Now as it was totally impossible Rosa could dress at the Rectory without detection, the village not affording a supply of carriages to accommodate one quarter part, it was agreed Lady Lustre should be informed of the scheme, and fetch her privately in her carriage from the Rectory to our house, from whence she would be escorted by my uncle.
At nine o’clock therefore on the following evening Rosa alighted from the carriage of Lady Lustre, the most perfect “Mouline’s Maria” possible; for Yorick might have mistaken the original and admitted the polygraph. Her luxuriant ringlets were confined by a green silk net, and braided with a wreath of olive, a flageolet was depended across her shoulder by a pale green ribbon, over a white jacket, and the symmetry of her elegant shape was displayed by another fastened round her waist, at the end of which, a little spaniel, she had procured of a cottager, was made prisoner, and completed the costume; my uncle, though not so tall or thin as Yorick, looked the respectable representative of that celebrated character, and Rosa was so completely at home in recital and circumstance, as actually to have placed Sterne’s handkerchief in her bosom, wrapped and tied in the vine leaves, “But with which I shall not part till I find the owner you may depend,” said she smiling, “for not knowing how I may be attacked I was determined to be armed at all points.”
I had not yet equipped myself and therefore left her tete-à-tete with my uncle, whilst the house-keeper slipped on my ragged black petticoat, old brown stuff gown, and a shabby red cloak, well patched, which, with a tattered blue pocket handkerchief, tied over the mutilated rim of a dirty straw hat, completed my metamorphose, at which Rosa actually started as I entered the room.
“What an Apollo Belvidere,” said she laughing.
“Rather what an Achilles,” replied I, placing myself before the looking glass, by which means I discovered I was incompleat, my arms being naked; I therefore begged Alice to supply me with the legs of a pair of black worsted stockings, which made me a pair of gypsey mitts, and after presenting a few bob curtseys, we jumped into a post chaise, we had previously ordered, and off we set.
The distance was about a mile, which brought us to the romantic cottage of Mrs. Fungus (who seated in the drawing room beside her little daughter Miss Minerva, mama’s darling image), was receiving the company as they entered, who respectively paid their birth-day compliments to the fairy queen of the gala, who was enquiring of her Lady mother who every body was, and receiving the constant negative “I don’t know.”
The room was decorated most fantastically with artificial flowers, coloured lamps, and a chalked floor, which the scientific skill of Mama and Miss Minerva had scrawled over in non-descript emblems of nothing.
The lawn at the back of the cottage was appropriated for dancing, the music was placed in the shrubbery, and a platform erected for the “fantastic toe” was shaded by a famous Chinese awning, lined with rose-colour calico, and decorated with bunches of palm and laurel, intermixed with a numerous blaze of lamps, many of which encircled the trees in a stile of magic brilliance, such as Mrs. Fungus had read of in her favourite novels, and from which she had copied the present display.
A numerous assemblage was crowding in, which compelled as many to throng out, for better accommodation on the lawn, but willing to remain as long as possible in the receiving room, to reconnoitre my game, we took our seats near the throne of audience, where a general buz was in circulation to discover who Rosa could possibly be.
We had not stood long (for to sit was impossible), when in sailed Mrs. Deposit as a sultana, loaded with all the jewels her apprentice could spare from the fangs of redemption, and one of the richest dresses the repository could furnish, that had not yet come under the hammer. Most unmercifully did she quiz, through an enormous glass set with brilliants, the form of our Mouline’s Maria.
“I can’t trace who she can be for the soul of me,” cried she, lolling on the arm of Major Pea-Chick, who, audaciously snatching the handkerchief from her bosom, told her if she would give it him he’d throw her a better in exchange.
“That’s impossible,” said Rosa, angrily snatching it from his rude grasp, “for it’s consecrated with the tear of sensibility, and as it belongs to a wise man I shall never part with it to a fool.”
“’Pon honour, that’s a dashy little mad speech,” resumed the Major; then turning on his heel “the girl don’t want wit, we’ll teaze her again bye and bye,” and off he strutted with his sultana.
Mr. Undermine, in his mole-skin dress, next approached to pay his respects, followed by his Patagonian goose, who, after making a reverential bend of his long neck, set up three loud quacks, much to the diversion of the company.
“If that young goose has not learnt how to hiss yet, send him to me for a few lessons,” said a city alderman, who was regaling himself with a large cheesecake, which he carried in his hand, a bite of which he offered a flower girl for old acquaintance-sake.
The devil upon two sticks now attacked the virgin of the sun, declaring he remembered the time when he was her greatest favourite, which so perplexed her purity that she dashed out of the room without giving him an answer.
Farmer Strut with his two faces was very busy looking about for his old friends, but nobody knew him from having turned his coat, he had therefore nothing to amuse and comfort him but a feast upon his nails, which he trimmed unmercifully.
“Sweep! sweep! sweep!” bawled Mr. Windfall in the ear of the widow Quiz, who was wheeling a barrow of cabbages.
“Lard, don’t make such a noise, we all know you are a sweeper,” exclaimed the cabbage woman.
“And the best trade going,” replied he; “you ought to know that, you served three apprenticeships to it, though you haven’t sacked the soot out of the last old family chimney yet.”
“Past twelve o’clock,” yelped Bob Tonic, tossing the cabbages over, “you’d better shut shop and go home mistress.”
“What and leave such a noisy fellow as you heir to my cabbages? No! no! I’ll make you a present of one for your little family, but the young caterpillars of my own must divide the remainder.”
“Any thing to be given away here?” asked old Tonic, in the character of a fisherman, with a net of gudgeons.
“Yes,” answered Jerry Sneak, “a cabbage as hard hearted as yourself.”
“I suppose if it had been a sop in the pan you’d have seized it,” replied the doctor.
“Oh I’ll make him a present of one as well as his son, for the trouble of distributing my remaining stock,” said the cabbage woman; during which speech Mr. Prolix at her elbow exclaimed, “Don’t forget a few leaves for me.”
“You need not tell me, lawyers can look as sharp for a cabbage as a tailor; you’ll take care of yourself no doubt, only mind the caterpillars don’t blight your share of the pickings,” resumed the widow, and away she trundled.
“Any old cloaths! cloaths! cloaths!” cried Mr. Deposit, catching hold of Mr. Undermine’s mole-skin domino, “any common counshil men’s cowns to shell?”
“No,” replied Undermine, surlily, “don’t bother me, I never traffic with Jews, I like open dealing.”
“Ah, but you tont teal open wit you neighbours, you trick dem in de dark; haf you cot any quantity of mole’s skins in you pack cround, I’ll puy dem all, I vont some for a pair of couty shoes for an owlt frint vot can pay you vell.”
“Sirrah, begone!” exclaimed Mr. Simon, who was waddling behind his par forgetting he was a goose.
“Oh, my cot vat you talk; vel I vos never! no never, hear de like; how much you ax for your feathers? come, I make a pargain wit you.”
“Hiss him! hiss him!” exclaimed Alderman Cheesecake, en passant.
“Vell! vell! I’ll go tell all my peoplish about de wonderful coose vat I heard talk; I tink now you voud look very stilish wit a sage nosegay, and a necklace of onions hung round your neak.”
“You deserve a d—d good thrashing for making me the sport of the company,” replied the goose.
Hah! hah! hah! laughed the jew, most immoderately, “You make de sport not me. Shall I treat you wit a slish of hot plum-pudding? Titly Tol, where are you, here’s de talking coose in a passion for her supper,” and off he slipped in search of the walking cupboard.
A huge bear now rushed in, who throwing his paws round Mrs. Deposit’s neck, moosled her most violently, and caused her to utter a loud shriek for the assistance of the watchman to take the Bear into custody before the sitting Alderman, who jocosely replied he was not sitting, nor was he in office. Bob Tonic took aim at the bear with his staff, and the shaggy animal, in revenge, served Bob’s wife the same trick; which in fact he practised on every female not excepting Rosa, whom it was remarked he sniffed at and surveyed with seeming sagacity, and saluted as politely as any bear could possibly do.
He next seized hold of Mrs. Henpeck’s cat-o-ninetails and rearing himself on his hind legs gave her a sharp lash over the shoulders and threw it down; he then seized Lady Dol-snip, encircling her waist with one paw and escorting her with the other all round the room for a promenade, to the terror of some and diversion of others; for little Miss Minerva was so frightened that the bear should touch her, that her mama had much trouble to convince her it was not a real animal, and when he approached to pay his quadrupedical respects Mrs. Fungus assured Mr. Bruin she should feel herself much obliged if he would lay aside or exchange his dress, as it much annoyed her company, and she was astonished any gentleman should assume so unprepossessing a character.
This rebuff in some measure restricted the liberties of the bear, who paced off to the dancers, where he caused much confusion by chiming in between every couple and turning every body the wrong way, and in going hand across with the goose catched him fast by the beak and set the whole group in a roar of laughter.
He next upset the devil-upon-two sticks; by resuming his quadrupedical march twitched off Mrs. Coniac’s shoe, by which he discovered a large hole in her stocking, which he took great pains to display to the company, by gripping her foot fast in his paw and growling fiercely over it to cause attention, much to the dismay of the lady; and poor Tiddy Tol’s plum pudding basket was overturned with as little ceremony, a slice from which he snatched away and walked off with it in his mouth towards charity and her three children, to whom he dropped the piece of pudding as his mite, much to her ladyship’s amusement, for in this well assumed character Lady Lustre collected near ten pounds for dame Margery’s twins.
Having now practised innumerable antics, and tormented the people almost beyond bearing, Bruin was retiring from the busy scene to re-dress when he accidentally popped upon Major Pea-Chick, the sultan, to whom giving a cornish brotherly hug till the little man cried for mercy, he hoisted him dexterously upon his back and returned with him mounted á la Mamoset, into the drawing room, where at the feet of the terrified Miss Minerva he shook off his burthen, by tipping the Major heels over head; he vowed to be revenged on the audacious brute, be who he would; but his ursine majesty could make no reply, he growled ludicrously and made a precipitate retreat out of the house into a little back cottage, where he had previously conveyed a change of dress to avoid detection, and returned to the company e’er he was well missed, as Captain Allclack, equipped in costume, with an immense snuff box, the macaba of which he had plentifully impregnated with Cayenne, this in the quickest succession he presented to every body, enlarging with rapid volubility on its excellent properties, protesting “It would rouse their energies, clear their understanding,” &c. &c. the unwary of this scheme to the tune of nine out of ten, became instant victims of credulity, and the whole room was in one incessant sneeze, some stamping with the agony of their noses, others compelled to unmask to wipe the involuntary tears that flowed from their eyes and half blinded them, during which tumult Captain Allclack had found his way into the garden and well plied the musicians, who dropping their instruments sneezed a complete concerto, while the captain still dexterously employed in the circulation of his “Tabac Mystique” was execrating them as a set of hoaxing rascals, who did not choose to play; by which confusion and stoppage of the music, the dance was totally interrupted for near half an hour.
This stratagem having had the desired effect (particularly on Major Pea-Chick, who was nearly strangled) Captain Allclack suddenly disappeared and retiring again to his rustic toilet, equipped himself in a long flannel dressing gown and cap, and supporting the character of a pantaloon most ably, he kicked, boxed, hissed, danced, and hoaxed every body the remainder of the evening.
END OF VOL. II.
Plummer and Brewis, Printers, Love Lane, Little Eastcheap.