https://medium.datadriveninvestor.com/my-life-as-a-woman-in-tech-told-in-three-beverages-abba35cbf3df Sign in DataDrivenInvestor * About * AI * Tech * Blockchain * Finance * Economics * Startup * DDI My life as a woman in tech, told in three beverages As a woman in tech, sometimes you just can't even Denise Jones Denise Jones Follow Apr 19 * 8 min read [0] [0] Photo by Craig Melville on Unsplash I've been a woman in tech for a long time. It's been so long that frankly, I am just done with what we ladies in tech must endure on a regular basis. A male colleague of mine once asked (not unkindly): Why was I so cranky all the time? It was a legit question, and after musing on the multiple possibilities why, I told him: Babe, it's been twenty fucking years of putting up with tech bros like yourself, and sometimes I just can't even. And to my delight, he not only understood, but took it upon himself to tell the entire (male) team that they were the reasons for my grumps. Sometimes there's hope, right? But for the most part, I am happy to hand over the Women in Technology workplace leadership to the younger women on the come up. Their idealism inspires and cheers my cynicism; I am often amused at how they are shocked, shocked at the sexist office tales I regale after a few adult beverages. It was during the telling of one of these anecdotes that I realized three things: 1. The best stories are the ones where I called out the awful behavior, thereby exacting sweet feminist justice; 2. For unknown reasons, all of the best stories involved a beverage of some sort; 3. I need to write these stories down for posterity, because these experiences are completely foreign in the current egalitarian, gender-balanced tech world we work in. Just kidding! Only the first two points are real. But I'm writing this shit down anyway. So here are a few stories from my life as a woman in tech, told in three beverages. And let's be clear: All of this happened in the 21st century, my friends. Tale 1: Coffee and sexism [0] [0] Photo by Devin Avery on Unsplash I was the only female engineer in a fun dot-com startup. The team was amazing, and many remain my friends to this day. But like many Seattle startups, we had tons of work to do, and a difficult time finding good hires. After a few hiring mistakes, we realized that the "coding" part of engineering isn't the difficult part to hire for; it's the "working together" part that can make or break a team. To be frank, many of the "hiring mistakes" were men with deep issues with working alongside a female coder. But our team stumbled upon the perfect, fail-safe method for determining which candidates would be most successful working with us. When a male software engineering candidate arrived in our lobby, it became my job to greet him. I would offer him a beverage, show him to the interview room, and make cheerful, innocuous chitchat as we walked. And when he was seated in the room, before I left, I would ask if he needed anything before the interview began. That's all. And in just those five minutes, you would be stunned to know just how many men utterly blew any chances of getting hired.... before the actual interview even began. Most men blithely assumed I was a receptionist or an assistant. Strike one. And worse...most of them were cringingly condescending and rude to a woman they assumed was there to serve them. Strikes two through infinity. During those pre-interview hallway walks, I heard some pretty messed up, sexist shit. These are just some of the things said to me...by men who had known me for all of five minutes, and wanted a job at my workplace: * "You're a real pretty face to greet visitors!" * "It's cool they let you wear stuff like that." (I was wearing jeans and a blouse) * "It must be weird for you to work in an office with so many techies!" * "Hey, do you validate my parking?" (pointedly hands me his ticket) * "Since my interview goes past noon, will you be bringing in lunch?" * "Do you ever talk to the people who actually work here? What's the team like?" * "So when visitors ask what the company does, can you explain it?" But the coup de grace, the whipped cream and cherry atop my sexist sundae, occurred thusly: After settling the young male candidate in the room, I asked him if he needed anything before I left. He said, and I quote: "Hey, hon, before you go...can you get me some more coffee? And put some sugar in it." ...while lifting his coffee mug with a suggestive wink. Even I, believing I was heretofore dead inside and impermeable to all sexist bullshit, was speechless. I relayed the conversation to my colleagues, who were about to start the interview. After agreeing that this man was never, ever going to receive a job offer from us, they performed this beautiful act of retribution for which I shall always love them: They entered the interview room, and while handing the candidate his now-refilled cup of coffee, said: "Hey, we see you met the hiring manager on your way in! How did that go?" And according to my colleagues, the candidate noticeably paled, spilled a little of the coffee down his shirt, and said quietly, "I guess I'm not getting this job." Tale 2: Green tea and misogyny [0] [0] Photo by Arseniy Kapran on Unsplash I spent a (very) short time as an engineering consultant for the fintech arm of a private mutual fund (we can already feel where this story is headed, amirite?). I was the only woman on the engineering team (of course I was), in a sea of blue dress shirts and khaki trousers. But apparently my being the only female engineer wasn't quite distinctive enough; due to "space issues," my desk was not located in the bullpen with the existing engineers. No, my desk was exquisitely placed in an unused supply closet next to the team (the pitiable HR person tasked with showing me the desk helpfully exclaimed, "it's almost like you have your own office!"). This literal separation from the team was one of many clear messages I received that I was an outsider. Lest you think I exaggerate: One morning the team was chatting informally around a large conference table. I mentioned that I love to read, and belonged to a women's book club that met once per month. One of the engineers piped up with this response: "Wow, a women's club that meets once a month! I'd hate to be in that club!" Please note that the entire team was present. And all of them thought this was a fine joke. (My response was simply, "I can't believe you just said that out loud." Delivered in a flat voice, accompanied by a dead-eyed stare.) So because I was both literally and metaphorically segregated from the rest of the team, they would go to lunch together and forget ("forget"?) to invite me. So most days, I would get takeout sushi from a Japanese joint downstairs, and happily ("happily"?) eat my sushi alone, in my office ("office"?). About three weeks into this job, I was eating my sushi lunch alone in the closet, when several blue-shirted bros stopped in the doorway. One started to say something to me, but immediately interrupted himself to exclaim, "it smells like FISH in here!" Without missing a beat, another one merrily adds- and take a deep breath before reading this- "That's how we know a woman works in here!" In the awkward silence that follows a leaden joke- because even tech bros know when it's gone too far- I slammed my green tea down so hard it overflowed into the gaps in my keyboard. I stood up, walked over to the lead engineer, and asked him to hold my tea while I ran an errand. And I may have accidentally ("accidentally"?) poured the remaining tea over his outstretched hand, and onto his shoes. My errand: I went to HR and said I was leaving early. And when they asked when I'd be back, I said probably never. Tale 3: Cola and condescension, with a side of violence (mine) [0] [0] Photo by Hello I'm Nik on Unsplash Before I begin the infamous "cola punching" story, I should point out that I am quite short, and sport curly ringlets atop my short head. It's been a constant battle to be taken seriously in the workplace; I detest the word "cute," and woe betide anyone who perceives me as such. And so this happened. I started a dream job at a marquee tech company known for minting millionaires. It was my first managerial role, and the team I was to lead was all male (of course it was). We began each morning with a stand-up scrum meeting, which took place as we stood in a circle in the middle of the large open-plan office. Just one week into my new role, as I was leading the morning stand-up, I felt a tug on the top of my head. I turned to face a smugly giggling engineer (let's call him Dick), who announced to the team, "She's so little and adorable! Don't you just want to pull those curls?" I was speechless for a moment (and mortified, and humiliated), and said as evenly and professionally as I could, "Please do not touch my head or my hair, that is not OK." The next morning, it happened again. Seriously. Hair pull, and a giggle. This time, I decided against the professional response; instead, I opted for a threat. I told Dick, "I asked you not to touch me. If you do it again, I will punch you in the throat." People. HE DID IT AGAIN. Immediately. My reflexes took over, and before I could think, I turned and threw a punch at Dick's chest so hard that the soda inside the Coke can he was holding leapt up out of the can in a slow, graceful arc, and splashed back into the can. The entire room was suddenly very, very quiet. I excused myself, ran to the bathroom, and called my husband to tell him that I was about to be fired one week into my dream job for punching a colleague. I returned to my desk to await a call into HR. But the odd thing was, nothing happened. Days went by, and no one said anything to me. Noticeably, Dick did not attempt to pull my hair again, or call me cute, or otherwise humiliate me. On the contrary, he was respectful and engaged. Weeks later, I was introduced to the Executive Director of our division. When he heard my name, he said "Oh! Yes! The one who hit Dick!" I was stunned, and he went on to say that Dick is a bully, and he's personally wanted to punch Dick for years. He even added a "well done." I'm not sure what the takeaway is here, to be honest. I need a drink. DataDrivenInvestor empower you with data, knowledge, and expertise Follow 650 10 Thanks to The Startup. Sign up for DDIntel By DataDrivenInvestor In each issue we share the best stories from the Data-Driven Investor's expert community. Take a look. [ ] Get this newsletter By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don't already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices. Check your inbox Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription. * Women In Tech * Sexism * Startup Culture * Women In Business * Tech Culture 650 claps 650 10 Denise Jones Written by Denise Jones Follow Product Leader, US expat, competitive traveler, and a "Hamilton" obsessive who really, really wants that last chocolate chip cookie. Follow DataDrivenInvestor DataDrivenInvestor Follow empower you with data, knowledge, and expertise Follow Denise Jones Written by Denise Jones Follow Product Leader, US expat, competitive traveler, and a "Hamilton" obsessive who really, really wants that last chocolate chip cookie. DataDrivenInvestor DataDrivenInvestor Follow empower you with data, knowledge, and expertise More From Medium 3 Lessons I Learned After Having $3,000 In Crypto Hacked From My Wallet Arron Fornasetti in DataDrivenInvestor [0] [0] My 4 Applications (Tools) I Use Every Day On My Mac Anshul Kumar (Top Writer) in DataDrivenInvestor [1] [1] How to Build Wealth in Crypto Sayar Banerjee in DataDrivenInvestor [0] [0] 3 Reasons Dogecoin Might Hit $1 Sooner Than You Think Alex Ghaznawi in DataDrivenInvestor [1] [1] How To Become Rich With Bitcoin Jamie Bullock in DataDrivenInvestor [0] [0] How to Retire on Passive Income Using Only DeFi Adam J. 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