[HN Gopher] When my wife developed Alzheimer's, the story of our...
___________________________________________________________________
When my wife developed Alzheimer's, the story of our marriage kept
us connected
Author : rmbryan
Score : 295 points
Date : 2022-01-19 12:46 UTC (10 hours ago)
(HTM) web link (thewalrus.ca)
(TXT) w3m dump (thewalrus.ca)
| mastazi wrote:
| The page is currently down but it's archived here
| https://web.archive.org/web/20220119171102/https://thewalrus...
| ncmncm wrote:
| This may be a good place to mention that a huge study [0]
| conducted over 6 years with tens of thousands of US Veterans
| Administration patients found that having a recent Tdap
| vaccination predicted a 40% lower incidence of dementia. This was
| confirmed with an independent cohort.
|
| You hardly need any reason to go get your Tdap booster. Any faint
| possibility that it might stave off dementia ought to be enough
| by itself. Get your shingles vaccine, too, while you're there.
| And, get prescribed some valacyclovir: studies in Asia have shown
| that had a desirable effect, with no risk.
|
| [0] doi:10.1093/gerona/glab115, https://sci-
| hub.se/10.1093/gerona/glab115
| gioele wrote:
| Related to this topic (spouse with Alzheimer), there is a
| touching story by Alice Munro: "The Bear Came Over the Mountain",
| the closing story of the book "Hateship, Friendship, Courtship,
| Loveship, Marriage".
| xwdv wrote:
| Having such a marriage in this day and age is truly a luxury,
| reserved only for the deepest of lovers.
| aantix wrote:
| Deep love is practiced, not an accident.
|
| I've found that when I'm honest about my feelings, even the
| messy ones, honest about my thoughts, even if they don't paint
| me in a good light, my spouse hears me and eventually, accepts
| me. And it makes me fall in love all over again.
|
| It frees up my consciousness. I don't have to do the mental
| dance of "oh, you can say this, but don't say that. Say it this
| way, not that way. Don't mention this."
|
| And I have to do my best to afford her the same.
|
| You have the choice of either a 10 minute, awkward
| conversation, putting everything in on the table. But having
| your conscious cleared. Zero parallel threads running in the
| back of your mind. :)
|
| Or keep these thoughts in the back of your head for
| months/years, where you expend mental energy suppressing them,
| sacrificing your creativity, closeness, and vitality. You'll
| find yourself getting mad at seemingly superficial stuff when
| the honest truth is because you're seething or ashamed or
| afraid, with so much to say.
|
| Your choice. Choose the courageous path. Surrender the outcome.
|
| - _Learning to Speak the Microscopic Truth_
|
| https://hendricks.com/newwp/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Micro...
|
| - _Great story from Michael Brody, SAAS entrepreneur, ex-
| addict_
|
| (1. Practice Rigorous Authenticity, 2. Surrender the Outcome,
| 3. Do the Uncomfortable Work)
|
| https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_brody_waite_great_leaders_...
| aantix wrote:
| "When a person realizes they have been deeply heard, their
| eyes moisten. I think in some real sense they are weeping for
| joy. It is as though they were saying, "Thank God, somebody
| heard me. Someone knows what it's like to be me."
|
| -- Carl R. Rogers
| nvarsj wrote:
| But what you describe _is_ rare like the OP points out. For
| two people to be so honest and open and direct with each
| other requires large amounts of maturity and mutual respect
| and selflessness. Which, to be honest, is rare enough in a
| single human these days, let alone two that manage to find
| themselves together. If you have that, I'm truly envious.
| aantix wrote:
| I was addressing this statement from OP
|
| >reserved only for the deepest of lovers
|
| For some reason I interpreted this as deep love being
| random. Maybe that wasn't the intent, after re-reading it.
|
| Just wanted to demonstrate what had worked for me to
| rekindle intimacy. And that it was teachable.
|
| The book "Conscious Loving" by Gay and Kaitlyn Hendricks is
| the book that talks about telling the Microscopic Truth.
| It's helped me tremendously.
|
| I enjoy their newsletter a lot. They discuss in detail many
| of the concepts in their books. And it's free.
|
| Relevant to this conversation -
|
| _Here 's Why Sharing Your Emotions - Even The Messy, Angry
| Ones - Is Critical For A Great, Intimate Relationship_
|
| https://www.heartsintrueharmony.com/m/email/ar/truth-our-
| emo...
| granshaw wrote:
| Be honest about your feelings, but still strive to be
| deserving of her, that's what I try to practice :)
| chillacy wrote:
| > - Learning to Speak the Microscopic Truth
|
| I first encountered this idea from the Conscious Leadership
| Group (Gay Hendricks works with them), and now I can't help
| but notice that it seems to apply to HN comments (and the
| result of a given thread), as choices in the words and
| grammar of each statement.
| aantix wrote:
| Jealous that you've got to attend one of their groups.
| That's so awesome.
|
| Their work has helped my second marriage to be 10x what my
| first one was.
|
| Them teaching me to tell the difficult truths was a big
| part of that.
| bongothrowaway wrote:
| Hear, hear. I've found the same. Love, like any sort of
| relationship, takes work and compromise, but when you do it
| with honesty and candidly, it grows far more easily.
| whateveracct wrote:
| It takes GUTS to be in love
| mbg721 wrote:
| It's still possible. There are plenty of religions that insist
| it should be the default among marriages.
| iancmceachern wrote:
| Religion has nothing to do with it.
| mbg721 wrote:
| It can have something to do with it, although it doesn't
| have to.
| elzbardico wrote:
| I wonder why people downvoted you. Maybe they don't agree and
| it is fine, but why try to silence?
| coldpie wrote:
| I didn't downvote, but I always find "this day and age" kind
| of sentiments extremely eye-rolly, like things were better in
| some mythic past.
| microtherion wrote:
| Right. The comment implies that this kind of emotional
| commitment used to be the norm, which is very much a
| [citation needed] kind of claim.
|
| A bit of family lore had it that when some distant
| ancestors of mine no longer could live independently in old
| age, one child took in the husband to live with them, and
| another child, quite distant from the first one, the wife.
| My mother, upon learning of that arrangement, exclaimed how
| hard it must have been for that couple to be separated in
| their final years, only to hear "Quite the opposite! They
| couldn't stand each other for the longest time."
| keiferski wrote:
| Unless you think that things are _always_ getting better,
| it is necessarily implied that _some_ things were better in
| the past.
| [deleted]
| coldpie wrote:
| Compare these two sentences:
|
| > Having such a marriage in this day and age is truly a
| luxury, reserved only for the deepest of lovers.
|
| > Having such a marriage is truly a luxury, reserved only
| for the deepest of lovers.
|
| One contains a positive claim that something is worse now
| than it was before, which I think invites dispute and is
| entirely unnecessary anyway. It's a fine sentiment
| without the judgement.
| mlyle wrote:
| > like things were better in some mythic past.
|
| It doesn't need to mean this.
|
| We've got so much choice in how we structure our lives now.
|
| Choice mostly makes things better. Lots of bad outcomes
| become less prevalent.
|
| But some good outcomes become harder to find, and one can
| rationally have nostalgia for them.
| ChrisMarshallNY wrote:
| _> I always find "this day and age" kind of sentiments
| extremely eye-rolly, like things were better in some mythic
| past._
|
| I've encountered this sentiment, several times, lately. In
| my experience, _any_ mention of a time before now,
| especially, when they find out that I am "chronologically-
| challenged," is met by a "Don't tell me about the 'good old
| days,' Grandpa!".
|
| This day and age, seems to have established a culture of
| real, nasty, institutionalized, anger at previous
| generations. It is unlike what I experienced. Younger folks
| have railed against their seniors for all of human history,
| but now, it's _personal_.
|
| I think I understand where a lot of the anger comes from.
| My generation has caused a lot of damage, and has exhibited
| almost awe-inspiring levels of selfishness. I'm pretty
| pissed, and I'm one of them.
|
| But that ain't me. I have lived a long-ish life, and have
| developed a lot of experience and PoV, as a result. I'm a
| kind, unselfish person, looking forward to the future, and
| making the world a better place, for my having lived in it.
| Not all that is old, is bad. Much is not _directly_
| applicable to today 's world, but should not be discarded,
| wholesale. In many cases, only minor adjustments need to be
| done, in order to make a viewpoint, technique, or
| philosophy applicable to today's world.
|
| The story is a heart-wrenching one. I have many peers,
| experiencing a lot of these types of things (One of the
| things that happens, as we age). Not all of them are
| handling it as well as the author.
|
| I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but _all_ of us are
| destined to become "boomers." Every. Single. One. Of. Us.
| No exceptions. The alternative kind of sucks. One day, we
| will all be where I am. That is what makes ageism so crazy.
|
| I have been around long enough to watch some folks hoist by
| their own petard (a classic saying, BTW). They established
| a corporate culture, that eventually excluded them.
|
| https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news-in-pictures/news-
| briefly...
| coldpie wrote:
| > In my experience, any mention of a time before now,
| especially, when they find out that I am
| "chronologically-challenged," is met by a "Don't tell me
| about the 'good old days,' Grandpa!".
|
| > My generation has caused a lot of damage, and has
| exhibited almost awe-inspiring levels of selfishness.
|
| With respect, I think some self-reflection may be in
| order.
| ChrisMarshallNY wrote:
| Actually, that is not "with respect."
|
| And you have _no idea_ how much self-reflection is a
| fundamental aspect of my life. I challenge you to match
| it.
| coldpie wrote:
| I don't really want to turn the comments section of this
| lovely article into rancor, but yeah, I'm really tired of
| hearing about the "good old days" from those who gave us
| the current day; from those who refuse to cede power to
| us who will actually be here when shxt hits the fan so we
| can start the long, heavy work of fixing the problems
| that were created to give you those "good old days"; we
| who are trying to make-do in a world where those who
| enjoyed those "good old days" are hoarding every last
| resource; so those who loved those "good old days" can
| then come in here and tell us our _love_ isn 't even good
| enough? Come on, man. Your "good old days" came at the
| cost we're paying now. Give us a break and let us at
| least try to enjoy what you've left us rather than rub
| our noses in how good you had it.
|
| Gah.
|
| I apologize for this dumb thing aimed at you. I know it's
| not your fault. But I think this is what you're coming up
| against when people tell you not to tell them about the
| good old days.
| ChrisMarshallNY wrote:
| I agree. I really understand this. I even mentioned it in
| my comment. I have a rather ... _out-of-band_ ... life
| story for this venue. I didn 't dance to this age. I was
| dragged, kicking and screaming, and holding onto the door
| jams. Frankly, I'm amazed that I'm here, every day.
|
| My past is not really something I want to go back to,
| thank you very much. I prefer looking forward.
|
| I also don't want it to be rancor. If you look at my
| commenting history, here, you will find very, very
| little, and what you do find, will be fairly mild. I'm a
| reformed troll, and feel that I must atone for being an
| arsehole of the first water, for many years. I know that
| I come across as "stuffy," but believe me, when I tell
| you, that the alternative is not pleasant.
|
| But it is also important to understand that every person
| is an individual. This is something that I have to
| struggle with, every single day. It's very easy for me to
| be intellectually lazy, and dismiss whole swaths of
| people, simply because they tick one box of many.
|
| I have fast friends, that I would never have had, if I
| had insisted that they meet my litmus tests. I won't
| engage them on certain topics, but I know that we have a
| great deal of mutual respect.
|
| I participate in a community, that is ... _eclectic_. Its
| members are quite varied, and we have learned to put
| aside our differences in pursuit of a common goal. I
| really wish that the world ran this way, but it 's
| difficult work. Really humbling, but also extremely
| rewarding. A central tenet is to be of Service. I like to
| think that I've done OK, here.
|
| The article was written by an old dude that has been
| dragged through hell, but has also managed to do well for
| himself and his wife.
|
| Believe it or not, I hear stories like this almost daily.
| Very few ever make it into the mainstream, and I am a
| truly privileged person to hear them.
|
| Not all that is old is bad. Not all that is new, is good.
| The world has been damaged for a long time, and no one of
| us can fix it all, so we do our part to police our area.
|
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIAhVV9-85c
| tokai wrote:
| It's a shallow comment that doesn't add anything of value.
| mpmpmpmp wrote:
| The word luxury in this context usually implies some kind of
| privilege. Which is a strange thing to say.
| frenchy wrote:
| To be fair, it is a bit of a privilege. Like most things,
| it requires a lot of work too, but people learn humility
| and kindness from each other. Those who grow up with loving
| parents are a lot more likely to become loving parents.
| JohnWhigham wrote:
| Bitter divorcees probably. Having a marriage like that is a
| luxury though. Let's be honest: marriage is _not_ the same as
| it was 40-80 years ago, and that 's because society is not
| the same it was. Long term commitment to your spouse seems to
| be an idea left to the past now.
| SketchySeaBeast wrote:
| "Long term commitment" isn't a luxury though, it's
| dedicated effort on the part of both spouses.
| sam0x17 wrote:
| OP's economic argument is pretty sound. 40-50 years ago
| you could buy a new house, get a solid blue collar job
| with a pension, and watch your house 5x in value over the
| next 50 years. Makes it very, very easy to settle down
| with someone and start a family.
|
| In today's economy, even for the relatively well-off,
| home ownership is essentially a pipe-dream and it is much
| harder to put down roots of any kind.
|
| The second the marriage becomes hard, it's a lot easier
| to break a lease than it is to break a mortgage.
| [deleted]
| Shamii wrote:
| My grandpa had dementia due to his age.
|
| When I visited him for the last time he knew who I was.
|
| But he clearly repeated very similar behavior patterns.
|
| He also showed clear signs of not remembering 'state'. Like time
| or location.
|
| It was very hard for me because that gave me the feeling that he
| as a person was gone.
|
| I cried after that for a while and it was basically me saying
| good bye .
|
| My sister didn't see it like that. She didn't mind doing a
| sleepover and having her daughter with her. My mother also
| glanced over that. My other sister agreed on my thoughts.
|
| I liked that she didn't see it like that and spend time with him
| but I could not do that.
|
| Of course I might be wrong. I don't assume I know how he thought
| but what else to assume?
|
| I don't think I could do that if my wife started to show similar
| pattern.
| baskethead wrote:
| It's a lovely story, but quite honestly, Alzheimer's/dementia is
| a shitshow. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and there are
| many people I despise. There is nothing crueler than dementia.
|
| My mom is suffering through dementia right now. We did something
| similar. We made photo albums, and went through them every day,
| until my mom stopped responding to them. Within a couple of
| years, she forgot who we were, or she would mix up my sister for
| her sister.
|
| After 7 years from her diagnosis, she no longer talks and she no
| longer responds to me. My sister is taking full time care of her,
| and she is cleaning her several times a day because she's
| incontinent. My mom recently has stopped swallowing. She also
| seems to have contracted a mild case of COVID, and my sister has
| been self-flagellating herself because she felt guilty about it.
| I of course told my sister there's no reason to feel guilty,
| everyone is getting it and it's something everyone will deal
| with, especially my mom. I secretly wish it would take my mom's
| life to end her misery.
|
| The worst part in the first few years were her lucid moments.
| During one of those moments she wrote a letter to God, asking to
| die, because she knew something was wrong but she didn't know
| what. We found the letter hidden in her dresser. Every time I
| think about it, I burst out in tears, even now. It's disgustingly
| cruel for someone who spend her entire life sacrificing her life
| for her kids and family, and asking nothing else.
|
| So when articles like this come out, it is extremely difficult to
| contain my contempt at any stories that don't paint the picture
| exactly how it is: a complete and utter shitshow. It's unfair for
| the victim and it's unfair for the caretakers. And it's extremely
| expensive and almost impossible to keep your loved one living in
| a modicum of dignity.
| supperburg wrote:
| Your contempt is absolutely justified. I went through something
| similar myself. These people, who have absolutely no voice, are
| the victims of the virtue signaling, moral crusading army of
| idiots who are very happy to tell people like us that it's
| wrong to want to die or to help someone to die. They sell today
| for tomorrow. They trade in the suffering of thousands so that
| they don't have to confront reality or say something
| unbecoming. It's truly infuriating because this results in real
| and profound suffering. When someone is in need of death, and
| is writing letters to god for a merciful death, what
| societal/cultural mechanisms are there to fall on? None! It's a
| fucking disgrace and a stain on the human race that such
| conditions are allowed to go on. Truly on a stain on us.
|
| It just boggles my mind that the moral crusaders scream
| endlessly about ending the suffering of these people or those
| people... and yet they do nothing to end the suffering of
| millions who are right in their back yard and who's suffering
| can be ended relatively quickly and easily through very simple
| legislation, awareness and education. It's the lowest hanging
| fruit and yet it goes unpicked.
|
| And there is a large skilled nursing industry that is very
| happy to profit from it all...
| Baeocystin wrote:
| My mother went through the same, and my feelings echo your own.
|
| There is absolutely nothing good about losing a loved one to
| dementia. It is constant pain, for years.
|
| I still remember the first time my Mom flinched in fear as I
| went to give her a hug, as she didn't recognize me. Her
| greatest fear was losing her mind, and it happened, and there
| was nothing any of us could do about it. It was a mercy when
| her body passed, as everything she was had died, inch by
| inevitable inch, years before. It was cruel, horrible,
| everything.
| arrty88 wrote:
| Please look at the new treatment options in clinical trials.
|
| https://www.linkedin.com/posts/scott-whitt-9b1261_cassava-sc...
| debdut wrote:
| You made me smile today :)
| smoyer wrote:
| For those of you who are younger and perhaps haven't experienced
| it, forget the movie version of true love. This story is a much
| better example - it's imperfect, illogical, sometimes downright
| gritty and yet it persists (with bouquets of flowers spread
| throughout).
| kgin wrote:
| It's beautiful to read even as someone older who hasn't
| experienced it. I'm terribly jealous.
| srvmshr wrote:
| > It's hard to accept the possibility that Judy may have
| completely forgotten about me, but a lifetime of living with
| disability has shown me how delicate human bodies and minds can
| be, how little it can take to dramatically, traumatically alter--
| or end--lives. Two rogue bones in my neck. Plaque on my beloved's
| brain. Great love stories begin with such heady promise and end
| with such sadness and grief--but, at least in my case, also with
| memories of immense joy throughout a muscular marriage of two
| strong, supportive partners with challenges aplenty.
|
| So poignantly expressed. I am usually skeptical of 'true love',
| but these kind of stories remind me I could be so utterly wrong.
| It is rare to find people as committed to each other as Judy &
| Steve.
| nefitty wrote:
| I love my wife a lot. She's like my shadow, evidence that the
| sun is in the sky.
|
| If she got really sick I would stay with her and care for her.
| A huge chunk of that is because I'm attached to her, the little
| human pattern that the universe mumbles out. The other mind
| that looks at me and convinces me I actually exist.
|
| I personally think it's irresponsible to set up these weird
| transcendental expectations. If anyone reading this has yet to
| fall in love or be in a long term relationship, it's all
| flowery and cute and lovey at first and then one day you fart
| for the first time in front of her. There's like, non-
| subjectively evident demands that you agree to impose on
| yourself when becoming a union. Physical. Social. Emotional.
|
| I would not leave my wife if her mind was gone. Besides my
| irrational human attachment, I can't imagine putting my family,
| her family, our friends, through the experience of seeing her
| be abandoned by her life partner. Of having them experience
| evil unmask itself through the act of relegating her to a meat
| body, which we all are.
|
| I don't know why I felt such a strong urge to express my
| cynicism. I don't believe in souls, I guess is part of it. I
| also don't like when people get hyped into expecting the
| universe from others. My wife loves me deeply, I feel it when
| she randomly puts her head on my shoulder or I catch her
| staring at me. She would also yell at me in embarrassment if I
| farted loudly next to her at the grocery store.
| srvmshr wrote:
| Very well put. My remark about 'true love' was this exact
| cynicism. And like you, I mirror the exact same feelings for
| my wife. The Mills & Boone type of romances do not exist in
| real life. Deep love is crafted incrementally each day of
| being together, like an old oak tree sinking its roots ever
| deeper.
|
| It is perhaps the gravitas and wordsmanship which makes the
| author's story remarkable. It exposed us to his thought
| process, and the minutae of his feelings. As a thinking
| species, we perhaps appreciate this expressivity. These
| adversities are more common than depicted & many couples with
| disabilities do share meaningful time together.
| nefitty wrote:
| Yes for sure. I hope I did not diminish those experiences.
| It is really awesome to be in love. I understand its sway.
|
| I appreciate how we almost reflexively communicate about
| those emotions in bits of poetry. They splay out in so many
| directions, it's like we're picking fruits from an orchard
| and showing each other what we discover. It's really nice
| to get to be in the orchard.
| gernb wrote:
| My 1st girlfriend's mom told me "never marry someone you
| can't fart in front of". My sister easily farts (and laughs)
| in front of her husband. In fact for Christmas he was given a
| plaque that says "I didn't fart, my ass blew you a kiss"
| nefitty wrote:
| Hahaha that's the true love they don't make Disney movies
| about
| diskzero wrote:
| My wife was diagnosed with lymphoma and brain cancer last
| December and passed this October. I watched her weaken,
| spring back when a therapy worked, descend into near death
| when a therapy failed and eventually see her mind and body
| destroyed by cancer. I hated the illness, the workload, the
| stress and then unending anxiety of knowing there was little
| chance of a recovery.
|
| I never thought of leaving or not caring for her, just as I
| am sure she would have never left me if I was in the same
| situation. Was this because of a deep love, a result of
| thirty years spent building a life and habits together, civic
| and marital duty or some combination of all of these? The
| thought of not caring for someone in her situation so close
| to me is anathema.
|
| Concerning diseases that reduce ones mental acuity; every
| time she would lose the ability to speak or understand, it
| was crushing. She would often regain some functionality, but
| each time something was lost. In her final days, she would
| sometimes regain consciousness and speak to me, but couldn't
| understand what she was saying. This is/was one of the most
| distressing things for me to experience. I often sit and
| wonder what it was she wanted to tell me and how I will never
| know.
| testfoobar wrote:
| I am sorry for your loss.
| nefitty wrote:
| Jesus. There's no words. My heart breaks.
|
| Thank you for giving us your thoughts. I hope to live up to
| the standard you set with the clearly towering love you
| shared with your wife. I'm dumb, young, unwise so I'll dare
| to presume: I am certain she would have told you how
| important you are to her, how much she loves you and how
| thankful she was that you shared your life with her.
|
| Sorry, I try not to be emotional. Especially on a forum
| like HN where rationality and clarity of thought seem to be
| the M.O. Its impossible to imagine what you've gone through
| and what you're going through. I send you a huge, digital,
| hairy man hug my dude.
| diskzero wrote:
| Thanks for the insight. I like to think that you are
| right!
|
| Thanks for the hug. It is much appreciated.
| pomian wrote:
| I do not believe it is rare. I think that it is the same with
| bad news and tragedy, the news reports only those. Behind all
| the sad stories, the frustrated stories, and everything else
| that is loud, there is a quiet passion that supports the world.
| It quietly goes on, without disturbing the neighbors, or making
| headlines. It's not easy, it's not painful, but it perseveres.
| All around you. In the background.
| dijonman2 wrote:
| I have heard about a man who remained unmarried his whole
| life, and when he was dying, ninety years old, somebody asked
| him, "You have remained unmarried your whole life, but you
| have never said what the reason was. Now you are dying, at
| least quench our curiosity. If there is any secret, now you
| can tell it, because you are dying; you will be gone. Even if
| the secret is known, it can't harm you." The man said, "Yes,
| there is a secret. It is not that I am against marriage, but
| I was searching for a perfect woman. I searched and searched,
| and my whole life slipped by." The inquirer asked, "But upon
| this big earth, so many millions of people, half of them
| women, couldn't you find one perfect woman?" A tear rolled
| down from the eye of the dying man. He said, "Yes, I did find
| one." The inquirer was absolutely shocked. He said, "Then
| what happened? Why didn't you get married?" And the old man
| said, "But the woman was searching for a perfect husband."
|
| Osho - The Dhammapada: The Way of the Buddha
| arcticfox wrote:
| Osho is just relating a fable here, but I love that guy's
| way with words. No surprise that his cult community
| (Rajneeshpuram) was a massive (albeit short-lived) success
| in my home state, he's just so fascinating to listen to. If
| anyone is curious, there are a lot of videos of him on
| Youtube.
|
| From Wiki:
|
| > Ultimately though, as an explicitly "self-parodying"
| guru, Rajneesh even deconstructed his own authority,
| declaring his teaching to be nothing more than a "game" or
| a joke.
|
| Perhaps that's why, as an atheist, I find him so
| fascinating - he covers a lot of genuinely useful and
| interesting ground (meditation, philosophy) while never
| seeming to take it too seriously.
| jborichevskiy wrote:
| Beautifully put :) the background radiation of love
| rxhernandez wrote:
| I think the divorce rate starkly points in a different
| direction.
| NineStarPoint wrote:
| There is no doubt that bad marriages are common. That
| doesn't mean that true love is rare though. The question of
| how many of the marriages that do stay together are good
| marriages is somewhat separate.
| [deleted]
| spoonjim wrote:
| True love exists, but it's something that's made, not found.
| S_A_P wrote:
| True love is something that takes work. Sure some people mesh
| better than others, and if you picked your mate mostly on
| aesthetics you may realize that having someone you like to look
| at is not the way to sustain a multi decade relationship. I
| think when it comes to a partner, you have to just decide that
| you are always willing to meet them where they are. Its not
| always where you want them to be either. The flipside of course
| is that your partner should feel the same way and be willing to
| endure your ups and downs
| wnolens wrote:
| > you have to just decide that you are always willing to meet
| them where they are. Its not always where you want them to be
|
| Wise, thanks. That very concisely captures what I've been
| coming around to understanding about having relationships
| with anyone. I've had it easy with best friends that were so
| similar (because we grew up together), but life is long(ish)
| and people change and grow apart. Even if you have a a
| relationship that is on easy-mode, it will change for a
| sufficiently long time-horizon (marriage).
| mrpf1ster wrote:
| I guess I'm gonna be a little teary eyed this morning. Fantastic
| writing.
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