[HN Gopher] The unsettling truth about the 'Mostly Harmless' hiker
       ___________________________________________________________________
        
       The unsettling truth about the 'Mostly Harmless' hiker
        
       Author : spking
       Score  : 254 points
       Date   : 2021-01-15 16:00 UTC (7 hours ago)
        
 (HTM) web link (www.wired.com)
 (TXT) w3m dump (www.wired.com)
        
       | ChuckMcM wrote:
       | Okay, this quote stood out -- _"He was a crazy good coder. Except
       | he would always code everything the hardest way possible, kind of
       | like you hired Rembrandt to paint your bathroom. You know it is
       | going to be lit, but over the top."_
       | 
       | A good read and a good reminder that people are always much more
       | complex than we think. I wonder sometimes if by being exposed so
       | often to fairly flat depictions of characters in movies and on TV
       | if folks forget that. I know I do sometimes.
        
         | KMag wrote:
         | It's hard to say from a single quote from a single person. I
         | dare say most developers confuse difficult with complex.[0] His
         | coding style may have been brutally simple, even if that meant
         | very hard. He also could have been a bad programmer.
         | 
         | I often take a look at a problem from multiple perspectives in
         | order to try and find ways of minimizing the number of special
         | cases or minimizing the number of states in the (perhaps
         | implicit) finite state machine. This is often harder than just
         | gut-feeling my way through the most intuitive ad-hoc coding
         | solution.
         | 
         | For instance, if something has an optional timeout, I strongly
         | prefer to write it as a non-optional timeout that defaults to
         | something absurdly large (but not so large as to uncover multi-
         | billion-year overflow bugs in libraries I'm using), usually 100
         | years. Maybe that's the hard way of doing it, but it gets rid
         | of special handling of the optionality. I'm sure some
         | colleagues would describe this as "the hardest way" to write an
         | optional timeout, but it objectively has fewer code paths to
         | reason about and test. Some people really hate seeing code that
         | doesn't treat the no-timeout case as a special case, because
         | they just find it uncomfortable to switch perspectives. They
         | really want to code it up as they most naturally think about
         | it, not in the way that yields the least twisted code.
         | 
         | In another case, one of my colleagues wrote some minor error
         | recovery logic for a distributed system. I politely told him
         | that his solution had too many implicit states and would get
         | stuck if messages were delayed between systems. I proposed a
         | simple 4-state machine: ok, trying_to_resovle, resolved, and
         | taking_too_long_to_resolve. But, he was the one originally
         | assigned the task, I didn't have any real authority, and it
         | wasn't worth a fight. He said the way he wrote it was "easier"
         | and "more natural." A few months down the road, his solution
         | got stuck and never alerted us that it was taking too long to
         | resolve the error, because messages got delayed between
         | systems. In an afternoon, I whipped up my original proposal:
         | since the recovery action is idempotent, when you go into the
         | recovering state, just blindly fire off the recovery action
         | every x seconds until you either get confirmation of
         | resolution, or after y seconds give up and alert the humans
         | that the problem might not be resolved. As far as I know, my
         | 4-state FSM solution is still in production years later. I'm
         | sure the author of the original felt a 4-state finite state
         | machine was "the hardest way to write it."
         | 
         | In a third case, we have a pretty slick internal publish-
         | subscribe system, but the error handling is just level-based:
         | the subscriber provides a callback taking a boolean that
         | indicates if the publisher has just gone from "bad" to "okay"
         | (true) or "okay" to "bad" (false). Publishers have an upper
         | time limit of inactivity after which they'll publish out a size
         | zero message, so if a subscriber doesn't get any messages in
         | that maximum idle period plus some configurable leeway, then
         | the subscriber needs to assume the publisher has died and go
         | into error mitigation/recovery/alerting logic. It's a pretty
         | simple two-state FSM. The start state is the "bad" state. Every
         | message results in the current time being recorded as the
         | latest timestamp, and if the current state is "bad", transition
         | to the "ok" state and pass true to the health status callback.
         | If there's not an existing timer, create one for transitioning
         | back to a "bad" state. When the timer goes off, check the
         | latest recorded timestamp, and see if you really should
         | transition to a "bad" state and call the health status callback
         | with false. Otherwise, calculate the next timeout based on the
         | latest heartbeat and reset the timer. The problem is that it
         | starts out in the "bad" state, so in order to handle the case
         | of publishers being dead at subscription time, all subscribers
         | need to implement their own timer logic, and a lot of
         | subscribers either don't try to handle the case or handle it
         | incorrectly. I spent a while trying to convince the main
         | developer for the pub-sub system to switch to a tristate FSM:
         | start, bad, and ok. If you use 100 years for the default time
         | to transition from the start state to the bad state, you'll get
         | backward-compatible behavior for subscribers that just assume
         | their first health status callback must be their initial
         | notification that the publisher is live. The other state
         | transitions were all really easy to work out. I sent him an
         | email with a pretty state transition table showing all 4
         | possible state transiions, what triggered them, and which
         | transitions triggered which health status callbacks. It's
         | really dead simple: 3 states, 4 transitions, and it greatly
         | simplified code on the subscriber side and stopped forcing all
         | subscribers to implement their own poor solutions, and it was
         | 100% backward compatible if default parameters were used. He
         | kept on pushing for various ad-hoc solutions with more implicit
         | states and state transitions because his gut feeling solution
         | was easier for him than thinking in terms of a 3-state finite
         | state machine. We went through a couple back-and-forths with me
         | pointing out flaws in his ad-hoc proposals, and him not
         | pointing out any flaws in my FSM, but just complaining that it
         | was "complex". But, he didn't really mean "complex", he meant
         | "hard"[0] because he wasn't accustomed to thinking in terms of
         | state machines. With the extra corner cases and implicit states
         | in his ad-hoc proposals, his solutions were more complex by an
         | objective complexity metric. But, I'm sure he'd complain that
         | my 3-state, 4-transition state machine was writing it "the
         | hardest way."
         | 
         | I also strongly prefer to put throttles with very high limits
         | in cases where we don't think throttles will ever be necessary.
         | When the network admins are yelling at you that you're killing
         | the network is no time to have to code up a throttle instead of
         | just changing a configuration. I've had people argue that
         | putting in throttling logic is too complicated. When some
         | middlewear daemon got absurdly slow, I've also had to tell
         | those same people "The middlewear admins are screaming. If the
         | middlewear daemon's memory usage hits 3.75 GB, we need to kill
         | your programs to keep the middlewear from falling over."
         | Sometimes a colleague complaining about complexity is really
         | trying to simplify things to a dangerous degree.
         | 
         | [0] https://www.infoq.com/presentations/Simple-Made-Easy/
        
         | johnnyb9 wrote:
         | This quote stood out for me as well, for the reason that my own
         | depiction of a "good coder" has evolved into someone who codes
         | a solution in the simplest way possible using the best tools,
         | not the "hardest" or most "lit" way.
        
           | CameronNemo wrote:
           | Yeah this screams "antisocial coder" to me. Coding with an
           | audience of one.
        
           | suzzer99 wrote:
           | I was planning to post exactly this. Reminds me of that
           | famous anecdote about the guy who was using different
           | branches in the same source control repo for different
           | functions - who everyone said was a genius but no one could
           | figure out how to touch his code.
        
             | tiborsaas wrote:
             | I have a similar story, a friend of mine had (and still
             | has) a webdev shop and he said he has a slightly autistic
             | programmer who is his best employee and he's a genius,
             | nobody can understand his code.
             | 
             | One day they called me because at 8PM they were still at
             | the office trying to crack a problem. After a short
             | discussion, I suggested to use a (.*) regex to solve it,
             | without seeing the code, that was the best I could do.
             | Another call 30 min later, I suggested the same but on a
             | different level. At the third call I told them that if they
             | need to keep doing that, something is deeply flawed and
             | they should rewrite it. No more calls came :)
             | 
             | I kinda see where this sentiment is coming from and it's
             | really hard to convince people otherwise. People see movies
             | like Rain Man and they see scientists with huge blackboards
             | and they can't understand a thing so it must be a work of a
             | genius.
        
             | watwut wrote:
             | I think that if you do some bad things and also code
             | somewhat, a lot of people will assume that you are
             | basically genius. It is as if people felt the need to
             | balance and since they said something bad about you, they
             | will overcompensate in coding skills department.
             | 
             | But it is unfair to nice good coders who don't get praised
             | as crazy good, cause they were not assholes to people.
        
         | watwut wrote:
         | Through, honestly, I would not qualify the above a good coder.
         | It is more off highly intelligent but not good coder.
        
         | agloeregrets wrote:
         | Reading that I felt like I saw myself in it, a bit of my
         | earlier self. Perfectionism was required at all costs back then
         | and my work would be very much over-considered compared to a
         | more elegant simplistic solution scoped for the scale of the
         | problem at hand. It's a lonely way to work and generally is
         | less collaborative (so less learning once you get to a level).
         | It's hard to feel like you are making progress over time when
         | your only standard is perfection.
        
       | pengaru wrote:
       | If I had to live in a NYC apartment with an ex-girlfriend, I'd
       | probably respond by disappearing into the woods, living away from
       | civilization too.
        
       | gavreh wrote:
       | repost? https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=25756931
        
         | gavreh wrote:
         | also: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=25786699
        
       | deeeeplearning wrote:
       | This stuff is disturbing. These articles read like hit pieces.
       | The guy can't even defend himself and you have all these wild
       | claims from supposed ex-girlfriends. It's just bizarre. Let the
       | guy lie in peace.
        
         | stuckindider wrote:
         | It's honestly disgusting how people have made it into a game of
         | trying to figure out who he was. Cutting him open for bone
         | fragments. He died alone in the woods. Was there any reason to
         | think it was caused by malace? No. Then fuck off and let him
         | be.
        
           | renewiltord wrote:
           | Sure, you have a high sanctity moral foundation. Many others
           | do not. To me, a dead man with no family ties is just a
           | sequence of tissue arranged in a certain way. I will deal
           | with it as I deal with bark or fungus. There is no person
           | left.
        
           | xsmasher wrote:
           | There may have been family waiting for word of him. No one
           | knew at the time.
        
       | blakesterz wrote:
       | Somehow I read this and I'm not sure what the actual Unsettling
       | Truth was, but it still was interesting, I learned a few new
       | things, and I've been following this one pretty close.
       | 
       | The more I read about this the more I'm reminded of Chris
       | McCandless.
       | 
       | https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_McCandless
        
         | at-fates-hands wrote:
         | I was pretty interested in the McCandless story as well.
         | Krakauer uncovering the possibility of him eating the Eskimo
         | potato plant which may have ultimately killed him was really
         | eye opening.
         | 
         | https://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2015/05/01/403535274/in...
        
         | goodcanadian wrote:
         | I think the "unsettling truth" was that he turned out to be a
         | flawed human being rather than the person that people who
         | didn't even know him built him up to be in their imaginations.
        
           | fortran77 wrote:
           | It's even more banal than that. The "unsettling truth" is
           | he's got an ex who is willing to spread some unsubstantiated
           | dirt about him that may not be true, or may be exaggerated.
           | (Was there ever a police report? A restraining order?
           | Probably not, or it would be mentioned.)
           | 
           | That's it. It's a non-story.
        
         | mlang23 wrote:
         | What an absurd story. Wikipedia lists _one_ travel, in fact the
         | first and last one. How sad. And why the heck do you venture
         | out into the bushes only to live in a abandoned bus? I mean,
         | yeah, how convenient. I can see that. But it is also weird.
        
           | ajkjk wrote:
           | What's absurd about it?
        
             | mlang23 wrote:
             | I would imagine that someone inclined to live in the bushes
             | by themselves would be interested in/wanting to build their
             | shelter themselves, or at least use something that has
             | natural origin. At least that is how I imagine it. What did
             | you achieve if you leave civilisation behind only to use
             | something a shelter which wouldnt exist without
             | civilisation?
        
               | renewiltord wrote:
               | It's clear he was seeking solitude more than he was
               | seeking nature. It just so happens the two go together
               | frequently. It does not particularly appear any
               | 'achievement' was intended.
        
           | sedatk wrote:
           | When your goal is to be away from people, not necessarily
           | shelter or technology.
        
           | lqet wrote:
           | I read the book by Krakauer a few years ago. Tragically, he
           | could've crossed the river he thought was blocking his way
           | back to civilization by a hand-operated cable car only 800
           | meters away from his shelter. He wandered into the wild
           | without a good map.
           | 
           | To his credit, though, there is the possibility that he was
           | simply unable to walk because he poisoned himself
           | accidentally [0]
           | 
           | [0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_McCandless#Lathyrism_
           | due...
        
           | NikolaeVarius wrote:
           | By being incredibly stupid mostly.
        
         | fiftyfifty wrote:
         | Exactly my thoughts, reminded me very much of Into the Wild.
        
         | bena wrote:
         | The unsettling truth was that he was apparently an abusive
         | malcontent who decided to run away from the problems he created
         | once again.
        
           | f38zf5vdt wrote:
           | It's a shame, he could have had a healthy and productive life
           | just posting every day to the Linux kernel mailing list.
        
             | nickthemagicman wrote:
             | Yep. He just missed finding his people, unfortunate.
        
           | trianglem wrote:
           | Based on what? Some ex's word?
        
             | LatteLazy wrote:
             | But he told obscure jokes! But yeah, I think the title is
             | clickbait, nothing here actually seems unsettling.
        
               | elliekelly wrote:
               | > On a Saturday night in September 2016, K was injured
               | when a terrorist set off a bomb on West 23rd Street in
               | Manhattan. "I had pretty bad PTSD to which he hated
               | caring for me, even kept a dated log of every time I
               | needed help, to the point where he left me outside in the
               | dark--knowing that at that time I couldn't be outside
               | alone or be in the dark without panicking," she recalls,
               | before adding, "and this is only the light stuff."
               | 
               | You don't find this behavior unsettling? How about this
               | anecdote being characterized as "this only the light
               | stuff"?
        
               | trianglem wrote:
               | Not to diminish her problems, but at the same time this
               | is extremely reminiscent of girlfriends that are super
               | attention seeking and constantly have "problems" that
               | need to be resolved immediately. Sounds like this guy
               | wasn't super emotional and was distressed by incessant
               | calls for attention.
        
               | [deleted]
        
               | TeaDrunk wrote:
               | A person who has such high levels of distress or lack of
               | emotional regulation that they cannot manage by
               | themselves the level of emotional turmoil they experience
               | sounds... like PTSD, which uh, yeah, she has PTSD and
               | this was a known behavior that he presumably chose and
               | accepted when he was dating her. It makes no sense to
               | date someone and then actively neglect their needs, even
               | if their needs are greater than people who don't have a
               | severe, chronic illness.
        
               | objectivetruth wrote:
               | > Not to diminish her problems, but at the same time
               | 
               |  _proceeds to diminish her post-terrorist-attack PTSD and
               | compare her to his ex-girlfriends_
        
               | LatteLazy wrote:
               | Maybe I've become jaded living in a low socioeconomic
               | area but this sounds like the people living 2 doors down
               | from me. They're forever having screaming matches, both
               | diagnosed with mental health issues, they rarely work.
               | But they're not that unusual here at the bottom end of
               | the income distribution.
               | 
               | I was a little to flippant in my comment, maybe I should
               | be more unsettled?
        
               | DeafSquid wrote:
               | Sounds like she should have left him sooner
        
             | [deleted]
        
             | bena wrote:
             | One person could be an aberration. But when multiple people
             | all say similar things, it's a pattern.
             | 
             | It's not just "some ex's" word. It's her word and the words
             | of the other people who knew him.
        
           | Exmoor wrote:
           | And also that he basically left his life behind with no
           | intention of ever coming back and hiked until he literally
           | starved to death.
        
           | 3131s wrote:
           | It sounds like he was aware enough of these flaws that he
           | decided to do something about it. That's a lot better than
           | some people who go a lifetime without ever being self-aware.
        
             | lovegoblin wrote:
             | > he decided to do something about it
             | 
             | But not, apparently, therapy.
        
         | IfOnlyYouKnew wrote:
         | The unsettling truth is that he was deeply troubled, and, at
         | times, an abusive asshole who didn't necessarily warrant quite
         | as much compassion from strangers as he was given.
         | 
         | I'm open to the idea that it may not really matter, and
         | everyone deserves the dignity to not be buried anonymously. But
         | there were a lot of resources invested in this case because he
         | looked very relatable in photos. He was very different from
         | what people thought of him, and what motivated them, and
         | therefore the truth is unsettling wrt that effort.
         | 
         | This doesn't mean the effort was wrong, or that he was a
         | monster not worthy of compassion. He was clearly fighting some
         | demons, sometimes winning, sometimes losing, sometimes
         | unleashing them on others. It defies easy moral judgements, and
         | I believe the article does an excellent job saying as much.
         | 
         | But meanwhile, thousands die anonymously and unnoticed every
         | year, and their photos and circumstances of death are far less
         | compelling, but many if not most of them would have life
         | stories that do not include multiple episodes of physically and
         | psychologically abusing everyone close to them.
         | 
         | Compassionate efforts often cannot be shifted according to
         | utilitarian calculations (which is one argument for getting
         | together and making them someone's actual job, in a process
         | usually called "government"). But stories like this do maybe
         | serve to make some people think about the best allocation of
         | such efforts.
         | 
         | (The other unsettling truth is that HN can read this story and
         | come away asking what people could possibly object to in his
         | life story, and why one should believe the spouses (plural)
         | that describe his dark side)
        
           | iJohnDoe wrote:
           | @IfOnlyYouKnew Very level headed and great comment. It's
           | amazing how much victim blaming HN does on almost any topic.
           | 
           | Separately, IMO, previous girlfriends or friends, etc. won't
           | go out of their way to spit on someone's grave. I think the
           | exception is when someone finally feels safe to speak out
           | that they were abused or if the person was a true POS.
           | 
           | Not sure why the default logic in this case is to
           | automatically assume the exes are bad mouthing the deceased
           | just because they can. Sure, it happens, but in this case
           | there were two separate first-hand accounts and from the
           | girl's parents.
        
           | throwaway56745 wrote:
           | It's a slippery slope (and mildly sociopathic) to start
           | judging people's worthiness of being murdered (or sought
           | justice for) based on whether they were a good or bad person.
           | 
           | Allocating resources based on how charming someone's photo is
           | is also wrong, and worthy of discussion, though presumably
           | people at least aren't doing that consciously.
           | 
           | Edit: I'm fairly disturbed that this appears to be
           | controversial.
        
             | zerocrates wrote:
             | I don't think there's any indication this person was
             | murdered, nor that there's anybody to seek justice against.
        
               | throwaway56745 wrote:
               | Ah, I guess that's on me for only skimming the article.
               | Still, death is death. We shouldn't trivialize it just
               | because the person in question wasn't a good person,
               | which is what it felt like the GP was suggesting.
        
               | renewiltord wrote:
               | This is wholly platitudinous. There are individuals whose
               | death is of near zero utility to me and individuals whose
               | death is of positive utility to me even accounting for
               | any knock-on effects of considering any human death
               | trivial.
               | 
               | I know one is usually meant to just nod when people say
               | things like "all human life matters" and "no death is
               | anything but horrible" and all that, but it's really not
               | true.
               | 
               | In fact, if I model people's actions I find that nearly
               | everyone will nod along with those things but few people
               | act in a manner that is consistent with that action.
        
             | astura wrote:
             | The article says one thing the investigators are sure of
             | from the beginning is he died of "natural causes."
             | 
             | Toward the end it seems like he might have starved to death
             | or maybe of dehydration.
        
           | f38zf5vdt wrote:
           | I think the most unsettling truth is about how titles are
           | being assembled in search of ad revenue, since "Formerly
           | anonymous hitchhiker who died alone lived troubled life" gets
           | a lot less clicks -- since that seems almost like a non-
           | story.
           | 
           | Assembling dialogue around the divisive narrative of a
           | misleading title is just something that plays into it and I
           | think something we all need to avoid.
        
             | IfOnlyYouKnew wrote:
             | _yawn_
        
           | deeeeplearning wrote:
           | >The other unsettling truth is that HN can read this story
           | and come away asking what people could possibly object to in
           | his life story, and why one should believe the spouses
           | (plural) that describe his dark side
           | 
           | What's unsettling about thinking that hit pieces on a dead
           | man with quotes from supposed "ex girlfriends" is obnoxious?
        
             | ryandrake wrote:
             | Yea that's the first thing I thought. If I wanted to write
             | an honest and fair assessment on someone, I probably would
             | take the stories from ex-girlfriends (or anyone else with a
             | potential ax to grind) with a grain of salt. A lot of us
             | wouldn't want our biographies to be written by ex's.
             | 
             | Unfortunately the author really didn't have many more
             | people to interview as the guy was a bit of a loner.
        
               | renewiltord wrote:
               | Sure, but how many of us have exes that would say we beat
               | them? I would be very surprised if even the more
               | acrimonious breakups of mine claimed that I hit them.
               | Pretty sure most of us have never laid a hand in anger on
               | our partners.
        
               | deeeeplearning wrote:
               | Were there any police reports? Was he arrested for
               | battery? Honestly it's pure hearsay otherwise. We can't
               | really be expected to take the word of jilted ex lovers
               | at face value, sorry.
        
               | renewiltord wrote:
               | Believe what you want. No one is really trying to
               | convince you, specifically. It's just a human interest
               | story at the end of it.
               | 
               | For my part, I find it sufficient for me to conclude this
               | guy hit his girlfriend.
        
             | StrictDabbler wrote:
             | We are all chimpanzees of varying temperament.
             | 
             | The internet finds a story like this and spends a month on
             | it.
             | 
             | "Good chimp killed? Good chimp killed on hike? Hiking good,
             | hikers good. Must be good victim chimp. How can good chimp
             | have bad thing happen?"
             | 
             | Then somebody finds out who the chimp is, and somebody gets
             | a thousand bucks to write
             | 
             | "Good chimp not so good. Fought with other chimps. Shouted,
             | got quiet, not share food. Not good chimp die on trail. Bad
             | chimp wander off to die because bad. Sad but ok."
             | 
             | That's the natural cycle of news, it's been going on since
             | the press was invented and it's mostly ok.
             | 
             | What's frustrating is the internet adding the layer of
             | 
             | "Bad chimp? Bad Chimp?! What kind bad chimp? Bad chimp have
             | excuse to be bad? No? Put on list of Villain Chimps!
             | Vvvvvvvvillllainous chimp."
             | 
             | Dysfunctional dude didn't do so well with his personal
             | relationships on his way to an early grave. Ok-doke.
        
         | rriepe wrote:
         | The unsettling truth is that society really, really despises
         | people with schizoid personality disorder.
         | 
         | (EDIT: People with SPD are _averse_ to violence and prone to
         | all kinds of abuse. The he-said /she-said stuff is particularly
         | useless here.)
        
           | IfOnlyYouKnew wrote:
           | You're not doing people with the disease any favors by
           | equating it with spousal abuse.
        
           | TeaDrunk wrote:
           | IME Society rarely _notices_ people with schizoid personality
           | disorder- most people with schizoid don 't even go to a
           | doctor and never get formally diagnosed. This is especially
           | true compared to schizoid's siblings in the personality
           | disorder categories (Category A), paranoid and schizotypal.
           | 
           | (Minor edit: Also, committing spousal abuse is distinctly not
           | a trait of schizoid personality disorder.)
        
           | shrimp_emoji wrote:
           | SPD is fine when you're just a loner, but it's naturally less
           | appealing for society when you're incapable of forming
           | connections and reciprocating basic social contracts (some
           | people even use the latter as the sole criterion of
           | "personhood").
        
       | ed25519FUUU wrote:
       | > _Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica on the piano. "I could be
       | quiet around him," she wrote, "and it never felt awkward."_
       | 
       | Listen to a piano cover while you read the story:
       | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmL12NRE4hQ
       | 
       | And if you liked this story, you will probably also like "The
       | Hunt for the Death Valley Germans"
       | https://www.otherhand.org/home-page/search-and-rescue/the-hu...
        
       | anonAndOn wrote:
       | AIUI, being shot in the gut is a long (it can take hours) and
       | incredibly agonizing way to die. It appears he was not merciful
       | on any substantive relationships, including with himself.
        
       | dkarl wrote:
       | _Maybe Rodriguez's story is similar to Cody's. He was alone in a
       | vast, unfamiliar city. He'd destroyed his relationships. He left
       | his apartment in anger. And then, as he traversed the mountains,
       | walking through sugar maple and oak, hickory and poplar, stepping
       | over roots and rocks, he tamed his demons too. The many people
       | who met him didn't sense the dark, brooding, sometimes dangerous
       | person who left Brooklyn._
       | 
       | People who decide to commit suicide sometimes appear to others to
       | be feeling a lot better in the time between the decision and the
       | final act. It can look externally like an upswing, like they've
       | gained a new perspective and things aren't weighing on them as
       | heavily. It sounds like he was conscious that his behavior was
       | bad for other people, and he didn't believe he could change.
       | That's a terrible position to be in: to feel you can't fully
       | function in the presence of others but to feel their absence
       | keenly as well, to be incapable of being with others without
       | hurting them, but also incapable of being alone. I can't imagine
       | how bad it would have to be to starve yourself to death, but I
       | can't help wondering if that's what he did.
        
         | op03 wrote:
         | >sugar maple and oak, hickory and poplar
         | 
         | I feel the trees mentioned are somehow involved too.
        
         | ska wrote:
         | > People who decide to commit suicide sometimes appear to
         | others to be feeling a lot better in the time between the
         | decision and the final act.
         | 
         | I suspect this is just an instance of the pretty common
         | response to having made a decision that was weighing on you. If
         | it's a big one (divorce, career change, etc.) I'm sure most of
         | us have experienced this at least 2nd hand.
        
           | cmehdy wrote:
           | Anecdotally, I can confirm that it's similar in essence and
           | just overwhelmingly stronger in effect. It's a bit like
           | having finally decided every single one of the big decisions
           | of life in the same split second (because that's what it is
           | in the moment).
           | 
           | It's also stronger than that because the very likely "normal
           | state" of your brain up to that point is severe depression,
           | so you're not anywhere near what people might consider an
           | average state of mind, and you're getting that strong of a
           | kick.
           | 
           | You can ride that euphoria for quite a while even through
           | some of the nagging doubts clawing their way back between the
           | initial feeling and the last action. I doubt much research
           | can be done for what I'm about to say (and I might be very
           | wrong), but I have the feeling that when you're alone
           | (mentally) you can ride that wave for a decent amount of time
           | yet with just a very brief REAL interaction with another
           | human being you can snap out of it. It might not fully
           | dissipate but still break the trance-like state.
           | 
           | Not a lot of interactions might feel real like that, but when
           | they do they can be life-changing (for obvious reasons) even
           | when the subject matter is frivolous.
           | 
           | You'll likely never know just how many you changed, nor why.
           | 
           | We often notice how "easy"/quick it is to hurt somebody by
           | saying something even light-hearted, but when it comes to
           | that extreme you'd be surprised how very few words about
           | mundane things can prevent a collapse (at least that time).
        
             | eitland wrote:
             | You made it to my quotes file, which is a somewhat high bar
             | even if it doesn't help for anything ;-)
             | 
             | > We often notice how "easy"/quick it is to hurt somebody
             | by saying something even light-hearted,
             | 
             | I've been very aware of this for the last ten years after
             | realizing that despite my good intentions I could sometimes
             | hurt others.
             | 
             | > but when it comes to that extreme you'd be surprised how
             | very few words about mundane things can prevent a collapse
             | (at least that time).
             | 
             | I think this will be important to keep in mind too going
             | forward.
             | 
             | Thanks!
        
             | ska wrote:
             | This is a thoughtful comment. I do think it is incredibly
             | hard to gauge "relative effect" between people, so I don't
             | think we can really rank them (except for ourselves, of
             | course). There is some nuance here.
             | 
             | I've also experienced a lot of variance in my social group
             | in terms of what things have really seemed to set them
             | back.
             | 
             | I really like your point that seemingly "small" things can
             | make a huge difference in someone else's state of mind.
             | It's a strong argument for being as kind as you can by
             | default, because you really have no idea what those around
             | you are going through.
        
               | cmehdy wrote:
               | I initially thought about writing what you're concluding,
               | but after giving it more thought my conclusion wasn't
               | that one has to strive to be kind but instead to be
               | sincere. Kindness for its own sake might even be
               | upsetting to me, instead of kindness "happening"
               | alongside sincerity. But I realized that this was due to
               | my own preferences (having more interactions that don't
               | feel scripted, a human connection even with all the not-
               | so-good parts), so I decided to leave it out of the
               | message. Because I have no way to really prescribe
               | anything to anybody, I don't know what is "best" if being
               | kind and being sincere ever conflict, and I don't know
               | what other people in such a vulnerable situation might
               | react to or want. For all I know it might be
               | diametrically opposed in a significant subset of people
               | having gone through the same process.
               | 
               | From the other side of things, I have had decent outcomes
               | attempting to be both at once when someone is in crisis.
               | Using my better judgment to figure out what to prioritize
               | if conflict arises between the two - often based on what
               | I perceived from the other person. There's time for
               | advice, there's time for being heard, there's time to be.
               | 
               | I'd hardly call that an exact science, but I remind
               | myself and anyone who I think should hear it that you
               | shouldn't beat yourself up for trying to help and not
               | "succeeding". That it's not your fault, nor is it the
               | fault of the person in pain to do something so violent
               | because they want to stop feeling that pain. Faulting
               | leads nowhere constructive, even though later on I could
               | find strength to figure out (and own up to) my own part
               | of responsibility in life - which can be constructive. I
               | guess the HN-equivalent discussion is all the debate
               | around the naming of "git blame" :)
               | 
               | We just simply don't have enough information about the
               | universe to really know better most of the time, and as a
               | consequence of that you can't reliably predict much of it
               | all even with the best and most genuine attempts to help.
               | (I realize I am saying obvious things, but I'll leave it
               | there)
        
             | Tade0 wrote:
             | Thanks to this stack of comments I finally understood why
             | my college friend appeared to feel better days before he
             | took his life - he made his decision and was at peace with
             | it.
        
         | UI_at_80x24 wrote:
         | > People who decide to commit suicide sometimes appear to
         | others to be feeling a lot better in the time between the
         | decision and the final act.
         | 
         | To misquote a line from a favorite TV show;
         | 
         | "Fear accompanies the possibility of death. Calm shepherds its
         | certainty." -Ka D'Argo, Farscape
         | 
         | I have attempted suicide, and that line fits for me. As another
         | reader has pointed out there is also peace that comes from
         | making a choice and knowing that your pain will be ending soon.
        
           | helmholtz wrote:
           | Christ, I can't imagine what it feels like to be in a place
           | where the only choice one sees is out. Hope you're feeling
           | better.
        
             | UI_at_80x24 wrote:
             | Thank-you.
             | 
             | I am. I'm not.
             | 
             | Major Depressive Disorder is a bitch with a long memory.
        
           | agloeregrets wrote:
           | Having been on that edge and (luckily) not having the guts, I
           | found that the moment when you can't give yourself the
           | certainty to just do it is somehow even darker than
           | contemplating it.
           | 
           | I hope you have that certainty in hope for a better future
           | with you in it and that things are better for you now.
        
             | UI_at_80x24 wrote:
             | >not having the guts
             | 
             | This is the point that nobody understands. It's HARD to do!
             | The easy thing to do is let the momentum of living bring
             | you to the next day. It's very difficult to over-ride
             | instinct and cause life-threatening injury to oneself.
             | 
             | So I laugh when I hear "it takes more courage to live", or
             | "they took the cowards way out".
             | 
             | Thank-you for your gentle words. To once again misquote
             | (from a movie): "I'm not dead yet."
        
       | JeremyNT wrote:
       | I would like to mention that Mostly Harmless's identity and
       | history were first reported by Jason Nark of Adventure Journal
       | way back in December (and discussed on HN _[0]_ at that time).
       | His piece _[1]_ is now fully updated to include the original
       | article as well as the updates.
       | 
       | Nark isn't credited in this particular Wired article (although he
       | was credited in Thomson's first article for Wired _[2]_ ). This
       | is the despite the fact that Nark, as far as I can tell, wrote
       | the first mainstream article about Mostly Harmless and also was
       | the first reporter to determine his identity.
       | 
       | I suppose Nicholas Thomson must have researched it independently
       | for this new wired piece, explaining why it's being released so
       | much later and with no mention of the reporter who "broke" the
       | story.
       | 
       | [0] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=25526104
       | 
       | [1] https://www.adventure-journal.com/2020/12/the-mystery-of-
       | dec...
       | 
       | [2] https://www.wired.com/story/nameless-hiker-mostly-
       | harmless-i...
        
       | Geminidog wrote:
       | The more unsettling truth is how the world became interested in
       | someone like him even though he was mostly an asshole. This
       | article says more about human nature and our tendencies to make
       | unwarranted assumptions based off of superficial qualities then
       | it does about him.
       | 
       | Would he garner the same amount of attention if he wasn't white
       | or good looking?
        
         | as1mov wrote:
         | This was my observation as well. I don't think this case
         | would've gotten the same amount of attention if the person
         | wasn't good looking. There are countless Doe's missing for whom
         | an army of online strangers hasn't sprung up and made their
         | mission to identify the person (and some unwarranted
         | expectations based just on a bunch of photographs).
        
       | [deleted]
        
       | 34679 wrote:
       | The graphic designer in me wants to flog whoever is responsible
       | for that graphic at the top. The drop shadows go 3 different
       | directions and the one on the taped paper has way too much
       | offset.
        
       | ChrisMarshallNY wrote:
       | Sounds like he was HFA (High-Functioning Autistic), with some
       | extra Trauma Sauce.
       | 
       | It can be quite difficult for folks like this _(Disclaimer: IR1)_
       | to find happiness. Crowds, high-stimulus environments, external
       | expectations can be quite chafing.
       | 
       | It can also be tempting to latch onto external things and people,
       | to try to heal something that can't really be healed; but only
       | mitigated (long story, but I went through that kind of thing,
       | myself). I can understand anger, when they don't "fix" us.
       | 
       | I can also relate to the "sleep it off" thing. It would be sort
       | of like Miranda, in _Serenity_.
       | 
       | It's a really sad story. There are quite a few people like that.
        
         | 11235813213455 wrote:
         | Yes, that's what I hoped the conclusion would be more about.
         | 
         | I'm quite similar to this guy, some of us find a way to adapt
         | to their environment, their differences, accepting the fact
         | they can't "fix" that real-world environment, but.. that's a
         | harmful experience, mostly for yourself
        
         | lwigo wrote:
         | How is it like Miranda (just trying to figure out your
         | metaphor)? One possible response to extreme over stimulation or
         | aggression is to completely shutdown?
        
           | ChrisMarshallNY wrote:
           | If you remember, the Parliament added some kind of stuff in
           | the atmosphere, and everyone just lay down and died.
           | 
           | When I was working through my stuff, I often would have
           | _loved_ to do that.
           | 
           | It's really a special kind of hell. We can't stand being
           | ourselves. I grew a beard, because I couldn't stand looking
           | in the mirror. Shaving it was actually a watershed, for me.
        
         | [deleted]
        
         | kayodelycaon wrote:
         | > Sounds like he was HFA (High-Functioning Autistic), with some
         | extra Trauma Sauce.
         | 
         | Or he could have bipolar, schizophrenia, anxiety, C-PTSD or a
         | number of other things.
         | 
         | All of those would explain what I'm seeing.
         | 
         | Personally, I'm bipolar and I share an a lot of traits with
         | autism. You can't know what's happening in a person's head
         | unless you take time to talk to them or they've left a detailed
         | journal.
        
           | ChrisMarshallNY wrote:
           | Absolutely. I can only speak to what I know, and this, I
           | happen to know, all too well.
           | 
           | I just found that I could relate to pretty much everything he
           | was about (check out my code for some truly anal coding),
           | with the exception of the abuse, but I could also easily see
           | myself getting into that, if I had the trauma background
           | (although I don't have that, exactly, I am _quite_ familiar
           | with what trauma can do to even neurotypicals).
        
       | freetime2 wrote:
       | Whenever I read a biography about some person I admire, I always
       | end up disliking that person. Failed relationships and abandoned
       | responsibilities are exceedingly common (especially among artists
       | and people who are highly driven to success). I think that most
       | of us have some "unsettling" details in our past. People are
       | imperfect.
       | 
       | The allegations of physical and mental abuse here are
       | particularly bad, and I'm not trying to make any excuses for
       | Rodriguez. But they aren't exactly uncommon in this world,
       | either.
       | 
       | The tone of this article feels a little too judgmental to me.
       | Like Rodriguez somehow had an obligation to all the people who
       | were interested in his story, and has let them down. But is it
       | really surprising that someone who died in such unusual
       | conditions, with no friends or family to report him as missing,
       | would have had a rough past?
       | 
       | The author also says at one point "maybe that's the prettiest bow
       | you can put on the box that contains this strange story". But why
       | should we as interested observers feel the need or be entitled to
       | "put a bow" on this other man's life?
        
         | ianai wrote:
         | Well, the guy's dead. People should probably back off. An
         | inability to change is almost a functional definition of death.
         | If anything, those judging him could look in the mirror. Why
         | the need to seek answers about someone? Why the need to judge
         | whatever you find out? As someone who has only ever read a few
         | comments on HN about this story - because I have no interest in
         | this sort of thing - I'm judging society for how they handle
         | this person. Harshly.
         | 
         | Edit-Why not check your egos and ids for once and let it go?
        
       | thefurman wrote:
       | Was he abused by his father or something? Sounds like it should
       | be investigated further. People usually don't just become like
       | this without a good reason.
        
         | stuckindider wrote:
         | Sounds like it none of your business. Speculating about the
         | metal state of others and playing internet doctor is insulting.
        
           | oh_sigh wrote:
           | Dead people generally don't have the need for a doctor.
        
         | code_duck wrote:
         | The history in the article strongly suggests he was abused by
         | his father.
        
       | lisper wrote:
       | TL;DR: This is about a hiker who went by the name Mostly Harmless
       | who was found dead in his tent. No one knows how he died. That's
       | it. But for the unusual name, it seems safe to say that this
       | would not be on the front page of HN.
        
         | notfbi wrote:
         | The mystery was well covered on HN before due to him being a
         | programmer and plausibly active in coding/gaming online
         | communities:
         | 
         | https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=24981786
        
         | robbyt wrote:
         | His photo gets posted to /r/brooklyn every few months. I really
         | don't know what this story resonates so well with people.
         | 
         | Every day there are reports of many new missing/homeless/dead
         | people, why is this man more important than all the others?
        
         | edmundsauto wrote:
         | For fans of the hitch hikers guide series, the name isn't
         | unusual. It's the name of one of the books.
        
           | Dig1t wrote:
           | (and the entire entry for the planet Earth inside the
           | Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy book) ;)
        
           | c22 wrote:
           | It's an unusual name for a person.
        
             | guerrilla wrote:
             | Much like c22. It was just a trail name.
        
             | [deleted]
        
             | NikolaeVarius wrote:
             | Many communities have nicknames that are unusual
        
         | [deleted]
        
         | 542458 wrote:
         | I think the way they ID'ed this John Doe (trawling forum posts,
         | DNA testing and advertising) is pretty interesting and I
         | upvoted on that basis. It's also a partial answer to a mystery
         | that was pretty widely shared around the internet, so is
         | interesting on that basis as well.
        
       | rootsudo wrote:
       | How is it unsettling? Everything in that article is, average for
       | Americans. People just applied romantic notions to something they
       | didn't know, in attempt to understand. It got popular, people
       | joined in, and the mystery was the thrill, the chase.
       | 
       | I don't think it's any different from when you ask a person to
       | describe their pet, they describe themselves.
       | 
       | The fearful part is, how, everyone, decided that in good faith,
       | they should work together, to unlock this past vs just leaving it
       | to the government.
       | 
       | This is a case where it seemed he didn't like his parents, and
       | probably didn't want/care to let them know of his demise.
       | 
       | His romantic life, same, probably didn't care to know either.
       | 
       | But, Mystery solved? We did it Reddit! /s
        
       | 99_00 wrote:
       | I see this story as extremely positive. Technology can bring
       | closure to unknown number of families. Many cold cases will be
       | solved. This is just the start.
       | 
       | >A genomics company, Othram, had taken his DNA and started to do
       | cutting-edge genetic analysis to identify him. Collier County had
       | sent them a bone fragment; they had extracted the hiker's DNA and
       | then begun searching for genetic similarities among people in a
       | database called GEDmatch to build a tree of potential relatives.
       | They learned that the hiker had Cajun roots; that his family had
       | come from Assumption Parish, Louisiana; and that there were
       | family members with the name Rodriguez. The founder of the
       | company, David Mittelman, went on Facebook to talk about the
       | case. I bought Facebook ads on my personal page to promote my
       | story in the region of Louisiana where I thought his relatives
       | likely lived.
        
       | dickbar wrote:
       | In this thread: It's Friday. We do the usual and judge someone we
       | know nothing about, whom we have never met, and begin by call
       | them an asshole and a psychopath. This is the top story on Hacker
       | News. Brought to you by Wired, Inc.
        
         | [deleted]
        
         | deeeeplearning wrote:
         | bbbut 2 whole ex girlfriends said he was meeaaaan!! /s
        
       | [deleted]
        
       | johncessna wrote:
       | From the article
       | 
       | > It reminded everyone that it is still possible to disappear.
       | 
       | Actually, it did the opposite
       | 
       | > No, she said. "I don't think I was committed to Vance as a
       | human. I detached myself as a person to Vance, in that I didn't
       | want to get too attached to a dead stranger. But I was committed
       | to solving the case with others because it would be a great way
       | to prove that people can do great things together."
       | 
       | This sums up what I thought about the whole thing. The unsettling
       | truth is that a man went off grid and strangers, looking for
       | nothing more than a selfish desire to know, put him right back on
       | it.
        
       | cjohnson318 wrote:
       | Is there an official term for people that appear to be charming
       | and outgoing to strangers, but often moody and/or distant to
       | people they know well?
        
         | tsjq wrote:
         | This sub thread here goes into some detail. I'm also very
         | curious about the same.
         | https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=25793526
        
       | ogre_codes wrote:
       | > It reminded everyone that it is still possible to disappear.
       | 
       | It's possible to disappear if nobody is looking for you and you
       | have enough cash. Even the latter is somewhat optional, it just
       | means you are much less comfortable.
       | 
       | Fundamentally in this world, many (most?) of us are redundant. A
       | person missing here or there is only missed if their social web
       | is wide enough.
        
       | jasonv wrote:
       | Does anyone remember a Wired (?) story from the earliest days
       | about a teenager who got mixed up in a geek subculture and
       | disappeared into sewers under the city? A quick search on their
       | site didn't really yield what I think I remember.
        
         | bart_spoon wrote:
         | Perhaps its about the DnD kid? I vaguely remember hearing about
         | that, in the early days of DnD there was a college kid in
         | Michigan who disappeared, and it was thought he had been in the
         | steam tunnels under the campus as part of a DnD campaign or
         | something. I don't remember all of the details, or if it ended
         | up being true, but I think it kind of became a trope
         | surrounding DnD for a while, and there was a Tom Hanks movie
         | about it.
        
           | dragonwriter wrote:
           | > I don't remember all of the details, or if it ended up
           | being true
           | 
           | Not as far as any link between the disappearance and D&D, no:
           | 
           | https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Dallas_Egbert_III#Disapp.
           | ..
           | 
           | > and there was a Tom Hanks movie about it.
           | 
           |  _Mazes and Monsters_ , the novel and the movie, were
           | inspired by the (false) story of the event.
        
             | jasonv wrote:
             | Thanks! This sounds like what I had in mind.
             | 
             | Had no idea the movie even existed.
        
         | lqet wrote:
         | > disappeared into sewers under the city
         | 
         | This might interest you: I watched the quite disturbing
         | documentary "Dark Days" a few years ago about homeless people
         | living in subway and sewage tunnels under New York. They had
         | built small apartments down there and even had electricity.
         | 
         | Here are the first 10 minutes on YouTube:
         | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dh4s78Db5OQ
        
           | tessierashpool wrote:
           | there's an excellent book about this called _Mole People_ by
           | Jennifer Toth.
        
             | me_me_me wrote:
             | Suddenly Futurama is a little bit less funny for me.
        
         | gonzus wrote:
         | This rings a bell. I remember reading a book that sounds like
         | this, some 35 years ago... It was my gateway to discover The
         | Hobbit, since one sentence in this book (which wasn't that
         | good) mentioned these geeks getting together to play "Tolkian"
         | (maybe "Tolkienian") games. It may have been this:
         | https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Dungeon_Master
        
       | bpodgursky wrote:
       | It's only unsettling if you don't believe in redemption.
        
       | tppiotrowski wrote:
       | The article talks about his ability to be friendly to strangers
       | but abusive to his long term acquaintances. I have observed this
       | pattern and curious if anyone knows what drives this?
       | 
       | My personal theory is that you have some sort of obligations to
       | long term acquaintances but you owe nothing to strangers on the
       | trail. It's this feeling of obligation that leads you to resent
       | people over time.
        
         | ksdale wrote:
         | I think there may be an element of survivorship bias at play.
         | There's kind of a 2x2 you can draw where people can be
         | publicly/privately kind/abusive. People who are kind all the
         | time (or at least, not abusive all the time) are unremarkable,
         | I'm not sure there are many people who are publicly abusive and
         | privately kind, and people who are both publicly and privately
         | abusive are way more likely to end up in prison, or homeless,
         | or otherwise away from people. So that leaves us noticing the
         | strange pattern of people who are publicly kind and privately
         | abusive. It's like, the most remarkable pattern that's actually
         | present for us to remark upon.
        
           | throwaway713 wrote:
           | > I'm not sure there are many people who are publicly abusive
           | and privately kind
           | 
           | Gordon Ramsay perhaps?
        
           | tekromancr wrote:
           | I think you can find people who are publicly abusive and
           | privately kind in online communities.
           | 
           | I just finished listening to a podcast called My Year in
           | Mensa, which centers around an unmoderated Mensa facebook
           | group, and the author's interactions with them. As you can
           | imagine from an unmoderated community, it sucks and a lot of
           | people say shitty things there.
           | 
           | A common refrain the author heard from people defending the
           | group is "They're the nicest people in real life!", which may
           | absolutely be the case, but publicly, they are presenting
           | abusive versions of themselves.
        
             | ksdale wrote:
             | Ooh, that's a great example.
        
           | adrianmonk wrote:
           | There could also be a survivorship bias of relationships. The
           | friends you still have are the ones who are willing and able
           | to put up with your shit. The others are no longer in your
           | life.
           | 
           | So when you're around them, you know you can let out your bad
           | side to some extent. You don't know that with random
           | strangers.
        
         | alfl wrote:
         | Could be politeness as a response to social uncertainty
         | followed by aggression once things are more clear. Like how
         | some people fight with loved ones because they can't just walk.
        
         | rel-throwaway wrote:
         | I struggle with this in my personal life. To most friends and
         | acquaintances I can be friendly, personable, interesting, and
         | engaging when we meet. But at home, with close family, and
         | especially with my wife I struggle to be that person. My
         | default state is that I mostly want to be left alone. All the
         | people closest to me seem to want something -- time, attention,
         | help, emotional support etc. none of which I seem to need from
         | anybody else and leads to annoyance and resentment on my part.
         | It doesn't help that I have a particularly stressful job
         | managing a large team with silly interpersonal issues and
         | politics that I have to deal with.
         | 
         | My wife and I have our good moments, are good parents (I
         | think), but day to day is such a struggle. It is constant cycle
         | of me wanting to be left alone and her wanting something or the
         | other from me and getting annoyed that I show reluctance to do
         | it leading to resentment on both sides. Not sure how to fix it
         | or where to turn to for help. I am not an angry person and I
         | don't physically yell or hurt her but she has said that me
         | being reluctant with most things is a form of emotional abuse,
         | which after reading this concerns me and is cause for
         | introspection.
        
           | throwaway6299 wrote:
           | How strange, just created an account to say that I am the
           | same way and was thinking about this a lot last night.
           | (Although, I don't think I am emotionally abusive, as I feel
           | my spouse demands things that are entirely unreasonable, like
           | frequently asking me to leave work in the middle of the day
           | to come help with something or buying a house and dog when we
           | had less than $1,000 in our account).
           | 
           | All I wanted my whole life was a happy family with a happy
           | relationship like my parents had. That didn't happen and now
           | all I want is to be left alone, and it's like everyone wants
           | something from me but I don't need or want anything from
           | them. I have a great job now, so the only thing I look
           | forward to each day is hopefully reaching financial
           | independence before I'm 40. At least then I can "buy" some
           | alone time.
        
             | rel-throwaway wrote:
             | There has been plenty of unreasonable stuff over the years.
             | Early in our marriage she spent close to 1000$ at the mall
             | which left us short of funds to pay _her_ grad school
             | tuition that I had been saving to pay for her. Till date
             | she refuses to understand our financial picture and will be
             | completely lost if I were to get hit by a bus tomorrow.
             | Also, she has not worked for  >90% of our ~10 year marriage
             | to follow her passion for art which has made ->$0 so far. I
             | am fine with that because we don't need 2 incomes and I am
             | happy she has the freedom to pursue her passions.
             | Thankfully, like you, I have done pretty well in my career
             | and could probably retire in a cheaper country or some
             | midwestern town tomorrow. This is in addition to all the
             | other things she has anxiety about doing -- driving the car
             | to new places, walking the dog when it is dark outside etc.
             | 
             | I had the exact same wish. I just wanted a happy family
             | like my parents had. I adore my child. Now I just wish we
             | could both get out of this without damaging him too much
             | and I can be left alone.
        
               | 08-15 wrote:
               | > she has said that me being reluctant [...] is a form of
               | emotional abuse
               | 
               | > her grad school tuition that I had been saving to pay
               | for her
               | 
               | > she has not worked for >90% of our ~10 year marriage
               | 
               | My friend, you are not abusing your wife. _She_ is
               | abusing _you_. She is also gaslighting you into thinking
               | you are the problem. You 're not. And she is using your
               | child to blackmail you emotionally.
               | 
               | > things she has anxiety about doing -- driving the car
               | to new places, walking the dog when it is dark outside
               | 
               | This isn't anxiety, it's laziness. But if you're merely
               | reluctant about the exact same things, she calls it "a
               | form of emotional abuse." Brilliant.
               | 
               | Unfortunately, the way the law is currently applied,
               | there is nothing you can do without violating it.
        
               | ColdSolo wrote:
               | This is extremely similar to my situation. When I finish
               | my workday I often find myself just sitting with her and
               | watching Netflix but if I get up and go to the other room
               | to do something I'm interested in she'll get upset.
               | 
               | I think a lot of the issues come from the fact that I
               | don't feel I "need" anything from her. It makes it hard
               | to relate to her when she "needs" something from me. I
               | actually think not needing anything from other people is
               | the root of the issue. I'm very independent and always
               | trying to be self-sufficient (stock piling money, etc) so
               | that I don't need to rely on other people.
               | 
               | I think this independence is a fault as it keeps from
               | from "being vulnerable" and opening up more which is what
               | leads to deeper connections with other humans. I'm trying
               | to work on it a bit and have found that when I genuinely
               | open up to my wife it actually frees up more time for me.
               | Rather than spending 3 hours watching netflix we can
               | spend 30 minutes having a deep conversation and then her
               | needs are met and I can go do my own thing. Trying to do
               | this regularly is really difficult though.
        
               | number6 wrote:
               | Do you feel that she doesn't hold up her side of the
               | deal? Did you ever talk about what you expect her to do?
               | 
               | Why are you still together?
        
             | demadog wrote:
             | She's likely wanting your presence and testing your loyalty
             | or something? Definitely would help to see a couples
             | therapist but if not, I think setting clear boundaries -
             | like work time is work time - but also scheduling time
             | together would put her at ease and prevent random requests.
        
               | 0_____0 wrote:
               | 100% this. I've been working through similar issues in my
               | personal life (complicated by COVID, natch) and what I've
               | come to is that I need to get way better about setting
               | clear boundaries and expectations with people I care
               | about. This can be done in a compassionate way, and
               | relationships will be better in the long run even if
               | doing the boundary setting feels hard or mean in the
               | short term.
        
             | trianglem wrote:
             | I'm going to get downvoted for this but here goes. For a
             | marriage to be successful, one partner has to be dominant.
             | A marriage of equals doesn't work and your parents (and
             | mine) have happy relationships because this principle was
             | followed. I converted to Islam around 8 years ago and
             | married a Muslim woman and I could not be more happy. For
             | the last 6 years, everyday is bliss and I've never
             | performed better at work.
        
               | mafuy wrote:
               | Well you're certainly right that it's easy to want to
               | downvote your statement. I'd like to learn:
               | 
               | Can you explain what the advantages of the dominant
               | marriages are? Since you mention Islam, I assume you're
               | the dominant one. I'm going to assume your wife is happy
               | in her role. Do you think the female can be the dominant
               | one in a relationship, too, or how is that decided?
        
               | ibn_khaldun wrote:
               | Not my post, but if I may I'd like to offer my input,
               | please.
               | 
               | The word "dominance" seems to carry a negative
               | connotation in the context of interpersonal
               | relationships. There a lot of historical factors that are
               | the cause of this and it's beyond the scope of this
               | conversation to delve deeply into that.
               | 
               | Nonetheless, as far as Islam is concerned, it is the role
               | of the man to wield the influence/be dominant in his
               | household. This is by virtue of his responsibilities --
               | his attachment to the Masjid (or "Mosque" in the West),
               | his duty to earn a living for the household and his duty
               | as an educator and paragon of good character, not just in
               | the home but in his community as well.
               | 
               | The word "dominance" may suggest a sense of oppression in
               | modern times. But in the scope of Islam, that husband who
               | is "dominant" in reality eschews all reprehensible
               | conduct that could be associated with the word.
               | 
               | As I mentioned before, yes, in Islam there are
               | expectations on the Muslim wife. But likewise there are
               | expectations (if not more) on the Muslim husband. Again,
               | that Muslim man assumes dominance in the household out of
               | the necessity that is to submit himself both internally
               | and externally to the conduct of the Prophet Muhammad
               | (peace and prayers be upon him).
               | 
               | The advantages of this lie in the husband assuming his
               | natural role as prescribed by Allah and exemplified by
               | the Messenger of Allah (peace and prayers be upon him).
               | If the situation were to be reversed, then this could not
               | be the case. If anything, the man would not just be
               | neglecting his duties as a husband, but as a Muslim as
               | well. If the situation were to be reversed, it would
               | behove the woman to instead leverage this dominance in
               | order to encourage her husband to fulfill the rights he
               | owes to her and to humanity. If he accepts this, then the
               | natural order as described above would inevitably fall
               | into place.
        
               | 08-15 wrote:
               | His marriage already has a dominant partner: his wife.
        
               | [deleted]
        
               | ibn_khaldun wrote:
               | As salaamu alaikum. I love you. Thank you for sharing
               | this post and making the most profound comment that I
               | have read on this site, bar none.
               | 
               | It is strange to assume that two people who are different
               | by their very nature can be "equal". The sense of
               | equality between a man and a woman can only come about by
               | the fulfillment of the rights that exist between the two
               | of them, which are different but have to be observed
               | reciprocally.
               | 
               | The problem is that we (meaning humanity at large) are
               | totally unaware of the rights that we owe to each other.
               | Not just in the household, but outside of it as well.
               | Worst of all, we are unaware of the rights that are due
               | to our Creator.
               | 
               | May Allah, the One who is Most Gracious, strengthen you
               | and your wife. Ameen.
        
           | demadog wrote:
           | Just a thought, but what if you set a daily time limit of
           | being fully engaged and present with your wife, say for an
           | hour or two, but then it is understood that you need ~3 hrs
           | of alone time.
           | 
           | Sounds like you're an introvert and need time to recharge
           | from managing a team and you're burnt out from that.
           | 
           | I think she'd be delighted with an hour a day of full
           | presence, perhaps more on the weekend.
        
             | rel-throwaway wrote:
             | This is a good suggestion and something I am going to
             | attempt to negotiate. I think part of the problem is
             | something a person called out below -- we are fundamentally
             | different. She does not need the same amount of time alone
             | and may resent me for wanting that. But something to try.
        
               | joshspankit wrote:
               | If she resents you for something that is your nature,
               | that's (as you know) unsustainable. Resentments like that
               | may need to be dealt with with the help of a neutral
               | therapist.
        
             | Pet_Ant wrote:
             | I'm not sure how I would feel if my partner wanted to spend
             | 3 times as much time alone as with me. That's kind of
             | degrading unless you are both into that.
             | 
             | What are you getting out of the relationship at all? Sounds
             | like they should leave and be alone.
        
               | anotherman554 wrote:
               | In the TV show Six Feet Under one of the couples found
               | happiness when they realized they shouldn't live together
               | but they were happy to date each other and see each other
               | regularly, just not all the time, because the boyfriend
               | went through cycles when he enjoyed socializing and
               | cycles when he wanted to be alone.
               | 
               | That strikes me as fine if both people are happy with the
               | arrangement, but if kids are in the picture or one of the
               | partners is unhappy with this arrangement I don't know if
               | it will work.
        
           | alsetmusic wrote:
           | Have you considered getting a psych evaluation? I'm not
           | trying to swipe at you, I'm approaching this with the most
           | positive of intent.
           | 
           | What you're describing sounds like a personality disorder of
           | some sort. Identifying such may help surface strategies for
           | lessening those feelings. Disclaimer: not a mental health
           | professional, but have had a couple in my personal life.
        
         | throwstranger wrote:
         | From experience, I would explain it by an inability to accept
         | others, which could be traced to perfectionism and low self-
         | esteem.
         | 
         | With long term acquaintances, you start to notice
         | imperfections. If you have a low self-esteem, you could develop
         | this peronality where you are constantly judging others, and
         | trying to control and make them perfect, because they are part
         | of _your_ life.
         | 
         | This could have been caused by constant criticism received
         | during childhood, or abusive parents who were themselves
         | perfectionist in treating you, and didn't show enough
         | acceptance, pride and love.
        
         | bagacrap wrote:
         | It's a trademark of sociopathy to be superficially charming.
        
         | a2tech wrote:
         | I think its easy to lice in a shell you create for yourself
         | 10-12 hours a day. Its harder to live that life with people
         | you're around all the time. My Dad for instance was well liked
         | at his job and in the community. As soon as he left work and
         | those people behind the smiles and jokes stopped and he was
         | just mean and quiet with a temper that was never far from
         | reach. I think the person he was at work was the person he
         | wanted to be, but the person he was with us was his true self.
         | 
         | Its either that or he truly hated my mother, my brother, and
         | myself.
        
         | lolbrels wrote:
         | I think introverts have a tendency to shut down when
         | relationships get too involved and outside of their comfort
         | zone. Shallow acquaintances are usually just to make an
         | impression and there are no pre-conceived notions so it's
         | easier to be more comfortable having a quick interaction with
         | someone you'll never see again. Maybe because it feels fresh
         | and there isn't any baggage.
         | 
         | I didn't particularly like the ex-girlfriends responses
         | regarding him because I think speaking ill of the dead is lame
         | when they aren't there to give their side of the story. Also,
         | it sounded like she has issues of her own - which for someone
         | who is already suffering with mental illness, trying to care
         | for another person who also has mental illness is just a fool's
         | errand. But often time these sort of relationships happen where
         | there is so much negativity but due to illness both parties
         | continue with it despite that.
        
         | at-fates-hands wrote:
         | Agreed.
         | 
         | Its the idea that the more you learn about people and have to
         | be around them, you start to judge them and then realize they
         | aren't like you, so you push them away and crater relationships
         | on purpose so you can be alone and unencumbered by other
         | people's problems. It sounds to me like he did just that.
         | Easier to have short-term relationships and human contact when
         | you need it, but not long enough where you start to get bitter
         | about having to continue being around people you don't like.
         | 
         | He created a world that seemed to fit his personality better
         | than what he had been doing most of his life. It must have been
         | beneficial in some way if he continued doing it for so long.
        
           | tppiotrowski wrote:
           | > But soon he started to clam up and shut her out. "If
           | something upset him, he would stop talking to me completely.
           | Which can be lonely when you share a 500-square-foot
           | apartment," she says.
           | 
           | You definitely get the sense that he just wanted to be alone
           | at times. Hard to do that when you're in a long term
           | relationships because you have to adjust to some else's
           | schedule. Easier when your acquaintances are short-term.
        
             | hef19898 wrote:
             | And still no reason to treat people like crap, as he
             | apparently did.
        
         | adamredwoods wrote:
         | There could also have been some trauma/abuse with
         | parents/family. The author of the story seemed to suggest
         | something happened between him and the father.
        
         | nemonemo wrote:
         | My theory about what might have governed his behavior: boredom.
         | He was designing a game, which is a system designed to mitigate
         | the boredom issue. Knowing people better could make them boring
         | to one's eye -- there are familiar patterns, and not much
         | interesting new patterns developed. Nature has a lot of
         | interesting new patterns.. but maybe he eventually got bored
         | out of that too.
        
         | IfOnlyYouKnew wrote:
         | He wasn't abusive to his roommate or coworkers, so the divide
         | wasn't stranger/close acquaintance.
         | 
         | Sorry to spell it out, and I don't expect any sympathy for it,
         | but the pattern was man/woman.
        
           | tartoran wrote:
           | I highly doubt the pattern was as you put it man/woman. That
           | pattern seems to indicate that he was more abusive to people
           | who were closer to him.
        
         | nineplay wrote:
         | It is sadly typical and can result in something a friend of
         | mine experienced. She left her husband, told friends that he
         | was abusive, and the general response was "Him? But he's such a
         | great guy! You must be lying."
         | 
         | ( Fortunately for her, the friends who attempted to console him
         | pretty soon noticed how violent he got when he talked about
         | her. When he threw a glass at the wall at a friend's apartment,
         | she started getting a lot of apologies. )
         | 
         | It's almost an adaptive behavior. If they were violent to
         | strangers, they wouldn't have long term acquaintances.
        
         | polishdude20 wrote:
         | Could be the fact that strangers don't know you so they can't
         | judge you. Your long term friends and family know you possibly
         | better than you do. Being around friends and family can be a
         | great way to learn about yourself. The problem is, some people
         | see themselves and hate it.
        
         | Neil44 wrote:
         | Need for approval maybe. Skilled at getting approval from
         | strangers. Once in a relationship that disappears.
        
         | typefourpd wrote:
         | This is indicative of a personality disorder. My father had BPD
         | and behaved this way. My mother was borderline and behaved this
         | way.
         | 
         | People like this do not behave abusively towards their loved
         | ones all the time, it's pretty on-and-off. The loved one is
         | typically a dependent or avoidant. They remain in the
         | relationship because they need the positive affirmations, and
         | healthy people do not want to be with a dependent or avoidant.
         | So, no choice but to suffer the negativity also.
         | 
         | It's clear that this man developed a personality disorder as
         | the result of suffering abuse as a child.
        
           | TeaDrunk wrote:
           | This is indicative only of specific personality disorders.
           | There are several other personality disorders that don't
           | behave this way and are defined by other actions entirely,
           | eg. schizotypal personality disorder is mostly being defined
           | by distorted perceptions and belief systems.
        
           | jandrese wrote:
           | > It's clear that this man developed a personality disorder
           | as the result of suffering abuse as a child.
           | 
           | I don't think the causality is clear at all. If he treated
           | his parents the way he treated his girlfriends then his
           | childhood would have been rough no matter how loving they
           | were.
           | 
           | If he behaves like he did in the article: polite at first but
           | increasingly hostile the longer the relationship lasted then
           | he must have been a hellish teenager to wrangle. One part of
           | the article mentions that his anger at his father may have
           | been the result of putting him in an institution.
        
           | tartoran wrote:
           | > It's clear that this man developed a personality disorder
           | as the result of suffering abuse as a child.
           | 
           | I'd say that is pretty hard to tell from the hearsay and all
           | these are just speculations, which are okay. We're learning
           | more from these conversations anyway.
        
             | typefourpd wrote:
             | Thank you for your gentle and respectful method of
             | disagreement.
             | 
             | I agree that my assumption was based on hearsay.
             | Fundamentally, I don't believe that children who are loved
             | and protected by their primary caregivers shoot themselves
             | in the stomach in an attempt to die.
        
               | tartoran wrote:
               | You're welcome. Mental health is a very misunderstood
               | topic because it is something we cannot directly peer
               | into and the stigma associated with mental health makes
               | people hide it very well.
               | 
               | It is possible to have a who child goes off the rails in
               | a very nurturing and a generally normal family. I've seen
               | cases where one of the many siblings gets to become a
               | sociopath and the family never understands why and they
               | continue to be normal and consistently try to get their
               | sibling back on track. It is clear that abuse in the
               | family doesn't always play a role. But quite often it
               | does and while mental health has a hereditary component,
               | a bad environment only makes things worse.
               | 
               | I recommend Ramsay's movie 'We need to talk about Kevin'
               | to make an idea of how wrong it could go. Surely, it is a
               | movie but it's not too far from reality.
        
         | dspillett wrote:
         | Or it could be novelty in the new people overpowering any more
         | negative thoughts. The novelty falls off leaving the other to
         | show through.
        
         | fsckboy wrote:
         | there is a broad class of psychological problems called
         | "personality disorders" and they're basically "spectrum"
         | disorders, there's no one size fits all diagnosis for anybody,
         | and even skilled practitioners go through a tricky and time
         | consuming process of diagnosing patients directly, i.e. we
         | can't diagnose him from here based on 2nd hand information, and
         | especially because we are not skilled practitioners.
         | 
         | wrt your "personal theory" (sense of obligation leads to
         | resentment), that's too simplistic, but for the sake of
         | argument, let's say you are on the right track, here's how to
         | improve your understanding of personality disorders: all people
         | feel the resentment of obligations to those close to them. That
         | part is actually the normal part. The question is, why doesn't
         | the person with this disorder (we are hypothesizing) feel the
         | other positive parts of a close relationship that help a better
         | adjusted person feel in balance, and then take the normal
         | resentment of obligations in stride.
        
           | TeaDrunk wrote:
           | This doesn't apply to all personality disorders. Schizotypal
           | and paranoid personality disorders do not have this behavior
           | at all.
        
         | brobinson wrote:
         | "Familiarity breeds contempt"?
        
         | josepmdc wrote:
         | I think it's because when you spend a lot of time with someone,
         | you start to notice all of their annoying quirks you don't
         | usually see when you just met them. So after a while you start
         | to get tired and annoyed of them, and the way to deal with it
         | is with anger.
        
         | losteric wrote:
         | Perhaps some form of social anxiety or avoidant attachment?
         | It's easy to be friendly (or an asshole) in brief superficial
         | interactions, but longer interactions lead people to intimacy
         | that some find undesirable... fear of rejection can present as
         | hostility (essentially proactive rejection).
        
         | elmomle wrote:
         | I think it comes from liking people a priori, but having a
         | habituated expectation that the people we know will take from
         | us (our happiness, our time, etc.)--so that one can't feel safe
         | to be oneself with those one knows. IMO this expectation
         | typically comes from childhood and can best be mitigated via
         | mindfulness.
        
         | forgetfulness wrote:
         | Reading the article he was someone who was prone to neglect
         | people close to him. I wouldn't look for an explanation that
         | applies to everyone for that behavior.
         | 
         | I've known people closely people like that, there's a
         | selfishness to their lack of acknowledgement of others' needs
         | and wants, but it's more of a drive to do that than a reaction
         | to their existence; if and when they have nobody else to hollow
         | out with their negativity and neglect, they'll turn it on
         | themselves, and over time there will be just less and less of
         | themselves.
         | 
         | Notwithstanding that they can be charming on a superficial
         | level.
         | 
         | There's lots of ways people can have that pattern of being a
         | completely different beast to strangers than to intimate
         | partners in a bad way. Say on the other end the ones that make
         | their whole world about you, but that _specially_ means that
         | every single bad feeling of theirs will be offloaded or
         | straight up blamed on you.
        
         | zajio1am wrote:
         | Seems to me that there are two factors:
         | 
         | 1) If you are weird, then you have mismatched expectations
         | about relationships (and other social obligations) than
         | majority society. Not providing something that is expected
         | would be 'neglect', while expecting something that is not
         | provided would be 'entitlement'. Social rules with strangers or
         | casual acquaintances are much simpler.
         | 
         | 2) Being in some kind of deep relationship means emotional
         | stakes are higher. Perceived violations due to (1) causes
         | higher emotional damage if they are from someone near than
         | someone distant.
        
         | jgilias wrote:
         | I believe it's called a mask. People with some personality
         | disorders gradually develop a sort of behavioral mask to wear
         | in public in order to fit in into the wider society and be able
         | to achieve one's goals. However, having it 'on' is apparently
         | taxing, so it comes off around people who are in one way or
         | another part of some inner circle for whom there's no point to
         | pretend.
        
           | holtalanm wrote:
           | > However, having it 'on' is apparently taxing
           | 
           | That just sounds like standard introvert, though.
           | 
           | The hiker in the article, on the other hand, seems to be off-
           | the-deep-end introvert.
        
             | jgilias wrote:
             | It's... Not even close. What I had in mind was what
             | clinical narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths do. Their
             | brains are wired completely differently than what is
             | regarded as normal, to the point where you can see that on
             | CT scans. There was a story about a researcher who figured
             | out he's a high-functioning psychopath by looking at his CT
             | scans. I'm digressing. So, typically, starting from a very
             | early age they'd learn the behaviors they need to do in
             | order to not get into trouble. Down to 'make an upward arch
             | with your mouth when you see someone who knows you'. Must
             | be very hard to live like that, I don't think it's
             | comparable to what introverts do. Because introverts simply
             | amplify behaviors that they do have, or understand, or are
             | at least able to relate to from parts of personal
             | experience. Contrast that to literally coming up with an
             | artificial persona that you can't even relate to in any way
             | and having to always stick to that.
             | 
             | This is why the masks ar pretty much always super charming
             | and likeable. If you're acting anyway, might as well act
             | like someone that's super likeable. Pretty much how you max
             | out a player in some game.
        
           | kayodelycaon wrote:
           | That's what I call it. I've been hiding being bipolar since I
           | was nine years old.
           | 
           | I had a significant personality change after a psychotic
           | break and most people don't think I've changed. I know I
           | have.
        
             | tartoran wrote:
             | How do you know you've changed and it's not just the
             | perception of how you see yourself post the event? Did you
             | change your thinking patterns as well? If you're
             | uncomfortable to share that's more than okay and very
             | understandable.
        
               | kayodelycaon wrote:
               | Love to. I'm a card-carrying member of the Over-sharers
               | Club
               | 
               | The way I think and care about people has changed. I no
               | longer care what people think about me. At the same time,
               | I have a depth of compassion and empathy I couldn't have
               | had before.
               | 
               | I have no obligation to anyone. This lets me choose to
               | care about someone without getting unnecessarily
               | attracted. As a result, I can share my love and support
               | freely without worrying about people taking advantage of
               | me. I have no guilt showing people the door.
               | 
               | As a result of this, my motivations have changed. To use
               | a metaphor, I see myself as a light in a dark world. My
               | goal is to make everyone's day a little better. I'm not
               | some kind of savior, though I have saved lives. I'm just
               | a "good person" trying to do "good things".
               | 
               | My interests have changed in odd ways. I'd never have
               | written erotica but sex is far more interesting to me
               | now. This isn't a result of me being repressed. I've
               | always been asexual and been hypersexual since I was
               | nine. But now I'm deeply exploring sexuality in my
               | writing.
               | 
               | The last one is both odd and the most fundamental to my
               | being. Just take it at face value.
               | 
               | I had a deep, spiritual connection with wolves from six
               | years old until my break. That connection was a core part
               | of me and without it, I wouldn't have known who I was.
               | 
               | That connection is gone and I really don't care about it.
               | As far as I'm concerned, it was delusional thinking.
               | 
               | I no longer have the spirituality that was such a part of
               | me. There is only the rational world now. (Side note: My
               | faith in God had always been rational, not emotional or
               | spiritual.)
               | 
               | If I had to guess, I think sexuality took the place of
               | spiritually in my brain.
               | 
               | It's quite possible I haven't changed as much as I think,
               | but the world inside my head is so vastly different, I
               | can't understand the person I was before.
        
               | kayodelycaon wrote:
               | Another note on masks. If you've always been known for
               | your positive traits and your negative ones can be
               | overlooked by people who like you, many people won't
               | notice if your positive traits get better and your
               | negative ones become smoothed out.
               | 
               | If they do notice, they chalk it up to maturity.
        
           | dspillett wrote:
           | _> I believe it 's called a mask ... a sort of behavioral
           | mask to wear in public_
           | 
           | It is indeed fairly common. I'm affected (thankfully not
           | strongly these days) by bipolar behaviour. I try to present a
           | more average me as the mask.
           | 
           |  _> in order to fit in into the wider society and be able to
           | achieve one 's goals._
           | 
           | It can be more selfless than that. In work life it is about
           | fitting in (or at least not standing out in an inconvenient
           | way) but in personal life it is more that I don't people to
           | worry overly. I have things well managed, I know I can push
           | through, I know it will pass, there is no need to cause
           | stress in others.
           | 
           |  _> However having it  'on' is apparently taxing_
           | 
           | During a bad patch, the extra concentration adds up over time
           | if you find yourself having to work at it for a while. I
           | don't have many prolonged bad patches, I imagine it can get
           | exponentially harder for those more severely affected than
           | me. It is why a lot of people experiencing mental health
           | issues retreat away from interaction even if they are not
           | otherwise particularly introverted.
        
         | cgriswald wrote:
         | I had an ex that was sort of like this. She wasn't necessarily
         | abusive, but she needed everyone to like her and the people
         | that already did she didn't have to do anything to impress. I
         | interpreted it as a deep insecurity resulting in really fake
         | behavior: a mask as a sibling poster said.
        
         | S_A_P wrote:
         | Maybe this is oversharing, but maybe not. I have shades of this
         | in myself. I have a much smaller friend group than many folks
         | and a cynical take on most peoples motivations. I can say that
         | some of why I feel this way is just "how Im bent" and some is
         | from childhood experiences of having my trust betrayed or my
         | naivety taken advantage of. Throw in a bit of unpredictable mom
         | behavior and I generally dont want to owe anything to anyone.
         | 
         | When I first meet people Im more than happy to share, give of
         | myself, etc. Usually I will either feel that gestures are not
         | reciprocated, or taken for granted, so I pull back. Ive
         | wondered if I feel like Im expecting too much of my generosity
         | and I think Ive been guilty of that before. At this point
         | though I think I have reflected enough and changed to where
         | this is not the case.
         | 
         | Long term- I feel like being social requires me to "be on"
         | which is exhausting to me. I would rather only see people when
         | I can be decent company so I end up seeing people much less
         | than more socially adept folks...
        
           | atotic wrote:
           | I can relate to some of your quirks. I am now 50+, with 3
           | kids, and I've left most of the quirks behind.
           | 
           | I used to always try to please others. My dysfunctional
           | family liked it that way. It made their life easier. That was
           | one of the last quirks to go. It was only after being forced
           | into being assertive to defend my kids, I've realized that it
           | is ok to stand up for yourself. Life's been much better
           | since, surprisingly, most people appreciate assertiveness.
           | And being assertive is not nearly as exhausting as being
           | nice.
           | 
           | It was a long journey, started with therapy 25 years ago.
        
           | adamc wrote:
           | You might just be an HSP: https://www.amazon.com/Highly-
           | Sensitive-Person-Thrive-Overwh...
           | 
           | I've had this problem in many contexts. Some of it stems from
           | childhood circumstances, but it's also that I often read
           | people better than they seemingly know themselves, i.e.,
           | noticing anger that they don't think they have. This can
           | cause a lot of stress.
        
             | MeinBlutIstBlau wrote:
             | From the about portion of that, it mostly reads like
             | symptoms of people with Schizoid Personality Disorder or
             | Avoidant Personality Disorder. While it can be a good
             | survival trait in the grand scheme of things, culturally in
             | the US it's as useful as being born poor.
        
               | adamc wrote:
               | It's pretty different. My kid had it, and there were some
               | things we did early to help him study, but nothing like
               | either of those disorders. It's more tied to very high
               | empathy.
               | 
               | However, you do have to learn how to avoid taking on
               | other people's emotional burdens.
        
           | MeinBlutIstBlau wrote:
           | I have the same issue as well. Often I feel like people are
           | taking advantage of me. I feel like I have a good sense of
           | people's intentions even before they say them. Also if I
           | don't receive reciprocation in any way, it further reinforces
           | to me the taking advantage of belief.
        
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