[HN Gopher] Researchers find that a simple "talking to strangers...
___________________________________________________________________
Researchers find that a simple "talking to strangers" intervention
is effective
Author : sinashahandeh
Score : 104 points
Date : 2022-12-22 12:40 UTC (2 days ago)
(HTM) web link (www.psypost.org)
(TXT) w3m dump (www.psypost.org)
| RyanShook wrote:
| I'm reading this book to help overcome my fear of talking to
| strangers.
|
| How to Talk to Anyone https://amzn.to/3YKFc21
| jasim wrote:
| > The researchers utilized 286 participants recruited from two
| universities: one in the United States and one in the United
| Kingdom.
|
| The discussion here is interesting, but the research itself falls
| to the typical psychology research trap of using university
| students.
| semitones wrote:
| Was my first thought as well
| amelius wrote:
| Researcher: That's odd ...
|
| HN: Yes, in this very specific instance! Move along, nothing to
| see here!
| Tostino wrote:
| It's one of those where there really isn't too much to
| discuss until this study is reproduced with another
| population segment.
| gpm wrote:
| No. The result is just as interesting (if not more) if it
| only applies to some population segments...
| JoeAltmaier wrote:
| The study was important, but limited in the usual way? Some
| 20-something college students, many paid to perform the study?
|
| In my mind it underscores the need to introduce folks at a
| younger age to social situations. It's a problem that college
| students still can't talk to strangers.
|
| How about a High School program of 'meet a random classmate' or
| some such? It's all about exposure and becoming resilient.
| null_object wrote:
| One overlooked factor in this article, is that some cultures
| consider people strange if they _don't_ make smalltalk between
| strangers, while others may consider you borderline insane if you
| _do._
|
| I moved from a country where these interactions are normal, to
| one where they never happen, and I still find it vaguely
| depressing.
|
| Otoh people who've moved here and never noticed the discomfort of
| those around them when they chatter to strangers are happily
| oblivious to the cultural nuances.
|
| I'd gladly be more like them.
| curiousgal wrote:
| Ah yes, the buzzfeed of science journalism.
| bilsbie wrote:
| Does anyone know what I could say to strangers? That part trips
| me up.
| anyfactor wrote:
| I am a pretty asocial dude. But I think I can make a decent
| first impression by being a "social chameleon".
|
| - recognize the environment you are in
|
| - what are the common ideas that are popular within that space
|
| - wait for a cue and say something interesting that opens up to
| a response
|
| - listen and contribute to the conversation
|
| - start by almost telling a story or making a comment.
|
| - having a friend with you will 10x your confidence in being
| more open to these conversation
|
| - make sure you are not tired and you really are committed to
| have a discussion
|
| Recognize the fact you can't easily have a good conversation
| with a random stranger. You need to have something in common
| with them. The less things you have in common with them the
| more reluctant you will feel to invest in having a casual
| conversation with them.
| JoeAltmaier wrote:
| Good advice.
|
| I'm also fairly asocial. I can be 'on' for maybe an hour
| before social fatigue sets in. The bigger the crowd, the
| smaller the half-life of my social energy.
| JoeAltmaier wrote:
| Something situational. "This is a pretty good party! X always
| seems to do a good job getting interesting folks together."
|
| Start small, work up. Don't start with a long story. Maybe skip
| the questions, which obligates the other to come up with
| something, making them uncomfortable. Make a statement about
| something neutral, or about yourself. See if it gets a
| response. No? Move on.
| [deleted]
| itsmemattchung wrote:
| I think context is key: who, what, when, where, why.
|
| If I'm picking up my daughter from school, striking up a
| conversation with someone (i.e. another parent) would be
| totally different than making chit chat with someone at the
| bar/club. Often, the thing that previously held me back from
| talking with someone was fear of rejection, something I really
| struggled with in my early 20s and found that as I've gotten
| older (mid 30s now), I'm much more comfortable under my own
| skin and find it easier to approach strangers. I don't think
| the fear will ever disappear but, does get easier (in my case)
| with age.
| metamet wrote:
| A simple comment on the situation is a great ice breaker.
|
| After that, the simplest trick is to ask questions that get
| them talking about themselves. Most people are more than happy
| to talk about something they're familiar with, so asking
| something that only they can answer ("So who do you know
| here?", "What do you do for a living?", "What are some of your
| hobbies?") will get the conversation flowing.
| willhinsa wrote:
| Start with small talk! It's so valuable in establishing a
| baseline of "we're two humans in the same condition at heart,
| and the first thing I'm offering is a universally shared
| experience, and not talking crazy to you or starting a fight
| (physical or political or otherwise)"
|
| A lot of people think it's just useless filler but it actually
| is so important and a valuable tool when meeting people!
|
| Talk about the weather! I'm serious! And drop any kind of
| internal pretension about being too good for such an inane
| topic (if that applies to you). Embrace it as if you're meeting
| someone from a distant tribe, and you are both wary of each
| other, and you want to start things off on a good foot. Talking
| about things you know you both deal with and think about is
| literally perfect!
| wolverine876 wrote:
| https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34121349
| karmelapple wrote:
| This book by Leil Lowndes helped me a lot, I highly recommend
| it: How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in
| Relationships
|
| https://a.co/d/cinkdXJ
| xyzelement wrote:
| To add to the others comments about small talk. A big blocker
| to being able to small talk is self-centeredness / self-
| consciousness. A lot of people think that if they say something
| to someone they will be evaluated and that's almost never the
| case.
|
| Unless you look homeless or like you are selling something, and
| unless the other person is mentally ill, they will welcome you
| speaking to them.
|
| And then in terms of content, jokes, questions, and
| observations work well.
|
| For example, if someone's with a small kid, I'll ask how old
| the kid is. If someone's driving a family SUV (something I know
| about from having shopped for one last year) I'll ask how they
| like it. Or just comment - I like your cars, actually
| considered it last year.
|
| Make a joke, even a lame one. Long line at the coffee shop?
| "Wow I need a coffee just to get a coffee here!" Or even dumb
| stuff like "that's a huge menu, I don't see coffee on it"
|
| Etc. The main thing is - if you are coming from a place of
| being human, it will come across as such. Content matters less.
| __MatrixMan__ wrote:
| I think my last conversation with a stranger started with: "you
| know, I thought I needed a zucchini, but after looking through
| these I'm not so sure".
|
| So uh, give that one a try?
| fxtentacle wrote:
| Anything that you both see happening. For example commenting on
| a cute dog passing by is a great conversation starter because
| everyone likes cute animals but everyone has a different
| opinion on what makes them cute.
|
| Some people will go for your conversational hook and jump in.
| Others will ignore you. That's just life and normal, don't
| worry about it.
|
| If someone joins your conversation, be sure to give them plenty
| of space and time to talk themselves. Most people who feel shy
| make the mistake of filing every conversational gap and every
| silent minute. But that other person maybe just needs a moment
| to remember a funny story to tell you.
| einpoklum wrote:
| Notwithstanding the valid criticism of this being a typical "we
| solicited a bunch of university students to XYZ" study...
|
| > People's beliefs changed slowly throughout the course of the
| study
|
| this is interesting: It's not just people's behavior patterns
| that change quickly, it's even their _beliefs_ - and even when
| they know they were being manipulated. An example of the extent
| to which "social being determines consciousness".
| cardanome wrote:
| I find it odd that nearly no one mentioned the issue that some
| people don't want to be talked to. Especially women tend to
| suffer from unwanted attention but it also applies to the general
| case.
|
| Just as you don't have want advertisers to spam your email
| address or call you without your consent you might not want
| randos to try to talk to you.
|
| Please don't reply with stochastic methods like trying to read
| the other person body language and other circumstances and making
| predictions about whether they would like to be talked to or not.
| These methods have a failure rate and if you are talking to a lot
| of strangers it means you will step on lot of toes even if you
| can keep the failure rate relatively low.
|
| Having a baseline dread about talking to strangers is just being
| a well-adjusted adult.
|
| Now there are social contexts like networking events where
| talking to stranger is encouraged and a good skill to have but I
| don't think people that are not good at this are necessarily
| defect.
|
| I feel like the general societal trend is more in the direction
| of talking to stranger becoming less socially acceptable, not to
| mention to mention that is already very unacceptable in many
| countries and would be seen at outright weird.
| guerrilla wrote:
| This isn't really news; it's just exposure therapy, which is
| pretty well known. Habituation is everything in these domains. I
| do like the scavenger hunt though. That's a good icebreaker. The
| list is at the very end of the study by the way[1]. These seem
| pretty difficult for someone with social anxiety or poor
| smalltalking skills though. Al Fresco Find
| someone outdoors, and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
| All Smiles Find someone who seems friendly and [talk to/observe]
| them for a few minutes. Artsy Find someone who looks
| artistic and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes. Blue
| Mood Find someone who looks sad and [talk to/observe] them for a
| few minutes. Bossy Pants Find someone who looks like a
| leader and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
| Caffeination Station Find a barista/server and [talk to/observe]
| them for a few minutes. Coffee Break Find someone who's
| drinking a coffee and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
| Do Gooder Find someone who seems like a nice or kind person and
| [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes. Fashionista Find
| someone who's accessorizing (e.g., wearing a scarf, hat...) and
| [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes. Fun Fabric Find
| someone wearing stand-out print (e.g., stripes, animal-print) and
| [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes. Graphic Tee Find
| someone who is wearing an interesting shirt and [talk to/observe]
| them for a few minutes. Hot Find someone whom you find
| attractive and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
| Hungry Find someone who's eating and [talk to/observe] them for a
| few minutes. Inked Up Find someone who has a tattoo and
| [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes. Inside Find
| someone indoors and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
| Jock Find someone sporty and [talk to/observe] them for a few
| minutes. Kickin' It Find someone who is wearing interesting
| shoes and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes. Line Up
| Find someone who's waiting in a queue/line and [talk to/observe]
| them for a few minutes. Manscape Find someone who has a
| beard/goatee/etc. and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
| Minion Find someone who is wearing a uniform and [talk
| to/observe] them for a few minutes. Nailed It Find someone
| who has funky nails (e.g., unusual shade, fancy design) and [talk
| to/observe] them for a few minutes. Next Gen Find someone
| who's from a different generation than you and [talk to/observe]
| them for a few minutes. On Top Find someone who is wearing
| a hat and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes. Ray of
| Sunshine Find someone who looks happy and [talk to/observe] them
| for a few minutes. Sexy Find someone whose gender differs
| from yours and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
| Skin Deep Find someone whose skin tone is different from yours
| and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes. Twins Find
| someone wearing the same thing as you (hair style, shirt, shoes,
| etc.) and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes. Unicorn
| Find someone who has eye-catching hair (e.g., pink tips), dyed
| hair, or a cool hair style and [talk to/observe] them for a few
| minutes. Wild Card x 2 Find anyone of your choosing and
| [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
|
| 1.
| https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S002210312...
| dheera wrote:
| > many people fear social interactions with strangers due to
| worries about rejection
|
| Actually, no, I don't initiate interactions with strangers
| because I'm male and a good chunk of the population would think
| I'm a creep if I try to interact with them.
| nsxwolf wrote:
| Whenever a stranger talks to me, I think they're about to accuse
| me of something.
| cpach wrote:
| I'm quite the chatterbox and I love talking to strangers. Even if
| I will never see them again. I do it quite often. I feel it
| really adds more fun and meaning as I navigate through my little
| town, or the big city, doing everyday things that could otherwise
| be quite boring. So at least to me this article rings true.
| marcodiego wrote:
| I knew people who loved doing that. One of them told me
| recently that conspiracism has ruined the experience. It is
| very hard to talk to someone today without eventually hearing a
| "Did you know that" followed by a baseless conspiracy theory.
| mistermann wrote:
| I feel the same way about people and their media and
| culturally powered "truths" which are rarely substantiated as
| fact, and often conflict with conspiracy theories.
|
| Although, I find talking to all sorts of people about their
| "factual" beliefs about "reality" to be an immensely
| enjoyable experience. Smart people very often hold the most
| interesting beliefs.
| cheschire wrote:
| Yep, we used to have taboo topics, but the overton window is
| massive these days.
| epicureanideal wrote:
| But maybe it's a good thing that people say these things
| out loud so we can discuss them and maybe convince them
| otherwise? Or learn that in some cases they might be right?
| cheschire wrote:
| Sure, if you have patience and energy for those sorts of
| tug-of-war type conversations.
| tehwebguy wrote:
| Woah, all different topics or what?
| gausswho wrote:
| I also seek out interactions with people I don't know. I'm
| quite practiced at making it natural and unscary for the other
| person. Usually never see them again, and that's ok and even
| desired. There's something very satisfying about it, like I'm
| sharing a moment with the same person each time but in a
| different recombination of the whole of us. I strive to keep a
| regular flow of such interactions coming and I find myself
| getting ambiguously down if they start to dwindle.
| flappyeagle wrote:
| Any tips? I can usually carry a conversation but hard to
| think of a reason to start one
| HPsquared wrote:
| A random observation a la Seinfeld is always good.
| wolverine876 wrote:
| Say what you feel, be genuine. Be curious about them -
| including, read the situation. If they are anxiously
| texting, or looking otherwise like they wouldn't want to be
| disturbed, don't. And don't force it - there's not always
| something to say. It's not hard, there's no secret code;
| it's very basic.
|
| Most of the problem is anxiety. As with anything new,
| you'll get over it as it becomes familiar. Be patient with
| yourself.
|
| The bus is late, _again_ , say 'Not again! Are the other
| buses always late?'
|
| Their fingernail polish catches your eye, say, 'hey -
| that's great. I love the color/design/etc.'
|
| People don't always respond, some might even look at you
| strangely - oh well!
| pat2man wrote:
| Me too but when I was younger I hated it. It was definitely
| centered around a fear of being rejected or ridiculed. I
| eventually learned that my fear was unfounded. Possibly a good
| use of cognitive behavioral therapy.
| wpietri wrote:
| For me my fears were richly justified by experience.
|
| Casual conversation with strangers is both complex and
| subtle, and particularly requires specific face and body
| language. I think neurotypicals underestimate the complexity
| because it comes naturally to them.
|
| These days I'm fine at it and have no fear. But getting rid
| of the fear took getting good at it and doing it enough to
| compensate for those older experiences.
| taeric wrote:
| I'm wary of claims that neurotypicals are somehow better at
| it. Seems more likely that nobody is as good as most
| everyone assumes they are. That is, self assessment is a
| known hard problem. Assessment of others would have many of
| the same traps.
| lazide wrote:
| There are well recognized patterns in specific types of
| 'neuro divergents' that are fundamental to the conditions
| and that make it very difficult, if not impossible, to
| recognize or process common social cues in useful ways.
| It makes them categorically have a much harder time in
| this area, for those categories.
|
| What you're saying is essentially 'meh, don't just assume
| you are hallucinating sometimes just because you're
| schizophrenic'.
|
| Maybe? but if they think they are, they very well might
| be right.
| taeric wrote:
| Fair. My wariness comes from knowing a large number of
| people that claim to have these complications, but are
| also just rude people.
|
| Which is to say, they may be divergent. That doesn't do
| much to suggest that others are "better" at this. Turns
| out that life is hard for most everyone.
| lazide wrote:
| How would you expect them to present except as rude, in
| that situation?
|
| That sounds like you're complaining that said
| schizophrenic in the prior example just 'seems a little
| crazy', but life is tough for everyone?
| taeric wrote:
| I mean rude in the child sense, honestly. Kids can be
| seen as neuro divergent, sure. But even "typical" ones
| are often surprisingly rude. Very few people just "know"
| how to be polite.
| lazide wrote:
| Ok, but what would you expect it to look like otherwise,
| if they could not actually learn those things because
| their brain was not wired to be able to?
|
| They still are going to grow up, but unlike normal folks,
| they can't learn those skills - or if they do, it takes
| vastly more effort.
| taeric wrote:
| Me claim is more to be taken that you should work from
| the assumption it is hard for everyone. Setting yourself
| apart as someone that is "just bad" at it is going to
| reinforce that idea.
|
| Can it be true? Of course. Some folks are also just bad
| at math.
| nicoburns wrote:
| If it was hard for everyone it wouldn't be such a
| problem, as presumably people would be more tolerant of
| others getting it "wrong". As it is, it seems that
| there's a large cadre of people who not only find it
| easy, but find the "correct" behaviours so self-evident
| that they tend to assume that people who don't notice
| these things (or whose natural preferences are different
| from the unwritten social norm) are being wilfully
| offensive.
| taeric wrote:
| It is a learned skill. And many norms are not as shared
| as folks assume they are. As such, I think you are
| understating how willing folks are to tolerate people
| getting it "wrong."
|
| I say this as someone that would almost certainly be
| described as neuro divergent. Fake it till you make it is
| the norm for social interactions. That and repetition.
|
| Is akin to thinking everyone else is a good dancer. I
| mean, the more practiced dancers will be better, at
| large. There are relatively fewer folks that can't dance,
| compared to those that don't dance.
| helf wrote:
| Some days I'm super chatty and will talk to whoever in person or
| online. But I really don't get the obsession society has at large
| with small talk and socializing. I'll happily go weeks with no
| human contact.
|
| People losing their shit over the pandemic lockdowns was cracking
| me up. "Omg can't socialize how I want for a few months!!"
| amelius wrote:
| Is there something governments can do to make their citizens talk
| to strangers more often?
|
| Society seems to be going in the opposite direction (e.g. self-
| checkouts at supermarkets, government services being available
| over the internet, online shops, online gaming, etc.)
| scarecrowbob wrote:
| Perhaps the government could create vast extended families and
| assign them to people via last names like Daffodil-11 or
| Oriole-2 .
| [deleted]
| azornathogron wrote:
| Perhaps this is not something that governments need to do.
|
| A government doesn't actually need to be the director or
| curator of a country's culture, even though it is in a position
| of great influence.
| idle_zealot wrote:
| > A government doesn't actually need to be the director or
| curator of a country's culture
|
| A government, particularly local government, _will_ strongly
| direct community culture whether it seeks to or not.
| Particularly zoning and construction planning will influence
| the space people do or do not have available for meeting and
| socializing. The trend in the US seems to be to spread people
| out and privatize most or all "public" social spaces. I
| wouldn't attribute this shift to governments intentionally
| trying to shift culture to being more isolated, but that is
| the outcome regardless. This means that the only real counter
| to this shift is to get governments to consider the social
| impact of planning and factor it into their decision making.
| jjj123 wrote:
| Absolutely: create more public spaces for people to congregate
| without spending money.
| xyzelement wrote:
| Something I noticed is that religion is a great "forcing
| function" for a lot of healthy behavior including
| socialization.
|
| If your daily or weekly life involves going to a Church,
| synagogue, it something else- you have a built in structure for
| being around and interacting with people.
|
| It's interesting for me to think about - religion declined as
| percentage of population in recent decades but I suspect in the
| long run (1/2 generations) religion provides enough antidote to
| things that plague secular society (isolation, depression,
| childlessness) that it might swing the percentages in the other
| direction.
| guerrilla wrote:
| > religion is a great "forcing function" for a lot of healthy
| behavior
|
| And for a lot of unhealthy behavior too.
| civopsec wrote:
| Why would a government have anything to do with this?
|
| But if you insist: the best thing a government can do is to
| have some civic service which any kind of person can be called
| to do (not just the unenemployed, the retired, or other such
| people that the govt. wants to "keep busy"). There's nothing
| that bonds more (between strangers) than reluctantly having to
| do some task because either Nature or Government is forcing you
| to. ;)
|
| Or just facilitate the creation and running of volunteer
| groups.
| z3r0k00l wrote:
| why is america getting this strange obsession with forcing people
| to do shit they dont want to?
| o--o wrote:
| Mama Said Don't Talk To Strangers . . .
| frabjoused wrote:
| If I was in that intervention, knowing I was interacting with
| other participants would make it easier for me to communicate
| because I would know they were expecting it.
| kentlyons wrote:
| It wasn't entirely clear from this article, but the intervention
| itself is the scavenger hunt and associated instructions. From
| the supplementary material: "Participants in the treatment
| condition were asked to talk to the person for at least a couple
| minutes, whereas participants in the control condition were
| simply asked to observe the person for at least a couple
| minutes". And from the related work this is based on previous
| research: "This suggests a promising intervention strategy: give
| people concentrated and repeated practice talking to strangers,
| so that they may realize their fears are exaggerated."
| varispeed wrote:
| Not sure if this is anything ground breaking. I used to have a
| fear of talking to strangers, but as life would have it I had not
| choice but to get a customer facing job, which meant approaching
| strangers and talking to them. It was terrifying, but after a
| couple of days I wouldn't even think about it. It became nothing.
| Then after I left that job after a couple of months the same fear
| has come back and it was difficult again.
| vouaobrasil wrote:
| Since developing my hobby -- photography, I always talk to
| strangers. Or more accurately, they always talk to me. People are
| always interested in what I am photographing. My advice is take
| up a hobby you can do outside. Not only does it give you
| something to talk about, but it also makes you seem like a fun
| person to talk to (a person with hobbies is likely to be more
| healthy and normal than one without). Plus if you are doing
| something it likely means you are in a good mood and aren't
| likely to be someone to take up another person's time too much.
| It restricts the space of likely outcomes of a chance encounter
| to be mostly good outcomes.
| MezzoDelCammin wrote:
| Have You ever tried asking people to pose for You? Kinda been
| thinking about developing this particular skill myself...
| vouaobrasil wrote:
| Ah not yet. I'm a little shy to do that still. But I
| definitely want to try it!
| pella wrote:
| [dead]
| mtnygard wrote:
| "At its heart, our intervention is simple: it involves repeatedly
| approaching and talking to strangers."
|
| So... the "intervention" to help people gain confidence talking
| to strangers was to have them talk to a bunch of strangers. What
| an odd thing to make an article about.
| JoeAltmaier wrote:
| Sometimes the solution is obvious. The real mystery is how we
| let folks get to college without any opportunity to practice
| social situations.
| Gare wrote:
| If I understand the article correctly, it's about the research
| that tested whether talking to strangers improves wellbeing.
| skybrian wrote:
| ...is effective for some college students in the US and UK.
|
| It would be interesting to see if it varies depending on age or
| in other countries.
| technological wrote:
| This is what I liked about commuting in public bus during my
| undergrad in india. I could easily start conversations with
| strangers and learn so many things
| jx593 wrote:
| [dead]
| sinashahandeh wrote:
| Researchers game money to people and an app so that they pick up
| a stranger and talk to them. They reported positive psychological
| outcome out of the exercise.
| civopsec wrote:
| People got better at something they practiced?
|
| > Though many people have this pervasive fear, research has shown
| that most strangers are perfectly happy to be spoken to, leaving
| this common fear unfounded.
|
| They could be happy because it's a nice change of pace. But what
| would happen if 20% of people started interacting more with other
| people? Would that be liked, or would people be annoyed with
| that?
|
| > Social interaction is very important and has many well-
| documented benefits, such as increased happiness, better health,
| and stronger sense of belonging.
|
| This has become yet another thing for me to worry about: how many
| "cigarettes worth" am I smoking by not socializing enough?
| Thanks, media.
|
| I am almost never lonely alone. (Being along isn't terribly fun
| but it doesn't feel _bad_ , either.) Only together with other
| people. Because I see what they have and what I don't. Then I
| blame myself for my jealousy--it is mine, after all. But jealousy
| is a social thing too, is it not? And that's kind of the kicker.
| Feeling out of place, unworthy, being bothered by the well-
| adjustedness of others _is also_ part of the social game. So
| yeah, _they_ get to have better blood pressure, better longevity,
| and so on--good for them. But I wonder: was their joy and
| happiness a social co-creation, while my less-than-happy
| disposition (again, in the proximity of other people) was self-
| inflicted? Because it wasn't like I just looked at the bare facts
| (as presented to me) of other people's lives and then felt bad--I
| was also informed, in no uncertain terms, of what was acceptable,
| good, wholesome, and what was deservedly labeled as miserable and
| degenerate.
|
| And yet they will be happy together while my misery is almost
| only mine--(1) it was self-inflicted, (2) there is no one else to
| blame but "society", which is too vague, and (3) being upset at
| others would just lower my status further.
|
| And I also will be quiet about this to others. Because no one
| wants to hear about it. But I will know. And they will know. And
| I will say "it was fine". And they will judge me or don't care.
| And I will think that they judge me.
| zug_zug wrote:
| Would love a website for this, timeboxed 3-5 minute chats, like
| chatroulette but ... just normalish people.
| alden5 wrote:
| I've found that being a native english speaker and offering to
| have quick calls/chats with those who are learning is a great
| way to chat with new people. I get to meet cool people from all
| around the world, it's a great experience and I haven't had to
| deal with any weirdos, unlike stranger chat websites where
| finding someone normal is a challenge. I specifically joined an
| English discord server, you'll be surprised how many people
| will want to contact you if you just introduce yourself as a
| native speaker whiling to talk.
| endisneigh wrote:
| what incentive would there be for someone to participate?
| "social media" like this or reddit is the closest you'd get
| geocrasher wrote:
| "Don't talk to strangers!"
|
| Having been told this over and over again as a child there is a
| taboo that was set up about it. It's not right obviously. As a
| small child of course it is can be dangerous to talk to strangers
| but it is the worst kind of fear-mongering.
|
| That's not to say that kids don't need to be protected and that
| there isn't caution to be had for small children. But the blanket
| statement "Don't talk to strangers!" tends to stick with people
| just like riding the bike on the wrong side of the road so you
| can see cars coming, because that's what they were told to do as
| children. In practice though even that is quite dangerous.
|
| Clearly these both have benefits in their context but
| unfortunately there is no expiration date given for them.
| solarmist wrote:
| Yeah, I'm literally going to teach my kids to talk to everyone.
|
| Don't go with anyone we haven't approved, but talk to everyone.
| eshack94 wrote:
| To get better at something, force yourself to do it more often.
| Exposure therapy, there's nothing new or novel here. But it is
| effective.
| itsmemattchung wrote:
| In general, I agree. But most recently, there's one thing
| that's _not_ (for me, at least) getting easier despite doing it
| every day: cold water exposure.
|
| I'm someone who HATES HATES HATES cold temperature. Once, while
| camping in one of the Californian mountains during winter about
| 8 years ago, I couldn't stand the cold and I ended up stuffing
| heated hand-warmers in both of my shoes...accidentally fell
| asleep and woke up blistered feet.
|
| Anyways, starting July 2022 (a little over six months ago), I
| started cold water exposure. Every morning, as early as 4:30
| am, I would force myself to hop in the shower and blast myself
| with cold water for at least 3 minutes. Sometimes 4 minutes.
| Now, I've been doing this consistently, every day, since then,
| and .... it's not getting easier. I still hate it. Every time.
| But I still do it, every day. But no, definitely not getting
| "better" at it, I don't think.
| hrnnnnnn wrote:
| Are you focusing your attention on the feeling of the cold
| water on your skin, or are you trying to distract yourself
| from it?
| smokel wrote:
| Interesting experiment. How do you feel after or during the
| three minutes? Would you describe the experience as
| rewarding?
|
| If not, perhaps you could change something in or after the
| routine to create a positive feedback?
| itsmemattchung wrote:
| During the 3 minutes: mildly physically painful and
| mentally challenged. After, though, very rewarding -- the
| adrenaline helps wake me up and helps me transition fairly
| quickly into a state of focus.
|
| > If not, perhaps you could change something in or after
| the routine to create a positive feedback?
|
| You're probably right: I probably need to start
| incorporating some better breathing techniques (e.g. Wim
| Hof).
| TedDoesntTalk wrote:
| > Wim Hof
|
| Came here to suggest him to you. First i read his book,
| and used the technique there. It's described in a page or
| two; you don't have to read the whole book unless you
| want to). Now I use his phone app. He also has YouTube
| videos but I haven't watched them.
|
| Anyway, his breathing technique really helped me. I have
| not done cold baths yet, just showers, but it's been 2
| years and I can take a cold shower of any duration now.
| Started at 10 seconds!
|
| The breathing technique can take 20 minutes so if I'm in
| a hurry, I skip it and seem to do ok anyway. Not sure how
| or why, but maybe just by habit.
| gundamdoubleO wrote:
| It can be difficult for people to take that first step though.
|
| I was extremely anxious about making conversation with
| strangers for years. Actually forcing myself to just do it and
| accept the uncomfortable feeling I always felt during and
| afterwards felt like an insurmountable task. I eventually did
| get mostly competent at it but that process of convincing
| myself to start and keep going probably took years.
| sph wrote:
| That is true, but the point of the article is a little more
| subtle: not only exposure helps, but most of us hold the
| irrational belief that strangers are not interested in talking
| with us, and this study shows that strangers are actually more
| pleasant and forthcoming than one might think they are.
|
| I am terrible with striking conversations with random people on
| the street or outside of settings I know I have to meet
| someone. But the 3 or 4 times in my life I _had_ to interact
| with complete strangers, or groups of them, it always went
| better than expected. Anyone that has taken a little MDMA at a
| party will have experienced it: when you make a point of
| introducing yourself to everyone, people tend to be quite
| friendly and open.
| itsmemattchung wrote:
| > Anyone that has taken a little MDMA at a party will have
| experienced it: when you make a point of introducing yourself
| to everyone, people tend to be quite friendly and open
|
| Especially if everyone else is on MDMA as well...
| sph wrote:
| During that MDMA experience of mine I was the only one
| tripping, and I met all people in that small club, went
| backstage to chat with the band, joined two ladies and
| smoothly started dancing and flirting with one of them (but
| I was too high to take it further. People on ecstasy have a
| rather unattractive pale look)
|
| The next day I remember how easy it felt, and that the fear
| of strangers was completely irrational; Certainly, sober I
| make an even better impression than when I'm high as a
| kite.
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