[HN Gopher] For many widows, the hardest part is mealtime (2019)
___________________________________________________________________
For many widows, the hardest part is mealtime (2019)
Author : wallflower
Score : 84 points
Date : 2022-11-29 15:47 UTC (1 days ago)
(HTM) web link (www.nytimes.com)
(TXT) w3m dump (www.nytimes.com)
| sokoloff wrote:
| https://archive.ph/7uA1X
| munificent wrote:
| Every time things like this come up, people rightly mention
| multigenerational households.
|
| But then someone else brings up the lack of privacy and
| imposition of having multiple generations under one roof.
|
| What I never heard people talk about, though is _changing our
| architectural practices to support multigenerational households_.
| There are "mother-in-law suites" you see sometimes (though these
| days they seem to be mostly for renters). But I think there is a
| huge opportunity to innovate in how we design homes to balance
| the need for community with larger families against the need for
| privacy and solitude.
| screye wrote:
| > changing our architectural practices to support
| multigenerational households
|
| This is true about so many things. Infrastructure and
| architecture around us lead to a majority of emergent
| properties in the way society interacts.
|
| In the 3rd world, it is fairly common to purchase an apartment
| for your parents in the same neighborhood as where you settle
| in. The free daycare itself makes up for the mortgage and the
| old people sitting by benches on evenings serve as communal
| protection while the kids play seemingly unsupervised.
| 1270018080 wrote:
| At this point it's a topic beaten to death, and it's edgy to
| say, but I really believe the suburb/highway model 95% of
| America is stuck with is the root of all evil. Whether people
| voluntarily seek it out or they're trapped in it. Every bad
| thing I can think of seems to stem from it in one way or
| another. Physical, mental, financial, environmental, and
| political health all considered.
| screye wrote:
| > topic beaten to death, and it's edgy to say
|
| It's sad that that when a big enough part of a population
| reaches the obvious conclusion, it is considered edgy
| because the magnitude of the damage that was caused is so
| large, and is finally recognized as such.
|
| > suburb/highway model 95% of America is stuck with is the
| root of all evil
|
| There are very few mono-causal absolutes that I actually
| agree with and this is one of them.
| dsfyu404ed wrote:
| >but I really believe the suburb/highway model 95% of
| America is stuck with is the root of all evil.
|
| I think you're mistaking "occasionally challenged" for
| edgy. People who believe what you believe are dominant on
| HN. You're basically just bemoaning that you're not so
| dominant that you never see criticism.
| frankus wrote:
| One common objection I hear is that there's clearly a
| revealed preference for that kind of housing in North
| America, because it's still relatively in-demand.
|
| But by that standard there's also a revealed preference
| for airline food on airliners.
| haroldp wrote:
| Excellent analogy. And pretty much no one who advocates
| for _allowing_ more flexible housing wants to _forbid_
| suburban single family detached homes. Buy that, if that
| 's what you want. Just stop limiting everyone else to
| that.
| imchillyb wrote:
| > ...opportunity to innovate in how we design homes...
| @munificent
|
| This sounds like a statement made by someone that's never gone
| through the US process of purchasing a new home.
|
| New homes have floorplans that are not designed to be 'consumer
| usable.' The floorplans and layout of the development are
| designed to maximize profit. That means squeezing tiny spaces
| into tiny plots in order to make several million more dollars
| per development, sometimes hundreds of millions of dollars.
|
| These generic plans are drawn up by the lowest-cost bidder, and
| then sold to buyers who can barely afford those.
|
| The entire market is complicit in this, and it is by design.
|
| Want a multi-generational house? It won't be in a development,
| and it will cost more than two houses that are in a
| development.
|
| Good luck with that...
| dsfyu404ed wrote:
| If these crap floorplans didn't sell people wouldn't build
| them. If they sold worse there'd be alternatives.
|
| I don't see why people want them but clearly they do.
| frankus wrote:
| It could be a classic information asymmetry (people don't
| know what they want until they've lived with it, or even
| know that something better is possible).
|
| The same process that has turned most store-bought
| strawberries into freakishly-large flavorless blobs.
| idontpost wrote:
| neutronicus wrote:
| People generally pick a location, set some criteria (must
| have X bedrooms, Y bathrooms, Z square footage, parking),
| see the small integer number of houses in the market in
| that location satisfying those criteria in-budget, and go
| with the one whose maintenance seems least daunting.
|
| There aren't even really enough options to be picky about
| floor-plan most of the time, especially if the house with
| the wonderful floor-plan hasn't had the roof replaced for
| 15 years.
| yardie wrote:
| You can have a custom home built. In general they are 10-20%
| more expensive. Because any savings in economies of scale a
| developer might see get converted to profit, not savings.
| Architects are a thing and do take on SFH projects when
| asked.
| yamtaddle wrote:
| I wish we'd at least go back to putting _walls_ in houses.
| These open floorplans that look so nice in real-estate photos
| and have that "wow" factor when you walk through the front
| door _suck_ to live in, but it 's most of what gets built these
| days. Give me rooms with doors, damnit.
| paulryanrogers wrote:
| We had a small bungalow with so many doors. Literally every
| room except the common room had them. I removed a few, but
| once kids arrived it was clear why it was built that way.
| dntrkv wrote:
| They don't suck to live in. I would much rather live in an
| open floor plan. Maybe your needs are different and you need
| privacy within the common areas of your house, but not
| everyone has those same needs.
| julianlam wrote:
| It's a give and take.
|
| We have an open floor plan in our main living area. It's a
| "give" in that I am able to watch my children playing in
| the common area from the kitchen. It's a "take" in that if
| I am cooking with the exhaust fan on, there's no way you
| can hear the TV.
|
| It's also a take in the sense that when people come over,
| they see the mess in the kitchen if there is one. Sometimes
| a door is nice that way.
| yamtaddle wrote:
| They're fine when you've got a huge amount of square
| footage to spare, for the number of people in the house. A
| common time to realize how much nicer some walls and doors
| would be is after having kids. Walls and doors let you have
| a larger number of occupants living in a given space
| without sacrificing comfort.
|
| Our house has an open kitchen + living room + entryway +
| stairway, and that's not so bad--because we also have a
| huge basement, four bedrooms for 2 adults + 3 kids, two
| extra rooms that are walled off with doors (we had to add
| the doors, though...), et c. So that open space is OK,
| because we have _way_ more house than we 'd need to be
| similarly-comfortable if it were better laid out, including
| having more walls and doors.
| _448 wrote:
| In India, some families do follow this type of setup. My
| neighbor was asking me if I wanted to sell my apartment because
| he wanted to combine his apartment with mine so that his
| parents could stay with him. In my neighborhood there are few
| families, who could afford, have bought 2-3 apartments and
| combined them so that three generations can stay under one
| roof.
| Macha wrote:
| "Granny flats", they're called here, but they fell out of
| fashion because:
|
| (a) New houses tend to be built in housing estates as either
| terraces or semi-detached without the land to add on a granny
| flat like in a lot of the pre-1950s houses that had them added
| on later.
|
| (b) A lot of them were rather shoddily built.
|
| (c) The end of single-income households for most of the
| populace means that even if someone was living in a granny
| flat, the younger generation would not be around to offer
| company/assistance because both are working.
| dntrkv wrote:
| The main reason is that zoning makes it impossible to build
| them in most places. That has recently changed in CA and the
| amount of permits submitted for ADUs has increased by
| multiple magnitudes in the last 5 years (in certain locales,
| LA being one).
| frankus wrote:
| And even when it's legal, it's often not "by right". So you
| end up with restrictions against e.g. renting out both the
| main house and the ADU.
| [deleted]
| Arrath wrote:
| > (b) A lot of them were rather shoddily built.
|
| Yeah, I don't think my mother-in-law suite has a true right
| angle in it anywhere other than my IKEA bookshelf :V
|
| Not terribly surprising it was a DIY build by my landlord's
| father back in the 60s.
| wonder_er wrote:
| They didn't _quite_ "fall out of fashion" - they were made
| illegal by a certain group of people, in order to reduce the
| relative power/independence of other groups of people.
| zrail wrote:
| > changing our architectural practices to support
| multigenerational households
|
| Yes this. Our house has a mother in law suite. While we have
| tiny kids it's my office and my partner's art studio but it
| converts nicely into a guest suite. When my kids are grown I
| expect at least one of them will want to move to the MIL suite
| on a semi-permanent basis.
| pengaru wrote:
| This is just another negative to not diversifying your happiness
| sources and friend circles.
|
| When literally the only shared activity you engage in is eating
| at the same table with few other people, and that activity is
| also the only thing you do that brings pleasure, you're
| completely destroyed when it's disrupted.
|
| It's such a lazy, low-effort existence. Invest more effort and
| time in _doing_ _fun_ _stuff_ , go camping, hiking, cycling,
| sailing, running, climbing... find good active friends who do
| diverse fun things where eating is an inconvenience because
| there's so much better things to do and you're no longer addicted
| to shoving comforting things in your mouth, go take some effing
| risks.
|
| Don't be surprised when you don't bother and what pittances of
| pleasure sources you had vanish and you're up shit's creek
| without a paddle, and probably don't even have your health
| because you've been pleasure eating for decades while likely
| living an otherwise sedentary boring ass life.
| euroderf wrote:
| When a person is enveloped in grief, cooking a meal is the most
| impossible thing to do. The reasons are many, but it is so.
|
| If someone you know has just lost their loved one, in those days
| soon after, visit them, and take containers with some meals you
| have prepared. Like, heat'em and eat'em.
|
| Even if you only go to check in and hug and drop them off.
|
| It will relieve that person of a burden.
| trynewideas wrote:
| I'm always going to caveat this with a request to get
| permission before bringing food. Aside from all the usual
| dietary concerns, it can backfire the same ways as other well-
| meaning acts - flowers that die in front of you, cards or gifts
| that make the worst memories persist.
|
| If multiple people do this without coordination, or I'm not
| hungry or simply don't like it, I felt guilty throwing it out.
| Even if I did eat it, if I ate it alone I associated that food
| with the grief and absence in that moment, which compounded the
| grief and made me resent the food, which festered guilt anyway.
|
| What I wanted so, so, so much more than the food was the
| company. I'd take a frozen pizza or a cold drive-thru burger
| and an evening of talking in those first weeks and months over
| a delicious homecooked meal that was dropped off with a brief
| visit and left alone with me, every single time.
|
| Staying as company felt inclusive and distracting in ways that
| helped. Dropping it off felt like I was a burden, a
| responsibility getting checked off of a list. In retrospect I
| know better, but in the moment it was a dangerous feeling.
|
| If that's all you can do, it's more than nothing, and it can be
| appreciated. But just ask first, communicate that, if you can
| then offer to do more when you're able to.
| tenacious_tuna wrote:
| A counterblanace to this:
|
| My stepfather is dying of melanoma. My mom says the last thing
| she wants is people bringing food by--largely because she just
| doesn't have the energy left to deal with socializing, in any
| capacity, even the polite "Oh, thanks" of receiving the food,
| or much worse the inevitable "So how's he doing? How are you?"
|
| I considered asking her if something like leaving a fridge
| accessible for people to stash things in without contact would
| help, but I felt a bit like I was missing the point: I think so
| often in situations like this we, those outside of the
| emotional experience, focus on ways we can help because it
| makes us feel better. Consistently what's been helpful for her,
| and for me, in talking with others isn't so much having
| suggestions or problem-solving, but just sharing the absolutely
| crushing absurdity of the experience of watching another human
| slowly die, and have the other person say "I don't even know
| what to say, that just sounds exhausting/insane/stressful."
|
| Culturally we seem to focus so much on accelerating these
| seasons of grief because we don't want people to remain in
| pain, but some of it's necessary. There's a balance of being
| able to sit in the loss, and let it be real, that's a necessary
| part of the grieving process.
|
| I might be missing your point a bit: of course having access to
| healthy food is useful when you're incapable of doing it
| yourself. I think I just personally wish for more awareness
| that most "outsiders'" immediate reaction when exposed to
| emotional pain of this magnitude is to find A Thing To Do to
| alleviate them of the emotional pressure they feel, regardless
| of the energy it requires from the sufferer to engage with
| that.
| treeman79 wrote:
| My dad passed away recently. My mom was constantly trying to cook
| for me. She did all the cooking for my dad.
|
| Was weird in that he wanted food cooked the same exact way as she
| had done for the last 48 years, no variation tolerated.
|
| Trouble being that she was is a terrible cook and he liked his
| food burnt to hell and loaded with sugar and massive quantities
| of taco seasoning.
|
| Pretty sure Taco Bell is healthier.
|
| So I ended up doing all the cooking.
|
| She seemed to make up for lack of cooking time by showing me
| things of his I might want for hours on end for multiple weeks.
|
| Me and siblings now have tons of boxes of stuff we don't want.
| But it calmed her down for us to take it.
|
| I didn't realize how important making the meals was to her. Not
| that she cares about the food. She knew it was terrible. She was
| excited to start eating the way she wants to.
|
| But 40+ years of habit is really hard to break.
|
| Side tip. We leaned hard way that social security survivor
| benefits and various pensions will stop immediately and take
| multiple months to switch to widow benefits. We got her covered.
| But was a nasty surprise.
| Buttons840 wrote:
| Several months ago I learned I have celiac disease (the "no
| gluten" autoimmune disease) and I also have extremely high LDL
| cholesterol (~200 LDL-C), so I've removed all gluten and almost
| all saturated fat from my diet. At this point I don't believe I
| can eat out anymore, and yeah, it sucks. So many old friendships
| were maintained by a lunch meeting every 6 months. Eating is just
| the default social activity everyone participates in. I don't
| know a replacement for that.
|
| The standard American diet lives up to its acronym. It's sad that
| a single food allergy and a goal to follow dietary guidelines
| eliminates almost all fast food and resturaunt food. Hell, at
| this point I believe anyone simply wanting to follow saturated
| fat guidelines is excluded from eating out.
|
| Nobody has to die in order for you to find yourself eating alone
| every meal.
| haroldp wrote:
| Find restaurants that are celiac-safe. You may find it safer to
| pick cuisines that naturally don't include wheat, than to get
| the gluten-free option at a regular gluten-y restaurant.
| bombcar wrote:
| If your friends know of your condition, perhaps during the
| warmer months instead of meeting at a restaurant you can meet
| at a park nearby - they can grab some takeout and you can bring
| something that meets your needs.
|
| It's relatively easy to find "gluten free" these days (though
| that varies on how actually gluten free it is) but the
| saturated fats are going to be harder to miss.
| jraby3 wrote:
| I somehow started inviting friends and meetings for walks
| instead of meals.
|
| It started because I was tired of sitting all day. And because
| I was connected to a VC and had meetings where I could dictate
| the terms, I'd let people know that I didn't want to sit and
| see a PowerPoint. I wanted to walk along the beach (near my
| office) and walk.
|
| Now I also have a few friends I do this with. Friends I don't
| see often. I find walking to be better for conversation,
| health, and just more fun.
|
| Not sure if this is possible. I live and work by the beach and
| near a lot of parks. But I strongly recommend at least offering
| it. There must be other people sick of sitting all the time.
| equalsione wrote:
| I've had similar experience. I found that I went through a kind
| of mourning for my old life for a while. It's a huge
| adjustment.
|
| It also eats up a huge amount of time - reading labels for
| hidden ingredients, trying to come up with a meal that you can
| make that doesn't include the bad things etc. It became very
| isolating. Eventually I decided I had to figure out a middle
| ground.
|
| I will meet people for "lunch" and just have coffee, or
| whatever I can tolerate from the menu. I have people over more
| often because I know what I cook won't make me sick. I went
| back to eating out - it takes a while to figure out/trust
| restaurants you can eat at. There will be mistakes along the
| way.
|
| Good luck - I hope it gets easier for you.
| wobbly_bush wrote:
| Does keto diet work for you? Based on your description I guess
| it would. Some restaurants offer some dishes which work for
| keto diet, but its still not widespread.
| drewzero1 wrote:
| It may, but unlike most omission diets, celiac disease
| requires strict cross-contamination avoidance requiring
| special considerations in the prep area (or better yet, a
| separate prep area). It's difficult for restaurants to
| provide safe gluten-free meals but in general I've noticed
| the options are much better than they were a decade ago.
| Insanity wrote:
| My grandmother became a widow this year, after almost 70 years of
| marriage.
|
| She talked daily about how she finds it hard to eat, or make
| food, for one. Our solution now is that she visits other family
| members for dinner instead, and that helps at least for dinner
| time.
| _448 wrote:
| After my dad passed away, my mom returned home, where they had
| stayed for more than a decade. My sister called my mom that
| evening during dinner time to enquire how she was doing and
| whether she had her dinner. My mom said, "I am cooking, and I
| feel that he(i.e. my dad) is sitting at the dinner table wait to
| be served dinner. Even during lunch I felt his presence. I am not
| alone."
|
| My sister just hung up the phone and drove along with her husband
| to pick up my mom and bring her back with them. My mom is staying
| with them ever since.
| LiquidInsect wrote:
| I'll be seven months in as of two days from now.
|
| I find myself making way too much food, and having to freeze
| things back. Things I used to make in bulk that would last us 3
| meals now take me over a week to finish, if I don't just throw it
| out.
|
| If I don't want to cook, the thought of going out to eat by
| myself, getting a table for one, just feels pathetic and I don't
| want to do it. If I order delivery, I still end up getting too
| much.
|
| If I make some new thing, something she never got to try, I feel
| like crap because it's another experience we didn't get to have
| together. Same for going to a new restaurant. All of this will
| get easier with time but I wouldn't wish this life on anyone.
| hahamrfunnyguy wrote:
| Divorced for two years and I did most of the cooking, it didn't
| affect me much because I was already making large batches of
| food and freezing it. Here's my system:
|
| - I cook about two dishes per week that freeze and re-heat
| well. (chilis, curries, soups, stews, refried beans, hummus,
| beans, etc) - I cook 6-8 servings at a time, eat one right away
| and put two away and freeze the rest - Before I eat up the rest
| of what's in the fridge, I get another 2-4 servings out of the
| freezer and put them in the fridge - If I don't want to have
| what's in the fridge or freezer I cook a quick meal (stir fry,
| omelet, mac & cheese, pasta, ramen, etc)
|
| I never get bored of my food and I don't spend a ton of time
| cooking. I also like to make things that can be "remixed" into
| other dishes to keep things interesting.
| acd10j wrote:
| Divorced and Widowed is not the same thing. In later
| specially in happy marriage grief component is very profound.
| In case of divorce grief might not be present.
| bobkazamakis wrote:
| being a victim of divorce court is entirely a circumstance of
| your choosing.
| madrox wrote:
| I'm so sorry for your loss.
| poisonarena wrote:
| >going out to eat by myself, getting a table for one, just
| feels pathetic
|
| I do this all the time, movies as well. Never had a spouse, I
| don't see anything wrong with it. I think you should try it,
| even if it makes you feel pathetic. You need to learn to live
| by yourself for a while maybe
| trynewideas wrote:
| It took me about 14 months to get to the point where enjoying
| something novel didn't invoke guilt. It has gotten, and does
| and will get, easier, but I also remember where you were very
| well and I know there's not much I can say that will help you
| now - it's terrible.
| jmann99999 wrote:
| Sorry for your loss. It's never easy.
|
| However, I do want to take away the stigma of eating alone,
| watching a movie alone, etc. In my previous life, I was a tech
| consultant who traveled with a team and then was left behind by
| myself to finish the job. I spent more time alone in New
| Orleans, Columbus, Newark, and Dallas than I would have ever
| expected.
|
| What I learned is that many people are alone. Those of us that
| were alone, together often met others and weren't so alone. It
| made the time better.
|
| More importantly, you may not want to go out and eat dinner or
| go to a movie. That is a reasonable choice. That said, if you
| do and if you are worried about people thinking about you being
| alone you should know that most people don't notice anyone
| else. So they are not making judgments.
|
| Most importantly, there are a lot of us who are alone out
| there. If you sit at the bar (and don't worry about drinking or
| not), you'll fit right in with the rest of us who are doing the
| same thing. We're all in this together.
| Nekhrimah wrote:
| "Yes they're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's
| better than drinking alone."
|
| Billy Joel - The Pianoman.
| sonofhans wrote:
| I'm so sorry, that sounds unimaginably hard. It's hard for me
| to cook interesting things when my SO is just out of town for a
| bit.
|
| One thing that did work for me when we were separated for a
| while was treating food like a chore, like showering or
| running. I gave myself permission to be monotonous, and just
| kept eating the same simple healthy things.
| LiquidInsect wrote:
| I have my phone remind me do to all those simple things that
| used to be effortless, like take a shower, eat something,
| feed the cat, water the plants, etc.
|
| It does tend to be a lot of the same stuff. I've made more or
| less the same breakfast for 7 months now.
| trynewideas wrote:
| Right after my spouse passed, my neighbors very cleverly
| asked me if I could make them coffee and bring it over
| every morning - I had an espresso maker, it was still peak
| pandemic with limited access to coffee shops, I'd been so
| isolated and careful as a caretaker that I wasn't a risk,
| and they were desperate to have lattes.
|
| That got me out of bed every day for months, right when I
| wanted to the least. I'd eventually have to leave the house
| to pick up coffee and milk. It meant making someone happy
| every day, doing something I enjoyed, saying hi and talking
| to someone face-to-face even if it was brief. That kept me
| going and held me accountable. Anything you can do like
| that is going to make things easier.
| mwigdahl wrote:
| Sounds like you have wise and kind neighbors. I'm very
| sorry for your loss but I'm happy they were able to help
| keep you connected to life.
| incanus77 wrote:
| It will get easier. Six and a half years for me, after almost
| ten of marriage. I wasn't the main meal preparer, but
| everything about mealtime took a different tack, including
| going out and experiencing new things in life. I felt like half
| of a team tackling the world. Eventually I moved to the mindset
| that the number one thing she would have wanted for me was to
| keep adventuring and getting out there, and I took to it
| quickly. Just as we grew to a be a team, I grew for a while to
| be solo, and then eventually grew to be a team with someone
| else. Our hearts heal and our patterns can change.
| ep103 wrote:
| I understand that the main issue is the sadness, but there is
| nothing wrong with going to a restaurant by yourself.
| Absolutely nothing, and there is nothing to be ashamed of or
| pathetic. No one else in the restaurant will think twice about
| it either.
| Cerium wrote:
| I used to dine out a lot by myself. At first it is strange,
| but you can get over it. Other people assume you are
| traveling or working late. The waitstaff tend to pay more
| attention to you in my experience. Places I frequented would
| do things like bring me tea right away.
| Mustache wrote:
| I still dine out alone at times because my family doesn't
| like some of the places I like to eat (spicy foods mostly)
| and I don't care what anyone thinks, it doesn't bother me.
| 13of40 wrote:
| I wish this were true, but I can tell when someone thinks I'm
| a weirdo for eating out alone. Just a month or two ago I went
| to a McMenamins (a pub/restaurant chain in Oregon and
| Washington) to have lunch and poke on my laptop, and the guy
| seating me literally asked if I didn't, like, have a wife or
| kids or anything.
| Arrath wrote:
| What a rude host, damn.
| maximus-decimus wrote:
| You're not a weirdo. That host is a weirdo.
| stickfigure wrote:
| "They died in a car accident. Thanks for asking."
| InCityDreams wrote:
| "Yes, they came last week, and i wanted to see if you're
| as big a cunt as they said you were."
| trynewideas wrote:
| There's so much more to it than embarrassment when grief is
| involved.
|
| For me it felt pathetic because their absence overshadowed
| absolutely everything else, making it all feel wasted, from
| the effort to get out of the house to the order to eating to
| returning home.
|
| It didn't matter if the restaurant or bar was full or empty,
| what others thought about me never crossed my mind, because
| all I could think about was the empty seat across from me,
| the empty stool next to me. Why bother when I can feel like
| that at home?
| LiquidInsect wrote:
| That's it, right there. It's less about what I imagine
| people around me are thinking and more about that inner
| critic. It's a hard thing to silence.
| mattbee wrote:
| If a buzzy restaurant or show has a long queue outside you
| can usually skip it on your own. Feels very cool!
| gorjusborg wrote:
| Right on. I do sometimes notice when people dine out alone,
| but I don't see it as strange or lesser than. I really just
| see them as a strong person, and wonder about their story.
| quickthrower2 wrote:
| I was bored, went to a pub alone once, played pool with
| random people, was quite fun. For couple of hours. But didn't
| like it as a general habit. But no one cared.
| NamTaf wrote:
| Just chiming in to say that I went through all of this myself
| in 2015. It's a long adjustment and grief is non-linear, but
| ultimately adjust you will.
| digitalengineer wrote:
| I am sorry for you loss. someone I hold dear shared "A short
| story for support, by an old man" with me and I found it
| helpful. I don't know who wrote it, but perhaps I can share it
| here.
|
| https://docs.google.com/document/d/1I2OnFobFvY0m3i4SGuDFh2kH...
| Zachsa999 wrote:
| While eating at a restaurant yesterday I saw my old friend who
| lost his partner to cancer 2 months ago eating alone. He was
| looking very lonely, and I was struck with how eating is an
| immense part of our social life as humans.
|
| I walked over and chatted after which he looked physically
| healthier. Let's not forget our loved ones.
| bombcar wrote:
| In general I have a rule - if I see someone at a restaurant I
| know who is alone I offer to join them. Or if they walk in I
| wave them over.
|
| I don't get a ton of chances to utilize this rule, but it's
| been successful.
| UIUC_06 wrote:
| You're a nice person. I'm often alone, and I might or might
| not welcome the company, depending.
|
| It's probably easier for a table of three or more to welcome
| a stranger. There are actually restaurants where "big tables
| full of strangers" are the rule, not the exception.
|
| "Sit at the bar" is my recommendation. Being alone is more
| normal there, and it's easy to chat with the person next to
| you.
| bombcar wrote:
| Yeah, one of the nicest things about Amtrak long-distance
| trains is you sit to dinner at a packed table for 4 no
| matter how many are in your party. Somehow that leads to
| conversation when sitting next to someone for ten hours on
| a plane doesn't.
| pengaru wrote:
| I found this one of the most obnoxious aspects of riding
| the Zephyr.
|
| Even when there were plenty of open dining tables staff
| packed us in like sardines with complete strangers who
| half the time devolved the conversation into insane
| right-wing politics and spouting q-anon level conspiracy
| theories.
|
| It only served to further cement my preference for
| fasting on train rides. That round-trip was shared with
| my mother who attended every meal in the dining car, and
| sometimes I just went with to keep her company. The
| social aspect could be great if the quality of the people
| were more predictably good... but it's an outmoded form
| of travel inching across the USA, I found the people
| mostly unwelcome at the shared table.
| UIUC_06 wrote:
| Different strokes. Maybe you and your mother could subtly
| make fun of the crazies, in a way that you two could
| laugh about later.
|
| I knew a guy whose standard answer to a crazy
| conspiracist was to look seriously at them and say, "It's
| even worse than you think!" Never tried that, myself.
| pengaru wrote:
| That's not really what I'm interested in when trying to
| enjoy/share a meal.
|
| Much of the social problems in the Zephyr's dining car
| are created by Amtrak. I'm not sure if it was this way
| pre-covid, but presently only sleeper car passengers have
| dining car access. It could be another form of
| skimpflation. But the current experience on that train is
| highly segregated coach vs. sleeper car passengers. This
| selects for a specific demographic in the dining car.
|
| The socializing is much healthier and more diverse in the
| lounge car where all passengers have access, and you get
| to choose where you sit and have freedom to move around
| at will.
|
| What goes on in the dining car today is a complete shit
| show.
|
| (I rode the Zephyr between IL and CA four times this
| year, twice in coach and twice in a sleeper (two round
| trips))
| paganel wrote:
| I know that you're doing it with a good heart, just wanted to
| point out that are some of us who do like to eat out alone.
| After my divorce about 10 years ago there were a few years
| when I went out eating all by myself and I couldn't say that
| I was sad during those going outs, quite the contrary.
|
| Also, I personally don't like socialising, as in talking,
| while eating, and I guess I'm not alone in this.
| Zachsa999 wrote:
| Each to his own. Just don't forget the vastly different
| experiences everyone on this planet has.
| paganel wrote:
| Of course, hence my comment.
| [deleted]
| notacoward wrote:
| There's a lesser version of this in the "empty nest" scenario.
| When my daughter (only child) went to college, there were
| suddenly some meals I had no reason to cook - it's funny how you
| can miss cooking something you never particularly cared to eat -
| and many snacks I had no reason to stock. Even the meals I do
| cook have often needed adjustment for two people instead of
| three. Still haven't found a good half-size pan for my "Hamtramck
| style" pizza (Detroit style with kielbasa). The kitchen is
| definitely a sadder place than it used to be, and it does make me
| wonder about the days when it'll be just one.
|
| Also, now I understand better why my mother always kept my
| favorite cookies around even though we only visited once a year
| or less. I never had the heart to tell her that they were always
| stale by the time we got there.
| nickphx wrote:
| My oldest recently moved out, youngest off to college... I'm
| finding it difficult to adjust cooking habits as well. It's
| interesting to me how our behaviors adjust to accommodate
| life's needs and how noticeable they become once they're no
| longer needed.
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