[HN Gopher] Telling your inner critic to chill
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Telling your inner critic to chill
Author : ktzn
Score : 111 points
Date : 2023-01-19 13:08 UTC (9 hours ago)
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| dqpb wrote:
| > Affirmations are a powerful and proven tool to calm your inner
| critic and increase self-compassion.
|
| Instead, I recommend reading (or listening to) Kid Confidence by
| Eileen Kennedy-Moore. It's applicable to adults and to ones own
| self.
|
| Here is a paraphrased excerpt:
|
| ---
|
| Address your fundamental needs for connection, competence, and
| choice. When these needs are met, you'll be less preoccupied with
| evaluating yourself and questioning your worth.
|
| Connection: Build meaningful relationships with family and
| friends. This is how you'll feel known, accepted, and valued by
| others. Also, spending time with people you care about will give
| you more interesting things to think about than your own self-
| worth.
|
| Competence: Gain real skills so you can do things that matter to
| you. To feel competent you have to have genuine competence. Learn
| how to learn, so you can grown your own competence and unblock
| yourself when you are stuck.
|
| Choice: Figure out what matters to you so you can make decisions
| that are in line with your values. Embrace opportunities to make
| your own meaningful choices.
|
| ---
|
| Based on personal experience, I believe this is the right
| framework for real self-improvement. Your inner critic is there
| for a reason. Respect it and become a person it can be proud of.
| Affirmations and other popular self-help techniques are mostly
| bullshit. Also, it's interesting to note that if you inverse the
| above advice, you basically have the classical framework for
| running a cult.
| FailMore wrote:
| Affirmations do not work.
|
| Mental health is mechanical. Most anxiety and suffering within
| mental health are second order effects from unconscious fears
| that we have about behaviours we feel are risky to take. For
| example, if you grow up in a household where your personal
| distress causes distress in others, you will hide your own
| personal distress and attempt to appear good all of the time. You
| will have high levels of anxiety in situations in which you might
| have to admit distress/dissatisfaction/not be a happy person that
| makes everyone else happy.
|
| To improve mental health, more behaviours on the spectrum of all
| possible behaviours need to become calmly accessible. This allows
| the brain to be calmer in a wider range of situations; previously
| a situation that might cause distress might have been
| avoided/cause a spike in anxiety, now the situation can be faced
| calmly and the newly integrated behaviour allows the individual
| to say "sorry, I'm finding this too stressful, I need to stop".
|
| Everyone typically has their own unique combination of behaviours
| which are not easily accessible. In my personal therapy I found
| that my dreams were a useful way of diagnosing what behaviours I
| was not comfortable with. I got very interested in this and
| ultimately completed a Masters in Psychology to write a paper on
| the topic based on the underlying neurology that occurs during
| REM sleep.
|
| The paper can be read here: https://psyarxiv.com/k6trz
|
| It was discussed on HN here:
| https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=19143590
| crispyambulance wrote:
| > Affirmations do not work.
|
| It depends. They definitely DO work for some people and do
| nothing for others, YMMV.
|
| When they work, the carefully chosen words and ideas in the
| affirmations help to remind us of things and steer us towards
| more mindfulness.
| iamsanteri wrote:
| Can you explain more about your line of reasoning and thinking?
| Any good sources you know about discussing exactly such ideas
| and details? Thank you!
| FailMore wrote:
| Also my comment history contains similar posts with a bit
| more depth to them
| FailMore wrote:
| Not massively. The theory within psychotherapy is quite messy
| at the moment. It's one of the reasons I'm training to be
| one. Why Love Matters is a good book though.
|
| I also made a long YT video explaining my theory, but it was
| a long time ago and I haven't watched it in a long time so I
| can't remember precisely what I was thinking at the time. I
| think it explains most of the concepts well enough though.
| It's here if you want to watch it:
| https://youtu.be/iPPNxc7nApY
| savryn wrote:
| I kinda agree with everything except that affirmations DO work,
| they are like self hypnosis and reach the unconscious in ways
| that add up.
|
| Every time a horrible cringe/guilt memory comes up, instead of
| expletive Fuuuuuuu (mental or out loud) literally reprogram
| yourself to immediately say "I love me!" or "Different now" or
| something else that's positive.
|
| The silly goodness of the thing legit interrupts the pain of
| the memory.
|
| Thoughts and feelings that fire together wire together, so you
| MUST to break the connection of old shit spiraling into bad
| mood, paralysis, etc in the moment.
|
| This is daily housekeeping for mental health. No one has
| endless time to meditate or waste money on therapy
|
| once you have a few of these solid habits, you feel strong
| enough to do the heavy murky freudian trauma unraveling that's
| more longterm and releases the tight gordian knots from
| childhood etc.
|
| But daily tools DO work and are just as important.
| savryn wrote:
| ------- additional ranty side notes---
|
| in person therapy is a waste of time/money for most people
| unless you're so wealthy you can afford the wise old
| superstar in their field (most of the best have already
| dropped dead of old age).
|
| less charitable: those who knock the easy/free/practical-yet-
| harmless-woo are kinda just protecting the value of their
| profession / special modality, consciously or unconsciously
| imo, like doctors who don't accept basic fasting thats been
| around a thousand years, eating keto/carn, or benefits of
| natural immunity... lol
|
| I say don't be loyal to any 'experts', steal whatever works
| from their cheap books and youtube and other resources across
| modalities and put together a hodgepodge of stuff for
| yourself!
|
| Research and libgen and then buy physical books and
| highlighters and a journal and especially a medium/large
| STUFFED ANIMAL with expressive eyes to mimic eye contact
| while to talk out loud to instead (like rubber ducking with
| trauma) and do it yourself. You can process feelings
| privately, keep a journal of progress and try one book/method
| at a time at your own pace.
|
| Most normal people (esp men) can't cry in front of strangers,
| but can cry in private.
|
| ONE session of therapy is $50 to $150, and only gives you one
| hour with barely ONE insight or emotional moment a session.
| Thats after many sessions of fighting defense mechanisms and
| intellectual tricks to maybe get to the real meat of what's
| painful.
|
| The classics of the field are mostly books that cost $10-15
| as paperbacks on amazon and each can provide MONTHS of
| insight /catharsis if you DO/work thru feelings that arise as
| u read each chapter instead of just reading it and throwing
| it aside for the next book.
|
| People just race thru and don't APPLY anything, that's as
| useless as reading a programming book and not trying any of
| the code/psets. Slow it down, only one chapter a week, the
| same way in person therapy is only one hour a week, the
| insights/feelings that you chew on the other 6 days until the
| next session. Make a schedule and DIY.
|
| Unplug your alexa and phone and u can say stuff out loud to
| your plushie that you cannot legit say to a therapist-- they
| are truly a stranger with LEGAL BUREAUCRACY and social
| programming makes them often unable to handle realities of
| anyone unlike themselves.
|
| Therapists gossip and share stories at parties and know
| little about real privacy in the digital age where two random
| anecdotes can google-fu most clients.
|
| The lame psych majors you met in college are the same people
| your insurance will cover a pathetic 10 sessions with. They
| get bored and tune out or jump to their fave diagnostic
| buckets when they can't untangle your issues and
| unconsciously need to make themselves feel more competent.
|
| The money is bad so they compete for clients and aren't going
| to tell you hard truths that would HELP you when that risks
| being dropped, a bad review, bad word of mouth, or risk of
| legal/license headache.
|
| You are just paying for a 'legitimized' comfort zone, rather
| than a strong helpful truly honest person to guide you out of
| your own misery-is-safe-and-familiar comfort zone.
|
| Incentives are not on your side.
|
| The types of people that become therapists are not
| emotionally hardy, mentally strong, stable, world-weary
| people with a strong sense of character.
|
| If you knew any in real life as friends, you would never hire
| them.
|
| Seriously consider what you disclose and reset your
| expectations.
|
| more ranty side points----------
|
| therapy is like the 80-20 garbage/quality ratio of all
| fields, especially the affordable ones most likely a mediocre
| broken person with their own baggage/desires/ego they'll
| project onto you.
|
| Good luck being a hot girl, philosophically and politically
| anything but a very liberal humanist, having any personality
| type that isn't already a feely crier who understands your
| emotions, any one with working class common sense, anyone
| with aggression, bitterness and/or less 'nice' presentations
| of symptoms or a myriad other demographic factors. These
| aspects SO OBVIOUSLY influence the undercurrents between
| mediocre therapists and patient but they swear as
| professionals do not or are just further 'grist for the
| mill', eye roll...
|
| You're not gonna magically book an appointment (with or
| without insurance) and get like Irvin Yalom wise jedi soul
| that can cut thru your bullshit with affectionate firmness,
| nor will you get the smart self-dignified composure of
| Melfi/Paul HBO fictional therapists that created standards of
| excellence not realistic in real life....
|
| Most practitioners are kinda weak people seeking status and
| comfort and easy wins, difficult patients annoy them
| subconsciously, they emotionally flinch from them and truly
| do nothing to earn the trust necessary for 'real' therapy
| magic to work.
|
| (Everyone recommending "get therapy!" on every thread online
| is just a middle-class reaction formation, an automatic
| unthinking refrain when THEY can't handle their own emotions
| of uselessness/systemic helplessness against the pain and
| grim reality of being an individual in the world.)
| noptd wrote:
| Beautifully put.
| danparsonson wrote:
| So... what if your inner critic doesn't believe any of the
| affirmations?
| egypturnash wrote:
| Ask 'em why they don't. Something like this:
|
| ----
|
| Inner Critic: This is bullshit. I do not love and accept myself
| exactly as I am.
|
| You: What's missing?
|
| Inner Critic: I'm out of shape, I live alone, and I make two
| cents out of every dollar I make for my boss.
|
| You: Yeah, those all suck. Damn. What can we do about these
| things?
|
| Inner Critic: Man I dunno, I just know this sucks.
|
| Inner Manic Pixie Dream Girl: Hey, remember that broadsword
| club that meets in the park every Saturday? We could start
| doing that again, it's free, and it's an hour or so waving a
| heavy thing around with a bunch of other people, some of whom
| you know damn well have better jobs than us and could end up
| being a valuable connection _if_ we end up as friends, some of
| whom might also turn out to be potential housemates, friends,
| or lovers. No promises of anything beyond "getting in better
| shape" but that's certainly more opportunities for something to
| happen.
| smugglerFlynn wrote:
| Word of caution is that such '5 Why' trains of questions
| might not dig out the real reason, and will steer you away
| from the actual problem. Oftentimes inner critic reacts[0] to
| strong emotions in the present, trying to validate, "fix" or
| rationalise them, purely because you are not used to working
| with such strong emotions -- this could be due to upbringing,
| emotional neglect and some other reasons.
|
| Critic might not be logical at all.
|
| Referenced is an excellent book[0] from a clinical
| psychologist that has many detailed strategies to dig out the
| reasons behind critical thoughts and properly reframe them.
|
| 0 - Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay;
| https://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-
| Asse...
| 1001101 wrote:
| A book I read recently suggested to let your inner critic
| speak, but then let, what it calls, your inner advocate get the
| last word - counter what the inner critic is saying. I have
| tried this on a number of occasions and it's been net positive
| for me - YMMV.
| smugglerFlynn wrote:
| In modern therapy it is considered[0] that at least some of the
| inner critic issues are responses to past traumatic events and
| emotional trauma. It tries to help you avoid doing something
| that hurt you in the past, like a legacy broken failsafe
| mechanism.
|
| Perfectionism, avoidance and other problems often have very
| traceable roots in the past, and there are therapy tools like
| EMDR[1] that help to fix or mitigate the root causes.
|
| In my experience, it is not really possible to fix serious
| emotional trauma with affirmations, and deeper emotional work
| is required to start seeing your inner critic (and other trauma
| symptoms) shrink.
|
| The best way to start working on such problems as inner critic
| is to find a licensed mental health specialist.
|
| 0 - http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm and
| similar research on CPTSD
|
| 1 - https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/02/17/emdr-and-trauma-
| what-...
| sverona wrote:
| Pete Walker writes good books, but sometimes I find his
| prescription of out-fighting the critic counterproductive. I
| observe that the voice of certain unproductive thoughts I
| have is more like a wounded child than a critical adult. It
| says "Why even try?" sadly rather than mockingly. Fighting it
| makes this worse. It needs love and cuddles.
| smugglerFlynn wrote:
| That was my experience as well. I am not a big fan of his
| 13 step flashback management process, or some of the other
| strategies, as they never worked effectively for me, but in
| my opinion he does an excellent job to map the battlefield,
| establishing causes and effects.
|
| His book is a good starting point, along with two other
| classics[0][1], but it is also rather old (10 years this
| year!), with more strategies and research done on top of it
| by other psychologists since then.
|
| [0] Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
| https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-
| Trauma/dp/01...
|
| [1] Running on Empty by Jonice Webb & Christine Musello
| https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-
| Emot...
| awill88 wrote:
| I'm so mad at this article lol, like so much "no shit" going on.
| My critic is a total asshole!
|
| "Typically it's good to have a couple affirmations that work for
| you" -- "work for you" -- so simple! Duh!
| ly3xqhl8g9 wrote:
| This kind of articles have weak metaphysical grounding, that's
| why there's room for so many "yes, but"s after them: "be
| yourself" <=> yes, but not if you are a blonde depressed suicidal
| addict.
|
| Consider the first sentence, a rhetorical question: "Have you
| ever doubted yourself?"--who is this _you_ so promptly assumed.
| If giving advice meant to impact the entire present and future
| life of an agent, one should at least wrestle a bit with the
| plethora of concepts taken for granted, unless one is writing
| another _Dictionary of Received Ideas_ [1]. In this aspect, you
| doubting you, perhaps the perspective from Jeff Hawkins ' _A
| Thousand Brains: A New Theory of Intelligence_ is more
| luminating: of course you would doubt yourself because in
| actuality there is a you_1 who doubts you_2 and currently you_1
| is overpowering you_2 in the vote of all the other yous. Maybe
| you don 't have an inner critic, maybe you have 999 inner
| critics. In this light, a question such as "have you ever doubted
| yourself" would look more like "why is the current you still the
| dominant aspect, still winning the vote of all the other yous, of
| who/how you could be in the space of all the yous".
|
| [1] "Metaphysics. Laugh it to scorn: proof of your superior
| intellect." https://archive.org/details/gustave-flaubert-
| dictionary-of-a...
| circlefavshape wrote:
| I'm one of those lucky people with high self-esteem. I see myself
| as smart and creative and likeable and good and, honestly, even
| nice to look at.
|
| I think I got to be this way by growing up in a very loving
| household, but I think how I _maintain_ it in the face of my
| regular missteps and fuckups is by not judging myself (or anyone,
| really) based on achievement or success. Millions of very smart
| people have been spectacularly wrong. Millions of creative people
| have no audience. Some people who I like very much are unpopular
| or have very few friends. I 've known very beautiful people who
| have been very unlucky in love.
| worldsayshi wrote:
| I'd love to see a debate between your viewpoint and that of
| MauranKilom in the thread. I think I'm kind of stuck between
| your two perspectives and I'm not sure I really understand your
| perspective while I feel like MauranKilom's is my default.
| gumptionary wrote:
| Sure, identifying your inner critic is important, but there are
| far better strategies for overcoming it than just saying nice
| things to yourself.
|
| The best I've found on the subject is Steven Pressfield's The War
| of Art https://blackirishbooks.com/product/the-war-of-art/
| smugglerFlynn wrote:
| I find it worrying that most comments seem to follow gut feeling
| and common sense when dealing with psychological issues like
| that, instead of relying on therapy and research.
|
| _If inner critic gives you real trouble, the best way, by far,
| is to start working on such problems with a licensed mental
| health specialist._
|
| _Second best way is to catch up on modern research in psychology
| and psychotherapy. (I 'm generalising below with most important
| knowledge I have on the topic based on my replies to other
| comments.)_
|
| In modern therapy it is considered that at least some of the
| inner critic issues are responses to _past traumatic events_ and
| _emotional trauma_. It tries to help you avoid doing something
| that hurt you in the past, like a legacy broken failsafe
| mechanism.
|
| Possible root causes might include: - Complex
| PTSD [0][1] - Childhood emotional neglect [2] -
| Traumatic stress [3] - Style of your upbringing and some
| other issues from the past, including learned responses to life
| stresses [4]
|
| Sources referenced above are very useful in 'debugging' yourself,
| are widely known, and are written by psychologists.
|
| This knowledge is in part a modern (last decade) evolution of
| older Cognitive Behavioural Therapy ideas[5] from the 1980s. OP
| article describes typical CBT strategy. CBT, while being helpful
| to manage critic-related problems, rarely addresses any of the
| underlying root causes.
|
| _If you don 't want to dig deep into root causes, I want to
| explicitly highlight [4] as it does a great way of summarising
| core CBT and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) ideas, and
| helps to address the critic issue directly via many actionable
| strategies._
|
| 0 - http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm and
| similar research on CPTSD
|
| 1 - Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker
| https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHI...
|
| 2 - Running on Empty by Jonice Webb & Christine Musello
| https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emot...
|
| 3 - Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
| https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/01...
|
| 4 - Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay https://www.amazon.com/Self-
| Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Asse...
|
| 5 - Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns
| https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380...
| stcroixx wrote:
| Therapy is out of reach for many/most people, at least in the
| US. Getting an appointment can take months and often they're
| only offered online, which isn't quite the same for a lot of
| people. Also expensive. Then, if you do get an appointment and
| can afford it, your therapist might be handling 400 cases at
| the moment, so your relationship is unlikely to progress past a
| superficial level where you can benefit.
| vlod wrote:
| I dunno, maybe my brain is wired differently but this sounds like
| fluff.
|
| Maybe I've been fortunate that growing up, I've had stoic figures
| in my life and through their beliefs/actions solved problems
| through grit and hard work.
|
| I struggle to understand if people live their lives by looking
| themselves in a mirror and saying positive mantras and hoping
| that one day they will see themselves this way. I thought this
| was just the lore of movies.
|
| If a voice (myself or a anyone else) said "I love and accept
| myself, exactly as I am/I love my well lived-in body" and would
| suspect it was trying to trick me somehow/pulling my leg and I
| would laugh and tell it/them to F-off.
|
| I think my critical voice has gone from inwards to outwards. It
| doesn't say "You suck and you're an imposter", because it's been
| distracted by the so many examples of other people being so much
| more incompetent and lacking basic critical thinking skills, that
| even if I'm a complete screw up, I'm not that bad. e.g. lack of
| basic financial understanding, solving problems, tribal voting.
|
| I think I've come to realize if I want to fix certain things
| about me, that I've chosen (at this point in time) not to do it
| and to move on, but that I can revisit and try and fix it in the
| future.
| jkingsbery wrote:
| Some of this seems like bad advice.
|
| Imposter syndrome is a real thing, and it's certainly possible to
| be overly self-critical. But plenty of people aren't "in the
| right place," and aren't "doing the right thing." People only get
| "stronger, smarter, ... and more productive" through intentional
| self-development, not by wishful thinking. For most of us, to
| love ourselves means we should be aspiring to something better,
| and not content with how we are now. Telling yourself you're
| worse than you are isn't healthy, but neither is it healthy to
| tell yourself that you're better than you are.
|
| I would advise someone to overcome imposter syndrome by anchoring
| in objective facts about reality.
| circlefavshape wrote:
| > For most of us, to love ourselves means we should be aspiring
| to something better, and not content with how we are now.
|
| That is not love. Does loving your wife mean not being content
| with how she is now, and aspiring for her to be better? It does
| not
| mkmk3 wrote:
| Does it not? Try framing it more charitably. Someone suffers
| or will suffer or simply misses out on something you know
| theyd greatly appreciate because of their behaviour, if you
| love them will you ignore it? Or will you, while showing
| respect, endeavour to prompt or support their changing?
|
| I think there are good and bad ways to express this, and I
| think the feeling itself isnt intuitive.
| ericmcer wrote:
| This viewpoint implies that everyone successful achieves it
| through merit. I think a ton of people achieve success just
| through insane confidence.
|
| Look at something like Scientology. It is just one insanely
| confident man willing an entire religion into existence and
| holding it all together with his own over-confidence. I hate
| cults but they are an example of how delusion levels of self-
| confidence can bring things into existence that make no logical
| sense.
| stcroixx wrote:
| Lacking the merit, I'd consider this to be arrogance rather
| than confidence. One is based in reality, one is just wishful
| thinking. Granted, most people can't tell the difference
| looking at someone whose background they are not familiar
| with.
| agentwiggles wrote:
| Look at Trump, or DJ Khaled, for a similar (and, for me,
| rather annoying) lesson.
| doix wrote:
| It's all about balance though, isn't it? Someone that doubts
| themselves to the point of never trying or doing anything,
| needs _something_ to get them out of that mode. Maybe they read
| this article and something resonates with them and they can
| make a change for the better.
|
| Likewise, there might be someone completely delusional that
| thinks they are gods gift to the world that can do no wrong. So
| the only reason they aren't more successful is bad luck or
| something. Reading this article and taking something from it
| would be counterproductive, they need to read something else to
| get out of that head space.
| egypturnash wrote:
| This is _magical_ advice; there 's a huge body of work
| concerning the Law of Attraction and the power of regularly
| making positive statements. The most well-known book in this
| category is _The Secret_ but it goes back to the early 1900s.
|
| Typically, any long-form writing in this category will spill
| some ink reminding you that _shit happens a lot faster if you
| put some effort in_ , so you're definitely not wrong here.
| tgaj wrote:
| And what really mean to be "in the right place"? I think the
| idea is to stop thinking about the place you are right now,
| because that's the result of your earlier choices and you can't
| change that anyway. It is the "right place" for now. But you
| can start to think about what you can do to get to the place
| you want to be if there is one. Or maybe accept that life is
| not always about getting somewhere but about appreciate where
| you are, because life will never be perfect.
| wpietri wrote:
| Have you personally overcome imposter syndrome through this
| advice? Because it sounds to me like a theoretical take, not
| one that has been well tested.
|
| The people I know who are or have been overly self critical are
| not lacking in "objective facts". They have been damaged by
| dealing extensively with people who are overly critical, often
| to the point of emotional abuse. So they have problems with
| selecting which facts to focus on and how to weight them
| emotionally. These are often not conscious problems, and so
| getting out of them doesn't just require rational-mind
| realizations, but changing deep habits of thought.
|
| I also am very concerned about this, which I think is
| potentially harmful to some people, especially those struggling
| with self esteem:
|
| > For most of us, to love ourselves means we should be aspiring
| to something better, and not content with how we are now.
|
| I think this could easily be read as meaning that aspiration is
| a precondition of self love. For people who have been told from
| their earliest memories that they are inadequate, tying self-
| love to self-improvement puts them on a treadmill that never
| stops. Love does not require improvement or perfection.
| five82 wrote:
| As someone who's dealt with emotional abuse, this really
| struck a chord. You can see and understand the objective
| facts. But it's very hard to accept positive reinforcement
| emotionally. You don't believe it's genuine.
| throwaway98797 wrote:
| an inflated self image seems to be associated with happier less
| stressed people
|
| i found that the more delusional i get myself, the happier i
| am.
|
| maybe bad long term but feel better than seeing the "truth",
| whatever that is anyways
| Jensson wrote:
| Yeah, which is why people tell themselves that their self
| doubt is just "impostor syndrome", there is no way they
| actually are bad its just them underestimating themselves! We
| all know how research shows how humans usually underestimates
| their own capabilities, right???
|
| But I guess if that makes them happy why not. But it gets old
| quick when everyone says they have impostor syndrome.
| Apocryphon wrote:
| Well, the people who have Dunning-Kruger don't have
| impostor syndrome. Wonder what the ratio is between the
| two, and the distribution.
| dgb23 wrote:
| Nobody seems to be incompetent at anything anymore, but
| weirdly enough everyone has impostor syndrome now.
|
| For me, the nagging, head spinning inner critic that
| doesn't leave me alone is a major driver for curiosity,
| learning, creativity and general improvement.
|
| Impostor syndrome is when there's clear evidence that
| you're successful and competent but you still don't
| believe it and you are _afraid_ that this is uncovered.
| It is an irrational fear and a brutal delusion. It's one
| of those where you can get presented objective evidence
| that the fear is unwarranted but you still can't get rid
| of it.
|
| I never had impostor syndrome, but I can relate to those
| types of fears and mental challenges. It's very hard work
| to clear these types of things up. You don't even want to
| talk about it.
|
| People who suck at something do not have impostor
| syndrome, by definition. What is much more likely is that
| they are in the phase where they start to get that they
| suck ("valley of despair"). But that's not a mental
| blockade induced by crippling fear like impostor syndrome
| is.
|
| Realizing you suck at something calls for _celebration_.
| The delusion is broken! There's only going to be
| improvement!
| Apocryphon wrote:
| On one hand, there seems to be a society-wide stress
| engendered by the global events of the last several
| years, which could explain more and more people have
| anxiety about many things, including themselves.
|
| On the other, sure, when a concept such as impostor
| syndrome becomes widespread, more people are going to try
| to weigh themselves against it, and try to appear on the
| "right side" of it. Thus, in almost in a humblebrag
| manner, dismiss flaws as self-doubt or lack of
| confidence.
|
| > The delusion is broken! There's only going to be
| improvement!
|
| Not everyone has the same productive inner critic. Some
| people can be self-critical to the point of paralysis, to
| the extent of wallowing doubt. To self-loathing and
| absolute defeatism. Look at the increases in mental
| illness, addiction, and worse in society. Some inner
| critics _kill_ , whether a person's potential, or their
| actual life.
|
| Now, the OP uses a generic one-size-fits-all, vapidly
| positive self-help soothing solution, which might not
| help a lot of people. And so it becomes easy to dismiss,
| and to dismiss impostor syndrome as simply an excuse. But
| I'm just reminding you that not everyone is able to step
| up to challenges in the same way. Not everyone has a
| healthy growth mindset to overcome one's mental
| blockades. Some do lose themselves in the valley of
| despair, and could benefit from self-affirmation. Maybe
| just not the basic content-written approach in the OP.
| dgb23 wrote:
| I experienced some of the issue you described. But in my
| above comment I generalized my own experience too much.
|
| For me personally, it was a combination of kindness and
| brutal honesty that helped me to overcome these
| challenges. Well meaning bullshit only worsened my self-
| perception. For me it meant that my inner self-critic got
| sharper, more precise and clear instead of the carnage it
| created before. I didn't shut it up or try to soothe it
| and I'm glad for it. But that's _me_ so thank so for
| reminding me that it's too easy to generalize these kinds
| of things.
| shrimp_emoji wrote:
| My experience is the opposite.
|
| The less I take myself seriously, the more I apply self-
| compassion, and the less I let my performance/failures define
| my sense of self, the happier and less stressed I am.
|
| I discovered this by accident. I used to be the opposite: my
| self-image used to be relatively inflated, and my sense of
| self was tightly integrated with external events. When those
| external events turned south hard enough to totally shatter
| my ego, it felt like my brain -- utterly against my will --
| decided, "I guess we gotta let go of caring about stuff this
| hard." I ceased to be able to care as hard (seemingly
| permanently). I've been happier and chiller ever since. :p
| throwaway98797 wrote:
| i got to the same point but i view it as self denial since
| i just basically ignore objective reality and assume i'm
| doing well even if evidence contradicts this
|
| people telling me i suck doesn't bother me because i _know_
| their wrong
|
| i used to be hyper critical of myself now i don't worry
| about it
|
| i am what i am
| bikeformind wrote:
| Harsh truth. You don't become confident by standing in the mirror
| shouting positive affirmations at yourself.
|
| You become confident by taking on challenges, repeatedly coming
| out on top, and providing your brain undeniable evidence you are
| who you say you are.
| allisdust wrote:
| Or may be by realising that there is always someone at top and
| someone below you in everything. And hopefully that will reduce
| the urge to be at top of everything and that results in
| compassion towards one's own self.
| TrainedMonkey wrote:
| Or maybe everyone has a different path in life.
| maerF0x0 wrote:
| and yet certain things work for strangely large percentages
| of people. And yet the classics have found a certain "Human
| experience" .
| gernb wrote:
| > You become confident by taking on challenges, repeatedly
| coming out on top, and providing your brain undeniable evidence
| you are who you say you are.
|
| It's not enough for many people, including myself
| onion2k wrote:
| _You become confident by taking on challenges, repeatedly
| coming out on top..._
|
| If you repeatedly come out on top you're just doing easy
| things. Ideally you should be failing at about half the things
| you try to do if you're aiming high enough.
| pjmorris wrote:
| > You become confident by taking on challenges, repeatedly
| coming out on top, and providing your brain undeniable evidence
| you are who you say you are.
|
| Yes... and also failing and learning how to take care of
| yourself, rethink things, and make new plans after you do.
| czx4f4bd wrote:
| > You become confident by taking on challenges, repeatedly
| coming out on top, and providing your brain undeniable evidence
| you are who you say you are.
|
| Ironically, this is basically just a positive affirmation in a
| slightly different form, and it's not any more helpful.
|
| Some people's brains have a remarkable ability to deny,
| invalidate, or straight-up forget any evidence that would
| potentially bolster their confidence. This kind of trite advice
| may be great for people who are already predisposed to
| confidence and find themselves in a rut, but as someone who's
| in therapy for this kind of thing, some people need more help
| to get to a better place.
| [deleted]
| HardlyCurious wrote:
| If your problem is that you are unjustifiably negative, then
| maybe chanting positive things to yourself will help.
|
| I think the problem facing most people is having standards
| they see others meet that they do not.
|
| "I should be married by now" might be a dumb standard, but if
| most people you know meet it, maybe it isn't the standard
| that is an issue, right.
|
| In this case, repeating positive statements aren't likely to
| work, because they won't change the standard or the fact that
| you aren't meeting it.
| czx4f4bd wrote:
| > If your problem is that you are unjustifiably negative,
| then maybe chanting positive things to yourself will help.
|
| Not sure if I'm misreading you or if you misread me, but my
| comment was not a defense of positive affirmations. I don't
| believe that positive affirmations will help with the
| necessary mental reframing needed to combat deeper
| emotional trauma and mental health struggles.
|
| That said, I'm not convinced by this:
|
| > I think the problem facing most people is having
| standards they see others meet that they do not.
|
| If someone feels badly enough about not meeting a standard
| that those feelings rise to the level of a problem, then I
| agree that positive affirmations probably won't help, but
| meeting the standard isn't necessarily a panacea either.
|
| Taking your example, if someone thinks "I should be married
| by now", there's presumably some kind of deeper emotion
| behind that. If that feeling is within a normal range and
| the person can manage it effectively, then it may motivate
| them to work harder to find a relationship and settle down,
| but in that case it wouldn't be reasonable to call it a
| problem.
|
| On the other hand, if they have a stronger feeling like
| "All my friends are married but me. They must think I'm
| pathetic." or "I keep getting older but nobody wants to
| date me. What if I'm just doomed to be alone forever?",
| then this is much more likely to be problematic. This kind
| of feeling might motivate them to settle for a relationship
| that doesn't make them happy, to move more quickly than
| they're comfortable with, to do things that go against
| their own needs, to stay in the relationship even in the
| face of problems, etc. just to try and meet that standard.
|
| In this latter case, the standard isn't _the_ issue, but it
| 's tied to the deeper issue. The standard is the focus in
| the person's mind because it feels like the truth, but
| their mental framing is also biased in a way that prevents
| them from seeing their underlying motivation, and thus from
| resolving the true problem.
|
| For example, the person who feels pathetic for being the
| only unmarried person in their friend group likely has
| deeper confidence issues that won't be addressed by
| marriage alone, even if their partner is supportive.
| Likewise, the person who fears being alone forever may
| temporarily alleviate that fear through marriage, but
| they'll also probably come to fear their partner leaving
| them, leading only to more anxiety and distress.
| redeux wrote:
| I think for some people it takes both.
|
| I've been successful in my work over the past decade, but no
| matter how many awards, how much recognition, or how much money
| I received, I always struggled with a negative inner voice
| telling me I was worthless, not living up to my potential, and
| that people didn't like me. It was only after I started
| combatting these thoughts with daily affirmations that the
| voice turned around, and I recognized when I was feeding myself
| negative thoughts.
| rqtwteye wrote:
| Affirmations may work for some but for me they were useless or
| probably negative. After reading "Think and Grow Rich" I did
| morning affirmations every day. I never felt anything positive
| from them but actually felt more and more like a fraud because I
| was constantly repeating stuff that wasn't true. And nothing ever
| changed.
|
| Like all other self-help, give it a try and see how it works for
| you.We have vastly different personalities and life experience so
| don't expect that a thing that works for one person will work for
| everybody.
| Barrin92 wrote:
| every time I hear the word "affirmations" I have to think of this
| Mr Robot scene[1]. There's something truly Patrick Bateman like
| about this self-talk that seems like it comes straight out of
| some business self-help book.
|
| I think this kind of stuff isn't really helpful. For one self-
| doubt may very well be correct given the circumstances. It's not
| really sound to attempt to drown that out or not be your own
| critic. Even more importantly it gets people tangled up even more
| in their own thoughts. It may be a trite insight at this point
| but you aren't your own thoughts. You can just listen to them
| without immediately being caught up in them.
|
| If you can deliberate or act on things without being too caught
| up what your 'inner voice' is telling you at any given moment,
| that's a much more solid foundation than repeating weird chants
| to yourself.
|
| [1]https://youtu.be/a8qbJraveSI
| drlolz wrote:
| knowing oneself is hard but rewarding work and for me requires
| self-doubt and criticism and the action that comes out of that,
| it's a non-terminating cycle. sometimes peace and joy are
| involved, many times not. some of these affirmations could be
| useful, but I've always had issues with this overly gentle and
| kind of self-delusional approach. The road to self-actualization
| is not opened up by repeatedly telling yourself that what you
| wish were true is true.
|
| who is this stuff actually targeted at?
| bsenftner wrote:
| This line of reasoning has been formalized by the Cognitive
| Behavioral Therapy school of psychology. Read "Feeling Good" by
| Dr. David Burns to learn how professionals who have made issues
| such as the nature and quality of one's self conversation their
| entire career focus. That book and these professionals have
| significantly higher quality information than this blog post.
| tzs wrote:
| I've been going with yelling "Silenzio, Bruno!" [1].
|
| [1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=754u7BL1Tkk
| ortusdux wrote:
| "Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone
| told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because
| we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple
| years you make stuff, it's just not that good. It's trying to be
| good, it has potential, but it's not. But your taste, the thing
| that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is
| why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past
| this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting,
| creative work went through years of this. We know our work
| doesn't have this special thing that we want it to have. We all
| go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are
| still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most
| important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a
| deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only
| by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap,
| and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took
| longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I've ever met.
| It's gonna take awhile. It's normal to take awhile. You've just
| gotta fight your way through."
|
| -- Ira Glass
| usrnm wrote:
| > All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we
| have good taste
|
| Or because it is a relatively simple white collar job that pays
| crazy money. Which is more likely?
| jcpst wrote:
| It's the first one.
|
| It's not simple, it's not white collar, and it doesn't pay
| crazy money. I wonder where you get that impression from.
|
| For examples, refer to most artists, musicians, poets,
| writers...
| foundart wrote:
| My understanding is that creative work pays little unless
| your work is very popular. See for example the distribution
| of royalties for music streaming or for authors of books.
|
| Given this low likelihood of monetary gain it seems unlikely
| the money is a primary motivator.
| libraryatnight wrote:
| Making a living off ones art isn't easy. It's hard work
| generally just polishing the skill to a point people might
| appreciate it enough to pay for it in some way - then starts
| the hard work of getting people to watch, listen, look, etc.
| If you manage that without some stroke of serious luck it can
| be years to build a sufficient base that a high enough
| percentage of them buy something every release or whatever
| your output is.
|
| Like the quote says, a lot of people quit. A lot that don't
| quit don't make it either, and the lucky among them end up
| sort of art adjacent. You aren't the host, but you're a
| writer, you're not a rock star but after your band fell apart
| you ended up doing sound and lights at a venue you
| frequented, you're not Ira Glass but you're a producer or
| editor.
| csours wrote:
| Also, you don't see the first draft, you see the final edit.
|
| For me, this means that it's OK to try stuff. For a long time I
| got mad at myself for taking half a day to change two lines of
| code. Of course to get to those two lines of code, I had to
| learn a lot and I had to try 10 different approaches.
|
| The units of work for software development are learning and
| trying things, not lines of code.
| vidro3 wrote:
| the Paris Review often prints draft versions of significant
| stories, poems, essays, etc. with editorial notes and
| marginalia on them. It really helps to see how these things
| weren't always in their final state.
| sherilm wrote:
| The irony of affirmations: Why do I have to remind myself of
| being something, if I am already that? In effect, I am reminding
| myself of that which I am not.
| rednerrus wrote:
| Your inner dialog is a liar.
| _fat_santa wrote:
| I wonder if there is a gender gap here when it come to self
| talk. Most articles I've read about affirmations are usually
| written by women. For me as a man I just don't identify with
| things like: "you are enough", my self talk is usually some
| expletive ridden tirade about what I'm doing wrong.
| dv35z wrote:
| Your inner voice is essentially how you parent your inner
| child You. Imagine that 10 year old You was standing in front
| of adult you right now. Would you still use expletives etc?
| We ought to learn from 5th grade teachers on how to talk to
| kids - encouragement, "could" vs "should", avoiding harsh
| criticism. Affirmations work because it's giving deliberate
| encouragement/praise to our inner child selves. Saying things
| out out & hearing them is "special" to our brain.
| Deliberately using emotion (rather than saying it dryly &
| rote) is effective. Music can help.
| nequo wrote:
| Your mind is not infallible. It's like when you're searching
| for your glasses and you realize that you're wearing them, or
| when you're looking for your car keys and realize that you're
| holding them.
| maerF0x0 wrote:
| Many of the critiques of this piece are well spoken to by Dr.
| Jordan Peterson when he says it can be quite troubling to a
| person who senses things are not right in their lives when we say
| things like "You're ok", "Don't be so critical" (ie call this
| situation "good") . etc. And he mentions it can be quite
| distressing because if now is "good" then a) what hope is there?
| They're experiencing suffering/distress and we've now told them
| to just suffer it (and now in silence). and b) it disarms the one
| true lever we have in life, thoughtful action. and often people
| who are hypercritical are paralyzed by self-
| doubt/fear/perfectionism.
|
| I think he has a point.
|
| Maybe affirmations do not work, but some of the sentiment behind
| them could be powerful. "You have a sufficient plan to move
| forward, and you're a sufficient person to take those first
| steps".
| MauranKilom wrote:
| If your inner critic is critical to the point of being
| debilitating, the advice in the article may be helpful. But I'd
| be careful of trying to silence it.
|
| Recently, I was made to look from afar on what I've accomplished
| at $WORK and even my inner critic had to agree that it's been a
| real success story. Paradoxically, this really killed my drive
| for a while. "I don't have to prove myself, to the company or
| myself. Colleagues and management are glad to have me around."
| Ironically (and thankfully) this resting on my laurels of course
| brought the critic right back.
|
| So while I do like feeling 100% confident in myself and my
| skills, a healthy (!) dose of self-doubt is also necessary for me
| to stay humble and keep pushing myself. And this is true outside
| of work just the same.
|
| Naturally, this need not apply to anyone else. But as positive as
| "being happy with yourself/your work/your lifestyle" sounds, it
| also risks removing the gradient toward improving your
| behavior/skills/situation. Or, put another way (in the spirit of
| TSAONGAF): You will always have problems, but maybe wrestling
| with your inner critic is a good problem to have.
| bee_rider wrote:
| It should be OK to rest on your laurels a little bit after a
| big win. When your ancient caveman ancestors killed a mammoth,
| everybody in the tribe chilled out for a couple days afterwards
| I bet.
| paulpauper wrote:
| I don't think imposter syndrome is real, or I think it's
| overstated. I think most people are good at ascertaining their
| competence or lack thereof. If you take a math class, for
| example, I think it's reasonable to assume that one can reliably
| ascertain their knowledge of the material by exam or homework
| performance. If you can follow along with the lectures and do the
| problems, then you are competent, no?
| kayo_20211030 wrote:
| I'll never get back the two minutes it took me to read this
| rubbish.
| ktzn wrote:
| Dang I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm kind of new around here
| so finding my way around and just thought it was interesting.
| SillyUsername wrote:
| Probably worth mentioning there's a trojan on this site.
| prhn wrote:
| I'm sorry, I don't like this one bit.
|
| > I love and accept myself, exactly as I am.
|
| > I am enough. I have enough.
|
| > I am in the right place, at the right time, doing the right
| thing.
|
| How the hell are you supposed to assess and improve on the
| infinite dimensions of yourself when this is your inner
| monologue?
| matt-attack wrote:
| Exactly my thoughts. "I love and accept myself, exactly as I
| am." seems like an entirely defeatist attitude, and one that
| completely discounts the idea of self-improvement.
| jetbooster wrote:
| I think the mantras above might be important for a person who
| struggles with criticising things they can't change about
| themselves, height, beauty, hair loss, age, that sort of
| thing.
|
| I agree that it comes across defeatist using these mantras in
| relation to things you can change, like skills, outlook,
| fitness, number and/or quality of relationships.
| coffeekid wrote:
| There is no silver bullet for growth. Some people need to
| actively seek to be more critical, others need to make that
| criticism more constructive, or be less harsh on themselves.
|
| Have you considered seeing those lines less as the desirable
| inner monologue of the person, but rather as an exercise to
| shift that inner monologue to a more positive mindset ?
| perrygeo wrote:
| "I love and accept myself, exactly as I am" and "I am a person
| striving everyday to improve in multiple dimensions" are not
| mutually exclusive! It sounds like a paradox but I think that's
| a result of our imprecise language. Accepting yourself and
| improving yourself are two side of the same coin.
| _fat_santa wrote:
| I like the idea, but I'm also not a fan how they phrase it. For
| me I have two voices in my head. One is the nice voice telling
| me the affirmations, the other is a very harsh voice telling me
| that I still have work to do. It's a balancing act and you
| can't just listen to one voice.
| dyno12345 wrote:
| I feel like I must have some sort of different personality
| type from those with these comments having one or perhaps
| even more than one "voice" in their head that talks to them
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