[Rising]

I’m not going to stay here and be insulted.

Edward

You’re not being insulted—it’s I who have been insulted. You’ve been publicly underrating my intelligence for months.

Carol

That’s what’s upsetting you, is it?

Edward

Certainly it is. I wish you’d sit down.

Carol

I’m going to my room.

Edward

You’re only temporarily evading the issues by doing that.

Carol

What’s the object of all this?

Edward

The object, as I said before, is to get our relationship satisfactorily defined.

Carol

[With grandeur]

It’s satisfactorily defined now as far as I am concerned.

Edward

I would prefer the satisfaction to be mutual.

Carol

You think you’re very clever, don’t you?

Edward

What a common remark! You’ll be sticking your tongue out at me in a minute.

Carol

I suppose Zoe has been putting you up to this.

Edward

Meaning that I have no initiative of my own anyhow?

Carol

Exactly.

Edward

That’s charming of you—and fits in beautifully with your behavior during the last year.

Carol

Are you in love with me still?

Edward

Do you expect me to be?

Carol

Are you?

Edward

No, Carol.

Carol

I see.

Edward

All of which is beside the point.

Carol

No, it isn’t. If you loved me you’d never say such things to me.

Edward

I admit that it would be more comfortable for you if I just suffered and suffered in silence.

Carol

You’re too unemotional to be capable of any suffering.

Edward

Do you imagine you’re putting up a good defense for yourself?

Carol

I’m not attempting to.

Edward

That brings us to my ultimatum.

Carol

[With a forced laugh]

Ultimatum! Really Edward!

Edward

You’ve been unfaithful to me three times during the past year—Maurice Verney, Geoffrey Poole, and now Harry Challoner!

Carol

[Blanching slightly]

Edward!

Edward

All three married men, which adds considerably to the general sordidness of the whole business.

Carol

[Losing control]

I will not be spoken to like this!

Edward

[With sudden force]

Be quiet! Do you still deny it?

Carol

[More dimly]

No.

Edward

That’s better.

Carol

[Sullenly]

I’m sorry.

Edward

That’s too sudden to be convincing.

Carol

[Breaking up slightly; after a long pause]

What are you going to do?

Edward

Wait until next time.

Carol

Next time?

Edward

Yes.

Carol

And what then?

Edward

I shall divorce you.

Carol

Edward!

Edward

I mean it. Whether the man happens to be married or single will not make the slightest difference.

Carol

[Looking down]

I see.

Edward

Is that quite clear?

Carol

Quite.

Edward

Incidentally, I wish you to give up Harry Challoner entirely. I object to you even being seen with such a second-rate bounder.

Carol

[Looking at him]

Very well.

Edward

We’ll both do our best to forget the whole thing. We can get along perfectly well together with a little effort.

Carol

There’s no more, is there?

Edward

No, that’s all.

[Carol goes slowly toward the door in silence. Her expression is very thoughtful. When she reaches the door she turns.]

Carol

[In a different voice]

Edward.

Edward

Yes?

Carol

Please forgive me.

Edward

Forgiveness in this case is surely rather unimportant.

Carol

Oh, please, please—

[She bursts into tears and goes toward him]

Edward

Now then, Carol—

Carol

[Standing in front of him weeping]

You must forgive me—you must!

Edward

All right.

Carol

I didn’t love any of them—I swear I didn’t.

Edward

[Turning away irritably]

Oh, Carol—

Carol

You’ve been utterly indifferent to me for ages.

Edward

Naturally.

Carol

No, but before—I mean before—last year you stopped loving me.

Edward

Please don’t go on like this.

Carol

It’s true—it’s true. I was lonely.

Edward

Don’t talk such utter nonsense.

Carol

[Working herself up]

It isn’t nonsense—it’s you I love really all the time. I hate Harry Challoner, really. I’ve been trying to break with him for ages. I made a vow weeks ago that I’d never be unfaithful to you again—honestly I did, I swear it. I’m sick of everybody. I wanted to ask you to take me away abroad somewhere, but I didn’t dare—you had so much work to do—and you were so cold and horrid. Edward—Edward—you’ve got to love me again—you must. I shall go mad if you don’t. Please—Edward darling.

[She flings herself into his arms.]

Edward

[Gently disentangling himself]

There now—it’s all right. Do stop.

[He kisses her dutifully]

Carol

I feel so bitterly ashamed.

Edward

Stop crying.

Carol

I swear I’ll be good. I swear I will.

Edward

That’s right. Now control yourself.

Carol

I’ll never see Harry again.

Edward

Very well. For Heaven’s sake stop crying.

Carol

I do love you really, you know. That’s what makes it so awful.

Edward

Pull yourself together.

Carol

[Dabbing her eyes]

I’ll try.

Edward

Go and lie down and take something.

Carol

What shall I take?

Edward

Aspirin, I should think.

Carol

I had some just now.

Edward

Have some more.

Carol

All right. Oh, God!

[She goes out slowly, still half sobbing. Edward heaves a sigh of mingled relief and irritation, he again flings himself into an armchair. Then comes the sound of the front-door bell. He groans. Berry enters from R.]

Edward

Whoever it is, Berry, I’m out.

Berry

Very good, sir. [He goes out L. After a moment he re-enters.] I’m very sorry, sir; it’s Major Bathurst. The porter downstairs told him you’d just come in; he’s called already this morning.

Edward

Nobody told me. You’d better show him in.

Berry

Yes, sir. [He goes out and returns, announcing] Major Bathurst.

[Evelyn comes in. He looks more harassed than ever. Berry goes out.]

Edward

Hallo, Evie!

Evelyn

[Haltingly]

Edward—I—I’ve come to say good-by.

Edward

[Surprised]

Good-by!

Evelyn

Yes. I came earlier this morning, but you were out.

Edward

But where on earth are you going?

Evelyn

Australia.

Edward

Why Australia?

Evelyn

[Weakly]

I’ve always wanted to go to Australia.

Edward

What do you mean?

Evelyn

I mean I’ve got to go there on business.

Edward

It’s very sudden, isn’t it?

Evelyn

Yes. I had a wire from my brother.

Edward

I didn’t know he was in Australia.

Evelyn

He isn’t. He’s in Cheltenham, but he sent me a wire saying I ought to go out there at once.

Edward

What’s the matter with you, Evie?

Evelyn

Nothing.

Edward

You’re not only telling me extremely fatuous lies, but you look like death.

Evelyn

They’re not lies. I—

Edward

Don’t he an ass. Have a drink.

Evelyn

No—I don’t want a drink.

Edward

What’s wrong?

Evelyn

There’s nothing wrong.

Edward

You’d better tell me, you know.

Evelyn

I want to tell you.

Edward

Come on, then.

Evelyn

I’ve got to tell you.

Edward

Out with it.

Evelyn

But I can’t.

Edward

Surely that’s rather silly.

Evelyn

I tried to shoot myself this morning.

Edward

You what!!!

Evelyn

Tried to shoot myself.

Edward

[Alarmed]

In God’s name, why?

Evelyn

[Brokenly]

Oh, Edward!

Edward

Evie, what has happened?

Evelyn

I’m the filthiest cad in the world.

Edward

Don’t be ridiculous.

Evelyn

Our friendship is over forever.

Edward

[With irritation]

Do stop all this melodrama, Evie, and tell me what’s the matter.

Evelyn

I’ve betrayed you, utterly.

Edward

[In great astonishment]

Betrayed me?

Evelyn

[Looking down]

Yes.

Edward

How?

Evelyn

[Brokenly]

Carol!

Edward

Carol! Well, what about her?

Evelyn

Carol dined with me last night.

Edward

Oh, did she?

Evelyn

And—and—O my God!

[He sinks into a chair by the table and leans his head on his arms.]

Edward

[In amazement]

You don’t seriously mean to tell me—

Evelyn

[In muffled tones]

Yes.

Edward

You and Carol!

Evelyn

Yes.

Edward

This is too much!

[He bursts out laughing.]

Evelyn

[Looking up astounded]

Edward!

Edward

I can’t bear it.

[He laughs louder.]

Evelyn

[Rising]

Edward—old man—please—

Edward

[Helplessly]

It’s unbelievable—incredible. Oh dear!

[He collapses on the window seat.]

Evelyn

[Approaching him]

Edward—for God’s sake—

Edward

[Weakly]

Don’t come near me. I shall be all right in a minute.

Evelyn

[With growing anger]

You must be mad.

Edward

I certainly feel very strange.

[He goes into fits of laughter again.]

Evelyn

[Outraged]

Edward—do you realize what I’ve just told you?

Edward

[Trying to control himself]

Yes—perfectly.

Evelyn

And you can laugh!

Edward

Will you hand me a cigarette, please?

Evelyn

[Irately]

Look here, Edward—

Edward

[With sudden firmness]

Will you hand me a cigarette, please.

Evelyn

Here.

[He offers him his case.]

Edward

Thanks. [He takes one.] Light.

Evelyn

Here.

[He strikes a match.]

Edward

Thanks. I feel better now.

Evelyn

Well! What are you going to do about it?

Edward

Ring that bell, will you? By the door.

Evelyn

I can find my own way out.

Edward

[Firmly]

You’re not going yet. Ring the bell, please.

[Evelyn looks at him and then goes and rings the bell.]

Evelyn

Look here, Edward, I came here this morning because I felt I owed it to our friendship to confess the truth to you—

Edward

You’re out of your depth, Evie—far, far out of your depth.

Evelyn

I don’t know what you mean.

Edward

This is reality, not fiction.

[Berry enters.]

Berry

You rang, sir?

Edward

Will you ask your mistress to come down immediately, please, Berry? It’s very important.

Berry

Yes, sir.

[He goes out.]

Evelyn

[Panic-stricken]

Edward, this is not fair of you.

Edward

[Unceremoniously]

Shut up.

Evelyn

This is between us.

Edward

The three of us, Evie—what’s known, I believe, as the eternal triangle.

Evelyn

Let me tell you one thing—what happened was not deliberate.

Edward

You prefer to be thought a fool rather than a cad!

Evelyn

Yes, if you like to put it that way.

Edward

How typical!

Evelyn

I only asked Carol to dine, in the first place, for your sake.

Edward

For my sake?

Evelyn

Yes, I intended to teach her a lesson.

Edward

And she ended up by teaching you one.

Evelyn

[Utterly shocked]

Edward!

Edward

Men of your sort should stick to athletics and not attempt physiology.

Evelyn

I deserve that.

Edward

[Agreeably]

Fully.

[Carol enters from R. She starts visibly on seeing Evelyn.]

Carol

What’s the matter?

Edward

Don’t look so surprised, Carol. It’s terribly irritating.

Carol

I don’t understand.

Edward

I gather that you and Evie—

Evelyn

[Wounded by such frankness]

Edward!

Carol

[Looking at Evelyn]

You cad!

Edward

It was very unpleasant of you, Carol—

Carol

[Appealingly]

Edward, please—

Edward

I should like to know how it all happened.

Evelyn

I told you—I—

Edward

Carol will you explain, please?

Carol

Certainly not.

Edward

Very well. You must allow me to reconstruct it for myself.

Evelyn

Surely this is unnecessary.

Edward

That is entirely for me to decide.

Carol

You’re being unbelievably cheap.

Edward

[Mildly]

Really, Carol—keep a slight grip on your values.

Evelyn

Say what you like. I don’t care.

Edward

It wouldn’t make the slightest difference if you did.

Evelyn

Damned ungenerous.

Edward

Shut up and don’t be an ass. You and Carol have brought about this abominable situation. It’s up to you to keep quiet and let me straighten it out in my own way.

Evelyn

[Turning away]

Very well.

Edward

Thank you. Now then—Evie, you asked Carol to dine with you alone at your flat?

Evelyn

Yes.

Edward

Why?

Evelyn

I told you.

Edward

In order to teach her a lesson.

Carol

Oh, this is insufferable.

Edward

You’re perfectly right, it is. I gather that the first part of the lesson, Evie, necessitated you making love to her. Am I right?

Evelyn

[Impatiently]

Oh yes—

Edward

And then what?

[Turning]

Evelyn

Look here, Edward, I’m damned if I’m going to listen to this any longer—

Carol

Neither am I!

Edward

Tell me the truth, then, Carol. It will simplify matters considerably. Do you love Evie?

Carol

No.

Edward

Then why, if it’s not an indelicate question, did you—

Carol

[Violently]

Because he insulted me and tried to humiliate me and I determined to show him that he wasn’t as clever as he thought he was.

Edward

Admirable. You, Evie, had the ineffable conceit to pit your meager experience of the world against an extremely attractive and obviously unscrupulous woman. You then give in to her completely despite the fact that she is the wife of your friend; and not content with that, you turn on her afterward, work yourself up into a frenzy of false melodramatic values, rush round here and blurt it out to me doubtless under the delusion that by uncovering the whole shameful business you are vindicating your own honor! Oh, Evie, what a pitiful fool you are!

Evelyn

It’s no use blackguarding me any more, is it? What are you going to do about it?

Edward

I don’t quite know yet.

Carol

There’s nothing to be done.

Edward

You’re too sure of yourself, Carol—you always have been.

Evelyn

I wish to God I had shot myself.

Edward

It’s a little late to think of that now.

Evelyn

You’re being unnecessarily cruel, Edward.

Edward

I’m afraid I’m a bitter disappointment to you both. You see emotionally I’m unmoved. The capacity for feeling very deeply over Carol died a long while ago.

Evelyn

I should have thought that for the sake of our friendship—

Edward

That’s sheer cant. You’ve considerably over-estimated our friendship for years. If you care to analyze it honestly you’ll discover that we both bore one another stiff and always have. We were at school together—in different forms—since when we’ve dined together on an average of once a month. We’ve confided our troubles superficially for the want of something to talk about. We’re poles apart mentally and physically; we’ve built up this so-called great friendship on a basis of false tradition, and the only reason I realized it first is because my brain functions quicker than yours—

Evelyn

[Shattered]

Edward!

Edward

And I should like to add—having naturally a more acute sense of sex psychology than you—that the reason you took such a fatal interest in Carol’s morals was not on my account at all, but because she’d snubbed you severely several times and you were probably very much attracted to her.

Evelyn

It’s not true. You’re disgusting.

Edward

Be that as it may, the solution to the whole thing is obvious.

Evelyn

What do you mean?

Edward

I’ll tell you. Carol, you must go away immediately.

Carol

[Horrified]

Edward—

Evelyn

[Stricken]

But—I—I—

Edward

Wait a moment. Let me explain. Carol, you and I have no longer the slightest justification for living together. If you go away abroad somewhere I will make it perfectly easy for you to divorce me. If you don’t agree to this, I shall file a petition against you at once, naming Evie as corespondent. That’s the second ultimatum I’ve delivered this morning and I’m feeling extremely tired.

[He sits down.]

Carol

Edward, you can’t mean this—you can’t.

Edward

I do. I mean it more than I’ve ever meant anything in my life.

Carol

[Bursting into tears of rage]

I won’t stand it. I won’t!

Edward

You’re not being very polite to Evie.

Evelyn

You think you’re being damned clever.

Edward

That’s been hurled at me so often just lately that I’m honestly beginning to believe I am.

Carol

You utter beast.

Edward

Well—what’s the decision?

Carol

[Wailing]

I’ll never speak to you again—never—never—never.

Edward

[Rising]

Evie?

Evelyn

[Gruffly]

You’d better give us time to think.

Edward

What is the time now, anyhow?

Evelyn

[Looking at his watch]

Twenty past one.

Edward

My God! I knew I should be late. I’ll be at the Berkeley if you want me.

[Edward goes out. Evelyn and Carol look after him and then at each other.]

[Carol after a pause walks over and sits next to Evie.]

Carol

Evie.

Evie

What?

Carol

[Sweetly]

There’s still time for you to shoot yourself!

Curtain