[HN Gopher] Transcending My Father's Abuse
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Transcending My Father's Abuse
Author : exolymph
Score : 23 points
Date : 2023-05-06 19:42 UTC (3 hours ago)
(HTM) web link (valspals.substack.com)
(TXT) w3m dump (valspals.substack.com)
| throwaway_abuse wrote:
| This hit too close to home that I couldn't finish reading it in a
| sitting. I had to walk around my apartment a couple of times
| waiting to relax before coming back to my computer.
|
| I have blanks in my memories too, where my dad told me he hit me
| (he apologized for it, like in OP). And I remember nothing after
| "the triggering incident", like in OP.
|
| I also have very bad trust issues now, to the point where it is
| hard for me to make friends if they insist on having opinions on
| my life. Relationships have never worked for me, because it takes
| me forever to open up.
|
| Childhood trauma sucks. Why people take their anger out on
| innocent kids just trying to understand how the world works in
| their own ways, is just beyond me.
|
| There's SOO many more positive and healthy ways to raise a child.
| And realizing that now makes me genuinely teary eyed about all
| the neural pathways in my brain that were formed or not formed as
| a result of my parents decisions.
|
| But I'm kind of glad to see so many of my friends being awesome
| parents, really caring for and listening to their kids. I'm
| lowkey excited for the next generation, who will be much more
| open about their thoughts and feelings, and probably more well
| adjusted as humans.
|
| My pet hypothesis is this will also why the current/next
| generation is much more open about sexuality / gender / identity,
| and I expect this to get only more nuanced as science understands
| more and as people learn to express more. But that's just
| something I cooked up. Anyone else feel this way?
| Waterluvian wrote:
| I lost my mom in my late teens. My parents were wonderful.
| Definitely _well_ above average. I owe them so much.
|
| Something that I've been discovering is that I have two sections
| of blanks in my memory: the anguish of her being so sick for
| years, and the times she lost her cool with me.
|
| Both sets of memories have been trickling back decades later. I'm
| not sure what to share about it in particular, but in general it
| has been a fascinating and oftentimes horrible sensation. To
| suddenly have a memory activate for no apparent reason.
|
| I'm incredibly thankful that my wife is the person she is. I'll
| randomly come into the room holding back tears and she
| immediately knows what it is and what to do.
|
| I think it's important to speak these things aloud to help
| further normalize our talking about them.
| throwaway093821 wrote:
| As someone who similarly has Asian parents that have gone through
| their own trauma in life, this resonates with me. As a younger
| child, my parents would hit us with clothes hangers, as this was
| the only method of discipline that they knew at the time. I don't
| feel like they realize or acknowledge the effects of that.
|
| While interactions nowadays are rarely negative, I've resolved to
| cut of communication at some point in the future, after I've
| alleviated my own guilt by "repaying" them monetarily for all
| they've done in raising me.
|
| I get yelled at most days still, though.
|
| Most of the electronic devices I've owned over the years have
| been broken by my dad smashing it after getting frustrated over
| some aspect of schoolwork related to my usage of such devices.
| Curiously, this seems to happen after he's had a few drinks.
| inconceivable wrote:
| i think several decades ago, a lot of people didn't really want
| kids but had them anyway due to societal/family pressure. my
| parents were immigrants so the pressure was probably double.
| mentally both weak, and strong. a paradox.
|
| my dad used to hit me until one day i realized i was heavier than
| him, and threw him onto the couch and raised my fist to hit him,
| but didn't. he never tried again.
|
| my relationship with them is fine now (i'm middle aged) but i
| still don't listen to a god damn thing they say about life
| advice. quite frankly they don't know their ass from their elbow
| about how america really works and less than zero about growing
| up here. most immigrant parents don't, even though they pretend
| to, for some insane reason.
|
| as for me i'm not having kids, and i don't really do long-term
| monogamous relationships either (i date plenty). i'm sure my
| parents are disappointed but quite frankly i don't give a shit.
| dmbche wrote:
| Thanks to the author for taking the time and effort to have a
| very heartfelt and deep dive into their personal life -
| especially on subjects this nuanced.
|
| Their comments on "hurt" rather than bad, and their feeling that
| they couldn't fight back unless they became "dirty", or just as
| bad as them, were especially resonant.
|
| Their comments about their dad living through the cultural
| revolution made me remember the scene in the Three Body Problem
| where Ye Wenjie confronts the three communist youths that had
| killed her father many years after the revolution, and they
| explain that their own suffering and how it brought along her
| fathers death.
| labrador wrote:
| I have a similar father and while I never expect to get an
| apology, I've found peace knowing it's about him and not me. I
| stopped personalizing it. He's still trapped in the craziness of
| the world and those who raised him, while I've found a way to
| manage it so I am not similarly crazy.
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