[HN Gopher] Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to...
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Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?
I talk to some people in classes and we're pleasant to each other
but haven't gotten beyond acquaintance with any of them. I know
some people from a club I'm in but don't see them outside of that.
It doesn't help that I'm a computer science major and I don't have
a lot of interests that CS majors have (anime, video games, social
media, etc.) Advice on how to connect better with people? I'm busy
a lot of the time so don't think about this. But I've heard
everybody talking about Halloween costumes in the past few days and
realized I don't need one cause I'll be sitting inside alone on
Halloween. I'd like to start fixing this but don't know how. Edit:
some people have asked, I'm a sophomore. Seems like a lot of people
already formed their social groups last year.
Author : collegeburner
Score : 158 points
Date : 2021-10-23 13:54 UTC (9 hours ago)
| sgt3pr wrote:
| Most important: relax. I had the same problem during the first
| year in university. If you start: "Keep[ing] track of everyone
| you speak to. Everyone. Write down what they mentioned they
| liked, who their family is, what matters to them." you will feel
| or be perceived as a creep. Just relax. You are probably young.
| You need to find out who you are. Maybe you are an introvert or
| even a lonely wolf. You see the others socializing as if it's the
| most natural thing. You think you need to adapt. Try it, try
| being the extrovert, the introvert and anything in between. On
| the surface it looks like people like the extroverts the most but
| with time comes experience and the insight that it's not that
| simple. The most important thing is that you find your style. If
| you feel comfortable with yourself because you are confident in
| who you are you will see that you are surrounded by the people
| you want to spend your time with. Just take your time. Relax.
| ibn-python wrote:
| I would say you have 2 reliable options, either to join various
| club or then (and this may get a lot of hate here) to rush a
| fraternity/sorority. It's a pretty well structured way to funnel
| yourself into friendships. Yes it has its cons but it's not
| unheard of to be more inactive senior year so think of it as a
| 1-2 year experience.
| MandieD wrote:
| I made my two best college friends during sorority rush.
|
| None of us actually ended up joining a sorority :)
| ByersReason wrote:
| If you are introverted (not saying you are), or just having
| difficulty connecting to people the way to go is to do some sort
| of shared goal directed activity that you can talk about with
| said other people. Join a club, or take up an activity - learn to
| do something that can serve as a topic of conversation. Most
| places where people do something like social like rowing or
| dancing have well developed programs for converting beginners
| into participating members of the community - start with beginner
| lessons in whatever it is. Don't be afraid to try a number of
| things before you find something that "fits". You don't have to
| be perfect at something in order to enjoy doing it with other
| people (who may also be imperfect at it).
| dlevine wrote:
| As an introvert, I have found that I do best with situations that
| expose me to the same people for a while. For example, clubs and
| groups that regularly meet for the purpose of an activity. There
| are often many such things at most colleges - just think of some
| activities you enjoy doing and look at the directory of clubs.
|
| And I wouldn't worry about having missed out - it's never too
| late to start. I wanted to be on my school newspaper, but didn't
| get around to it my freshman year. But I joined my sophomore
| year, got super into it, and was editor by my senior year.
| willvarfar wrote:
| It depends on country how the university system is set up, but
| often student accommodation is as key as class is. Most of my
| friends weren't studying what I was studying, and we met in the
| dorms.
|
| One "trick" is study groups. These can be turned into friends
| groups by subtle directions like meeting in a pub or suggesting
| retiring to a pub when it gets tiring, or the classic "meet at
| mine; I'll cook".
|
| Even if these people are lightweight friends, they may be the
| people who eventually introduce you to those you will be close
| even beyond uni.
|
| Another angle is to volunteer for those who help international
| students on exchanges and things. Students who do exchanges tend
| to interesting people!
| jtms wrote:
| I had fantastic luck with Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Something about
| training hard with others really makes it easy to bond. Added
| benefit of getting into the absolute best shape of my life just
| for showing up and playing the game 5-6 days a week (yes, you get
| addicted to it pretty easily)
| creativemonkeys wrote:
| The advice of putting yourself in social situations is a start,
| but you also need to 1) be approachable, 2) be able to handle the
| social interaction, 3) know how to grow the relationship.
|
| All of this depends on the type of social interaction, the people
| around you and will change over time.
|
| For #1, I've noticed that people who are attractive or have a
| pleasant demeanor will generally have more social interactions
| initiated by other people, so at least make sure you don't hurt
| your appearance.
|
| For #2, having a good sense of humor helps, as well as being able
| to have a conversation and relate to other people.
|
| For #3, honesty, shared values, boundaries and timing is
| important. Here, like others have mentioned, you want to spend
| time doing various activities together.
|
| Also, people can sense when someone's 'forcing' the friendship to
| happen, so try to not to stress out about it. You'll get direct
| and indirect feedback when interacting with other people, so
| learn to read between the lines.
|
| When in college, you will cross paths with other people without a
| lot of effort, just make sure you take that first step of putting
| yourself in social situations, because it's only going to get
| more difficult as time goes by.
|
| Lastly, friendship has a maintenance cost (both time and
| resources) and a dynamic between the parties, which may not
| always be beneficial for you. For example, my best friend in
| college was a great friend in the beginning, but as soon as he
| got comfortable with the friendship, he began to undermine me,
| push the boundaries and use the friendship to his advantage. I
| believe that's just his personality and as much as it hurts to
| lose your best friend, I had to cut the friendship for my own
| well being. I don't recommend breaking ties at the earliest sign
| of trouble, I only want to make sure you're aware that a
| friendship can end up being a net negative for you and you should
| evaluate the friendship once in a while.
| camjohnson26 wrote:
| Even if you don't enjoy more social hobbies like sports, live
| music, outdoor activities, etc, try to treat them as a skill to
| develop. One thing it took me a while to learn is if you want to
| connect with people you have to have common interests with them,
| so learn to be interested in whatever's popular, in addition to
| your personal hobbies which come more naturally. When I just do
| what I personally enjoy, I'm the only person who enjoys doing
| those specific things and other people don't want to join because
| they have other interests. Making friends takes some sacrifice,
| but over time you learn to actually enjoy those activities
| instead of seeing them as pointless and wasteful.
|
| More practically, I think the easiest way to meet people if you
| aren't very outgoing is to join organizations. There should be
| groups for inter mural sports, volunteering, international clubs,
| or day hiking trips. May not meet new people every time but
| eventually you'll connect with some. Your situation is a lot more
| common than you might think.
| noobermin wrote:
| How large is your uni? Theres bound to be social groups catered
| to your interests.
| landa wrote:
| Try meeting people in lecture and recitation to do problem sets
| together. This gives you a whole new set of people to meet every
| semester, for every different class that you take. Doing problem
| sets together is a really good excuse to introduce yourself to
| someone.
|
| Join a fraternity or sorority and go to fraternity parties. It's
| really easy to meet people that way. Frats are by definition
| social groups, so they'll introduce you to a lot of people on
| campus.
|
| This is kind of weird, but go to office hours for the classes you
| really like. It's usually the same few people going to office
| hours and they really care about the topic, so if you do too, you
| could become good friends.
|
| Join a lab to do research. You'll meet a lot of the older
| professors and graduate students that way. It's a different set
| of people than your classmates.
| justinzollars wrote:
| I made a lot of friends in clubs an intramural sports, but that
| was a long time ago. It takes time, but the most important thing
| is your studies and destination.
| submagr wrote:
| > I'm busy a lot of the time so don't think about this.
|
| The statement above reminded me of my situation when I was always
| busy with my coursework and couldn't find time for other
| activities. If that's your case, I will give three advices:
|
| 1) Work in groups: * Context: One thing that I learnt the hard
| way was people make friends by working with them together on
| assignments and discussing things. During my undergrad, working
| in groups felt like cheating to me: If I couldn't come up with a
| derivation or proof completely on my own => I don't understand it
| fully. How wrong was I in retrospect. * Advantages: (a) Learning
| is much faster (your friends understand what you know and what
| you don't, internet does not. When they explain something, they
| use this knowledge to specifically explain what you need) (b) You
| are much more likely to succeed (it's very unlikely that all of
| your group members feel lazy or unmotivated at the same time) *
| How to find groups: CS Projects usually require you to work in
| groups. Even if it's not, just call someone and say that you want
| to discuss this thing with them.
|
| 2) Don't spend too much time on courseworks: * Context: If you
| are in a good institute, your professors are probably very
| excited to teach and their course material is very rigorous. If
| you holistically try to understand everything in deep, I think
| it's just too much to learn in one semester. * Choose wisely:
| Decide in advance for what courses you want to understand
| everything and what courses you just want to pass. Passing a
| course (with a good grade) does not require understanding
| everything in deep, be smart about what to study.
|
| 3) Have some hobbies: Other answers have already touched upon
| this point.
| rchaud wrote:
| I wish I could help, but I was in a similar situation and had a
| lonely 4 years in undergrad. I was spread thin between classes
| and my student job, which would make me tense and anxious, and I
| probably projected that vibe socially.
|
| Grad school fortunately gave me a second shot at having a good
| social life and I was able to take it.
| itronitron wrote:
| Is there a quad area on campus where people hang out between
| classes? Probably the most important thing is to be visible and
| familiar to as many of your classmates as possible. So studying
| in public places such as the library, or dawdling on campus
| between classes will increase your odds of meeting like-minded
| students.
|
| Also, I recommend looking out for fellow students that seem to be
| 'connectors' in that they are social with many different people.
| They will typically be interested in meeting new people and
| hooking them into one or more of their social groups. Connectors
| tend to be busy but are also very reliable (unlike flirts which
| can at times appear to be connectors but instead are not
| reliable.)
| djyaz1200 wrote:
| Lots of great advice here, suggest reading the famous book "How
| to win friends and influence people", very old but lots of good
| timeless advice.
|
| Wish you all the best!
| nhatcher wrote:
| Get into a university club. I got into spelunking and almost
| instantly got friends. I was more of a trekking kind, but learned
| I also liked caving and got some long lasting friendships. Good
| luck!
| hesdeadjim wrote:
| Basically this. Pick something that sounds even moderately
| interesting, keep going to it, and even when it feels like you
| still aren't making friends keep going.
|
| I had a similar struggle in college when I was trying to break
| out of my normal social group. I joined the school's ACM club,
| kept going to events, hung out in the lounge, and after months
| I finally started making some friends I'd see out of the
| context of the club.
|
| Keep in mind that making new friends has similarities to
| dating, too much desperation is a turn off. Just hang out and
| keep coming back. If you aren't a creep, you'll make friends.
| Jeema101 wrote:
| Does your computer science department have an internship program
| and any business relationships with local businesses? If so, you
| could maybe get an internship locally.
|
| That's one of the main ways I started getting to know more people
| in my major (because a number of them were working there as
| well).
|
| This was at a rather large company and was also a long time ago,
| though (back in the late 90s)...
| XnoiVeX wrote:
| Get a motorcycle!
| BareNakedCoder wrote:
| Lol. I did and it was one of the best things I ever did. But I
| did it after university. Rode all over north america on it, me
| and my tent C:)
| keb_ wrote:
| My friendships in college came from asking fellow classmates to
| have study groups with me, and from asking classmates who I'd do
| group projects on to hang out after class. Easier if you're 21
| and can drink so you can pose it like "let's celebrate completing
| our project by getting beers" but can also just be like "lets get
| pizza/wings/burgers to celebrate" or whatever.
| rawoke083600 wrote:
| Same boat.. What worked for me was.'walking dogs' on a Saturday
| morning at the local animal shelter. Made lots of good friends
| there.
| RhysU wrote:
| Go hang out with the smokers. They are right outside now. Smokers
| see everyone go past and say hey to anyone they know, even if
| only briefly.
|
| Smoking not recommended.
| collegeburner wrote:
| Tbh i never seen people smoking on campus, its tobacco free so
| they can't really. Plus not many people smoke who are my age or
| if they do it's weed and at their place. It is interesting
| though, I have heard people talk about how smoking is (or was)
| kinda a social aid even more than alcohol.
| Cycl0ps wrote:
| "Hey man, I've been locked inside my dorm for the past week
| studying and I'm starting to go stir-crazy. Anything cool going
| on tonight?"
| hindsightbias wrote:
| Find a library/union with open tables and start camping there.
| People tend to pick the same areas, eventually chit chat can turn
| into more. Expand the surface area of your exposure. Take some
| less nerdish electives.
| EvRev wrote:
| Make eye contact with every person you can. Smile through the
| awkwardness. Verbally greet people when in close proximity. Ask
| people questions that are specific to your interests ("I see you
| have a sports team shirt on, I too like sports ball!")
|
| The next step is to find your confidence. Some other folks here
| mentioned a hobby or other activity to make friends. For me I
| found a rollerblading and roller skating group, because I had
| skated so much on my own I was able to use that confidence to fit
| in with the group. 70% of my friends as an adult came from that
| group.
|
| And my last piece of advice is to play the "Yes" game. Whenever
| an opportunity presents itself then accept. You have more time to
| do this while you are young. This is the opposite advice as what
| entrepreneurs give, but when you are in college find as many
| opportunities to do as many new things without getting into
| trouble.
|
| As for Halloween, dress up, get a big bag of candy, and try to
| give it all out. Do it with poise and grace. People will remember
| candy dude and more than likely you will find a group to tag
| along with.
| collegeburner wrote:
| Good advice, I guess I still got to find an activity where I
| can be really social (the 1 club I'm in is more academic).
|
| Cool idea on halloween, do you think just go on campus and hand
| it out? Sounds kinda fun lol.
| archagon wrote:
| As someone more introverted than most, I had a similar problem in
| college, but I noticed that I tended to become friendly with the
| people I lived with. So I joined a 38-person house in a student
| housing cooperative, and I made friends there who I'm still close
| to a decade later. (This was during my senior year, though I kind
| of hung around for another year after that.) Nothing else (clubs,
| classes, etc.) ended up working for me, since making friends in
| those circumstances required the kind of active effort that I
| just wasn't comfortable with.
| bArray wrote:
| > Advice on how to connect better with people?
|
| Log off, touch some grass. Put yourself out there. Once you get a
| few people around you, it's relatively easy to leaver yourself
| into other friends groups.
|
| > But I've heard everybody talking about Halloween costumes in
| the past few days and realized I don't need one cause I'll be
| sitting inside alone on Halloween. I'd like to start fixing this
| but don't know how.
|
| Just say yes to the next offer you get, you'll only make friends
| if you expose yourself to other humans. HN is unlikely to be the
| place where you make real friends.
|
| Specifically about the parties: You can invite yourself easily
| enough to things - just get them talking about it (i.e. "oh I
| hear you're having a Halloween party, anything cool planned?") -
| if you sound interested and talk for a while most people will
| invite you.
|
| The only way to get good at social interactions is to keep
| putting yourself in social settings.
| burlesona wrote:
| I think this is good advice but it's worth mentioning:
|
| 1. This kind of thing doesn't come naturally for a lot of
| people (myself included)
|
| 2. It doesn't always work even if you do it well. Perhaps the
| other people are also quite shy.
|
| So the important thing is practice, and to kind of brace
| yourself going in: "If it doesn't click with these specific
| people, I don't care. This is a practice run and I'll practice
| again until it works."
|
| I've found that, paradoxically, one of the things that makes
| relationships hard is _wanting them_. When you really desire a
| friendship or other relationship with someone new, you tend to
| come off as over-eager or awkward, and that's off-putting for
| the other person. Conversely when you can be casual and
| unconcerned, it makes you seem confident and happy, which other
| people are drawn to.
|
| So there really is a "fake it till you make it" thing going on,
| which is quite hard to learn IMO, but can be learned with
| practice.
| pkhamre wrote:
| Livestreaming on twitch and join discord-communities is a
| great place to practice social interactions.
| jtms wrote:
| Not sure why others are downvoting, this is really great
| advice for people who have social anxiety - low risk, real
| enough to be meaningful, usually narrowly focused on a
| shared interest, prepares you for the real thing. Downvote
| me as well if you like, but I'd be curious why people don't
| agree
| Smaug123 wrote:
| It's not at all clear to me that it does prepare you for
| the real thing. I think one could very plausibly argue
| the opposite: it's so massively easy-mode that it gets
| you used to social interactions being easy and low-
| friction, and through habit it _raises_ the barrier to
| practising the real thing.
| collegeburner wrote:
| Agree, I think a simpler example of how this happens is
| remembering names. Everybody had zoom names on screen so
| had "easy mode" doing this for over a year, and most
| people I've talked to had some difficulty remembering
| names since.
| ungamed wrote:
| The phrase "touch some grass" makes me want to grab someone by
| the head and squeeze till it pops. I understand the context, it
| sounds so stupid.
| mensetmanusman wrote:
| Sounds like you need to smoke some grass
| mb7733 wrote:
| Why does it make you angry?
| scollet wrote:
| It's usually loaded with condescension and reduction, a
| rarely actionable silver bullet that makes no consideration
| of circumstance.
| drlobster wrote:
| Sounds like you need to touch grass.
| collegeburner wrote:
| I mean its sometimes a fair complaint, it can be kinda
| rude, just in this case its useful advice to get out and
| don't get too extremely online (which is a risk for
| people my age)
|
| Though I guess getting mad about it might be a valid
| reason to tell somebody to touch grass
| uuddlrlr wrote:
| It's really picked up steam in the past year
| TheGigaChad wrote:
| Dumb idiot, get cancer and die squealing out of pain.
| polalavik wrote:
| > Just say yes to the next offer you get
|
| While they should be saying yes to opportunities to connect
| with people, I'm not sure if this particular advice is great.
| If I was in a similar situation to the author of the post, I
| would find this particular advice demoralizing. It assumes the
| author of the post has what they are stressing they do NOT have
| - friends and offers of things to do. If you are not connecting
| with people you will not magically have offers from people.
|
| It's about forcing yourself to get out there in controlled
| settings - clubs, volunteer, meetups, classes, and other places
| people are actively seeking connection.
| rhn_mk1 wrote:
| This is too narrow a view. Social events are widely
| advertised, the offer does not need to be directed
| specifically at you.
| shaftoe wrote:
| Maybe, but I have rarely experienced wide advertisement
| (that was intended to include me) and don't know where to
| begin. I agree that this is off-putting advice.
|
| Many social activities assume you're showing up with
| friends. If you have none, they're akward and depressing.
| collegeburner wrote:
| ^ This. I've gone to some big school events that arent
| really fun by myself, there's not a lot of talking with
| random people cause everybody else is there with a group.
| gumby wrote:
| Are you in a dorm? I am still friends with some dorm mates from
| (jeez) 35 years ago. It's not automatic; my kid was in a dorm and
| really didn't make any close friends; he joined a non-residential
| fraternity though and made a bunch of friends that way.
|
| If you're club about a thing you like, then you will do things
| you like with people who share your interest. some are presumably
| the kinds of people you'd like to be friends with; even if you
| don't make close friends, you'll at least be doing something you
| like.
|
| Also college age friendships aren't necessarily deep ones so
| don't worry if you are making a bunch of friendly acquaintances
| for a while. One or two will turn into deeper friendships, over
| time.
| pha392 wrote:
| Don't be sitting inside alone, get a good sleep, and be alone
| happy. What's the problem with that?
| mensetmanusman wrote:
| Volunteer for anything. Say yes to everything until you have no
| time for idleness.
| mmaunder wrote:
| Friends are made through shared experiences. The more intense the
| experience, the more durable the friendship. Figure out what you
| love doing and then find others to do it with. You may have to
| take social risks a few times to make the initial connection, but
| keep at it. It's worth it. You may also need to be the catalyst
| for others who are in the same situation as you, if there's no
| social group, club or platform for you to connect.
| nemo1618 wrote:
| I don't know how helpful this will be, but the strategy that has
| worked best for me is: attach yourself to "connectors."
|
| Connectors are extraverts who have a large social circle and
| enjoy facilitating connections within it. If you meet them and
| they like you, they will start inviting you to other events,
| which are typically great opportunities to form friendships. Even
| if you don't end up being great friends with the connector,
| chances are high that you'll hit it off with someone else in
| their circle.
|
| But how do you find the connectors? Well, sometimes they come to
| you. During my college orientation, a fellow student just walked
| right up to me and introduced himself. Another time, a student
| just walked into my dorm room -- he was introducing himself to
| everyone on the floor. (This sort of thing is much more likely to
| happen in college.) Usually, though, you have to take some
| initiative. Go to places where connectors will be, like meetups
| and clubs. If you're lucky, a connector will spontaneously
| introduce themselves to you; if not, try to insert yourself into
| conversation groups, and then figure out who the connectors are.
|
| Essentially, these people are "scouting" for new connections. In
| particular, they're looking for people who are fun to talk to. So
| it helps to be a little weird and unique, as long as you're
| capable of carrying on a conversation without too much
| awkwardness.
|
| The nice thing about this strategy is that you don't have to act
| super extraverted or self-confident. Connectors know that shy
| people can be very rewarding to talk to, so once you pique their
| interest, they'll supply most of the "energy" in the
| conversation. You just need to hold their interest, and before
| long they'll ask for your number/email/whatever.
|
| After that, it's smooth sailing. When a connector invites you to
| something, say yes by default. (That is, always say yes unless
| you have a legitimate reason not to. Being scared is not a
| legitimate reason.) If they're a good connector, they'll invite
| you to events that are relevant to your interests, and they'll
| introduce you to people who they think you'll get along with.
| Then, Just Be Yourself(tm) and friendships will come naturally.
|
| ...Like I said, I don't know how helpful this is. In _my_ life, I
| 've been fortunate enough to befriend a few connectors, but maybe
| that's rare and I was simply lucky. And you definitely do need
| some baseline charisma for this to work well; it _really_ helps
| if you can make people laugh. Anyway, I 'm curious to hear other
| people's opinions on this. Maybe there are some connectors on HN
| who can share their perspective.
| jraph wrote:
| Good advice I think.
|
| > ...Like I said, I don't know how helpful this is.
|
| It is.
|
| > I don't know how helpful this will be, but the strategy that
| has worked best for me is: attach yourself to "connectors."
|
| > Connectors are extraverts who have a large social circle and
| enjoy facilitating connections within it.
|
| And... you may become yourself one of these connectors before
| you know it.
|
| One advice: don't be pushy to these connectors and don't make
| them feel you are using them. They want to spend time with
| people who gives them (back) some "energy".
| PKop wrote:
| True friendship comes mostly from shared struggle. Think sports
| teams, military, small teams at work, even childhood friends and
| the experience growing up.
|
| It is hard to establish anything meaningful of a connection with
| casual interactions, and expecting to just "party/play hard" with
| people you don't really know is putting the cart before the
| horse. First you must work hard together.
|
| I'd suggest joining a Crossfit gym or similar. I've had great
| success meeting people within the context of group workouts. It
| has regular class schedules, and provides a way to ease into
| social interactions at your own pace as you'll be around the same
| people regularly. Often this leads to opportunities to do things
| together outside of the classes.
|
| Additionally, there are likely individuals with similar
| disinterest in the common activities you mentioned in you CS
| classes. Finding opportunities to work with someone on class
| assignments, studying or projects together would fall in the
| "shared struggle" category.
| maininformer wrote:
| Yes, suffer with someone. Build an app together or study
| together or take on really difficult projects.
| singhrac wrote:
| I want to echo this because I strongly believe this to be true.
| Sharing a challenging experience together is one of the
| strongest factors in setting up friendships. I've made friends
| with a 70-year old because we were standing in line in the cold
| and wanted to complain about the urgent care we were trying to
| visit.
|
| Many of my closer work relationships have come from venting
| about aspects of the company we didn't like. And, echoing the
| other responders, many of my closest friends from college were
| those that I psetted with at 4am.
|
| Advice to the OP: get involved with a club or activity that has
| challenging aspects (e.g. a service club or a sports club)
| rather than a shared interests club. Don't worry too much about
| not being too interested in "traditional CS" things - just be
| open to sharing and learning about your non overlapping
| interests.
| em-bee wrote:
| i want to second studying together. i had the same experience
| when i went to university. the only friends i made from one
| university were those who formed a study group in the second
| year that kept together for the while duration of the class.
|
| later i joined a volunteer group that helped students get
| summer jobs.
|
| all my friends came from groups like these...
| srvmshr wrote:
| > True friendship comes mostly from shared struggle. Think
| sports teams, military, small teams at work, even childhood
| friends and the experience growing up.
|
| Have two "forever" friendships over 20 years, where we talk
| almost every day & have been around for good & bad in each
| other's lives, even though on different continents for past 12
| years.
|
| You have to believe me when I profess that such friendships are
| 'forged over blood, sweat, rum and tears'.
| tsumnia wrote:
| For my sake, I picked up martial arts in college and would say
| that ~75% of my life long friends come from there. I have work-
| related friends, but there's a very clear difference between
| them and the people I've punched for years :D
|
| I definitely agree with the shared struggle aspect and add the
| activity should also have "moments of down time" where you're
| still "doing" the activity, but you're sort of at a point of
| waiting. These are the moments where you get to find out
| someone's life, like if they've got a kid that plays a musical
| instrument or new policies at their own jobs.
|
| One simple thing we did early on was simply ask some of the
| other people "what are you doing tonight?" after the class. At
| least at the college age, there's always a chance a handful of
| people will be down for going to a bar or pool hall afterwards.
| PKop wrote:
| >simply ask some of the other people "what are you doing
| tonight?" after the class
|
| Yes, and 1) in this context the stakes are lower, it's not
| some big planned event or party. And 2) You're not trying to
| meet people or start from 0 at a party amongst strangers;
| these are people you already know you're just out having a
| good time.
| M3phist0 wrote:
| I would second this. Martial Arts is a great place to get
| know to people and overcome social aniaxy.
| BeFlatXIII wrote:
| I was going to suggest joining a fraternity for the same
| reasons.
| moneywoes wrote:
| Ask people to study. I didn't go to school for the first time
| till 5th grade in a foreign country so I can understand how
| difficult it can be. You can do it
| DoreenMichele wrote:
| The word "friend" is a pretty broad word. It's possible the
| people you think are all _friends_ are just acquaintances who
| interact somewhat regularly and not the kind of friend that would
| really be there for you in an important way.
|
| If you want to wear a Halloween costume, look for some place you
| can wear it. That's probably a pretty low bar.
|
| Though attending parties may not be the cure for your loneliness
| you imagine it will be. Loneliness tends to be cured by having
| people in your life that you trust who know you well and those
| types of relationships don't necessarily overlap with the kinds
| of connections that get you invited to costume parties.
| ct0 wrote:
| insert yourself into conversations and suggest some low touch
| followup like coffee. go to all the events and know the schedule
| of events to share with others. essentially find you in someone
| else. my favorite thing in college was starting a club, its a
| great opening line.
| topkai22 wrote:
| First, there are almost certainly many people like you at your
| university, feeling like they aren't making any friends. By our
| nature we see the groups hanging around having fun, not the other
| individuals heading back to their apartments alone.
|
| Initiating relationships can be a risk to our egos, as almost all
| of us fear rejection. "What if they don't want me here", "what if
| they don't come to my party", "what if I ask them to hang out and
| they say no", "what if I end up not liking them " etc... It takes
| effort, but if you can get comfortable at initiating
| relationships you'll find that majority of time people are happy
| that you reached out.
|
| There is literature that can help to. Some cognitive behavioral
| therapy books deal with social anxiety and Dale Carnegie famously
| wrote "How to Win Friends and Influence People", and I'm sure
| there are others who deal with the subject that I'm not
| remembering right now.
|
| Also, as other's have mentioned, join clubs and extracurriculars,
| espoused those focused on a shared endeavor rather than just a
| shared interest. Team sports, volunteerism, hiking, or other
| group project based forums are great. I'm college I made a huge
| number of friends in the football team, and post college I made
| some dear friends on dodgeball and bocce teams.
|
| Let me give some very specific advice about Halloween in the
| hopes you can generalize. For Halloween, you have couple of
| options- 1) I'm willing to bet there is some form of public party
| at your college or in town. That's your default option- make a
| costume. 2) Ask your acquaintances what they are doing for
| Halloween. They'll probably tell you and ask you back what you
| are doing. Tell them you don't really have plans, but might you
| might go to the public event in 1. If they didn't have plans,
| invite them to come with you. If they did, they might invite you
| to them, so accept. Repeat with acquaintances until you are going
| with someone or small group. These are proto-friends.
|
| Halloween events are great because everyone is wearing a
| conversation starter- their costume. Something like "Oh my gosh,
| I love your costume, WandaVision was amazing" is almost
| guaranteed to at least get a smile and pleasant response. If you
| enjoy the conversation at all, get their contact info (and write
| down a quick note in your contact lists notes field about them-
| "awesome Vision costume, studying geology"), and invite them to
| join you and or your little group.
|
| By the end of the evening you should have had some bonding with a
| few people and contacts for more potential friends.
|
| Good luck, and remember everyone else wants someone to be their
| friend, too.
| collegeburner wrote:
| Thanks man, I really appreciate the advice on Halloween. I had
| kinda a niche costume in mind, do you think it's better to pick
| something people will know or something I can explain?
| someelephant wrote:
| Ask some people if they know of any parties happening. Try taking
| some herbal medicines to calm down your anxiety.
| randyrand wrote:
| not many people are mentioning it but - say hi to people.
|
| go to a show, talk to someone about the show after it.
|
| go to lunch, ask if you can sit with them.
|
| etc.
| periheli0n wrote:
| Don't be so hard on yourself. It's not the end of the world if
| you don't participate in the Halloween craze. Perhaps you're not
| so much into it after all? If your previous efforts to socialite
| weren't successful, it might mean that you tried with the wrong
| people.
|
| Do more of the stuff you really like. Look for things you like
| outside your home. Don't worry if these activities don't align
| with what you think would commonly be called ,,fun". Spend an
| hour or two at the local library browsing every other day? Far
| from the mainstream, but it's a great way to meet like-minded
| people. This is just an example, your interests may be different.
| The key is to identify and cultivate them.
|
| Socializing is always easiest when you have something that you
| are passionate about.
| enderowski wrote:
| most of the people who does'nt have friends around me are waiting
| for someone to call them to events. If you are doing it stop
| immediately you don't need someone to call you to events or to
| hang out you go and join them or call them. its not highschool
| there are no cool kids or groups everyone is same just relax and
| go hang out with the people you want to.
| vanilla_nut wrote:
| COVID has definitely thrown a wrench in the works. So I suspect
| there are a lot of people in your boat, even if it _feels_ like
| everyone else has a social group. Turns out, the people who don
| 't have a social group just aren't as visible. Your job is to
| find them (or latch onto a compatible social group).
|
| What helped me in college? Clubs were great, and often have
| social events + club events. If you even have a passing interest
| in skiing/snowboarding, golfing, disc golf, radio/music, or
| anything else -- go to club meetings. Put yourself out there as
| someone who's interested but wants to learn more. The nicest
| people in the group will help you get started. I know it's scary
| to put yourself out there, but that's largely how you bond with
| others.
|
| I would also try to get into TAing if I were you -- that was a
| great way for me to meet friends in college.
|
| And finally, start or join a study group for any class that
| interests you. Even if you're not struggling, helping other
| students can help you solidify your knowledge and understand the
| gaps in your knowledge. And teaching/mentorship are great skills
| to foster for your future career, too. If you are struggling,
| study groups can be a good way to find smart people who can help
| you not struggle. They're often good people to surround yourself
| in the future, too -- highly motivated, smart, successful people
| can refer you to jobs, help you find internships, etc.
|
| It also hugely helps to attend parties and other drinking events
| at school. You don't have to get drunk or anything, but even
| showing up, having a couple of drinks, and hanging out with
| people informally will make the connections you need to start
| building friendships.
|
| Finally, just be friendly when you're out and about. Hang out
| outside of your room whenever you can -- at the library, at a
| coffee shop on campus, at the cafeteria -- and say hi to everyone
| you recognize and feel comfortable talking to. Ask them about
| their day, or their weekend plans, or how that tough project is
| going. See if they're doing anything tomorrow night, and if you
| can tag along if it sounds interesting. You'll be surprised at
| how open most people are to that kind of thing, and how much
| they'll enjoy active interest from another human being. Oh, and
| it helps to exploit these chats to introduce yourself to
| _friends_ of those friends who they happen to be with... who you
| can later say hi to to build your network even further.
|
| One last thing: don't try _too_ hard. When you 're feeling
| genuinely nice and you're genuinely interested, go for it. But if
| something doesn't actually interest you, or someone seems busy
| and doesn't want to talk, don't force it. That'll make you seem
| weird, and you don't want that. Just be open and friendly, and
| good things will come as you build your network.
| medo-bear wrote:
| > It doesn't help that I'm a computer science major and I don't
| have a lot of interests that CS majors have (anime, video games,
| social media, etc.) Advice on how to connect better with people?
|
| you shouldn't isolate yourself based on differences in interests.
| find something you might possibly find interesting in someone and
| ask them about that and explore deepening the conversation.
| friendships are not only about finding "another you" but also
| discovering people who are different and might expand your
| perspective
|
| EDIT: if you are down voting this i am curious to see why you
| think that this is bad advice. i genuinely think it is good
| advice and empathize with the person that asked this
| nynx wrote:
| I didn't make good friends in college until my second year--
| actually until I took a semester off and then came back. I didn't
| make good friends in my major until halfway through my junior
| year. One of the reasons I switched from CS into Engineering
| Science (aka Engineering Physics) was because a lot of my CS
| classmates were pretty uninteresting.
|
| These things take time. Don't rush into friendships with people
| you don't like.
| jjice wrote:
| Assuming you keep a calendar and manage your time, see what time
| you have available and see what events are going on on your
| campus. I guarantee there are a ton.
|
| Do you like coffee or tea? There's an okay chance there's a club
| for that (met many friends and a girlfriend through coffee club).
|
| How about your school's radio station? Wide variety of people and
| new music (made long lasting friends at mine).
|
| Maybe club sports? They're taken fairly casually (milage my vary)
| and you're going to be interacting with people the whole time.
|
| I'm sure there are at least a few clubs that you'd be interested
| in. The thing that makes clubs easy to approach is that they're
| fairly structured and they're all about getting new members. You
| can go every week and you know these people share an interest and
| are open to new people, which is a great starting place.
|
| Good luck with everything. Time management and planning your
| goals will get you very far in college. Plan to meet people and
| work it into your schedule in different ways, whether it's a
| club, chatting with dorm neighbors, or having a study group. I'm
| sure you'll do fine.
| cybervegan wrote:
| As an autistic person (and I'm not suggesting OP is also an
| aspie), I can say that all the advice that amounts to "just put
| yourself out there" is worse than useless; you only see things
| the way you do because those interactions come naturally to you,
| and you instinctively know how to process and act on them. People
| who are socially awkward are often unable to do this. It's like
| saying to someone who is not good a maths, "Having trouble with
| arithmetic? Just _calculate_ harder! "
| doktorhladnjak wrote:
| Agreed. It is tiresome.
|
| Starving? Just eat some food
|
| Insomniac? Just go to sleep
|
| Socially anxious? Just be more social
|
| No friends? Just put yourself out there
|
| All the same useless advice
| tomcooks wrote:
| It works most times, case in point: don't get angry
| drooby wrote:
| Being more social was a legit solution for me for social
| anxiety. It's called exposure therapy and has quite a bit of
| research to back up its efficacy if done properly.
|
| This seems like the classic confusion caused by conflating
| "simple" and "easy". Simple advice may be useful.
| vanviegen wrote:
| Do you notice how your last example (the one that was
| actually suggested by GP) doesn't fit the pattern? That would
| be:
|
| No friends? Just get more friends.
|
| The advice as given by GP is at least somewhat actionable.
| whatshisface wrote:
| "Just calculate harder" is reasonable advice for a lot of
| people. If you think of your skill level as a multiplier on
| your effort, more effort will help for anyone with a skill
| level above zero. If you're worse than normal at math a lot of
| people would tell you that you needed to spend even _more_ time
| studying.
|
| Spending more time in a learning environment is a very
| reasonable thing to advise a slow learner do, math or
| otherwise.
| burnished wrote:
| What sort of advice has helped you?
| Smaug123 wrote:
| Caveat: by sheer dumb luck, I've never _actually_ had this
| problem, but I am painfully aware that history would only
| have to be a tiiiiny bit different and I would have the
| problem. (It 's possible I have a secret talent for binding
| together friend groups, but it totally doesn't feel that
| way.) I'm forming this advice by looking over my life and
| identifying why I'm in such a fortunate position.
|
| The standard advice is: friendship is formed from proximity;
| repeated unplanned interactions; and a setting which
| encourages people to let their guard down. This seems
| extremely true. Sometimes luck puts you in a position where
| you can't avoid these interactions with people who are near
| you a lot, but if you're finding that it's not happening
| naturally, look at which of those is lacking in your current
| activities and see whether you can increase them.
|
| Case study: choir or orchestra (remember that "unplanned
| interactions" can take place in a planned setting). There's a
| shared goal among people in close proximity; there are very
| often periods of unplanned downtime and hence casual
| interaction while the conductor focuses on some other
| subgroup of the choir to yours; smallish (~30 person) choirs
| naturally form into nicely conversation-sized groups among
| the parts anyway; the nature of the activity is already
| skewed towards publicly making a fool of yourself (everyone
| around you can hear your wrong notes!) so everyone's
| sensitivity to social convention is slightly suppressed.
|
| Debugging example: perhaps you attend a club so are regularly
| in proximity to people and there's the chance for unplanned
| interactions, but you're finding that conversations just
| don't naturally happen (this is me all the time!). That
| suggests there's some combination of you and the setting
| which is not encouraging people to let their guard down. The
| easy-mode hack is to decamp to the pub afterwards (even if
| you hate pubs, I can't stand them but they do the job
| extremely well) and let the group's collective guard go down
| with alcohol. It'll be easiest if they already have some
| friendships among the group, so that some people are already
| being open with each other. Remember that _you_ might be part
| of the problem here, so consider erring on the side of being
| uncomfortably open yourself.
|
| And in college, remember that however painful it is, there
| are so many people around; if you mess up somewhere, you can
| literally just never see those people ever again if
| necessary.
| laurent92 wrote:
| 1. I've always spent 1 year sitting next to people before
| befriending them. It became solid friendship.
|
| 2. Do train to be alone for Christmas. It happens to the best of
| us, human suffering is way more widespread than you would ever
| imagine.
|
| 3. But I regret not walking out of the campus and finding
| salsa/anything-classes, or just going out a lot. Don't go too
| much to bars and don't do much alcohol, but do organize a lot of
| parties, eatouts, picnics, hiking, cakes, birthdays, do a lot of
| gatherings between friends. Also, when you do this, vary the
| friends a little bit, it should never become a circle of 6
| friends, it should always bring in and out a few people, so you
| constantly meet new ones. Because in the end the goal is also to
| find a girlfriend ;)
| Volundr wrote:
| I highly recommend taking some kinesiology credits, if your
| anything like me, first thing in the morning. It's much easier to
| get out of bed for say Racquetball than calculus, it's good for
| you, and just about anything you choose will have far more
| interaction than your average CS class. I took volleyball,
| Racquetball and several semesters of dance. All were great for
| meeting people and making friends.
| bby wrote:
| Use Grindr and go all with the way with numerous gentleman.
| 4dregress wrote:
| A big thing to remember about going to University is in most
| cases nobody knows anyone, So you are not alone!
|
| Get to know the people you live with, they are right there!
| omarhaneef wrote:
| I had a big circle of friends in college and here are a few
| insights:
|
| -- everyone else is also worried about what they are going to do
| and wondering how to make friends
|
| - they want to be invited
|
| It's easy: just invite people. Some people may politely decline
| but they'll appreciate it.
|
| Many many many people will accept and be very grateful for being
| invited. Come up with a plan for them: we all meet at X, then go
| to Y. You can pick public places.
|
| Now you're the hub of your social group. Please use this power
| for good and not evil. Try not to exclude people next time if
| they occasionally get annoyed at you.
| ed_elliott_asc wrote:
| This is the answer, 100% - also don't become a gatekeeper and
| do help others to come in
| archibaldJ wrote:
| Do some lsd
|
| Make a start-up
|
| make music
|
| become an expert in a field
|
| attend JavaScript conferences
| [deleted]
| sidkshatriya wrote:
| The 101 of friendships and relationships in life is a certain
| ability to (a) Take some risks (b) Take the initiative
|
| Instead of waiting to be invited to something try to invite
| others. There might be occasions you will be left embarrassed or
| feel rejected but if you don't try, how will you succeed?
|
| Think of it like childhood: If you're not willing to fall how
| will you learn to walk? If you're not willing to speak garbled
| sentences how will you learn to talk?
|
| There are a lot of good tips on this page already. But I will
| reiterate, make an effort. Put yourself out there a bit.
|
| Also take care of the fundamentals: follow basics rules of
| decency and etiquette, take care of your hygiene, try to observe
| how others behave and take the cue accordingly.
| User23 wrote:
| There are plenty of good specific suggestions about hygiene,
| appearance, food, and so on posted already, so I'll be more
| general.
|
| Eliminate habits that repel others and work on habits that
| attract them.
|
| Don't be annoying. Don't try to make things about yourself.
| Don't correct people. Don't offer unsolicited advice. Don't be
| creepy to girls. Don't be pushy. There are myriad ways to be
| annoying.
|
| Be pleasant. People strongly remember how you make them feel,
| so be sure your influence is positive. It's better to leave
| them wanting more than overdoing it and making them sick of
| you.
|
| You can't be the judge of whether you are socially attractive
| or repulsive. Only others can do that. Don't fall back on ego-
| preserving self-deception, but accept their judgment and learn
| from it. At worst, the group isn't a good fit for you, in which
| case it's best to gracefully move on. The particulars of an
| intramural football team are going to be very different from
| the those of a math study group. Look to join groups that play
| to your strengths and not to your weaknesses.
| collegeburner wrote:
| You're right and I think i'm decent on those things, I just
| don't know if I'm wrong. I go to professional events and I
| connect well with people and have formed some good
| professional relationships from there. I just don't know how
| to get feedback on whether or not I'm doing some of those
| things, you know? It's really hard to figure that out about
| myself and people don't tend to mention that stuff.
| User23 wrote:
| > I just don't know if I'm wrong. I go to professional
| events and I connect well with people and have formed some
| good professional relationships from there.
|
| A good professional relationship can turn into a lasting
| friendship, but in my experience it's pretty rare.
| Professional relationships tend to remain, well,
| professional. Be open to forming friendships with
| colleagues, but don't expect it. A lot of people just want
| their job to be a job. I've found both lunch and taking a
| 15-30 minute walk to be good ways to bond socially at work.
| Being pleasant shouldn't be too hard there. For example do
| you appreciate it when someone else drives to lunch? Then
| offer to do it too. Is your coworker bouncing an idea off
| you? Even if you think it's bad, try to find a way to show
| that you're in their corner and want them to succeed. Don't
| be dishonest, but prefer the "yes and..." to the "yes,
| but..." style of conversation.
|
| > I just don't know how to get feedback on whether or not
| I'm doing some of those things, you know? It's really hard
| to figure that out about myself and people don't tend to
| mention that stuff.
|
| Some people are naturals, but many, especially in the tech
| world, aren't. You've got the right attitude. Social
| interaction is a skill and like all skills it can be
| improved with practice. Dale Carnegie's book[1] is a
| classic on the subject that I recommend. Take some time at
| the end of the day to reflect on your interactions with
| others. See if you can identify why each interaction was
| warm or cool, especially if it started one way and went the
| other.
|
| Finally, while it's best used sparingly, you can just ask
| them. Be aware that this can violate the don't be annoying
| rule, but many people like to be helpful and will give you
| honest feedback if you ask. Be sure to thank them for it,
| even if it isn't apparently helpful.
|
| [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_In
| fluen...
| stefanos82 wrote:
| A couple of suggestions I have learned from personal experience:
| 1. Be yourself 2. Be sincere 3. Do your best to speak
| as little as possible 4. Be observant and mindful when
| others speak to you 5. Learn to listen 6. Be
| appreciative 7. If you are genuinely happy when you see
| someone, show it to him or her with a big smile and the warmest
| hug. 8. Don't be a people pleaser; if you don't like
| something, don't force yourself to do so for the sake of feeling
| "in" with others.
|
| Head up, deep breath, off you go my boy.
|
| P.S.: Better to be alone and happy than be surrounded by
| countless of people and be lonely...I speak from experience.
| bravura wrote:
| TLDR: Maybe you don't want CS major friends, maybe you want a
| completely different kind of friend group that you wouldn't have
| expected in advance. Also, consider throwing events.
|
| My quick story, from "zero to hero" (just kidding).
|
| Never interested in CS major interests.
|
| During high school, I kept to myself. There were people I was
| "friendly" with, but no friends. Spent all my time on the
| computer coding.
|
| Freshman year of college: Took super hard math and physics
| classes, where you were encouraged to work with others on super
| hard problem sets, I made friends. It was mainly focused around
| work and shooting the shit during super long study sessions.
| However, I felt like something was missing from my social life.
|
| Sophomore year: On a punt, decided to start taking arts classes.
| Fiction writing, video, etc. Realized I love hanging out with
| artists. Joined the literary magazine and spent a lot of time at
| the literary magazine house in my free time. (Also realized that
| freshman friendship groups are only rigid and fixed for a small
| portion of the population and many other students were seeking
| different deeper friendships throughout the entirety of their
| college experience.)
|
| Junior year: Ran for and achieved Dionysus position ("social
| chair") on the literary magazine. Started throwing our parties
| and immediately became immensely popular.
|
| Now: All my friends see me as the most outgoing, incredibly well-
| loved, bon vivant type. Almost my entire social circle is
| artists. No one can believe that I started so "introverted" and
| solo.
|
| p.s. throwing events is an amazing way to start meeting a lot of
| people and gain a wider possibility for possible friends.
| afarrell wrote:
| Be curious about people.
|
| If you need a nerdy framework to practice to do this (I sometimes
| do), then Clean Language Questions are a good one.
|
| Also, look at breath exercises for anxiety. Prof Huberman's
| youtube channel has some.
| ihunter2839 wrote:
| One thing I'd add to the advice given already is to get out and
| socialize sooner rather than later in your degree. When you are a
| freshman, everyone is in the same boat as you, trying to piece
| together a new group of friends. It can seem daunting, but know
| that you're not in it alone!
|
| After freshman year, you'll still certainly be able to make
| plenty of friends, but I found that first year to be especially
| primed for socialization.
|
| As others have mentioned - ask people to hang out outside if
| class. Get to the clubs you are interested in, even if they
| aren't full of other CS majors. Look for events sponsored by the
| school, like concerts or dances or sports games, and try to find
| folks who are interested in a good time there.
|
| Best of luck to you!
|
| P.s. - where are you going to school? If you feel comfortable
| sharing, you could potentially get some advice on campus specific
| activities (if there are any alumni around).
| zoomablemind wrote:
| >...When you are a freshman, everyone is in the same boat as
| you, trying to piece together a new group of friends.
|
| My experience too. It may seem that everyone else is somehow
| already plugged-in, but it's just an appearance. Making some
| acquaintances is a first step to potential friends.
|
| I would not be relying heavily on the need to share something
| in common - free time and attention is already common enough.
| All it takes to "socialize" is to ask anyone from your fellow
| cohort about what they're doing tonight a few times then ask to
| come along, if not already being invited to join. Turns out
| boring or not your thing, well, at least now you've got a
| "shared" experience and a reason to reciprocate and invite
| someone to do things your way.
|
| Another idea is to join some hiking (or similar outdoors)
| group. This gives you an extended time in a group, so naturally
| some conversations open the avenues to do things together
| beyond hiking. Also, it helps to hook up with some folks from
| the next college year, kinda piggy back into their circles.
|
| Finally, just do your thing in the spririt of "Build it and
| they'll come!". After all it's your time, make it fun for
| yourself to live through it.
|
| Good luck!
| collegeburner wrote:
| That's part of it, I'm a sophomore and didn't meet anybody last
| year on zoom. Seems like everybody already got their social
| group though. I'm at Texas A&M, so if there are any former
| students around who got ideas lmk.
| cs2818 wrote:
| Fellow Aggie here! I graduated with a CS degree nearly 10
| years ago, but I feel like earIy on I had similar experiences
| to what you've described.
|
| For me the landscape and huge size of different orgs at TAMU
| was also somewhat intimidating. I did push myself to join a
| couple of service oriented groups and had a great time but
| didn't make close friends (which is fine). I ended up getting
| involved in research and became close friends with many of my
| lab mates. There are many great CS research labs that are
| welcoming to undergrads just starting if you have interests
| in that.
|
| For me I also found (perhaps too late in my studies) that
| taking classes in other areas that interested me (social
| sciences, psych for me) was a great way to meet entirely
| different groups of people without a lot of the effort of
| joining an org.
|
| I hope something in here is helpful! Although I was
| definitely a 2%er with respect to school spirit, I greatly
| enjoyed my time at A&M and hope you will too.
| ihunter2839 wrote:
| I'd imagine you aren't the only person who may be having a
| hard time adjusting from a remote freshman year to an in
| person sophomore year! Outlook is a big part of these things,
| and sometimes optimism is a great tool even when it seems
| unwarranted.
|
| I'm a cali guy, so I can't comment on Texas A&M from
| experience, but... is there a computer lab available for
| working on your CS assignment? At my school our lab was
| lovingly referred to as "the dungeon". It was a place where
| you would spend long hours working with others on hard
| problems. As others have mentioned, shared hardship goes a
| long way towards friendship, and I am still close with some
| of those I met and worked with there!
| burlesona wrote:
| Gig 'Em! I found my social circle reset pretty hard after
| freshman year and I was kind of starting over as a sophomore,
| so not the same situation but some similarity. I'm not going
| to lie, Sophomore year was hard, but it got better and I
| loved the rest of college.
|
| One thing that made a huge difference for me was getting a
| job on-campus. In my case I worked at the Battalion, it was
| awesome. Although it was also a lot bigger back then.
|
| Student jobs are great because regardless of the job itself,
| everyone else is, well, a student! Unlike class, you almost
| certainly have a lot of time to chitchat and kill time on any
| job, so it's easier to make friends. Another bonus: chances
| are the people you work with are in all different majors, and
| as you make some friends who _aren't_ in your classes then it
| helps branch out and give you more sources of potential
| friends. The people who cross over between disciplines tend
| to be interesting.
|
| Other things I did include intramurals, volunteering at
| summer camps, and getting an all-sports pass and constantly
| asking people if they wanted to go to a
| (soccer/volleyball/tennis/basketball) whatever sport was
| happening and not football. Everyone already has plans for
| the football game, but the minor sports are way easier to go
| watch, less time commitment, and tons of people have all
| sports passes but nobody to go to tennis matches with, so
| they are wasted. I made several casual friends by just asking
| people "you ever been to an Aggie Soccer match? It's fun!"
|
| If you're picking up on a theme here, it's that you should
| try to spend as much time in meat space as possible. I was
| really never comfortable doing stuff like just going to the
| bar by myself, and having structured activities/excuses why I
| was going to be somewhere helped me a lot. Most of the
| friendships I made were casual, but I think that's normal,
| and a few became close friends who still keep in touch 15
| years later.
|
| Hang in there! Lots of people have lonely seasons in life,
| it's normal, and it'll get better :)
| meibo wrote:
| I'm in a similar situation, I started studying during covid
| prime time and I'm now in my third semester with absolutely 0
| friends/no support group.
|
| Up to now, I've never had any events in person. Some classes
| are in person again since 3 weeks ago, but everyone immediately
| runs away after we're dismissed. I'm starting to lose hope at
| this point.
| philistine wrote:
| I managed to meet my wife by getting involved in student
| politics. That whole trying to make the school better manges to
| make me come out of my shell.
| captn3m0 wrote:
| Use the college notice boards. My favorite way of meeting new
| friends was to put up a notice for the silly stuff I was into.
|
| I once created a very silly CTF, and put up a few posters, and
| got enough participation to make a few friends and had a lot of
| fun organizing. No matter what you're into, make it into an
| event, and put up a poster.
| jraph wrote:
| > I don't have a lot of interests that CS majors have (anime,
| video games, social media, etc.)
|
| I was among the students with the best grades during my CS
| bachelor and masters. I don't like any of those things neither.
|
| I've made friends five ways:
|
| - two-three people following the same lessons. Those people were
| also among the ones having the best grades. They were, and still
| are, deeply interested in computer science, so that's one thing
| we did share. But our discussions go beyond this, we share human-
| being related stuff in general. Speaking about CS all the time
| would be boring to me. - flat mates. I built deep relationships
| especially three/four of them (and their family / close friends)
| - through existing friends - The choir. I sing in a choir of
| around 100 people. I joined it late in my studies (end of
| masters). I've have many friends (around ten quite close, some
| more coming, many more I like to see regularly). The habit of
| going to the bar after rehearsals helps a lot. We built / are
| building different groups of people, including people not from
| the choir. This choir has people of different ages and
| backgrounds and this is very valuable, which allows speaking
| about many different things. - (anecdotal) by randomly asking a
| phone number to a couple of people I felt well. It worked the one
| time I tried this. Though I easily ask phone numbers to new
| people more quickly now, so I can propose them things.
|
| The kinds of relationships are different and all valuable.
|
| I was somewhat shy, one of my flatmate made me join the choir and
| the choir helped me build confidence. People there are very
| welcoming and eager to meet people. You are not awkward if you
| just go talk to someone. Actually, I noticed a few time that
| doing so, the other person is relieved that I went to speak to
| them because they didn't dare do it themselves. I also noticed
| that this can be true in other contexts. Many times, people are
| just happy to talk to someone.
|
| Try to find some club where you can meet people who are eager to
| meet other people. It was easy for me because my flatmate brought
| me with him, it takes more courage to go alone, but still worth
| it. Suggest people to go at a bar after whatever activity the
| club does, in group (not just one person). At worst, if you don't
| appear attractive at first, they will be happy to be with the
| other ones, and they will notice how good you are afterwards.
|
| Listen to people. People like to speak of themselves and to find
| a ear to speak to. If you are not the kind who speaks much, you
| may be a good confidant and that can help build deep
| relationships.
|
| Inviting people for hiking is a great way to build good
| relationships too, if applicable. It is possible to speak while
| hiking while enjoying great things together for several hours and
| you are associated to good memories after the hike, and will
| someone one can have a good time. Other activities can help too,
| like bowling for instance (not my stuff however).
|
| Invite your schoolmates to the bar, it can be a good start.
| Especially if you are already pleasant to each others. I notice
| that many relationship don't start just because nobody actually
| made it happen, out of inertia or timidity. Make it happen,
| people will be happy!
|
| Good luck!
| kradeelav wrote:
| Want to give you some reassurance from somebody who was in that
| exact same position all 4 years of college and only found my
| stride socially during the _career_ later on:
|
| Sometimes college kids can be a bit shallow and immature and also
| don't have the social skills to keep friendships going from their
| side - friendship is a two way street. Definitely "try" a few
| methods to see if something sticks, and get involved in 2-3 clubs
| if you've got the bandwidth, but don't think it's the end of the
| world if nothing does stick. Get what you can from college
| (internships!!) and know it's not going to be the same thing for
| the rest of your life.
|
| I was an introvert, disabled, had hearing issues, in hindsight
| also had hygiene issues that I've since taken care of, and was
| dangerously depressed during my junior year which didn't help
| matters. I basically camped out at the library either borrowing
| books or games, did my four years, and still have no connections
| from that time.
|
| What worked was showing up in-person at my current workplace and
| climbing up the ranks with my coworkers and getting to know them
| on a personal level, as well as going through several rough work
| changes. See if an internship offers a different social group
| than college does.
|
| (Also a woman - so, having a few issues being social isn't just a
| gendered thing, even if it skews a certain way.)
| ilikepizza wrote:
| Don't overthink it. Just buy some pizzas for your college mates.
| launchiterate wrote:
| join a club outside your comfort zone aka salsa dancing, drama,
| improv, etc.
| bencollier49 wrote:
| First off, it's important to remember that this actually isn't a
| big deal unless you make it that. I think there's a lot of
| pressure on people to make "friends for life" at uni, and
| realistically you'll be making friends in all sorts of avenues
| for the rest of your life, so don't sweat it.
|
| My advice would be to do the things which make you happy, and
| then you'll meet people who get along with you. Those things
| don't have to be connected to college. Look further afield.
| rufus_foreman wrote:
| Buy a guitar. Play it loud. Get fucked up on alcohol and drugs.
| You will get kicked off campus. This is your first sign of
| success. Play the guitar louder. Drink more and do more drugs.
| All these fuck ups that are still around? One of those is your
| drummer. This is the crux. Which one is it?
|
| Answering this question correctly results in absolute freedom and
| the actualization of your soul.
|
| Or like do meetups or something. Jesus Christ. How the fuck would
| I know.
| tayo42 wrote:
| People are always transferring schools so there's probabaly tons
| of friendless people. It's common. Drink, torn on my own frat
| experiences but Greek life mignt be good.
| altdataseller wrote:
| Take some initiative and chances. Tell everyone you know that you
| are hosting a party or a bowling hangout and see who shows up.
| Instead of waiting to be invited.
| [deleted]
| adamcharnock wrote:
| I didn't do well at this in college (/university in my case, UK).
| I didn't really know much about myself which I think made it
| harder to connect with people. I learned more about myself in my
| mid-twenties which made it easier. I threw myself into that and
| made a wonderful group of friends and found an amazingly
| supportive community.
|
| Now there is a fair chance this will not help you at all, but
| I'll share here anyway. The thing that really turned it around
| for me was finding a minority that I was part of, in my case the
| LGBTQ+ community. Being in a minority community where everyone
| shared similar experiences gave so many more chances to make
| friends. I.e. more chances to be vulnerable around each other,
| and more changes to support others when they are in need. That's
| how I made friendships that I think will last a lifetime.
|
| This will not be the experience of everyone in such a position,
| but it was mine. The other comments here also have some good
| advice.
|
| From my point of view I think it must be really hard for
| strait/cis/mono etc people. I still inevitably socialise in those
| circles and it seems _hard_ to make connections.
| originate wrote:
| 1) Ask for people's names. Then remember it next time you see
| them.
|
| 2) ask them to grab lunch or dinner after or before class.
|
| 3) meet the next person, remember their name, invite them to
| lunch with previous person.
|
| Recursively repeat.
| awb wrote:
| Have you tried authentic relating? It's a practice of connecting
| with yourself and others in a deep way.
|
| There are some free online Zoom calls to practice:
| https://authenticrelating.co/art-community-circles/
|
| It might give you insight into the type of connection you're
| looking for and how to create it rather than waiting for it to
| arrive.
|
| Also, you're not interested in anime, video games, etc., but what
| are you interested in? Go to those places and hang around / talk
| to organizers. You'll feel more alive in places you feel
| comfortable. If those places don't exist then look into creating
| them.
| Jtsummers wrote:
| Making friends often takes some deliberate effort unless you're a
| social person by default.
|
| - Clubs. Find more general clubs or groups. A club often forms
| around a singular topic or activity, which is great for finding
| people who share _that_ interest with you, but may not be enough
| to become friends with them.
|
| - Campus events. If you're living on campus or near enough to go
| on campus for them, participate. If you're invited by someone,
| accept the invitation and hang out with them.
|
| - When invited to something, say yes more often than no. If your
| objective is to make friends, anyone who shows interest in doing
| things with you is a potential friend. If you do like one of my
| old roommates in college and, in response to an invite to dinner
| with a group or a movie, say, "I'm installing Linux", you will
| almost certainly not get a second invitation. It's the "I have to
| wash my hair" answer for nerds, intended or not it conveys a lack
| of interest in the other person or people.
|
| - Actively form a group. If you find people that you like, start
| inviting them to social activities. Hang out, go see a movie,
| grab dinner, cook dinner together, host your own Halloween party.
| Whatever it is. The _best_ way to make friends is to actively
| cultivate the friendships. If you passively wait for friends, you
| will have a harder time of it.
|
| Also, assume a lack of generosity on the part of others. As I
| said above, if you say no often enough you won't get more
| invitations. Assume that this is true, so sometimes meet people
| halfway. It doesn't matter that you don't enjoy picnics in the
| quad. If the group gathers there every week, go every once in a
| while if your intention is to form real friendships. On the other
| hand, if you take an active role in starting activities and
| inviting people, be generous. If they say no every time, keep
| inviting them. Don't count on them, but invite them. It's
| frustrating, but if you're not generous you may miss out on a
| good friendship later on.
| collegeburner wrote:
| > A club often forms around a singular topic or activity,
| which... may not be enough to become friends with them.
|
| This! I always hear people say "oh you'll make friends in a
| club" and couldn't figured out how to put this into words. Any
| advice on the sort of ones to look for that are "more general"?
|
| Thanks for the other advice btw, I dont really know how to set
| up activities like that so I'll have to do some work learning
| but will give a shot.
| Jtsummers wrote:
| When I went to college my only friends at that school were
| from HS, both were Presbyterian. I went to their campus group
| (they had a building, some students lived there). About half
| of the people there were Presbyterian, the rest of us were
| just friends with them (some religious, others not). So while
| the community ostensibly formed around the particular church,
| it had a more diverse group and we all had different
| interests. The _common_ thing was that we mostly enjoyed each
| others ' company, and then smaller groups formed around
| specific kinds of activities. Some of us were more video game
| nerds, or anime nerds, or we formed intramural sports teams,
| etc.
|
| I also joined the IEEE student society and, later, the ACM
| student society. While they formed around the technical
| disciplines, they weren't as specific as a movie watching
| club. This offered similar opportunities to the other
| environment.
|
| These broader groups have general social activities and
| events that are good opportunities to meet people without
| there being a specific focus. Another element of these groups
| is that you often don't need to be a member to go to their
| social events. That church group had cookouts every once in a
| while. People could just walk up and eat and talk, we didn't
| care if they were properly part of the group or not. If you
| see announcements for things or pass by an event, join in.
| You may meet people you like, or not, but you have to take
| the chance.
|
| As far as setting up activities, start simple. If I were in
| college right now, this weekend I'd want to see _Dune_. I 'd
| invite whoever I knew and suggest dinner and a movie. The
| movie is the impetus to get people out, the dinner is the
| opportunity to talk. Do it in either order (dinner then
| movie, movie then dinner), though the latter is nice because
| it means there is no clock on the dinner (c'mon people, we've
| got to go or we'll miss the movie). Then you can branch out
| from there. Whatever _you 're_ interested in, start inviting
| people but try to have a social component, a chance to just
| sit and talk. Learn their interests and if you see or hear
| something that may be of interest to them but is not high on
| your own list, still suggest it.
|
| Like, I enjoy white water rafting, it's fun, but it's not _my
| thing_. I 've had friends who would do it every weekend if
| there were no cost or travel time. So I still threw it out as
| an activity sometimes because I knew that it would be of
| interest to some of my friends, even if it was a take-it-or-
| leave it thing for me.
| mrblampo wrote:
| Club is a good start! Do you like the people there? Ask if they
| want to grab food together after the club meeting sometime. Or
| invite them over for snacks, drinks (if you can obtain in a way
| you're comfortable with), videogames etc at your place or at a
| common space.
|
| If you don't like them so much, or even if you do, try other
| clubs, IM sports, join a chorus or band or orchestra, a cappella
| group, etc. These things have built in socializing and often
| produce lifelong friendships.
|
| Biggest thing I can say is that if you aren't already getting
| invited to stuff, invite people to your own stuff. Other people
| are probably having the same socializing trouble, so you can go
| ahead and fix it for everyone.
| collegeburner wrote:
| Tbh i should probably try inviting people to stuff, I just
| don't wanna try to put something together and have like 2
| people show up. I never really organized that kind of hang out
| before so I'll have to do some work learning. Thanks for the
| advice!
| mrblampo wrote:
| Sounds like the low-commitment option of going out for food
| might make the most sense then!
| throwaway98797 wrote:
| 1. Pick 3 places
|
| 2. Go to them at same time / day every week
|
| 3. Observe people
|
| 4. Be clean and not bad smelling
|
| 5. Strike up conversation based on what you observe
|
| Gyms, coffee shops, or social clubs are good choices. Bars tend
| to be a bad choice and may encourage vices.
| giansegato wrote:
| We befriend people with whom we spend time. As simple as that.
| Usually that happens because you have common interests, common
| foes, and/or common values, but those are a non-problem in
| college where everyone is facing the same issues, are roughly of
| the same age, and still have to develop a strong set of beliefs.
|
| So, to get practical, I would suggest: just show up. Show up in
| class, show up at clubs, show up at extra-curricula activities.
| Do it long enough, be honestly engaged, and you'll be surrounded
| by friends you'll keep for all your life.
| robcohen wrote:
| 1. Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. Go consistently. Join
| clubs that you might enjoy but improve your social skills
| (acting, improv, debate, etc). Don't just hang out with the same
| people all the time.
|
| 2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out
| and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to
| care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept
| rejection.
|
| 3. Learn to be a "connector". Learn to talk to people. Listen to
| what they want and like. Connect them with others who like the
| same thing. Learn to cook and invite groups of people over for
| dinner and drinks/tea. Organize walks or hikes. Play poker, play
| board games, chess.
|
| 4. Keep track of everyone you speak to. Everyone. Write down what
| they mentioned they liked, who their family is, what matters to
| them. Maintain their contact. Reach out during holidays and
| birthdays in a heartfelt way.
|
| 5. (Edit) Oh yeah, practice EXCELLENT hygiene at all times.
| Shower in the morning after exercise and take care of your teeth,
| breath and body odor.
| easymodex wrote:
| > 4. Keep track of everyone you speak to. Everyone. Write down
| what they mentioned they liked, who their family is, what
| matters to them.
|
| Make sure to put that list on a wall somewhere in your room so
| visitors can see how much you care. It will be a nice
| conversation starter and not at all alarming.
| katzgrau wrote:
| I feel particularly compelled to highlight that this one
| above is sarcasm, OP. I actually almost read it as sincerity.
| tomcooks wrote:
| Maybe its cultural but from my perspective this has a fair
| 70% chance of appearing turbo creepy, especially if you're
| "that guy"
|
| t. That guy
|
| Edit: didn't get the joke did i
| [deleted]
| cybervegan wrote:
| There's a lot of good advice in that, but some of it would be
| too regimented for me, and I've _never_ been able to handle too
| many social activities in a short period of time.
| whatshisface wrote:
| A lot of social technique advice is useless because anyone
| with a reasonable amount of intelligence would discover it
| themselves, provided they have the right brain chemicals for
| naturally spending a lot of time around people, which
| obviously most of the people who don't already do that don't.
| The first step in a realistic guide would be something about
| how to overcome or change one's inner nature. If you wanted
| to help people who weren't already successful you'd really
| need to start by telling them how to overcome their
| depression/anxiety/health problems/sleep disorders/whatever
| else is biasing them against getting out there. Someone who
| is completely healthy will start talking to people out of
| boredom and will not need advice on how to do it.
| kjeetgill wrote:
| As someone who needed this advice thread in my youth, i
| have to heartily disagree with you. Projecting my own
| experience here:
|
| > anyone with a reasonable amount of intelligence
|
| ...can talk themselves into feeling apprehensive about
| pretty much anything. Not advice for OP necessary, but
| getting out of your head is definitely advice many of us
| needed.
|
| All this jazz about brain chemicals is just as much a
| distraction. Just another "intelligent excuse". It can be
| harder for you, and depression or other conditions can make
| things even harder, but buying into this intrinsic sense of
| _this is what I am_ is what reenforces these traps.
|
| Edit: You've since elaborated, but I'll let my original
| post stand. I agree with you much more now!
| whatshisface wrote:
| Talking yourself into feeling apprehensive about
| everything sounds like anxiety, which I think we're
| agreeing, while using different words, needs to be
| overcome before anything else can happen - but afterwards
| the rest will probably fall in to place. The neurology vs
| psychology thing is a semantic issue, really, whatever
| solves the problems works, and the problem is the same
| whatever we call it.
| fernovus wrote:
| > 4. Keep track of everyone you speak to. Everyone. Write down
| what they mentioned they liked, who their family is, what
| matters to them. Maintain their contact. Reach out during
| holidays and birthdays in a heartfelt way.
|
| https://www.monicahq.com/
| vocram wrote:
| #5 should be true no matter what kind of suggestion you are
| giving. Funny how often people assume that if someone is alone
| then it's because they are dirty or looks ugly/unfit.
| MandieD wrote:
| 4) do this after you get home - don't literally jot that stuff
| down in a notebook while talking to them. You may forget some
| details, that's ok. The important part is that you'll think
| over that interaction while it's fresh on your mind.
|
| 5) (not saying that you specifically are guilty of this, just
| adding it for completeness) and wear clean clothes. This was a
| hygiene fail that I, a female CS major, was subjected to by
| classmates more often than not showering regularly. Depending
| on what you're doing and what your climate is like, most
| college-age guys should probably wash a t-shirt after a day of
| wear, button-downs after two (if you had a t-shirt under it),
| and jeans after three or four, but for the love of all that is
| holy, do not wear socks or undies more than one day.
|
| (Edited to add) Laundry hack I learned from non-stinky husband:
| instead of putting them in the dryer, hang up button-down
| shirts while still wet to avoid pretty much all ironing.
|
| I am going into detail on this because of a direct report I had
| to awkwardly counsel after the customer started making remarks.
| Sources of information on safe laundry intervals for young men:
| CS guy friends who were not stinky, said non-stinky husband
| xiphias2 wrote:
| I would expand on number 5: maximize your looks, do
| bodybuilding or calisthenics (be able to do at least 10 pull
| ups and 30 push ups). Make sure that your clothes fit. People
| are drawn to better looking people subconciously in real life.
| Also I'm more confident in talking to other people when I'm in
| a good shape.
| Khelavaster wrote:
| tl;dr: Don't be crippled? This is pretty ableist :(.
| collegeburner wrote:
| I dont that's what they meant, I've met a few people in
| wheelchairs who were seriously big. Obviously not in their
| legs but ripped upper bodies.
| fxtentacle wrote:
| Fully agree with #2.
|
| No matter how clever you are, feeling at ease around people
| takes some practice. I used to be considered super extroverted,
| but now after the lock-downs, I also feel a bit awkward inside.
| So pick an event that might be interesting - any event really -
| and go there. Try to spend 1 hour without staring at your phone
| and instead look at what's going on, what other people are
| doing, and what you could do.
|
| Also #3. You'll be surprised at how little what you say
| actually matters, as long as you are generally friendly,
| attentive, listen to them, and are halfway hygienic. Most
| people are so worried about what you might think about them
| that they barely have time to form an opinion about you.
|
| At that event, there will probably be other people that are
| lonely, too. You'll need to divide them into 2 groups: a) they
| are alone because they are difficult to talk to, or in a bad
| mood b) they are alone because they are in a similar situation
| as you So if you see anyone that is alone, makes eye contact,
| and seems friendly, just talk to them.
|
| "I went here alone because I was so curious about X but
| everyone else already had plans. Why did you come?"
|
| Extra credits: Try to start your questions with Why or How. It
| gives the other person an opportunity to talk about something
| unrelated, if they want to.
| adamcharnock wrote:
| I think this is good advice for making acquaintances, which is
| definitely a start.
|
| But, IMHO, turning these acquaintances into friends takes
| something else: showing vulnerability and being able to support
| the other person when they are vulnerable.
|
| The comments here have some great advice, but I haven't seen
| anyone mention this. Personally I think this is absolutely
| paramount.
|
| The best friendships I have are with people who I have shared
| myself with, have been willing to listen, and who have listened
| with kindness and understanding. People who appreciate that I
| am showing faith in our friendship by opening up.
|
| Some people will not give me that space. They will look
| uncomfortable or make awkward jokes. They will always be
| acquaintances to me, never friends.
|
| Conversely, I must be willing to do this for other people. To
| listen with understanding, to ask questions, and to know when
| my opinion is not needed.
|
| Now, for those who want it, here's my _strong_ opinion: if
| people won't do this for you, if they respond by looking
| awkward or making uncomfortable jokes, then f*k em. You don't
| need that in your life, and you'll find much better people.
| Blackstone4 wrote:
| Focus on empathy and listening. Also be open and be positive
| (think the best of people). Believing the world is a fun place
| full of opportunities helps one to be happy and attract people.
|
| Open up and be vulnerable with people i.e. I finding x difficult
| at the moment but I'm figuring things out.
|
| Look up Charisma on Command on YouTube. It helped me.
| CharlesW wrote:
| _How to Win Friends & Influence People_ may seem like an archaic
| recommendation given that it was written in 1936, but it remains
| a must-read for those who need or would appreciate a framework
| for doing exactly what you want.
| malwrar wrote:
| I spent my first year in college sitting on my computer in my
| dorm, so it sounds like you're in the sameish spot I was. Next
| time you're talking with new people, try inviting them to do
| something with you. I made my first friends in college by asking
| if some random classmates wanted to get lunch, and after just a
| few days we found common interests which quickly snowballed.
| Cosplaying as the social butterfly, even for a little, can change
| your social life overnight. It's helped me heavily into
| adulthood, can't recommend getting into the habit enough. Don't
| take rejection personally, and just keep trying.
| cpach wrote:
| Is there any interest groups for students at your school? E.g.
| photography, choir, hiking, board games or something like that?
| If so, that could be one way to regularly meet people. Depending
| on where you live there might also be such groups for "regular"
| people as well (i.e. not restricted to students only).
| MartianDwarf wrote:
| IF some asks you to hang out always say yes. They most likely
| wont ask again. lower your standards even if you don't plan on
| being long term friends. Just go out with people and you'll
| connect with other new people.
| jclulow wrote:
| > I'm busy a lot of the time so don't think about this.
|
| The most critical thing is to be intentional about it, and to set
| aside time. Like any goal, it almost certainly won't happen if
| you do not set aside time and energy to work on it.
|
| Relationships are also often something that grow over time,
| rather than a lightning bolt that hits you all at once. Try
| asking who wants to go to a second location and get dinner or
| coffee or whatever the next time you see folks from your club, or
| the next time a tutorial is wrapping up. Do it again the next
| week. I am sure that even if you don't believe you have things in
| common, you'll be able to do what everyone does to some extent:
| listen anyway, and eventually you'll find common ground.
| poulsbohemian wrote:
| Recommendation: treat networking, friend-making, social
| activities, etc as a skill to be developed. Gamify it for
| yourself.
|
| What I'm saying here isn't meant to be insincere in your desire
| to connect with others, but rather treat it as a skill to work on
| the same way you might work on your health, diet, knowledge, etc.
| I'm an extreme introvert and loner - always have been - but at
| some point I realized that it's critical to be able to connect
| with other people at some level. Thus, when I started to view it
| as a muscle to be strengthened, I got a whole lot better at it.
|
| As others have said - go find your tribe, not only in college,
| but in whatever you do post-studies.
| ardit33 wrote:
| 1. Become friends with your roommate, and dorm people. You see
| these people everyday. Say hi to them, and just small talk for
| only 2-3mins time to time when people are not in a rush.
|
| 2. Play sports... (recreational/intramural), coed better.
|
| 3. Join a gym, and start exercising/living healthy
|
| 4. Make sure your hygiene is on point and dress well/better than
| the average. Also pay attention to your grooming and other habits
| (eg. eating habits). Perhaps there is something that is turning
| off people.
|
| 5. Try to invite people to events/things. Event just lunch at the
| school cafeteria. Try to form a habit to have lunch with the same
| people/group and eventually people will invite you to things.
|
| Some of the folks that I went in college that had trouble making
| friends, apart being socially akward, had some kind of basic
| hygiene/grooming problem. You are not going to get invites to
| parties if you look like crap, and have body odor. Nobody will
| tell you why.
|
| Make sure these basic stuff are covered, then the other thing is
| just talking regularly to the same people, having lunch with them
| regularly, etc...
|
| Also, don't beat yourself up, as many people are in the same boat
| as you. This year is kind of unusual, as covid is still a concern
| and most people will be more reserved as usual.
|
| Good luck,
| egwor wrote:
| Stick hygiene at top of your list including making sure that
| your clothes and bedding are regularly washed. You'll feel
| better for it anyway and if you're feeling ill/under the
| weather then you've got a good buffer :)
| jjice wrote:
| To add to #5, it might be awkward the first time you invite
| someone(s) to do something, but think about it like this: no
| one will think less of you for asking them to have lunch with
| you. There's a really good chance they're too nervous to ask
| people to go to lunch with them too.
|
| It's really common in social settings where multiple people
| want the same thing, but are too nervous to ask the other
| person. A lot of people don't like making the decision or will
| wait for someone else to say something, but that usually
| results in nothing. In the end, there's no real downside to
| asking.
|
| It can be really hard to meet people, but college gives you
| constant opportunities to, so there's plenty to take advantage
| of.
|
| Chat with your class mates and once you've had regular
| conversation with them a few times, ask them to grab food or
| study together. The amount of friends I've made from study
| groups was huge, definitely recommend.
| mooreds wrote:
| My suggestion: invite the people from the club to something. An
| event on campus, a movie, out to lunch at the dining hall, etc.
| Ask them about their interests in or outside the club.
|
| You already have a nascent network, see if you can build on it.
|
| You don't say what year you are in college, but my first year was
| really hard in terms of getting to know folks. Finding that first
| group of friends was critical to enjoying the rest of college.
| jackcviers3 wrote:
| Go out and drink beer on a Wednesday night. Go to football games.
| Go to dance clubs. Go to music venues. Go to parties.
|
| Then talk to people. That is literally all it takes in college.
|
| If you stay in your dorm room night after night, especially in
| your freshman year, you are going to have a hard time connecting
| with people. You need to get out more.
|
| 1 night during the week, 1 night on the weekend are for meeting
| people.
|
| You can study / homework / club stuff the rest of the time.
| zd123 wrote:
| I was introverted at uni and it was difficult to make friends
| initially. So much so that i stopped leaving my room and became
| pretty depressed. I felt pretty sad everytime I went to lectures
| and just sat on my own with no one to chat to. I saw other folks
| socialising and having a great time but i just couldnt figure out
| how they got in a position to make friends.
|
| Heading for lunch was also a sad affair as it was pretty much
| just me and my food watching the world go by.
|
| What helped me was to get involved in societies etc. I found
| making a couple of friends easier after this (though i was still
| a little shy around women).
|
| The key was to just be myself, not give a shit about what other
| people thought of me, and to try and enjoy each and every
| interaction with another human being. I think if you overthink
| how other people perceive you, it will make it harder for you to
| make friends. Simply dont give a shit and voice ur opinions
| (unless they're extreme and illegal)
|
| Funnily enough, as I got older, I found I much prefer being alone
| and focusing on my own interests and personal development.
|
| I now cannot be asked to go out socialising at the expense of my
| own insular interests.
|
| Reason I mention the last point is that as hard and lonely
| university will seem right now, things will get better for you.
| You may find,like I did, that people are insufferable wretches
| best observed from a distance.
| throwawayboise wrote:
| Check out a fraternity or sorority. They get a lot of negative
| publicity, some of it deserved, but some are good and there might
| be one that you vibe with. And they are all about your social
| development and having a group of friends. May not be the answer
| but at least check it out.
| SquishyPanda23 wrote:
| Is it possible that you're autistic? There are lots of online
| tests you can take. If so, it would explain why you have a hard
| time finding people to connect with.
|
| If you are, then you'll probably get along best with other
| autistic people. And you'll have to put effort into socializing,
| which is a learned skill just like CS.
|
| There should be several autistic people in any CS department, and
| also in math and physics.
| valleyjo wrote:
| Something similar happened to me the first semester of college. I
| had no friends and I was really struggling with the transition. I
| lost a lot of weight because I didn't want to go to the cafeteria
| alone.
|
| Things ended up improving for me and overall I had an amazing
| time in college. What worked for me was trying to stay open when
| meeting people. I took some risks and asked people to hang out
| 1:1 and in small groups. There were a lot of these hang outs with
| people that never turned into anything in the first year. It
| wasn't until my second year I really made some good friends and
| it came through trial and error.
|
| I also don't have any of those interests. I went to a big school
| and one of my realizations is that it was on me to find my own
| place there. I tried a bunch of clubs before I found one or two
| that stuck but through those activities that DID stick I made my
| best friends.
|
| Keep your head up, know that the transition will take time, and
| keep trying new things on the social front.
| mathattack wrote:
| I struggled a bit early on. Join organizations and volunteer to
| help. The latter is important.
| vikR0001 wrote:
| Go to events for people that have the same interests you do.
| You're likely to make some friends at events like this if you go
| to a lot of them.
| etrautmann wrote:
| Explore some groups! College is a great time to try some new
| things and develop new interests. It's typically easiest to
| develop friendships when there's some pretense of a reason to get
| together, which really can be almost anything. For me that was
| outdoor activities like camping and climbing, but it could easily
| be music groups, language partners, cooking, or literally
| anything else. Many campus groups should be open to newcomers
| with interest but no experience in whatever they happen to do.
| HDMI_Cable wrote:
| One skill that other people haven't mentioned, but is incredibly
| useful: keeping up with people. Even if you talk to everyone you
| meet, and get 5 phone numbers a day, if you don't actively plan
| things and hang out with them, you can never become friends with
| them. Follow the other commenters' advice, but also make sure you
| consistently plan things with people.
| dukoolio wrote:
| How was your previous school experience? How long have you been
| in college?
|
| Your statement "haven't gotten beyond acquaintance" kind of
| implies some general social awkwardness/anxiety. You seem to be
| branding yourself as an outsider looking in. I think that's
| relatively common and I've been there, it's just an observation.
|
| You don't have to have a lot of interests in common with people
| to enjoy their company. But if you are routinely looking for
| reasons that you don't belong in a group, you'll keep finding
| them.
|
| Stay authentic to yourself. Seek out people that make you happy.
| You do not have to be best friends with someone to enjoy their
| company.
| smitty1e wrote:
| Examine the menu carefully, and join a suitable community of
| faith.
|
| If you were raised in a specific tradition, consider that as a
| going-in position.
| collegeburner wrote:
| Thanks, I haven't looked for one around yet but I'm sure
| there's one and its probably a good place. Good advice.
| ed_elliott_asc wrote:
| Ask people if you can hang out with them, go, be friendly, keep
| going.
| cybervegan wrote:
| What I have found works, is joining a group (club, volunteers
| group, sports team or whatever sparks your interest), and going
| as regularly as your schedule allows. In particular, _help people
| out_ and _do nice things_ like bring cookies or cakes (home-made
| is best if you can do it). Friendship takes effort, and requires
| maintenance.
|
| I moved away from my home city about 20 years ago, and outside of
| work, I had no real friends apart from my wife, for about 10
| years. Previously, I'd generally just "shared" my partner's
| friendship circles but this isn't ideal, as I've found don't have
| many interests in common with most of my partner's friends, which
| is awkward. I didn't consider myself isolated, or even recognise
| a yearning for friends in myself, but it _does_ take a
| psychological toll.
|
| I accidentally solved this problem by forming a makerspace and
| later, repair cafe - and this has bloomed into a decent,
| manageable (for me) friendship circle. I'm still not a massive
| party-goer, but then I'm in my 50s, so that's probably normal!
| thefz wrote:
| I think it's easier to make friends if you follow your interests
| outside school. Sports and hobbies like musik will make you
| gravitate naturally around same-minded people.
| sAbakumoff wrote:
| People are overrated. Enjoy yourself,it's all there.
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