https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/l-p-d-libertarian-police-department Skip to main content The New Yorker * Newsletter To revisit this article, select My Account, then View saved stories Close Alert Sign In Search * News * Books & Culture * Fiction & Poetry * Humor & Cartoons * Magazine * Puzzles & Games * Video * Podcasts * Archive * Goings On * Shop Open Navigation Menu To revisit this article, visit My Profile, then View saved stories Close Alert The New Yorker More Humor * A Few Thanksgiving Reminders * What Thanksgiving Dishes Mean * Thanksgiving Rules Revised * Amazon Thanksgiving Day Parade Daily Shouts L.P.D.: Libertarian Police Department By Tom O'Donnell March 31, 2014 * * * * * Save this story for later. * * * * * Save this story for later. L.P.D. Libertarian Police Department I was shooting heroin and reading "The Fountainhead" in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief. "Bad news, detective. We got a situation." "What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?" "Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars' worth of bitcoins." The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. "What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?" "Not yet. But mark my words: we're going to figure out who did this and we're going to take them down ... provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so." "Easy, chief," I said. "Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair." He laughed. "That's why you're the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins." "Don't worry," I said. "I'm on it." I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside. "Home Depot(tm) Presents the Police!(r)" I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. "Nobody move unless you want to! " They didn't. "Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?" No one spoke up. "Come on," I said. "Don't you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?" It didn't seem like they did. "Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I'm just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters." Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn't care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing. I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it. "Subway(tm) Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!(r)" I yelled. Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him. "Stop right there!" I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen. I was losing him. "Listen, I'll pay you to stop!" I yelled. "What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I'll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn 'Bob Barr '08' extra-large long-sleeved men's T-shirt!" He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose. "All right, all right!" the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. "I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins." "Why'd you do it?" I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos(tm) Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs(r) on the guy. "Because I was afraid." "Afraid?" "Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers," he said. "I'm a central banker." I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head. "Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street," I said. "No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you'll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom." He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him. Tom O'Donnell's children's novel, "Space Rocks!" is out now. Photograph: Spencer Platt/Getty Tom O'Donnell is an author and TV writer. The latest book in his "Hamstersaurus Rex" series will be published in October. More:Humor Daily Humor Sign up for the Daily Humor newsletter and get The New Yorker cartoons and Shouts--plus more funny stuff--every day in your in-box! E-mail address [ ] Sign up By signing up, you agree to our User Agreement and Privacy Policy & Cookie Statement. Read More Yellow caution tape in front of a street. daily-shouts I, a Conservative, Am Terrified by the Crime in a City I've Never Been To There's a crime-ridden neighborhood called Bushwick, where permanently sick-looking people in their twenties live in dirty warehouses. By Kashana Cauley The back of a person in a coat looking at packages in a store. secret-mission-dept Among the Undercover Inflation Trackers A trip to the store with one of the secretive bureaucrats who fan out across America recording how much the price of milk or doggy day care has risen. By Katia Savchuk Portrait of John Lott inset in a handgun over an urban landscape a-reporter-at-large The Shoddy Conclusions of the Man Shaping the Gun-Rights Debate John Lott is the most influential pro-gun researcher in the country. But his methods and findings have been repeatedly debunked. By Mike Spies Child standing on feet of an adult and looking up at the adult daily-shouts Mommy, Where Does Money Come From? Basically, for many people, myself included, money comes from computers. By Catherine Mevs The New Yorker Sections * News * Books & Culture * Fiction & Poetry * Humor & Cartoons * Magazine * Crossword * Video * Podcasts * Archive * Goings On More * Customer Care * Shop The New Yorker * Buy Covers and Cartoons * Conde Nast Store * Digital Access * Newsletters * Jigsaw Puzzle * RSS * About * Careers * Contact * F.A.Q. * Media Kit * Press * Accessibility Help * Conde Nast Spotlight (c) 2022 Conde Nast. All rights reserved. Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy and Cookie Statement and Your California Privacy Rights. The New Yorker may earn a portion of sales from products that are purchased through our site as part of our Affiliate Partnerships with retailers. The material on this site may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, cached or otherwise used, except with the prior written permission of Conde Nast. Ad Choices * * * * * Do Not Sell My Personal Info