[HN Gopher] Divorce
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Divorce
Author : toomuchtodo
Score : 25 points
Date : 2021-05-14 19:15 UTC (3 hours ago)
(HTM) web link (www.profgalloway.com)
(TXT) w3m dump (www.profgalloway.com)
| chmod600 wrote:
| Is marriage and divorce just a preference? Like: I shouldn't have
| bought the blue car, I'll sell it and save up for the red car?
|
| That's what this post feels like. Where is the education and
| personal growth? Where is the judgemental advice that we don't
| want to hear (and is probably politically incorrect), but we
| really should hear anyway? Where is the religion and values?
|
| This was the most sterile article about marriage I've ever read.
| waschikoschi wrote:
| Funny enough: marriage itself doesn't do that.
|
| You get married because you reached a level in your
| relationship which makes marriage the logical next step.
|
| I'm not sure what you mean with 'political incorrect'. What
| advice would you reference which is probably political
| incorrect?
|
| And religion would be interesting indeed. Like arranged
| religious marriages. Peer pressure or just an easier but
| dependent life? Just follow your leaders they will tell you
| what is right?
|
| The article does make a short note on that thought. For
| whatever ret in our society it was more important to have
| stable relationships the potentially the well being of people.
|
| It's probably a quite young achievement of our time that
| marriage is no longer the answer but we as people and our well
| being is recognized and not just the reason to have successors.
| inspector-g wrote:
| Articles like this, that mostly ask questions about (or otherwise
| explore) what about divorce is ineffective or inefficient or
| unjust always cause me to feel a bit disappointed that they don't
| acknowledge another glaringly obvious question: why get married
| in the first place?
|
| This is _not_ the same question as "why become involved in a
| committed relationship in the first place"; the two concepts are
| not mutually exclusive.
|
| The older I get, the more I see (with the advantage of hindsight)
| those close to me jump into marriage essentially unprepared for
| all its ramifications. In many cases they would have faired much
| better by simply committing to their partner _without_ getting
| married, as it is wholly possible to live a full, complete,
| (be)loved life with another person without a legal certificate.
| satyrnein wrote:
| For most people, marriage doesn't have many ramifications
| (unless one party has significant assets or something). Having
| children is the part with ramifications.
| dragonwriter wrote:
| > as it is wholly possible to live a full, complete, (be)loved
| life with another person without a legal certificate.
|
| It is possible, but it comes with a lot of complications, as
| has been thoroughly documented (for instance) by the gay rights
| movement in the years prior to legal same sex marriage (and
| before mostly-marriage-equivalent civil unions.)
| Handtuch wrote:
| Marriage can be very easy and cheap. It can also be very big
| and expensive.
|
| I liked my wedding, i invited my whole family and made sure
| they had a great time.
|
| A friend divorced a few years back it was not a big deal to
| talk about it and the why.
|
| Of course it can be messy but it probably depends on the people
| who married.
|
| For me it was emotional and a mental step. Does a couple miss
| out on a potential relevant emotional experience?
| irmullig wrote:
| Per Ms. Melinda French, she was uncomfortable with Mr. Gates'
| meeting with Jeffrey Epstein. Mr. Gates, Mr. Bezos, Mr.Facebook,
| and the rest of the world's richest men are not very moral
| people. These men are just a figment of capitalism. Do you really
| think Elon Musk cares about Poverty, Climate change. They all
| don't and they use women like parasites.
| sparker72678 wrote:
| > What can we learn? Undoubtedly, we need better marriages.
|
| Having recently gone through a divorce I didn't want, and
| subsequently spending a lot of time in therapy learning many
| skills I didn't know I even needed, I find myself surprised
| nearly every day by how incredibly unprepared I was for that
| relationship.
|
| I've learned more in the last six months about attachment,
| communication, and emotional management than I learned in my
| entire life before that.
|
| Furthermore, _none_ of the people in my social circle seem to
| have received any of this kind of instruction before, either.
| Nearly all are middle-upper to upper class with stable
| backgrounds. So, I don 't know who's getting any of this kind of
| info from their parents or peers or any non-professional setting.
|
| Learning all of this earlier in life might not have changed my
| particular outcome, but it sure would have made the intervening
| time better.
|
| [Edited for spelling]
| justwalt wrote:
| What skills are those, and do you know where I could read about
| them?
| sparker72678 wrote:
| I'd say start by researching attachment theory^1 and
| attachment styles.
|
| Here's the gist: Children need to form secure attachment
| bonds to their parents/caregivers at an early age. To the
| extent they don't get that, they form habits, assumptions,
| and adaptations to compensate. Those
| habits/assumptions/adaptations tend to persist (because we
| don't even realize we're doing them) and cause problems in
| close relationships in the future. By learning more about
| yourself you can start to see those patterns in your own
| behavior and learn to change them.
|
| Beyond that I've found many of the emotional regulation
| exercises that are a part of CBT to be very helpful.
|
| I've also found Enneagram to be very helpful in studying
| myself. It's not a particularly scientific framework, but it
| can be a helpful lens for identifying patterns of behavior,
| and realizing that other people are very different, with
| different assumptions, thoughts, and feelings, all of which
| are perfectly valid.
|
| 1: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory
| [deleted]
| aminozuur wrote:
| Interesting:
|
| "Children of divorced parents are on average unhappier, more
| anxious, and more likely to be depressed. They're also less
| likely to graduate from high school and college, typically make
| less money, and are more likely to ultimately get divorced
| themselves. But: The same is true of children whose parents
| stayed in a high-conflict marriage. Relationships that breed
| severe conflict can be as hard on children as breakups. Chaos is
| the culprit, not legal status."
| lurquer wrote:
| The quote is nonsense.
|
| The term "high-conflict marriage" is subjective. If one wanted
| to make the stats for the two sets of kids equivalent, it's
| trivial to do so by tweaking the definition of "high-conflict."
|
| It's also meaningless without some data regarding the number of
| "high-conflict marriages." To illustrate the absurdity, assume
| there is exactly 1 such marriage in the US; it would be silly
| to say, "the millions of kids of divorce are no better or worse
| than Mr. and Mrs. Jones two children!"
|
| The author's mention of this 'statistical' argument, in light
| of its vapidity, says more about the author than the topic.
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