https://www.jefftk.com/p/how-to-parent-more-predictably

Jeff Kaufman
Posts
RSS
<<RSS
Contact
---------------------------------------------------------------------

How to parent more predictably July 10th, 2018
                                          kids

(As with anything else I write about parenting, this is mostly just
my observations with my own two kids and may not generalize as well
as I think it does.)

A few weeks ago I wrote about why I think it's valuable for parents
to be predictable. I was mostly describing an end state, though, and
reasons why it's a good place to be, but what should you do if you're
interested in being more consistent?

I think it breaks down into three pretty different skills. The first
is only saying things you're comfortable fully standing behind. Many
people especially when irritable, sleep deprived, or surprised, can
quickly spit out a consequence that is harsher than is fair. Things
like, "if you don't stop this minute it's no desserts for a week!"
Then when the threat fails the consequence feels too extreme, and
they don't follow through. If someone read my earlier post and
decided they needed to stand by their quickly distributed threats I'd
be pretty sad, and not expect this to make things better. Instead,
any consequences need to be reasonable and proportionate, where you
feel fair when you do have to enforce them (which, ideally, is
rarely).

One thing that can be helpful is having a system of simple stock
responses. The simplest is just a stern voice. If you reserve
speaking firmly for rare circumstances, then saying something
intensely and seriously can feel very significant.

Time outs can also work well: we use a system where we make it clear
what needs to change ("stop shouting", "brush your teeth"), count to
three, slowly and clearly, stopping if they do what we want, and if
we get to three then it's time out. Serious things can be time out
immediately. If you reliably use these, then not only does the kid
understand how they work and what they mean but you don't have to
come up with a novel appropriate response at a time when you're very
stressed ("Do not bite me. That's time out.)

Even better, though, is avoiding commands and threats entirely. If
they've been playing with a puzzle and they ask you to read to them,
you can say you'll read once they clean up the puzzle (and depending
on age maybe help them clean it up). They probably want you to read
badly enough that they clean up, but if not that's ok too. You're
using something they want you to do as leverage to get them do
something they should do, but you're also teaching them the general
practice of cleaning up one thing before getting out another.

Similarly, don't make commitments unnecessarily. Instead of "I'll go
downstairs and get your bear" maybe "I'll go downstairs and look for
your bear." While with adults we understand that when a person says
they'll do something they mean they'll put in a reasonable effort and
may fail if the task is surprisingly difficult or if factors outside
their control intervene, I find that with kids being explicit about
likely failure possibilities is helpful. "I'll go see if we have any
more cheese sticks." Similarly, adults understand that you don't have
authority over everyone around you, but with kids phrasing like "Mama
can read to you when we get home" isn't as good as "I'll ask Mama if
she'll read to you when we get home." Or, even better, "when we get
home you can ask Mama if she'll read to you." [1]

The next skill is thinking of rules that will work well in a range of
situations. These can be explicit rules ("hold hands when crossing
the street) or implicit ones (saying yes/no without explaining
reasoning but following a pattern you could explain if asked). I find
thinking "saying yes/no no means saying the same thing in this sort
of situation in general" is a helpful way of thinking about it. [2]

This is another case where preparation can help. Before going to the
beach, think about what rule you'll have for the water: "stay with a
grown up the whole time", "only go in the water with a grown up",
"only go in the water by yourself right in front of the lifeguard."
If you notice yourself giving inconsistent answers to questions, take
some time later to figure out if there's a rule that would work
better ("one short video each night, after dinner"). It's ok, and
expected, to end up with a rule that doesn't match some of your
previous decisions, just try to get a rule you'll be happy with. ("I
know we did let you stand on the table sometimes, but from now on
there's no standing on the table.")

The easiest rules to be consistent with are the ones our culture has
for adults, since you and everyone else more or less know what these
are. As kids are generally less capable, tall, intelligent, prudent,
etc than the people these rules have evolved for, you are going to
need to make accomodations. But I find that starting with a
perspective of treating kids like adults unless there is a reason
otherwise works well.

The third skill is actually following through on things you've said.
The better you get at the two skills above the easier this is: you're
saying fewer things that need to be backed up, the consequences
you've promised are ones that generally seem fair, and your kids
generally understand the patterns and choose to avoid the
consequences. But they will still test to see if maybe the boundary
has retracted while they weren't looking, and when they do you need
to be firm. Sometimes this is unpleasant for both of you but it makes
the rest of your interactions far better. [3]

(One way that poverty is harmful, and that parenting while well off
is unfairly easy, is that external factors can keep you from being
reliable for your kids. If I tell them I will do something I have
enough control that I can make sure it happens, but if I had work
with less flexibility, less money, or generally less slack this would
be much harder. Similarly, it's much harder to be predictable when
you're tired, hungry, overworked, or otherwise not at your best. If I
tell my kid no and they decide to test me by tantruming, I'm going to
be able to be stubborn longer than they can. But I'm only able to be
in a good mental state for that because I've been lucky in how well
my life has gone.)


[1] The first version, "Mama can read to you when we get home," has a
different downside which is that one parent is making a promise on
behalf of another. We try very hard not to do this, and being careful
about it generally makes our interactions a lot better.

[2] This is also useful for yourself. Instead of "do I want to skip
exercising this morning because I'm sleepy" it works better to ask
"do I want to skip exercising every morning where I'm this sleepy."
Sometimes the answer is yes, often it's no, but it's much more likely
to be a decision that looking back you'll think was the right one for
you to make.

[3] I've phrased this as about verbal consistency, but it works even
when the kid is too young for words. Sleep training, for example,
generally needs a bunch of thinking "I know they're really sad right
now and short term would like a cuddle, but we will both be much
happier long term if they learn how to sleep on their own."

 
-
Whole House Fan + Evaporative Cooler More fun with multitracking
-

Comment via: google plus, facebook, lesswrong, hacker news

Recent posts on blogs I like:

Some careers are overhyped to children

You will probably not have a career on the stage The post Some
careers are overhyped to children appeared first on Otherwise.

via Otherwise August 6, 2023

Self-driving car bets

This month I lost a bunch of bets. Back in early 2016 I bet at even
odds that self-driving ride sharing would be available in 10 US
cities by July 2023. Then I made similar bets a dozen times because
everyone disagreed with me. The first deployment to pot...

via The sideways view July 29, 2023

Fiddle

I first started playing fiddle when I was five, just around my
birthday. I had really wanted a fiddle because I wanted to learn how
to play it and my parents got me one for my birthday so I started
taking lessons. Though after a couple of lessons I start...

via Lily Wise's Blog Posts July 13, 2023

more     (via openring)

More Posts

  * Focus

  * Lifelong investments

  * Mercury Spill

  * History of Earning to Give III: John Wesley

  * Growing Independence

open
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Kaufman
Posts
RSS
<<RSS
Contact