https://tidyfirst.substack.com/p/emotions-a-code-book Software Design: Tidy First? Subscribe Sign in Share this post [https] Emotions: A Code Book tidyfirst.substack.com Copy link Facebook Email Notes Other Personal Emotions: A Code Book [https] Kent Beck Jul 24, 2023 73 Share this post [https] Emotions: A Code Book tidyfirst.substack.com Copy link Facebook Email Notes Other 14 Share What I write about my own personal journey is intended as just that--my personal journey. If you are having serious trouble, get help from a professional. [https] Envy helped me realize that I was afraid that my social standing was at risk (because of wobbly financials) & helped me do something about it (edit Tidy First?, coming soon from O'Reilly). The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren introduced me to this framing of emotions as envelopes containing important messages. I have often introduced coaching students to this model when they describe "negative" emotions at work. The book intimidated me at 450 pages. Having finally read it through I can say there is loads of good stuff in there. However, I'm focusing on one aspect today--what kind of message does each emotion bring? (There's lots more in the book about what to do about each emotion, how each emotion can go wrong, what to do about someone else experiencing that emotion, & how to build skills to deal constructively with all this--read the book if that sounds interesting.) How did I get to where I needed a cheat sheet or code book for my own emotions? I experienced overwhelming emotions as a kid. I learned to numb myself to survive (kudos to Kid Kent for figuring that out!). When I hit 42, all those suppressed emotions burst their dam & I (and those around me) had a tough few years. Since then I've been practicing opening these envelopes as they come, reading the message, doing something about it, & moving on. (Poker is great practice for this.) Here then, in brief, is the code book--what kind of message does each emotion bring? * Fear--a call to focus. I need to increase a priority & let go of other things. * Anger--a call to establish & enforce my boundaries. * Anxiety--a call to pay attention to something I am ignoring. * Flashbacks--a call to deal with my past trauma. * Confusion--a call to step back & re-establish my intentions. For me this often takes the form of asking what I would do if I was serving my mission to help geeks feel safe in the world. * Envy--a call to safeguard my social standing. * Jealousy--a call to safeguard (or let go of) an important relationship. * Hatred--a call to accept something about myself I don't like. * Boredom--a call to do something I am avoiding. * Apathy--a call to accept that I am stuck. * Guilt--a call to change. * Shame--a call to accept myself & then change. * Terror--a call to freeze in the face of fear (rather than run or attack). * Sadness--a call to release something I'm attached to. * Despair--a stronger form of sadness. I really need to release something I'm attached to. * Grief--a call to honor loss. * Depression--a call to understand deeply. * Suicidal thoughts--a call to change. (I hesitated to include this. If this is you, get help. I've read too many "logical" geek suicide notes. My suicidal thoughts diminished when I learned to interpret them as saying, "I really don't want to be in this situation.") As I said, there's so much more to this, but this is my cheat sheet. When I experience an emotion & say "ewww yuck", I (as quickly as possible) look the emotion up in the table above & try to decode the message it's bringing. Note: emotions are tricksy. They can be about here & now or they can be about the past. One emotion can trigger another (fear-anger is a classic). I've only been practicing for 20 years so I can't claim to be any good at reading the language of emotions. I can say that, as with any language, the locals will appreciate you even speaking a few words. As a geek, I take great satisfaction in helpfully decoding an emotion. It's like a puzzle, one of those substitution cyphers I loved as a kid. The deeper & quicker I find a helpful message, the better I like it. These brains we have? They are pretty weird. The better I learn to operate mine, the better. 73 Share this post [https] Emotions: A Code Book tidyfirst.substack.com Copy link Facebook Email Notes Other 14 Share Previous 14 Comments [https] [ ] Dan Writes Dan speaks 2 hr agoLiked by Kent Beck I want to call out the fuzziness around "Despair - a stronger form of sadness" I think this is a mischaracterization, and the clue is that it's not sufficiently distinguished from other emotions. I'll offer my perspective in case it clarifies things. Despair isn't a stronger form of sadness. Despair is is the emotional state of being compelled to stop waiting and take action. This is what it means to "be desperate". Etymologically, the word comes from Latin "esperare" (to wait or to hope) modified with the prefix "des" (negation), so the original meaning of the word is almost literally "stop [https] waiting". Despair doesn't feel like sadness. If it does, it's not despair, it's just even deeper sadness. The pit of sadness is quite a deep one and you can keep going further and further down without finding an exit. Despair is the exit. Despair is how you feel when you can't stand it anymore and start climbing out of the pit, whatever it takes. Despair feels like a cousin of anger, but not so hot and loud. It's the source of motivation of last resort. The existential need to change one's circumstances by direct action, because passively waiting (hoping) for a change to happen on it's own is no longer tolerable. It feels like an itch that must be scratched. It's persistent and insistent and won't go away until it's dealt with directly and on it's own terms. Expand full comment Reply 1 reply by Kent Beck Gervais Johnson Writes IEMAgile Newsletter Jul 24Liked by Kent Beck Like the book and ideas. I think emotions is part of being human. I think sharing is a good catharsis and valuable to [https] others. As a gay autistic (Asperger) nerd with many scars, I can relate to the need for EQ. Looking forward to reading the new book, I was one of the very early adopters of XP and now or still involved with DevSecOps and everything techie. Expand full comment Reply 1 reply by Kent Beck 12 more comments... Top New Community No posts Ready for more? [ ]Subscribe (c) 2023 Kent Beck Privacy [?] Terms [?] Collection notice Start WritingGet the app Substack is the home for great writing This site requires JavaScript to run correctly. Please turn on JavaScript or unblock scripts