https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/i-thought-i-would-have-accomplished-a-lot-more-today-and-also-by-the-time-i-was-thirty-five Skip to main content The New Yorker * Newsletter To revisit this article, select My Account, then View saved stories Close Alert Sign In Search * News * Books & Culture * Fiction & Poetry * Humor & Cartoons * Magazine * Puzzles & Games * Video * Podcasts * Archive * Goings On * Shop Open Navigation Menu To revisit this article, visit My Profile, then View saved stories Close Alert The New Yorker More Humor * Back in My Day * My Secret Fears * What to Do with Kale * To My Embalmers Daily Shouts I Thought I Would Have Accomplished a Lot More Today and Also by the Time I Was Thirty-Five By Alex Baia August 25, 2020 * * * * * Save this story for later. Man sleeping with laptop on couch. Photograph by Simon Potter / Alamy * * * * * Save this story for later. Is it 2 P.M. already? Ugh. I've done nothing today. I woke up, stretched, saw that I had six voice mails, ignored them, showered, ate three waffles, and then felt annoyed that I'm thirty-five and still don't speak French. Wait, hang on. I didn't shower. That was yesterday. I tried to buy some Converse Chuck Taylors online, but I couldn't choose between gray and obsidian, because I disliked them equally. Then I got distracted by life-hack articles on Medium for ninety minutes. I'm thirty-five! I thought I would've purchased cool shoes by now, and been in a movie. My improv-troupe mate Sanjay was in that indie horse movie. He's crushing it. More:HumorSatireAgingProductivity Daily Humor Sign up for the Daily Humor newsletter and get The New Yorker cartoons and Shouts--plus more funny stuff--every day in your in-box! E-mail address [ ] Sign up By signing up, you agree to our User Agreement and Privacy Policy & Cookie Statement. Read More Image may contain Accessories Tie and Accessory Shouts & Murmurs Mrs. Nice Guy By Alexis Wilkinson Person eating the heart of their ex with their new partner. Daily Shouts Plant-Based Alternatives for the Cannibal Palate A surprising number of ingredients taste like human remains. By Brittani Nichols and Annah Feinberg The Cartoonist Emily Flake Demonstrates How to Draw a Child Video The Cartoonist Emily Flake Demonstrates How to Draw a Child Emily Flake discusses how having a child changed how she illustrates kids, and pokes fun at her pre-motherhood drawings. The New Yorker Sections * News * Books & Culture * Fiction & Poetry * Humor & Cartoons * Magazine * Crossword * Video * Podcasts * Archive * Goings On More * Customer Care * Shop The New Yorker * Buy Covers and Cartoons * Conde Nast Store * Digital Access * Newsletters * Jigsaw Puzzle * RSS * Site Map * About * Careers * Contact * F.A.Q. * Media Kit * Press * Accessibility Help * Conde Nast Spotlight (c) 2022 Conde Nast. All rights reserved. Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy and Cookie Statement and Your California Privacy Rights. The New Yorker may earn a portion of sales from products that are purchased through our site as part of our Affiliate Partnerships with retailers. The material on this site may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, cached or otherwise used, except with the prior written permission of Conde Nast. Ad Choices * * * * * Do Not Sell My Personal Info