Ruth McEnery Stuart

Part I

Time: Daylight, the day before Christmas.
Place: Rowton’s store, Simpkinsville.

First Monologue, by Mr. Trimble:

“Who-a-a, there, ck, ck, ck! Back, now, Jinny! Hello, Rowton! Here we come, Jinny an’ me—six miles in the slush up to the hub, an’ Jinny with a unweaned colt at home. Whoa-a-a, there!

“It’s good Christmus don’t come but once’t a year—ain’t it, Jinny?

“Well, Rowton, you’re what I call a pro-gressive business man, that’s what you are. Blest ef he ain’t hired a whole row o’ little niggers to stand out in front of ’is sto’e an’ hold horses—while he takes his customers inside to fleece ’em.

“Come here, Pop-Eyes, you third feller, an’ ketch aholt o’ Jinny’s bridle. I always did like pop-eyed niggers. They look so God-forsaken an’ ugly. A feller thet’s afflicted with yo’ style o’ beauty ought to have favors showed him, an’ that’s why I intend for you to make the first extry to-day. The boy thet holds my horse of a Christmus Eve always earns a dollar. Don’t try to open yo’ eyes no wider—I mean what I say. How did Rowton manage to git you fellers up so early, I wonder. Give out thet he’d hire the first ten that come, did he? An’ gives each feller his dinner an’ a hat.

“I was half afeered you wouldn’t be open yet, Rowton—but I was determined to git ahead o’ the Christmus crowd, an’ I started by starlight. I ca’culate to meet ’em all a-goin’ back.

“Well, I vow, ef yo’ sto’e don’t look purty. Wish she could see it. She’d have some idee of New York. But, of co’se, I couldn’t fetch her to-day, an’ me a-comin’ specially to pick out her Christmus gif’. She’s jest like a child. Ef she s’picions befo’ hand what she’s a-goin’ to git, why, she don’t want it.

“I notice when I set on these soap-boxes, my pockets is jest about even with yo’ cash-drawer, Rowton. Well, that’s what we’re here for. Fetch out all yo’ purties, now, an’ lay ’em along on the counter. You know her, an’ she ain’t to be fooled in quality. Reckon I will walk around a little an’ see what you’ve got. I ain’t got a idee on earth what to buy, from a broach to a barouche. Let’s look over some o’ yo’ silver things, Rowton. Josh Porter showed me a butter-dish you sold him with a silver cow on the led of it, an’ I was a-wonderin’ ef, maybe, you didn’t have another.

“That’s it. That’s a mighty fine idee, a statue like that is. It sort o’ designates a thing. D’rec’ly a person saw the cow, now, he’d s’picion the butter inside the dish. Of co’se, he’d know they wouldn’t hardly be hay in it—no, ez you say, ‘nor a calf.’ No doubt wife’ll be a-wantin’ one o’ these cow-topped ones quick ez she sees Josh’s wife’s. She’ll see the p’int in a minute—of the cow, I mean. But, of co’se, I wouldn’t think o’ gittin’ her the same thing Josh’s got for Helen, noways. We’re too near neighbors for that. Th’ ain’t no fun in borryin’ duplicates over a stile when company drops in sudden, without a minute’s warnin’.

“No, you needn’t call my attention to that tiltin’ ice-pitcher. I seen it soon ez I approached the case. Didn’t you take notice to me a-liftin’ my hat? That was what I was a-bowin’ to, that pitcher was. No, that’s the thing wife hankers after, an’ I know it, an’ it’s the one thing I’ll never buy her. Not thet I’d begrudge it to her—but to tell the truth it’d pleg me to have to live with the thing. I wouldn’t mind it on Sundays or when they was company in the house, but I like to take off my coat, hot days, an’ set around in my shirt-sleeves, an’ I doubt ef I’d have the cheek to do it in the face of sech a thing as that.

“Fact is, when I come into a room where one of ’em is, I sort o’ look for it to tilt over of its own accord an’ bow to me an’ ask me to ‘be seated.’

“You needn’t to laugh. Of co’se, they’s a reason for it—but it’s so. I’m jest that big of a ninny. Ricollec’ Jedge Robinson, he used to have one of ’em—jest about the size o’ this one—two goblets an’ a bowl—an’ when I’d go up to the house on a errand for pa, time pa was distric’ coroner, the jedge’s mother-in-law, ol’ Mis’ Meredy, she’d be settin’ in the back room a-sewin’; an’ when the black gal would let me in the front door she’d sort o’ whisper: ‘Invite him to walk into the parlor and be seated.’ I’d overhear her say it, an’ I’d turn into the parlor, an’ first thing I’d see’d be that ice-pitcher. I don’t think anybody can set down good, noways, when they’re ast to ‘be seated,’ an’ when, in addition to that, I’d meet the swingin’ ice-pitcher half way to the patent rocker, I didn’t have no mo’ consciousness where I was a-settin’ than nothin’. An’ like ez not the rocker’d squawk first strain I put on it. She wasn’t no mo’n a sort o’ swingin’ ice-pitcher herself, ol’ Mis’ Meredy wasn’t—walkin’ round the house weekdays dressed in black silk, with a lace cap on her head, an’ half insultin’ his company thet he’d knowed all his life. I did threaten once-t to tell her, ‘No, thank you, ma’am, I don’t keer to be seated—but I’ll set down ef it’s agreeable,’ but when the time would come I’d turn round an’ there’d be the ice-pitcher. An’ after that I couldn’t be expected to do nothin’ but back into the parlor over the Brussels carpet an’ chaw my hat-brim. But, of co’se, I was young then.

“Reckon you’ve heerd the tale they tell on Aleck Turnbull the day he went there in the old lady’s time. She had him ast into the cushioned sanctuary—an’ Aleck hadn’t seen much them days—an’ what did he do but gawk around an’ plump hisself down into that gilt-backed rocker with a tune-playin’ seat in it, an’, of co’se, quick ez his weight struck it, it started up a jig tune, an’ they say Aleck shot out o’ that door like ez ef he’d been fired out of a cannon. An’ he never did go back to say what he come after. I doubt ef he ever knew.

“How much did you say for the ice-pitcher, Rowton? Thirty dollars—an’ you’ll let me have it for—hush, now, don’t say that. I don’t see how you could stand so close to it an’ offer to split dollars. Of co’se I ain’t a-buyin’ it, but ef I was I wouldn’t want no reduction on it, I’d feel like ez ef it would always know it an’ have a sort of contemp’ for me. They’s suitableness in all things. Besides, I never want no reduction on anything I buy for her, someways. You can charge me reg’lar prices an’ make it up on the Christmus gif’ she buys for me—that is, ef she buys it from you. Of co’se it’ll be charged. That’s a mighty purty coral broach, that grape-bunch one, but she’s so pink-complected, I don’t know ez she’d become it. I like this fish-scale set, myself, but she might be prejerdyced ag’in’ the idee of it. You say she admired that hand-merror, an’ this pair o’ side-combs—an’ she ’lowed she’d git ’em fur my Christmus gif’ ef she dared? But, of co’se, she was jokin’ about that. Poor little thing, she ain’t never got over the way folks run her about that side-saddle she give me last Christmus, though I never did see anything out o’ the way in it. She knew thet the greatest pleasure o’ my life was in makin’ her happy, and she was jest simple-hearted enough to do it—that’s all—an’ I can truly say thet I ain’t never had mo’ pleasure out of a Christmus gif’ in my life than I’ve had out o’ that side-saddle. She’s been so consistent about it—never used it in her life without a-borryin’ it of me, an’ she does it so cunnin’. Of co’se I don’t never loand it to her without a kiss. They ain’t a cunnin’er play-actor on earth ’n she is, though she ain’t never been to a theatre—an’ wouldn’t go, bein’ too well raised.

“You say this pitcher wasn’t there when she was here—no, for ef it had ’a’ been, I know she’d ’a’ took on over it. Th’ ain’t never been one for sale in Simpkinsville before. They’ve been several of ’em brought here by families besides the one old Mis’ Meredy presided over—though that was one o’ the first. But wife is forever a-pickin’ out purty patterns of ’em in catalogues. Ef that one hadn’t ’a’ give me such a setback in my early youth I’d git her this, jest to please her. Ef I was to buy this one, it an’ the plush album would set each other off lovely. She’s a-buyin’ it on instalments from the same man thet enlarged her photograph to a’ ile-painted po’trait, an’ it’s a dandy! She’s got me a-settin’ up on the front page, took with my first wife, which it looks to me thet if she’d do that much to please me, why, I might buy almost anything to please her, don’t it? Of co’se I don’t take no partic’lar pleasure in that photograph—but she seems to think I might, an’ no doubt she’s put it there to show thet she ain’t small-minded. You ricollec’ Mary Jane was plain-featured, but Kitty don’t seem to mind that ez much ez I do, now thet she’s gone an’ her good deeds ain’t in sight. I never did see no use in throwin’ a plain-featured woman’s looks up to her post mortem.

“This is a mighty purty pitcher, in my judgment, but to tell the truth I’ve made so much fun o’ the few swingin’ pitchers thet’s been in this town that I’d be ashamed to buy it, even ef I could git over my own obnoxion to it. But of co’se, ez you say, everybody’d know thet I done it jest to please her—an’ I don’t know thet they’s a more worthy object in a married man’s life than that.

“I s’pose I’ll haf to git it for her. An’ I want a bold, outspoke dedication on it, Rowton. I ain’t a-goin’ about it shamefaced. Here, gimme that pencil. Now, I want this inscription on it, word for word. I’ve got to stop over at Paul’s to git him to regulate my watch, an’ I’ll tell him to hurry an’ mark it for me, soon ez you send it over.

“Well, so long. Happy Christmus to you an’ yo’ folks.

“Say, Rowton, wrap up that little merror an’ them side-combs an’ send ’em along, too, please. So long!”

Part II

Time: Same morning.
Place: Store in Washington.

Second Monologue, by Mrs. Trimble:

“Why, howdy, Mis’ Blakes—howdy, Mis’ Phemie—howdy, all. Good-mornin’, Mr. Lawson. I see yo’ sto’e is fillin’ up early. Great minds run in the same channel, partic’larly on Christmus Eve.

“My old man started off this mornin’ befo’ day, an’ soon ez he got out o’sight down the Simpkinsville road, I struck out for Washin’ton, an’ here I am. He thinks I’m home seedin’ raisins. He was out by starlight this mornin’ with the big wagon, an’, of co’se, I know what that means. He’s gone for my Christmus gif’, an’ I’m put to it to know what tremenjus thing he’s a-layin’ out to fetch me—thet takes a cotton-wagon to haul it. Of co’se I imagine everything, from a guyaskutus down. I always did like to git things too big to go in my stockin’. What you say, Mis’ Blakes? Do I hang up my stockin’? Well, I reckon. I hadn’t quit when I got married, an’ I think that’s a poor time to stop, don’t you? Partic’larly when you marry a man twice-t yo’ age, an’ can’t convince him thet you’re grown, noways. Yes, indeedy, that stockin’ goes up to-night—not mine, neither, but one I borry from Aunt Jane Peters. I don’t wonder y’all laugh. Aunt Jane’s foot is a yard long ef it’s a’ inch, but I’ll find it stuffed to-morrer mornin’, even ef the guyaskutus has to be chained to the mantel. An’ it’ll take me a good hour to empty it, for he always puts a lot o’ devilment in it, an’ I give him a beatin’ over the head every nonsensical thing I find in it. We have a heap o’ fun over it, though.

“He don’t seem to know I’m grown, an’ I know I don’t know he’s old.

“Listen to me runnin’ on, an’ you all nearly done yo’ shoppin’. Which do you think would be the nicest to give him, Mr. Lawson—this silver card-basket, or that Cupid vase, or——?

“Y’all needn’t to wink. I seen you, Mis’ Blakes. Ef I was to pick out a half dozen socks for him like them you’re a-buyin’ for Mr. Blakes, how much fun do you suppose we’d have out of it? Not much. I’d jest ez lief ’twasn’t Christmus—an’ so would he—though they do say his first wife give him a bolt o’ domestic once-t for Christmus, an’ made it up into nightshirts an’ things for him du’in the year. Think of it. No, I’m a-goin’ to git him somethin’ thet’s got some git-up to it, an’—an’ it’ll be either—that Cupid vase—or—lordy, Mr. Lawson, don’t fetch out that swingin’ ice-pitcher. I glimpsed it quick ez I come in the door, an’, says I, ‘Get thee behind me, Satan,’ an’ turned my back on it immejiate.

“But of co’se I ca-culated to git you to fetch it out jest for me to look at, after I’d selected his present. Ain’t it a beauty? Seems to me they couldn’t be a more suitable present for a man—ef he didn’t hate ’em so. No, Mis’ Blakes, it ain’t only thet he don’t never drink ice-water. I wouldn’t mind a little thing like that.

“You ricollec’ ol’ Mis’ Meredy, she used to preside over one thet they had, an’ somehow he taken a distaste to her an’ to ice-pitchers along with her, an’ he don’t never lose a chance to express his disgust. When them new folks was in town last year projec’in’ about the railroad, he says to me, ‘I hope they won’t stay, they’d never suit Simpkinsville on earth. They’re the regular swingin’ ice-pitcher sort. Git folks like that in town an’ it wouldn’t be no time befo’ they’d start a-chargin’ pew rent in our churches.’ We was both glad when they give out thet they wasn’t a-goin’ to build the road. They say railroads is mighty corruptin’, an’ me, with my sick headaches, an’ a’ ingine whistle in town, no indeed! Besides, ef it was to come I know I’d be the first one run over. It’s bad enough to have bulls in our fields without turnin’ steam-ingines loose on us. Jest one look at them cow-ketchers is enough to frustrate a person till he’d stand stock still an’ wait to be run over—jest like poor crazy Mary done down here to Cedar Springs.

“They say crazy Mary looked that headlight full in the face, jes’ the same ez a bird looks at a snake, till the thing caught her, an’ when the long freight train had passed over her she didn’t have a single remain, not a one, though I always thought they might’ve gethered up enough to give her a funeral. When I die I intend to have a funeral, even if I’m drownded at sea. They can stand on the sho’e, an’ I’ll be jest ez likely to know it ez them thet lay in view lookin’ so ca’m. I’ve done give him my orders, though they ain’t much danger o’ me dyin’ at sea, not ef we stay in Simpkinsville.

“How much are them willer rockers, Mr. Lawson? I declare that one favors my old man ez it sets there, even without him in it. Nine dollars? That’s a good deal for a pants-tearin’ chair, seems to me, which them willers are, the last one of ’em, an’ I’m a mighty poor hand to darn. Jest let me lay my stitches in colors, in the shape of a flower, an’ I can darn ez well ez the next one, but I do despise to fill up holes jest to be a-fillin’. Yes, ez you say, them silver-mounted brier-wood pipes is mighty purty, but he smokes so much ez it is, I don’t know ez I want to encourage him. Besides, it seems a waste o’ money to buy a Christmus gif’ thet a person has to lay aside when company comes in, an’ a silver-mounted pipe ain’t no politer to smoke in the presence o’ ladies than a corncob is. An’ ez for when we’re by ourselves—shucks.

“Ef you don’t mind, Mr. Lawson, I’ll stroll around through the sto’e an’ see what you’ve got while you wait on some o’ them thet know their own minds. I know mine well enough. What I want is that swingin’ ice-pitcher, an’ my judgment tells me thet they ain’t a more suitable present in yo’ sto’e for a settled man thet has built hisself a residence an’ furnished it complete the way he has, but of co’se ’twouldn’t never do. I always think how I’d enjoy it when the minister called. I wonder what Mr. Lawson thinks o’ me back here a-talkin’ to myself. I always like to talk about the things I’m buyin’. That’s a mighty fine saddle-blanket, indeed it is. He was talkin’ about a new saddle-blanket the other day. But that’s a thing a person could pick up almost any day, a saddle-blanket is. A’ ice-pitcher now——

“Say, Mr. Lawson, lemme look at that tiltin’-pitcher again, please, sir. I jest want to see ef the spout is gold-lined. Yes, so it is—an’ little holes down in the throat of it, too. It cert’n’y is well made, it cert’n’y is. I s’pose them holes is to strain out grasshoppers or anything thet might fall into it. That musician thet choked to death at the barbecue down at Pump Springs last summer might ’a’ been livin’ yet ef they’d had sech ez this to pass water in, instid o’ that open pail. He’s got a mighty keerless way o’ drinkin’ out open dippers, too. No tellin’ what he’ll scoop up some day. They’d be great safety for him in a pitcher like this—ef I could only make him see it. It would seem a sort o’ awkward thing to pack out to the well every single time, an’ he won’t drink no water but what he draws fresh. An’ I s’pose it would look sort o’ silly to put it in here jest to drink it out again.

“Sir? Oh, yes, I saw them saddle-bags hangin’ up back there, an’ they are fine, mighty fine, ez you say, an’ his are purty near wo’e out, but lordy, I don’t want to buy a Christmus gif’ thet’s hung up in the harness room half the time. What’s that you say? Won’t you all never git done a-runnin’ me about that side-saddle? You can’t pleg me about that. I got it for his pleasure, ef it was for my use, an’, come to think about it, I’d be jest reversin’ the thing on the pitcher. It would be for his use an’ my pleasure. I wish I could see my way to buy it for him. Both goblets go with it, you say—an’ the slop bowl? It cert’n’y is handsome—it cert’n’y is. An’ it’s expensive—nobody could accuse me o’ stintin’ ’im. Wonder why they didn’t put some polar bears on the goblets, too. They’d ’a’ had to be purty small bears, but they could ’a’ been cubs, easy.

“I don’t reely believe, Mr. Lawson, indeed I don’t, thet I could find a mo’ suitable present for him ef I took a month, an’ I don’t keer what he’s a-pickin’ out for me this minute, it can’t be no handsomer’n this. Th’ ain’t no use—I’ll haf to have it—for ’im. Jest charge it, please, an’ now I want it marked. I’ll pay cash for the markin’, out of my egg money. An’ I want his full name. Have it stamped on the iceberg right beside the bear. ‘Ephraim N. Trimble.’ No, you needn’t to spell out the middle name. I should say not. Ef you knew what it was you wouldn’t ask me. Why, it’s Nebuchadnezzar. It’d use up the whole iceberg. Besides, I couldn’t never think o’ Nebuchadnezzar there an’ not a spear o’ grass on the whole lan’scape. You needn’t to laugh. I know it’s silly, but I always think o’ sech ez that. No, jest write it, ‘Ephraim N. Trimble, from his wife, Kitty.’ Be sure to put in the Kitty, so in after years it’ll show which wife give it to him. Of co’se, them thet knew us both would know which one. Mis’ Mary Jane wouldn’t never have approved of it in the world. Why, she used to rip up her old crocheted tidies an’ things an’ use ’em over in bastin’ thread, so they tell me. She little dremp’ who she was a-savin’ for, poor thing. She was buyin’ this pitcher then, but she didn’t know it. But I keep a-runnin’ on. Go on with the inscription, Mr. Lawson. What have you got? ‘From his wife, Kitty’—what’s the matter with ‘affectionate wife’? You say affectionate is a purty expensive word? But ‘lovin’’ ’ll do jest ez well, an’ it comes cheaper, you say? An’ plain ‘wife’ comes cheapest of all? An’ I don’t know but what it’s mo’ suitable, anyhow—at his age. Of co’se, you must put in the date, an’ make the ‘Kitty’ nice an’ fancy, please. Lordy, well, the deed’s done—an’ I reckon he’ll threaten to divo’ce me when he sees it—till he reads the inscription. Better put in the ‘lovin’,’ I reckon, an’ put it in capitals—they don’t cost no more, do they? Well, good-bye, Mr. Lawson, I reckon you’ll be glad to see me go. I’ve outstayed every last one thet was here when I come. Well, good-bye! Have it marked immejiate, please, an’ I’ll call back in an hour. Good-bye, again!”

Part III

When old man Trimble stood before the fireplace at midnight that night, stuffing little parcels into the deep, borrowed stocking, he chuckled noiselessly, and glanced with affection towards the corner of the room where his young wife lay sleeping. He was a fat old man, and as he stood with shaking sides in his loose, home-made pajamas, he would have done credit to a more conscious impersonation of old Santa himself.

His task finally done, he glanced down at a tall bundle that stood on the floor almost immediately in front of him, moved back with his hands resting on his hips, and thoughtfully surveyed it.

“Well, ef anybody had ’a’ told it on me I never would ’a’ believed it,” he said, under his breath. “The idee o’ me, Ephe Trimble, settin’ up sech a thing ez that in his house—at my time o’ life.” Then glancing towards the sleeper, he added, with a chuckle, “an’ ef they’d ’a’ prophesied it I wouldn’t ’a’ believed sech ez thet, neither—at my time o’ life—bless her little curly head.”

He sat down on the floor beside the bundle, clipped the twine, and cautiously pushed back the wrappings. Then, rising, he carefully set each piece of the water-set up above the stocking on the mantel. He did not stop to examine it. He was anxious to get it in place without noise.

It made a fine show, even in the dim, unsteady light of a single taper that burned in its tumbler of oil close beside the bed. Indeed, when it arose in all its splendor, he was very much impressed.

“A thing like that ought to have a chandelier to set it off right,” he thought—“yas, and she’ll have one, too—she’ll have anything she wants—thet I can give her.”

Sleep came slowly to the old man that night, and even long after his eyes were closed, the silver things seemed arrayed in line upon his mental retina. And when, after a long while, he fell into a troubled slumber, it was only to dream. And in his dream old Judge Robinson’s mother-in-law seemed to come and stand before him—black dress, side curls, and all—and when he looked at her for the first time in his life unabashed—she began to bow, over and over again, and to say with each salutation, “Be seated”—“be seated”—“be seated,” getting farther and farther away with each bow until she was a mere speck in the distance—and then the speck became a spot of white, and he saw that the old lady had taken on a spout and a handle, and that she was only an ice-pitcher, tilting, and tilting, and tilting,—while from the yellow spout came a fine metallic voice saying, “Be seated”—“be seated”—again and again. Then there would be a change. Two ladies would appear approaching each other and retreating—turning into two ice-pitchers, tilting to each other, then passing from tilting pitchers to bowing ladies, until sometimes there seemed almost to be a pitcher and a lady in view at the same time. When he began to look for them both at once the dream became tantalizing. Twin ladies and twin pitchers—but never quite clearly a lady and a pitcher. Even while the vision tormented him it held him fast—perhaps because he was tired, having lost his first hours of sleep.

He was still sleeping soundly, spite of the dissolving views of the novel panorama, when above the two voices that kept inviting him to “be seated,” there arose, in muffled tones at first, and then with distressing distinctness, a sound of sobbing. It made the old man turn on his pillow even while he slept, for it was the voice of a woman, and he was tender of heart. It seemed in the dream and yet not of it—this awful, suppressed sobbing that disturbed his slumber, but was not quite strong enough to break it. But presently, instead of the muffled sob, there came a cumulative outburst, like that of a too hard-pressed turkey-gobbler forced to the wall. He thought it was the old black gobbler at first, and he even said, “Shoo,” as he sprang from his bed. But a repetition of the sound sent him bounding through the open door into the dining-room, dazed and trembling.

Seated beside the dining-table there, with her head buried in her arms, sat his little wife. Before her, ranged in line upon the table, stood the silver water-set—her present to him. He was beside her in a moment—leaning over her, his arms about her shoulders.

“Why, honey,” he exclaimed, “what on earth——”

At this she only cried the louder. There was no further need for restraint. The old man scratched his head. He was very much distressed.

“Why, honey,” he repeated, “tell its old man all about it. Didn’t it like the purty pitcher thet its old husband bought for it? Was it too big—or too little—or too heavy for it to tote all the way out here from that high mantel? Why didn’t it wake up its lazy ol’ man and make him pack it out here for it?”

It was no use. She was crying louder than ever. He did not know what to do. He began to be cold and he saw that she was shivering. There was no fire in the dining-room. He must do something. “Tell its old man what it would ’a’ ruther had,” he whispered in her ear, “jest tell him, ef it don’t like its pitcher——”

At this she made several efforts to speak, her voice breaking in real turkey-gobbler sobs each time, but finally she managed to wail:

“It ain’t m-m-m-mi-i-i-ne!”

“Not yours! Why, honey. What can she mean? Did it think I bought it for anybody else? Ain’t yours! Well, I like that. Lemme fetch that lamp over here till you read the writin’ on the side of it, an’ I’ll show you whose it is.” He brought the lamp.

“Read that, now. Why, honey! Wh-wh-wh-what in thunder an’ lightnin’! They’ve done gone an’ reversed it. The fool’s put my name first—‘Ephraim N. Trimble. From—his——’

“Why Jerusalem jinger!

“No wonder she thought I was a low-down dog—to buy sech a thing an’ mark it in my own name—no wonder—here on Christmus, too. The idee o’ Rowton not seein’ to it thet it was done right——”

By this time the little woman had somewhat recovered herself. Still, she stammered fearfully.

“R-r-r-owton ain’t never s-s-s-saw that pitcher. It come from L-l-l-awson’s, d-d-down at Washin’ton, an’ I b-brought it for y-y-y-you!”

“Why, honey-darlin’—” A sudden light came into the old man’s eyes. He seized the lamp and hurried to the door of the bed-chamber, and looked in. This was enough. Perhaps it was mean—but he could not help it—he set the lamp down on the table, dropped into a chair, and fairly howled with laughter.

“No wonder I dremp’ ol’ Mis’ Meredy was twins!” he screamed. “Why, h-h-honey,” he was nearly splitting his old sides—“why, honey, I ain’t seen a thing but these two swingin’ pitchers all night. They’ve been dancin’ before me—them an’ what seemed like a pair o’ ol’ Mis’ Meredys, an’ between ’em all I ain’t slep’ a wink.”

“N-n-either have I. An’ I dremp’ about ol’ Mis’ M-m-m-eredy, too. I dremp’ she had come to live with us—an’ thet y-y-you an’ me had moved into the back o’ the house. That’s why I got up. I couldn’t sleep easy, an’ I thought I might ez well git up an’ see wh-wh-what you’d brought me. But I didn’t no mor’n glance at it. But you can’t say you didn’t sleep, for you was a-s-s-snorin’ when I come out here——”

“An’ so was you, honey, when I ’ranged them things on the mantel. Lemme go an’ git the other set an’ compare ’em. That one I picked out is mighty purty.”

“I’ll tell you befo’ you fetch ’em thet they’re exactly alike”—she began to cry again—“even to the p-p-polar bear. I saw that at a glance, an’ it makes it s-s-so much more ridic’——”

“Hush, honey. I’m reely ashamed of you—I reely am. Seems to me ef they’re jest alike so much the better. What’s the matter with havin’ a pair of ’em? We might use one for butter-milk.”

“Th-that would be perfectly ridiculous. A polar bear’d look like a fool on a buttermilk pitcher. N-n-no, the place for pitchers like them is in halls, on tables, where anybody comin’ in can see ’em, an’ stop an’ git a drink. They couldn’t be nothin’ tackier’n pourin’ buttermilk out of a’ ice-pitcher.”

“Of co’se, if you say so, we won’t—I jest thought maybe—or, I tell you what we might do. I could easy take out a panel o’ banisters out of the side po’ch, an’ put in a pair o’ stair-steps, so ez to make a sort o’ side entrance to the house, an’ we could set one of ’em in it. It would make the pitcher come a little high, of co’se, but it would set off that side o’ the house lovely, an’ ef you say so——

“Lemme go git ’em all out here together.”

As he trudged in presently loaded up with the duplicate set he said, “I wonder ef you know what time it is, wife?”

She glanced over her shoulder at the clock on the wall.

“Don’t look at that. It’s six o’clock last night by that. I forgot to wind her up. No, it’s half-past three o’clock—that’s all it is.” By this time he had placed his water-set beside hers upon the table. “Why, honey,” he exclaimed, “where on earth? I don’t see a sign of a’ inscription on this—an’ what is this paper in the spout? Here, you read it, wife, I ain’t got my specs.”

“Why, it—an’ here’s another paper. What can this be, I wonder?”

The little wife colored as she read it.

“Oh, that ain’t nothin’ but the motter he was to print on it. But ain’t it lucky thet he didn’t do it? I’ll change it—that’s what I’ll do—for anything you say. There, now. Don’t that fix it?”

She was very still for a moment—very thoughtful. “An’ affectionate is a mighty expensive word, too,” she said, slowly, glancing over the intended inscription, in her husband’s handwriting. “Yes. Your pitcher don’t stand for a thing but generosity—an’ mine don’t mean a thing but selfishness. Yes, take it back, cert’nly, that is ef you’ll get me anything I want for it. Will you?”

“Shore. They’s a cow-topped butter-dish an’ no end o’ purty little things out there you might like. An’ ef it’s goin’ back, it better be a-goin’. I can ride out to town an’ back befo’ breakfast. Come, kiss me, wife.”

She threw both arms around her old husband’s neck, and kissed him on one cheek and then on the other. Then she kissed his lips. And then, as she went for pen and paper, she said: “Hurry, now, an’ hitch up, an’ I’ll be writin’ down what I want in exchange—an’ you can put it in yo’ pocket.”

In a surprisingly short time the old man was on his way—a heaped basket beside him, a tiny bit of writing in his pocket. When he had turned into the road he drew rein for a moment, lit a match, and this is what he read:

When Ephraim put the little note back in his pocket, he took out his handkerchief and wiped his eyes.

Her good neighbors and friends, even as far as Simpkinsville and Washington, had their little jokes over Mis’ Trimble’s giving her splendor-despising husband a swinging ice-pitcher, but they never knew of the two early trips of the twin pitcher, nor of the midnight comedy in the Trimble home.

But the old man often recalls it, and as he sits in his front hall smoking his silver-mounted pipe, and shaking its ashes into the lava bowl that stands beside the ice-pitcher at his elbow, he sometimes chuckles to himself.

Noticing his shaking shoulders as he sat thus one day his wife turned from the window, where she stood watering her geraniums, and said:

“What on earth are you a-laughin’ at, honey?” (She often calls him “honey” now.)

“How did you know I was a-laughin’?” He looked over his shoulder at her as he spoke.

“Why, I seen yo’ shoulders a-shakin’—that’s how.” And then she added, with a laugh, “An’ now I see yo’ reflection in the side o’ the ice-pitcher, with a zig-zag grin on you a mile long—yo’ smile just happened to strike a iceberg.”

He chuckled again.

“Is that so? Well, the truth is, I’m just sort o’ tickled over things in general, an’ I’m a-settin’ here gigglin’, jest from pure contentment.”