[HN Gopher] How to Escape Loneliness
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How to Escape Loneliness
Author : AniketP1
Score : 65 points
Date : 2021-09-15 12:11 UTC (1 days ago)
(HTM) web link (whatsonyourmind.substack.com)
(TXT) w3m dump (whatsonyourmind.substack.com)
| jimmyed wrote:
| I have a little hack to fight loneliness; shitposting on HN.
| Quirky comments get the party started with these elitist HN
| types.
| bmeski wrote:
| are you me? am I you?
| Zababa wrote:
| It makes me feel a bit less lonely to know that whenever I post
| something incorrect about programming languages, someone will
| be there to correct me.
| ajay-b wrote:
| I think it is also cultural. Some cultures are more socially
| engaged than others, particularly through religion, and holidays.
|
| Would the individualism of American culture contribute to
| loneliness?
| nine_zeros wrote:
| > Would the individualism of American culture contribute to
| loneliness?
|
| It does. People spend too much time on self-help and individual
| pursuits to actually hang around and waste time.
|
| Wasting time in a "Time is money" society is contradictory.
| powersnail wrote:
| > A whopping 46% of Americans report feeling sometimes or always
| alone.
|
| Well, I always thought that I feel lonely because I'm a foreigner
| in US. It seems like the culture itself at least contributes
| partly.
|
| There is a bizarre phenomenon that I don't understand about
| socializing in US: outside of specialized hobby groups or clubs,
| people don't do stuff when they are together. They just "hang
| out" around grills and pizzas. And it's not because of the lack
| of opportunities. If you are really good friends, you might go to
| watch a sports game or play sports together. If you are in a
| hiking hobbyist group, you might go hiking. But among general
| acquaintances, all participatory activities seem to disappear.
|
| Whereas in China, you have the choice of KTV, escape rooms,
| cards, and all sorts of group recreational activities.
|
| Of course, it could be that I'm hanging around the wrong crowd
| here in the US. My anecdotal experience certainly doesn't cover a
| lot of population.
| jdavis703 wrote:
| These are definitely the people you're hanging out with. I
| would say outside of parties/partying most socializing is
| activity-based, at least in my personal experience.
| [deleted]
| frenchy wrote:
| I'm not sure why you were downvoted, but your experience (or
| anyone's really) is going to be pretty idiocyncratic.
|
| America is a big place (China is too!) and there are a lot of
| distinct sub-cultures. There absolutely is karaoke, escape
| rooms, cards, and all sorts of recreational activities in the
| US, and these wouldn't exist if nobody did them. In my
| experience these sort of things are mostly done by people 25
| and under.
|
| To be fair, watching television is a big part of American
| culture. Eating food is a big part of every culture I'm
| familiar with.
|
| Also, I'd be suprised 46% of the population feeling lonely at
| least sometimes wasn't very normal in most highly urban and
| mobile societies.
|
| Edit: accidentally slaughtered a few words
| yawboakye wrote:
| Americans, in my experience, have mastered the art of fake
| enthusiasm (and likely are the first to say "exciting" in an
| exchange). It seems to be overflowing into Canada, in fact
| (still anecdotal). No idea why they are unable to show real
| emotions but have to come across as enthusiastic, empathetic,
| all the good stuff. All this in public. I wonder what they deal
| with in the solitude of themselves, and how.
| 0x0x0x2345 wrote:
| I love programming (that's why I'm on hacker news) but when I get
| into the zone it makes me feel... "wired" is the best way to
| describe it is or "switched on". After I find it difficult to
| socialise, make conversation and switch off - and it contributes
| to a feeling of loneliness.
|
| I know others get this feeling but for me it's much longer
| lasting and stronger. The half-life is around days not hours and
| so it also impacts my weekends.
|
| I then find it difficult to feel connected with my friends and
| partner and I hate myself for it.
|
| In contract on holidays, I feel bubbly, the conversation flows
| and overall I am a much more sociable person.
|
| The feeling of being wired is specifically linked to deep
| thinking when programming or doing maths. I don't get it when I
| "work hard" for example writing. It impacts my thoughts, mind,
| mood and composition.
|
| Does anyone else feel like this?
| mike00632 wrote:
| Yup. Programming and math can put me into a state of mind where
| it is hard to socialize with people. It takes hours or days to
| come out of that state of mind.
| sneak wrote:
| The American lifestyle is engineered specifically to fit a style
| that, whether intentional or not, promotes deep and debilitating
| loneliness.
|
| You have to deliberately live in a very abnormal way to avoid it.
|
| Most Americans have very little contact with strangers outside of
| their workplace. It's a real tragedy.
| black_13 wrote:
| I spent 3 weeks in Germany a country not know for talkative or
| friendly people and I had more real and friendly conversations
| with others than three years in here in the US.
| jdavis703 wrote:
| Ditto. At least in Berlin people will even let their
| neighbors in for parties, which seemed crazy to me as an
| American. I could never imagine opening my door and letting
| random folks come in my home.
| sneak wrote:
| In Berlin it's a lot more likely that your neighbor is
| someone you'd want to party with, too.
| stagger87 wrote:
| In suburban America the concept of a block party is
| relatively common. All neighbors in a cul-de-sac/street get
| together and eat/drink.
| sneak wrote:
| I've lived in several US suburbs and as far as I've seen
| block parties in suburbs only happen on TV. Suburbs are
| actively antisocial places.
|
| Street festivals and that sort of stuff actually happen
| in NYC, which is, of course, not a suburb.
| [deleted]
| jdavis703 wrote:
| But if I understand the party is usually on the street or
| yards (I could be wrong, I've never lived in that type of
| suburb). People generally don't open their homes, right?
| [deleted]
| e40 wrote:
| And I think the young male culture of gaming is only making it
| worse. (Observations from my 20 yr old college student son and
| his friends.)
| blueprint wrote:
| two words: climbing gym
| hkon wrote:
| Have we always changed our social circles so completely as we do
| now? We abandon our childhood friends to get education. Then we
| abandon our fellow students to get jobs. Then we switch jobs. And
| also, we socialize on a less personal plane with the people we
| work with. Maybe in a unnatural way as well. And at the end of
| the day when you are done working I think it takes tremendous
| effort to go socialize and build up a new social circle yet
| again. So it's a game rigged in the favor of loneliness. When I
| read such things I just think of the hunter gatherer society and
| how they would have lived compared to us and how we might have
| changed our social behavior. This complete change of social
| circles I can't imagine was that common.
| Zababa wrote:
| It's weird how everything in this article seems true and logical,
| but at the same time it rings hollow and I feel like the author
| is missing an important point. From experience, for some people
| it will be hard to connect to most people, and thus you'll end up
| more lonely than usual most of the time. If at the same time
| you're a good listener and generous with your time, it can get
| exhausting to have lots of one-sided relationships.
| pm90 wrote:
| Absolutely, being a lonely person that's also a good listener
| is just the worst. You expect people to show at least some
| percentage of the interest that you have in their life (by
| listening to them). But my experience has been that the vast
| majority of people don't listen at all. Note that listening !=
| hearing.
| randmeerkat wrote:
| Part of this is just understanding communication, and what
| healthy communication looks like. The other part is knowing
| yourself, what you're looking for, and being honest with
| where you're at.
|
| When developing a new relationship, friends or otherwise,
| it's great to ask them questions about themselves, to try to
| learn more about them and to empathize with them. After
| awhile, generally the person realizes they've spent a lot of
| time talking about themselves and begin to ask you questions
| about yourself. If they don't do that, then you've met
| someone, you learned a new perspective, and maybe consider
| trying again with another person somewhere else. It's hard to
| find meaningfully good friends, but when you do, it's worth
| it. Life, like coding, is just trial and error.
| Zababa wrote:
| > After awhile, generally the person realizes they've spent
| a lot of time talking about themselves and begin to ask you
| questions about yourself
|
| From my experience, this isn't really true. It's easy to
| see people for a long time and often, and never really have
| them ask anything about yourselves. Which means people
| asking about me is a powerful filter, which has its
| advantages.
| vlod wrote:
| Have you tried not being a good listener? or cranking that
| knob down a bit.
|
| Maybe you're coming across as a super interested in what
| people have to say, that you're artificially (can't think of
| a better word) keeping the conversation in their court.
|
| Allowing the conversation to go silent and see what happens.
| If they don't want to reciprocate or don't appear to listen
| or seem interested, then maybe move on.
|
| Note: I'm not dismissing and would largely agree to what
| you're saying (people just hear).
| e40 wrote:
| I saw this in _The Three-Body Problem_ :
|
| > Everyone likes to reminisce, but no one wants to listen,
| and everyone feels annoyed when someone else tells a story.
|
| That quote really resonated with me, as I realized how true
| it was for my interactions in the last few months.
| toyg wrote:
| The part about stories is not necessarily true though. If
| your story _really is_ engaging or entertaining, you 're
| scoring social points, people will be happy they listened
| and might ask you for more.
|
| The problem is that most people overestimate how
| interesting their experience is to others.
| e40 wrote:
| I've definitely noticed an asymmetry, though. I engage
| and they don't. Yeah, I wasn't hugely interested in some
| of their stories, but I understand they are important to
| them, so I made the effort. Don't see the effort returned
| as often as I make it, that's all.
|
| And it's not everyone, it's a subset of people.
| munificent wrote:
| _> for my interactions in the last few months. _
|
| I read something on Twitter about the pandemic that really
| stuck with me:
|
| Everyone needs more than anyone else has to give right now.
|
| If that quote resonates with you _all_ the time, then there
| may be a deeper problem at play. But right now, yeah, we
| 're all feeling pretty tapped out.
| e40 wrote:
| It very well could be just the people in my life.
|
| Btw, it's only that I noticed it the last few months. I
| think it's been going on far longer and more indicative
| of my relationships. Sadly.
| eddywebs wrote:
| How does one become a good listener ?
| stnmtn wrote:
| There are a couple of neat tips, like "echo-ing". This is
| when after someone says a sentence, you simply repeat back
| the last word(s) they said.
|
| "I went to the beach last weekend, read a great book!" "You
| read a greak book?" "Yeah! It was by this author etc
| etc..."
|
| It feels weird when you do it, but you never notice it when
| someone does it to you and it always feels nice because you
| know they were listening to you.
|
| Also, the #1 thing is that you should be asking questions.
| Being a good listener is about asking questions 90% of the
| time, and those questions should be related to what the
| person is talking about.
|
| For the previous example, if the conversation peters out,
| you can just ask something easy like "What is it about
| reading at the beach that you love so much?"
| randmeerkat wrote:
| Try a couple of books on active listening and see if you
| find one that you like. Then try applying what you've
| learned in real life.
|
| For me it's putting my phone upside down, so I'm not
| distracted by the notifications, focusing on what the
| person is saying, repeating it back when appropriate, and
| by actively trying to understand their perspective /
| emotion(s).
| Zababa wrote:
| For me it's a mix of curiosity, and trying to understand
| (or directly asking) what the person I'm talking to is
| getting at. For example, someone talks to you about
| something that happens at their job. Try to understand what
| they do in their job, their company, the people around
| them. Also try to understand their feeling. Are they
| looking angry? What made them angry? Why?
| Xplune13 wrote:
| I cannot agree more with your last sentence. Even if the
| relationships aren't one sided, the feeling that they are is
| the worst and an enemy of action, so much so that the inaction
| becomes part of who you are and you start to take things in "it
| is what it is" without trying to communicate with others
| (speaking from experience).
|
| I love to be alone but hate to be lonely, and I haven't found a
| balance of "what am I supposed to do" yet.
| Zababa wrote:
| > I love to be alone but hate to be lonely, and I haven't
| found a balance of "what am I supposed to do" yet.
|
| That's a great way to put it.
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(page generated 2021-09-16 23:02 UTC)