[HN Gopher] Ask HN: Anyone know any funny programming jokes?
___________________________________________________________________
Ask HN: Anyone know any funny programming jokes?
Can be super esoteric or super generalized, I love it when I get
them, or when I just learn something new.
Author : arthurcolle
Score : 641 points
Date : 2021-01-20 19:24 UTC (1 days ago)
| [deleted]
| koonsolo wrote:
| The most geekiest joke ever:
|
| chown -R us ./base
|
| (probably for the old-timers among us ;))
| jkingsbery wrote:
| (To explain to others)
|
| So now All your base are belong to us
| (https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/all-your-base-are-belong-
| to-u...).
| pupdogg wrote:
| A: Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become
| wealthy?
|
| B: No
|
| A: Inheritance!
| cybaz wrote:
| A programmer walks into a bar and orders
| 1.00000000001000000...897175 root beers. The bartender says,
| "I'll have to charge you extra; that's a root beer float". And
| the programmer says, "In that case, make it a double".
| dlkf wrote:
| Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A:
| What you need is light. Why are you assuming the solution
| involves a lightbulb?
| jyriand wrote:
| Paraphrasing, can't remember the exact joke:
|
| Recruiter ask candidate developer: "So, why do you want to work
| in our office in Mexico?"
|
| "Because I want to be a senor developer"
| zem wrote:
| A byte tells his wife "Honey, I'm not feeling too well - I think
| I have a parity error".
|
| She replies "I thought you looked a bit off!"
| andrewchambers wrote:
| I don't understand why people find DNS so difficult, it's just
| cache invalidation and naming things.
|
| source: https://twitter.com/jdub/status/739110670562557952?s=20
| jdub wrote:
| Ah, I wondered why that tweet was going around again! :-)
|
| A little tribute to Phil Karlton's classic. And DNS.
| KMag wrote:
| For context, I presume most of you have heard the old old joke
| that the two hard problems of computer science are cache
| invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors. (Or the
| older joke that the two hard problems of computer science are
| cache invalidation and naming things.)
| unsigner wrote:
| Or that we only have one real joke, and it kinda sucks.
| nanomonkey wrote:
| >There are two hard problems in computer science: naming
|
| concurrency
|
| >things, cache invalidation, and off-by-one errors.
| FeepingCreature wrote:
| No "and async." Figures.
| King-Aaron wrote:
| php
| u801e wrote:
| Pound! Bang! Bin! Bash! Is this a shell script or a Batman comic?
| coder4life wrote:
| There's nothing funny about programming!
|
| Okay, that said... some showing my age jokes:
|
| Q: How can you tell COBOL programmer from other programmers? A:
| They're the ones with the stubby fingers
|
| Q: How is Halloween and Christmas the same? A: Because OCT 30 =
| DEC 25! (Octal, Decimal....groan)
|
| but don't listen to me, go to /r/ProgrammerHumor
|
| It's early and I haven't had enough coffee
| sova wrote:
| In Futurama, Bender has a nightmare in binary, "one's and zeros
| everywhere! ...and I think I saw a 2." Fry replies, "it was just
| a dream Bender, there's no such thing as 2"
|
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOn_ySghN2Y
| sytringy05 wrote:
| The problem with TCP jokes is that people keep retelling them
| slower until you get them
| andreareina wrote:
| Did
|
| Did you
|
| Did you hear
|
| Did you hear the
|
| Did you hear the one
|
| Did you hear the one about
|
| Did you hear the one about traceroute?
| notadev wrote:
| Why'd the programmer quit his job?
|
| He couldn't get arrays.
| jrmski wrote:
| I'd tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.
| dumb1224 wrote:
| No one mentions this one? too old?:
|
| Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, "Are you ill?" The second
| byte replies, "No, just feeling a bit off."
| [deleted]
| 1337shadow wrote:
| Computers are like air conditioner, useful if you close windows.
| jrmski wrote:
| I'd tell you an NP complete joke, but if you've heard one you've
| heard them all.
| Abimelex wrote:
| My favorite:
|
| =====================
|
| A Computer Programmer finds a frog by the side of the road.
|
| The frog says, "I am actually a Princess! If you kiss me, I'll
| revert back to my human form and be forever grateful?", the
| programmer smiles and puts the frog back in his pocket.
|
| Again, the frog says, "But I really am! I would even marry you if
| you kiss me and turn me back into a human!", the programmer
| chuckles and puts the frog away again.
|
| Ten minutes later, the frog says, "Look, if you kiss me, I'll
| have sex with you all day, every day. Deal?", the programmer
| laughs and puts the frog away again.
|
| He gets home, takes the now severely depressed frog out of his
| pocket and sets it down in an aquarium. The frog looks up at the
| coder and says, "What the fuck is wrong with you man? I offered
| to marry you, I offered to screw you, but STILL you won't turn me
| back into my human form."
|
| The programmer says, "I'm a programmer. I don't have time for
| relationships, or sex - but a talking frog? SO COOL!"
|
| =====================
|
| credits to:
| https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ylptx/a_computer_pr...
| elwell wrote:
| I thought the punchline was going to be, you know you're a
| programmer if you get hung up by the second sentence. How can
| he "[put] the frog *back* in his pocket." the first time after
| finding it by the road?
| effie wrote:
| Very funny!
| SilasX wrote:
| Reminds me of the joke about the talking dog at the flea market
| where the seller thinks he duped the buyer because "the dog is
| a liar".
|
| For the topic: the programming version of the joke would be
| where it's a disgruntled e.g. D-Wave employee selling a stolen
| "quantum computer" at a flea market that can demonstrably break
| RSA encryption, and he thinks he duped the buyer because "it's
| really just a fancy classical computer".
| perlgeek wrote:
| There are 10 kinds of programmers: those who know binary, and,
| uhm, nine others.
| cwperkins wrote:
| There are 2 hard problems in CS:
|
| - Cache invalidation
|
| - Naming things
|
| - Off-by-1 errors
| jrmski wrote:
| I'd tell you a buffer bloat joke, but you'd have to wait in line
| first.
| musicale wrote:
| Not really a joke but:
|
| Most problems in computing can be solved by adding an additional
| layer of abstraction or indirection
|
| ...except for problems resulting from too many layers of
| abstraction or indirection.
| oli5679 wrote:
| I really like the 'Jon Skeet facts' Stackoverflow page. It is
| Chuck Norris style facts about the legendary Stackoverflow answer
| contributor. Here is the top answer but I find many in the thread
| funny.
|
| - Jon Skeet is immutable. If something's going to change, it's
| going to have to be the rest of the universe.
|
| - Jon Skeet's addition operator doesn't commute; it teleports to
| where he needs it to be.
|
| - Anonymous methods and anonymous types are really all called Jon
| Skeet. They just don't like to boast.
|
| - Jon Skeet's code doesn't follow a coding convention. It is the
| coding convention.
|
| - Jon Skeet doesn't have performance bottlenecks. He just makes
| the universe wait its turn. - Jon Skeet is the only person who
| has ranked higher than Jon Skeet in the SO all-time rep league.
|
| - Users don't mark Jon Skeet's answers as accepted. The universe
| accepts them out of a sense of truth and justice
|
| https://meta.stackexchange.com/questions/9134/jon-skeet-fact...
| [deleted]
| bondolo wrote:
| I got a job as a software developer at a startup after several
| years of working as an IT drone. On my last day of work at my old
| job I got a text from the tech lead of the team I would be
| joining.
|
| "Come by after work to meet the team and have a few beers".
|
| I arrived around 7pm. There were quite a few people still around
| but to my surprise the tech lead who had hired me was packing up
| his desk into a box. I was kind of surprised but he seemed upbeat
| and glad to see me.
|
| "Yeah, sorry to be leaving before you officially join the team. I
| got a great offer I can't pass up. Friends got their A round
| funding and it is an equity opportunity. You'll do great though.
| One piece of advice though,"
|
| and he handed me three envelopes.
|
| "Four pieces actually. Piece zero, and I'll tell it to you now.
| When you run in to trouble blame me. After you've seen my code
| you'll probably think it is shit. Hell, you're smart, you
| probably think everybody else's code is shit."
|
| He continued "When you can't blame me anymore open the first
| envelope for the second piece of advice. You'll know when." and
| we went off to meet the team and have a beer.
|
| I officially started on Monday and it was going great for the
| first couple of months. Then a product manager started breathing
| down my neck why one of my features was late. I had been
| frustrated with how hard it was to add the feature to the
| existing code and I found myself blurting, "The problem is not
| with my code, it is all of the old code I am having to rewrite
| because it is so terrible". I realized I was using the old tech
| lead's first piece of advice. So I continued, "Man, the previous
| tech lead's code is absolute garbage. It is amazing the whole
| thing hasn't fallen apart already." Since everyone looked
| sympathetic I knew I had made a good move. For quite a long time
| I made sure I was working hard or at least look like I was
| working hard and occasionally grumbling about the shit I had to
| deal with.
|
| After a couple of months I was still producing at a good rate but
| I had now "rewritten" or at least claimed to have rewritten most
| of the bad code. I could not longer use that excuse. One Monday
| morning before the weekly sprint meeting I realized I was in a
| bind. I needed make sure that I had lots of work on my current
| assignment if I was going to avoid being assigned to a new
| project with "the customer from hell". I only had a few minutes
| before the meeting and after nervous peeing (twice) I still had
| no solution. I suddenly remember the envelopes. Digging through
| my messenger bag I found them and grabbed the first. While in the
| restroom for a third nervous pee I opened the envelope sitting in
| the stall. There was a card inside with one word "Refactor" and I
| had my solution.
|
| A few minutes later at the sprint meeting I revealed that all my
| work rewriting the bad code, boy that was a lot of work, had
| revealed amazing opportunities to refactor the architecture and
| put us on a lot better footing. It would take a lot of work but I
| knew what needed to be done and it would really pay off. This
| proposal got a number of cautious nods and after a short
| discussion it was decided that I would proceed with a major
| refactoring of the product architecture.
|
| A couple months later and my "refactor" was nearing completion.
| It did fix a few problems, the new APIs were more aligned with my
| personal preferences and I had gotten the chance to replace a few
| libraries with trendy ones that I wanted to get on my resume.
| Honestly though I felt like a fraud; my refactoring was just
| rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. I played out the
| ending stages of the refactoring but inevitably the time came
| when management was eager to use the new code in a product.
| Having no other option I agreed it was ready and that I was eager
| (not really) to see it shine in a product.
|
| The first product to use it would be with another team. After the
| first meeting it was clear that they were really sharp and they
| immediately pointed out some shortcomings of my APIs and design.
| After a bit more wrangling they agreed that my module could meet
| their needs as long as I was dedicated to supporting it and them.
| My management agreed and they were now my customer.
|
| Their product design proceeded and as they continued to get more
| experience with my module they kept finding new flaws in the API
| and bugs. I tried to fix them as quickly as possible but I was
| one person working to try to keep an entire team happy. I
| couldn't keep up. After a late night of bug fixing I was headed
| home exhausted in an Uber and wondering how I was going to be
| able to keep up. As I nearly drifted into sleep in the back seat
| I remembered the envelopes. I found the second envelope in my bag
| and opened it with the third solution, again one word.
| "Indirection".
|
| Meeting with my "customer" on Monday I explained the bandwidth
| problems I was having meeting all of their team's requirements. I
| explained that what would work best is if they built a local
| interface in their project which called my API. That way the
| interaction between their system and mine would be localized and
| they would only have to make changes in one place if my API had
| to change. They had seen that I was tapped out trying to support
| them and agreed that they could build a local API which meshed
| better with their system that simply called my module to do the
| actual work. It took them a while to disentangle their code from
| my module and build their interface. By the time they came back
| with a few bug reports against the version of my module they had
| been using I promised them that I had much improved version to
| use. Once a few bugs were resolved the systems were again
| integrated.
|
| They got closer to shipping their product and I kept getting bug
| reports from them that my library wasn't behaving correctly. I
| was forced to explain that the problems they described hadn't
| been there when they had integrated directly against my library--
| the problem must be in their local interface. Progress was being
| made towards shipping the product but there were still frequent
| mysterious problems.
|
| Meanwhile my management was pretty happy with how integration of
| my code was proceeding. My director had talked about it as a
| collaboration success story at an executive meeting. My team
| members, who I had little interaction with as I was supporting
| the other team, were also congratulatory though they didn't seem
| to be as believing that I deserved my apparent success. I was
| pretty sure it was going to be a disaster actually. So when a
| college buddy emailed me about a business plan he was writing I
| offered to help. A few days later they were talking about me
| being the "Software VP" for their startup. I wasn't sure but it
| would be a founder position with equity so I couldn't just say
| no. I was trying to figure out what to do when I got an email
| saying that the team building a product with my module was having
| real problems with their scaling tests. They had done some
| analysis and were certain the problem was with my module, they
| didn't have proof, but had some pretty compelling analysis and
| wanted to meet tomorrow. Gulp. Just then my manager came by,
| apparently not having read the memo yet and introduced me to a
| fresh young programmer who was joining the team. He introduced me
| as one of the team's stars and he should seek me out for
| mentoring. I politely agreed but had other things on my mind.
|
| Stewing in my cube without much clue how to fix the reported
| problems before the upcoming meeting I thought back to mentoring
| I had received and realized I had one more envelope.
|
| Opening the third envelope I discovered the fourth piece of
| advice. It was brilliant. I called my friend and told him I was
| "down" to be the software VP for their startup, contacted the new
| kid on our team slack inviting them to come by for an overview on
| my module. I then sat down wrote my resignation email and
| completed the fourth piece of advice, "Recursion."
| andredz wrote:
| Haha, I didn't imagine what the second envelope would contain,
| but I did imagine that it would end with a recursive situation.
| das_keyboard wrote:
| This one was recently on the HN front page:
|
| https://www.gnu.org/fun/jokes/users-lightbulb.en.html
|
| HN-Thread: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=25369929
| mcqueenjordan wrote:
| The only thing worse than a monorepo? Two monorepos.
| bcrosby95 wrote:
| Lots of UDP jokes, the variant I was told is:
|
| What is the best thing about telling a UDP joke? You don't care
| if anyone gets it.
| dragosmocrii wrote:
| Ah, "UDP humour" - story of my life
| eigenvalue wrote:
| Why do programmers confuse Christmas and Halloween? Because OCT
| 31 == DEC 25
| dotdi wrote:
| Knock knock.
|
| Race condition.
|
| Who's there?
| zxcvbn4038 wrote:
| The computer salesman was trying to convince the CEO to buy the
| horribly expensive mainframe.
|
| "It can answer _any_ question! Just try it! " The CEO thinks a
| minute, and asks "OK, what's my father doing right now?" The
| computer grinds away for awhile, and answers "Your father is
| fishing in Michigan." The CEO chortles to the salesman "Wrong! My
| father died five years ago!" The computer answers "Your mothers
| husband died five years ago. Your father just landed a 10 pound
| trout."
| fctorial wrote:
| MongoDB is webscale:
|
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2F-DItXtZs
| hinkley wrote:
| Too soon, man. Too soon.
| closeparen wrote:
| The medical profession's use of this format is also hilarious:
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rTsvb2ef5k
| krylon wrote:
| I almost messed my pants watching this! It's hilarious! Thanks!
| gramie wrote:
| What's the difference between an introverted programmer and an
| extroverted programmer?
|
| The extroverted programmer looks at _your_ shoes when he 's
| talking to you.
| sparks1970 wrote:
| Best one yet!
| gumby wrote:
| This is an oldie (I first heard it in the 80s) but is one of my
| all time favorites. While it can be told about any two classes of
| people it really applies to a lot of code I encounter:
| A physicist is showing a thermos to her friend, a programmer.
| "It's amazing", she said. "You put a cold drink inside and
| regardless of how hot it is outside the drink stays cold".
| The programmer is suitably impressed. "But that's not
| all", she continued. "You can put a *hot* drink inside and no
| matter how cold it is outside the drink stays hot".
| Now the programmer is perplexed. Plaintively he asks,
| "But how does it know?"
|
| I think of this whenever I read code that contains a gratuitous
| state variable that explains the type or content of some data
| structure rather than make the data structure self-explaining.
| Even more annoying when it's a class.
|
| Having to coordinate _two_ variables is a recipe for bugs down
| the road. Seems like it should be a beginner 's mistake but I see
| it all the time in "non beginner" code.
| kilnr wrote:
| Love the joke, but to me it points to something else than
| gratuitous state variables. I think of it as "if all you have
| is a hammer, everything looks like a nail", with the hammer
| being "procedurally solving problems".
| m463 wrote:
| Just the same, I wish make were a little more procedural.
| amingilani wrote:
| Could you share an example of this? I could be misinterpreting
| this but say you're building a survey system and you need to
| keep track of answer types (e.g. text, date, etc) and the
| answer itself, how can you collapse that into one field?
| novembermike wrote:
| In something like typescript you could represent this as a
| union type. If I'm expecting a location I could take a string
| ("Baghdad"), lat long pairs, an enum, etc. With a union type
| I can specify that it could be any of these but they fill the
| same purpose. In Java I'd either do method overloading or
| expect to receive an object that implements a method that
| would give the location in a common format. The wrong way to
| do it would be to have a function that has both a lat/long
| input and a string input and just say that they're nullable
| and we only expect to get one of them.
| gumby wrote:
| Your thermos does not have a switch which you must set to
| "hot" or "cold" before inserting a liquid, handles solids as
| well as liquids, and doesn't require you to even think where
| the theshold might lie between the "hot" and "cold" settings.
| Instead it just does its best to prevent an energy exchange
| in either direction without having to even know the variables
| involved. And the "same subroutine" is basically used for
| different sized thermoses.
|
| In code I see people not understand this all the time. Here's
| an example: let's say you present the user with their
| previous orders, and give them the option to filter those
| orders by some criterion.
|
| The shitty way to do this is to have two variables:
| Filter* orderFilter = NULL; bool filterSpecified =
| false; void setOrderFilter (filter* newFilter) {
| orderFilter = newFilter; filterSpecified = true;
| }
|
| So instead of just checking if a filter has been assigned,
| you have a separate boolean. What happens if the boolean is
| true but the filter is null? What would the vice versa case
| even mean?
|
| The global codebase is riddled with dumb errors like this.
| gfody wrote:
| this is the essence of Linus Torvald's doctrine of good
| taste
| wruza wrote:
| I deeply disagree!
|
| Our code is riddled with heavily overloaded meanings in a
| single value/domain, and if you have a variety of filters,
| you end up with this atrocity: Foo *f1; //
| hey, just test for NULL double f2; // hey, just use
| isnan() int f3; // aaaaah, crap bool
| f3_specified; // god why std::string f4;
| // requires heavy drugs to solve existential catastrophes
|
| Compare that to template <typename T>
| struct Filter { bool is_specified; T value;
| }; Filter<Foo *> f1; Filter<double> f2;
| Filter<int> f3; Filter<std::string> f4;
|
| And the variety of code that has to work with either of
| these examples.
|
| _What happens if the boolean is true but the filter is
| null?_
|
| An assertion fails miserably.
|
| _What would the vice versa case even mean?_
|
| That an assertion failed miserably.
|
| What happens if the filter is one? Minus one? Equals to
| PC(IP), BP? If NULL filter has to search for NULL values in
| a dataset? If we are looking for NAN values in a corrupted
| one (this one is even more tricky)?
|
| Deeply!
| gugagore wrote:
| I'm not sure they were suggesting using type-specific
| sentinel values (like null and nan), but to always use
| null or point to a value.
|
| I like wrapping the information in a data structure
| exactly as you suggested, and if you never mutate the
| dereferenced pointer, it's equivalent to what they
| proposed. Big if, though.
|
| The best is to do this generically with
| https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Option_type , since this
| pattern comes up regularly, not just with this one domain
| concept of "Filter"
| zbuf wrote:
| Even better, let's just have the default orderFilter be the
| equivalent of '*'.
|
| If there's always a filter, then there's no longer a branch
| at the point it's used -- that needs to be tested and
| maintained.
|
| I used to work with a programmer who I found difficult
| because their code was an ever-increasing number of "if"
| statements as each new case came along. Conversely he would
| say coding is relatively easy and that I was
| overcomplicating a problem by thinking about it; all I
| needed to do is "add an if statement here".
| elwell wrote:
| I think this is one of the areas that functional
| programming naturally steers the programmer in the right
| direction.
| nicoburns wrote:
| Yep! On of the things I point out most frequently in code
| reviews are things like this. However, null is an imperfect
| system for capturing such state. It's not self-documenting,
| and it breaks down when you have more than 2 states to
| represent.
|
| Languages with Sum Types represent this much more elegantly
| with arbitrary numbers of variants and force you to check
| which one you have before accessing the more specific data
| (e.g. the filter) inside.
| yongjik wrote:
| 100% agree - it's a quite common trap for inexperienced
| developers to write down every cases and conditions
| separately, when they shouldn't. As a similar example,
| instead of writing "req.source = host + port", people would
| write: if (host == "load-
| balancer-1.internal.dns") { req.source =
| HOSTS::LOAD_BALANCER_1; req.source +=
| PORT_MAPPING[HOSTS::LOAD_BALANCER_1]; }
| else if (host == "load-balancer-2.internal.dns") {
| // repeat }
|
| After a few quarters of services, layers, and people being
| added and removed, it becomes a 500-line monstrosity and
| sits in every critical path. And because now it's a
| 500-line class (half of which is defunct, but good luck
| figuring out which half), nobody has time to read through
| it and figure out that it should have been a single
| assignment statement.
| foota wrote:
| Another way of expressing this concept is to "make invalid
| states unrepresentable"
| User23 wrote:
| Dijkstra's EWDs are full of examples of thinking about
| problems mathematically instead of operationally and then
| deriving elegant procedures.
| alanbernstein wrote:
| Do you have any examples to point to?
| roelschroeven wrote:
| Having the two separated gives the ability to disable/re-
| enable the filter without losing it. That's often very
| useful. In other cases you're very right.
| diarrhea wrote:
| Then you'd go with `filter_enabled` or similar, which is
| an entirely different, separate flag. It is not coupled
| to what the filter itself looks like.
| numlocked wrote:
| I think they are referring to this sort of thing (the reader
| will have to use their imagination and assume there is
| additional functionality in this class):
| class ReadingMaterial: is_magazine = False
| def is_periodical(): return is_magazine
|
| Using a base class (e.g. a Magazine and a Book class, or
| something) and inheritance, is much clearer than monkeying
| around with state.
| layoutIfNeeded wrote:
| In graphics programming the typical example of this pattern
| would be when someone does bespoke computations on
| coordinates with a bunch of if-elses instead of deriving the
| proper matrix equation that "just works" due to math.
| winrid wrote:
| You have an Answer object that probably contains a type enum.
|
| However, you don't need to name all variables "answerObject".
| knodi123 wrote:
| But How Do It Know? Basic Principles of Computers for Everyone
|
| https://smile.amazon.com/But-How-Know-Principles-Computers/d...
| hedberg10 wrote:
| Thank you, that was where I remembered that sentence from..
| Great book!
| randcraw wrote:
| I first heard this joke at an AI conference...
|
| "An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and an AI
| researcher were asked to name the greatest invention of all
| time.
|
| The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
| The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power
| over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave
| humanity power over symbols. The AI researcher chose the
| thermos bottle.
|
| "Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked. "Because the thermos
| keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in
| summer.", said the AI researcher. "Yes - so what?" "Think about
| it.", intoned the researcher reverently. "That little bottle -
| how does it know?"
| dmingod666 wrote:
| 0 if the bottle is empty.
|
| 1 if its hot.
|
| -1 when its cold :D
| ljm wrote:
| FileNotFound if it's none of those
| mrob wrote:
| As reported in the famous Daily WTF post:
|
| https://thedailywtf.com/articles/What_Is_Truth_0x3f_
| the_gipsy wrote:
| Ah yes the triple-boolean
| rzzzt wrote:
| A ternary logic computer to go with it:
| https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Setun
| sethammons wrote:
| Reminds me of our five value boolean we used to have:
| is_deleted. Woe to person who expected that to be 1 or 0.
| Five distinct and overloaded values were possible, though I
| now forget them. Probably something like pending, fully
| deleted, being restored, not deleted, and restored.
| dmingod666 wrote:
| like linux app return codes.
| triceratops wrote:
| Sometimes when I'm writing JavaScript I feel like throwing my
| hands up and saying "This is bullshit!" But I never know what
| "this" refers to.
| codehd7 wrote:
| Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A:
| Zero; it's a hardware problem.
| jacobobryant wrote:
| Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A: Programmers don't change light bulbs; that's a hardware
| problem.
| jonathankoren wrote:
| Q: How many Google engineers does it take to change a light
| bulb?
|
| A: None. They just change the standard to dark.
|
| ----------
|
| Originally (circa 1998) this was Microsoft joke, but this is a
| good update.
| BugWatch wrote:
| Alternative Answer: None, they'll just google-graveyard the
| electricity service.
| EliasY wrote:
| Q: How many prolog programmers does it take to change a light
| bulb?
|
| A: No.
| fuzzfactor wrote:
| Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light
| bulb?
|
| A: None. We'll fix it in software.
|
| Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light
| bulb?
|
| A: None. The application can work around it.
|
| Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light
| bulb?
|
| A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
|
| Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| A: None. The user can figure it out.
| SilasX wrote:
| Q: How many Haskell programmers does it take to change a light
| bulb?
|
| A: Irrelevant, that's a side effect.
| jacobkranz wrote:
| The two hardest problems a programmer faces:
|
| 1) what to name your variables
|
| 2) cache invalidation errors
|
| 3) off-by-one errors
| nl wrote:
| > 1) what to name your variables
|
| The canonical version of this is "naming things". It's more
| general than just variable names as anyone who has dealt with a
| thingAbstractFactoryFactory or the problem of generating unique
| names in a distributed environment will attest.
| mayoff wrote:
| What's it like to have sex with a programmer? Nobody knows. They
| just sit on the edge of the bed telling you how great it's going
| to be.
| invalidOrTaken wrote:
| underrated
| deelly wrote:
| is this joke originally about politic?
| probinso wrote:
| !1
| kiliantics wrote:
| I'm a big fan of the "Ed is the standard text editor." joke
| godmode2019 wrote:
| The economy turns bad and a programmer has to become a hammer
| hand to pay his rent. The builders are working on a new house,
| how do you tell them apart?
| thedanbob wrote:
| XML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you're
| not using enough of it.
| throwawybillion wrote:
| Or: it's never the answer
| TimSchumann wrote:
| Seems expedient at the time but always comes back to haunt
| you.
| cheezeburger wrote:
| I have a UDP joke but I'm not sure you'd get it.
| vz8 wrote:
| git pull: open source skeet shooting
| mpls wrote:
| I've been working on getting our Java code running on Windows.
| It's going alright, but I had to shut off the garbage collector
| altogether - whenever it runs, all of our JARs end up in the
| Recycle Bin.
| deelly wrote:
| Oh, thats a new one, and about Java and actually funny!
| moo2121 wrote:
| Trump
| byteface wrote:
| 2 that make me chuckle...
|
| If you ask a programmer, 'Do you want tea or coffee?' he will
| reply 'yes'.
|
| and
|
| q: What's Benoit B. Mandelbrot's middle name? a: Benoit B.
| Mandelbrot
| robertbalent wrote:
| Why do Java programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.
| shakezula wrote:
| My favorite programming joke goes something like
|
| TCP in the streets UDP in the sheets
| motohagiography wrote:
| "Simple, it's a monoid in the category of endofunctors."
| throwaway_dcnt wrote:
| This isn't exactly a programming joke but considering how many of
| us physics majors become programmers, I think it works:
|
| Heisenberg, Shrodinger and Ohm were driving down a highway when
| they get pulled over by a cop. The cop asks Heisenberg if he knew
| how fast he was going, as you can surmise, he claimed he didn't
| know because he knew exactly where they were. The cop, finding
| this suspicious (and because this is not USA and 4th amendment
| does not apply) decides to search the car. He comes back to the
| front and asks them why they have a dead cat in the trunk,
| Shrodinger responds, "because you opened the trunk you fool!!".
| The cop is now irritated and promptly moves to arrest all three.
| Ohm, resisted.
| kchr wrote:
| Best one so far!
| VintageCool wrote:
| My preferred version:
|
| Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving down the road when they
| hit a bump.
|
| Schrodinger says: I think you ran over a cat!
|
| Heisenberg: Is the cat dead?
|
| Schrodinger: I can't be certain.
| moo2121 wrote:
| Trump is the biggest joke ever in the history of this country.
| [deleted]
| jdeisenberg wrote:
| In Europe, the surname of Niklaus Wirth (inventor of the Pascal
| programming language) is pronounced "veert"; in the United
| States, it's pronounced "worth."
|
| Thus, in Europe, he's called by name; in the US he's called by
| value.
| wnoise wrote:
| The meaner version explicitly says Niklaus, and Nickle's as
| well.
| andrewaylett wrote:
| This was the original:
|
| Whereas Europeans generally pronounce his name the right way
| ('Nick-louse Veert'), Americans invariably mangle it into
| 'Nickel's Worth.' This is to say that Europeans call him by
| name, but Americans call him by value.
|
| - Introduction by Adriaan van Wijngaarden at the IFIP
| Congress (1965).
| (https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Niklaus_Wirth)
| michalc wrote:
| My favourite:
|
| "What do we want?"
|
| "Now!"
|
| "When do we want it?"
|
| "Fewer race conditions!"
| swills wrote:
| What do we want?
|
| Time Travel!
|
| When do we want it?
|
| Doesn't matter!
| dang wrote:
| Besides being a great joke, it explains the concept perfectly.
| quickthrower2 wrote:
| For time travelling race conditions yes!
| sudeepj wrote:
| This actually is very clever!
| breck wrote:
| A perfect function has zero params, a great function has one
| param, and a buggy function
| erik_seaberg wrote:
| It's bigger than a joke but pretty funny:
| http://www.stilldrinking.org/programming-sucks
|
| Money quote: "Also, the bridge was designed as a suspension
| bridge, but nobody actually knew how to build a suspension
| bridge, so they got halfway through it and then just added extra
| support columns to keep the thing standing, but they left the
| suspension cables because they're still sort of holding up parts
| of the bridge[...] Would you drive across this bridge? No. If it
| somehow got built, everybody involved would be executed."
| ajxs wrote:
| (Not my joke)
|
| At a recent real-time Java conference, the participants were
| given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an
| airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been
| responsible for the flight control software, how many of you
| would disembark immediately?" Among the forest of raised hands
| only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he
| replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his
| team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as
| far as the runway, let alone take off.
| dharmab wrote:
| This is a joke, but this was a literal chat conversation that
| happened between Boeing engineers in regards for the 737 MAX 8.
|
| https://www.nytimes.com/2020/01/09/business/boeing-737-messa...
| 2rsf wrote:
| I thought that 'real-time Java' was the joke
| minikomi wrote:
| I thought the punchline was going to be about waiting for
| garbage collection to finish
| young_unixer wrote:
| If Java had true garbage collection, it would collect itself.
| drran wrote:
| Java is written in C, so it cannot.
| mirekrusin wrote:
| Truffle went meta and they have java in java now, which
| gives some nice things.
| Xcelerate wrote:
| It wasn't until I started working with some of the top software
| engineers in the industry that I became afraid of flying.
| moontear wrote:
| If the plane were my machine there would be no danger.
| globular-toast wrote:
| Reminds me of Arthur C. Clarke's first published short story
| _Travel by Wire!_
| bmgxyz wrote:
| I know this joke, but in the version I've heard it's mechanical
| engineering students instead of programmers, their professors
| instead of conference participants, and the aircraft itself
| instead of the flight control software.
|
| But the structure is the same.
| Negitivefrags wrote:
| Einstein repeatedly argued that there must be simplified
| explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or
| arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.
| ch3ckmat3 wrote:
| 3 DBAs walk into a NoSQL bar. A little while later they walk out
| because they couldn't find a table.
| lukewrites wrote:
| What's the angriest part of a computer?
|
| The cursor.
| ArchieMaclean wrote:
| Programmer: I'm going out for a walk.
|
| Programmer's partner: While you're out, could you buy some milk?
|
| And the programmer never returned.
| MattyRad wrote:
| Everything in https://programmerryangosling.tumblr.com/ is good
| for a chuckle
| hackerbob wrote:
| Why did the programmer leave the restaurant?
|
| He didn't like the table layout.
| [deleted]
| tsimionescu wrote:
| There's an old Joel on Software one related to string
| concatenation:
|
| Shlemiel gets a job as a street painter, painting the dotted
| lines down the middle of the road. On the first day he takes a
| can of paint out to the road and finishes 300 yards of the road.
| "That's pretty good!" says his boss, "you're a fast worker!" and
| pays him a kopeck.
|
| The next day Shlemiel only gets 150 yards done. "Well, that's not
| nearly as good as yesterday, but you're still a fast worker. 150
| yards is respectable," and pays him a kopeck.
|
| The next day Shlemiel paints 30 yards of the road. "Only 30!"
| shouts his boss. "That's unacceptable! On the first day you did
| ten times that much work! What's going on?" "I can't help it,"
| says Shlemiel. "Every day I get farther and farther away from the
| paint can!"
| ifdefdebug wrote:
| Nice plot twist. I thought this one was going to be about
| optimizing the work that has to be done for one kopeck.
| marcosdumay wrote:
| There's something about strcat there somewhere.
| kieckerjan wrote:
| Now this would be funny if it did not bring up painful
| memories. :-)
| grandchild wrote:
| This could be a metaphor for how a greenfield project turns
| into a tiresome upkeep effort, after the initial creativity
| gets further and further buried under the maintenance strain.
| invalidOrTaken wrote:
| The other day I was asking my data scientist brother if you run
| into this problem training DNN's (anyone: do you?), and ended
| up telling this one!
| lordgrenville wrote:
| IIUC you generally train on a sliding window of most recent
| data. That or just keep adding GPUs...
| alanbernstein wrote:
| Every day I get farther from the GPU shop!
| [deleted]
| methyl wrote:
| This also applies to pagination based on offset/limit
| christophilus wrote:
| SCRUM
| hirundo wrote:
| I bought a giant bottle of shampoo at Costco and it almost killed
| me by hypothermia. I started the shower then made the mistake of
| reading the instructions. It said lather, rinse, repeat.
| h3mb3 wrote:
| A PM and an engineer walk into a meeting room to discuss why the
| feature request cannot be implemented with their microservice
| architecture:
|
| https://youtu.be/y8OnoxKotPQ
| whalesalad wrote:
| bash.org
| tilolebo wrote:
| A programmer had a problem. He thought to himself: "I know, I'll
| solve this with threads!"
|
| has Now problems. two he
| CGamesPlay wrote:
| This one always bugs me because it says "two" but this output
| couldn't be produced with fewer than 3 threads.
| axaxs wrote:
| Fair point if you read it literally and assume each thread is
| a problem. But I assume, as it's a variation of the regex
| joke, 'using threads' is seen as a singular thing. Perhaps it
| should say 'threading?'
| imglorp wrote:
| Then he thought he'd use Java. Now he has a ProblemFactory.
| spacemanmatt wrote:
| This is funny because no one uses the factory pattern in
| other languages
| isoprophlex wrote:
| You'd be surprised to see how many WhateverFactory classes
| there are in the current python project I'm working on...
| sigh.
| number6 wrote:
| Using FactoryBoy for testing?
| marcosdumay wrote:
| Well, to a first approximation, no, nobody uses the factory
| pattern in other languages.
|
| Once in a long while you see one in C# or C++. But the
| people making fun of Java aren't comparing it with C# and
| C++.
| marco_craveiro wrote:
| Reminds me of the old FactoryFactoryFactory joke [1]
|
| [1] https://gist.github.com/nkbt/4691b1ae3e78a6141aea
| imglorp wrote:
| > "This thing comes with documentation, right?"
|
| This is the most painful part for me. If you're trying to
| understand some code written in Gratuitous Object
| Astronautics style, it's almost universally assumed
| you're fully aware of why the product contains hammer
| factory factory factories, how factories work, and how
| get an actual hammer to swing.
|
| The Gratuitous Object Astronautics culture is so
| accustomed to all the nonfunctional boilerplate that
| skilled, self-gratifying, astronauts never need to
| document their cleverness. This leaves casual tourists in
| the dark, which is a problem in any organization.
| sheikheddy wrote:
| Sadly I've seen it used in Scala
| cupofcoffee wrote:
| lmfao
| oars wrote:
| Best one.
| DarkWiiPlayer wrote:
| Fuck threadsing
| wglb wrote:
| (Maybe more of a math joke)
|
| There are aleph null bottles of beer on the wall, take one down,
| pass it around, aleph null bottles of beer on the wall.
| patal wrote:
| Q: What's the difference between Ant and Maven?
|
| A: The creator of Ant has apologized.
|
| (https://twitter.com/technomancy/status/10994115673)
| hooby wrote:
| "God is real!" "Unless declared integer."
| bitxbitxbitcoin wrote:
| Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?
|
| Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke.
|
| OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke.
|
| OK, I'll hear a TCP joke.
|
| Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?
|
| Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke.
|
| OK, I'm about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it
| has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a
| punchline.
|
| OK, I'm ready to hear the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has
| two characters, does not have a setting and will end with a
| punchline.
|
| I'm sorry, your connection has timed out...
|
| Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?
|
| (Credits to whoever first came up with this.)
| teraflop wrote:
| "HEY, DOES ANYBODY KNOW A GOOD ARP JOKE?"
| melenaos wrote:
| I would say UTP joke but i am not sure if anyone catch it.
| sidpatil wrote:
| You've got a twisted sense of humor.
| chrisshroba wrote:
| Would you like to hear a UDP jo
| linsomniac wrote:
| Whereas Europeans generally pronounce his name the right way
| ('Nick-louse Veert'), Americans invariably mangle it into
| 'Nickel's Worth.' This is to say that Europeans call him by name,
| but Americans call him by value.
| oli5679 wrote:
| Some people, when confronted with a problem, think "I know, I'll
| use regular expressions." Now they have two problems.
| gdubs wrote:
| The two hardest things in computer science are cache
| invalidation, naming things, and off by one errors.
| forgotmypw17 wrote:
| Q: Why does the sun always rise east in the morning and set west
| in the evening?
|
| A: Just leave it alone and don't mess with it.
| th0ma5 wrote:
| OMG hahahahahah thanks for this one
| mistersquid wrote:
| One of my all time favorites. Can't remember where I first read
| it (Quora?), but it's currently my top Google hit for "balloon
| programmer project manager joke". [0]
|
| ============
|
| A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He
| reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon
| further and shouts:
|
| "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend. I would meet
| him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
|
| The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering
| approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42
| degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West
| longitude."
|
| "You must be a programmer," says the balloonist.
|
| "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
|
| "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
| technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
| information, and the fact is I am still lost."
|
| The man below says, "You must be a project manager"
|
| "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
|
| "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you
| are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to
| keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you
| are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now
| it is somehow my fault."
|
| [0]
| https://www.reddit.com/r/ProgrammerHumor/comments/2rn8qx/i_h...
| tsoukase wrote:
| I also enjoy a similar one where instead of the programmer
| stands a statistician and instead of project manager a
| principal investigator. Source:
| https://stats.stackexchange.com/a/12745
| hutzlibu wrote:
| Thats a rehash of an old joke:
|
| I know it soviet style:
|
| A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist are flying in a
| air balloon and are lost.
|
| They encounter a man walking below:
|
| The biologist asks him: "do you know, where we are?"
|
| "..." the man looks up and says nothing
|
| The physicist ask him: "can you please tell us, where we are!"
|
| "..." after a while the man says: "in a balloon".
|
| The mathematician remarks, ah, he must be a philosopher. The
| others: "how do you know?"
|
| "Well, for once he needed a lot of time to answer. Then his
| answer is correct with our objective reality. And lastly, his
| answer is completely useless to us."
|
| (in eastern soviet republics, philosophy was not in high
| regards, because the peoples governments were supposed to be
| philosophical (a la Marx) government, with in theory, very high
| standards)
| plasticchris wrote:
| I heard this one but it's a mathematician and a physicist in
| the balloon, and the physicist says the person must be a
| mathematician. As told by a math professor...
| lb1lf wrote:
| A Soviet engineer needs some plumbing done in his apartment,
| and calls for a plumber. The plumber arrives, does his thing,
| and hands over the bill.
|
| The engineer is shocked. -'What, this is like a quarter of
| what I make in a month - for half an hour's work???'
|
| Plumber shrugs. -'Well, why don't you come join us? Easy
| work, well paid, no responsibility - just remember to keep
| mum about your degree, as we're not supposed to hire
| academics.'
|
| Our engineer contemplates this for a while, applies for a job
| as a plumber - and gets it.
|
| All is well, good money, no responsibilites - until
| management requires that they take evening school classes to
| gain new skills and thus better build socialism. So,
| grudgingly, our engineer enrolls in a math class and, upon
| arriving, finds that the teacher wants to establish what the
| plumbers already know.
|
| -'You over there - could you please come to the blackboard
| and show us the formula for the area of a circle?' he asks
| our engineer.
|
| Standing at the blackboard, he suddenly realizes he can't for
| the life of him remember the formula; while a bit rusty, he
| soon figures out how to reason it out - furiously writing out
| integrals on the blackboard, only to find the area of a
| circle is -(pi)*r^2.
|
| Minus? How did a negative enter into it, he thinks, going
| over his calculations once again. No, still gets the same
| result. Sweat building, he turns away from the blackboard for
| a moment, turning to the other plumbers watching.
|
| As in one voice, they all whisper -'Comrade, you must switch
| the limits to the integral!'
| smlckz wrote:
| I think the integral is 4 * integrate
| sqrt(r^2 - x^2) w.r.t. x from x=0 to x=r
|
| which is from the equation of circle with radius r centered
| at the origin: x^2 + y^2 = r^2
| => y = sqrt(r^2 - x^2)
|
| any other way achieve the same using integration?
| sriku wrote:
| \int_0^2p{(1/2)r^2dth}
|
| Value inside the integral is area of thin triangle of
| height r and base rdth.
| benibela wrote:
| American version from below:
|
| The "you learn limits in like, 9th grade" comment reminds
| me of this one:
|
| Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the
| second that the average person knows very little about
| basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims
| that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.
| The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in
| his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells
| her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned,
| he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has
| to do is answer one third x cubed.
|
| She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"?
|
| He repeats "one third x cubed".
|
| She says, "one thir dex cuebd"?
|
| Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off
| mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd...".
|
| The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to
| prove his point, that most people do know something about
| basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an
| integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man
| calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x
| squared?".
|
| The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking
| away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a
| constant!"
| baud147258 wrote:
| I think I had already heard that one from a math teacher
| stevage wrote:
| I don't quite get the punchline. I understand how if you
| integrate in the wrong direction you get a negative area,
| but is there a double meaning here?
| lb1lf wrote:
| -The idea is that all the plumbers are academics looking
| for the easy life. :)
| ayepif wrote:
| They're all former academics/mathematicians!
| infomax wrote:
| They are all engineers in disguise.
| shard wrote:
| I believe the implication is that all the plumbers are
| advanced degree holders, not just the engineer.
| StavrosK wrote:
| The limits are the shackles of oppression, the integral
| is the proletariat and switching is disavowing capitalism
| and seizing the means of production.
| gmfawcett wrote:
| I shall never look at calculus the same way again. :)
| Thank you, comrade!
| mst wrote:
| That was completely unhelpful but also hilarious.
|
| As such, a perfect russian joke.
| StavrosK wrote:
| Thank you, that's what I was going for!
| zoom6628 wrote:
| Brilliant !
| the_gipsy wrote:
| Caught me off-guard :D
| MaxBarraclough wrote:
| I'm reminded of a joke I heard from a talk by the philosopher
| Dan Dennett:
|
| A philosopher takes his friend to a magic show. After the
| usual business of vanishing a few small mammals, the
| magician's assistant lies in a magic box, and the magician,
| with a dramatic flair, begins to saw through the box.
|
| The philosopher's friend leans over and asks _What do you
| think is really going on?_ The philosopher gives it a moment
| 's thought and replies _They 're using illusionist skills to
| give us the impression that he's sawing someone in two, but
| really he isn't._ The philosopher's friend, unsatisfied, asks
| _Right, but how?_ The philosopher shrugs dismissively, _That
| 's really not my department._
| NoOneNew wrote:
| A. Good joke.
|
| B. I hate how applicable this joke is to my life. Except
| I'm the friend asking, then has to figure all the shit out
| because all the people around me with degrees cant tell the
| difference between their ass and a hole in the ground.
| benibela wrote:
| Could change it like that:
|
| A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist are flying in a
| air balloon and are lost.
|
| They encounter a man walking below:
|
| The biologist asks him: "do you know, where we are?"
|
| "..." the man looks up and says nothing
|
| The physicist ask him: "can you please tell us, where we
| are!"
|
| "..." after a while the man says: "yes".
|
| The mathematician remarks, ah, he must be a logician. The
| others: "how do you know?"
|
| "Well, for once he needed a lot of time to answer. Then his
| answer is logically correct. And lastly, his answer is
| completely useless to us."
| pretzelhands wrote:
| Just for fun I checked where that position would be on world
| map. Turns out it's in the Atlantic, quite a bit off the east
| coast of the US.
| mrmonkeyman wrote:
| It is telling developers choose a methaphor in which they
| position themselves at height, lowering themselves to establish
| communication with any rabble they encounter.
|
| (Arrogant? Moi?)
| yeuxardents wrote:
| I sent this to a project manager once, and they didnt
| understand nor appreciate it.
| ssss11 wrote:
| I'm a project manager and find it hilarious! But i've also
| been technical.
| drno123 wrote:
| So you are not "project manager", but "competent project
| manager", which is something completely different :)
| uncledave wrote:
| I've never met one of them in the wild. A rare thing
| indeed.
| cornel_io wrote:
| They're actually more common than engineers with
| understanding of project management or the concerns that
| they quite reasonably have. And they're way more valuable
| than a zug-zug eng.
|
| I say this as a pure engineer who has been a lead many
| times but never a PM.
| cantsingh wrote:
| They must be a project manager.
| faeyanpiraat wrote:
| This is the comment that made me laugh, well done!
| yeuxardents wrote:
| I, perhaps appropriately, improperly calculated their
| threshold for humor.
| mkarliner wrote:
| No, he did't deliver the joke fast enough.
| oumua_don17 wrote:
| And neither did he create a jira story for delivering the
| joke in the sprint!!!
| Cthulhu_ wrote:
| Project managers wouldn't read the story anyway, they
| cough up the headline and maybe a few lines of text and
| expect the team to fill in the blanks during multiple
| refinement meetings.
| KrishMunot wrote:
| I bet a product manager would be more kind
| codetrotter wrote:
| A similar joke I heard recently:
|
| A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical
| malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
| navigation and communications equipment.
|
| Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the
| helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport.
|
| The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a
| handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The
| pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
|
| People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft,
| drew a large sign and held it in a building window.
|
| Their sign read: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
|
| The pilot smiled, waved, looked at her map, determined the
| course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
|
| After they were on the ground, one of the passengers asked the
| pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine
| their position.
|
| The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft
| building because, the response they gave me was technically
| correct, but completely useless."
| bryanrasmussen wrote:
| A helicopter was flying around above Seattle...malfunction
| disabled... aircraft's electronic navigation and
| communications equipment...
|
| ....The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled,
| drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's
| window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
|
| People in the tall building quickly responded to the
| aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window.
|
| The Sign was a stylized picture of the helicopter they were
| in, with a BIG red arrow pointing towards the pilot's window
| where a small cartoon pilot held up a sign saying 'WHERE AM
| I" in a hand-rendered Helvetica font.
|
| The pilot smiled...yadda yadda yadda..
|
| After they were on the ground, one of the passengers asked...
|
| The Pilot responded "Tableau Software"
| bryanrasmussen wrote:
| I have to note that this pilot is always getting into
| technical problems, and seems to know all the software
| companies in Seattle and how they are likely to respond -
| conclusion - the helicopter pilot is a project manager.
| Netcob wrote:
| Dave's Garage has some good stories!
| codetrotter wrote:
| That's where I heard it :)
| robbrown451 wrote:
| The joke above is a play on the older joke you told.
| ehou wrote:
| O the irony of down votes on a meta joke
| jefurii wrote:
| That's funny!
| tppiotrowski wrote:
| I believe the original form of this joke goes like this:
|
| Lost man in a balloon yells down at a man on the ground
| "Where am I?"
|
| The man on the ground responds, "You're in a balloon"
|
| The man in the balloon says "You must be a mathematician".
|
| "Why?" asks the man on the ground.
|
| "Because your answer is absolutely right and absolutely
| useless"
| tensility wrote:
| This joke must have been written by a journalist who's never
| been to Microsoft and doesn't bother to fact check their
| work, since the Microsoft campus is in Redmond and the
| tallest buildings there are only six stories high.
| HeavyStorm wrote:
| Thanks, that was annoying me.
| kube-system wrote:
| You must be a programmer.
| kevincox wrote:
| Or they didn't think it mattered if the facts are correct
| because it is a joke.
| jchw wrote:
| Well, I can at least tell for sure that I'm on Hacker News,
| now. :)
| mbrevda1 wrote:
| That's technically correct, but ultimately useless,
| information
| kasztelan22 wrote:
| All information is useless until it's useful
| SilasX wrote:
| But then that becomes a paradox because the fact that the
| statement is useless makes it useful.
| benjaminsuch wrote:
| As much as I like the joke and of course understand the
| analogy, I don't see how, from this conversation, the
| programmer comes to the conclusion that he has to solve the
| managers problem. The manager just asked, the programmer gave a
| technical correct answer and the manager replied that it
| doesn't help him. But at no point was the programmer expected
| to solve the managers problem nor has he blamed him so that
| it's "his fault".
| wruza wrote:
| I think it plays around a common case of a manager saving
| their ass in front of superiors by shouldering the blame on
| an unsuspicious employee ("what were you doing all these
| months, what's the state of the project, and how are you
| planning to deliver?"). With time the latter becomes
| experienced enough to not take the blame, and detects these
| attempts easily, because it is always happen to be "their"
| fault.
|
| (Sorry if that was obvious and you meant something else.)
| prepend wrote:
| PM gave a jerk response denigrating the programmers attempt
| to help.
| bryanrasmussen wrote:
| A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.
| He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the
| balloon further and shouts:
|
| "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend. I would meet
| him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.
|
| The man below produces a small object the shape of a teardrop
| colored a pleasing grayish blue that he proceeds to hold above
| his head in an inverted manner and then with a courtly, elegant
| bow indicates the ground the bottom of the teardrop is pointing
| at.
|
| The man in the balloon flies off again, exclaiming under his
| breath "damn designers"
| bryanrasmussen wrote:
| It sounds like they're in the middle of the Atlantic? Have I
| got it wrong, I must have because the programmer is supposed to
| be standing in a field.
|
| Wait - are they dead and in heaven!?!
| he0001 wrote:
| You must be a programmer. Those who actually checks the
| requirements.
| fuzzer37 wrote:
| Sounds more like a pedantic QA
| ant6n wrote:
| Maybe a bug in a joke, perhaps the coordinates need fixing.
| bryanrasmussen wrote:
| This would never have happened if the joke had been made by
| one of those 10X Comedians.
| ralusek wrote:
| I think without actually getting into the 10x debate
| regarding engineers, we can all agree that there are
| definitely 10x comedians.
| sokoloff wrote:
| Analogous to programming, the average joke-teller just
| isn't that funny, making 10x more achievable.
|
| "Think of a comedian." There probably isn't a 10x _that_
| comedian for you.
|
| "Find the first person to tell you a joke live next week;
| considering them as a proxy for average, there is almost
| surely a 10x comedian out there."
| kcartlidge wrote:
| - Milton Jones
|
| - James Acaster
| ralusek wrote:
| Kevin Hart, Sarah Silverman, Bert Kreischer - 1x
|
| Tom Segura, Ali Wong, Nikki Glaser, Bill Burr, Mark
| Normand, Andrew Santino - 5x
|
| Dave Chappelle, John Mulaney, Louis CK - 10x
| sokoloff wrote:
| Which was the _first_ comedian you named in response to
| the question? Was it Kevin, Sarah, or Bert?
|
| My hypothesis is there's a massive spread in performance
| in comics, in programmers, and in most fields that are
| substantially creative and when people argue "there is no
| 10x <foo>" that it's more like because their reference
| frame is higher than mine.
| dagw wrote:
| _There probably isn't a 10x that comedian for you._
|
| To me the difference in 'funniness' between a random
| standup special (even one that is 'good' enough to get a
| distribution deal) and for example some of Eddie Izzard's
| best is easily 1000x.
|
| But of course my least favorite stand up special is also
| literally the funniest thing someone else has ever seen.
| So maybe it washed out in aggregate.
| prepend wrote:
| The programmer is messing with the PM.
| bryanrasmussen wrote:
| I think maybe the programmer has forgotten to replace the
| mock data with a real data feed and he tells everyone who
| asks the same incorrect latitude and longitude no matter
| where they are.
| [deleted]
| cstuder wrote:
| "And you got there by a bunch of hot air."
| verdverm wrote:
| There are only two problems in programming...
|
| Naming things, cache eviction, and off by one errors
| harveynick wrote:
| And feature creep.
| keskadale wrote:
| There are only two hard problems in computer science:
|
| 0) Cache invalidation 1) Naming things 5) Asynchronous
| callbacks 2) Off-by-one errors 3) Scope creep 6) Bounds
| checking
| andrewcarter wrote:
| Why do Java developers wear glasses?... Because they don't C#
|
| EDIT: Ah someone already did that one- what's a ghost's favorite
| variable type? A BOOlean
| cf100clunk wrote:
| French programmers use boullion variables. Goldsmiths use
| bullion variables.
| royaltheartist wrote:
| Did you know that Javascript programmers are giving up double
| quote strings for Lint?
| justsomeuser wrote:
| What transpiler would a sheep use?
|
| Baa-bel
| luckystarr wrote:
| There are only two hard problems in computer science:
|
| * cache invalidation
|
| * naming things
|
| * off by 1 errors
| tuan wrote:
| You're my number 0
| woutgaze wrote:
| Yo mama's so fat, we had to set her column type to BLOB.
| newscracker wrote:
| Knock knock
|
| Race condition
|
| Who's there?
| type_enthusiast wrote:
| A C programmer and a C++ programmer walk into a bar.
|
| A Haskell programmer describes how one would join them for a
| drink.
| jsjdjfjfjjrjfk wrote:
| Why did the programmer swim in the crocodile river?
|
| Warnings, but no errors.
| laktak wrote:
| My backslash escaped!
| sacredcows wrote:
| My favourite: "guys isn't it crazy how now we use on ehow we use
| 'google ' as a word now? all the time back in my day we didn't do
| that that's new"
| epiddy wrote:
| Don't recall the source, but it has stuck with me since my
| assembler days...
|
| There are only 10 types of people in this world. Those who
| understand binary and those who don't.
| modeless wrote:
| Back when Chuck Norris facts were popular there were Jeff Dean
| facts, and this one is my favorite:
|
| Jeff Dean puts his pants on one leg at a time. But if he had more
| than two legs, you would see that his approach is actually
| O(log(n)).
|
| Oh, and do unintentional jokes count? Because
| AbstractSingletonProxyFactoryBean is pretty funny.
| https://docs.spring.io/spring-framework/docs/3.0.6.RELEASE_t...
| [deleted]
| erik_seaberg wrote:
| My favorite was resolving merge conflicts: type "a y" to accept
| your version of the diff, "a t" to accept their version of the
| diff, or "a j" to accept Jeff Dean's version of the diff.
|
| I think another asserted that Jeff Dean can parse HTML with
| regular expressions.
| lwneal wrote:
| It's often said that software engineers have no code of ethics.
| This is untrue. For example, no respectable software engineer
| would ever consent to writing a function called DestroyBaghdad().
|
| Professional ethics would compel them to instead write a function
| DestroyCity, to which "Baghdad" could be passed as a parameter.
|
| https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Nathaniel_Borenstein
| dragonwriter wrote:
| > Professional ethics would compel them to instead write a
| function DestroyCity, to which "Baghdad" could be passed as a
| parameter.
|
| A common rule in the profession would be that that would only
| be true _after_ they'd coded city-specific destruction
| functions for two previous cities, otherwise it would be
| premature abstraction.
| SV_BubbleTime wrote:
| Sometimes you might want to know success though. So...
|
| status = destroyCity(&city);
|
| This way, because assumingely we may mutate city in some way
| we'll still have what comes after to examine, we didn't pass
| the name or Od of the city, but the location itself. And
| we'll know if overall our destruction worked. It's also
| better if you code to MIRSA destruction.
| _kst_ wrote:
| Because passing the city by copy is way too expensive and
| won't destroy the original city anyway.
| ehnto wrote:
| Depending on the language the ampersand could mean by
| copy or by reference. I suspect the commentor wants by
| reference, since they want to examine it later.
| SV_BubbleTime wrote:
| Your right; I meant by reference. I also said MISRA,
| which implies destruction by means of Sea monster.
| KMag wrote:
| > Depending on the language the ampersand could mean by
| copy or by reference
|
| Yikes. Which languages use ampersand to signal passing by
| value? That's a massive footgun if I'm ever cargo-culting
| my way through writing some code in one of those
| languages for the first time.
| FroshKiller wrote:
| Isn't the real footgun trying to do work you don't
| adequately understand?
| KMag wrote:
| I generally learn a new language by cargo-culting my way
| through a few small-ish programs. I wouldn't put anything
| in production in a language that I didn't adequately
| understand, but I could certainly waste a bunch of time
| debugging if I got the meaning of & flipped.
| simonh wrote:
| Ok, here's a variation.
|
| A programmer is drafted by the military and ordered to
| write the software for a city destroying weapon. Given
| the freedom to choose the implementation language, he
| chooses Javascript. The user enters the city to be
| destroyed, which is passed to the Function destroyCity().
|
| The General returns from the weapon's fist use in battle
| furious. "We fired your damn weapon at Bahgdad, and the
| city's still there! What's going on?"
|
| "I think I know" says the programmer. Javascript passes
| it's parameters by value, not by reference."
| dreen wrote:
| Maybe not quite a joke supposedly this happened for real
|
| A bunch of programmers/sysadmins are sitting in a bar, one of
| them receives a phone call about some critical process on the
| server which appears unresponsive. He troubleshoots for a few
| seconds and then says "Well if its not cooperating just do a
| kill"
|
| At that point, from the next table, a big bald gentleman with a
| huge golden chain and some missing teeth turns around, looks at
| the guy on the phone and says "Respect!"
| jmnicolas wrote:
| Do you know what are black holes? It's where God divided by 0.
| [deleted]
| _kst_ wrote:
| Many years ago, this joke appeared in an April issue of the
| Communications of the ACM (before the Cray 3 actually existed):
|
| "Have you heard about the new Cray 3? It's so fast it can execute
| an infinite loop in about two minutes."
|
| A coworker and I went out for lunch. Not realizing that I had
| already read the joke, he asked me, "So, have you heard about the
| new Cray 3?" I replied "Why no, how long does it take it to
| execute an infinite loop?"
|
| Back at the office, he described this to our colleagues. Trying
| to recreate the event, he said to me, "So, have you heard about
| the new Cray 3?" In front of everyone else, I just said, "Why
| no."
|
| "I hate you", he said.
| andreygrehov wrote:
| ====
|
| "Assume we have 1000 apples, or let's take a round figure, 1024
| apples."
|
| === // get tomorrows date int
| getTomorrowsDate() { sleep(1000*60*60*24);
| return getCurrentDate(); }
| cf100clunk wrote:
| The Lord said: "Go Forth and Multiply," but the Forth programmers
| cried "Please, Lord, give us floating point!" (an oldie, because
| for the longest time FORTH was only fixed point)
| zxcvbn4038 wrote:
| What's the difference between Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg?
|
| One's a human trying to conquer Mars and the other is an alien
| trying to conquer Earth.
| zxcvbn4038 wrote:
| I don't know if I a downvote because Zuckerberg doesn't like
| being called an alien or because Musk doesn't like being in the
| same sentence as Zuckerberg! O.o
| musicale wrote:
| If automotive transportation had advanced as fast as computing
| then cars would travel at the speed of sound, run completely on
| solar power, and cost about 50 cents. And every day thousands of
| them would drive to random locations and explode.
| karmakaze wrote:
| > And every day thousands of them would drive to random
| locations and explode.
|
| Bit close to the truth with v1.0 self-driving Level 3 or 4 and
| denser battery tech.
| mariodiana wrote:
| Programming is like sex: make a mistake, and you just may end up
| supporting it for the next 18 years.
| scotty79 wrote:
| Make anything.
| athosblade wrote:
| Not exactly jokes but I highly recommend looking up CommitStrip.
|
| I think they're the only web comic dedicated to programmers
| (excpet of course xkcd).
| dandanua wrote:
| Programmers solve tasks on their own branches due to our
| ancestors -- apes.
| preparat wrote:
| I think I saw this on reddit years ago:
|
| Programmer's wife: "when you go to the store, can you buy a
| carton of milk and if they have eggs, get six."
|
| He comes back with 6 cartons of milk. Wife: "why would you buy
| six cartons of milk?"
|
| "Well, they had eggs"
| klik99 wrote:
| I get it, she's upset that he didn't get 7, which is
| technicallly what she meant.
| nvader wrote:
| The next time she says to him, "while you're at the store, pick
| up some bananas."
|
| Legend says he's at the store still.
| musicale wrote:
| Programmers will also use up all the shampoo if the label
| says "lather, rinse, repeat" with no explicit termination
| condition.
| sjburt wrote:
| Since when do programmers read the documentation?
| dfex wrote:
| Fortunately showering doesn't appear to be common in the
| profession
| mark-r wrote:
| That one can be attributed to Grace Hopper.
| [deleted]
| throwaway_dcnt wrote:
| There are two hard problems in computer science: 1. Exactly once
| message delivery, 2. Message ordering, 1. Exactly once message
| delivery.
|
| I would like to add to this, fuck you confluent with all your
| lies that you sell to gullible idiots.
| Yizahi wrote:
| You were hired as a foreman on a construction of a laboratory on
| the island. You arrive at the island and among unfinished
| buildings you see - a giant ventilator the size of a building, an
| air balloon ready to fly, and a room completely filled with a
| floor mops. After some head scratching you remove all this junk
| and complete the laboratory. But right after the scientists start
| their work you hear an alert - "ALARM, TOXIC GAS LEAK DETECTED!".
|
| - What is going on?! - you are crying, and call the previous
| foreman.
|
| - Hi Alex, we have a toxic gas leak in the lab, what can we do
| now?
|
| - Hmm, I dunno, did you change anything in the project?
|
| - Well, I've thrown away floor mops...
|
| - They were holding the ceiling.
|
| - I'M SORRY WHAT? HOLDING WHAT AGAIN?!
|
| - There are gas tanks on the floor above, very heavy, so I had to
| to fill the room below with mops to hold them.
|
| - You could have wrote some note, you know. What should I do now?
|
| - Turn on ventilator, it will blow the gas away from the island.
|
| - I've removed it a long time ago.
|
| - Why?
|
| - Why did you built 100 ton ventilator in the first place? You
| could have just prepare a box of gas masks.
|
| - I would have need to search for gas masks and ventilator was a
| leftover from my previous project, so I've used it.
|
| - Alex, we are suffocating here and there is no ventilator! We
| need help!
|
| - The fuck are you doing there then? Get on the air balloon and
| fly away.
| devchix wrote:
| This is an old one.
|
| What is a four-letter word name for a language that you write
| once and run anywhere?
|
| Perl.
| colanderman wrote:
| This is an amalgam of two half-remembered jokes, but I think it
| works.
|
| -------
|
| An engineer, physicist, mathematician, and programmer are all
| hired by a shepherd to create a pen to hold as many sheep as
| possible with the materials given.
|
| The engineer sets to work immediately building a traditional
| rectangular fence: a proven design which works. She finishes in
| an hour.
|
| The physicist pulls out pencil and notepad, and after a few
| minutes of computation, determines that a novel circular fence
| design will enclose the maximum number of (spherical,
| frictionless) sheep, while remaining structurally sound. He too
| completes the fence within an hour.
|
| The mathematician sits for an hour under a tree in deep thought,
| suddenly jumps up, wraps herself in a short length of fence, and
| says, "I declare myself to be outside the fence!" [this is
| normally where the joke ends]
|
| The programmer meanwhile is nowhere to be found, having run off
| excitedly with his laptop immediately after hearing the problem
| statement. The shepherd congratulates the other three on a job
| well done, and they all part ways.
|
| A week later, as the shepherd is tending to the flock, he is
| surprised to see the programmer sitting in the shade of a tree,
| furiously typing away at his laptop. "Uh, how's it coming?" the
| shepherd asks.
|
| The programmer replies, "It's going great! I've almost finished
| coding the cross-platform terminal graphics library!"
| vram22 wrote:
| This was only the second joke I liked in this thread, reading
| sequentially. First one was about the balloon.
| paxswill wrote:
| An SQL query walks up to a table and asks, "Can I join you?"
| mleonhard wrote:
| A NoSQL database runs into some friends at a restaurant. "Why
| don't you join us?" "I would love to, but I can't join tables."
| [deleted]
| ggm wrote:
| A russian, a french, and an irish archeologist are talking in a
| bar
|
| french: we found copper wire in our last dig, it shows france
| invented networking
|
| russian: we found glass strands in our last dig, it proves russia
| invented fibre optics
|
| irish: we found nothing. It proves the irish invented wireless
| networks.
| franze wrote:
| When I am coding I often want to just shout out loud: THIS IS
| SHIT! But honestly, I can never remember what this refers to.
| charlesworth91 wrote:
| Why do fish love programming in assembly? Because it's below C
| level
| willcipriano wrote:
| Java is a DSL that turns XML into lengthy stack traces.
| grahamburger wrote:
| Not a joke, really, but a haiku:
|
| It's not DNS
|
| There's no way it's DNS
|
| It was DNS
| baritonehands wrote:
| AFAIK this is an original:
|
| Who's got 10 thumbs and only tells programming jokes? this.guy
| pubby wrote:
| Fortran joke: God is real, unless declared integer.
| fuzzfactor wrote:
| It's not easy being a geek when there's spyware and all kinds of
| malicious programs out there, you never know what you're going to
| get.
|
| Still I'd rather have a virus on my PC than my PP.
|
| With a trojan of course, it's the other way around.
| grumdan wrote:
| How did the Three Wise Men find their way to baby Jesus? A Star.
| (This joke works better when spoken out loud instead of written)
| reidjs wrote:
| What's a python programmers favorite type of poetry? Def poetry
|
| What's the diff between a junior programmer and a senior
| programmer? s/junior/senior. Also only the junior will laugh at
| that joke.
| evilotto wrote:
| When all you have is a HammerFactoryImpl, every problem looks
| like an INailIterator
| 8114Y wrote:
| Mechanical engineer walks around the field and thinks - there is
| a field. Flowers grows on field. Bees are gathering honey from
| flowers, doing good for flowers. Sun is shining over whole
| ecosystem making everything grow. There must be an engineer, who
| planned that. God exists! I believe in God!
|
| Software engineers doesn't believes in God...
| [deleted]
| johnthuss wrote:
| There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand
| binary and those who don't.
| _kst_ wrote:
| There are 10 kinds of people in the world:
|
| Those who understand little-endian notation.
| arthurcolle wrote:
| The hex version is good too -
|
| There are 16 types of people in the world: those who understand
| hexadecimal and F the rest.
| [deleted]
| sloaken wrote:
| The real answer is:
|
| Those who don't understand binary
|
| Those that think its a binary joke
|
| Those who understand trinary
|
| no no it is:
|
| Those who don't understand binary
|
| Those that think its a binary joke
|
| Those that think its a trinary joke
|
| Those who understand base 4
|
| ...
| [deleted]
| Sprite_tm wrote:
| Those who don't understand binary, those that do, and those
| who count in Gray codes.
| lhorie wrote:
| A human and a alien are talking about their number systems
|
| Human: Oh, I see you use base 4. We use base 10.
|
| Alien: WTF is base 4? We use base 10.
| kaliara wrote:
| Now this I like!
| hpb42 wrote:
| One can generalize this joke and use mathematical Induction
| to tell infinite jokes.
| carapace wrote:
| "Computer science could be called the post-Turing decline in the
| study of formal systems." (Dijkstra, I think.)
|
| "Calling it Computer Science is like calling surgery 'knife
| science'." (Also Dijkstra, I think.)
|
| "Artificial Intelligence is when the machine wakes up and asks,
| 'Hey, what's in it for me?'."
|
| "There are two hard problems in computers: naming, cache
| invalidation, and off-by-one errors." (Funny 'cause it's true.)
|
| "Which will attain self-awareness first, Wolfram or Wolfram
| Alpha?" (A little mean-spirited, perhaps, but funny. I respect
| Dr. Wolfram, I suspect he's one of the people that, a thousand
| years from now, folks will still be talking about when you and I
| are long forgotten.)
| massel wrote:
| did you hear about the DSP engineer who remodeled the entryway in
| her house overnight?
|
| it was a fast foyer transform
|
| https://twitter.com/caraesten/status/1284232296497770496
| nzealand wrote:
| A software engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to
| enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so
| slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the
| greenkeeper for an explanation. "That's a group of blind
| firefighters," they are told. "They lost their sight saving our
| clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free."
|
| The priest says, "I will say a prayer for them tonight."
|
| The doctor says, "Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if
| anything can be done for them."
|
| And the software engineer says, "Why can't they play at night?"
| rkagerer wrote:
| I'm a firefighter programmer and I liked this one.
| Netcob wrote:
| Well looks like you just leaked Boston Dynamics' next
| product.
| BerislavLopac wrote:
| I thought all programmers are firefighters...
| StavrosK wrote:
| For a moment there I thought you were the other firefighter
| programmer I know.
| kaybe wrote:
| I get hung up by the many reasons why playing at night would be
| worse for them..
| Moru wrote:
| Haha, yes, that is so typical us programmers. We always know
| best and ofcourse there is a simple solution that fixes
| everything without even having to code a single line. But what
| if they enjoy the feeling of the sun on the skin while golfing?
| What if they are not completely blind but can see dark/light
| shades? This makes it much easier to keep balance.
| YeGoblynQueenne wrote:
| ... what if they have to sleep in the same time as everyone
| else?
| vanderZwan wrote:
| I think the joke is that we programmers don't consider such
| implied requirements.
| btschaegg wrote:
| ...and, at times, lack empathy to a frightening extent ;-)
| SmokyBourbon wrote:
| PHP
| TripleH wrote:
| What kind of specialist does a broken iOS app consult?
|
| An orthoplist.
|
| NB: my coworkers gave me a weird look when I told them this
| handmade nerdy joke, hope it will pull one or two smiles here
| pulse7 wrote:
| "Chuck Norris can instantiate an abstract class." :-)
| a_bored_husky wrote:
| "The plural of regex is regrets"
| readflaggedcomm wrote:
| I started writing one, but only finished 90%.
| mesarvagya wrote:
| How about following ?
|
| #define true 0
|
| #define false 1
| 8114Y wrote:
| The difference between God and Larry Ellison is that God doesn't
| thinks that he is Larry Ellison.
| speakeron wrote:
| A programmer walks into a bar, or not.
| dharmab wrote:
| A QA engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
|
| She orders 2 beers.
|
| She orders 0 beers.
|
| She orders -1 beers.
|
| She orders a lizard.
|
| She orders a NULLPTR.
|
| She tries to leave without paying.
|
| Satisfied, she declares the bar ready for business. The first
| customer comes in an orders a beer. They finish their drink, and
| then ask where the bathroom is.
|
| The bar explodes.
| kyriakos wrote:
| This describes our qa team accurately
| [deleted]
| christophilus wrote:
| This is the first one that made me laugh out loud. My kids came
| over, "Can I see?" to which I replied "I'm a giant nerd."
| [deleted]
| senectus1 wrote:
| Not a programmer, but this is good.
| eyelidlessness wrote:
| If you mean you're not a programmer, rad, good compliment. If
| you mean QA engineers aren't programmers... wtaf?
| spacemanmatt wrote:
| It's weird how some people admit they still test code by
| hand
| imtringued wrote:
| Automated test suites suffer from the same problem.
| jtwaleson wrote:
| It's very simple: you test things because we can't rely
| 100% on developers to create the right thing or to create
| it without any bugs. The same goes for automated test
| software. I've personally created unit tests that were
| failing for like 2 years but due to a bug still showed
| green in CI.
|
| To go back to the joke: manual QA is infinitely more
| likely to find the exploding bathroom than a unit test
| would ;)
|
| Automated testing is a fantastic tool, but manual QA is
| still very valuable.
| AdmiralAsshat wrote:
| It's weird how many bugs I regularly find in our software
| by actually testing things by hand, as opposed to our QA
| department, which does only automated testing and insists
| they have covered 100% use-case scenarios.
| eyelidlessness wrote:
| I mean, I'm a programmer and I still test code manually.
| I'm not sure why it has to be xor
| Cthulhu_ wrote:
| It's not an either/or though. Used to have an assignment
| where we as developers would write automated tests
| (regression tests), while we had an experienced software
| tester with an excel sheet verifying things by hand. But
| instead of just following the sheet - which is
| automatable - he knew of a number of different techniques
| and approaches and he'd still find a lot of issues that
| nobody else found. For which we'd write a test to avoid
| it happening again.
|
| I mean I wouldn't have minded if they wrote more
| automated tests themselves, but I'm also very aware that
| the mindset of me and developers would quickly become
| "it's not my responsibility to test my software".
| detaro wrote:
| QA is more than running tests by hand you could also just
| code.
| drdeadringer wrote:
| > test code by hand
|
| Personally, I find it helpful to bugger out things with
| pen and paper before coding it out. This is helpful and
| useful.
|
| Greatness to you of you need not the analogue. Others
| "below you" may and can do just as well. Please do not
| down your nose upon such folks.
| rkagerer wrote:
| All my tests are individually hand-crafted from sapient
| pearwood and proctored by a licensed pirate.
| onionisafruit wrote:
| If "by hand" you mean using your hands to type code that
| generates tests, then yes, I admit to testing code by
| hand.
| worik wrote:
| I do
| 29athrowaway wrote:
| "If Java had true garbage collection, most programs would delete
| themselves upon execution."
|
| - Robert Sewell
| easymodex wrote:
| Yes, but I was too lazy to document it.
| avmich wrote:
| A programmer walks into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender
| says I'll give you a drink if you tell me a programmer joke. And
| he says: a programmer walks into a bar and ask for a drink. The
| bartender says I'll give you a drink if you tell me a programmer
| joke. And he says: a programmer walks into a bar and ask for a
| drink. So he gives the guy a drink, so he gives the guy a drink,
| so he gives the guy a drink.
| golergka wrote:
| Finally, a recursion joke that is not about infinite recursion!
| YeGoblynQueenne wrote:
| Well, strictly speaking it is. There is no terminating
| condition- the OP simply chose to return at an arbitrary
| point in the recursion.
| jeofken wrote:
| This recurs until the programmers runs out of stacks
| GurnBlandston wrote:
| An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first
| one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third
| one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours
| two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."
| ashishmax31 wrote:
| Now the programmer just waits till the stack blows up to get
| his free drink.
| dvfjsdhgfv wrote:
| Well, that depends on the language they speak.
| yoz-y wrote:
| That's how you get out of the simulation.
| Gupie wrote:
| Or whether the tale is optimised
| hliyan wrote:
| In a similar vein:
|
| One day a student came to Moon and said: "I understand how to
| make a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count
| of the pointers to each cons."
|
| Moon patiently told the student the following story:
|
| "One day a student came to Moon and said: 'I understand how to
| make a better garbage collector...
| rottc0dd wrote:
| Disclaimer : Details nobody asked for.
|
| These are one of the jokes originating from MIT AI Lab. And,
| Moon mentioned here is David Moon - one of the famous hackers
| from MIT AI lab.
|
| Other such jokes from same origin [1]
|
| [1] - http://www.catb.org/~esr/jargon/html/koans.html
| jon_richards wrote:
| I thought someone was going to raise a flag.
| edoceo wrote:
| Recursive till you fall off your stool.
| [deleted]
| i2shar wrote:
| ... (continued): The bartender gives him a puzzled look and
| says, "I didn't get it", to which the programmer responds "To
| understand recursion you must first understand recursion."
| kinard wrote:
| https://www.google.com/search?q=recursion
| pvitz wrote:
| This is a wonderful easter egg, thanks!
| combatentropy wrote:
| Did you mean where it says "did you mean . . . "?
| pvitz wrote:
| Yes
| vram22 wrote:
| Google gets recursion:
|
| https://jugad2.blogspot.com/2013/12/google-gets-
| recursion.ht...
| [deleted]
| rsprinkle wrote:
| How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| None. The light's on in here so it must be on there too.
| linsomniac wrote:
| God is real, unless declared integer.
|
| In FORTRAN, by default, any variable name that starts with
| I,J,K,L,M or N is an integer, otherwise it is a real type.
| apengwin wrote:
| Why do all Republicans have straight hair?
|
| Because the curl of a conservative field is always zero.
| Cockbrand wrote:
| My personal favorite:
|
| Knock knock. "Race condition." "Who's there?"
| heidijavi wrote:
| - SQL experience? + No experience. - Ok noted, NoSQL experience.
| + ...
| tilt_error wrote:
| > got a light? zsh: no matches found: light?
| ximeng wrote:
| From Twitter:
|
| @steveklabnik * Jan 5 if a cow changes some state, you'd call
| that a moo-table variable
| AndrewOMartin wrote:
| 1964 John Kemeny and Thomas Kurtz create BASIC.
|
| 1974 Kemeny and Kurtz go to 1964.
|
| From A Brief, Incomplete, and Mostly Wrong History of Programming
| Languages.
|
| http://james-iry.blogspot.com/2009/05/brief-incomplete-and-m...
| boojing wrote:
| When coding, some programmers mix functional and imperative.
| Others prefer not to: they believe in the separation of Church
| and state.
| TheOtherHobbes wrote:
| How many Haskell developers does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| Maybe
| ArchieMaclean wrote:
| The GNU Humour [0] collection may be of interest. Also Dylan
| Beattie has done some great songs on YouTube [1] (I especially
| like 'Bug in the JavaScript' and 'You Give REST a Bad Name')
|
| Here's a couple I remember from somewhere:
|
| SEO expert walks into a bar...
|
| ...tavern, pub, taproom, alcohol, beer, wine, vodka...
|
| Also, tangentially related:
|
| A farmer wants to section off part of his field with a fixed
| length of fence. He is unsure what the best strategy is so he
| unwisely calls the local university, who send an engineer, a
| physicist and a mathematician.
|
| The engineer makes a circle with the fence, declaring it to have
| the greatest area for any given perimeter length.
|
| The physicist makes a straight line as far as the eye can see in
| either direction, and says that, to all intents and purposes, it
| goes all the way around the world and he has fenced in half the
| world.
|
| The mathematician fences off a tiny one metre area around
| himself, and says "I declare myself to be on the outside".
|
| [0] https://www.gnu.org/fun/humor.en.html
|
| [1] https://www.youtube.com/user/dylanhat
| thunderbong wrote:
| Man, those Dylan Beattie's videos are out of this world!! I
| laughed way too hard on a number of them -
|
| You give REST a bad name -
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSKp2StlS6s
|
| We're Gonna Build a Framework -
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wm2h0cbvsw8
|
| Enterprise Waterfall -
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mq1MD5qXI08
| znpy wrote:
| This is an old-style joke: why programmers keep confusing
| Christmas with Halloween? Because 25 Dec = 31 Oct.
| Aachen wrote:
| Haven't heard that one in a long time. Love it :)
|
| Edit: but then like five more times down this thread... <insert
| the fourteenth off-by-five joke>
| krick wrote:
| Wow. I never noticed.
| cies wrote:
| The two hardest things in computer science are:
|
| 0. Naming things.
|
| 1. Cache invalidation.
|
| 2. Off-by-one errors.
|
| (just found some attribution to: Leon Bambrick)
| LeonB wrote:
| ha, thank you. The numbers aren't needed though.
| jdauriemma wrote:
| Why was 6 afraid of base 7?
|
| Because 10 11 12
| n_f wrote:
| Once upon a time, a baby bear asked his mama to tell him a story
| about recursion. And so the mama bear started reading:
|
| "Once upon a time, a baby bear asked his mama to tell him a story
| about recursion, the mama bear started reading:
|
| ...""
| sotraw wrote:
| #define private public
| rvense wrote:
| I went to a NodeJS party one time but I didn't like it, only one
| person could have fun at once.
|
| Then I went to an Erlang party, and it was just a bunch of nerds
| at separate tables passing notes to each other about how much fun
| they were having.
|
| But the weirdest was the Haskell party. Nothing happened for six
| hours and then suddenly everyone said "Well, that was fun!" and
| went home...
| jar3624 wrote:
| funny stuff. got the Nodejs (single threaded) and Erlang
| (message passing) jokes but not familiar with Haskell.. whats
| joke there ...
| pestaa wrote:
| Lazy evaluation. Intermediate computations are stored as
| "thunks" until the last possible moment.
| culopatin wrote:
| Is it batch perhaps? I'm pretty ignorant too.
| teddyh wrote:
| Programmers and computer scientists tend, in my experience, go
| for what is sometimes called Ha-Ha-Only-Serious ("HHOS") type
| jokes. Meaning, statements that are true, but so piercing that
| they also are humorous.
|
| In this vein, I can recommend the book _The Tao of Programming_
| by Geoffrey James. There are also collections of funny anecdotes
| like " _COMPUTER-RELATED HORROR STORIES, FOLKLORE, AND ANECDOTES_
| "1, " _Computer Stupidities_ "2 and the pre-MacOS X Macintosh-
| related collection of "folklore"3. There is also the classic "AI
| koans" collection4.
|
| If what you want is something more like a personal biography
| (like the classic Feynman books), I can suggest _The Network
| Revolution: Confessions of a Computer Scientist_ 5.
|
| 1.
| https://www.cs.earlham.edu/~skylar/humor/Unix/computer.folkl...
|
| 2. http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/
|
| 3. https://www.folklore.org/
|
| 4. http://www.catb.org/~esr/jargon/html/koans.html
|
| 5. https://books.google.com/books?id=6f8VqnZaPQwC
| albrewer wrote:
| I would add "The Codeless Code"[1] to this list; very
| entertaining stories/koans told as if programmers were monks in
| a monastery.
|
| [1] http://thecodelesscode.com
| teddyh wrote:
| More like this:
|
| _Rootless Root -- The Unix Koans of Master Foo_ :
|
| http://www.catb.org/~esr/writings/unix-koans/
|
| _The Tao Of Backup_ :
|
| http://www.taobackup.com/
|
| _Git Koans_
|
| https://stevelosh.com/blog/2013/04/git-koans/
| dmcgee wrote:
| An old one:
|
| Q: how many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a
| lightbulb?
|
| A: none they just change the standard to darkness.
| plumsempy wrote:
| my fav:
|
| The bartender says: we don't serve race conditions here A thread
| walks into a bar
| ciaran-ifelse wrote:
| I decided to solve a problem with regular expressions and now I
| have two problems.
| johnchristopher wrote:
| C'est un administrateur systeme qui reconfigure ses variables
| d'environnement et paf le chemin.
|
| I tell it like I am someone serious but a bit dumb who thinks
| it's really funny and is too stupid to see how dumb this is.
|
| Only work in French and I set up the stage by being me at the
| beginning and telling it in front of programmer or it people and
| non it people so IT people have to confirm it's stupid and the
| joke is in how my personna thinks it's funny.
|
| This makes me laugh.
|
| A few usually believe I am serious.
| ojathe wrote:
| I don't get it. Is it simply funny (in an absurd way) because
| of the usual "Paf le X" french jokes, or is there something
| more to it ?
| johnchristopher wrote:
| Yes, it's only funny when you play the dumb/silly guy and
| people know "Paf le chien" (which is already absurd). French
| people usually pronounce Path and Paf in the same way and
| "Chemin" and "Chien" sounds alike.
|
| What usually happens is the IT guys look at me, sighing and
| non verbally confirm to non-IT people that the joke is way
| too stupid and geeky to explain.
| rsprinkle wrote:
| How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| None. The light is working in here so it must be working there
| too.
| pryelluw wrote:
| Horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
| Horse replied: I tried a short but didn't fit.
|
| (Integer joke)
|
| --
|
| Can you milk a bool?
|
| False.
| jerzyt wrote:
| Not exactly a joke, but it could be a marketing slogan for many
| companies today: "AI or Die"
| wwilim wrote:
| Here's one I've heard, originally in Russian
|
| ===
|
| Why do programmers hate legacy projects, you ask?
|
| Well, imagine yourself in a situation where you are asked to
| finish the construction of a nuclear power plant on a remote
| island that your friend started.
|
| You arrive on the island to discover quite unusual pieces of
| design in the project. Among other curiosities, you find a room
| full of broomsticks, a 90 foot tall fan and a hot air balloon.
| You think to yourself - what a silly idea, who needs all those
| things in a power plant? - and your first steps are to remove all
| those unnecessary dingbats.
|
| A few months of hard work later, you have finished the
| construction of the power plant. You and a few scientists gather
| in the control room and power the thing up for the first time for
| a test run. Everything seems to be working fine for a few
| minutes, but suddenly, everything lights up red - there is a
| radioactive gas leak!
|
| You panic, because you have no idea what could have caused such
| an issue. You call your friend and ask for ideas. While you
| describe the situation to him, he is horrified.
|
| - Have you really gotten rid of the room with the broomsticks?
|
| - Of course! Why would you need a room full of broomsticks in a
| power plant?
|
| - They were holding up the weight of the reactor core! No wonder
| you have a radioactive gas leak!
|
| - My God, why did you not tell me? What should I do about the
| leak?
|
| - Don't worry, everything is fine, just turn on the 90 foot tall
| fan and it should blow the toxic gas away from the island.
|
| - What fan? Oh, this fan? I've gotten rid of it!
|
| - Why would you do that?! It was an important safety measure!
|
| - We'll argue about that later, people are dying in here! Is
| there anything else I can do?
|
| - You can't stay on the island, it is not safe. Just gather
| everyone in the hot air balloon and get the hell out of there!
| tilt_error wrote:
| # cd /etc # emacs hosts # rm * ~ # ls #
| ls
| nottorp wrote:
| "They want a fixed price estimate" qualifies as a joke?
| TedShiller wrote:
| To understand recursion, we must first understand recursion.
| genjipress wrote:
| Why was there no popcorn at the next-gen OS conference?
|
| Because nobody implemented the kernel!
| rramadass wrote:
| Groan!
| gauravphoenix wrote:
| Who is the ruler of devops?
|
| Jenkins Khan.
| galkk wrote:
| This is long, but i love it
|
| https://www.famicol.in/language_checklist.html
| axelsvensson wrote:
| If programming seems hard, it might be because you need to learn
| a separate discipline depending on the order of magnitude of your
| codebase LOC:
|
| 100: Axiomatics
|
| 101: Logic
|
| 102: Mathematics
|
| 103: Computer Science
|
| 104: Software Engineering
|
| 105: Group Psychology
|
| 106: Politics
|
| 107: Crisis Management
| rramadass wrote:
| Neat!
| [deleted]
| moneywoes wrote:
| Good material for standup tomorrow, thank you all.
| johnthuss wrote:
| "I am Devloper" on twitter is amusing:
| https://twitter.com/iamdevloper
| jimbokun wrote:
| https://twitter.com/iamdevloper/status/1346841020869324802
| olegp wrote:
| This is my programming version of another joke I heard:
|
| A guy walks into a bar and sees a group of people. One of them
| says a number and the rest laugh. Then the next person says a
| number and everyone laughs again.
|
| "What are you doing?" he asks them.
|
| "We're telling each other jokes, but since we keep telling the
| same ones, we've assigned each a number and rather than telling
| the whole joke all over again, we can just reference it quickly
| that way"
|
| "Can I try?"
|
| "Sure, go ahead"
|
| "42", the guy says.
|
| Everyone starts laughing and laughing and won't stop.
|
| "What did I say?"
|
| "Well you see, the joke you told us was:
|
| A guy walks into a bar and sees a group of people. One of them
| says a number and the rest laugh... etc. etc."
|
| ---
|
| In the original joke the last answer was simply "We hadn't heard
| that one before", but I'd like to think my recursive version has
| more depth to it.
| fuzzfactor wrote:
| Another new guy walks in and finds this friendly group
| explaining how they joke by number.
|
| They encourage him to give it a try and he enthusiastically
| says "18".
|
| Nobody laughed at all.
|
| Crickets.
|
| He asks the guy next to him, "isn't 18 funny?"
|
| "Yes, but you have to know how to tell a joke."
| hutzlibu wrote:
| Theres more depth in your one, but the original is more funny
| and to the point.
| onionisafruit wrote:
| I remember my mother telling that joke to her friends at a
| cocktail party in the 70s. I thought she was the funniest
| person ever.
| a_e_k wrote:
| Q: Why did the multi-threaded chicken cross the road?
|
| A: other side. get to the To
| evphn wrote:
| Why do front end engineers always have lunch alone? Because they
| can't join tables.
| voisin wrote:
| /r/ProgrammerHumor is quite good.
| pantelisk wrote:
| Some people, when confronted with a problem, think "I know, I'll
| use regular expressions." Now they have two problems.
|
| (quote from Jamie Zawinski)
| infradig wrote:
| Here's one from the olden days...
|
| Q: How are programmers like card machines? A: With both you have
| to punch the information in.
| jjgreen wrote:
| I heard a variant of this from musicians -- why is a drummer
| like a drum machine ...
| eitland wrote:
| To err is human but to create utter chaos you will need a
| computer.
|
| (That said I really want to say something about JS, but I doubt
| everyone here will appreciate it ;-)
| wging wrote:
| Yes.
|
| (ok, this one's actually a logic joke...)
| [deleted]
| NortySpock wrote:
| Ah, logic jokes...
|
| Three philosophers walk into a bar, and the bartender asks: "Do
| you all want a drink?"
|
| The first one says "I don't know."
|
| The second one says "I don't know."
|
| The third one says "Yes!"
| linux2647 wrote:
| Ugh this is why I hated logic problems in school. Anyone care
| to help a poor soul understand the meaning of this joke?
| codetrotter wrote:
| The bartender asked if all of them wanted a drink.
|
| Logician number one does not know whether logicians number
| two and three want a drink or not, so he can't say yes. If
| he did not want a drink though, he could say no because
| then it would not be true that they all wanted a drink. But
| he wants a drink. Therefore he says he don't know, because
| it will depend on whether the other two want drinks or not.
|
| Same applies to logician number two. She is still missing
| info about the third logician and therefore says she
| doesn't know.
|
| The third logician now knows that both of the other two
| want drinks, and so can answer that all of them want
| drinks.
| th0114nd wrote:
| It's a short circuiting conjunction. Consider
| `aliceWantsADrink && bobWantsADrink`. If Alice doesn't want
| a drink, she knows it's not the case that both of them want
| a drink. Since she says "maybe" instead of "no" she signals
| to Bob that she wants a drink, and so he concludes they
| both want a drink.
| wging wrote:
| The question is "Do you all want a drink?" They're all
| answering with the logical meaning of "all", where it's yes
| if and only if every single one of them wants a drink, not
| the common meaning. Their responses are the value of the
| predicate `(A wants a drink) AND (B wants a drink) AND (C
| wants a drink)`.
|
| If either of the first two didn't want a drink, they would
| be able to answer "no". They each started off knowing one
| of the terms in that logical AND above. (They know their
| own preferences are either "yes" and "no" but they aren't
| yet aware of the others' preferences, and they each know
| the others know that.)
|
| For example, if (A wants a drink) is false, then the whole
| predicate is false. So if A didn't want a drink, A would've
| said "no". But instead they say "I don't know". They could
| only have not known if they actually _do_ want a drink but
| are unsure whether both of the others also do. But after
| the first two people each say something that reveals they
| do want a drink, the third person "C" knows that:
|
| 1. A wants a drink (or they would have said "no")
|
| 2. B wants a drink (or they would have said "no")
|
| 3. C wants a drink (knowledge of their own preferences)
|
| and finally has enough information to conclude that the
| overall predicate is true.
| bondolo wrote:
| There is also the ambiguous answer that first two give.
| Is their response "I don't know" or is it "I don't, no".
| [deleted]
| erikerikson wrote:
| Seriously?
|
| The first hadn't heard from the others but wants a beer so
| can't deny the universal.
|
| The second hadn't heard the last but wants a beer so can't
| deny the universal.
|
| Neither the first or second could deny the universal so
| therefore they want beer and so does the last so that one
| can reply yes.
|
| /Sigh, I explained it.
|
| [Edit: and then noticed three others had already but I was
| too incensed to read beyond the ask. /Sigh]
| erikerikson wrote:
| Yes, this was an inappropriate post that has no place
| here. I'm sorry to the parent poster and anyone whose
| enjoyment of the joke is blunted by this. I certainly
| didn't intend to be an insulting downer but I certainly
| don't expect anyone to read it as anything but intending
| to insult. I apologise.
| exabrial wrote:
| I mean https://images.app.goo.gl/NHmXYwYPfN8MyiBL7
| dharmab wrote:
| I recommend The Codeless Code, a series of humorous programming-
| themed Buddhist koans.
|
| http://thecodelesscode.com/contents
| smlckz wrote:
| I actually read all of them. Why they stopped adding new ones?
| Any similiar list of programming koans?
| nvader wrote:
| Yes
| arthurcolle wrote:
| 10/10
| bfung wrote:
| 1
| Aachen wrote:
| `whoami`
| avmich wrote:
| When going to sleep, programmer puts to the table next to his bed
| a glass with water and an empty glass. The glass with water is in
| case he'll want to drink at night and the empty glass is in case
| he won't.
| KMag wrote:
| Funny, but I think even a lot of programmers won't realize it's
| a joke about how eliminating special cases / branches from code
| often makes the code look a little crazy at first glance.
| rkagerer wrote:
| The next morning he wakes up to find the first glass empty, the
| other full of an amber tinted liquid, and a stranger in bed
| with him.
|
| "You must be the new consultant."
|
| "How can you tell?"
|
| "All we needed was a nappy, but instead you've bastardized the
| system in ways it was never meant to be used, left a leaky
| abstraction that doesn't flush the output, and now I've got to
| clean up the mess ur in."
| SilasX wrote:
| My favorite, which I repeat a lot:
|
| The reason God was able to finish the earth in only six days is
| that He didn't have to worry about backward-compatibility.
| amit9gupta wrote:
| As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter
| combat training , programmers have gone to great lengths to
| increase the realism of the their scenarios, including detailed
| landscapes and -- in the case of the Northern Territory's
| Operation Phoenix -- herds of kangaroos (since groups of
| disturbed animals might well give away a helicopters position).
|
| The head of the Defense Science and Technology Organization's
| Land Operations/Simulations division reportedly instructed
| developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reaction
| to helicopters.
|
| Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code
| originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the
| same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a
| kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.
|
| Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting
| American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual
| kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos
| scattered, as predicted, and the Americans nodded appreciatively
| . . . and then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from
| behind a hill and launched a barrage of stinger missiles at the
| hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten the
| remove "that" part of the infantry coding).
|
| Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/shoot-me-kangaroo-down-
| spo...
| phs318u wrote:
| Hahaha. Having worked at DSTO (many years ago) this is SO
| believable.
| yazmeya wrote:
| Did you hear the one about a programmer losing all of her hair?
| She bought a bottle of shampoo and the instructions said "Lather.
| Rinse. Repeat."
| dijksterhuis wrote:
| A programmer's spouse asks them to purchase some items from the
| supermarket:
|
| "We've run out of milk, so buy a carton. Oh, and if they have
| eggs buy six of them."
|
| The programmer dutifully heads to the shop and returns with six
| cartons of milk.
| dandare wrote:
| There are two types of people. Those who can extrapolate from
| incomplete datasets.
| hliyan wrote:
| _Tom Knight and the Lisp Machine_
|
| A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the
| power off and on.
|
| Knight, seeing what the student was doing, spoke sternly: "You
| cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no
| understanding of what is going wrong."
|
| Knight turned the machine off and on.
|
| The machine worked.
|
| Source: http://www.catb.org/~esr/jargon/html/koans.html
| gcristofol wrote:
| How come God created the world in just 7 days? I wouldn't need to
| be compatible with the previous version.
| nathell wrote:
| A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are all watching a
| house that seems empty. Presently, two people enter the house,
| and after a while three people come back out.
|
| The biologist says: "Clearly, there was a breeding."
|
| The physicist says: "Oh no, it's our measurements that are
| imprecise."
|
| The mathematician thinks for a while and declares: "If one more
| person walks in, the house will be empty again."
| pagade wrote:
| I am surprised no one has posted this Stackoverflow link:
| https://stackoverflow.com/questions/184618/what-is-the-best-...
|
| These are programming jokes 'in action'.
| i2shar wrote:
| A SQL query walks into a bar, approaches two tables and asks,
| "May I join you?"
| nielsole wrote:
| A QA engineer walks into a new bar repeatedly, orders NaN beers,
| -1 beers and 256 beers. Satisfied they let the first customer in.
| The customer orders a beer. The bar explodes.
| fsflover wrote:
| There are only two hard problems in distributed systems:
|
| 2. Exactly-once delivery
|
| 1. Guaranteed order of messages
|
| 2. Exactly-once delivery
| valzam wrote:
| Reminds me of
|
| There are only 2 hard things about programming:
|
| - Cache invalidation
|
| - Naming things
|
| - Off-by-one errors
| skellystudios wrote:
| Cache invalidation isn't hard, but it used to be and now we
| can't get people to think otherwise.
| rvense wrote:
| I heard that the two main problems in computer science is
| that we have only one joke and it's not very funny.
| _kst_ wrote:
| A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and a computer
| scientists are all asked to test the hypothesis that all odd
| numbers greater than 2 are prime. (Apologies in advance to
| engineers.)
|
| The mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is
| composite. The hypothesis is false.
|
| The physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is
| composite, hmm, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, 15 is composite, 17 is
| prime, 19 is prime. The hypothesis is true within the margin of
| error.
|
| The engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11
| is prime, 13 is prime, 15 is prime, ...
|
| The computer scientist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 5 is prime, 5 is
| prime, 5 is prime, 5 is prime, ...
| erik_seaberg wrote:
| I heard a version that went
|
| Mathematician: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, therefore
| by induction we know all odd numbers are prime."
|
| Physicist: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 must be
| experimental error."
|
| Computer scientist: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is
| prime ..."
| yogrish wrote:
| there are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand
| binary and those who dont.
| underseacables wrote:
| 100 bugs in the code, 100 bugs in the code, take one down patch
| it around, 141 bugs in the code.
| kodah wrote:
| What's the computational complexity of an average developer
| workload on Linux?
|
| O(Chrome)
| asymptosis wrote:
| Not precisely jokes, but the Unix Koans are both fun and
| insightful: https://www.catb.org/~esr/writings/unix-koans/
| hiperlink wrote:
| So this will sound like bitter, burnt-out comment and honestly
| been there, did that... and now I'm bitter again due to recent
| events at my recent workplace, but again this is just a pattern I
| have recognized along the 25 years I've spent working on banking
| software and later after the burn-out with a large telco.
|
| So the programming joke:
|
| The managers, especilally mid-level, and project owners.
| colanderman wrote:
| My favorite, from /usr/share/games/fortunes:
|
| A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer
| scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving
| along the savannah in their jeep, they stop and scout the horizon
| with their binoculars.
|
| The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white
| zebra! Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
|
| The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only
| know there's one white zebra."
|
| The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra,
| which is white on one side."
|
| The computer scientist: "Oh, no! A special case!"
| detaro wrote:
| just saw one on twitter I hadn't heard before:
| https://twitter.com/ctrlshifti/status/1352103674030432257
|
| developer: so i have good news and bad news
|
| manager: what's the good news?
|
| developer: i've discovered that the "5 second rule" only applies
| to food
|
| manager: and the bad news?
|
| developer: i dropped our tables
| wwarner wrote:
| The OSI Model. Ha ha ha ha ha...
| CalChris wrote:
| In programming, as in life, a single missed period can be of
| great significance.
| motyar wrote:
| true
| iancmceachern wrote:
| " Hardware eventually fails. Software eventually works" Michael
| Hartung
| cirgue wrote:
| Someone else got downvoted to oblivion for this, though it
| deserves to be higher because it's a classic: "I know a UDP joke,
| but I'm not sure you'll get it".
| hamilyon2 wrote:
| ... or get it twice
| eranation wrote:
| Hi, I'd like to hear a TCP joke.
|
| Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?
|
| Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke.
|
| OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke.
|
| OK, I'll hear a TCP joke.
|
| Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?
|
| Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke.
|
| OK, I'm about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it
| has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a
| punchline.
|
| OK, I'm ready to hear the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds,
| has two characters, does not have a setting and will end with a
| punchline.
|
| I'm sorry, your connection has timed out... ...Hello, would you
| like to hear a TCP joke?
| type0 wrote:
| "I would tell you a joke about UDP, but you probably wouldn't
| get it."
| type0 wrote:
| Where is it? I didn't get it.
| ALittleLight wrote:
| UDP packets aren't guaranteed to be received - hence, "you
| may not get it".
| Rooster61 wrote:
| And so the bartender ends up throwing the priest out along
| with the packets!
| type0 wrote:
| Good, I know "I may not" but where is it then? This is no
| joke, I'm very serious, my pointy-haired boss is mad and
| said he needs the packets today /s
| bigbluedots wrote:
| I forget where this one came from.
|
| How did the programmer die in the shower?
|
| 'Lather, rinse, repeat'
| _kst_ wrote:
| At an SF convention party, someone said, "To be or not to be".
|
| I replied "equals FF".
| raphyjake wrote:
| An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
|
| The first mathematician orders a beer.
|
| The second orders half a beer.
|
| "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies.
|
| "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2.
|
| "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks.
| "That's ridiculous."
|
| "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to
| collect an infinite number of us? Just play along".
|
| "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't
| serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
|
| "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end
| of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when
| you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
|
| "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender.
|
| "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be
| familiar with such advanced mathematics".
|
| "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in
| like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are
| advanced mathematics?"
|
| "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
|
| Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out
| pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is
| bellowing insects of a different shade.
|
| The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS"
| it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC
| PLANET WITH MALARIA"
|
| The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But
| wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians
| will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free
| healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
|
| The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're
| right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not
| attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they
| vanish.
|
| A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know
| that that would work?"
|
| "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors
| formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
| froh wrote:
| So the _programmers_ joke here is the silent nod to jamie
| zawinski, as a maths savvy guy who is bartending?
|
| https://www.jwz.org/about.html
| mkl wrote:
| Don't click this link, copy and paste it. JWZ redirects
| clicks from HN.
| Grebbles wrote:
| How exactly does a redirect like that work? I didn't know
| links provided context when loading the subsequent page.
| ayewo wrote:
| The web server was configured to check the referrer.
| If (referrer === 'https://news.ycombinator.com') {
| // show offensive pic of male genitalia }
| kroltan wrote:
| Or click it too! It's pretty hilarious
| CGamesPlay wrote:
| I feel like this is every corny maths joke all rolled into one.
| Very creative.
| barakados wrote:
| Hey, it's not cool to steal jokes from /r/antiantijokes. I am a
| mod there (as evident from my username), and don't appreciate
| this. The joke is hilarious though.
| [deleted]
| 0-_-0 wrote:
| Joke piracy is rampant these days...
| [deleted]
| raphyjake wrote:
| I had no idea where this was from. Sadly the guy who sent it
| to me didn't tell me the joke was under copyright
| Judgmentality wrote:
| > Hey, it's not cool to steal jokes from /r/antiantijokes.
|
| When is it okay to repeat a joke from the internet and when
| is it not?
| edoceo wrote:
| Always and Never, at the same time.
| some_random wrote:
| so many poor poor redditors are going to have trouble feeding
| their children because of this tragic joke piracy ;(
| kchr wrote:
| Are you saying you've never told a joke without knowing (or
| mentioning) the source...?
| bigdict wrote:
| I want to hear Norm Macdonald tell this joke.
| ulucs wrote:
| An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar, where a
| beer costs 3$.
|
| The first mathematician orders a beer.
|
| The second mathematician orders two beers.
|
| The third mathematician orders three beers.
|
| "Oh, I see where this is going" says the bartender and pays a
| quarter to the first mathematician. "This should cover your
| check, then."
| paraknight wrote:
| Can you explain?
| 9000 wrote:
| It's referencing a theorem from string theory, as discussed
| in this Numberphile video:
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-I6XTVZXww
|
| The catch is that this isn't valid in what we consider
| standard mathematics, and you can find many discussions of
| this online, but this one is fairly short and
| straightforward:
| http://curiouscheetah.com/BlogMath/infinity-and-string-
| theor...
| dmlerner wrote:
| 1 + 2 + 3 + ... = -1/12 total beers
|
| -1/12 beers * $3 / beer = -$0.25
|
| negative -> pay them for taking the beer
|
| The -1/12 result is pretty widely known, but not
| particularly true. It's called "analytic continuation."
| There's a nonrigorous proof that's accessible at a
| highschool level - see [here](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki
| /1_%2B_2_%2B_3_%2B_4_%2B_%E2%8B...)
|
| Delightfully, this comes up in string theory, in computing
| the dimensionality of spacetime.
| duffmancd wrote:
| The sum of all positive integers can be somewhat described
| as negative one twelfth:
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-d9mgo8FGk
| smolder wrote:
| Is this an antijoke or did I just need to know where it's
| going, like the bartender? Maybe the bartender is confused?
| evanb wrote:
| This joke relies on the listener knowing that the
| regularized sum of 1+2+3+... = -1/12.
| enriquto wrote:
| That's what makes it funny!
| Thorondor wrote:
| The joke is that the Ramanujan sum of 1 + 2 + 3 + 4 + ...
| is equal to -1/12, so the check should be $3 * -1/12 =
| minus one quarter. [0]
|
| [0]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1_%2B_2_%2B_3_%2B_4_%2B_
| %E2%8B...
| smolder wrote:
| Thanks, that's a bit of math trivia I either forgot or
| never learned.
| whoisburbansky wrote:
| The "you learn limits in like, 9th grade" comment reminds me of
| this one:
|
| Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the
| second that the average person knows very little about basic
| mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most
| people can cope with a reasonable amount of math. The first
| mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the
| second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few
| minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over
| and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x
| cubed.
|
| She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"?
|
| He repeats "one third x cubed".
|
| She says, "one thir dex cuebd"?
|
| Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off
| mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd...".
|
| The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove
| his point, that most people do know something about basic math.
| He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the
| first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress
| and asks "what is the integral of x squared?".
|
| The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away,
| turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant!"
| StavrosK wrote:
| I don't get it :( Did she know the answer? Then why the
| confusion at the start?
| [deleted]
| OJFord wrote:
| Yeah that does push it a bit, but the joke is that she
| didn't understand what he was talking about with the
| 'onethirdxcubed', mis-parsing it without context. But when
| asked the integral, she knew the answer; not because she'd
| been told.
| vram22 wrote:
| Then it could also almost be a joke about parsing and
| context-free grammars or such.
| StavrosK wrote:
| Ahh, thank you, that makes sense.
| randcraw wrote:
| The version of the joke I'd heard doesn't include the
| waitress' attempt to meaninglessly memorize the answer.
| She simply nods when initially tutored, then later
| surprises both mathematicians that "an average person"
| knows how to properly solve an integration problem
| without any help.
| StavrosK wrote:
| I think that's a better version/telling.
| dvfjsdhgfv wrote:
| > ask the blonde waitress an integral
|
| I know this is a fun thread, but in real life you could have
| serious problems if you tell this kind of jokes.
|
| To my fellow downvoters: I hate it as much as you do.
| [deleted]
| OJFord wrote:
| Did you stop reading then? Because the actual joke is that
| even the guy that thought the average person numerate
| stereotyped her as dumb and was wrong.
|
| An absurd example of a 'blonde joke' to object to if you're
| going to.
| dvfjsdhgfv wrote:
| That's my very point: there are people who will find it
| offensive neverheless.
| littlestymaar wrote:
| You didn't understand the joke did you?
| selestify wrote:
| Agreed. Although it should be fine if you know your
| audience and redact only as needed.
| polytely wrote:
| Seems very unlikely? This joke is obviously punching up
| instead of punching down. Feel like a lot of people worried
| about cancel culture have some kind of bogeyman in their
| head that doesn't reflect reality at all.
|
| Even if that wasn't the case: the niche nature of the joke
| protects you against global outrage
| dvfjsdhgfv wrote:
| I wish it was a bogeyman. The Donglegate happened because
| someone _overheard_ a joke between two friends. Then
| people have been fired. I 'm very, very careful about
| every joke I tell and who is around.
| yholio wrote:
| Well, the joke is a play on those gender stereotypes, the
| blonde waitress clearly knows much more then even the
| optimistic mathematician expects. The butt of the joke here
| is the university system and the jobs market.
| dvfjsdhgfv wrote:
| That's true, but frankly, would you tell this joke during
| a conference? Personally, I'd prefer not to, even if it
| was relevant.
| frabert wrote:
| The joke is an explicit rejection of that particular trope,
| though.
| wruza wrote:
| I think the idea is that the one who would feel offended
| by this joke, could also only see the trope and not the
| fact it was rejected. And if you dare to explain it, you
| automagically end up in a deadlock.
|
| It also unlocks the tactic "I will play dumb for a while
| so you don't feel too smart anymore". If you want to
| continue to do good, don't open up for stupid attacks --
| politics 101.
| mkl wrote:
| I prefer snappier versions of the first half, like:
|
| An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first
| says, "Give me a beer." The second says, "I'll have a half a
| beer." The third says, "A quarter of a beer, please." The
| bartender pours two beers and says, "Come on, people. Know your
| limits."
|
| Copy-pasted from https://owlcation.com/stem/Worst-Math-Jokes-
| and-Math-Puns, but there are many similar versions.
| johnchristopher wrote:
| Ohoooo, that was a nice one !
| elwell wrote:
| > and with that, they vanish.
|
| I feel like that was the most hilarious part, and the joke
| could have ended there as like an anti-joke of sorts. I like
| how crazy it got with the "FOOLS" part. Unexpected...
| athriren wrote:
| this has levels.
| refulgentis wrote:
| 90% through I reached for the flag button, 2 seconds later, I'm
| weeping. Thank you
| MrPatan wrote:
| This is HN, I'm going to kill a joke instead:
|
| There is the classic:
|
| There are only two hard problems in computer science: Cache
| invalidation, naming things... and off-by-one errors!
|
| Ha ha ha
|
| I hate this joke. It takes one of the most insightful things ever
| said about the profession, makes it into a joke that isn't even
| that good, and now the only thing you rememebr about it is the
| punchline.
|
| Let's break it down:
|
| - Cache invalidation: State management! Distributed systems! This
| really gets to the core of what's hard. This is _the_ only
| technical problem. For everything else you will have all the
| information you need at hand and it 's a matter of getting the
| machine to do your bidding.
|
| - Naming things: Communication! Dealing with people, whether it's
| you in the future or somebody else in the present is not a
| technical problem, but it is an even more important problem. It's
| unsolved. You will need to practice, think, fail, try more, and
| it's not even guaranteed to succeed. People are like that. It's a
| hard problem.
|
| So there you have it. Probably the most insightful thing said
| about our job in less than fifteen words, and if you hear it, the
| "joke" immediately makes you think about the punchline, robbing
| you of the opportunity of reflecting about it.
| forgotmypw17 wrote:
| But what about cache invalidation?
| marcus_holmes wrote:
| I like to think it's more insightful with the joke, because
| there's always some problem that you weren't expecting.
| yread wrote:
| ...er you forgot the off-by-one errors!
| cypherpunks01 wrote:
| What did the girl function say to the boy function?
|
| I just don't see this recursion going anywhere, we keep having
| the same arguments. Please don't call me anymore.
| TheRealDevonMcC wrote:
| A programmer, an engineer, and a physicist are in adjacent hotel
| rooms. Each has a pitcher of water beside the bed. A fire starts
| in the wastepaper basket in each room.
|
| The physicist wakes up, sees the fire, estimates exactly how much
| water is needed to put it out, and pours exactly that amount from
| the pitcher, dousing the flames.
|
| The engineer wakes up, sees the fire, pours the entire pitcher of
| water on it, then refills the pitcher and douses it again to be
| safe.
|
| The programmer wakes up, sees the fire, sees the pitcher of
| water, decides it's a solvable problem, and goes back to sleep.
| StavrosK wrote:
| I know it with "The mathematician's bin was full, so he lit it
| on fire, reducing the problem to one with a known solution".
| beervirus wrote:
| Makes more sense with a mathematician than a programmer.
| saagarjha wrote:
| The programmer looks online for documentation on how to use
| the water, finds it too complicated, dumps the water out the
| window, then dumps the contents of the wastebasket out after
| it. Seeing the fire gone the programmer later goes on to give
| a conference talk about the importance of a good throwing arm
| in fire safety.
| el_benhameen wrote:
| I chuckled at the original, but yours really got me. I feel
| seen.
| vharuck wrote:
| Variant I heard, had a physicist, engineer, and mathematician
| sharing a room.
|
| The first two wastepaper basket fires were taken care of the
| same ways by the physicist and engineer.
|
| Then a third fire appears, but on the curtains. The
| mathematician says he'll take care of it, so the others go back
| to sleep. The mathematician removes the curtains, puts them in
| the wastepaper basket, and says, "Now it's a solved problem."
| He then goes back to sleep.
| timdiller wrote:
| The programmer sets two cups on his nightstand, one full of water
| in case he gets thirsty, the other empty, in case he doesn't.
| maerF0x0 wrote:
| This is not exactly a joke, but these seem relatively on topic as
| humor:
|
| Monzy - Kill Dash Nine
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fow7iUaKrq4
|
| Googlers - Write in go
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJvEIjRBSDA
| mr-wendel wrote:
| Jesus and Satan are having a programming contest to decide who
| gets to be God's right-hand man.
|
| The time limit is one day to create an Earth simulator. They
| begin, and both furiously code away without taking any breaks.
| Near the end of the day, there is a power outage and their
| computers are shut off.
|
| Power is quickly restored. Satan is aghast! "I lost all my work",
| he exclaims.
|
| Jesus just smiles, types few commands, and continues coding where
| he left off... because everyone knows: Jesus saves.
| avmich wrote:
| A doctor, an architect and a programmer talk about their
| professions. "Mine is the oldest", says the doctor, "as everybody
| knows God created Eve from the rib of Adam, and that's definitely
| a medical operation". "Right", says the architect, "but in fact
| architect is even older - it's definitely an architectural
| project to create the world from chaos". At this point programmer
| kicks back in the chair and gives friends a mysterious look.
| "Who, do you think, created the chaos?"
| jcstauffer wrote:
| As others mentioned, I've also heard this as a lawyer taking
| claim from the chaos.
|
| I also heard this from a friend that heard it from Ronald
| Reagan, who claimed it was his favorite joke.
| bigdict wrote:
| You win this thread. All high quality jokes.
| avmich wrote:
| All not mine, and definitely old - but we're a big bunch,
| there are lots of programmers, and not everybody heard them
| :) .
| stevage wrote:
| I always heard this with a lawyer at the end.
| DoofusOfDeath wrote:
| The joke's context is Genesis chapters 1-2, so it wouldn't
| make sense to include a lawyer. Satan only shows up in
| chapter 3.
| Sebb767 wrote:
| Read that one a long time ago:
|
| Each program has at least one big. Also, a program can always be
| shortened by a line. Therefore, every program can be shortened to
| a single line that doesn't work.
|
| Also:
|
| Why do Java programmers wear glasses?
|
| Because they can't C# ;)
| ThrustVectoring wrote:
| Three logisticians just finished dinner, and the waitress comes
| up and asks "do y'all want dessert?"
|
| The first logistician says "I don't know." The second also says
| "I don't know." The last says "yes, we would."
| austinl wrote:
| I've heard another variant of this joke:
|
| A friend asks a programmer if they'd like to go bowling or go
| to the movies.
|
| The programmer answers: "Yes".
| Cthulhu_ wrote:
| obligatory reddit link: https://www.reddit.com/r/inclusiveor
| tasuki wrote:
| That's... not another variant of that joke?
| rnotaro wrote:
| One is about "Or" statements and the other is about "And"
| statements.
|
| All three logisticians needs to be "true/yes" and the first
| one didn't know about the two others so the logistician
| says "I don't know". If he didn't wanted dessert, he would
| have said "no".
|
| Same thing for the second logistician.
|
| The last logistician was able to say "yes, we would."
| because none of the other logistician said "no". Therefore,
| they all wanted dessert.
| ReptileMan wrote:
| They ask Lemmy Kilminster whether he likes more beer or
| women. He answers yes.
| YeGoblynQueenne wrote:
| No - " _hell_ yes ". In fact, "Hell _yeah_ ".
|
| It's Lemmy Kilminster, right?
| BerislavLopac wrote:
| I always found it funny how, in human language, when we say
| "or" we actually mean XOR, and had to invent "and/or" to be
| clear when we mean OR...
| mrec wrote:
| "Logician". A logistician is someone who deals with logistics.
| onionisafruit wrote:
| No. A logician is a lounge act that saws a log in half.
| [deleted]
| dhagz wrote:
| That's a boring act.
| quickthrower2 wrote:
| Nice this is my favourite so far!
| tandr wrote:
| Would you be kind and explain this joke please?
| dvfjsdhgfv wrote:
| First of all, the joke makes no sense if you put a
| logistician instead of logician. Second, if you ask one
| person a question related to the opinions of all others,
| logically they can't answer yes or no, the only possible
| answer is "I don't know." Only when you reach the last
| person you have a chance of giving a definite answer.
|
| Note the first logicians have to answer "I don't know" even
| if they don't wan't it, otherwise their statement becomes
| untrue.
| rimliu wrote:
| > Note the first logicians have to answer "I don't know"
| > even if they don't wan't it, otherwise their statement
| > becomes untrue.
|
| No. "A && B && C" is only true when all three are true.
| If A knows it does not want, they can answer "no",
| because there is no way "ALL want" is true in that case.
| dvfjsdhgfv wrote:
| Correct. I missed "all" in the joke.
| spost wrote:
| The waitress asked if they would ALL like dessert. If the
| first logician did NOT want dessert, then they could safely
| answer "no", because then it would not be the case that ALL
| of the logicians want dessert. Since they do not answer no,
| we can assume they do want dessert. The same follows for
| the second logician. The third (who also wants dessert) has
| heard their colleagues answer, and knows that if either of
| them did not want dessert they would have answered no, and
| can therefore now answer "yes, we would all like dessert".
| tandr wrote:
| thank you!
| [deleted]
| [deleted]
| billpg wrote:
| The first two logisticians, each being a flawed human capable
| of error, might have answered "I don't know" despite not
| wanting dessert.
| [deleted]
| vulcan01 wrote:
| Forgive me for my ignorance, but I don't really understand this
| joke...
|
| Is it something to do with the first 2 not knowing the
| preference of the others?
|
| EDIT: never mind, this was also posted later in the thread and
| there's an explanation there.
| hirundo wrote:
| If either of them didn't want dessert they would know that
| not all of them wanted dessert.
| haihaibye wrote:
| Yes. If they personally didn't want it, they'd say "no". As
| they're uncertain about the others, they say they don't know.
|
| Then the final person knows the others all want yes, and
| personally wants yes, so says yes.
|
| It's like lazy evaluation of booleans in if statements.
| [deleted]
| krapp wrote:
| I don't have the joke, only the lame punch-line:
|
| "Compiler? I don't even _know_ her! "
|
| Badum bum.
| pjm331 wrote:
| Part of a long proud lineage of terrible jokes. When asked for
| a tissue my dad would always say: "tissue? I barely know you!"
| dunreith wrote:
| A SQL developer walks into a bar. He walks to two tables in the
| back and asks, "mind if I join you?"
| yccs27 wrote:
| /* No comment */
| 0atman wrote:
| There are only two hard problems in computer science:
|
| 2. Correct-ordering of messages
|
| 1. Exact-once delivery
|
| 2. Correct ordering of messages
|
| This is my favourite variation of the form documented by Fowler
| here https://www.martinfowler.com/bliki/TwoHardThings.html
| penguin_booze wrote:
| What's a Microsoft Product that doesn't suck?
|
| Their vacuum cleaner!
| pb82 wrote:
| There are only 10 kinds of people in the world: those who
| understand binary and those who don't.
| gmiller123456 wrote:
| I was going to post a joke about UDP, but I don't know if you'd
| get it.
| [deleted]
| dharmatech wrote:
| What did the error-correcting RAM say to the buggy Pentium chip?
|
| BOOLSHIT!
| lostlogin wrote:
| A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving
| over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was
| getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the
| corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved
| them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure
| they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape
| lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a
| halt. The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the
| brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work
| out why they failed". The engineer said "I think I've got a few
| spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out
| what's wrong". The programmer said "Why don't we get going again
| and see if it's reproducible?"
|
| Slightly over analysed thread at:
| https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2wf5ge/a_mechanical_...
| brobdingnagians wrote:
| Love this one. I've heard a variant where the programmer
| suggests pushing it back up the mountain to reproduce it.
| [deleted]
| patal wrote:
| The Steve Yegge article: "Execution in the Kingdom of Nouns"
| serves basically as a Java joke story.
|
| http://steve-yegge.blogspot.com/2006/03/execution-in-kingdom...
| mfkp wrote:
| https://old.reddit.com/r/programmerhumor
|
| (Sort by top for some good ones)
| jaredwiener wrote:
| Knock knock.
|
| Who's th--
|
| RACE CONDITION.
| anonymou2 wrote:
| A computer programmer is found dead in the shower. Next to him
| there is a bottle of shampoo, with the instructions: Apply,
| rinse, repeat.
| gok wrote:
| C programmer is bartending. Someone says "get me a double
| whiskey, plus a root beer"
|
| Drinks arrive, customer asks: "hey why is there ice cream in
| this?"
|
| "I had to make it to a root beer float when you added it to the
| double"
| twic wrote:
| There isn't any significance to the fact that it's a root beer,
| right? That was slightly distracting. I wonder if this would be
| cleaner if it was a 7-up.
|
| Do people make 7-up floats?
| adrianmonk wrote:
| Yes. Try a 7-up or Sprite with lime sherbet.
| code_duck wrote:
| Coke floats, yes. Haven't encountered 7-up.
| HPsquared wrote:
| Root beer should be a float regardless, in case beer isn't a
| perfect square.
| jasoneckert wrote:
| Which US state should any foreign developer visit first?
|
| Maine.
| cm2187 wrote:
| Self-confidence, as a programmer, is when starting a new project,
| storing the transaction ID in an int64 rather than an int32.
| anotherevan wrote:
| RT @HackerNewsOnion: California has ruled it illegal to conceal a
| company's JIRA subscription for the purpose of attracting
| engineers.
| chrisbennet wrote:
| Security is "S" in IOT.
| avmich wrote:
| Remember that "S" in "IoT" stands for "Security".
| m463 wrote:
| Here is a list by hash (or crc or broken link, or <correct-
| analogy-here>)
|
| ... Everybody knows "Jesus saves."
|
| ... Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand
|
| ... It just needs a good text editor.
|
| ... Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
|
| ... All they do is sit on the bed and tell their spouses how good
| it's going to be.
|
| ... They haven't had any gigs yet.
|
| ... "Please excuse my friend, he's not null terminated."
|
| ... Profanity.
|
| ... At which point the genie responds, "Uh, let me see that map
| again."
|
| ... None. They just declare darkness the standard.
|
| ... The programmer says "Let's just get out and get back in
| again."
| closeparen wrote:
| A Markov chain trained on CS textbooks and the Bible.
|
| https://kingjamesprogramming.tumblr.com/
| markvdb wrote:
| 5:5 And, behold, I will deliver you up to the programmer
| tendency to build overelaborate castles of abstractions.
| alexeldeib wrote:
| thoroughly enjoyed https://thedoomthatcametopuppet.tumblr.com/
| linked from that page, same idea (same person?)
| archi42 wrote:
| Working on the lower levels, I have to wholeheartedly agree:
|
| > Depart ye; it is unclean; thou shalt burn it in the place of
| Tophet, because of all the machine registers
| plekter wrote:
| Some of these are pure gold!
|
| "2:4 And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and
| more like a controlled use of shared memory."
| kodah wrote:
| > 25:34 But the field of computer science and AI research. All
| attracted bright people who contributed great things to the
| church
|
| The Church of Skynet demands sacrifice
| throw-away_42 wrote:
| A masterpiece of programming comedy:
| https://www.destroyallsoftware.com/talks/wat
| anotherevan wrote:
| "A full-stack developer is one who can add technical debt to any
| layer of the application."
| avmich wrote:
| Boy: dad, what will be "two by two equals four"? Programmer:
| true, my son.
| _threads wrote:
| My favorite one : how many devs does it take to change a bulb ?
|
| They can't, it's an hardware issue
| grumdan wrote:
| Programming-related humor is pretty tricky. I once told a UDP
| joke, but nobody got it..
| pickle-wizard wrote:
| A woman texts her husband "While you're at the store, buy eggs"
|
| To this day he is still buying eggs.
| anotherevan wrote:
| RT @iamdevloper: I think I've had milk last longer than some
| JavaScript frameworks.
| cantsingh wrote:
| Not strictly programming, but:
|
| An SEO consultant walks into a bar, pub, speakeasy, drinking
| hall, club.
| quickthrower2 wrote:
| I don't follow...
| JimWestergren wrote:
| Remove the link condom.
| a_e_k wrote:
| Spamming keywords
| sbierwagen wrote:
| Why do programmers always confuse Halloween and Christmas?
| Because OCT 31 = DEC 25
| pupdogg wrote:
| A friend of mine is in a band called 1023MB. They haven't had a
| gig yet.
| elwell wrote:
| That bites, it doesn't make sense in a bit.
| helph67 wrote:
| Definition of Recursion:- see Recursion
| musicale wrote:
| Loop, Infinite: see Infinite Loop
|
| Infinite Loop: see Loop, Infinite
| Silhouette wrote:
| recursion, n. See _tail recursion_.
|
| tail recursion, n. See _tail recursion_.
| billfruit wrote:
| Not exactly a programmer joke:
|
| Airport security caught a statistician try to sneak in a bomb in
| his baggage. The aprehened him and question him why he has a bomb
| with him:
|
| "I calculated the probability that a flight will carry two bombs
| on board, and it is never likely to happen, so I brought one
| along."
| AGivant wrote:
| Why programmers mistake Halloween with Christmas? Because Oct 31=
| Dec 25
| _rohan wrote:
| Q: If Spider-Man and Wonder Woman founded a company, what would
| it be? A: Amazon Web Services
| zem wrote:
| older joke along the same lines: what do you get if you cross
| lee iacocca and dracula?
|
| autoexec.bat!
| rramadass wrote:
| Ha, ha!
| BerislavLopac wrote:
| A programmer is getting ready to go buy groceries, and his wife
| tells him: "Buy a butter. If they have eggs, buy ten."
|
| A little later he returns from the shop, carrying ten butters.
| "Yes dear, they had eggs."
| bronzecarnage wrote:
| I'm a little late, but here goes.
|
| How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| (None. It's a hardware problem)
| anotherevan wrote:
| RT @HackerNewsOnion: Developer accused of unreadable code refuses
| to comment.
| avmich wrote:
| Boy: dad, why the sun rises on the east and sets on the west?
| Programmer: did you see that? Boy: yes, I did. Programmer: does
| it always works? Boy: yes. Programmer: don't touch anything.
| Cyberspy wrote:
| I actually bought this T-shirt for my daughter.It said:
|
| !false It's funny, because it's true!
| [deleted]
| tuxychandru wrote:
| What is the collective noun for programmers?
|
| Merge conflict.
| DamnInteresting wrote:
| So close...it should be "What is the collective noun for
| 'programmer'?"
| skinkestek wrote:
| DevopsBorat on Twitter used to be funny (it is now replaced with
| spam).
|
| But when it still was up the last joke there was along the lines
| of: "at work we introduced gamification, three strikes and you
| are out".
| winterismute wrote:
| I've got an old one, not really however focused on programming.
|
| <<A physicist, a computer scientist and a mathematician find
| themselves in prison. They all brag to each other that thanks to
| their superior knowledge, they will manage to escape relatively
| soon, and decide to bet they will be all out by one month. In the
| following month, the phyisicist gathers leftofers from meals,
| steals a few products from the janitors, and manages to assemble
| a corrosive substance that breaks the bars of his cell. He is out
| in 3 weeks. The computer scientist uses his weekly phonecalls to
| hack into the prison system, little by little. He manages to set
| the bars of his cell to open automatically right on the night of
| the 30th day, when he escapes. Out of his cell, he decides to go
| and check on his friends: the physicist is gone, instead the
| mathematician is dead in his cell in front of a long text on a
| wall which starts with "Proof: I will escape from prison.
| Reductio ad absurdum: let's assume I am already out of the
| prison...">>
| elwell wrote:
| Foo walks into a bar...
| redmattred wrote:
| I have a bunch up at https://www.codepuns.com
|
| So a programming language walks into a bar and says "hello world"
| whoisburbansky wrote:
| When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
| ingojoseph wrote:
| A SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables, walks up to
| them and says 'Can I join you?'
| anotherevan wrote:
| RT @bradneuberg: Moore's Law giveth, JavaScript taketh away.
| alisonkisk wrote:
| Original version: what Intel giveth, Microsoft taketh away.
| avmich wrote:
| What Andy giveth, Bill taketh away.
| mijoharas wrote:
| A physicist, a mathematician and a programmer are in a car
| driving on a windy mountain path. All of a sudden as they round a
| corner, the brakes fail. After a few terrifying moments, the car
| skids to a halt and they emerged unscathed.
|
| The physicist thinks for a second, and says "It must be the lower
| pressure due to the air, it's made some of our brake fluid
| evaporate, we should get some more brake fluid before we get back
| in the car." The mathematician says "No if we calculate the rate
| of a evaporation we'd never lose that much. It must be a leak in
| the lines. We should fix the leak before we get back in" The
| programmer says "Let's get back in the car and see if it's
| reproducible."
| [deleted]
| dboreham wrote:
| Math joke:
|
| Always take care you don't get Descartes before Deshorse.
| jjgreen wrote:
| How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| :- False
| z5h wrote:
| This is my GOTO programming joke.
| piinbinary wrote:
| Can Prolog be used to create AI?
|
| :- No.
| arthurcolle wrote:
| Haha this one is great
| anotherevan wrote:
| "The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a
| programmer is doing until it's too late." -- Seymour Cray
| canjobear wrote:
| Syntactic sugar leads to cancer of the semicolon
| emme wrote:
| By Alan Perlis
| BerislavLopac wrote:
| What is the difference between a junior and a senior programmer?
|
| The junior thinks that a kilobyte has 1000 bytes; a senior thinks
| that a kilometre has 1024 metres.
| firefoxd wrote:
| Then I'll happily introduce you to https://bar.com
| goatcode wrote:
| Why do programmers wear costumes to Christmas parties? Because
| DEC 25 = OCT 31.
| arthurcolle wrote:
| Damn 0o31 actually does equal 25, that's great. Evidence of
| simulation theory, clearly ;)
| nickburlett wrote:
| DEC WARS is full of great computer jokes. It's a 1983 Usenet
| posting by Alan Hastings and Steve Tarr:
| https://www.bsd.org/decwars.html
|
| > It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a
| hidden directory, have won their first victory against the evil
| Administrative Empire. During the battle, User spies managed to
| steal secret source code to the Empire's ultimate program: the
| Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with enough power to
| destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
| sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0: races aboard her shell
| script, custodian of the stolen listings that could save her
| people, and restore freedom and games to the network...
| [deleted]
| yupomfra wrote:
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|
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| AlexITC wrote:
| What's the jira ticket that even non-programmers are aware of?
| COVID-19
| mindcrime wrote:
| Not exactly programming per-se, but cute:
|
| A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software
| engineer from Microsoft are in a car together, driving to a
| conference. They start down a hill when the brakes give out and
| they crash into a tree at the bottom of the hill. Luckily no one
| is seriously injured, and they set out to figure out what
| happened. The mechanical engineer examines the car and says "I
| believe a brake line was over-pressured and burst, causing the
| crash." The electrical engineer looks and say "No, I think it was
| a short-circuit in the anti-lock braking system." The Microsoft
| guy stays quiet, so the other two look at him and ask "What do
| you think happened?" He looks up and say "I don't know, but let's
| push the car back to the top of the hill and try again."
|
| ---
|
| A newly wed software engineer from Microsoft and his wife are
| going to visit her family in the mountains. For some reason they
| have to travel separately and she arrives before him. After a
| while the phone rings and the new wife's dad answers. It's the
| husband. He says "Tell everybody I'll be there in 5 minutes." 35
| minutes pass and the phone rings again. The husband says "Tell
| everybody I'll be there in 2 hours." A minute later he calls
| again and says "Tell everybody I'll be there in 14 minutes." 45
| minutes later the phone rings again and the dad answers and says
| "You're the guy who designed the Windows progress bar dialog
| aren't you?"
| thayne wrote:
| I once worked on making a progress bar for a process that had a
| known number of tasks. Unfortunately not all tasks would take
| the same amount of time, and it was impossible to know the
| relative amount of time each task would take beforehand. I did
| the logical thing, and had the progress bar advance 1/nth every
| time a task completed, with an animation to make it less
| jarring. A few weeks later, the product manager came to me and
| told me I needed to make it so the progress bar kept slowly
| moving up if no tasks were completed for a certain amount of
| time, so the user would know that work was still being done.
| Fine. But what happens if the task takes so long that it goes
| past the mark for the next completed task? Well, when the task
| is actually completed, it moves backwards of course.
| knodi123 wrote:
| I made zeno's progress bar; it always keeps moving, but never
| quite finishes until you send it a :done: event, at which
| point it wastes half a second animating the remainder of the
| progress bar. Never had a single complaint, and no one
| noticed that it had nothing to do with what was going on
| under the hood.
| marcosdumay wrote:
| Like the current Windows file copy dialog, but using the
| entire bar instead of the interval between 98% and 100%?
| jolmg wrote:
| https://xkcd.com/612/
| u801e wrote:
| Al Gore may not have invented the internet, but he did come up
| with algorithms.
| hutzlibu wrote:
| I do not get that one. US-Insider?
| CGamesPlay wrote:
| > "Al Gore-ithms"
| hutzlibu wrote:
| Ah ..
| Jtsummers wrote:
| Al Gore was ridiculed for saying he invented the Internet (he
| didn't say that). The rest of the joke is playing off of that
| and then punning with his name.
| andi999 wrote:
| To be fair Gore claimed he 'took the initiative in creating
| the internet'. His choice of words were not good I think.
| Jtsummers wrote:
| If that were the only sentence in the statement, sure.
| But read the rest (which I believe you found if you can
| quote it) and it's clear what he's saying unless your
| objective is to misquote it and ridicule him.
| cgriswald wrote:
| I agree with GP. The statement made sense to Gore but not
| to the bulk of his audience. The missing context isn't in
| the words that follow. It's in understanding the role
| Gore actually took in the creation of the internet;
| specifically to be its economic, legal, and political
| champion for basically decades.
| andi999 wrote:
| "I'll be offering my vision when my campaign begins. And
| it will be comprehensive and sweeping. And I hope that it
| will be compelling enough to draw people toward it. I
| feel that it will be. But it will emerge from my dialogue
| with the American people. I've traveled to every part of
| this country during the last six years. During my service
| in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in
| creating the Internet. I took the initiative in moving
| forward a whole range of initiatives that have proven to
| be important to our country's economic growth and
| environmental protection, improvements in our educational
| system."
|
| That's what I read from Wikipedia, I do not really see
| how this changes the statement.
| imtringued wrote:
| Definitively a poor choice of words. What he really meant
| was "I funded ARPANET, the basis for the Internet"
| andi999 wrote:
| Better, but still a bit shaky. Probabl 'I refunded
| Arpanet...' (in 1991 Gore Bill). Arpanet was started in
| 1966, and he is not that old. It is clear Gore was an
| important supporter of the expansion of the internet, but
| it is hard to put it in a catchphrase with doesnt sound
| like 'first I created heaven and earth...'
| ppezaris wrote:
| Al-gore-ithms.
| rramadass wrote:
| Underappreciated; was a new one for me.
| fuzzfactor wrote:
| To explain algorithms a little more clearly to less
| mathematical students I actually introduce traditional
| logarithms in case they are not familiar, in terms that are
| easier to understand.
|
| For instance in a remote river with lumberjacks dancing on
| logjams without falling in the water, that's a type of
| logarithm at work.
|
| When Al Gore does it, that's an algorithm.
| joverholt wrote:
| An IPv6 packet walks into a bar, no one responds
| injb wrote:
| Two people are taking part in a scientific study to investigate
| people's approaches to problem solving. One of the two is an
| engineer, the other is a mathematician.
|
| The researchers set up an experiment by putting a sink, an empty
| bucket and a waste paper bin in a small room. Then they set the
| bin on fire, and call the engineer in to see how he approaches
| the problem.
|
| The engineer takes a quick look around, assesses the situation,
| and then takes the bucket, fills it with water at the sink, and
| pours it on the fire.
|
| The experiment is then set up again and repeated, this time with
| the mathematician. Like the engineer, he quickly fills the bucket
| and puts out the fire.
|
| Next, a slight variation is made to the experiment: it's the same
| as before, _except_ that the bucket is filled with water in
| advance.
|
| As before, the engineer goes first. Upon seeing the fire, and the
| bucket full of water, he pours the water on the fire without
| hesitation, and all is well. The team nod to each other and
| mumble approvingly, writing the results on their clipboards.
|
| Now it's the mathematician's turn again. The team resets the
| experiment and calls in the mathematician. He looks around at the
| situation, and sees the bucket of water, the sink and the burning
| bin. He then calmly picks up the bucket, pours the water down the
| sink, puts the bucket back down, and stands back. "There you go",
| he says, "done!".
|
| The researchers look at him, and at each other in total
| bewilderment. "What do you mean, 'done'" they ask, "the bin is
| still on fire!".
|
| "Yes", says the mathematician, "but I've reduced it to a
| previously solved problem.
| aaccount wrote:
| "I am a programmer"
| lhorie wrote:
| Apparently a true story:
|
| A guy was walking around in a Ruby conference with a shirt that
| said ":sex" (which is read "sex symbol" in Ruby). Until someone
| asked him: "I don't get it. Why colon sex?"
| dariusj18 wrote:
| C:##
| Cthulhu_ wrote:
| C:ENTER:###
|
| (album title)
| mPReDiToR wrote:
| As an Englishman, that symbol is "sharp" (or hash) which does
| two things. It makes the sex sound painful, then gives you a
| second smirk when you remember that it means "pound (PS)" in
| American.
| kcartlidge wrote:
| One possible cause of confusion in terms of a hash (#)
| being called pound (PS) in the US was that (as I recall
| even in the mid-1980s) in many cases with ASCII/EBCDIC
| character set terminals and printers the same number code
| displayed as a # in the US but as a PS (pound) in the UK
| (eg ISO646 vs BS4730, or EBCDIC 297 vs 37).
|
| So when cross-Atlantic conversations occurred the US would
| hear/read us in the UK refer to (they thought) # by the
| name pound, when we thought we were describing the actual
| pound (PS) character that we were seeing on our end.
| milkrocks wrote:
| #MeToo always felt awkward and not well thought out.
| dariusj18 wrote:
| I guess it would prevent that kind of misunderstanding if
| the joke was written "C:PSPS", but then again, the slight
| misreading I think adds to the joke when it is gotten.
| mnw21cam wrote:
| The register[1] quite conclusively determined that the
| symbol was pronounced "splat".
|
| [1] https://www.theregister.com/2002/07/04/why_microsoft_ma
| kes_a...
| amingilani wrote:
| As a Rubyist I laughed at that so hard my wife woke up. I work
| with Python on a daily basis now but I need to make a SFW
| variant and show it to the Ruby team.
| hutzlibu wrote:
| The famous cartoon on software developement:
|
| https://www.smart-jokes.org/how-it-projects-really-work.html
| sriku wrote:
| https://people.csail.mit.edu/gregs/ll1-discuss-archive-html/...
|
| A classi one by Anton van Straaten that is both funny and wise.
| zhoujianfu wrote:
| A physicist, chemist, and programmer were going to lunch
| together.
|
| When they got in the car though, it wouldn't start.
|
| "Maybe it's out of gas?" said the Chemist.
|
| "Maybe it's a problem with the engine?" said the Physicist.
|
| "Maybe if we all just get out of the car and get back in."
| avmich wrote:
| "Maybe if we all just close all windows, turn off the car, get
| out of the car and get back in."
| bryanrasmussen wrote:
| the closing of the windows suggestion is historically
| supposed to be made by a Microsoft Certified Engineer.
| sli wrote:
| The touchscreen in my car is wonky (known issue, just haven't
| bothered to fix it), so when something goes sideways with the
| Bluetooth audio, turning the car off and back on is easily
| the fastest way to get my music back.
| shimonabi wrote:
| In my car, I have to disconnect the battery when the cheap
| 30$ Chinese radio freezes.
| berkes wrote:
| I have a 37 year old car. The (classic looking) Bluetooth
| radio is by far the most complicated electronics on
| board.
|
| When I switch off the car, for safety, anti-theft and
| leaking, the battery is disconnected entirely with a key.
|
| The radio looses everything: paired devices, position of
| radio tuner, volume, BT/aux/radio mode etc. Whenever you
| start the car, you'll need to mash at least five buttons
| and knobs to either find a radio station or reconnect
| Bluetooth. Modern tech is often so smart it becomes dumb
| again.
| w0mbat wrote:
| You haven't wired it properly. If there is no constant
| power wire just run one from the battery.
| [deleted]
| the_pwner224 wrote:
| Put a toggle switch somewhere in the cabin and splice it
| between the car radio power wires and the battery. So you
| can easily reboot the radio without having to mess around
| under the hood.
| thejenk wrote:
| A push button normally closed momentary switch would be
| pretty slick too. Also it would probably be best to put
| it on the ground wire. Car radios will have at least two
| power wires, one for constant power (which keeps the
| clock set, and favourite stations programmed), and one
| switched accessory power to command it on.
|
| Then again, a new $30 radio would be slicker still.
| shimonabi wrote:
| I bought a mechanical switch that is installed on the
| negative terminal of the battery.
|
| The radio drained my battery in 2 weeks, an absolute
| horror in Covid times when the car is in "long term
| storage".
| bryanrasmussen wrote:
| must make road trips fun.
| jeffrallen wrote:
| I had a Fiat Panda where the way to get power steering back
| after it flaked out was to do that. While driving.
| mPReDiToR wrote:
| Did you ever figure out that putting the clutch in,
| turning the engine off, moving the key back to the
| running position and releasing the clutch was the easiest
| way to do it? I have had several cars I've had to do this
| in. Latest was a 2003 Vauxhall Vectra (Opel?) which
| needed this to get out of "limp mode" if you accelerated
| in 5th gear above 55mph. Ain't cars fab?
| [deleted]
| aidenn0 wrote:
| I will buy an electric car when they make one that doesn't
| require me to use a touchscreen.
| dmckeon wrote:
| A salesman, an engineer, and a programmer drive a rental car up
| Pikes Peak. On the way down, the brakes fade, and the one
| driving manages to skid to a stop in a cloud of dust at the
| edge of a precipice.
|
| The salesman wants to call for a tow truck, the engineer wants
| to try to fix the brakes, but the programmer says: "No, first
| we should drive back up and confirm that we can reproduce the
| issue."
| yetihehe wrote:
| I had a car with wonky turbo, where if you tried to push it too
| hard, turbine was disabled and you were left with very low
| power engine (but engine still worked). Briefly turning off
| ignition and turning it back on would restart turbine back to
| normal.
| [deleted]
| kaladin_1 wrote:
| #LordOfTheRings To enter the Doors of Durin: "Say mellon and
| enter"
|
| #Vim To enter external commands: "Say :! and enter"
| simon_acca wrote:
| I would tell you a joke about UDP, but you might not get it
| Hedepig wrote:
| You wouldn't care if he got it anyway
| praptak wrote:
| "Telling a programmer that there already is a library for X is
| like telling a songwriter that a song about love already exists."
| devoutsalsa wrote:
| This is a variation on a joke I heard from the nerdy comedian Don
| McMillian... [1]
|
| I used to work at JPL, and I could tell what anyone's job was by
| asking them one question... What is Pi?
|
| Ask a mathematician, and they will say "Pi is ratio of a circle's
| circumference to its circle."
|
| Ask a physicist, and they will say "Pi is 3.141592653589793."
|
| Ask an engineer, and they will say "Pi is about 3, but just to be
| safe, let's call it 4."
|
| Ask a programmer, and they will say "I'd write you a program to
| calculate that, but I don't have enough time to figure out how to
| do that quickly & precisely, and I don't feel like getting in a
| fight w/ QA over a program that approximates Pi, so what you
| probably want is the constant hardcoded into the Math library or
| something you find on Stackoverflow."
|
| Ask a manager, and they will say "When do you need to know by?"
|
| [1] Don McMillan - Greatest Charts (Volume 1) --
| https://youtu.be/LYE3GtXqDV0
| atulatul wrote:
| >Ask a mathematician, and they will say "Pi is ratio of a
| circle's circumference to its circle."
|
| its diameter.
| devoutsalsa wrote:
| Damn typo!
| mrjin wrote:
| Wife told her husband: Buy two watermelons on your way home, if
| you see eggs, buy a dozen. So the husband went home with a dozen
| watermelons.
| chrisweekly wrote:
| "What Do We Want?"
|
| "NOW!"
|
| "ASYNC FUNCTIONS!"
|
| "When Do We Want It?"
| breck wrote:
| There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
|
| Those that understand binary and those that don't.
| akeck wrote:
| There are 10 kinds of people in the world:
|
| Those that understand binary, those that don't, and those who
| weren't expecting a ternary joke.
| SAI_Peregrinus wrote:
| There are 10 kinds of people in the world:
|
| Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who
| understand that "10" can represent any number if you change
| the base.
|
| (Changing joke this to work amusingly for irrational bases
| like the golden ratio base[1] is something I haven't yet
| figured out.)
|
| [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_ratio_base
| umvi wrote:
| Pro tip: if you want to get someone a birthday card, just get
| them a card that says "10 years old!" on the front. Then use
| a sharpie to put an asterisk after the "10" and then on the
| inside of the card put: "* (in base X)", where X is how many
| years they are turning. Worked well for my 2 year old
| daughter as well as my 57 year old dad.
| tincholio wrote:
| This is not exactly a joke, and more CS than programming related,
| but it's worth the read: Lower Bounds for Probably-istic
| Polynomial Time.
| http://web.archive.org/web/20080516195038/http://cs-people.b...
| GnarfGnarf wrote:
| A physicist, a chemist and a statistician go hunting.
|
| The physicist aims his rifle at a deer, shoots, and misses six
| feet to the right.
|
| The chemist aims, shoots, and misses six feet to the left.
|
| The statistician exclaims "By golly we got him!"
| yread wrote:
| It's a bit more mathematical then programming but aren't we all
| just shitty mathematicians anyway:
|
| Little John goes to school for the first day. The teacher wants
| to assess what do the kids already know so she asks
|
| "Who knows how much is 1+2?".
|
| Little John raises his hand and says
|
| "I don't know how much is 1+2 but I do know that it's the same as
| 2+1 as addition is commutative over the monoid of natural
| numbers"
| mijoharas wrote:
| I've got a related joke.
|
| A mathematician walks into the room looking distraught. His
| wife asks him what's wrong, and he says he's worried their
| child has a learning disorder.
|
| She asks why. He says he was trying to teach their child how to
| add, but he couldn't even understand zermelo-frankael set
| theory, so there was no way he'd learn how to add numbers
| before kindergarten.
| avmich wrote:
| 10 programmers decided to make a product, One asked "Where's the
| money?", And there were 9 of them left.
|
| 9 programmers appeared before the boss One of them did not know
| FoxPro, and there were 8 of them left.
|
| 8 programmers bought IBM, One said "Mac is better!" And there are
| 7 of them left.
|
| 7 programmers wanted to read help, One of them got bad block on
| the disk, and there are 6 of them left.
|
| 6 programmers tried to understand the code, One of them went
| crazy and there are 5 of them left.
|
| 5 programmers bought a CD-ROM, One brought a Chinese disc - there
| were four left.
|
| 4 programmers worked in C, One of them praised Pascal, and there
| were 3 of them.
|
| 3 programmers on the net played DOOM, One hesitated a little, and
| the score was equal to two.
|
| 2 programmers typed together: "win" One tired of waiting for the
| download - there was only 1 left.
|
| 1 programmer took control of everything, But he met with the
| user, and there were 0 of them left.
|
| 0 programmers were scolded by an angry boss, Then he fired one,
| and it became their FF.
| wrnr wrote:
| Nock nock, who's there? ... ... ... Java
| seer wrote:
| Not exactly programming jocks, more like tech jokes, but I
| remember http://bash.org/?top to be an amazing source of humor
| back when I had my first steps as a techie 15 years ago
|
| Also a more long form source of funny developer anecdotes was
| https://thedailywtf.com/
| taspeotis wrote:
| Knock knock
|
| Who's there?
|
| _long pause_
|
| Java
| bjoli wrote:
| What do we want?
|
| GARBAGE COLLECTION!
|
| When do we want it?
|
| ...
|
| ...
|
| NOW!
| real-dino wrote:
| Friend: Congratulations on the child, is it a boy or a girl?
|
| Programmer: Yes.
| tppiotrowski wrote:
| Two engineers are attempting to measure the height of a pole in
| the ground but as they extend their tape measure towards the sky
| it keeps collapsing. A mathematician walks by and asks what they
| are doing and they say they're trying to figure out the height.
| The mathematician pulls the pole out of the ground and lays it
| down. He measures it and says "It's 16 feet". As he's walking
| away one engineer shakes his head and says, "Mathematicians...you
| ask them for the height and they give you the length!"
| AnimalMuppet wrote:
| #ifdef GET_A_HEARING_AID
|
| (From the Bad C Pun Contest, 1992, C/C++ User's Journal. I've
| never forgotten it.)
| tj-teej wrote:
| A boy and a girl are sitting next to each other in a Java
| Computer Science class.
|
| The boy reaches over and starts going through the girls purse.
|
| The girl says: "Hey! That's private!"
|
| The boy replies: "But we're in the same class!"
| drran wrote:
| C programmer vs Java programmer
|
| -- Your Java is slow!
|
| -- This is because it is written in C!
| musicale wrote:
| C++:
|
| Friends can access each other's private members in a public
| class.
| yongjik wrote:
| > Kubernetes is an Ancient Greek word meaning "More containers
| than customers."
|
| https://twitter.com/srbaker/status/1002286820078571532
| guiriduro wrote:
| Brilliant.
| rangibaby wrote:
| Windows ME
| hulitu wrote:
| Starting Windows ...
| gmfawcett wrote:
| Two programmers walk up to the bar. The first one orders a beer.
| "Sure. And for you?" says the bartender to the second one. The
| second programmer replies, "Thanks, I'll have a"
|
| The bartender waits a minute for him to finish. He asks the first
| one, "What's wrong with your friend?" The programmer replies,
| "He's a Haskell programmer. He's waiting for you to bring him his
| drink before he finishes ordering it."
| imvetri wrote:
| Why programmer gets a raise? Because he likes arrays.
| [deleted]
| breck wrote:
| The 2 problems you can never completely eliminate in your code
| are the need for tests, suboptimal names, and off by one errors.
| jkingsbery wrote:
| The way I heard this (https://twitter.com/codinghorror/status/5
| 06010907021828096?l...) was "There are two hard problems in
| computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off by
| one errors."
|
| Still good though.
| smcameron wrote:
| These are both old, like me:
|
| There's a new object-oriented version of COBOL. It's called "Add
| 1 to COBOL".
|
| (Carbon dates back to the ancient time when C++ was basically
| object oriented C, so like, 1988 or so.)
|
| Here's one for the increasingly elderly people who prefer C over
| C++. "Whoever invented C++ doesn't know the difference between
| increment and excrement." (Best said in a cranky old man voice at
| an appropriate moment whilst battling a bug in some big C++
| source base. Yeah, I know who Bjarne Stroustrup is. It's funnier
| with "whoever".)
| [deleted]
| chrisbennet wrote:
| !false
|
| It's funny because it's true.
| JoeAltmaier wrote:
| Professor: "Computer Science is to Math as sex is to
| masturbation"
|
| Student: "Do you mean both are good but one is ultimately empty?"
|
| Professor: "No, I mean you will spend most of undergrad doing
| math"
| zxcvbn4038 wrote:
| How many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb?
|
| Fifteen. Five to do it, and ten to write document number
| GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility,
| of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
| left blank".
| jwalton wrote:
| How many prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
| no
| kabdib wrote:
| How many IBM 360s does it take to execute a job?
|
| Three: Two to hold it down, one to cut its head off.
| dwd wrote:
| Make that at least 17 when you count the employee + lawyer who
| file the patent.
| atq2119 wrote:
| The best thing about NaN jokes is that they're all different.
| GnarfGnarf wrote:
| Two elderly women are talking. One of them admits after marrying
| three times, she's still a virgin.
|
| "How is that possible?" asks her friend.
|
| "Well, the first one was too old and couldn't do it. The second
| was gay and wouldn't do it".
|
| "The third one was a computer salesman and all he did was sit on
| the edge of the bed telling me how great it was going to be."
|
| (From the 70's days of the million-dollar mainframes)
| ghego1 wrote:
| Then she married a lawyer and finally she got fu**d
| drakudo wrote:
| Who's here still remembers protoLOL? https://protolol.com/
| jaytaylor wrote:
| "I once went to an ARP restaurant. Thank god I didn't eat the
| food! It was poisoned.."
| slightwinder wrote:
| None
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