[HN Gopher] Ask HN: Getting Old and Boring - What Can I Do About...
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Ask HN: Getting Old and Boring - What Can I Do About It?
I'm 33 and I am becoming terminally boring. I am primarily
interested in my family (married, kids 7 and 3) and doing well at
work, but that is about it? Outside of reading I have no hobbies, I
am not part of any groups, I don't have any ambitions outside of
home & work, and I don't drink or play video games or watch very
much TV/movies. When I meet new people, I realize I don't have much
to say because nobody cares about my work or my family or my books
(nor should they, necessarily). I have a great remote job which
pays well without being too demanding. It doesn't sound like much,
but after working, family time, chores, and some reading it feels
like my day is already full. In fact, I usually end each day
wishing I had spent more time being a better husband/father/home-
owner/reader -- adding any hobbies would make these feelings worse.
I am generally happy with where I am at in life but I feel like
there is something missing. Does anybody else feel this way?
Should I try to cultivate new interests? How do I find the time?
Author : hn_burner_2038
Score : 17 points
Date : 2024-01-16 21:45 UTC (1 hours ago)
| smt88 wrote:
| This is very normal. Your kids won't need nearly as much of your
| time in a few years and you'll have time for hobbies again. Enjoy
| how much time you're spending with them now and have faith that
| you'll be "interesting" again when you have fewer demands from
| family life.
| hn_burner_2038 wrote:
| This a fair point, one that my wife always makes to me. I guess
| I just feel like I can do better? I know other dads who have
| plenty of time consuming hobbies -- they seem to fit it all in,
| why can't I?
| ksherlock wrote:
| Why don't you do some shit with your family, like go on a
| vacation or go hiking or go sailing or go to museum. You'll spend
| time with your family and have something to talk about.
| AnimalMuppet wrote:
| You're boring to everyone else? Fine. _Don 't be boring to your
| kids._ Be there for them. "Dad spent time with me" will matter to
| your kids _far_ more than being able to tell some rando about
| your hobby will matter to said rando.
|
| (Don't be boring to your wife, either.)
|
| In fact, don't be boring to the _neighbor_ kids. You want your
| house to be the place they hang out, rather than your kids
| hanging out at the neighbor 's house. That way you find out
| what's going on in your kids' lives sooner, when you can do
| something about it, rather than later when you maybe can't.
| stcredzero wrote:
| One way to not be boring to your kids: Dad jokes. Instead of
| their feeling bored, every single day, you can give them
| entirely novel reasons to feel mild anguish at your humor.
| hn_burner_2038 wrote:
| Unfortunately I think I _am_ boring to my wife and kids. I
| spend lots of time with them and I am very attentive to their
| needs, but I feel that I don't come in with my own interests or
| personality.
|
| But I like the tack of this comment, I should focus my
| attention on the core set of people I care about.
| bell-cot wrote:
| Coaching your kids' sports teams is a pretty mainstream social
| activity for a father of young kids. By age 7, my dad was
| involving me at least a bit in home repair & home improvement
| projects.
|
| BTW - are you regularly reading to your kids? That also checks a
| lot of your boxes.
| Kon-Peki wrote:
| You don't have to even coach. Just go to the practices/games.
|
| My daughter plays hockey. The boring parents sit in the
| workspace area, on their computers, doing work. The rest hang
| out in the bar area that looks out over the ice chatting,
| playing (non-gambling) card games, etc. Hardly anyone has
| anything "interesting" going on, or if they did they aren't
| talking about it. Who cares, it's fine.
| hn_burner_2038 wrote:
| I have done coaching and my son loved it so I will try to keep
| that up. I wasn't really able to connect with any of the other
| parents though, I don't think any of them would recognize me if
| we ran into me at the grocery store.
|
| I do read a lot to the kids, that has been great.
| sdfghswe wrote:
| What are you reading at the moment?
| ChainOfFools wrote:
| In general, I've found that making one's focus of curiosity less
| about 'how' and more about 'why' opens a lot of new doors, both
| introspectively and socially.
| aristofun wrote:
| Why being boring (the way you described it) is a bad thing?
|
| There a millions of "cool" people who would give anything for a
| chance to live a "boring" life you describe.
|
| At the current place in my life I'm as boring as you (with kids,
| chores etc.), and I'm pretty happy about it.
| rzazueta wrote:
| The social pressure to "be interesting" is one of the factors
| that I think leads to a lot of our collective misery. I think the
| problem is one of scale - if you're not engaging with other
| people because they don't share your interests, you may be
| hanging out with the wrong people, but you may not have a choice.
| You may be _required_ to hang out with them because they are co-
| workers, neighbors, etc. - members of communities to which you
| may belong but may not have willingly chosen (i.e. if you 're
| lucky enough to have been able to choose your job and your
| position and the team you work with, you are in a very fortunate
| minority).
|
| So much of our self worth is wrapped up in "being important" or
| "being interesting". We don't ask the question enough, "To whom"?
| As someone else mentioned here, you should be important to the
| communities you _have_ explicitly chosen and built - your wife
| and kids, the friends you choose to keep in your life, etc. If
| they find you interesting and important, that really ought to be
| enough for just about all of us. I do feel like an awful lot of
| this pressure to be interesting stems from people who _have not_
| cultivated such communities of choice and are left with a dire
| need to feel important to anyone who will pay attention to them.
| It 's a sickness that I think a lot of people have been able to
| muster into the wrong kind of attention building, which makes it
| seems better than it is (e.g. parasocial relationships through
| social media, etc.)
|
| All of this is to say: Are you happy? Do the people _who matter
| to you_ find you interesting and fun to be around? Focus on them
| and be happy. Our lives are enriched by the people we let into
| them. So long as everyone in our circles are well fed, well
| loved, and well rested - ourselves included - we can find peace
| and happiness. Excitement means different things to different
| people - you 'll never catch me bungee jumping, but I get a rush
| when a delicious meal I had planned turns out exactly as I
| intended. Find what excites you, surround yourself with people
| who love and appreciate you - and whom you love and appreciate in
| return - and work toward your own sense of happiness without the
| judgement of the chattering classes.
| 1-2-3-5-8 wrote:
| "I do feel like an awful lot of this pressure to be interesting
| stems from people who have not cultivated such communities of
| choice and are left with a dire need to feel important to
| anyone who will pay attention to them."
|
| This hit the nail on the head for me.
| dyeje wrote:
| It sounds like reading is your hobby. Maybe join some book clubs,
| participate in online communities, etc.
| cafard wrote:
| With kids of 3 and 7 I have to think that you have plenty to
| occupy you. Your kids school or extra-curricular activities will
| probably get you new acquaintances soon. (We are in touch still
| with some people we met through our son's school or school
| activities, and he is older than you are.)
|
| You could try volunteer activities I suppose.
|
| And let me also say that 33 is hardly even "getting middle aged".
| stcredzero wrote:
| _And let me also say that 33 is hardly even "getting middle
| aged"._
|
| Yeah, I totally also had a false mid-life crisis at around that
| age. Take it from me, you're YOUNG! Make the most of it while
| you still are!
| ilrwbwrkhv wrote:
| quit your job. too many people remain in a job for far too long.
| unless you are in a trajectory to become the vp of the company by
| 43, quit and start your own thing.
|
| most people think of a job as a lifetime thing whereas it is a
| short paid bootstrapping session to learn how the adult world
| works.
|
| after that you should be finding edges and exploiting them on
| your own.
| WheelsAtLarge wrote:
| "I am generally happy", good for you. That in itself is a huge
| accomplishment. Not everyone can say that.
|
| My suggestion is to try different things even if you have to
| force yourself with the hope that you'll find something you enjoy
| and can share. There will be many things that you can share with
| your kids or as a family that will get you there. It's just a
| matter of trying. I know time is limited but you can carve out
| some time as a goal especially if you can do it with your family.
| Start with a family home evening where do the activities with
| your family.
| hbcondo714 wrote:
| > I have a great remote job which pays well without being too
| demanding
|
| Do you mind disclosing your employer or at least how you obtained
| your job? Some of us are having "trouble finding employment"[1]
|
| [1] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38999485
| jsyang00 wrote:
| You will have more time as your children get older and will
| probably gravitate towards finding new interests naturally.
| carefulobserver wrote:
| I've taken great pleasure in cooking and strobist portrait
| photography. For cooking, I'm naturally terrible but even I can
| follow America's Test Kitchen recipes and my family has really
| appreciated the results! Cooking is an opportunity to have a
| hobby that also improves your family's quality of life. For
| photography, I started out with a pretty cheap mirrorless and
| cheap Chinese lights (Godox), and have been getting progressively
| better at taking pictures (by watching YouTube and practicing a
| lot) for 10 years. It's a lot of fun for me and at the same time
| creates memorable photos that my family go back to again and
| again.
| notenoughbeans wrote:
| Have you considered starting a book club? I love to read and I
| found a few people that like to read in the same genre and we
| have a lot of fun.
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(page generated 2024-01-16 23:01 UTC)