[HN Gopher] Ask HN: How did you move on from past experiences?
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Ask HN: How did you move on from past experiences?
I recently put an end to a drawn-out and stressful chapter of my
life. It lasted many years and I'd like to get a sense of closure.
Yet I can't seem to fully rekindle the same energy of my younger
self. I've bought a couple of books to celebrate, but I haven't
opened them yet because I don't want to _taint_ them with past
memories, if it makes sense. How did you close the previous
chapters of your life? It may sound strange but I almost feel I
have to _ask for permission_ to move on. Like it 's not real unless
I share it with someone else.
Author : Red_Tarsius
Score : 189 points
Date : 2021-12-31 14:03 UTC (8 hours ago)
| beaconstudios wrote:
| It's no silver bullet, but focusing on the present and moving
| forwards is the goal, and a tool that can help a lot of people
| with that is mindful meditation. The thing you want to try to
| avoid is dwelling on the past and getting stuck in analysing what
| could've gone differently. Try to forge new memories and a new
| life to distance yourself from that negative experience. I wish
| you all the best and hope you can find the way that works for
| you.
| siva2022 wrote:
| 1. Write your feelings 2. Travel Alone 3. See the life around
| people where you travel 4. Do things you loved to do but could
| not do 5. Eat less, Sleep on time, Travel to get new positive
| vibes 6. Be kind to others, Give smiles and kindness wherever
| possible 7. Volunteer for service and connect with people
| smitty1e wrote:
| Prayerfully:
|
| * Dispassionately consider life in general and the circumstances
| that led to the chapter.
|
| * Forgive those who did wrong. Pray specifically for the
| wrongdoers. This seems strange but is powerful.
|
| * Confess and repent of non-positive inputs you offered.
|
| * Note the Nietzschean effects of being more diamond-like for all
| the heat and pressure.
| kleer001 wrote:
| In addition to all the other great advice and heart felt sharing
| here I would add:
|
| Do some research into the composition of the human mind and
| heart. Basically train to be a clinical psychiatrist. I know it
| sounds like a lot, but I don't mean to aim to be a professional,
| but more of a survey of the subjects would help. Mostly help
| inasmuch as knowing how your and most everyone elses minds,
| hearts, and souls work and how they can heal.
|
| There's lot of models. From Jungian to whatever they all point to
| the same mystery. Dive into that.
|
| The unexamined life, and all that...
| whiplash451 wrote:
| A few things that helped in my case:
|
| - Set up a notebook and write your thoughts down on a regular
| basis. Read your past notes and learn to be kind to yourself.
|
| - Find a new endeavor that gets you "in the flow", that you truly
| enjoy doing
|
| - Find a trustworthy person you can talk to once in a while
|
| - Train your brain to generate positive thoughts by writing down
| 3 things you should be greatful for, every day. It will be
| mechanical at the beginning but will become more natural over
| time.
|
| - Proactively remove things that make you unhappy. Find the worse
| offender today and remove it. Then move on to the next offender,
| etc.
|
| Like others said: there is no quick fix. But you can do it. Best
| of luck to you.
| rtkaratekid wrote:
| I found myself having to come to terms with the fact that I'm a
| different person than my "younger self" because of those
| experiences. I am very very different now. I've given myself
| permission to move on with life. I still cherish the memories of
| my past self, but I'm not that anymore and it's just time to step
| into life on these new terms. Maybe I'll change back at some
| point? But I certainly don't have to. I've found just such...
| power? In being able to move on in life. I try to not disregard
| the importance of the past, but from my perspective right now,
| the present is the most important and relevant part of our life.
| zackmorris wrote:
| I sympathize 1000%.
|
| The last 20 years have been very hard on me as a software
| developer and environmentally/politically conscious person. I've
| watched just about everything not work out the way I had hoped
| for. I believe that we've hit an inflection point where enough
| people have realized that the emperor has no clothes that we have
| a real chance to start over and correct our course.
|
| I don't know how to help with your specific situation, but I can
| share mine. I went to college from 1995-1999 and it was similar
| to movies like PCU, Hackers, Dazed and Confused. I got to watch
| the internet go mainstream, which I wouldn't trade for anything.
| Anyone could make money then doing web development, and I was
| working on a shareware game business. It was just such an alive
| time, vivid in my memory. The future was so bright we had to wear
| shades.
|
| Then the DMCA. The Dot Bomb. Bush v. Gore. 9/11. The PATRIOT Act.
| Middle East wars. Who Killed the Electric Car. The death of
| research. Outsourcing. Privatization. 100,000 US factories
| closed. The student loan crisis/bankruptcy exception. The housing
| bubble. Underemployment. Wealth inequality. Clinton-Trump.
| COVID-19. Billionaires..
|
| In the hangover of the early 2000s, I felt guilty for partying it
| up in the 90s and ended up moving furniture for 3 years to
| support my floundering shareware business. Which shook my faith
| in humanity and almost broke me. Then a good friend passed which
| gave me PTSD. I was in financial ruin by the 2010s. Worked a
| bunch of dead end jobs under continuous burnout and depression to
| survive. Almost found myself homeless a few times. I continued
| self-flagellating all the way until the 2020 pandemic, when
| finally the whole world seemed to break too.
|
| Now a lot of people landed on either side of these issues and
| hundreds more. Half the people reading this won't share my
| context or conclusions. But as a whole, I feel that the last 20
| years have been a textbook example of what not to do. They're the
| dying gasp of 20th century thinking. For a long time, I felt that
| they ruined my life.
|
| But all trauma all the time is no way to live one's life.
|
| I've been going through a healing and growth process due to some
| health issues, a spiritual awakening and a dark night of the
| soul.
|
| Now I see:
|
| Faith, hope and love. Service to others. The divinity of all
| living things. Communication. Boundaries. Mindfulness.
| Meditation. A forgiving and supportive inner monologue. Showing
| up for yourself so that you can show up for others.
|
| I have my sights set on solarpunk, decommodification, basically
| lengthening my runway outside of the status quo because I no
| longer believe that tech as we conceive it now serves the human
| condition. Somewhat ironically, we've become slaves to idiology
| and dogma under this secular system.
|
| My current approach looks like listening for anxiety when I'm
| troubled by a choice, and leaning into the choice that expands
| possibility. So many of our choices each day are in conflict with
| what we feel is our life's purpose. But I've found that when I
| make the choice aligned with my heart, reality reforms around me
| to support it. Now I look back and see that much of my suffering
| was due to my own attachments, that I held on too tightly and
| dwelled on the negative, and didn't see the miracle of life
| unfolding. I didn't know that we had the power to manifest our
| dreams.
|
| When in doubt, it's good to turn attention from doing to
| listening for a calling. That's where I found my faith again.
|
| It's been a hard two decades, I still get overwhelmed and
| exhausted sometimes, but I truly feel optimism for the future in
| spite of everything looming over us and the planet. Hope
| something in this helps you give yourself the permission we all
| deserve, to start over again and be here now in this moment
| together.
| jkereako wrote:
| I used self-examination to understand the value in my past
| experiences. Once I found the meaning in the experience, I was
| able to forgive myself and others and move on. I even became
| thankful for having that experience. The key is to ask yourself
| questions you are afraid to ask.
|
| I learned this habit by reading the Platonic dialogues. I read
| them carefully and in doing so, I began to apply the Socratic
| method to myself.
| mmcgaha wrote:
| Immerse yourself in something that has a low cognitive load (or
| at least a smooth ramp up). Watches, pens, guns, calculators,
| retro computers, model trains, civil war history . . . you get
| the idea. Geeking on a single topic is therapeutic.
| KennyFromIT wrote:
| Pain and simple: become busy doing something else.
| temp0826 wrote:
| Kambo and ayahuasca are great (in my experience) for letting go
| of past traumas and old/stuck ways of thinking. They'll meet you
| halfway; as with any therapy you do need to be willing to do the
| work and resolve the issues.
| aszantu wrote:
| Byron Katie's work. It can feel tedious but it's the fastest way
| I know to deal with pain
| emersonrsantos wrote:
| You dissolve the memory of it, also known as forgetting. It's not
| real, it was a mental form created by your mind. It cease to
| exist if you stop to feed it.
|
| If you are overwhelmed by your mind, try to use it less and
| instead use your emotion, use your body (walk, exercise, ...).
| IAmPym wrote:
| Life doesn't exist in clear boundaries. You don't move on from
| anything, you are a new you. It took me 12 years to recover from
| a close loved one taking her life and I got every piece of awful
| advice you can possibly get. Every piece well meaning, but not
| from people who understood
|
| If it feels like trauma to you, it changes you. Eventually you
| will realize that it gave you skills that you will cherish for
| nobody else has them, but also habits that are no longer useful
| and you need to retrain
|
| That feeling of wanting to ask for permission is your body and
| mind's way of saying 'maybe you should just sit down and listen
| before we choose what to do next'
|
| It will take time but you will be stronger for it
| rubyist5eva wrote:
| Time heals all wounds. Part of it is also to just "fake it till
| you make it". Throw yourself headlong into things, and even if
| you feel like you are dwelling on the past just act as if you
| aren't.
|
| I would be lying if I said that every traumatic event in my life
| has been left in the past. Some things still linger and creep up
| on me from time to time. You learn to live with it and accept it.
| Don't beat yourself up for being human. Take whatever time you
| need to grieve but try to not let is consume your life and
| identity.
|
| It really is a skill to learn as you age and mature, and it takes
| practice.
| intellectronica wrote:
| I've been in similar situations and it was both really hard and
| eventually possible to move on and continue growing and
| developing. There is no simple answer. What is required is
| balancing accepting and integrating the past experience with
| actually moving on and doing new things. You can't have one
| without the other, and you can't rush things. Rather, you end up
| advancing one step at a time across both fronts. It often takes
| longer and requires more effort than you would have liked, so
| being ready for a long run is important.
|
| Accepting and integrating the past means approaching it neither
| through rumination nor through avoidance, but with as full
| awareness as possible and some distance and perspective. Learning
| whatever there is to learn. Making peace with whatever happened
| (and most importantly with yourself). Your past will forever be
| your past, you will never be able to change it, so better get
| comfortable with that.
|
| Doing new things, living a new life, that's easier said than
| done, but can also be fun and empowering when you're ready. As
| the saying goes, today is the first day of the rest of your life.
| Exciting! But to avoid "contaminating" your future with your
| past, you really need to also accept and integrate that past. If
| you don't, the choices you make and patterns you establish might
| be dominated by that past experience.
|
| Some people can do this all by themselves. Many don't. If you're
| not sure, assume that you are one of those people who can benefit
| from getting help and support from a qualified professional. Many
| people who did will report that this is one of the best
| investments they made in their lifetime.
| binarymax wrote:
| Lots of good advice already. Time is necessary. I'll also add
| exercise and meditation. And not light stuff - real heavy hard
| exercise and deep long focused meditation. I'd also suggest
| getting out and meeting new people, but it's not quite
| appropriate given the pandemic. Best of luck to you!
| pezzana wrote:
| > ... It may sound strange but I almost feel I have to ask for
| permission to move on. Like it's not real unless I share it with
| someone else.
|
| Why not do that? Share it with someone else.
| eloisius wrote:
| The past hounds you more the more recent of a memory it is. The
| best way move past it is to start making new memories. Have new
| experiences and it will eventually become a distant memory that
| you can observe more objectively rather than emotionally. A
| chapter doesn't really end until you start a new one.
|
| I don't have any one big trauma that I had to get past in life,
| but many painful experiences like the death of a loved one,
| painful breakup, etc. have taught me to move forward by moving
| forward. When I feel it's time to turn a page, I usually spend a
| lot of time journaling so that my future self will be able to do
| this even better. I follow a new whim without trying to fit it
| into the confines of my current life. Learn something new, try a
| new job, move to a new country. I try to do something big enough
| to alter my sense of personal identity.
| igetspam wrote:
| I think one of the first keys to moving on is talking to someone
| who you trust to listen. I can imagine a number of scenarios that
| can fit into the rather generic question you've put forth.
| Unfortunately, not everything can be solved in the same way, so
| lacking details to understand what you're struggling with means
| there's not really much advice that can be given to help. Find a
| friend, a loved one or a professional and open up to them. If
| you're not used to that, go with a professional. While they're
| paid to listen, they're training to be as unbiased as possible
| and that can make you feel less vulnerable.
|
| My blanket approach is to get a hair cut (I do it rarely), take a
| few personal days to reflect (often trying to avoid speaking
| aloud entirely, so I can work on my inner dialog), cry a bit (if
| warranted) and have a few drinks a trusted friend. Cutting my
| hair is a way for me to mark a fresh start, so it's mostly just
| ceremonial.
|
| Then try and find something to lift you out of your funk. Change
| career paths. Learn a new skill. Find something exciting.
| spsesk117 wrote:
| This is excellent advice. I just wanted to add, don't
| underestimate the haircut. I've used this strategy several
| times to make clear dividing lines in between various periods
| of my life. For me creates a strangely tangible distinction
| between what are ultimately arbitrary points from the outside
| looking in.
| SAK1230 wrote:
| I can't really give you much advice, because I'm just getting out
| of that period (now over 5 years) myself. But I do have one piece
| of advice: never let yourself, or anyone else, define you by your
| worst moments in life. Instead, define yourself by how you've
| learned from them and how that reflects in your current actions.
| Unlike most of the stuff you'll need to do to recover, this can
| be done instantly.
|
| Also, to people who suggested moving somewhere else: while I do
| agree that it can provide a bit of a spark, that's all it'll do.
| You won't become a different person just by changing places. You
| need to act on it. I made the mistake of assuming that moving
| would change more than it did until it was too late.
| saltmeister wrote:
| stavros wrote:
| Accept that it was done, that you can't fix/undo it, and that
| it's part of you now. Once you realize that, you learn from it,
| change whatever you can/want to change and move on.
|
| I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but my approach is very
| "what's done is done, no use crying over spilt milk", which I
| know people don't find helpful.
|
| I have a suspicion that the Stoics wrote about things like this,
| but reading and internalizing are very different. Still, maybe
| it'd interest you to read it.
|
| As far as habits go, it's going to be hard to move on, because
| you're used to something else. Don't feel bad about still missing
| your old life, that's normal. If you feel bad, you feel bad,
| you're entitled to your feeling. Don't beat yourself up over how
| you feel, just accept it and try to do better/take better care of
| yourself tomorrow. It's all good and you're going to be happy
| again very soon.
| sethammons wrote:
| For me, I had a lot of life changes, dramatically for the better,
| and it was hard. I recommend the book Transitions, Making Sense
| of Life's Changes. It helped me understand and think about change
| in a new way and to embrace the in-between when something ends
| before something else begins.
| bradlys wrote:
| Gonna be honest here - easiest way is to simply not think about
| it. It's incredibly difficult but that is the simplest way.
|
| I have a phrase that I used with my ex-wife and with others -
| which is - "don't dig the groove." Which is a reference of how
| your brain has grooves but also how memories and associations in
| the brain work. The more you think about them - the more
| connected and dug in they get. The best way to move on is to not
| think about it and let erosion fill in the grooves.
|
| There are various ways to get around these things but I find
| getting yourself out of what stimulates you to be most effective.
| If going to certain places reminds you of something - don't go
| there. If eating certain foods or looking at certain photos or
| answering certain questions about your life - just find ways to
| avoid those things. That may or may not be easy or simple
| depending on the associations but it is something I found to be
| effective. It might even mean not reading self-help or anything -
| tbh. Sometimes the best way to move on is to literally completely
| move on and act like you're already fully moved on and done all
| the processing. (Fake it til you make it essentially)
|
| I'm speaking as someone who has lived through a lot of trauma.
| Obsessing over it and trying to find ways to get over it never
| really worked. Especially because the only way for me to feel
| like I get over anything is that I'm now in a better position
| than I was before. So the path forward for me was incredibly
| difficult but somewhat "simple". In the same way that being able
| to move a heavy object might be simply done by lifting heavy
| weights for many years before you're able to move that heavy
| object by yourself. But there are other more effective ways but
| sometimes they just aren't accessible for you and there is a
| satisfaction/pride in just being able to do it yourself without
| any assistance or gadgets.
| skilled wrote:
| It's hard to deal with personal growth. I'm about to be 30, but
| all the way throughout my 20s I was constantly bombarded with new
| life experiences. Meeting new people, experiencing different
| cultures (travelling), finding and then losing love.
|
| I mean, it got to the point that it was so hectic (though not
| necessarily bad) that I had to abandon everything and go live
| with my family for a while so I can decompress. As it happened, a
| month after staying at my parents and Covid became a thing.
|
| I did a few changes like moving to Norway in the meantime, but
| all in all I have used this period to just do normal things and
| not worry about what happened in the past. And I can relate to
| this feeling of your "younger self", but I can say from
| experience that this "younger self" will eventually have to
| become more centered and mature.
|
| And I think that also helps to weave through life later on,
| because you learn to let go of pressure of what was or what could
| be. It's the present where all the action - or inaction -
| happens.
| loopz wrote:
| Chapters in our lives are closing and opening all the time. This
| is a happening all on its own. We get ourselves into trouble when
| we try to force events, or feelings for that matter. Especially
| when comparing ourselves with the surfaces of others, we just
| lack the capacity and omniscience to really do it. So we get our
| mind into trouble.
|
| It helps to reflect, to revisit the physical and psychic spaces,
| learn through introspection. A deeper way is through
| _integration_ and shadow-work, but it depends on how deep you
| want to go and what you need.
|
| This can happen alongside going into new chapters, pursuing new
| interests and dedications. If that's not happening, allowing some
| downtime and not being too hard on oneself, might be a respite.
| Life is not work, or something to be worked on.
|
| Learning to listening to life, might be less stressful, and
| require less of what is not sustainable longer term. But if one
| is filled and overflowing with ambition, that'll be defining.
| It's a happening either way.
| Demcox wrote:
| > How did you close the previous chapters of your life?
|
| I actively initiated a new. Not to sound like some propped-up
| self help book, but I found, from personal experience, that the
| "I" in one self absolutely needs to make a decision to move on.
| You create with your thoughts and when you decide to embark on a
| new chapter - you will move on.
|
| I've always identified stagnation/standstill as a state similar
| to death. Humans live by moving; both physically and
| mentally/psychologocially.
| wantsanagent wrote:
| Purposeful disassociation! In concentration practice / meditation
| you develop a skill of observing sensations, thoughts, and
| feelings, observing them and then reorienting your focus
| elsewhere.
|
| As part of this practice you can get really good about stepping
| outside of negative feelings. Observing them as a third party and
| developing the ability to acknowledge them without engagement,
| and the ability to refocus on something else is _very_ freeing.
| Eventually you have a reflexive reaction to distractions and
| negative thoughts that allows them to be but to slide off you and
| refocus.
| ravenstine wrote:
| You don't completely get over anything, but I have a strategy
| that has at least mitigated some of the long term damage from
| past events in my life.
|
| This will seem bizarre, but bear with me.
|
| _If I can_ , when an upsetting memory pops up, I try to find a
| reason to laugh at it, or force myself to dismissively laugh at
| it, and then I file that memory back into my brain and move on.
|
| The long-term effect of this is that to some extent I can detach
| myself from the emotions I had in the moment and just be able to
| recall these events more objectively. Because I force myself to
| laugh at events long since passed, the more I do it, the less I
| associate the memory with the original emotion. Eventually I
| don't need the strategy and can think about an incident
| rationally without spiraling out of control emotionally.
|
| Of course this may not be possible for some memories, and I don't
| necessarily recommend it. If a troubling memory involves being
| bullied, it can help, in my experience. Anything involving regret
| or guilt, not so much; in those cases it's better to make them
| right if you can and otherwise accept it.
| 55555 wrote:
| Based on my armchair understanding of how memories are recalled
| and stored, I can see how this might work very well for old
| memories associated with negative emotion. For similar, look up
| "Traumatic memory reactivation propanolol".
| gdubs wrote:
| Meditation. Amazing how quickly even a few deep breaths can make
| you aware that there really only is "now" and that past and
| future are illusions.
| taylortrusty wrote:
| I did a one week ayahuasca retreat that changed my life. Highly
| recommend if one feels stuck or has things to get through.
|
| Years of therapy also helped me.
| stanrivers wrote:
| Honestly, if your brain is still being bothered by those
| experiences, I have found it means that I have not dealt with
| those experiences enough. There is something "unfinished" with
| that experience that my brain can't figure out, so it keeps
| circle back through it. Especially for traumatic things or big
| events...
|
| I'm just an average joe with no relevant background here, but I
| think the purpose of memory is to help you go through similar
| experiences in the future more efficiently / correctly / with
| good outcomes.
|
| So I think that the brain is trying to learn from those
| experiences. And if it wont let go, you should help it. Sit down
| and write out what you are thinking. Talk out loud to yourself.
| or to someone else you trust. Think about that event a lot. Think
| about what it taught you. What you want to repeat in the future.
| What you don't. Write about it some more.
|
| At least on my end, that helps. Good luck.
| rambambram wrote:
| > Honestly, if your brain is still being bothered by those
| experiences, I have found it means that I have not dealt with
| those experiences enough. There is something "unfinished" with
| that experience that my brain can't figure out, so it keeps
| circle back through it. Especially for traumatic things or big
| events...
|
| I would like to second this. Human beings are really good in
| putting stuff away in their head and convincing themselves
| things are okay when they aren't.
| jacquesm wrote:
| Change of scene. Move to a different place where you're not
| continuously bombarded with memories. The further the better. You
| can always come back when you feel that you have found your
| balance again.
| gorgoiler wrote:
| Perhaps, without realising it, you are experiencing grief.
|
| We usually experience grief alongside death, but it is a feeling
| that can accompany many kinds loss -- a breakup with a friend, or
| moving away from an old way of life.
|
| Labels don't fix everything, but there have been times in my life
| where recognising hidden grief has been a helpful first step to
| recovery.
| satisfice wrote:
| Read "Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl
| stevenfoster wrote:
| Reading Viktor Frankl's man search for meaning really helped me.
| I also sought professional help for a time.
|
| My take away is that pain and suffering can have meaning and that
| meaning, that power of experience, can be a gift of intercession
| for others.
|
| Your last sentence is telling, "it's not real unless I share it
| with someone else." Don't wait. Time isn't the answer. No one is
| promised tomorrow. Your experience is a superpower now that can
| be a gift to another person.
|
| The golden rule is diagnostic, you will love others the way you
| love yourself.
|
| Finally, learn how to make really good tacos. I'm Mexican so I'm
| biased but maybe if you're not Mexican your people have a
| beautiful food too that you can learn how to make and share with
| others. If not, we freely have open sourced the taco for all
| peoples so feel free to start there. The gift of good food and
| caring conversation is one of the best parts of being alive.
|
| My best to you and may you be abundantly blessed.
| wolverine876 wrote:
| Here is one perspective, unvarnished:
|
| Those experiences are now part of you. Love yourself, including,
| without exception, hesitation, or restraint, the pain and scars.
| Genuinely care about them, as if they are truly important in the
| world, because they are (even if others won't see it). Someone
| wise once said to me, love them; if you try to suppress them or
| fight them or ignore them, you will be a slave to them.
|
| I'm not saying, dedicate your life to them. I'm saying that if
| you don't love them, you will dedicate your life to them. What I
| suggest will be painful - I'm not offering a panacea; facing such
| emotions is painful without qualification. IMHO a defining aspect
| of aging is that you gather those wounds and scars - you become
| fundamentally different than someone younger - and one thing that
| defines our lives is what we do with them, how we carry them with
| us. Some pull away from life, to degrees, some turn to drugs,
| some lash out, people adopt myriad coping strategies, and some
| grow and become more faceted and maybe wise, though not without
| consciously making the effort, which is challenging. I think we
| also can learn our limitations and strengths, after running full
| speed, head first into walls in youth, heedless of consequences,
| now we can know a little more and choose when, where and how.
| mef51 wrote:
| Share it with someone you trust. Trauma is disconnective,
| connection with others heals.
| murrayb wrote:
| * Seek professional help.
|
| * Build a daily routine of constructive activities (exercise,
| journal, meditate, cook etc)
|
| * Focus on creating a future you would like.
|
| * Find things to be grateful for every day.
|
| * Don't indulge in your negative thoughts; notice them,
| acknowledge them, keep going.
|
| Good luck with it, you got this.
| lbriner wrote:
| Echo: Seek professional help.
|
| You might be struggling just "because" and you need time to get
| over your experience but there might be an underlying cause
| that makes you unable to get past it (or at least makes it much
| harder). A professional can help you frame your experience and
| draw out anything unresolved.
| JohnBooty wrote:
| Build a daily routine of constructive activities
| (exercise, journal, meditate, cook etc)
|
| If anybody is struggling with this extremely positive practice,
| I have a suggestion: start with _really_ small activities. Give
| yourself credit for every victory no matter how small.
|
| When I was "between jobs" my daily routine checklist started
| with:
|
| - Get out of bed
|
| - Hydrate (at least 1L per day, 2L was a stretch goal)
|
| - Take vitamins
|
| - Brush teeth
|
| There was more on the checklist, like actual exercise and
| training projects. But having "easy wins" really helped me
| build positive momentum IME.
| nataz wrote:
| I'm surprised more people didn't recommend this. If you have
| the resources, I highly recommend some kind of professional
| help.
|
| Think of it this way. As individuals we (hopefully) have a
| limited experience set dealing with recovery from significant
| trauma. A professional will see these kinds of things on a
| regular basis, and may be able to recommend a course of action
| tailored to you and your specific circumstances.
|
| They may not be the fix, but they can be a shortcut to finding
| the path to feeling better.
| Intermernet wrote:
| There isn't a quick fix. Time is the answer.
|
| My parents were murdered 16 years ago. I spent 10 years before I
| could adequately deal with this. CBT was incredibly beneficial
| once I found the right person, but it took a long time to find
| them.
|
| The previous chapters of your life cannot be closed. They can
| only be learnt from.
|
| Remember that life is short and you can waste a lot of it in a
| bad state.
|
| Talk to friends, do memorable things, try to be a good person.
|
| Do whatever works for you, and ignore negativity. Sport,
| learning, activism, religion? Whatever works.
|
| Golden rule is don't harm yourself, and don't harm others.
| Trufa wrote:
| Low key incredible advice. Thank you.
| moralestapia wrote:
| I am truly sorry for what you had to go through, big hug to you
| and other's here sharing their stories.
|
| I'm sure you already know this, but I'd like to say it
| explicitly to others that may find it helpful as well -> never
| forget that life is an infinite display of possibilities, as
| the saying goes, _it ain 't over 'til it's over_.
|
| You can always start from scratch, there will always be new
| people/places to try new things with and your past experiences
| do NOT necessarily define what your future will be like (this
| goes both ways, so be careful).
|
| Some people make it through extremely harsh life events and,
| contrary to some dumb but widespread belief, don't come out of
| it by becoming permanently angry and resented. A big chunk of
| them become very sensitive and wise human beings, with a strong
| wish to help others going through similar grievances. Be open
| to accept their help and advice in times of need. It took me a
| while to understand this and neglecting it only made my hard
| times worse. We are a social animal and also remarkably similar
| to each other.
|
| Best wishes to all on this new year's eve, I hope you get a
| chance to treat yourselves to a nice moment and company as we
| start our 2022 together! Cheers!
| roeles wrote:
| Agree with this. Acknowledge-Forgive-Learn.
|
| What worked for me a few years ago:
|
| 1. Drop any goals you have outside of work. One day at a time.
|
| 2. Allow for extended idle time. Allow yourself to just "be".
|
| 3. Do what feels right in this idle time, which in my case was:
| - Spend lots of time in nature. Take walks. - Write
| letters to people involved in the matter. I didn't send the
| letters. - Meditate
| ycuser2 wrote:
| 10 years seems to be a good estimate how long it take to deal
| with extreme experiences.
|
| In my experience it also was 10 years since I could handle
| similar situations. I have also heard this number from others
| often.
| ljm wrote:
| I'm at 10 years now, pretty much to the week, although I
| would also say that it wasn't a linear progression from year
| 0 to now, as if you're gradually recovering from an illness.
| For every leap forward in my own process there were some
| major, _major_ regressions, right up to 2018 /2019.
|
| I'm not sure I'd call this moving on. More like learning how
| to cope, and be more resilient. The closure, if any, was I
| have what I need with myself and I don't need to get it from
| the people who hurt me. So I'm happy, all things considered.
|
| Basically sharing this to say that even if 10 years seems to
| average out, our path through it will likely be quite
| different.
| higeorge13 wrote:
| 10 years was my number as well.
| citizenpaul wrote:
| I've come to the horrible realization that the trauma part of
| the brain runs on some sort of 10 year cycle. I'm not a
| doctor but it must be some sort of memory/function/process
| that the brain slowly modifies over the course of a decade
| before it decides to move it out of daily use to long term
| memory. There doesn't seem to be anything you can do to speed
| it up either.
| stadium wrote:
| Trauma gets locked into the body too, not just the brain.
|
| EMDR therapy helps process trauma for some.
| kylesteger wrote:
| I too am resolving trauma from 10 years ago that I couldn't
| quite face
| prox wrote:
| Another golden rule I found is to stop trying to "win" , that
| is a too competitive state of mind. It creates so much stress
| and you will forget the more poetic and sensual / analog parts
| of life that can bring much contentment and sometimes joy.
|
| A bit of sportslike ambition is never wrong, just don't overdo
| it or take it too seriously.
| hangonhn wrote:
| Another vote for CBT.
|
| I had two painful periods of my life that lead to depressions.
| The first one I dealt with more or less on my own -- basically
| waiting it out. Eventually I got better and moved on but it
| took a while.
|
| The second time I went to a therapist almost immediately and
| the duration was much shorter. More importantly, the therapist
| helped unpack a lot of stuff for me and gave me a lot of tools
| for dealing with events and their associated emotions. I think
| CBT would work particularly well for this crowd since a lot of
| it is reasoning based. The basic idea, to me at least, is that
| our emotional responses can be reasoned with or about. If
| others are like me, I think some of us might harbor mistaken
| notions that we are more rational than average and thus don't
| have any misguided tendencies or thinking. CBT was a revelation
| to me. I learned to better observe my own emotions and also my
| own "thinking traps", etc. It has helped me better "manage"
| myself and prevent me from letting events drag me into another
| depression.
|
| Someone else mentioned forgiveness and that helped me a lot in
| my own recovery as well. Forgiveness can be applied to others
| and ourselves. It's ultimately a very enlightening practice.
|
| Best of luck to the OP and others dealing with pain. Closing a
| chapter on life is very hard but it can also be liberating and
| a path to other great things in life.
| bag_boy wrote:
| Sorry to hear about your parents.
|
| I agree with your point about not harming yourself. After my
| first parent died, I tried to pretend like it never happened. I
| drank heavily to ignore the pain. Drinking affected my own
| physical and mental health. It was tough to break out of that
| cycle - it took about a year.
|
| After my second parent died, I acknowledged the pain and tried
| to embrace the grief. I didn't drink or take drugs - when a
| memory came to me, I just let it ride. That was a much
| healthier grieving experience.
| ethbr0 wrote:
| If you don't mind me asking, and it isn't too painful, what
| was the thought that initiated drinking?
|
| I've always been curious, because while substance abuse
| hasn't been a feature of my life, I'm suspicious I have other
| outlets (that I'd like to recognize).
|
| So what were the steps between (daily life stuff) and (I'm
| taking that first drink)? Resignation, sadness, boredom,
| lethargy, habit? Anything that I could watch out for in my
| own life? Any insight appreciated, and glad you feel
| healthier now.
| lighthammer wrote:
| Sorry to hear this and hope others can also learn from your
| advice.
| arkitaip wrote:
| It can take years to rebound from a very stressful period. I'm
| sure this is what I experienced years ago when I quit a very
| stressful and generally bad job. Just years of not feeling
| particularly interested in anything, being alienated, etc.
| kylixz wrote:
| I just did this. It has only been a few months and I keep
| beating myself up about not being productive enough since
| quitting or things I should have done to stay and make things
| better.
|
| At the end of the day, those that are close to me tell me it
| was the right choice and I do feel like it was to get out of a
| hostile job that up until the last few years I truly loved. The
| loss of some of my closest coworkers has been hard -- but
| connecting more with my family has been lovely and made me
| realize how much I was missing in the pursuit of "work."
| arkitaip wrote:
| Don't feel bad about leaving a bad workplace, you really
| don't owe them to fix their broken practices.
|
| I'm glad that you found a silver lining in your terrible
| experience by connecting more with your family. Unhealthy
| workplaces really tend to distort our priorities in life.
| tomhoward wrote:
| I'be been using this subconscious healing approach:
|
| https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29701855
|
| I've used it almost every day at times, but need it much less
| these days, having processed resolved so much of what used to
| affect me.
|
| I find it's effective because it's systematic; the feelings you
| have in your body when you think of the issue points you to the
| subconscious charge that needs to be identified and processed.
| And as long as those feelings are there, there is more work that
| can be done.
|
| It can take a long time to work through everything (I'm still
| working on things after nearly 10 years - i.e. early life family
| stuff), but it's so so worth the effort and patience.
| PaulHoule wrote:
| One element is moral accounting. You have to make peace with what
| you did. Research on why some people come home from wars and are
| O.K. and others aren't point to this as the difference
|
| https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moral_injury
|
| It's traumatic to be hurt by people, but devastating to hurt
| others or believe you hurt others, particularly if you were
| driven to do it by group dynamics. (Nothing hurts more than being
| part of a network of wrongdoers, part of the problem is not
| knowing if the locus is inside or outside yourself.)
|
| Last year I was involved in something almost indescribable,
| probably the best description is that I am rewiring myself to
| increase my ability to emotionally communicate with and charm
| people.
|
| Many things went right and wrong, but after charming many members
| of a group I said something really hurtful to one member.
|
| It's funny because I sometimes do a good job of telling stories
| and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I tell the punch line of a joke
| before the set-up.
|
| This time I succeeded, I wove together several threads to tell a
| powerful story about my own pain and loss, another person's
| suffering, and the related problems in a wider community. The
| effect on the other person was almost like a physical impact and
| that person hasn't talked to me since.
|
| I feel bad about hurting that person also feel bad because this
| mistake and a string of similar mistakes of lesser magnitude
| caused my self-interested plans to fail not just in a specific
| way (with that particular group), but in a generic way (would
| have failed with any group and any goal.)
|
| In the process of refreshing my practice it realized I hadn't
| ensorcelled anyone since that day. I'd left my power behind at
| that incident. Even though it will be hard to open a dialogue
| with that person I have to apologize and make amends because I
| need my power back.
| csdvrx wrote:
| You can also use power for good you know...
| PaulHoule wrote:
| That's the goal. If I could tell stories that make people
| feel good as effectively as I hurt that person I'd be the
| spellbinder that I want to be.
|
| Sometimes though my hostility leaks out and gets me in
| trouble. I have a chart that looks something like
| 0 ... resentment ... 30 ... anger ... 100 ... rage
|
| at 100 I start to think about wanting to make people suffer
| and I am in danger of "losing my shit". I learned in the last
| few months that if I flooded myself with feelings of sadness
| that I could avoid "losing my shit" near and slightly beyond
| the 100 threshold. This could be connecting with my own
| feelings of grief and loss (often another interpretation of
| what I am angry about) or if that doesn't flow that going to
| the war memorial and reading the names.
|
| I also discovered that after doing that I would talk to
| people about what was bothering me and get a much better
| response, people would really want to help me.
|
| I didn't find this technique talked about much in the western
| literature but found out it was widely known hundreds of
| years ago in China that sadness suppresses anger and that
| fear promotes it. (It is fascinating to watch shows like
| _Three Kingdoms_ where warriors, very tough and masculine
| men, regularly cry, both a few tears and uncontrollably.)
|
| (Western literature does, of course, say that connecting with
| grief is healing. Also when I was taking acting lessons years
| ago I found that sadness was one of the strongest emotional
| preparations for me.)
|
| These days though it is the other side of that scale that
| bothers me, enough that I am thinking how to redraw it.
| (maybe with a log scale) Below some point (say 30) the object
| of anger is not in the front of my consciousness but my
| resentment leaks out in insensitive, brutish and hostile
| actions that drive people away, such as the conversation I
| talked about.
|
| What's difficult about that one is that it doesn't matter if
| I am 20% angry, 2% angry, even 0.02% angry. If I am resentful
| at all it leaks out in ways that have a negative impact on
| myself and others. To really reclaim my ability I need to get
| to 0% angry.
| cryptica wrote:
| I think it's hard to move on from negative or traumatic
| experiences before you can make sense of them. There is usually
| something to be learned so it makes sense to try to understand
| your past in order to avoid getting caught up in a trap again.
|
| I've had some very negative, strange experiences over the past
| few years (in my professional life) but somehow I feel that the
| learning experience might be worth it... I think you need to take
| certain lessons with a grain of salt though.
| k__ wrote:
| Mostly by changing my (social) environment.
|
| Doing something that interests me. Haning out with new people.
| Basically trying to remove everything that reminds me of the
| previous chapter.
|
| After some time I can go back and don't feel bad about it
| anymore.
| whiplash451 wrote:
| I found "Stumbling on Happiness" by Daniel Gilbert a useful book
| to help me move on with challenges in my life. He has videos on
| youtube too.
| cols wrote:
| This year, my (not so little) brother committed suicide in an
| alcohol induced stupor. He did it in his living room while his
| wife and young children were home, sleeping.
|
| Therapy has been a life saver. The only true way to get "over"
| trauma or hardship is to get through. There is no getting "over"
| horrible things that happen to you. You just have to keep on
| moving forward, one foot in front of the other.
|
| In the meantime, as other have said, find a passion or a hobby
| that you can pour some time into. Personally, I've found
| exercise, reading, spending time with my children (and his
| children), and practicing Stoicism to be very beneficial.
|
| We look for clean lines of demarcation between life events a lot
| of times, but really, we can't extricate the future from the past
| so easily. All of us are, in some way, impacted by these
| critical, good or bad events. There is no escaping this impact;
| No human is immune to them. I've found the words of Marcus
| Aurelius to be particularly helpful:
|
| "Here is a rule to remember in future, when anything tempts you
| to feel bitter: not 'This is misfortune,' but 'To bear this
| worthily is good fortune.'"
|
| Good luck.
| taylortrusty wrote:
| I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine.
| ModernMech wrote:
| I moved to a new place. New town new job new house new friends.
| It's hard to live in the past when everything around you is
| different.
| pizza wrote:
| Use your external and internal senses. I believe that you already
| know much better than we do what you need - including the
| possible answer "to take a lot longer to further understand my
| feelings".
|
| If you feel like you've lost something, ask yourself what. And if
| you feel that you need to be free of the past, ask yourself why.
| And if you don't understand why you are seeking permission, ask
| yourself what you make of that.
|
| Perhaps I may suggest that you think about if you feel confident
| about your needs and what they are while also balancing them with
| the needs of others. When you write your new chapter of life,
| begin with the same question you would have if it were a book:
| "what's the story gonna be, here?"
| known wrote:
| ralusek wrote:
| Having a bad memory, honestly. I just forget.
| erdaniels wrote:
| For me it took a lot of time. There's no prescribed amount and no
| clear fix. The memories fade but will never disappear. Concretely
| speaking, what helped a lot was journaling and some therapy along
| the way. Most importantly though was being more vulnerable with
| my friends and family.
|
| A lot depends on your specific circumstances but for me, I had to
| forgive myself and at the same time try to really reflect and
| learn from what happened. I reflect less and less on what
| happened over time because eventually I moved past it. It took me
| around two years to move past a chapter lasting about six years.
|
| Regarding the energy of your younger self, that's a natural thing
| to happen with age. What I recommend for that is maximizing the
| amount of new experiences you have and dwell less on the
| nostalgia of who you used to be. Good luck!
| siruva07 wrote:
| Plant medicine was transformational for me to closing one chapter
| and opening the next.
|
| Forming new neurological pathways was a significant way of
| creating new memories which allowed me to move on much easier.
|
| Godspeed on your journey.
|
| https://news.yale.edu/2021/07/05/psychedelic-spurs-growth-ne...
| luxurytent wrote:
| With time.
|
| Apart from working through it, past it, and moving on with my
| life, it was important to acknowledge that the scars exist and
| parts of those scars will take much longer to fade.
|
| I'm entering the third year after a tough time.
| [deleted]
| llaolleh wrote:
| Writing helps a lot. Just write everything out without a filter.
| KarmicLaw wrote:
| The past is no longer occurring. Every moment you are aware of
| has also passed, no longer occurring. move on
| WHA8m wrote:
| In my observation, the natural response for most people is dial
| or compensation. No human being can prevent inherent coping
| mechanisms, so something of the earlier mentioned responses will
| always be involved, but I'd advice (to try) to aim for a
| different path: Don't withhold anything. Observe how it makes you
| feel. Why do you think, does it make you feel in a certain way?
| Why is something important to you? Relive the good and the bad
| and think about it a lot. Don't try to replace experiences with
| others, rather accept what has happened and that it is a part of
| you know. I don't think anyone can run away from this and most of
| us suppress previous experiences - but you can't grow from that.
| Best of luck to you! :)
| peter_retief wrote:
| You need to use your experience to learn and grow. I had to deal
| with addictions and my successes are my strengths. Don't be too
| hard on yourself or others, you will need many people in your
| life. Be kind to others and yourself and enjoy the moments. Good
| luck and happy new year!
| awb wrote:
| A few suggestions for you:
|
| 1) Write, draw or both. Any form of self-expression helps to
| clear or release stuck memories. You can set a timer or just
| continue until you feel complete. Sometimes just even writing
| down words describing your emotions helps to move through it by
| naming it. The idea is to release these feelings and keep this
| energy moving instead of holding onto it inside you.
|
| 2) Burn ceremony. Take a symbol from this past experience and
| burn it. Sit with those feelings, embrace them and try to
| visualize them leaving as the fire consumes the object. Share any
| gratitude for the experience or express your anger, sadness, etc.
| The flame will be a willing listener. Or, like you said ask
| yourself for permission to move on before you light the fire.
|
| 3) Mantra. When I start focusing on the past I try to ask myself:
| Is there something I'm wanting in this present moment? If so,
| then I try to act on it. If not then a mantra can help like "In
| this present moment I feel ____" or a reminder to your brain can
| help like: "Thank you, I remember that." The ideas is to
| acknowledge the thought without judgement but to have a simple
| process for moving forward and re-focusing on the present. That
| way when you're enjoying life and you're suddenly reminded of
| this past experience you have a quick way to snap back into the
| present instead of letting yourself get sucked back into the
| past.
|
| This is challenging stuff though and if you find yourself unable
| to move on, then therapy might be a good option. There are a
| bunch of online options now and like you said sharing your story
| with someone else might help. Or, even posting your story
| anonymously on Reddit might do the trick.
|
| Good luck!
| rcgs wrote:
| Just sharing my experience - you may be dealing with something
| slightly different.
|
| I burned out in a job, and went straight into a new one that was
| less demanding.
|
| I didn't try to do much at all for a while. It was more than a 18
| months later when I had the itch to do more again.
|
| My takeaway from this has been - be thankful and enjoy the
| process - don't try to force things.
| RankingMember wrote:
| > Yet I can't seem to fully rekindle the same energy of my
| younger self.
|
| IMO, don't try to do this. Move forward and focus on what you're
| interested in without self-critique (as much as possible).
| Looking backwards and comparing your present state with previous
| states will only distract you from making the most of the only
| time you can actually do anything in (the present).
| [deleted]
| whilestanding wrote:
| I feel I've been trying to do this for about a decade. It's not
| easy and our brains tend to focus on negative memories I think as
| a survival mechanism. Try and create new memories that aren't
| traumatic. That takes time and effort and good risk assessment. I
| agree with others here saying change your geography if possible.
| Change your habits, hobbies, lifestyle, social circle even
| clothes, the car you drive. Everything you can change do it.
| Usually your solutions to your problems create more problems but
| I guess that's just the journey of life and the pursuit of
| happiness.
|
| One of the easiest pieces of advice I can give is to check out
| nature/relaxation videos on YouTube. There are these amazing
| videos 1-10hours long of nothing but peaceful music and beautiful
| scenery in the background. I put a 55 inch 4k TV in front of my
| bed and often just lie down and meditate on these wonderful
| images. I also watch them before I go to bed. In 4k it can be
| really beautiful if you just calm your mind and appreciate being
| given a tour of some of the most incredible sights on the planet.
| I practice gratitude that such a thing is even possible. This is
| a practice I will keep likely for the rest of my life as it's
| relatively affordable and doesn't require leaving the house. It
| also helps create new positive memories and just reminds you that
| life can be beautiful.
| dazc wrote:
| You are the sum total of everything that has happened to you.
| This can seem like a disadvantage when people around you have
| enjoyed a more perfect existence but, as you get older, you can
| find strength in the knowledge that you have endured things other
| people have not. This makes you a better person, whether you feel
| it or not.
|
| Good luck with the rest of your life.
| wolverine876 wrote:
| > This can seem like a disadvantage when people around you have
| enjoyed a more perfect existence ...
|
| Those people living ideal lives don't exist; we all are flawed
| and wounded. We just don't know about it and many play a game
| of hiding it, as if we are in a competition to see who can
| appear more perfect. When I see someone present that way, I
| assume they are hiding more. Personally, I purposely avoid
| playing the game. Nobody is fooling anybody anyway, and maybe I
| can inspire someone by being more open about my problems.
|
| The injuries and scars are human condition. I sometimes imagine
| they are like the parts chiseled out, as a sculpture would a
| block of stone. Those (non-existant) perfect people are an
| untounched block - there is nothing there.
| robbiex88 wrote:
| This comment really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing.
| kbrisso wrote:
| The saying time heals is true, it just takes time. My only advice
| to you is don't let the emotions drive you to do anything
| negative. It's okay to have emotions just don't let them take you
| over. Try not to ruminate and get lost in your own head. It can
| become like OCD. Exercise helped me a lot with ruminating and was
| a way I could improve myself - take all the negative energy and
| turn it into something positive. Reading is also good way to shut
| the mind off. I read a lot of books on how the mind works. If you
| have a therapist talk to him about what happened and how you
| feel. Therapy isn't always about looking for a solution to your
| emotions (root cause) it's a place to talk and get stuff off your
| chest and to help you find closure. Find someone who can just
| listen and offer advice when needed or when asked. Life is just
| random and has ups and downs and the bad things that happen can
| over shadow all the good. I can say this, if you want to learn
| from this and move on, you can. You just have to be patient and
| with time it will get better.
| aantix wrote:
| If the events keep recurring in your head, and they're intrusive,
| there's something that isn't fleshed out. That needs to be
| reconciled.
|
| Start by writing out these dreadful moments, with exacting
| detail. Look up dates. Talk about tones of voices. Where were you
| at? What was everyone wearing. Minute detail. What happened. What
| do you wish would have occurred differently?
|
| You need to reconcile all of the details, so that your brain can
| appropriately lay them to rest and move forward.
|
| The past authoring program may be of help.
|
| "It would be particularly useful to complete the Past Authoring
| Program if you have memories that are more than about eighteen
| months old that still intrude upon your thoughts, or that still
| evoke emotion such as fear, regret, shame or confusion. If this
| is happening, it means that your mind has not yet been able to
| fully process your past experiences, and that the brain areas
| associated with negative emotion still regard the past events in
| question as unresolved threats. This is not good, because your
| brain reacts to unresolved threats with emergency physiological
| preparation, including the production of stress hormones such as
| cortisol that can be very toxic when chronically elevated"
|
| https://www.selfauthoring.com/past-authoring
| higeorge13 wrote:
| I thought i was crazy having done this, i didn't it is a proper
| advice. I definitely suggest this to everyone with such long
| term haunting memories and traumas.
| codingdave wrote:
| For me - Therapy. I know it isn't for everyone, but I was so
| miserable in one of my jobs that even after I quit, I was just a
| mess. I didn't need an extended therapy treatment, but I did
| spend a few sessions with a professional therapist, where we
| sorted out what was keeping me down, how to respond, and how to
| avoid getting pulled back into the same patterns.
| l8nite wrote:
| Anybody deal with severe depression and/or gambling addiction? I
| need help. I lost about 1/3 of my net worth this year, and I'm
| spiraling badly.
| wolverine876 wrote:
| Find a professional to help. Well-meaning people on HN can give
| you support and compassion, which you need and deserve, but not
| advice. You wouldn't ask amateurs about fixing a broken bone;
| this is much more important.
|
| A well-meaning perspective, informed by reading professionals:
| Damaging habits are driven by healthy, legitimate needs; the
| habits are just bad coping strategies, usually chosen without
| realizing what the need was. Become concious of the need, have
| compassion and love for it, and find healthy ways to cope
| instead of gambling. The need isn't going anywhere but if you
| take good care of it, it will be fine. Think of it like a
| child: If the child is tired and hungry and acting out, you can
| feed it candy bars, you can yell at it, or you can care for it,
| give it a healthy meal in a safe place, give it love and peace
| to sleep. You would be aghast at someone who treated the child
| with candy bars and abuse; that's what bad coping strategies
| are.
|
| Best of luck - we are rooting for you!
| l8nite wrote:
| Thank you very much for your thoughtful reply.
| peppermint_tea wrote:
| No depression but former gambler here... Gambling is a quick
| reward (produced by) and for the brain, even when you loose. It
| is not always about money. This video is the closest thing I
| found to properly explained what was going on :
|
| http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNWz8rcQtSI&feature=related
| (non-gamblers may look at this video and not understand at all)
|
| you are probably smart, know the odds are against you, but like
| any other drug, want/need that quick fix. I am no brain
| scientist, but I would guess that the drug induced gambling
| manage to mask your depression temporarily... but the down
| after a loss makes you go even lower.
|
| I managed to quit gambling when I realized that what I had to
| loose (in life) was greater than any chance of winning. So
| think about the things that are already making you a winner,
| find some other drug inducing activity less nefarious (but also
| less rewarding) (exercice, coding whatever) and do not hesitate
| to see a psychologist and perhaps meds if needed.
|
| I would tell you you can message me privately, but did not
| figured how to do that on HN yet...
| l8nite wrote:
| Thank you very much for the reply. I don't know how to PM yet
| on HN either :)
| boopboopbadoop wrote:
| Many countries have national programs to help. Are you in the
| US? Check out https://www.ncpgambling.org/
| pjerem wrote:
| Hey :) You can seek a psychiatrist specialized in addictions
| issues. They will help you quit the spiral.
|
| Good luck, once helped, you can do it !
| crdrost wrote:
| Ouch.
|
| Addiction is a form of cyclic preferences... you
| love/crave/indulge X then you hate/feel-the-repercussions-of X
| then you love/crave it again, over and over.
|
| Often the X is not quite what you think it is. It's not the
| alcohol, but the joy of going out and having a wild night and
| losing control and escaping from the voices that haunt you. Or
| you might be addicted in a sense to food, eating it because you
| want to feel _something_ during a dull or pained existence.
|
| Hard drug addicts report that they started using the hard drugs
| to feel special, but then they had to take them to feel
| normal... The fallacy is, the body, including your brain, does
| not have high-water marks--fixed notches in its chemical
| feedback loops saying "that is okay, but if it goes over this
| level then that will be too much." No, the body adjusts what it
| thinks is normal based on what it normally sees. Every moment
| you spend above the high-water mark, the body adjusts the high-
| water mark upwards.
|
| Good addiction recovery protocols, even 12-step, do not rely on
| self-control. You should also not rely on self-control. It's
| like being tired while driving, the faculty that monitors the
| problem is being impaired by the problem. "I've got this!" you
| say as you nod off. You need to build a wall that would
| actually be harder to climb over. "Don't even buy the sweets--
| when you crave chocolate you should be faced with the dilemma,
| I could go all the way to the store, or I could eat a banana
| right now." It sounds like nothing, going to the store is such
| a little thing... but that is often enough. Delete accounts.
| Delete credit card numbers from your phone and browser. Lock
| cards up in a physical box and put the key on the other side of
| the house.
|
| But most importantly, understand your pain. Seasons change in
| life. Every change of seasons requires grieving the outgoing
| one before you can celebrate the incoming one. Have you
| properly grieved? Have you given yourself space? Can you talk
| to yourself like you would to a ten-year-old? No "I'm so awful,
| I'm so stupid"--you wouldn't say that to a kid who made
| mistakes!--but just "hey, that sucks, we are gonna fix this
| together, I have your back." Understand that you are probably
| gambling to feel things... find happier things to feel. "I love
| getting out with fresh air... Whenever I feel those urges,
| maybe I can get out into the fresh air first."
|
| Be especially suspicious of people and places that can pull you
| back in. One of the biggest things that 12-step programs do is
| give you friends who are outside of that scene that you were
| in. People who understand and aren't judgy, but who somehow
| still you don't want to disappoint. It's not too late to build
| up community around yourself, or at least to find it. Old
| friends, neighbors, coworkers... even like some folks playing
| D&D weekly! Some weekly routine that is just for you and speaks
| to your deeper connection to community. Be very suspicious if
| there are others in your life who "can't believe you're
| spending time with them instead of me!"--if that happens you
| are in codependency and you need that external community in
| those boundaries more than you can possibly imagine right now.
|
| Sorry. This is like my second long rant on HN, I probably need
| to take a break...
| l8nite wrote:
| Thank you for taking time out of your day to reply to me.
| lulzury wrote:
| When you're in the hole, the hardest thing to realize is that
| you're there, so you've already made a huge step forward.
|
| I know it sounds cliche, but have you sought professional help?
| Therapy and/or a combination of the right medication can go a
| long way make at least some of the immediate symptoms
| manageable overnight...
| l8nite wrote:
| Thanks for the "step forward" comment. I want to get better.
| I haven't put serious effort into professional help, so
| that's on my NY resolution list for next week. I have a
| mental health program available to me from my employer, so I
| want to try that out and see what it might bring for me.
| rvr_ wrote:
| I don't believe life has chapters. We live now. The past only
| exists if rooted on present's memory. I don't think we can choose
| what to remember, but we sure can decide what to nourish. Good
| luck, enjoy the journey.
| pryelluw wrote:
| If possible please make an appointment with therapist.
| gpmcadam wrote:
| it might sound like overkill, but i'd suggest professional
| medical help from a trained psychotherapist. they aren't just
| trained to help you with anxiety/stress/depression but they will
| be able to give you the tools to address this more than ordinary
| people in this thread. best of luck!
| temp234 wrote:
| OP take this suggestion seriously. Therapy is not overkill,
| they are not gonna make you do anything you don't wanna do, you
| do not have to feel out of control when you try therapy. You
| can tell them the specific issues you want to work on.
| flippinburgers wrote:
| The tragic formula based on my own personal experiences is
| generally: 3x = path to healing where x is the number of years
| spent invested in/suffering from a given experience. I realize it
| sounds weird to put it this way and no doubt other people have a
| different constant that they could apply to their lives, but for
| myself, it really is simply that time is required. And you will,
| for better or worse, never be able to part from your past
| experiences. The way you are able to emotionally and mentally
| approach exploring them will, however, change with time.
| spanktheuser wrote:
| I used to have many, many strong opinions about the effectiveness
| of various therapeutic techniques. After living a little, I'm
| left with only two: that most therapeutic approaches are
| effective for a limited set of situations and individuals. And
| that most therapists/advice givers fail to acknowledge this
| notion. Let alone describe the set of circumstances to which
| various techniques are suited.
|
| I have a friend who found meditation highly helpful. Cognitively
| they are someone whose mind amplifies the emotional components of
| their experience, desirable or not. Tools that allow them to
| manage this have been helpful to their happiness.
|
| On the other hand, my mind occupies the opposite end of the
| spectrum, requiring exceptional levels stimulation and novelty to
| experience any emotion. Practices such as meditation have been
| borderline damaging to my mental state. But piling on more
| stimulation - new hobby, new obsession, uncomfortable but
| fascinating experience - these serve to distract and make life
| vibrant. Rinse repeat forever.
|
| In your circumstance _I_ would not attempt to achieve closure.
| Instead I'd try accept that what happened to me in the past will
| taint what's happening now. I'd read the books, journal the ways
| the celebration of them was damaged. Revisit them a few years
| later to compare the experience. Attempts to force closure have
| always failed for me. Wallowing in the emotion as means to
| explore it even more deeply seems to bring more rapid resolution.
|
| Would this work for someone who has much stronger baseline
| emotions of grief or melancholy? I have no idea because I'm not
| that person and my opinions about their experience are worthless.
|
| Ultimately in your shoes I would first focus on experimentation
| designed to test various hypotheses about your own mental
| tendencies. Where are you flexible versus resistant to change?
| Which parts of you are resilient and which vulnerable? Seems to
| me that this would be the fastest way to learn which tools you
| need to adopt to achieve your goals.
|
| At least that's how it looks from here. Trapped, as always,
| inside this particular brain. Good luck.
| padolsey wrote:
| I had a stroke a couple years ago at the age of 29. It has
| forever changed me. It is a scar on my brain and body. It is a
| part of me. I suppose I will never get true closure from the
| trauma until I __acknowledge__ that it has forever become a part
| of me. Our lives are composed of the good and bad parts. All are
| physiologically and neurologically manifested. We cannot
| completely eliminate them as we cannot reverse entropy. But we
| can make a peace with them. A bit like having a new scar on your
| cheek and looking at yourself every day in the mirror until you
| don't really notice it anymore. Both therapy and time can help.
| Allow life to take you on new journeys and then these will fill
| your thoughts, becoming more a part of you than the traumas that
| you're trying to move on from. I guess that's my take on it, at
| least. Self-compassion does a wonder as well. Hope you find
| closure, peace, direction <3
| rmbyrro wrote:
| Such experiences can put your biology completely out of balance.
| Check your main vital elements level: iron, vitamin-B complex
| (defficiency is associated with cognitive stress, fatigue,
| depression), vitamin D, etc. You may need supplementation.
| Especially magnesium has helped me a LOT in similar situation.
| stevenfoster wrote:
| Don't listen to the people who say time is the answer. The time
| is now and we never know if we're going to get tomorrow.
|
| What I've come to peace with in my life is that suffering gives
| us an opportunity to intercede for others. It is a gift. If you
| haven't read Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning I would
| highly recommend it.
|
| Your last sentence is telling. "It's not real unless I share it
| with someone else". You don't yet know the life you might change
| for the better by simply sharing you story. With this past you
| have the power to connect with others and intercede in their
| life. This is the greatest gift one can give another.
|
| Be kind with yourself and any others involved. The golden rule is
| diagnostic. You will love others the way you love yourself.
|
| My best to you and may you be abundantly blessed.
| [deleted]
| sonabinu wrote:
| What's been helpful for me was to consciously catch myself
| spiraling into thoughts of my past experience. Making it a habit
| to replace it with what I'm looking forward to and why I'm better
| off not being in that toxic situation. It's very draining for a
| few days but then slowly you notice the difference. And you start
| feeling more energy and most of all less negative. It's like
| exercise.
| baskethead wrote:
| You seem to think that this experience is like a feature flag you
| can turn on or off.
|
| It's not.
|
| It's an intractable part of who you are now. You can't get rid of
| it anymore that you can anything else in your life.
|
| Accept that it happened. Forgive whoever was a part of this,
| including yourself. Move on.
|
| Who you are is who you are from this moment forward. Don't think
| you can go back to who you were previously. It's impossible.
| Everything new builds off of today. The past may be tainted but
| not the future. Read those books. You can't taint them because
| the taint is in the past and the book is in the future.
| SavantIdiot wrote:
| I'm in my 50's, this experience will happen several more times in
| your life. It is good to learn how to recognize it and sit with
| it, ultimately accepting it and moving on from it.
|
| > Yet I can't seem to fully rekindle the same energy of my
| younger self.
|
| I went through this in my late 30's early 40's (in my 50's now).
| You never will recapture that invicible excitement of your early
| 20's, you only find new forms. If you read literature, this is
| literally the topic of thousands of poems, epics, sagas, songs,
| and novels. I think it is wrong that teenagers are forced to read
| these classics, when the the woes and laments they describe are
| purely for older people.
|
| I am not a psychotherapist, obviously, but since you are asking
| for advice:
|
| 1. The mourning will end, but it will come again in some other
| form; this is unavoidable part of life. Normalizing that is part
| of the battle.
|
| 2. Everyone in the history of humanity has gone through what you
| are going through. It is part of the rite of adulthood. Honor the
| fact that you have finally had the experience.
|
| 3. Create new memories. New memories push old memories back into
| past. If you don't create new memories, you will ruminate on your
| last ones. Like Al Bundy always fantasizing about his highschool
| touchdown late into his 50's (american TV show!).
|
| 4. Meeting new people helps create new memories. Find new groups.
| In the past 30 years I have done the following:
|
| - Gaming groups (local game store has walk-in night where you can
| sit and play new games with strangers)
|
| - Pub trivia (I found a team)
|
| - Hiking (local meetup)
|
| - Pottery lessons
|
| - French lessons (taken at my local college in the adult program,
| LOTS of private parties, dinners & events that were french
| themed)
|
| - Teaching programming to the local hacker club(s)
|
| - Stained-glass window making lessons
|
| - Carpentry lessons
|
| - Getting into deep-woods backpacking
|
| I took a lot of classes.
|
| But you get the gist. I have SO many memories that my brain is a
| blur after decades of this and I need pictures to remind myself
| of all of the comedy/tragedy I've been through.
|
| Good luck!
| lighthammer wrote:
| I still think about mistakes from 25 years ago. The only
| difference is I accept it finally and thinking about the past
| does not evoke much emotion anymore. All due to time.
|
| To find closure, find something new that will occupy the energy
| from thinking about the past. Happy for you that you have closure
| and my 2022 bring much peace and blessings to you and your
| family.
| kchameleon1234 wrote:
| EMDR therapy works wonders for CPTSD. Cognitive Behavioral
| Therapy can be really good at uncovering the underlying cause of
| the feelings you're experiencing. EMDR is a nice supplement to
| disengage from or (more often) desensitize yourself from the
| causes of those feelings.
|
| My own experience comes from dealing with sexual assault and long
| term abandonment and attachment issues, but I've found the
| experiences I gained through those two therapy modalities useful
| for dealing with minor crises or life-stage transitions as well.
|
| Personally, psychedelic mushrooms also play a role in my own
| recovery and ongoing therapy, but they're not for everyone.
|
| Best of luck to you. I hope you find peace and comfort in the
| near future. We all deserve to leave the past behind, to learn
| from it, and to look directly into the future when we are ready.
| diob wrote:
| I've had so so results with EMDR for trauma (lots of childhood
| shit). I'm hoping psychedelics become legal for therapy, I've
| heard / read great things.
| rg111 wrote:
| Your past never leaves you. You just _learn_ to live with it.
|
| You change somehow, so that changed version can live with
| whatever it was.
|
| After a painful chapter in my life, I fully changed my social
| circle. I kept in touch with a very few people who are "good"
| people, and who are emotionally mature.
|
| I avoided reunions, get-togethers, picnics, etc. Doing this, I
| also punished those who were in the middle- not the close ones or
| the ones who aided the bad things in my life.
|
| Multiple people have talked about doing something. I would
| recommend that very highly.
|
| _" A deep life is a good life."_
|
| Whatever you do, or whatever you are interested to do, dive into
| that. Spend serious time for getting good at it. Practice
| deliberately. Level up. Doing this will benefit you in multiple
| unforseen ways. Not just with your immediate problem.
|
| For me, it was Mathematical Physics, poetry and literature in
| general, reading History very carefully. It made my life good.
|
| Meet new people. At your own pace. Get to know them. Form new
| connections.
|
| Changing geographical scenario is helpful. I happened to move
| into a megacity at that time- the people of where matched well
| with my personality.
|
| Having someone to share your trauma who knows you closely and who
| has seen it all unfold is really valuable.
|
| Finally, give it time. Be patient. Don't judge yourself. Be open.
|
| What you shouldn't do-
|
| 1. Don't doomscroll social media.
|
| 2. Don't let alcohol consumption go over a certain threshold.
|
| You could ask me questions. I will monitor my comment and answer
| if you want.
| prox wrote:
| Well said. A book on poetry I highly recommend is The Rag and
| Bone Shop of the Heart. A beautiful anthology of many poets and
| poems geared towards men in all stages of life. Everyone should
| learn one poem by heart is my take away from the book.
| rg111 wrote:
| Wow, thanks for your recommendation. Only English poetry I
| read are Tennyson and Keats. And some Whitman.
|
| I also read poetry in Bengali, Sanskrit (Kalidasa only), and
| Urdu.
|
| I am pretty much limited to the classics except for Bengali.
|
| I need to broaden my horizon in terms of new poetry.
|
| It is an exploitation vs exploration problem for me. And as I
| have very little time for poetry, I definitely tend to
| exploit more.
|
| I will definitely check out your recommendation.
| jarlab wrote:
| I kind of went through the same stuff as you, really appreciate
| your answer.
| [deleted]
| asasdfasdfasdv wrote:
| I am currently going through a drawn out stressful chapter of my
| life, seems like it keeps getting dragged on and on.
|
| Not sure which of these are a good idea but I did all of these,
| and though the stressful chapter is not over yet, I think I am in
| a better place than when it all started.
|
| - I felt like moving on is not a thing you do, but more like what
| happens when other (hopefully better) things fill up your life
| and the past haunts you less and less.
|
| - Get busy, I joined a book club, hiking club, local sports
| league, many local meetups, used messaging apps to create groups
| and stay in touch constantly with old friends. Talk to your close
| friends candidly about how you feel. Meet more people, create
| more chances for things to happen - new friends, new experiences
| etc.
|
| - I didn't want to fall into the trap of alcohol or smoking
| excessively, I used to indulge in both before but I consciously
| reduced both and started swimming and setup goals to improve my
| swimming etc. (very happy I did this)
|
| - Pick up fun personal/hobby projects to keep you buys, as much
| as I say you should do this, I personally didn't do much of it
| until I started feeling better a lot later.
|
| - Many have mentioned it here, but give it time, it will not
| happen overnight.
|
| - Embrace change, I think I even changed the orientation of all
| furniture in the house too, eventually changed the house as well
| (easier for me since I was renting)
|
| - Find people/friends who have gone through similar stuff, its
| always good to talk to them. I made it a point to hang out a bit
| with such people.
|
| I remember it was very stressful initially, but eventually it
| gets better. I am in a much better place than I was then, though
| my ordeal is still getting drawn out and doesn't seem to end,
| hopefully soon. As someone else said it here, all these
| experiences now make you who you really are.
| JohnBooty wrote:
| It may sound strange but I almost feel I have to ask for
| permission to move on.
|
| Easier said than done, but I think part of it is giving yourself
| permission?
|
| When my mom died, I had some lingering... negative feelings. I
| was angry about some medical choices she made, and of course I
| blamed myself for not helping more.
|
| Eventually I gave myself permission to...
|
| 1. Feel multiple things at once. I am allowed to have some
| negative feelings AND simultaneously enjoy all of the wonderful
| and positive memories of her.
|
| 2. Continue to feel the negative things. I did not try to stomp
| out the negative things. They are valid! I have valid reasons to
| feel some amount of anger!
|
| Over time the positive voices in my head greatly outnumbered the
| negative ones. I didn't have to chase down the negative ones and
| eliminate them.
| pjio wrote:
| If you can afford it and the corona restrictions allow it, travel
| for some time with little luggage and on a low budget.
| marstall wrote:
| I recently read an interesting thing about memory. Which is that
| remembering something - that is, bringing it to mind and playing
| it out - refreshes the memory, makes it new again.
|
| And if you don't do that, you will forget.
|
| So now when I have a bad memory, I try focusing on the feelings
| it creates in my body, and not naming them, or blaming anyone.
|
| As painful as that can be in the moment, my attention moves on
| pretty quickly - and I've avoided perseverating at least that one
| time.
| higeorge13 wrote:
| I had some devastating experiences on my early 20s losing people
| i loved and cared so much. The trauma was so intense that i don't
| remember almost anything from these terrible years. Eventually i
| moved on, but the trauma was never healed. I had another recent
| devastating experience that made everything come out again x10000
| times worse. The goal is not just to move on, just for the sake
| of it. The goal is to accept what happened, stop blaming yourself
| and then move on.
|
| My advice is to talk it with someone, and if you still struggle,
| seek for professional help. Better now than in 10 years.
|
| Write down everything that happened and you keep thinking. Be
| specific, all your thoughts, feelings, facts, wishes, anything.
|
| In addition, change your life as much as you wish and you can,
| change jobs, house, car, meet new friends, try new hobbies.
|
| Happy new year and take care.
| vanusa wrote:
| All you can do is throw yourself headlong into new experiences.
|
| Plus, there's a hack: changing your geographic frame of reference
| _really_ helps. If you can afford it and are not too attached to
| where you 're living -- and especially if you kind of hate where
| you're living -- just pick up and move. Ideally to a different
| climate, perhaps with a different accent or a different language
| altogether.
|
| At least for a while -- 6 months to a year.
|
| You see your brain is hardwired to 'index' new memories based on
| sensory cues -- light, colors, smells, sounds... and especially
| new faces. When these stimuli change, and especially when they
| all change at once -- it's like our brain opens up a whole new
| space to operate, and to start organizing all of these new
| memories and experiences in.
|
| Like turning the page and starting a whole new chapter, as it
| were.
| siva7 wrote:
| Changing the geographic frame is the single most effective way
| to deal with past experiences. I've done it in the past from
| traumatic experiences and it was always a huge step forward for
| my mental health!
| knuthsat wrote:
| That's exactly what my wife did. College was extremely
| stressful and filled with suffering for her. After it ended,
| she never felt like it really ended.
|
| But after we moved to a different country she is a completely
| new person.
| djbelieny wrote:
| Indeed. Being through a few traumatic experiences in the first
| months of 2020, including the sudden death of my dad. I can
| attest that while it has been hard to let go of some memories
| and feelings, changing the geographic frame is an absolute hack
| that works. Look for something completely different, if you
| live in the city move to the country, if you live in the
| mountains move to the beach. Allow yourself the new
| experiences, use your senses to explore the new. In my case,
| the following also helped:
|
| 1) allowed myself to invest and finish a project that had
| special meaning to me since before the trauma;
|
| 2) Got a new dog, learned how to train her as a service dog,
| and put in the work to get that completed. BONUS: I now have a
| trained service dog that I love, can take everywhere, and is
| truly man's best friend.
|
| 3) Started small projects which involved my loved ones, which
| helped me bond and create new memories with each one
| individually.
|
| Hope this helps. The most important thing is to keep on keeping
| on. Never give up.
| zain wrote:
| How did you learn how to train your dog?
| djbelieny wrote:
| TLDR; A Lot of internet coupled with a lot of trial and
| error - fun times.
|
| But seriously, I first started researching online how
| people trained their dogs for obedience and to do simple
| tasks. Read a couple of books on the subject, signed up for
| an online class (COVID lockdowns and all), watched tons of
| Youtube videos, which were more informative and way more
| practical than the classes and books and practiced a lot
| with my Dog. She picked up really fast and within a couple
| of months I had her doing some serious obedience tasks. I
| would say she and I learned together ;) After that, I amped
| up the work consistency and focused on the specific task
| she needed to do in my case to become a service dog. Now
| with that said I want to plug something here, there's a
| group called STSK9 that has an outstanding online dog
| training university. I found them way down in my path and I
| still may register since I love what they are doing to help
| teach people how to train dogs and from what see on their
| site + social media interactions their students and dogs
| get the best in the biz. Link to their site
| https://www.stsk9.com/
| gringoDan wrote:
| Actually building something helps a ton: either a project at
| work, or through hobbies like woodworking, writing, art,
| comedy, etc.
|
| And the geographic hack is great advice. I moved to a new city
| following a breakup a few years back and it did wonders for my
| mental health.
|
| I also recommend journaling: Getting thoughts out of your head
| and onto a page can provide a sense of closure.
| ethbr0 wrote:
| Another variant: if you can afford to and work permits,
| temporarily relocate somewhere for awhile. Rent a minimal-cost
| place for a month+.
|
| As one option, look into professional house-sitting (common in
| US, not sure elsewhere). Essentially, people with high end
| homes, who are going to be away for a period, who want someone
| they can trust not to wreck the place to just _be_ there.
|
| But essentially, just _live_ somewhere else for a minute. For
| me it takes about 5 days to start living instead of visiting.
|
| After my mother's cancer diagnosis, when treatment was in
| progress but surgery still scheduled some time away, and I had
| a job I hated, with co-workers whose morals I didn't share... I
| spent a few weeks in Japan and Thailand. (Mostly paid by reward
| points, long saved)
|
| It was amazing how refreshing my view on my own life was, from
| a different vantage point.
|
| When I got back, I quit the job, took some time off with the
| aid of savings, and spent time with my mom through her
| treatment. I'm not sure I would have realized that was the
| right path without the distance. (And it finally resulted in
| one of the best jobs of my career)
| robot1 wrote:
| do you have any resources for how to get into professional
| house-sitting? sounds like it would expand horizons in a very
| accessible way!
| ethbr0 wrote:
| I didn't even know it was a thing, until my father did it
| when moving for work, while looking for a permanent house
| to purchase.
|
| Can't offer any details, but this [0] seems to have a range
| of links and the basics. I gather it's something like
| Airbnb, but in reverse (homeowners looking for quality
| person). I imagine it's mostly person and reputation based
| (e.g. I present as a responsible professional + here are
| some expensive houses I have been entrusted successfully
| with).
|
| If you know any real estate agents, you can also ask them
| where they find temporary placements (i.e. home currently
| on the market, which are usually paid) as a "resume"
| starter. But I imagine you'd probably be looking for non-
| real-estate listings long term. As they usually those
| require you to be available on short notice to vacate for
| people to walk through.
|
| And the bigger points are (1) must be flexible in "finding
| somewhere else" or "vacating within a few months" & (2) be
| able to live in a place with a light touch (no parties,
| destructive living, pets, etc.).
|
| [0] https://estatesitting.com/long-term-house-sitter/
| throwaway24124 wrote:
| Thanks for the house-sitting recommendation, great idea.
| What's your job now?
| ethbr0 wrote:
| Unfortunately, I've since moved on. #FirstWorldProblems,
| but in retrospect, +50% salary isn't automatically enough
| to make up for good vs bad corporate culture and quality of
| colleagues.
| wnolens wrote:
| > changing your geographic frame of reference really helps.
|
| Thanks for saying this. I was stuck and faced my problems head-
| on for years in therapy (and every day life). More than one
| therapist I saw for an extended period of time really drove
| home the point that the "geographical cure" doesn't work
| because you just bring your problems with you.
|
| But that's an incredibly myopic view. After finally breaking up
| with those therapists/asshats, I went through a period of being
| nomadic and then settled elsewhere. Some of my problems went
| away immediately, some came with me, others appeared. But I was
| more able to separate myself from my context, process difficult
| emotions with distance from the triggers, receive the gifts of
| a new place and its culture, see how different people
| live/struggle elsewhere.
|
| I don't think there's any other way I could have turned my
| trajectory around.
| vanusa wrote:
| It's true that you'll always have your problems with you.
| It's also true that "wherever you go, there you are."
|
| But for every set of problems S1 ... there's a secondary set
| S2 that consists basically of "thinking _too damn much_ about
| S1 " along with a heaping portion of "why me, why me, why
| me?". The growth of which starts to take on a life of its
| own, and to greatly leverage the suffering that S1 would
| otherwise cause on its own.
|
| So part of the basic healing mechanism of the change-of-
| coordinates approach is that, while it doesn't reduce the
| size of S1 directly ... it does help reduce the run-away
| swelling of S2 very substantially. Which allows slow-acting
| but powerful natural healing factors (the passage of time, as
| a sibling commenter point out) to focus much better on S1.
|
| Until one day, you're going about your business ... and you
| realize you haven't thought about S1 in a while. Not just for
| a couple of hours, but for a like a full day or more. That's
| when you start to realize that it's at least _possible_ to
| move on.
| inter_netuser wrote:
| Share it with your closest friends, family.
|
| Real friends and family that loves you > "professionals"
| meristohm wrote:
| A disinterested third party (save for the financial transaction
| and hopefully a sense of helping), whose training prepares them
| to handle all the trauma they hear about, can be just the thing
| to crawl out of a pit. Not everyone has friends or family who
| can or want to handle baggage (ideally they would be so
| healthy, and it's okay if they aren't). It may take time to
| find a professional counselor who fits, and a reticent person
| might need a catalyst (books and The Blindboy Podcast in my
| case) to find a counselor to be vulnerable with.
| throwDec21 wrote:
| I see two different problems - closure of the recent experiences
| and whether you should get back to "same energy of my younger
| self". You're likely older and wiser now, such people do
| different things to when they were younger, embrace it.
| breckenedge wrote:
| I used to jump into new and expensive hobbies to turn a page.
| Didn't really fix anything. Regular therapy has helped me a ton,
| and it's been cheaper too.
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