https://chrislakin.blog/p/social-anxiety Locally Optimal Locally Optimal SubscribeSign in Social anxiety isn't about being liked Chris Lakin's avatar Chris Lakin May 16, 2025 296 12 39 Share There's this popular idea that socially anxious folks are just dying to be liked. It seems logical, right? Why else would someone be so anxious about how others see them? Carmen @carmenleelau all the things that make people unlikable are actually their mistaken attempts to be likable, aka the ways they feel they must suppress/contort themselves to get intimacy -- I have yet to encounter someone who under their armor is detestable, but over time the armor becomes skin 10:03 PM * Apr 23, 2025 * 28.4K Views Show tweet And yet, being socially anxious tends to make you less likeable...they must be optimizing poorly, behaving irrationally, right? Maybe not. What if social anxiety isn't about getting people to like you? What if it's about stopping them from disliking you? Chris Lakin @ChrisChipMonk "why are emotions so illogical?" emotions *are* logical you're just bad at logic Show tweet Consider what can happen when someone has social anxiety (or self-loathing, self-doubt, insecurity, lack of confidence, etc.): * They stoop or take up less space * They become less agentic * They make fewer requests of others * They maintain fewer relationships, go out less, take fewer risks... If they were trying to get people to like them, becoming socially anxious would be an incredibly bad strategy. So what if they're not concerned with being likeable? What if what they actually want is to avoid being disliked? To understand the object of an obscure plot, observe its consequences and ask who might have intended them... --Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality What if the socially anxious were calibrating to avoid being DISliked? Consider: if you shrink and never make any attention-getting moves, you are less likely to dangerously disappoint others, get into risky conflicts or be seen as a failure, embarrassment, or threat. Like, yeah, it's wonderful to do awesome things and have people love you. But you know what's better than being loved? People not hating you. Being liked is not the goal. Spectrum: . Being not disliked is the goal. Social anxiety is a symptom of risk aversion It's not a pursuit of potential upside, but an attempt to avoid downsides. Once you see this pattern, you see it everywhere. Two examples: 1) When you feel financially insecure, you're not optimizing for windfall as much as you're optimizing for not going bankrupt. You avoid risky bets with higher EV in favor of safer, more predictable options, even if they offer smaller returns. The goal is to keep you fed, not to make you rich. Risk-Averse: fewer big losses, less upside. Risk-Embracing: more big losses more upside. Bankruptcy Safety Windfall. @ChrisChipMonk chrislakin.blog/social-anxiety 2) Reversely, countersignalling is a demonstration of safety in close relationships. In Scott Alexander's Friendship is Countersignalling, he describes an interaction he has with a friend: Becca: What are you doing here? I figured they'd have locked you away in the psych ward for good by now. Scott: Nope. And what are you doing here? You haven't killed off all your patients yet? Becca: Only person in this hospital I might kill is standing right in front of me. Scott: Be careful, I'm armed and dangerous *picks up a central line placement practice set menacingly* The security of good friendship diffuses your anxiety about making a social faux pas and enables you to take more risks. What does this mean for your growth? If you believe your primary goal is to "be liked" and you keep finding yourself hiding in the shadows, you'll feel like a total failure. This hurts! But all our feelings have their own kind of logic. Even when we do things that seem self-sabotaging, there's usually an incentive that makes sense in that specific context - even if it maybe not the best strategy overall. Locally optimal! Consider: what if all these symptoms of social anxiety aren't failures of a system trying to be liked, but successes of a system trying to avoid being disliked? What if you've been operating pretty rationally this whole time, but not for the outcome you thought you were optimizing for? What if you're not failing at being liked - you're succeeding at avoiding being disliked? [https] Recognize this, and you'll be able to shift your focus to the real work: becoming comfortable with the worst-case scenarios your anxiety is protecting you from. The solution isn't trying harder to be liked. It's unlearning your discomfort with being disliked. 296 12 39 Share Discussion about this post CommentsRestacks User's avatar [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ] Andrew's avatar Andrew May 22 This is one of those "obvious" things that nonetheless needs to be pointed out because people are often poor at understanding their own behaviour Expand full comment Reply Share Reader's avatar Reader May 26 This is spot on--speaking from experience. Expand full comment Reply Share 10 more comments... TopLatestDiscussions No posts Ready for more? [ ] Subscribe (c) 2025 Chris Lakin Privacy [?] Terms [?] Collection notice Start your SubstackGet the app Substack is the home for great culture This site requires JavaScript to run correctly. Please turn on JavaScript or unblock scripts