[HN Gopher] Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost
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Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost
Been professionally developing since my teens. Was the first person
in the history of my university who was both a fulltime student and
full time employee. Exceeded in all expectations at every job.
Became the founding CTO of a start-up, put my heart and soul into
it, and we sold for low 8 figures. Started a second company with
some of the same people but directions started to diverge and I
left. I moved to a different state for another job. Became a
freelancer for a while. One of the guys who was at both start-ups
recruited me into his current company with a total comp far
exceeding what I asked for. All mortgages, car notes, and credit
cards are paid off and our investments are enough for our day-to-
day. I'm really only working for the health insurance. But I've
never been more unhappy and lost. I used to joke that I would be
dead by the time I was 40 though stopped because The Wife hated
hearing it but I do feel like I have no plan past this point. Being
in pandemic lock down during this time hasn't helped. I told my
therapist that I feel like I've hit my mid-life crisis, though not
your typical one as I'm not going out and buying a muscle car to
cruise high schools. I know I'm depressed and have been for the
majority of my life. Been in therapy for a while and tried various
pills (didn't help), TMS (somewhat helped), and thinking about
trying Ketamine. I feel like I've hit my zenith already and it's
just a slow decline from here on out. I've been dreading this day
because it's a sad reminder of that.
Author : 0414throwaway
Score : 265 points
Date : 2022-04-14 16:04 UTC (6 hours ago)
| hpkuarg wrote:
| If you don't need to work for money and are able-bodied, go build
| something with your hands. Buy a remote plot of land and build a
| cabin. Buy an inner-city plot and build an affordable house that
| you could rent out at below-market rates. Do Habitat for
| Humanity. The list is endless.
|
| That's what I would do in your boat.
| benlivengood wrote:
| I've found a lot of joy in dance. It takes a couple months of
| lessons to get passably good at it, but the combination of music,
| human connection, and physical activity is a good combination. I
| can recommend Contra Dance as a good introduction and it's where
| I started. Accepting communities willing to invest in new dancers
| (e.g. actually dancing with newcomers as part of the culture,
| rather than letting them stand on the sidelines, free lessons
| before the dance starts, etc.), often live music, good snacks
| (pre-covid).
| surfTide wrote:
| This question has been posed previously:
| https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30230620 (slightly different
| circumstances however there are parallels).
|
| Either way, my favourite answer was
| https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30231627
|
| "It helps to bear in mind that about 99.9999% of the worlds
| population have no awareness of your existence."
|
| That helped me.
|
| I then created a domain based on that comment[1] and then decided
| to create an alter ego[2] who will be my internet persona for the
| various projects I've been doing for the last couple of years.
|
| I guess that gave me a bit of a purpose.
|
| [1]=https://99.99999.fyi/ [2]=https://gregorius.rippenstein.art/
| whiddershins wrote:
| Do you have kids, and if not, have you considered it?
| maerF0x0 wrote:
| I recommend you go through an exercise I learned a few years back
| in college[3]. Get into a quiet, comfortable, but alert state
| (meditation or a cup of coffee often works) . Somewhere you can
| be undisturbed for 30-60 minutes. Get yourself a few sheets of
| paper and a pen you like. It's advised you actually hand write
| this. Maybe turn on some quiet contemplative music -- movie
| scores often work[1].
|
| Set a timer for 30-60 minutes and begin to write down every
| conceivable thing you might want to do, anything that seems cool,
| honorable, worthwhile, interesting, amazing, serene,
| invigorating, beautiful, or otherwise just iconic/archetypal of
| your interpretation of what a great life might include/entail.
| The only rules are you must not limit yourself by thinking it
| cannot be accomplished, is out of reach, or other "pragmatic"
| style self limitations, and you must not list things you think
| you ought/should do where those things are coming from a place
| that doesn't seem truly genuine to who you are -- they are
| externally informed. Try to shoot for 100 things.
|
| Ok, got your list?
|
| Now you're going to refactor it into categories. Categorize it
| into any pattern set you observe. I wont mention any here as it
| will bias your own groupings. But I really do believe patterns
| _will_ emerge if you look at it long enough. Try to distill
| themes of values and what is important to you, excites you, has
| meaning/purpose to you.
|
| After many days you may want to start to think and begin to
| pursue these things either concretely (a specific item on your
| list) or thematically (find ways to incorporate meaning to what
| you're already doing). Books about habits[2], goals can help with
| bringing them into fruition. This exercise can be used to help
| you map out things that matter, reflect on things you have done
| that you previously said would matter (gratitude), and later on
| redone to help evolve as you grow.
|
| If I find that you're stalling/procrastinating in overwhelm or
| negativity I often apply my "Next pizza" rule (I love pizza). I
| think about what might represent the next pizza in my life
| (sometimes literally, usually figuratively) and focus on getting
| there. Focus on doing the best monday through friday on the
| things that matter I can so I can get to that next pizza
| (reward).
|
| [1]: Perhaps the fountain, interstellar, or pan's labyrinth.
|
| [2]: such as atomic habits or tiny habits
|
| [3]: this exercise is similar to, but smaller than, the future
| authoring program https://www.selfauthoring.com/future-authoring
| vmception wrote:
| What I see is about the metrics of professional success. I'm not
| sure if its just the venue you are posting on (a career
| developer/startup forum) or if you truly encapsulate your life to
| these old events.
|
| > Was the first person in the history of my university who was
| both a fulltime student and full time employee.
|
| Okay? Why is that something to brag about. Like when you
| deconstruct that, is it really something to brag about? Its fine
| that you wound up having the capacity to excel in that situation,
| and have external validation that you did, but is the environment
| that pushed you into that really useful... for you?
| Congratulations on being able to provide for yourself and others.
| What are you actually interested in? What would be a better use
| of that bandwidth if a degree and professional attainment wasn't
| your goal?
|
| > I'm really only working for the health insurance.
|
| Come on. So half to 100% of the premium is paid by your employer.
| Okay. Is that really making a difference? You can likely keep the
| exact same plan without that employer and your investments should
| be able to cover that as well, if your past successes were really
| worth it (literally in this case) as described above, deep down
| you knew that right?
|
| > But I've never been more unhappy and lost.
|
| Back to my original point. Are these really the highlights of
| your life? That seems to be the primary point. You _won_ the
| career-necessity game. You beat the wage-slave level.
|
| Do you have other interests? Are you interested in having other
| interests? Sounds like you need serotonin and dopamine
| kickstarts.
|
| > I told my therapist that I feel like I've hit my mid-life
| crisis, though not your typical one as I'm not going out and
| buying a muscle car to cruise high schools.
|
| Not like other guys(tm). You're not special and your prior
| professional accomplishments have delayed you from accepting this
| earlier in life. Maybe you do need to buy the muscle car and see
| what you were missing. You might find that you like it.
| codingdave wrote:
| It sounds to me like you are defining yourself by your career.
| Maybe you need a new definition of what your life is? Find a way
| to spend time outside of work that brings meaning to your life.
| Maybe buy private health insurance and spend a year just
| exploring what there is in this world outside of the software
| industry.
|
| Also, it is OK to be lost - we all have general directions we are
| headed, but life will throw changes at you and we need to roll
| with the punches. Becoming comfortable with your life plan being
| imperfect is a wise move.
| nnoitra wrote:
| I'm 29 and lost, give advice. I feel old.
| danbmil99 wrote:
| If you're in the position financially to choose what you work on
| and not care about compensation, I have to say that's a very
| enviable place to be.
|
| You obviously have talent and drive. Your problem now is you have
| nothing to direct them towards.
|
| Perhaps you've noticed, the world is pretty fucked up right now.
| Why not get involved in something that matters? A nonprofit.
| Politics. Activism. Think a lot about what your talents could do
| to make a difference in the world if you apply them in the right
| place. It doesn't have to be a huge difference. Maybe you help a
| few families or even just one other person.
|
| Your talent, your health, your financial situation are gifts from
| the universe. Pay them back.
| wonderwonder wrote:
| Pretty much everything you have posted as an accomplishment is
| work related. Do you have kids? If so can you focus on spending
| time with them? Hobbies that are not work related? Sounds like
| you need to refocus your life on something new. Go volunteer in
| Europe to help the Ukrainians, or somewhere in the 3rd world. Or
| anything else that will give you a different perspective on life.
| You won the finance game, now go see the world.
| alar44 wrote:
| Actually, that is typical. Most people don't go out and buy
| muscle cars. They suffer quietly.
|
| That being said, welcome to mid life where you realize nothing
| matters and the points are meaningless. Have to figure the
| meaning out for yourself. There's no way around it. Best of luck.
| Clubber wrote:
| I'm coming to the realization that I spent all of my young years
| working and it kinda pisses me off. There isn't anything I can
| really do about it now and I've kinda come to grips with it. I
| had my midlife crisis in my late 30s and got into motorcycle
| riding. I realized how dangerous that really is so I got over
| that after a few years without any serious injury.
|
| I suggest finding a hobby that is hard. I like shooting. It's
| dangerous enough to be exciting and difficult enough to not
| easily master (if ever), and it's deep enough to keep my mind
| occupied. I try to go every weekend, spend an hour at the range
| and feel better on the way home. It also gives me something to
| look forward to every week. We have a few outdoor ranges in the
| area so I get fresh air and more outside time too.
|
| You can go deeper by learning how to break them completely down
| and cleaning them, making your own ammo, or even some minor
| gunsmithing. There's also a lot of categories. There is target
| shooting, speed shooting, shooting skeet/trap, long range rifle
| shooting, lots of stuff.
|
| Shooting might not be for you, but try different things and see
| if anything piques your interest.
| KhoomeiK wrote:
| Meaning comes from narrative.
|
| The most powerful narratives are the biggest narratives.
|
| Most big narratives are non-verifiable or non-empirical
| narratives, e.g. "the creator of the universe died for your sins
| out of love for you".
|
| Find the biggest narrative that satisfies your epistemological
| standards and you will also find the most meaning for yourself.
|
| Your narrative need not change how you live your life, it simply
| provides context--a bigger picture for every action you take.
|
| For me, this is darwinism.
| throwawaygo wrote:
| Find a Jungian analyst.
| muzzio wrote:
| Going to keep this short since there's so many responses:
|
| That feeling for me came about super prominently when I was
| trying to ignore other parts of my life that I didn't want to
| deal with and using work to cope. Not having something to strive
| for in your work life makes it harder to ignore the other stuff.
|
| So my advice is to really dig in and listen to the parts of
| yourself you're most scared to unbox. I don't want to get more
| specific than that, if that's what your problem is, you'll likely
| have some idea of what I'm referring to. <3
| bravura wrote:
| A lot of comments have said "stay in therapy" or "quit therapy",
| but my immediate reaction is that _maybe you have the wrong
| (ineffective) therapist and need to switch_.
|
| My spidey sense went up when you mentioned what "you told your
| therapist", full stop. I was at least expecting "what my
| therapist responded" or "what my therapist told me that didn't
| work". That really (spidey sense, no evidence really) implies
| that your therapist is having low impact.
|
| I've had half a dozen therapists in my life. What I realized is
| there's a huge difference between most therapists and good ones.
| With a typical therapist, not much happens, you phone it in and
| they don't notice or call you on it. A good therapist somehow has
| a way of listening and then catching you properly off guard at
| least once or twice a session. They can stare into your soul and
| see through your bullshit, even when you don't notice the
| bullshit you're saying. If you don't feel that incisiveness,
| perhaps it's time to start shopping for a new therapist.
|
| Therapy really is a 100x profession.
| goatkey wrote:
| Agreed wholeheartedly. I was recently listening to the podcast
| You Are Not So Smart with an interview from an author named
| Britt Frank [0]. She discusses exactly the problem with low
| value therapists and how they can actually be really harmful as
| part of a broader conversation about feeling "stuck". I really
| recommend the episode. After listening, I ordered the book, but
| haven't yet read it, so I cannot recommend the book just yet.
|
| [0]: https://youarenotsosmart.com/2022/04/05/yanss-229-britt-
| fran...
| siva7 wrote:
| This is so true. It's not easy but the quality of the therapist
| makes all the difference
| amelius wrote:
| The problem with therapists is that they never say what they
| are doing, what approach they are taking or what techniques
| they are applying. This makes them less trustworthy, imho.
| [deleted]
| kradeelav wrote:
| psychologytoday's actually a really great place to find these
| details for local therapists. specialties (trauma,
| relationships, kids, etc) and likewise training techniques
| (IFS, CBT, so on). It may have been harder pre-covid but I
| think covid's shaken up that industry quite a bit.
| comrh wrote:
| Ask them, it's common now for them to advertise their
| approach (CBT, DBT, psychoanalysis, ect)
| Kaze404 wrote:
| You can likely just ask them, but either way I saw their
| methods plainly advertised when I went looking for an online
| therapist in early 2021.
| johnfn wrote:
| This comment is extremely well written and on point.
|
| In fact, I feel like I'm having the opposite of the "HN is
| turning into Reddit" illusion, where I feel that over the last
| year or two the quality of discourse on HN has improved (!):
| more and more, well-reasoned life advice floats to the top of
| comment threads. The thread about marriage and divorce had
| similarly good insights yesterday.
|
| Either that, or I've just matured and I can appreciate it all
| more :)
| bspear wrote:
| Amen, important to try out different therapists and see whose
| style is the best for you.
|
| With that said, I think it also helps to diversify your
| portfolio of meaning. Sounds like you identify "summit" and
| "zenith" as the latest happenings in your career, but depending
| on the season of your life, there will always be different ups
| and downs.
|
| Found this article useful:
| https://every.to/superorganizers/against-ikigai
| IE6 wrote:
| also has OP explored pharmaceuticals? I did a year of prozac,
| am off now, and it completely reset me. The hole I was in and
| was incapable of climbing out of by myself is now in the rear
| view mirror.
|
| edit - I missed it in OP - but perhaps the same feedback, try
| something else? good luck OP.
| pcurve wrote:
| On average, people go through 4 therapists before they find one
| that works for them.
| narrator wrote:
| He could also try Internal Family Systems (IFS). It's way
| better than cognitive behavioral therapy, IMHO, because it's
| about understanding the parts of the psyche. This includes the
| helpful, not so helpful, and parts that make us do negative
| behaviors and coming to terms with them instead of suppressing
| them.
|
| I feel like my IFS trained therapist is actually a professional
| doing skilled work helping me explore and understand my
| personality instead of just being a rent-a-friend like my
| previous therapists.
| Trasmatta wrote:
| I'm starting to have success with IFS. It's a bit weird at
| first. But I like how it actually listens to and tries to
| understand the various parts that make up your psyche, rather
| than just convincing them that they're wrong, like in CBT. I
| find CBT exercises helpful, but at some point we need more
| than just pointing out cognitive distortions.
| hnaccount141 wrote:
| Absolutely. And even among good therapists, good fit is
| critical. Just because someone comes highly recommended by
| others doesn't mean they'll be right for you.
| beetle wrote:
| Add to the "choose your therapist" idea, the idea that maybe
| talky therapy alone might not work. Practical activities as a
| means of therapy recently helped me with my mental illness;
| specifically, doing outdoor crafts alongside other mental
| health sufferers, with day-long sessions led by professionals.
| I learned to whittle and to prune trees, and met new people,
| and conformed my life to a weekly routine. I felt a great sense
| of community, and satisfaction from the immediacy of working
| with wood. The therapy lasted eight weeks, with promise to do
| more in the future. It was very informal, with a little
| structured discussion at the start and end of each day, but no
| pressure to talk in depth about problems. The course has helped
| me more than talking with a doctor or trying CBT (cognitive
| behavioural therapy). It was a proper, medically referred
| course of therapy. I was told it's quite new. I'm in my late
| 30s, in case you're wondering. I live in the UK. I had been
| suffering depressive symptoms on top of my existing
| schizophrenia, feeling very lonely and like life had ended for
| me. The course reversed that. I recommend trying something
| practical and creative, with an immediately perceptible result
| (like whittling), and joining that community; if you haven't
| already tried. If you can access this through your doctor, then
| great.
| sharadov wrote:
| Absolutely agree, had this one therapist for my son who has
| ADHD, she would listen to all our concerns and not offer a
| single suggestion. She would just have this blank stare.
| fabioz wrote:
| My 2c: not all therapies are the same...
|
| I recommend you start with a professional that works with
| `Cognitive Therapy` (from what I've heard it's one of the more
| recent therapies and its practices are based on evidences --
| that's not the case for all therapies out there).
| thaway2839 wrote:
| I think an important part about therapy is the fact that you
| really do have to be willing to jump around a bit before you
| find a therapist who you are comfortable with.
|
| All the therapists I've come across have been excellent at what
| they do. Yet, therapy is a 2 way process, and if anything,
| demands more of the patient than it does of the therapist. So
| if things are not working out definitely try someone else.
| toshk wrote:
| This is not a problem of therapy, but a question of meaning.
|
| We need meaning in live. And for a long time religion gave
| that. But we threw that out. We now try to get "profesional
| therapy help". But it hardly has any scientific backing, and no
| one but religion has been able (even though it fails often)
| been offer te give any deeper answer to the question to "whats
| the meaning of it all".
|
| The best solutions people like Robbins or J. Peterson offer
| are: just keep running so you don't think about it.
| throwaway-02f4 wrote:
| +1 for religion.
|
| Do you have any religious affinity, @0414throwaway? What's
| your story there?
| nutherthro321 wrote:
| The problem with religion is that the vices of hypocrisy and
| selfishness are rampant in the people who claim to understand
| it. The problem with the people without religion is that they
| don't understand anything and are usually just trying to
| grift people. Both are bad for humanity, the former actually
| worse because they pervert the meaning of this beautiful
| universe and what this life could be, if only people would go
| within and find the help to get beyond their selfishness.
|
| The meaning of life is to simply be happy, but we cannot be
| happy when others are so unhappy, therefore we must live our
| lives for others' happiness. Every act of compassionate
| service to those around us causes an upwelling of happiness
| within our hearts. Only by living in a service-oriented
| society where we look after each other compassionately can we
| hope to find peace and happiness.
|
| This world teaches us that selfish greed with a callous,
| willful ignorance of the suffering of others, is the goal of
| life, but that will always -- I mean _always_ -- lead to a
| miserable, empty life, especially in this world full of woe.
|
| The journey of religion is to go within one's self and seek
| God's Will for our lives, to ask in humility to become an
| agent of others' happiness. Then you will be guided to the
| path that will take you there. Ask every day and every night
| and be thankful for what you have such that you become a
| kind, generous person.
|
| And remember that that selfish, ignorant Peterson guy
| perverted the teachings of religion for his own selfish
| enrichment and power, and that he has no peace (not without
| benzos that is). You don't want that fate. We must cultivate
| our compassion and sense of worldwide community. It is not
| only essential for our species' survival (via global warming
| and the brutal fascists all over the Earth), but for our own
| personal happiness and peace.
|
| "The Way goes in." --Rumi
| KSteffensen wrote:
| > The problem with the people without religion is that they
| don't understand anything and are usually just trying to
| grift people.
|
| It is definitely possible to be a wise, insightful,
| compassionate and moral human being without religion.
| slowroll wrote:
| Jordan Peterson doesn't say anything of the sort. "Work on
| something truly meaningful and hard." Is a direct quote.
| throwaway-02f4 wrote:
| This begs the question, what is "truly meaningful"?
|
| Does JP have a solid answer? Not that I've seen, though the
| last thing I saw was a year ago now,
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rAqVmZwqZM. Other JP has a
| pretty good answer IMO. ;)
| crawancon wrote:
| It is subjective to the creator.
|
| What is meaningful ...to you?
| Jeema101 wrote:
| >We need meaning in live. And for a long time religion gave
| that. But we threw that out.
|
| This is pretty much what Nietzsche was getting at in his
| often misunderstood quote about 'God is dead', which is
| actually part of a larger 'Parable of the Madman' - see here
| if you've never read it, it's pretty insightful IMO:
| http://www.historyguide.org/europe/madman.html
| hn_throwaway_99 wrote:
| I used to think this, but I no longer do. I'm also mid 40s.
| People say that religion gives them meaning, but I think what
| it really gives them is _community_. Especially with the
| pandemic, all of the "automatic" ways that we used to run
| into friends and acquaintances have dried up. It takes much
| more active effort now.
|
| While I'm surely projecting on to OP, I think it _is_ very
| common for very career or goal-focused folks to have good but
| perhaps not overwhelming success, then hit their mid-40s and
| think "Umm, what do I do now?" This can be especially common
| for folks that perhaps sacrificed some of their personal
| relationships in pursuit of their goals.
|
| I was very lucky in that I had a _fantastic_ therapist who
| really helped me understand the roots of my depression. Even
| then, though, after a while insight can only go so far. It 's
| very clear to me that I've neglected nurturing my friendships
| and relationships, and I think there are likely others out
| there in a similar predicament, especially on a place like
| HN. I've actually started to search for a life coach that can
| really assist with the _tactical_ side of nurturing
| friendships. That was a big missing piece from my therapy,
| which was otherwise great.
|
| On one hand it's kind of embarrassing to feel like I need to
| pay someone to say "Yes, it's been a while, you should call
| Jane", and "Did you mail your Christmas cards?", and "Did you
| send a thank you note to Bob?", and "Why don't you invite the
| Jones over for dinner?", but I've come to see it like a
| personal trainer. Most people know the basics of working out,
| but they need to pay someone to actually get them to
| exercise. On the friendship topic, for some folks this sort
| of "social knowledge" comes naturally - I've come to easily
| accept it's not natural for me and I need some assistance.
|
| As far as I've seen from studies of happiness, basically it
| all comes down to "love", it all its different forms. Modern
| society makes it much more difficult to build a true sense of
| community and friendships. I think we all just need to spend
| the effort to find it without some of the "default"
| structures that used to exist in the past.
| ohiovr wrote:
| 24 PThen said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come
| after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow
| me. 25 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and
| whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. 26 For
| what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and
| lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his
| soul?
| newaccount2021 wrote:
| rjdagost wrote:
| What I'm hearing you say, loud and clear, is that you no longer
| have a sense of a purpose in life. Drugs (legal or otherwise)
| will not fill that void for you. I do not believe that you can
| rekindle a sense of purpose just by thinking about it. I would
| advise you to try new things that sound interesting to you, and
| keep exploring until you find something you can pour your heart
| and soul into. Probably something different from, or at least not
| directly related to, tech.
| rkhassen9 wrote:
| I second this. You've out grown what used to motivate you. Done
| that, been there. Time to find what motivates you now. My guess
| is that with all of your outer success no longer doing it for
| you, the next threshold would be an inner journey and I believe
| you will know and be as driven when you find what is the way
| forward for you.
|
| Look in new places, my friend, trust your inner voice, your
| inner guidance and intuition.
| codegeek wrote:
| It seems like you have accomplished a lot and now you are in mid
| life crisis of what to do next. I would say if you have financial
| freedom already, why not do some things where you help others
| like volunteer etc ? I mean serious work and not just a weekend
| thing. We tend to live for ourselves so much that we sometimes
| forget we could give back to this world in our own ways. May be
| that will give your life some meaning ?
|
| I say this because I am myself sometimes feeling lost even though
| I haven't accomplished as much as you and one thing that puts a
| smile on my face is when I help someone else, someone who is less
| privileged than me. I am now trying to find ways to really help
| others directly (not just donating etc but doing actual work).
| arecurrence wrote:
| You're in an excellent position today. Here's my recommendation
| as a random HNer whose found success with this (We differ
| somewhat... my joke was dead by 60 :P ).
|
| 1. Spend a month visiting national parks. It's almost May which
| means Utah is PERFECT! Go to Bryce Canyon and Zion (make sure you
| cycle in the valley at Zion). Check out the eastern Utah parks
| too. Swerve down to Arizona and check out the Grand Canyon. Don't
| bring any access to work... none whatsoever.
|
| 2. You might love this so much that you want to go to Europe
| next. Assuming you're not off exploring the planet...
|
| 3. Work on software that is in a completely different business
| domain. Even contributing to open source instead of a for profit
| is a great idea but I recognize health insurance may be a problem
| for you then. Have some interest in finance? Work on investment
| tech. Have some interest in robotics? Work on drones. Do
| something tech that is nothing like you've ever done before.
|
| 4. Do you cook? If not, start cooking. I recommend highly rated
| asian stir fry sauces to start. It's just fun working a wok :) .
| Maybe give Hello Fresh or one of the other delivery services a
| try for the variety. A surprising number of people find intense
| inner happiness while getting good at cooking.
|
| 5. Report back.
| thenerdhead wrote:
| > I feel like I've hit my zenith already and it's just a slow
| decline from here on out. I've been dreading this day because
| it's a sad reminder of that.
|
| Sounds like you need to take some serious time to consider who
| you are. Not the person who accomplished these things in life,
| but the reason you were given a body and put on this planet to do
| something.
|
| I had a similar moment after I read "Man's search for meaning" by
| Frankl. That led me down a 5 year journey to better understand
| what life is all about. I explored many philosophies, practices,
| and texts to get closer to an answer. I found my "Ikigai" along
| the way as well through writing.
|
| Nobody knows what they're doing in life, but I do believe I have
| a much better understanding of what I'm doing in life because I
| put the time in to better figure out who I am.
|
| https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ikigai
| louwrentius wrote:
| I've read Man's search for meaning by Frankle although it was
| moving, his personal motivation / source of meaning (religion)
| doesn't work for those who aren't religious.
| gizajob wrote:
| Great book! Frankl can really put things into perspective. I
| can second reading this.
| tpoacher wrote:
| I may be barking completely up the wrong tree here, but the first
| thing that came to my mind here was the situation described by
| Alain de Botton in Status Anxiety: namely spending a lifetime
| pursuing goals and values belonging to OTHER people (e.g.
| parents, society, etc), rather than your own. Then you achieve
| all these goals only to realise, what now.
|
| Great book, well worth a read.
|
| As an aside (same caveat about barking and trees), perhaps you
| just need a sabbatical. If you can afford it financially, there's
| nothing wrong with it, and can help you refocus.
| atombum wrote:
| Excellent book indeed. Was monumentally influential in changing
| my perspective on the world.
| markus_zhang wrote:
| I'm far less successful than you but on the same "slow decline"
| boat.
|
| I still don't know what to do but I sent questions here and on
| reddit. What I figured out is that I need to find a different set
| of values that grow, not decline when I grow older, pass 40. I
| have yet to find anything that fits but hopefully you can find
| something soon.
|
| Good luck!
| jimiray wrote:
| I've been giving the advice for years that actually planning
| for what you'll do past retirement is as important than having
| all the money you'll need. I've seen my parents and in-laws
| struggle with mental health issues and boredom more than they
| have ran out of money. I'm refusing to do that, I found 3
| things that I really love and working on turning those into
| third careers go keep myself busy. The 3 things are teaching
| yoga, personal training for people over 50, and becoming a
| divemaster.
| markus_zhang wrote:
| Absolutely. I'm reaching 40 this year and people around me
| always get surprised when I told them I'm making plans for
| retirement. For most of them planning for retirement is just
| financial, and many of them do have a solid plan.
|
| But I'm mostly worried about the mental/spiritual part.
| encoderer wrote:
| You need pursuits to give life meaning.
|
| Build a house. Climb a mountain. Finish a triathlon. Write a
| book. Learn how to surf. Whatever. You need pursuits.
| beders wrote:
| My midlife crisis vanished once I bought a Mach-E. Not even
| kidding :)
|
| Just keep in mind that you are extremely lucky and privileged.
| Hundreds of millions of Americans would _kill_ if they could say:
|
| "All mortgages, car notes, and credit cards are paid off and our
| investments are enough for our day-to-day. I'm really only
| working for the health insurance."
|
| Maybe you want to explore charity work or helping others achieve
| what you have achieved.
|
| And, yes, the amount of energy you can pour into things will
| become lower as you age. I feel it every day having gone back to
| coding (from a CTO job) but I'm trying not to focus on it too
| much.
|
| I recently discovered Stoicism which is very helpful.
| Vekz wrote:
| You need a legacy project. Something that you can work towards as
| "your life's work" and leave it behind. The easiest route here is
| to have a child. If thats not a possibility you need something
| grander and philanthropic. Start a non profit org that helps
| people. Become a mentor and pass your knowledge on to some
| mentees.
| webmaven wrote:
| Having a kid is certainly the _default_ option, but far from
| the _easiest_ , mostly because it is rather difficult to spread
| the burden among other people who believe in your 'legacy
| project' (but if you have an extended family that can pitch in
| or you can afford to add staff to your household, that becomes
| less of barrier).
| inaparade wrote:
| I have some ketamine on order hoping it is as effective as they
| say. I'm also at an all time low, about to hit 40. This will be
| my second major round of depression in my 30's. I have bipolar
| type 2, but even managed that condition is very dicey. I found
| that resentment was a major force behind the first round.
| Disappointment dominates this wave. I have a psychiatrist, who
| prescribed me lithium which was very helpful indeed, until I quit
| it. Therapy, just having someone check in is something valuable,
| but I quit that too. I'll be clear I'm _not_ offering advice. For
| me, I escaped the first round by taking a series of high dose
| psilocybin trips. Some were very pleasant, others were like dying
| and going to hell, literally. I did some very stupid and risky
| things while under the influence. But for me personally, it
| absolutely saved my life. It really works. But you've got to
| control the environment carefully and have a babysitter. That
| lasted nearly 2 years, now I'm again in trouble. Best I not say
| more. But that's one solution I found
| whiplash451 wrote:
| In a similar situation as yours. Not a magic pill, but I found a
| couple reads very useful:
|
| A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy, by
| William B. Irvine
|
| The subtle art of not giving a f*ck, by Mark Manson (the book is
| a lot more interesting than the title suggests)
| bradfa wrote:
| If you really are financially independent (congrats!), I'd
| suggest trying to do things you WANT to do or are curious about.
| Go back to school to learn something new or different that's
| interesting, try working different kinds of jobs, volunteer with
| different types of organizations, or try new sports or
| activities. Basically, do something not-tech. Do something you're
| not currently good at and don't have 20+ years worth of opinions
| on. Do something, with your whole self, which isn't computers.
|
| It sounds like you're more financially successful than >99% of 40
| year olds. You've earned the right to try new things. Do it! But
| also, keep doing more and possibly better therapy or a different
| therapist.
| semidetached wrote:
| I had a major crash and burn a year or so into my 40s. According
| to my post-collapse thereapist this was a really predictable
| thing among single, male academics, and not all that uncommon
| amongst other academics entering their 40s as well as non-
| academics of the same age. The blind rushing forward for the sake
| of not much more than blindly rushing forward tends to start to
| get frayed at the edges due to a number of things, not the least
| of which is the inevitable ravages of age starting to invade your
| psyche. I got out of the funk via self-administered cognitive
| therapy. You just have to keep asking yourself questions about
| why you're anxious, afraid, upset, etc. about various things,
| find reasonable answers, and keep telling yourself those answers
| until you've changed how you internalize and react to such
| things. Staying busy with things you enjoy - i.e. typically NOT
| work - also helps given how busy hands and attendant busy minds
| have less time to attack themselves. Such phrases as "don't
| worry, be happy", "live for the day", "gain the wisdom to know
| what you can and can't change", etc. have become hoary,
| cringeworthy cliches, but like all cliches they do contain a
| kernel of substance. We live in accelerated times where we're in
| a mad rush to get somewhere, although we typically don't have a
| really good idea just where. The last stop on the train route is
| the same for everybody. Those who reach the end are
| differentiated by how much they enjoyed the ride, and if you're
| not enjoying the ride you really, really need to ask that mirror
| why and get some honest answers.
| beeboop wrote:
| If you're in Portland OR and want to grab a beer and chat, I'm
| down. I promise I'm not as big of an asshole in person as my
| comment history suggests. I'm not offering because I think it
| will fix anything, more just to get your mind off things.
| rootusrootus wrote:
| At least you have the money part figured out, LOL. I'm a couple
| years short of 50 and feeling an increasing dread that I won't be
| in a position to do anything interesting in the future, and that
| I haven't tried hard enough to have a lucrative career so I don't
| have enough banked to retire yet.
|
| Can't tell you what you should do. I'm going to grind leetcode
| (the blind 75!) and brush up on systems design diagrams and see
| if I can convince one of the high-paying tech companies that I
| still have the mojo. I still enjoy slinging code, but I want to
| be able to "retire" before 60 and do it on my own terms, along
| with other hobbies that are mildly expensive.
| quantified wrote:
| Life is, or can be, about much more than work. You could be at
| mid-life crisis, it's real and you're exactly the right age.
|
| Exercise, make sure your needs (quality time, intellectual
| engagement, emotional connections, nutritional, family quality)
| are being addressed. If you're burnt out, take time for you. As
| codegeek wrote, consider volunteering. Making a meaningful
| difference, even small ways, to others is way more important than
| making bank once you're adequately set.
|
| If you can live a reasonable quality life without employment for
| the rest of your days, you've hit the lottery. Be totally
| psyched, and use your freedom. Wish I was in your shoes.
| 0xbadcafebee wrote:
| Well you definitely do sound like you have depression, and I'm
| glad you're seeking treatment. Personally I'd be interested in
| trying one of the newer experimental treatments like mushrooms.
| Don't discount the pills, though, it can take a while to find
| something that evens you out.
|
| > it's just a slow decline from here on out
|
| The moment you're born is the moment you start dying. From the
| greatest king to the lowest begger, we all just fart around doing
| meaningless human things until we punch the final clock. So
| what's the point? Why go on? Why do anything?
|
| You have to give yourself a reason to live. It doesn't have to be
| an accomplishment or a goal. It can just be that you like
| flowers. Seeing flowers, smelling flowers, touching them, maybe
| growing them, learning more about them. You can live just because
| occasionally you get to enjoy flowers. When you're not doing
| that, you can find another thing to enjoy. One thing, then
| another, then another. Each for just a moment at a time. Life's a
| stroll down a trail of moments. You pick one up, enjoy it, put it
| down, and continue the stroll. And the cool thing is, you decide
| where the trail leads, how fast you go, how many moments there
| are. You can go at a snail's pace or a flat-out run.
|
| Personally, I enjoy the slow pace now. Just sitting and watching
| a bird outside my window is pretty fucking magical. If I want to
| see more birds? Bird feeder! Or I can move somewhere with more
| birds. Or go take a nature walk. It's not immediate, and I can't
| force the birds to appear. But when it happens... Until the next
| time the birds come out, I do the next thing that brings me joy.
| Just stringing moments together. No point. No final destination.
| Just taking a stroll, picking up happy moments along the way.
| pcurve wrote:
| Hello fello 1978 (or 1977).
|
| I don't know much about you, so it's not appropriate to tell you
| what to do.
|
| Speaking from my own experience, I've prioritized work over just
| about everything else.
|
| And I regret it.
|
| I'm lost now because I haven't had enough 'life inputs' along the
| way to help me understand how I should live life. How I should
| spend time.
|
| But in the past two years, I've come to term that I don't want to
| work forever.
|
| So I started imagining my life after 45... starting with where I
| want to live. And it's not the U.S.A. Then I'm going to figure it
| out from there.
|
| I've learned that I cannot "Agile" "Incrementally improve" my out
| of things.
|
| I need a bigger external shock.
| josephcurwin wrote:
| read this book, it changed my life, maybe yours too
| https://www.amazon.com/Letting-David-Hawkins-M-D-Ph-D/dp/140...
| synthmeat wrote:
| All you've listed is the things you did for yourself. If that's
| all you did - do for the others. It might be more fulfilling than
| you think.
| msie wrote:
| Glad to hear that you are seeking help. Just remember that other
| people out there have got it worse. So if you do nothing but
| enjoy each day, that's a victory.
| ajmurmann wrote:
| Interesting. I've found that reminding myself that others have
| it worse won't make me feel any better but add some amount of
| guilt on top
| tint2309dk wrote:
| Find God...
|
| I'm going out on a limb and will guess you don't have kids and
| your not religious... tell me if I'm wrong.
|
| You need purpose. you're the first year pro quarterback who wins
| the Super Bowl. You peaked too soon. What's left?
|
| We're not designed to be fulfilled through material riches. Your
| satisfaction in your work has run its course and you still have
| an emptiness inside you can't fill.
|
| Having children gives you a natural purpose and a connection to
| the future. You have the means, ability, and education to be able
| to raise them well. It's not too late. Do it.
|
| And... Find God. This life is more than success in a career.
| You're feeling that now... No amount of therapy or pills will
| fill that void...
| Loeffelmann wrote:
| What does find God really mean? Just start believing in
| something I don't believe in? How does having found God fill
| your life with purpose or drive?
| troglodynellc wrote:
| Drop the therapy and start lifting weights. I'm not kidding.
|
| If the problem is that you feel things are gonna be a slow
| decline from here, then _fight it_. Make that your new goal, even
| if you know it to be a losing battle. It will focus your mind on
| demonstrable milestones like hitting new deadlift personal best.
|
| Even if you do something else, at the very least recognize that
| you've gotten to the point where you don't need to focus on the
| "work" and "money" part of life; as such treat this as an
| opportunity to focus on something new. After all, we only have a
| limited time on this earth to experience the things you want to
| do. This crisis is your mind's way of saying "I haven't done
| something I wished I had done." It isn't bad, it's just cognitive
| dissonance. Find the root of that dissonance and do that which
| would resolve the problems keeping you from finding fulfillment.
| This process will be emotionally painful but also cathartic.
|
| Best of luck; know that every man has it within them to pull
| through this and come out the other end happy and fulfilled. So
| long as you are willing to question everything about why you are
| the way you currently are, you will eventually seek out the
| truths you need to proceed.
| vvvcccvvv wrote:
| No no no. Never tell someone you do not know to stop going to
| therapy. Please be careful
| jawerty wrote:
| Ignore the other commenters this is good advice to give a man
| in a tough spot. If you find it yourself you'll be stronger.
| That's it. Life is tough and not fair, sometimes the people you
| rely on won't be there. The less dependent you are on others to
| get yourself out of a hole the better off you are.
| angrycoder wrote:
| terrible advice, never tell someone who has depression or any
| other mental health issue to stop going to therapy.
| benatkin wrote:
| telling them to keep going to therapy would be equally
| good/bad advice
|
| ...unless you care to show me clear evidence that therapy is
| effective in aggregate
|
| https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/acps.12713
| [deleted]
| weego wrote:
| Absolutely never under any circumstances attempt to take people
| away from their safety net, therapist or otherwise.
|
| You have no understanding of their wider life and concerns, and
| people asking for big life change help can be surprisingly
| susceptible to advice.
| Trasmatta wrote:
| Every couple years some new trend pops up that people start
| claiming will fix everyone's mental health issues. One of the
| current ones seems to be weight lifting. I have no doubt it
| can be massively helpful for mental health for a lot of
| people, but it's awfully condescending and detached from
| reality when people show up say "lmao drop therapy, all you
| have to do is pick up heavy things".
| NhanH wrote:
| Does your statement apply to "get therapy" itself?
|
| I'm not trying to be snarky, I've seen way more advices on
| getting therapy rather than start lifting weight. I don't
| have an opinion one way or another, but when I read the GP
| advice, I thought it was the one being unusual rather than
| common
| Trasmatta wrote:
| If the claim is "just go to therapy once a week and
| you'll be cured", then I would say yes. Depression is
| multi faceted and there's no single solution. It would
| likewise be ridiculous for somebody to say "stop weight
| lifting, all you need is therapy".
| myfavoritedog wrote:
| weakfish wrote:
| Absurd to ever suggest to a stranger that they stop therapy.
| You don't know them. Awful, awful thing to do.
| throwaway13575 wrote:
| If you do start lifting, I would recommend Starting Strength
| (Rippetoe). The 3x5 squats, deadlift, press routine got me out
| of a deep depression. It gave me life. I saw that the mind is
| supported by the body, and without health the mind is a
| turmoil.
| YuriNiyazov wrote:
| I thought "Therapy or Crossfit (though the skill tree allows
| you to choose only one)." from
|
| https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-scathing-review-of-you...
| was a joke until I read this comment.
| _Microft wrote:
| > Drop the therapy
|
| NEVER, EVER, suggest dropping therapy to someone with
| depression.
| newaccount2021 wrote:
| svmegatron wrote:
| Better yet: keep going to therapy and start lifting weights!
| JMiao wrote:
| Yes, but the thing is, the right therapist might help with the
| self-reflection you're talking about in paragraph 3. "Therapy"
| isn't one thing.
| blipvert wrote:
| Woah, toxic masculinity alert!
|
| By all means give weights (or running, cycling, whatever) a go,
| but stay with the therapy.
|
| Better to listen to professionals rather than some rando on the
| web.
| aarpmcgee wrote:
| Not sure about the suggestion to "drop the therapy"--if op's
| current therapy isn't helping so much, a different
| therapist/approach can make all the difference in the world. It
| took a lot of time for me to discover that kind of therapy
| worked best for me, and it also took some determination for me
| to find a therapist with whom I could really connect. My
| current therapist has helped me so much.
| getlawgdon wrote:
| Terrible suggestion. Full stop. OP: Do not stop therapy.
| rgbrenner wrote:
| You need to find your next challenge. And it doesn't necessarily
| have to be what you've been doing. Maybe it's time to look around
| at the world and find something new that's interesting.
| [deleted]
| sapientiae3 wrote:
| The only way to be really happy is to serve others. Most of the
| time that means doing whatever it is that you do (working,
| parenting, teaching etc.) as well as you can with others in mind.
| Sometimes you have to do a bit more.
|
| That's just the way we are.
| tediousdemise wrote:
| How do you define success? The answer to that is rooted in your
| present unhappiness, but you have the power to redefine success.
|
| From an outsider's perspective, your life is the one that I want
| to live, a life I would call successful! I would kill to be in a
| position to retire around the age of 40. I hate working! Starting
| a homestead and living off the land while I kick back and enjoy
| life, rather than generating profits for some nameless elite in a
| skyscraper.
|
| You can make any plans you want going forward. What do you value?
| What is your calling? What is your crusade? The answer lies
| within.
| incanus77 wrote:
| When you sold the first company, how did you pick the subject of
| the second company? Was it an opportunity, or was it something
| you really loved? Is there something you are really passionate
| about now? Could be anything... hobby, travel, certain pieces of
| tech, whatever. Think about it and try lots of things out. Maybe
| go back to things you enjoyed when you were a kid. In my
| experience, you need something, or a series of somethings, that
| really interest you and drive you. They might seem silly. They
| might seem dumb or done already. See if you can find something
| that you like to _play_ with. Really play. Go from there.
| timcavel wrote:
| cambaceres wrote:
| How about you take a couple of months off and chill? Perhaps you
| come up with an idea on something new that you could dive into
| again.
| gizajob wrote:
| Thanks for creating this thread. It's always good to hear how
| other people in other parts of the world are doing. Sorry to hear
| you're having a hard time.
|
| I'm about to turn 39, live in northern England. I've got a
| daughter who's almost 14 who lives nearby with her mother. Have
| had a brief marriage when I was living (it up) in Australia about
| 8 years ago, that ended in divorce almost immediately, but que
| sera sera. Have had a string of other relationships that all
| turned sour because of my defects of character, and circumstances
| being not quite right. Have never had the talent or opportunity
| to make a success of business.
|
| I'm now about to finish the third year of a philosophy degree, at
| the university in my hometown. Has taken me five years to get
| through, in part because of sobriety issues before coming to
| university after a relationship that left me really traumatised,
| and falling off the wagon at the end of my 1st-year of study
| following the needless and horrific suicide of a 19yo fellow
| student, who went home after our final class of symbolic logic
| before the summer break and was dead before midnight. (RIP
| Ceara). Then while recovering I bought a motorbike and got
| knocked off by a taxi, and ended up in hospital with three broken
| limbs.
|
| Why am I telling you this? Because as a philosopher and
| practicing zen Buddhist there's a message you can tell yourself
| to get some perspective:
|
| _Your life doesn 't have to look like anything._
|
| Reading your comment I feel that you have some sort of
| expectation of how your life should be, and then an expectation
| of how you should feel. I believe "should" is perhaps one of the
| most unhelpful words in the English language. Yet I feel for you
| at the same time - when we set goals like succeeding in business
| or taking care of adulting, it always seems like there should be
| some sort of payoff and relief at the end, and the tragedy is
| that if it does come, it's extremely fleeting. The day you sell
| your business there's a great party and much joy, but then the
| next day comes "what now?" It's a cruel part of the human
| condition that our desiring centre's main desire is to satisfy
| it's own desire, can't actually be satisfied - attempts to
| satisfy it just lead to it homeostatically adjusting it's
| desiring level upwards to a new baseline. So while striving for
| your goals, having met them and very much sorted your life out
| logistically, it's not surprising that you feel lost.
|
| I think it's a case of perspective, however, that you "feel" like
| you've hit your zenith though. In some senses that might be
| right, but if you go into the feeling - check your body and work
| out "what does this _feel_ like? " you may find that it's not a
| feeling at all, but just another idea and thought you're telling
| yourself. It's worth spending the time working out what your
| feelings are compared to what your thoughts about your feelings
| are, for me those are often very different things. At 44, you
| have a long future ahead of you. Consider the idea that teenagers
| can become great guitarists or artists from scratch within 20
| years. You could choose to develop a whole new skillset by the
| time you're 60. There's a world of opportunity open to you, so
| try to think that all your efforts have just got you to this
| point, and that's pretty great, and you have the gift of time and
| having sorted out your life that probably 90% of the rest of the
| planet hasn't achieved yet.
|
| So I'd advise looking in to some new goals and things you'd enjoy
| for the next phase of your life, things that don't necessarily
| have any sort of commercial or financial "end" in mind. Something
| genuinely new that you can be challenged by, even if it makes you
| "feel" awful and go "f*k I'm shit at this and it's not going to
| change very quickly until I get good at it". Also a good time to
| really value your beautiful wife something many people would give
| an arm or a leg for (you say "The Wife" which I get is a bit of
| fun, but also could indicate a lack of connection and valuing of
| her, opposed to saying "my gorgeous loving wife"). I'd advise
| abandoning ideas that any drugs or pills are going to change
| anything for you. What you're suffering with is the human
| condition, in a western society, not an illness that needs to be
| drugged. A good long holiday away from smartphones, tech, and
| goals also seems like something you'd enjoy, and probably
| deserve.
|
| Fingers crossed things change for you. I'm sure you have the
| resources within to make that happen.
| croisillon wrote:
| Happy birthday <3
| tylerfoster wrote:
| I found myself in a similar spot recently. I'm making more money
| than I need as an exec of a VC-backed startup, and the work
| needed from me in the current company doesn't fill my time.
|
| I've started pouring myself into charity work and mentoring
| younger executives, engineers, and data scientists. It's
| different, but I love it. It's really fulfilling.
| layer8 wrote:
| You say that you feel like you have no plan going forward, but it
| sounds more like you lack a purpose, which is more fundamental.
| There's the old adage "be the change you want to see in the
| world". Maybe there's something you'd like to exist in the world
| and that you could work on to bring about? Just a suggestion of a
| direction to think about.
| smsm42 wrote:
| Be careful with the drug stuff though. It's hard to tell from a
| short post, but if your problems aren't caused by some chemical
| imbalance - which happens in some cases, but in many more cases
| it's not the problem - then trying to fix it with drugs would
| just make you to have two problems instead of one. It sound more
| of "meaning of life" stuff than "some chemicals are not balanced
| in my body" stuff. Things like that are rarely fixed with finding
| the right pill. There are a lot of venues for fixing "meaning of
| life" problems, it's hard to say which one would work for you,
| but maybe try out some you didn't try yet.
| DanielBMarkham wrote:
| Learn to complain better.
|
| Seriously. There's a theory about learning and creating addictive
| games created by Jean Piaget [long story goes here]. Basically,
| if you don't feel the need for a change, the gut feeling that the
| universe is out of balance, you won't change.
|
| It's perfectly fine to accomplish a lot and feel at ease. Being
| lost, however, means that there is somewhere you want to be but
| can't get there. Work on where that is, then you'll know more
| about why you're lost.
|
| Apologies for sounding like Yoda. At some point, most all of us
| are happy, accomplish meaningful things, maybe take a victory
| lap. Yay. Contentment is the secret to happiness. You can have a
| happy life or a meaningful one. They're not the same thing.
| rufus_foreman wrote:
| First, you have to know, not fear, know that someday you are
| going to die.
|
| Been through it. Lose the wife, lose the therapist, lose the
| drugs, get the muscle car.
| argentinian wrote:
| Isn't there something you find interesting and would enjoy
| exploring?
| howmayiannoyyou wrote:
| Not reading that you have kids. If not, that can redirect focus
| off yourself to something more worthy IF you can maintain SOS as
| a parent:
|
| S = Selflessness.
|
| 0 = Objectivity.
|
| S = Self-awareness.
|
| We tend to feel lost when were aren't challenged or we're hyper
| focused on ourselves. We tend to feel a level of contentment when
| we are helping/mentoring others, interacting socially in a
| positive way, or learning.
|
| Hope that helps.
| throwawayboise wrote:
| 44 is pretty old to start having kids, IMO, and I would not
| advise having kids as a way to try to fix your own mental
| health at any age.
| howmayiannoyyou wrote:
| You may have missed the whole SOS caution.
| criveros wrote:
| Not for a man.
| criddell wrote:
| Outside of your professional life, what have you accomplished?
| Are you artistic in any way? Are you still a good student? Do you
| think you could be a good teacher? You can build companies, but
| can you build furniture?
| digitalsanctum wrote:
| Stay in therapy and go ahead and try Ketamine. Keep in mind that
| not everyone "qualifies" for the treatment based on initial
| psychiatric consults. I've heard very good things about it
| working where other medications, etc. have failed.
|
| Your story resonates with me and I'm considering Ketamine as
| well.
|
| Two things that have helped me immensely in the past was exercise
| and taking up a new hobby. For years, I always wanted to try
| woodworking and a couple years ago I started. I've found it helps
| in a couple ways: it distracts me from whatever is going on in my
| life and gives my brain a rest. Second, it diversified my time
| while learning something new. There's something special that
| happens when you're learning and building something with your
| hands at the same time.
|
| Another thought is to look enlisting the help of a life coach.
|
| No matter what path you choose, good luck brother.
| frontman1988 wrote:
| 8 digit exit is 100 million right? And CTO probably got atleast 1
| out of 100 of those millions right? What kind of shithole
| America's healthcare is that a multimillionaire has to still slog
| at a job for health insurance.
| webmaven wrote:
| 100 million is 100,000,000, or eight ZEROS, not eight FIGURES.
|
| Low eight figures is a small multiple of 10 million.
| RobertRoberts wrote:
| You need find meaning in _life_, not just work. Why are you here?
| You know you aren't the first person to hit this problem.
|
| Religion offers a solution for this problem, when the purpose and
| value of your life is more valuable than your day to day
| activities, your money or anything you experience now.
|
| But most people will suggest therapy so you can learn to be happy
| with what you have already become unsatisfied with, worldly
| success.
|
| Go find unhappy people and help them. Poor, destitute, maybe a
| sad neighbor, and do something for them. Then maybe you will find
| a new thing in life worth caring about.
| chandelier wrote:
| Learn a musical instrument!
| photochemsyn wrote:
| Finding something new to strive for is not a bad idea, but it
| should be orthogonal to your past interests. Something you have
| to come in at a relative beginner level. Of course you're never
| going to be as good at it as people who've been doing it for 20
| years plus, but that's OK. Think more in terms of self-
| development rather than winning a competition with others. I've
| had some limited success in regaining a positive outlook by
| diving into programming and networking at a similar age over the
| past few years, coming from a background of academic benchtop lab
| researcher who never wrote a line of code (maybe an Excel macro)
| before.
|
| For a chuckle about the inevitable decline as we age, see this
| quote from Trainspotting:
|
| https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1200371
| codpiece wrote:
| Volunteer: code for nonprofits, mentor others, help the elderly
| or less fortunate.
|
| Weightlift. Not bodybuilding, but heavy weights. Grinding through
| what seems like impossible amounts is invigorating, both
| physically and mentally.
| jyap wrote:
| Being in the crypto industry I know quite a few people in the
| same financial situation or better.
|
| You've exceeded the wealth of the normal man and for your
| lifetime. So almost all the financial incentives that workers go
| through no longer exist. The ironic term for this is "rich people
| problems".
|
| Waking up, having heavy decades long financial burdens is what
| 99% of the white collar working population goes through and you
| are not a part of that lifestyle.
|
| Maybe the awareness that you are this point can help. You don't
| work for financial reasons so you need to then find some deeper
| meaning to work life if you want to continue working.
| ankothari wrote:
| Become a teacher to understand what life is all about. You don't
| even have to leave your current job. Just teach wht yu have
| learnt to the new gen. They will thank you for the rest of their
| lives.
| conductr wrote:
| Wife and I decided to have a kid a when I was around 40 (she's
| younger) as our daily life seemed to lack real purpose. We never
| had a strong desire to be parents but another several decades of
| work, netflix, sleep with a few vacations and nice restaurants
| sprinkled in to break up the tedium just didn't sound fulfilling
| after having done exactly that the previous ~15 years. It also
| coincided with some other health related stuff that made us
| really have to evaluate a now or never type decision on kids. We
| decided we'd probably regret it if we didn't.
|
| I'm still somewhat aware that I'm having a mid life crisis but
| it's more of a feeling of wanting to enjoy my kid being a kid
| before he outgrows me and nothing else really matters. I don't
| chase money or work accomplishments, never really have, but they
| do pull at me and now I push back a lot more. So a massive shift
| of prioritization is in place where I prioritize my social
| calendar (or kids) over my work calendar at all cost. I really
| have no relationship with my dad (by choice, but with reasons) so
| I now often think that is my primary objective to make sure my
| son wants to keep me in his life as an adult. So in a large part
| I'm just trying to not repeat the mistakes my dad made with me...
| but I also really enjoy my kid and want to spend time with him,
| so it helps.
|
| Anyways, good luck with finding yourself on the other side of the
| hill. Maybe my story will help you in some way.
| banoo wrote:
| I skimmed through all the comments (sorry if I missed it) but I
| couldn't see any mention of the grief that comes with knowledge
| of the anthropocene. The world we have created, the changes we
| have made, are irrevocable. The hopes of our generation are lost
| because we are damned to know that the world is lost to us
| already. The sheer weight of grief at the loss of a world is
| something that nobody has been prepared to help you and I mourn.
| This is it. This is where it ends. There is no way through.
| mattm wrote:
| What's your next goal?
|
| It seems like you've accomplished all your goals and are
| wondering what to do next. Maybe it's not tech-related. Maybe
| it's time for something completely different where you can
| experience the struggles again of being a beginner.
|
| I'm currently reading "High Output Management" by Andrew Grove.
| This quote might apply:
|
| > if we are to create and maintain a high degree of motivation,
| we must keep some needs unsatisfied at all times
| djohnston wrote:
| Tangible recommendation, if slightly biased to my own interests:
| find your local flight school and take your first lesson.
| RustyConsul wrote:
| travel.
| cdicelico wrote:
| There is no zenith. Own your life. Get out of your head.
|
| Everything you've done up to this point has only been a prelude
| to whatever you choose to do next. If you choose to see those
| years as your zenith and stop doing anything, that's on you, it's
| not because you've supposedly reached some mythical temporal
| horizon. You've accrued experiences, skills, wisdom, perspective,
| understanding, relationships, and resources. If you can't see a
| way to turn those into meaningful next pursuits, then (again)
| that's on you. Don't make excuses for yourself.
|
| Our culture unfortunately worships youth. We seem to think that
| life after 40 is downhill, but this just isn't true. From 40 to
| 70 or even 80 is a PRIME period of life. You have the things you
| need to do world-changing work, the confidence that comes from
| hard-won experience, and the tangible life experience to
| appreciate the meaningfulness and beauty of every single moment.
|
| So-called "zeniths" are whatever you decide they are. If you
| reached your absolute best in one skillset, pick up a new one.
| Reinvent yourself and kick off a whole new career. Serve the
| people around you. Try to make the world better somehow for your
| having been here. There's no end of things you could do. Don't
| waste any more time with this angsty self-pity. Life is too
| fleeting and too wonderful to be so self-absorbed.
| alcover wrote:
| > Our culture unfortunately worships youth
|
| Yes. This cult burns everything around it. The word 'wisdom' is
| rarely uttered, and even sounds ancient.
| cdicelico wrote:
| Agree. The way I see it, not being in my 20s is an edge, not
| a liability. I don't have to suffer all the things young
| people are about to because I've already been through that
| part of my life. There's a lot you don't have to worry about
| any more once you get to the other side of it. Plus, I've had
| plenty of years to make mistakes and have a better sense of
| who I am (and who I'm not) and what I want (and what I
| emphatically don't) than ever. In my 20's everything was
| about screwing and appearances and destroying the old; now
| it's all about Love, Beauty, and Creation.
|
| There's just no question to me--life really doesn't even
| begin to be amazing until all the noise quiets down sometime
| in the 30s-40s. That stage is important, we NEED to burn hot
| through that period and it's important, but it's by
| absolutely no means whatsoever some kind of "peak"--that idea
| is so much bullshit.
|
| If there is such a thing as a "peak", I feel like it's
| probably more accurately something like the 50s, with a long
| tail through the 60s and beyond. Those decades make up (imo)
| the window where you can bring all the things you've lived to
| bear and live the culmination of all your insights--powerful
| stuff.
| AlexandrB wrote:
| You're saying there are no TikToks dedicated to wisdom?!
| Impossible.
| v-erne wrote:
| I'm not sure if this is not just an illusion. Young people
| are maybe a little more visible in meaningless parts of our
| society but almost all truly powerful and rich people are
| old. Don't fall into trap reading Forbes list and thinking
| that it shows any reminiscence of the actual power structure
| - most people is there only because they are in the business
| of self promotion. The real ones are those that are literally
| paying to stay out of the spotlight.
| cdicelico wrote:
| Well said. Just adding
| https://www.kellogg.northwestern.edu/faculty/jones-
| ben/htm/A... and https://hbr.org/2018/07/research-the-
| average-age-of-a-succes... for examples and specifics.
| anExcitedBeast wrote:
| I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
|
| Maybe it's time to rethink how you spend your working attention.
| Impact can drive fulfilment.
|
| https://80000hours.org/
| lbriner wrote:
| None of us live forever but I think for many people, the ultimate
| hope is to make a difference, to leave the world slightly better
| than we found it, to invest our skills into progress and removing
| some of the evil we find around us.
|
| If you can find what you really enjoy doing and turn that into an
| investment into the planet and its population then you get to
| arrive at your death bed really believing you did something
| valuable with your life.
|
| As they say, few people wish to have earned more money or spent
| more time at work, they wish they invested in people, in
| communities, into the less fortunate etc.
|
| Good luck. I'm two years older than you and still feeling like
| some of my best is yet to come!
| zarkov99 wrote:
| Do something physically hard, hard enough for you to slightly
| fear it. Martial arts, in particular BJJ would be a great option.
| You need to let your body command your attention, urgently and
| forcibly, so you get out of your own head and can appreciate
| comfort and safety again.
| raintrees wrote:
| Similar boat. Looking for my next inspiration, because then
| everything flows... Re-kindle the fire within.
| harel wrote:
| You're in a place I'd like to get to: not being dependent on
| external sources for income. You're in a place most would want to
| get to I suppose (I'm ever so slightly older than you). How about
| reaping the reward instead of spending more time inside the loop?
| I can only speak for myself, but when I get to your position,
| I'll be taking a small backpack with my laptop and a spare T
| Shirt, and me and the Mrs will go travel the world without any
| plan beyond the first destination. What we'll need beyond that we
| can buy on the way. There is a whole planet out there waiting for
| you to see it, and you CAN do it.
| anthonyfrisby wrote:
| The solution is actually within you already. Learn to appreciate
| the moment, nature, the wind and rain, the sun rays, the general
| bussle of the world. Really! it is like a muscle, something you
| have to train and learn, but the brilliance of life is actually
| right there in front of you in every moment. Don't do therapy,
| that will send you further down the tunnel. Focus on learning to
| open your eyes, and train for it, every day. Start with the
| Waking Up app by sam harris.
| mikek wrote:
| 44 year old here! Nonprofit work (or going to work for a tech-
| based non-profit like Khan Academy or a YC-funded nonprofit)
| could help.
| scurraorbis wrote:
| I'm sorry you have to go through this. The human psyche is truly
| marvelous at generating unhappiness. If you are don't have
| anything and haven't reached your potential you are unhappy
| because you feel like a loser. If you are on the upswing and
| growing you might feel unhappy because you didn't make it yet.
| And when you made it, well, that's when you are unhappy because
| you are past your zenith. Why is it like this? Who knows, but the
| Buddhist have some good ideas about it, I find.
|
| From personal experience (I used to lie on the couch wishing I'd
| die every day for weeks) I can recommend the following three
| things:
|
| * Move your body in sunlight. I'm not talking about becoming
| ripped or doing and Ironman or something crazy, I am simply
| talking about doing an amount and intensity of exercise you can
| sustain a couple of times a week every week outside when the sun
| is out. Once I did this for three weeks or so I found that this
| dreadful feeling of emptiness faded and that I hardly felt
| discontent anymore. These feelings return when I stop doing that
| which usually is my trigger to start again.
|
| * Read & follow the book "The Happiness Trap"
| <https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Livin...>
| I'd credit this book with the single biggest impact on my life. I
| remember crying from relief after doing one of the exercises.
|
| * When you got yourself together somewhat I'd recommend having a
| child. It's the most fun and satisfaction I ever had in my whole
| life and it makes everything else so much better.
|
| I hope this is useful to you and that you get better soon.
| sniperjoe360 wrote:
| I hear you friend, you've been to the highest of highs and lowest
| of lows and now are like a surfer back on dry land thinking of
| the last big wave, or a soldier back from war wandering around a
| flower garden. The cognitive dissonance of your otherwise great
| life with the life you thought you would be living makes every
| moment unenjoyable and meaningless.
|
| As someone in healthcare who takes care of depression, the pills,
| TMS, and ketamine are not meant to cure depression. They are
| meant to decrease the risk of impulsivity, improve function, and
| decrease suicide.
|
| To get out of depression, you have to find meaning again in the
| life you were given, and then faithfully follow that which gives
| you meaning so that you do not become lost again.
|
| Religion is perhaps mankinds best answer because many
| philosophers who thought about these very questions of meaning
| were religious thinkers. Ecclesiastes is a great book to read.
| pcj-github wrote:
| Most of your intuitions are probably correct. You probably are
| past your zenith, and it probably is a slow decline from here.
| Your life probably doesn't have much real meaning. In fact, it's
| likely that none of us here really do.
|
| So get over it. You still won the lottery in this universe in
| that you ever existed in the first place. Make the best of what
| remains.
| u2077 wrote:
| It seems like you have experienced a lot and that the field you
| are passionate about has nothing left to offer. Just because
| you've reached the top and there's nowhere left to go, doesn't
| mean that there aren't thousands of interesting opportunities
| elsewhere. I would love to say that traveling and doing all these
| new things would be helpful, but at the same time, chasing a
| checklist will just leave you unsatisfied. Maybe move somewhere
| else? Meet different people? Live slow and relax?
|
| Other people can give you _their_ advice, but you know yourself
| best.
| umvi wrote:
| Possibly an unpopular answer, but have you tried exploring or
| investigating any religions? I'm in my mid-30s and I've found
| religion has given me a profound sense of purpose and identity
| and community compared to a lot of my peers who have similar
| struggles as you (rich, but increasingly unhappy and nihilistic).
|
| Of course, there's always the question of "which religion" since
| obviously all religions in aggregate have contradictory teachings
| when compared to each other. And if you absolutely can't bring
| yourself to believe in something like God without hard empirical
| evidence, maybe religion isn't for you. But in my opinion almost
| any religion is better than none if only for the uplifting
| camaraderie alone, so if you have even the tiniest desire to
| believe in something greater you could just pick one you think
| looks good and try it out for a bit and see if it has any
| positive outcomes in your life. And if your initial choice turned
| out to be good but sub-optimal (which it most likely will if you
| picked at random), as your faith grows you can trust that you'll
| be guided to switch to the best one for you over time (if you so
| desire).
| micromacrofoot wrote:
| You've got a golden ticket to stop working and do whatever you
| want. Change careers, go back to school, I don't think I'll ever
| have as much freedom as you do right now.
| jonfw wrote:
| How about fitness? Sex life? How's your diet? Do you have any
| vices? Do you have close relationships with friends or family? Do
| you do anything creative?
|
| You're doing great on money, but you spent a whole lot of time
| talking about that. There's lots of other things to think about
| rodolphoarruda wrote:
| I had my first experience realizing mid-life -- and its ghosts --
| when I was just about your age. I bought a book about it and it
| helped me understand where most of that anxiety were coming from.
| I don't see a therapist, dont take any meds or feel that I'm
| depressed. I have bad days every other week, but I think that's
| normal and somewhat "desired" to keep me focused on my goals. One
| thing that helped me fight the bitterness of mid-life crisis was
| physical activities, adrenaline. I have intensified my bike rides
| a lot. I used a popular bike training app to quantify my
| performance and then push it harder. It's been working good for
| me in general. I have lost weight, improved my sleep and eating
| habits. My bike has become my best companion throughout this
| weird phase of my life.
| monological wrote:
| Start going to church. Believe in something bigger than yourself.
| Honestly, nothing gained on this earth will satisfy you. Everyone
| always hates hearing this, but it's the truth in my opinion.
| herebedragon wrote:
| You might just be going through your Sade Sati
| (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sade_Sati). Hang in there.
| omalleyt wrote:
| Yes, you have reached the zenith of your career. Congratulations.
| You are self-sufficient and able to provide for the financial
| needs of your family. This is a true victory.
|
| Now, it is time to focus on people other than yourself. Most
| other advice on here is awful; it amounts to different directions
| to run on the hedonic treadmill.
|
| Instead, you have to give back now. What good is there to be
| done, that only you could do? What will be worse off if you don't
| lend a hand? This can range from finding better ways to support
| and mentor your children, to donating time to tutor students in
| programming, to building a well in Africa. Think hard about what
| you really care about, and then work hard to bring that into
| being.
| Akinato wrote:
| I 100% agree with this, and it's why we see a lot of lucky
| billionaires looking to give back to society. What do you do
| when you've reached the pinnacle of achievement? How can you
| make yourself happier when you no longer have unmet needs?
|
| You start looking for ways to improve life for everyone else,
| and focusing on what kind of impact you want to have on the
| world. What's something that has caused you or someone you care
| about a lot of pain? Could you help prevent someone else from
| going through that, or make it easier somehow? Maybe you can't
| achieve something grand like world peace, but you can use your
| skills to improve education in war torn areas to provide new
| options, etc.
|
| Start to think of the world as an extension of yourself. After
| you've honed yourself, hone the world.
| lljk_kennedy wrote:
| 100%. This dude has hit the endgame and has the freedom of
| financial independence. Time to open the alpaca farm, or the
| breakfast cafe.
| slowroll wrote:
| This is exactly it. Being a part of a community brings joy, and
| having a positive effect on that community brings happiness.
| sizzle wrote:
| Why not become an investor and focus on philanthropy or giving
| back, assuming you have passive income. You won the money game,
| no longer have creditors breathing down your neck.
|
| Go travel with the wife, go do a hobby with your hands, create a
| brick and mortar business or nonprofit that you are passionate
| about and is not fueled by profit.
|
| Life isn't just about working, do you still have a deep
| connection with your significant other? If not, how do you repair
| that rift that you created by pouring all your blood, sweat and
| tears into your work life?
| brodouevencode wrote:
| My faith has kept me from thinking like this, despite being very
| prone to it (as discovered at the times in my life when I really
| wrestled with my faith).
| nicwolff wrote:
| Bad midlife crisis = muscle car, high schools. Good midlife
| crisis = sailboat, Bahamas.
| cynusx wrote:
| Happiness isn't about money, it's about remaining curious and
| challenged.
| supertofu wrote:
| You need psychedelics, my friend.
| qiskit wrote:
| > I feel like I've hit my zenith already and it's just a slow
| decline from here on out.
|
| 20s: Where your future is ahead of you.
|
| 30s: Where your future is behind you.
| hluska wrote:
| I started my forties with a major health crisis and I can relate.
| If you want to talk to someone, my email is in my profile.
|
| Ultimately though, I had to find other things and live a more
| balanced life. In my case, my health scare was such that fitness
| and nutrition became passions. I hope you can find a passion that
| works for you. It's okay to discover new things, rekindle old
| hobbies and do things that don't make sense from the outside.
|
| Good luck friend and I'm sorry you're going through this. I can
| completely relate, it sucks and there is quite literally nothing
| I can say. :(
| JMiao wrote:
| Did you go through it alone?
| fartcannon wrote:
| Try giving away all your money. Force yourself to see truly how
| unbelievable lucky you are (were). Makes me think of that song
| Common People by Pulp.
|
| In seriousness, try charity.
| codr7 wrote:
| So, what's your passion in life, what makes you tick?
|
| Besides money and status, I mean.
|
| The stuff you mention is mostly distractions, it will never make
| you happy.
| ostenning wrote:
| From my experience the goal posts constantly move, the insatiable
| desire for more never ends. Self acceptance of where you are in
| your stage of life will be key to letting go and relinquishing
| the suffering that goes hand in hand with our ego identity and
| attachments to success.
|
| What you are experiencing is a normal stage of life that we all
| inevitably must face.
|
| This is a beautiful stage of life, even if society tells you
| otherwise. You begin to reconcile aspects of your being and start
| seeing things for what they really are.
|
| My existential pangs are eased by spiritual books and teachers. I
| recommend you find some foundation of spirituality to help
| through these times. My favourite teacher is the late Ram Dass
| (Richard Alpert) who has his works available on the Be Here Now
| Network podcasts, Alan Watts also.
|
| Take care
| Bud wrote:
| If it helps at all, my 40s were my favorite decade so far. You
| sound like a person who really has a tremendous amount to offer.
| You just need to figure out what you want to do and what gives
| you joy. I am not a magical genius who can figure that out for
| you, but since you can definitely afford it, I'd agree with the
| folks who are suggesting a vacation or some kind of volunteer
| work.
|
| You mention how much of your life you have devoted to your
| professional development. Perhaps it's time to be selfish and
| think just about you and your personal development.
|
| I also don't think ketamine, or psilocybin, would be a bad idea.
| Many people have gotten lasting benefit, and relief from
| depression, out of those substances. If you do try one of them,
| do so in a peaceful, controlled setting, with a very trusted
| person around. And a lot of art materials! ;)
| throwawayboise wrote:
| 40s were the worst for me. Marriage fell apart when I was 39,
| and my 40s are sort of a blur of just getting from one day to
| the next.
| thiago_fm wrote:
| Sorry you feel that way, I'll try to be frank here, if my advice
| isn't useful, just don't take it.
|
| I know a few people exactly like you, that like to boost about
| how well off they are and that are depressed and sad, but they
| treat life as it is a game of competition, this is why they
| usually start by displaying how "they've won", but in reality
| they were the only ones that were silly enough to only think
| about work.
|
| What do you like to do outside of work, that isn't some sort of
| addiction, such as gaming, gambling and doesn't give some kind of
| thrill that you also get in business and while making money? Try
| to spend more time doing those things.
|
| Also to say those things to your wife and come here and say is
| load, makes me believe you don't respect her at all. What does
| your therapist say about this?
|
| You've decided to waste the best years of your life working a lot
| and making money, and now you fail to appreciate the things
| you've conquered etc. At your age, there is still a lot of things
| you can do. Now there is still a lot of golden days, but it will
| never be like you were 20, for sure.
|
| Such as, if you try to skate, every fall will hurt much more than
| when you were young and take longer to recover. Same is for
| playing an instrument, will take much longer to learn. We are
| like fruits, eventually we will get rotten.
|
| Also the way you talk about depression seems like you want to
| hide behind it. Honestly depressed people can't get shit done as
| you do, I live with somebody with it and they can't wake up, have
| a business or deal with commitments as you've done, to me it
| seems you are mostly sad because you want to always be on a peak,
| winning, sort of like a cocaine addict, hence my earlier comment
| about addiction.
|
| A therapist can help with that, invest on more sessions and if
| the current one isn't working, find a new one.
| boucher wrote:
| Depression is not one thing, not everyone experiences it the
| same way as the person you live with.
| i_love_music wrote:
| I personally love your take. I don't know about this person,
| but it resonates with me. Especially the part about treating
| life as a game or competition and the only success metric is
| work/money/power. I'm by no means a lost cause, but I dabble in
| that game more than I want to. Or, I should say, I assign too
| much self worth around those metrics.
| thiago_fm wrote:
| I wrote specifically that comment above because I've wasted a
| few years of my life with this mindset and after therapy and
| a lot of struggles, I've figured out it has been what made me
| depressive and hate my life and myself.
|
| But I was lucky enough to change the situation around with
| therapy, friends and a framework that enabled me to... and
| now I live in peace with a degree of peacefulness with
| myself.
|
| I recognize that I can easily get addicted into something
| that gives me that feeling of self-improvement, money
| arriving in my bank account, stocks going up, being
| recognized by my peers. This at a modest level, it is
| actually great, because it will provide you a good standard
| of living and confort, but too much will make yourself
| miserable, only when I saw that I was basically like a
| cocaine addict and couldn't enjoy anything in my life and
| finally hit the breaks that my life changed.
| weakfish wrote:
| Repeating what others have said, but as the person in question.
| I'm incredibly depressed in the sense that I struggle to find
| motivation to achieve fairly basic tasks such as laundry,
| feeding myself, etc + extremely numbed emotions, but I am high
| functioning through a combination of anxiety and force of will
| (I'm graduating with a decent GPA from a state school with a
| job lined up).
|
| It can be highly invisible; in fact, I reckon that it is
| usually invisible and most only see the extreme cases such as
| your roommate.
| thiago_fm wrote:
| Are you diagnosed, need to take medicine, is it chronic, do
| you need to visit your doctor frequently and have a lot of
| problems, even social issues...?
|
| If not, then you don't have depression, you are just
| sad/bored like most of the people in this world and is
| misusing a word and kind of downplaying on depression.
| weakfish wrote:
| Yes, I am diagnosed by two different psychiatrists and have
| been taking medication and been in therapy for over 7
| years. It impacts my life daily and has caused a great
| amount of harm in my life. This includes self-destructive
| behavior and (long ago) suicidal ideation.
|
| Don't make assumptions about people you don't know.
| richardlblair wrote:
| There is a lot to comment on here, but I'm going to look at
| this: > Honestly depressed people can't get shit done as you do
|
| This isn't true. I'm sorry the person you're living with is
| having a hard time getting out of bed, but there are a lot of
| people out there who have very severe depression who are
| "successful". What you describe is just one form that
| depression can take.
|
| Some of the rest of what you wrote has merit. To be honest, it
| just sounds like OP doesn't have a fully developed sense of
| self (very common, esp for people in his generation). If they
| connect with who they are, and pivot their philosophy in life
| to connect with what's important to them (their values) they
| should at least feel a little better. This is where working
| with a therapist can be helpful. I'd specifically think ACT
| (acceptance commitment therapy) would be helpful in a situation
| like this. But, I'll leave the therapy stuff to therapy people.
| cdicelico wrote:
| Re: "Now there is still a lot of golden days, but it will never
| be like you were 20, for sure.", this is not necessarily a bad
| thing. 20-somethings move so fast because they don't have the
| experience to move strategically, to stop, think slowly and
| methodically, gather perspectives and advice, and make
| deliberate, powerful moves. Older people don't need to be so
| hyperactive; we move with more efficiency because we don't need
| to move as MUCH. Learn to play chess rather than checkers. This
| worship of youth is disease.
| Trasmatta wrote:
| > Honestly depressed people can't get shit done as you do, I
| live with somebody with it and they can't wake up, have a
| business or deal with commitments as you've done, to me it
| seems you are mostly sad because you want to always be on a
| peak, winning, sort of like a cocaine addict, hence my earlier
| comment about addiction
|
| This isn't true, depression has a pretty wide spectrum, and
| some depressed people are fairly high functioning. There are
| vast differences in severity, and it also surfaces differently
| in different people.
| WHA8m wrote:
| Yes, but every depressed human will eventually break because
| of that. No way you're getting trough with that - given, the
| 'highly functioning' is a displacement for your depression.
| They have been depressed before, but afterwards it'll be much
| more apparent (and urgent).
| thiago_fm wrote:
| Are you a psychiatrist?
| Trasmatta wrote:
| Nope, but I've been diagnosed with mild to moderate
| depression for the past 16 years.
|
| You don't need to be a psychiatrist to know that depression
| doesn't always surface in the way you described.
| malfist wrote:
| Echoing what other commenters are saying. Depression takes many
| forms, and some of them allow you to still function. Just like
| some people can be a high functioning alcoholic, some people
| can hold down a job and achieve high levels of professional
| success while everything else in their life is crumbling to
| their depression.
|
| There's also like 5 classes of antidepressant drugs, and
| several more that don't fall into a specific class. Each class
| has several options. If the first one doesn't work for you,
| that doesn't mean the next wont. The biological causes of
| depression aren't well understood and it's trial and error to
| find one that works for you. I would encourage people who are
| depressed to talk with their doctor, and find a medication that
| works for them. And don't be afraid to tell your doctor one
| isn't working, they won't be surprised.
|
| Depression isn't one size fits all, and the meds for it aren't
| either.
| czbond wrote:
| > but in reality they were the only ones that were silly enough
| to only think about work
|
| A lot of people find passion + work align. It's ok not to waste
| your time watching TV, sports, playing games, art, and all that
| stuff people do to distract them from life. It is ok for your
| hobby to be work.
|
| There are just enough people who aren't driven to work, that it
| bothers them. I can work 10 hours every day, and enjoy working
| that way on the weekends. Life is boring - if you're in charge
| of work, it can be fulfilling.
| Kaze404 wrote:
| > waste your time watching TV, sports, playing games, art,
| and all that stuff people do to distract them from life
|
| I think you have it backwards. Working is distracting you
| from life.
| [deleted]
| tcldr wrote:
| > It's ok not to waste your time watching TV, sports, playing
| games, art
|
| Art?
| whynotkeithberg wrote:
| Basically he's someone who only finds value by producing
| economic value for someone else. Their own wants, desires
| etc have no value to someone else so therefor should not be
| pursued. It's a pretty fucked up view of what life should
| be. I'm sure they're someone that views old people as
| having absolutely no value in life as well.
| dotnet00 wrote:
| That's a less than charitable interpretation. Perhaps he
| simply isn't interested in art?
| airstrike wrote:
| > It is ok for your hobby to be work.
|
| I disagree and I also don't think watching TV qualifies as a
| hobby. Hobbies are something you set out to actively do and
| you're OK being mediocre at. Sort of like a pretend-job where
| there's no real pressure, only the joy of experimenting with
| it.
|
| Almost by definition, you want to excel at work. You're
| worried about promotions, being fired, hitting your goals,
| getting the comp number you wanted at the end of the year,
| dealing with co-workers you can't avoid, bosses, beating your
| competitors, etc. Hobbies have none of these things. Not to
| mention the personal responsibility of bringing home the
| bacon, even if you're not the sole breadwinner, balancing
| life and work, dealing with conflicting schedules, etc.
|
| Learning to play the piano or to sail or to skate or to
| crochet are activities that can be challenging but you don't
| owe anything to anyone. You do it because it's a nice way to
| get your mind off the stuff that does stress you.
| thiago_fm wrote:
| 100% true, it is exactly what I've meant with my comment.
|
| Well, there is a lot of people that die everyday having
| wasted all their lives working and hating themselves
| because they've never made time for themselves, even if
| they could afford to.
|
| As hacker news has a bunch of hustle culture bros, such
| argument doesn't resonate much here, it is sad to say, but
| even though this community motivate a lot of individuals to
| take charge of their lives and get into entrepreneurship,
| innovation and great contributions to society, at the same
| time, some people also end up getting trapped by
| money/compensation and pointless work, doing stupid shit
| they dislike or doesn't like as much and many divorces and
| sad stories, which are very rarely shared here.
|
| OP has mentioned that he is basically done with his
| obligations in life and is sad, and then this cryptobro
| comes here to talk shit that those hustlers do.
|
| If you want to waste your life doing amateur climbing,
| bowling or doing art and living off tips and being
| homeless, AND YOU ENJOY IT, this is what you should be
| doing. There will be always the Elon Musk's that will have
| 10 kids, 15 wives, 7 girlfriends and a couple hundred
| billions, you don't need to become another one.
|
| It is the humanities, arts etc that make us humans and
| gives meaning to our existence in the universe. It isn't
| shooting fucking rockets to space.
| tomc1985 wrote:
| > Life is boring - if you're in charge of work, it can be
| fulfilling.
|
| Life is quite exciting with the right social group. Work is
| inevitably drudging away while an employer takes 98% of your
| output for themselves and gives you table scraps in return.
|
| This is coming from somebody who turned his hobbies + passion
| into his work, and then narrowly avoided hardcore burnout
| after he realized the industry sucked and that the only
| things that matter to it are that which can be sacrificed at
| the altar of naked capitalism. That it is filled with a
| million idiots that all think they're right and are
| supervised by slovenly magpies that pour gas on whatever fire
| gets them the most KPI points with their superiors.
| whynotkeithberg wrote:
| Time you enjoy wasting is not time wasted.
|
| just because you feel work is the only thing that gives you
| purpose doesn't mean it's the only thing. Having material
| goods and producing material goods for others isn't the only
| purpose in life and a majority of people will not find true
| happiness out of this.
|
| It doesn't mean that laziness is the way to go, but viewing
| having hobby's that don't produce something as a bad thing is
| an awful outlook on life and just makes you a slave to
| others.
| Kletion wrote:
| I'm 32, wish often enough to not live, think about unfairness
| around the globe.
|
| I'm often enough dreading work.
|
| My work ethic is very high, it is my hobby and I'm really good
| at it.
|
| So if that's not being depressed, I'm just realistic?
| ZeroGravitas wrote:
| Could be both:
|
| https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depressive_realism
| victor9000 wrote:
| Try spending some time outdoors, things like kayaking or going
| car camping over a 3 day weekend. It really works wonders for me
| by giving me the space needed to reset my frame of thought when
| I'm in a slump.
| criveros wrote:
| Go to therapy. Quit and go backpacking. Have an affair or open up
| your relationship.
| DoreenMichele wrote:
| Look to your health. Persistent depression in spite of so much
| success plus therapy sounds to me like it has strong biological
| roots.
|
| Find them. Fix them.
| brudgers wrote:
| _All mortgages, car notes, and credit cards are paid off and our
| investments are enough_
|
| If a child tells you that is their ambition, they said it because
| they know you will like it.
|
| _I'm really only working for the health insurance._
|
| If a child tells you that is their ambition...
|
| _But I 've never been more unhappy and lost._
|
| You've checked all the boxes on some conventional checklist.
|
| Now you have the terrifying option of doing what you want.
|
| And now you have adult money to buy the metaphoric muscle car.
|
| Go off script and buy one.
|
| At forty-four you've just come up for air.
|
| Give yourself permission to start breathing again.
|
| Good luck.
| serg_chernata wrote:
| Happy birthday. Today I'm 33 and we sound eerily alike. I'll try
| to heed some advice from this thread and hope that I won't post
| the same thing in 11 years.
| noveltyaccount wrote:
| I'm currently reading the book _From Strength to Strength_ by
| Arthur C Brooks and it is really hitting home. I identify with
| everything you say, perhaps not as strongly, but I 've chased
| success and achievement my whole life. And now, in my early
| forties, I'm over it. Work dangles the carrot, and I don't care.
| I want to spend time with my family, focus on my hobbies and
| physical health, that I _time and again_ deprioritize in favor of
| working more. I mean, what if I wake up with a cancer diagnosis,
| or die in a car accident? I will look back at my life and say,
| what was the point of making all that money when I never _lived_?
| To that end I 'm about to take a sabbatical (possibly early
| retirement), but there's an internal head game that the book is
| helping me with. It's not enough to step off the treadmill
| without some awareness of why I was on it in the first place, the
| short version of which is: my ego likes being admired as a Very
| Successful Person(tm).
| raphar wrote:
| Do you have children?
|
| They can give you a wonderful focused sense of meaning. :)
| [deleted]
| jonmc12 wrote:
| Adopt the religion of biological age. ie, re-conceptualize your
| age as something that is correlated to your health, mortality and
| existential risk. Further its a number you have control to
| change. Exercising, eating healthier and learning more deeply
| about your body will give many options to feel better. The
| continued onslaught of scientific longevity advances will feel
| optimistic to your beliefs. Example:
| https://blueprint.bryanjohnson.co/
| p0wn wrote:
| To me it sounds like you've successfully dedicated your life to
| making money, but money is not a pursuit that brings any
| happiness. It seems like you need to find a purpose in life that
| isn't making money, having a wife, raising kids, etc. Some true
| self identity. Try new things until you find something new you
| want to master and pursue it. Make some time for it.
| mbreese wrote:
| My recommendation is to go out and do something physical. Doesn't
| matter what it is, but I chose running. If you're comfortable in
| your own head for a time, running works wonders. One of my
| friends did the same, but took up cycling. Either way, being able
| to go out and have 30+ minutes to yourself can really help work
| through things. It's not a replacement for anything you're
| currently doing, but it helped me. The key for me was
| consistency. I run a bit every day, no days off. The combination
| of physical activity with the quiet is mentally quite helpful for
| me. YMMV, but we're about the same age. Even just the physical
| benefit is worthwhile.
|
| I started out with small goals (run once a day for a week) and
| progressed from there, for two weeks, for a month, well, I made
| it this far, might as well keep going... let's run in a 10K... a
| marathon?!?! The point for me wasn't really to run in a race, but
| to have a goal -- something to work towards.
|
| I hope you find something that helps.
| alfor wrote:
| Your quests are all about money and success. Once you attain them
| you no longer have a rock to push up hill.
|
| You need something transcendent, a bigger goal that keep you
| engaged in live, something big enough that inspire you, that you
| might never complete.
|
| It could be art or technology or religion but I think it need to
| be something.
|
| I am a bit in the same doldrum. It look like you are a builder
| and might need something to build, to be productive to be happy.
|
| Also:
|
| -friends -wife -family -kids -job/career -hobby/fun activities
|
| Those are the normal component of life for 90% of people. Look to
| see if something simple is missing in the list, work on that.
| peter-m80 wrote:
| - go to the gym and do body building, it is super rewarding -
| play videogames. Ones you like. Also super rewarding
|
| These simpke things two helped me a lot... Also in my 40s
| artemonster wrote:
| You have to re-evaluate how you measure your self-worth. When all
| you have done in your life is climbing some imaginary ,,ladders"
| to ,,success", then suddenly you will feel empty, if you have no
| other ladder to climb on.
|
| And why do you think you have hit your zenith? Because you will
| not be able to redo the success that you have had and climb
| another ladder? But who have said that you should?
|
| Beware, NO wonder pill or wonder drug will suddenly make your
| life easier, because (I suppose!) the issue lies with the purpose
| of life, not with some other biological reason. What is the
| purpose then? Well, there were a lot of smart people trying to
| think about this topic, you can start by studying them.
| nvarsj wrote:
| I think you hit the nail on the head. A good therapist will
| point this out as well.
|
| The OP's entire self identity is wrapped up in their career -
| which explains, also, their great success. It's a common
| ailment in high pressure, high money industries, and especially
| common in tech. And now, the inevitable existential crisis when
| that is over - what now? They spent 20-30 years doing nothing
| but focusing on their job, and tying their self-worth to
| external validation.
|
| I think what a therapist would say is to focus on yourself
| rather than extrinsic rewards. You need to learn to be happy
| with yourself and not rely on validation of others or society
| to do that for you. Finding a hobby that gives you a lot of
| personal satisfaction is one approach.
| gxs wrote:
| OP is in therapy, where you learn various techniques to manage
| whatever specific issues you're encountering.
|
| What the meds do is make it easier to employ those techniques.
|
| So while there is no wonder pill that will solve your issues,
| in certain cases if used properly they will definitely help.
|
| I say this so that OP isn't discouraged from taking drugs
| because of comments of this variety that say true happiness
| comes from within - while it does, there are certainly things
| (like therapy and medication) that can at least put you on the
| right path. Like everything else, there can be a lot of trial
| and error to find the right ones.
| artemonster wrote:
| I see this as a pure existential crisis and for that you
| don't need medication (IMHO). A lot of personalities tie
| their self-worth to an external measure (like some sort of
| "success" or whatever) and that could work for almost your
| whole goddamn life, heck, people can become aggressively
| successful, feeding that trait, BUT until this external
| measure dissipates. In case of OP they have admitted that
| they won't be able to repeat this mode of success: maybe too
| old, too tired, whatever. Suddenly, this uncovers the
| original issue of tying your self-worth or finding your
| existential purpose in this process of having/doing X. If you
| are measuring some X, and, objectively X is good, but you
| measure shit and are unhappy, clearly, the problem lies
| within the measurement system :)
| gxs wrote:
| Fair enough, but by the same token OP mentioned that he is
| sure he is depressed.
|
| Depression can get in the way of finding joy in things,
| even things you once found joy in. This on top of other
| symptoms that can contribute to OPs feeling of dread so to
| speak, such as a lack of energy.
|
| In therapy, you learn techniques to learn to manage this,
| and meds can help with this. They can have a number of
| different effects, and some can definitely have a positive
| effect.
|
| Successfully managing symptoms can free up mind space to
| actually take action to alleviate the issue, such as your
| proposal to take inventory of what's actually important and
| carefully reanalyze and reassess how you're measuring
| success in life.
|
| I'll end this by making sure it's understood that I'm not
| saying you can find a magic potion that will cure all your
| woes. Rather, medication is one weapon in the arsenal that
| can sometimes work successfully.
|
| Anyway, this is all complicated and evaluated on a case by
| case basis, so I'm glad OP is actually in therapy.
| artemonster wrote:
| I completely agree with you on all points you've said,
| especially the last one.
| suction wrote:
| Rich people be quiet
| giantg2 wrote:
| I'm in my 30s and I know I've already peaked. On top of that, I
| never had the compensation like you talk of.
|
| What's wrong with being done at 40? Maybe move into some low
| paying job where you can coast and focus on non-work stuff. Maybe
| buy that muscle car and go to AutoX and track days (basically
| find a hobby with a community).
| carvking wrote:
| Find a real world problem that is causing real suffering and
| solve it.
|
| Think outside your field - make wave farms (electricity from
| ocean). Look at doing it totally underwater - there are rivers
| that run in the oceans.
|
| What about getting medicine to poor countries. The NGO's are not
| doing a good job.
| azth wrote:
| flax wrote:
| You don't have to work anymore. You won the game. You don't have
| to play anymore. Or, you can play the unstructured bonus content.
|
| I never got the appeal of open-world sandbox type games either.
|
| If I had what you had, I would just: 1) raise my kid 2) build
| stuff 3) write fiction 4) consume without guilt (media,
| restaurants, hobbies and gadgets, etc)
| snek_case wrote:
| I think in any rate there's something to be said for just
| taking a proper break for an entire year if needed. Why not
| take a year to just focus on raising the kids, sleeping in if
| you can, taking it slow and easy. The energy should come back
| if you give yourself time.
|
| I also agree that lifting weights is a very good idea, but
| don't stop seeing your therapist.
| some_furry wrote:
| If you've hit the zenith of your professional career, why not
| focus on hobbies and building up a community of people around
| you? Friends, friends-of-friends, etc.
|
| If you need inspiration, here's an introduction to my weird hobby
| and community: https://soatok.blog/2020/04/23/never-
| underestimate-the-furry...
|
| Also, pick up a copy of _The Happiness Hypothesis_ sometime.
| https://smile.amazon.com/Happiness-Hypothesis-Finding-Modern...
| meerita wrote:
| Have you tried a common trade? like bread baker, or something
| else? It may reward you more than tech
| codenlearn wrote:
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvH3lGUdcNM This video is by Noah
| Keagan, and he talks about a similar situation that you are in.
| Maybe this will help you. Wishing you the best.
| libx wrote:
| bradly wrote:
| I'm was/am in a very similar situation. At 39 I finished my
| career goals and was privileged enough to be financially secure
| without working, so I quit back in July.
|
| In November I started woodworking and it has been a great outlet.
| Reasons why I enjoy woodworking:
|
| - Somewhere to go/something to do. The saying `the devil will
| find work for idle hands to do` was real with me and the
| woodworking gave me purpose.
|
| - Something to learn. Don't let the YouTube videos fool you.
| Learning woodworking (or anything I would assume) take time and
| is hard. It will feel hard. But that's okay. Enjoy the process
|
| - I get to make things for people that brings me a lot of joy. A
| few weeks ago I was humbled with the task of creating an urn for
| my uncle. It was really special to give that to my cousin.
|
| In regards to mental health... I have dealt with moderate to
| sever depression most my life as well. I tried therapy, running,
| seven different meds with varying dosages of some and nothing
| seemed to work. The only thing that worked for me were ketamine
| treatments. I have not tried TMS so I don't know how they
| compare, but the ketamine was like a switch was flipped the first
| day. Life changing for me when I started almost two years ago
| now, even though effects have faded over time. It is expensive
| and I encourage you find someone with a care background and not a
| generic clinic, but it could be a good option for some people.
|
| My email is in my profile if you have any other questions.
| calimoro78 wrote:
| Feeling emphathetic. Per other comments, pls take my advice with
| a grain of salt.
|
| I am no way as successful as you are, and yet feel I have been in
| a midlife crisis every year of my life since I was 20. Now that
| the world sees you as successful, if you could just do what you
| wanted, regardless of everybody's opinion, what would you do?
| Where would you find energy and passion? Many of us follow what
| society tells us is success but we'd rather be fishing, writing
| poetry, daydreaming, be small-town pastry chefs just for the
| pleasure of it. If you could do something crazy that is a source
| of pleasure and joy, what would you do? Can you pursue it as a
| hobby, or a job (not needing some glorious long term goals)?
| wcfields wrote:
| Well, you did it. You get go choose whatever you want to do now.
| This goes for all of you on this site too that need to go touch
| grass.
|
| I'd like to think I'd take inspiration from Nick Stellino, a
| former Wall Street guy that made a ton of money and then decided
| to start over as a chef:
|
| "he had built a successful career as a stockbroker. Nick's Wall
| Street career was lucrative, but he realized something was
| missing. ... He decided to pursue a culinary career. ... With no
| formal experience, Nick was told he couldn't work as a chef. Not
| to be denied a job in the industry, he initially took a job as a
| dishwasher. He went on to apprentice with some of the best chefs
| in America. While working in the restaurant business, he realized
| that he wanted to share his enthusiasm for cooking with others
| and that a television cooking show would be the best way to do
| that." [1]
|
| I'm sure there's some embellishing here, but the point stands
| that you have unlimited options now to pursue what give you joy
| and purpose. Want to be a watchmaker working on antique Rolex
| timepieces? Starting an all organic bespoke wedding cake
| business? Running for City Comptroller in the next election?
|
| [1] https://www.nickstellino.com/about-nick/
| tartoran wrote:
| I think you're missing the point here. Depression is a bitch
| and it skews the perception of self and the world in hard to
| comprehend if one does not experience it themselves. And that
| comes with various degrees of severity where towards one end
| people just want out, they feel something unbearable.
|
| For a non sufferer of depression it makes a lot of sense to be
| happy that they reached a level where they can do whatever they
| want but with depression that desire ceases to exist.
| beepbooptheory wrote:
| Give your money away and start again.
| jskrablin wrote:
| Sports are generally good for resetting brain, settings some
| goals and keeping oneself in a good shape. Or think about stuff
| that interested you when you were younger and get a hobby or two
| going.
|
| I'd avoid taking medication unless it's really required - that
| can create problems someplace else.
|
| Re zenith and decline - body certainly start showing signs of
| decline past once past 40. You can fight it to a degree but you
| can't stop it or fix it.
| digisign wrote:
| Sounds like you completed your first plan. Having one is good,
| but not worth worrying about. We all live a short while, then
| wither away and die, if we're one of the lucky ones. Get used to
| it.
|
| Personally, I'd spend some portion of my time having fun. Then
| I'd spend another portion trying to improve the world and help
| those around me.
| mwcampbell wrote:
| > I feel like I've hit my zenith already and it's just a slow
| decline from here on out.
|
| I'm in my early 40s, and when I start to feel that way, I remind
| myself that Richard Hipp, lead developer of SQLite, didn't start
| to do what is indisputably his best work until he started
| developing SQLite 3 in his 40s. So your best work might still be
| ahead of you.
| 0815throw wrote:
| I'm surprised by the number of people suggesting having children.
|
| Don't do it.
|
| Having children won't bring stability. Children won't provide
| your life a point or purpose, children will cause your life to
| have more chores and stress.
|
| And think of the poor child when it asks you why did you have me:
| "because I was feeling lost and wanted a purpose".
| debacle wrote:
| Maybe you have hit your zenith, but there is no shame in that. It
| doesn't preclude you from accomplishing more tomorrow.
|
| Medical intervention can be helpful short-term, but long-term you
| want to look at what satisfies you. Fast forward yourself to 55,
| and think to your self "Wow, I'm really impressed with myself
| that I did $x." And then get to doing $x.
| goatcode wrote:
| There are probably a lot of parameters to a solution that will
| work for you. Having had similar periods in my life, while I'm
| waiting for a resolution I've always found small physical
| projects that I see through to completion to be a great way to
| wait. When you complete something, it provides something positive
| to you, neurologically and thereby emotionally.
|
| It may seem silly, but at least for me, tilling a new garden,
| building a small physical thing, doing some task that's
| physically taxing and I can see through has been great while
| waiting for the end of my larger difficulty. It won't solve all
| your problems, as implied above, but it could be a good stop gap
| while you're looking for solutions. Your therapist (or a new one
| if this one doesn't work out) could provide long-term solutions
| I'd hope.
|
| You're not alone, friend. You will get there -- I've done it a
| number of times (though in my case, without the money part
| figured out; well done in that regard!).
| todd8 wrote:
| Everyone is different. I can't say what will work for you, but
| don't forget to exercise, preferably outdoors. I started jogging
| because I was feeling down; a friend called and asked me if I
| wanted to train for a marathon with her. I didn't think that was
| feasible, but she convinced me and I started jogging. I trained
| with a running group that was made up of a large number of
| beginners like myself along with some good runners thrown in.
|
| I started by running one mile, not too fast the first group
| meeting. I settled into running with other beginners like myself.
| As time passed, I would run about four days a week. One run every
| week slowly grew longer and longer and the other three runs
| stayed about the same sorter distance for my entire 8 or so
| months of training. It turned out it wasn't too difficult with an
| organization that set our courses and suggested runs.
|
| I ended up losing weight and being in the best shape in my life
| at 50 years old, and I slept well every night. Importantly, it
| really changed my mood and _I felt great_. I had made new
| friends, had time to reflect on things while running, and had the
| satisfaction of reaching goals. At 55, I ran a qualifying time
| that allowed me to run in the Boston marathon.
|
| I have had other friends that despised running; they took up
| swimming or biking. All of these can produce positive effects.
| vikR0001 wrote:
| You've done it all in terms of family/work/money. The next
| achievement to unlock may be creating a work of art. Take a look
| at my site that documents what a real work of art is and let me
| know if it speaks to you in any way -
| http://www.vikrubenfeld.com/category/art-talk/
| beej71 wrote:
| Maybe you have hit your zenith for that stuff in particular.
|
| Things are exciting while you're getting all the wins of the low-
| hanging fruit. But then the wins get harder and farther between,
| and familiarity breeds contempt, and after a while I don't want
| to put in the effort for the next win. In that field.
|
| So I switched fields. Now I'm an educator. And holy shit, it's
| something to step out of a decades-long developer career where
| you have a pretty good handle on it into a field that's radically
| different and you know nothing.
|
| For me, it was a fresh start. I proudly look back on my time in a
| megacorp, my time in a dot-com startup, my time working in a AAA
| game studio, my time as an independent contractor, my time in the
| business I cofounded... Good times. Worth it. But now, tiresome
| to think about continuing.
|
| Luckily I've entered the new world of education, with so much to
| learn, and so much to explore, and so many new ideas that are
| with pursuing, and so many challenges. I'll probably never write
| software for hire again, and that's fine with me. I got my own
| stuff to work on, and it keeps me plenty busy.
|
| Two more things:
|
| For me, 50 was the hard birthday. Can't pretend you're 39
| anymore. But on the plus side, some liberation comes with that.
| You don't need to pretend you're 39 anymore. Let that wisdom show
| through.
|
| Anecdotally, some people have had success with shrooms for
| finding their way. Not saying that would be you, and I'm no
| expert, and everybody's different, but it might be worth some
| investigation.
| mlyle wrote:
| https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31030254
|
| We should connect. ;)
| telesilla wrote:
| Heartedly agree. Started teaching and there is something
| magical about interacting on a different level completely than
| with work colleagues. I'm learning as much as I teach, the
| result will be a simple book based on my lectures as over time
| they start to coalesce with a clear idea of who I am and what I
| want to leave behind in the world.
|
| I teach in a way that doesn't interrupt much my 'day job', so
| it leaves a lot of opportunity to weave the energy back into my
| work.
| devwastaken wrote:
| To me it sounds that you've put your career first, and now that
| you've essentially beaten that game you're lost on what to do
| next. A lot of engineers switch to doing other things they like,
| an ex Microsoft dev made their own winery using their skills. A
| number of them just work on pet projects. Or a lot of people
| transition more into their community. - is there a high school or
| people to mentor? In education especially in rural areas it's
| hard to come by people with experience.
|
| Travel, meet people, enjoy good food, do drift racing, life is
| what you want out of it.
| mettamage wrote:
| 33 here, going through a (smaller) quarter/mid-life crisis
| myself. I'm just gonna throw out some stuff, I hope the input
| might bring you to an interesting thought.
|
| - Start a school for behavioral drugs. Mimic MDMA through
| behavior (a mix of meditation/hugging/dancing might do?), mimic
| adrenaline through behavior (easy: wim hof method maps one to
| one), mimic shrooms through behavior (one line I want to research
| here is: 14 day darkness retreats). It'd be cool if we could just
| mimic it all with our bodies, I think it's possible.
|
| - Start a SpaceX competitor. You think you can do it? What can
| you do? Think 10x bigger, where does it start to break in your
| mind, why?
|
| - If you don't have kids, try to do what Laszlo Polgar did and
| raise geniuses in a particular field while giving them a well-
| rounded life/education.
|
| - Start teaching people and do your best to shape a city to
| become a better city.
|
| I know these aren't the answers for you. Some are in the right
| direction for me (I call myself mettamage for a reason). But I do
| hope the give you somewhat of an inspirational thought that can
| help you.
|
| If you're looking for more composed answers, the other comments
| seem really helpful :)
| leros wrote:
| Are you wealthy enough to not work now?
|
| I ask because there is a lot more to life than working and it
| sounds like there might be a few work related things going on:
|
| 1) You don't need to work anymore for money
|
| 2) You've wildly succeeded in your career and may never top those
| experiences
|
| 3) Given your work success, I wonder if maybe you're a workaholic
| or that work is too large a part of your life
|
| Any of those ring a bell?
| royaltjames wrote:
| There's this weird part of getting older, where the world doesn't
| feel so exciting and mysterious anymore. 35 for me is a great age
| to be lost. 44 is a great age as well. I am broke going to the
| foodbank right now and my world is so small and simple that it
| feels manageable. Went from 7 figures to this. I'm looking for
| work and some time soon I know i'll experience lift to my quality
| of life. I have recent chronic pain (physical and mental).
|
| It all shifts when we share. Sometimes the hardest/most elusive
| part is acceptance but in that recognition, momentum builds.
|
| I'm rooting for you!
| leesec wrote:
| Just a suggestion but if you were gonna try Ketamine I would
| probably try MDMA or like 1.5-2g mushrooms first. Both can shake
| up the funk in your brain and get you to reassess life, Ketamine
| has mostly made me lay there in a daze.
| roorbackcolors wrote:
| Might not be helpful but you're not the only one. I'm in a very
| similar position; there are some details that are different but
| otherwise I could have written exactly what you wrote, and the
| gist is the same.
|
| Over time I do think I've gained some perspective on how I
| started feeling this way and what led me to make some decisions.
| Basically I just felt like my career was taking a lot, and I
| wasn't really getting what I wanted, even though it was
| successful in important ways. Critically, I felt like the choices
| I was making to maintain it started affecting my spouse and child
| in important ways, and whoever I went to -- family, friends,
| colleagues, they didn't really help, just told me to basically
| sit tight and not fret, which wasn't helpful. I think that was
| the final straw really; if it hadn't been affecting them as well
| I would have just kept with things the way they were.
|
| What I didn't realize at the time that's taken me a few years to
| recognize is that my local environment was really the problem.
| The place I was at really changed, and became really
| dysfunctional in important ways. In hindsight, there are things I
| would have done differently, but at the time I couldn't see how
| to do them, no one was suggesting them, when I tried to do them,
| it didn't work, and people I know who had tried to do them also
| weren't successful. I think I attributed to my field of work
| problems that were especially bad where I was at, and not as bad
| in other places.
|
| To be honest, as I've recognized what was happening I've only
| grown more hopeless, and also angry because I feel like there are
| really simple things that would have made a world of difference,
| and I find myself wondering why no one around was doing any of
| them. At the time I beat myself up about them, or found myself
| "done" with it, but in retrospect I realize how easily so much of
| it could have gone differently. It was the perfect storm in
| important ways.
|
| Friends, colleagues, and family tend to either criticize me for
| not just "sticking" with it, and/or express admiration for not
| putting up with it, but then implore me to "move forward" but the
| avenues I've explored haven't worked, and no one has any idea
| what "moving forward" actually means in a practical sense. Others
| basically tell me to just change my goals or priorities, or just
| appreciate what I have (which is a lot in important ways) but to
| me it comes across as minimizing things -- which was 75% of what
| I was upset with in others before -- or as telling me to lie to
| myself, which I can't do.
|
| I tried professional help. The therapist that I got along with
| was one of the only people to tell me to just try something
| different at the time this all started, which I did, and at this
| point, like you, something like ketamine or psychedelics has
| crossed my mind (probably the latter because if nothing else it's
| an experience that I've always been curious about). But to me
| this all seems to miss the point at some level, which is feeling
| boxed in or typecast by my past or something.
|
| Anyway, I'm not sure if anything I've said is helpful. But you're
| not alone. I think the best advice I've gotten is to think about
| what it is you really want at this point, and to keep swinging at
| opportunities in that direction as best you can, and to keep in
| mind that hope sometimes means believing there's a solution when
| you don't know what it is. Sometimes I have to remind myself that
| I have the benefit of trying things out.
| txdm wrote:
| I don't know how much time you need to work, but it might be good
| to try donating some time to a cause that matters to you, no
| matter how small.
| darepublic wrote:
| Sorry to hear that. Depression can come and go. I hope you can
| look back at this point in your life at a future time and you can
| tell the story of how you moved into not feeling depressed
| formerkrogemp wrote:
| Try joining a charity or volunteering. If you're good with kids,
| try CASA. As others have said exercise really helps. My friend
| made a huge turnaround in his mental health when he stopped tying
| his self-worth to money and gaming. He took up speed dating, Jiu
| jitsu, and weight training. He seems happier now. Try going on a
| hike or staying in a cabin somewhere. Some quiet and greenery can
| do wonders for mental health. Best of luck, and I hope you're
| feeling better soon.
| RajT88 wrote:
| Focus on hobbies to geek out on.
|
| Ideally one should be exercise. Cardio, lifting, whatever.
|
| Rest and vest. Enjoy your time with your family.
|
| That's all I have. Hope it is enough!
| wooque wrote:
| Donate, volunteer, get involved in the community, world does not
| revolve around you and you are in age where you should give start
| giving back.
| throw8383833jj wrote:
| Lookup a mystic by the name of "Sadhguru" on youtube and watch
| his videos, also check out jason gregory. It's totally eye
| opening and life changing. You NEED this.
|
| I can't possibly explain it all in one post. but, to give you a
| hint: everything we strive for in the outside world is all for
| naught. At the end of the day, what matters is your internal
| state of mind, how you process inputs. we keep trying to
| rearrange the outside world, as if the outside world was a
| representation of our minds.
| frontman1988 wrote:
| Sadhguru is literally a fraud who swindles people in the name
| of religion. If he really cared about spreading his teachings,
| he wouldn't be taking thousands of rupees for his isha yoga
| courses. Ironically he's right now biking across two continents
| to spread awareness about pollution.
| DOsinga wrote:
| I dunno if Sadhguru is the best guide when it comes to
| depression: https://www.altnews.in/depression-the-myths-
| falseness-of-sad...
| shasts wrote:
| Oh, please. Sadhguru is a politician who talk pseudoscience and
| a tool of current Indian Government.
|
| https://scroll.in/article/927625/opinion-the-disturbing-irra...
| throw8383833jj wrote:
| Look, I'm not saying everyone will agree with everything he
| says/teaches and you don't have to. He's asked about
| literally everything and he's no expert on Everything nor
| does he claim to be.
|
| But, his core teachings are truly fundamental to all human
| beings. His core teachings are not about
| pseudoscience/politics, it's about how we maintain our state
| of mind and how we see the world around us, something the
| author of the post is severely struggling with.
| gremlinsinc wrote:
| Find something to be passionate about... I'm feeling the same as
| you but because I am finding it hard to drag myself to look for
| freelance clients and I'm really needing cash because of feet-
| dragging for so long.
|
| Email me if you'd like to 'hitch' to my dreams (2 of them, see
| below).
|
| 1. ERP for Co-ops, and Unions of Co-ops. I'd like to start a
| worker co-op and build ERP software for unions, co-ops,
| syndicates of unions/co-ops. Think normal ERP software but with
| systems for managing 'points' which are polymorphic as in there
| could be 1 or multiple pools of points, points could be earned
| for volunteer hours at charities, worked, or even from consumers
| who purchase x amount of dollars, etc...
|
| Additionally the points can be used for profit-sharing, mutual
| aid, voting on issues that are open to public or workers or both,
| and voting points could be weighted. Maybe a jr dev gets .25
| votes, a senior .5, and add .1 for each year of tenure. Execs
| start out with 5 votes maybe, so there's still a visionary leader
| or projects/companies.
|
| The ERP software will be something not just for the union/co-op
| model of business but it'll be unique in having that option.
| It'll also be open to anyone wanting to run basically any
| business with parts of the app having all the stuff to start/run
| Shopify-like business, Affiliate programs, Restaurants with
| online-ordering, Delivery and Transportation businesses (Uber +
| Uber eats), etc.
|
| End goal: Democratize creating businesses and encourage employee-
| owned companies which pay higher, keep more money locally, and
| are better at self-policing than an exclusively profit-motivated
| company.
|
| 2. Offgrid Intentional Community / Ecovillage
|
| - Buy land between Grand Canyon and Zion National Park. - Build
| glamping camp w/ 20% of land, rent each of 10 sites out for
| $100-200/night. - Sell slots for people to build their own home
| or bring a tiny-home to live, or rent out. - Build common areas:
| Commercial kitchen, warehouse, office space etc. Entire community
| can check things out of the warehouse, it's like a library of
| everything from tools to powertools, to vacuums, and even atv's
| and rv's (eventually). Office space can be used by scheduling it
| out, or maybe create enough for all residents to basically have
| their own cubicle so they can store desktops/etc. - Build
| recreational areas: frisbee golf, rock-climbing wall, outdoor
| theater, horse shoe pits. - Build a community farm. - Build solar
| array for electricity, and huge rain-water capture systems and
| reservoirs to hold the water. - Have a 'maker space' with 3d
| printers, and other diy tools and projects to build. - Network w/
| other communities to run glamping camps for them, and create a
| network of camps that anyone living in network of communities can
| use for free when traveling. So - say you go to disneyworld and
| there's a community nearby you could stay there and just pay for
| park passes. - Build homes from earthbags or eco-friendly methods
| if possible, earthships would be even better I think. - Create
| software to manage everything needed for the community to thrive,
| and sell that to other communities, or give it to 'syndicated'
| communities that are part of our network.
|
| I believe heavily in the idea of creating networks or syndicates
| of people working together to basically provide common things for
| those with less and lift up those with less skills/etc so
| everyone can provide value, and become bigger and better. I'm 42,
| myself and also probably going through a mid-life crisis.
| Whenever I think about my dream projects my fog of depression
| lifts and I see clearly, and if I had money to focus 100% on
| either I'd do that right now. It'd be nice to have people to work
| w/ as well though to help build the things.
|
| Technically it all plays together as a master plan to create
| stronger worker, consumer, and housing co-ops.
| - Housing because more housing supply via cheap diy earthbag
| homes, could put a dent in the housing crisis. - Worker
| co-ops because companies ran for profit-only motives are evil.
| Look at dupont for an example. Because of them every living
| creature on earth has PFAS (Forever chemicals) in their gut.
| A co-op though would be more open, and democratic and still
| motivated for profits because everybody gets dividends based on
| their points earned, and can vote on the way the company is ran
| or managed, and the money would also go to mutual-aid projects to
| help people in the network (consumers, workers, housing co-op
| members) - Consumer - because giving buyers mutual aid
| opportunities by being loyal customers keeps them loyal,
| encourages them to refer more business, and helps them when
| they're on hard times.
| maxdemarzi wrote:
| Get your Testosterone checked in the early morning two times
| (about a week apart). If you are under 300 both times, go see a
| Urologist for treatment. It could be your hormones.
| kilroy123 wrote:
| Not only that but general health. Diet. Exercise. Sleep.
|
| But I agree he should get his testosterone checked.
| gbjw wrote:
| Happy Birthday!
| arisAlexis wrote:
| Existential posts are the majority on reddit r/fatfire, check it
| out and the answers
| to0414throwaway wrote:
| John 10:10-11 (Jesus speaking) "...I came that they may have life
| and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd
| lays down his life for the sheep."
|
| John 6:27 (Jesus speaking) "Do not work for the food that
| perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which
| the Son of Man (Jesus) will give to you. For on him God the
| Father has set his seal."
|
| I'm sorry for your pain. God loves you. Seek Him with all your
| heart, whether you are in therapy or not, and he will open your
| eyes through his word and his Holy Spirit. His word is in the
| Bible.
| lizarddd wrote:
| The world can't satisfy the human soul. You're having an
| Ecclesiastes moment. Therapists are secular pseudo-preists and
| can't solve a problem of meaning when they can only work within
| an a-teleological paradigm. I'd recommend the book "Nihilism, the
| Root of the Revolution of the Modern Age" by Fr. Seraphim Rose,
| an Eastern Orthodox convert who went on to co-found a monastery
| in California. There are pdfs and epubs available online, as well
| as an audiobook on YouTube.
|
| If you look for meaning you'll find what you're looking for, and
| not in an arbitrary intellectually dishonest way either like the
| evangelicals etc do
| bitxbitxbitcoin wrote:
| You can find feedback from others in your situation at
| reddit.com/r/fatfire
| justajot wrote:
| I see you.
|
| There is a lot of advice being giving here. What works for one
| person may work for another, and frankly, it may not.
|
| You already have the wisdom required to live a fulfilling life
| within. Truly believing this and discovering this wisdom is often
| not easy, as it appears you have already discovered.
|
| All I can say is that the process of deeply getting to know
| myself has been a lot of work and absolutely worth it for me.
| It's a journey that I feel I will be on for the rest of my life.
| And it's f*cking wonderful.
|
| I'm a developer as well, and a relatively new coach, though I'm
| not currently practicing due to other prior commitments. Therapy
| is wonderful. So is coaching. Both can go hand in hand.
|
| Feel free to reach out to me if you'd like to have a deeper
| conversation (same username on Twitter).
| pwillia7 wrote:
| What did the beginning of the journey to know yourself look
| like? What did you do or think about to kickstart that?
| antattack wrote:
| "I feel like I've hit my zenith already and it's just a slow
| decline from here on out. I've been dreading this day because
| it's a sad reminder of that."
|
| Yes, it's very likely that you have hit your local maxima. You've
| been preparing for this day and the day came. It maybe worth
| noting to oneself that it did not turn out the way you predicted
| and perhaps identify, if possible, causes that your prediction
| was so off. Considering that you subconsciously believed that
| your life will be short, perhaps there were things you did not
| like in your life that you have compromised upon or negative
| feelings suppressed that contribute to feeling unhappy?
| hdqwqe wrote:
| natch wrote:
| self-ageism
| quadcore wrote:
| Can you tell about the time you were the most happy in your life?
| mactavish88 wrote:
| I'd consider your history to be rather successful, and while I
| wouldn't consider myself nearly as successful I do feel like I
| can relate on many levels.
|
| What got me through the depression that ensues in what I think
| was also a "mid-life crisis" was the perspective offered by James
| Hollis in his book: "The Middle Passage: From misery to meaning
| in midlife".
|
| https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/47849.The_Middle_Passage
|
| These sorts of crises come along at various points in our lives
| apparently, when something new starts brewing within that finds
| itself at odds with the outer structures in our lives.
| Unfortunately we don't have very good societal
| structures/processes to assist people through these difficult
| times, but I feel that an understanding of the underlying
| psychological dynamics within oneself that give rise to this
| conflict can ease the suffering induced by these times of
| transition.
|
| And it is genuine suffering. Make no mistake. Part of you needs
| to die and be renewed. It's also not something to numb or shy
| away from, but to work through. Just as building your life
| "before" was a project, or series of projects, so is this task of
| moving through this difficult time, riddled with paradoxes and
| contradictions.
| MathYouF wrote:
| At the end of the day we're all monkeys who have been
| biologically incentivized, since the first cell to ever exist, to
| survive long enough to pass on our genes.
|
| As Dawkins covers in The Selfish Gene, sometimes this can
| manifest in abstract ways, like helping pass your genes by
| supporting your nieces age nephews (or even more abstractly,
| helping humans in general live on). You haven't mentioned
| anything in your life that is involved in helping create the next
| generation of humans.
|
| In fact, you've mainly mentioned your journey has been
| materialistic, and even your solutions seem related to chemicals.
| Maybe the game you're even trying to play is what's inherently
| depressing.
|
| My advice would be to a part of the world where people are
| suffering and try to help them, that'd likely give you the
| fulfilment and perspective you need.
| dajonker wrote:
| There are people suffering everywhere, no matter where you are
| in the world, you never need to travel far to find people who
| are way worse off than you.
| Maxburn wrote:
| Fortunately you are in an excellent position to be able to just
| stop everything and think long and hard on what will make you
| happy.
|
| Myself personally and I imagine a lot of other people out there
| are in the same boat, minus the money to be able to stop and
| reflect.
|
| Make some changes. Maybe some will be the wrong ones, fine, keep
| doing it.
| jconley wrote:
| Justin Kan talks a lot about this same situation in his own life.
| Check out his YouTube [0] if you haven't already. I bet if you
| reached out he would talk to you as well...
|
| [0] One example: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rIL5vHoF34
| shamiln wrote:
| Happy Birthday to both of us :)
| WYepQ4dNnG wrote:
| Man you should enjoy your life. You have no idea how fortunate
| you are, and here you are feeling unhappy. I don't get it. People
| out there really struggle to get by day-by-day. I am sorry, but I
| can't feel sorry for you.
| gizajob wrote:
| Because everybody suffers. Everybody.
|
| It sounds like he's had the idea that if he flogs himself
| working hard, then there will be a payoff, and having done that
| for 25+ years, the result of his hard work is that it's brought
| him to a point that logistically and financially has left him
| secure and settled, but nevertheless has not delivered the
| expectation that the end point of hard work would be
| contentment. Now his complete lack of deep and meaningful
| contentment has left him feeling empty and he's now suffering
| because of that.
| WYepQ4dNnG wrote:
| I am close to be financially independent. But I wish I was
| already. I have so much stuff to do, traveling, spending time
| with my family. Not having to worry about your day-to-day
| will lift so much burden and bs. I just can't understand how
| people who have already made it, struggle with finding
| purpose in life.
|
| As we type on this keyboard, children out there in world are
| dying starving, or because of some war .. and here we are
| wining.
|
| My grand father spent his youth fighting in a fck war! And
| after that he spent years working in a foreign country, to
| provide the means for his family to survive.
|
| I can't possible empathize with this guy, I am sorry.
|
| Get your s*t together and be grateful for what you have.
| gizajob wrote:
| Report back to us once you're independent and secure.
|
| You're right - it doesn't seem to make sense that we suffer
| with all kinds of problems when there are more important
| things happening. But nevertheless, we still suffer all the
| time, and a lack of contentment at our core at a time of
| peace can be such a reason for suffering. In the midst of a
| war, life is heightened, and so there's no time for this
| more superficial level of dissatisfaction to emerge. But
| nevertheless, I can't imagine that you'd suggest to OP to
| go and fight as a mercenary in Ukraine as a way of
| relieving what he's finding difficult.
| neilk wrote:
| Caveat: this here website has about as much chance as giving you
| good advice as a post on a motorcycle or knitting forum. Maybe
| even less likely as people here are likely to share your
| pathologies. If you want above-average advice, you should be
| talking to qualified therapists.
|
| I do note some interesting things about how you present your
| problem. You devoted an entire paragraph to your success and
| comfort. And in passing you mention that for a long time you've
| been rather morbid about your personal prospects past middle age.
| For someone who wants to talk about their depression, you'd think
| the emphasis there should be reversed.
|
| I'm not saying you're bragging, I just think this indicates some
| potentially distorted thinking. Which is a huge opportunity for
| getting you out of this mess.
|
| Some questions you might want to raise with a therapist: why did
| you think you'd be dead past 40 and why did you embrace that
| idea? Why do you present "the Wife" as the only opposition to
| that? You use a trope almost like your wife disapproves of you
| indulging in a vice, like trips to Vegas, but we're talking about
| the literal end of your existence.
|
| I guarantee you'll discover interesting things, especially if
| your therapist uses processes like CBT and ACT, which are all
| about debugging your thoughts and assumptions. Also, some advice:
| lots of people call themnselves therapists or counselors, but
| I've found that those with advanced degrees are much better than
| not.
| stopcomplain wrote:
| Stop complaining. I am the same age as you, plus or minus a year.
| I am homeless, destitute, and broke. No assets at all, no
| retirement at all. Not even a car, or even a bicycle. I don't
| have a bank account. I was top of my class in (engineering major
| at a t{1,2} uni). Failed startup, sabotaged startup, victim of
| crimes and false criminal accusations. Now, no wife, no future. I
| fight suicidal urges constantly and keep a method handy in case
| things get bad enough. My means to survive are limited to none,
| and my future is bleak.
|
| I write this comment to you from a public library with no clean
| clothes, food stamps that will run out well before they refill, a
| disability that cannot be properly treated, and a totally ruined
| career trajectory.
|
| Stop fucking complaining. Cherish what you have. Focus on your
| physical health. Go walk 10 miles a day -- EVERY DAY -- for a
| year. Yes, that is over 3,500 miles. Get good shoes and stretch
| often; eat clean. Flush those damn meds in the process. Then
| report back.
| webmaven wrote:
| I'm a lot closer to your situation than the OP, and you're
| right, it sucks. But don't be so harsh, I'm pretty sure that if
| I was in the OP's shoes I'd have to deal with similar
| challenges.
|
| Scrabbling after the means for survival isn't any more or less
| noble than scrabbling after meaning in one's life. One is
| merely a prerequisite for the other.
| joeman1000 wrote:
| I get messed up by the same thoughts, OP. It always lingers in
| the back of my mind, extra pressure that I don't need. "You're
| going to die one day, better not waste your time", I tell myself.
| It may comfort you to know that I've been doing this to myself
| for my whole adult life! The only thing that makes me feel better
| is knowing the absolute truth on the matter: that every single
| person in existence is ageing at the same rate as me. One single
| day at a time. No one is immune to it, and we all edge towards
| death in lockstep. Somehow it's comforting to know I'm not alone
| in mortality. I don't want to die, or decline, but there is no
| way around it.
|
| Does this all sound morbid? How old do you think I am? One year
| is a long time to have these thoughts linger, let alone a few
| decades. It's a pathological issue, something that doesn't have
| any positive effects on the way you function. My grandfather is
| coming up to his 80s, his wife died while they were in their 60s.
| His salvation has been in the form of work. He has not stopped
| working and has stayed active. I worked with him on construction
| sites, him 73 and I 21. His speed, grit, determination and
| directness of action made me pale in comparison. He is a rich
| man, and doesn't need to labour on his own projects. He does it
| to beat lethargy and morbid thinking. He is slowing down, but
| still oversees his large commercial developments in our region.
|
| Simplified: too much free time will give us opportunity to linger
| on dark thoughts. My pop is one of the calmest men I know. He
| doesn't stress about things, and he is constantly active. I think
| it is related.
|
| I wish you the best of luck, OP. These are difficult thoughts to
| grapple with. I hope you find solace.
| Shorel wrote:
| Covid lockdown was a terrible time for me as well.
|
| In my country, the lockdown was total, for months the only reason
| I left the home was to buy groceries.
|
| What saved my mental health was, surprisingly, simracing.
|
| Not so much the activity of simracing, but more than that, for
| the people I met along the way, some of whom I consider now my
| best friends.
|
| The feeling of belonging to something is wonderful, and I can
| argue is much better than any pills you can get.
| gregorymichael wrote:
| 42. Experiencing some of the same stuff. Don't have answers, but
| happy to listen. Contact in bio.
| spatulaorama wrote:
| In the same boat. Email in profile if you need to vent.
| gwlperl wrote:
| Sounds like you have the means to just pack up and do some
| serious travel. _serious_ travel.
| animex wrote:
| I too have probably peaked out (zenith) but I look fondly back at
| what I accomplished. I made mistakes, I wish I had behaved
| differently, but I regard the past as my life and I couldn't
| really have had it any other way. I take solace in mentoring and
| helping others achieve the next step in their journeys.
| thomasmarriott wrote:
| No More Worlds to Conquer: Sixteen People Who Defined Their Time
| - And What They Did Next by Chris Wright
| codpiece wrote:
| I just picked this up, thank you for the recommendation.
| nackerhewz wrote:
| You suffer from nihilism. Study philosophy, particularly that
| what is concerned with "meaning".
| tenebrisalietum wrote:
| > I feel like I've hit my zenith already and it's just a slow
| decline from here on out.
|
| Is "zenith" defined in terms of what other people what? Then
| you've been a slave your whole life. What do _you_ want to do?
| AlphaGeekZulu wrote:
| I have my own theory about the mid-life crisis.
|
| Average life expectancy in the 18th century was around 30 years
| and certainly not much different in the thousands of years
| before. It just exploded to our modern values in the last 150 or
| so years. Germany introduced old age insurance in the year 1889,
| applying at age 70, where the average life expectancy was only
| 40.
|
| I am convinced: when the members of our species used to pass away
| between 30 and 40 over a duration of some hundreds of thousands
| years (more or less after the reproduction and upbringing phase)
| that is somehow built into our minds and cultural awareness and
| souls and bodies (and probably genes). We are aware of our life
| expectancy and are scheduling our lives accordingly - on a
| subconscious level - according to our biological legacy, not
| today's statistical figures.
|
| But now we turn 40, and we don't die. We go on for another 40 to
| 60 years, but there is no plan for that time in our souls.
|
| In my believe, the mid-life crisis is actually an end-life
| crisis. It was for me, 15 years ago. I had no urge to buy a
| muscle car or look after younger women or whatever is considered
| typical for the mid-life crisis (but it might be one quite
| logical model to just start over with life if it doesn't end as
| unconsciously expected)!
|
| In my case, I developed a very strong feeling, that I have lived
| my life, found my love, fathered two lovely children, seen some
| nice parts of the earth, liked my work, made my errors, had my
| woes and that if faith would hit me here and now and I would die
| of illness or accident, that would actually be ok. This feeling
| was not depressive at all and absolutely not suicidal! Just
| accepting, that what one would expect from life has been granted
| and from here on, everything else is an addon or a reward. My
| wife and my kids do not like me talking like this as well. It
| makes them afraid, that I might be tired of life.
|
| But I am not. I still have a million ideas and plans for the
| future. But I realized with 45 that I will only fulfill a small
| fraction of them, no matter how old I will get. I made peace with
| it. I am not so driven any more, and less afraid of death and
| both are good things.
|
| Everything you describe makes complete sense for me! Try to
| project it into my model of the end-life crisis: our species
| knows what to do until we are 40. After that, we have to invent
| ourselves anew. That is why you feel lost. You are! Accept the
| challenge, try something different, do not fall for mid-life
| crisis cliches and do not hurt your beloved ones on the way!
| frontman1988 wrote:
| Average age was less due to high infant mortality rate. A lot
| of people did end up living in their 60's and 70's
| AlphaGeekZulu wrote:
| This sort of ruins my theory :-(
| eljimmy wrote:
| There's so much to do in life, why not find a completely new
| skill to master? Or if you've got so much free time - consider
| becoming a teacher. It is arguably the most important profession
| that exists in our world and knowing you are shaping the future
| through the education of others might address your lack of self-
| direction.
| jvalencia wrote:
| One of the hardest lessons I've been learning is that I need to
| "choose" what I want to be and then do it. When the
| responsibility fades a bit after hectic decades, it can feel
| pretty empty. Do you want to become really awesome at DnD,
| woodcrafting, body building, church service, etc?
|
| Pick 1 or 2 and double down. Choose what you want to become and
| give yourself a goal rather than inheriting one.
| throwawayboise wrote:
| Quit work for at least a while. You can afford it. Get involved
| in giving back or helping the less fortunate. Whether it's
| tutoring disadvantaged kids, or helping the elderly, or getting
| involved in some other charity that resonates with you, giving
| back will help you feel like you're doing something meaningful.
| You don't have to give all your money away, just start with
| contributing your time.
|
| I'm not saying it's the case for everyone, but depression can be
| a signal that you need to make a change in your life.
| dboreham wrote:
| People who are not lost are probably delusional.
|
| First thing to recommend if you haven't already is to become a
| student of psychology. YouTube is pretty helpful with this. Some
| insight into what your brain firmware is up to and why you feel
| one way or another can be useful. Probably drop the therapist
| since this was their job and they appear to have failed.
|
| It may be that your self worth has been bound up in ascending a
| ramp of mastery. This works well until around your age which is
| the point where you've pretty much learned everything. The ramp
| flattened out and now your self-worth is abating as a result. If
| that's the case, adding new mastery challenges "just because" can
| help. Learn how to weld. Buy a bulldozer. Figure out
| Representation Theory. Doesn't matter what it is, only needs to
| be something your brain recognizes as difficult and it doesn't
| have to be work-related.
|
| This also may simply pass with time. Once you're 10 years past
| the point of learning and understanding and doing everything,
| it's less of a big deal. In other words there isn't the
| continuous decline you perceive coming. More like a flat plateau.
| collaborative wrote:
| Perhaps you've focused too much on you? Would focusing on others
| help?
|
| I'd also say, stay away from anything that gives you visibility.
| You might like it for the wrong reasons. Low key might do it
| kyleblarson wrote:
| Do you play golf? This question sounds flippant but in all
| seriousness I took it back up after a long hiatus a couple years
| back (I'm the same age as you) and it has been completely
| cathartic and stress relieving. I find it to be like a walking
| meditation. I often play as a single and meet great people, have
| great conversations and generally have a great time.
| garrickvanburen wrote:
| There's something to be said for a hobby that gets you outside,
| alone, with occasional moments to intently focus on the
| activity.
| nh23423fefe wrote:
| > thinking about trying Ketamine
|
| Do it. I just did psilocybin for the first time last autumn. It
| was life changing. Im 37. I didn't learn anything new, but I felt
| really different and that was the _real_ truth. That I really
| could just feel different and still be me. I guess it was a
| perspective on my life that I knew but hadn 't felt.
| subpixel wrote:
| Allow me to tell you what I would consider doing if I were, as
| you are, pretty much set financially. Maybe this will be of use
| to you.
|
| - buy and renovate a house in my town for my mother to live in as
| often as she is able to (she lives far away, with a separate
| family)
|
| - take my mother to the country her family emigrated from, for a
| nice long trip
|
| - spend a year in the country my wife is from, getting to know
| her extended family far better than I do
|
| - run for local office in my rural community in order to fight
| for safer bike and pedestrian access to roadways
|
| - spend a year or so studying to homeschool my daughter (if you
| want to learn something, try to teach it)
|
| - get involved with a really cool local youth outdoor adventure
| group, perhaps even find a way to get hired (insurance!)
|
| - identify the most effective means to tackle voter suppression
| tactics and fund it and otherwise help implement it
|
| - build a wooden boat
|
| - take my hobby fermentation hobby to a retail level, if not a
| distribution level
|
| - go deep, in one way or another, on any one of the open source
| projects I am super interested in
|
| - learn to play one of the instruments I put down as a kid (long
| list!)
|
| - build or/and run a parenting community site that doesn't exist
| where I live
|
| The grass is always greener, but boy would I love the ability to
| drop my busywork that pays the mortgage and do some of the above.
| Maybe, if you imagine yourself in my shoes, you can come up with
| some ideas that get you excited.
|
| > I feel like I've hit my zenith already
|
| I peaked in high school, and I realized that long ago. The
| company of a group that cares if you are on your way up is
| probably not going to give you much solace.
| yuppie_scum wrote:
| You should go on a nice vacation somewhere. Consider doing some
| volunteering as well.
| artemonster wrote:
| You know this sounds just as ,,just dont be depressed"?
| bordercases wrote:
| fermigier wrote:
| Peter Drucker has a chapter on this in "Managing Oneself".
|
| In summary:
|
| Second or parallel careers
|
| It's relatively common for people to pursue second careers
| after their fist has peaked, or because they want to try and
| find success in a different area. This is especially true if
| your first career is in an area that is not the optimal
| environment for your performance - a second, or parallel career
| can offer the chance to make a difference somewhere else. A
| second career also creates options; you are less restricted
| when you have something else to work on.
|
| Drucker identifies three ways to develop a second career:
|
| - Start one - move from one organization to another, different
| sizes, different industries, or something else altogether
|
| - Develop a parallel career - something on the side, or a part
| time job
|
| - Social entrepreneurship - spend less time on the main job,
| and work on another activity (usually nonprofit)
|
| (Abstract copied from:
| https://willemharmsen.com/notes/managing-oneself/ ).
| moron4hire wrote:
| My father just retired from 35 years of "hard work" as a bread
| man. Driving around to grocery stores. Managing orders. Slinging
| bread onto shelves.
|
| I say "hard work" in quotes because, as he puts it, he never had
| to make any decisions. He just showed up, did the work, went
| home. Yes, it was physically demanding, but you have to be pretty
| stupid to get it wrong (and yet, somehow, some of his coworkers
| did, but I digress).
|
| He's going through a depression right now, and it's 100% not
| knowing what to do with himself. He doesn't have anyone to tell
| him what to do. He's 60 years old this year and has not lacked
| someone giving him orders since he was 18 years old and joined
| the Army.
|
| I'm going on 20 years as a software developer. I've helped him on
| his route before. He's helped me build sales tracking databases.
| So we've gotten to have a bit of a peek into each other's worlds.
| We've had a lot of conversations about the nature of work. Being
| a software developer is a lot "harder" than being a ditch digger.
| As a manual laborer, you show up, do your job, go home. It might
| be physically demanding, but your body eventually adapts. You get
| stronger. You tolerate the pain better. Baring physical injury,
| you just keep on trucking.
|
| But software development never gets easier. Nobody knows what is
| the "right" solution to any problem. Any particular task is
| potentially unbounded in the time it takes to complete it. You're
| always working at the limit of your understanding. Indeed, if you
| aren't, you're wasting time. And that's just the technical
| portion of the craft. There's also the office politics (which,
| BTW, blow my dad's mind. He says he's seen people get punched for
| far less than I've experienced in an office environment).
|
| Or, at least, that's the ideal. I think, anyway. In reality, a
| lot of people treat software development more like ditch-digging
| than what I've described. Show up, do what you're told, body
| molds itself to chair.
|
| How do you tell the difference between just showing up vs.
| actually doing the real, hard work of having to make risky
| decisions that might not pay off? I think a good litmus test is,
| in all that time, working at startups, working for other people,
| did you ever do anything for yourself? Did you ever make a
| decision--of any kind, on anything--that was not based on your
| expectation of how someone else would evaluate it? Your
| cofounders, your investors, the market, etc.?
|
| In other words, are you the kind of person who gets bored and A)
| complains about it, or B) finds a box of crayons and some paper?
| Because option A is looking for orders.
| jay00 wrote:
| Have children
| jckahn wrote:
| I'll be blunt: It's the height of egotism to believe you've seen
| it all. There's always something new to explore and understand.
| Curiosity is the opposite of ennui, which it sounds like is what
| you have.
|
| You finally have the freedom to do things because they're
| interesting, not because you need the money. Make the most of
| that golden opportunity!
| jckahn wrote:
| If you need some inspiration, consider this comic:
| https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/2012-09-02
| chrisgd wrote:
| As for health insurance, you should look into Direct Primary
| Care. Sort of like concierge medicine for all where you can pay a
| family fee and then add a catastrophe plan on top. Would likely
| allow you to lower your health expenses significantly, see a
| primary care physician more often or for longer visits and stay
| on top of your health. Could point you in a direction for
| depression treatments? Might free you from having to keep a job
| for insurance.
| raffraffraff wrote:
| Ever run a marathon? I know it sounds daft but I know a bunch of
| people who don't need to work any more, and they all got into
| triathlons, Ironmans etc. They're all crazy about it. They
| usually have 2 per year but there's plenty of small events during
| the year that fill up the calendar. It's a social circle, a
| fitness club and a support group. My brother in law has been part
| of that scene for years, and after my sis died a few years ago,
| they helped pull him through it, hauling his ass out for runs and
| cycles. He even gets business through it.
| aklemm wrote:
| It feels trite to think it, but I do wonder every time someone
| asks about lack of meaning and purpose; have you read classics,
| philosophy, and history?
|
| I don't think they can solve these problems for people, but a
| general interest and survey of works in that direction should be
| completed by the mid-20s as a pre-requisite to avoiding
| existential despair.
| paulf5678 wrote:
| Have you read How to fail at everything and still win big?
|
| His advice is essentially everyone needs: 1. Good food 2.
| Exercise 3. Friends 4. Something to look forward to (working
| towards some goal)
|
| How are you doing in these 4 areas? Tackling the first 3 gives
| you good energy and general vibe. For #4 there is no end to what
| can be achieved, so always possible to select a goal. Just need
| to find something that excites you.
| theuri wrote:
| Spend 4 days doing Unleash the Power Within. I was skeptical, but
| put my full effort into it and held back my cynicism. Ignore the
| annoying marketing/hype machine around it -- the actual content
| and the experience (when approached wholeheartedly) are awesome.
| Change your state, change your life.
|
| https://www.upwvirtual.com/
| MarkusWandel wrote:
| Midlife crises stereotypically result in a a sports car or a
| mistress. These days they might take a whole other form:
| Belatedly having kids! Talk about distraction from life going
| downhill from here. It still sucks, you just don't have to dwell
| on it.
|
| Getting fit really helps, especially if you've never been
| athletic. I love cycling and have always done a lot of it, but
| COVID and WFH changed the nature of it. Instead of a "baseline"
| of bike commutes and extra sporty rides on top of that, it was
| all sporty rides. And while Strava reminds me that elite athletes
| can climb a hill over twice as fast as I can, and naturally
| athletic people in my age group are still 5-10% faster, it's
| still fun to try to beat my segment time up that hill and then it
| has knock-on benefits like better sleep, and even motivation to
| shed a few pounds because that too will help the hill climb time.
|
| Markus
| Nevin1901 wrote:
| Build something new. Do something which makes life exciting.
| Literally any freaking idea you can think of, try making. Doesn't
| matter who cares - just have a reason to wake up
| Tepix wrote:
| You sound burned out. Why don't you take a year off, travel, meet
| people and friends think about your life? You don't really need
| the money anyway.
| bhouston wrote:
| Do you try starting a family? It is a lot of fun, it is rewarding
| as well and distracting. I find it centering and gives me
| perspective. I didn't see any mention of that in your post.
| bityard wrote:
| What kind of advice is this? You don't just "start a family."
| Having a family _should_ be the result of having a compatible
| mate, doing a reasonable amount of planning, and the
| willingness to set aside decades of your life in the service of
| your offspring.
|
| It is especially not a solution to some kind of deep-seated
| existential/self-worth issues that OP seems to have. I also get
| the impression that he is either divorced or not on great terms
| with his spouse since he refers to her as "The Wife." If so,
| that would be a terrible environment to deliberately raise a
| child in. He's also 44 which is not too old to have children,
| but about a decade or two past the norm.
| wnolens wrote:
| Turned 34 today and feel similar, minus a loving partner and
| millions in the bank.
|
| The only way I keep going is to keep an intellectual and creative
| pursuit at all times. Currently I'm trying to build a deep
| understanding of public healthcare system since it's relevant to
| my life experience, and also learning a new instrument. That
| seems to get my mind on more important things than how I feel.
|
| Otherwise I just try to accept that this is how I am. Some people
| are annoyingly bubbly, others grumpy. I'm melancholy.
| globular-toast wrote:
| Same age, situation and feeling here too. Unfortunately I have
| lost my drive for intellectual and creative pursuits, though.
| I've got a point where I've already figured out all the things
| I was curious about in my youth and no more have been added to
| the list. It just doesn't seem worth it with nobody to share
| life with.
|
| I'm considering volunteering for something to make myself
| useful. One of things missing for a solitary man is being
| useful. I don't need anything. I live a very minimal life so
| all my problems are sorted and new ones don't crop up very
| often. I've accepted that love won't be happening but maybe I
| can at least feel appreciated.
| wnolens wrote:
| > I have lost my drive for intellectual and creative
| pursuits, though. I've got a point where I've already figured
| out all the things I was curious about in my youth and no
| more have been added to the list. It just doesn't seem worth
| it with nobody to share life with.
|
| I completely feel you on this. And for months at a time I
| have been lost without any. Inspiration is hard to find, but
| it's out there I think. Competence plays a big factor. It's
| no fun to do things you suck at, but you've grown bored of
| the stuff you ARE good at. Basically I have to commit to a
| slog (like an instrument) until momentum is built, or find
| something with immediate gratification (like reading about a
| salient topic in my life).
|
| In either case, it's just a coping mechanism I think, not a
| solution.
|
| Volunteering makes total sense. I think we're really good at
| doing things for ourselves but that stops delivering after a
| decade of succeeding at that. Many people cite helping others
| as central to the meaning in their lives.
| candiddevmike wrote:
| I hit 34 recently too, if you ever want to talk about pursuits
| and interests outside of of $DAYJOB hit me up. I'm trying to
| rediscover the ancient art of pen pals in the age of social
| media.
| TheCondor wrote:
| "Zenith" is an interesting word. You might want to ponder
| "growth" vs "progression."
|
| Most of what you said suggests that you're really good at doing
| jobs. All that stuff has a quantitative aspect to it. There are
| expectations to exceed, there are "firsts," companies sell for a
| specific numerical value.
|
| I've had some similar feelings about things, I used to be a
| bicycle racer and in my mid-40s it sort of hit me like a
| lightning bolt but no amount of training was going to allow me to
| repeat some of the things I had done on a bike in my younger
| years. I feel fortunate, I love riding, I loved racing too but I
| can experience joy from a good ride. Sounds to me, and this is a
| total guess, but you don't particularly like writing software (or
| whatever it was your companies did) so much as you like competing
| and progressing. You've done well, you've got all the good badges
| in this Pokemon go of life. Stop competing, do some art or
| something, take up fishing, serve lunch at a local homeless
| shelter a couple times a week (it's really hard to be the best at
| that,) be present for your wife and kids. Find something you like
| to do for the sake of doing and not for the progression and
| competition of it. Be strict with yourself about it because it's
| damn easy to "compete" at a lot of things. Shit, do the hard
| thing, and go do something you're bad at and keep doing it, you
| don't have to be good at it; learn pottery or glass blowing or
| something.
|
| I've been doing classic outdoor activities with my kids the last
| couple years, shooting, fishing, archery, etc.. It's an insanely
| good way to create space to talk with them and just have
| relationships with them and then every now and then someone does
| something that they are really proud of. The archery guys seem to
| get it the best and almost have mysticisms around it, but you can
| do everything _perfectly_ in these activities, you can have the
| best gear, you can find the best places, you can do it all
| completely perfect and come home empty handed... it 's just not
| always in your control and it's still a good experience that is
| worth doing. There are a lot of things like that. We have a pond
| near us, I don't know how many times I've had a long day of
| problem solving, went to the pond with the kids, caught no fish
| at all and we all came home happier after just being outside and
| watching the sun go down.
|
| Do keep talking to therapists and definitely do talk to people if
| you're particularly down about this day. You're young though,
| there is a ton of great stuff for you left to do and contribute.
| issa wrote:
| Generally speaking, if you don't know how to solve your own
| immediate problem, and you have the means, it can be helpful to
| solve someone else's problem. A lot of people are suggesting
| volunteering, etc, and that's what I'm getting at too.
|
| Specifically, when people use capital letters and an indefinite
| article to refer to "The Wife" it is also usually time to get a
| divorce.
| bell-cot wrote:
| +1 on both points. And you don't have to _solve_ anyone else 's
| problems for volunteering to be very helpful. Just dishing up
| the mashed potatoes and peas on a good soup kitchen serving
| line can do wonders to expand your mental and social
| frameworks.
| smrtinsert wrote:
| Like others mentioned, I see a resume. I think taking a step back
| and consider alternative measures of contentment. The set of all
| things that make people "happy" might include things that you've
| previously ignored or disregarded because it had nothing to do
| with your professional advancement. Give it a try. Bad example:
| it might be as simple as taking ballroom dancing lessons or
| picking up golf, who knows.
| Def_Os wrote:
| The bulk of this post is about your career. You need to find
| something else to live for. I know, easier said than done...
|
| For me, a loving partner, my kids, my own intellectual
| development, art, other hobbies, full that gap. Hope you find
| what makes you content with life.
|
| Also: start exercising!
| mooreds wrote:
| First off, sorry to hear this! It sounds like you're really
| having a tough time.
|
| Second, I think that this search for meaning is not unique to
| you, nor to modern people. We've been doing this for millennia.
| Religion, philosophy, stoicism, psychology, they all try to
| answer the question: how do I live a good life?
|
| I don't know you, but I'll give you the answer that I'd give a
| friend who came to me with this question.
|
| * Find a therapist who works for you. This may involve trying
| many different ones. If you try 10 and none work, maybe therapy
| isn't for you, but having someone who is paid to listen to you
| can be very helpful. Since you know you have depression, find
| someone to help you with that (which may involve trialing
| different medications). This is foundational and none of my other
| advice will be helpful if you don't do this. This post from a
| leading VC may prove helpful:
| https://feld.com/archives/2015/04/bringing-depression-shadow...
|
| * Find something bigger than yourself and your achievements to
| work for. Sibling comments suggest volunteering, I'd be more
| specific. What are you interested in? Coding?: volunteer at a
| school or bootcamp and teach folks to code. History?: volunteer
| at a museum. The outdoors? volunteer at a park. Commit to the
| volunteering for at least 6 months and treat it like a job
| because it will be providing what a job might have done in the
| past: a firm sense of purpose.
|
| * Find some non-work groups to hang out in. This could be sports
| clubs, civic groups (Odd Fellows, Elks, Rotary Club, etc), book
| clubs, etc etc. This regular, non work focused socializing will
| help give your life some richness. I just saw this video and one
| thing that stood out to me was how relationships with others can
| give our lives meaning:
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6WZuLKOa6k
| phkahler wrote:
| What are you trying to prove? And to who?
|
| My guess (armchair psychology and know nothing about you) is that
| someone made your inner child feel sad and "not good enough". If
| you can find that kid in you and feel/sooth the pain it will free
| you from trying so hard to reach an elusive goal. Then you can
| figure out what you actually want and persue that.
|
| No, I'm not projecting I've seen this before. My own inner pain
| and outward manifestation was different ;-)
| Valien wrote:
| Go volunteer and spend time with those with less resources. Pour
| yourself into something worthwhile. When you take your focus off
| yourself and pour it into others things will improve.
|
| I also know this isn't popular here but spiritual fitness is key
| as well.
| JoeAltmaier wrote:
| I have been a 'serial entrepreneur' for my entire career. The
| experience has changed many times, with being a principle in a
| new venture, to being a hire at a more mature startup, to being a
| consultant at my own company. Back and forth many times.
|
| Its a journey, not a destination. I suggest that the burn-out
| feeling, the impostor feeling, the whats-it-all-for depression,
| are symptoms it's time to change. None are 'true' in that they
| are temporary.
|
| Heck, teach at a junior college for a semester or two, be with
| young people full of idealism. It's a tonic.
|
| I hope you find a path forward.
| ilamont wrote:
| Have you considered going back to school to pursue something more
| aligned with your interests/passion, or even a general program
| that lets you figure things out?
|
| There are many midcareer programs operated by business schools,
| as well as specialized terminal degrees in technical and creative
| fields. I took such a route at age 40 ... going back to school
| full-time at that age was a shock to many people I knew, but it
| was the right thing for me. It really opened up a range of new
| possibilities, and introduced me to people from all over the
| world and from industries I would otherwise have never
| encountered.
| mparnisari wrote:
| you've been dealt all the good cards (money, wife, house, no
| kids). you can literally do whatever makes you happy. you wanna
| go somewhere new? you wanna learn a language? move to another
| country? learn how to play the guitar? change jobs? change
| careers? the possibilities are endless. go crazy. think what
| would you like to try and try it.
|
| it sounds crazy but i get ideas for things i wanna try from TV
| series (specifically, holiday destinations). i've been watching a
| lot of Netflix lately lol
| quacked wrote:
| Read this:
|
| https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/10/marc_marons_mid-life...
| Aaronstotle wrote:
| It seems like you're in a good place financially and career wise,
| maybe focus on your physical health and make improvements there.
|
| If you are covered financially, you can do a long trip somewhere
| to get a change of scenery and have some self-reflection
| bhckr wrote:
| Look into biohacking.
| dhruvkar wrote:
| Turn inward.
|
| Your physical survival is taken care of, now there is only
| conscious evolution.
|
| Your mind (thoughts/feelings/emotions) is going to do what it has
| always done - run rampant. Now with the emptiness you're feeling,
| you'll want to pay even attention to them. Don't.
|
| You're looking for a feeling of joy just for being alive. It's
| not found in the physical body or your mind. It's much deeper.
| The journey starts with stillness.
|
| I suggest the following:
|
| - some type of meditation (no apps), anything involving stillness
|
| - being with the earth (gardening, walking)
|
| - skip all media (at least not consuming it in the desire to find
| answers)
|
| Where you are now is harder than the past 44 years.
|
| You have to consciously (not compulsively like up till now) move
| forward.
| y-c-o-m-b wrote:
| You basically need to re-evaluate what gives you "purpose". For
| me it would be leaving tech and doing something else for a time;
| anything from janitorial work to welding to carpentry or ideally
| something outdoors (nursery?). One thing I thoroughly enjoy doing
| is volunteer work. I helped build houses for Habitat for Humanity
| and it was extremely fulfilling. I think if you have the
| opportunity to work part-time and retain your health insurance,
| find something you'd be interested in volunteering for that would
| give you that sense of purpose again.
| theeviljames wrote:
| I'm 41 and I can understand the existential ennui of being
| capable and not finding satisfaction in it, or life. I hate each
| passing birthday as it seems to mark yet another failed year of
| finding content; hopefully, you can intellectually see that, when
| I say it, it isn't true and worth trying - what else can one do?
|
| I've also been medicated on SSRIs (in my opinion, they were only
| worth it when I was going to kill myself), had therapy (good, up
| to a point for me, but worth pursuing with an open mind,
| especially when you are in a mental health crisis; sounds like
| you are), and tried some alternatives (shrooms have worked well
| to shift me out of prolonged depression when the standard meds
| and therapy were not helping; have a look at
| https://doi.org/10.1038/s41591-022-01744-z, also a great
| interview with David Nutt on MedLifeCrisis)
|
| Perhaps you might find Healthly Gamer useful as well
| (https://www.healthygamer.gg/, interviews on youtube here:
| https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClHVl2N3jPEbkNJVx-ItQIQ). It has
| been useful for me. The interviews have helped me over the last 6
| months not to feel as isolated. They also gave me insight into my
| therapy and the workings on my mind.
|
| Good luck and I genuinely hope you are able to find a more
| content existence.
| theeviljames wrote:
| With ref to the shrooms, be cautious if you have a family
| history of psychosis/personal psychotic episodes
| akomtu wrote:
| "We are given 70 years, and a bit more if we are strong" - some
| greek philosopher, if memory serves me right. The first half of
| those 70 years is ascending, and the second half is descending.
| The root of your anxiety is the fear that you'll disappear into
| non-existence at the end. Many say that mushrooms dissolve this
| fear, even in absence of proofs, but I wouldn't rush to mushrooms
| until your mindset is fixed. Knowledge backed by direct
| experience would be better, but you're a some 30 years too late
| for that.
| CodeWriter23 wrote:
| I hit a similar point (without the 8 figure sale of my startup)
| in my early 30's. My mentor advised me to go get a copy of
| "Illusions" and hike up a local mountain to read it. It didn't
| get me all the way to where I am today some 20 years later but it
| certainly changed my perspective on things in a foundational way.
|
| Sounds like you need a challenge. Kinda like Steve Jobs walking
| back into Apple for $1/yr salary. Gun to the head + Guns to the
| deck, speaking metaphorically.
| throwaway-ki wrote:
| I think my comment is going to be lost in the pile, but hopefully
| you see it.
|
| I'm 42, and felt very similarly, particularly after changing jobs
| with a nearly 100% increase in pay. I make a lot of money,
| especially for my COL area. I have a nice house, nice cars, kids
| are doing well. I felt a strong sense of something missing, and
| thought about talking to a therapist. I wasn't sure how to fill
| the hole. Began thinking about social work I could get into
| (doing something about poverty, equality, homelessness is high on
| my list of values), but haven't taken that step.
|
| Then, I got a cancer diagnosis. It sounds cliche, but everything
| changed immediately. What I thought I valued was so wrong. I was
| so focused on the future; of being a grandparent, traveling,
| doing something as a volunteer...and then, WHAM.
|
| Suddenly, this is what mattered:
|
| Doing the dishes. Driving around town. Feeding my dogs. Walking
| outside on a nice day.
|
| I reached out to a therapist, against every bit of my nature. I
| always felt like I could handle anything mentally, but I just
| couldn't anymore. She has been immensely helpful, and given me
| mental tools (again, sounds cliche, but believe me - great) for
| dealing with things I was hitting a wall with. We talked about my
| change in perspective. Talked about living more in the moment, or
| at least, that was my take-away. Since then, I have been shifting
| my focus to the present any time I find myself ruminating on the
| past or future too much. Thinking about those things is pretty
| pointless. Of course, I don't make reflexive, bad decisions about
| the future, I just stopped constantly thinking about being able
| to retire, where I would live, what my kids' futures looked like
| (that probably sounds bad, but they're adults - their futures are
| theirs to make now), political bullshit of the day...
|
| tl;dr: Focus on the present. Find out what really matters to you.
| bhckr wrote:
| Check out biohacking
| yboris wrote:
| On the happiness front, consider learning about Positive
| Psychology (a rigorous research subfield within psychology
| focusing on happiness and well being). If you read books,
| consider reading ones by Ph.D. researchers in the field, rather
| than journalists (who unfortunately often overstep conclusions of
| research findings).
|
| For example: _The How of Happiness_ by Sonja Lyubomirsky
| https://www.amazon.com/How-Happiness-Approach-Getting-Life/d...
|
| I think trying LSD or Magic Mushrooms once (after proper research
| and understanding of safety precautions) may be an excellent
| move.
| mlyle wrote:
| I'm 43. Did the startup thing, to differing levels of success.
| Freelanced on projects I found interesting.
|
| I'm probably not going to do anything _too_ interesting on the
| grand stage again. Kids have slowed me down. I 'm still sharp,
| but not _as_ sharp or hungry. Yes, I 'm a little sad to say
| goodbye to all of this, and a bit sad to see time slowly running
| out. All of the past situations, people, cultures, etc that I can
| no longer return to are a source of profound nostalgia and
| wistfulness, too.
|
| I became a teacher (nominally half-time, but I end up dumping a
| lot more effort into my programs). I run robotics teams and
| engineering programs at a private school. The job contains all I
| like about working on engineering teams: fun problems, coaching
| "junior engineers", etc. I get to be ambitious-- teaching middle
| school students computer architecture from transistors to gates
| to combinatorial & sequential logic to ALUs and register files
| all the way up to machine code.
|
| Um... it's super rewarding sometimes, and sometimes _super not_.
| But it is, definitively not just _meh and empty_. That 's what's
| important to me right now.
| scythe wrote:
| >I feel like I've hit my zenith already and it's just a slow
| decline from here on out.
|
| Spend the next five years (or so) figuring out how you can use
| that money to make a positive difference in the world. That would
| top just earning it. And maybe you'll feel a little better about
| yourself, too.
| greenhorn123 wrote:
| You probably won't like this answer, but most people are lost in
| one way or another, they just put a brave face on it and pretend
| that they know what they are doing and why they are doing it.
| Find some older people to talk to and see how they managed
| getting through this phase, that will get you a lot further than
| talking to peers or younger people.
| tasuki wrote:
| > You probably won't like this answer, but most people are lost
| in one way or another
|
| The alternative is having lots of problems and being in an
| objectively bad situation. If you're just feeling lost, it
| means you have solved most of your problems - congrats! I find
| it never really gets much easier, or much harder.
| postalrat wrote:
| Is the mid life crisis a bad thing? You've got the money to spend
| on things and memories you've wanted. Why is doing it seen as a
| negative. Better to save that money for medical expenses when
| your body is failing?
| Chyzwar wrote:
| You are already successful and forgot how it is to be poor or
| truly unhappy. You are most likely childless as well and do not
| have anybody to truly share your life. Try
| another therapist. Consider adopting child or do foster
| care Travel to poorer places (maybe Ukraine) Do
| something non-profit in your area Try to do something
| different (woodworking, cooking, cocktails bar)
| weeksie wrote:
| dude, drop out for a few years. take your family traveling, take
| the time to learn about subjects that interest you, develop a
| skill or even better an artistic discipline. FWIW I did that in
| my mid 30s and it was the best thing I'd ever done.
| vl wrote:
| It's just a burnout, happens to everyone with the same career.
|
| You need to take time off (just pay for health insurance) and
| concentrate on health and sport, sleep, hobbies and other not-
| work-related projects that were lucking due to demand of work.
| You will fill better very quickly, and maybe will have desire to
| work again in two-three years. You will know when it comes - you
| will be excited about some new project. For now concentrate on
| essentials ^^^.
|
| (I'm at the end of my burnout cycle, so it gets way better
| eventually)
| RantyDave wrote:
| Sail across an ocean.
|
| I'm nowhere near in your position, but the bucket list is pretty
| much done except for skippering a yacht on a major offshore
| passage. I've been sailing on and off since my teens and now have
| a yacht and am pushing into longer trips. There's a lot to learn.
| You need to push outside your comfort zone on a regular basis.
| But it's visceral, real, incredibly connected to physics and
| nature, and uniquely satisfying. When sailing you're completely
| disconnected from society, money, your upbringing, everything -
| and are reliant on your own preparation to literally keep
| yourself alive.
|
| I'm not really making myself clear but ... Sailing has been great
| for my mental health. Perhaps it can help yours.
| danielmarkbruce wrote:
| This might be an un-popular opinion, but:
|
| You've been playing a young man's game, seem to have done well,
| but are no longer young. You sound like a retired footballer.
|
| So, start playing a game where you continue to get better as you
| get older. Then it's all up rather than down. Business is such a
| game. Invest, buy, build, whatever.
| mawadev wrote:
| I'm in my late 20s, but I noticed that people live as if they are
| forever.
|
| They spend half of their life working for survival, preparing and
| planning for their (!) future.
|
| Some people die in the process and never live to see that future,
| but some people reach that point and become aware of the finite
| time that just elapsed.
|
| Having physical needs met is trivial in our society. Everything
| beyond is self imposed suffering by comparing oneself to others.
|
| But for what purpose? Just to have more than someone else? Just
| to be better than someone else?
|
| Nobody truly cares. Nobody cares about how fancy the technology
| is that someone built to make people click more ads online - even
| if that someone thinks he is doing god's work.
|
| We came to this earth naked and we will leave naked. Just like my
| parents did. Any material possessions and people will be left
| behind. Most of us will be forgotten 2 generations ahead or end
| up as UTF-8 characters on wikipedia.
|
| I can at least walk joyfully in the present and not suffer my
| imagination about the future. I can also make a conscious choice
| to not indulge in activities that destroy the planet for others.
| I don't think the older generations see it the way I do.
| sharadov wrote:
| I am glad that you are in your early 20s and understand this
| fundamental life truth - I am in my mid-40s, met some friends
| this past weekend, friends since elementary school, some more
| successful than others, in the capitalist sense of the word,
| although all of us are pretty well grounded. One of my buddies,
| who had more fun than the rest of us was complaining how his
| 20's and early 30's were all about experiencing life - and he
| wished he had focussed on his career and saved more. But at the
| end of the day, he has more stories to tell that anyone else.
| At the tail end of life, those stories are all we have..
| Volrath89 wrote:
| "The grass is always greener" seems to be a fundamental human
| condition.
|
| Your friend wished he had focused on his career while the
| people who focused on their careers wished to have lived more
| experiences.
|
| Married people wished they were single to enjoy the freedom
| and live a simpler life. While single people wished they met
| a SO to be less lonely.
|
| People with stable high paying jobs like many developers,
| daydream about financial independence and quitting their
| jobs. While most other people dream of just finding a stable
| high paying job.
|
| People from 1st world countries complain a lot about their
| own countries while most people in the rest of the world
| would literally die crossing the border to get there.
|
| Young people wish they were rich. Rich people wish they were
| young.
|
| And the list goes on and on. This seems to be something very
| human... Why do we think so much of the things we lack/didn't
| do but seem to forget what we have/have done?
| i_love_music wrote:
| I love this take. Refreshing to read. Thanks for your words. It
| has helped me slow down and enjoy my day.
| JamesAdir wrote:
| I will add something to it - many people want are afraid that
| they will regret somethings in the future. But at the end you
| won't regret a thing because you will not feel a thing. You are
| going to be dead and as hard as it is to imagine it - you won't
| think or feel. If you are religious you may have more thoughts
| about what is the next stage in your after life, but in any
| case it won't be thoughts about your current life. Just live
| each day to it's fullest and that's it.
| Balgair wrote:
| "I sit in my cubicle, here on the motherworld. When I die, they
| will put my body in a box and dispose of it in the cold ground.
| And in the million ages to come, I will never breathe, or
| laugh, or twitch again. So won't you run and play with me here
| among the teeming mass of humanity? The universe has spared us
| this moment."
|
| -Anonymous; Datalinks, _SMAC_
|
| OP's piece and the SMAC quote really remind me of this art at
| the Met:
|
| The Angel of Death and the Sculptor from the Milmore Memorial
|
| https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collection/search/10909
|
| If you get a chance to see it in person, the faces, man, the
| faces. They are perfect for that piece.
| federoccco wrote:
| Maybe you can try living somewhere else? You probably can easily
| work remotely (and part-time), and there are plenty of places
| where all the typical US things would stop mattering.
| thaumaturgy wrote:
| Wow, we're about the same age, but by most metrics, you've been
| so much more successful than I have.
|
| FWIW I've long believed that many people should progress into a
| mentoring role at some point in their life. I've had that role
| several times in several different niches, and I love it, and
| it's extremely fulfilling. You could easily spend 20 years
| helping to raise and influence future generations.
|
| If you aren't finding a suitable mentoring opportunity at your
| current role, I'd recommend looking at volunteer organizations.
| It can take a while to find a good fit, so don't give up if the
| first one doesn't work out for whatever reason. But, in general,
| I've found volunteer organizations to be full of passionate,
| youthful (if not young) people who are really energizing to be
| around. I ended up volunteering a lot with search and rescue
| because it fit well with my other interests, but there are myriad
| volunteer organizations looking for good people from all kinds of
| backgrounds.
| miltonlaxer wrote:
| I spent too many years ruthlessly perusing my career and passion
| for coding. Sure, I have a bunch of a money and my dream job but
| now what? I spent the last 8 years with a girl that I was certain
| I was going to marry. She cheated on me last month and I hit rock
| bottom. I didn't want to code anymore, I didn't even want to play
| games or get out of bed. I started working out, eating healthy,
| and improving myself however I could. I'm still not happy but I
| feel more alive than I have in years. I take chances, try to meet
| new people, say yes to things. Try taking a step back from your
| work and make yourself uncomfortable. Go try new things, meet new
| people, and put yourself into those weird and awkward positions.
| Your zenith doesn't stop at your career and wealth. Travel, try
| new hobbies, buy a fast car, start a project. Life has ups and
| downs. Stay strong bro.
|
| EDIT: Ketamine might be totally fine... I just have negative
| feelings about it.
| ajmurmann wrote:
| Selfish question to sharing such intimately: what are you doing
| to meet new people?
| miltonlaxer wrote:
| I started by reconnecting with anyone I could. Many of them
| are not people that I would previously consider being friends
| with (hence why we stopped talking). This isn't a great
| solution but it might put you in good situations.
|
| Try going to social settings like downtown and not think too
| much about how "These are not my type of people" or "I don't
| want to be out partying all the time". You have to go out and
| approach people to meet new friends. It's uncomfortable and
| awkward. You'll get rejected and need to brush it off. I've
| even considered going out solo and just walking around and
| enjoying myself.
| maerF0x0 wrote:
| I'm terribly sorry to hear how she treated you. It's a cliche,
| but as someone who has spent years recovering from such an
| experience, it's about her not you. It's amazing how hard
| things make us stronger, we'd never ask for them, but they also
| bring us places we may never have gotten to without the
| adversity.
|
| It sounds like you're on a good path though, Stay strong bro.
| masijo wrote:
| >Oh and I wouldn't touch Ketamine...
|
| I'm curious: why not?
|
| Nice to hear you were able to get over it -or at least take the
| steps to eventually do. Inspiring honestly, keep at it.
| qorrect wrote:
| Just a guess but probably saw lots of friends abuse special-k
| ( as did I ) and saw what it did to them while they were on
| it.
|
| I think therapeutic ketamine is a different beast.
|
| This is all speculation.
| aardvark92 wrote:
| If you waited 8 years to marry her, I'm not surprised she moved
| on...
| kamranjon wrote:
| Are you saying that having tried Ketamine as a cure for
| depression yourself or do you just have a bad image of the drug
| in your mind? Just curious because I would absolutely not
| suggest someone who is depressed take LSD, but there is growing
| evidence that ketamine can help specifically with depression.
| user_7832 wrote:
| > Oh and I wouldn't touch Ketamine... Go trip on acid or do
| some ecstasy...
|
| Uhh, I wouldn't recommend _any_ of those substances that
| casually, especially if someone 's not mentally at a good
| state. _ESPECIALLY_ ecstasy - it can easily be neurotoxic if
| you don 't know what you're doing, and leave you with permanent
| brain damage or death.
|
| Also quick addendum - I'm not at all saying that these
| substances can't be amazing and helpful in the right
| situation... That last part is key. If you are well aware of
| the various risks (hyperthermia leading to death, serotonin
| syndrome due to interactions with SSRIs/MAOIs, "Suicide
| Tuesdays") etc then you may be better read and aware, but if
| these terms are foreign then please don't try such "hard"
| substances (MDMA is a stimulant after all).
|
| Oh, and all this is not accounting for the risk of getting
| car/fentanyl cut in your tablet.
| miltonlaxer wrote:
| I have always been negative about Ketamine but I likely
| misunderstand it. After some research, it sounds okay. I'm
| not a big fan of using any substance as a solution to a
| problem but I understand why people do. I am not an expert
| and you can forget I said anything
| mostertoaster wrote:
| Seems like you need to find some higher meaning in your life.
|
| Ultimately at some point do you live for yourself or do you live
| for someone/something else?
|
| King Solomon was the richest wisest man alive and yet in
| Ecclesiastes he seems to despair and says everything is
| meaningless.
| JMiao wrote:
| Hello. I, like you, had an early, promising start in my teens.
| I've found it helpful exploring my thinking back then. Have you
| read about Internal Family Systems or EMDR?
|
| https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internal_Family_Systems_Model
|
| https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_a...
| bumby wrote:
| I have found that when I feel lost, it's usually an indicator
| that I'm missing one leg of a three-legged stool:
|
| 1) Mastery: I need some skill that I feel like I can work at and
| improve; ideally at a level just at the edge of my competence to
| continually stretch myself
|
| 2) Autonomy: I need to feel like I have the ability to direct my
| efforts to a certain degree. With your financial resources, I
| would think you have this one covered.
|
| 3) Purpose: The work needs to provide meaning and align with my
| personal values.
|
| Note that these don't need to be defined by a vocation. I
| personally don't think there's anything wrong with using a
| vocation to fund whatever activity/activities meet the above.
| Ironically, that helps give even a dead-end job some purpose.
| ajmurmann wrote:
| Do you find that all these need to come from the same activity?
| Is it ok if you for example have autonomy at work and are
| pushing your mastery on wood carving in the evenings and are
| getting purpose from feeding the poor on the weekends?
| tartoran wrote:
| I think it is okay to get ones needs from different places.
| It is ideal when one can find a perfect fit where they all
| align but it's not necessary to strive for that.
| codpiece wrote:
| Woah, this hit hard. I'm trying to figure out why I'm
| unsatisfied by a wonderful job, and it's missing #2, around my
| time.
| thelettere wrote:
| No one seems to be talking about this being a normal part of the
| stage of life you're in. The 40's are typically the most
| miserable decade in a person's life, and this is well documented.
| The major caveat to that is "I know I'm depressed and have been
| for the majority of my life" - which adds a different wrinkle.
| But that it's getting worse now is to be expected.
|
| Some readings, which have been helpful for me (I'm also in my
| 40's):
|
| https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-rauch-happiness-...
|
| https://12ft.io/proxy?q=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.theatlantic.com%2F...
|
| https://www.researchgate.net/publication/327097311_You_Only_...
| (particularly starting at pg. 37)
|
| Bottom line: this is a natural transitionary period. To make it
| successful requires embracing that.
| ProAm wrote:
| Do you volunteer at all? Teach or coach? It's time to start
| helping others, service and time is not only extremely rewarding,
| its always challenging as for there are always new people that
| learn in different ways. You've achieved and mastered business,
| time to climb a new mountain.
| pryelluw wrote:
| You are simply an out of work actor. Look for your next role.
|
| Ping me at pryelluw@gmail.con if you'd like to chat more. I've
| assisted others in the same situation after sorting it out for
| myself.
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