https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/youre-a-cyclist-who-was-just-struck-by-a-car-driver-heres-why-it-was-your-fault [search-614] Search [ ] * Internet Tendency * The Store * Books Division * Quarterly Concern * The Believer * Donate [q2krp6ge2y] McSweeney's Internet Tendency Daily humor almost every day since 1998. Daily humor almost every day since 1998. [b06ic48nq5] MCSWEENEY'S QUARTERLY SUBSCRIPTIONS "An enduring literary presence."--Chicago Tribune "Brilliant and always surprising."--Detroit Free Press Subscribe to McSweeney's Quarterly today. Use the code TENDENCY at checkout for $5 off. August 11, 2023 You're a Cyclist Who Was Just Struck by a Car Driver. Here's Why It Was Your Fault by Chas Gillespie You were riding during rush hour. Why were you riding then? There are way too many cars on the road. If you were commuting, you should have contacted your boss and politely asked to work from 3:00 a.m. to 11:00 a.m. instead. You were riding at night or in the early morning. There's no way drivers can see you. Remember: if you're one of those people who rides bikes because it keeps the mental darkness at bay, the best time to do so is in the middle of the workday. You were riding in the middle of the workday. The only people who should ride their bikes during the workday are bike messengers, who I also dislike. They weave, they bob--it's inappropriate. Bike messengers need to do what drivers do: go straight, get pissed off, and hate everyone. You were riding on a back road. Those roads are narrow and have a lot of twists and turns. There are hardly any cyclists on them. Drivers weren't expecting you! You were riding on a main road. Again, too much traffic. We've been over this. You were riding in the morning, or at night, or on a quiet road, or a main road. Do I honestly have to spell it out for you? The only appropriate time and place to ride a bike is a time beyond time and a place beyond place, where the space-time continuum is bent so strangely you are both everywhere and nowhere, eternal and nonexistent. You must become the smoke that comes from shadow, the sound of blue, the smell that emanates from the number twelve. You didn't signal properly. I mean, no, I don't have any "evidence" for that, but you must have done something wrong for an upstanding citizen like the driver of a Ford Focus that looks like it got into a fight with a forklift to strike you. The stats are on my side. Sixty-six percent of drivers routinely commit moving violations, compared with 5 percent of cyclists when they have somewhere safe to ride. That's why I believe drivers. Your bike isn't an SUV. If your bike were an SUV, we wouldn't be having this conversation. You'd be fine. In fact, it would be the Ford Focus driver who'd be all messed up. And that's why SUVs are considered safe. You forgot to go back in time and tell people that subsidizing the oil industry might be a bad idea. When the oil and auto industries teamed up to bend public policy to their will, making a system of roads and parking lots that now function as a continuous subsidy and magnificent symbol of the normalization of injury and pollution, you had a lot of options. You could have objected. You could have shifted public opinion. Instead, you weren't even born yet. And, rather than go back in time, all you've been doing is riding to get groceries and occasionally saying, "Please stop killing us." On the effort scale? 1/10. Frankly, I'm not sure a driver even hit you. Maybe you were just clipped by a Nissan van. Was there a driver in the van? Has the passive voice historically functioned to deflect responsibility and consolidate unjust power arrangements? These are all fascinating questions that, sadly, we will never know the answers to. Oops, looks like you died. Miraculously, the driver has been arrested and will face involuntary vehicular homicide. For killing you, the driver will get a hundred days in prison. Apparently, killing someone is basically legal if you do it with a car. Also, our liberal city council has decided to make positive change. As I write, they're enforcing strict new rules to ensure no one can ride their bikes in this part of town ever again. * Bicycling * Bicycles * Cars Please help support our writers and keep our site ad-free by becoming a patron today! 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August 4, 2023 I Regret to Announce That I Will Not Be Canceling My Plans with You Tonight by Sam Shafaghi 4. July 5, 2011 What Your Favorite '80s Band Says About You by John K. Peck Recently * August 15, 2023 I'm Racketeering Charges, and I'm Here to Rock This Presidential Indictment-Fest Like You Wouldn't Believe by Jess Keefe * August 15, 2023 Welcome to Your New City in the Northwest, Where Recycling Is So Simple by Tori Multon * August 14, 2023 Can I Get Away with This on the Bus? An FAQ for the Modern Commuter by Seif Drywater * August 14, 2023 Predictive Texts for the Conflict-Averse by Tom Ellison and Caitlin Kunkel [eyes_store] A New York Times Bestseller. "This beautiful book is destined to be a classic." --Buffalo News [Ultimate_C] "A key barometer of the literary climate." --The New York Times [daddyboy_c] "A beautiful flight toward a life one can believe in. 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