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Business | Bartleby

A retiring consultant's advice on consultants

How to manage the snake-oil salesmen

A man shaking hands with a management consultant who has tentacles
for legsimage: Paul Blow
Aug 17th 2023
Share

DEAR Robin, I was delighted when you commissioned me to prepare this
report for you after our discussion at the club. As a newly appointed
chief executive at a Fortune 500 company, a thrilling yet perilous
adventure awaits you. I commend your wisdom in choosing to hire a
management consultant to guide you on your way.

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I, naturally, would have been ideally positioned, given my many years
of experience serving your company's principal rival. Alas, the time
comes in every man's life when he must hang up his hat and retire to
his home in the Bahamas. As my swan song, I have thrown together, as
requested, a few thoughts on how to handle my kind. I hope you find
the attached 120-page PowerPoint presentation useful. Below you will
find a brief summary.

Be ready for the "bait and switch": Do not be fooled by the eloquent
veterans who will turn up to your office to plead for your business.
The work will mostly be done by clever but pimply 20-somethings,
armed with two-by-two matrix frameworks recycled from client to
client. What they lack in wisdom will be made up for in long hours.
You need not feel sorry for them. They are cocooned in a shell of
fancy meals, lavish hotels and private drivers--at your expense.

At first you will find them to be of no use at all--detrimental,
even--as they harry your management team with endless questions and
urgent requests for data. Eventually, they will win you over with
their brains and gumption--or be quietly replaced. Meanwhile, those
grey-haired senior partners will pop by from time to time. Beware.

Watch out for "land and expand": We consultants are masters of the
clandestine sale. If you hire us for a two-month project, it will
assuredly take 12. By the time it ends, our tentacles will have
spread. Ask for a new company strategy, blink, and we will be cutting
your costs, fixing your IT systems and tinkering with your supply
chain.

Like many other bosses, you may one day tire of our eye-watering
rates and decide to poach the cleverest consultants for yourself. We
will happily oblige. The most reliable missionary for the merits of
consulting is one of our own. The more senior, the better. Hire them,
but do not give them the cheque book.

Question everything: Every self-respecting consultant knows that big
recommendations demand big numbers. As a rule, divide everything you
see by two. Never trust a benchmark; I made up most of mine. And
carefully read those endless notes at the bottom of charts. That is
often where the dirtiest secrets are buried. Be doubly dubious of any
consulting reports your underlings happen to commission, especially
when they recommend a bigger budget for said underling.

Take none of the blame: As a freshly minted chief executive, you are
undoubtedly brimming with ideas. Many of them are terrible. Some may
prove catastrophic. Among the valuable services offered by management
consultants is the human shield. Make sure your board knows it was
they who recommended the disastrous new product line or the
overpriced acquisition. You always had your doubts, but trusted their
illustrious reputations. Equally, your consultants may, from time to
time, stumble upon a good idea. You thought of it first.

Experiment with polygamy: Your consultants will do their utmost to
woo you into exclusivity. There will be much talk of "long-term
partnership". Yet it is a one-sided monogamy they seek. Fidelity is
not in a consultant's nature. Chances are they are already advising
your competitors, with only the thinnest of Chinese walls between
teams.

Follow their example and hire their rivals, too. Ideally, sit them in
adjacent rooms at your offices. Consultants are fiercely competitive,
and nothing will better spur them on to even longer reports than
seeing their nemeses wandering the halls of your company. If bored,
invite representatives of two warring firms to a meeting and watch
them tussle for your favour.

As I look back on my career, I am not too proud to admit that I have
occasionally fleeced the odd firm. But I maintain that my profession
is a noble one. "Impact", after all, is our industry's watchword.
(Admittedly, I never was quite clear what it meant, but you cannot
deny it sounds lofty.)

One final thought to conclude: there is never a problem too big or
small for a consultant. That I can confirm from experience. Your
bill, including expenses, is attached. Good luck. #

Read more from Bartleby, our columnist on management and work:
A refresher on business air-travel etiquette (Aug 4th)
The dark and bright sides of power (Jul 27th)
Workplace advice from our agony uncle (Jul 20th)

Also: How the Bartleby column got its name

This article appeared in the Business section of the print edition
under the headline "Lifting the veil"

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