https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-marriage-proposal-spoken-entirely-in-office-jargon [search-614] Search [ ] * Internet Tendency * The Store * Books Division * Quarterly Concern * The Believer * Donate [q2krp6ge2y] McSweeney's Internet Tendency Daily humor almost every day since 1998. Daily humor almost every day since 1998. [mk7eerrhzg] The Believer Magazine Subscribe today to climb aboard this unstoppable train of a literary journal. January 15, 2025 A Marriage Proposal Spoken Entirely in Office Jargon by Evan Barber GARY: Hey Cindy, remember the other day when we were talking about optimizations? CINDY: Yeah, I wanted to circle back on that. GARY: Me too. You said you wanted to see hockey-stick growth. Well, I've realized that I want to see hockey-stick growth too--in our relationship. CINDY: Unpack that for me. GARY: This relationship has been such a value-add. Some of my friends were worried that it would take too long for us to get into alignment. But you have been an absolute rockstar. CINDY: I feel the same way, Gary. The ROI on this relationship has been unbelievable. You've really given 110 percent. GARY: So I wanted to close the loop. In addition to the other deliverables, I have one more. (He takes a knee, and holds out his hand.) It's this wedding ring. Cindy, will you marry me? CINDY: I will, Gary. You have been an absolute ninja. This moves the needle in a significant way. GARY: Getting married will represent a huge pivot, but I see it as a quick win, and a real solve. CINDY: Me too. And we can talk about this later, but--I do want to make sure we go forward with a single source of truth. GARY: Break that down for me. CINDY: I used to be with a guy who was full of valuable insights--but his insights weren't actionable, let alone fundable. GARY: Sounds like low-hanging fruit. CINDY: He was. And I know you're different. The synergy is unbelievable. But I want to make sure we stay focused on core values. Which, for me, comes down to the bottom line. GARY: By bottom line, you're talking about the financials? CINDY: Not having enough spend was a big pain point for me. I don't know how else to say it. You're more than your financials, but you're not less than them. (Long pause.) GARY: I think I understand. CINDY: Just wanted to touch base on how you're feeling about that. GARY: Well, look. We both know the importance of data-driven insights. So I think I've got a solve. What if we set up a weekly one-on-one to check in and stack hands on the financials as we start to plan for our new normal? CINDY: I would love that. But I'm so sorry, I have a three-thirty. GARY: Okay, let's table this for now. In the meantime, if you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask. CINDY: Sounds good. Let's circle back tonight, and we can action on our solve. * Marriage * Proposals * Jargon * Offices * Workplaces Please help support our writers and keep our site ad-free by becoming a patron. Become a patron Subscribe to McSweeney's Internet Tendency's Substack Subscribe to McSweeney's Internet Tendency's Newsletter Who Better to Address Sexual Assault in the Military Than a Man Who Has Been Accused of Sexual Assault? Suggested Reads * August 17, 2012 Before You Ask Me Why There's a Buck Shooter Pro Arcade Game Where the China Cabinet Used to Be, Let Me Put Things Into Perspective by Eric Hawthorn * December 21, 2003 Sestina: The Temp by Janice Erlbaum * October 27, 2005 The Author's Letter to His Soon-to-Be Ex-Wife by Luciana Lopez * November 22, 2024 Reasons That I, a Trans Woman, Have Had to Use the Bathroom at My Workplace by Natasha Dumas Trending 1. January 8, 2025 Did You Even Consider Every Possible Lived Experience Before Recklessly Posting Your Chili Recipe on Social Media? by Megan Neary 2. January 9, 2025 I Will Pay Any Amount to Not Pay My Taxes by Andrew Singleton 3. January 1, 2025 Class Is Canceled Until Further Notice While I Do My Job by Laura McCullough 4. January 3, 2025 Local Alternatives to "California Sober" by Pat Cassels Recently * January 15, 2025 Signs You Are a Gen-Xer Who's About to Turn Sixty by Lisa Borders * January 15, 2025 A Marriage Proposal Spoken Entirely in Office Jargon by Evan Barber * January 14, 2025 Who Better to Address Sexual Assault in the Military Than a Man Who Has Been Accused of Sexual Assault? by Carlos Greaves * January 14, 2025 One Upside of the Total Collapse of Civilization Is We Don't Have to Be Woke Anymore by Jonathan Zeller McSweeney's is an independent nonprofit publishing company based in San Francisco. As well as operating a daily humor website, we also publish Timothy McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Illustoria and an ever-growing selection of books under various imprints. You can buy all of these things from our online store. You can support us today by making a donation. 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