[HN Gopher] Friends by Robin Dunbar review - how important are y...
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       Friends by Robin Dunbar review - how important are your pals?
        
       Author : Thevet
       Score  : 41 points
       Date   : 2021-03-08 15:59 UTC (1 days ago)
        
 (HTM) web link (www.theguardian.com)
 (TXT) w3m dump (www.theguardian.com)
        
       | motohagiography wrote:
       | I'm always skeptical of books and stories like these. If the
       | author wants to know why men don't share confidences, it's
       | because they are confidences. Mystery solved.
       | 
       | But friendships between men tend to be vulnerable. The challenge
       | in responding to criticisms of how we manage our friendships is
       | that it involves talking about how we relate to women, which is
       | fraught with taboos, and I don't think there is value in re-
       | litigating those.
       | 
       | To invest in solving the future problem of isolation in old age,
       | some years ago I joined a fraternal organization. The reason was
       | while I have a lot of activities and activity friends now, it was
       | an activity I could do independent of what my circumstances were.
       | I have found that what most men want in their lives is peace and
       | stability, so the thrills of gossip, politics, and witty brunch-
       | banter don't figure into how we relate. Tropes about locker room
       | talk are mostly myths, and what you really develop is high
       | confidence from learning how different - and similar - men's
       | experiences really are.
       | 
       | You could get the same kind of relationships by joining a hunt
       | camp, a hockey team, or something else where there is a
       | significant investment in a necessarily group activity, but what
       | you really learn is to set boundaries for yourself, which guys
       | test all the time, and it makes guys less emotionally needy to
       | their wives and partners. Anyway, organizations are what you make
       | them, so ymmv, but I can heartily recommend joining one as a
       | hedge against the issues described in the article.
        
         | GavinMcG wrote:
         | > which guys test all the time
         | 
         | Guys "testing" your boundaries all the time may be common, but
         | it's not the same as _respecting_ your boundaries. What it
         | teaches is a defensiveness and independence that shouldn 't be
         | necessary and isn't in itself all that healthy.
        
           | danbolt wrote:
           | The boundary-testing _so_ exhausting. I 've noticed it's much
           | more prevalent in some groups, and avoiding those
           | environments has benefited my mental health so much.
        
       | colmvp wrote:
       | I was just talking to a good friend of mine about how the
       | lockdown and Covid-19 really revealed the people who are friends
       | of convenience vs. the friends who will take the extra effort
       | (e.g. will go for walks, or join Zoom chats) no matter the cost.
        
       | ExcavateGrandMa wrote:
       | under zero not to be disappointed some day...
        
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       (page generated 2021-03-09 23:01 UTC)