Transcriber’s Note:

Mid-poem illustrations were moved to follow the related poem. Obvious printing errors, such as missing or partially printed letters and punctuation, were corrected.

PORRIDGE POETRY

Title page

PORRIDGE
POETRY

COOKED, ORNAMENTED
AND SERVED
UP BY

HUGH LOFTING

PUBLISHED BY
F. A. STOKES Cᵒ
NEW YORK

Copyright, 1924, by
Frederick A. Stokes Company

All rights reserved

Printed in the United States of America

PORRIDGE POETRY

THE PORRIDGE POET

Dear Children, I would have you know it:

That this is me, the Porridge Poet,

My inspiration’s in the ice-box;

My rhymes I pick out from the spice-box.

My verse is very free and easy,

Its flavour sometimes slightly cheesy;

But that, my friends, is no great crime in

The gentle art of kitchen rhymin’.

I’ve made delicious maccaronics

From peelings off spring philharmonics.

And as for comic songs or ballads,

I turn them out like summer salads.

’Tis to the cook-book that I owe it,

My reputation as a poet.

And if you’ll watch my pot a minute

I’ll show you how I mix things in it.

Now take a pint of vermicelli

And pound it to a nice smooth jelly;

If necessary use a hammer.

Then add a pinch or two of grammar.

Shake in an ounce of sifted syntax

And half a teaspoonful of tin tacks,

Then flavour with eggstravaganza,

And there you have a lovely stanza!

THE PORRIDGE POET

THE PORRIDGE POET

VERA VIRGINIA

Oh, what a popular person I am!

My full name is Vera Virginia Ham.

The barn-dance, the two-step, the sausage-roll trot,

The pig-jig, the hog-jog, I dance the whole lot.

VERA VIRGINIA

VERA VIRGINIA

THE LOLLIPOPINJAY

On lollipops I live. I’m gay;

I leap and swirl, I spin and sway.

Come join me in the dance, I pray!

Let’s go!—Slap-bang!—Hip, hip, hooray!

For I’m the lollipopinjay.

I loll by night, I dance all day.

I jump, I crouch and pop away

Skip! Hop!—Tip-top!—Hip, hip, hooray!

THE LOLLIPOPINJAY

THE LOLLIPOPINJAY

LATITUDES AND LONGITUDES

’Twas in the tropic latitudes

That we were talking platitudes,

Just sailor-like chit-chatitudes,

As any ship-mates might.

We forgot to take our longitude

(Which was a grievous wrongitude)

So we didn’t reach Hong-kongitude

Till very late that night.

LATITUDES AND LONGITUDES

LATITUDES AND LONGITUDES

THE FLEDGELING AND THE BUG

“Are you the kind of insect, Sir,

“My mother calls digestible?”

Enquired the little fledgeling of

The Sweet Potato Bug.

“I’m nothing of the kind, my friend.

“My taste is just detestable—

“And so is yours—Such impudence!”

He answered with a shrug.

THE FLEDGELING

THE FLEDGELING AND THE BUG

PICNIC

Ella, fell a

Maple tree.

Hilda, build a

Fire for me.

Teresa, squeeze a

Lemon, so.

Amanda, hand a

Plate to Flo.

Nora, pour a

Cup of tea.

Fancy, Nancy,

What a spree!

PICNIC

PICNIC

SCALLYWAG AND GOLLYWOG

Scally Wag and Golly Wog

Took their bag aboard a log

And started off to cross the ocean blue.

They’re still at sea, I have no doubt,

For all they do is fight about

Which shall be the Captain, which the crew.

SCALLYWAG AND GOLLYWOG

SCALLYWAG AND GOLLYWOG

THE PALM FAMILY

Nearby an African lagoon

Beneath the silent yellow moon

All safe from worries and alarms

There dwelt a family of palms.

It was a peaceful life they led

Mr. and Mrs. and little Fred;

And when the wind blew soft and low

They’d whisper tales of long ago.

THE PALM FAMILY

THE PALM FAMILY

THE FOOD-HYMN OF THE
COOK-GOBLINS

Down where the glow-worms faintly glitter,

Down where the fire-flies gleam and flitter,

Come listen to the sausage twitter,

Sizz and crackle in the pan!

Tripe or truffles, fancy fishes,

It doesn’t matter what your wish is;

None prepare such luscious dishes

As we, the gay Cook-goblins, can.

THE COOK-GOBLINS

THE COOK-GOBLINS

SCRUBBY CHUBBY

Such a scowling and a growling, howling yowling for a toy,

You grubby, snubby, tubby, chubby, scrubby little boy!

SCRUBBY CHUBBY

SCRUBBY CHUBBY

OOM-PAH

Oom-pah, boom-pah, oom-pah boom!

Like roses soon our cheeks will bloom.

We only ask for elbow-room

Oom-pah, boom-pah, oom-pah boom!

OOM-PAH

OOM-PAH

MISTER BEERS

This is Mister Beers:

And for forty-seven years

He’s been digging in his garden like a miner.

He isn’t planting seeds

Nor scratching up the weeds,

He’s trying to bore a tunnel down to China.

MISTER BEERS

MISTER BEERS

THE PIRATE OF THE KITCHEN SINK

And who might this be, should you think?

Why, the pirate of the kitchen sink!

A dish-rag sail, a spoon for oar,

Could any captain wish for more?

Aboard his racing coffee-pot

He roams an ocean steaming hot.

No cup or saucer stays afloat

That dares to bump into his boat.

KITCHEN SINK

THE PIRATE OF THE KITCHEN SINK

THE MILLINERY BIRD

A friendly Arctic Puffin asked

The Millinery Bird,

“Aren’t the styles they’re wearing now

“A little bit absurd?”

“Oh well,” sarcastically said

The other with a snigger,

“That will depend, my squatty friend,

“Entirely on your figure.”

THE MILLINERY BIRD

THE MILLINERY BIRD

MR. PARRY AND MRS. PRINGLE

Said Mrs. Pringle to Mr. Parry,

“Tell me why you never marry?”

Said Mr. Parry to Mrs. Pringle,

“Life is so much simpler single.”

PARRY AND PRINGLE

MR. PARRY AND MRS. PRINGLE

WEI HAI WO

A sage there was long, long ago,

A mandarin named Wei Hai Wo,

And at his window all day long

He sat and softly hummed this song

“How silly, Lily, lackaday!

“Deary daisy me!”

Said young Sin Ching to Wei Hai Wo,

“Please tell me why you sit there so?

I never chance this way to come

But that I always hear you hum,

“How silly, Lily, lackaday!

“Deary daisy me!”

“Well listen, friend,” said Wei Hai Wo,

“I love to watch the passing show,

“I take things easy, good and bad.

“Why should I rush through life like mad?

“How silly, Lily, lackaday!

“Deary, daisy me!”

“If others wish to run about

“Then let them. But let me look out.

“I’ve found that peace, my good Sin Ching,

“Is quite the most important thing.

“You see now why I sit and sing,

“How silly, Lily, lackaday!

“Deary, daisy me!”

WEI HAI WO

WEI HAI WO

THE VEGETABLE SCHOOL

Teaching school is not so easy,

Be it big, or be it small,

With a Spring term class made up of

Vegetable scholars all.

Make the turnips turn their toes out.

See the pumpkins punctuate.

Have the parsnips parse correctly.

Let us, Lettuce, start at eight.

Lima Bean’s been most provoking.

Send him to the garden bed.

Artful artichoke, I see you

Beating beet upon the head.

Spinach, spin your tops outside, please.

Take two sevenths from a whole.

Carrot, carry one and add, dear.

Cauliflower, call the roll.

THE VEGETABLE SCHOOL

THE VEGETABLE SCHOOL

THE WAFFLE-KITE

This is the Waffle-Kite

And oh, what an awful sight

He looks when he digs in the marsh with his beak.

Mud pies it’s fun to make

To set in the sun to bake

When you’ve got the right kind of face, so to speak.

THE WAFFLE-KITE

THE WAFFLE-KITE

CHRISTMAS DOUGH

For Christmas Day the Christmas dough

Is kneaded high and kneaded low.

Punch it thick and thump it thin,

Flatten it out with a rolling-pin.

In the kitchen’s lots of fun

When Christmas pie and Christmas bun

Are kneaded high and kneaded low

From lovely, squodgy, Christmas dough.

CHRISTMAS DOUGH

CHRISTMAS DOUGH

LOOSE IN THE MIDDLE

Hey diddle, diddle,

I’m loose in the middle.

Why can’t I get on with myself?

It’s not my digestion—

That’s out of the question,

’Cause I left it at home on the shelf.

LOOSE IN THE MIDDLE

LOOSE IN THE MIDDLE

THE BOTTICELLO

In Florence Signor Quaverello

Would play the four-string botticello

Every single Sunday night, ’tis said.

Until his wife upstairs would bellow

“You noisy, good-for-nothing fellow!

“Hello!

“Quaverello!

“Put that thing away and come to bed!”

THE BOTTICELLO

THE BOTTICELLO

THE TOFFEE ANALYST

“Oh, I’m the Toffee Analyst

So learned and sophisticky;

I’m making out a candy list,

It’s going to be statisticky.”

THE TOFFEE ANALYST

THE TOFFEE ANALYST

UP WRIGHT AND DOWN WRIGHT

Long ago the Brothers Wright

Were men of odd but great renown,

As different as day and night,

The neighbors called them Up and Down.

Now Up Wright was devout and lean,

Proper, virtuous and prim.

Whenever he felt low or mean

He merely sighed or sang a hymn.

A queerer pair was never made;

For Down Wright, short and thick,

Who always called a spade a spade,

Loved to argue, fight and kick.

Yet through the ups and downs of life

Through thick and thin, through good and ill,

In spite of all their constant strife

The brothers lived together still.

UP WRIGHT DOWN WRIGHT

UP WRIGHT AND DOWN WRIGHT

THE LEGEND OF THE SEA-SICK SEA-GULL

Once there was a herring gull

Who found the ocean very dull

Said he, “I’m always sea-sick on the silly rolling sea.

“I’ll go ashore and settle down

In some peaceful country town

And wear my carpet-slippers when I drink my china tea.”

SEA-GULL

THE SEA-SICK SEA-GULL

JIM NAST OF PAWTUCKET

Here’s little Jim Nast of Pawtucket

Who slid down the stairs in a bucket.

He has more understanding

Since reaching the landing.

Just look at the hole where he struck it!

JIM NAST OF PAWTUCKET

JIM NAST OF PAWTUCKET

CLIPPETY CLOP!

Clippety, snippety, clippety, clop!

A pretty pernickety barber’s shop!

Walk up! Walk in and have a shave,

A dry shampoo—a marcel wave,

Your whiskers trimmed in any style.

Come in, sit down and stay a while.

Soon the barber chimpanzees

Will bow and smile and say, “Next please!

“We’re always busy—never stop.

“Clippety, snippety, clippety, clop!”

CLIPPETY CLOP

CLIPPETY CLOP!

PETROLEUM AND TURPENTINE

“Oh won’t you be my Valentine

“This wintertime, sweet Turpentine?”

“How can I be, Petroleum?

“I’m promised to Linoleum.”

PETROLEUM AND TURPENTINE

PETROLEUM AND TURPENTINE

THE MILK AND HONEY HONEYMOON

The Milky Way was made for you,

The Honey-Moon for me.

If we could only mix the two

How happy we should be!

With a milk-and-honey honeymoon,

You see, my charming wife,

We’d only need a table-spoon

And we’d be fixed for life.

THE MILK AND HONEY HONEYMOON

THE MILK AND HONEY HONEYMOON

GIBBERISH

Sing a song of gibberish,

For this is rhyming day;

Hasty pudding, stirabout,

A goulash roundelay.

Sing a junket rigmarole,

A shindig jamboree,

Catalogues or doggerels,

They’re all the same to me.

GIBBERISH

GIBBERISH

MRS. VAN DER HOOK

There was a little lady and

her name was Mrs. Van der Hook.

She lived upon the main street of

the town of Amsterdam.

And when the neighbors told her it

was very rude to stand and look,

All she ever answered was,

“Well that’s the way I am.”

MRS. VAN DER HOOK

MRS. VAN DER HOOK

THE RAT AND GUITAR

You’ve heard of the Cat and the Fiddle,

Well, I am the Rat and Guitar.

I play by the moon

Such a beautiful toon

The Cat goes on sleeping—Ha! Ha!

THE RAT AND THE GUITAR

THE RAT AND THE GUITAR

BETWIXT AND BETWEEN

Betwixt and Between were two betwins,

Their father’s name was Twoddle.

They’ve been alike as a pair of pins

Since they could scarcely toddle.

BETWIXT AND BETWEEN

BETWIXT AND BETWEEN

THE KITCHEN KALENDAR

Pastry and Bun day

Ought to be Monday.

Then Irish Stews-day

Falls on a Tuesday.

Dine-out-with-friends day,

Let’s make that Wednesday.

Next, Apple-pie day

Should always be Friday.

Sausage-in-batter day,

Put that down Saturday.

But what about Sunday?

Oh, take a rest one day.

Kitchen scene

THE HOUSEHOLD DRUDGE

The Household Drudge

Was making fudge

In a great big china basin.

Alas! Alack!

She turned her back

And the poodle dipped his face in!

THE HOUSEHOLD DRUDGE

THE HOUSEHOLD DRUDGE

GOOD MORNING CORNUCOPIA

Good morning Cornucopia!

Your face looks even soapier

Than when I met you walking yesterday.

I know it, dear Symposium,

My complexion got so rosium

I covered it with lather and I left it there to stay.

GOOD MORNING CORNUCOPIA

GOOD MORNING CORNUCOPIA

GIMCRACK AND GEWGAW

Gimcrack and Gewgaw

Were riding a see-saw

And Gewgaw was up in the air.

There popped up a rabbit,

And Gim ran to grab it.

Said Gew, “Oh, that’s not playing fair!”

GIMCRACK AND GEWGAW

GIMCRACK AND GEWGAW

LULU GUBRIOUS

Said Auntie Macassar to Miss Lulu Gubrious

“Isn’t the weather just simply salubrious?”

“Why, no,” answered Lulu, “I think it’s monotonous.

“Just think if the rain should have gone and forgotten us!”

LULU GUBRIOUS

LULU GUBRIOUS