[HN Gopher] Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling...
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Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?
I am turning 35 years soon and I feel like I haven't achieved much,
both personally and professionally. I have held jobs in small and
big companies for mostly for 1-2 years each, traveled and lived in
different countries, had 2 failed startups, and have about $500k in
savings. I am single and haven't had a serious relationship for
many years now. As time went on, I started feeling less excited
about everything, personal or work related. I used to be excited
about new technologies, but not these days. I feel like I've seen
most things before, and it's all just different iterations of the
same. I increasingly wish I could go back to my 20s. Now I feel too
old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make new friends that
way. This has been a recent change for me. When I was ~30 I still
considered myself young and able to do anything I could do when I
was in my 20s. But not anymore now. I feel like my time for
everything is running out. Have you been through a similar thing?
How did you deal with it?
Author : trendingwaifu
Score : 837 points
Date : 2022-02-06 08:56 UTC (14 hours ago)
| coding123 wrote:
| Don't do anything anyone else is saying. Stop living the script.
| Go build a school and teach idjits something.
| throwaway378037 wrote:
| I don't have any real advice for you except to say that you're
| not alone and what you're experiencing is shared by many. I'm
| turning 34 next week and feel similarly, despite having achieved
| a lot of "success" in my business life. I too haven't had a
| relationship in many, many years and am disillusioned by
| technology. I miss my 20s and envy the younger generation for
| many things. My body is getting older and more tired too and my
| natural optimism is less present these days.
|
| I think there is a natural change that happens around this age as
| the energy of youth starts to be tempered by the wisdom of age
| (not meaning to sound lofty, it's just how it came to my mind).
| There is an opportunity to start seeking things of more meaning
| and purpose in life, whether it is through study, career change,
| creativity/hobbies, mindfulness or spirituality, time in nature,
| settling down, finding new friends or rekindling old ones, moving
| on, a different kind of travel, etc - it will be different for
| everyone. You may also be depressed or burned out, which is a
| whole other thing (that I could also heavily relate to). But I
| think it's not correct for people to offer armchair diagnoses
| over the internet and you should find out what's true for you.
|
| People also seem to be recommending travel above all else, but
| this isn't always a panacea and is not right for everybody. There
| can also be real value in staying put and changing on the inside,
| if that's what's true for you.
|
| Good luck out there
| noduerme wrote:
| In fairness, OP asked for armchair diagnoses. It's hard to stay
| away from recommending travel or whatever works for you, but
| that shows that it's a question that a lot of us (a surprising
| number of us, from this thread) are struggling with, so
| everyone wants to test their own theory.
|
| Nothin's a panacea, you said that right.
| wayoutthere wrote:
| Hey OP, I'm a couple years older than you but have gone through
| this over the last few years. Also haven't had a serious
| relationship since I got divorced in my early 30s and was feeling
| stagnant in my career.
|
| Things changed for me when I stopped giving a shit about work.
| It's something I do for money. I enjoy being good at it, but I
| work my 40 a week, collect a paycheck, treat my direct reports
| like human beings rather than "resources" and go home.
|
| I found having a creative hobby outside work helps. Putting all
| your creative energy into a job is frustrating because the job
| never gives you back as much as you put in. I took up piano at 35
| having never had any exposure. I'm by no means good, but I enjoy
| it and it gives me something to do. I can see my progress, and it
| helps me not feel stuck in life. I do it for me.
|
| Similarly, I have a competitive / athletic hobby. I'm not good at
| that either, but I've risen from dead last to middle of the pack.
| I've also met a lot of people through it who are great casual
| friends (not going to say what it is because it's a really small
| niche of a niche).
|
| So maybe try doing more things you know you're bad at but have
| always wanted to do. Watching yourself grow through them helps
| prevent you from feeling stagnant. It also helps you be a more
| interesting person, which will help you in the dating scene.
|
| And on dating, try to put yourself out of your comfort zone there
| too. Sadly with the pandemic most dating happens through apps.
| Maybe go out on a date with someone you normally wouldn't, like a
| same-sex partner if the idea has ever held any appeal to you.
| It's never too late to experiment, and at our age you should have
| already realized that nobody other than your mom gives enough of
| a shit about you to care what you do in life.
| mrsprite wrote:
| isn't this something called as mid life crisis?
| oliv__ wrote:
| [Meta] I wonder if it's just me but, reading through these
| comments I can imagine myself being the OP and thinking that
| every comment here is both very insightful and terribly useless
| simultaneously.
|
| All I can think of reading through all the different perspectives
| is: "No one can fix you, only you can find the solution to
| yourself".
| meerita wrote:
| 500K in savings, that's nice. I have 1k savings.
| throw8932894 wrote:
| I am in similar position, but 45, negative net worth and alimony.
| I had two problems: environment (it should motivate better), and
| health (not 20 anymore, but still have shitty habits).
|
| If you have $500, I would suggest to take 6 months sabbatical and
| just unplug from tech.
| rubidium wrote:
| No relationships, moved multiple times, and never stayed at a job
| for long. Sounds like a recipe for having no roots or committed
| friendships/community as you chased the cornucopia of worldly
| experiences... that has now dried up and been found wanting.
|
| You've got plenty of time. What you need is connections.
| Who/what/how is up to you, and talking to an understanding person
| about it (parents, lifelong friend, pastor, therapist) would
| probably help more than us all here.
| rizkeyz wrote:
| You are now looking back at a significant part of your life and
| that is changing your perspective. Not only are you not going to
| be younger in the future, but you may not enjoy the agility that
| you had, good looks, and all other niceties of youth.
|
| Our western civilizations do not value age that much these days,
| it's not a good fit for the always-on high-throughput life
| required to not go under.
|
| Some get lucky, married, have children, which yet again gives you
| a different perspective on life (and you start to see how little
| things matter that you thought matter). This can be a significant
| impulse through your 30's and 40's.
|
| A guy I know is forever single, about your age - a cultivated
| man, who enjoys a few recreational activities, but who also
| wastes a lot of time (something people with kids cannot afford
| any more).
|
| Not sure what has been driving you, but with a nice chunk of
| savings try to cut back on stuff you do not really value for a
| few years and try to refocus on a thing that captures your
| spirits, whatever that may be.
|
| You probably need to let life capture you again, in its weird
| ways and I see some people just not crazy enough to allow
| themselves to.
| balutdev wrote:
| screenbreakout wrote:
| Come to a rainbow gathering :-) but seriously,try hitching,
| sleeping outside in your sleeping bag, traveling in "3rd world"
| countries.... learning spanish while hitching south America or
| visiting/helping in communities in NZ... maybe a change of
| direction, more manual, like gardening, helping, might help... on
| a cynical level , life is pointless , but like a Hollywood film
| occasionally there are poignant parts that make you glad you were
| there...
|
| https://festivalsandretreats.com/rainbow-gatherings-in-europ...
|
| Ic.org
| sokoloff wrote:
| In all likelihood, you have 70+% of your healthy adult life ahead
| of you, meaning only a minority amount has passed.
|
| You've got skills in a field that pays extraordinarily well (and
| that I inherently enjoy) and a savings balance that's around 4x
| the median household wealth.
|
| You have way more tailwind than headwind I think and your
| challenge is to go find the fun and enjoyment you're currently
| lacking, but moping about how much sand is out of the hourglass
| isn't helpful. Best of luck!
| shannifin wrote:
| Hundreds of good comments on here already, but I'll add another
| anyway, fwiw. I'm in a similar situation. 36 years old, haven't
| achieved much, no family, don't even have much savings.
|
| For me, though, what keeps me feeling excited about the future is
| problem-solving, especially in the machine learning field. There
| are _tons_ of problems that still exist and need to be tackled,
| tons of products that I want to exist that don 't. If I stay
| focused on "This solution does not exist yet and I want it to
| exist", worries about achievement and mortality get out of the
| way more easily. It's not about me, it's about the problem.
| runoisenze wrote:
| I remember feeling similar when I was about your age. All of a
| sudden I looked around and, where I was spending my time,
| everyone was a lot younger and I felt out of place. I didn't want
| to be the old guy in the room.
|
| So I made changes. Big changes. Rearchitected my life, if you
| will. They were not easy. But I've learned a ton over the
| journey. I miss the old life, and I'm grateful for this life I
| made, worlds apart from where I was before. And I don't think
| about how it could have been, because that's not how it is.
|
| Now I'm in a similar situation again. I'm evaluating what changes
| I want to make. I think a lot about where I've been and where I
| want to be in 10 years, which helps me shape my decision making.
|
| But it's the little voice inside that I have to pay real close
| attention to before I make any big change. When I feel out of
| touch with that little voice, I know I need to work on my
| spiritual connection.
|
| It's not an easy place to be feeling lost, out of place, not sure
| what to do. I know that feeling very well. I was feeling it
| yesterday like a ton of sand weighing on my soul.
|
| But today's a new day. And I'm feeling alive. Thank you for your
| post, and this chance to think through my own decision making.
| Carpe diem!
| jpetso wrote:
| What kinds of changes did you make, what did you learn from it?
| How do you go about rearchitecting and decision making?
| stavros wrote:
| > All of a sudden I looked around and, where I was spending my
| time, everyone was a lot younger and I felt out of place.
|
| I have the same feeling, and it's astonishing to me how quickly
| it happened. I went from feeling in the same age group as
| 20-somethings to feeling like their uncle in a year. I doubt I
| changed so much externally, but I'm amazed at how abrupt the
| change was.
|
| It wasn't just a few things being out of place, then some more,
| then some more. I went from "I belong here" to "I don't belong
| here" basically instantly.
| Crazyontap wrote:
| I've too felt this way and one of the reasons for this is you're
| lacking something on which you can't really put a finger on just
| yet.
|
| Take this test (1) - it's from a book called your best year ever
| (no affiliation just found it on gr) and though it feels a little
| pop-pschy it does give you some insight on where you may be
| lacking and the cause of such feelings.
|
| (1) https://assessments.michaelhyatt.com/lifescore/ (it will ask
| you for email so use mailinator)
| paulolc wrote:
| If you look at what's important, you are, in fact, hugely
| successful. Maybe you're just comparing yourself to others who
| you probably don't really know. You have achieved quite a lot and
| for sure more than a great majority of the population.
|
| If you want to feel better and become engaged again, help others.
| Share your success. Teach. Do hobbies that bring you physically
| close to a community. There is a lot of research that indicates
| that volunteering and helping others improves a lot our wellbeing
| [1].
|
| To me it makes all the sense and I've experienced how it greatly
| improved my own life. If you like fabrication, the Maker/FabLab
| movement are awesome (at least here in Portugal).
|
| I'm 46 and some time back, in my early forties, I joined a local
| CoderDojo club. CoderDojo is a global community of Programming
| Clubs for Kids. I started there as Mentor, teaching and helping
| kids having fun with coding and it was a lot of fun. However, the
| best, was the community itself. I have acquired many new friends
| and have met a lot of great people between the other mentors, the
| champions (club leaders/organizers) and also the kids parents.
| The parents of the younger ones are incentivized to participate.
|
| Good Luck!
|
| [1]
| https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2020/07/29/voluntee...
| [2] https://www.jstor.org/stable/3090173
| wrycoder wrote:
| One measure of happiness is being satisfied with what you've got.
|
| It's clear that you are becoming unhappy. At 80, I'm pretty happy
| and have been getting more so.
|
| Like most people here, I'd recommend taking care of yourself
| physically. And go for long walks in the woods and parks.
| Appreciate what an amazing place this universe is!
|
| I could make a number of suggestions beyond that, but I think the
| best one would be to take up a study of Zen, which is largely
| about escaping dissatisfaction.
|
| Joko Beck's books are a good entry.
| an9n wrote:
| Having ascended Maslow's hierarchy to a certain level, you now
| have the luxury of ennui.
| [deleted]
| santa_boy wrote:
| It's great that you asked this question and (my guess is) it's
| actually a very common one. Being able to start a conversation
| and discuss it is an achievement in itself. Kudos to you!
|
| As many have mentioned, fitness and keeping calm is extremely
| important. With $500K in savings, you are in a financially secure
| position which is very good.
|
| I invested in a spin bike for a while now and use it with a
| Peloton class or a Netflix watch of late. Some days the exercise
| is great and other days it is ok. But, scheduling it and getting
| it done is a very good habit. Regardless of intensity, just do
| it.
|
| Next, focus on mental health. Journalling is great and meditation
| is also quite helpful. There is no aha moment, but just keeping
| at it will reap benefits.
|
| Next, find someone (right one) to emotionally connect with: it
| could be a spouse, a partner or perhaps a pet too. Get energy
| drainers (if any) out asap.
|
| Now that, hopefully, your human side is hopefully is in better
| shape ... get realistic about your career options. With your
| experience so far, you are likely very well equipped to decide
| the next steps.
| jrib wrote:
| I'm a couple of years older but I felt very directionless around
| your same age. I don't know if it's similar to what you are
| feeling but I'll share my experience in case it helps.
|
| One thing that helped me was to schedule regular time to be with
| my own thoughts. This became mornings at a coffee shop with a
| book and a journal, sometimes after a hike through a local park.
| I take the time to read last week's entry every time and reflect
| on it.
|
| Set small goals and forgive yourself routinely. It's through
| small goals that get transformed into routines that long term
| goals are achievable.
|
| For me, giving myself "protected" time to actually think helped
| me a lot with my feeling of directionlessness.
| inphovore wrote:
| Lock up your savings. Live "lean" for a few years. Read. Keep a
| garden. Eat healthy, get plenty of physical exercise. Dream of
| creating a legacy in your life that is not a waste of your
| humanity.
| amznbyebyebye wrote:
| Love this answer
| gandutraveler wrote:
| I'm in the same boat. I'm procrastinating more and more and I
| sleep less and less. I've lost interest in doing new things so
| much that I don't even feel like watching a new show anymore. End
| up watching Seinfeld again and again. I'm a pink Floyd fan but
| just few weeks back this finally hit me like it had never before.
|
| "And you run, and you run to catch up with the sun but it's
| sinking Racing around to come up behind you again The sun is the
| same in a relative way but you're older Every year is getting
| shorter, never seem to find the time. Plans that either come to
| naught or half a page of scribbled lines."
|
| What I'm trying to change now is reset and restart small. Because
| I now compare myself to all my successful peers, I've forgotten
| that it takes small steps to build something. So rather than
| looking at the the final outcome I'm looking to focus more on
| small and short tasks. There is no going back to my 20's but I
| can have better and healthier rest of my life.
| EchoReflection wrote:
| https://youtu.be/FgtcajwNid0
|
| Watching this old guy (Chinese with subtitles) talk about his ups
| and downs really gave me some perspective a while ago
| cocoapriest wrote:
| Well, the key is to find something new, exciting but not easy to
| achieve. For me it's PPL (private pilot license). This is _very_
| technical (a lot of IT folks love it) and has a steep learning
| curve. After starting doing this you 'll feel much better again,
| because you'll have an exciting goal to achieve.
| WadeWatts8472 wrote:
| Might be wrong but this sounds more like depression to me than
| aging. I've had a few bad ~6 month bouts of this and always the
| strongest symptom was a total lack of interest in things that I
| know I used to enjoy very much. It seems to happen to me once
| every 5 years or so (I'm 49).
|
| Personally, drugs and CBT never helped me with these. They might
| help you. I mostly just put my head down and kept coding for work
| and did nothing after work but lay down. I just had no interest
| in reading or watching TV or anything. If I hadn't had kids to
| support, I would not have been able to force myself to go to work
| either.
|
| Eventually time would pass and it would go away and I would
| remember how much I liked coding and how much I liked all of my
| hobbies.
|
| It's very hard to imagine ever returning to normal when you're in
| some sort of depressive episode. But statistically speaking, you
| almost certainly will. That knowledge always helped me to get
| through them. These is a good chance that in 6-12 months, you
| might again be quite excited by new technologies and the thought
| of going to festivals/bars/clubs.
| jason0597 wrote:
| > Personally, drugs and CBT never helped me with these.
|
| Can I ask what medication/drugs were you given (or gave to
| yourself) when you went through these periods?
| WadeWatts8472 wrote:
| I had one bout of this (by far the worst) in like 2003. I
| think I tried every SSRI out there at the time plus lithium
| plus a bunch of stuff that like 3 different psychiatrists
| prescribed over a year. I would try something for like 2-6
| weeks and then try another. I honestly don't remember the
| full list. None of it helped me.
|
| SSRIs in particular did not work well for me because they
| really interfered with my natural sleep cycle and this did
| not go away after 6 weeks as the doctors hoped. I would just
| bolt awake sweating after like 3 hours of sleep which made
| things much, much worse.
|
| I never tried any illegal drugs. I've read good reports about
| psychadelics in some cases. But I've never tried anything
| like that.
|
| I did try benzodiazapines during my last bout like 3 years
| ago. They were wonderful at first. Klonopin made me feel so
| relaxed somehow that it fixed everything else. I slept great
| and was interested in everything again. I thought I'd found
| the fix. But then it stopped working. They recommended
| increasing my dose. But I read horror stories about what
| happens there (see Jordan Peterson saga). So I tapered off.
| It was awful. I would wake up after 2 hours having a panic
| attack and not be able to get back to sleep. It took like an
| extra 3 months after tapering off until I was back to just
| regular depressed :). Would not recommend these! Read the
| benzo recovery reddit.
| brabarossa wrote:
| I can recommend shrooms. First experience was
| groundbreaking. It allowed to see how my habits (and
| thoughts) are pulling me down. Mushrooms are easy to grow
| and not addictive.
| contidrift wrote:
| You found out your old life isn't fulfilling anymore - and that's
| great! Better to face it than hide from it.
|
| Well, you have money and time so it should be easy to go find
| what it is that truly moves you! It won't be stuff you already
| know. Also, it helps to do things differently... don't be trapped
| in the "old you" persona. That's just something we make up to
| make reality feel more solid. Define yourself based on what's
| going on right now, and not based on old notions of you.
|
| Your spirit (if you will) is begging you change the way you live
| so just go along with it.
| umvi wrote:
| In my unpopular opinion, almost every person yearns for a sense
| of identity and purpose. Veritasium sums up these yearnings of
| the soul nicely in his "Our Greatest Delusion" video. However, I
| disagree with his conclusion. I don't think these yearnings are a
| delusion nor do I think embracing nihilism or hedonism or drugs
| or other distractions is the solution. I think ultimately these
| yearnings are there because God is real and purpose and identity
| can be discovered by getting closer to the being that created us.
|
| So, my advice would be to explore religion and see if it starts
| having a positive effect on your sense of purpose in life. Even
| if you pick a "wrong" religion, I think God can still work with
| that and help you understand your purpose vs. no religion. IMO,
| just like software, religious/spiritual belief is an incremental
| process.
| MalamuteDog wrote:
| Find contentment in what you have and not in what you want. What
| you want is not true, a falsehood, quite often when we actively
| seek out our fantasies they fail to live up to our expectations,
| ergo it is the thought of something that appeals to us not the
| thing itself. Real fulfilment is serendipitous and you are only
| partly have agency in that. If you go though life stressing about
| what you have not the possibility for misery is as endless as
| your imagination. Look for the beauty in what you have, a morning
| sunrise while out jogging, a house, a quiet morning on your own
| terms, look for moments of peace in what you experience look for
| the tao and love it. You have been to festivals in your 20s,
| there's nothing else for you to learn there, it's made you wiser
| and to continue to act like you are 20 will just be an empty form
| of masterbation. Oh and get a dog, possibly a malamute and walk
| it twice a day, it's all you need really, the rest is details.
| SimianLogic wrote:
| I'm 38 w/wife and 2 kids. I like to think that I don't have any
| time for myself any more. Looking back over the last few years,
| I've dipped a toe into the following hobbies:
|
| paddleboarding, biking, fixing up a rental property, sewing,
| electronics, bought an internet business to run as a side hustle,
| minecraft (family realm), weightlifting/fitness + fixing my sleep
| (down 30 lbs in 15 mo), sauna (not really a hobby, but ~30
| min/day), crypto, knitting, breadmaking, pottery, ukulele, piano,
| rock climbing, disc golf, pickleball
|
| Find activities that make you happy and double down on those. Pay
| for classes/coaches. Travel has been pretty much nonexistent the
| last few years (thanks covid), so we've had to spend a lot of
| time/money on figuring out how we can stay put and not kill each
| other.
|
| On the job side, remote work means way more opportunities to find
| interesting work. Or buy something neat on MicroAcquire and learn
| how to grow it if you feel like you don't have what it takes to
| start something. (I don't say that negatively -- I started a lot
| of things that never went anywhere, but I find that I enjoy the
| operations/optimization side a lot more and have enjoyed
| tinkering on a business I bought in 2018).
|
| (edit: forgot lists don't work)
| y42 wrote:
| I'm at this point now, with almost 10 years more on my ledger.
| Between 30 and 40 I experienced the time of my life. I had not
| that much money but I traveled, got in touch with a lot of
| people, had some sporty hobbies, I was creative and yes I also
| dated a lot of women, but never was in a serious relationship.
| Looking back this would be what I call "freedom".
|
| No I got a child, a well payed job and no time for nothing. I'm
| still kind of excited for new stuff, but I just don't have the
| time to pursue that. And that makes me feel sad and not needed,
| too. I became a consumer, am not a creator anymore. And I don't
| know what to do about it.
|
| So yeah, not helpful, but I just wanna tell you, that you're not
| alone =)
| mym1990 wrote:
| It sounds like a rut! From the looks of it most people have
| touched on a lot of possible solutions. I might suggest doing
| something crazy and uncomfortable. Move to a foreign country, go
| into a new field of work, etc...
|
| I am in a similar headspace but at 31, but the truth is that life
| is just beginning in the 30s. You have experience AND money,
| which can open so many doors.
| Malamute wrote:
| Find contentment in what you have and not in what you want.
|
| What you want is not true, a falsehood, quite often when we
| actively seek out our fantasies they fail to live up to our
| expectations, ergo it is the thought of something that appeals to
| us not the thing itself.
|
| Real fulfilment is serendipitous and you are only partly have
| agency in that.
|
| If you go though life stressing about what you have not the
| possibility for misery is as endless as your imagination.
|
| Look for the beauty in what you have, a morning sunrise while out
| jogging, a house, a quiet morning on your own terms, look for
| moments of peace in what you experience look for the tao and love
| it.
|
| You have been to festivals in your 20s, there's nothing else for
| you to learn there, it's made you wiser and to continue to act
| like you are 20 will just be an empty form of masterbation.
|
| Oh and get a dog, possibly a malamute and walk it twice a day,
| it's all you need really, the rest is details.
| sprusemoose wrote:
| find something or someone to love
| carapace wrote:
| First of all, you're 35 and have half a million dollars US?
| Congratulations, you won "Life on Earth". I'm seriously, that's
| pretty awesome and you should be pretty stoked about that
| (privately! Publicly be modest or at least fake it well.)
|
| Also, 35 is not "getting old". Your time is not running out quite
| yet. If you live to be 70 you have another whole lifetime to work
| with, eh? If you live to 85 you have a half-century yet!
|
| Secondably, what do you have faith in? I don't mean religion
| necessarily, but the search for meaning in life is something to
| attempt sooner rather than later. If you were having the same
| problem at 50 or 60 it's kinda late in the game.
|
| Last but not least, try helping other people. It's very
| fulfilling.
|
| - - - -
|
| What you're going through is perfectly normal. I remember the day
| I woke up and nothing hurt and I was really happy about that, and
| then I thought, "I'm officially old now."
| xeromal wrote:
| For me, I developed strong feelings for my brother, mom, and
| sister and pursuing a relationship with each one of them has
| given me purpose. I was the same as you, but I realized I craved
| human interaction above all. It's really hard to just exist as a
| single person with acquaintances unless you're one of the rare
| people that are wired that way.
| earth_walker wrote:
| First and foremost, the constant feeling that time is running out
| is just the effect of a big marketing machine built to make you
| vulnerable to their suggestions. Life isn't a race, and certainly
| not a race for money and things.
|
| At 35 you are not even close to old, and even when you do become
| 'old' there will still be plenty of time for new things,
| excitement and fulfillment. It will just look different than when
| you were 20, and that's a good thing. Most 20 year olds are
| shallow and certainly not 'fulfilled' in any meaningful way.
| That's why they spend so much time escaping to festivals, bars
| and clubs.
|
| Feeling stuck, behind or in the doldrums is normal from time to
| time. It's a sign that you need a change. If you're single and
| with half a mil in the bank at 35, you're one of the very very
| lucky few. You aren't living paycheck-to-paycheck and no-one's
| dependent so you absolutely have the luxury of time, lots of it!
|
| You can afford to change things up, make some mistakes, and
| figure it out. Start with a focus on your health: both body and
| mind. Then you'll naturally get a better perspective on the other
| aspects of your life, and how to change them for the better.
|
| My life as I currently know it didn't even start until everything
| I had built fell apart around 40. Since then I've had 2 kids and
| third on the way, a couple of exciting career changes, built
| things with my hands, learned entirely new skills, navigated
| disasters. Just one example - I learned to ski at 40, and over
| the next few years trying to keep up with my wife I managed to
| learn enough to be able to do some of the most challenging and
| beautiful runs in the Rockies.
|
| To be honest I feel younger (at-heart) than when I was 30 and
| playing by the rules, living for the weekends. There are so many
| ways you can find fulfillment in life beyond socializing in
| entertainment venues.
|
| I'm nearing the 50 mark and expect the next decade to be just as
| full as the last. I probably won't be skiing many double-black
| diamonds, but you bet I'll be following my kids to the top of the
| mountain even if it's to wave at them and take the easier way
| down. I can't even imagine the adventures that face us.
|
| I'm sure you have no idea what's ahead for you, either. Just
| don't let it be another night on the couch in front of a screen.
| Look forward.
| alexashka wrote:
| You've laid out a number of things:
|
| > I feel like I haven't achieved much, both personally and
| professionally
|
| > I am single and haven't had a serious relationship for many
| years now.
|
| > As time went on, I started feeling less excited about
| everything, personal or work related
|
| > I feel like my time for everything is running out.
|
| Nobody is going to be able to untangle all these in a comment, so
| it wouldn't be fair to try. I'll give _one_ suggestion. Find
| someone who is qualified and willing to help you untangle all
| this.
|
| Would that be a friend? A relative? No, or it would've happened
| by now. So who? A good therapist :)
|
| If you can get past the judgement a lot of people who've never
| seen a therapist have, I think you'll find it very helpful. You
| have the money and if a therapist is not helpful after you've
| tried a few different ones, then at least you can cross it off
| your potential solutions list.
|
| This isn't an uncommon or unique set of thoughts to have by the
| way. That cult movie Fight Club is all about it. Its solution was
| to drop down to being violent apes. A solution I lean towards is
| moving up to being a conscious human being :)
|
| Good luck on your journey.
| FourthProtocol wrote:
| Time for everything IS running out. And no, there's no roadmap
| that shows you how to stop feeling lost. I'm 52 and that feeling
| becomes ever more intense. I wonder how I got here so quickly.
| I'm told THAT feeling intensifies at 70. That said, the way I
| deal with it is to accept. I accept my age; the feeling of time's
| fleetingness; that I will cease to be (god/Jesus, Viracocha,
| Mandaeism, Zoroastrianism... are constructs that do little to
| overcome this feeling).
|
| And so I live trying to being aware of each passing moment, and
| thinking about how I might better use the next moment. I have a
| personal web site on which I wrote down every major event in my
| life, and when I feel low I read that. I've achieved and done a
| lot. And I want to do a lot more. Mostly much more loving. In the
| both carnal and (obviously seperately) paternal senses.
|
| I have hobbies I love - I did not pick one randomly because one
| should have a hobby, but because I truly love building those
| things. Creating something I recognise as beautiful is rewarding
| as f***.
|
| I also keep fit and healthy and take some pride in having lasted
| so many years without gaining weight other than muscle mass. I've
| done a variety of drugs, I've broken the law, and I'm ok with all
| of that because I think I've loved more people than I've hurt.
|
| All these things... there's no _meaning_ or other weird
| existential shit that comes of it. Other than being at peace with
| myself, my place in this fleeting existence, and enjoying as much
| of it as I can, while I can.
|
| In parting, try sitting in a meeting and if there are women in
| the meeting, watch how men just talk right over them. And then
| interrupt those men, turn to the marginalised woman, and tell her
| you found her perspective interesting, and would she mind
| terribly repeating her thoughts. This is a probably hugely
| incoherent ramble about how I have learnt to actively try to get
| past what you describe. Some days are rough, most days amazing.
| womitt wrote:
| Man go check your t levels. Had similar symptoms, Innosupps
| t-drive made wonders
| tedesign wrote:
| jaynetics wrote:
| Let me rephrase that for you:
|
| "You have lots of savings, so you could try working for an
| NGO/NPO or even volunteer, either in tech or working directly
| with people. This can give you a surprisingly strong sense of
| purpose."
| agumonkey wrote:
| Reality is very tied to notion of success and regular supply of
| it (aka you need a few wins to feel better right now). That said
| with age the intensity of success vanishes, you care less about
| winning I assume and more about global balance of improvements,
| it's another kind of happiness (probably tuned to biological need
| to make a family)
| kensai wrote:
| At 35 having stashed $500k in savings. When do we swap?!
| justsomehnguy wrote:
| > turning 35 years soon
|
| > Now I feel too old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make
| new friends that way.
|
| LOL.
|
| No, you aren't old. You are just tired and forgot how to have
| fun.
|
| What to do with that is up to you, but you are in a desperate
| need for a new experiences and feelings.
|
| And with 500k in savings you have a pretty decent opportunity to
| just drop everything and be whatever you want to be for a
| day/week/month.
|
| Just make a list of things you did and didn't do for some reason
| - and if the thing is reasonable try to do it now.
|
| > turning 35 years soon
|
| > Now I feel too old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make
| new friends that way.
|
| /me writing this with a light hangover. I befriended a new person
| yesterday in a bar.
|
| 35 is definitely not 'too old'.
| kkwteh wrote:
| I was really depressed while doing my PhD, and something that
| helped me a lot was getting seriously involved in a social dance
| community.
|
| I think this could help you a lot. It really seems to me that
| what you're missing is human connection, and social dance is a
| way to facilitate it.
|
| There are dance communities with plenty of people your age. It's
| a totally different scene from bars and clubs. People don't drink
| very much because it gets in the way of dancing.
|
| It's also a good way to find potential relationship partners,
| although the primary interest should be the dancing, since people
| can tell if you're just there to hook up and that will come off
| as creepy and predatory.
| baobabKoodaa wrote:
| > It's also a good way to find potential relationship partners,
| although the primary interest should be the dancing, since
| people can tell if you're just there to hook up and that will
| come off as creepy and predatory.
|
| If anyone reading this is lonely and thinking of going to
| social outings for the purpose of finding a partner: do it.
| It's ok! It's not creepy or predatory.
|
| Furthermore, reading peoples' minds is very difficult, so
| people actually can't tell what motivated you to go to a social
| outing. It's okay to go to a social outing motivated by the
| prospect of finding a partner, and it's okay to say that you're
| out to "learn to dance" or to "have a drink" or any number of
| things.
| gexla wrote:
| 35 was the start of a great run which is continuing for me. That
| was the point where long-held islands of understanding about the
| world began making connections. A whole growing in power as it
| formed from the evolving mesh. I felt as though this time marked
| an explosion in curiosity which further propelled this lifelong
| investigation.
|
| Around this time, I also experienced a number of existential
| questions. There were financial problems. There was a break of a
| relationship which had already gone cold and another which I had
| started at the tail end of the first which was built on lies. I
| felt alone and vulnerable, as if I had been abandoned. I felt as
| if I were floating in a void.
|
| I realized that I had left behind rigid structures which defined
| my identity. It's not that I walked away from them, so much as
| they crumbled and I was left with emptiness. I had a choice of
| clinging on to the ruins, or further exploring this odd new space
| I found myself in. I decided that I would embrace the void. I
| found that without the old structures, I could instead create and
| and discard new ones. The creations would be like the fantasy
| worlds I created from my imagination as a child. I entered into a
| phase of play. I was Don Quixote fighting windmills.
|
| Embracing this void is sort of also embracing the art of being
| lost. I imagine that my identity could be anything and that I
| should jump from one to another as a continuation of wandering.
| Lately I have had an interest in doing performance as a street
| performing clown as an exploration of different paths of comedy.
| The clown suits me as taking on a character to remind myself and
| others not to take things too seriously. But there's also a
| seriousness to the place of comedy in our world. That's another
| critical point, that even though I have changed my relationship
| with structures which once carried great meaning, those
| structures are still important as a bridge for younger people to
| get to where I'm at. We need these structures, we need Santa or
| something like it when we're children. Also realize that part of
| the reason you feel lost may be that society necessarily treats
| younger people differently. At some point, like in Judge Dredd,
| you get exiled from this special place. But you'll find the life
| in exile is much richer in experience. I wouldn't go back.
|
| One piece of advice that I always give, is to look into taking
| improv classes. The most basic idea of improv is the "yes, and"
| approach of interacting with others, which you can apply to
| everything. Whatever the universe throws at me, I'll respond back
| with a "yes... and" - and we'll all laugh at the result.
|
| This is a special moment. Congrats. And welcome to the other
| side.
| jowdones wrote:
| CyanDeparture wrote:
| Joing a few different sports clubs and you might find a sport you
| like. I joined the boxing one and it turned out I really like it
| (I do not like football that's for sure). The best thing is
| everyone goes to the pub after so it's a great way to make a few
| new friends, there will be one or two people there you get on
| great with. I did try about maybe 10 sports before I settled on
| boxing, I even tried yoga and spinning, which both were not for
| me too.
| [deleted]
| low_tech_love wrote:
| Stay alive and keep pushing. You have 500k, come on. :)
| fullshark wrote:
| Riding out the wave from the last tech boom, one day I'll look at
| my savings + day to day work and decide it's time to retire and
| that will be that.
| kelnos wrote:
| > _I increasingly wish I could go back to my 20s. Now I feel too
| old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make new friends that
| way._
|
| I'm 40, and I guarantee you are not too old for things. If you
| used to meet new people in bars, you still can. No, you shouldn't
| go to bars that are predominately people in their early 20s. Find
| bars (and other venues) that tend to attract a crowd closer to
| your age. As much as I dislike meetup.com, resources like that
| can help you find people who like to do the things you like to
| do, and can introduce you to new things if you're willing to take
| a leap.
|
| I will admit that the pool of people is probably smaller. People
| pair off and start families as they get older. Even if they only
| pair off, couples probably "go out" less often than single
| people. But also consider that people are getting married later
| and starting families later these days. So there are still likely
| plenty of people out and about who share your values and likes.
|
| > _I feel like I 've seen most things before, and it's all just
| different iterations of the same._
|
| To some extent that's true, probably. But maybe that means you
| need some new hobbies. I assume by your "excited about new
| technologies" line that you're a software developer or similar.
| I, too, play around with tech as a hobby in addition to my job,
| but make sure you're branching out and doing other things that
| have nothing to do with tech.
|
| > _I am single and haven 't had a serious relationship for many
| years now._
|
| Don't put too much pressure on yourself, or attach too many
| expectations to this, as that will have the opposite effect. If
| you're having trouble meeting people, try dating apps. They're
| far from perfect, but they help you get out there, and help you
| meet new people without having the stress of (for example) making
| a cold approach in a bar or something. Even if you don't find a
| long-term relationship on the apps, you may find it builds your
| confidence and helps you get back into the groove of meeting
| people.
|
| > _When I was ~30 I still considered myself young and able to do
| anything I could do when I was in my 20s. But not anymore now. I
| feel like my time for everything is running out. Have you been
| through a similar thing? How did you deal with it?_
|
| When I turned 30, I remember the 6 months or so leading up to it
| were a little stressful for me. The idea of leaving my 20s made
| me feel like I was "getting old", and I started cataloging what
| I'd done, and worried that it wasn't enough. But then I turned
| 30, and realized nothing special happened during that transition.
| I was still the same person, and I could still do what I wanted
| to do. Turning 40 last summer was similar. Sure, I'm realizing
| some things have changed: my body is aging, and I get injured
| (and take longer to heal) than I used to. I can't drink like I
| used to without consequences the next day. But I'm still me. I
| can still hang out with my friends, even those who have kids now.
| I can still invite people over for dinner. I can still go to bars
| with friends to catch up over beer or cocktails. I can still go
| out to restaurants. I can still go out to my favorite karaoke bar
| and have a wild night, as long as I don't do it too often (well,
| ok, haven't done that since the lull before COVID delta, and
| between delta and omicron).
|
| You're turning 35, and even if you die somewhat on the young
| side, you're only a little more than a quarter of the way through
| your adult life. You have plenty of time to learn new things,
| develop new hobbies, further your career, meet new people, find a
| significant other, etc. While you need to try not to put crushing
| pressure on yourself to achieve these things, you also need to
| just get out and keep doing stuff that gives you the opportunity
| to accomplish these things.
| adnmcq999 wrote:
| Yup. All of this except not professionally successful.
|
| The economy is mostly based on people trying to fill a void. I
| was able to fill that w a person's "love" but they left me for a
| younger, higher-earner who is probably better in bed too. I guess
| you better just accept it, try and be healthy, talk about it with
| friends and maybe something will come along that really does make
| you happy if you "get out there" whatever that means
| dqpb wrote:
| One thing that's better than being young is being a parent.
| Caring for your child as they grow takes the sting off of getting
| older yourself.
| BirAdam wrote:
| My advice for you being the same age:
|
| The first thing is regular exercise, hydration, and meditation.
| If I fail on these at any point my mind goes to shit.
|
| Second, humans are a pack animal. You are right that your peers
| won't be in clubs or bars. You aren't either so why would they
| be? If you are looking for a romantic partner to start your pack,
| you can look online. Talk values first is my advice there. For
| companions who aren't romantically involved with you, try going
| to events near you in your part of the industry or in a hobby.
|
| Third, get a hobby. Humans are not bees or ants. We need more
| than work and the hive. We need to feel passionate and
| productive. If your main job does not offer these, it is time for
| a hobby.
|
| I've gone to pretty dark places internally, and have at various
| points in my life had very bad mental health. My mental health
| really seemed to stabilize in my late 20s. Now, I'm doing better
| than I ever have and I owe to these things above.
| almost_usual wrote:
| Ended up buying a house and having kids, seems like everyone else
| my age is doing the same. Don't have time to feel lost.
| alea_iacta_est wrote:
| At 35, it's not an uncommon feeling, some call it a mid-life
| crisis.
|
| The reason imo is it's an age when we start feeling our body is
| getting old, the feeling of "immortality" of our 20s is gone, we
| realize the clock is ticking.
|
| Add to that what happens those last 2 years, the isolation,
| especially if you're single, and so of course it's a hard period
| for you.
|
| Personally, the way I dealt with it, was through reading
| everything I could find about philosophy, particularly stoicism
| and buddhism. It helped me a lot, taught me how those feelings
| are unavoidable at times, how the mind create that pain and how
| to make it more easily manageable.
|
| But there's no secret weapon, no magic cure, life is painful at
| time, and things get better by themselves as long as we don't add
| to it by feeling guity or thinking "it's not fair". Some
| realization takes time, so be patient and gentle to yourself, one
| day at a time.
|
| Good luck friend.
| kuhzaam wrote:
| Any particular books you'd recommend to someone uninitiated to
| buddhism/stoicism?
| alea_iacta_est wrote:
| Here you go:
|
| For stoicism:
|
| - "Enchiridion" of Epictetus. - "Meditations" by Marcus
| Aurelius (my personal favorite that I keep reading over and
| over). - "Letters from a stoic" from Seneca.
|
| It's not a lot of authors but they're pretty dense and should
| keep you busy for a long time.
|
| For buddhism, it's a very vast subject, but I'd start with:
|
| - "Siddhartha", this is a novel but will give you an overview
| on the buddhist system of thoughts. It's also very well
| written and inspiring.
|
| - "What the Buddha Taught", also an introductory book on
| buddhist toughts. - Another introductory book is "Buddhism
| for Beginners".
|
| From there, and based on your interests that you will
| discover along the way, go into the "suttas" which are the
| religious texts. You may even want to go to a time before
| buddhism with the vedas and the Upanishads that have so much
| to teach us.
|
| There are many schools of buddhism, some closer to what we'd
| call a religion in the west while others purely philosophical
| (without any emphasis on a god). Zen buddhism is yet another
| category, where the teaching is based almost entirely on
| mediation alone but it's the exception, even if in the west
| we often think buddhism = meditation, but it's not so.
|
| So, as you can see, it's more a tree than a line and you'll
| figure it out as you go if it resonnates with you and how
| deep you want to go.
|
| Enjoy!
| bachmeier wrote:
| > Have you been through a similar thing?
|
| More than once, as I guess is true of most people over 40
|
| > How did you deal with it?
|
| Figure out what is important to me and find ways to spend more
| time doing that. Neither was easy.
| [deleted]
| ctvo wrote:
| You're more lucky than at least 99% of the people on Earth.
| You're young, educated, presumably healthy, and skilled. You have
| enough savings to survive for years if you budget well. I share
| some of those privileges, and it fills me with a deep sense of
| gratitude when I reflect on it. This leads to a desire to give
| back and help others. How you channel that is up to you.
|
| There's so much more to the human experience than tech. I didn't
| have a liberal arts education, and spending time filling those
| gaps led to a new appreciation for literature, music, history,
| and philosophy. This expanded my pool of hobbies, and helps me
| connect with other people across more topics.
|
| I assume you run or work out or something already so I'll skip
| the physical activity bit.
| quacked wrote:
| This ought to give you some good pointers:
|
| https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/10/marc_marons_mid-life...
| sjtgraham wrote:
| > I increasingly wish I could go back to my 20s. Now I feel too
| old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make new friends that
| way.
|
| This is all in your head. When was the last time you were
| somewhere, saw someone and thought "ugh, oh my god look at that
| old loser"? Probably never if you're a good person. Most people
| are good. So go out and enjoy your life!
| weisk wrote:
| [disclaimer: i agree 100% with your thinking], but... > When
| was the last time you thought, oh my god look at that old loser
|
| last night
| asciimov wrote:
| Nice humble brag there guy. I'd kill have that kind of savings
| and those life experiences.
|
| As hokey as it sounds, practice mindfulness or meditation. You
| need to learn acceptance and self love.
|
| Also, you should work on getting healthy and start lifting
| weights if you are not already. I'm not telling you to bulk up,
| but resistance training is a must for better health.
|
| I warn you, 35 is when the factory warranty comes off and health
| issues start popping up. Half of health issues are just down to
| the luck of the genetic lottery, the other half you can actively
| work on. Might get a checkup and work on any issues you may have.
| Borrible wrote:
| I started my IT career at your age. In my twenties, I worked as a
| nurse in trauma intensive care. Saw some ugly stuff.
|
| Do the world, which took about 3.5 billion years to spawn you, a
| favor for a few months:
|
| https://hospicefoundation.org/Volunteer
|
| Gives a whole new perspective.
|
| But if not, gallows humor is more pleasant anyway.
|
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRHN5vxnZrI
| jkhdigital wrote:
| 38 here, and I relate to your feeling that time is short. Mid-30s
| definitely seem to be an inflection point between youth and
| middle age. Youth is for new experiences and broadening horizons;
| middle age is for stability and family.
| rgrieselhuber wrote:
| 35 is still quite young. Travel is harder now than it used to be
| but if you're in the US, a long road trip around the country can
| do wonders.
| paulsutter wrote:
| > traveled and lived in different countries, had 2 failed
| startups, and have about $500k in savings
|
| You've had a rich life experience, and you have a very strong
| personal financial situation. Congratuations. Everyone has ups
| and downs, you'll find your next goals soon
| natch wrote:
| Wow, the ageism is strong in this one. Get over it, really.
| You'll need to because you are just starting on this journey.
|
| It's not your age. It's you. Taking responsibility and not
| letting age be an excuse is the first step.
| eecc wrote:
| Adult life is demarcated by transitions just as childhood.
| Although a bit dated, you might find this useful:
| https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/205587.The_Seasons_of_a_...
| dudeinjapan wrote:
| Whenever I find myself feeling like you do right now, I watch
| this video from Bill Hicks: "It's just a ride"
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgzQuE1pR1w
| hogrider wrote:
| Nothing has any meaaning so nothing really matters, embrace the
| absurd.
| mirceal wrote:
| You don't deal with it. Here is the thing: the key to happiness
| is having 0 expectations. When you have 0 expectations everything
| that comes your way is a bonus.
|
| To put things in perspective: it's really easy to look at other
| people and thing: gee, by 35 they did X, Y and Z. Doing this
| means that you reduce those other people to X, Y and Z. You are
| not X, Y or Z. You are a human being that can grow on multiple
| dimensions and that more likely than not had unique initial
| conditions and unique environmental conditions compared to anyone
| else.
|
| As long as: 1) you're healthy 2) you're enjoying what you are
| doing 3) you feel like you're growing along one or more dimension
| I would not fret it.
|
| Time is not running out. Actually, your best years are ahead of
| you. You maybe no longer have the optimism you had when younger,
| but the realism you have now means you can actually get shit done
| and you can attack problems that you ideally can solve. That's
| enough.
|
| The key of happiness is having 0 expectations and being happy
| with what you have.
| superjan wrote:
| Finding a partner and starting a family is a boring social norm
| and has been for millennia. It does provide a sense of purpose.
| In terms of professional success, what would be enough? Making
| millions on a startup? Billions?A turing award? Starting the next
| computing trend?
| thom wrote:
| You're not old, you're young, and by any reasonable measure
| fabulously wealthy. Kudos! If you spend the rest of your life
| telling yourself "I should have done this 10 years ago" as an
| excuse not to do it now then yes, you will never live your life.
| But you have infinite opportunities and nothing is stopping you
| pursuing them except you.
| jays wrote:
| This happened to me around 35 as well.
|
| It's important to recognize that you're still young in the grand
| scheme of things.
|
| A lot of the other comments recommend making friends, having
| kids, getting married, etc. Those things might help, but can also
| make things worse. And ultimately, they might not necessarily fix
| what YOU need.
|
| It sounds like you lack meaning in your life, motivation, and a
| clear direction.
|
| It's important that you spend some time thinking about what you
| want your life to look like to create the happiness you desire.
| What's missing? What do you want to be working on? What will
| provide you fulfillment? etc.
|
| You might need to go explore some new hobbies or experiences to
| figure it out, but therein lies the exciting part of life. Try
| something new and don't be afraid to fail. It's just part of
| journey.
|
| Once you've got that picture of what you want your life to look
| out, write it down. Then start making 2-3 year plans to move your
| life into that direction. This should help get you excited (or
| scared). Use it motivate yourself to get to your desired end
| goal.
| kkoncevicius wrote:
| In your situation I would start some kind of psychological
| therapy. You have a substantial amount of money so find someone
| competent. I started going to therapy when I was 35 as well, and
| my therapist said that for the first-time clients this is the
| most common age group, as defence mechanism that were working
| when people were young start to break down. Based on what you
| wrote - sounds exactly what might be happening with you.
| newaccount2021 wrote:
| justbrowsingthx wrote:
| Would you elaborate on what you mean by defense mechanisms in
| this case? I'm guessing it's on a psychological level, but
| unsure against what exactly.
| scotty79 wrote:
| Against existential dread maybe? Against awareness of lack of
| meaning?
| kkoncevicius wrote:
| Defence mechanism defines how a person deals with stress and
| anxiety [1].
|
| For example one common defence mechanism among younger
| intellectual types is rationalisation [2]. A person might get
| asked why they don't have children and respond with something
| like "I don't have the money, today children are so
| expensive", or "I enjoy my free time too much to be bothered
| with children", or "there are already too many humans on the
| planet, I don't want to make the problem worse", etc. But in
| their subconscious the fact everyone around them starts
| having children while they don't might silently be causing
| anxiety. When a person gets older such rationalisations can
| break down, i.e. "I enjoy my free time too much" might not
| work when you are 35 and start to feel lonely, so the stress
| that was once suppressed by a defence mechanism rises up.
|
| That's just my layman's understanding of it.
|
| [1]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanism
|
| [2]:
| https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rationalization_(psychology)
| j7ake wrote:
| At some point in ones life, it can become more rewarding to
| mentor the next generation of people to your craft rather than
| continuing to go on your own.
|
| Mentorship with the young generation couples the energy of the
| mentee with the experience to avoid pitfalls from the mentor.
|
| One example of this are professors. Many of them you may noticed
| never want to retire. They are often in an ideal stimulating
| environment that only improves with time. Every year a young
| batch of eager students wanting to learn arrive, while profs
| provide the taste and quality control to direct the energy.
| tomxor wrote:
| > Mentorship with the young generation couples the energy of
| the mentee with the experience to avoid pitfalls from the
| mentor.
|
| I find this interesting - I've sort of had a taste of this with
| an extreme sport, a very casual mentorship of a friend at a not
| dissimilar age with a huge quantity of enthusiasm but little
| previous experience. I noticed the enthusiasm definitely
| transfers, and what was old can seem new again - not only that
| but I can take that enthusiasm to explore new aspects of the
| sport and push myself further. I haven't quite found the same
| experience in technical work yet, but I feel I could do with
| some renewed enthusiasm there too.
|
| It may not even necessarily be mentorship, just being in good
| company with enthusiastic, friendly and interesting people. As
| a fairly introverted person it's open my eyes a bit to how much
| the people around me can affect my mood and engagement with the
| world.
| jordanpg wrote:
| I'm 42 and in a similar place. I'm in my third year of law school
| and about to become a patent attorney -- a 4th career. Hopefully
| this one brings me happiness and fulfillment. /s
|
| For me, (accidentally) having a kid has catapulted my life
| forward a bit in terms of feeling comfortable in my shoes.
|
| What I came here to add, is something I'm often thinking about
| these days: you need to figure out what role money has in your
| life. How much of it do you want, and why?
|
| Yes, I realize this is a gross subject, but I think, at least in
| the US, we are not sufficiently honest about this.
|
| I think it's OK to want more of it, or lots of it. Or less of it.
| Or an average amount. But you need to own that decision and reach
| a place where you're genuinely comfortable with what you have, or
| want.
|
| Then you can figure out what you're going to do with your time.
| Are you going to work towards getting lots of money? Then every
| act needs to be in service of that goal. Do you just want to be
| rich at retirement? Do the math -- carefully -- and make sure you
| will be rich at retirement, and figure out exactly what income
| you need to achieve that. Are you happy with a modest income and
| wealth? Huzzah, you can relax.
|
| Once you've admitted to yourself what role money has in your
| life, then you can go about figuring out your hobbies or workout
| routine or spirituality, or whatever. But I am increasingly of
| the opinion that savage honesty about how much money we need to
| be happy has to come first.
| [deleted]
| vanusa wrote:
| I'm just going to comment in this aspect:
|
| _Now I feel too old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make
| new friends that way._
|
| Don't know where you live, but in NYC and certain other cities
| the the bars and clubs (depending which ones you go to) are
| _packed_ with geezers. Really, it seems like like you 've bought
| into some image of "youth" which holds that only under-30 types
| get to do "fun" things. But which just isn't ... grounded in
| reality.
|
| If you genuinely enjoy music and the vibe at these places (again,
| depends which ones you go to) -- then there is absolutely no age
| limit, expressed or implied. And anything who thinks there is, is
| well... square beyond square.
| naveen99 wrote:
| Time is always running out. Even when you were 20, there wasn't
| enough time to do everything. Even a 100 lifetimes isn't enough
| to do everything. But the universe of things doable in seconds,
| minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades is still a
| lot, and if you can pay / persuade others to join your goal,
| certainly larger than what most 20 year olds can accomplish.
| danieldk wrote:
| _I feel like my time for everything is running out. Have you been
| through a similar thing? How did you deal with it?_
|
| Professionally, I have felt that. I have been in academia for a
| long time, and there are always people who are smarter, more
| successful, etc. So by my mid-30ies I often felt like I had an
| ok-ish academic career, I could probably get a permanent
| position. But I have frequently felt like the point of making a
| mark has passed (which is probably false) and that I failed. For
| me it helped to do something really different. First, I consulted
| for about a year, then I was offered a position in a _really_
| nice company and I am enjoying it a lot.
|
| I used to go to a lot of concerts and go to clubs, but by the
| mid-30s I noticed that my body needs much more regular sleep,
| etc. and I can't take alcohol as much, etc. Also, that lifestyle
| becomes much harder with a child. So, we have a far more
| disciplined life now and I only drink a glass of wine with a nice
| dinner every few weeks or so. However, we found a lot of
| enjoyment in other things. E.g. we usually take a 1 week break
| every few months were we hire a small house near a national park
| or on an island. We usually cycle a lot, go to restaurants, enjoy
| nature, etc. It's always a lot of fun and there is always
| something to look forward to.
|
| I also re-read Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind every few years [1]. The
| book is about Zen meditation practice, but the idea of finding
| and approaching things with a beginner's mind is widely
| applicable.
|
| [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zen_Mind,_Beginner%27s_Mind
| erwincoumans wrote:
| You may have the opportunity to help others (students?) make
| their mark. That could be very rewarding.
| brightball wrote:
| You reflect on what's really important and use all those problem
| solving skills to focus on that instead.
|
| I'm a big believer that loneliness is there to motivate us to
| change.
| mullikine wrote:
| You can start by forgetting what age you are and hang out with
| the people of the age you feel like hanging out with. Bars are a
| waste of time, sure -- they're noisy and pretty mindless. But
| that's not what you really want. There might be younger people
| you might get on with but literally all you need to do is be the
| age you are inside, and make those friends. You're at the age
| when you have figured out what doesn't make you happy, evidently.
| But then maybe you know what `would` make you happy, if you could
| attain it, so go after what you want.
|
| Feeling is the Secret (1944) by Neville Goddard
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffNWoefuwPM
| h4t wrote:
| I feel the same. Will be looking at this thread to look at
| suggestions at a later date.
| ramijames wrote:
| Have you gone traveling? I found that spending a few years on the
| road dramatically changed the way that I saw myself, my place in
| the world, and my worldview as a whole.
|
| Concepts like "achievement" are not fixed in stone, and are yours
| to define. Perhaps it is time that you take that challenge on,
| and define for yourself what success means to you. It doesn't
| have to be academic, career, or family oriented. It can be
| anything that you want it to be. But, it does have to come from
| yourself if you want it to be meaningful.
| [deleted]
| resonious wrote:
| I agree completely but just thought I'd point out that OP
| mentioned having traveled and even lived in multiple countries.
| camillomiller wrote:
| You have half a million in savings at 35, and you feel like you
| haven't accomplished anything?
|
| I think you're describing depression, anyway, and that's the real
| reason why you feel this way.
|
| Invest in therapy, to help you cope with the fact that life isn't
| about having a purpose. You seem to be let down by this idea of
| "accomplishment" that is engrained into our brains since
| childhood by our capitalistic society. I'm sure that you can look
| back and find out many accomplishments, plus you could try and do
| things for the sake of it. That helped me ;)
| Digit-Al wrote:
| Firstly, stop this rubbish about getting old; with current life
| expectancies I wouldn't even consider someone middle aged until
| they are their forties. Old is probably late sixties to
| seventies. You still have a long way to go :-)
|
| Secondly, stop trying to define your life by "achieving". I know
| this is a difficult one, I'm still (sort of) struggling with this
| one. Achievements are ephemeral. Only an incredibly tiny minority
| of people achieve anything really significant, and even then
| those significant achievements often only touch a small minority
| of the world. It helps to bear in mind that about 99.9999% of the
| worlds population have no awareness of your existence.
|
| The problem with trying to achieve something awesome is that
| either you never manage it; in which case you are left
| permanently unfulfilled and with a sense of failure; or you do
| achieve it, in which case: what then? You are suddenly left
| having to find another goal.
|
| I think it is better to just find small ways to enjoy your life
| and work as much as you need to support those interests.
|
| I am 51 and I still go to see bands at pubs regularly. I know
| people in their 30s right through to their 70s who are still
| going out watching rock bands. Hell, I know a couple guys who
| play in bands and their mum, who has just turned 90, still goes
| out to see them play and likes a dance. I also go to little
| festivals with friends who are all in their 50's and 60's.
|
| If you are feeling too old when you go to bars and stuff you are
| probably going to venues that have a younger crowd. Look around
| and you can find plenty of places that are patronised by people
| that are a similar age to you. Many of those, both male and
| female will be single and probably feeling some of the same
| things you do.
|
| Finally, don't feel alone in this. There are vast numbers of
| people who feel similar to you. I am single and have been for a
| very long time, but just recently - completely by chance - have
| sort of stumbled into something promising. I also handed in my
| notice at work recently and finish at the end of the month. I am
| taking a year off to just enjoy myself and am very excited about
| it.
|
| Good luck, and don't beat yourself up about stuff. Just remember,
| we're all a bit lost and stumbling through life the best we can
| :-)
| altgeek wrote:
| <<Firstly, stop this rubbish about getting old; with current
| life expectancies I wouldn't even consider someone middle aged
| until they are their forties. Old is probably late sixties to
| seventies. You still have a long way to go :-)>>
|
| Definitely agree here. When you look at it from a "midlife"
| angle, let's use some round numbers. Let's say that life is
| really kicking into high gear as you finish college at ~20yrs
| old. Make another guess as to the mortality event at ~80yrs. A
| 60 year diff, so 20+diff = ~50 as the midpoint. You're only
| halfway there and there is an infinity of experiences and
| things to learn out there.
|
| As many have surmised, if you are having trouble getting out of
| bed to face the day, you could be clinically depressed.
| matwood wrote:
| Good post.
|
| > Secondly, stop trying to define your life by "achieving".
|
| It's easier said than done, but once I started focusing on the
| journey instead of the destination everything became much more
| enjoyable.
|
| I used to get angry when something would not go to plan, but
| now I view it as a good story in the making. Bugs being
| discovered in code are now fun problems to solve. I power
| lifted for years and learned to enjoy the grind because I might
| go months before being able to add weight to a lift. Now I
| train jiu-jitsu and instead of thinking about some end state, I
| focus on enjoying the suck when getting smashed. Even something
| simple like raining outside. I don't run to my car, I purposely
| walk and enjoy the drops on my face.
|
| It may sound silly, but this focus on the journey and being
| comfortable being uncomfortable really changed me for the
| better according to my friends and SO.
| gexla wrote:
| This is a great answer, and similar to mine. I feel there are a
| couple of things which happen around 35.
|
| - As a child, you feel special. At 35, it's as if you have been
| out so far from receiving presents from Santa that you sort of
| cross the heliosphere into interstellar space. You're no longer
| special. You're no longer the future in this society which has
| drilled into us the idea of (if you're from the US) American
| exceptionalism. It's now your turn to do meaning making for
| others.
|
| - 35 is the breaking point for carrying the old structures
| which defined your identity. The above plays a big part in that
| tipping point. You were in a cocoon, which was crafted by
| society to get you to this breaking stage so that you could
| create your own reality. The entire time, you were changing.
| 35ish is the point where things start crashing down.
|
| - Along with the above, there's often another event which helps
| tip you over. Loss of a relationship and a job will usually do
| the trick.
|
| - Once you emerge from the cocoon, you're like "WTF?" Where am
| I? Who am I? What do I do now? The answer is, you're now free,
| do whatever TF you like! Though this isn't an overnight change.
| It's the start of a learning process to live in this new
| existence. It's like you have been born and have to figure out
| how to walk again, except you have to do this while paying
| rent.
|
| Maybe not everyone goes through this. But I sure did!
| crazylifetwist wrote:
| Thanks for this, it really resonates.
|
| I'd add therapy/coaching helps in making sense of the
| journey, as you can't really figure out everything about you
| from within.
| gexla wrote:
| Therapy is a good point, especially if you're in the group
| where financial position isn't part of a problem. I suspect
| there's far more people who could benefit from therapy than
| is currently utilizing it.
|
| Edit: Check out my other comment in this thread as well, I
| went a bit deeper there.
| nobodyofnote wrote:
| This is a wonderful post, and really represents my lived
| experience for the past few years. It's like having to start
| all over again - a complete dismemberment experience - only
| with 1/10th the energy and 100x the responsibilities (ie:
| kids).
|
| Your words inspire me and help me to feel that there's an
| after, because it's been a very long and grueling few years.
| RichardHeart wrote:
| Build a stronger "why." If you get the "why" right, everything
| else gets a lot easier. You're an emotional creature, work
| directly on the emotion. The founder of KFC started the business
| at the age of 62.
| skinney6 wrote:
| We are insignificant and meaningless. Just look at that data. We
| live on a planet that's billions of years old in a solar system
| that's probably even older. Currently each one of us is but one
| of almost 8 billion others currently alive right now. One day you
| will die with millions of others. Not long after that anyone that
| has a memory of you will die. You will be completely erased.
|
| You can see that as depressing if you want. I see it a
| liberating. Accept your current experience for what it is. Not
| what your silly little mind thinks it _should_ be. When you do
| that there is no room for discontent, only happiness, peace and
| contentment. Live life for what it is; a beautiful dream.
| notapenny wrote:
| I started reading about the universe and everything in it
| sometime last year. I was in a shit place due to some stuff in
| our family, but I found it liberating as well, to think about
| how small we are in the scale of things or against the time
| scale of things. Besides it being a cool new hobby, it really
| sobered me up on what's important to me.
| ironslob wrote:
| I turned 40 recently, and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. My
| relationship had just ended, my startup had gone on ice thanks to
| Covid, and the international move I'd just made reversed in the
| space of days (due to the break-up). The feeling of "what am I
| doing with my life?" hit hard, I'd already been doing therapy for
| a while, but the lack of fulfilment and satisfaction is still
| there.
|
| Technology bores me mostly, even though it's what I'm good at. I
| feel like time is running out to do something, I just don't know
| what that something is. It's really tough to figure out what you
| want to do, and how you go about doing it.
|
| BUT you're not alone! Speaking to friends, and possibly to a
| therapist, will help you to process the feelings that you're
| having, and may help to take steps forward. I'm trying to find
| enjoyment in tech again, but if I don't then I'm going to go find
| enjoyment in something else - likely something drastic, knowing
| my history! Ride a bike, go on holiday, join a club, read a book.
| There's so much out there, it's about being brave enough to go
| and do something different.
|
| At least that's what it is for me.
| jpetso wrote:
| If you get bored by technology but want to give it another
| shot, see if you can find meaning around making it work for and
| with other people.
|
| Perhaps you have an offline community that could benefit from
| some kind of automation, like generating tax receipts from a
| PDF template or organizing their resources and processes in a
| way (website?) that's useful for members.
|
| Perhaps you're passionate about user freedoms, you explore an
| open source desktop environment and related apps but you find
| that it's still lacking in usability, stability or features.
| You dive in to make it better and in addition to doing good
| things for society as a whole, you also form bonds with other
| members of that developer community, first online, later at in-
| person meetups.
|
| Perhaps you have an interest in mentoring and learning from
| each other, so you find like-minded people in your town. It
| could be coding meetups, pair programming sessions, conferences
| and presentations, helping tech noobs find their way into the
| industry. You might learn a bit and also pass on some of your
| own knowledge and experiences.
|
| Either way, people-focused tech provides a different kind of
| fulfillment than tech for tech's sake. Worth a shot if you
| hadn't already tried to make it a focus!
| slothtrop wrote:
| pressing a red button all day would still suck even if it
| cured cancer. Social contact and validation counts for a lot,
| plus sense of flow.
| locutus1686 wrote:
| This makes me think about a book I read a year or so ago called
| The Happiness Curve by Jonathan Rauch.
|
| The idea is that happiness peaks in your 20s when you have great
| expectations and infinite possible outcomes for your life. As you
| age, you make choices, and reality sets in, and it inevitably
| leads to some amount of disappointment and dissatisfaction with
| life.
|
| Fortunately, the happiness curve tends to trend back upward
| starting around age 50. The author's explanation for this is that
| happiness is based at least partially on your expectations. The
| idea being that your expectations are finally adjusted downward
| enough by the time you reach your 50s that you can be satisfied
| with normal life.
| tomc1985 wrote:
| > Now I feel too old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make
| new friends that way.
|
| 37 here and I don't understand how you could feel this way. At
| least where I am the bar/festival/music scene is alive and
| vibrant and full of other thirty-somethings. Hell my whole party
| crew is getting older, we're all a bunch of cranky bastards now
| and I love it
| noduerme wrote:
| The main thing you're describing is _not having a future_.
|
| You're a bit young for a midlife crisis, but covid has forced it
| on all of us (I entered mine at 39 and covid just crushed it).
| And the world has changed a lot; a lot of the future we imagined
| has _really been taken away_ - that is, it isn 't available
| anymore, not because of something we did wrong, but because the
| doors have slammed shut. Just for one thing, having $500k in the
| bank ain't what it used to be. But I get the sense that you
| aren't really defined by money.
|
| Maybe the "haven't had a serious relationship for many years now"
| part is what you should work on. Just putting your time and
| energy into a relationship is good for you. Without a
| relationship you have no future.
|
| I have no kids. That makes me feel like I may have no future.
|
| Being aware that the thing you're fighting, the dread you're
| experiencing, is really about your fear of not having a future --
| that can at least provide an anchor, to focus you on imagining
| what you want a future to look like and taking the steps to get
| to whatever that place is. I think the biggest problem is that
| we're all constantly obsessed with the present and somewhere
| along the line we stop trying to evolve into what we want to be,
| and get mired down in the quotidian. This may be a normal feature
| of growing older, but it's definitely amplified by the
| overwhelming flood of bullshit we see every day now, which seems
| designed from the ground up to prevent us from thinking about
| _our future_.
|
| Spend a little time and ask yourself if not having [edit: not
| being able to visualize] a future is your actual problem, and
| take it from there.
| jpetso wrote:
| > Without a relationship you have no future.
|
| Not to take away from your overall point, but I would encourage
| people to be skeptical of this claim. Relationships are
| healthy, yes. They can help to provide meaning and purpose.
| They may end up giving your life the structure that's been
| missing before.
|
| But firstly, it's not necessary to be in a single romantic
| relationship for all of these benefits, a tight-knit group of
| close friends can be just as great of a boon or almost.
|
| And secondly, leaving a legacy does not equate having a future.
| Kids are a legacy. Memories that other people keep of you, and
| changes (hopefully improvements) you make in local communities,
| society, the world as a whole, that's leaving a legacy. But
| really, chances are that the world as a whole doesn't give much
| of a damn about whether your DNA or your work survives. Give it
| three or four generations and you're at best a footnote
| somewhere.
|
| And that's okay. Having a future means to shape your life in a
| way that makes sense to you, that ends up being fulfilling,
| that lets you experience the good things and the bad things
| about it conscientiously.
|
| Relationships can help with that. But in no way is having "a"
| relationship or having kids a prerequite for having a future.
| Thank you for your time, nitpicking over!
| boneitis wrote:
| Thank you for chiming in; I don't have the energy to compose my
| own top-level.
|
| The OP is nowhere to be seen from my vantage point in
| achievements, but rather, I'm a stone's throw away from that
| one submitter last year whose circumstances and outlook were so
| crushingly bleak and who had absolutely nothing to their name.
|
| I'm not going to pretend there isn't an ounce of "oh, poor me"
| here, but I think seeing it is crucial to understanding my
| outlook. I am the same age as OP, just weeks out from hitting
| 35. What they have in savings, I have less than a % in net
| worth. Also single, with no serious relationship for years
| (save for the fact that I've been talking to someone for the
| last some-odd months, we'll see where that goes). I have held
| jobs in small and big warehouses for mostly for 1-2 years each,
| for minimum wage.
|
| No wife, kids, or residence to call my own.
|
| Back at 30, I felt I had no future. How do I survive and live
| on?
|
| Bearing in mind that question, something hit me (I don't know
| what exactly) when I then also asked myself: what if I pass on
| tomorrow?
|
| I then started volunteering at the local women's center weekly
| (and have not been lately only because I finally have my first
| "real" job now as of a few months ago).
|
| I'm reasonably fit, so I rose up the ranks (albeit still a temp
| in title) and ran the production lines at my warehouse jobs,
| sharing not only my sharpness through training people as
| oversee-ees but also all the warmth I have bottled up with each
| one of them as fellows I worked side-by-side with. Suddenly, it
| sucked a lot less to be stuck in my dead-end jobs. It wasn't
| hard to win people over when almost all the bosses and managers
| were being a bunch o' armchair dicks.
|
| If I pass on tomorrow, I have already touched so many people
| and in turn enjoyed the blessings of having been touched back
| by every one of them.
| randomsearch wrote:
| Not sure if it helps, but I can tell you what I would personally
| do if I was in your exact situation.
|
| I would live cheaply, I would exercise and train and buy the
| requisite gear, and then at the next opportunity I would go hike
| the PCT.
|
| I really want to do it, but with "settling down" on the horizon
| it looks unlikely that I'll ever be able to do so.
|
| Maybe you wouldn't say "hike the PCT" but perhaps you can put
| yourself in my shoes for a moment and think - what would I regret
| not being able to do assuming I am settling down 5 or 10 years
| from now?
|
| If I hadn't already done so, my answer would have been "backpack
| around the world."
|
| I'm sure there are lots of big experiences you could devote some
| time to, that would in themselves give you the opportunity to
| gain clarity on what you want.
| [deleted]
| ja27 wrote:
| For most of my life, I've volunteered at one organization or
| another. It's been a great way to meet people and find some
| purpose. It doesn't even have to be some epic world-changing
| nonprofit. Even a one-shot like a fundraiser walk can be good. Or
| take classes (cultural center, library, community colleges,
| Meetup, etc.), even if you're not super interested in the topic.
| richardfey wrote:
| I crossed that age and I can tell you without much thinking:
| focus on sleep quality. It's reason number one for your feeling
| like shit most of the time, and you need better sleep as you get
| older.
|
| Second, learn how to prioritise what you do in your free time.
| Too many side projects? Ditch some. You should have got a hint
| about what you really like by now and it's time to focus on that.
|
| As for the clubs, bars etc: I feel you, but it's normal, you will
| find equally exciting places where to spend time with people.
| Your life is over only when you convince yourself that it is.
| twomoonsbysurf wrote:
| loceng wrote:
| Holistic health and spiritual practices to open your mind and
| heart.
|
| It sounds like you're drowning, being weighted down, by your own
| biased judgement.
|
| I'd recommend to fast track to bypass your ego mind's
| unreasonable, unflattering judgement of yourself, to look into
| Ayahuasca ceremonies - which are legal in many parts of the world
| including Canada.
|
| You're blocked from seeing your self-worth, and that's a big
| problem as like attracts like - and having a low self-worth (or
| low vibration in woo-woo spiritual communities) is going to only
| attract more of the same, and not bring you the light (shine or
| lightness) into your life - if you're not shining or feeling
| light yourself.
|
| Psilocybin mushrooms are another option that may be more readily
| available but not legal in as many places.
|
| There's a fairly large community of users of
| psychedelics/entheogens in San Francisco/Silicone Valley, so if
| you're a developer from that area, or ever take a trip/journey
| out there - it shouldn't be hard to stumble into like-minded
| communities of developers who you could venture with spiritually;
| Steve Jobs was into psychedelics, likely why his mind was opened
| exponentially to the possibilities he was able to see with
| Apple's potential.
| stevenfoster wrote:
| Thirties. Married. First kid on the way this year. Consider your
| opening sentence. Who are you comparing yourself with? Most
| people don't achieve much. You also aren't owed anything. Time
| isn't running out. You hold unhealthy expectation that you are
| owed a certain amount of life. Release that expectation. Read
| books about real people dealing with real problems. Write real
| people letters of gratitude and encouragement. Record for
| yourself your own ledger of gratitude. Learn how to cook and make
| a few good dishes. Invite people over to talk and enjoy time
| together. Finally consider the golden rule as diagnostic code.
| Whatever you love with all your heart will be your god. So don't
| love your money, travel, or even time itself. They're all pitiful
| gods. You will love other people the way you love yourself. Take
| an intentional and committed force of action to loving yourself.
| Be kind to yourself. The most serious relationship you have is
| the one with yourself. My sincere best to you on your journey.
| May you be blessed.
| qwerty456127 wrote:
| Try questioning everything you [mostly unconsciously] believe.
| This is how do you behave in particular age/status - why? This is
| what happens when you die - why? Stop believing anything (except
| that you should generally avoid hurting other people) and have
| fun. Life is just a role playing game with cool gfx, massive lore
| and unbalanced mechanics - beat the hell of fun out of it and
| stop believing you know what's there after it ends. Being lost
| means having wrong beliefs. We don't know the true but we can
| give up the wrong (even the whole scientific view is wrong as a
| belief - it's just a practical picture, the foundation of real
| science is knowing no theory will stand forever) and face the
| world with curiosity and awe.
| qwerty456127 wrote:
| By the way, the idea about science I expressed here triggered
| another one in me - perhaps we should start giving grants to
| scientists for exploring the theories/papers currently supposed
| to be true and working on disproving them. This seems an
| important work to improve overall quality of the entirety of
| scientific knowledge.
| apatil wrote:
| When I was 35, I could have written the OP's post almost
| verbatim. I'm 42 now and, despite having spent two years working
| intentionally on the problem, am still in a similar place on the
| whole.
|
| Several solutions to the OP's predicament are being advanced with
| a fair amount of force, and I'm finding that I don't really
| believe any of them. I do believe that the advice is being
| offered honestly and in good faith. It's also clearly a good idea
| to cultivate healthy habits, stay active and meet people.
| However, I have tried many potential solutions myself and have
| encountered many false summits, and the tone of the most forceful
| advice here matches things I would have said to myself when I was
| camping on them. When I imagine myself taking the advice, I can
| easily see myself living through the familiar progression of
| triumph, doubt and disillusionment.
|
| Maybe some of us are just wired for shame, loneliness and regret,
| and are searching for our safe harbor (to mix in another
| metaphor) where we won't have to struggle or prove ourselves
| anymore. That thought counterintuitively makes me feel a bit
| better. It gives me a reason to not feel ashamed and regretful
| _about_ feeling ashamed and regretful, and it reifies a system
| that, whether or not it's the work of humans, is clearly
| oppressive, which creates the opportunity to find meaning in
| resisting it.
| digianarchist wrote:
| Internet advice is just that, advice. Sometimes given from
| experience, often repeated with good intentions.
|
| There are no "12 rules for life" because we didn't come off the
| conveyor belt in some factory. We're variable creatures and the
| solutions to our personal problems require tailored solutions.
|
| See a therapist. They'll do more good than reading the posts
| here.
| oneplane wrote:
| Remember that when you are 40 you will think of 35 as being young
| and full of potential. And when you are 50 you will look back at
| 40 and think "everything was possible". Everything is always
| possible until physical/mental degradation is too far along and
| that's when options really start to reduce.
|
| What you currently have is experiences and money but on your own
| with no real anchoring/grounding, no long-lasting "thing" like a
| relationship, town, daily friends etc. You might even have made
| your work, money or materials your identity, which ends up not
| fulfilling.
|
| Besides the health/social/experiences, it's also a matter of
| simply branching out. Just like this post on HN is essentially
| reaching/branching out.
| mberning wrote:
| I think this is a pretty normal feeling to have. For myself it
| was a fine line between "accepting reality" and actual
| depression. Getting older and realizing half of your life is
| behind you is not the most uplifting topic.
|
| So that would be my first piece of advice, get some counseling or
| other mental health help.
|
| As for what to do beyond that, you didn't really say much in your
| post. You briefly mentioned your relationship status, so it seems
| that might be a area to start in. The good news for you is that
| at 35 it is perfectly acceptable to be dating people in their mid
| to late 20s, so you still have plenty of time to start a
| relationship and have a family.
|
| From my personal experience being married and having children
| will completely disabuse you of your current feelings. You may
| have other problems to deal with, but "what to do with the next
| 20 years" won't be one of them.
| mberning wrote:
| Edit: also, if you have $500k liquid you could invest it in
| something like QYLD and draw roughly $5k/mo and try taking a
| sabbatical for a year.
| racktash wrote:
| I went through feeling like this when I was about 27. I felt like
| I had settled into a comfortable, but monotonous, way of life.
| Programming, my favourite thing to do then, had become
| challenging only because of problems created by things like
| application complexity, framework churn, software development
| fads etc.
|
| What helped me was taking up new interests and hobbies, ones
| completely removed from software development, ones with a long
| history that would take a long time to 'master'. For me this was
| things like reading, writing and studying ancient philosophy.
|
| I also found developing a kind of 'spirituality' - a word I would
| have considered dirty in my early twenties - essential to living
| contentedly in a reality that seems chaotic and meaningless, and
| accepting things like ageing and dying. For me, the writings and
| recordings of Alan Watts helped enormously here, but I find
| different people fill this hole with different things and people.
| nomilk wrote:
| This is nice advice from Tim Minchin's _9 Life Lessons_ speech:
|
| > Americans on talent shows always talk about their dreams. Fine,
| if you have something that you've always dreamed of, like, in
| your heart, go for it! After all, it's something to do with your
| time... chasing a dream. And if it's a big enough one, it'll take
| you most of your life to achieve, so by the time you get to it
| and are staring into the abyss of the meaninglessness of your
| achievement, you'll be almost dead so it won't matter.
|
| > I never really had one of these big dreams. And so I advocate
| passionate dedication to the pursuit of short-term goals. Be
| micro-ambitious. Put your head down and work with pride on
| whatever is in front of you... you never know where you might end
| up. Just be aware that the next worthy pursuit will probably
| appear in your periphery. Which is why you should be careful of
| long-term dreams. If you focus too far in front of you, you won't
| see the shiny thing out the corner of your eye.
|
| Full video/transcript:
| https://www.timminchin.com/2013/09/25/occasional-address/
| bequanna wrote:
| Feeling like you are taking purposeful action towards things you
| want is a great way to start feeling better almost immediately.
|
| Think about things you want in the future. Who do you want to
| become? What material things would you like to have? What
| experiences do you want? Write them down, these are all goals.
|
| Want a partner? This is a goal which you can (and should)
| approach intentionally.
|
| Pick your top 3 and start working on them immediately. Like NOW.
| Take at least one action on all of them TODAY.
| bratwurst3000 wrote:
| Yes time is passing fast. I am the same age as you and I feel the
| same. It's hard to find new things to get excited about but a
| older friend of mine told me a perspective that is a bit more
| positive. He enjoys to get gradually better at the little things.
| In his opinion the 20s are everything fast and easy. For example
| of friends, it's so easy to find friends if you're 20. But it's A
| good thing to enjoy the little steps we go with old friends in
| our 40s and 50s and becoming gradually better friends. That works
| with everything . Just getting a little better at little things
| and trying to enjoy this.
|
| But my reality is like yours.., those feelings that the time is
| running are closing me in. I try to enjoy the moment and don't
| get overrun by the burden if time
| lr4444lr wrote:
| Get married and have kids already. The developed world population
| has been well below the replacement level, and you will have a
| new purpose in life, one that is very hard, but feels
| biologically correct. Kids are a way to try to "get right" all
| the mistakes you made or people made with you. Of course they
| will make their own mistakes, but we're talking about what will
| be rewarding for you. You sound like you have experienced a lot,
| and should pass on your skills and learnings. You also need
| higher day to day priorities than your own mental health in order
| to "get out of your own head" and finish maturing into an adult,
| IMHO. (Speaking from experience)
| amznbyebyebye wrote:
| Don't know why you're being downvoted. Sounds like there are a
| lot of resentful childless population here on HN. The OP asked
| for advices and someone's giving it. Chill folks
| lr4444lr wrote:
| Oh, I fully expected it. And let me be the first to say, a
| lot of people are having kids at the wrong time and with the
| wrong people, which is worse than waiting. But IMHO there is
| a huge cultural malaise with individual psychological
| consequences in developed nations not promoting childbearing,
| even in ones with strong social safety nets.
| amznbyebyebye wrote:
| I see more dogs at the parks and beaches these days than
| kids. People think not having kids is in their own self
| interest. I think they are terribly mistaken even though it
| is very counterintuitive.
| vbezhenar wrote:
| Here're things that I'm entertaining myself with.
|
| 1. Discover new things related to IT. For example I never
| programmed microcontrollers or dealt with electronics in general.
| I recently started to learn about it and it's exciting. My
| current aim is to build some fun machines for my home using STM32
| and ARM assembly. Something like cat drinking bowl with small
| fountain and proximity sensor. Or crypto device to store my ssh
| keys. Or hand-held radio with everything build from scratch using
| modern crypto and stuff. I also bought 3D-printer and found that
| 3D-modeling is very exciting.
|
| 2. Discover new things not directly related to IT. Like building
| house, creating or repairing things in house and around, working
| with wood, welding, etc. That requires some money, for example I
| bought some land with old house in a remote village and visit it
| at summer, spending extremely quality time there, near nature.
| It's one of my retirement plans - to build a house and live there
| with remote work or investments.
|
| 3. I have wife, but if I would be alone, I definitely would think
| about yachting. It's possible to buy old yacht for $50k, spend
| another $50k to repair it and travel around the world, including
| ocean travels. That's my dream which is unlikely to ever come
| true, but who knows.
|
| I never really cared about achieving anything. I got paid well
| enough, I build useful things for my country and that's good
| enough for me. I have $20k in savings right now, LoL, but that's
| fine, I live in poor country and that's enough for my lifestyle.
| garrickvanburen wrote:
| Find at least one hobby that can give you a decade of challenge -
| whether that challenge is mental, physical, or both - and
| completely unrelated to you day job.
| garrickvanburen wrote:
| Nice byproduct of a small handful of hobbies - provides fodder
| for small talk.
| listenfaster wrote:
| Lots of good advice here. I would add this: Actively cultivate a
| relationship with yourself.
|
| I find daily journaling rewarding - just venting on paper or into
| a voice recording app. After a few days/weeks/months of this, go
| back and look at highs and lows, repeated themes, energizing
| things vs taxing things. Why are you here and what is important
| to you, where do you get joy and energy, what kills your soul?
| This is one method for getting those answers.
|
| Another method: as you live through your week, Monday through
| Sunday, hour by hour, record what you do with each hour. Then,
| look at that picture. Just the act of observing will be a
| teacher.
|
| You already likely know this all of this, and just need
| reminding. Best of luck and happy to talk more over email. I'm
| turning 50 this year and have the same list of thoughts you
| mention hm... maybe once every three weeks. They don't go away,
| but through the work I've done on myself, I know how much energy
| to give them.
| readingnews wrote:
| I do not mean to tear down OP, but you are 35 and have $500k in
| savings. You lived in other countries, had startups and worked at
| a big company. You are not lost, you are one of the 1%. It sounds
| like you did a lot and now "normal" life that the rest of have to
| go through seems sucky. It is.
|
| I have years of experience, not 1/5th your savings, have not
| traveled and now I am actually too old for "big company" to hire
| me. This is not said for you to fell for me, go feel good about
| yourself. It sounds like you did a lot. Figure out now what makes
| you _feel_ good inside and pursue that (you know, unless its
| spending all of your savings on vices). Time is running out? Come
| back here and say that twenty years from now. I think life was
| just starting for a lot of people when they hit 35.
| gernb wrote:
| What's your age? I know several people between 55-60 that got
| hired at FAAMG companies
| goodpoint wrote:
| > You are not lost, you are one of the 1%.
|
| Please don't dismiss OP so quickly. One person can very well be
| lost *because* they are in the 1%.
|
| Things like starting a career and putting your abilities to
| test can be a huge motivator. Once you reach such goals live
| can suddenly turn meaningless for many people.
| amznbyebyebye wrote:
| Wow I just wanted to say thanks for this comment.
| xwdv wrote:
| Although life starts for a lot of people at 35, I envy those
| people who are able to start much earlier. These are the people
| who have their first relationships in high school and college,
| find their life partner in early twenties, get the right job, a
| house, kids, keep their friend circle, invest money as early as
| possible, god damn. They live perfect fuckin lives and it's all
| because they bravely jumped in and embraced life early on and
| focused on relationships with the people around them rather
| than mope around being shy, playing too many video games,
| jacking off into oblivion, wasting time chasing startup ideas
| that were never gonna go anywhere...
| nobodyofnote wrote:
| I would be careful with that line of thinking. We often envy
| illusion. We don't truly know that 'those people' are living
| nearly as wonderful a life as we're inclined to think they
| are. Further, in my experience, the "perfect life" is always
| one moment away from "disaster" - be it a health
| complication, sudden loss, or any of the myriad of ways
| things go awry. Pain and suffering is not something any of us
| seems likely to avoid in this life, and inflicting misery
| upon ourselves due to comparison with what is likely
| projected fantasy is just one of its many shades.
| tayo42 wrote:
| i mean the gist of the post is right most things are better
| then
|
| > rather than mope around being shy, playing too many video
| games, jacking off into oblivion,
|
| even if their lives are not perfect there are better ways
| to spend your time then this
| rchaud wrote:
| Precisely. The OP is describing himself as a stereotype
| of Redditor/4Chan user.
|
| You can be unhappy without reducing your daily life to a
| meme.
| rchaud wrote:
| I used to think this way, especially after attending weddings
| of friends who've been together since their early 20s.
| Recently, one of those 'perfect' couples got divorced. Two
| attractive, charismatic, financially set individuals who
| couldn't make it work anymore. Together 10 years, living
| together for 5, married for 4.
|
| Part of the issue for them is that they both feel they didn't
| explore their options enough when they were young and
| attractive (they still are).
|
| It's a different problem than those faced by people who
| barely enjoyed romantic lives growing up. But for them, it
| turned out to be a big enough to end their marriage.
| Wiseacre wrote:
| dhimes wrote:
| Sometimes they also get lucky. IMHO, to actually find the
| _right partner for you_ in your early 20s is _damn_ lucky.
| datavirtue wrote:
| My wife and I have been together since we were 16. Damn
| lucky. Watching all the people we know on Facebook looks
| like some kind of hellscape.
| jebarker wrote:
| > They live perfect fuckin lives
|
| Do they though? Everyone has their own demons to contend with
| and seemingly perfect lives frequently fall apart further
| down the road due to regrets and pent-up frustrations.
| xwdv wrote:
| Everyone has demons, even perfect people have perfect
| little demons. But as a person who has lived a broken life,
| I guarantee you my demons are far larger and more monstrous
| than theirs. My demons would eat their demons for protein.
| escapedmoose wrote:
| At 28, this describes me exactly. Found my partner in
| college, bought a nice 4-bedroom house in a nice area close
| to friends/family. Financially stable with plenty of time to
| spend on creative hobbies. We both "jumped in" to moderately
| lucrative careers early and are now in very comfortable
| positions at companies that more or less contribute to the
| good. By all appearances a perfect life which truly results
| in many days of happiness. It still feels empty/pointless.
| I'm too embarrassed to complain to those around me, but
| sometimes I wish I could buy into religion or child-rearing
| so that I would have a pre-manufactured purpose, and wouldn't
| have to keep searching for one constantly. I think when the
| pandemic is over we'll try traveling more to see if that
| scratches the itch.
| xwdv wrote:
| The reason you feel this way is because you've never been
| on the other side. Imagine reaching mid thirties, no more
| friends, no partner, no real prospects, and getting older
| is making it harder to attract quality females. Your only
| source of somewhat human interaction is writing on the
| internet. It is a life of quiet desperation. There is only
| one goal, to accumulate money, watch graphs go up and to
| the right. Money is the only way to have relevance in this
| society, the only salvation from becoming invisible in the
| dating pool. And I know money can't really make you happy,
| but it's the only thing that has truly taken care of me
| over the years. Would you really trade your life for this?
| You found someone thing good, hold onto it. It will all be
| over soon enough one day.
| Viliam1234 wrote:
| > Money is the only way to have relevance in this
| society, the only salvation from becoming invisible in
| the dating pool.
|
| This depends on what bubble you are in. It might be true
| for most of the society, but there are many subcultures
| that have different values. Think about any job that is
| not associated with making money, or any hobby that does
| not require buying expensive stuff; you will probably
| find such people there.
|
| Money is simply the "common language" of people who have
| nothing else in common. If you have nothing in common
| with someone, money is the most reliable way to impress
| them. But this is like the laziest strategy ever (well,
| except for the part where you make the money, that part
| may be pretty difficult). Step one, find a subculture
| focused on something you enjoy - now you have another way
| to be socially relevant. Step two... well, if the
| specific subculture happens to have more women than men
| (statistically should be true for about half of the
| subcultures), the step two is just to enjoy life and be
| nice to people around you.
| istjohn wrote:
| I think we find happiness in service to a community. It can
| be religion or family, or it can be mentoring, community
| service, activism, etc. It could be as basic as visiting a
| retirement home or walking dogs at a shelter. It's pretty
| hard to feel empty ennui while seeing the gratitude in
| someone's eyes. And the world is chock-full of lonely,
| needy people.
| redleggedfrog wrote:
| 500k?! Wait what? You should work on some gratitude. Volunteer at
| a homeless shelter or old folks home or church. Scientifically
| proven to brighten your outlook and I suspect get you some
| perspective. Quit thinking about yourself so much. Honestly I
| find your post a little whiney. My personal advice, and what
| worked for me more than once, is just say "yes" to most
| everything. It gives you the exposure you need stimulate your
| brain and get out of a funk. Oh, and if you're a phone/
| fakebook/doomscroller type stop that like yesterday. You won the
| world being born lottery. Don't waste it.
| yodsanklai wrote:
| > How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?
|
| > I am turning 35 years soon
|
| 35 is not old... this post is almost offensive.
|
| But spoiler, it's going to get worse. At 35, you don't look old
| yet. At 40-45, ageism really starts to kick in and a lot of
| things get harder: e.g. dating, holding a technical job ...
|
| What to do? most people have kids and revise their goals. Some
| put all their energy into work or hobbies. Some start to drink
| (very common after 40).
| alangibson wrote:
| This is almost exactly my life, shifted by a decade.
|
| The problem is that by 35 you can't get by on novelty anymore
| because you've seen some version of everything there is to see.
|
| The worst thing you can do is pine for the good old days. They
| aren't coming back. And they weren't that good anyway. Your best
| times are ahead if you can successfully adjust.
|
| What worked for me was putting down roots. I resisted it mightily
| at first because I wanted to stay mentally 25 forever. Now I see
| that getting married and having a couple of kids was the right
| thing to do. It forced me to become more flexible, more
| deliberate, more focused and have more stamina to do hard things
|
| I'm a loner by nature, so I can't imagine where I'd be if I
| hadn't settled down. I just know it wouldn't be as good.
|
| Once you've got those roots down, life will lead you to what you
| should do next. Maybe being a full time parent, maybe learning to
| sail, maybe more successful entrepreneurship. Who knows...
|
| EDIT: I don't mean to imply that everyone needs a family. What's
| important is to start living for others to some degree. Hedonism
| has famously bad diminishing returns.
|
| Some people choose to do lots of volunteering or switch careers
| to social work. There's lots of options.
| elzbardico wrote:
| I started surfing with 40. And then I found out plenty of
| people do it, now I am starting with rock climbing.
|
| Plenty of things to see and do after 35. New friends, new
| activities, new music to listen, new places to go. Don't self
| limit yourself.
| thread_id wrote:
| > The problem is that by 35 you can't get by on novelty anymore
| because you've seen some version of everything there is to see.
|
| This could not possibly be true. You have only just begun. The
| mere thimble full fo knowledge and experience that you have
| accumulated thus far is nothing compared to what lies ahead.
| But only you can make it happen. Make a decision. Take an
| action. The comments here are loaded with wonderful and
| practical advice. Louis Pasteur: "Chance favors the prepared
| mind".
|
| Also consider this (this is a quote that I cannot give
| attribution for): "In youth we struggle with illusion of
| certainty. As we grow older we struggle with the certainty of
| illusion." We create the worlds that we live in. It is easier
| to follow a path that mimics and conforms to the structure of
| your environment. It is much more difficult to break away and
| define and follow your own journey. The feedback is not
| avaialble so you have to rely on your own internal compass. The
| choice is yours.
| alangibson wrote:
| > This could not possibly be true.
|
| The novelty you experience when doing something new must
| decrease over time. To say otherwise is to say the world is
| infinite, which it definitely is not.
|
| At some point the buzz one gets from the novelty of new
| experiences is not enough to make a satisfying life. That's
| when it's time to look for source of meaning for your life.
|
| It's different for everyone. For me and the OP it happened
| rather quickly.
|
| > Make a decision. Take an action
|
| Thanks coach
| TigeriusKirk wrote:
| The world is effectively infinite relative to your ability
| to experience it.
| freedom2099 wrote:
| The worlds is big enough to keep finding new things! Not to
| mention all the new things that are constantly being
| invented! Recently I have been playing Flight Simulator in
| VR... just remembering how was to play Flight Simulator 95
| back on the days to how it is now my mind is blown! Or
| better... with a bunch of friend we started enhancing our
| DnD sessions with very cool AR glasses that we got as
| backer of a very nice kickstart! The world is full of
| wonders! To find something new and amazing you have just to
| look for it!
| bladegash wrote:
| Yep, concur with this - having children and a family gave me a
| sense of fulfillment and purpose that has never really
| diminished. Won't say every day is amazing or life is any less
| difficult. However, there is definitely something to be said
| for living your life for others instead of your own enjoyment.
| franczesko wrote:
| I felt exactly the same as OP described. Once I became a dad
| (not that long ago), I felt that a missing piece of a puzzle
| finally fell in its place.
| szundi wrote:
| I second this one
| codebolt wrote:
| > I'm a loner by nature, so I can't imagine where I'd be if I
| hadn't settled down. I just know it wouldn't be as good.
|
| I'm the same way, and spent many years of my twenties living a
| very lonely existence. Getting a family was the best decision I
| ever made. I'm absolutely certain I'd be in a miserable place
| otherwise.
| j4yav wrote:
| If you're out of novelty in the world by 35 I think that's more
| on you than the world. There's really so much out there -
| complexity in every direction and at every focal length. If you
| want to center your life around novelty-seeking you can do it
| until well past the point where your body will fail you. Travel
| and education are good ways to find new horizons, but they are
| everywhere around you all the time. Seriously.
| alangibson wrote:
| > If you're out of novelty in the world by 35 I think that's
| more on you than the world
|
| It's a good thing I didn't say that then. I said you
| experience diminishing returns due to having already
| experienced similar (but not the same!) things. The more you
| experience, the more you recognize what you've already
| experienced in new experiences. This seems like a totally
| unavoidable consequence of living for anyone that doesn't
| have a long term memory disorder or an interdimensional
| portal gun.
| j4yav wrote:
| Even getting diminishing returns on all the variety and
| everything in the world in your 30s to me seems crazy, but
| to each his or her own. I am in my 40s and don't feel like
| my world is trending towards indistinguishable gray mush at
| all.
|
| You don't have to take my word for it though, there are
| lots of older people who still find and get by on novelty
| in the world, are inspired by it, and don't feel that
| everything is a rehash. There are some even replying in
| this thread, and more you can meet in your own
| neighbourhood I'm sure. Let them be an inspiration that it
| doesn't have to end up that way.
| [deleted]
| subpixel wrote:
| The big difference is that settling down gives you things to
| care about deeply. Your family, the community your kids will
| grow up in, the experiences and skills you want your kids to
| grow up with.
|
| Absent that, my life was one long drawn-out example of "fear of
| missing out" and I flitted from thing to thing, place to place.
|
| Just make sure you marry above your station, emotionally.
| hackerfromthefu wrote:
| This sounds like incredible advice, if you can it would be
| wonderful to learn more of your thinking about marrying above
| your station, emotionally?
| jkhdigital wrote:
| > Just make sure you marry above your station, emotionally.
|
| This is one of the most pithy bits of marital advice I've
| ever read, but easier said than done! Emotional maturity
| seems to exhibit a very pronounced Dunning-Kruger effect.
| Also, people continue to mature emotionally in adulthood and
| this can occur at very different rates.
|
| Just as a vivid example, recovery from addiction/alcoholism
| can often create rapid changes in emotional maturity.
| baremetal wrote:
| i second the recovery from addiction as a catalyst for
| growth in emotional maturity.
| jimt222 wrote:
| >problem is that by 35 you can't get by on novelty anymore
| because you've seen some version of everything there is to see
|
| I'm 68 and this is self-limiting B.S.
|
| In the last few years I have seen many things I never saw
| before, and never imagined.
|
| Ironically, when I was about 30, I was in a similar position
| and complained to my dad that there was nothing new under the
| sun, everything is just a rehash of what has come before.
|
| He laughed at me, and threw me out of the house.
| erwincoumans wrote:
| I agree, a curious mind never runs out of interesting things
| to see or do. How do we help the original poster becoming
| more curious and motivated?
| Tempest1981 wrote:
| When you're burned out, it's hard to simply be curious. And
| burnout is demotivating.
| coldcode wrote:
| I'm 64 and retired last year. I spent 4 decades programming,
| and everything changes all the time, and I always learned new
| things. I am still learning new things, and still writing
| code to support my generative art. Admittedly I was finally
| burned out of the grind of working as a programmer, but it
| took a whole lifetime. But to truly approach new things you
| have to be willing to let go of the old, even programming if
| necessary, but without forgetting what you learned. A
| lifetime is a long time; you really don't need to just do one
| thing the whole time.
|
| A quote from a novel has always been an inspiration since I
| read it in high school - "An artist must leave a body of
| work" from The Agony And The Ecstasy, about Michelangelo. If
| your programming no longer excites you, learn something new
| in programming, or even learn something that isn't
| programming and do that. It's not easy, and might cost you
| money, but wasting your life doing something you no longer
| care about is not worth it.
|
| Of course some people can deal with a terrible job, and just
| spend the non-working time doing what they love, and that's
| OK if you can deal with it. I could never do that; I didn't
| turn to art until the last few years.
| khendron wrote:
| > If your programming no longer excites you, learn
| something new in programming, or even learn something that
| isn't programming and do that.
|
| This is the key right here. If what you used to do is no
| longer exciting you, it is time to try something else. This
| often means getting out of your comfort zone, and there is
| no guarantee that the new thing you try will excite you.
| But if that happens, at least you tried. Every discovery of
| something that _doesn 't_ interest you is a step closer to
| something that does.
| Aeolun wrote:
| You don't feel the amount of new things you see slows down
| considerably as you grow older?
|
| It's not that you can't find novel things any more if you go
| looking for them, but most everyday things hold no more (or
| less) excitement.
|
| I notice this especially much with my 3 year old son, for
| whom everything is fascinating. He'll find out that sticking
| a bowl upside down in the water and turning it face up will
| make a lot of bubbles and he's tremendously excited. I'm
| excited to see him being excited (which is novel'ish), but
| the fact that bubbles appear is incredibly mundane now.
| indymike wrote:
| > You don't feel the amount of new things you see slows
| down considerably as you grow older?
|
| Only if you stop exploring. When you think there's nothing
| new left to learn, nothing novel to experience, well, you
| stop looking. Start looking again.
|
| > I notice this especially much with my 3 year old son, for
| whom everything is fascinating.
|
| Spending time with kids is the best way there is to
| rediscover your sense of wonder.
| jimt222 wrote:
| Just one example: All my life I have been curious about
| human pre-history and ancient history. Never learned much
| about it along the way.
|
| Now that I have time, I find an incredible wealth of
| knowledge and insight about early human history has been
| developed. I feel like a dim area of my understanding is
| being illuminated, like exploring a dark attic with a
| bright flashlight, it is very satisfying, and particularly
| when pieces fall into place and I have an "aha! so that is
| what that was all about" moment, it is exciting as well.
| diamondage wrote:
| I'd add that it's about detail - if you thin slice reality
| for efficiency, reality becomes more simplistic. But you
| can also discover infinitely more detail. walking into a
| library reveals that there is an infinite amount of things
| to know, and there are all kinds of differences between two
| similar glasses of wine etc. Perhaps its more about the
| spare energy of the individual available for learning and
| discovery
| learc83 wrote:
| Exactly. The way I think about it is that anything is
| interesting if studied in enough detail.
|
| A single square inch of lawn could provide material for
| multiple PhDs.
| erwincoumans wrote:
| Indeed. Just studying your last sentence could provide
| inspiration of finding funny alternative sayings to 'get
| off my lawn'.
| MegaDeKay wrote:
| I'm into my sixth decade, and I will agree with you that
| it's about detail. I find more and more rabbit holes to
| go down that are just fascinating. I make ice cream, but
| how can I make _really good_ ice cream? What are the pros
| and cons of regular switches vs. leaf switches for the
| retro arcade controller I want to build? Why does putting
| a bunch of wood mulch around my fruit trees do so much to
| improve the soil ecology? The list goes on. I am never
| bored.
|
| I think many people take the availability of information
| we have at our fingertips today for granted. It wasn't
| always this way. Dig into it, learn something, rinse and
| repeat.
| jlokier wrote:
| > You don't feel the amount of new things you see slows
| down considerably as you grow older?
|
| I don't feel that at all.
|
| I've always felt there was a lot to know. I don't think I
| ever felt the "ego on the cusp of knowing everything" when
| I was younger, because I knew I hadn't studied most fields
| and that there was much more I didn't know about. But I did
| feel like I was getting that way within a few narrow
| technical fields.
|
| But as I get older the awareness that there's _so much_
| still to see, learn and do in just about every area,
| including those where I 'd become something of an expert,
| just grows and grows, and it is depressing.
|
| As time passes I feel more and more the limited bandwidth
| of my capabilities, and that nothing I can do begins to
| scratch the surface of what there is. Some people seem to
| find a joy in learning. I enjoy it, indeed I can't help it,
| but I feel so _small_ and my future life feels so _short_ ,
| it gets me down.
|
| Most things I take an interest in, it feels like it will
| take 300 years to get to grips with them. If anything, I
| feel an almighty rush to see what tiny part of what there
| is I can see, be around, and even better, understand and
| work with, while it's still possible.
|
| So much to see, so little time.
| 300bps wrote:
| _You don't feel the amount of new things you see slows down
| considerably as you grow older?_
|
| Not OP but I don't feel this way at all.
|
| My oldest son is starting college next year. That alone has
| been a learning experience! I coach his robotics team, that
| has been tremendously new experiences.
|
| I've gotten three cloud certifications in the past year. I
| have a huge list of things I want to learn about - assembly
| language on Linux, FPGAs and about 20 other things.
|
| I could spend 10,000 lifetimes and not scratch the surface
| of what this world has to offer.
| jhanschoo wrote:
| I don't see how this is an adequate counterexample to
| OP's experience. The novel things you mention have
| happened to you take are rarer occurrences than a 3 year
| old experiencing basic physics.
|
| Despite the pleas in responses to continue to explore and
| experience new things, it seems to me that the experience
| of being surprised at new things becomes rarer as one
| ages, with exploration yielding diminishing returns with
| respect solely to that experience.
| 300bps wrote:
| _The novel things you mention have happened to you take
| are rarer occurrences than a 3 year old experiencing
| basic physics._
|
| I can use the same example though! Seeing each of my
| children born left an immense imprint on me. Seeing
| _them_ experience basic physics for the first time was as
| novel of an experience for me as experiencing it myself
| many years earlier.
|
| There are infinite novel experiences awaiting you if you
| want to seek them.
| j4yav wrote:
| I think maybe it's easier to get stuck in a rut, go on
| autopilot, rely on what you know and then end up feeling
| like there's no novelty in the world any more as you get
| older and comfortable.
|
| Maybe you can fall so deeply into it that you can't even
| tell you're in a rut any more and just think that that's
| how the world is, which is a puzzling perspective to
| those outside of the rut because the complexity and
| novelty of the world really is literally everywhere.
|
| Not that endless novelty seeking is the be all end all,
| but it's there if you want it.
| np- wrote:
| For me I have found that traveling helps break that
| "tunnel vision" which I occasionally find myself stuck
| in. And it's very hard to realize you're stuck in it
| until you break out of it. Traveling helps me realize
| that there's an entire world out there where people are
| not just living, but thriving. That always helps stir up
| my curiosity to dig deeper into things.
| matwood wrote:
| > You don't feel the amount of new things you see slows
| down considerably as you grow older?
|
| At 44 I have the opposite problem. The more I learn, the
| more I realize I don't know. When I was younger I had the
| ego of a young person and thought I was always on the cusp
| of knowing it all. As I got older I realized I was simply
| unaware. It's a bit cliche, but I started approaching
| everything, even things I 'knew' with a beginners mindset.
|
| One of activities that really helped trigger this shift was
| finding something brand new to me at ~40 that I also became
| passionate about. In my case it was jiu-jitsu, but it can
| be anything where you're drinking from the firehose again.
| That mindset spread through everything else in my life.
| Aeolun wrote:
| I guess I realize that, and then when I consider how much
| time I spent getting where I am at one topic, it never
| really seems like it'll be possible doing it for another.
| kayadera wrote:
| An ego of a person on the cusp of knowing it all, what a
| perfect description. I spent a lot of time living like
| this. I'm going to borrow your page on beginners mindset,
| living that way brings so much new life to each day.
| sidlls wrote:
| It's easy to see familiar patterns even in "new" things,
| though: especially those things that typically bind
| social networks (primarily shared recreational
| experiences). There are only so many story tropes to fill
| books and movies with, shared exercise experiences all
| blend, card games, board games, etc.--you name it, and
| odds are that the chance one has "seen it before"
| increases with age.
|
| So while something can be new, as one ages even "new"
| things have elements that are immediately obviously the
| same as one's past experiences. The older one is, the
| more of these elements there are. There's a diminishing
| return, so to speak, in experiencing new things.
| alangibson wrote:
| Exactly this. Many others are confusing novelty with
| pursuing specific knowledge or activities.
|
| If you can build a life around mastering Jiu-Jitsu or
| learning machining techniques, more power to you.
| voisin wrote:
| > The more I learn, the more I realize I don't know. When
| I was younger I had the ego of a young person and thought
| I was always on the cusp of knowing it all. As I got
| older I realized I was simply unaware.
|
| This rings truer to me than anything else posted here. I
| feel exactly the same way right now, (in my late
| thirties) as if I suddenly realize I spent my life going
| deep rather than broad and that there's a whole world of
| opportunities out there to be a beginner again, with the
| same enthusiasm as a much younger person (but now with
| resources!). The struggle of trying new things has
| completely changed my outlook.
|
| My advice: try things you thought looked interesting but
| never thought you'd be good at.
| 62951413 wrote:
| There's no question that family is what is missing from your
| life. A grown man needs a family to take care of. And yes, it's
| a direct contradiction to what has been discussed on this very
| forum re:divorce. And no, I cannot suggest any magic solution
| to the question of finding a sane woman who you'd be madly in
| love with.
|
| The good new is that 35 is far from the end for a man. I'd say
| you have five to ten years while you are still at the peak.
| Make sure to look for a woman a few years younger though.
| unfocussed_mike wrote:
| You don't need to _have_ a family. But it helps to find one.
| kgin wrote:
| Can you add a bit more about how this works?
| unfocussed_mike wrote:
| _(wishy-washy, unverifiable emotional pseudo-psychology
| follows)_
|
| What I mean is -- you do not need to have a partner and
| your own kids. There are all sorts of families (macro and
| micro) out there that can benefit from us.
|
| On the micro side: you can allow yourself to be included in
| your best friend's family, you can allow friends to become
| close enough that you know they'd be there if you were sick
| and vice versa. You can think about lonely older people who
| you feel kinship for and be brave enough to offer them
| support. You can sometimes convert former romantic
| relationships into trusted friendships, and you can widen
| your romantic ideals to include joining a single-parent
| family that already exists.
|
| One step up: you can treat your wider friendship circle
| like a family, believe in them like you would your family.
|
| On the macro side of things: you can join a community and
| allow yourself to be absorbed into it as someone of
| significance; you can help people find _their_ people.
| Introduce people to other people; be _the reason other
| people have people_.
|
| All of these things require a kind of bravery that deserts
| most of us at some time, and obviously a kind of comfort
| with other people that not all of us find easy at all, but
| really any step you make to try to build a "family" is
| better than no step.
|
| When you're young you don't need it and you forget to look
| for it, because new experiences outweigh family ties. When
| you're old you need it and it is harder to find.
|
| When you're 35... this is the time to enjoy the thrill of
| being brave and seeking real connections with a mature
| mind, and allow yourself to think of it as building family
| and significance into your life.
|
| I managed some of this -- a real social life, real
| connections -- for a long time from the age of 33[0], and
| then the pandemic has undone a lot of that; people have
| scattered. And if all of the above sounds preachy and
| patronising it is because it's really all I think about
| again -- how do I get that back, at the age I am now?
|
| [0] "Lord, to be 33 forever"
| kgin wrote:
| This is a beautiful answer, thank you. It puts into words
| so much of what I've had at the back of my mind for
| awhile now.
| unfocussed_mike wrote:
| Thank you. It sort of spilled out a bit, and I think it's
| more a message to myself than I realised; it is time to
| pay more attention to this again.
| peoplefromibiza wrote:
| > I am turning 35 years soon and I feel like I haven't achieved
| much
|
| that's normal
|
| with some rare exceptions, at 35 you are too young to watch at
| you life with the right perspective and you feel like you haven't
| achieved much.
|
| It is also because it's true, you haven't achieved much in the
| grand scheme if things, like virtually everyone of us, but what
| you have achieved on a personal level will be visible in the
| future, it's invisible right now.
|
| Look at it this way: you are at the beginning of the journey,
| things that are gard now get easier with time, things that now
| are easy get harder with age, but at 35 you have actually "lived"
| less than 20 years, while many more are in front of you and
| nobody can actually predict what's going to happen next. Life is
| full of surprises.
| 0xbadcafebee wrote:
| Welcome to your first existential life crisis! Mid-life
| (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midlife_crisis), quarter-life
| (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis), it's the
| same concept.
|
| You are staring down the barrel of mortality. Your life is slowly
| ending, time does pass without your control, you will gradually
| stop being able to do the things you once did. Things that used
| to excite you don't as much, you haven't accomplished as much as
| you'd hope, you don't feel satisfied. You want to go back to the
| past, to feel those old feelings again, to have another chance to
| "get things right".
|
| Good news! This is all normal, and you can deal with it.
|
| First, accept reality. There is no "winning" at life. Whatever
| goals you thought you had, whatever accomplishments make up your
| self-identity, don't really matter. You _are_ going to die. You
| _are_ going to miss out on relationships, career opportunities,
| money. You _are_ going to feel dissatisfied and like you 've
| missed out on things (because you have!). But that is all OK.
|
| As long as you provide for the 7 basic needs (air, water, sleep,
| safety, food, clothing, shelter), you have everything you need to
| be a successful human. So, whenever you feel like you're not
| living up to your potential, or promises, or something else, just
| review the 7 basic needs. Are those met? Then you're OK.
| Everything else is gravy.
|
| Next, take stock of your life. What do you have? Money in the
| bank? A successful career? An expansive education? Shit, man,
| you've got the golden ticket. You can do pretty much anything you
| want in life. All you have to do is decide what you want. That's
| a pretty nice problem to have.
|
| As you decide what to do, ask yourself why you want to do it.
| Sure, you could chase your youth. But why? If all that excites
| and interests you is the things you did in your 20s, then it
| makes sense. But you could also find new things and expand your
| life; find new music, new activities, new people. You could
| branch out and expand the scope of your life, enriching it with
| new things, or maybe just improving on existing things. But, if
| not, that's fine too!
|
| When you know what you want to do, make a plan for the future.
| Account for the fact that how you do things now will be different
| than how you did them in the past. We constantly change, whether
| we want to or not. Grow into the change. Like new skin grows
| around you, let your plan and action fit into your life changes
| and vice versa.
|
| Above all, do not measure yourself based on the past. The past is
| the past! You are a new man in every moment. Measure your current
| self against your plan for the future. Adapt the plan as you go.
| "No battle plan survives first contact with the enemy;" your life
| plans will also not work out exactly as planned. Adapt, regroup,
| continue.
| callesgg wrote:
| The human mind needs goals, you are without a goal (or you are
| ignoring your goal) so you feel life is empty.
|
| Think hard and deep; are there things on this planet that you
| would like to achieve? Family, work, travel, home, inventions,
| helping others?
|
| Write it down, and start to think about how to reach that goal.
| When you have some steps that would take you closer to your goal
| take those steps.
|
| My personal take is that you are programed to wanting kids, so
| that should be a goal for most people.
| chr1 wrote:
| I was in a similar position a few years ago. What helped me was
| having kids, life becomes much easier when you are around people
| who still don't know that it is pointless.
| randyrand wrote:
| that gave me a good chuckle. thanks.
| hughrr wrote:
| I'm in my late 40s. Just gone through 15 years of absolute shit
| with an ex partner and financial chaos.
|
| Decided I'd fix it in 2019. Three important things to concentrate
| on:
|
| 1. Health. If that's off, fix it first. Everything depends on
| health. Sort out your diet, physical fitness and health and
| mental health follows. I'm fitter than all my peers and both
| fitter and healthier than I was in my 20s. Can run a half
| marathon now.
|
| 2. Social contacts. Get out there and make friends. In my case i
| signed up to Meetup and just attended random stuff until people
| stuck. This usually involves hiking, pubs and bars, restaurant
| nights out.
|
| 3. Invest in experiences. Go travelling, do new things and learn
| new stuff completely away from your usual area of expertise and
| comfort. So I'm usually desk bound in the middle of the city but
| a few weeks back I'm standing on a mountain in the middle of
| nowhere in the middle of the night in the middle of winter doing
| celestial navigation course. It was amazing.
|
| All positive, fulfilling experiences in life I have found require
| putting yourself in unusual and uncomfortable positions. Life
| where there is no normal but it's not bad abnormal is where the
| fun is. Doing those things together with other people is where
| you make meaningful lasting friends and relationships too.
| baxtr wrote:
| +1 on all of them.
|
| I would add reading. That has helped me a lot to calm down.
|
| Re health: I recently discovered a great blog with in-depth
| articles about how to lose weight: https://physiqonomics.com
|
| PS: Don't get distracted by the seemingly arrogant profile
| picture. His content is really good.
| wrycoder wrote:
| Well, he does actually look like that. And he's only 25, so
| he's still a bit arrogant :-)
|
| But, what he's saying agrees with my experience, at three
| times his age: train with weights, have a caloric deficit
| emphasizing low carb, and walk for an hour on the days you
| aren't lifting.
|
| https://physiqonomics.com/cardio-or-weights/
| dmurray wrote:
| You can't have a caloric deficit as a long-term lifestyle
| choice: eventually you would waste away. But perhaps it's
| good advice anyway because most people could benefit from
| it in the short term.
| baxtr wrote:
| He actually has content on how to stop a low-deficit diet
| once your happy with your weight.
| eurekin wrote:
| After few years of training and being lead by a personal
| trainer and a dietician I'd add one thing:
|
| It's crucial to have a high BMR - basal metabolic rate,
| when going into a deficit.
|
| Any deficit will cause body to lower the BMR and, if it's
| going into < 1800kcal/day (for man) it will generally
| result in problems.
|
| Body is very adaptable and will just shut down any energy
| hungry "facilities": lower body temperature ("I'm cold
| all the time", "I always have cold last two fingers"),
| increase sleep duration, decrease immune responses ("Why
| I get flu all the time in season, while others don't?")
| and so on.
|
| It will loose fat, but if BMR is low, then it's also in
| the shock mode, where it will want to get that back as
| fast as possible, with some extra. That's how the yoyo
| effect work on physiological level.
|
| So, start cutting on BMR of 2500-3000. It won't drop into
| dangerous levels and will be lower impact on the body
| arisAlexis wrote:
| Actually there is a big school of thought that low basal
| rate makes you live longer and a high one makes you live
| fast and die.
| eurekin wrote:
| Any source?
| arisAlexis wrote:
| Read up on caloric restriction and longevity. This link
| came up but there are others. Not sure how solid this
| theory is, I am just mentioning it because OP was very
| sure it's the other way around.
|
| https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4262579/#:~:
| tex...
| eurekin wrote:
| Good read. I should edit my comment out and replace BMR
| with metabolic rate
| arisAlexis wrote:
| I took up reading during the quarantine and it changed my
| life
| istjohn wrote:
| I would just add, do something altruistic and social. We're
| social creatures and we _need_ to belong. Be a contributing
| member of a community.
| slothtrop wrote:
| 100% on 1&2 but would qualify, ime, travel is a cheap thrill if
| you overdo it. It's great to shake things up once in awhile,
| but not something the average person wants to sustain on a
| regular basis. Personal projects, hobbies, and sociable fun
| become the long-invested experiences
| alisonkisk wrote:
| imoldfella wrote:
| Good things, but Memento Mori. No matter what you do, your
| health will fail eventually. Decide what your life is about and
| get about doing it.
| hunter-gatherer wrote:
| That isn't the point the comenters above are making. They are
| saying that without good physical health it is extremely
| difficult, maybe impossible, to decide what your lifr is
| about and get doing about doing it for most people. Health
| fails eventually, yes-but being active and health conscious
| makes the end more bearable. My gym has a dozen or so 80+
| year olds that could train circles around your average 20
| year old.
| kojeovo wrote:
| While true, it'd be a silly excuse to stop you from working
| out into old age.
| FpUser wrote:
| I am 60 but very active and fit. Can't overstate the
| importance of it. It makes me feel young and I am constantly
| working on new projects, have lots of energy and general
| positive outlook. Clients do not believe my age when they see
| me. They think I am 40. Meanwhile at one point (year 2000) I
| was total physical and mental wreck after working as a lead
| architect for a company. Went on my own since then.
|
| What I do - My daily exercise routine is - 2 hour cardio
| (hike, cycle, swim if summer) and every other day 4 sets of
| 20 chin ups or 4 sets of 20 triceps dips for strength. Cardio
| takes time, strength does not as I have bars right close to
| my computer in my office.
|
| Sure, one day it will all go downhill and I'll croak but for
| now I enjoy the life just as well as when I was 20.
| joconde wrote:
| > My daily exercise routine is - 2 hour cardio
|
| Do you have a full-time job? That would take most of my
| evenings if I decided to do it.
| kojeovo wrote:
| No one starts doing 2 hours of cardio. You can do 20-30
| mins and be a lot better off than with 0.
| eurekin wrote:
| You can do HIIT: 10s warmup and 4 sets of: 30 second high
| intensity work followed by 30 seconds break. That's 4m10s
| in total.
|
| It's been clinically proven to help with vascular health
| (HDL cholesterol level goes up) and increase insulin
| receptiveness.
| FpUser wrote:
| After quitting full time job in 2000 I started with 1 hr
| but very low intensity. After 3 month I've lost all of my
| pounds and was able to go for however long I want. Like
| 200km bike ride.
| mrweasel wrote:
| I did 2 - 2.5 hours of exercise for a brief time (around
| a year), years ago. You can't do it if you have children,
| but otherwise it can be done. I started work at 7:00 and
| left at 15:00. Adding transportation I'd normally be home
| around 18:15 in the evening. I think the key is to not
| have other obligations (at least not to many) and a
| minimum of transportation time.
| FpUser wrote:
| My daughter is adult and being on my own since 2000
| relieved me from wasting time on commute except
| occasional visit to client. The only obligation I have is
| to my wife and often we ride, hike etc together or with
| friends.
| FpUser wrote:
| Bike ride, hike or swim in the evening - I do not even
| consider it exercise. For me it is fun. Often doing it
| with my friends.
|
| As for job - I am on my own and develop products for
| clients and for my own company.
| eurekin wrote:
| Totally seconded.
|
| I feel that from the biological point of view, the brain
| evolved to _serve_ the body (mostly for locomotion) and it
| 's level of function is tightly related to fitness in
| general
| KineticLensman wrote:
| Agree on health. It's important to bear in mind that health can
| suddenly go bad, which in turn means that you should make the
| most of the present rather than thinking "I can postpone doing
| X,Y,Z" until I'm older.
|
| My father died when he was 59 and had lifestyle-limiting
| illnesses for the last decade of his life. Bearing this in
| mind, I went down to a three-day working week aged 56 and then
| fully retired two years later. I've looked after my health but
| six months ago had an unpredicted episode of Ventricular
| Fibrillation for genetic rather than lifestyle reasons. I was
| fitted with an ICD and quickly got back to my physical health
| but under UK law had to surrender my driving license and I'm
| now stuck waiting for my application for a new one to work
| through our bureaucracy.
|
| On balance I wish I'd fully retired slightly earlier.
|
| Coming back to other points that are made here, I found in my
| last few years at work that the technology was 'same-old same-
| old' and that I found working with talented youngsters
| (sometimes as a formal mentor) the most rewarding part of my
| job. Perhaps I was just lucky, but I helped four younger people
| to go past me on the corporate ladder, and in turn they all
| looked out for me later on. I was also able to work in an
| environment where I was viewed as a principal customer-facing
| techie, rather than having to remain totally corporate. This in
| fact reduced my career-development options (as I was out on
| site with the customers rather than being highly visible to my
| bosses) but I viewed this as a positive.
| mr_tristan wrote:
| I agree with all of this, and just want to add a note about
| mental health; take your stress levels seriously and learn to
| know your triggers.
|
| While most of us working in tech tend to live pretty cushy
| lives, but, we are surrounded by silly frustrations and
| limitless distractions that can sum up and become pretty
| stressful. Learning to spot, "I'm getting stressed" and finding
| some way of mitigating this is really important. It changes
| your mood dramatically.
|
| Interestingly, the three things the parent mentions are
| actually all good ways of mitigating stress.
|
| A second note: you don't have to do "running" or aerobic
| exercise if it ain't your thing. I see a lot of people think
| "exercise" means go running or biking, something aerobic. I
| tend to think, if you need music to get you "in the mood" to
| work out, it's probably not your thing. Just experiment. I
| eventually found olympic weightlifting. I'm now significantly
| fitter than I was in my 20s as well. The best exercise is the
| one you feel inspired to keep up with naturally.
|
| Finally, learn to experiment without needing to be "amazing".
| Just do it for the fun. The whole "Get Back" series about the
| Beatles was eye-opening for a lot of people, mostly because of
| how mundane it really was. I don't think McCartney or Lennon
| ever sat down to write a "profound" song, they just scratched
| an itch, over and over again.
| librish wrote:
| You should do some form of aerobic exercise if you're working
| out for health reasons. Cardiovascular health is important
| and will make you feel "fitter" on an every day basis.
| eurekin wrote:
| +1 on 1. Health!
|
| It might be personal and specific to me exactly, but focusing
| on health has made the best impact on my general well being and
| offset my "I feel old and tired" vibe.
|
| I started out with the most general advice reg. sleep, food and
| exercise. I noticed that most of my peers tend to get better
| quicker. That made me dig deeper and I actually discovered some
| interesting cause and the chain of events that ultimately lead
| to me being sleepy, groggy and not wanting to take an action in
| most life activities besides top priorities, which I mostly
| powered through.
|
| I believe that the general feeling is at many times, a signal
| from the body and strongly influences our thoughts. Like the
| split brain patients, that are rationalizing actions in an
| obviously wrong way (the left/right eye experiment, where
| patient comes up with elaborate explanations about, what the
| other hemisphere came up with).
|
| We just _feel_ bad - which is low level physiological cue - and
| translate that to all sorts of high-level frontal cortex
| artefacts. As the OP mentioned: former fun things aren 't
| cutting it anymore.
|
| I also very strongly recommend learning about mental health. My
| biggest gem was dr K and his channel HealthyGamer on youtube.
| Like, this video:
|
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuZ8G_ERYUw
|
| I've binged a lot of his videos and he advanced my
| understanding of psychology from "people can be sociopaths,
| depressed, narcissists [etc.]" into more nuanced and refined
| level. He also provides some tools, that can actually help in
| real life
| swat535 wrote:
| This is excellent advice, I couldn't agree more with Health.
| Everything else will pretty much fall into place once you take
| care of it. It will be easier to meet people, you will not have
| mood swings, or lack confidence. Your mind will be sharper and
| can think better!
|
| One thing that gets missed often is spiritual health. I believe
| it's as equally important as physical and mental health. I'm
| not advocating for extremist religious dogma but at a minimum,
| I think one should figure out their belief structure one way or
| another. I recommend to give this matter some thought, research
| various religions, philosophy and history and make your own
| conclusions.
|
| On the subject of social contacts, the biggest thing to realize
| is that our world is shaped by our minds. This means that how
| your perceive yourself and other people will have a huge impact
| on your ability to connect with others.
|
| If you constantly see strangers as a threat, or as judgmental
| people, or "label" yourself as antisocial/timid/unattractive,
| etc then other people will unconsciously pick up on it. Humans
| have mirror neurons and can read micro expressions, we are
| social mammals after all. As a side note, women are _really_
| good at this, don't be fooled! you can't _fake_ it! The only
| way is to actually feel good inside and clear your heart and
| mind..
|
| Best of luck to OP!
| meristohm wrote:
| One way towards spiritual health is to find wonder in things
| beyond my control, and for me that is primarily looking at
| the moon and stars, augmented by walls in the woods and
| noticing phenology---what animals are active when, noticing
| frost on the ground, posting attention to the wind direction
| by feel, things like this. I don't ascribe any meaning to any
| of this, just immerse myself in the observation practice.
| dv35z wrote:
| Agreed on the spirituality. I have felt similarly unhappy as
| the original poster & some others on the thread. Stuck in
| corporate unfulfilling tech job. 2 years ago, I was able to
| break free (happy to share if folks are curious to hear).
|
| This advice has worked for me, it could work for you:
|
| (1) Health: actively prioritize good sleep, learn to cook
| some mediterranean dishes (easy, tasty, exotic, healthy, good
| as leftovers). Make lots, and share with people. Cook the
| same dishes a bunch of times until its muscle memory, then
| try something new. If you are into weed - smoking a J,
| putting on fun music, turning the lights down & doing some
| cooking / meal prep - seriously, one of the most fun
| activities, and so helpful.
|
| (2) Fitness: yoga (google "sun salutations" - 10 min & you're
| good), 1000% embrace #bikeLife (great exercise, dramatically
| helps unwind the mind, it's a hobby you can do for most of
| your life, lots of mechanical fiddling), and wear a helmet
| 100% of the time. Try a social racquet sport (squash when its
| cold, pickleball when warm). Squash is my #1 favorite,
| recommended sport. Easy to learn, low impact, tons of cardio
| (1000+ kcal burned / hr), tons of fun, great community,
| internationally played, & you can play it until you're old.
| Pay for 5 lessons. It's worth whatever money it costs.
|
| (3) Spirituality. Check into Buddhism. It's a highly
| practical way to think about & live your life & purpose. I
| strongly suggest this book (its a quick read, uses plain
| speech / low jargon, highly actionable throughout the day).
| It does a great job of explaining how happiness works (I want
| to say "mentally mechanically"), wanting/shoulding, being
| observant & intentional of emotion-thought-word-action
| chains. It's had a huge positive impact on my own sense of
| worth, relationships with people around me, the feeling of
| life purpose - good stuff. This is the book:
|
| Eight Mindful Steps to Happiness: Walking the Buddha's Path
| (Meditation in Plain English) https://www.amazon.com/dp/08617
| 11769/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apip_Cah...
|
| (4) Music. Learn to play an instrument. Check out piano. It's
| WAY easier than you think it is. You already know computer
| keyboard shortcuts & combos. Same thing works in piano.
| Youtube Search for "4 chord song axis of awesome". You can
| learn that exact song in an afternoon, and you have that
| skill - and ability to express- all those songs for life.
| When there is any decision in your life that involves a music
| option, lean into it.
|
| Hang out with healthy & interesting old people - do what they
| do, ask their advice.
|
| I asked my grandmother of 95 years - still healthy of mind -
| "What get's you up in the morning each day?". Without missing
| a beat, she said "Music." She plays piano, sings, dances
| (wiggles these days). It makes her soul alive, and brings joy
| to the people around her.
|
| To put that Thought into Action, I bought a little MIDI
| keyboard, plugs into computer or ipad. Garageband makes it so
| easy. I can't believe I had that app on my Mac for 15+ years
| and never thought to seriously play around with it. Making
| fun hilarious synth songs are dead simple, and tons of fun -
| especially with a friend, partner, etc. I went from "there is
| no way I can play a musical instrument, I have to just accept
| this in my life & move on." to being able to sit down at a
| piano in any bar, and slam out some fun honky tonk / blues.
| In 3 months. Music can seriously be used as a mental health
| tool. When I am feeling down, I can now "procrastinate" on
| the piano for 15 min as a reward. I try to play the most
| ridiculous epic concert to myself (so many dumbass epic
| Spinal Tap style solos). After that, I can feel that the
| "cloudy soul" / clenched chest anxious feeling is replaced
| with an enlivened soul vibe. All this to say, I'm now
| convinced that music is the key to this life. Seriously
| consider checking it out. If you know anyone who plays an
| instrument, ask them "could you show me how to do the easiest
| cool thing?" This is never a chore to a musician, and usually
| makes their whole day. Get lessons with a real person - a
| true performer, the best you can find. A couple hours of
| their time would be GOLD.
|
| Finally: Listen to Earl Nightengale, and find a way to play
| the album on shuffle every morning (you can use an Alexa
| Routine to shuffle play the Spotify playlist). Earl
| Nightengale's advice has been the #1 thing that helped me
| shift from an unfulfilling life to a life I am actually
| excited to wake up to.
|
| https://open.spotify.com/track/5tTvGc18CCgyDrye65PAGP?si=Z7x.
| ..
|
| I can say from experience in my own life, that the advice
| works. Best of luck on the journey.
| granshaw wrote:
| I'm curious in the "breaking free from unfulfilling
| corporate tech job" part
| janwillemb wrote:
| Another +1 for health, which is easy to improve by exercising.
| I started exercising (simple pushups and pullups) in 2019 and
| running a year ago. My social life has improved by this as
| well, it's just easier to do things when you're healthy. People
| also start making remarks about my physique, which is also nice
| :)
|
| I was lucky to make new intimate friends as well around that
| time, which also really helps feeling connected. Exercise you
| just do, but for friendship you need some luck.
| husamia wrote:
| + Health + Travel + find something that wakes you up in morning
| and work on it
| johndill wrote:
| +1 on health. I'm way older than both of you. Clean living and
| regular, vigorous, exercise has been the #1 key to loving
| yourself, confidence and mental health. Pays huge dividends
| later in life. As for relationships. As the old saying goes "If
| you are looking for a trout, don't fish in a herring barrel".
| Do what you want to do, travel where you want to go, join and
| participate in hobbies that you like. Group activities will be
| best (hiking, exercise, walking, tours, photography), You will
| meet your peers. good luck
| anoplus wrote:
| I think I need to realize this simple advice. Thanks.
| hughrr wrote:
| It's correct. Also why I have an ex wife. Hmm.
| trdtaylor1 wrote:
| I agree on all points but there is another after the ones
| you've listed.
|
| Join the movement and push for a cure for old age. There's no
| reason for us to die beyond things that should be correctable
| through medical science. The sooner we have this breakthrough,
| the better for everyone. Multiple different organizations and
| groups currently support various means and methods of achieving
| this goal. I myself plan to start local advocacy and even throw
| my hat into a federal primary just to have it listed as my
| candidate position.
| csee wrote:
| What is your personality type? Are you extroverted? Would
| points (2) and (3) differ for someone who is introverted?
| hughrr wrote:
| I went from introvert to extrovert over the space of a couple
| of years. Fear prevented me from making lots of critical
| connections in life. Turned out this was silly and putting
| myself in uncomfortable positions led to lots of great
| experiences which I look back on when I need motivation and
| to get over the hump that stopped me doing stuff before.
| Drakim wrote:
| I'm not sure I agree with those ways of thinking about
| introvert and extrovert. It's not simply if whether you
| like hanging out with others or prefer being alone. You
| don't flip from being extrovert to introvert just because
| you have a time in your life where you prefer to be alone.
| Extroverts don't become introverts while grieving the death
| of a loved one.
|
| It has to do with whether hanging out with others drains or
| fill you with energy, mentally.
|
| I love hanging out with people, it fills me with joy, and
| I'm great at talking with people, I'm good at cracking
| jokes that causes a group to laugh, I can hold speeches
| just fine, or perform in front of a group. But once I'm
| done, I'm exhausted, it's like holding my breath, I need to
| come up for air and be alone, even if I enjoy being with
| other people.
| joconde wrote:
| > You don't flip from being extrovert to introvert just
| because you have a time in your life where you prefer to
| be alone. Extroverts don't become introverts while
| grieving the death of a loved one.
|
| These are hypotheses that I wouldn't rely on to give
| advice. It could discourage someone who is dissatisfied
| with themselves from trying to change. Who says it's
| impossible? Your personal experience, or observing people
| around you, or a study on 1000 people?
| dasil003 wrote:
| I believe GP is talking about the definition of the word,
| not commenting on human limitations.
| wayoutthere wrote:
| Nope; social life is important. I find that I get overwhelmed
| and drained with large groups, but doing things with a group
| small enough to fit in a car together is fine. I personally
| have some hobbies I enjoy for their own sake, and meeting
| people through those has been rewarding. It's good to have a
| mix of "close friends" who you can be open and will support
| you emotionally, and "activity buddies" who you can geek out
| about your shared interests with.
|
| Humans are not meant to go through the world alone and modern
| life can be incredibly isolating. It takes effort to build
| social connection but it is well worth it.
| alt227 wrote:
| Glad this works for you, but humans are not all the same.
| Dont assume what makes you happy also makes other people
| happy. This is akin to telling somebody with depression to
| 'Cheer Up'.
| deberon wrote:
| They were answering a personal question.
| Taywee wrote:
| Absolutely not. Even introverts need social connections.
| It's more akin to telling somebody to get fit because
| it's good for their health.
|
| Introvert does not mean asocial or antisocial. Social
| connections are a fundamental part of every human's
| mental health. Maybe some disorders might change this up,
| but being an introvert is not that.
| alt227 wrote:
| So why do I feel ike you are specifically telling me that
| what makes me happy is wrong and bad for me?
| macksd wrote:
| Maybe that says more about you than them. You're on a
| social website right now, engaging with people
| voluntarily, but you're insisting you're only happy by
| not connecting with people?
| aspenmayer wrote:
| Perhaps you are sensitive to people seemingly giving you
| advice, because you aren't seeking it, nor do you desire
| to change? Not trying to put words in your mouth, but I
| think you might be interpreting the recommendations as
| directed at you. Do you suspect that their advice may
| have a kernel of truth, and you are reacting to the
| person who caused your internal self to recoil against
| change? Just food for thought, not directed at you
| personally.
| Taywee wrote:
| Some things that make people happy are things that are
| bad for them. Those aren't mutually exclusive categories.
| wayoutthere wrote:
| Being an introvert does not remove your monkey brain's
| need for social connection. Sure, it means being
| deliberate about when/how/who, but most people leading a
| solitary life are not happy.
| alt227 wrote:
| Thankyou for confirming my point by using the word
| 'most'. It is rimportant to remember the group of people
| (however small) who operates outside of what is percieved
| as 'normal'.
| mywaifuismeta wrote:
| I believe when you read things on the internet, or
| anywhere, it should be common sense to assume that it
| does not apply to absolutely everyone/everything in all
| possible contexts. Use your common sense. It would be
| unreasonable to force people to preface all words with
| qualifiers like "most", "usually" and "most likely" -
| nothing ever applies universally.
|
| That's typical behavior you see on social media Twitter.
| People say something reasonable, but then someone replies
| "how wrong!! this does not apply in edge case XYZ!",
| yeah, obviously. Just ignore it if you believe it doesn't
| apply to you.
| hashimotonomora wrote:
| Right but you should also strive to be precise in your
| words.
| capableweb wrote:
| It's true that people are different. It's worth
| remembering that a (however small) group of people also
| tend to justify their own behavior and that they are not
| "normal" can be an easy escape-latch for avoiding being
| uncomfortable but healthy.
|
| I've been guilty of this in the past regarding sleep. "I
| don't need more than 6 hours of sleep per night" I kept
| telling myself and others, and I ran on that schedule for
| decades. When I started forcing myself to sleep more, I
| started to feel even better, and now I'm hovering around
| 8 hours per night and feel so much better. I didn't even
| realize I could feel better by doing something I didn't
| think was necessary, but it did improve me.
|
| I've also done this related to relationships, where I
| found myself fine with being by myself for long stretches
| of time. I didn't really see any problems, and when
| people told me I have to see other people, I also used
| the "maybe I'm not "normal" and don't need it like
| others?" argument, which is what I told myself too. I
| didn't feel bad, but started seeking out more
| relationships anyways, and got so many benefits and
| became happier because of it, that I can't go back to
| being all alone again.
|
| I'm not saying this applies to you, but maybe it applies
| to others who read. It's easy to get into the trap of
| lying to yourself (I'm guilty of it multiple times), with
| all kinds of reasons. If you can see past that, you can
| become happier, even if you're not miserable right now.
| Lemminganator wrote:
| kilburn wrote:
| > This is akin to telling somebody with depression to
| 'Cheer Up'.
|
| If you feel this way, please try to see it as "telling
| somebody with depression to pick the activity that seems
| less painful to do and go do it".
|
| It is possible for that depressed person to not be able
| to do it yet. However, unlike your 'cheer up' example,
| this is actionable advise that is very likely to (slowly)
| help lead that person out of the depression if they
| manage to do it.
|
| I'm an introvert and it works like that for me. I hardly
| ever feel like socializing. It drains me when I do it.
| Yet I still enjoy it when I'm doing it and it has a
| positive effect on my mental state (up to a point, of
| course).
|
| The key is to find the right balance, and to be aware
| that there's some "training" to it: the less you do it
| the harder it gets. Don't give up though because then
| your mental health may suffer.
| csee wrote:
| I don't doubt that social life is important even for
| introverted people, but this advice[1] in particular would
| be quite painful for me, even if it's in a small group. The
| hitrate (micromarriage rate) would be too small. Wouldn't
| it just be a few hours of small talk 95% of the time?
|
| I am happy with a small handful of friends. If I'm going to
| add new ones, there has to be a significant overlap in
| interests that makes the company particularly enjoyable and
| non-draining. Probably a more interest-specific/targeted
| approach than Meetup (although maybe Meetup is capable of
| that, I am not familiar with it)?
|
| Maybe I should try it out and see for myself, though! Could
| be one of those things that's pleasantly surprising.
|
| [1] "In my case i signed up to Meetup and just attended
| random stuff until people stuck. This usually involves
| hiking, pubs and bars, restaurant nights out."
| 121789 wrote:
| In my experience, you just have to accept the low hit
| rate. Worst case you'll have some awkward small talk,
| best case you'll meet people that you'll find a lot in
| common with, and those relationships will last a while.
| You just have to accept that it's going to be awkward a
| bunch of the time, but you have to put yourself in those
| situations.
| mucholove wrote:
| Plus one on health. Probably the last thing I'll stop paying
| for is my trainer / coach. (I am doing gymnastics)
|
| My life has picked up so much momentum after that.
|
| A failed relationship left a hole in my heart and existence. A
| failed business also sucked--but much less) Health is the first
| foot forward.
|
| And sports with people is probably the best way to go! (OP you
| have the cash for a trainer. Do it!)
| Drdrdrq wrote:
| +1 on health, but _especially_ fitness. There is no health
| without it. In last few years it was all too easy to stop doing
| sports, but there should be less excuse now. If you are afraid
| of getting infected, go outdoor!
| elzbardico wrote:
| Plus one in health and physical fitness. Buying a bicycle and
| using it daily was probably the best investment I ever made in
| myself. Also, I can't believe that I smoked those filthy
| cigarretes for so long, but how good is that I stopped this
| habit.
|
| About material realizations please remind that the average
| successful enterpreneur age is about 45. I only started being
| able to save serious, retirement-style money when I've got 40.
| unobatbayar wrote:
| But cycling doesn't cut it, right? Especially when you do it
| daily, you build some kind of immunity.
|
| Can't even sweat from cycling. Of course, it depends on
| duration and probably weather. I guess winter affected my
| experience.
|
| Running is way better for me.
| operatingthetan wrote:
| The air moving around your body causes the sweat to
| dissipate, unless you are only going like 10mph, you are
| definitely sweating.
| camel_gopher wrote:
| Can't sweat from cycling? Find a hill
| xedrac wrote:
| And if that doesn't work, try doing it with a single gear
| heavy steel bike.
| dsnr wrote:
| Without brakes.
| hermitcrab wrote:
| Running can be hard on the joints though. A mix of
| different exercize is best, if you can manage it. Both for
| health and to keep it interesting. I do running, cycling,
| swimming and kick boxing (less swimming during COVID).
| doktorhladnjak wrote:
| There's really no evidence that running is hard on your
| joints, as long as you avoid serious injuries. If
| anything, studies have shown that those who run regularly
| have better mobility in old age.
| drran wrote:
| If you want to sweat -- lower tire pressure.
| wnolens wrote:
| Biking is a pillar of my mental health.
|
| It instantly transports me to feeling 10 years old again,
| when I lived in a state of joy and acted on intuition.
| ridiculous_leke wrote:
| Smoking is also terrible for your social life, unless you
| only prefer the company of smokers. Most of my childhood
| friends became weed/cigarette addicts. For my own well-being,
| I had to stop being in contact with them.
| SantalBlush wrote:
| This was not my experience when I used to smoke. Stepping
| out for a cigarette was the easiest way to strike up a chat
| with a complete stranger. The best conversations I've ever
| had were probably done while smoking, with other smokers.
|
| People who have never smoked just won't get it. There is no
| ice breaker in the world like a cigarette. My social life
| became harder once I quit, but my body thanks me for it.
| hughrr wrote:
| Depend on what you do. I haven't met anyone who actually
| smokes in the last year in the UK apart from a guy who
| was vaping in the middle of a hike and we all thought he
| was a dickhead.
| ipaddr wrote:
| You haven't seen anyone smoking in the UK at all? Are you
| in the north or south east?
| hughrr wrote:
| No one at social events at all. South East / London.
|
| It's actually quite pleasant these days. Less nicotine
| all over stuff.
| ipaddr wrote:
| How is meat eating viewed in your social group?
| hughrr wrote:
| Probably less popular than average across the UK but a
| good friend of mine will quite happily blast down a 22oz
| steak. Most of us are health and fitness conscious and
| that seems to intersect with vegetarian and vegan diets.
|
| I am a vegetarian for ref.
| SantalBlush wrote:
| That's totally fair, but it looks like you commented to
| say you don't like smoking, and not to weigh in on the
| social aspects of it.
| Ntrails wrote:
| As a non smoker, I still used to love chilling outside
| chatting to smokers. It would be quiet, relaxed, and
| everyone was open to the idea of just chatting whilst
| enjoying their cigarette.
|
| The idea of standing still for 5 minutes and talking to
| whoever happens to be around seems farfetched outside of
| that social norm
| mikebelanger wrote:
| There should be a shorthand phrase for "I agree with all
| parent nodes of this". Like a pseudo OOP-type syntax.
|
| Buying a bike and riding it regularly was my single best
| investment in terms of physical and mental health. A close
| second would be resistance training equipment, but this
| depends on what kind of resistance training you decide to do.
|
| I'd also say that part of the OP's issues stem from an
| expectation that one should always be passionate or excited
| about their work. Especially in tech, there's this weird idea
| that every job someone holds is something that resonates with
| them personally.
|
| I think this expectation is strange and unreasonable. I think
| it's perfectly ok to view your job as "just a job". But if
| you truly want to pursue a job that resonates with you, you
| have a significant financial buffer to facilitate a career-
| change. As someone who didn't shift into programming until
| their mid-30s, I think mid-30s career changes are perfectly
| fine, and almost expected in a turbulent economy.
| mathgeek wrote:
| > There should be a shorthand phrase for "I agree with all
| parent nodes of this". Like a pseudo OOP-type syntax.
|
| +1 to everything above
| mikebelanger wrote:
| Ah cool, good to know
| sowbug wrote:
| Please don't do this. Vote instead.
|
| Vote-like comments such as "+1," "Disagree," and "This."
| take up vertical space and reading time. Yet they convey
| hardly any more meaning than a vote. Let the ranking and
| shading of comments reflect your opinion.
| hamburglar wrote:
| super() // :)
|
| I disagree that this is bad form, but it's a little
| shallow unless you're contributing something along with
| your "I agree." I also strongly disagree that downvotes
| should be used for disagreement. Downvotes are for
| discouraging low-value posts, not making things you
| disagree with disappear from the discussion.
| sowbug wrote:
| I share your attitude toward voting. I confess it puts me
| on edge to vote for a constructive comment that I
| strongly disagree with.
|
| That said, the HN guidelines actually don't specify the
| proper use of votes (unlike Reddit, whose stated voting
| philosophy is similar to yours). So my earlier comment
| doesn't go there. I can't say what HN voting is for, but
| I can say that vote-like comments are usually better
| expressed as votes.
| tomerbd wrote:
| Which bike did you buy?
| mrweasel wrote:
| At the risk of sounding like an ass: It doesn't matter,
| just get one that's the right size.
|
| I understand why you ask, I'm very much the same way
| (unless you're asking just because you're curious). Some
| times I decide that it's time to make a change, and I start
| to look for thing I can buy to facilitate the process,
| exercise equipment, kitchen aids, clothing, essentially
| attempting to buy into a lifestyle. The thing that made me
| notice was when I started getting into minimalism, and I
| started to look for "minimalist things" I could buy... That
| sort of highlighted the absurdity of the idea.
| dwiel wrote:
| The one at the used bike store that feels the best to ride
| on a quick test ride.
| theturtletalks wrote:
| Buy a used road bike off Craigslist. Look for brands like
| Trek, Cannondale, Specialized. Even their vintage models
| (80s and 90s) still ride very smooth and can be around
| $150-250. This way, if your bike gets stolen or you simply
| don't ride enough, you're not too much out of pocket.
| hughrr wrote:
| This. I have a Dawes ultra galaxy about a decade old. It
| has an unhealthy amount of duct tape around it which
| seems to put people off. I saw someone think about
| stealing it and choose something less cranky looking.
| elzbardico wrote:
| A simple one from Oggi, nothing too fancy. disk breaks, 29"
| wheels, front suspension. but it doesn't matter. The single
| most important thing is having an adequate bike seat for
| your anatomy and an aluminum frame which is not too heavy.
| The expensive stuff gets important if you're a competitive
| person.
| drran wrote:
| Buy a bike with matching frame for your height, with good
| double suspension, e.g. with front and rear RockShox or
| better, and raise the handlebar to a comfortable height.
| Your back will thank you.
|
| Install all safety systems: front and rear bike lights,
| mirror, reflectors, use helmet, reflectors, wear reflective
| jacket, etc. You must be visible at the road at all times.
| (I use no helmet, because I'm trained to fall properly, but
| I recommend to wear helmet until you fall at least 10
| times.)
|
| Ensure that your legs are working for the full length, by
| raising the seat as much as you can, to avoid problems with
| joints. I'm raising my seat so much, that it feels like
| running, because I press pedal with toe instead of whole
| foot. Otherwise, you will have powerful legs, but weak
| foots, so you can break your heel just by running. (I did).
|
| If you ride in winter conditions, lower the bike seat until
| you can reach the ground with the tips of your shoes
| instead, so you can reach the ground quickly when the road
| is slippery.
|
| Bike will make your legs strong and healthy, but your upper
| body will require additional training. AFAIK, the best way
| to keep the whole body in good condition is to combine
| biking with swimming or sport dancing. (I use biking +
| ballroom dancing). Ballroom dancing also improves situation
| awareness a lot: I never had a collision with somebody else
| after few years of ballroom dancing.
| tremon wrote:
| _Ensure that your legs are working for the full length,
| by raising the seat as much as you can, to avoid problems
| with joints_
|
| Raising your seat isn't the first step: first make sure
| that you're pushing the pedals with the balls of your
| feet, not close to the heel. I used to get terrible knee
| pain during prolonged bike rides as a kid, and nobody
| could tell me why.
|
| It took me many years before I finally figured out what I
| was doing wrong: if your feet are too far forward on the
| pedals, you effectively lock your ankles in place, and
| all propulsion must come from your upper legs through
| your knees. If you can bend your ankles, you have two
| joints and three sets of muscles to share the load. This
| gives you better range of motion and less muscle strain
| for the same amount of propelling power.
|
| _If you ride in winter conditions, lower the bike seat
| until you can reach the ground with the tips of your
| shoes instead_
|
| This is the correct seat position all year round.
| CorrectHorseBat wrote:
| > with front and rear RockShox or better
|
| If you're only biking on the road I wouldn't get that,
| only slows you down.
|
| >(I use no helmet, because I'm trained to fall properly,
| but I recommend to wear helmet until you fall at least 10
| times.).
|
| Not sure if you're serious...
| boomskats wrote:
| I used to work with someone who was an avid cyclist, in
| his mid 50s, and insisted you didn't need a helmet when
| cycling because 'if you think about it, when you're
| falling, you will use your hands to stop yourself - so
| all you really need is a decent pair of gloves'.
|
| He was totally serious, and I assume the previous poster
| might also be. It's a slightly bizarre viewpoint, but not
| that dissimilar - this idea that you should wear a helmet
| _to start with_ , and then stop wearing it once you're
| confident that you no longer need it because you know how
| to fall without it.
| bradfa wrote:
| I've been biking for over 30 years. I've broken a helmet
| in a fall. I know how to fall.
|
| ALWAYS WEAR A HELMET! It very well may save your life.
| Many crashes happen much too fast for you to react to.
|
| It's like a seatbelt or airbag in a car. Useless 99.9999%
| of the time. But when they're needed they can
| dramatically improve your chances of survival.
| eurekin wrote:
| Has he seen the "I love helmets!" video?
| drran wrote:
| > If you're only biking on the road I wouldn't get that,
| only slows you down.
|
| They will make you feel like you are moving slower, but
| my bicycle computer shows that I move faster. Moreover,
| wheels follows ground more precisely, which reduces risk
| of losing contact with ground. I'm crossing road bumps at
| full speed, while sitting and continuing pedaling.
|
| > Not sure if you're serious...
|
| I'm serious for both recommending to wear helmet for
| first 10 falls at least (because newbie is like a
| toddler), and I'm serious that I don't need helmet
| (because I'm not a toddler anymore).
|
| Bicycle is safer than walking per km traveled. Are you
| wearing a helmet when walking? It's dangerous!
| meristohm wrote:
| I hear you, and acknowledge the strong opinions around
| Helen' helmets while bicycling. I usually wear a helmet
| (I'm in the USA), and for slow trips on known routes
| sometimes I skip it. If I lived in the Netherlands (or
| anywhere with a robust bike-commute culture) I might
| never wear a helmet, because I'm not so fast anymore and
| I'd be doing known routes at moderate speed.
|
| I lean towards wearing helmets, and support wearing them
| in cars (I don't do that yet because of social stigma,
| though maybe I'll work up the gumption now that I think
| about it).
| drran wrote:
| Helmets, and other protective equipment, works, so it may
| help you to survive many kinds of incidents: road
| incident, train wreck, fall from sky, etc. There is no
| doubt.
|
| However, cycling to work is the safest mean of
| transportation per km traveled.
|
| Nobody will force me to do downhill on a bike without
| full gear on, because I can fall, puncture my artery, and
| then bleed out in 2 minutes. One of my earliest memories
| is: I'm laying on the ground on my back and watching as
| my bike flying over me, like in slo-mo.
|
| However, I see no sense to wear a helmet when doing one
| of the safest routine on this planet. I had two road
| accidents (I hit another cyclist, I hit a safety pole
| with handlebar when a car in front of me suddenly closed
| the path for me) and a dozen near-misses while biking in
| about 40 years. I had much more near-misses in the city
| (dozens) when walking.
| CorrectHorseBat wrote:
| I can understand not wearing a helmet when biking,
| helmets can also only do so much. just don't fool
| yourself in thinking that your falling technique is going
| to save yourself in a traffic accident.
| dahart wrote:
| What does trained to fall properly mean? Are you
| absolutely sure there is such a thing? I doubt that there
| is, because the human neck is not strong enough to
| withstand many kinds of flat falls (just watch FailArmy
| for a while), and assuming you can prevent a flat fall
| during an accident is a bad assumption. Assuming you can
| avoid a head-first fall is a bad assumption, and assuming
| you're not going to be struck by a car is a bad
| assumption.
|
| Have been biking many decades, fallen more times than I
| can count, and am as trained to fall properly as one
| gets, I think. I've had two falls in the last decade that
| would have put me in the hospital without a helmet, and
| one that may have killed me - head collided with a rock
| at high speed, but I had a good helmet and walked away.
| My belief is the opposite - that my need for a helmet has
| only grown the more skill I have. As I've gained
| expertise, I ride faster on average, I'm in traffic more,
| picking more difficult routes, riding in a wider variety
| of weather and conditions. All reasons to
| crispyambulance wrote:
| Falling safely is a motor skill. The way you "learn" it
| is by doing it, repeatedly, until your body starts to
| react in the right way. This is a problem for an adult
| cyclist on a road traveling at speed. There are
| consequences to falling. Many of us, however, have had
| enough experience during our youth on "single-track" to
| have racked up many falls onto soft ground at low speeds.
| That certainly helps to a certain extent.
|
| Unfortunately, physics sometimes can present challenges
| that no human can adapt to regardless of practice. If
| your bike comes to hard stop when traveling fast enough,
| your body is going to do an "endo" and your face will
| impact the street in a matter of milliseconds. This
| happens before you can put your hands in front of your
| face. It can happen faster than your body can respond to
| the stimuli telling it that an crash is happening.
| dahart wrote:
| > physics sometimes can present challenges that no human
| ca adapt to regardless of practice.
|
| Exactly, yes. I have a lot of the motor skill you're
| talking about (road cycling, mountain biking, dirt moto
| biking, skydiving, skiing, etc.). And the more I have,
| the more helmets seem like a good idea.
| drran wrote:
| When I was in school, our trainer was ill, so he was
| replaced by a craft teacher, which was fresh from the
| army. He was a soviet paratrooper, so he told us that he
| knows nothing about training, but he sure that we will
| fall a lot during our life, so he will train us to fall
| properly. We did about a hundred of jumps and falls and
| rolls per lesson, up to 2 meter height, in military style
| for 2,5 months, up to 1000 falls in total.
|
| When I'm falling, I'm rotating my body to fall flat on
| the back. I'm wearing a bicycle backpack with thick
| absorber and protective plate (Wolf Skin, Kite, etc.), so
| it absorbs energy and protects my back. Bad for backpack
| and notebook, but good for me.
| dahart wrote:
| FWIW, I had a whole skydiving career before I started
| biking seriously. Drop & roll is not really a viable head
| injury prevention plan. You're prepped for a few kinds of
| accidents with a backpack and trying to roll if/when
| there's time, if you're really lucky, but you're leaving
| a mile wide blind spot to many possible accidents that
| you don't have control over. Good luck, I hope you don't
| have any of those kind of collisions.
| drran wrote:
| Biking to work is not a skydiving.
|
| See https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35MHUtvIpP8
| dahart wrote:
| Obviously. I'm saying that your soviet paratrooper roll
| training isn't going to save your head in a bike crash, I
| know because I've done a whole lot of both. Biking to
| work is the place where you're most likely to be hit by a
| car, and thus not be able to roll and not be protected by
| a backpack.
|
| Hey I'm not telling you what to do, only pointing out
| that assuming you have control over physics in an
| accident is a pretty bad assumption, and that telling new
| riders that a few falls prepares them for non-helmet
| riding is dangerous advice because it's not true.
|
| I don't know where you live, but we all know the
| Netherlands is famous for having some of the best bike
| infrastructure in the world, and also for low helmet use.
| Still, the chances of TBI in an accident in the
| Netherlands is 2x higher without a helmet than with.
| https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/10.1089/neur.2020.0010
|
| In the US, helmet efficacy has been demonstrated
| repeatedly. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29677686/
|
| You do you, I'm just saying from my perspective, and from
| actual experience, the single best thing I can do to
| prevent a serious debilitating bike injury is wear a
| helmet. It's by no stretch of the imagination the only
| thing I can do, and I like some of your other advice you
| gave. I just think if you care about slippery surfaces
| enough to lower your seat, or care about cars enough to
| wear a reflective vest, a helmet sure seems like a good
| idea.
| drran wrote:
| I'm from Europe (Ukraine). Yes, I'm totally aware about
| risk of death in a road incident. After each incident,
| our bicyclist association does protest near to city
| administration, demanding more and safer bike lanes.
|
| Our plan to fix it is to make the city safer for cyclist.
| We are heavily inspired by success of Netherlands:
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Boi0XEm9-4E . Situation
| is improved in recent years. Currently, half of my path
| to work is safe, while the other half is not.
|
| Helmet is a good idea (I recommend to wear helmet after
| all), but it has some downsides. We can discuss upsides
| and downsides of helmet a lot, but I recommend using my
| OKR instead, when you recommend biking to newbies: <<use
| helmet until you will fall 10 times at least>>. It's
| simple, easy to understand, easy to remember, actionable,
| and leaves no room for doubt.
| drran wrote:
| I see no breakdown of incident number by years of
| experience in your papers.
|
| Newbies are like toddlers, so they will fall more often
| and will skew the statistic. Nobody says that walking is
| a dangerous activity, just because toddlers are falling
| multiple times per day.
|
| Still, cycling is the safest mode of transportation per
| km, so, if you want to improve safety significantly,
| convince drivers and pedestrians to wear helmets first.
| Cyclist will follow.
| prodent wrote:
| Do you ever take your bike off any sweet jumps?
| analog31 wrote:
| Bear in mind there's still a bike shortage right now.
| Something that fits your body and is comfortable is the
| most important thing. I'm 58 and an avid cyclist, but
| realized that my body just doesn't like road style bikes,
| so I actually dismantled my fancy Trek road bike and built
| something that was more comfortable to ride.
|
| For me, making it easy to "just get out and ride" is the
| key thing. Even if it means less exciting rides. I don't
| have to get into special clothing or put my bike in a car
| and take it somewhere.
|
| I also enjoy the outdoors in general. I treat it as a way
| to get away from technology for a while, so I'm into simple
| things like hiking, walking, cross country skiing, etc.
| speedcoder wrote:
| Yes. Get whatever bike fits you. And I love my Tern [1]
| foldable bicycle. It folds into a bag which I can take
| anywhere in my car or on the bus or train and bike when I
| get there.
|
| [1] https://www.ternbicycles.com/us/bikes
| bosie wrote:
| Funny, I have been looking at Tern too (as well as Riese
| & Muller). Do you use it in the city as well? Which one
| do you have? How often do you really fold it up?
| rowanajmarshall wrote:
| Alternatively, I've got a Brompton and I love the thing
| to bits. It folds in 30 seconds or less, small enough to
| put under a table at a coffee shop. They're incredibly
| well-built, and parts are easy to find. You can even get
| electric conversion kits.
| kizer wrote:
| Do a lot of cardio exercise, every day; at least 30 minutes. Do
| it for a month (every day!) and then see how you feel. Often I
| believe our underlying physiology is the real driver of
| sentiments which we attribute to conceptual things. Being
| intelligent, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you
| can think your way out of anything. Sometimes thinking isn't the
| answer at all.
|
| Just my 2c.
| ilililililili wrote:
| As a Non-English speaker, my advice is to try some language
| exchange services. There are a lot of girls out there in their
| early 20s who want to have a relationship with English speaker
| like you. Learn a new language and make new connections with new
| people. A good travel, or new business opportunities. Who knows
| the future? Being unmarried also means being free. Take advantage
| of the privileges you have.
| info781 wrote:
| Great advice, learning another language gets your brain going
| and into social situations. He sounds lonely.
| noduerme wrote:
| Mixed bag. Meeting girls in another country is fun when you're
| traveling and you're 18. It can be depressing if they don't
| understand your culture and you don't communicate well.
| Sometimes I can't even understand girls from my own country
| anymore who are ten years younger than me.
| sAbakumoff wrote:
| Dude, you should visit rural Vietnam, Thailand, or Cambodia and
| meet people who possess almost nothing except unconditional
| happiness. Maybe then you stop moaning, fcking poor thing sitting
| on $500K savings and feeling old at 35.
| danparsonson wrote:
| You mentioned travel - what's the longest stretch of time you
| have travelled for? I went backpacking for two years at 35 and it
| was the best thing I ever did for myself; the chance to just 'be'
| without any pressure on your time, the freedom to go and do
| whatever you like with whomever you like - it was wonderful
| therapy for me, and I came back recharged and ready for the next
| phase of life.
|
| If you haven't ever had a very long travel holiday, consider it.
|
| edit: if you want to make friends, I recommend SCUBA diving -
| I've never met a more welcoming, inclusive community of people
| 0ld wrote:
| short answer: it will pass
|
| longer answer: been there, seen that. carry on, find yourself a
| hobby and a couple of friends who share it (might require some
| effort, but it's worth it). kids are also very rewarding
| (probably not for everyone, but surely for me), albeit very
| demanding too. anyway, it will pass, just dont try to drink or
| drug it out - that will only make things worse
|
| good luck
| indymike wrote:
| Sorry you are going through this, but at some point most people
| have that realization. It's a great opportunity to change your
| life for the better.
|
| If you want to re-discover wonder, spend time with children. I'm
| 50, I have 5 kids, and honestly, their sense of wonder is
| infectious and helping them discover the world and discover what
| they love in life has been the best part of my life.
| npteljes wrote:
| I think it's all a sign that you look for happiness at a wrong
| place (for you). I'd suggest to look at other aspects of life, in
| light of what makes people happy, what makes their time feel
| worthwhile. For example, you haven't listed your social
| connections at all, aside from being single. If this reflects
| your current priorities, I'd suggest to look for people who make
| you feel like you belong.
|
| Coincidentally this is also how I personally moved my life
| forward, but it's not just an anecdote, lots of different sources
| tell me that this is what matter at the end of the day. For a
| random example, Season 3, Episode 4 of Bojack Horseman (Fish out
| of water).
| bitxbitxbitcoin wrote:
| That is my favorite Bojack Horseman episode for so many
| reasons.
| timwaagh wrote:
| Better to not let those kinds of ideas trick you. You'd be rich
| in some parts of the world. You're not yet old. Maybe it's time
| to get out of wherever you are and find happiness in a place
| where people will appreciate you. Personally I dream of this but
| my savings aren't enough yet.
| rini17 wrote:
| We are less and less excited with new things as we age, that is
| natural. We need to find other ways to manage our mental health
| and motivation than merely seeking novelty. I found Andrew
| Huberman podcasts very useful resource. https://hubermanlab.com/
| SubiculumCode wrote:
| You are never lost if you've found yourself. Rejoice.
| joaomeloplus wrote:
| make kids
| mikewarot wrote:
| I'm 58. Everything IS an different iteration of the same thing.
| Generally, if intelligent adults are involved, there are likely
| to be some useful new things in the new iteration, small
| improvements. On rare occasion, there are massive changes that
| only become apparent later. (Like when transistors first
| appeared, they wore out, like tubes, but slower... germanium was
| replaced by silicon, and lifetimes tended towards infinity, and
| then integrated circuit appeared)
|
| You're not too old to have a social life... that happens once
| you're in a nursing home, and have worn out the good will of the
| staff. Up until that point, there are always new friendships and
| relationships to be had.
|
| Going out to parties and drinking until morning is a lot harder
| on you than it was, that's a normal part of growing up. There are
| plenty of other things to do that are far more rewarding if you
| give yourself time to grow into them (and Covid rules don't
| prohibit them)
|
| If you need a hobby, I suggest machining. Challenge yourself to
| make 1000 of some everyday hardware store item, like a 1/4" 10-24
| x 2" screw, Flat head. You'll learn a lot of interesting history,
| and grow to appreciate the supply chain, along the way.
|
| Note: Outside of the US, maybe some M8 Torx screws instead?
| You'll learn about Rotary Broaching, or cold heading, along the
| way.
| ja27 wrote:
| I co-founded a makerspace. Maybe 70% of our membership are
| 30-50 y/o men that work in some form of IT (and other desk
| jobs).
|
| The opportunity to make something physical brings them life.
| It's a real bonus if it's something they can carry around and
| show others. 1-2-3 blocks, welded cubes, wood lathed pen
| bodies, 3d printed gadgets, etc.
| wnolens wrote:
| Bless you.
|
| A makerspace let me use a sewing machine for a few bucks to
| fix a shirt. Began a multi-year foray and let me express
| myself more truly than my job ever could.
| nix23 wrote:
| >I suggest machining
|
| That's a great hobby, but instead of screws i made some small
| steam-engines, it's not too hard and it's absolutely
| fascinating if they start working ;)
|
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sp8FMqgc5Io
|
| Not my content...
| ifdefdebug wrote:
| What if they blow into your face? :/
| nix23 wrote:
| Before that you should have more fear of the lathe.
|
| Yeah and maybe buy the pressure-tank (with over-pressure
| valve) or just use pressured air.
|
| And if the machine itself blows up...even more fun to
| repair and improve it.
| wrycoder wrote:
| You hydrostatic test them at a multiple of their working
| pressure.
|
| This uses water instead of steam. If something lets go, the
| energy released is relatively small.
| bregma wrote:
| Then you learn about how the medical system works.
| Everything present a learning opportunity; it's up to you
| to embrace it and earn some benefit.
| momirlan wrote:
| Epic !
| sriram_malhar wrote:
| Just to be clear, don't embrace the steam engine.
| thfuran wrote:
| Not while they're trying to do their job at any rate.
| isoprophlex wrote:
| At least you'll have an interesting epitaph.
|
| "Here lies isoprophlex. An insufferable hothead, like his
| miniature steam engines."
| vilts wrote:
| Machining is nice. I was in IT for little less than 20 years,
| programming and sysadmin. Then I started hand engraving and got
| good at it. Now I am fulltime machinist with my own company and
| quite a few machines. Currently I'm also in uni studying
| mechanical engineering. Seems like I learn new things every day
| - metallurgy, metrology, machining etc etc. A wondrous
| rabbithole of learning, it is.
| strictfp wrote:
| > I suggest machining
|
| r/oddlyspecific
| mateo1 wrote:
| This is not reddit. More moderation please.
| ce4 wrote:
| Apparently this is a suggestion for a relevant(?) subreddit,
| but a bit more context would be nice
| Zhyl wrote:
| To make it more general:
|
| "Find your hobby, or try things until it finds you. You will
| probably be surprised by what you find gratifying and it will
| almost certainly be oddly specific."
| mikewarot wrote:
| Well, I would suggest learning how to make Straight Bevel
| gears, but that's too specific and autobiographical.
| dimgl wrote:
| Lmao this is one of the most out of touch posts I've ever seen.
| This has to be a troll.
| lettergram wrote:
| > have about $500k in savings. I am single and haven't had a
| serious relationship for many years now.
|
| You have wealth, a good set of skills, etc.
|
| My advice is to work on yourself. Some basic rules:
|
| 1. Focus on personal growth - fitness, hobbies, health and goals
| (build self-esteem).
|
| 2. Find social groups - church, clubs, w.e. This helps foster
| relationships and a sense of community.
|
| 3. Build something. Could be a house, furniture, what have you.
|
| Some basic, pretty universal truths:
|
| We, as humans, seek a community. Whether people like to admit it
| or not, we want community, family, mates, and offspring. The
| majority of us need those things to feel fulfilled. We need
| support and we want to feel affection.
| jzellis wrote:
| Badly according to the FBI profilers
| exdsq wrote:
| Sounds a little like either burnout or depression could be at
| play here mate. I'd suggest three things; A) work on your
| physical health. You're in your 30s and can absolutely be much
| fitter and healthier than you were in your 20s. B) consider
| taking time out of work and using your savings to do some cool
| things you've wanted to do for a while - maybe travel in Europe,
| spend your summer surfing and winter snowboarding or something.
| C) speak to a therepist and check your mental health is in tip
| top shape. It can have a really good effect to speak this stuff
| out to someone and reflect on causes.
|
| Whatever you decide, wish you the best. 35 isn't old.
| jessejjohnson wrote:
| I'm 38 and feel the EXACT same way! I try explaining to my wife
| but unable to. I'm all the sudden unimpressed and not interested
| in most things. Very bizarre and honestly depressing.
| shmde wrote:
| Have you checked your vitamin D, vitamin B12 levels ? I am 25
| and used to feel the same way. Not interested in things, giving
| up repeatedly on my gf/relationship, playing video games became
| a chore. I used to sleep less because of the stress of a very
| shitty job. Overall I felt like shit all the time.
|
| I read on the net that it might be because of a vitamin D
| deficiency. I took a medical test and it showed me that I was
| vitamin D and vitamin B deficient. I have started taking
| supplements for these two and I can already feel the difference
| after almost two months of taking the vitamins.
|
| Get your vitamin levels checked.
| trendingwaifu wrote:
| > playing video games became a chore
|
| Ouch. This is the one I identify the most with. I am, or was,
| a huge gamer. I used to play shooters, MMOs, and grindy RPGs
| and loved it. I could easily spend the whole day playing.
|
| Now I can barely play for more than an hour without feeling
| some kind of anxiety that I'm wasting my time or need to get
| to the goal as efficiently as possible. How can I fix this!?
|
| I'm already taking vitamin supplements :)
| Grustaf wrote:
| > Now I can barely play for more than an hour without
| feeling some kind of anxiety that I'm wasting my time or
| need to get to the goal as efficiently as possible. How can
| I fix this!?
|
| Listen to that feeling, because it's the truth. Video games
| should be at the absolute bottom of your priorities. Every
| minute you're playing video games is a minute you could be
| improving yourself, meeting new people, travelling or
| whatever.
|
| 35 is not old but time is nonetheless limited, you need to
| make the most of it. Once you have a family and feel some
| kind of fulfilment, then you can play video games if you
| want. I bet that right now it's just a temporary escape
| from your feeling of emptiness, but as soon as you stop
| playing the feelings come back, stronger than before,
| because you just wasted another hour without getting any
| closer to your goal. It's very analogous to trying to numb
| your ennui with alcohol, it's not a good idea.
| eurekin wrote:
| > Ouch. This is the one I identify the most with. I am, or
| was, a huge gamer. I used to play shooters, MMOs, and
| grindy RPGs and loved it. I could easily spend the whole
| day playing.
|
| > the fact that I don't have the option to do them is
| depressing to me.
|
| > I definitely am less able to enjoy pleasure as I was many
| years ago
|
| > Once I get back in front of the screen, it's back to the
| usual self.
|
| I think there might be something here and I think I might
| have a video quite relevant for you:
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvNCvCKJRBg
| resonious wrote:
| I'm late 20's and can also kind of relate. Playing games
| kind of feels like a chore now.
|
| Personally, I just took that as a signal to stop playing
| games. I still play (and really enjoy) multiplayer games
| with friends when they're around, but if you have an
| anxiety saying "you should be doing something else" then I
| think you should probably try doing something else.
| jpetso wrote:
| As an alternative to the sibling comment's suggestion, you
| could try playing some non-grindy games. There's this
| general expectation that one doesn't get good value out of
| a game unless there's at least 60 hours of content and
| probably an ever-challenging multiplayer mode, but dump
| those AAA expectations and focus on just having a good
| time.
|
| Pick an indie game or two with a well-defined end point,
| one that plays in under 20 or even 10 hours. See the sense
| of finishing and never going back to it makes you feel any
| differently.
|
| If it doesn't work, you can still leave games by the
| wayside. I took several years of a break because I just
| wasn't feeling it, and ended up coming back to video games
| with a different perspective. It's all good either way, you
| don't have to force it.
| notapenny wrote:
| If you let that feeling in for a bit, can you figure out
| why you feel like you're wasting your time? Is it
| inefficiency or just plain waste?
|
| I felt this way about Diablo 3 for a bit, at some point I
| thought "I could've learned 3 languages by now instead of
| this". Turns out I still like gaming, but yeah, I really do
| also want to do other things with my time. So no more
| grindy stuff, I'll game, but more the stuff I can play for
| 30 minutes and stop, or alternatively some RPG/single
| player game that I can play for 40 hours over a few weeks
| to get my fill, and then move on.
| koirapoika wrote:
| 33 here, exactly the same story. Take care.
| momirlan wrote:
| Get married. That will ensure an endless stream of adrenaline
| TruthSHIFT wrote:
| This is a total long shot, but what you're describing sounds like
| gender dyphoria.
|
| I'm not saying you have it. But, you should be on the lookout for
| fundamental ways that you're not being true to yourself. You may
| be living your life to meet the expectations of others instead of
| optimizing for your own happiness.
| trinsic2 wrote:
| For me, my mental/spiritual/emotional health needed to come
| first. All my problems around life centered around unconscious
| turmoil that I wasn't facing. Its my believe that health problems
| start on a emotional/mental level which has a lot to do with the
| choices I make.
|
| For me, I really needed to work on resolving my early inner
| trauma that I carried with me throughout my life.
|
| The information that helped me face this aspects of my life and
| helped me get back on track of living a loving and peaceful life:
|
| Constructive Living - David K. Reynolds. All works of James Allen
| The Mankind Project (Don't believe everything you read online
| about MKP)
| atirip wrote:
| Find a hobby. Something that is not work related and take it
| seriously. I don't know - start cooking, invest into obscure
| LP's, vintage fashion, start collecting stamps, racing cars. PS!
| Going to gym and travelling is not a hobby.
| holdenc wrote:
| My friend, you are not lost -- you are free. From what I can
| tell, you have your health, your youth (35 is still young) and
| you have some savings. If you don't have a mortgage, kids, a
| spouse, and a job you cannot leave, then you are free. The next
| step is to see the world. Get a one-way ticket to Chiang Mai and
| try to stay as long as possible. Learn the language, get a
| scooter, and talk to people. Live close to the earth, and when
| you eventually miss home, you will return a different person.
| Certain places are easier to reboot yourself than others. Pick
| some place warm and friendly.
| recuter wrote:
| Chiang Mai and the rest of Thailand are rather shit at the
| moment with insane entry requirements. Even if you persevere
| (and don't get jailed in quarantine hotel) understand that
| there are no tourists, no expats, no nightlife at the moment
| and many many failed businesses and ghost town vibes.
|
| "Just learn Thai lol" is not actionable advice either. I say
| this as someone who has literally done what you suggest in 50+
| countries. If he could somehow sneak into New Zealand (not
| Australia!) I'd strongly recommend that instead at the moment.
| Buy a van. Hike. So many great treks and places that you
| usually need to reserve months in advance and far higher
| likelihood of meaningful interactions.
| mikeuxinnuendo wrote:
| So long as you're fully vaxed its not so bad.
|
| Heading there next month ;)
| recuter wrote:
| You can certainly catch a variant or just test positive
| even if you are fully vaxed and boosted. And frankly it
| wouldn't surprise me if this is just a way to shakedown
| tourists.
|
| They decided last week that on the first and _fifth_ days
| from arrival you must stay in an approved hotel. They don
| 't tell you the results until you are all tucked in, and so
| you have a rather high chance of ending up in an expensive
| covid jail.
|
| Next month is a long time away and they are making up new
| rules as they go as per usual. I admire your optimism and
| hope you get lucky and enjoy the place as few people will
| get to experience the islands so empty :)
| subpixel wrote:
| I will attest to this being quite poor advice. I think the OP
| is well aware that a cheap exotic vacation and a scooter are
| not going to fill the gap he feels.
| medill1919 wrote:
| It is not poor advice. Travel has always rebooted my outlook
| on life, the way I see things. It is essental.
| subpixel wrote:
| On the other hand, locales like the one recommended are
| full of first-world young adults testing the theory that a
| change of location will fix what ails them with markedly
| mixed results.
|
| Travel can be great, but travel is at best a sort of
| emotional palliative care for a person in the OPs situation
| as I understand it.
| alar44 wrote:
| victor_e wrote:
| 500k in savings? That is quite the achievement. You should feel
| good about that.
| seb1204 wrote:
| I wish him all the best and am glad again to know my wife is
| right when she said money does not solve all problems. I should
| listen to her more.
| senectus1 wrote:
| definitely. I have just under 500k in debt and about 30k in
| savings. and I'm 47.
|
| Most of that debt is a house (that needs a lot of restoration).
| I have two awesome kids and a wife though. I'm happy with that
| part of me.
| baobabKoodaa wrote:
| > I have just under 500k in debt and about 30k in savings ...
| Most of that debt is a house (that needs a lot of
| restoration)
|
| I feel like the concept of net worth is crucial to
| communicate things like these effectively. Reading your
| comment, I can't even figure out if you are in the red or in
| the green.
| bojan wrote:
| Yes, even without kids and a relationship, it's a large sum.
| Large enough that he's probably doing really good
| professionally.
| VBprogrammer wrote:
| Perhaps this is naive of me but to have half a million in the
| bank and being miserable sounds like a pretty poor state of
| affairs. Time to convert some of that money into time and
| experiences.
| tkiolp4 wrote:
| Image OP being in the same state of mind but with 20K in
| the bank. Now, that's miserable.
| ornornor wrote:
| I know people who are older than that and with less in
| the bank. They live on a sailing yacht and are more happy
| than most will ever be. They cross oceans when they want
| to change scenery. They haven't seen temps lower than 20C
| in decades, living between the tropics and SE Asia,
| sailing along the way.
| VBprogrammer wrote:
| Besides that, isn't there a figure about the number of
| people who'd have to borrow money to cover a $1000
| emergency? Something like 60% of Americans if I remember
| correctly.
| nnoitra wrote:
| There are people 50 years old with 5K who aren't as
| miserable as OP.
| hwers wrote:
| Don't say stuff like that in a public forum there's bound
| to be people who fit that criterion reading this
| ido wrote:
| I would guess loneliness is a big part of it. You don't
| have to be "successful" to find a life partner.
| noduerme wrote:
| You're more likely to find one before you get rich.
| ido wrote:
| I wouldn't know, but either way I don't think OP is rich
| enough to hamper their chances.
| mikeuxinnuendo wrote:
| You sound like a genuinely productive individual.
|
| This might sound like complete bullshit, but have you spent any
| time to try and gather your thoughts in a constructive manner to
| identify where your feelings are coming from, and where or how
| you might find excitement and joy again?
|
| You won't find all the answers this way, but it could help you
| find some direction. Personally I might guess that you need to
| explore other opportunities and find new passions in life to
| truely get out of your current state of mind. That might involve
| travel, as others have suggested, to open your mind to other
| possibilities, since we often pigeon-hole our focus towards
| what's already in front of us.
|
| I've been through something similar twice in my life, and as I
| say, it took both mindfulness and a bit of exploration to find my
| way out. Sending yourself off to uncomfortable and unknown
| situations, to discover what else there is to life, for you. We
| need goals in life to feel like we're achieving something,
| striving for something, like we have something to live for. Have
| you lost sight of your goals? Do you still have any as of this
| moment that you are passionate about?
|
| One last fortune cookie I might offer: Believe in yourself. We
| all fall down at some point, it's how we handle that fall that
| really matters, and if you can pull yourself back up, new
| horizons await.
| geden wrote:
| Find a sport or sports that you enjoy. Focus on getting good at
| them with a coach and PT. Would recommend tennis and/or
| badminton. Join a local club.
|
| That's health and socialising covered. Which is most of
| happiness.
|
| Oh and deal with any underlying trauma with a talking therapy and
| some kind of somatic therapy.
| blondie9x wrote:
| Reality is time is running out. Try to push yourself to do more
| impactful work.
| rman666 wrote:
| 35? You are still wet behind the ears! I'm almost 59 and I code
| all the time (Ruby on Rails, mostly). Age truly is just a number.
| If you feel confused about all the languages and frameworks, you
| are right to feel that way. It's confusing as hell. Everyone
| feels that way. You just have to find your niche and become an
| expert in it. Let us know how you're doing when you're 60!
| mancerayder wrote:
| For me those feelings are exacerbated by the housing situation,
| and inflation running hot.
|
| In a high cost of living area, there are two tiers of human
| being:
|
| 1 Those who have purchased a home before the insanity, and have a
| stability around their housing location and costs.
|
| 2 Those who are renting.
|
| A few scenarios. Let's take the 500K figure and the number 2.
| Number 2 can't quit their jobs to climb mountains and do yoga,
| because inflation is running hot at 7 percent and in a high cost
| of living area, that 500K will be depleted rapidly.
|
| The Number 2 can't even take a PAUSE from their tech jobs,
| because hiring managers see gaps in CV's as red flags. Another
| red flag is simply being old. So Number 2 MUST continually jump
| from job to job.
|
| The feeling of excitement about things comes to play in the
| question of whether one has a choice in the matter; you work in
| tech because it pays well and you can be house secure. If you can
| pause and come back, then you can explore yourself and career
| options. If you can't pause at all, then all you have are therapy
| or drugs to tolerate the hamster wheel of tech worker life.
|
| 500K is a lot on a global scale, it's in the top percentage of
| the world. But in the HCOL areas (SF, Seattle, NYC), 500K is,
| unfortunately, not 'enough' to be secure. You can be secure for a
| couple of years, but unless you put your belongings in storage
| and spend time in another country (another country that isn't
| Europe, also expensive), you will deplete your savings AND be an
| unemployed middle age (35 is too young for that, but 40 is not
| too young for this risk) person.
|
| One can do all the yoga, clean living, therapy and child-rearing
| (all the suggestions below), but no one is addressing 'housing
| security'.
| bitxbitxbitcoin wrote:
| The Number 2 can move to a low cost of living place. Plenty of
| small towns around the world and even in the US where 500k will
| set you up with housing security and free time to do yoga,
| clean living, therapy, and child-rearing.
|
| Why people don't consider this option seriously is a different
| consideration entirely.
| mancerayder wrote:
| Not everyone has fully remote. In fact the largest employers
| of tech in New York are going the opposite way. I.e.
| financial services.
|
| In January the business leaders met with the Governor and the
| Mayor to figure out how to encourage people to come back.
| It's really happening. Even with hybrid, cheap housing means
| long commute times.
| axegon_ wrote:
| I'm 33 and I'm in a very similar boat. Actually exactly the same
| to be completely honest. Several things have helped me cope with
| those thoughts. First one was force myself not to think about it.
| Whatever spare time I have, fill it up with something and avoid
| just sitting/laying down and contemplating. Books, walks,
| exercising, movies, stupid youtube videos, anything but giving
| myself the opportunity to think about it. Second one is getting
| yourself into new hobbies, which is extremely easy. I've never
| been a car guy or anything but cars generally interest me, so I
| started following Formula 1 closely. Got myself a 3D printer and
| started studying 3D modeling. Microcontrollers, sensors and small
| devices are dirt cheap and making small devices is extremely
| rewarding. And last but certainly not least, when the pandemic
| started I got myself a dog to keep me company. A fairly large one
| and a breed that is notorious for being extremely smart and
| having an infinite amount of energy. I definitely underestimated
| both of those things but it has helped me massively.
| ido wrote:
| 33 (and 35) is young, please don't think you're over the hill.
| I'm 38 and I still feel I'm just starting out & there's a lot
| to look forward to (I'll bet having little kids is a big part
| of why I feel that way).
|
| Like the above it sounds like a lot of it might be loneliness?
| I'm not saying it expecting it to be something easy to rectify
| but if it is the cause it is indeed possible to become less
| lonely. I dare say it will give you more happiness than a lot
| of success in your career.
| axegon_ wrote:
| Nah, in all fairness I'm perfectly content in that aspect-no
| such expectations or desires. I have plenty of bad examples -
| observations and personal experiences: in a nutshell, my life
| is similar to an early 2000's hypercar - looks great on the
| outside and desirable from afar, but in reality impractical,
| useless in the real world uncomfortable and deadly in most
| scenarios. My bad qualities include extreme nihilism,
| cynicism, irony and sarcasm and extremely low tolerance for
| anything that doesn't suit me. Selling points - financial
| status and abs. The latter is offered by most people at the
| next door gym which leaves us with the financial aspect,
| so... Yeah... Pass.
| ido wrote:
| Relationships are not transactional like that, you don't
| have to have a USP to get a romantic partner. You are
| probably selling yourself short and there are a lot of
| people who could love you (and that you could love).
| axegon_ wrote:
| Perhaps, whether it's been personal experience or simply
| as an external observer(and as much as friends and family
| would hate me for saying this), relationships have been
| nothing but transactional and manifestations of some form
| of co-dependency.
|
| > You are probably selling yourself short and there are a
| lot of people who could love you (and that you could
| love).
|
| Maybe, maybe not, not caring appears to take considerably
| less effort.
| lleb97a wrote:
| Thanks for posting. My approach as been very similar to yours,
| especially not sitting around contemplating it.
| MichaelRazum wrote:
| - $500k may seem not much for you. Guess you would have more if
| your start-ups took off or if you would just work in fang and
| save the money.
|
| - The money doesn't really matter. Guess you would feel the same
| if you had a successful start-up running.
|
| So to your question. I can really understand you. To be honest I
| don't have a solution for you, but guess money isn't part of it.
| I think you would feel the same if you had $10m on your bank
| account. So it's more the social part. There are some obvious
| steps you could try to improve it, like dating for example.
| Mikeb85 wrote:
| > I have held jobs in small and big companies for mostly for 1-2
| years each, traveled and lived in different countries, had 2
| failed startups, and have about $500k in savings
|
| Just think about this for a sec. You've got a good career,
| travelled and have $500k US in savings. You're in the top 5% in
| the US and definitely top 1% worldwide. I think your problem is
| your expectations... Worry less about 'success' and live your
| life.
| [deleted]
| freddymilkovich wrote:
| Right here with you OP. I dont have cash quite like that yet, but
| this experience is all too real for me right now.
| manceraio wrote:
| - Have friends around you
|
| - Have freedom
|
| - Do meaningful work
|
| - Spend $ on experiences, not things
|
| - Help others with what you're good at
|
| - Lower your expectations
|
| - Exercise + eat healthily
|
| - Reflect on thoughts
| anovikov wrote:
| But that's true, all modern "new" technologies are bullshit, they
| are little but attempts to milk the most stupid of consumers
| using same old shit under new names (Metaverse? we had Second
| Life for how many years? VR? VFX-1 was working just fine 25 years
| ago, and was about as useless as today's gear).
|
| That's alright, keep your savings in the stock market and retire
| happily at 65, and for now just do something taking as little
| effort as possible to fund your current expenses.
|
| Young people aren't "better", they just don't know how pointless
| life is, YET.
| trentnix wrote:
| First of all, at 35 you're still a baby. Tap the brakes on your
| anxiety around running out of time.
|
| Second, most everyone is recommending other self-interested
| pursuits and I don't think you'll find the best fulfillment
| there.
|
| For me, the answer to "what's the point?" is: kids. After I
| pursued all of my self-interested goals (resulting in a mix of
| failure and success depending on who's keeping score) I had kids
| and realized none of that stuff I pursued really, truly mattered.
| In fact I wish I'd had kids sooner, as young children (I've got
| three) are an especially thorough ass-kicking for a 40+-year-old.
|
| Having kids with a like-minded, selfless partner is literally the
| very best thing I've ever done. And it's the best thing I suspect
| you'll ever do if it comes to pass. As a friend of mine (who also
| had kids later in life) says, you have kids and you realize
| "oooohhhh, this is the whole point".
| effnorwood wrote:
| atiragram wrote:
| "But not anymore now. I feel like my time for everything is
| running out." -> what is this everything you want to have time
| for? Do you wish to be in a relationship? since you mentioned it
| at the beginning.
|
| When I don't feel excited about the world, similar to what you
| describe, you meditate or spend time in nature. Reading about
| geology or trees has opened my eyes about how little we grasp
| about the nature of the universe and how focused on our own short
| lives we are while we are actually not much important. It's a
| shift in perspective. Usually, it helps me remember the small
| things that I still can influence rather than those beyond my
| control.
| trendingwaifu wrote:
| > what is this everything you want to have time for? Do you
| wish to be in a relationship? since you mentioned it at the
| beginning.
|
| I don't know to be honest. Perhaps what's nagging at me is the
| lack of optionality. There are certain things I am now too old
| to do, like go to a school as typical student, go crazy at
| festival or clubs, go backpacking and easily meet new people,
| and have casual relationships. It's not that I _want_ to do
| these things. I don 't feel any desire for them. But the fact
| that I don't have the option to do them is depressing to me.
| Avalaxy wrote:
| I dont get why you feel kike you dont have those options? I
| see plenty of people in their 40s and 50s going to festivals
| or going backpacking. The only one stopping you, is you.
| notapenny wrote:
| You have the option to do all of these things.
|
| I went back to school in the evenings when I was your age
| after being unfulfilled in my career. Turns out part-time
| education is full of people ranging from 20-somethings who
| chose the wrong career when they weren't working, to
| 50-somethings who just want to do something else.
|
| I'm 40, most of my friends are mid 30s. When festival season
| comes around in the Netherlands, you can be damn sure people
| my age are going out there. Heck, we're the generation that
| started that when we were teens. Sure, I can't stay up until
| 6 in the morning anymore, but that doesn't stop us from going
| out until 3 am and hopping from bar to bar. I'll take the
| weekend recovering over not being able to go out anymore :)
|
| You're not that old. The option isn't the problem, it sounds
| like your lack of desire is it. My best advice is take some
| time off, maybe a year since you've got the reserves, read
| some philosophy, slow down, figure out what matters to you.
| lui8906 wrote:
| I can resonate with this. What I remind myself when I have
| these thoughts is:
|
| A) Life is like an evolving game with many rounds. Some doors
| close in your 20s, other doors open in 30s and so on. See
| what interests you outside and off the screen, once you find
| this, connect with other people who like to do it. For eg. in
| my city a lot of tech workers are into bouldering and hiking.
| You will see as you make friends in your age group, there is
| a whole bunch of new doors opening now that you are in your
| 30s.
|
| B) Actually most of the things you list are totally still
| doable even _if_ you did want to do them. School as a typical
| student maybe not, but why be typical? I've met backpackers
| in their 60s, age truly is just a number.
| iExploder wrote:
| u are middle aged, biological imperative dictates you are suppose
| be raising children. seems you are financially positioned for a
| family, find out if that's something you'll like or not. imagine
| what kind of life you want to have at 50.
|
| in general its "never too late for anything", but realistically,
| having a kid takes a lot of effort both mentally and physically.
| robg wrote:
| Start with Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankyl
| Dwelve wrote:
| A certain degradation of excitement is inevitable but there are
| countless opportunities you haven't taken yet and challenges that
| will give you meaning. "Excited about technologies" is an issue
| that was bound to happen, considering how overpromising every
| single new innovation is sold. At some point we do learn our
| lesson and understand the actual difference this new piece of
| hardware is going to have on our life will be minimal. If you're
| looking for new things to grab and hold your attention I highly
| advice to not keep looking in the same place you've been standing
| at for the longest time.
|
| It does sound like you've worked a lot, and probably also with
| computers, so you probably should try to find challenges in other
| fields, mainly sports. Run a marathon, do some climbing, get in
| the best shape of your life - it is utterly impossible to not
| feel ecstatic whenever you beat your own records. Also, sounds
| like starting a family would give you a tremendous benefit. Once
| you have kids the question about "feeling lost" doesn't even come
| up (probably because the kids won't let you think enough about
| that :P)
|
| I'm 32 and I basically did not exist throughout my 20s but now
| I'm in better shape than I've ever been before, interact with
| people more than I ever did before and make new experiences on a
| regular basis.
| selimnairb wrote:
| I am curious where you have worked, mostly in the private sector?
| Maybe try getting a job in academia or a non-profit. The pay will
| likely be lower (though maybe not as much lower as you think, in
| academia at least), but the benefits will likely be better (esp.
| time off). Most of all, you could have work that contributes to a
| mission you care about.
| teaker wrote:
| I'm 36 and in a similar boat. Without going into my story, I'll
| tell you that one thing that has been helpful for me is "giving
| back."
|
| For instance, like you, I used to enjoy music festivals (still
| do, but differently now). Remember how cool your first festival
| was? How can you contribute to the experience that the first-time
| 20-something festival goers have now? Build a cool piece of LED
| art? Volunteer? Start on a project. Get involved.
|
| The above is just one example of the many ways I've found to give
| back in various areas of my life. It is fun, rewarding, and opens
| doors to new opportunities and people.
| jesusthatsgreat wrote:
| Having kids fixes the problem of feeling old and lost. Your life
| now has purpose and you have lifelong blood buddies to share
| experiences & stories with.
|
| Having kids also means ideally having a stable relationship with
| a partner and you'll never reach that point without dating.
|
| Work, at the end of the day, is meaningless if you feel your life
| is without purpose. Money isn't quite meaningless in that it can
| help to entertain & distract you and also help to attract &
| retain a partner. Everyone likes someone who is self sufficient.
|
| Most technologies aren't necessary, most companies aren't
| necessary, most work isn't necessary. If you approach life from
| that perspective you'll see that the only thing worth dedicating
| yourself to is family & friends.
| athinggoingon wrote:
| Reading through the comments, does it feel like they have no idea
| what you're going through or where you're coming from? If so, let
| me tell you what worked for me. None of these comments ever works
| without having someone around you that you can _reality test_
| with. You need to find a partner in life. You need to get
| married. And no, a live-in partner won 't do.
|
| That is it. There is no other solutions for you. Meetups,
| hobbies, social contacts, "experiences", ... They won't work. You
| will come back to an empty home at the end of it and discover the
| same old problems you were trying to deal with.
|
| Just get married.
| hashimotonomora wrote:
| Yes but getting married is not a goal in itself. It's necessary
| but not sufficient.
| kgin wrote:
| How does one "just get married"?
| nobodyofnote wrote:
| Not to put words in your mouth, but "Just get married" sounds
| eerily close to "someone else will fix you".
|
| Sure, marriage can bring lots of purpose and meaning to your
| life. It may even 'fix' you, for a time. However, it can also
| bring devastation. Being betrayed by who I felt was my partner
| in life nearly destroyed me, and years later I'm still
| struggling to find my footing.
|
| Relying on union with another person is not, in my eyes, a
| viable solution for the long term. At best, you're punting the
| internal work that's truly called for down the road to another
| day.
| Trasmatta wrote:
| > You need to find a partner in life. You need to get married.
|
| No you don't. This is not a prerequisite for happiness or
| meaning. It's a narrow view on life to believe that the only
| way to achieve fulfilment is through marriage. Especially not
| even considering all the pitfalls involved, and all the risks
| of it making your life much worse.
|
| Maybe it'll work for OP, maybe it won't. It's way too big of a
| blanket statement to just say "marriage will fix your
| problems".
| tomohawk wrote:
| There seems to be a lot of focus on the material in your post.
| The material aspects of life are not unimportant, but they are
| secondary.
|
| If this focus on the outer person is not satisfying, then it may
| be time to explore other aspects of life. The following site can
| help you investigate this for yourself:
|
| https://www.selfauthoring.com/
|
| What you are experiencing is nothing new. The book of
| Ecclesiastes was written thousands of years ago, and may be worth
| a look. Here's the first chapter:
|
| https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ecclesiastes%20...
| tonguez wrote:
| What does it say about society that you can make $500K and feel
| like you haven't achieved much? A lot of the "work" people do
| probably isn't very helpful to most people, except maybe some
| rich person who owns (a part of) the company.
| pknerd wrote:
| midlife crisis I guess, I am in mid 40s and I often think on
| similar lines. Does anyone have some hack or solution to deal
| with it?
| allisdust wrote:
| Unpopular opinion:
|
| Start getting spiritual. You will notice eventually that all the
| life long ambitions/hobbies/craving for experiences is like a
| relay race of sorts where the baton(craving) gets continuously
| passed around to the next of runner only to be repeated again and
| again.
|
| The emptiness is not due to lack of experiences in life. It's due
| to the realisation that every desire, experience, happiness, pain
| is made of the same underlying thing. So chasing after more is
| not going to be anymore fulfilling. Like another comment said,
| start living for others.
| throwawayben wrote:
| Just turned 35. Suffering very similarly, though minus the
| savings.
|
| I saw a therapist for 2 years which helped a little and got me to
| the point where I realised I needed to get out of London, as it
| felt impossible to build deep relationships.
|
| So I recently moved to a much smaller city and am making new
| friends and connections here and trying to build these
| relationships much deeper than I have in the past. I think it's
| helping but when I'm home, alone, the malaise begins to return.
|
| I've also lost pretty much all my enthusiasm for tech lately, so
| I've gone down to a 4 day week, though I often feel like I'm
| "wasting" the extra free day off.
|
| However, one of my new friends here is going through a coding
| bootcamp and talking with them about tech makes me feel
| enthusiastic again, so I'm considering how to move to some kind
| of teaching/tutoring role. I've volunteered as a mentor for
| bootcamp students, to get a taste, but that's not started yet - I
| shall see!
| lanstin wrote:
| When I was that age is when I started having babies with my then
| wife. All the below advice seems fine to do, but maybe it is also
| worth considering an inquiry into your self, some sort of
| psychotherapy or meditation (as a verbal sort of person, I really
| enjoy therapy as a way to understand my situation better; as an
| anxious person, I find meditation helps me act closer to how I
| prefer to act).
|
| Is your life somehow ill-fitting for your values, for what you
| find truly admirable?
|
| Or kids, you will see new things and not have time to worry about
| boredom. Your time is running out, but that is the normal nature
| of life. As my meditation teacher would quote from time to time,
| "Take heed, do not squander your time by day or by night; this
| very day your life is shorter by one day."
| hellothree23 wrote:
| Focus on your health of course, find some hobbies u can get
| immersed in (away from the computer), spend time thinking about
| your spiritual well-being. Spend more time outside.
| marto1 wrote:
| Put things in perspective. There are people in their 50s that
| still go to bars and continue until their 70s probably, stopping
| only because of physical inability. Anyway, that shouldn't be
| used as a measure is what I'm trying to say.
|
| Remember that anything that happens to you has happened to
| thousands and thousands of men in the past so don't put so much
| pressure on living.
|
| Also, try to see yourself more as an artist painting a picture
| rather than someone that is struggling through life. Hope that
| helps.
| noduerme wrote:
| Also, WTF is wrong with bars? Bars are great.
|
| I can't remember what book it was, maybe something by Douglas
| Coupland (?) He talks about how there was probably some guy
| just like him in 200 AD, in the Roman Empire, going through
| exactly what he's going through now. Forgotten to history, all
| his thoughts. And he's just that guy all over again.
|
| Compared to beating the shit out of yourself for not being
| Mohammed or Ghengis Khan, Bars are _just fine_.
| david12345 wrote:
| The meditations by Marcus Aurelius?
| codechad wrote:
| brailsafe wrote:
| Hey no worries. I'm turning 30 in a couple days and have zero
| fucking dollars left. I hear philanthropy makes ppl feel better
| :)
| AndrewDucker wrote:
| As someone who will turn 50 this year with a 4 year old and a 1
| year old, I can tell you what worked for _me_.
|
| But fundamentally you need to work out what brings you happiness,
| and aim for that.
| pseingatl wrote:
| 50 is the new 30.
| [deleted]
| amznbyebyebye wrote:
| Reading through these comments and reflecting a bit myself.
|
| OP if you think deeply I think you will find the answer and maybe
| already know it already. Perhaps there is something in your heart
| of hearts that you want to do but are afraid to take the leap?
| gameswithgo wrote:
| I am 43 and share a lot of your struggles. I find that avoiding
| alcohol and drugs improves my outlook a lot, but it takes a
| while, same for getting physically fit. Then the trick is finding
| some fulfilling thing to do, finish a triathlon, write a book,
| travel, join local government, teach, make a game or side
| project. Some creative goal to work towards.
|
| Good luck
| fimdomeio wrote:
| It looks you need to find meaningful things in your life. What it
| is that is meaningful is enterly up to uou. Normally it's
| something that happens progressevly, it starts with "this could
| be interesting" and then evolves from there. Things that directly
| involve other people, where you feel you are important to them or
| feeling that you are appreciated have higher probability of
| feeling meaningful. I would suggest the exact opposite of travel.
| It's not about finding the exotic, it's about looking deeper on
| the things that are already around you.
| leetrout wrote:
| I know it's not the point of your post but you should be very
| very happy to have saved up $500k. Way ahead, my friend!
| m3kw9 wrote:
| Feeling old is basically a marketing problem. We all been sold
| either in movies, ads, perceptions that being old means you are
| down a level from ppl in their 20s, slow, wrinkly, look like
| "crap". Just got to say screw the marketing, I'm making my own.
| sidhuko wrote:
| I'm 32 and in a similar situation. I lost my mother and both
| brothers within last 6 months of last year and ended up
| questioning everything.
|
| Even though I was in this moment of time where I was questioning
| everything I couldn't actually move forward with any of the
| changes I wanted. The big mental changer for me was the gym. Not
| necessarily for health but because everyday I'm pushing myself to
| failure and also seeing improvement.
|
| Even though I have hobbies like photography and being a drummer
| to be honest I would be frustrated at that type of failure and
| avoid it. Maybe the lack of feeling creative is too personal to
| face right now. Since the gym I feel like that's improving and I
| am slowly reaching out to a social circle again and seeing new
| opportunity.
|
| It has improved my mental clarity and personality too. I am lucky
| to have my girlfriend of nearly two years and I was preparing to
| propose before all this happened. I would question that too but I
| started to realise I didn't want to be this person running from
| my problems in different countries again. I didn't wait for the
| perfect time but did the best I could and that went well.
|
| I suppose for me in the area of finding a partner was finding
| faith in myself again. At around 30 I was about the same and
| hadn't been with anyone I could see marrying. I couldn't seem to
| attract the type I saw myself settling with. I think that changed
| with the gym too and applying focus to my new interests at the
| time like photography.
|
| After I stopped trying with my current fiance, maybe a year and a
| half of our first meetup, she started to see who I am and what I
| could be because I was just applying myself to improve my own
| life. I think we all like to see that in each other no matter
| gender or preference. It can just be within your friendship
| circles after you grow out of drinking buddies.
|
| I think you know it's not your too old to go out a be that guy
| again but you don't want too. Trust me I have old friends your
| age who are still acting like their 20 and reliving all the same
| mistakes. Right now you just need a physical parallel to what
| your mind needs to do. Fail early, learn and adapt, improve and
| grow
| karaterobot wrote:
| Many people use GPS, but if you are more comfortable using paper
| maps, you can do that too. You don't have to carry the full map
| (fold it, unfold it...), you can just photocopy or even cut out
| the section of the map relevant to where you're traveling. Of
| course, you can always just stop and ask a local, and they'll
| give you directions. People are generally very helpful.
| jtthe13 wrote:
| 42 y.o. Here. I put it in perspective, try to stay reasonably
| healthy, and live by the mantra "Never lament getting old. It's a
| privilege denied to many." Giving back to younger generations is
| also very rewarding.
| curiousgal wrote:
| Hey it's me your younger generations.
|
| Seriously though, I take special pleasure in helping people
| directly. Giving to charity helps but getting to know people
| and giving a hand directly is even more rewarding I've found.
| hownottowrite wrote:
| Mourning the loss of one's youth is pretty typical. You lose a
| step. You didn't do what you hoped you would do. You wasted your
| time. So forth and so on.
|
| Don't worry. It gets better. This is all part of the process of
| life.
|
| My recommendation is that you read Man's Search for Meaning by
| Viktor Frankl.
|
| "He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how."
|
| I'm 52 here. I was a prolific programmer in my 20s. A go-go
| marketer in my 30s. For the last 10 years, I've run a business
| that I love with two partners who have taken advantage of me at
| every turn. The last two years neither has worked and yet they
| get paid.
|
| Do I feel lost or depressed? Absolutely not.
|
| I love life. I have an amazing family to whom I am utterly
| devoted. I volunteer for stuff. I do cool things every day. If I
| feel bored, I make things with my hands or engage in other
| creative pursuits. I focus on the moment and others more than
| anything else and all the rest just goes away.
|
| How is this possible? I've filled my life with reasons to live.
|
| In fact, I have so many now that there is no room for worry about
| what I have and haven't done. And in doing so, I realize that
| none of that matters anyway.
|
| My mom died at 52 after taking a header down a flight of stairs.
| My grandfather died at 56 after getting stabbed in the belly by
| my grandmother (she was psychotic).
|
| Our naked existence is laughable. Everything can be lost in an
| instant.
|
| Dive into the why and you can deal with any how.
| user_235711 wrote:
| I second the "Man's Search for Meaning" recommendation. That
| book is great for putting one's struggles into perspective, and
| emphasizing the importance of a "why."
| tonguez wrote:
| This book gets recommended a lot probably because it relates
| to the Holocaust, but it's worth pointing out that "Man's
| Search for Meaning" describes itself as "a story". It's not a
| philosophical book. If you want, you can learn about the
| development of human thought over time. There is an entire
| history of philosophy.
|
| "Siddhartha" or "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" might
| also relate to the meaning of life but they are also not
| philosophy books. They might be great books but you might be
| looking for something completely different.
| ggpsv wrote:
| Agreed, great book. Meaning comes from within, it is in you
| to create it.
|
| Status, material possessions, wealth, family, prestige - all
| of it can be taken away from you. But not meaning.
| orborde wrote:
| Why do you still work with the useless partners?
| hownottowrite wrote:
| Because I have a whole bunch of employees who still like to
| eat and a whole bunch of customers who love what we do. If I
| stop, all that stops too.
|
| The state of my partnership might be crap, but the worst day
| I've ever had working for myself is still better than the
| best day I had working for someone else.
| hackerfromthefu wrote:
| Would it be feasible and better to start a new business and
| let the customers and employees who want to migrate across?
| jacquesm wrote:
| Not unless you like lawsuits.
| jacquesm wrote:
| Can you buy them out?
|
| That would be one way to kill the nuisance and find some
| more joy in what it looks like your self-respect forces you
| to do.
| bitxbitxbitcoin wrote:
| Alternatively, find new partners that are interested in
| funding the buyout. Post in Who is looking to collaborate
| and just mention that you are looking for deeper than
| normal pockets, maybe?
| spicyusername wrote:
| Find a hobby or a cause you care about and make it a priority.
| Learn piano, volunteer, etc. Whatever it is, you have to follow
| through and show up every day. Learn to cultivate passion rather
| than chase it.
|
| Stop moving around. Pick a place you like and make it your home.
| It's impossible to cultivate a mature social circle and a
| meaningful life if you keep remixing every few years. Feeling
| connected to where you live is powerful.
|
| Date and make new friends. This will be easier if you're showing
| up for your new passion everyday and you stopped moving around so
| often. We're social animals and having friends and family you can
| count on is critical.
|
| See a therapist. Your feelings are valid, but at some point
| you've lost context. You have what most people never will, but
| have forgotten how to appreciate it.
|
| Stop drinking and doing drugs and start exercising. A healthy
| body and mind are a prerequisite to feeling "well". This gets
| more and more true the older you get.
|
| Ditch social media. Stop listening to the news. Stop watching TV
| and movies. All these things have been shown to make people sad
| and feel the kinds of feelings you're feeling. Read more books
| and go be in the sun more.
|
| Find a job that isn't always at a desk and involves collaborating
| with other people. Find a job that involves building things you
| find meaningful, especially if you can find one that involves
| working with your hands or involves using your communication
| skills. Your job is what you spend most of your time doing, and
| if that's meaningless the rest of your life is going to feel so.
|
| None of these things are going to happen overnight, but a good
| life is built on small incremental changes happening
| consistently, one after the other. The best time to plan a tree
| was 20 years ago, the next best time is right now.
| jll29 wrote:
| You may feel lost, but what you are not is _old_. Ask yourself
| what you want to do with the other half of your life.
|
| You sound professionally successful (you've done different
| things, so you have learned, you've got savings), but perhaps
| left without a purpose. It's good that these questions come up,
| maybe your brain is alerting you to the fact that something is
| still missing in your life. I encourage you to initiate that
| search, there is a lot more out there under the sun beyond
| technology - the other commenters contain many suggestions about
| activity, however I would like to focus on people.
|
| Your description focuses on yourself (not sure if this is a
| random effect or systematic, since I don't know you); I wonder if
| you could benefit from looking around you and helping and caring
| for others. That would put you in a position to make forming your
| own family more likely, and make it more likely to remain a
| stable bond that provides fulfilment and purpose.
| lvass wrote:
| I'm in a similar position only a bit younger and richer, I've
| found restricting exposure to information helps a lot. Meditation
| is basically spending some time not worrying about anything, it's
| not particularly helpful if you do it for a bit just to browse
| social media later. What I've done is remove lightbulbs from
| living spaces, delete social media and timelock any timesink (my
| browser allows 20 minutes of HN per day), sold my TVs, use
| candlelights and focus REALLY hard on not even thinking about
| things you can't change.
| listenfaster wrote:
| This is a lovely way to frame meditation.
|
| Parking time to practice not-thinking has a cumulative effect
| in my experience, but it accumulates quickly I.e. days of
| practice. I'm not as disciplined as some, and mostly my
| diligence comes in waves where I re-establish a sitting routine
| every few months after life distracts me.
|
| Also +1 on candlelight/hurricane lamps.
| bufordtwain wrote:
| Sorry to hear this OP. Yes I have these feelings too
| occasionally. Not sure if this will work for you but one thing
| that gives me perspective when I'm feeling sorry for myself is to
| read posts on the subreddit /r/cancer. I immediately count my
| blessings and realize how courageous/kind people can be. Also it
| is a reminder that yes, life is finite so you might as well make
| the most of it.
| vf10a wrote:
| This resonates a lot with me. In my case I think the lack of a
| relationship for a few years exacerbates everything else. A lot
| of suggestions from small (go for walks) to big (do some
| travelling) just make me a little sad that I would be doing those
| things alone.
|
| I always find it particularly funny when someone says "oh, I
| totally get feeling lonely. Just the other day I was telling my
| wife that I was..."
| brbrodude wrote:
| Im in that boat too, but I also look at it as a choice Ive made
| through the years, Ive always valued being independent and
| having my own space over basically everything else... And Ive
| grown into this person, for example, Im good professionally, I
| skateboard, Im a bit of a nights and parties and bars and
| travelling person, Im heavily tattooed etc. But then with covid
| and time passing then the "oh shit this being all by myself and
| all for myself thing, I think Im over it", then its something
| that starts hitting you with bigger frequency etc.
|
| So anyway, my conclusion is that yeah Im maybe a bit deep into
| this, but the most important thing is that I now want to chose
| a different thing and Ive just got to work on realizing this
| new objetive just as I done before. This 'Im now old and
| lonely' thing is though, but the hardest part of it I think is
| just that we end up ruminating that shit and thinking our
| choices have completely defined us already and we are done. And
| when we were younger as the thought went over us wed actually
| think that was the whole fun, having that youthful outlook like
| "oh I have all this freedom and time to do what I want with my
| life, how exciting!", we still have so much freedom and time to
| choose.
|
| Honestly I think as we get into the mid thirties there's
| probably some stuff that change in our minds, how we perceive
| time, past, future, etc, and this anxieties start creeping up
| more, I guess that's part of life. Most definitely, though,
| being thrown around and being cornered by fear, by your own
| thoughts, thats not the way to live, I'm sure. To me its no
| wonder most of all antique philosophy/religion, if you look
| into it, focus exactly on that, dealing with human existential
| anxiety.
|
| This got a bit long but I decided to take my social and
| affective life into my own hands more, and Ill be getting a dog
| this year too hahah
| throwaway6734 wrote:
| Find a partner and start a family.
| emrah wrote:
| Wait till you go past 40 and they start calling you "sir" at
| Starbucks :)
|
| There are two sources of meaning in life: being self-focused and
| trying to achieve your own goals (like going to Mars) OR being
| others-focused and trying to achieve something good for them
| (like parenting kids or helping a group who can't help themselves
| like curing a disease, fostering animals, etc)
|
| The former tends to start feeling hollow after 30 although some
| people never lose that kind of drive (and nothing wrong with
| that)
|
| Living for something beyond yourself is a good way to spend a
| life and brings much joy you can't get or buy any other way.
|
| The two are very similar in the end, they differ by how you
| define the success criteria.
| uncensoredjrk wrote:
| My faith in Jesus has helped me to find my purpose and
| reinvigorate my outlook through my late thirties. My local church
| has provided me an outlet to help serve others and connect with
| many new friends. If pursuing everything that life has to offer
| hasn't made you happy, maybe it's time to look into something
| more eternal?
| dirkt wrote:
| > I am turning 35 years soon and I feel like I haven't achieved
| much, both personally and professionally.
|
| It's called "midlife crisis". Everyone goes through it.
|
| > I feel like I've seen most things before, and it's all just
| different iterations of the same.
|
| Yes. I am over 50, I have been programming since I was 10 or so,
| and I have seen even more iterations than you :-)
|
| You only get excited about these things if you see them for the
| first or second time.
|
| On the other hand, if you understand the principles that makes
| things work, instead of just knowing every single detail, that
| gives you some good guidelines to cut through the crap and do
| some slick, efficient things.
|
| > But not anymore now. I feel like my time for everything is
| running out.
|
| Nah. The fun is just starting for you.
| qgin wrote:
| There are so many answers here to the effect of "Stop right now,
| find an acceptable partner, get married, have kids, everything
| else is meaningless."
|
| From all the long-term (7+ years) couples I know well enough to
| know if they are actually happy or not, it's the minority that
| are happy. Stats don't suggest I've got an unusual sample.
|
| And I've heard time and again from parents of older children
| (when they leave home, or even they become teenagers) that much
| of the feelings of uselessness or directionlessness return.
|
| This isn't to discount any of the joy or happiness anyone here is
| experiencing. The opposite, really. I'm jealous of you. I want to
| have what you have and I'm pursuing it the best I can. But I
| pursue it knowing that marriage is just a shot at happiness, not
| a guarantee or probably even a likelihood. And I'm pursuing it
| knowing that raising children is a beautiful source of meaning,
| but it is a season.
|
| It's a worthy goal. But I'm having trouble squaring the black and
| white portrayal here with what I've seen and experienced.
| Aeolun wrote:
| Not sure what the answer is, but I feel sort of the same.
|
| Having a child and partner helps. It gives me something to hold
| on to. Though that obviously doesn't help you right now.
|
| But the excitement about a lot of other stuff is just gone. I'm
| fairly certain it comes from just having seen most things before,
| and it appears 30+ is the magic age at which you start to feel
| this.
|
| I'm settled in a career, and have no particular desire to switch
| now (partially golden handcuffs effect).
| erwincoumans wrote:
| Not sure where curiosity and motivation comes from, but as
| others mention, it helps to maintain good health and some
| social connections/friends.
|
| I hope you regain curiosity and see and wonder about things in
| new ways.
| Aeolun wrote:
| It's not that I'm not curious. I learn tons of stuff every
| day. But I recognize it for the 'knowledge' it is. Most of
| the things I learn now do not fundamentally change my
| understanding of reality. It's all within the bounds of
| expectation.
|
| Like, there's a difference between _seeing_ an airplane lift
| off for the first time and _knowing_ why it can.
| nvarsj wrote:
| It sounds to me a lot like you've prioritized your professional
| life over everything else - no wonder you're feeling empty. You
| need to focus on you, make social connections, join social
| groups, get out there and make your life more than work. Once you
| have some fulfilling relationships none of this other stuff will
| seem important to you.
|
| Given you have 500k, you could also easily take off a year and
| just do awesome things and meet people. 35 isn't old either. Not
| even remotely. You must be living a fairly insular life to think
| so.
| unobatbayar wrote:
| I totally felt the same. But, picking up some math books and
| start learning again gave me something to look forward to.
| domatic1 wrote:
| 35 with 500k and you feel lost, I'm 47 single with 15k and I feel
| ok. This post blows my mind, it's not about money it's about
| mindset. You can do pretty much anything you want. Find a new
| hobby, Buy a boat learn to sail, climb mountains, do car racing.
| I don't know, you have everything, and at 35 you're still young.
| I wish I had 35 with 500k in savings.
| FarhadG wrote:
| I highly recommend reading, "Nonviolent Communication." Don't let
| the title throw you off.
|
| I sense the things you're doing (and wanting to do) are not
| aligned with any important needs. This lack of alignment (or
| awareness) can create confusion--and it's very common.
|
| These are phases where we get the opportunity to go within and
| uncover parts of yourself worth exploring. This book can help you
| be more compassionate with yourself (and others) and help to see
| your needs.
| Rounin wrote:
| The $500k in savings means that you actually have the option to
| step off the corporate treadmill and consider what else you want
| to do with your life if you so desire. Even if it won't be enough
| in San Francisco, it might be enough to live off of in Mexico or
| in some less central city or state. You could also invest the
| money, though with market valuations and economic outlooks being
| what they are, this is admittedly an exceptionally scary time to
| be investing. Even so, this might be something to consider
| further down the line.
|
| Economics aside, it seems like part of the problem is that many
| people your age already have families, and you're now unsure how
| to make friends who are your age. One thing you could do is seek
| out people in a similar situation to go to the festivals with, or
| to go to bars with, or on trips. And if you should happen to meet
| a bunch of 20-somethings who want to get to know a 35-year-old,
| then why not?
|
| Either way, you should probably ditch the idea that opportunities
| are somehow unavailable to you, and instead focus on how you're
| ready to move on to a new stage of your life. Whether that stage
| will involve career changes or travelling or moving or anything
| else will have to be your decision, but it sounds from what
| you're saying like it may involve building new friendships.
| insickness wrote:
| > feeling less excited about everything
|
| This may be a symptom of depression. It's called anhedonia, where
| people feel reduced motivation or an inability to feel pleasure.
| Many people feel depressed without feeling the typical symptoms
| of depression, like sadness.
| trendingwaifu wrote:
| Thanks, I've thought about this. I don't think I have
| depression, at least not severe, but I definitely am less able
| to enjoy pleasure as I was many years ago. Even the definition
| of pleasure, sex, has kind of lost its flavor as I became
| older.
| interblag wrote:
| Aside from a lot of the other good advice on this thread I just
| wanted to remind the OP and anyone else feeling similarly right
| now to not forget about the covid situation. The last two years
| have not been normal. Social rhythms, relationships, work ... a
| lot of things have been disrupted. A degree of malaise is an
| incredibly common response.
|
| Nothing in my post indicates what to do if this is your
| situation. But I think am accurate problem statement is a
| starting place to most good solutions in life, and the pandemic
| has become so much a part of like that it's easy to forget just
| how disruptive it has been to the normal trajectory of many of
| our lives.
| jbkiv wrote:
| I am way way older than you are. I went through episodes like
| that multiple times. There was always a trigger, work related or
| personal.
|
| This is depression. Seek medical help. Find a good therapist to
| talk you. Get 10-15 sessions. Find the root of the problems. But
| the most important thing to do is talk. Don't go to social media,
| HN, or whatever. Bars, concerts are to be avoided. When you are
| there you'll get the feeling that you don't belong.
|
| Medication can also help on a temporary basis until you find that
| you can get back feelings you had in your 20's.
|
| The worst thing you can do is nothing. It will not go away. If it
| does, it will come back.
|
| I guarantee that after you seek medical help and handle that with
| a therapist you will gradually feel more excited about life,
| there are so many wonderful things to do, experience and good
| people to meet.
|
| Good luck.
| WaxedChewbacca wrote:
| bjornsing wrote:
| I had a very similar experience around 37. My latest startup had
| crashed, and I sort of woke up to the realisation that (for the
| first time) not all paths were open to me anymore.
|
| To some extent I think this is just part of the natural cycle of
| life: the mid life crisis if you will. Looking back I think some
| of the feelings of regret and rumination on the "road not taken"
| was more or less symptoms of depression / acute crisis. That part
| will pass. Exercise helps.
|
| For me it was also a lot about questioning the value system I had
| been born into and finding my own. And I don't mean just the high
| and mighty (political) values that we talk a lot about, but the
| really low level stuff we're often unaware of. If I had $500k in
| the bank and was in this situation I'd definitely try to find a
| good therapist (the freudian type - not KBT), and talk about your
| attitude to work, self-esteem, relationships and values.
|
| For me this was a period of pretty dramatic and profound change.
| I have a feeling you could have it easier. If so I'd also
| consider putting some effort into finding a partner, and perhaps
| having children. But health comes first!
| mrkentutbabi wrote:
| Never thought I'd think people would consider themselves a
| failure despite having $500k savings lol.
| jacquesm wrote:
| A reminder:
|
| https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30179483
| mrkentutbabi wrote:
| In what way this is a flamebait?
|
| I really don't understand.
|
| Edit: ok I get it, my comments aren't substantive enough.
|
| I won't post anymore.
| dontcare007 wrote:
| Mid 50s here. It's not what you've done, it's what you've done
| with it. Keep your chin up and remember you're in it for the long
| haul.
| [deleted]
| Madmallard wrote:
| I'm 31 now and used to be quite fit but developed disability
| after a hospitally acquired infection and antibiotics and now
| have chronic severe food intolerances. I don't know how I am
| going to cope as I get even older. It doesn't seem like I can get
| very fit. There is a mild developing heart condition as well now.
| What do I even do?
| joshbaptiste wrote:
| hmm.. Indeed as homo sapiens, we no longer have to forage on the
| Savannah and are far safer than our ancestors within in our
| nations, states, cities with our PS5s, 401Ks, I sometimes do
| wonder.. WTF is the point of my existence
| jasfi wrote:
| How did your startups fail?
| logical_ferry wrote:
| I went through it. You need to find yourself a partner. Soon
| you'll start having fatherly feelings. And then you'll have kids.
| And then it's a whole new ballgame.
|
| It happened to me in early thirties. I mean, how much beer can a
| person drink and how much bars can a person visit before it gets
| old? One day I just started thinking to myself how I would like
| to have another human being around and take care of it. Pass some
| of my knowlegde and experience to it. Luckily I had a wonderful
| wife and we went for it. Two kids later I have never been so
| exhausted and happy.
|
| That's my experience, maybe you take something from it. Whatever
| you decide, good luck!
| Viliam1234 wrote:
| It's all relative. 35 is older than many people, but also younger
| than many people.
|
| You have way more money than most people. If you move to a place
| that is not expensive, and if you invest the money well, you may
| never need to work again. That means, you get extra 8 hours a day
| (more if you include the commute). That means, if you compare
| yourself with an average 20 years old, both of you will have the
| same amount of free time between now and the moment each of you
| becomes 50.
|
| For most people, the greatest professional achievement will be to
| pay their bills. Congratulations, you have already completed this
| game!
|
| So now I would suggest focusing full-time on your personal and
| social life. Find a hobby that is neither about making money nor
| about consuming things (that includes travelling). With that
| hobby, you may find a community. With the community, you may find
| relationships. (Much better way of meeting people than
| "festivals, bars and clubs". Bars are for drunks; drunks are
| sad.)
|
| People in their 20s have the advantage that the school provides a
| social environment for them. Past that age, you need to actively
| seek the company of people; it will not happen on its own. There
| are probably many activities happening all around you; you just
| don't pay attention to them. If you see something happening in
| your neighborhood, go there. You may find recommendations on
| Facebook. Try to visit some social activity at least three times
| a week. Especially things that you never tried before. Find a
| list of local non-profit organizations, call them and ask if you
| can help them in any way; that way you can enter lots of new
| bubbles.
|
| > I feel like I've seen most things before, and it's all just
| different iterations of the same.
|
| There is a possibility that although you have experienced many
| countries and jobs, you were doing similar things everywhere.
| Specifically, making money and partying; because I don't see much
| else mentioned in your text. What is conspicuously missing there:
| hobbies (other than technology), values, spirituality, prosocial
| behavior, art... You might want to try experimenting a bit with
| these and see what happens.
|
| > I feel like my time for everything is running out.
|
| This was always the case, you just noticed it now. Hopefully, you
| still have lots of time left.
| whalesalad wrote:
| https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man's_Search_for_Meaning
| enjoywhatyoucan wrote:
| 39. Exactly the same, except 4 years older, half the savings and
| just 1.5 startups.
|
| I'm looking to see if hobbies can help me meet people, hopefully
| friends or even a partner. COVID isn't helping.
|
| I try to ignore friends and acquaintances that tell me how boring
| my life is, ask me why I don't have a partner, why I don't have
| kids, why do I spend so much time alone, why don't I party
| more... Frankly, they are not helping. Still keep them as friends
| though.
|
| Dating feels like work most of the time, so I'm doing it less and
| less. It used to stress me, now I tell myself a partner is not a
| requirement for a happy life and date when I feel like it.
|
| I am still living abroad, will probably move back in a couple of
| years. I am putting some unreasonable expectations on the move,
| hoping it will make things better when I know it won't. At least
| the weather will be better.
|
| As time piles your age, irreversibility gains terrain in the land
| of possibility. You can fight to do all the possible or, like me,
| watch yourself lose with a bitter glass of wine at your lips. It
| tastes better after a while.
|
| I don't think I'm sad, just profoundly bored.
| Grustaf wrote:
| The thing to keep in mind is that you will always feel too old
| for something. When you're 18 you're too old to play, when you're
| 25 you're too old to party like a teenager, etc. But there's
| always something fun you can do at your age, and 35 is young. You
| can definitely go to festivals, you can travel, live in hostels,
| go surfing, snowboarding whatever.
|
| But it's understandable that you're less excited about things, at
| 35 you're sort of programmed to have a young family. As you age
| that gets increasingly important. I still love extreme sports,
| travelling etc but compared to my kids it's just laughably
| pointless.
|
| So use your financial freedom and take a year to get in great
| shape mentally and physically, train, travel, read and socialise.
| At the end of that you'll have no trouble getting hitched, and to
| be honest that's what matters, no matter what "voluntary" singles
| will tell you.
|
| I know I will be downvoted for this but it's just the truth. I
| sacrifice my score in order to help you...
|
| Feel free to email me btw if you want to talk about it, I've gone
| through very similar periods and know what it's like.
| amznbyebyebye wrote:
| Wow I'm the same age and could have written a similar post. The
| good news for you is you still can experience a relationship,
| have kids and get to do all of that. Find a hobby or interest
| that you're passionate about (this has to come from your soul)
| and then just apply your passion towards that, try and be good at
| it so you stand out and then besides being fulfilling, if you're
| any decent at it, it will help you find a mate. And then you can
| get married, have kids, and in five years come back and write
| another post about how you're as lost as you were at 35 except
| holding your son or daughters hand and going out for ice cream
| every now and then makes things a little more pleasant.
| rzzzt wrote:
| Model frigate building, here I go!
| quotz wrote:
| You would think its an existential, psychological issue that
| you're getting old and feeling lost, but it seems to me that
| you're just entering Male Menopause / Andropause. Go to a Male
| Health Clinic, or a doctor who specializes with Testosterone
| Replacement Therapy, and check your Testosterone levels, not just
| Total but Free T too, plus SHBG, plus Prolactin and Estrogen.
| Trust me.
| ratsimihah wrote:
| You could try yoga. Take some classes, do it everyday. It makes
| the body fit and the mind healthy. It also teaches acceptance and
| non -attachment (to achievements, etc), living in the moment and
| just breathing.
|
| When you feel good about life and yourself, you can attract
| people and turn your life positively more easily.
|
| It's all a bit abstract and different from the rationality we're
| used to in tech, but maybe worth a try?
| trendingwaifu wrote:
| Thanks for the suggestion. I actually do a kind of yoga (though
| more focused on long poses and stretching) and it indeed does
| help. So does working out. I do feel calm and content while
| doing it, but that feeling does not last very long beyond the
| practice. Once I get back in front of the screen, it's back to
| the usual self.
| amcoastal wrote:
| Maybe you found the key. Don't sit back down in front of the
| screen unless you have to. Fill your day with enriching
| activities, instead of filling your day with screen and
| breaking it up with the occasional enriching activity.
| ivan_gammel wrote:
| One more suggestion: try cooking classes, HelloFresh or just
| YouTube lessons. Preparing and serving a good meal three
| times a day helps a lot to distract from what's behind the
| screen and also offers enjoyable experience, that you can
| eventually share with someone.
| laboo wrote:
| Always keep a diamond in your mind. Always keep a diamond in your
| mind. Wherever you may wander, wherever you roam, You got to
| always keep a diamond in your mind.
|
| -- Tom Waits
| codeivore wrote:
| you're not wrong that time is running out, i'm 35 too
|
| It's your choice to think about your age, personally I just do
| whatever I want
|
| 35 is not too old to go to bars, there are tons of bars and clubs
| that specifically cater to people in their 30s
|
| but really in my opinion you are good to go out as long as your
| health permits you to
| xkbarkar wrote:
| I am 46 and I feel the same. I fill in all the advice tick boxes.
| Excellent physical health. I work out frequently and have no
| ailments other than slightly autistic personality.
|
| Great job and well compensated for it. Great economy, own my own
| place.
|
| Have adult child that has moved out and is doing well. On paper,
| I am doing extremely well.
|
| Inside, I wake up every morning really sorry I am still alive.
|
| This pointless lonely hellhole existence is statistically going
| to go on for another 30 maybe 40 years until finally it ends.
|
| Another horrible tinder date and I might just off myself.
|
| I am female btw.
| Trasmatta wrote:
| This post is a good counter example to all the people in this
| thread saying "just have kids, that'll solve your problems".
| It's such an unbelievably narrow view that ignores the
| complexity of human existence.
| Xenoamorphous wrote:
| Have you tried professional help?
| feanaro wrote:
| It's possible to be happy and content. If you're serious, it's
| not right. Please consider asking for help.
| the_biot wrote:
| Is Tinder the right place for somebody in your frame of mind?
| It's plainly a meat market, not a great place for somebody
| who's looking for more than something really short and shallow.
|
| Not that I have an alternative, just... really negative on
| Tinder.
| xkbarkar wrote:
| Not that I dont appreciate the nice comments. I have tried
| therapy. Several times. When they turned virtual the little
| humane contact they provided evaporated and I stopped paying
| for that crap. And dont get me started on trying to talk to a
| therapist that wears a face mask the entire time.
|
| I am not actively trying to end my life. Just trying to correct
| the naive suggestions that going to a gym or having a child
| will make you happy or fullfilled.
|
| Loneliness sites bone deep. The older you get, the harder
| making meaningful human connections get. And add the past the
| past 2 years of "keeping us safe and healthy" what used to be
| my natural coping mechanisms were outright banned.
|
| I tread on. Trust me, from the outside you would not think I
| was this lonely. I have all the things and the hobbies and the
| travels. Even athletic enough to sport visible abs, which is
| not all common at 46 in these parts of the hemisphere.
|
| If I am lucky maybe Ill get shot in a failed robbery or
| something.
|
| I certainly do not have the courage to physically harm myself.
|
| I appreciate the concern though.
| DenisM wrote:
| Loneliness has several parts - spiritual, sexual, belonging,
| tactile, conversational, etc. Some take a lot of work to
| address, but others might have a straightforward fix:
|
| 1. Dancing classes might solve the tactile aspect. Dancing
| requires a lot of face time during the class, and even more
| practice time between classes to really get the most out of
| it. If you're physically fit you might enjoy lindy-hop, for
| example: https://youtu.be/e62p_K4-Cvc?t=24
|
| 2. Likewise contact sports, e.g. martial arts. For example
| judo and greco-roman wrestling both are tactile.
| https://youtu.be/PVJoN9MCw_E?t=28
|
| 3. Groups sports might help with belonging, esp outdoor
| sports where masks are not an issue. Beach volleyball, for
| example. Not the professional type, but the casual one where
| people drink beer after a game.
| https://youtu.be/Kx7GlMXVZAM?t=163
|
| 4. Conversations are hard to enjoy with a mask, so maybe move
| to a red state. If your situation is dire, it might require
| dire measures. I heard North Carolina is great like this - a
| friend recently moved there for this reason (among many). [no
| video :)]
|
| Do you feel like any of this is helping? Often times I get a
| seemingly great advice which I can't follow, so how is this
| for you?
| vaidhy wrote:
| If you want a friend to talk to, ping me. Please do get the
| professional help others have suggested.
| hshxndj wrote:
| I am not your age, so perhaps don't have your perapective but
| if money isn't a big worry, do you plan to make any changes? A
| friend of mine at about your age took a break from his job and
| enrolled to the community college for courses to be a mechanic.
| He doesn't want to be one professionally but just wanted to
| learn. When I went through my divorce in my early 30s, I wanted
| to be social and did lot of meetups with people my age then,
| just trying to create more chances to meet new people, was
| surprised to see many people that were in a similar place in
| life and wanted similar things as me.
|
| On the longer timeline, do retirement, grand kids, spending
| your saved up money on things you find interesting then excite
| you?
| throwdante wrote:
| pibechorro wrote:
| 35 isnt old homie.
| hereforphone wrote:
| If you think you're old at 35 you may have other issues going on.
| I'm in my 40s. Eat right, exercise, study, and with just a little
| gene luck you'll be young for decades to come.
| dkarl wrote:
| You're still a decade or more away from your career peak, and
| your physical potential is not far past its peak and declining
| pretty slowly for now. Feeling "old" at your age is more a matter
| of experience than biological fact. There are a lot of things
| that just aren't as exciting now because they relied heavily on
| novelty or just on the wonder that you could do them at all.
|
| It's true that you've changed in a way that ruins some of the fun
| you used to have. None of it is new to you. You can't get hyped
| up for it the same way, because the sense of infinite possibility
| isn't there any more. Being able to do exactly what you want is
| no longer new and thrilling, either. And you're no longer as
| thrilled by inclusion and universality, reveling in those generic
| activities that "everybody" likes. You might not realize it yet,
| but you've started to choose experiences for your own sake rather
| than because everybody else does them.
|
| You're hung up on this being a bad thing, but it's not really
| bad. I remember how excited I was as a college freshman to hike
| through the snow for twenty minutes to go to a house party, get
| wasted on beer that tasted terrible to me, and try to talk to
| girls that I had nothing in common with. I felt like the world
| was opening up to me. A year or two later, I still did it, but it
| wasn't an ecstatic experience anymore, because by then I knew
| that there was beer that actually tasted good and that the girls
| I really wanted to talk to were not at those parties. I could no
| longer feel that sense of infinite possibility. Today, I still
| understand why I was excited then, but I wouldn't be excited to
| do it now, even if I could magically pilot my younger body for a
| while, like Tom Hanks in Big. I remember it as a high point in my
| life, but what made it a high point was how excited and
| optimistic I felt, which only made sense in the context of my
| inexperience and my wonder at flexing a developing sense of
| autonomy.
|
| Think of inexperience and the transition into adulthood as
| ingredients that made those young adult experiences delicious but
| which are no longer available to cook with. Doing the same things
| you used to enjoy in your twenties, without the inexperience and
| the excitement of discovering your adult autonomy, is like eating
| french fries without salt, or salad without dressing, a joyless
| chore. Don't try to force it.
|
| Would you order curry at a restaurant that only had tomatoes,
| basil, oregano, and olive oil in the kitchen? If you went to a
| bakery for chocolate-chip cookies, and they said sorry, we're all
| out of chocolate and sugar, would you insist on them baking a
| batch for you with what they had? Don't get hung up on the stuff
| you used to enjoy.
|
| You have new ingredients to work with, ingredients that are
| particular to you and your experience. They aren't so universal
| that "everybody" your age will enjoy the same things, but not so
| unique that you'll be alone. You need to start to figure out the
| flavor profile for this time in your life. If you don't know
| where to start, start anywhere. Look around, try whatever looks
| good, and if nothing looks good yet, try things at random while
| you're looking. It won't all taste good. That's life.
| bborud wrote:
| Turning 30 was a lot harder than turning 40 or 50. While what I
| experienced wasn't how I understand a typical midlife crisis
| manifests, but I usually refer to it as my early onset midlife
| crisis.
|
| Both turning 40 and turning 50 was much easier. In fact, turning
| 50 hardly registered beyond "whoa, was that my 40s done with
| already? Okay".
|
| I got out of my 30 year crisis by starting to challenge myself in
| other fields. I've always been eager to learn, but around 30 I
| realized that I should make an effort to understand things that
| are outside my chosen field and try to do them well. And I
| sometimes did. The failures I didn't obsess over. Let it go, move
| on. And it became somewhat addictive. I try new things every
| year. Some things stick, others are just interesting experiences.
|
| I also noticed the importance of changing fields regularly. On
| average I tend to stay in a field for 5-6 years before going off
| to do something I usually don't know much about when I start. In
| fact, approaching a new field is in itself a skill that has great
| value.
|
| I've had roles from developer in a startup to VP in a large
| company. Having experience from many fields, and from very
| different roles builds a kind of general, broad expertise that is
| very useful. It can also make you comfortable with situations
| that most people would find extremely challenging.
|
| You have to build some form of psychological resilience. Learn to
| accept the things you can't do anything about, and focus on what
| you CAN do and what you have to do. Complain if you must, but
| make sure that it isn't your inner focus. Don't let feelings of
| hopelessness take root. You have the capacity for doing a lot
| more than you think, but hopelessness and self-pity can block
| your view of that.
|
| Along the way I had kidney failure, 2 years of dialysis and
| eventually a kidney transplant in my early to mid 40s. This is
| where the psychological resilience I had developed since my 30s
| paid off. Sure, I was physically in such bad shape and one point
| I couldn't walk half a mile to the store without having to sit
| down and rest for 15 minutes twice along the way. I slept 14
| hours per day and I nearly died a couple of times.
|
| Years later, most of my memories from that period are about the
| things I did. Not my medical hardships. And I did accomplish a
| lot in those years.
|
| (Observation: a lot of people who were just acquaintances stopped
| by and spent time with me when it looked like there was a good
| chance I was going to die. This taught me something important:
| you may not fully understand to whom you are important and how
| many people appreciate you. You have the chance to show them
| appreciation. No kidney failure needed :-)).
|
| As for the social aspects, having been with my wife for 27 years
| now I know nothing about dating. Not that I ever did. Sorry.
| Can't help you there.
|
| I'm dubious about the advice to get kids. It feels a bit immoral
| and self-serving to tell someone to create a life just to solve
| some problem you are having. I think one should treat human life
| with a bit more respect than that. It's not a pet and you should
| have kids for the right reasons.
|
| If you try out new things (work, hobbies, interests) those are
| generally how you meet new people when you are an adult.
| dex69420 wrote:
| You need a Miata
| ipnon wrote:
| I have learned the hard way it is only appropriate to describe
| yourself as old in the company of exclusively younger people.
| mouzogu wrote:
| I think this is just the ennui that's part of life. Even married,
| social people feel the same at some point.
|
| Just consider yourself blessed to have a half a million on the
| side and think about all the potential problems and health issues
| you DONT have. A bit of stoic thinking maybe.
| smdz wrote:
| You might be experiencing a mid-life crisis (assuming you are not
| undergoing depression). Fortunately, I found what I was
| experiencing by just openly talking about my feelings to my
| friends (and not spouse/girlfriend).
|
| For me something snapped one day after age 35. I was relatively
| successful, married and I suddenly lost interest in my work or
| any kind of work. Even retired for 6-9 months, only to come out
| extremely bored - pledging that I would never ever take a
| retirement. It took me 3 more years to understand what was
| happening - I felt that at 38 too, and ideally it was still too
| early to experience a mid life crisis.
|
| Some tips based on my experience:
|
| 1. Take very good care of your health. Regularly exercise
| (including at least some resistance training) and mostly healthy
| food. Measure health parameters. 2. Rule out any medical illness
| and/or deficiencies. Get a full body checkup done (including a
| detailed blood/urine tests). Do not cut corners here, but if not
| recommended, you could skip tests involving radiation. 3. For a
| month or two - take less stress (don't overperform or even try to
| overperform) and find periods of emptiness. After some time fill
| in those times with some activity that you love to do - doesn't
| matter how illogical it sounds. Let your intuition guide you.
| Make notes weekly. 4. On the work side, try to get into a
| management role. My situation was a little different, I was not
| an employee.
|
| I do not know whether I am out of the woods(at early 40s), or
| just got used to the new reality. But I do feel quite better and
| may have made significant progress - only time will tell.
| itronitron wrote:
| >> I feel like I haven't achieved much
|
| What type of achievement would be meaningful to you, in the sense
| that you could stop, if you wanted, after the achievement and
| move on to something else?
| notapenny wrote:
| You have time. You're 35. Realistically that means you've
| probably worked about 10 years and still have about 30 to go.
| Relax. You've got some money saved; I was in a similar situation
| a few years ago and took a sabbatical year. Maybe that works for
| you. Just do nothing for a bit but enjoy the outside world,
| disconnect, read philosophy. That really gave me a lot of peace
| and led to a career change and a lot of understanding about what
| I find important in life.
| MrBuddyCasino wrote:
| > I am single and haven't had a serious relationship for many
| years now.
|
| Get married, start a family. Stop trying to find meaning in tech
| or alcohol or money. Good luck.
| pseingatl wrote:
| Get married? I dunno bout that. Kiss half your wealth goodbye.
| Children? You can be jailed for not paying child support on
| imputed income. That's imaginary money you don't have.
| senectus1 wrote:
| > Get married? I dunno bout that. Kiss half your wealth
| goodbye.
|
| jeez man,you sound like an incel.
|
| getting married is about having a life partner to share the
| best and worse of life together with. money is just something
| that happens.
|
| Children dont have to happen but if they do, you'd have to
| understand that children change your perspective on what is
| important in life.
| eertami wrote:
| I don't agree with the person you're replying to, but I
| think it's fair to point out that you don't need to get
| married to have a life partner. With marriage rates
| declining, younger generations are not seeing it as a
| necessary step in a relationship.
| prea wrote:
| We're not so different in age, and I'd be lying if I said I never
| feel the way you describe. However, these are some things that
| helped me, in increasing order of importance:
|
| - Health. Covered already, but I'd add that you don't need to be
| in marathon shape. Just hit the basics: sleep, exercise (walking
| is enough!), diet. It's easy to feel things are ok in any of
| these dimensions but actually be out of whack.
|
| - Do things with your hands. Humans develop insofar was they
| learn to manipulate the physical environment around them. This is
| one of the tenets of the Montessori pedagogy, but I found that it
| doesn't just apply to kids! I feel _great_ when I install a
| toilet, paint my living room, fix the car. There's just something
| about physically doing stuff with your hands.
|
| - This one is hard to describe...I took inventory of my
| 'philosophical operating system' and realized that I was
| organizing my life around something without legs. In my 20's I
| was heavily influenced by stuff like '4-hour-workweek' (lol), the
| gary-vees, the pg essays, etc. It's not jut practical
| advice...it's a philosophical system and worldview. When I looked
| under the hood, it was all spaghetti code. It couldn't stand up
| to more cogent and complete philosophies, which I found literally
| down the street.
| ChrisMarshallNY wrote:
| 35? Old?
|
| I'm 59. I guess that makes me a fossil (geekasaur?).
|
| I really didn't start feeling my technical oats, until I hit 45,
| or so. I've been an above-average geek, since I was about 21, but
| I lacked the experience, and the basic habits, that have made me
| into a _much_ better developer. I started a system (backend
| tech), at 47, that has become the _de facto_ world standard for a
| particular demographic, and is now being supported and extended
| by a highly-skilled and energetic team of younger developers.
| They probably could not have done the work to get the platform in
| place, but they have taken my work, and are running with it. They
| are taking it places that I couldn 't go, on my own.
|
| I worked on that system for a decade. Most of that time, it was
| in production, and I was applying course corrections to it,
| documenting it, evangelizing it, training people, and being
| abused.
|
| _sniff_ ... They grow up so fast ...
|
| These days, I'm writing Apple apps (mostly iOS), and _loving_ it.
| I really enjoy all the learning I 'm doing, and finding out that
| I don't know squat.
|
| I don't bother trying to surf the Jargon Wave. There's some cool
| stuff, coming out, but I've learned (the hard way) to give it a
| couple of years (at least) to shake off the fleas. It's very
| difficult to ship stuff, at the Quality level I prefer, using
| brand-new tools.
|
| What really gets me excited, is _shipping_ software. That 's
| giving it a pat on the butt, and pushing it out into the world.
|
| That involves a _lot_ of "boring" work. On the project that I'm
| currently shepherding, We're in the final stages. The release is
| probably still a couple of months away (at least), but we can see
| the exit sign, from here. It's been a couple of years.
|
| The work, from here on out, is pretty bland. Lots of work,
| setting up glossaries, production servers, localizations,
| accessibility tests, color themes, brand consistency, etc.
|
| And, of course, _lots_ of testing; with the very real possibility
| of having to put the car up on blocks, and break out the monkey
| wrench.
|
| It's been my experience that my younger self was less-than-
| enthused by this part of the project, but I was fortunate to have
| older peers and bosses, that forced me to walk through this
| stuff.
|
| It feels _great_ to ship. As I 've gotten older, I've come to
| enjoy this, a lot more.
|
| I wish you luck. I know that one thing that helped me, was to
| find nonprofits and volunteer Service orgs, and lend my skills to
| them.
| bufferoverflow wrote:
| Help people who are doing far worse than you.
|
| This is one potential way to improve your depression.
|
| Make sure you exercise a lot and take your vitamins.
|
| Pick up a hobby that will force you to meet lots of people. When
| I did photography, I met so many interesting people, including my
| future wife.
| rcgorton wrote:
| rob_c wrote:
| Not thinking about waifus and watching children's cartoons for a
| start.
|
| I'd suggest taking up a hobby or at the very least a DIY project
| that involves outdoors and try to meet people.
|
| Taking about money either serves to distance or brag (going on
| social norms from across the pond at least) so I'd say it's
| better to say you consider yourself your comfortable to well off
| unless you enjoy people trying to get a piece of it or others
| thinking your some sort of show off...
|
| </2pence>
| demadog wrote:
| Reminds me of https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-
| shouts/i-thought-i-wou...
|
| My artistic motto is "Always write five hundred words before
| noon." My life motto is "Write one best-seller before age thirty-
| five." Today I've written one word, a text message to Sanjay that
| just says, "Hey!"--but I didn't finish it, just like I didn't
| finish my Ph.D. in political science or my engagement to Jennifer
| in my late twenties.
| asow92 wrote:
| Maybe you should start working to live instead of living to work.
| Start a family or reconnect with your existing family.
| bjt2n3904 wrote:
| Man, this is the WORST place to ask for advice. A quick scan of
| the suggestions:
|
| * Have you tried medicating these feelings away?
|
| * Have you tried drugs?
|
| * Get on a plane! Travel and "find yourself!"
|
| * You have money, why aren't you happy?
|
| * How about you do everything again that brought you to this
| place... But in a different career field?
|
| About the only real suggestion here is to exercise, find a hobby,
| or start a family -- but even those posters have an absurdist
| take that it is a meaningless pursuit. The Mr. Peanutbutter take:
| "Life is about occupying yourself with pleasant nonsense until
| you die."
|
| What an indictment of this culture. Their solution is either to
| therapy this feeling out of existence, distract yourself from it,
| or ignore it. (Or alternatively, utterly fail to comprehend why
| you could possibly feel this way when you have money.)
|
| I'm of the opinion that these feelings must be confronted
| directly. When I was in a similar position, I read the book of
| Ecclesiastes. I'd start there.
| kgin wrote:
| Can you say a bit more about what happened when you confronted
| these feelings?
| bjt2n3904 wrote:
| Absolutely!
|
| Primarily I was disillusioned with my college education, but
| that feeling spread to encompass many areas of my life.
| Everything seemed arbitrary and pointless -- and reading the
| first few chapters it really was comforting to hear someone
| else from a completely different time saying the same things.
| It was like -- I'm not alone here. Many people seemed to feel
| this way with Bojack Horseman as well... Though I find
| Ecclesiastes much more satisfying at the end.
|
| In fact, knowingly or not, many people are echoing the same
| sentiments here: everything is the same, nothing is new,
| history repeats itself -- things are bent, and there's no
| straightening it.
|
| But where the rubber meets the road is this: all the
| suggestions people told me didn't seem to be of any help.
| "Just do a hobby, exercise, or travel!" is a hollow
| suggestion when you think everything is meaningless, "a
| chasing after the wind."
|
| The author talks about the futility of work, wisdom,
| pleasure, relationships, even gardening! But then he even
| talks about miscarriage of justice, and government
| corruption. "Why do bad things happen to good people?" It's
| like he's tugging on this weed on human existence, and the
| more he pulls, the deeper the roots of the problem go.
|
| I'll leave with just two verses that stick out to me:
|
| Better to spend your time at funerals than at parties. After
| all, everyone dies-- so the living should take this to heart.
| Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining
| influence on us. A wise person thinks a lot about death,
| while a fool thinks only about having a good time.
| Ecclesiastes 7:2-4 NLT
|
| Especially as a young man, that impacted me. Much of life
| seems to be an effort to avoid suffering -- to the extent
| that suicide is seen as a viable option. But I look at Joni
| Eareckson Tada, and the impact her life has had on so many
| people, in spite of her terrible suffering.
|
| But the jewel on top is the final chapter. It's a direct
| rebuttal to nihilism and absurdism. There is a meaning and
| purpose in life to be found in your creator. This feeling of
| meaninglessness was hole that only Jesus could fill. Once he
| was there, I found the meaningless imbued with meaning and
| purpose.
|
| This is my Twitter handle as well, feel free to reach out if
| you'd like to chat!
| amznbyebyebye wrote:
| Absolutely this is a great comment. And good marketing for
| Ecclesiastes, now I want to read it. Definitely go at these
| feelings head on, meditate on them.
| dmarchand90 wrote:
| I'm not sure what your background with therapy is, but, it's
| certainly _not_ an opiate. In fact a _good_ therapist will help
| out and encourage one to confront one 's problems directly.
| bjt2n3904 wrote:
| Oh, absolutely! A _GOOD_ therapist will encourage you to
| confront your problems.
|
| The problem is finding a good one. My experience is that the
| vast majority are on the wrong side of the couch, or assist
| you in suppressing the problem instead of confronting it.
| ramoz wrote:
| I'm 30, in sort of a similar position.
|
| How terrible of an idea is grad school? Honestly any... but
| recommendations would be cool. MBA, law, cs,
| psychology/sociology...
| ramigb wrote:
| We have a lot in common me and you! I am 37 now! the difference
| is I have married few years ago and a year and a half ago I had a
| daughter. The last part changed my life completely made me see
| life in a different way and appreciate life differently. It's
| totally fine sometimes to feel this feeling you just felt, I
| personally think it is a calling to do something different! you
| have a good amount of saving which I personally don't have! maybe
| try something totally different than your old jobs? open your own
| small bakery? does not have to be super profitable just something
| that can get you going? the small things in life are overlooked
| most of the time but interacting with others, seeing them, being
| part of their daily lives is super awesome! my advice to you is
| to explore different things with a new mindset. You are not old
| man! in my own personal opinion no one who is highly functional
| on the cognitive level is old! plus once you are REALLY that old
| then it's new experience all over again :) Best of luck to you.
| mb25 wrote:
| Maybe try journaling to help put things in perspective. You have
| to find what works for you. Good luck!
| supperburg wrote:
| luxurytent wrote:
| What I'm reading from this with no other context:
|
| Bored and or depressed because of few to no socially engaging
| connections in life.
|
| Probably amplified by being stuck inside due to the pandemic.
|
| Did some cool stuff in their 20s but realizing they've done
| "nothing" for the past five.
|
| Sounds like it's time to get on a plane and enjoy an adventure.
| Meet some fun people, have fun, and enjoy the life you've built.
|
| Then when you land home try to transfer some of that energy
| towards expanding your social circle, maybe go dating, etc.
| dex69420 wrote:
| josefrichter wrote:
| It sounds like early version of typical midlife crisis.
|
| Many of us have been there, done that. It almost doesn't matter
| how "successful" you are. (after all, look at Bezos, he seems to
| be hit really hard with it).
|
| 35 is nothing. I remember "feeling old" when I turned 17. Then
| feeling old when I turned 25, wishing I were 17. Then again every
| couple of years. From some point I now keep telling myself "you
| are 5 years younger than you will be in 5 years, and 10 years
| younger than you will be in 10 years" :D
|
| https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midlife_crisis
| WJW wrote:
| Have you asked your parents yet? They have a lot more experience
| being old than you.
| forinti wrote:
| I'd try talking to old people other than your parents. By now
| he should know what to expect from them and he should also have
| found out how he differs from them.
| WJW wrote:
| It's not either/or of course, you can do both. But I'll add
| that even at 35 you probably don't have a full understanding
| of your parents, even if you think you do. These are real
| people with ~35 more years of life experience than OP. Don't
| underestimate them.
| helij wrote:
| Go spend some of that 500k on yourself. Go traveling for a year.
| Visit as many places as you can.
| lottin wrote:
| Have you tried strength training? It gives you something that you
| can progressively get better at over a long period of time
| (decades). It also gives you mental preparedness for what will
| inevitably come, that is, getting old and dying. I find that it
| helps a lot emotionally.
| thallukrish wrote:
| oh you are spot on with your feelings. And you can do nothing
| about it. You will figure out however something that will work
| for you and move on with life. I could've told this and that. But
| I just want to be honest.
| owly wrote:
| LOL. Getting old is 35.
|
| ONLY $500K in savings at 35. Such a sad story. So sorry for you,
| as most people are lucky to have saved $50K at 35 or even 55!
| Money has no meaning if you are feeling lost with $500K.
|
| Seriously though, my advice would be stop comparing yourself to
| others. Older or younger, married or single, successful or not,
| fit or fat. Know thyself. Go on a meditation retreat. You have
| nothing to lose and no limitations.
|
| As others have wisely stated, health is paramount. Challenge
| yourself with a physical activity you've never done before.
| You'll meet new people on the way.
|
| Rethink work. List causes you truly believe in, then find an
| organization which aligns with one and apply for a job in your
| specialty to expand their reach. Work with purpose even if it's
| only a year. Consider is a sabbatical if you need to frame it in
| a non committal way.
| altdataseller wrote:
| I don't think you need to underplay OP issues. While he may be
| better off financially than lots of people, feeling lost with
| little passion for life is still not a good situation, and he
| deserves to feel the way he does.
| altcognito wrote:
| He's not underplaying it. He is telling him to have
| perspective. Life has been pretty good to OP, at least as he
| portrays it.
|
| OP is not wrong. _Time is running out_. His best physical
| years are behind him. On the plus side he has deep
| experience. He probably has seen quite a bit. Maybe his
| feeling of having seen everything is justified.
|
| Existential dread is a bit of a thing, but it comes for the
| successful and the truly unsuccessful alike.
|
| OP is also probably right, it's probably time to find a new
| passion, in tech or outside of tech. All of the other advice
| in this thread to really make sure you're focused on your
| health in all forms from this age forward is spot on.
| bredren wrote:
| > His best physical years are behind him.
|
| They could be. Or it could depend on OP. Tom Brady has more
| Super Bowl Trophies and MVP selections from __after__ he
| was 37.
|
| There are plenty of athletic sports where being young does
| not offer easy superiority.
| enraged_camel wrote:
| People like Tom Brady are extremely rare exceptions
| though, at the far, far end of the spectrum. In most
| competitive sports, player hit their peak relatively
| young, in most cases before they turn 35. This doesn't
| mean getting older _necessarily_ makes one worse, but it
| definitely increases things like recovery times, chance
| of injury, etc. that tend to have that combined effect.
| evilduck wrote:
| I mean, Brady's an exception of course but quarterbacks
| and kickers can trend significantly older than most other
| positions in football because they're highly protected by
| both the rules and their teams and play designs because
| they're essential scoring roles and their value is
| largely accuracy, not physically beating an opponent one
| on one. The same is not true for most of the other
| players on the field.
| msilb wrote:
| This. I am 37 now and feel healthier and overall happier
| than when I was 15, 20 or 25. It really depends.
| altcognito wrote:
| So, I really did bounce back and forth on putting a
| qualifying "his best days are _likely_ behind him ". In
| an absolute sense, you will never have as many fitness
| "opportunity" as you did when you were 16-35. Speaking as
| an older dude who exercises a lot: _Enjoy working out
| way, way harder than you should at a young age and
| getting away with it because your body is like a
| superhero with its recovery rate._
|
| I didn't mean anything beyond pure athleticism. Sport is
| another matter.
|
| Physically, it's much more tricky to train and become an
| at an older age. But I'll agree that for some folks, you
| can be a better version of yourself at earlier ages -- it
| is just dependent on what type of athlete you were then,
| and much permanent damage your body has sustained over
| the years.
|
| I ran sub 17 5k at 18 years old. Will my tendons and
| knees support the kind of workload that is required to
| attempt that again?
|
| One day, your body will fail. Even Tom Brady knows father
| time always, always wins. You have to choose your battles
| and figure out where you want to spend your time.
| sound1 wrote:
| I thought the parent made an excellent point, and encouraged
| OP to try new things without hesitation because there wasn't
| much he was going to lose, and because he was in that
| condition because he wasn't trying out new things (meaning
| there no serious psychological issues with him). I would be
| glad to get his advice.
| prometheon1 wrote:
| I'm not saying this is the case here, but there have been
| occasions where I got all up in my head about my problems and
| someone laughing at me and telling me not to take my problems
| so seriously was the perfect way to stop worrying and focus
| on better things.
| Drdrdrq wrote:
| Really? For me it was the perfect way to stop asking this
| person for advice.
| ianai wrote:
| It reads like a humblebrag to me.
| bitxbitxbitcoin wrote:
| Is deserves the right word? I'd say he is entitled to feel
| that way - not that he deserves it since that implies
| causality and almost seems like victim blaming.
| bredren wrote:
| > Money has no meaning if you are feeling lost with $500K.
|
| Perhaps it would start to have meaning if the money was taken
| away.
| aiisjustanif wrote:
| Where did OP ever compare themselves to any but their younger
| self..?
| clysm wrote:
| If you want anyone to take your advice, you should find a
| better opener than laughing at them and being dismissive.
| Trasmatta wrote:
| Sometimes that type of response can actually be helpful at
| putting your current situation into perspective.
| DougN7 wrote:
| You make a good point, but I have to admit, as someone in my
| 50's, I also chuckled that some thought they were old at 35.
| I guess time changes all of our perspectives a day at a time.
| kjeetgill wrote:
| I think it's because 30s is where a lot of people first
| feel age with concessions. It's right when you first feel
| that you heal slower, have to watch your joints more, etc.
| The stark contrast from your 20s when you feel
| progressively more bullet proof each year.
|
| Or - that's been my experience atleast.
| aae42 wrote:
| 37 year old, checking in, agree on all points
|
| used to be able to eat what i want, move the way i want,
| get hurt and bounce back quickly, not so much these days
| kelnos wrote:
| Yup. I bloomed a little late and had my social explosion
| throughout my 30s. But every year the next day after a
| late night out drinking hurt more and more. Aches start
| piling up, weight is harder to keep off, it feels easier
| to hurt myself, and slower to heal.
|
| Keeping your health together and your body moving is one
| of the most important things.
|
| But the rest of it is just in our heads. We can learn new
| things, meet new people, start new romantic
| relationships. But we have to _want_ to do that, and put
| ourselves in positions where there are opportunities for
| those things to happen, and then take advantage of those
| opportunities.
| drzaiusapelord wrote:
| Yep this. The average rate of return is 10% so this is someone
| who can make $50k a year just off this money alone. The real
| median wage in the USA for workers who worked full time in 2020
| was $56k. This person has enough money to nearly replicate the
| financial success of your average American via a do-nothing
| secondary income. Your average American retires with only $200k
| saved up by age 65 as well. $500k is a lot of money and its
| bothersome that its being played up here as being unsuccessful.
|
| This person is doing very, very well and I suspect "I only have
| half a million dollars sitting idly by" is a humble-brag as
| that is obviously a lot of money.
|
| Also 35 isn't 65. This is the prime age for most business
| people, artists, writers, etc. This is typically a professional
| and creative peak that lasts, at least, another decade or so. A
| person this age often has the drive and vitality of youth but
| the wisdom of someone older. Its no wonder so many great works
| are created by people around this age.
|
| I think this post says a lot about the demographic here who
| lean towards worshipping money to the point where having half a
| million is being "unsuccessful" and being merely 35 is being
| "old." Capitalism does a great job of making people feel bad
| about themselves because they arent mega millionaires and
| commercial media sells images of youth because promoting anti
| aging things like makeup, drugs, surgeries, fitness, etc is so
| profitable. Hiring managers also discriminate on age because
| working young and naive people like dogs and leading them to
| burn out is "good business sense," while dealing with an older
| person who knows this con and understands class struggle and
| the dishonesty of management and the perverse incentive profit
| demands is "bad business."
|
| My advice is that forums are a very, very poor place to get
| therapy. Go see a professional if you feel depressed. Forums
| like these are just echo chambers full of people with similar
| unresolved issues or with coping mechanisms that aren't
| healthy. And egotists who just want to tell you their life
| story, knowing full well stories aren't healing because if they
| were, we could cure all our malaise with just biographies of
| people who struggle.
|
| So, no "fitness" or "hobbies" or "kids"[1] isn't it, maybe some
| of those things is part of it, but there's a lot more a human
| being needs who has lost their way in an ultra capitalist and
| competitive society. Part of it is seeing the forest for the
| trees and a professional can help them get the rational self-
| awareness they seem to lack, as well as address their emotional
| issues.
|
| [1] If you are not dying to have kids then you shouldn't not
| have kids. There is a lot of toxic advice here about having
| children to "fix" things. Children should not be born as a way
| to fix yourself. It is 100% valid to not want children. I say
| this as a parent. Its a grueling and hard life compared to not
| having children, and if you have difficulty in life and don't
| even want kids, do not have them. They will not magically
| suddenly fulfill you or make your life easier. In fact, in many
| ways they will make things much harder for you in literally
| every avenue in your life. The world does not need more
| unwanted children or children used a marriage or personal
| emotional fixers.
| Aidevah wrote:
| >Also 35 isn't 65. This is the prime age for most business
| people, artists, writers, etc. This is typically a
| professional and creative peak that lasts, at least, another
| decade or so. A person this age often has the drive and
| vitality of youth but the wisdom of someone older. Its no
| wonder so many great works are created by people around this
| age.
|
| The age of 35 does represents an important milestone for many
| artists; it is the age when their creativity fades in both
| intensity and volume. What used to arrive almost
| spontaneously now requires hard and conscious works. This is
| the age where even Mozart needed to increasingly rely on
| sketches, and some of those who relied on their youthful
| facility, such as Rossini, simply quit composition
| altogether. On the other hand, someone like Beethoven who
| always struggled with composition from the beginning of his
| career probably did not notice this creative slump
| (Beethoven's crisis came later in his mid-40s).
|
| This barrier to creativity that arrives in the mid-30s is
| especially evident in the Romantic artists, not just
| Wordsworth and Coleridge, but also Holderlin, Schlegel,
| Chateaubriand and Senancour. Charles Rosen speculates that is
| is because the inspiration for the Romantics was "drawn
| directly from memories of adolescence, and as these memories
| receded into the past their evocation became more and more
| artificial, or else the writer found himself with a fully
| developed manner and no content."[1] In this sense I do
| believe 35 is in some ways "old" as it represents a paradigm
| shift in one's approach to the creative arts, and maybe life
| itself.
|
| [1] Romantic poets, Critics and Other Madmen, 1998
| drzaiusapelord wrote:
| Those are all pre-modern people before the invention of
| vaccines and antibiotics and who had terrible health and
| suffered by now preventable childhood diseases. Their 35 is
| not our 35. Shakespeare, I believe, wrote about joint pain,
| aging, and losing his memory and mind at 35, which is not
| typical of a modern 35 year old. Substance abuse and
| artistry go hand in hand and a lot of these artists were
| addicts and drunks who badly damaged their brains. Many of
| them had mercury poisoning from medical treatments of their
| day and other edge cases not common today.
|
| Not to mention these people were elite global competitors,
| so if they felt less sharp at 35, that means they were
| merely just the top 1% instead of being the top .1%. They
| still were amazing thinkers and producers after 35.
|
| Just off the top of my head, Stanley Kubrick's career
| peaked with his decade plus long Lolita, Strangelove, 2001,
| and Clockwork Orange period in the 1960-70s, which was
| around his 30-40s. Then nearly 20 years after Lolita, well
| into his 50's he made The Shining, which is considered an
| important American film, perhaps not as groundbreaking as
| the others, but something miles ahead of his younger
| competitors. So even as these people supposedly age out of
| their peak years, these super high performers are still
| amazing. The Oscar winner that year? Kramer vs Kramer, a
| largely forgotten piece of art and "safe pick" that played
| to social issues of the time. The best screenplay? Breaking
| Away, a completely forgotten movie. The Shining is still a
| beloved classic, cultural icon, horror master-class, an
| iconic actor's defining role, and a movie studied in film
| school religiously today and for the foreseeable future.
|
| Then almost a decade later in 1987 at age 59, he directed
| Full Metal Jacket, a lesser work, but considered one of the
| best anti-war films, arguably stealing or matching the
| crown from beloved critic favorites like Apocalypse Now and
| The Deer Hunter, long after the 60s and 70s fad of anti-war
| movies faded away and Vietnam a now faded memory and during
| the right-wing, pro-military, pro-interventionist foreign
| policy Reagan administration. This was a bold and
| provocative move you'd associate with a younger director
| trying to get attention and not a man close to retirement.
| So even "old" Kubrick was competing on a world class level
| and doing interesting and challenging things.
|
| A genre horror film from a famous director who hasn't
| delivered a great film in a decade? An anti-war film in the
| late 80s on the tail of Top Gun? Both of these genres were
| fads once and decidedly uncool at the time of their
| release. This on paper sounds almost foolish, but in
| practice, an artist of his calibre pulled off something
| very special in both cases.
|
| For modern people, career peaks are mid-30s. The "wisdom"
| of two hundred old plus composers and poets is a nice
| toilet read but isn't scientific at all. Science has its
| own ideas about aging:
|
| The journals Psychological Science, Science Direct, and
| Harvard claims various mental peaks come later in life. New
| vocabulary peaks at 67, learning new information at 50,
| concentrating at 43, learning new faces 32, etc.
|
| https://nextluxury.com/mens-lifestyle-advice/what-age-do-
| men...
|
| So yes 35 is not only a good age, its the start of a peak,
| and a 35 year old modern worker has still another two
| decades of high performance waiting for them.
| Aidevah wrote:
| I do not deny the existence of creative peaks after 35,
| which is of course not a rarity (just look up Elliott
| Carter for a truly awe-inspiring example). What I mean to
| say is that there seems to be a certain (mental?
| physiognomical? spiritual?) obstacle at 35 which affects
| all artists but especially those who relied on their
| precocity or talent which was more abundant in their
| early years. Those who cruised through their youth using
| the gifts they were born with are faced with a difficult
| decision in their 30s: they can either accept the decline
| in the rate and quality of their works or shift to
| methods which requires much more effort. Of course, not
| all artists were prodigies and they are not equally
| affected by this obstacle.
|
| I don't know how sickness affects creativity, although
| quality of health has never seemed to be a disqualifying
| factor for the production of great works. Thomas Mann of
| course utilised this as his central idea in The Magic
| Mountain. The sickness of Schubert, Chopin and Beethoven
| does not see to have negatively impacted their
| creativity; Schubert seems even more sublime when he
| realised death was near, and Beethoven's deafness hasn't
| affected the quality of his late works.
|
| The case of Shakespeare is peculiar in itself. If you
| read all his plays in sequence of composition, you would
| notice a certain weariness that becomes gradually
| apparent. Coriolanus, Timon of Athens and Troilus and
| Cressida contain an undisguised bitterness which is
| largely absent in the earlier tragedies (although you can
| glimpse a hint of it in Anthony and Cleopatra). The late
| romances, Winter's Tale and The Tempest, are of course
| unusually heavy in their subject matter. Harold Bloom
| interprets this as a certain melancholy in Shakespeare
| which made him weary of the theatre business altogether,
| which certain explains his early retirement. The health
| complaints in his 30s doesn't square with the fact that
| most of his greatest works were still to come at that
| stage.
| djkivi wrote:
| There should be a 20-year Academy Awards, for movies
| people still care about 20 years later. Stanley Kubrick's
| films would do very well in such a competition.
| nprateem wrote:
| 10%?! On what planet? Where are you investing to get that
| kind of return now?
| tayo42 wrote:
| Where are you getting 10% guaranteed a year?
| lrem wrote:
| Just average the winning move of betting everything on
| Greenspan Put over the past couple years and ignore
| anything that happened before ;)
| czbond wrote:
| Just wait until the 10% returners start to see -5-10% for
| 10 years returns.
| datavirtue wrote:
| Just about any index fund.
| alvah wrote:
| You must be very young. Just about any index fund would
| have returned ~0% pa from mid 2000 to mid 2013, i.e. not
| very long ago.
| wrycoder wrote:
| Recently. Also, subtract inflation, which has been
| uncommonly low in recent years.
| tharne wrote:
| > Where are you getting 10% guaranteed a year?
|
| If anyone gets the answer to this question, PM me the
| details.
| davidmurdoch wrote:
| My 401k lost 6% last year... and after factoring in
| inflation and the account maintenance fees I might have
| been better off playing the lottery.
| fegu wrote:
| The 10% is not guaranteed. But it is average over several
| years. Although I prefer to go for global index funds which
| is more like 7% and less risky.
| ejb999 wrote:
| nowhere - there is _NO PLACE_ you get safely get 10%
| guaranteed per year. Zilch, none.
|
| Better plans is to plan on living off 4% of you nest egg if
| you don't want to run out when you are too old to start
| working again.
| derangedHorse wrote:
| The number is quoted from being averaged over several
| years. I think the basic premise is correct though, one
| can live off that type of money passively and comfortably
| (depending on where you live of course). If you aren't
| seeing those kind of returns on average, move your money
| to a total stock market index fund.
| lotsofpulp wrote:
| The premise is incorrect because real rate of return is
| what determines how you can "live". Even if you received
| 10% returns every year, it makes a huge difference if the
| medicine/food/labor you need increased by 5%, or 10%, or
| even 20%.
|
| Additionally, if you have lost the ability to earn an
| income, then you cannot afford to be down a few years,
| hence you need to greatly expand the proportion of assets
| that are earning less than equities, and quite possibly
| putting you behind inflation. Especially if you live in a
| popular area.
|
| Combine this with a nation whose population is aging and
| therefore competition for buying young people's labor is
| going up, and you might want to be more conservative
| about expectations of the future.
| brobinson wrote:
| As of right now, dividend-paying mortgage REITs pay around
| 9-10%. The US government will never let its housing market
| fail, and low interest rates let these trusts borrow
| inexpensively.
| Drdrdrq wrote:
| > The US government will never let its housing market
| fail,...
|
| Maybe I'm totally missing your point, but didn't exactly
| this happen in 2008?
| rhexs wrote:
| While I agree that ever-increasing housing prices are
| almost the only platform both parties agree on, when
| there are already low interest rates and inflation
| occurring, the government is out of moves.
|
| Never say never. Markets revert to the mean eventually.
| Xenoamorphous wrote:
| > If you are not dying to have kids then you shouldn't not
| have kids. There is a lot of toxic advice here about having
| children to "fix" things. Children should not be born as a
| way to fix yourself. It is 100% valid to not want children. I
| say this as a parent. Its a grueling and hard life compared
| to not having children, and if you have difficulty in life
| and don't even want kids, do not have them. They will not
| magically suddenly fulfill you or make your life easier. In
| fact, in many ways they will make things much harder for you
| in literally every avenue in your life. The world does not
| need more unwanted children or children used a marriage or
| personal emotional fixers.
|
| So much this. I'm horrified at the number of replies here
| touting kids as some magical fix for all problems. I became a
| dad in December after being in the fence for a few years
| preceded by several years of "no way I'm going to have kids".
|
| It's pretty darn tough. My quality of life has declined very
| substantially, we're mostly at home and go for a walk in the
| morning and another afternoon in a very small radius and in
| constant fear the baby might get fussy. We don't go to watch
| a movie, or restaurant or to a bar. I've stopped drinking
| alcohol (not that I was getting drunk before, just tipsy) as
| I have a baby to hold and move around the house. Even taking
| a shit requires some planning. I work remotely and switched
| to part time (4 hours per day) as I can't fathom placing all
| the burden on the mother (on top of breastfeeding which only
| she can do and it's also very tough) and hiring a nanny in
| covid times is not an option, but it's still hard.
|
| And the constant worry if the baby is ok, are those noises
| during sleep normal? Is she regurgitating too much? What are
| those twitches, is she having spasms? Is she developing well
| physically and neurologically?
|
| And I think I'm blessed with a "good" baby that sleeps quite
| well at night, waking only 2-3 times for feeding and falling
| asleep again shortly after.
|
| I recognize some of these issues are probably due to being a
| first time dad and/or my personality, and also that hopefully
| it gets easier over time. By the way none of this means I
| regret it, but still: OP is in no way in the right mindset to
| have kids right now.
| drzaiusapelord wrote:
| My take is that you're still in the easy period because
| babies are just still, well, babies. As they age into
| children and go to school, academics, socializing, etc
| matter and their own existential dread of the universe, etc
| come into play it gets much much harder. My son and I talk
| about death a lot because he's shocked by it. I try to
| explain to him what money means. Also you're building both
| a loving parental but also a peer relationship -- not a
| parent to baby one, past ages 4 or 5, with someone with
| their own interests, strong personality, mental health
| issues, hangups, habits, etc. This is a relationship that
| cant fail and you can't ever walk away from. This
| relationship only ends on your death which will badly hurt
| your children just like the loss of your own parents hurt
| you.
|
| Especially not only as their parent guiding them through
| this universe, but also knowing the economic and political
| system they are inheriting is terrible, unjust, unequal,
| racist, and dishonest and how they'll have to come to terms
| with that just like we did, if we ever did. And finding
| ways for them to avoid getting crushed by this unjust wheel
| we called capitalism by doing your best to get them into
| good schools, tutors, pulling strings on their behalf,
| guiding their interests, etc.
| demadog wrote:
| Same boat, congratulations! I think the biggest thing about
| having a baby is that we change for the better and mature.
| Getting to a new level of wisdom and grit that sticks
| around even after they get easier when they're older!
| dsugarman wrote:
| Your broader post shows that you actually care to someone
| soliciting feedback and I know you didn't solicit any yourself
| but I hope I could add some value. You're trying to give the
| gift of perspective but the tone is just awful to receive,
| their feelings are valid whether they has $5, $500k or $5M in
| the bank, it's just a feeling based on their own goals and
| perspective. You can build much better relationships and people
| will listen and respect you more if you lead with empathy. You
| can deliver a much more powerful message by saying "I know you
| feel inadequate today, I've felt that way too and it's really
| tough, but if you put things in perspective you are way ahead
| of your peers on things that really matter (money, life
| experiences, etc.)" That's what you were really saying anyway
| in the first 2 paragraphs.
| pm90 wrote:
| > my advice would be stop comparing yourself to others. Older
| or younger, married or single, successful or not, fit or fat
|
| 100% agreed.
|
| Unfortunately we live in bodies that were hardwired to live in
| a hierarchical tribe; our early life is also a lot of rat
| racing. Just step aside from that, and know this: you are
| special in your own way. There's nobody that's just like you.
|
| Also to be clear, if you had accomplished more you would
| probably feel like that wasn't good enough either.
| Accomplishments just don't satisfy inner needs unless they're
| something _you_ genuinely deeply care about (and not just to
| measure up in society's totem pole).
| mrsprite wrote:
| Isn't this something called as mid life crisis?
| Venkatesh10 wrote:
| I'll give you a proposal. For $30k, I'll share you real good
| ideas and optimistic project I've been thinking about for a
| while. With that amount, I'll be able to quit my job and you can
| become a partner in building the product. It'll give you a
| purpose for some time.
| johnsillings wrote:
| This is how great business partnerships are formed.
|
| /s
| rsyring wrote:
| So...in some ways, you've "arrived" while at the same time
| recognize your time left to travel is shorter and, probably
| worse, you are realizing you aren't sure where to go or if
| traveling itself is even worthwhile.
|
| You mention a relationship but, while a traveling companion might
| be a good idea and a blessing, it's unlikely to alleviate the
| things you are experiencing. I'm 41, been married for almost 20
| years to a good woman who is a blessing to me, and it's not a
| cure to the things you are feeling and thinking.
|
| But, thankfully, I learned a long time ago that none of these
| things would every truly satisfy. It's not kept me from feeling
| and thinking similar things, putts just help put them in
| perspective.
|
| I'd encourage you to read the biblical book Ecclesiastes[1] to
| help verify and understand your current experience. If you are
| then interested, move to the gospel of Luke, gospel of John, and
| Romans to help understand what is truly important in life.
|
| 1. https://www.esv.org/Ecclesiastes+1/
| OOPMan wrote:
| Man...I wish I had $500k in savings.
|
| Kinda amusing to see someone complaining about not having
| achieved anything despite this.
| interfaced wrote:
| I just read a review of this book with seems worth a read for a
| man of any age. Take solice that you're not alone in the feelings
| of uncertainty, and good on you for sharing.
|
| Pulled from Rob Henderson's email (which is not linkable sorry)
| http://us4.forward-to-friend.com/forward?u=412bdf6ca38cdf29c...
|
| For most men, the life structure of the late twenties is
| fragmented and unstable. They're unsure if they chose the right
| career path. The possibility of marriage becomes a more pressing
| concern. They feel aimless if they don't already have a solid
| relationship, home base, and career path.
|
| From here, men enter what Levinson terms the "Age Thirty
| Transition." In the late twenties, men realize that if they are
| going to make a change, they must do it soon, otherwise it will
| be too late.
|
| This change could be about their careers, what city to live in,
| whether to fully commit to their romantic relationship or pursue
| other partners, and so on.
|
| Levinson writes that this transition is often stressful. He calls
| it an "Age Thirty Crisis."
|
| This happens when a man's current life structure is intolerable,
| but for whatever reason, they are unable to form a better one. A
| moderate or severe crisis is common during this period.
|
| The Age Thirty Transition often begins with a vague uneasiness, a
| feeling that something is missing or wrong in your life. At this
| point, men sense that they must either find a new direction and
| make new choices or strengthen their commitment to the choices
| they've already made.
|
| For some men, the process is smooth. By 30, they feel their lives
| are reasonably complete. Still, it's possible that they are not
| acknowledging flaws in their lives, which "often surface at a
| later time, when they exact a heavier cost."
|
| 62 percent of the men interviewed in the book went through a
| moderate or severe age thirty crisis.
|
| Levinson concludes:
|
| "A stressful Age Thirty Transition was more the rule than the
| exception in our study...Many young adults as they pass 30 have
| serious doubts about the value and viability of our society and
| about the possibility of forming a life structure worth having.
| Perhaps every generation feels that its life problems are unique
| in character and severity--and each of them may be right."
| tomhoward wrote:
| I think I understand what you're feeling. I'm lucky to have found
| my way through my period of feeling lost, and have come to a
| pretty good place as I approach 45 (fathered my first child two
| years ago, have increasingly good relationships with my partner,
| family, friends, etc, and have new career/startup opportunities
| taking shape that are exciting to me). But it's been a long road
| of feeling very lost and doing deep soul searching to get here.
|
| Some places I'd recommend looking for
| guidance/inspiration/support:
|
| - Writers/speakers on topics relating to "the meaning crisis";
| people like John Vervaeke, Iain McGilchrist, Rafia Morgan and
| Jonathan Pageau. There are some good video interviews with them
| and others on the Rebel Wisdom YouTube channel.
|
| - Consider a men's group (assuming you're male; equivalent groups
| exist for women and other identity groups); I've been in a local
| chapter of Evryman for the past couple of years, and others I've
| known have been in The Mankind Project. These kinds of groups can
| be a great way to connect with other men who are seeking meaning
| and encouragement to achieve better life outcomes. I've seen some
| amazing transformations in the men I've known to go through these
| groups.
|
| - Don't think you're "just depressed". While of course it's
| possible you could have a clinical condition, and it's worth
| exploring that and seeking treatment if need be, don't let people
| tell you that feeling lost in this world is merely a sign of
| depression. It can be a very healthy reaction to notice that the
| world is pretty messed up and to feel that there must be a way to
| find a more fulfilling life path.
|
| Also, feel free to contact me (email address in profile). I'm
| thinking about starting a new kind of community for people who
| are looking to heal and grow.
|
| All the best to you.
| evanspa wrote:
| In my 40s. I feel that way too sometimes. My advice: try new
| things! I just started motorcycling; signed up for MSF course,
| got a used bike and it's awesome. I play beer league hockey and
| that one night a week playing and being with the boys is precious
| (and theuropeutic...in a house with only daughters and wife lol).
| Snowboard in the winter...got my kids into skiing...golf in
| summer...LeetCode for fun to keep my mind/coding sharp. You get
| the idea. My day job (Android coding) is kinda mundane and is
| really just for the paycheck...and so my personal philosophy of
| life is to keep trying new things, diverse things, not being
| afraid of new things, and just going for it. I'm never bored and
| I don't sweat things like "legacy" and whatnot. Enjoy life!
| AtlasBarfed wrote:
| Civilization is a machine, and you are just a part in that
| machine that wears out after about 20-30 years, then you either
| go into management or some other role that isn't physically
| productive.
|
| Capitalism loves consumption, and the young consume/can be sold
| to, so civilization is broadly structured around that.
|
| Sort of like the "hot young girl" who loses her appeal rapidly
| after age 30, this gradual rug-pulling is unnerving. The ground
| rules shift under your feet. Things you thought were fact,
| actually were circumstances of the time and place.
|
| All of a sudden, you start understanding your parents, older
| people, and life situations that were once abstract and far away,
| and now are more concrete. The progressive commercials are great
| little parodies of this.
|
| At the same time, you have lived a few pop culture cycles. You
| start to see the treadmill for what it is rather than all these
| amazing experiences and things you didn't know about when you
| were young.
|
| Observations:
|
| 1) 35 is not too late to get in good shape. Not the "I walk a
| couple miles" activity that puts you in the upper quartile of our
| population. I mean in ACTUAL good shape like being able to run a
| marathon and bench press your weight. If you do this, your
| "functional age" will be vastly suppressed throughout the next
| 25-40 years and the range of options available to you is a lot
| greater. Be careful though of overtraining in your 30s. Don't
| listen to dumb 20 year olds whose muscle and ligaments are at the
| height of their plasticity and durability.
|
| 2) you're probably a dude. You can start a family in the next 15
| years, your situation is not as dire as a 35 year old woman. But
| you should get on it.
|
| 3) basically you're probably done with the gambling phase of your
| career. Sure you can keep chasing startups, but really you should
| have skills and just settle into more regular and predictable
| income.
|
| 4) 500k is a decent chunk, but it ain't retirement-grade. You
| should start concentrating on growing that rather than
| moonshooting for another million. I would disagree with "go
| traveling". That's expensive in cost, time, and missed income.
| Plus, you are ancient in terms of silicon valley, and getting old
| in IT in other markets. If you don't want to go into management,
| you'll need to maximize your sweet spot of your career in terms
| of reliable income.
|
| Or... you don't? Maybe you need to chuck the entire career thing,
| put 400k into funds that you don't touch for 20 years and go live
| an entirely different life and lifestyle? Chuck all the financial
| shit I mentioned.
|
| But get in good shape. Seriously, that makes SUCH a huge
| difference now that I'm in the late 40s-50s phase of my life.
| What is the fountain of youth? Exercise. Exercise often has
| built-in socializing as well, and makes you better looking, which
| has built-in social effects as well.
| newaccount2021 wrote:
| Broker0 wrote:
| I'm 25 and I feel exactly the same way.
| (https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30230127). Not sure if I
| can call myself burned out, but Im thinking about quitting my job
| to study again...
|
| Best of luck to you, good sir.
| atc wrote:
| unfocussed_mike wrote:
| You're not getting old just yet.
|
| Don't go to bars (drinking for the sake of it is a waste of time)
| ... except to see live music, or live comedy, or something. Go to
| festivals, though.
|
| Or start a regular event or a festival with friends, or spend
| some time helping a local music venue. Or if you don't know those
| people, join some group that helps people put on events you might
| want to attend.
|
| At 33, I was handed a bit of a social lifeline and the brief
| self-esteem to grab onto it, and found my way into a local music
| scene that I worked how I could to help support, which sustained
| me personally until the pandemic arrived. Now I find my life is
| lonely and detached, but 33 is a long time ago. That period of
| life was good; I look back on it fondly.
|
| Do something to build the kind of life that fits you now. Be part
| of something: 35 is a time when you can still have fun but you
| also have life experience and maturity that helps you organise,
| see more different perspectives, value creating fun for other
| people, look out for them and take care of them.
|
| And right now, post-pandemic, anything you do to help people re-
| establish the connections that have gone a bit cold and the
| friendships that have lost their steam in periods of lockdown and
| restriction will be welcomed by like-minded people, many of whom
| will be your age.
| scotty79 wrote:
| I'd buy crypto for half of the money and forget about it. Move
| somewhere cheap but comfy and play computer games and browse the
| internet and interact with people there for few years till I
| figure out if there's anything else in this world I'd rather do
| than enjoy my early retirement from the world of money and
| relationship chasing.
|
| I'm 43 and doing something similar for last few years, not
| exactly the same because I had a different starting point than
| you.
|
| Also try to excercise a bit because this mortal shell is crap.
|
| It might not be for everybody. But once you accept
| meaninglessness of it all there are huge benefits of having a
| 100% of your life just to yourself.
|
| I know mentioning crypto will not sit well with many people here
| but I see it as a retirement plan at the expense of greedy people
| of this world.
| sgt wrote:
| You knew you'd be heavily downvoted for this, right?
| scotty79 wrote:
| I already am. I'm here since 2009. I recently passed 10000
| karma. I guess I have few days of "what's karma anyways"
| since I dared to post such a controversial yet authentic
| comment.
| paradite wrote:
| Maybe early retirement / FIRE would help a bit here.
|
| I am about to hit 30 soon and I came up with the idea of _Retire
| 35_ to start planning for the inevitable.
|
| If you haven't figured out what to do, early retirement can at
| least give you more time to think about it without the stress /
| burnout / worrying about work or finances.
|
| _Shameless plug:https://retire35.com/_
| aspaviento wrote:
| Write down what are your expectations at 35. Maybe they are
| outdated and you have been imposing them to yourself
| unconsciously, making yourself feel bad because of it.
|
| Re-asset them to match your current situation and find your new
| priorities. If you are lacking passion, it's time for a new
| challenge outside of your comfort zone. If that doesn't work, you
| can always go back to what you are used to.
| [deleted]
| [deleted]
| ColinHayhurst wrote:
| I do understand. Do others, notably friends and family feel you
| haven't achieved much, both personally and professionally? You
| are young (I'm 60 and young!), single, relatively wealthy and
| presumably free. Could you work on something that you are excited
| about, whilst you are? The world has many problems. Can your
| technology skills and experience help?
|
| Folks here, including me, may think we are helping you. We
| probably are not:
|
| https://shatterealm.netlify.app/personal/2021_01_02_living_w...
| z5h wrote:
| You need to read some philosophy. Find new and rewarding ways to
| reframe your life journey. The Stoics are the experts of moving
| past troubles and and reframing events in n a practical and/or
| positive way. Alan Watts was all about viewing everything as a
| joyful and entertaining whole. "Four Thousand Weeks" is a recent
| and practical book that aims to get over the idea of achievements
| and efficiency and get to enjoying moments in life and
| rediscovering what is meaningful to us.
|
| Just a few getting started ideas here.
| lazyjones wrote:
| That's a lot of different issues in a single post.
|
| IT is getting boring and a lot of things are just being
| reinvented badly, that's true. Aside from some very small niches
| that might be worth exploring if you still care.
|
| That most things in life naturally get harder as you get older,
| is also evident. You'll just have to try more and build on your
| experience (regarding friends, relationships, startups).
|
| Don't worry, at 35 you're still very young, it's the best age for
| many things (relationships...). Many people will envy you for
| that and for the freedom you have, not being stuck with the
| burden of responsibility (from family life, having your own
| company etc.).
| whiddershins wrote:
| Have kids. Find someone who wants to and start a family together.
| aristofun wrote:
| Despite some advice here, I beg you - don't get married and don't
| get children out of boredom or to fix yourself.
|
| Firstly, this will not fix you. I've been there.
|
| Secondly, it will make another human being suffer and bear a part
| if your sh..t.
|
| It is only your own responsibility to find your own meaning and
| your own happiness.
| gusennan wrote:
| I just turned 35 and my situation is very similar to yours, with
| the exception being that I am married. Partners and family do
| give one's life a lot of meaning. That said, I'm glad you asked
| this question, as these topics have been occupying much of my
| thinking lately as well. I don't have the solution, but just want
| to let you know others feel the same as you (as you have probably
| already seen in the comments!)
| vertnerd wrote:
| I quit my job and did something different. Almost 60 now and I'm
| about to do it again. Don't regret the mistakes you made in the
| past. Go out and make some new ones while there's still time
| left.
|
| Oh.. and one of my best job changes was becoming a high school
| teacher. Think about it.
| lampshades wrote:
| I'm turning 35 at the end of this year and reading through your
| post I feel like you need human connection. You're really not in
| a bad spot, though. A lot of people would kill to have the amount
| of savings you have, at that age.
|
| I haven't achieved much professionally. I have about 500k in
| savings as well and have just worked corporate jobs. However, I
| met my wife when I was 23, we got married when I was 30, and I
| have two young children. To me, it makes it all worth it. And,
| it's not too late at 35. There are so many people that have put
| off personal life at the gain of their professional life, that
| you're bound to find someone in a very similar situation.
|
| That said, you might need to be less picky at this point and
| realize that you're looking for someone for life. Keep that in
| mind as you start dating.
|
| > Now I feel too old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make
| new friends that way.
|
| I couldn't imagine doing this. It sounds absolutely terrible. I
| don't try to make friends anymore because I have enough going on
| just having a family. I also have zero desire to ever enter a
| club. Bar? Sure, I'll go with my wife sometimes and it's fun, as
| long as it's quiet. Staying out until 4am partying? That part of
| my life is in the past and I'm grateful for it. I look back at it
| and feel like I was probably searching for purpose and drowning
| it out with alcohol and drugs when I couldn't find it.
| yob22 wrote:
| talkingtab wrote:
| I'm 73. So yes, when I was 35 I more or less thought my life was
| over. But the best is yet to come. Think about being in the same
| room for 35 years. No matter what the room is like, it becomes
| utterly and completely boring. So get out.
|
| Where to go? For me, the answer came about from wondering what I
| was capable of becoming. You are not a programmer, or painter or
| duck or politician. You are capable of becoming anything - well
| almost. Art always made my heart sing, and while I am not a great
| artist, I now believe almost everyone can be at least a very good
| artist of some kind in some form. It is who we are - to sing or
| paint or write or whatever. And how can you find out if you are
| the Van Gogh of knitting unless you try?
|
| And yes to the physical side of your being. If you have never
| done the equivalent of running 15 miles, or hiking up a mountain,
| or hiking a hundred miles then you just are not getting who you
| are. (Scaled of course to whatever is a "mountain" for you.) Go
| for it. [edit change year to room]
| zafka wrote:
| Thanks! It is good to hear from an optimistic 73 year old. Just
| a decade shy of that mark, I am working out how I will
| transition to the next phase. Intellectually I know that step
| one needs to be more physical activity-inertia can be a killer.
| Thanks again for the inspiration.
| dr_faustus wrote:
| I was in similar spot with around 30. My advice:
|
| 1.) Start dating. It might be a drag and maybe embarrassing at
| times, but obviously not being a loser having saved up half a mil
| in 10 years, you will probably find someone. Don't buy into that
| Hollywood "soulmate" crap. More likely than not there is already
| someone you know or at max someone one graph edge away which will
| be a perfectly fine partner for the rest of your life. So finding
| that person will keep you occupied for 2-5 years.
|
| 2.) Get kids. Having never imagined to be a father and now having
| three kids, I have to admit I always feel sorry for people who
| don't have kids. I have a hard time to see any relevance in a
| life without children anymore. This might be complete bs but
| certainly floats my boat. I got my "finding meaning in life"
| completely covered by getting those three buggers into a good
| position for their life. That will keep me busy for the next 15
| years.
|
| 3.) Don't take your job too seriously. There is Jeff Bezos and
| Bill Gates and Henry Ford but for 99.99% percent of the people
| here on HN (me and presumably you included) what you do in your
| work life will not really matter for generations to come. It pays
| the bills, it should be interesting enough not to bore you to
| death, you should have colleagues that are in their majority
| "friend material". That's it.
|
| I always imagine my live as a pizza with three slices: personal
| (some sport, watching movies with friends, reading books, etc.),
| family and work. Ideally, each one should be about a third of the
| pizza, ie. have a third of your attention and time. There are
| times when this is not possible but it should be the state you
| are striving towards.
| CodeGlitch wrote:
| (2) This! Once you have kids your focus is on other people
| rather than yourself, which makes you a better human being...
| well that was my experience at least. Don't leave it too late.
|
| Take a look at the current "feminism" movement that aims to
| empower women to be equal to men in the job market. What has
| happened in the West is that women are realising by the age of
| 40 they have a great job, but no kids or long term relationship
| to speak of. Instead they have surrounded themselves with cats
| :(
|
| (not saying all Feminism is bad - it's done a lot of good in
| other aspects)
| PaulHoule wrote:
| I wouldn't say that was the result of a feminist movement as
| much powerful interests in society being able to exploit
| women's work much more systematically.
|
| If a woman has a career the government can tax their earnings
| and somebody like Jeff Bezos has the value of their stock
| holdings increase by some multiple of the earnings created.
| Contrast that to unpaid domestic work which doesn't
| contribute to either but does contribute to the welfare of
| the family.
|
| Manicur Olson points out that large groups (50% of the
| population) have the most difficult time organizing on their
| own behalf, whereas small special interest groups that are
| more concentrated are much more effective at getting what
| they want. The most effective social movements have both an
| elite and mass component.
| stonewashed wrote:
| > I have a hard time to see any relevance in a life without
| children anymore
|
| So do I. Unfortunately I don't have any and most likely never
| will (the wife can't). Combined with an unfulfilling job, this
| makes most days quite pointless and hard to bear.
|
| Personally I try to distract myself, not think too much about
| these things and just wait for it all to be over.
| datavirtue wrote:
| Can you adopt? There are kids out in the world with no one
| and who bounce from foster home to foster home until they are
| booted out of the system at 18. Abandoned again.
|
| Focus on really helping people before you slide into
| depression.
| aero-glide2 wrote:
| Have you discussed adopting a kid?
| stonewashed wrote:
| Yes, we have. Apparently it's close to impossible to adopt
| a kid for us, considering that we are in our 40's and that
| demand is much greater than supply, so they pick younger
| couples. Also, there seems to be a whole industry pretty
| much stealing children from poor countries and selling them
| to couples like us. I do not want to be part of that.
| SamoyedFurFluff wrote:
| Demand is much greater than supply? I'm pretty surprised
| to hear this actually. Would you be willing to educate me
| a little bit about this? My understanding is that there
| are countless children in foster homes waiting to be
| adopted.
| Nbox9 wrote:
| Demand is incredibly high for babies, and drops off with
| age.
| [deleted]
| cjmcqueen wrote:
| Not sure if this will help, but "giving back" or supporting
| those around you are some of the core ideas of having kids. I
| know it can feel hard when there are personal limitations,
| but I hope you can find someone or a group to invest in. I
| feel it really makes a difference in my life with similar
| limitations.
| kumquats wrote:
| what does one graph edge away mean?
| [deleted]
| k8sToGo wrote:
| While I am glad that you are enjoying kids, I do not think it
| is fair the way you paint the picture of people who choose to
| not have kids ("feeling sorry for them") as if it was a
| condition or something. Plus I think having children is not
| something that should be rushed. Pretty sure there are many
| parents out there who became a parent because of social
| pressure.
|
| What if I tell you I find fullfilment in travelling? Should I
| feel sorry for people who do not want to travel (or can't
| because they have kids ;) )?
|
| I agree with 3) though that a job should be just a means to the
| end.
| tharne wrote:
| > I do not think it is fair the way you paint the picture of
| people who choose to not have kids ("feeling sorry for them")
| as if it was a condition or something.
|
| It's not painting childless folks as having a condition, it's
| more kindhearted than that. It's saying, "Here's this thing
| that's incredibly difficult but infinitely rewarding. I care
| about you so I want you to experience it too".
| H8crilA wrote:
| Take that comment with an assumption of good intentions, and
| you can get to a specific situation like: "oh man, that
| particular guy really has nothing going for him, if he had
| kids it would look a whole lot different". BTW, I feel like
| "that guy" sometimes, and it's probably quite common.
| datavirtue wrote:
| If you don't have kids you are missing a fundamental
| understanding of what is driving most people each and every
| day. You are clueless about most of the world because most
| people have kids and it profoundly affects them. You can't
| know this unless you experience it yourself.
|
| It's also difficult to understand what you are getting into
| by having kids. It brings on a profound level of anxiety
| about their feelings and ultimate happiness. Your world is
| not yours anymore. You don't control them and you can rarely
| fix them. Anything that makes them sad is like a stab to your
| heart that requires immediate action. Imagine having a kid
| that does not have any ambitions and struggles to find any
| happiness and has problems with drug addiction. Get ready to
| have your soul ripped out.
|
| Not having kids prevents this very possible outcome and
| allows you to focus on pampering yourself with your millions
| your whole life...with the side effect of perhaps coming to
| the conclusion that your own life is meaningless somewhere
| down the road.
|
| If you reach a certain age and are still childless just know
| that nearly everyone will feel sorry for you.
|
| The world does not revolve around single people...at all.
| ohwellhere wrote:
| > He that hath wife and children hath given hostages to
| fortune, for they are impediments to great enterprises,
| either of virtue or mischief.
| Grustaf wrote:
| Unless you're Francis Bacon, or some other world changing
| figure, this does not apply to you.
| k8sToGo wrote:
| That's ok to feel like that but you are basically arguing
| that if I don't want children I have a meaningless life and
| that I am a second class citizen of Earth and the only
| purpose of life is to have children.
|
| Having a child is a huge responsibility. It's not just
| something you can try out and see if it works for you or
| not.
|
| Honestly, I think you are in a parent bubble or something.
| I don't quite understand your hardcore stance on must-have
| children.
| Trasmatta wrote:
| > If you reach a certain age and are still childless just
| know that nearly everyone will feel sorry for you
|
| I legitimately do not care if people "feel sorry for me". I
| have good reasons for choosing not to have kids, and I hate
| the attitude that I'm somehow selfish or missing out on the
| "true meaning of life". Life is ultimately meaningless with
| or without kids. That allows you to make your own meaning,
| and kids are not a requirement for that.
|
| There's this attitude that people who don't have kids are
| in some way selfish, but in my experience, the act of
| having kids can be the selfish one, especially if you are
| not in the position to be a good parent, for whatever
| reason. Many people have kids in that attempt to find
| meaning for themselves, not to actually be a good parent.
|
| As a society, we need to be much better at not pushing
| every single person into being a parent. It just doesn't
| work for many people. And that's okay.
|
| > The world does not revolve around single people...at all
|
| Plenty of single people have kids, though?
| arisAlexis wrote:
| Its in the code. If many people thought like you our
| species would be extinct. The people that have this
| software version is the majority and any argument you
| make will not alter the code. Their code includes
| convincing others to make kids.
| Trasmatta wrote:
| The way I think isn't "people shouldn't don't have kids",
| it's "don't force yourself to have kids if you don't want
| them, and don't expect kids to be the path to solving
| your own problems -- they may, in fact, just magnify
| every problem you have". I'm fairly certain that even
| everyone agreeing with that wouldn't lead to the
| extinction of the species, but it may lead to less
| children being raised in dire or abusive circumstances,
| and less parents miserable with their own existence.
|
| I agree that this way of thinking probably runs contrary
| to the evolutionary code of the species. But we live in a
| world where that code is outdated, and education should
| allow us to teach people that marriage and child-rearing,
| while the right path for many people, is not the only
| route to self fulfillment and happiness. And those that
| choose alternate paths should not be treated as, or feel
| like, outcasts.
| arisAlexis wrote:
| I agree
| noelsusman wrote:
| It's actually not that difficult for childless people to
| imagine what having kids is like. What I imagined before I
| had kids was pretty close to what it ended up being once I
| had them.
|
| I also don't think I've ever experienced my fellow parents
| feeling sorry for somebody our age without kids. It's more
| often jealousy than anything else. A lot of people have
| kids because it's just the next thing you do and then they
| end up regretting it.
| jacquesm wrote:
| Not everybody is created equal. I love my kids, don't get
| me wrong. But I also know people that live for their art,
| their skill, their ability to help others and so on.
|
| > If you reach a certain age and are still childless just
| know that nearly everyone will feel sorry for you.
|
| Nearly everyone is a pretty large assumption, I think you
| speak mostly for yourself, not for 'nearly everyone'.
| Trasmatta wrote:
| > Nearly everyone is a pretty large assumption, I think
| you speak mostly for yourself, not for 'nearly everyone'.
|
| Exactly this. Additionally, I've known a number of
| parents that deeply regret having kids, and look on child
| free friends with _envy_ , not sorrow.
|
| It's not a socially acceptable view for them to have, so
| they generally keep it secret. And the majority of them
| still love their children, but have a very complicated
| relationship with the whole parenting situation. People
| don't want to talk about it, though, because it can come
| off like they hate their kids, which usually isn't the
| case.
|
| We need to teach people from a young age that choosing
| not to have kids is a perfectly acceptable choice, if
| that's what they decide they want.
| jacquesm wrote:
| I also wonder what a child would think that read that.
| k8sToGo wrote:
| Which part?
| amznbyebyebye wrote:
| Unpopular opinion but even if you are a Bill Gates, I don't
| think there is anything of substance about his technological
| innovation.
|
| What is noteworthy is how he has used his wealth in his
| philanthropic efforts to eradicate disease and suffering. That
| deserves kudos.
| tharne wrote:
| > Unpopular opinion but even if you are a Bill Gates, I don't
| think there is anything of substance about his technological
| innovation.
|
| I don't understand the downvotes here. In 100 years or so,
| practically no one is going to remember that Bill Gates
| created a shitty operating system back in the 20th century,
| but there will probably be statues of him around the world
| for his philanthropic work.
| tonguez wrote:
| The most philanthropic thing he could do would be to go
| back in time and undo everything he's done in his life.
| Which is basically enrich himself at the expense of
| everyone else, causing trillions of hours of human lives to
| be wasted dealing with his broken dogshit product. Donating
| some money to some stupid organization with his name on it
| now doesn't make it better.
| amznbyebyebye wrote:
| When you comment anything that goes against the hacker
| fantasy... that all of a sudden the world discovers a
| genius amongst his github code and throws money and awards
| at him out of good will to honor his genius as if he was
| the next donald knuth or something then prepare to get
| downvoted.
| jart wrote:
| (3) is a very negative way of looking at things. Do you think
| Bill Gates did it on his own? You don't have to be famous in
| order to play a small part of something impactful that's larger
| than yourself and will be respected for generations.
| romanovcode wrote:
| > play a small part of something impactful that's larger than
| yourself and will be respected for generations.
|
| So do you know anyone from MS who played part except Bill
| Gates and Steve Ballmer? I would attribute the guy who
| invented C# and TypeScript a significant impact, however I
| don't even know his name without googleing it.
| hackerfromthefu wrote:
| Anders Hejlsberg, also the architect of turbo pascal,
| delphi, and j++ before c# and then typescript!
| jart wrote:
| Well Tim Paterson for starters. He wrote their wildest
| hacks. Like this program that translated old CP/M binaries
| into i8086 code dynamically at runtime during the loading
| process, so that DOS could seamlessly transition people
| away from the Digital Equipment Corporation platform. Plus
| he wrote commands like `DEBUG` which like GDB normally
| require special kind of giftedness in order to create. What
| would Microsoft have been, if it weren't for unsung heroes
| like him?
| josefrichter wrote:
| I think the point is that you shouldn't try so hard to
| "change the world". We are far too often told that you can
| change the world, you can be anything you want to be, keep
| looking and don't settle, and it brings a lot of misery to a
| lot of people who feel they are losers just because they're
| not changing the world..
|
| We the HN readers are generally some of the luckiest people
| in the world because we were born smart enough to be able to
| work in a profession that is generally very well paid. If OP
| has $500k he is in fact probably among top 1% of the richest
| people on this planet.. If you're less lucky and work as a
| truck driver somewhere in poor country, then life is
| extremely hard...
|
| I would agree with you on one thing: no matter what your
| conditions are, you can e.g. go out and start picking up
| trash and cleaning up your neighborhood. I am sure it is
| meaningful, someone will appreciate it sooner or later,
| someone might even join and help. And if not, at least you
| have cleaner neighborhood.
| sillysaurusx wrote:
| > You don't have to be famous in order to play a small part
| of something impactful that's larger than yourself and will
| be respected for generations.
|
| Once someone leaves a company, their work generally fades
| into oblivion. Almost immediately, too.
|
| Are you around 25? I used to feel as you do. But at 34, I'm
| with OP.
| jart wrote:
| I'm older than you. The code I write and the production
| systems I've brought online tend to stick around. It's
| because I pour my heart and soul into making them as
| beautiful and poetic as possible. Because I'm not just
| thinking about my paycheck. I'm thinking about the next guy
| who's going to be maintaining it, and how good his life is
| going to be, after I've moved on to a different project,
| and then the next guy. I think if we all approached our
| work with the same level of tender loving care that we
| normally reserve only for our children, then the world
| would be a more pleasant place.
| sillysaurusx wrote:
| It sounds like you haven't had the experience of being
| fired without notice, with one month of rent in savings.
|
| Companies literally don't care whether you die. Why would
| you pour your heart and soul into something so soulless?
|
| When I felt as you did, it ended up causing interpersonal
| conflicts when my vision of "good" didn't match my
| coworkers'. If you pour your heart and soul into
| something, and then everyone disagrees that it's good,
| then empirically you were a net negative for the team.
| Strike two for soulpouring.
|
| I understand you might want to remain anonymous, but it's
| also telling that you didn't link to any examples of the
| work that you're proud of.
|
| My point is, try not to judge others for not feeling as
| you do. Empathy is a difficult art, but it's worthwhile.
| It wasn't till I was diagnosed with narcolepsy that most
| of my work history made sense in hindsight -- _zero_
| companies were tolerant to missed meetings, with the
| thankful exception of my current role. (I wrote about my
| experiences here:
| https://twitter.com/theshawwn/status/1392213804684038150)
|
| And no matter how much you care about your work, I bet
| you don't pour your heart and soul into meetings. So it
| always felt like the world cared about things I didn't,
| which in turn made me stop caring beyond professionalism.
|
| But professionalism has merit. Once I detached my ego, I
| was able to take orders well, and to execute someone
| else's vision well. "Tool" is another name for that sort
| of person. And although I don't enjoy being a tool, I'm
| well-compensated for it, and the counterparty and I both
| walk away happy.
| jart wrote:
| Companies normally don't fire a crackerjack but that
| happened to me back in the 2000's during one of the more
| vulnerable parts of my life. The vice president who
| recruited me took a higher paying gig at a competitor.
| Then my manager went on a weeklong vacation. I showed up
| to work one day and found that my computer couldn't
| access the network. I asked the IT guy what happened and
| with a bead of sweat rolling down his forehead he was
| like, uhh talk to the new VP. Turns out first day on the
| job, he decided to can me. When my manager came back from
| vacation and learned what they'd done, he immediately
| tendered his resignation. Really unfortunate. But I
| checked and they're still using my code.
|
| But it doesn't matter, because one goofball VP doesn't
| shake my faith in myself and the meaningfulness of the
| work that myself and my colleagues are doing. You might
| have lost faith but that doesn't mean other people should
| too. The GP wasn't just musing about his own life. He
| very explicitly said _you_ and came across as saying your
| life doesn 't matter if work is the thing that matters to
| you, because your work will never matter unless you're
| Gates. I don't accept that and I won't empathize with
| that conclusion. Because it's demoralizing and insulting
| to everyone who's working hard. If his truth was accepted
| as everyone's truth, then could you imagine how
| unpleasant the world would be? The simple fact is that
| your family matters _and_ your work matters too.
| Regardless of whatever misfortune or doom and gloom you
| may have encountered on your journey.
| sillysaurusx wrote:
| "Companies don't fire a crackerjack" implies that you've
| always been seen as an all-star team member.
|
| Consider an alternate universe where you were never
| allowed to feel like an all-star, because you were never
| able to show up for meetings on time, and people got
| progressively madder at you regardless of how much soul
| or effort you put in.
|
| We're probably two sides of the same coin. You got lucky
| at all your jobs, and I got unlucky. But it certainly
| made me think twice about thinking badly of people who
| get fired, regardless of official reasons.
|
| (Your manager seemed to actually care about you on a
| personal level? That ~never happens.)
| jart wrote:
| What you call luck, I'd call magic. The important thing
| to understand about magic tricks is they're really not
| all that magical once you learn how to perform them.
| People are also willing to overlook a great deal when
| they believe you're a luckbringer. My manager for
| instance cared about me on a personal level because I was
| contributing to his success. When the VP took me away, it
| weakened him.
| sillysaurusx wrote:
| How do you do that when your manager always considers you
| an unreliable risk?
|
| I think you're dramatically underestimating how much it
| matters to be punctual in the vast majority of companies,
| regardless of whether your code output is reliable.
| csdvrx wrote:
| Then you find a new manager, in a different team maybe,
| who aligns with your values and respect your strengths.
| There are many different types of people in any company.
| It takes 2 to tango, and I'm sure one of these managers
| will be delighted to find someone just like them!
|
| As for punctuality, there are many people who are
| punctual but couldn't code their way out of paperback,
| let alone fight they way out of a soaking wet one :)
|
| Guess who'll be brought in to the rescue when they
| predictibly fail?
|
| Your perspective matters a lot. It will color your
| actions. Punctuality or even code reliability ultimately
| doesn't matter. What matters is if you can bring more
| money to the company, one way or another. If you are
| doing sales meetings, it may be punctuality. If you are
| doing tech work on the core infrastructure, it may be
| code reliability. Find your own niche, surrounded by
| people who like you and need the unique strengths you
| bring to the table.
| sillysaurusx wrote:
| As someone who is at least reasonably productive and
| competent, who suffers from a medical condition that
| forces me to live in the reality you say is trivial, let
| me assure you that if you could switch places with me for
| one year, you wouldn't write this. The inaccuracies are
| so overwhelming that it's hard to correct it, and there's
| also no point in having that conversation with someone
| who believes these things so strongly.
|
| By the way, sign up at http://www.hnreplies.com/ and you
| never have to worry about missing replies, or use karma
| as a reply indicator.
| csdvrx wrote:
| > suffers from a medical condition that forces me to live
| in the reality you say is trivial
|
| LOL
|
| You know nothing about me! A meeting before 11a has about
| 20% chances I will attend, tops. And even if, by chance,
| I happen to be there, I won't have much to contribute
| before my 2nd redbull.
|
| Yet, somehow, I've found a way to make it work, by
| focusing on my strengths and what I can bring to the
| table, and moving myself to the right environment.
|
| So I'm telling you, your perspectives limit you. Several
| people also have tried to tell you. But it seems you want
| to ignore that, maybe in a desire to be in the right
| because the alternative might be threatening to your self
| identity/the wisdom of your past decisions?
|
| It may seem harsh for me to tell that, but some people
| like to double down on their errors, as (re)claiming
| agency can be frightening at first.
|
| Well, whatever, if you are like that, and it works for
| you, why not?
|
| > By the way, sign up at http://www.hnreplies.com/ and
| you never have to worry about missing replies, or use
| karma as a reply indicator.
|
| I'm way too lazy for that :) It kinda works this way
| (unless when I forget what the karma was at the day
| before, oopsies), and HN is not important enough to me to
| make it worth being distracted by email/push
| notifications.
|
| Maybe one day dang or someone will add a colored
| notification, a bit like reddit?
|
| That I could use!
| sillysaurusx wrote:
| Nah, your perspective doesn't bother me. Minorities and
| disabled people are used to ignorance, so it's no
| surprise you're doubling down.
|
| I do feel that the most productive course of action is to
| end this conversation, though. There are more enjoyable
| ways to spend one's birthday.
|
| Suffice to say, I have no identity. But if one day you
| were to go blind, and then listen to someone telling you
| with a straight face that it really doesn't matter,
| you'll feel what I felt in this thread.
|
| "Think of me~~ Think of me fond-ly, when we say good-
| bye~~ Remember me, once in awhile~~ please promise me
| you'll try~~" as the song goes.
| mancerayder wrote:
| I've been building systems for years in numerous places.
| Have you never experienced a political situation where a
| decision is made in these systems you describe as
| beautiful and poetic, that is not your own and yet due to
| organisational structures you must obey? I am curious
| given your attachment how you handle these. They're
| standard political issues in organizations larger than a
| few people.
| jart wrote:
| My attachment? That aside, I think what you're asking is
| really simple. Relationships and empires are built on
| compromise. When you work a job you should agree with the
| stated objectives of your bosses. If you've got those
| bases covered, and it's a healthy environment too, then
| nothing should surprise you.
| TigeriusKirk wrote:
| Reading this made me realize I've written code that's no
| only older than a lot of people reading this, it's still
| being sold to new customers.
| jart wrote:
| That's really impressive. What's the code? Something like
| that sounds like it could be a really inspirational
| success story.
| TigeriusKirk wrote:
| It's not that inspirational in reality. I worked for a
| company that produced software for banks converting their
| systems over to Windows in the 90s. The resulting
| packages are still being sold to new financial
| institutions by the company that bought the company that
| bought the company that bought the company I worked for
| at the time. Heh. One of my old coworkers there still
| makes some decent money as a consultant supporting it.
|
| I also worked on some ATM software at the same company,
| but it was pre-windows and I doubt it's running many
| places, much less being sold still.
| jart wrote:
| I think that's inspirational. What was it, written in
| something like COBOL? I've had my codebases demolished by
| things like Express changing its API enough times that
| you might say I've got a little COBOL envy. Major respect
| to anything that's stood the test of time and continues
| to serve a useful purpose after all these years.
| gitfan86 wrote:
| The point isn't that you will never be part of something
| great. The point is to keep your stress level low in regards
| to work.
| yodsanklai wrote:
| > Start dating. It might be a drag and maybe embarrassing at
| times, but obviously not being a loser having saved up half a
| mil in 10 years, you will probably find someone.
|
| I wish that was true. For me, dating became incredibly harder
| after 40 even though my social status has considerably
| increased.
| datavirtue wrote:
| I have been happily married for decades. We have friends who
| are dating late in life. No envy here. I feel sorry for
| anyone on a dating app. What a shit show.
| ohwellhere wrote:
| I'm coming into it at 40 now that I'm far enough past
| divorce that I'm not an absolute wreck.
|
| It is absolutely a shit show and was far far easier in my
| 20s.
| bradlys wrote:
| It's a shit show for most any straight man. Dating is
| something you'll have to relegate to the old real world as
| a straight man. Too many straight men on dating apps. The
| apps know how to drain men of their money.
|
| Better to try real life methods - even though they are
| incredibly difficult and resoundingly terrible overall too.
| The most difficult part could just be getting in front of
| someone you find attractive - dating apps make it
| relatively easy to find the attractive ones even if they
| put them behind a paywall.
| urban_strike wrote:
| > I have a hard time to see any relevance in a life without
| children anymore.
|
| In my view, having kids is a great way to take off the
| existential pressure of life being meaningless, by just having
| a default "do it for them" answer to every single question or
| hardship in life. And what then will give your child's life
| such a straightforward meaning? Well, just have kids of their
| own I guess, and their kids the same, all the way down,
| forever.
|
| It always seems like a bit of a cop out to me. "Life is empty
| and meaningless, so I'll just have kids, let that fill up all
| my time, and maybe they can figure it out." I suppose that
| could be the history of humanity in a nutshell.
| scyzoryk_xyz wrote:
| I've noticed that everyone with kids tends to do two things:
| one is that they get along with other people who've had kids
| and they use that to create instant bonds of mutual
| understanding. And the other is that they take opportunities
| to convince those without kids to get kids. While I don't
| take offense, I do feel that there is usually an implication
| in there that someone without kids is somehow less
| trustworthy or less of a 'good' type of person, or inferior
| even.
|
| It's definitely a cop out. There are probably as many
| assholes with kids as there are without kids in this world.
| tonguez wrote:
| Having someone who is dependent on you definitely makes you
| important, whether that's kids or your dying grandmother or
| something else. But creating that dependency explicitly as a
| means to feel important is just weird.
|
| "I have a hard time to see any relevance in a life without
| children anymore."
|
| Consider the fact that Chinese slaves made everything you
| own, and are wearing. Isn't that worth caring about? Wouldn't
| it be "relevant" to try improve that situation?
|
| In this person's mind, a person without kids who is trying to
| solve the problem of human slavery, is living an "irrelevant
| life". It goes to show you how stupid the average person is,
| including the average parent.
| alisonkisk wrote:
| wnolens wrote:
| It's not a cop out it's just a way out.
|
| If video games, side projects, promotions, rock climbing,
| travel, etc. work for you, then go for it.
|
| But I think for most, those fade. Kids are an investment that
| pays dividends forever.
| mfashby wrote:
| It definitely does give you a default answer to keep going.
| And I don't think thats a terrible thing.
|
| I was lucky to have a great childhood. Becoming a parent is
| one route to giving someone else a great childhood. Lots of
| humans derive a feeling of meaning from giving good things to
| other humans, whatever form that might take. Parenthood isn't
| the only way to do this, of course.
|
| Also, eventually one generation might figure it all out. We
| can only keep going and find out!
| tharne wrote:
| > It always seems like a bit of a cop out to me. "Life is
| empty and meaningless, so I'll just have kids, let that fill
| up all my time, and maybe they can figure it out." I suppose
| that could be the history of humanity in a nutshell.
|
| I understand the sentiment here, and prior to having children
| of my own, I would have agreed with you. But having kids
| brings tremendous meaning to one's life in a way that is
| difficult to explain - it has to be experienced. What you see
| as an infinite recursion, i.e.:
|
| have children and find meaning --> your children find meaning
| from their children --> etc., etc. etc.
|
| Being part of the ongoing chain of humanity, there's
| something beautiful about that lack of an endgame, just being
| a part of something and then passing the torch.
| acutesoftware wrote:
| Well said! Life should be what _you_ want to do - many people
| don 't have ambitions or interests, and I guess defaulting to
| the evolutionary standard of having kids is a valid response.
| vocram wrote:
| You say it like parents choose the easy explanation. But what
| if for some people the meaning of their life is to have kids?
| For sure parenting gives your life _a_ meaning. But I doubt
| people choose to have kids for that.
|
| I think the choose of having kissy it's more a mix of
| ambition, societal conventions and natural instinct.
| granshaw wrote:
| It's how we were programmed biologically and evolutionally,
| that's it.
| lexemeter wrote:
| What was the HN scrolling topic yesterday?
|
| Create something new, then tell people about it?
|
| At the very least you'll have a life-long anecdote or, at most,
| someone will write a Wikipedia bio for you by which you'll
| attract job offers, invitations to write book chapters or to
| parties enthralling potential mates.
|
| If everyone improved the world this way, no matter how small the
| refinement, the world ends up better, and as a side-effect we get
| closer to understanding everything.
| pmarreck wrote:
| I turn 50 in 2 months. (I'm as surprised as anyone.)
|
| I just had my first kid, a son, 7 months ago. He is amazing. But
| also, I'll be 70 when he turns 21 and that is terrifying. I'm
| hoping he keeps me young :)
|
| A few years ago I ditched Ruby and went into Elixir. It's been
| amazing. I don't know what kind of self-limiting BS you're
| telling yourself but you sound like you're just in a rut and need
| to change your surroundings. Plus, 2 years of COVID is a drag on
| _anyone 's_ psyche.
|
| I love gaming. Gaming's been better than it has ever been.
|
| I also love EDM. Same story, the fact that recommendation engines
| know my taste SO well means I don't have to lose touch. I'm still
| listening to songs that came out a week ago on a regular basis.
|
| I too have some money saved, and some early startup work has
| started to pay off. So I'm currently working on a business plan
| (very hard as I have some ADHD) to start a business, I think I
| have enough industry time to pull it off and I'd love mentoring
| people.
|
| Find your thrill, sleep well, exercise, etc. etc. Make sure you
| don't have seasonal affective disorder. Good luck
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