[HN Gopher] Ask HN: I'm 41 and still unmarried - what should I do?
___________________________________________________________________
Ask HN: I'm 41 and still unmarried - what should I do?
Since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of falling in love and
having a family of my own. By most cultural standards, according
to my male friends, I'm smart, beautiful, fit, kind, emotionally
mature and doing meaningful work in the world. Not too needy and
not a workaholic. Over the last two years I've been on over 120
dates with men I've met online - a few I met in person - in 3
different cities . I've deeply invested myself in therapy, support
groups, meditation, dating coaching, yoga and hypnotism. I've tried
bumble, tinder , Eharmony, hinge, coffee meets bagel, Thursday,
Match, speed dating as well as a few other random apps. I've asked
my friends to set me up . I tried to crowdsource a husband on
Facebook. I've read and done the exercises in Calling In the One,
Love Addiction, Datonomics, Make Your Move and If the Buddha dated.
I've listened to every episode of Girls Gotta Eat. I've gone to
CrossFit and hung out at steakhouses. I've dated every profession
you can think of from doctors to electricians and unemployed guys.
I even moved to Austin because I read that's where there was the
highest ratio of educated men to women, thereby improving my odds
of meeting a marriageable man. My time for having children is
running out. This has always been my dream and I'm willing to try
almost anything. I was raised by a single mom and I really want to
have kids with a man I love, not do it on my own. So, are there
any love hacks I could try? Please encouragement only, no
discouragement. I'm discouraged enough already.
Author : actfrench
Score : 66 points
Date : 2022-07-02 20:19 UTC (2 hours ago)
| schmookeeg wrote:
| Sorry you're going through this. That sounds trying.
|
| Was it Alaska that was described as "the odds are good, but the
| goods are odd" regarding the dating scene and overabundance of
| men? Maybe a summer in Anchorage is worth a try. You will lose
| Austin's amazing taco scene, but gain some glaciers :)
| actfrench wrote:
| Sounds great !! Know anyone with a sublet there ? :)
| metadat wrote:
| That's a hilarious quote we used to say to each other in
| college at BYU.
|
| p.s. Mormonism is the biggest sham ever. Do not recommend,
| would not do again.
| artificialLimbs wrote:
| Stop being so picky and realize no one (and by extension,
| everyone) is perfect. No one person is going to fulfill all of
| your romantic and relationship needs, and that's ok.
| actfrench wrote:
| I'm actually really open to giving people a second chance and
| getting to know them. When I have a reason that someone is not
| a fit I sanity check it with my friend. Im not the kind of
| person who dismisses agit for superficial reasons like lack of
| a college degree, socially awkward, height or slightly
| overweight. I try to be compassionate and see the good in
| people. I've endured a lot of negative treatment from men and I
| have to hope that connecting with someone im attracted to who
| is kind and honest and there for me is not too picky.
| olalonde wrote:
| Sorry to be blunt but it seems that you might just be too picky.
| The few men you found attractive may have been "out of your
| league" and just trying to hook up. They ghosted you when they
| understood you were looking for something different. And they may
| have skewed your perception of what is really attainable. Have
| you tried dating men that you would consider a bit less
| attractive? Older men? Divorced men? etc. Attraction isn't always
| instantaneous and can develop over time if you give it a chance.
| As an encouragement, you do sound intelligent and kind. Good
| luck!
| tcgmu wrote:
| This post is framed as a laundry list of the things you've tried,
| but there's no information about your interactions with the men
| you dated. So I'm curious about what prevented those 120 dates
| from progressing forward.
|
| How many different men did you go on the 120 dates with? How many
| men asked for second or third dates? Of these, how many did you
| accept? How many men did _you_ ask for a second date? Assuming
| you get a second or third date, what typically ends the
| relationship?
|
| There's really too little to go on here, but I've found a few
| common themes among other people who struggle with dating:
|
| - They overrate their value on the dating market and set their
| sights on people out of their league.
|
| - They're attracted to people who are bad fits in other ways.
| They may focus on winning over people who just aren't interested
| in them. Or they're attracted to people who have no intention of
| settling down with anyone. (EDIT: You wrote below that you set
| you're range from 30-50. That seems like a good sign that you're
| not being overly picky. Although, I would wager _most_ 30 year
| old men setting up online dates with 40 year old women are
| looking for sex and not marriage).
|
| - They spread themselves too thin, begin treating people like a
| commodity, and don't put effort into developing meaningful
| relationships, instead jumping from date to date hoping for love
| at first sight. You might be playing it like a numbers game, and
| that can be antithetical to building relationships. Online dating
| can make it worse, since it's so easy to just move on to the next
| person.
|
| Also, it's unfortunately just much harder to date at 40+. The
| people who want to be married often are married by that age.
| You'll catch people on the rebound from divorces, but they're not
| always ready to jump back into a marriage. It's not impossible,
| it's just harder.
|
| EDIT: I just thought of an online dating suggestion from my own
| experience. Use recent photos that are flattering but realistic.
| When I was in my mid-30s, I my hair began thinning and I didn't
| update my photos because I was so self-conscious. And as my hair
| loss progressed, my dates started going worse and worse. When a
| woman called me out on it, I finally updated my photos. After
| that, my dates had realistic expectations and I was no longer
| losing their trust right off the bat, and things improved
| immediately.
| rdl wrote:
| If this post itself leads to a long term relationship, marriage,
| please post again!
|
| (good luck!)
| Teslazar wrote:
| I suggest reading 'How to Not Die Alone' by Logan Ury. It's an
| excellent book that will probably answer some of your questions.
| actfrench wrote:
| Cool! I'll get it today ! Thanks for the rec!
| foobarbaz33 wrote:
| Best thing I can say is be assertive in making things happen.
| Make the first move, first contact. Opportunities pass by if you
| sit around waiting for it to happen.
|
| For guys this is natural as we are expected to take the
| initiative since teenage years.
| actfrench wrote:
| Yeah . I think I'm going to start asking more men out on the
| wild. I'm afraid of rejection, but literally I have nothing to
| lose at this stage.
| Cerium wrote:
| I'm not sure this will be at all helpful to you, but I will ahar
| a short story that had a meaningful impact on myself. I was at
| the point where I felt finding someone was hopeless (though now I
| realize I was still quite young). I was on a tour trip and spent
| a few days with a couple whom I learned found each other through
| an arraigned marriage. At first I was out off by the idea, but
| over the few days together l realized that they had something
| beautiful. They made a commitment to work together. After that I
| changed my efforts from finding a perfect match to finding
| someone I could work together with. Since then I have known my
| partner for 10 years and been married for over seven.
| 4lejandrito wrote:
| I like this story. It reminded to a video I saw the other day
| talking about how the romantic love from literature has shaped
| our expectations. I also believe finding the perfect person is
| really hard. However working on the relationship and overcoming
| difficulties is what really brings couples closer. At least I
| see it that way with my wife.
|
| https://youtu.be/sPOuIyEJnbE
| actfrench wrote:
| That's lovely
| FarhadG wrote:
| Have you considered IVF to reduce the time pressure so that you
| can make a better decision in the long run?
| actfrench wrote:
| I did get my eggs frozen :)
| logifail wrote:
| > I did get my eggs frozen
|
| Looking back, I sort of wish we'd started with the kids
| somewhat earlier (#1 was born when I was 34).
|
| Having said that, we did a load of stuff before that that we
| couldn't have done had we had kids sooner.
|
| Life has a habit of throwing curveballs. Having kids just
| adds to that, massively.
| bequanna wrote:
| It sounds like you've been trying the typical "random" dating
| approach. Meet some guy, figure out if you like each other, then
| ??? That approach has a high miss rate and doesn't work for all
| people.
|
| If you are indeed ready to find someone I would advise you to get
| pragmatic and be specific about exactly what you want.
|
| Write down exactly who you are looking for. Try to narrow to age,
| race, physical characteristics, etc. Literally, every aspect that
| is important to you. Write it down with a pen on paper. Make it
| real and get it out of your head.
|
| Then, aggressively start looking and use the criteria you've
| developed.
| xiphias2 wrote:
| You have some incongruency in what you write: you wrote that you
| are beautiful, but men ghost you after 1 night.
|
| As a man I can tell you that all my friends want to be intimate
| with a beautiful woman at least multiple times even if she has an
| unbearable personality.
|
| I'm 40 and most of my successful friends who want kids date women
| under or around 30, because that's what our urges say when we
| want more than just sex / relationship.
|
| The reality is that at this age if you really want a partner with
| a baby you probably have to marry a guy you are not attracted to
| (my suggestion for a 25 year old woman who wants to marry would
| be very different).
| metadat wrote:
| What is the point of saying this? My interpretation is this
| accuses OP of being delusional about their attractiveness or
| lying to us.
|
| How is your "observation" supposed to help?
|
| Regardless, I posit that marrying someone you're not attracted
| to is not a good idea if you want a happy and fulfilling life.
| You're going to be spending a lot, lot, lot of time with them.
| It's a recipe for resentment, which is fatal to relationships.
| xiphias2 wrote:
| OP being delusional is not an accusation, but a feedback.
|
| She can use photofeeler as well to get a rating (as a 40 year
| old successful, average looking guy I usually get about 7
| even though I'm trying to take care of myself, and I
| definitely wouldn't describe myself as handsome when I ask
| for dating advice).
|
| I'm starting to accept that I can't find a person to marry at
| this point in my life, I should have done it at 30 when I had
| the perfect partner for it, but I was immature.
| cortesoft wrote:
| Have all the rejections been from one side, or has there been a
| mix?
|
| I don't think I have a great answer. Before I met my wife, it
| felt hopeless. I had dates and girlfriends, but no one I would
| want to spend the rest of my life with. And then I met my wife at
| work, and very quickly it felt obvious that I would spend the
| rest of my life with her.
|
| I guess my point is that it isn't something you build up to,
| necessarily. It goes from "there is no way I could find a life
| partner" to "I can't imagine not being with this person" without
| much in between. It isn't like you start with someone where you
| say, "Oh, I could spend a few weeks with this person", move on to
| the one year person, before finally getting to the lifetime
| partner... it just happens.
| throwaway0223 wrote:
| > _My time for having children is running out._
|
| > _Please encouragement only, no discouragement. I'm discouraged
| enough already._
|
| IMHO, that's exactly the problem. Bear with me for a sec.
|
| Unless you find someone who has the exact same objective and
| wants to have kids asap (i.e., a more transactional
| relationship), this will always be a _major_ turn off. Your
| partner will feel pressured to make a decision quickly, and
| sooner or later will think the main thing you want is their sperm
| to have a baby. That 's a recipe for folks to back off. Even if
| you believe you're not putting pressure, I bet they can smell it
| a mile away. It has a direct impact on your mindset, your
| behavior, and self-confidence, even if you believe you're
| effective in masking it.
|
| It may sound counter intuitive, but once you stop trying "to find
| someone to marry and have kids", you may actually find someone.
|
| The first step is to start accepting yourself and your life _as
| it is_ -- and being proud of being single and having no kids. It
| is what it is. Cut the bullshit of dating coaches, hundred dates,
| dozen of books, and all the mental energy you 're wasting
| obsessing about it. Give up the serial dating, and immerse
| yourself in work, or a cause you care about, sports, gym,
| hobbies, church, or whatever suits your fancy. Sure, make new
| friends and go on dates, but not because you want to "find love
| and build a family", but because you want to have fun and enjoy
| having sex every now and then.
|
| Once you do it - _truly do it_ - you 'll be seen as more
| attractive, more powerful, successful, confident, remarkable,
| independent. You won't need anyone on your side to be the best
| version of yourself. And there's nothing more f*ing attractive
| than that.
|
| Pragmatically speaking, you've already frozen your eggs, so you
| have a plan B for later. For now, internalize that you are
| enough. Once you accept it, everything else will follow.
| spockz wrote:
| Personally, I don't believe dates work for love. For lust,
| attraction, and curiosity/discovery, sure. But love is what grows
| over time after (continuous/regular) prolonged exposure. Mostly
| out of friendship. It is also one of those things that always
| seems to rise (as a feeling) when you least expect it and aren't
| looking for it. Every couple I know met their significant other
| around study, family acquaintances, sports clubs, etc. Somewhere
| with a shared, safe(?), reason for being there out of which
| something grows.
|
| Live your life, meet people. Stop looking desperately and just
| observe.
| actfrench wrote:
| This is beautiful. (maybe minus the stop looking desperately
| part, that's hard to enact)
| xiphias2 wrote:
| There is data supporting what you write. The longer a man and
| woman has known eachother before starting dating, the less
| picky women get in regards to how physically attractive the man
| has to be according to a statistic that was looking at
| relationships.
| the_only_law wrote:
| Oddly I find that the longer I know someone, the less likely
| I am to be attracted to them in that sort of way.
| metadat wrote:
| That's actually a good thing, those feelings are a strong
| signal you probably wouldn't be a strong fit together.
| withinboredom wrote:
| In my experience, stop looking and it'll find you. I met my wife
| on the beach, basically randomly. Neither of us wanted a
| relationship at the time, we just enjoyed talking to each other
| so much. Our "first date" was to a hiking meetup, where we
| ditched everyone and broke into a park after-hours, explored
| shit, and at some point, kissed, while hiding from the park
| rangers.
|
| But seriously, just stop looking.
| viraptor wrote:
| This is not a good advice. You got lucky despite not looking -
| recognise that. A slightly better version is "make sure you're
| open to opportunities outside of explicit dating context".
| withinboredom wrote:
| All my best/favorite relationships came when explicitly not
| looking for anything. If it sounds counter-intuitive, it
| really is. Kinda like turning right on a motorcycle to go
| left. There's no harm in trying it for a couple of months, in
| the worst case, you don't meet anyone.
|
| But "bad advice?" That's pushing it.
| metadat wrote:
| This is terrible advice if "doing nothing" results in OP
| staying at home or otherwise not being in situations likely to
| intersect with new potential mates.
|
| Different things work for different people. Glad not looking
| worked out nicely for you!
| tails4e wrote:
| I get the point, but maybe that looking desperate puts people
| off, so being more relaxed could help. I recall being dismay
| that when single no one showed interest, while in a
| relationship women seems to ask me out (still rarely, but not
| 0)... Long story short I think the message is don't be too
| intense, but be honest you're looking for a relationship and
| not a hookup.
| withinboredom wrote:
| Haha, that's another bit of advice: put a wedding ring on. I
| would hardly ever get hit on until I put my wedding ring on.
| Then it was like they came out of the woodwork every weekend
| I went out. No idea if any of those would ever manifest an
| actual relationship, but could be worth trying.
| CodeWriter23 wrote:
| One of my ex-girlfriends had a list of twenty things she required
| in a mate. I met 19 of them. She left. I met an amazing woman a
| couple of years later (at 43). We're married and have an amazing
| 13 yo daughter. My ex is still single.
|
| Maybe examine your standards. And I do mean this in a
| constructive way, by way of perhaps helping to troubleshoot. The
| way you describe your experience above, you present as high-
| expectation which though not needy can be high-maintenance in a
| different way. Maybe that's true and maybe not, I don't know you.
| My point is, the presentation is important.
|
| Before the first date with my wife, we chatted for 3-1/2 hrs on
| okcupid. That we could hold a conversation that long made me
| optimistic about dating her. She chose the location for our first
| date. It was a noisy hangout bar and I could barely hear her. I
| asked for the check before she finished her food, my hope
| crushed. Why would someone choose a place like that to get to
| know someone? I'm walking to the car, dreading the ride back to
| her place when she asks if I'd like some ice cream. We went to
| Cold Stone and talked for about 5 hours.
|
| Later in our relationship, we needed our communication skills to
| work through various conflicts. Even though we have high
| consensus about parenting, we don't always see eye to eye. My
| point there, if you expect to find the perfect mate, also expect
| to be disappointed. What makes a relationship is the willingness
| to work through challenges.
| eganist wrote:
| Checklist-driven dating.
|
| Re-examining standards and re-evaluating whether every box
| needs to be ticked is a hugely important next step. I thought
| at one point that I'd met someone who "checks" all my boxes
| only to learn that we had some fundamental incompatibilities
| that kept the relationship from being fruitful for the both of
| us (in a metaphorical sense).
|
| And honestly, if I encountered a partner who's methodically
| researched dating with the goal of having kids ASAP, I'd be
| _terrified_ of getting baby-trapped. The desperation is a
| colossal turn-off.
|
| Also, since crowdsourcing is up her alley, crowdsourcing
| relationship errors might not be a bad idea when it comes to OP
| figuring out where she's going wrong.
|
| ---
|
| Then again, I run Relationship Advice on Reddit. Mild bias on
| my part.
| aloisdg wrote:
| > My time for having children is running out.
|
| Well since you worry about that, you can freeze and storage
| gametes. I don't know how hard it is in the USA.
|
| About the main subject, I can share a community on reddit
| https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/ (note that some
| people find the sub controversial)
| [deleted]
| mountainb wrote:
| You should look for men who are divorced or widowers, because 41
| is 41. I know you said "no discouragement" but perhaps that is
| one of your issues. People who lie to you to avoid hurting your
| feelings are not necessarily doing you a favor. Very few men who
| are not in the 2nd hand category or are themselves in their 50s
| or older are going to be even interested. Your other issue is
| most men who are not in those categories will feign serious
| interest just to screw you, after which you will be ignored. That
| is what a couple of my wife's friends who are in this category
| often struggle with. So, my suggestion is to restrict your search
| to second-hand men.
| metadat wrote:
| Good ideas.
|
| 41 isn't that old, and by this age there are more divorced than
| never married.
|
| If someone has never had a serious relationship by the time
| they're 33 or so, it's a red flag 100% of the time in my
| experience.
| actfrench wrote:
| Definitely ! And I'm also not opposed at all to having step
| kids. I'd love them and mother them with all my heart !
| osipov wrote:
| Let me guess -- raised by a single mom and no daddy figure when
| growing up?
| moritonal wrote:
| Whilst cruely phrased, OP has admitted they didn't have a
| father figure in another comment. Why did you guess this?
| yakak wrote:
| Another country? I.e. in your 40s, taking a company relocation
| may be the best bet?
|
| Marrying between cultures is kind of a different thing since you
| aren't seeing each other in the same sets of social layers and
| translation difficulties ultimately simplify unnecessary rituals
| that might trip up two native speakers.
|
| There are also more blunt approaches like finding an immigration
| orientated spouse and that can work if they are really on the
| same page on the lifestyle with children, etc.
| tebbers wrote:
| https://www.benorenstein.com/
|
| Might help! I remember thinking this was a cool approach.
| flitzofolov wrote:
| These are three options, there are more:
|
| Option 1: Expand the pool - learn to be turned on by and
| interested in a wider variety of people.
|
| Option 2: Convert an existing relationship, perhaps a platonic
| friendship, to a mutually beneficial partnership.
|
| Option 3: Genuinely give up, allow yourself to relieve yourself
| of any expectations, and try to become mindful of the internal
| pressures you are applying on yourself as a reaction to your own
| childhood etc.
| actfrench wrote:
| Option 2 sounds most interesting and fun. Option 3 is what
| feels most effective but also impossible to force.
|
| Option 1 I have really really done. I've dated such a huge
| variety...
| flitzofolov wrote:
| In what sense were the people you dated varied? Gender? Age?
| Class? Race? Nationality? Geography? Lifestyle?
|
| What are your expectations of your potential partner?
| generalizations wrote:
| Maybe it's time for an "Ask HN: Who's Single". I can't imagine
| there's only one person on here trying to find someone.
|
| If politics are occasionally allowed on here, maybe that would
| be, too.
| metadat wrote:
| Probably deserves its own site or app.
|
| Also, everyone is already on tinder, hinge, bumble, grindr etc.
| oneplane wrote:
| How many interactions were not online-based? I have no idea how
| much it matters in general or how much it matters to you, but I
| have had various friends have trouble meeting in one space but
| then have a lot more success in the other.
|
| Another thing might be what 'sources' for interaction you
| consider, dates/hookups/meetings vs. people you already know.
| Lots of people meet each other by proximity, like at work,
| special interest groups (like sports clubs), volunteer work,
| conferences etc. If you consider what friends you might have and
| how you got to meet and know them, the same source might be a
| place to find someone to become more than friends with.
|
| Lastly, is there a risk of forcing the issue, "looking" for
| someone to play a specific role instead of having a single
| interaction grow into more interactions, and then get to
| friendship/intimacy after that etc. Most of the long standing
| relationships around me (and my own) are based on organic growth.
| phrozenone wrote:
| That's 60 dates a year. You're talking to the next guys before
| you ever give anyone a chance.
| throw220702 wrote:
| Your experience suggests you can solve your problem in one of two
| ways: Figure out how to interest the attractive men in
| commitment; figure out how to feel attraction to someone who will
| commit.
|
| It might help to analyze what makes you feel attracted to
| someone. What were the moments, characteristics, or sensations
| that inspired you to conclude you were attracted to that 10%?
| FooBarBizBazz wrote:
| Is this real? There are some thirsty dudes around HN (who
| isn't?), and they tend to be high earners. Are you _sure_ you
| haven 't gotten to the plot twist yet where, actually, you're a
| Nigerian princess, and if only you could get a Western Union for
| $50,000, then you'd be able to resume the throne?
|
| If it is real, though, I mean, good luck?
| actfrench wrote:
| You are sweet. Sadly it's all too real. And I've gotten just
| desperate enough at this point to ask hackers for advice.
| Hopefully someone can tell me how to hack love! Thanks for the
| good luck. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face and making me
| laugh.
| logifail wrote:
| > Hopefully someone can tell me how to hack love!
|
| Have to say I had to laugh at this. I went on a bicycle ride
| with my wife this evening, just the two of us, we left all
| three kids at home ... alone :eek: House still standing when
| we returned :)
|
| Be aware that having kids is like starting an avalanche. You
| have no idea where it's going or what's going to happen. I
| really mean it.
|
| Good luck!
| ransom1538 wrote:
| "My time for having children is running out."
|
| You like dates! You may be addicted to dates [knowingly or not].
| There is nothing wrong with that.
| actfrench wrote:
| Lol. I wish I liked online dating. I find it torture and only
| force myself to do it with a great accountability partner
| hoping the odds are I'll meet someone great.
| [deleted]
| slekker wrote:
| I recommend reading "The Invisible Partners" by Sanford, it might
| give you some insights.
| actfrench wrote:
| Thank you! I will!
| claudiojulio wrote:
| Hi! You seem to be an exceptional woman. It has so many
| qualities. What man would be on your level? Powerful men don't
| care how much you earn or what position you hold. They have so
| many options that if you have a standard of beauty and femility,
| you won't attract them.
|
| Lower your requirements and expectations. Look for what you have
| in common with the men you meet. If you look for men with status
| and beauty, you will only find people who are interested in
| status and beauty.
|
| Automatically translated.
| actfrench wrote:
| This is very poetic and good food for thought. Thank you.
| [deleted]
| Youden wrote:
| Dating is only one way to find someone, it's definitely not the
| only way.
|
| I'm not American and nobody I know in a committed relationship,
| not a single one (even the Americans I know), met their partner
| through dating (where I'm defining "dating" as meeting with
| strangers or near-strangers with the intent of evaluating a
| possible romantic connection).
|
| For the most part, my own relationship and the relationships
| around me started as friendships. People encounter others
| organically, through some hobby, club, group, event with a mutual
| friend or something like that. They talk a bit, they
| (platonically) like each other, they (platonically) hang out just
| because they enjoy each other's company.
|
| Only after properly getting to know each other (think years, not
| weeks or months) is romance considered.
|
| So I'd suggest that instead of going broad but incredibly shallow
| with over a hundred meetings with strangers, try going narrow but
| deep. Try to make a few male friends that you know and feel
| comfortable with and see if you find yourself wanting more from
| any of them.
|
| Even if you don't find romance from any of them, you end up with
| more friends. They likely have friends of their own that you can
| also befriend and the cycle continues.
| prvc wrote:
| >Over the last two years I've been on over 120 dates with men
| I've met online - a few I met in person - in 3 different cities
|
| I'd aim to reduce your rate of new dates over time by changing
| your criteria for whether to go or not. There is likely a
| mismatch between them and whatever your true preferences are.
| Obvious to focus on the specificity, but my hunch is that
| sensitivity is the key. Worth considering also that the pool of
| potential mates (spanning 3 cities) is _vastly_ greater than
| almost anyone else at any time in history had access to, which
| also suggests that selection criteria are the important factor
| here.
|
| >I've read and done the exercises in Calling In the One, Love
| Addiction, Datonomics, Make Your Move and If the Buddha dated.
| I've listened to every episode of Girls Gotta Eat.
|
| Similarly, I'd also aim for quality over quantity in sources of
| advice. At a certain point, more advice will just dilute the
| concentration of good advice.
| mtklein wrote:
| Hey! I'm a guy, single, 37, also living in Austin, and I have no
| idea what I'm doing with my own love life. I read a lot of my own
| feelings in what you write. If you'd like to meet someone with no
| weirdo agenda (or at least like, not worryingly weird), get in
| touch?
|
| No pressure to respond, and I don't want to be an internet creep.
| I just thought you might like to know you're not the only one
| like us out there. You posting this here was so brave and I feel
| less alone just having read it.
| actfrench wrote:
| super let's meet! manisha[at]manisharose[dot]com :) Thank you
| for reaching out.
| abraxas wrote:
| Not sure it's a good idea to post your personal coordinates
| on a public forum on a dating thread even in this
| "obfuscated" format. You'll probably get some unwelcome
| attention or at least get spambot subscribed to "newsletters"
| and "offers" by random web scrapers.
| yrgulation wrote:
| At the very least op should ask whoever sends her an email
| to confirm that they are user "mtklein" by updating his hn
| profile about section with a random, unique, string she
| generates or something. Just to be sure they are the right
| person. Also rip her inbox.
| a_developer314 wrote:
| gosh! programmers dating!
| yrgulation wrote:
| Better safe than sorry. Likewise user "mtklein" should
| exercise caution. She may be after his carma. You'd be
| surprised to what lengths people go just to be able to
| downvote or flag others on here. o_O
|
| /jk
| mtklein wrote:
| I would of course be happy to do something like this.
| Safety first, absolutely.
|
| Also, um, can we maybe be cool here folks? This is just
| two people meeting for the first time in a funny way. I
| understand what you might read into this, but please,
| let's not?
|
| Incidentally I think it'd be kind of fun to be catfished
| for all my HN carma (karma?). Is that the number next to
| my login? I still have no idea what that means or does
| after all these years.
| metadat wrote:
| +1 Yes, safety first.
|
| We can be safe, but the world isn't safe.
| drno123 wrote:
| Good luck you two :)
| scarface74 wrote:
| I don't have any suggestions about dating in your 40s. But, I
| will say that finding men that want to become a father in their
| 40s is going to be hard. We usually already have kids are don't
| want them.
| replyingbaldguy wrote:
| Have you ever been in a relationship before this past 2y? I'm
| just curious.
|
| (My username is confusing but I'm a woman)
| actfrench wrote:
| I was in one LTR. We were so in love and he already had a kid
| from a previous marriage who I adored. But he decided he didn't
| want another one with me. So I ended it. I feared I would end
| up resenting him if I gave up my dream of kids
| meirelles wrote:
| You're not going to like it, but I think the men you usually find
| attractive are out of your league
|
| Also, unfortunately, in today's society, high value men have less
| incentive to settle down. That is sad. Someone desirable to you,
| probably is for many other girls too, and they know that
|
| You might be a great person/woman, but might have something
| turning down people as well... I can't say. We, internet
| strangers, can't help without knowing you
| actfrench wrote:
| I don't believe in the concept of out of your league or better
| or worse people . I don't think there are better or worse
| people. I've dated all kind of guys, the last one I truly loved
| most people said was way "below my league" but love doesn't
| work that way. It's about fit.
| throw220702 wrote:
| This is fascinating. Describe that fit. What is it that drew
| you to him initially? What traits differentiate him from
| others you've met?
|
| If your tastes are less aligned with typical as this suggests
| that bodes well for your prospects.
| mathattack wrote:
| My two cents, and I'm no expert...
|
| Trying too hard is unattractive and unsuccessful. Many guys get
| spooked by someone who is on a short timeline to get married.
| They're doing you the favor backing out early. This isn't an
| accomplishment that one checks off like getting into the right
| school, or running a marathon.
|
| Do things you like to do. Find your tribe. Be open to meeting
| people in that tribe as friends first.
|
| You're also in a bit of a demographic trap because men yourr age
| can date women from 25-50. Is your range that wide? If not, open
| your boundaries for what is considered acceptable (age,
| profession, already having kids, etc) if the interest and respect
| is there.
|
| Good luck!
| actfrench wrote:
| Lol actually I set my range at 30-50. It's been interesting !
| ALittleNudge wrote:
| I'm happy to chat if you like. I'm a Dating Coach -
| www.alittlenudge.com. I will say, though, that I don't allow
| people to say "still" anything. You're not still unmarried, as if
| there is only one solution. You are simply single and looking.
| This is not a contest or a race. It's your life.
| braingenious wrote:
| I have a friend that's kind of similar to how you've described
| yourself. She's in her mid thirties, and she calls me for
| dating/relationship advice and we always laugh together about how
| absurd her situation is.
|
| At the end of the day, for her, she doesn't really know _what she
| wants in a partner._ By that I don't mean she doesn't know
| whether or not she wants to get married or have kids, but more
| granular detail like "Do I need an exercise buddy?" "How
| important is it how they comport themselves at sex parties?" "Do
| I want to be involved in their family?" etc.
|
| I read your entire post and learned nearly nothing about you as
| an individual so I can't really dispense any earnest advice.
|
| I do have questions though!
|
| 1. Is there a common theme of what ends these relationships or
| stops them from maturing? If so, what?
|
| 2. What is your relationship history? e.g. have you _ever_ had a
| serious or long term relationship? If so, what happened there? If
| not, do you have any idea why that is the case?
|
| 3. Have you dated any of your male friends? In my experience, the
| absolute best way to start a healthy relationship is to start
| with a healthy friendship. This isn't a hard and fast rule, but
| companionship rocks.
| datavirtue wrote:
| How did this get through?
| webmobdev wrote:
| Look into _Arranged Marriage_ (
| https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arranged_marriage_in_the_India...
| ). Instead of dating sites, explore "matrimonial" sites like
| https://www.jeevansathi.com/ , https://shaadi.com ,
| https://www.simplymarry.com etc. as only people with an intent
| for serious relationship and marriage post on such sites.
| anon291 wrote:
| Do you have any close male friends? What is their advice? Do they
| have single male friends to introduce you to?
|
| What has gone wrong in previous dating relationships? Nothing
| stuck? Ghosted?
|
| Marriage is a game of 'good enough' not soulmates, and I think a
| lot of chagrin over the whole thing comes from this.
|
| You've come to the right forum for being given advice by a bunch
| of men. Good luck
| Barrera wrote:
| > Over the last two years I've been on over 120 dates with men
| I've met online - a few I met in person - in 3 different cities .
|
| What was wrong with them? What common patterns (if any stand
| out)? If this were a StackOverflow question about reading a file
| from Node.js, it would be customary to at least enumerate the
| output you saw after the failed attempts.
|
| But that's not here, which (a) is interesting and possibly
| important; and (b) makes it hard to say much constructive.
|
| Is it possible that you want the family more than you want the
| husband? Or that you like the idea of a husband but not any
| specific husband you could marry?
|
| > ... I was raised by a single mom and I really want to have kids
| with a man I love, not do it on my own.
|
| Stay true to that and don't let your despair drive you to
| something you (and a future child) might regret. You have a
| perspective on this that only the child of a single parent can
| understand.
|
| Kids raised by single parents have various ways to cope, and one
| of them is to become unusually independent. Maybe that has
| something to do with why there was no mention about what
| specifically was wrong with the men you dated unsuccessfully.
| Maybe you're, in fact, fine on your own. It's just that you want
| a child but being a single parent is a no-go.
|
| So here's a hack. Write yourself a letter about all the dates
| you've been on and what's stopped you from moving forward with
| each man you've dated. Be extremely specific. Anything from
| excessive nose hair to anger issues would be fair game.
|
| Then, categorize your dates. Group them according to biggest
| flaws. Maybe come up with some kind of classification system like
| "Selfish" or "Doesn't Want Kids."
|
| After collecting the data and categorizing it, what stands out?
|
| Edit: later on in the thread you note:
|
| > I found about 1 in ten attractive and then they ghosted me
| after a few dates
|
| Here are some ideas to follow up on that:
|
| 1. What was unattractive about them? If it was physical, for
| example, then an online approach is bound to lead to slim
| pickings and frustration. Be honest with yourself and if physical
| attraction is crucial, ask for a picture or stop meeting guys
| online. Whatever the case, 1/10 sounds kind of low.
|
| 2. Are you saying that the 1/10 you found attractive then
| proceeded to ghost you after a few dates? In other words, there
| has not been a single case in which you called things off after a
| man makes it past the first cut?
| tyoma wrote:
| It sounds like you are earnestly trying. This is genuinely a
| difficult problem, so please do not get discouraged. You only
| need to succeed once.
|
| A large part of the problem is that many men who wanted to be
| married are already paired off.
|
| You may have to make tradeoffs for "willing to marry and have
| children" versus other aspects of what you want in a partner.
|
| Out of all your friends who are (happily) married, could you see
| yourself with someone like their husband? If the answer is no,
| why not?
|
| Also, if you are religious, have you thought of finding someone
| via those events?
| actfrench wrote:
| This is a really good question. I think I need to look more
| deeply at my friends husbands. It's been hard for me because I
| haven't had a model for a good husband and I think this is a
| really good starting place. Thank you for a new insight !
| mlcrypto wrote:
| Dating is game theory, both people try to get someone better than
| themselves. Naturally it's impossible to find equilibrium.
| Unfortunately Satoshi Nakamoto did not find a solution to this
| problem
| proc0 wrote:
| Religion found a solution to this, although it's not a solution
| that many people like. Unfortunately religion is thought to be
| a collection of beliefs, but in practice it's largely about
| regulating sexual desires which lead to a healthy relationship
| and then a family. I'm not saying it's the only solution or
| even desirable, but that there doesn't seem to be a secular
| alternative.
| notsure357 wrote:
| What are your weaknesses? Finding someone who has the skills that
| compliment you are more important than finding someone with
| identical interests. In my opinion you would want someone to be
| independent and have their own interest and be willing to blend
| their lifestyle with yours. I'm married to an accountant and her
| technical skills and background are substantially different from
| my own. We don't have the same opinion on everything and don't
| need to be perfectly aligned to feel like we both have the
| perfect family.
| ronald_raygun wrote:
| Well, let me start by reflecting a few things back at you that
| I've noticed you said.
|
| - it sounds like you have no problem doing self work (therapy,
| meditation, working out, etc)
|
| - it sounds like you have no problem trying new strategies around
| relationships
|
| - it sounds like you have no problem getting first dates
|
| So, it seems like the main problem is taking a potential partner,
| forming a serious relationship with them, and getting to the
| marriage point. The good news is you only need to do this
| successfully once. So it sounds like the deep question you need
| to solve is, why aren't any of these attempts working out?
|
| I'd say the best advice I could offer for this is to follow up
| with people you've gone out with, and ask them why it didnt work
| out, and genuinely listen to what they say. You could say
| something like "Hey, I know it didnt work out between us, and
| that's okay. I'm seriously looking for a partner, and I've been
| struggling. Could you tell me more about what our
| interaction/relationship/date experience (pick the best term for
| the person here) looked like from your perspective? I think
| feedback you could give me would be help, and I'd be really
| appreciative"
|
| For more misc advice I'd also say
|
| - It sounds like youre spending a lot of time trying a lot of
| things and going on a lot of dates. Maybe try scaling things back
| so youre putting more effort into fewer things that have a higher
| potential. So it sounds like you have very clear relationship
| goals (marriage, kids, etc). I'd be very upfront about that
| (maybe mention it on apps, but at least on the first date 100%
| for sure). Cause like if they dont have the same goals, or are
| unsure, probably both people's time is getting wasted
|
| - Check out the youtube channel healthgamergg. Its done by a guy
| who was a former yogi, and now is a physiatrist. The content is
| very therapy related, but he talks a lot about people who have a
| hard time with relationships. I think the quality of the stuff he
| makes is extremely high, and I've gotten a lot of value from it
| personally, so maybe you might as well.
| sacrosancty wrote:
| I hope this isn't too blunt but worth confronting if it's part of
| the trouble. Have you been very promiscuous during those previous
| 3 decades? For some men, that makes you a great choice for a
| girlfriend but a no for a wife. There's cultural shaming of men
| for having this preference so you might not hear it openly
| expressed a lot but it does exist and influence their decisions.
|
| In case it doesn't work out like you hope, marriage can be a
| disaster for a lot of people, especially if you get into it out
| of desperation and tolerate minor ongoing disrespect or abuse,
| hoping it'll go away, then you can't get out because being single
| and even older seems worse than the little bit of human contact
| your spouse provides, and concern for your kids of course.
| actfrench wrote:
| No I've been very selective, not promiscuous and usually go on
| coffee dates for the first date
| brundolf wrote:
| I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm sorry for the
| quality of this reply section.
| [deleted]
| otikik wrote:
| I wish you the best luck. My advice for the children part is:
| this is deeply personal and everyone is different, for me
| personally _biological_ children would be out of the question at
| that age (esp given no current long-term partner). However
| there's other options.
|
| My sister had a 2 yo and was pregnant of 7 months when her
| husband had a sudden heart failure and passed away. It was as
| dramatic as you imagine.
|
| She rebuilt her life, eventually meeting her current partner, a
| great guy who loves has her and her two children. They are a
| happy family, he is their dad.
|
| Life throws hard balls sometimes, but it also surprises you. I
| guess my hack is "keep your eyes open, you might not get the
| limousine you wanted but you could get a tank instead, and tank
| are quite cool".
|
| I also think it would help if you mentioned something about why
| you think none of the previous 120 candidates didn't work out.
|
| Again, best of luck.
| hulitu wrote:
| Enjoy.
| The_Colonel wrote:
| > By most cultural standards, according to my male friends, I'm
| smart, beautiful, fit, kind, emotionally mature and doing
| meaningful work in the world. Not too needy and not a workaholic.
|
| Sometimes it's difficult to get an honest opinion from friends.
| There might be some turn off. It could be even something
| positive, there is AFAIK a phenomenon of men being intimidated by
| successful women.
| actfrench wrote:
| Trust me with all the coaches and support groups I've been
| through, plus my willingness to throw myself to the wolves
| about my dating life on hacker news, I'm open and have heard
| many honest opinions about myself ! And iterated on that
| feedback !
| giords wrote:
| I think that you're not looking for love but for perfection.
|
| That might be the problem, you can't find perfection.
| bsder wrote:
| A) Austin is not really a great city for somone single in their
| 40s--especially female. There's just too many young people you're
| competing against because of both the University and the "Live
| Music Scene". In addition, becasue you're in Texas, you've got a
| bunch of religious-affiliated men who will likely screen you out
| for various reasons (education, mostly). Some place like
| Pittsburgh would probably be better.
|
| B) One question you need to ask yourself is: Do you _really_ have
| your list of wants adjusted to a realistic level.
|
| I can't find the video now (we'll see if HN can pull it up :) ),
| but there was a woman (from University of Pennsylvania?
| Statistics department?) who decided that she would apply her
| statistics knowledge to dating.
|
| When she listed her desired characteristics, she calculated that
| there were a total of 3 men in all of Philadelphia who would
| match--of which 2 of them were likely married already.
|
| That was pretty eye opening to her. It doesn't take many
| characteristics before you've screened out practically everyone.
|
| After fixing that, she applied her statistics to adjusting her
| dating profile to start matching her with the people she wanted
| and was quite a bit more successful in her endeavors.
|
| Good luck.
| throwaway0asd wrote:
| Let's start with the unpleasant. You are old and female. The best
| catches, as relationship minded males, are off the game board.
| Secondly, as an old female your expectations are likely
| unrealistic compared to what's available yet simultaneously the
| more you date the more exhausted and desperate you will get.
|
| The pleasant: Since you are an older single professional you have
| money, which means you have options. You also have your
| educational and career history which should provide you an
| awareness of the world and people that younger people don't have,
| but then this assumption is only 50/50 as there are plenty of
| older people who are single because they are borderline autistic.
|
| I strongly recommend not being too reliant on dating apps to meet
| people. All old single people do this out of
| desperation/convenience, which pools the desperate people
| together. It takes more work, especially if you are low in
| extroversion, to meet real people in the real world but your odds
| are so much better. Set your expectations low, relax, and try to
| have fun with it. The best benefit of being single is the freedom
| to do things married people with kids can't, so keep trying to
| meet real people and not rush it.
| barrysteve wrote:
| Maybe the people who run the sacrament can help. A church or
| faith. I don't know anything about you really, so here's some
| knowledge.
|
| Gregory Pine, a Dominican friar does a few videos on the nature
| of marriage and it's hurdles. They are theological and
| philosophical.
|
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itLLHyVW6ek
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ds34wmpxt9I&t=768s
|
| Some random advice added on to complement his videos, if you're
| crabby like a lobster in relationships, try not to drag people
| down, bite down on their beliefs too much, or need to be needed.
| Strength in yourself to overcome that stuff helps, if it's your
| vice.
|
| Try to not be an immovable foundation for the marriage, like a
| rock. Give that foundation up to a divine connection to God, or
| something else other than your own behaviour.
|
| Move away from fighting the endless fight. If you get burnt, let
| it go, becoming a virginal undefeated combatant who can't lose,
| isn't helpful.
|
| Look for a guy who is the image of wisdom and truth to your
| eye/mind. If he sees you (you might not be able to know this) as
| the image of love or affection for the good, it's going well. Be
| a little bit reckless with the timing of pregnancy.
|
| Good luck!
| einszwei wrote:
| > Over the last two years I've been on over 120 dates
|
| That is... quite a lot. I've probably been on 10-20 over my whole
| life.
| mrtweetyhack wrote:
| [deleted]
| 202206241203 wrote:
| Maybe you are giving that "I want to be an exactly equal partner"
| vibe, rather than "I will support you (cooking, cleaning, looking
| after kids) so that you could focus on making money" vibe?
| deanmoriarty wrote:
| I am a man who dated many women casually via online dating, until
| I decided to settle down (wrote about this here:
| https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31021578), so I think I can
| bring a somewhat relevant perspective.
|
| Based on my experience, dating is absolutely a market driven by a
| typical economy of supply and demand, and the supply of "good
| enough" men who want to settle down with a woman is virtually
| unlimited for virtually any woman out there, in virtually any
| major US metro area. This means that the problem might be in
| yourself, and my guess is:
|
| - Men perceive you as "weirdo". For example, going on a first
| date and immediately stating that you are looking to have kids
| since your time is "running out" would be a red flag even to the
| most desperate men.
|
| - (I bet my money on this) You are too picky, even if you don't
| think you are, and the only men you're interested in are the ones
| who have an overwhelming abundance of choice (e.g. top 5% in
| terms of earning, looks, status), and as such are not in any
| pressure to settle down with you.
| toomuchtodo wrote:
| > Over the last two years I've been on over 120 dates with men
| I've met online - a few I met in person - in 3 different cities
| .
|
| > You are too picky, even if you don't think you are.
|
| Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough
|
| https://www.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/045...
|
| https://openlibrary.org/works/OL8109804W/Marry_him?edition=i...
|
| https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-h...
| metadat wrote:
| 120 isn't that many, it took me around that many FaceTimes and
| about 35-40 in-person dates before I found the love of my life
| during the pandemic.
|
| Some people are way too picky, it's impossible to know if
| that's the case here or not, we don't have enough information.
| bsaul wrote:
| Given the little time you have left, i'd recommend going with
| that friend that's been secretely in love with you, but you've
| only ever considered a friend.
|
| My guess is that you've built yourself a modern romantic image of
| what a couple should be (aka : two maddly in love young beautiful
| people having crazy passionate sex every night) instead of the
| traditional one (two grown ups trying to build a family against
| the constant shitstorm that life is).
|
| I'm not judgemental, as i'm almost in the same situation as you,
| except as a guy i feel i still have a bit more time (but not that
| much).
| metadat wrote:
| As a guy, on average you're actually getting more attractive as
| you age. For women, it works the opposite, which can
| understandably be very difficult for former hotties.
|
| The tables flip around 35-40 years old.
|
| Regardless, I wish you all the best and hope you find someone
| as awesome as I'm certain you are!
| JohnDeHope wrote:
| Find and join a church, they're great places to meet people. If
| you're an atheist or agnostic, you can still join a Unitarian
| church. Although at this point, picking and engaging fully in a
| religion (whichever) might not be such a bad thing to try.
|
| (Warning, possibly discouraging? ... If the original post is
| true, then you really must already have a clue about what's up.
| It seems impossible to me that you could be all that, and do all
| that, and still really have no idea why it's not working. If none
| of your friends can possibly fathom what's up, then maybe you
| need more honest friends. There's something they're not telling
| you, or that you aren't letting yourself recognize.)
| peterlondon wrote:
| Victerius wrote:
| Do you have an idea why the dates you've been on haven't led to a
| long term relationship?
| actfrench wrote:
| I did actually have one that led to a long term relationship. I
| was very very much in love but ultimately my partner did not
| want to have kids with me , primarily because of a serious
| mental health issue he needed to pay attention to, so I chose
| to end it after a year.
| actfrench wrote:
| Most of the time with the online dates, I felt one out of ten
| was somewhat attractive, so I'd give them a chance and get
| interested then the guys immediately lost interest and ghosted
| me after things got physically intimate. I think they just
| wanted sex and I wanted to wait to get to know them better.
| matheusmoreira wrote:
| > the guys immediately lost interest and ghosted me after
| things got physically intimate
|
| It's often a power game: the more leverage you have, the
| better terms you can set. Women can filter out men interested
| in casual sex by making it everything but casual: making them
| wait, increasing the effort required, increasing the dating
| costs. You mentioned going on 120+ dates so I assume you have
| a large pool of men from which you can select.
| metadat wrote:
| There is nothing wrong with waiting a bit longer to get
| intimate. Be sure to communicate clearly what you're looking
| for up front!
| [deleted]
| throwayyy wrote:
| It sounds like maybe you're being too picky.
|
| A guy who is both physically attractive and "marriageable",
| which I assume means charismatic and well-established
| financially, will have tons of options. Even if you are quite
| attractive yourself, your age will tend to rank you lower on
| his list of options--it's not fair but that's how human
| reproductive biology works.
|
| Just like a startup who can't compete with google to hire the
| very best engineers and so needs to "think outside the box"
| in considering less traditionally qualified candidates who
| nonetheless have potential, you'll probably have more success
| if you're honest with yourself about your "mating market
| value", even if it hurts the ego a bit, and look for men that
| might be lacking somehow in some areas but make up for it in
| others.
|
| It's also important to understand that most guys will sleep
| with literally any woman given the opportunity. Don't confuse
| getting a high status guy interested in sex with getting one
| interested in a relationship. The first has little bearing on
| the second. Having a high value in the casual sex market can
| cause someone to overrate their value in the monogamous
| relationship market.
|
| Sorry if some of that sounded harsh, but I think we'd all be
| better off with more honesty and realism on these topics. I
| hope you find the right person!
| elizardbeth wrote:
| To me it sounds like you're going through the moves to find
| the right guy, but you don't actually take the ideas and
| self-reflection parts to heart.
|
| Some questions: Why do you want kids? (There are basically
| two answers, either it is because you have something to give
| or because you want something. I guess you can figure out
| which mindset is healthier.)
|
| Are you actually interested in the people around you? Not
| only men, but people in general? Do you make an effort to get
| to know them? And by the same token, are you ready to
| experience intimacy? I am not (only) talking about sex, but
| about the effort it takes to open up to someone and to trust
| them.
|
| Something that can (!) happen when you grow up with a single
| parent is that the parent confides in you just as if you were
| their partner, which leads to an unhealthy dynamic
| (parentification). Since children learn relationship dynamics
| from their parents, the learning experience in this case is
| "my needs and boundaries do not matter". As the child grows
| up, this can (!) lead to a pattern where they avoid intimacy
| in order to keep their needs and boundaries.
|
| You may want to google "fear of intimacy", "attachment
| styles", "scared of commitment" and if this resonates with
| you have a look at books like "He's scared, She's scared" by
| Steven Carter and Julia Sokol and David Schnarch's books on
| intimacy (his book "Passionate Marriage" does not only deal
| with marriage but mostly with the connection between sex and
| intimacy in general).
| actfrench wrote:
| Actually, I've done an extensive amount of intensive self-
| reflection, I would definitely wager more than most
| people.... Did you see where I mentioned therapy, dating
| coaches, support groups, meditation and hypnosis ?
| peterlondon wrote:
| hnarayanan wrote:
| Might I ask what happened over these 120 dates. Is there none of
| them you find attractive or see a path to a meaningful connection
| with in time?
| actfrench wrote:
| I found about 1 in ten attractive and then they ghosted me
| after a few dates
| metadat wrote:
| Sounds like a filtering issue. Don't waste your time if you
| don't find them highly attractive.
| __s wrote:
| What do you find attractive?
|
| Are you religious?
| The_Colonel wrote:
| Were these blind dates or did you do some pre-screening?
| Because "1 in 10 dates" being attractive after pre-screen
| would seem a bit too picky.
| getflookup wrote:
| It seems you are trying too hard and also "selling the farm" in
| the process.
| actfrench wrote:
| I feel like going on dates and being pro-active about reading
| etc is better than sitting alone in my house pining for a
| boyfriend, which I did for about 5-7 years. No?
| lordnacho wrote:
| The good news is you've practiced the situation a lot and you can
| find a date easily. I guess there's no point in asking your
| friends if you managed that many on your own.
|
| 120 seems like a heck of a lot of dates, I would think most
| people find their life partner in under 20 first dates. That's
| including random hookups, for most people I've known well enough
| to tally. It's also enough of a sample that it would drown out
| any noise, meaning your average dating mistake or unattractive
| trait would not really matter, someone will bite regardless of
| whether you pick your nose or confess to a love of pineapple
| pizza.
|
| My guess is there's something about how you're proceeding with
| things that is unorthodox. Some kind of wrong vibe thing where
| either guys hit the panic button, or you hit the panic button.
| Perhaps you are anxious, that's a common hangup that can be dealt
| with once identified.
|
| From your 120 dates:
|
| - Did you keep some sort of summary of what happened?
|
| - How did you meet? Why did you want to go on the date?
|
| - Do you have specific requirements that were not met? Did they?
|
| - Did you get any feedback that wasn't a canned response (No
| chemistry/Not sure I'm ready/It's me not you/etc)? Sometimes you
| will get someone who gives you a real insight.
|
| Couple of random suggestions:
|
| - Hire a professional matchmaker. I almost did this once, ended
| up meeting my wife right before paying the guy. Seems like a good
| enough deal, you basically pay a person to find some candidates
| and go and date them.
|
| - Move to another country. London, Sydney, maybe somewhere in
| Europe if you're comfortable with the languages. You may find
| there's something odd about American dating culture that you
| won't understand until you leave it.
| drevil-v2 wrote:
| Hey I wish you the best of luck in your quest.
|
| Can you tell us a bit more about why the dates you have been on
| didn't progress further? This video might be worth a watch
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xaQP_8ydBc
| photoGrant wrote:
| Do let me know if you find a decent place in Austin to meet new
| folk, I'm also trying to do similar and just moved also (from
| Chicago/UK)
| actfrench wrote:
| Nice to meet you! Feel free to reach out if you want to be
| friends. manisha[at]manisharose[dot]com
| missedthecue wrote:
| Most people find a relationship in fewer than 120 dates. What's
| been the barrier for you?
| metadat wrote:
| One thing to note: IME it's extremely tough to connect
| emotionally with a stranger over FaceTime. Once I realized
| this, I stopped counting my 100+ FTs as real dates.
|
| My humble suggestion is to meet someone as soon as possible
| once you know you're interested (in a safe setting, ofc). This
| really cut down on churn for me.
|
| There is no replacement for real life interaction!
| actfrench wrote:
| I don't know . I think that's the problem.
| missedthecue wrote:
| You don't like the fellas you went out with? 0 for 120?
| Surely at least a few of them liked you. How many 2nd and 3rd
| dates did you have?
| actfrench wrote:
| Almost all of them asked me out again, but there were
| really compelling reasons it wasn't a fit. The ones I did
| go out with again and I really tried to stretch myself,
| usually ended up ghosting me. I think they were playing the
| field.
| baremetal wrote:
| i think there are a shortage of men who want to have a
| baby with a 41 year old woman. market dynamics.
| moralestapia wrote:
| >but there were really compelling reasons it wasn't a fit
|
| Care to elaborate?
| lulzury wrote:
| What are some of those reasons? To many here, it sounds
| like you're being too picky.
| l337 wrote:
| Obviously I don't know you and my advice might be off, but maybe
| it will help. I am also male - but I know several women who were
| at your situation, and opted to go at it alone (through a sperm
| donation) or with a non married partner (like being divorced from
| day zero), and are very happy about this decision.
|
| You really want children, and I think that you will regret it
| very much if you don't have them. You also want love - but that's
| not something that is so easy to find with so much pressure
| involved.
|
| Of course it's not ideal - but life never is. So go make these
| children. You have all of life to find love.
| 988747 wrote:
| Is it just me, or does this post look like a scam to find a rich
| guy and con him for all his money? :)
| foyerfence wrote:
| There is a solid system that I have seen work quite well in the
| workplace and a few of my colleagues relationships.
|
| https://issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html
|
| Use demographics to your advantage.
|
| An obvious example: Chinese men have to clear a very high bar to
| be marriage material because of the shortage of women. Take
| advantage of this. You could start learning a martial art popular
| in China, then do an extended trip over there to "study" that
| style. That would give you the excuse to meet thousands of men
| self selected for attractive traits and a setting for in depth
| interaction several hours a day.
|
| Hire a private researcher like gwern.org to research a source of
| unfair demographic advantage for you. I think Elisabeth from
| LessWrong is also available for arbitrary research hire but I
| don't remember her website. Maybe someone else can link?
| Centigonal wrote:
| I really, really hope this is sarcasm. The original article and
| its follow up [1] make it clear how this isn't sustainable in
| the personal relationships case (not to mention grossly
| unethical).
|
| [1] http://www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems-whittling-
| yo...
| Centigonal wrote:
| I understand your frustration. You've tried so many things
| without finding success.
|
| Chances are we can't tell you anything your therapist(s) and
| dating coach(es) haven't already - they probably have a lot more
| information about you, and are specialists in the area of
| relationships.
|
| You mention you've been on over 120 dates - that's a lot of
| dates! Were there any second dates? Why or why not?
| throwmemoney wrote:
| Watch the following
|
| https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4FF2XkzGMCg
|
| and try to understand and ask the universe for help.
| actfrench wrote:
| I definitely talk to the universe a lot but it doesn't seem to
| talk back to me very much in this particular category
| throwmemoney wrote:
| Try Vedic astrology also.
| actfrench wrote:
| Why not ?! I'm game !
| knownastron wrote:
| What has led those 120 potential partners to not work out?
|
| From what you've described here, you're quite the catch. Is it
| that belief that is leading you to have too high of standards for
| your mate?
| actfrench wrote:
| I think it's quite possible or I don't know what to look for. I
| didn't have a dad so it's hard for me to know what I like and
| don't like. That said, there are many men I've found attractive
| when the timing wasn't right so I don't know that I'm too picky
| either. Hard to say. I wish I was more discerning in seeing who
| is a good man who could be a good partner for me
| knownastron wrote:
| I see in your other posts you're saying 1 in 10 men you find
| attractive. Also that you've dated unemployed men.
|
| So maybe it isn't standards in terms of income, occupation,
| etc. that's holding you back. It seems like you're using
| attractiveness as the first filter. Which most people do when
| finding a mate. But given your age and your goals, maybe you
| should give a chance to more of those that you don't find
| meeting your attractiveness bar. Treat it like a arranged
| marriage perhaps, arranged marriages often result in
| fulfilling lasting marriages (with kids!) that I'm sure
| didn't start with outright attraction.
| contingencies wrote:
| Frankly it sounds like you are saying you left men in the
| past for "amorphous career-related" reasons but find yourself
| working at a risk-laden startup moving cities out of alleged
| insecurity with your social and romantic circumstance at the
| age of 41 with no kids, raising the woe-is-me flag on an
| internet forum. Just calling a spade a spade here.
|
| Don't underestimate the commitment of kids. Prospective
| partners know they are a forever commitment that will stress
| and strain even a well established relationship. They will
| eat time, motivation, career, and sanity for breakfast, then
| demand entertainment, transport a packed lunch. To be good
| parents you have to give up a lot and you never get it back.
| Splitting up and spitting the dummy isn't going to change
| that like it could solve arguments the past. In the event of
| success in your search, given you will thus be emotionally,
| practically and socially completely redefined as a person by
| having kids anyway, why not kiss your current self goodbye
| and release your expectations before beginning the search?
|
| Here it is: _Back-burner your career up front._
|
| Ask yourself what more are you looking for in your career?
| Are you willing to 100% ditch it for a few years starting
| tomorrow for Mr. Squintrite(tm) to have kids or are you
| expecting him to take up the slack for you while you go on a
| hormonal journey of aggressive self-redefinition with
| disrupted sleep and emotional conflict guaranteed, cynically
| to avoid timeout on a me-too life check box now that it suits
| _you_? If it 's a mix, consider how it may adjust perception
| in a mate. Any other expectations to unpack? Houses, cars,
| rings, income? Any pet baggage or toxic girlfriends in there?
| Debt, expensive spending or bad habits? Don't beat yourself
| up about it, just understand what might be a red flag for
| others. Having parents or family around helps with the strain
| of kids. You mentioned moving about. Is your mum around to
| help? Are you willing to move to be close to a partner's
| extended family?
|
| After putting work on the backburner, try something abnormal
| (eg. take up a new interest, preferably including week+
| periods away in places with great climates), and then see who
| you meet. They might be more compatible than the set you're
| meeting otherwise. If in 2-3 years it still doesn't happen,
| go back to work and embrace being kidless.
| jstx1 wrote:
| It's tricky - the more you force it, the more likely that you end
| up with the wrong person, especially when you feel like there's a
| ticking clock due to wanting to have kids.
| markus_zhang wrote:
| Keep unmarried. As a married man I can say that marriage and
| having a kid habe their own quirks and when I look back it was
| just trading A for B with A not necessarily worse than B.
| brundolf wrote:
| I'm sorry you've had that experience, but please don't over-
| project your experience on others. Marriage is a mistake for
| some, but it's a good thing for others, and the OP sounds like
| she already has a clear idea of what she wants.
| markus_zhang wrote:
| No I'm not. I'm just saying it's a possibility that OP may
| experience.
| com2kid wrote:
| Closeness comes from sheer amount of time spent together. I'm
| talking hundred+ hours just to get a new friend. Relationships
| beyond that require even more time.
|
| Random dates are not the best way to fall in love, you want
| repeated interactions. People who you hang out with socially all
| the time.
|
| This is why church/work/school have been traditional ways to find
| a partner. Lots of time spent close together talking and getting
| to know someone.
|
| Odds are you aren't going to find yourself super duper into
| someone after one date. You need to do an objective judgment to
| see if there might be potential (good personality fit, right
| stage of life, etc) and go on a 2nd and 3rd date, preferably
| longer events, a day at a water park, skiing, whatever, just
| really spent time together.
|
| Relationships can take months of interactions to blossom!
|
| Source: I used to run a startup dedicated to helping people make
| friends and build long lasting relationships (non-romantic), all
| the research out there says the same thing: time time time!
|
| Oh btw "love (lust) at first sight" is evolution's way of
| tricking us into spending _lots_ of time with one person, thereby
| allowing a deeper relationship to form. (Or not in the case of
| people who just seek new relationship energy all the time)
| HappyJoy wrote:
| Is that 120 first dates?
| actfrench wrote:
| No one out of ten I had second or third dates with
| HappyJoy wrote:
| Oh, sorry. That's rough. I got to the point where I was going
| to start invoicing dating websites for all the money I spent
| on dating (food, booze, time spent). I was in the upper
| double digits and almost gave up. I eventually just started
| giving potential partners more time. Some more than I should
| have. Eventually, I found "the one." I think it takes me time
| to build relationships I feel comfortable in. Maybe that's
| you too The rub is, time is the one thing nobody can get more
| of. Best of luck.
| actfrench wrote:
| Yes. Frankly, I really think bumble should pay me for all
| the guys I dated ;)
___________________________________________________________________
(page generated 2022-07-02 23:01 UTC)