[HN Gopher] Amending Our Process: Crafting Apologies that Heal
___________________________________________________________________
Amending Our Process: Crafting Apologies that Heal
Author : newest
Score : 36 points
Date : 2022-07-27 17:13 UTC (5 hours ago)
(HTM) web link (ruthcohnmft.com)
(TXT) w3m dump (ruthcohnmft.com)
| vgel wrote:
| Great article! A lot of times articles like this fail to include
| realistic examples, which this one had a lot of.
|
| I've beaten this drum here before[1], but Dialectical Behavior
| Therapy, an evidence-based therapy program, has a framework for
| making requests of people with the acronym DEAR that can also be
| used for apologies. I think a good DEAR-apology would hit most of
| the techniques in this article:
|
| * Describe the situation: "Accept responsibility".
|
| "I didn't do X that you asked me to do, even though I knew I
| should have."
|
| * Express feelings: "Express regret"
|
| "I feel bad about it because I promised I would, and I had time
| to do it, I just didn't, and I don't have an excuse."
|
| * Ask: "Ask for forgiveness"
|
| "I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"
|
| * Reinforce: This could be restitution or repentance. I'd argue
| it's situational depending on whether it's a recurring thing
| (I'll do it in the future!) or in the past (I didn't defrost the
| chicken and ruined your dinner party, so I'll cook for the next
| one!)
|
| Anyways, DBT has a few gems[2], and DEAR is one of them. I use it
| all the time for both asking people for things and apologies.
|
| --
|
| [1] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31859266
|
| [2] Another one: panic attack or extremely anxious? Get a bowl of
| cold water and stick your head in it for around 30 seconds. Make
| sure your whole face, especially your cheeks, are submerged. You
| can use ice water or just cool water. Take a breath, and repeat
| until calm. It's based on the dive reflex and is a biological
| function, it will _always_ work.
| satisfice wrote:
| I like this article a lot. I am just concerned that it doesn't
| deal with the number one issue with apologies: the feeling that
| I've done nothing to apologize for. Substitute yourself for
| "I've" if you've offended me instead of the other way around.
|
| It's wrong to tell lies designed to manipulate people. An apology
| should never be a lie. So, someone being asked or expected to
| apologize must not turn it into an empty ritual. Doing so lights
| a fuse that will blow up the whole relationship.
|
| I have apologized for being a source of pain or irritation, for
| instance, without claiming that my behavior was actually wrong.
| Sometimes that's all I can do.
| giraffe_lady wrote:
| In my worldview this is the difference between apology and
| repentance. Both are necessary in different contexts but it's
| also important to recognize the difference and indicate at
| least to yourself which one you're doing or receiving.
|
| There are probably ways to phrase "repentance" that are less
| religiously charged but it _is_ a moral issue so this language
| works fine for me.
| UncleOxidant wrote:
| As I understand it, repentance includes apology, but also
| includes a change away from the offending behavior.
| akkartik wrote:
| That feels out of scope for OP. I've learned that there is such
| a thing as apologizing too early, when I don't actually feel
| sorry yet. I need to take some time to make sense of what
| happened and apportion responsibility in my own head for
| precisely what I caused.
|
| Once I arrive at that moment, though, OP feels like it might be
| priceless.
| etchalon wrote:
| I don't know if "I have nothing to apologize for" is the number
| one issue with apologies for most people.
| ChrisMarshallNY wrote:
| I'm pretty good at apologizing.
|
| Mostly because I get a lot of practice. :P
|
| When I worked for a Japanese company, my ability to apologize,
| sincerely, and politely, was good for my career.
|
| The Japanese respect and work with apologies. They accept it, and
| then expect you to help make it right. It is usually not brought
| up again.
|
| Americans, on the other hand, tend to take them as admissions of
| weakness, and try to pile more abuse on you. You are punished for
| apologizing, and they never let you forget it.
| oigursh wrote:
| The best managers I've seen are the ones that, following a
| failure from staff, can detect a real apology and earnest
| promise to learn and do better next time, and then never
| mentioned it again.
|
| The worst ones will detect that same apology and crowd that
| person out of their own mind with unresolved guilt, completely
| disabling them with their own emotions. Give them long enough
| and they can create monsters out of the nicest men.
___________________________________________________________________
(page generated 2022-07-27 23:01 UTC)