[HN Gopher] Making friends on the internet
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Making friends on the internet
Author : jborichevskiy
Score : 75 points
Date : 2022-05-03 00:18 UTC (1 days ago)
(HTM) web link (jon.bo)
(TXT) w3m dump (jon.bo)
| rejectfinite wrote:
| Twitter?? I have more luck with Discord servers. Where people
| actually chat.
| EZ-Cheeze wrote:
| The internet should be making friends for us.
|
| Find me everyone who GETS ME. I want a thousand or more
| dt3ft wrote:
| I'd be okay with just one :)
| EZ-Cheeze wrote:
| But think about it - humans will be able to do qualitatively
| new things with thousands of friends each
|
| I was recommended The Affinities while posting about this
| before and currently have read halfway through. It explores
| that question quite well so far
| jborichevskiy wrote:
| Love your website!!
| EZ-Cheeze wrote:
| Welcome to my friend group
|
| Today's idea for it: friend group multiplayer with increasing
| numbers required to form a team - everyone continuously
| invites +1
|
| Lets all the friend groups smear and grow exponentially
| jackallis wrote:
| i would like a friend who is comfortable being vulnerable with me
| and viceversa.Idk how social media provides that.
| djhworld wrote:
| One thing I really miss about the modern web is forums.
|
| I'm in my 30s now but grew up on the web, from 1998 - so not
| exactly an old timer but enough to ride the wave of web 1.0 ->
| 2.0.
|
| I made loads of friends on forums in those days. Sadly most of
| those forums died off as time has gone by. One still exists
| though but there's only a handful of us left, it's extremely rare
| to get a new member.
|
| I know these days everyone uses Discord or Slack or whatever the
| one is the rust people use (zulip?) but chat isn't the same as
| forums.
| sneak wrote:
| I run a forum for exactly this reason. Small communities are
| the way forward.
|
| You (or anyone reading this) can find it in my profile.
| mjevans wrote:
| Some of us still use IRC. We wait for the true successor. An
| open protocol, a secure protocol. That which will subsume even
| email and provide the answer to all the problems we know.
| sebmellen wrote:
| Hey Jon! We're friends (followers-of-one-another...?) on Twitter.
| Super cool to see a post from you here. Small world!
|
| I'll take this as an opportunity to 'send that dm / email / offer
| to connect'. Going to send you a message on Twitter.
| schlagetown wrote:
| Good post, a lot rings true in my experience! Twitter is a
| uniquely good place to meet people, though it requires a lot of
| work and calibration to use successfully, and it takes practice
| to be yourself in a public broadcast medium. But I feel like
| curating a quality follows list and interacting with people you
| like online has very high ROI. And it's worth taking the
| initiative -- asking good questions, planning casual events,
| proposing ideas for collaboration -- even if not everything pans
| out, it's about increasing the surface area for serendipity,
| opening up more possible paths, planting seeds...
| jborichevskiy wrote:
| Hey Brendan!
|
| > even if not everything pans out, it's about increasing the
| surface area for serendipity, opening up more possible paths,
| planting seeds
|
| Well said. Like taking daily walks in a neighborhood, getting
| to know the rhythms of a place and bumping into whoever else
| might be wandering around. Eventually magic happens!
| kowlo wrote:
| Not sure what it's like now, but over a decade ago I made "online
| friends" on online games. Those were great times... Legend of Mir
| 2, Phantasy Star Online, Gunbound, even WoW!
| sleepycatgirl wrote:
| I am still making friends online, so Imma write my experience
| too: In MWO, I saw someone with interesting username, that was
| sole reason to start chat with them, then later got invite to
| Discord server, And there I met more people, and made like 3
| good friends,
|
| In World of Warships... It was mostly: Find clan -> Join
| discord -> Chat -> Potentially find people you vibe well with
| -> Friends
|
| So yeah... a bit of discord focus there.. But still, some
| friends I made, were over steam, via TF2 or Garry's mod, and
| considering those are still alive, definitely still possible,
|
| Tbh I still have yet to try MMO
|
| Twitter... Feels a bit different. I find someone I vibe with,
| we interact with each other, but usually... it tends to feel,
| at best, something that has to be yet a friendship, but not
| reaching friendship itself at all? Hard to tell.
| thdc wrote:
| In my opinion, the answer has always been to participate in group
| activities that cover something you're interested in, as it gives
| an easy starting point to begin a friendship. For me, it is
| either games or certain coding niches.
|
| As a non-user of Twitter, I don't think its organization is
| conducive to easily finding friends - instead of focused
| individual communities, I believe it is more free-form (?) as a
| result of "the algorithm" determining your interests. Which could
| be considered a plus because of discovery as noted in the
| article.
|
| I do see how you could extrapolate similar interests from other
| users based on their tweets or replies and bootstrap a friendship
| from that as the author mentions (kind of risky when dealing with
| anonymized opinions about controversial topics or just straight
| up lies), but it seems like much more work compared to
| participating in a group which you know already shares that
| interest.
|
| To summarize, finding friends on Twitter is kind of like shooting
| in the dark.
|
| However I initially missed the main point of the post because it
| was stuck towards the bottom after the list.
|
| > translat(ing) these (online connections) into offline
| connections.
|
| So now my question is why do you need to make your online
| connections offline? I have good friendships that are ongoing for
| years with people that I've only met online and have never felt
| the need to meet them offline. Note that I don't consider setting
| up an irl meeting online then meeting them irl as "making friends
| on the internet" unless I have been regularly interacting for a
| while already in somewhat private circumstances (like daily
| casual talk or playing games together).
| jborichevskiy wrote:
| > So now my question is why do you need to make your online
| connections offline?
|
| I don't believe it a necessity, and there are some online
| friends I probably won't be able to meet for a while, if ever.
|
| But I enjoy moving a conversation offline because no online
| interface can replicate wandering between parks in Los Angeles
| and having pizza slices together. Though interfaces can still
| allow plenty of unique forms of expression -- just vastly
| different from embodied exploration and reacting to the world
| together.
|
| > To summarize, finding friends on Twitter is kind of like
| shooting in the dark.
|
| Aptly put. Not unlike dating apps or applying to jobs or
| talking to strangers at bars. It's just one additional avenue
| for meeting people.
|
| You mention the separation between individuals getting
| algorithmically sorted and interest-based topics. In my
| experience I find twitter to be both: emergent scenes or
| corners form by a bunch of independent actors interacting with
| one another regularly, even though not all are following one
| another. The edges are fuzzy and overlapping but they have much
| more "placeness" than an endless feed, even if it is in fact
| experienced through a feed.
| codybrown wrote:
| soulful post. for all the hell/chaos of twitter, it's still the
| equivalent of OkCupid for meaningful friendships.
| avgDev wrote:
| The problem with Twitter, and other social media where people use
| their real name and photo is that in fact people are NEVER going
| to be themselves. People want to show their best to the world. I
| don't want to meet 'Yes' friends or 'always positive' friends.
| Social media is fake. There is no way around it. LinkedIn is fake
| and disgusting, looking at my feed for a second when I'm
| responding to recruiters makes me want to vomit.
|
| I have known people who were going through divorces, abusive
| relationships and major life issues, all while their social media
| feeds were showing how great everything is going.
|
| The only 'REAL" people I met online were either focused
| niche/small subreddits or gaming communities. As you build trust
| you learn more and more about their real life, good and bad.
| Growing up I met a girl who was going through chemo treatment and
| could not leave her home due to all the severe side effects. This
| was in one of the gaming communities. I really enjoyed her
| company and it really opened my eyes. Internet was/is an amazing
| place, I was able to really connect with someone who normally
| would not open up to strangers. In the end, I didn't really know
| her IRL, maybe that is why she was able to open up and be direct
| about sharing her thoughts about suffering, life and death. I
| have not been able to connect with anyone like this IRL, is it me
| that doesn't seem trustworthy or approachable?
| jfim wrote:
| > The problem with Twitter, and other social media where people
| use their real name and photo is that in fact people are NEVER
| going to be themselves. People want to show their best to the
| world.
|
| The currently trending social media app for younger generations
| is BeReal, which basically prompts everyone to take a selfie at
| the same time of the day, with a two minute timer to do so. No
| filters, and it shows the image from both cameras.
|
| It's somewhat refreshing to see people on the bus, cooking,
| laying on the couch playing video games, or doing all kinds of
| other mundane things as opposed to a perfectly manicured feed.
| It's not amenable to making new connections due to it not
| allowing messages between unconnected users, and it's not clear
| if it's just a fad, but it's a somewhat welcome change in the
| space.
| rejectfinite wrote:
| > The currently trending social media app for younger
| generations is BeReal
|
| Never heard this in my entire life.
|
| And it would just be mu computer screen and my face.
| avgDev wrote:
| SQL tables/crappy code and my sad face.
| robocat wrote:
| > I have not been able to connect with anyone like this IRL
|
| Perhaps learn to be non-judgemental, and learn to show that
| too. Social status signalling and ranking prevents most people
| from being honest. To learn how you could try: (1) to have
| friends that are non-judgemental and model your behaviour from
| them, (2) hang out in places where status is less important and
| honesty is more valued. This has worked for me, even though I
| am not a good listener and have some other social deficits.
| Note that it is very tricky to train yourself to be non-
| judgemental: our social ranking and signalling is hidden from
| ourselves in so many of our behaviours.
| Melatonic wrote:
| For years I have wanted to make a profile on some of the big
| social networks that were intentionally (for comedic purposes)
| the absolute WORST I could possibly make myself out to be. My
| profile photo could be me in a torn up 3 piece suit passed out
| in a bush - my job something ridiculously awful - etc etc
| Nuzzerino wrote:
| > The only 'REAL" people I met online were either focused
| niche/small subreddits or gaming communities.
|
| I've found gaming communities (and I've been in many) to be
| excessively toxic. You can meet good people there, but I've
| found it's not worth the headache.
| TrevorJ wrote:
| Really depends on the type of game. Niche minecraft servers
| often have great communities. Small games that aren't PVP
| focused can be great. FFXIV has some great communities as
| well. It's definitely out there, but you gotta know where to
| look.
| avgDev wrote:
| I do agree with your observation. It is generally difficult
| to find a non-toxic gaming community. This was actually a
| battlefield group, which brought a lot of older folk. In the
| 20 years of gaming (jesus, can't believe it has been that
| long). I have only found a few good communities.
| BlargMcLarg wrote:
| Some are toxic, some are cliquey, some are too established to
| do anything in. If it isn't a PvP game, odds are you missed
| the boat if you don't hop on in the first 1-2 weeks of its
| introduction (or for MMOs / games with long lifespans, a
| major patch), or you have to really stand out in something
| (skill, fanart, whatever).
|
| I like games, but the ease of getting into a community is
| nowhere near as low as some people like to sell it as.
| _Especially_ today. Even if they aren 't toxic in the obvious
| sense, it often feels like a minefield navigating these
| communities without upsetting someone, getting dogpiled or
| anything.
| Teknoman117 wrote:
| The only ones I've really been fond of are groups where the
| members are also mostly in-person friends as well. So
| everyone knows what the others are truly like.
|
| To be honest, maybe it's a terrible idea, but I do try to
| bring my "real self" to the internet and not some crafted
| personality. I never put up anything I wouldn't tell someone
| in person. I don't act different than I do in person.
| LambdaTrain wrote:
| I do not think this is a terrible idea. Games such as
| league of legends feel dramatically different when I play
| with friends in real life.
|
| One strange thing is that as my age grows my preference for
| multiplayer game changes from "competitive" to "coop".
| xboxnolifes wrote:
| Toxicity seems to correlate with size of the gaming
| community. I rarely have any issues when I join sub-groups to
| an interest, but trying to have casual conversation in a
| major subreddit/discord for a game is impossible.
| 2OEH8eoCRo0 wrote:
| I've always had a feeling that toxicity is a function of
| community size.
|
| Like in small online communities, you get to know the
| trolls and it's oddly endearing. You see their personality
| and everybody gets to know them and their trolling doesn't
| even derail discussion at that point it just makes everyone
| laugh.
|
| Truly toxic individuals can also be booted. When a
| community reaches a certain size there is just an
| unrelenting deluge of anonymous trolls and toxic
| individuals, nobody can keep up.
| unity1001 wrote:
| PVP related communities tend to be like that and there is
| little way to get around that. And I say that as a person who
| ran such communities.
|
| Try RP gaming communities. By that I don't mean that hardcore
| RP communities or anywhere you have to do actual RP. Just the
| 'RP' tag in a mmo server weeds out assholes, pricks etc and
| ensures that there is a high age average in the server. The
| Wow Eu RP server I have been playing for years keeps getting
| 'immigrants' from US servers and PVP servers all the time.
| They escape the aggressive and toxic environments by moving
| to RP servers. They don't do RP, they just play and join
| raids and other activities.
| caymanjim wrote:
| Is this really any different from other social interactions? We
| all have different selves we present to our families,
| coworkers, social club associates, exercise groups, bar
| buddies, significant others. Your comment seems to imply that
| there's a binary "real person" and "Twitter person", and it's
| never been that simple. We wear many hats and many faces. All
| social interaction is compartmentalized.
| rchaud wrote:
| The difference is in orders of magnitude. The term 'breaking
| bread" comes to mind. People have been sharing meals and
| playing games with each other since time immemorial, because
| you can see their personality shine through in real time in
| doing activities together, than you can via simple
| correspondence where people can collect their thoughts and
| put forward the personality they want to simulate online.
|
| IRL you can't fake it forever.
| jrm4 wrote:
| Takes like this sound to me like:
|
| "The problem with visiting New York City is that everyone you
| meet is fake."
|
| One case see how someone could easily come away with that
| impression, but also, it's just silly on its face. It's all
| just going to be highly dependent on "the how," and frankly,
| also luck.
| lampshades wrote:
| I miss AIM.
| jarenmf wrote:
| I made a lot of friends on IRC and internet forums a long time
| ago. It is much easier when you are anonymous and be truly
| yourself. I miss these communities nowadays and can't really find
| a replacement.
| holler wrote:
| I just did a Show HN for an anonymous public chat social site
| in dev https://sqwok.im
| nanomonkey wrote:
| I would suggest some of the decentralized (non-corporate owned)
| social platforms like Matrix, Scuttlebutt, Mastodon, Gemini,
| Hypercore (DAT/Beaker Browser).
| smoldesu wrote:
| +1 for Matrix and Mastodon, might wanna check out Libera too.
| IRC is never coming back in the way we remembered it, but
| there's still plenty of online communities that are living
| out their individual Eternal Septembers.
| zackmorris wrote:
| I wonder how VR will change this.
|
| I got into tech as a teenager in the 90s because I was such an
| introvert and it felt like a way to game the system and maybe
| meet girls or avoid having to get an actual job.
|
| Hah. Waking up every day in this bizarro world of endless
| overwork just to survive while some other geek wins it all and
| disappoints humanity has gotten stale. And even with all of this
| connectedness, people often feel more separated than ever. Like
| everything I ever wanted came to pass in a corrupted fashion.
|
| So far VR is one of the few things that I consider a tentative
| cure for depression. I think it's because shifting out of this
| reality is pretty much guaranteed to feel better than staying at
| this point. So maybe VR will end up being the internet that I
| thought this one was going to be.
| jrm4 wrote:
| I kind of feel like "roughly as much as MMORPGs slash Pokemon
| Go slash Fortnite?" I can't see how it would end up too
| differently from those.
| andrewmcwatters wrote:
| I feel like the structures engineers design in the tech world
| sort of work against making friends in some ways by emphasizing
| certain aspects of the software we use away from people. lin83's
| comment here about enforced behaviors rings true to me.
|
| My experience with the regression of social interaction enforced
| by software is the lack of server browsers in video games.
| Matchmaking is such crap. Kids don't even really get to
| experience local multiplayer, but to make things worse, you can't
| often find servers online and establish making yourself a regular
| with some people on a dedicated server much anymore.
| bluefirebrand wrote:
| At one point in time, MMOs were considered very social, since
| all interactions had to basically be done in person via
| chatting.
|
| Nowadays you just hop in the dungeon finder, get hucked in with
| some random people who may not even be from your server but
| only from your sata center, who you will never see again.
|
| The social aspect of games really has diminished.
| evocatus wrote:
| > it starts with twitter
|
| No thanks. If this is the state of socialization in an era where
| online discourse is controlled by private interests with "agile"
| ethics, and people are too afraid to socialize in real life for a
| growing number of reasons, I'll deepen my mastery of hermitage.
| lin83 wrote:
| I'm just as cynical.
|
| > I've been on the internet since I was 14 (11 years ago).
|
| The author is young. They weren't around to remember the early
| internet or life without it. Their childhood/adolescence is
| corporate controlled, algorithm driven websites like Youtube
| and Facebook. Their outlook as an "Internet native" has been
| shaped by the enforced behaviours of sites like Twitter.
| smoldesu wrote:
| Back in my day, we'd harass the people we admired on Freenode
| until they gave us their email address!
| r29vzg2 wrote:
| > attend offline events! Be adventerous Meeting in-person is
| harder but increases the intimacy and richness of
| communication. Combine an offline meetup with a walk through a
| park or a museum for maximum serendipity.
|
| Clearly you missed this part of post.
| historia_novae wrote:
| Yes, probably the saddest thing I read this week. Self-
| promotion on twatter and HN is different than forming
| friendship. The goold old days of fora was way better to make
| friends from the internet IMO. Nowadays everything seems to be
| a link aggregator which fundamentally change how people
| interact with each other.
|
| Also it may be more an academic thing, but cold emailing is a
| good way to make contact. Not necessarily friends thought it
| can happen but at least it can make projects advance, with very
| little (public) noise.
| Taylor_OD wrote:
| > The goold old days
|
| Okay. But those days are gone. So what do you expect OP and
| folks growing up today to do? Shy of time travel they cant
| live the childhood you did and experience the magical
| internet of the ~90's.
|
| Maybe their version is just as good to them as yours was to
| you?
| nanomonkey wrote:
| There are still plenty of decentralized (non-corporate
| owned) social platforms like Matrix, Scuttlebutt, Mastadon,
| Gemini to experiment with, set up for your own community or
| meet people and make friends online.
| psyc wrote:
| Those days are not gone. Forums mated with IRC and became
| Discord.
| Taylor_OD wrote:
| Uh I guess? Wasnt the point thought that companies are
| shaping the online experience more now than in the past?
| Discord may be less moderated than most (although the
| controversies section of their wiki page is longer than
| any other section) but that seems to be more of a bug
| than a feature. Eventually the big acquisition or IPO
| will come and then the moderation will follow.
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(page generated 2022-05-04 23:01 UTC)