Zoe
Not always, Evie.
Evelyn
My only quarrel with Edward is he doesn’t take enough exercise.
Edward
I’m not very good at exercise.
Evelyn
You never make any effort. Why don’t you come and play squash with me sometimes?
Edward
That’s not exercise, it’s flagellation.
Evelyn
He’s looking a bit off color, don’t you think, Zoe?
Zoe
Only comparatively.
Evelyn
Been over-working, I suppose?
Edward
No, not really.
Zoe
[Rising]
I must go now, Edward.
Evelyn
I shall take it as a personal affront if you leave the moment I arrive.
Zoe
No, you won’t, Evie. Good-by.
Evelyn
[Shaking hands]
Come and have a bit of food sometime.
Zoe
I should love to.
Evelyn
Where are you staying?
Zoe
Claridges.
Evelyn
Right. I’ll call you up.
Zoe
Good-by, Edward.
Edward
Come again soon, please.
Zoe
Of course. Telephone me to-morrow morning.
Edward
I will.
Zoe
Give my love to Carol.
[Evelyn opens the door for her and she goes out. Edward stands looking after her thoughtfully.]
Evelyn
[Sitting down again]
Extraordinary woman Zoe.
Edward
Why extraordinary?
Evelyn
I don’t know. She’s so self-assured.
Edward
[Absently]
Yes. I think she has every reason to be.
Evelyn
She faced all that divorce business very pluckily. Kenneth seems to have behaved like a pretty average swine.
Edward
Yes.
Evelyn
Why on earth did she ever marry him?
Edward
[Wearily]
Why does anyone ever marry anyone?
Evelyn
I’ve never felt the urge very strongly. I suppose I’ve seen too much of it.
Edward
That doesn’t make any difference, really.
Evelyn
Women are so damned complicated to live with—specially Zoe’s sort.
Edward
I don’t think Zoe is particularly complicated. She’s always appeared to me to be pretty clear-headed and direct.
Evelyn
Oh well, you know her better than I do.
Edward
You’re wonderfully single-minded, aren’t you?
Evelyn
Single-minded?
Edward
Yes. You live according to formulated codes, and you never try to look either under or over them. I do envy you.
Evelyn
You needn’t. I have my ups and downs.
Edward
Do you, really? Ever since we were at school I’ve always regarded you as being quite invulnerable.
Evelyn
[Complacently]
Don’t be a fool, old man.
Edward
I suppose it’s a remnant of hero worship.
Evelyn
Rot! I’m a bit more balanced than you, that’s all.
Edward
That wouldn’t be very difficult.
Evelyn
I came here to-day with a purpose. I’m a bit worried. I want to talk to you seriously.
Edward
What about?
Evelyn
Lots of things.
Edward
All right. Go on.
Evelyn
I don’t know how to start, quite; it’s difficult.
Edward
Why difficult?
Evelyn
Well, you’re a bit touchy at times, aren’t you?
Edward
What’s the matter, Evie?
Evelyn
Nothing actually yet—at least, I hope not.
Edward
I know what you’re driving at.
Evelyn
Do you?
Edward
Yes.
Evelyn
Are you sure you do?
Edward
People have been talking about Carol, I suppose.
Evelyn
Exactly.
Edward
Well, you needn’t worry.
Evelyn
I shouldn’t, ordinarily, but somehow in this case it’s different.
Edward
No, it isn’t; it’s exactly the same; it’s a situation that occurs over and over again with everybody. That’s why it’s such a bore.
Evelyn
That’s a silly sort of attitude to take up.
Edward
No sillier than any other.
Evelyn
Aren’t you going to do anything?
Edward
O God!
[He turns away.]
Evelyn
Well, you’ll have to sooner or later.
Edward
What is there to do?
Evelyn
Read the riot act.
Edward
Do you seriously imagine that that’s in any way a final solution?
Evelyn
It ought to bring her to her senses a bit, if you did it with conviction.
Edward
That’s the trouble. I haven’t got a conviction.
Evelyn
Hang it all man, she is your wife!
Edward
I’m not a man of property.
Evelyn
How do you mean?
Edward
I mean I can’t look on Carol as a sort of American trunk.
Evelyn
[Exasperated]
What are you talking about?
Edward
She’s a human being, not an inanimate object over which I can assert legal rights.
Evelyn
If all husbands adopted that tone, England would be in a nice state.
Edward
It is in a nice state.
Evelyn
You make me tired sometimes, Edward.
Edward
I expect I do, but it can’t be helped.
Evelyn
Yes, it can.
Edward
How?
Evelyn
Pull yourself together; show a little spirit.
Edward
I suppose you think that if I grabbed Carol by the hair of the head and banged her about and hurled abuse at her, she’d fall at my feet in ecstasies of adoration?
Evelyn
I shouldn’t be surprised. Anyhow, it probably would do her good.
Edward
For an upstanding British soldier you have an astounding sense of the theater.
Evelyn
Oh, you can think me a red-blooded savage if you like, but I’m damned if I’d sit down quietly and let my wife make a fool of me.
Edward
[Gently]
You haven’t got a wife, Evie. If you had you’d probably be utterly vanquished quicker than anyone.
Evelyn
Not me. I know the game too well.
Edward
Only from looking on, though. That makes an enormous difference.
Evelyn
Look here, Edward. Why not be sensible about all this?
Edward
I am, really.
Evelyn
Nonsense!
Edward
It’s no use, Evie. Things will have to take their course.
Evelyn
[Contemptuously]
Line of least resistance, eh?
Edward
Yes.
Evelyn
To hell with the line of least resistance.
Edward
She can’t help herself; she’s made like that.
Evelyn
Rubbish!
Edward
It isn’t rubbish. She’s the sort of woman who must attract people all the time. One conquest isn’t enough; she must go on and on.
Evelyn
You talk as though she were only just flirting about for the fun of the thing.
Edward
Perhaps she is.
Evelyn
What’s the use of blinding yourself?
Edward
Oh, shut up, Evie!
Evelyn
This is more serious than you think.
Edward
No, it isn’t.
Evelyn
What do you feel—honestly?
Edward
I’ve told you—bored.
Evelyn
That’s not true.
Edward
All right.
Evelyn
I know it isn’t. We haven’t been pals all these years for nothing. You can’t deceive me as easily as that.
Edward
What do you want me to feel, exactly?
Evelyn
You’ve got to do something.
Edward
What?
Evelyn
If you don’t, I shall.
Edward
Evie, if you mention one word of all this to Carol or anyone in the world, I’ll never forgive you.
Evelyn
You needn’t worry. I’ve got a better plan than talking.
Edward
What is it?
Evelyn
Leave it to me.
Edward
Evie—
Evelyn
She ought to be taught a lesson.
Edward
What sort of lesson?
Evelyn
She wants some of the self-assurance knocked out of her.
Edward
[Smiling]
Really, Evie!
Evelyn
She needs humiliating.
Edward
You’re positively vindictive.
Evelyn
Perhaps I am, but it’s for your sake.
Edward
I’d no idea you disliked Carol so heartily.
Evelyn
It isn’t that at all. I don’t like or dislike her. She never pays attention to me, anyhow.
Edward
To think that there’s even a streak of feminine in you!
Evelyn
What do you mean?
Edward
Never mind.
Evelyn
I won’t stand by and see you let down all along the line.
Edward
It’s awfully sweet of you, Evie, to be so cross, but you really mustn’t be. I’m the one to get cross if necessary.
Evelyn
It is necessary.
Edward
You must allow me to be the best judge of that.
Evelyn
Now look here, Edward—
Edward
Remember what I said—you’re not to interfere. It’s my affair, and mine alone.
Evelyn
I know a good deal more about women than you.
Edward
Do you, Evie?
Evelyn
I’ve handled too many of them not to.
Edward
How mechanical that sounds.
[He laughs.]
Evelyn
Oh, you’re hopeless.
[The door opens and Carol comes in. She is, as usual, looking delightful.]
Carol
Hallo, Evie! [She shakes hands with him.] Are there any telephone messages for me, Edward?
Edward
No.
Carol
[Taking off her gloves]
I’m quite exhausted.
Edward
Where have you been?
Carol
Playing mah-jong with Fanny, I won a good deal.
Evelyn
Splendid.
Carol
How’s Margot’s picture going?
Edward
It’s nearly finished.
Carol
Give me a cigarette, Evie.
Evelyn
[Handing her a cigarette]
You look remarkably fit, Carol.
Carol
[Smiling]
I am fit, but I’m a tiny bit worried over Edward.
Evelyn
Why, he looks all right to me.
Carol
You don’t know him like I do. I can always tell when he’s tired and overworked, can’t I, darling?
Edward
Yes, I’m sure you can.
Carol
It’s all these people buzzing round him all day. Let’s go away, Edward, and have a real holiday—somewhere quiet.
Evelyn
That’s a damned good idea.
Edward
[Smiling]
I can’t—for the next six weeks, anyhow.
Carol
[With a slight shrug]
There you see? It’s quite impossible to do anything with him.
Evelyn
Why don’t you chuck everything, and just go?
Edward
Funnily enough, Zoe suggested that this afternoon.
Carol
Zoe? I didn’t know she was back.
Edward
She arrived yesterday.
Carol
Why didn’t you tell me?
Edward
I didn’t know until this morning. She rang me up.
Carol
Well, she didn’t lose much time anyhow.
Edward
I don’t see why she should.
Carol
I suppose she talked and talked and talked as usual.
Edward
Yes, we both talked a good bit.
Carol
What about?
Edward
Everything.
Carol
No wonder you look tired.
Evelyn
She looked awfully well.
Carol
She always does. She’s wonderfully healthy.
Edward
[With faint malice]
She sent you her love.
Carol
[Bored]
Oh—give her mine when she rings up again.
Edward
You’ll see her to-night at the Harringtons’.
Carol
No, I shan’t. I’m not going. They’re going to have that awful string quartette again. I suffered so acutely last time.
Edward
I shall go by myself, then.
Carol
Never mind. You’ll be able to talk to Zoe.
Edward
Where are you dining?
Carol
With the Challoners at the Embassy; then we’re going on somewhere.
Edward
Do you want the car?
Carol
No. They’re picking me up.
Edward
Right. I’ll go and dress. Don’t go, Evie. We might have a slight aperitif at one of your disreputable clubs before dinner.
Carol
Are you dining together?
Edward
No. I’m going to the Russian Ballet with Richard and Sheila. They’ve got a box or something.
[Edward goes off into his bedroom.]
Evelyn
You’re looking charming, Carol.
Carol
[Raising her eyebrows]
Thank you.
Evelyn
That’s a splendid hat. Is it new?
Carol
No—incredibly old.
Evelyn
Well, it doesn’t look it.
Carol
I’m glad.
[She goes toward the door.]
Evelyn
Carol—
Carol
[Turning]
Yes?
Evelyn
Nothing.
Carol
[Surprised]
Is there anything the matter?
Evelyn
No—honestly it’s nothing.
Carol
Oh well, I must go and dress, too. See you later on.
Evelyn
I shall be gone when you come down.
Carol
Really, Evie, you’re behaving very strangely.
Evelyn
Why?
Carol
I don’t know. You seem different, somehow.
Evelyn
Won’t you stay and talk for a moment. I haven’t seen you to speak to for ages.
Carol
That’s your fault.
Evelyn
You’re always so engaged.
Carol
I never seem to have a minute for anything. I do wish life wasn’t so hectic.
Evelyn
Why do you let it be?
Carol
I don’t. It just happens like that.
Evelyn
I’d resent it a good deal if you were my wife.
Carol
[Smiling]
Aren’t you glad I’m not, Evie?
Evelyn
I don’t know.
Carol
[Surprised]
Well, now! I thought you disliked me thoroughly!
Evelyn
Disliked you?
Carol
Yes. You always have such a polite preoccupied air with me. It makes me feel terribly frivolous and shallow.
Evelyn
How can you, Carol?
Carol
[Gayly]
It’s true. You’re the kind of man who despises women dreadfully—I know you are.
Evelyn
You’re quite wrong. I adore them.
Carol
Well, that’s a lovely surprise, isn’t it?
Evelyn
I can’t get over you imagining that I disliked you.
Carol
I expect it’s because you’re so tremendously fond of Edward. One always feels that with one’s husband’s friends.
Evelyn
I don’t see any reason, just because I like Edward, that——
Carol
Don’t you, Evie?
Evelyn
Of course not.
Carol
Well, I’m very, very glad.
Evelyn
That’s settled, then, isn’t it?
Carol
Quite. I shan’t be frightened of you any more.
Evelyn
Frightened of me! How ridiculous!
Carol
It isn’t ridiculous; it’s quite natural.
Evelyn
I don’t see why. I’m perfectly harmless.
Carol
Are you?
Evelyn
Mild as a kitten.
Carol
I wonder.
Evelyn
To think you’ve been building up the most frightful image of me in your mind all this time and I never knew.
Carol
You can’t blame me, really.
Evelyn
Yes, I can. It’s awfully suspicious and distrustful of you.
Carol
It’s your own fault, for holding so aloof.
Evelyn
I don’t hold aloof a bit.
Carol
You’ve never talked anything but commonplaces to me ever since I’ve known you.
Evelyn
You never gave me the chance.
Carol
What did you expect me to do?
Evelyn
I don’t know. Just be nice.
Carol
Haven’t I been nice? I’m so sorry.
Evelyn
Yes, I suppose you have, really, but I’ve always felt you thought me rather dull.
Carol
You have been—up to now.
Evelyn
[Despondently]
There you are, then!
Carol
[Quietly]
I said “up to now.”
Evelyn
Men of my sort are all wrong in society. We don’t seem to fit in, somehow.
Carol
Are you glad or sorry?
Evelyn
Well, to be frank, I’m glad, until moments like this crop up.
Carol
You’re awfully funny, you know.
Evelyn
Funny?
Carol
Yes. You do despise women, after all.
Evelyn
How do you mean?
Carol
You think we only like men who play up and talk well and dance well.
Evelyn
It’s only natural that you should.
Carol
Oh no, it isn’t.
Evelyn
You think there’s some hope for me, after all, then?
Carol
Now you’re fishing.
Evelyn
It’s cruel of you to snap me up like that.
Carol
I’m sorry, Evie.
Evelyn
You’d find me a fearful bore after a bit, you know.
Carol
Why should I?
Evelyn
I take things so damned seriously.
Carol
That’s refreshing! Most of the men I know don’t take things seriously enough.
Evelyn
What an extraordinary woman you are!
Carol
Why extraordinary?
Evelyn
Making me talk like this. I never have before.
Carol
I shall take that as a compliment, whether you like it or not.
Evelyn
I mean it.
Carol
Yes, I know you do.
Evelyn
I see now why your life’s so hectic and why everyone runs after you so much.
Carol
[Smiling]
Why?
Evelyn
You’ve got the most amazing knack of drawing people out.
Carol
Not always. Only people I like.
Evelyn
You’ve made me feel lonely for the first time in my life.
Carol
How hateful of me!
Evelyn
It’s not your fault; it’s mine.
Carol
In what way?
Evelyn
I ought to make more efforts and not be so boorish.
Carol
You’re not in the least boorish.
Evelyn
Yes, I am—utterly wrapped up in my own affairs, then suddenly some one like you comes along and makes me realize all in a minute what a lot I’m missing.
Carol
You’re not missing much, really. It’s much better to remain yourself than try to be something you’re not.
Evelyn
It’s awfully sweet of you to say that.
Carol
I mean it honestly. You never can guess how tired I get by having the same sort of things said to me always.
Evelyn
Do you really?
Carol
Of course.
Evelyn
I wish you weren’t dining out to-night.
Carol
Why?
Evelyn
I’d like better than anything in the world for you to come and dine with me quietly.
Carol
I’d adore to, Evie, but, you see—
Evelyn
Oh, I know you can’t possibly; but it seems hard that the moment I begin to get to know you properly you’re whisked out of sight again.
Carol
[Gently]
There are lots of other nights.
Evelyn
Yes, I suppose there are.
Carol
I’m certainly not frightened of you any more now—you’re an absolute baby.
Evelyn
Crying for the moon?
Carol
I don’t rate myself quite so high as that.
Evelyn
You’re just as unattainable.
Carol
Evie!
Evelyn
I’m sorry. I oughtn’t to have said that.
Carol
[After a slight pause]
I don’t mind.
Evelyn
You are a dear.
Carol
Am I?
Evelyn
May I ring you up to-morrow morning?
Carol
Of course.
Evelyn
And perhaps—some time soon—?
Carol
[With determination]
I’ll dine with you to-night, Evie.
Evelyn
Carol!
Carol
Yes. I can put off the Challoners. They bore me stiff, anyway. I’d much rather talk to you.
Evelyn
I say, it’s most terribly sweet of you to take pity on me like this.
Carol
Don’t be silly. It’ll be a mutual benefit. I’m bored and you’re bored. Where shall we dine?
Evelyn
Anywhere you choose.
Carol
The awful thing is I simply daren’t go anywhere where I’m likely to be seen.
Evelyn
We could dine at the flat if you like, but it will be fearfully dull.
Carol
Oh, let’s do that. And we can creep out somewhere afterward if we feel like it.
Evelyn
Are you sure that’s all right?
Carol
Positive. It will be divine being quiet for once.
Evelyn
Don’t say anything to Edward.
Carol
[Quickly]
Why not?
Evelyn
Well, I got out of dining with him to-night. I wanted to be by myself, you see.
Carol
Well, you’re not going to be now.
Evelyn
I know. Isn’t it damnable?
Carol
Beastly. Will you fetch me?
Evelyn
Yes. What time?
Carol
Latish—about nine.
Evelyn
Splendid—
[Enter Edward in evening dress.]
Carol
You have been quick.
Edward
I’ve hurried. I know how impatient Evie is. Are you quite determined about the Harringtons, Carol?
Carol
Quite! I simply couldn’t bear it.
Edward
Oh, all right, then. I’ll apologize for you.
Carol
Do, there’s a dear. Good-by, Evie. Come and see me again soon.
Evelyn
Thanks. I will.
Edward
Come on. I haven’t got much time. Good-night, Carol.
Carol
Good-night, darling.
[Edward and Evelyn go off. Carol lights a cigarette and goes to the telephone.]
Carol
[At telephone]
Mayfair 7,065 please.... Yes. [A pause] Hallo! Is that you, Fay.... Yes. Can I speak to Harry? Oh yes, rather. I’ll hold on.... Harry.... Yes, it’s me. Look here, I can’t dine to-night, because I can’t, I feel too tired. I may not have looked tired this afternoon, but I tell you I am now.... Don’t be so annoying, Harry.... No, it isn’t that at all. I’m going to dine in bed.... No, don’t. I shall probably be asleep.... Well, of course, if you’re going to talk like that.... I’m afraid you’re developing into a bore, Harry. I’m so sorry! [She bangs down the receiver.] Silly fool!
[She picks up her bag and gloves and goes off.]
Curtain