[HN Gopher] Tell HN: You are not alone this Christmas
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Tell HN: You are not alone this Christmas
Hi, my Christmas is solitary this year, no family or friends. I'm
not even having a Christmas dinner. I'm not sad about this, though.
It's just the way it is. What I wanted to say is, if you are in the
same situation, you are not alone. So have a virtual hug from me.
Author : mattowen_uk
Score : 1062 points
Date : 2021-12-25 10:20 UTC (12 hours ago)
| podgaj wrote:
| Yes I am. I am alone.
|
| I am disabled, and homeless living in my van. I have a family
| history of mental illness and even they abandoned me. My friends,
| I get it, they just did not understand what happened to me. I
| make $1600 on disability but I still cannot find housing. Even
| when people
|
| I love your sentiment but virtual hugs do not do it for me, nor
| for most people in my position.
|
| What do we need? An understanding of Mental Illness stigma,
| housing for the 60% of us homeless who have a serious mood
| disorder, lower cost housing for the disabled. All of these would
| give me stability and a community again where I can feel like I
| am part of something instead of being an outsider.
|
| There have been great people that helped me, and I hold no
| regrets because it reduces the stress and that helps me deal with
| my mental illness, but all the suffering comes right back,
| because here I am, alone again, in my van, in a vacant public
| park, on Christmas morning.
|
| You want to really hug me? Start a revolution.
| zw123456 wrote:
| Hang in there friend!
| mathnode wrote:
| My thoughts are with you and everyone else. I love you all. The H
| in hackernews can sometimes also mean, Human , Human News.
| junon wrote:
| Seth Everman has a Christmas stream for exactly this this year.
| If you're into gaming or music, he's your guy. Super funny dude.
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UmnWZRiLVs
|
| I'll be there too :)
| hohoho2021 wrote:
| I have family at home so I'm not alone on a personal level. But
| in business, my co-founders have been gone for two years now. One
| silently sulking and one more or less retired. I've gone on to
| keep everything running for the sake of our employees but I feel
| a bit more like Scrooge in his counting house each year when I'm
| chugging along on Christmas Eve.
|
| As an ecomm play, the holidays are also mark the end of our busy
| season. So it's a lot at once, but I try to keep in mind that I
| am still happier working for myself than I ever was working for
| someone else. I am also so grateful for all the joy we bring to
| the world.
| treebot wrote:
| I am not spending Christmas alone, but sometimes I wish I was.
| The holidays are the toughest time of year for me, because they
| bring up bad memories from my childhood, and the darkness of
| winter amplifies it and makes me feel dead inside. Every year
| around the holidays I have at least one really bad breakdown, and
| I'm just way more vulnerable emotionally, so everything hurts so
| much more and for longer. The pain generally has to do with
| relationships with other people though, so being alone helps. I
| don't know if it would be better to be totally alone, as OP is,
| but spending extensive amounts of time with family or a romantic
| partner is just terrible for me. Cheers OP, buy yourself a gift.
| charcircuit wrote:
| There are a lot of Christmas streams you can go and watch today.
| Who needs family when you have online friends to hang out with.
| electrotype wrote:
| Even if I'm unvaccinated?
|
| Merry Christmas to you too.
| wyclif wrote:
| There was a Category 5 Typhoon in in the Philippines where I am
| last week. The power was out and there was no electricity,
| refrigeration, or internet for a week. One of the transformers in
| my neibourhood blew out and got destroyed, and at 6pm on
| Christmas Eve they replaced it and we finally had power! I'm a
| software developer with a wife and two kids and we have a lot to
| be thankful for. We survided COVID-19 and a Category 5 hurricane.
| jiux wrote:
| Glad to hear recovery being made... this typhoon was a bad one.
| wiz21c wrote:
| Totally OT, but what is it like to be inside a Category 5
| hurricane ?
| ausudhz wrote:
| Inside you feel nothing, is at the edges the problem
| sAbakumoff wrote:
| XMass is just an artificially distinctive day designed to sell
| more stuff to people. Why do guys even care about being or not
| being alone?
| Smaug123 wrote:
| Christmas is _ancient_. As long as there has been winter,
| people have had a festival during its deepest depths, to remind
| them that the spring will come.
| bromuro wrote:
| Don't forget on the other side of the planet is summer :)
| Chris2048 wrote:
| Much of the Christmas tradition is pagan/roman:
|
| https://www.britannica.com/story/why-is-christmas-in-
| decembe...
|
| https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturnalia
| sAbakumoff wrote:
| haha, reminded me of one of the best scenes(IMHO) of BBT
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38x6kWB-
| xD4&ab_channel=JoshG
| hahamrfunnyguy wrote:
| For most people that celebrate the holiday, it's a day to spend
| time with friends and family. I am not Christian, but I still
| celebrate the holiday with my family. It's the only time of
| year I see certain family members. It's a convenient time to do
| this because everyone else is taking time off to do the same.
|
| If someone is used to do doing this and is unable to, it's not
| hard to see why they would feel lonely.
|
| I chose not to visit with friends and family last year due to
| covid but I didn't feel lonely. I observed some of my usual
| traditions like preparing some fancier than usual food and
| drink, zoomed and played games online with friends and family
| and had a nice and relaxing day.
| curious_cat_163 wrote:
| This is people being people. Choosing to be merry on a day that
| they somehow found a way to assign a meaning to. You could
| argue that this is not a choice but for many it is.
|
| One could choose another day, it just happens to be this day.
| :)
| Cloudef wrote:
| Thanks, pretty much same for me.
| xvector wrote:
| At some point I realized that the thing that bothered me about
| being alone was not the fact that I was alone, but that other
| people were not.
|
| Actually, I am quite content by myself. It was sort of an ego/"am
| I not good enough for someone else" feeling that made me feel
| negative. But, that is not a good reason to enter a relationship
| with someone.
|
| On balance, would I enjoy being in a relationship with someone?
| Questionable. I quite like the contentment, quietude, and freedom
| that comes with living by myself.
|
| In either case, not worth agonizing over.
| Klaster_1 wrote:
| I feel you and hug back. To me, celebrations and gatherings were
| always more stressful and awkward rather than fun and something
| to look forward to, but at least I got to see what friends and
| family I had. After moving cities, the only people who I talk to
| eye to eye are coworkers and service personnel, state holidays
| became extra weekends.
| lngnmn2 wrote:
| There's nothing wrong in being alone. Some (mostly narcissistic
| assholes) even pay for fancy "spiritual" retreats and what not.
| globular-toast wrote:
| Solitary here too. I like being alone, but I do require a little
| "punctuation" throughout the year when I see people. It's a shame
| that gatherings seem to require an excuse or some big event and
| can't just be "because I haven't seen you for a while". Maybe
| they can be. But I lack the social skills to make that happen.
| Also my latent social anxiety.
| hszeeks wrote:
| Thank you so much for this.
|
| I just had a Christmas dinner alone spiraling on how much of a
| failure i am given my horrible social skill. But this really
| cheer me up!
| nfkrk8j wrote:
| boramalper wrote:
| Dubliners are welcome to join our get together tonight, shoot me
| an email!
| Chris2048 wrote:
| But do you have a venue? Wouldn't everything be closed?
| boramalper wrote:
| Hosting a small dinner at my house. :)
| rectang wrote:
| New video, released two days ago, for an old Joni Mitchell song,
| _River_ :
|
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLHxxBTl71I
|
| > _" River expresses regret at the end of a relationship... but
| it's also about being lonely at Christmas time... A Christmas
| song for people who are lonely at Christmas! We need a song like
| that." -- Joni Mitchell_
| iammjm wrote:
| This year I decided to finally stop participating in other
| people's illusions. I was raised Catholic but stopped believing
| about 15 years ago. Still, each year I went through the motions.
| This year I thought: I don't believe, I don't care, so why
| bother? This feels quite liberating and I'm proud of myself
| technothrasher wrote:
| Good for you! It's so liberating to realize you don't have to
| be pressured into pretending to be somebody you're not, and
| there's nothing wrong with being you.
|
| Of course, you can still enjoy Christmas without being into any
| of the religious stuff, if you wish. I've been an atheist since
| I realized religion wasn't for me at about the age of six, and
| Christmas is actually fun for me because there's no pressure.
| It's just a bullshit holiday like any of the others and an
| excuse to celebrate, or not. If you don't like it, you can just
| ignore parts or all of it.
| maverick74 wrote:
| What made you stop believing? Any special event that you would
| like to share?
|
| I believe that it all comes down to "Love". That's the key. All
| other "rules" are mostly human-made. Your relationship with God
| is just that: a relationship between you and God. And that's
| YOUR business and God's!
|
| I too was raised a Catholic, but there are many places where
| priests are not as good as they should be.
|
| I think I'm lucky on that, that I had a good priest for the
| biggest part of my life. I developed interest in finding out
| more and, for the most part, most lay people's common knowledge
| is wrong.
|
| God does not want you locked up in a bunch of rules. God (even
| being apparently very absent) wants you to be happy thru Love.
| And that's all! (and, funny enough, the catholic church does
| defend that! It's just very sad they miss by a lot to put that
| into practice - but, then again, they are humans as well...).
| [deleted]
| thoms_a wrote:
| The "bunch of rules" are guidelines laid out by the supposed
| creator of reality, who loves you and wishes for you to live
| in congruence with your true nature.
|
| You can ignore the guidelines, but that will come at a cost
| (mostly to yourself). That is how I understand Catholic
| virtues. The desire to rebel against this is the same
| instinct every child has when their parent tells them to
| brush their teeth and not binge-eat Halloween candy.
|
| But to each his own, rebellion is a compelling source of
| identity for the young. Not so much later in life.
| maverick74 wrote:
| Well, according to the Bible and the Church all rules come
| down to something like "Love God above all and love others
| as you Love yourself"...
|
| I think it's all about Love... Every "rule" comes from
| this...
| daedlanth wrote:
| Well, being a religious event, I have to say that happiness while
| being alone is actually a gift from God. My kids have jobs and
| their mom doesn't crab at me anymore, Yay!!! I'm going to read
| the news, have breakfast and play some video games.
| ljm wrote:
| All alone here too.
|
| Truth be told, it would take some effort to trust someone enough
| to spend it with them now. I can thank my own family (back when I
| considered them family) for that.
|
| Now I just make my own dinner, play some video games, and chill
| out. Took a fair few years to get there though.
| screye wrote:
| I am spending Christmas 'alone' , but together with a bunch of
| solo travellers on a backpacking trip. My loneliness was a result
| of US visa regulations cancelling my plans to meet my loved ones,
| but I do wonder about all of my other co-travellers.
|
| They're bunch of white Americans aged 40-70? for whom Christmas
| would usually be a big day. I dont know them well enough to ask
| personal questions about family, but a backpacking crew does feel
| like comforting place to be 'alone'.
|
| America's holidays are so strongly tied to the last week of Dec
| (24-31), that not having any plans can feel really isolating even
| if you don't care for Christmas. Calling friends on that long
| week to ask to hang out and repeatedly realizing that everyone
| has 'plans', can make you feel super left out.
|
| For a while I did wonder if I was being actively left out. Then
| realized that being a single guy without family in the US means
| having to find the few others like you who WILL make plans in
| November. Either seek them out or lead the planning efforts. But,
| trying to find a plan to hop on into in December is a terrible
| idea.
| ilaksh wrote:
| My take on this is that the stigma of being alone is based on
| false premises. All it takes is to prioritize other things a
| little bit like your work, your side projects, your own beliefs,
| or even self-respect, over social efforts.
|
| Another aspect I will put out there is that often these days the
| people we have the most in common with are just on the internet
| and not physically nearby. I think it's quite wrong to think that
| online interactions aren't meaningful.
| kodizhuk wrote:
| thanks, really)
| kodizhuk wrote:
| thanks, really
| kevintan2019 wrote:
| yes, you are not alone man... me too, still had family but no
| friends, but it's okay :)
| RuggedPineapple wrote:
| I got engaged to my girlfriend this year. Our christmas is going
| to be just us and my best friend whose decided she just can't
| with her antivax family during a covid-era family gathering. Not
| what I was expecting from the holidays, but also a reminder that
| family that you build yourself is just as valid!
| schwartzworld wrote:
| Interesting. I have the exact opposite situation. I would love a
| December without Christmas. Once my kids are older, I'll be
| opting out of the holiday permanently, and I'll probably start
| going away for the whole month of December.
| happyweasel wrote:
| The time around christmas and new year is always a great time for
| diving into personal projects while taking the minimum time off..
| zoomablemind wrote:
| Thank you for the hug! I hug you too.
|
| We are all cave-people still, living now in our little caves,
| using tools that still require a lot of grinding to make and to
| use (mental mostly), still afraid of monsters and winters.
|
| We are still mesmerized by lightnings, storms, stars, and
| everything that happens above and inside us. We're curious about
| world and life around, scribble things on our walls, we sleep a
| lot, and dream!
|
| Ones in San Diego, CA, I saw a bunch of seals laying on nice
| stinky rocks, chatting about something with each other. Some
| younger pup was trying to crawl on other seal's head (just for
| fun of it, probably). So another bigger seal literally hugged the
| pup with that flapper arm of theirs and kept on telling whatever
| story that was. It worked!
|
| We hug, therefore we exist.
| impetus1 wrote:
| Exact same man, call your family
| andreyk wrote:
| I often wish HN had an official forum, or even a discord, where
| people could discuss whatever and not just trending articles.
| There are many like minded people here, so it feels like it could
| be more of an online community than it is right now.
|
| Anyway, indeed, virtual hugs to those alone these holidays!
| 1_player wrote:
| Same here, my plan for today is JWST launch, junk food, video
| games (I got into Battle Brothers, it keeps kicking my ass) and
| possibly a video call with family later today. Enjoy your
| December 25th people!
| civilized wrote:
| If you're reading this, you're welcome in Christmas spirit to my
| house with my wife and two little ones and our little Christmas
| tree and our piano. We'll be doing our best to keep the kids busy
| as we have been and will be this long holiday break from school
| :)
| lottin wrote:
| Thank you. I just want to add that there's nothing wrong about
| being alone. You can be happy, and you can have an interesting
| life, without having to be always in company of other people.
| ArjenM wrote:
| Virtual hugs all around! Hope everyone has a more favorable time
| ahead of them next year.
| wruza wrote:
| Hey, I didn't even think of it before reading this post. Hug to
| everyone who did!
| deepersprout wrote:
| I think this whole christmas thing makes a lot of people feel
| alone and depressed. I hate that. Posts like these make me think
| this even more. I am alone, and I like it. I can play Warzone and
| code some stuff I wanted to finish. I can do things I like. I
| know this may sound stupid, but if you feel alone, don't. There
| is no reason to. It's just a day like many others. There is
| really nothing to it.
|
| And we don't need "Christmas" for a virtual hug. We can do that
| every day of the year.
| precommunicator wrote:
| It's a weird feeling. I like to be alone but I don't know, this
| Christmas I have the weird feeling of mix of sadness and
| loneliness. Usually I don't care, but somehow this stuff comes
| to me. Even that those are not my first, second or even third
| Christmas alone, I don't celebrate them, and I'm atheist.
| 300bps wrote:
| _I have the weird feeling of mix of sadness and loneliness_
|
| I think everyone has that to a different extent during the
| holidays.
|
| I am very much not alone but for many of us this time of year
| made quite a positive impression on us when we were a kid.
| It's hard not to yearn for those days especially if we've
| lost a parent or other family member in the interim.
| acomjean wrote:
| People even those that like being alone or have a hard time
| with others (I have family members like this), sometimes like
| being social. The short days of winter effect some people
| (vitamin D?) and I think the pandemic has exacerbated this. I
| notice a lot of the little interactions I used to have are
| gone although not really deep I miss them.
| ragingrobot wrote:
| I have been feeling the same, and I'm in the same situation
| on all accounts. I think it may be all that has been going on
| the past months is just starting to now manifest itself in
| these feelings.
|
| I also noticed that in instances where the one or two
| families still home on my block who had friends or family
| pull up I felt kind of envious, which has never happened
| before.
| trentnix wrote:
| _> I think this whole christmas thing makes a lot of people
| feel alone and depressed. I hate that._
|
| My children think "this whole Christmas thing" is the very best
| day of the year. And there is nothing that brings me more joy
| than watching them make memories they'll cherish all of their
| days - memories like the ones I made when I was a kid. So no,
| it is not a day like many others. It's Christmas, and it's
| special to me and mine.
|
| I have genuine sadness that you don't share in the same joy my
| children experience in the the wonder and joy this Holiday
| brings. But I find it contemptible that you would diminish the
| joy others have in Christmas in order to justify your own
| malcontent.
|
| Other people's joy is _not_ your problem and _not_ something
| that needs fixing.
| asdf_snar wrote:
| I took the post as just being part of any other day, it just
| coincidentally happened that it's Christmas, and out of the
| blue after my partner of four years with whom I had planned to
| move across the ocean, buy a house and have kids with, broke up
| with me yesterday. I think you have a solid point, that there's
| no reason to put holidays on a pedestal. But in this case, hey,
| who cares -- it really helped to read everything people here
| had to say. Being suddenly alone and without familiar warmth
| makes NYC feel so desperately lonely.
| pixelbreaker wrote:
| Agreed, posts like this exacerbate the feeling of being alone.
|
| I'm alone this Christmas, and it's bloody great, a morning of
| simracing, followed by pizza and a nap then maybe watch die
| hard.
|
| A large proportion of people seem to make the assumption that
| being with family is amazing and everyone should do it. But if
| your family are largely arseholes, then why waste your time and
| energy?
| FourthProtocol wrote:
| This so much. My wife and son are in France with the parents
| in-law. I refused to go because racism and bigotry and, and,
| and... I have also loved being alone my entire life. I made a
| bird feeder this morning.
| jimmygrapes wrote:
| >refuse [...] because of bigotry
|
| I think you might need to reevaluate either your word
| choice or your perceptions
| pixelbreaker wrote:
| Good work, happy birds!
| matt89 wrote:
| People can be "alone" but not feel "lonely". But you can
| definitely still feel "lonely" both while being alone and
| around others
|
| I think this post addresses the feeling of loneliness rather
| than any specific alone/not alone situation. And feelings are
| really hard to get rid of, so it's not actually that easy to
| just "not feel" something.
|
| Feelings like this should be analysed, understood and maybe
| slowly accepted as part of life, and then people usually can
| find some kind of peace and happiness.
| DeusExMachina wrote:
| You might think you are helping people, but you are not.
|
| You can't argue against solitude. If people feel alone, it's
| because they would like to be around others, but can't.
|
| Telling them not to feel that way "just because" is useless,
| and telling them they should feel like you do because you
| decided it's better is just condescending.
| cblconfederate wrote:
| > If people feel alone, it's because they would like to be
| around others, but can't.
|
| Partly. People may genuinely want to be alone, but the
| culture spewed by the media says that everyone is social and
| happy and warm and fuzzy this time of the year, like, they
| _must be_ , to the point where it's wrong not to be.
| Hollywood-style culture has done many numbers on society,
| this is one of them.
| FourthProtocol wrote:
| Being christmas I feel being charitable is apropos. You're
| right, and GP means well.
| thoms_a wrote:
| It depends on your perspective. The extant reality is that we
| are all alone, although we perform incredible feats of mental
| gymnastics to convince ourselves otherwise.
|
| OP has decided to simply rip off the band-aid, and accept
| reality. This is very painful in the short term, but
| incredible fulfilling in the long-term.
|
| Human existence is individual existence. Human survival is
| group survival, but that is another matter entirely.
| Presently, our societies are not structured to incentivize
| survival (quite the opposite, in fact). The dissatisfaction
| expressed in this discussion is a result of this dissonance.
| However, individuals can rarely alter the behavior of
| society, and as such, investing one's energies in this
| direction is often destructive. This iteration of society
| will cease to exist, and the society which survives it will
| by necessity value relationships and fecundity. However,
| societies can stay unhealthy far longer than individuals can
| remain sane. Therefore, it is best to accept solitude, and be
| pleasantly surprised, than to dread it and suffer.
| AnonHP wrote:
| > It's just a day like many others. There is really nothing to
| it.
|
| For most of the western world and all the countries where
| Christmas is a big holiday season, it's just not a day like any
| other. It's one of those few times in a year when families get
| together, and in the case of the above mentioned countries,
| people travel far to meet and be with others. The people who do
| this may not be Christian or believe in Christmas either, but
| it's traditionally become a time to meet and spend time with
| others. Since a lot of the world population lives in the
| Northern Hemisphere, where it's usually winter (like) time
| around Christmas and kinda cold and/or gloomy, it makes a lot
| of sense for a species like homo sapiens to spend time indoors
| with others and find some comfort that they cannot readily find
| stepping outside.
|
| I'm not saying that all this is universally true, but at this
| time, wherever you find people either trying to be with family
| and extended family or are unhappy that they aren't able to,
| this is the culture. Anyone who doesn't feel this way could
| potentially be made to feel as the odd one out or feel excluded
| from communities.
|
| Considering how the nearly two-year-long pandemic has turned
| social lives and traditions into non-events, I think we need to
| comfort people virtually. It costs almost nothing.
| dheera wrote:
| Definitely.
|
| It's also not helping that Facebook seems to be shadowbanning
| me sometimes and not showing my content to my own friends.
|
| This seems to be a new widespread problem since a couple
| months ago, because I click into some friends' profiles and
| see things that were never in my feed on those days.
| pferdone wrote:
| I get your point of view, but for a lot of people it's not.
| Friends leave for family, life comes to a hold in a lot of
| countries (shops closed etc.) and the whole vibe created around
| this day screams togetherness (family, friends, and so on).
| Some people don't need it. But there can be people that feel
| left out, although they like to be left alone, because everyone
| suddenly adjusts to that time and they don't.
|
| What I'm trying to say, why do we not just take posts like
| these and accept that it can do something positive for people.
| Nothing more nothing less. This bit by Ricky Gervais perfectly
| sums your post up for me:
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3dxMGzt5mU
| mym1990 wrote:
| Almost every major holiday is hyper commercialized and stresses
| people being together and buying things for each other, etc...
| so from that standpoint it definitely exacerbates the feeling
| of loneliness for some who can't/don't participate. But I don't
| think telling someone to just "not feel alone" is a viable
| solution. Loneliness and being alone are different things.
| Plenty of people love being alone and in their own thing,
| plenty of people do not love being lonely.
| tayo42 wrote:
| I kind of don't like gift giving... I feel stressed trying to
| like gifts that were given to me that I don't need (In
| general im bothered by unnecessary plastic and consumerism,
| im kind of minimal) If i do want something I know what
| particular thing i want and just get it my self. i get
| stressed by gift giving, trying to pick something worth while
| and something someone wants.
| AviationAtom wrote:
| mancerayder wrote:
| We live in a time that, even before covid, there are a record
| number of single people in their 30's and 40's (in the U.S. and
| some Western European countries I am assuming as well), and to go
| one step further, a record number with no interest in having kids
| (or some fear that's keeping them). [1]
|
| We live in a different times. Many are alone.
|
| 1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-
| single/202009...
| Ostrogodsky wrote:
| Meh, I have been alone for like 18 straight Christmas. Life goes
| on. BTW dont believe the people saying "I care about you" "Feel
| free to reach me by email", that's an exercise in showing off. If
| you think you cant cope, contact a professional who can help you,
| not a rando on the Internet.
| ragingrobot wrote:
| I'm in the same boat, no family or friends to share with. It's
| been a wet and dreary day here in NJ, spent all of it outside.
|
| The sun came out for a few minutes, and grabbed a steak from the
| freezer. It's gone away again now, but too late. Screw it, I'm
| barbequing myself a steak for Christmas.
|
| All of you out there alone today, enjoy. Get out that (perhaps
| metaphorical) steak of yours and enjoy.
| mongol wrote:
| Fortunately I have never been alone at Christmas, but plenty New
| Years Eves. I think I can relate but I think these events are
| quite different, one is mostly about family, and the other mostly
| about friends. Wish you a pleasant holiday no matter where you
| are.
| devoutsalsa wrote:
| I hope I'm alone, or someone is getting a free show. I'm not
| wearing pants.
|
| Also, Merry Christmas!
| ausudhz wrote:
| Go live on twitch! Oh oh oh
| maverick74 wrote:
| There are also those who have lost many loved ones...
|
| For those, Christmas is a mix of happiness and sadness. Happiness
| if there is someone left with who to share our life with, sadness
| for missing those who left...
|
| You're not alone either!
| vmihailenco wrote:
| Happy Christmas
| pjmlp wrote:
| Not in the same situation, but could have been so due to a very
| set of dark moments during 2021 that also made this Christmas a
| very sad one to myself.
|
| Have a big virtual hug.
| fxtentacle wrote:
| Your situation is way more common than you probably think. My IRC
| and discord channels have been very lively in the past 24h. Lots
| of shared good mood by people celebrating "alone by body, but not
| by mind".
| bigodbiel wrote:
| Merry Christmas all! And remember no one is truly lonely.
|
| Have a virtual hug from me. Love you all
| kombine wrote:
| I'm an immigrant living in the UK by myself and it is not even in
| my homeland tradition to celebrate Christmas. So today will just
| be a regular Saturday for me!
| abledon wrote:
| happy dec 25th coffee in the morning feeling!
| ignoramous wrote:
| Even if one doesn't "celebrate" the year-end holidays, the
| vibes all around are _alright_ , to be fair. The coffee, much
| like the air you breathe-in itself, feels very different when
| almost everyone is in a jolly good mood.
| saila wrote:
| In my experience, in the U.S., the vibes around this time
| of year are often frenetic, stressed, and full of forced
| holiday merriment. If I could find a way to completely
| avoid late November to early January, I would.
| tayo42 wrote:
| Usually your right, with this new post covid lifestyle i
| find christmas is not really jammed down my throat
| anymore. No office events, minimal shopping so im not
| spending time in shopping districts anymore, and it helps
| i dont have cable so im not getting commercials or
| anything.
| i13e wrote:
| Thank you for this post, I spent the majority of Christmas '19
| and '20 alone and it was in the middle of a very challenging time
| of my life. I'm very young and grateful for the friends and
| others that included me in their holiday celebrations, and having
| time alone to reflect and come to the realization that Christmas
| doesn't come from having family to share it with.
|
| While most traditional Christmas stories and many people focus on
| celebrating children, love and family, material goods, etc it's
| also about looking on the bright side of life, counting your
| blessings, and carrying on traditions. A happy Christmas is a
| choice, and my advice to all who are alone today is this: Build
| your own traditions, buy yourself something and wrap it up nice,
| decorate a tree, make gingerbread houses, or cook a meal you
| really like, whatever appeals to you.
|
| I'll leave you with the last line from _How the Grinch Stole
| Christmas_ and a link to an _In Our Time_ episode about ( _A
| Christmas Carol_ )[https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0012fl5]:
|
| "Welcome Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Who's far and
| near Christmas day is in our grasp, so long as we have hands to
| clasp. Christmas day will always be, just as long as we have we.
| Welcome Christmas while we stand, heart to heart and hand in
| hand."
| pawelwentpawel wrote:
| We're actually running a virtual party right now for people who
| happen to be in front of their screens this xmas. Feel free to
| join, say hi and have a coffee with us! -
| https://flat.social/f/hn-virtual-xmas
| YsdtSupa wrote:
| darepublic wrote:
| Thanks for the hug OP, right back at you. Happy Christmas
| YsdtSupaDupa wrote:
| xmaas wrote:
| I hear what you're saying, OP. Also spending Christmas alone
| here, but to me it's just another day too. Also, I'm not really a
| fan of Christmas anyway.
|
| We're bombarded with so many messages about Christmas being a
| time of happiness and togetherness, but it's with false intent;
| it's mostly all about guilting people into buying unnecessary
| consumer products for their loved ones, and increasing revenues
| for retailers.
|
| Christmas was stolen from the Christians and had the act of
| collective worship for their saviour - a genuine feeling of
| coming together as one with a community - replaced with secular
| commercialism.
|
| The modern icon of Christmas, Santa Claus, favours the rich above
| the poor, is used to promote a narrow and capitalist view of a
| worthwhile family time, and wasn't even crucified. Even as an
| atheist, I feel quite bad for the Christians that their festival
| has been upended with this nonsense.
|
| These days, I only wish Christians a Merry Christmas. Everyone
| else can just enjoy their Happy Holidays or Good Winterval or
| whatever.
| YsdtSupaDupa wrote:
| madroga wrote:
| I think we are more alone than ever, as a virtual hug is not an
| actual hug. Better would be for us to stop being delusional and
| try harder to find a way to live in a real community where we can
| feel each other's warmth again.
|
| Thanks for the good intention, and a Merry Christmas to all.
| smcleod wrote:
| Right back at you. Not an easy day to be alone. Don't do anything
| silly people. Call someone you care about if you can.
| zawazawa wrote:
| Thanks for this post. As alone as one could be this Christmas.
| Family over 8000km away, and no real friends or significant other
| to spend it with. Have a huge deadline on January 6th but I cant
| bring myself to work any more for that today.
| curious_cat_163 wrote:
| And a virtual hug back at ya!
| Wisdomlife wrote:
| Thank you. I am alone but more happy than most others. Because I
| am free from internal and external vices. That is the true
| message behind Christmas. Let us celebrate each and every moment
| of our lives. May all always be very happy and healthy.
| Kirtirajsinh wrote:
| Sending Virtual Hugs Bro. Sending you best wishes for the Next
| Year.
| siva7 wrote:
| A holiday is only as important as you make it. There are lots of
| people who don't give a damn about which holiday it is because it
| bears no meaning to them and still are perfectly chilled friends.
| There is nothing wrong with that
| zscore wrote:
| Merry Christmas OP. I'm not a christian and I wasn't feeling
| particularly odd about being alone today as compared to any other
| day. I had delicious Foul, Zaatar Manakish and Falafel in the
| breakfast today. The rest of the day couldn't be any better
| either
|
| Sending you a virtual hug nonetheless :)
| manuelabeledo wrote:
| I feel you. Haven't been with my family for almost three years
| now, although I'm lucky I have my wife and children with me.
| Let's hope next year gets better!
| axegon_ wrote:
| Don't sweat it. I generally ignore holidays: I don't care about
| them. I spent this Christian with my parents largely because they
| insisted. I think with age I start carrying less and less about
| holidays. When I was 20, spending say new years alone sounded
| like a nightmare. At 32 last new year, I spent it on the couch
| with my dog watching movies and building a huge ass Lego set and
| to be completely honest it was probably my best new years eve.
| yodsanklai wrote:
| Same here... I've spent so many xmas/nye alone that I'm totally
| indifferent to it. It's really like any other day. Also I can
| use the holiday to rest or travel to warm countries instead of
| over-eating and drinking.
| andreisbc wrote:
| I'm looking to move and work in the US this year, together with
| my wife (she's a phd, I'm a dropout, both coming from the EU).
| Our plan is to grow a remote dev team to build cool products. We
| have access to professionals and can also tap into universities
| for promising students. If anyone feels like Santa, I can share
| my Linkedin profile. Best wishes
| uniclaude wrote:
| I vividly remember coding, moderating IRC channels and playing
| StarCraft while being alone on a Christmas night, lobbies were
| full of joy and wishes, games were fun, and I felt way less
| lonely than while spending time with people I didn't really
| connect with.
|
| Christmas is seen as a moment to be spent with people, but IMO
| this day is only what you make of it. It is not bad to want to be
| totally alone, or connected with online randoms!
|
| There are many people in these virtual worlds that you probably
| share something with if you spend Christmas alone or are reading
| this message on Dec 25th. I'm glad HN exists.
|
| And if you really want another experice, go east if you can
| afford it, and enjoy in places where Dec 24/25th are just regular
| days.
| rvnx wrote:
| This Metaverse / NFT thing is depressing, I wouldn't recommend
| this. If you are alone, better take the "celebrations" as an
| opportunity to discover people that are a little bit of your
| usual circle by inviting them for a dinner or movie. The
| COVID-19 makes more people lonely, and actually, it's a
| positive thing for people who are usually alone because it
| makes it easier for them to live with the social stigma of
| being alone.
| uniclaude wrote:
| I didn't mean metaverse/nft, HN is a virtual world.
| jpindar wrote:
| This whole "people on the internet aren't real people" thing
| is SO 20th century.
| mehdix wrote:
| I understand you OP. I'll add a little bit of my story hoping it
| would comfort you or people in similar situations.
|
| I went through a divorce with a massive emotional rollercoaster
| which devastated me for a few years. Lost excellent job/research
| opportunities/offers. Lost contact with family, friends and
| mates. Got social anxiety, avoided people and felt
| unprecedentedly alone. Life pushed me off my limits and left me
| crushed and helpless.
|
| But I survied. Got a deeper appreciation for good things in life.
| For time, for loved ones, for humans, for I am one. Tried my luck
| with a new job, joined again some communities recovered some of
| my old hobbies and good habits. I got to know myself better.
|
| The thing is, it will pass. What helped me was deriving value
| from within and jogging.
|
| I wish you luck and Merry Christmas!
| [deleted]
| nomorecommas wrote:
| Bah humbug!
| Flankk wrote:
| This year has been rough. The antiviral pills are just getting
| approved, seem to be effective. There's a chance we'll get back
| to normal in the new year. Merry Christmas!
|
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEaKX9YYHiQ
| whitesilhouette wrote:
| My guess is we will be able to come to a definitive answer by
| next year March if we go by the cyclic nature of this.
| dvermilion wrote:
| upstarter wrote:
| Nobody in this World has ever been alone.
|
| Everybody has their team of guides in the higher dimensions, and
| they are never on vacation, they are present every second of
| every day and every night.
|
| You just need to learn to perceive them and to connect to them.
| goodpoint wrote:
| > Everybody has their team of guides in the higher dimensions
|
| Citation needed.
|
| I'd rather be reminded that we share the planet with 7.9
| billion other humans. A tiny planet all alone in an immense
| universe.
|
| On this planet we are all alone, together.
| upstarter wrote:
| > Citation needed.
|
| _Experience needed_ is what you're actually saying. For those
| living exclusively in the material dimension and who are thus
| having a hard time with the subtle dimensions, psychedelics
| may give you that break-through experience that you need as a
| starting point.
| KptMarchewa wrote:
| Yikes.
| trkaky wrote:
| Thanks for pointing out something not so obvious for everyone.
| I'm trying hard to stay connected. Peace.
| amcoastal wrote:
| If you're reading this don't take this advice, its really bad.
| Unless you don't believe in anything, you have to believe in
| something. If you can't believe in yourself, mythical beings
| isn't a terrible place to start.
| iammjm wrote:
| Yikes
| amcoastal wrote:
| Yeah, telling someone to believe in themselves instead of
| higher dimensional beings is such a terrible thing.
| upstarter wrote:
| > believe in themselves instead of higher dimensional
| beings
|
| Note:
|
| It's not about not believing in yourself.
|
| It's about acquiring the certainty that you are actually
| linked to the benevolent beings in the higher dimensions.
| Once you realize this, you can get immense
| help/guidance/information/capabilities. In short: It's
| about _empowering_ yourself, not _limiting_ yourself.
| kello wrote:
| Thank you so much for this! I hope you all have a wonderful
| Christmas spending it exactly the way you want to.
| acqbu wrote:
| Thanks, you too. Solitary Christmas here too - being an INTJ, I
| wouldn't like it any other way. To me, this is a great
| opportunity to review the past year, plan/predict the next one
| and work on some cool side projects. All best wishes!
| abzug wrote:
| Thank you for this gesture. I lost almost everything. Job, 7-year
| relationship, my mental health.
|
| Feeling that I'm not only alone but inadequate to have a life
| like anybody else.
|
| I'm still alive, so there's that.
| sillysaurusx wrote:
| I think if you're posting this to HN, you want to talk to
| someone about all of this.
|
| I happen to like hearing about your life, so please feel free
| to DM me any time. https://twitter.com/theshawwn
|
| Happy to just listen. No advice.
| SCUSKU wrote:
| +1 -- This wonderful man helped me and listened via twitter
| DMs when I was in a rut.
| blip54321 wrote:
| It's a kind offer.
|
| I will mention that I suspect many people going through this
| won't be comfortable with Twitter as the means of
| communications....
| lisper wrote:
| I'm happy to "listen" via email. Follow the link in my
| profile to find my contact info. Put "HN" in the subject
| line to get past my spam filter.
| asxd wrote:
| It's amazing how helpful it can be to have a sounding board.
| This is a very nice gesture.
| andrei_says_ wrote:
| Glad you're alive. Another virtual hug from a stranger on the
| internet.
| XIVMagnus wrote:
| Being single is a blessing on its own, merry xmas!
| headmelted wrote:
| I realise you didn't post this looking for advice (and I
| apologise if this is unwelcome), but if I can relate one small
| thing from my own personal mental health nadir:
|
| _Walk. Outdoors. In the greenest place you can find._
|
| No, it won't change anything that you've been through, but it
| really will help you to quiet everything for a small chunk of
| time to let your mind get a rest from it.
|
| Please don't ever think you're inadequate. No-one, not even
| you, as any idea what might be waiting in your future :-)
| sfjailbird wrote:
| To add to this great advice, if you feel lazy to start, get a
| good audio book and listen as you walk. It becomes a kind of
| reward for going for a walk, you get a chapter or two of a
| great book.
| mdip wrote:
| I'll second this advice: I can't walk alone when I'm
| depressed. The quieting effect of being alone just causes
| my mind to go crazy with all of my problems.
|
| An audio book at that time, however, is a _great_ solution.
| Audio books, for me, can 't occupy my entire mind. I can't
| sit and listen to an audio book. At the same time, they
| occupy enough of my mind that I can't do other mentally
| intense things and pay attention to the book at the same
| time. I had used them for driving, yard work, and other
| boring tasks to quiet the noise in my head and the feeling
| of boredom[0] that the task occupies.
|
| When walking with a good audio book, I can observe the
| world without the noise of my circumstances and it really
| is a peaceful exercise.
|
| [0] For me, boredom _drives_ depression.
| johndubchak wrote:
| I would agree. The saying, "Idle hands are the devils
| playground" can be appropriated as, "An idle mind is the
| fertile soil of the depressed."
|
| Although the reality is the mind is anything but idle for
| those predisposed to depression. The rumination, negative
| thought patterns and self-critical thoughts are worse
| than a prison sentence of solitary confinement.
|
| For those who may not understand this, imagine standing
| over a 5 year old constantly berating them, in a
| horrifically negative way, for every action they take,
| good or bad. Now imagine the effects of that over years
| or decades.
| abzug wrote:
| No need to apologize.
|
| Thanks for the help and kind words.
| greggman3 wrote:
| > Walk. Outdoors. In the greenest place you can find.
|
| Then my allergies will flair up and I'll have a miserable 1-2
| days of recovery and be hating life. No thanks
| whalesalad wrote:
| Have you familiarized yourself with Complex-PTSD?
|
| You're just as worthy of life on this earth as anything else.
| Hang in there!
| markdjacobsen wrote:
| I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through a dark
| night of the soul a few years ago amidst some professional
| setbacks. More recently, I've been on the edge of losing my
| 17-year marriage; we are still exploring whether reconciliation
| is possible.
|
| The vulnerability, honesty, and goodwill in threads like this
| always warms my heart and bolsters my faith in humanity. I'll
| offer my own contribution. I wrote a deeply personal book
| called "Eating Glass" about navigating these seasons when
| everything seems to fall apart. I mention it from time to time
| on HN when I think it could be helpful, but today I'll just
| post the entire book for free: https://s3.us-
| west-1.amazonaws.com/com.markdjacobsen/Eating+.... My passion
| is just to help others walking similar journeys. Consider it a
| resource if it's helpful.
|
| I wish you well on your own journey, and everyone else going
| through similar experiences.
| mrich wrote:
| thanks for the book, very kind of you. it is rated 4.9/5
| stars in Amazon too!
| apbytes wrote:
| Hang in there! And to add to what others have said, I found it
| extremely helpful to stay away from sad music, romantic shows,
| etc. until you feel strong again. And keep your body moving!
| sidcool wrote:
| Stay strong. I don't know your circumstances, but it's never
| too late to forgive or to ask for forgiveness. It's never too
| late to accept or redeem yourself.
|
| Merry Christmas, bro/sis.
| hsavit1 wrote:
| it shouldn't be required to have a social circle to enjoy the
| holiday season, if people truly extended christmas greetings
| and cheer to others around them. unfortunately since the 1950s,
| christmas has evolved into a commercial and transactional
| affair.
| garyrob wrote:
| I had some absolutely miserable times, which your comment
| reminds me of, when I was in my 20's. I'm 65 now, and my two
| grown kids have come to stay with my wife and my for Christmas.
| We played a board game for hours last night, like when they
| were young, and had lots of laughter together...
|
| My point is that what you're going through will pass. It does
| take work; so keep up doing the things you know must be done to
| move your life ahead. You have received lots of good advice in
| this thread; I don't need to say more (except one thing I will
| add at the end). Do what you need to do, and this period will
| be over, and life will be good.
|
| My one piece of advice is that I've found meditation is very
| helpful. It enables me to let go of negative thinking that
| arises from painful times decades ago, when those thoughts do
| arise. It's a very important part of my life now.
| hmate9 wrote:
| Merry Christmas to you fellow HN stranger <3
| wruza wrote:
| I lost some parts of my mental health too after two last years
| (unrelated to global "events", and partly due to a failed
| relationship). Idk if it makes it easier, but you're faaar from
| alone in it. Just live through the biggest of this, because
| when things clump up they feel much worse than they are.
| dqpb wrote:
| You're not alone, but you are unique. You're existence is the
| only thing that can compute what comes next on this trajectory.
| There is a space of possibilities ahead of you that never have
| and never will be available to anyone else, ever. As such, you
| are infinitely and uniquely valuable.
| jliptzin wrote:
| Don't feel like a failure over the relationship. Remember the
| default state of relationships is failure, well over 50% break
| up or the couple is miserable but still stay together anyway
| for various reasons. Try to learn from any mistakes you made
| when you get into the next one.
| koonsolo wrote:
| Hang in there!
|
| I also had a dark period some years back. Such things can sure
| mess with your ego and make you feel like a loser.
|
| On the other hand, when you hit rock bottom, there is not much
| left to lose. You can start building up your life again the way
| you want.
| abzug wrote:
| If you're nobody, you can be anything you want to.
| barney54 wrote:
| You aren't nobody! Randos on Hacker News love you!
| barney54 wrote:
| And I'm one of the randos!
| Cloudef wrote:
| Sorry to hear that. Hopefully things turn around for the good
| for you :(
| ejanus wrote:
| Keep living tomorrow will be better.
| mahathu wrote:
| Going by your username, are you German as well?
|
| I'm also going through a breakup right now, albeit from a
| shorter relationship. I was happy to spend Christmas with my
| sister to have some illusion of a functional family, it was
| nice. It feels unbearable at times but I try to find solace in
| the fact the world is so vast and full of opportunity and so
| much more than what you're (I am) able to see in the current
| moment. Your plan to study to become a programmer sounds great
| and you'll be in a much different place in a year than you are
| now. Hope you can pull through until then.
| abzug wrote:
| Not german, just love the Kraftwerk song.
| swat535 wrote:
| I was exactly in your situation 2 years ago (at the start of
| COVID) and I know what you're going through. I'm not going to
| tell you to "stay strong" , emotions are a natural thing and
| should not be suppressed and it's ok to be vulnerable.
|
| However, there are a few things that helped me get through the
| dark times, I am writing them below in the hopes that you may
| find them useful:
|
| 1. Exercise, this is absolutely critical. If you have never
| done it, it's ok, Julian has a great guide to get started:
| https://www.julian.com/guide/muscle/intro but there are also
| lots of guides online.
|
| 2. Nutrition is another one, stay away from junk food. Your
| brain will try to find comfort in high calorie / sugary foods,
| don't let it win. Eat vegetables and proteins instead.
|
| 3. Sleep is a tough one, but also important. Do whatever you
| need to sleep (exercising will help a lot). Your brain will
| keep you up at night, learn to recognize this pattern and avoid
| it when you can.
|
| 4. Make a plan. Grab a blank sheet of paper and think of one
| goal you would like to accomplish, then make the task into
| smaller sub tasks and from there derive a schedule for
| achieving it. This will help you stay productive and improve
| your state of mind.
|
| 5. Research. This oddly helped me a lot, I started researching
| psychology, relationships, listened to "dating" advice (I
| know.. some speakers were good, some were trash but I enjoyed
| them nonetheless), TED talks, books, etc.
|
| 6. Join communities. If you're an introvert like I am, this is
| difficult at first but you can start slow. I did this slowly,
| made a few friends online, then worked up the courage to join
| discord, then started messaging some of my old friends on
| Facebook, then had some phone calls and eventually met people
| face to face (whenever COVID restrictions would allow of
| course)
|
| 7. Don't reach out to your ex, when she/he calls you (and they
| will) don't respond, avoid contact with their families, don't
| read old messages, delete their picture, etc Trust me, you have
| been shot with high caliber rounds right now, you need to heal
| and they will only get in the way of it.
| TedDoesntTalk wrote:
| I went from a completely sedentary desk life to running a
| half-marathon in 7 months (includes a 1 month groin injury).
| On a treadmill, training myself.
|
| You can do it, too, and the effect on mood is spectacular. In
| fact the effect on mood comes way before a half-marathon. So
| don't get overwhelmed and think you have to do that much.
| verst wrote:
| I'll add that virtually all running groups you find on
| Facebook or Meetup are very welcoming of new runners of all
| experience and ability levels. Having the regular schedule
| of a running group helps a lot with keeping up the regular
| exercise, especially when the weather gets questionable.
|
| Running groups seem intimidating to everyone - even
| reasonably fast amateur runners. Once you go however you
| will find you will meet lots of interesting people all
| working to stay healthy or challenge their own personal
| goals. It's absolutely not a competitive environment.
| abzug wrote:
| Thanks, I have plans to exercise coming 2022.
| addnab wrote:
| Don't wait till 2022 or even tomorrow. You need to train
| your mind to see good habits like exercising as something
| fundamental as breathing instead of a chore. Start today.
| It can be little as single push up or a 10 sec plank.
| Start tiny and work your way up. Churning out a quick 25
| pushups will soon be easy and effortless in a couple of
| months time if you can only do 1 today.
|
| I'm not a fan of self help books in general but Atomic
| Habits really changed my mindset for good.
| akavel wrote:
| I heartily recommend the r/bodyweightfitness's
| Recommended Routine (https://old.reddit.com/r/bodyweightf
| itness/wiki/kb/recommend...). I found it _extremely_
| reasonable, convincing, and beginner-friendly. It has
| detailed progressions on what to start from if you can 't
| do a pushup or other (all the way up to if you can do it
| on one hand or whatever), and is absolutely not
| condescending, instead gives amazingly practical advice.
| It doesn't ask you to do more than 8 repetitions of any
| major exercise _ever_ in a series, regardless how
| advanced you are, and there 's whole ton of explanations
| why it's enough and why physiologically the freaking
| _breaks_ between exercises are important and _must not be
| shortened_. I found it amazingly anti-bullshit yet super
| approachable.
| ColinWright wrote:
| If something is a good idea, don't put it off. I don't
| understand people who make New Year resolutions and wait
| until the New Year to do them.
|
| If it's a good idea ... start now!
| weaksauce wrote:
| I want to add to this... i set a goal a while back of
| doing the equivalent point in duolingo every day of like
| 2 or 3 lessons. that didn't work in the long term and the
| streak went away and i lost the motivation to keep
| "stubbing my toe" so to speak every few days. I changed
| it to 1 lesson a day and the streak is almost 700 days in
| a row now and there is usually some motivation to do an
| extra few lessons or not once you get going. but just
| doing it and making the goals small will build those
| habits. I would say start really, really small in the
| goals and it will pay off. do 5 pushups or even if it's
| just one pushup it will add up and make it more
| manageable and more likely that you will stick with it.
| ColinWright wrote:
| What I've started this week is this:
|
| * One each of push-up, sit-up, burpee, star jump, squat,
| and run up and down the stairs;
|
| * Every week, increase by 1.
| abzug wrote:
| Thank you so much for this. I'm already doing some (2, 4, 5)
| others are planned for 2022 (1, 3, 6). But 7 is brutal. I was
| going to propose but things changed.
|
| Anyway, again: thank you very much. This is very appreciated.
| Very kind of you.
| gordon_freeman wrote:
| Also would like to add one more: Read books especially ones
| that motivate you. I was in similar boat as you are a few
| years ago and the books like "The Checklist Manifesto" and
| "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" helped me
| immensely.
| johndubchak wrote:
| This cannot be overstated - the uplifting effect of the
| written word feels much more potent than hearing it from
| a friend or scouring YouTube videos.
|
| I have found this book (https://tinyurl.com/4k27x6s9) to
| be a wonderful resource. I know there are many more to
| recommend, but I would start with the basics.
|
| *EDIT - spelling.
| mym1990 wrote:
| Just the fact that you are already doing things to bounce
| back is amazing. All of your experiences would be hard to
| handle as one offs, but you are an incredibly strong
| individual for having all 3 happen at the same time. Take
| it a little bit at a time...I know HN can't be with you in
| person, but we are with you in spirit!
| apatters wrote:
| Employee, significant other, these are roles we may adopt at
| certain stages in our lives, but they're certainly not
| everything. They represent only a fraction of your potential.
|
| Another way to look at things is that you've just gained a
| tremendous amount of agency. You're no longer required to
| perform these roles. There are surely dreams or opportunities
| out there which you wanted to pursue but were never able to.
| Take whatever amount of time you feel is appropriate to grieve,
| it's very normal to experience distress in the face of radical
| change. Then pursue them. There won't be many times in your
| life when you're presented with a clean slate like this.
| AviationAtom wrote:
| You can't always control much in life, but one thing I've
| learned that you can always control is perspective. Sometimes
| it's nice to be the "This Is Fine" dog, blissfully ignoring all
| that isn't right, and focusing on what is (that cup-o-joe in
| front of you?) Doing that can help when awaiting calmer seas.
|
| Hang in there. I think the past two years have been rough for
| many, so you aren't alone in the struggles. If you haven't
| already gotten diet and exercise to a good point then that can
| also be good for helping both the body and the mind.
|
| Additionally, I'm always up for a chat, if anyone ever needs
| someone to reach out to.
| dpweb wrote:
| Alone also, and that's ok. Don't be afraid to seek out help
| when you need it.
| 29athrowaway wrote:
| My philosophy is to try to make an effort to make the best
| decisions you can make given what's available to you: your
| values, information and resources. When you live your life
| trying your best, you will be able to tell your future self
| that you did the best you could given each situation, and have
| no regrets.
|
| Why? because even if your decision was mistaken, it was the
| best decision you could have made at that time.
| mdip wrote:
| You are not alone; at least,... your struggles are shared. I
| haven't lost the job, but lost an 8-year relationship at the
| beginning of the month (about 7 days before my birthday). I'm
| guessing your mental health issues might originate from those
| events, or maybe not; I can't speak to those, personally -- I'm
| experiencing my share of depression, but I know it's because of
| my circumstances.
|
| You're still alive, but you probably don't feel like you're
| living. Maybe life is becoming a bit like getting from one
| difficult thing to the next. And those "things" aren't anything
| that is normally difficult, but feels overwhelming. I've both
| been there recently and have been there, in the past. It's
| tough and my heart goes out to you.
|
| Most advice is bad so here comes mine: get from one thing to
| the next for a little while. Take the time. You need it. And
| understand one thing: you're not special[0]. Whatever mistakes
| you're beating yourself up over many, many others have made and
| experienced the same or worse circumstances. The very vast
| majority overcome those mistakes, and many do it without
| medication, doctors or other treatment[1].
|
| And then there's "later" -- whatever that is: During a divorce
| group meeting a gentleman said something that greatly affected
| my life: Whether its winning the lottery or becoming a
| quadriplegic, the happiness of both individuals looks pretty
| similar a year later. Neither have ever happened to me, but in
| my own life, that 1-year rule was something that time-and-again
| proved to be true. And my timeline is typically 3-4 months, not
| one year. As they say, "this too shall pass".
|
| I've lost a great job in the past. I found a better one. I lost
| a pretty rough relationship, not by choice, to the point that
| I'm not interested in doing that again. I _hate_ being
| alone[2], but I know that the sting will fade and I 'll start
| dating, again. And I know there's someone who will want to
| share life with me in a way that is more fulfilling than my
| former relationship was.
|
| Easily the biggest factor, for me, was re-discovering my
| Christian faith. I realize there aren't a lot of us in this
| place and I'm not interested in being preachy -- to each his
| own -- but its really the only thing I can credit with getting
| me through a really rough tragedy about a decade ago. It wasn't
| "being surrounded by other caring people at church" which
| caused me to be less lonely or made my life better because of
| that. I don't put myself out there very easily. I didn't know
| _anyone_ at my church and didn 't meet anyone until well after
| those circumstances passed. It was prayers, all of which were
| answered, several of which were answered in ways that I refer
| to them as miracles. Yeah, yeah, I can explain them as
| coincidences, too. They're not but I'm not going to attempt to
| defend that.
|
| The only other bit of advice I'd offer is stay as far away from
| alcohol or other mind altering substances as much as you can.
| One of the ways out is finding a purpose for your life to
| replace the ones you've lost. This will be impossible if you
| add another layer of resistance on top of the problems you
| already have. You lost. You're not a loser. You had a 7-year
| relationship. You had a job. Those came from something _you_
| did and you probably had far more success in those places than
| you had failure, but you won 't be able to see that clearly
| right now.
|
| I'm praying for you and your circumstances. This time of year
| really amplifies loneliness. I'm right here with you.
|
| Merry Christmas!
|
| [0] I chose that word intentionally, not insultingly. When I'm
| depressed it's easy to feel like I'm the only one who's going
| through what I'm going through and that I'm uniquely cursed.
| Somehow using the word "special" to describe that situation
| makes it seem a little less difficult.
|
| [1] I'm not saying _don 't do this_ -- I see a psychologist,
| regularly, now and have been doing that for a few years.
| Finding a _good psychologist_ changed my life and it might help
| you, too. I only mention this because it helps to get past the
| whole "I'm too depressed to call a doctor/doctors, so I'm
| going to be stuck here forever".
|
| [2] To clarify: I like alone time, I don't like "being alone".
| My family all lives pretty far away, I have few friends close
| by, I have a 3-bedroom house with "just me", I have my children
| part-time. I spend a lot of time stuck with my thoughts these
| days, but comparing today to 3 weeks ago, I'm happy _a lot of
| the time_ now -- maybe most of the time.
| abzug wrote:
| Thank you for the kind words, a lot resonated with me.
| cseleborg wrote:
| Hang in there! Mental health is serious business, I hope you
| have a good professional you can turn to.
|
| Programming is a great distractions, as others have pointed
| out. Make sure you don't use it to completely displace the pain
| you're feeling. You need to spend some time with it as well,
| that's how we humans deal with an it. Alternating between
| moments of distraction and periods of "dealing" is a good
| middle way, I think.
|
| You're a great human being, never forget that.
| abzug wrote:
| I just want to do something to move on.
| framecowbird wrote:
| This is great advice, I often use programming to distract
| myself from some pain or other. It can be a useful tool but
| can also become a long-term avoidance which isn't healthy.
| ayoubElk wrote:
| This too, shall pass.
|
| Going through tough times sucks, but it's extremely helpful to
| keep in mind that it will eventually pass.
|
| Stay strong.
| Cyril_HN wrote:
| Same here but it's a 5 year relationship. Similar feelings...
| With a persistent, almost frustrating sense of hope for the
| future that seems more deeply rooted inside of me than any
| actual plan to build from zero again.
|
| You're not alone in that experience. Which isn't information
| that has helped me at all. Except that I at least believe that
| others have been here and scrambled blindly and made it somehow
| too, so why not us?
| gigatexal wrote:
| Dang! That's tough! How are you coping? You good?
| abzug wrote:
| I'll be lying if I tell that I'm good.
|
| In 2022 I'll study to become a programmer.
|
| Focus on algorithms, data structures, and try to learn math
| (I'm very math illiterate, I don't know anything beyond basic
| arithmetic).
|
| So at least by this time next year I'll have more knowledge.
| gigatexal wrote:
| That's so dope. More power to you! It is good to have
| hobbies outside of tech and programming too. I find when
| I'm stuck doing something else helps me figure stuff out.
| And it helps to prevent burnout.
| kayodelycaon wrote:
| I'm a senior web application programmer in the US and
| absolutely suck at math. Most of the field doesn't require
| much math. Basic geometry and algebra would be enough.
| Knowing the basics of how to calculate combinations and
| permutations is useful.
|
| Some people have recommended Kahn Academy.
| https://www.khanacademy.org/
|
| Don't be afraid to use a calculator when things get
| complex. Calculators are not cheating. But try to do as
| much in your head and on paper as you can. It helps to
| learn why things work.
|
| You will get frustrated. Be patient and walk away for a bit
| when you need to. :)
| abzug wrote:
| Thanks for the pointers.
| beebeepka wrote:
| I also suck at math. As a web dev, I don't need much but
| doing 2d/3d graphics gave me headaches for a while.
|
| As a kid, I used to complain often and loudly that I
| would never need any of this stuff. Turns out I was
| wrong.
|
| You can turn around your life. I did so in my 30s. I am
| only saying this because there's a high chance you are an
| old fart since you know and like kraftwerk.
|
| As you have correctly guessed, it's not too late.
| abzug wrote:
| Thanks, I'm 36 by the way.
| maerF0x0 wrote:
| hey man, I'm in my 30s as well and definitely feel like
| I'm restarting life after a LTR ended in the spring.
|
| I like to remind myself of the encouraging phrase "We
| overestimate what we can can accomplish in a year, and
| under estimate what we can accomplish in five".
| Compounding gains is the game and humans always seem to
| underestimate their power
| thom wrote:
| Sounds like a great plan! Any way we here could help you
| out with some books or something?
| abzug wrote:
| Since I'm focusing on the job market, I'm collecting
| resources to learn C++. From what I gathered the best
| beginner book is Bjarne Stroustrup's Programming:
| Principles and Practice Using C++, which I think it'll be
| good since it's a programming book that uses C++ and not
| a book solely about C++.
|
| But I'm open to any advice.
| ethbr0 wrote:
| Be aware that C++ is the organ of programming languages.
| There are many jobs that require this complex of a tool,
| but there are _many_ jobs that do not.
|
| I went BASIC -> C++ -> Java -> Python (some years ago)
| while learning programming. Learning memory management
| fundamentals in an unmanaged language felt enormously
| helpful in recognizing the bigger picture in later
| managed languages.
|
| ... But! It wasn't required.
|
| Advice: Know what language(s) your target job market
| (there's a lot of programming) uses, and spend more time
| / practice on those. Most hiring folks don't know enough
| to evaluate language knowledge from a theoretically
| similar perspective.
| _huayra_ wrote:
| If you're focusing on just getting a software job and not
| shooting for a particular industry where C++ is used
| heavily, there are far more jobs that use much easier
| languages (e.g. C#, Java, Python). C++ really takes some
| time to understand the myriad nuances that other
| languages obviate through GC (or not having templates, or
| simpler rules about overloads, or no intricate
| distinctions over value categories, etc).
|
| Now if you're in to mastering complexity, C++ can be a
| great choice, as there are a ton of complex things to
| learn, but I would take a look at job postings where you
| think you might want to end up to see if it is actually
| required. It is very unsexy to talk about on HN, but for
| pure employability, Java (and other JVM-based languages)
| are probably the best in most areas. There are tons of
| remote jobs, and pretty much in any city, plus you can
| branch out into other JVM-based languages (e.g. Scala!)
| once you feel so inclined and still incorporate that at
| work. C# and F# have a similar "progression" and are now
| completely open source too!
|
| Good luck, whether or not you end up choosing C++!
| kaveh_h wrote:
| A bit of algebra is good to know but more math knowledge
| is really only required if you want to work in a domain
| which requires it like Machine Learning, graphics
| engines, Scientific Computing, algorithm development and
| some other domains.
|
| So I would explore and see how far you can get in math
| before investing to heavily into a specific language. If
| you want to learn one that's useful in many domains and
| is easy to learn while focusing your studies on math my
| suggestion is Python.
| daantje wrote:
| The is also "A tour of C++" from the same author, which
| might be a good start. Take care.
| abzug wrote:
| From what I gathered, it's a book geared towards
| programmers new to C++.
| vorticalbox wrote:
| I wish you the best of luck.
| abzug wrote:
| Thanks.
| evanmoran wrote:
| You can do it! Most coding is algebra, algebra 2, maybe
| trigonometry. Focus on those and you will do wonderfully.
|
| In game programming you would need linear algebra, but you
| can go a long way with just vectors, cross products, and
| dot products.
| chalcolithic wrote:
| I'm gonna be downvoted to hell but start with linear
| algebra. All the basics will be immediately useful for
| graphics programming.
| abzug wrote:
| Doesn't linear algebra requires a lot of
| background/intuition? I have none.
| divbzero wrote:
| There must be a good ELI5 intro to linear algebra out
| there that doesn't assume a ton of background but...
|
| I agree with other comments that linear algebra has
| limited relevance to learning programming. Your
| experience with Emacs gives you a far bigger leg up than
| mastering linear algebra would.
| ethbr0 wrote:
| IMHO, programming (the practice) itself doesn't require
| math.
|
| _Problems_ you solve with programming may or may not
| require math: the math requirements come from the
| specific problems.
|
| Every time I've used heavy math in programming, I've
| figured out the math for the problem in isolation, then
| programmed that solution.
| User23 wrote:
| > IMHO, programming (the practice) itself doesn't require
| math.
|
| Strictly that is incorrect, but I get what you mean and
| agree with the point you're communicating. I suspect it's
| largely due to the rather dysfunctional way mathematics
| is taught in America.
|
| Writing C for example requires knowledge of order of
| operations, inequalities, boolean arithmetic, and
| something very much like mathematical induction if you
| want your loops to terminate. Most programmers with the
| math optional mindset just don't think of all the math
| they're doing as math. For me the realization was
| empowering since once I realized I really was using a lot
| of math it inspired me to start filling gaps in my
| knowledge.
|
| Edit: This looks interesting: https://pimbook.org/
| ethbr0 wrote:
| > order of operations, inequalities, boolean arithmetic,
| and something very much like mathematical induction if
| you want your loops to terminate
|
| To a first approximation, this is a _substantially_ more
| limited set of concepts than even low-grade math.
|
| Iterating counters and loops is the most "general" math
| I've used on most problems, and for...each or equivalent
| auto-bounding functions over sized collections removes
| that.
|
| Can you write a 3D engine without math? No. Can you write
| a DB engine without math? No. Can you write a general web
| app without math? Probably.
|
| Point being: if your goal is to put food on the table by
| programming, a 2-year study plan worth of advanced math
| is better invested learning elsewhere.
| chalcolithic wrote:
| My impression is that everything is introduced along the
| way and LA gives you intuition instead of expecting it
| from you. But I've never done any advanced stuff.
| blip54321 wrote:
| Basic linear algebra can be taught in elementary school.
| It definitely doesn't require a lot of background.
|
| Most linear algebra courses and textbooks do. Without a
| lot of background, you'll run into a hard brick well.
|
| A few good starting points
|
| - Project Algebra's Road Coloring curriculum
|
| - 3B1B (on Youtube) has a series on the geometry of
| linear algebra. You should have the mechanics of
| adding/multiplying matrices, but not much more
|
| - Game theory is a nice place to explore early
|
| Linear algebra is a many, many year progression. It's
| quite deep and interesting. But you don't need to start
| with singular value decompositions and whatnot. Start
| with those sorts of things, and then apply it in
| different domains:
|
| - 3D graphics
|
| - Image processing
|
| - Control theory
|
| - Quantum computing
|
| - Data analysis
|
| ... and whatever else suits your interests.
|
| After a decade or so, if rather fascinating deep dives,
| you'll have a deep understanding not just of linear
| algebra but of some rather interesting domains.
| sillysaurusx wrote:
| Lol, you don't need linalg for graphics programming. All
| you need is an understanding of geometry. Thinking of a
| matrix as a system of linear equations has never once
| helped me. Whereas thinking of a matrix as a combination
| of rotations and translations has been the only tool I
| ever needed, pretty much.
|
| Just sayin', if someone is truly not a math person,
| saying "oh yeah, learn math and then learn graphics
| programming" is probably just going to discourage them.
|
| ML is supposedly all about math. And sure, I could walk
| you through a backprop pipeline at this point. But it
| took me years before that was useful knowledge to me. The
| practical experience of _doing_ it was way more
| interesting, and it lead to more knowledge than I would
| 've gotten with a traditional path.
| sillysaurusx wrote:
| If you're doing it to get your mind off things, it can be a
| wonderful distraction. One of the best in life, as far as
| I'm concerned.
|
| I was mostly math illiterate too. Geometry was my strong
| suit, not manipulating symbols. Still want to learn PDEs
| someday just for fun, mostly because I have no idea how to
| model anything as a PDE.
|
| But I would never try to learn PDEs to make money, because
| it would put me under a lot of pressure, since I wouldn't
| be doing it just for the knowledge. Just make sure you're
| having fun as you're questing your way towards programming.
| It's key.
| abzug wrote:
| It's just something that I enjoy and I can finally try to
| be good at and who knows, get a job doing it.
|
| I already use Emacs for everything since 2003, so...
| _huayra_ wrote:
| What field are you in that you use Emacs?
|
| I'm always curious what non-IT folks that use some rather
| IT-specific tools do (not that Emacs is just for coding
| like gcc, but it's pretty rare to see it jump over the
| wall).
| abzug wrote:
| Attorney but I read a ton of programming-related stuff,
| know how to use the command-line and used Emacs for a
| bunch of stuff. It's my shell, rolodex, text editor,
| calendar, file manager and, being Emacs there's a lot of
| little functions and stuff that I've built for myself
| and/or to make things easy.
| jl2718 wrote:
| This always amazes me to hear from non-IT people. I've
| spent so much of my life being forced to use Cybernetting
| AnyOffice* that I can't see how anybody would have been
| exposed to anything else without being part of some rogue
| nerd culture.
|
| Good on you, man, and honestly, I should be the last to
| take advice from, but you might benefit from a serious
| skills check-in to see what your real deck of cards is.
| Sit down and do it with someone who likes you and wants
| you to succeed, because it seems like you might not be in
| a state to evaluate yourself favorably. You might
| discover that you're sitting at the top and selling
| yourself into the bottom. I did this, and it was
| disastrous for my career. There's probably an upward step
| you're not seeing.
|
| * https://youtu.be/UMXs9i201AQ
| sillysaurusx wrote:
| Oh hell yes! That's awesome, and so are you. Please,
| definitely DM me on Twitter if you run into any
| roadblocks at all. I will always make time to help
| someone learn this stuff.
|
| Believe it or not, you managed to hit on the most
| lucrative long-term strategy, too. That's exactly the
| mindset that the best programmers have. If you like it,
| then a job is pretty much a matter of time.
|
| Best of luck, friend. Take care of yourself, and
| prioritize yourself. You're worth it.
| crossroadsguy wrote:
| You were able to have a seven year _long_ relationship. People
| spend their thirties or more without being in even one. I have
| tried and the best I could manage was 2 years. Second best was
| 4 months.
|
| At least according to me you definitely are not inadequate :)
| wobblybubble wrote:
| I'm like OP except that I have not had a romantic
| relationship as an adult (I'm in my thirties).
|
| What OP brought up is what I think about the most: that I am
| too inadequate to just have a normal life. Just going to work
| is a little painful since I have to (over)hear everyone else
| talking about their normal lives.
| ejanus wrote:
| Perfect!
| Aeolun wrote:
| Maybe a bit of both? If my relationship is going on the rocks
| I'd rather it happen after 4 months or 2 years than after 7.
| KrishnaShripad wrote:
| May all good things come your way!
| tekkk wrote:
| The worse side about these things is that you can't vent out your
| sadness or general feelings to anyone. Which is I think what
| people really need. Not a huge host of siblings and friends but
| just emotional closure to have your feelings validated and
| accepted. It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to not to feel sad.
|
| It's hard to do so without being really close with someone but I
| wish all could have speck of shared empathy from this thread. We
| are not just boxes of text but real people around the world who
| all have their share of good and bad. Pushing away feelings does
| work and you get lot of things done doing so. But I don't
| recommend doing so in the long run - the re-prioritization can be
| quite shock once you notice all the stuff don't bring you that
| much joy.
| Yeri wrote:
| <3
| throwaway_nr_34 wrote:
| I ve lost my love and my mental health is deteriorating
|
| I really hope things get better
| throwaway_nr_34 wrote:
| it feels like its getting worse
|
| and its all my fault!!!
| bartvk wrote:
| Last year, I got caught in a divorce. If my experience is of
| any consolation, it will get better, I promise.
| betwixthewires wrote:
| I am too. But I wanted to be this year. I could be with family
| right now. I don't want to be. There's only 1 person I wish was
| here, but that person had prior commitments today, and that's OK.
| I just have to wait a few days.
|
| I'm having a good Christmas alone.
| ecornflak wrote:
| My mum died in January and my Dad died a couple of weeks ago. We
| didn't do much for Christmas as a family but I keep thinking of
| the interesting things to tell my Dad about that he's not around
| to tell.
|
| He'd almost certainly be watching the James Webb Telescope launch
| listless wrote:
| My dad died in April this year. I have the same exact feeling
| where I see something and my first thought is, "I gotta talk to
| dad about this" and before that thought Is even complete I
| remember that, I can't.
|
| I'm sorry for your loss. You're not alone.
| devbas wrote:
| So sorry to hear about your losses. Sending you a virtual hug
| through cyberspace.
| ethbr0 wrote:
| I'm sorry for your losses. That's an incredibly tough year. :(
|
| In my thinking, we live on in those who knew us. So he's
| cheering it on through you.
| glitchcrab wrote:
| My dad also died a couple of weeks ago, but I feel like I've
| handled it fairly well (better than expected anyway). We used
| to talk quite a bit and I too keep finding myself thinking that
| I must tell him about things I've seen or read; you're not
| alone. Hope you're doing ok today.
| LilBytes wrote:
| I'm glad you're feeling well all things considered. If or
| perhaps when that changes, don't hold it against yourself.
|
| That type of grief is humbling, initially destructive and
| absolutely crippling. I've experienced that loss and found
| the highs and lows to be challenging, but what ever feelings
| you have, you're not alone. It doesn't get easier, but, the
| pain does become familiar and less frequent.
|
| Best of luck to you.
| ostenning wrote:
| The passage of time is beyond daunting. The idea that in the
| blink of an eye my parents will be gone has never felt more
| true after being isolated from them and my home country for the
| past two years because of covid. My heart sincerely goes out to
| you.
| [deleted]
| Toutouxc wrote:
| I'm visiting my parents in a few hours and it's probably going to
| suck. We've really been drifting apart since they found out I was
| vaccinated and actually taking Covid seriously. Ugly things were
| said about me being a dumb sheep brainwashed by uni education
| etc.
|
| Anyway, I'm joining the virtual all-HN hug. Some people have it
| worse, and if you (the person reading this) are one of those
| people, I want you to know that you matter and I want you to be
| safe and know that whatever is going on WILL blow over one day.
|
| If it helps to make you feel better, feel free to write me an
| email (contact in profile) about the things on your mind.
| [deleted]
| ChrisMarshallNY wrote:
| Very nice.
|
| My family is having a quarantine Christmas. We'll be done on
| Monday.
| brncsk wrote:
| This year, after a tumultuous breakup (that quite literally
| plunged me into my deepest crisis to day), I'm practicing being
| alone. Mostly because what lead to said breakup in the first
| place, was me being a relationship-addict, which at this point in
| my self-awareness journey I understand to be a transgenerational
| issue. Thus being with family does not help at all (even though I
| did my fair share of being with them yesterday). As opposed to
| OP, I'm less than happy about the whole thing understandably.
|
| What helps is hiking, I guess, trying to get a grip on whether
| doing it alone or with others helps more.
|
| I guess this is close to being rock bottom for me at this point,
| hope you guys feel at least a tiny bit ok.
| matt89 wrote:
| I went through a breakup this year, which was (objectively
| looking) not too bad, because we managed to end on good terms,
| but left me personally very very sad and full of regrets. I'm
| also going through therapy right now, and these two things
| combined made me realise that I'm completely unprepared for
| being alone and that I very much resent it and think of being
| alone as a failure.
|
| And while in general I think that it's great and fulfilling to
| have good relationships with people, in my specific case I
| think I was similar to you - I have completely linked my
| personal happiness to being with someone and I paid too much
| attention to approval from other people. So I think I can
| partially relate.
|
| Right now I'm trying to find what I actually want from life and
| learn how to be alone and at peace. And I agree that hiking or
| simply wandering around the city alone is a great meditative
| experience that brings me some joy at least.
|
| I just wanted to say that I believe that with time it gets
| better, and trying to dig up from the lowest points of our
| lives is a big and rewarding challenge to have. I wish you
| peace and love; sending virtual hugs. You are not alone.
| brncsk wrote:
| Thank you Matt - your insight on thinking about yourself as a
| failure while being alone hit me quite hard, but also
| provided a piece of self reflection I did not have until now.
|
| As for this experience being an opportunity and a challenge -
| I totally agree, even though it does not seem so ATM.
|
| Let us both embrace this challenging-but-worthwile part of
| it, I guess, while also acknowledging the hard ones. Wish you
| love and peace as well along your journey!
| thoms_a wrote:
| What I've found is that building a relationship is like
| building an orbital spacecraft: there are an infinite number of
| ways to do this which leads to failure, but very few which
| leads to success.
|
| Our extant societal memeplex makes it seem like relationships
| are the default setting, and available to the majority with
| just a bit of effort. However, this could not be further from
| the truth in my experience. Very few relationships are
| successful, and most are in some stage of slow motion RUD.
| Often, the fallout from a failed relationship is worse than not
| having been in one in the first place.
|
| There are solutions to this, but they will seem anachronistic
| to the HN crowd. Turns out that the concept of a marriage is
| very related to Christmas: it is a religious construct, and as
| such, cannot be removed from that context. Attempts to do so
| will more often than not result in immense suffering for all
| involved.
| Siira wrote:
| We, in Iran, have both a Yule (called Yalda here) celebration
| and the new year Nowruz holidays, none of which are
| religious.
| badrabbit wrote:
| Who cares. There are 364 other days
| hackernj wrote:
| Virtual hug from me across the pond!
| pkdpic wrote:
| This is a great post and a reminder that HN is a great platform /
| community.
|
| It also seems like a reminder that the internet really does have
| the power to bring people together in meaningful substantive
| ways.
|
| Especially when there are still social platforms that allow for
| clear minimally augmented communication between individuals.
|
| Thank you for the inspiring post and thank you HN for an
| inspiring year!
| johnisgood wrote:
| I do not intend to ruin the mood, but these kind of posts are
| available on Facebook as well (there are A LOT of them), but we
| would not call that a great platform. :P
| xkbarkar wrote:
| I spent christmas alone in a hotel. It was my choice over meeting
| family who wanted masks, rapid tests etc before meeting for
| christmas. I have followed every single piece of mandate for two
| years. Including double dose Moderna that I still have ptsd from.
| I am done, I had ribs a glass of cognac and witcher marathon
| alone in a 4 star hotel instead. Best christmas in a long time.
| Happy holidays to all and wish a wonderful 2022 to all of you.
| Chris2048 wrote:
| But why in a hotel?
| k8sToGo wrote:
| Because better than spending alone time at home sometimes.
| bartvk wrote:
| Sounds like quite the treat! All the best for 2022 to you as
| well!
| xwdv wrote:
| I have people but still feel alone. Every year is a brutal
| reminder that there will come a moment when you have finally met
| all the people that will ever love you, and the list only shrinks
| more and more every year. For me, it must have happened long ago.
| jotaass wrote:
| Yeah, that's true, that day will come. Just like there will
| come a day you will go outside for the last time, have your
| favorite meal a last time, listen to a song for the last time
| or breathe for the last time. It's a sobering thought. But
| until that day you have plenty of opportunities to do all those
| things, and that includes loving new people!
| [deleted]
| [deleted]
| jollybean wrote:
| You are not alone!
|
| But take some time to make a nice dinner if you can. Little
| things make a big difference.
|
| Merry Christmas.
| mindcrime wrote:
| Same. I plan to sleep in today (haven't even gone to bed yet,
| still up from the 24th). I finished up watching Doctor Who: Flux
| a little while ago, about to head to bed, and when I get up later
| today after sleeping for a while I'm just going to go fish for a
| bit, come back home, cook, and spend the rest of the day vegging
| out and watching Netflix, Prime, whatever, maybe do some reading,
| yadda yadda. My family all live a few hours away and I don't feel
| like a road-trip, so this is just a little mini vacation (stay-
| cation) for me and some time to veg out, relax, and do whatever-
| the-fuck-I-want-with-no-obligations for a little while.
|
| So yes, I'll be spending most of my time alone, but that's not
| necessarily a bad thing.
|
| Anyway, have a "Merry Christmas", or "Happy Holidays" or "Happy
| Festivus" or whatever holiday greeting you desire from me. And a
| virtual hug as well.
| ilaksh wrote:
| Netflix had some recent stuff zi recommend: The Witcher (new
| season), Don't Look Up, and Arcane.
| acomjean wrote:
| "A festivus for the rest of us"
|
| I got to get my aluminum pile from the crawl space for next
| year.
|
| https://youtu.be/1njzgXSzA-A
|
| Looking at this again in context of this thread no it's
| commentary becomes clearer.
| pulse7 wrote:
| I am inviting you to come to my family! From "UK" in your
| username I see you are just one Ryan Air flight away from us...
| thorin wrote:
| Thanks! Last couple of years have been more lonely due to covid
| stuff. I'm only my own but picking up my kids tomorrow for a
| week. Enjoy your day, it's just another day though! I'll be doing
| some chores, going for a bike ride, then roasting something.
| johnisgood wrote:
| It's another day for you and me in paradise.
| mwattsun wrote:
| Merry Christmas to all my Navy brothers and sisters stuck
| underwater on a submarine today! Hopefully the galley cook saved
| something good for a nice Christmas dinner
| e-clinton wrote:
| Being alone is underrated.
| zw123456 wrote:
| Hey thanks for this, super nice gesture. Some of the stories
| posted really touched me.
|
| I am alone too, but to be completely honest, I actually am kind
| of relieved. The holidays were always a stressful time for me,
| our family dynamic is not very good and now after 2 years,
| everyone is drifting apart, and it's kind of a relief.
|
| I am going to be doing a little virtual celebration and chatting
| online with a couple of friends but other than that, no stressful
| travel, no stressful family gatherings, no listening to racist
| right-wing rants from ignorant relatives, no rushing around to
| get ready for the holidays.
|
| Actually, I am kind of digging this.
| phtrivier wrote:
| Good luck to all those who're lonely and sad about it. Hopefully
| this won't last, or you'll find a way to make the best of it.
|
| If you're in a position to have a sense of humor about it, think
| about how you're skipping all the Christmas diner conversations
| that are going to be even tougher this year, now that the world
| has turned into a real-life Facebook argument !
|
| Cheers and take care of yourselves !
| Existenceblinks wrote:
| When I was a teenager (12-18) I often did meditation during 23:30
| - 0:10 for new year countdown, pretty calm transition. And taking
| a walk (or running) 5:00am - 7:00am in the morning on Jan 1, it's
| pretty great start of new year. Recommended for lone wolf!
| seb_urban_plan wrote:
| Please accept my warmest Christmas wishes - your message is very
| kind, and you have all my encouragement.
|
| Lately I've been coming back to reading short citations from
| philosophers. What's great is that you can chose any topic you
| like, and find quotes from all kinds of influential people on the
| topic (on one of the "quotes" cites, there are several) and see
| what the collective wisdom of civilizations has to propose - it's
| like a conversation with the past, and has been part of the
| solution for me.
|
| Most of all I would recommend reading Proverbs - consider it a
| toolbox to peruse - I think most anyone can find some "missing
| piece" there that can get one unstuck from whatever rut one might
| be in:
| https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+1&vers...
|
| Finally, if you feel up to it at some point, I would encourage
| you to seek out those who are also lonely - I've been doing music
| at retirement homes for a while now, and it's very worthwhile -
| perhaps there are charities involved in alleviating loneliness in
| your area - visiting, talking, organizing events... there is lots
| of room for creativity and meeting generous people.
|
| Best wishes, Sebastian.
| cannabis_sam wrote:
| I'm in the same position, but it's okay.
|
| Have a virtual hug back! And a virtual hug to anyone else who
| needs it!!
| jglauche wrote:
| Virtual Hug back <3
| trevorishere wrote:
| This Christmas is significantly different for me. Normally it
| would be filled with friends and family, but not this year.
|
| I succeeded in hiking >10 miles yesterday and today, legs
| willing, I'll be at least spending part of the day in the PacNW
| forests to keep the depression at bay.
|
| <3
|
| JWST was my Christmas present. I'm happy to see we've got final
| separation and the last view of the telescope. If anything, it's
| the best thing I could ask for today.
| zeusk wrote:
| aren't there snow storms out here in PacNW? do you have a blog
| where you document your journey through the forests?
| trevorishere wrote:
| And here's Marckworth State Forest today.
|
| https://ibb.co/gFNNhC4
| bruceb wrote:
| Rain, a little snow, but mostly just cold (very cold for
| here) in the next couple days at least in the Seattle metro
| area.
| zeusk wrote:
| Seattle sure, but in cascades/olympic region it's deep snow
| (where I believe majority of forest trails are).
| trevorishere wrote:
| Since you asked, here is a photo from near the end of my
| hike, looking NE or E to the Cascades.
|
| https://ibb.co/8Nh29nn
| trevorishere wrote:
| No blog; that's not a bad idea, though. I just post
| pictures/videos on Instagram like every other good Millennial
| ;)
|
| Hiking is a way to clear my head. I had an 18 year
| relationship end not long ago -- in 3 & 4th grade I had a
| teacher who would take us hiking on unofficial field trips. I
| realized I missed it and the connection with nature plus the
| isolation one can achieve given you avoid the popular hikes.
| kingcharles wrote:
| Yes! Another loner, here on my own today (well, me and the
| puppy I found)... but woke up at 6am CST to watch JWST launch.
| So thankful it made it up in one piece! After two decades of
| waiting it was a great Christmas present and gave me a happy
| start to the day.
| trevorishere wrote:
| NGST started in 1996! I was a 6th grader, at that time! I was
| fortunate to wake up at 2AM PT so I got to watch the entire
| webcast. I'm so happy it made it up and they unfurled the
| solar panel early -- I wonder if that was a way to say
| goodbye while on camera.
| ragingrobot wrote:
| > I'll be at least spending part of the day in the PacNW
| forests to keep the depression at bay.
|
| Enjoy some of it for me. I will get out there, someday...
|
| I keep saying it, before I visit any foreign country, I'm
| spending some time in the PacNW.
| trevorishere wrote:
| You _must_ spend some time here. While I'm partial due to
| being born here, there is so much beauty in nature in any
| direction you choose to travel on the west side of the
| Cascades! You could spend years here and not see everything.
| I'm starting to explore more and more on my own and it is
| just a wonderland everywhere I go.
| _huayra_ wrote:
| I hope you manage to get back home and hunker down before this
| cold snap moves in! If you're in the Redmond / Seattle area,
| it's gonna be one of those "everyone forgets how to drive"
| things today and tomorrow (and maybe further!) due to the
| snowfall.
| trevorishere wrote:
| My hikes are up at Moss Lake to the end of the allowable NE
| North Fork Road as well as Marckworth State Forest. It'll
| likely snow up here given our elevation but cold doesn't
| bother me too much.
| bradlys wrote:
| Well, we're alone. Let's not trivialize it. But we should also
| try to normalize loneliness more and accept people who are in
| such situations. Potentially accepting that they don't want to be
| in that situation and building a culture around bringing people
| together who don't have a family, large group of close friends,
| etc.
|
| I'm in the same boat. I have friends but they're spread out
| through the country. On top of that - most of them spend time
| with their families during these holidays. I'm the weird one who
| is estranged from his entire family, has few friends nearby, and
| is now single. It used to be I spent this time of the year
| traveling the world and spending my Christmas with my ex. But
| I'll be spending the next few christmases alone while I try to
| find another partner.
| alektorophobiae wrote:
| Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!
|
| I'm an only child with a very small family, so our holidays were
| just me, mom, and dad. Growing up (and even a little bit today) I
| always felt lonely, especially when comparing our family to all
| the large Irish and Italian families that I went to grade school
| with.
|
| But the older I get, the more I focus on just being grateful for
| the time I still have with them. It does make me sad to think of
| when they pass away (my dad is 74 with health conditions).
|
| Virtual hugs to you all.
| moondistance wrote:
| Love you all, HN. Virtual hug right back. Merry Christmas :)
| leto_ii wrote:
| >:D<
| cblconfederate wrote:
| You can also get an actual virtual hug and virtual dance etc in
| online gaming if you re bored. Even if public gatherings are
| turned off this year, technology gives people , solitary or not,
| ways to connect with each other
|
| (I'll shamelessly plug these open-source world parties
| https://opensimworld.com/?sub=events )
| gigatexal wrote:
| Thank you for doing this! It's so important to reach out to be
| seen to be connected.
|
| If anyone is alone and wants to shoot the shit to get through
| this holiday email me terminal dot recluse at gmail dot com
| vuciv1 wrote:
| Hey. Thanks for doing this. Most of my Christmases have been
| alone. No relationship with my parents.
|
| But for the first time this year, I reached out to spend
| Christmas with my bestfriend and his family. Its a lot of fun.
|
| I also met the love of my life, and although she's traveling with
| her family right now, we are getting engaged soon and she
| reassures me ill never have to spend a Christmas alone.
|
| I never thought I'd spend a Christmas with loved ones in my life,
| so if you are feeling alone, just know that it could change.
|
| Much love, and merry christmas
| unyttigfjelltol wrote:
| On the plus side, holiday time off provides ample time to address
| problems, to lay the groundwork for a different-- I won't say
| better-- tomorrow.
| dutchblacksmith wrote:
| Thanks, one warm hug for your too
| touchngthevodka wrote:
| Thanks. You too. I lost my partner of 3.5 years recently and this
| will be my first Christmas since it happened. I'm with family but
| it doesn't come anywhere close to filling the hole they left.
|
| Merry christmas.
| rnoorda wrote:
| Each Christmas Eve, I watch _The Muppet Christmas Carol_ as a
| personal tradition. This year, this exchange with the Ghost of
| Christmas Yet to Come stood out to me:
|
| >Scrooge: Oh, Spirit. Must there be a Christmas that brings
| this awful scene? How can they endure it?
|
| >Bob Crachit: It's all right, children. Life is made up of
| meetings and partings. That is the way of it. I am sure we
| shall never forget Tiny Tim or this first parting that there
| was among us.
|
| I don't know how you can endure it, and I don't know how you
| can fill that hole. I'm sorry you have to go through this.
| desku wrote:
| Nobody should feel alone at Christmas. If anyone needs someone to
| talk to, about anything at all, feel free to contact me. Details
| in my profile.
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