[HN Gopher] Getting Out of a Rut
___________________________________________________________________
Getting Out of a Rut
Lately, I've just been trying to get by. Feels like my body has
been running on autopilot. The consequence of which life just seems
to go by even faster. Losing the ability to relax and the feeling
of self-control, over-indulging in endless feeds of videos, games
and services that further drain the energy that I so crave to
return. To a point where it feels more like an addiction, with my
body now responding with physical discomforts and a relapse of
anxiety that I have not felt for years. But I think everything's
going to be alright. Getting out of bed is a drag, my apartment
might be a bit messy, work and relationships not going as well I'd
like, procrastinated every possible task that needs to be done..
You know. Right now, I'm just surprised to find myself writing
about it whilst grateful to be acknowledging that I'm in a rut.
I'm motivated to get out of this. At the same time I'm scared I'll
just go back to autopilot on Monday. In February, I'll become a
father and I want to be there for my son. Where do I go from here?
Author : beepdyboop
Score : 176 points
Date : 2022-10-22 12:54 UTC (10 hours ago)
| rationalfaith wrote:
| PKop wrote:
| Lift weights and get sunlight and vitamin D, which will boost
| energy and testosterone, and thus motivation. If you're not doing
| the physical/health necessities as a baseline foundation, nothing
| else will work. Start there.
|
| Good books to motivate drive for masculine purpose, including
| prioritizing the body instead of modern tendency to a sedentary
| isolation of the mind apart from the body:
|
| Bronze Age Mindset by Bronze Age Pervert
| https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/40388177-bronze-age-m...
|
| Sun and Steel by Yukio Mishima
| https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/62804.Sun_Steel
|
| Goodluck
| tartoran wrote:
| Simplify your life. Start with a purge, get rid of stuff that
| clutters your life (including digital clutter) and make room for
| deliberate experiences. Go on walks, day hikes and spend more
| time outdoors.
| krangfu wrote:
| Almost always watching a screen this isn't great. Technical
| problems small but still need to fight bear. Mr Miyagi San.
| aronowb14 wrote:
| Therapy worked wonders for me.
|
| Therapists are trained to help and give you custom things to do
| based on what you need. I found one that gave me a lot of
| structured "assignments" and questions to ask myself and I've
| never felt better than I do now.
| andor wrote:
| Scrolling through online feeds is an addiction.
|
| Best thing seems to be to go cold turkey. Instead you could do
| something meditative (e.g. taking walks, sports) or something
| that allows you to enter a flow state (e.g. reading a book).
|
| Getting out of bed can be difficult, so it's best done out of
| habit and without thinking.
|
| Some pointers
|
| Anna Lembke On The Neuroscience of Addiction:
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jziP0CEgvOw
|
| Implementation intentions to form new habits:
| https://sites.google.com/site/unlvhowtolearn/implementation-...
| andor wrote:
| Oh, and one thing to keep in mind is that motivation follows
| action. Just do something (or in your case, stop doing
| something) for a while and you'll start to enjoy it.
| matthewfcarlson wrote:
| I have really trouble starting and stopping things. One
| helpful trick is just tell myself that I can work on x for
| five minutes. The other part of the truck is that you have to
| mean it. Sometimes I get on the computer to work on a side
| project, and then goof off on other stuff and some nights I'm
| working right up until bedtime.
| aristofun wrote:
| >> In February, I'll become a father and I want to be there for
| my son
|
| Have as much quality rest as you can and find the best therapist
| you can.
|
| Those are obly advices i wish someone gave mme in your situation
| granshaw wrote:
| Would you have shared with your wife that you seeked therapist
| help?
| aristofun wrote:
| In fact asked her to help me find one.
| orzig wrote:
| There is so much complexity here but I do not know where to start
| but I just want to throw in that the first few months of
| parenthood are supposed to be difficult and zombie like so don't
| get down on yourself if you make some progress in the next few
| months, then regress. Things get better after the first year and
| maybe sooner
| Labo333 wrote:
| On top of the other answers that are really helpful, I would say
| to:
|
| - take a break, go to vacation for 2 weeks
|
| - get a regular sleep schedule with 8 hours.
|
| - have a healthy diet without sugar (dopamine)
|
| - do some exercise and cleaning instead of videos and games
|
| - try L-theanine (possibly with caffeine). It helped me a ton in
| similar situations.
| HakuG wrote:
| Man, I could've written this post a few years ago. I want to
| commend you for being so brave to ask for help, that's incredibly
| hard as a step one.
|
| Here's my advice from my personal struggles, maybe it resonates:
| You need a North Star, something that helps drive the decisions
| you make. I found my North Star by realizing that similar to how
| I had my father's tendencies, my kid would have mine.
|
| I didn't want my impression on my kid to be my depression and
| lack of enjoyment for my life, which meant getting up,
| exercising, being compassionate, and doing what I loved.
|
| Waking up every day saying "Let's be a better father for little
| HakuG" is all I needed. I don't even have a kid yet, but it still
| drives a large majority of my decisions.
| mrj wrote:
| These things happen. As I have gotten older, one of the most
| important things I have learned is that productivity is not a
| straight line. It's waves for me. Sometimes I'll be very
| interested and do great work, other days.. I should spend some
| time managing Jira or something.
|
| Don't beat yourself up. You're not a machine. Address the things
| that are bringing you down by finding better replacements. Take
| time to form habits you prefer and let the rest sort itself out.
| Try to work towards small daily goals.
| dubeye wrote:
| I felt much the same before my kid was born. I would concentrate
| on enjoying what time you have left as a free man to tick off any
| bucket lists that might be tricky being tied to your kids post
| code.
| SCUSKU wrote:
| Hey man, I totally know where you're coming from. I experienced
| burnout which led to depression. Boy did it not feel good. My
| will to live was at an all time low and I was also in a bad mood,
| felt completely disinterested in doing things. I was in denial
| though, and once it got to a breaking point I was able to surpass
| my internally held stigma against seeking help.
|
| I ended up seeking a psychiatrist who put me on prozac and
| wellbutrin, and started doing weekly therapy. It helped a lot,
| and I'm doing much better these days and I am no longer on the
| medication, just doing talk therapy.
|
| For you, I would say consider seeking help from a psychiatrist,
| and just talk to them. They won't always put you on medication.
|
| But I think more importantly, you should look for a therapist
| that you like and helps you. I was fortunate to find a great one
| on my first try, but talking to my therapist just lets me air all
| my life grievances, feel heard, and helps me just let go of
| things that don't matter.
|
| It sounds like your symptoms are different than mine, so I think
| it makes sense to seek help from a professional.
|
| Best of luck, this is a great first step to seeking help though,
| best of luck OP.
| dazc wrote:
| You're smart enough to ask for help, take on board the helpful
| comments and stay engaged.
|
| Get out of the house for several hours a day, even if it is just
| walking around aimlessly, as it will give you perspective and
| clear your mind; the physical exercise won't hurt either.
|
| This is something we all go through at some stage of our lives -
| it is normal, don't fall into the trap of thinking otherwise.
| [deleted]
| cyberdata wrote:
| Get physically active. You would need a LOT of energy to be
| around your son. I wish I was fitter when I became a father. That
| would have really helped.
|
| Once you get more energy, things will fall into place. So keep
| that as your first priority.
| boruto wrote:
| It gets progressively more physically demanding, Much more if
| the baby has health or other issues.
|
| I used to get heavy migraine attacks, I could just shut myself
| in a room go to sleep and recuperate. Now I pop couple or even
| three ibuprofen to get by.
| hacksoi wrote:
| You're not being challenged in a meaningful way. Find a more
| challenging job.
| dQw4w9WgXcQ wrote:
| As someone in a "rut" recently, one of the things I realized was
| I needed to stop telling myself the story that I'm in a rut,
| because describing it as a "rut" focuses on a lot of externals I
| can't control.
|
| When you get a flat tire you can catastrophically repeat over and
| over to yourself that "I've got a flat!" and point at it and run
| circles around the car and wonder what you're going to do and
| "omg I've got a flat this is terrible", or you can start telling
| yourself the story of the actions you're taking to fix the flat:
| 1) I'm finding the jack, 2) I'm loosening the lugs 3) I've got
| the spare ready, 4) you get the idea...
|
| Reclaim your power and focus on the positive actions you are
| taking as minute as those seem in the moment. Meditate deeply on
| those, maybe even journal them daily so you force your brain to
| stare at the evidence that while you might _feel_ like you 're in
| a rut you are logically taking good steps through this rut
| experience.
|
| Btw, don't underestimate the impact of the stresses of coming
| fatherhood, you've got a lot going on unconsciously that's less a
| "rut" and more like your entire biology reconfiguring itself for
| a new daily role. You do need to make some changes, ideally make
| a list of what your brain is telling you to change, but you'll be
| OK man.
| orblivion wrote:
| I really appreciate this because it's effectively the same
| advice as the "it's on you, stop complaining, stop feeling
| sorry for yourself, etc" stuff, except it's not at all
| condescending or demeaning, and it has more specific useful
| steps. I'm no longer in the rut I was in mid-to-late pandemic
| but this seems like a useful attitude for other areas in which
| I feel stuck.
| robg wrote:
| This. Right. Here.
|
| Struggling with anxiety and depression for 20+ years, I find
| little activities help show my brain I'm not in a rut, I'm
| finding progress every day. Start with good sleep to refresh
| yourself, better nutrition to power your body, daily exercise
| to burn off stress and being mindful of the little moments.
| Having those four wheels spinning is needed for daily traction.
|
| And now as a Dad, those little activities involve making
| pancakes or pushing a swing. Hard to see the rut when your kid
| is smiling back. Prioritize that time with them, it goes fast!
| darksofa wrote:
| You need to see a psychiatrist for diagnosis and treatment. You
| are showing symptoms of depression. If you have depression, you
| can't get out of it by yourself -- you will need help.
| Fortunately, there are professionals standing by who have
| dedicated their lives to helping people just like you.
|
| There can be biological causes for low mood and energy. I'll
| mention two.
|
| The first is hypothyroidism (low thyroid). This comes on
| insidiously, with lower and lower levels over a span of years.
| Your energy gets lower and lower, slowly over time. Thyroid
| hormone is needed by every cell in your body to produce energy.
| Can be diagnosed with the TSH blood test (if above 3, suspect
| hypothyroidism).
|
| The second is low testosterone, which can also be diagnosed with
| blood tests. It also develops insidiously. Testosterone has a
| powerful effect on the brain. A hundred years ago, testosterone
| was used as a therapy for depression (it worked).
|
| Go see a doctor. You can't get out of it by yourself.
| Comevius wrote:
| Welcome to depression. You are burned out and fighting for a
| dopamine hit, hence the overindulgence. From time to time you
| become motivated to change, which too becomes a source of
| dopamine, dreaming about doing it, but never following through,
| because you never have the energy, and motivation is just as
| fleeting as the high you get from porn, games and food is.
|
| The first thing you can do for yourself is changing your
| environment, or at least your routine, to as significant degree
| as you are able to, to avoid those frequently taken pathways in
| your brain that are wired to familiar signals. Non-familiar is
| your friend. Becoming a father should be able to help with that.
| We are highly affected by context, so fixing your room and your
| appearance will also help.
|
| The second thing you can do yourself is introspection. You have
| to start to face the music, no matter how painful. You can't run
| away from your problems Shinji. To be able to deal with them, you
| have to identify them. Know thyself. This is where a psychologist
| can be helpful.
|
| The catch is that both of these takes energy, support even, so
| don't fret if you keep failing, but don't give up either,
| escapism is not the answer. I have a useful tactic for bridging
| the intention-action gap:
|
| 1. Make it easy (effort) by increasing your ability to act or
| minimizing cost. Tiny steps, worth doing badly.
|
| 2. Make it attractive (reward, incentive), increasing motivation
| by highlighting benefits.
|
| 3. Make it timely.
|
| Time and effort discounts the value of reward. We are wired to
| obtain rewards as soon as possible, spending the least amount of
| energy. The solution is to think big in the long-term, but small
| in the short-term. The cumulative effect takes care of the rest.
|
| Besides this tactic of how to act, you need a strategy (what to
| do, what not to do, how to avoid bad cumulative effects, how to
| promote good ones) and a direction (how you perceive reality,
| flexibility, self-compassion helps here, as do a psychologist).
|
| Again, don't forget, motivation is temporary. Small changes and
| improvements every day are cumulative. It still takes energy,
| support even, which is where fitness, sports, talking to the
| people in your life, making new friends can help. You can't
| always do it on your own.
| xg15 wrote:
| > _Becoming a father should be able to help with that._
|
| Gotta admit, on the first read I missed OP's announcement that
| he's about to become father already.
|
| Just for the record, do not have a child as an attempt to
| escape depression :)
| throwawaywu wrote:
| I disagree. Having a fulfilling life in service to others and
| your family drives away depression.
| drlolz wrote:
| can confirm that this is not universally true.
| jerglingu wrote:
| Bringing another life into this world is maybe one of the
| worst ways a person would try to solve depression
| esalman wrote:
| Can confirm this is not always the case, in fact you're
| likely to experience the opposite. Source: became father
| 1.5yrs ago.
|
| If you are the mother you're more likely to experience
| postpartum depression. Even fathers experience depression.
| I have had to work full time, do household chores on top of
| keeping the baby happy, who didn't sleep well at all at
| night and even now does not. You're going to miss
| deadlines, fail to meet expectations, do lousy job of your
| assignments. All of that will or will not affect you,
| physically and/or mentally.
| mynameisvlad wrote:
| Just like having a baby does not magically solve marriage
| issues, it does not magically cure the root causes of
| depression.
|
| You might be temporarily applying lipstick to a pig which
| will gain you a bit of time, but it's not like it magically
| fixes any of the underlying issues.
|
| If anything, it eventually loads _far_ more stress onto
| you, making depression and burnout worse.
| gocartStatue wrote:
| May _or may not_ drive away depression. In my case it
| helped to exploit myself more than I thought is possible.
| Which eventually turned out ok, but took a few hard years
| of burnout, escapism and delusions.
| orblivion wrote:
| Regarding the dopamine hit, I decided to cut my coffee
| consumption to once a week back in May. (Also basically quit
| Twitter, though that was both positive and negative
| stimulation, so maybe it doesn't quite apply here). I knew I
| took it as an escape from difficult parts of work. It sometimes
| worked, it helped me power through stuff in the moment, but I
| had a hunch that it somehow was holding me back in the long
| run. Good to hear a similar thing echoed here. Perhaps my
| decision is paying off now.
| Scandiravian wrote:
| I think these are good pieces of advice, though I'd also add
| reaching out to trusted friends, family, and/or partner(s) to
| tell them about the situation
|
| Something like "I think I have a depression. I want to get
| better I need support to do that. Could you help me by being a
| body double/help me clean my apartment/whatever?"
|
| Involving other people creates accountability, which can help
| with the motivation on rough days
|
| Finally, I'd also recommend seeing a mental health professional
| to determine if it's necessary to get treatment (which could be
| cognitive therapy, medication, or a mixture of both)
| vidyesh wrote:
| I am a victim of bursts of motivation and then suddenly I have
| zero energy to keep up with what I have been doing which was
| good for me. And then I slowly slip into the bad habits I
| thought I had gotten rid off and then motivation comes back and
| the vicious circle continues.
|
| I read about how important energy is, how energy management is
| key to everything. And the best way I read is to manage energy
| and not crash by the end of the day which can give that balance
| you need to keep going everyday without wavering from your
| goal(s).
|
| But I seldom read about how to replenish energy effectively or
| how to have enough energy that by the end of the day you don't
| crash but have enough energy to keep doing things you _want_ to
| do.
| Comevius wrote:
| It's because it's complicated, your energy is the product of
| your physical, mental and social environment, including your
| body and mind. It's a resource that affected by your health
| as much as you perception and abilities, and in turn all of
| these affect each other, they are interconnected, and it's
| all a big jumble. Eat right, think right, move right is all
| you can do, but if you have an underlying condition, you were
| abused as a child, or simply just live in the 21st century
| with all of it's stresses it's not that easy.
|
| At the end of the day you are just one flimsy person in this
| big pile of spaghetti, surviving the best you can, so you
| have to learn to let it go. Not entirely, not to the point of
| an accelerated decay, but to the point of not taking life and
| yourself too seriously. You have to be like water.
| vidyesh wrote:
| > _simply just live in the 21st century with all of it 's
| stresses_
|
| All the _listicles_ which talk about ways to replenish your
| energy talk about various healthy habits, and mostly
| psychological things which isn 't possible in anyone who is
| struggling in this century or rich enough to delegate tasks
| and pass on the stressors.
|
| If we cannot effectively replenish energy or manage our
| energy, I wonder where does it leave us?
|
| And it feels like with certain healthy habits you can
| maximize your energy levels per day and achieving that
| likely means you have improved your life but beyond that
| there isn't much you could do to make the most of it. So
| eventually you comprise with yourself at some point?
| soheil wrote:
| I think the key is delegation as you point out. Having to
| do things that are awful and have zero contribution
| should be avoided. For example calling a customer service
| line and jumping through 5 really stupid automated
| prompts to talk to a human being who you can barely
| understand is one of them.
| trashface wrote:
| I'm no expert, but your description of problems makes me think of
| ADHD inattentive type presentation.
| kyleyeats wrote:
| Email me (email in profile). I'm a philosopher working on
| emotional issues in tech. I can give you advice that works for
| you.
| skee8383 wrote:
| bribri wrote:
| Try waking up at as early and walking a few miles each morning.
| Has improved my mental health a ton.
|
| lifting is great but walking is so easy to get started and be
| consistent
| max_hammer wrote:
| Consult a doctor. These symptoms are similar to depression. If
| you live a area with less sunlight test Vitamin D tested.
|
| Also, becoming a father is a big change and you need to be
| mentally prepared for it and mind went into defence mode
| (depression).
|
| Something you can try at home
|
| 1. Eat more fruits and vegetables. More varied diet helps in
| Vitamin and nutrition deficiency.
|
| 2. Go out on walks.
|
| 3. Do not take media to bed. Buy a good reading lamp + physical
| book or a kindle/remarkable.
|
| 4. Put your phone in Grayscale mode.
|
| 5. Go to a vacation. Even booking a hotel in same city for a
| Weekend will give you much needed break.
| mfashby wrote:
| > Losing the ability to relax and the feeling of self-control,
| over-indulging in endless feeds of videos, games and services
| that further drain the energy that I so crave to return. To a
| point where it feels more like an addiction, with my body now
| responding with physical discomforts and a relapse of anxiety
| that I have not felt for years.
|
| This is the core problem in Stolen Focus by Johann Hari, probably
| a bunch of other books too. It's an unfair fight: you vs the
| behemoth companies that produce the addictive feeds. Worth a read
| IMO
| cloudking wrote:
| Use the digital well-being features on your phone, set time
| limits on social media apps and enable downtime options. This
| won't solve all your problems, but at least can help you be aware
| of how you're spending your time.
|
| Android: https://support.google.com/android/answer/9346420
|
| iOS: https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT208982
| swader999 wrote:
| Start lifting
| ncr100 wrote:
| For me cardio (stationary bike) 30 mins a day, every other day,
| it's Magic. I'm a different person, mood-wise.
| ctyc wrote:
| Strong second on this. It will feel like the last thing you
| want to do, but start lifting heavy stuff and be consistent.
| You will feel better, I promise.
| swader999 wrote:
| It seems flippant in retrospect but I'm going through the
| very worst life experience imaginable right now and it's the
| only thing that helps me sleep.
| jdeaton wrote:
| I've been in ruts before. Something helpful which has gotten me
| to the other side of the most recent one is telling myself
| repeatedly "I'm just in a bad time". The last word (i.e. "time")
| is really key here. It's imposing a temporal structure of
| transience on the situation. In this way, I can conceptualize the
| "end" of the "bad time" as sone (unknown) future point in time
| which is inevitably approaching, even though I'm not sure when it
| will be.
|
| The notion of a "rut", by contrast, imposes a physical structure
| on the concept (think is a person who is literally stuck in a
| ditch in the ground) which doesn't lend itself to your thinking
| of it as "inevitable" for you to ever get out of it.
| lacoolj wrote:
| Biggest change you can immediately make that will have a direct,
| positive impact - clean your apartment.
|
| Doesn't have to be the whole thing. Focus on one manageable area
| or category, like laundry, bathrooms, vacuum, etc. Knock it out,
| then choose the next most logical (just swept? now mop).
|
| Hard to get going at first, but once you start, sometimes it's
| just as hard to stop.
| nullandvoid wrote:
| I see you mention over indulging gaming. This provides one of the
| biggest dopamine hits, and if you're playing non stop everything
| else will be a bit dull (including the stuff you need to do in
| order to have a base happiness- exercise, eating well)
|
| Pasting in a previous comment I put on here (I have no
| affiliation) ---
|
| Purchase + install "cold turkey", you can set time blocks to
| play, or block months out entirely.
|
| I used to game all the time, I now block games for 2-3 months,
| have a good weekend blow out and repeat.
| _3u10 wrote:
| Pay someone to clean your apartment. Fix your relationship or end
| it.
|
| Decide you're just never doing whatever you are procrastinating
| about. Let them know you're not doing it.
|
| Take a vacation. Do nothing.
| progrus wrote:
| Walk outside every day
| pmoriarty wrote:
| Psychedelic therapy might help
| throw_away_add2 wrote:
| Waiting for my kid's due date was a slog for me too.
| stevofolife wrote:
| It's just an excuse that you've created or found for yourself.
| One is able to do something right now regardless of what happened
| in the past. Drop the excuse and you will see the light at the
| end of the tunnel.
|
| Edit: And once you see the light, don't look back. Just keep
| going. It's an adventure.
| _huayra_ wrote:
| Make good decisions when you're feeling well that make bad
| decisions when you're feeling impulsive harder. Example: buy only
| good food / no alcohol / etc when you shop; when those emotions
| well up that typically trigger going towards the bad thing to
| consume, it just doesn't exist. It's amazing how NOT hungry one
| actually is when you actually would have to do so much as
| microwave something!
|
| Show up daily, even in a small way. BJ Fogg's Tiny Habits stuff
| goes over this exhaustively, but basically it's better to go to
| the gym to do 1 minute of exercise than to not go at all, as it's
| more about building your identity than doing the actual thing
| effectively.
|
| You should consider changing your relationship with your regret,
| so you can use it as this "pointy stick to motivate yourself"
| instead of this dull, directionless pain that pervades your life.
| This book is great [0].
|
| Ask yourself "would I regret NOT doing this?" often. Would you
| regret not looking at this Orange Website, even if you feel the
| urge? Keep looking at your life through this lens to understand
| what you'll regret, and steer your ship accordingly.
|
| [0] https://www.danpink.com/the-power-of-regret/
| donkeyofd00m wrote:
| I've been here fairly recently since the heavy covid years. I've
| been making good progress out of this, but I've still got a ways
| to go
|
| The way I looked at it was that I was in a local maximum of
| wellbeing. Less than I wanted to feel, but feeling "trapped" to
| do anything about it as any deviation from the comfort zone
| required me to leave that local maximum for a bit... even if
| there were higher heights beyond it
|
| Social, romantic, career... all was just "not great but
| manageable". Good for today, but a sense of dread staying in the
| same place for years
|
| I started just getting involved in any activity to improve the
| areas important to myself of for "I always wanted to do this"
| leisure. I wanted to volenteer teaching kids math... reached out
| to my network, and I was flexible enough to pivot volenteering
| for a schoolteacher running for political office. I knew I would
| feel exhaused doing so. And, the first little while I absolutely
| was
|
| But, I find lots of truth in the quote "if you want something
| done, give it to a busy person". With small pockets for rest and
| relaxation accounted for, you'd be supprised what you can
| accomplish with your free time
|
| Once I was volenteering, it was almost uncanny how I noticed I
| started going on many more meaningful dates, good prospective job
| interviews and strengthening/growing my social circles after a
| few months. Less time, but way more accomplished than when I was
| doing nothing. It was almost like I overcame the inertia of
| staying stagnant
|
| "Oh, I have a date coming up tomorrow but I'm on the campaign
| trail now? No time to wallow or procrastinate about cleaning my
| apparment; I only have the time once I get back tonight. I'll do
| it without thinking"... that's how I noticed my prespective
| shifted durring that time
|
| Things improved from there. Since my election has been over and I
| no longer contribute to the party, I've noticed myself slipping
| back into the inertia of inaction. I'm literally on my computer
| now researching to join a comedy club and volenteer in education
| for real this time
|
| If I'd recommend anything from my annacdotal experience, just
| focus on joining some club for leisure, exercise, professional or
| "higher purpose" reasons... anything really. Some community. Even
| if it's just a weekly dog walk with a friend. Perhaps my own
| personal taste/annacdote, I found things social in nature pushed
| me further and had more accountability to not let the group down
| (i.e, a workout class with peers worked much better than a 1on1
| personal trainer). The peer support and different prespectives
| help you get out of your head/thought loops. You will be exhaused
| the first month or two. However, once you stabilize, I noticed
| that my proactivity to carve out a more meaningul and plesant
| life started to snowball
|
| I agree with all the health/hygiene comments here too. I just
| found that the "top down" approach with activity gave me the
| motivation to establish the habbit. The "bottom up" methods made
| those habbits fizzle out after a month
| audiometry wrote:
| Go on a three week video game moratorium. Get on a regular sleep
| schedule that wakes you up earlier than normal. Make task todo
| lists. Make "intentions for the week" lists. Make the items small
| grains of sand sand. Tick them off as you finish some of them. It
| won't be everything probably. Get yourself on a program of your
| choosing and it becomes a virtuous cycle.
|
| Talk to someone too. Not commiserate, which isn't helpful, but
| someone who could help or offer objective advice or just even
| understand you better after you say your piece.
| knicholes wrote:
| I just did this, and surprisingly it really did help. I started
| playing "Satisfactory." I found the little successes of
| progressing felt like when I succeeded at writing a nice clean
| function. I think the rut, for me, was caused by constantly
| changing requirements and having no feelings of success.
| Comevius wrote:
| That's why prison, large companies or just life in the 21st
| century can be so bad, humans need to be able to feel that
| they have an impact on their environment.
|
| But it works the other way around, if the game becomes the
| primary means of satisfying those needs you are going to have
| a bad time.
| profstasiak wrote:
| stop eating processed food especially ultra processed food. It
| cleared my brain fog
| jmfldn wrote:
| Sorry to hear, I've been there.
|
| First things first, do see a medical professional.
|
| Secondly. I find I have to take quite a holistic approach to my
| life to keep on an even keel. Regular moderate exercise (whatever
| you enjoy and are likely to keep up, doesn't have to be much).
| Regular sleep schedule. Get outside lots, ideally in green
| spaces. The sun and elements on your face is really important.
| Clean up the diet too. Don't go crazy here but be sensible with
| sugar, reduce alcohol intake, reduce caffeine. Up the fruit and
| veg intake.
|
| I also need a hobby or interest that really engages me. For me
| it's piano but finding something that recharges you and makes you
| feel switched on, really helps.
|
| Other things that help me are relaxation exercises, doesn't have
| to be meditation, but something of that nature. Start to gently
| train your mind to unwind, bit by bit. Low intensity yoga is also
| excellent here.
|
| Trying to foster self compassion, and compassion for those around
| you, can really dampen those low feelings for me too. Try to feel
| you are enough, you are suffering but doing your best, and we all
| share this nature. Suffering and compassion can connect you to
| others too.
|
| Obviously, this is very personal advice. It depends on the
| specific underlying causes. As someone who has to deal with low
| energy, mood and some anxiety sometimes, but not acute mental
| illness, these have been life savers for me.
| ProjectArcturis wrote:
| Don't worry about it. Once you become a father your entire life
| will be turned upside down.
| yboris wrote:
| Sorry if a bit too-much off-topic, but could we all agree as a
| society that _4DWW_ ( _Four Day Work Week_ ) would do wonders to
| address some of the issues in this post?
|
| My best wishes to you specifically. I am curious if you think a
| week or few-week vacation would give you time to address some
| challenges you otherwise can't find time for?
| SimianLogic wrote:
| I second getting some bloodwork done. I was feeling similar and
| found I had crazy low testosterone. Getting healthy is kind of
| trendy right now, but my quality of life has gone way up after a
| few months of TRT (now stopped), regular exercise, and going to
| bed earlier. (Huberman lab early podcast episodes are a good
| place to start).
| iancmceachern wrote:
| Take time off. Completely disconnect, turn your phone off. Force
| yourself to do it for a week.
| sokoloff wrote:
| If this is your first kid, I can recall the intense mix of
| happiness and "oh shit, the game just changed!" feelings when we
| were expecting our first. That seems totally normal/expected
| based on my experience.
|
| I can't give specific advice, but can say that, for me, getting
| started on some mildly unpleasant task is far more challenging
| than the reality of completing it. I can spend hours dreading a
| five minute task. Knowing that rationally and calling myself out
| on my own bullshit works for me (a lot, but not all, of the
| time).
|
| Good luck.
| mtalantikite wrote:
| First I'd say find joy in the fact that you're even acknowledging
| that you're at this point. Like all things, the situation is
| impermanent and you know that something can change if you put the
| effort in.
|
| When I was at a similar point I decided to commit myself to a
| physical practice. I didn't know what it would be, but I knew
| changing my body and my relation to it would somehow unlock
| things. It's going to look different for everyone, but for me I
| started by conquering my fear of swimming (early childhood trauma
| from drowning). I then started going to a gym, didn't love it,
| but took some strength classes and did a lot of cardio on the
| rowing machine. I then fell into an intense physical yoga
| practice of 5x week for three years, which was life changing.
| Then I found myself training Muay Thai. Just find something that
| works for you and where your body is at. As a music teacher of
| mine said to me, there's nothing wrong with being where you're
| at, just keep practicing.
|
| In the midst of all that I spent two years in therapy, during
| which time I wrote in a journal every day (based off of morning
| pages from the artist's way). It was super helpful to have an
| established physical practice while working with a therapist, as
| a lot of stuff comes up and often times the best thing to do is
| to move it physically out of your body (check out "The Body Keeps
| the Score" if you haven't yet).
|
| But, don't think too much about the whole path. Just start with a
| single commitment to something and keep walking.
| the-printer wrote:
| Look in the mirror. Lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling.
| Phone an older relative, reflect on the history of your family.
| Stare outside the window. Take a walk through the town or the
| city; people-watch; understand that mostly everyone else feels
| the exact same way that you do, they just have better ways at
| masking it; you may be suggesting masks right now in fact.
|
| Ask yourself honestly: What are the trends that characterize the
| strengths and weaknesses of my family's lineage? What are the
| cycles? How do I break them? How do I organize around a _new_ one
| that will protect my own children from how I feel? What is the
| objective for humanity, truly? Are we to merely eat, accumulate
| wealth, frolic and procreate like hares and squirrels? Protest,
| program and attempt to prolong our inevitable in-existence on
| earth?
| simonhamp wrote:
| You need a break. Nothing short of 2 whole weeks.
|
| Give your mind and body chance to have a complete switch from the
| routine.
|
| And it doesn't need to be a 'holiday' - a staycation can be far
| more relaxing than tiring, stressful, expensive travel.
|
| Be intentional about not getting dragged into
| videos/games/services - read a physical book or two, walk,
| exercise. Go on dates, call family.
| gautamdivgi wrote:
| Get a complete panel of bloodwork done. I was feeling rather
| chill, unmotivated but not depressed. Also symptoms and fatigue
| and delayed recovery from exercise. I have lower levels of
| hormones and definitely low on testosterone.
|
| Disclaimer: not a doctor, just narrating my experience. I would
| talk to your doctor and see if all is good there.
| hsn915 wrote:
| Cleanup your room. Cleanup your appearance (hair, beard, cloths,
| etc).
|
| Taking care of yourself reaffirms to your brain that you value
| yourself, and will get you moving again in the right direction.
|
| If I may "guess" what's going on:
|
| You are becoming a father but you weren't planning on it, or the
| mother is not the right person for you, but you feel obligated
| and so you have no choice?
|
| First of all, you _always_ have a choice. Do your duty, but do it
| out of your own volition, not out of fear of being seen in a
| negative light by society / parents / etc.
|
| If you must, try doing things that would upset people whom scold
| you fear. Quit your job and try to find another one or become
| independent and work contracts while building up a business.
|
| Do something that you believe in your gut is the right thing to
| do even though it will upset some people. You will feel such a
| relief. Now you can act out of your own volition.
|
| Now, do this with every aspect of life. Do what you believe is
| right. Take people's input if you must, but own the decision and
| don't be afraid of their reactions.
| tartoran wrote:
| I also sugested this but as decluttering. I've done it years
| ago, my house is now emptyish, less furniture too as well as
| less stuff in general including the digital realm as well.
| hsn915 wrote:
| Yea the biggest source of messiness is people not throwing
| out stuff they don't need. They think they "lose" something
| by throwing it out. In fact they are losing unimaginably by
| keeping garbage laying around.
| tartoran wrote:
| Absolutely. I want to add it's not even garbage in some
| cases, just too much of anything can affect our psyche.
| tux2bsd wrote:
| Make your bed as soon as you get up. (To add to your first
| sentence)
| HWR_14 wrote:
| Why on earth would I ever "make" a bed. The only reason I
| ever do it is if guests are coming over, and on their bed.
|
| I mean, unless you mean the process of putting on clean
| sheets. Obviously, I do that when I wash them (which also
| obviously isn't every day).
| angrais wrote:
| Make a bed means to move the duvet/top sheet so it covers
| the whole bed.
|
| Reasons that you'd want to do this: hygiene (air doesn't
| get where you sleep - both a good and bad thing), and
| design (looks as it should).
| HWR_14 wrote:
| Why on earth would it by hygienic to trap the sweat in
| the bed as opposed to letting things air dry? Air itself
| isn't unhygienic.
|
| Meanwhile, design is a circular argument. It only "looks
| as it should" if you think you should make the bed.
| mohave529 wrote:
| I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time right now. It's
| very admirable to that you're looking to help yourself to better
| be there for your child.
|
| I found myself in a similar situation 2 years ago, when it felt
| like the world was collapsing around me and the narrative of my
| life falling to pieces was the dominant soundtrack in my mind.
|
| There was no easy fix, but I do believe that taking up a
| mindfulness/meditation practice was what helped me to become what
| I believe is the happiest I've been ever in my life for well over
| a year now.
|
| The biggest change for me was the weakening of the feeling of the
| self as a distinct concept and the narrative attached to it. When
| that dropped away it was incredible how many habits that improved
| my quality of life just started happening. My sleep routine
| became fixed, I started exercising almost every day, and my
| friendships blossomed.
|
| It's hard to describe - but these changes seemingly arose out of
| observation rather than an act of will.
|
| Just one suggestion out of many, but I hope you find yourself
| feeling less stuck in the near future.
| beebmam wrote:
| Talk to a therapist. It will do you far better than getting
| advice from strangers.
| aaronrobinson wrote:
| Go for a run.
| srge wrote:
| Start doing meditation, 1 min per day everyday and more when you
| feel like it. Start to go at the gym. Also start small, maybe 10
| min every three days but never miss one session. Increase time
| and frequency when it's appealing to you. Stop coffee and
| alcohol. Prioritize activities that are relaxing and/or
| energizing you. Walk. Relax. Don't overthink, as thinking can not
| fix your issue.
| gilbertmpanga12 wrote:
| pkrotich wrote:
| Glad you're sharing - it helps to seek professional help too.
|
| Not trying to connect the dots - but perhaps you're anxious and
| scared about being a parent with someone you don't want to be
| with longterm and you feel conflicted? (Been there myself)
|
| I know it's hard to pinpoint source of such spirals but try your
| best to be there for your child - let that be the motivation and
| guiding star (not work) and I can assure you you'll be excited
| about life again when the focus is not on you!
|
| For starters - put together a nursery and baby proof the house. I
| can assure that alone will have your place organized and super
| clean. Take parenting class and meet others.
|
| You'll be an awesome father my dear friend and congratulations!
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