THURSDAY. Course—straight ahead. Weather—clear. Wind—same. Sea—same. Ship’s Run—same.
Remarks:
The crew continue scrubbing the decks. They did it in the rainy
weather, and now it’s just the same. This ship etiquette is a
nuisance.—I’m up in the air about my two tadpoles. I don’t know
what has become of them. Found two frogs in their cage. I don’t know
where they came from either. Perhaps they ate my two pollywogs. Now I
have four frogs and no tadpoles.—We have thrown overboard 1,119,111
microbes to date. I only need two of each kind.—I’m getting prouder of
my animals every day. I have the finest collection in captivity.—The
back of my neck is blistered.—Had a bad scare today. Saw what we
thought was a periscope but found it was only one of Mrs. Noah’s ear
trumpets which had fallen overboard.
FRIDAY. Course—straight ahead. Weather—clear. Wind—same. Sea—same. Ship’s Run—same.
Remarks:
We tried to give the ichthyosaurus quadriscessus an airing. She made
the ship list so badly we had to drive her back to the steerage.—Guess
the second officer fell asleep on the bridge. He did not call me for
my watch.—The ladies always want to come up on the bridge when I
am there. I had to take them through the Ark today. Mrs. Ham made
some sarcastic remarks. She said she had frequently crossed on
more luxurious vessels. That may be, but she never had a trip like
this. These women are a perfect nuisance, but a captain has to be
polite.—Walked around deck 16 times.
SATURDAY. Course—straight ahead. Weather—same. Wind—same. Sea—same. Ship’s Run—same.
Remarks:
Today we sprinkled a barrel of eau de cologne in the steerage and
second cabin.—Posed again for my picture. Mrs. Shem promises to send
me one if it is good.—Had the ladies in my cabin for tea. They asked
many questions about my experiences at sea. I told them a few old
yarns. Gave them all my autograph.—If those potato-bugs don’t soon
lose their appetites we will run out of spuds.—Walked around deck 10
times.—Bath.
SUNDAY. Course—straight ahead. Weather—same. Wind—same. Sea—same. Ship’s Run—same.
Remarks:
Services. I have a hard time getting the men to church this clear
weather.—Put on my Sunday clothes today. It’s a nuisance to dress
in these little staterooms. Every time I change my robes I have to
pull the trunk from under the bunk, and then the things I want are
usually in the trunks in the hold.—These women ask me so many foolish
questions. I have to explain the machinery, the charts, and tell
them how I run the Ark. They pester the life out of me with “What is
this?” and “What is that for?” If they bother me tomorrow I’m going to
hide.—Walked around the deck eight times.—We have prunes every Sunday
night for supper.
WASHDAY. Course—straight ahead. Weather—same. Wind—same. Sea—same. Ship’s Run—same.
Remarks:
Women folks down below washing. I was awfully lonely all day.—Now that
the wireless is out of commission the ladies are using the wires for a
clothes line.—Ham says the moles are burrowing in the coal.—The goats
nearly ate the fish-worms’ pan.—The two mules with the tiger’s skin
are overeating.—Still painting the Ark.—The laundry on this ship is
miserable. My collars are like saws.—I’m getting corns on my hands
from steering.—Walked around deck five times.
TUESDAY. Course—straight ahead. Weather—same. Wind—same. Sea—same. Ship’s Run—same.
Remarks:
One of the bulldogs buried his bone in the coal. He wouldn’t let Ham go
near the bunkers. If I hadn’t gone down cellar and chased him back to
his kennel the Ark would have stopped. Ham is a big coward to be afraid
of a little bulldog.—Was shocked this afternoon. Found the women folks
in the smoke room holding a suffrage powwow. These women will want to
run everything some day. I can remember the time when they knew where
they belonged. I haven’t any use for these modern notions.
I’m tired writing all this dope about the course, weather, etc. I’m going to quit it even if I lose my job. Besides, I’m running out of stone and my chisels are getting dull.
WEDNESDAY.
Course—I forgot, I’m not going
to write that any more.
Remarks:
Spent the morning writing letters.—Shem called my attention to the
fact that I call the right hand side of the Ark the right side, and the
left hand side the left side. He says I should say “port” for the port
side, and “starboard” for the starboard side—or something like that.
He seems to forget this is my first flood and I’m liable to make a few
mistakes.—Ham dressed up the girl monkey, and took out the hand-organ.
He thought I would give him some shekels, but he was mistaken.
Remarks:
Wish the hen would lay more than one egg a day. We take turns eating it
for breakfast. Eight days is a long time to wait. I’m going to suggest
omelets.—Shem propounded a good one tonight. He asked why a hen
crosses the boulevard. I laughed so hard it hurt.—Mrs. Shem took my
picture again today.—Four of the seven kittens each found seven more
kittens.—Moved the bookworms from the hold to Mrs. Noah’s cook book.
They ought to find something they like in it.—The ravens make a lot of
noise at night. I would choke them, only I need one later.—Mrs. Noah
brings Yorick into the dining-room at meal time. I never did like to
see people feed pets at the table.—One of the fleas is lost.
Remarks:
We had our dance tonight. It was a glorious success. I’m all out of
breath, and dead tired now. I danced through my birthday dancing
sandals. We decorated the deck with flags and Japanese lanterns, and
sprinkled candle grease on the dance floor to make it glide. Shem and
Mrs. Japheth were the orchestra. I had eleven dances with Mrs. Shem,
and only stepped on her feet twice and her dress once. Ham is a rough
dancer. He bumped my partner.—Mrs. Noah wore a new gown. I did not
think it was becoming because it was cut too décolleté. I don’t see
why these old women like to look so young.
Mr. and Mrs. Japheth did one of those new dances. I forget what they call it—something about a turkey. Rather unedifying I thought. If there had been any ministers around, I bet they would have passed resolutions.—We danced the minuet seventy times, and the Sir Roger de Coverley twenty. I was mixed up once in awhile because I hadn’t danced some of those dances for over 300 years.—We didn’t have any Egyptian dances.
“We had our dance tonight”
Remarks:
Had our only real catastrophe today. I’m broken hearted. I’m weeping
now. I took the two unicorns out on deck for exercise. They insisted
on climbing along the gunwale. They liked nothing better. I was afraid
they would fall overboard. They did. It took Ham a long time to stop
the Ark. He forgot which levers to pull. When we got back to the place
where the unicorns fell overboard there was nothing to be seen but
bubbles. The poor dears couldn’t swim. It was the saddest moment in my
life. Shem says it may all be for the best because they were only good
for designs on escutcheons and coats of arms. I take great comfort in
his words, but I am afraid people will always say that unicorns were a
myth. All the flags are at half-mast.—Something is making me scratch.
I notice some red spots on my person.—Took my bath.
SUNDAY. Wireless Report—Shem says there’s no fun using the wireless unless you can talk to somebody.
Remarks:
Services this morning. I am tired of preaching. Wish there had been
some good ministers.—The candles are giving out. Was struck with a
bright idea. Took the two lightning bugs and put them in a wine bottle.
Hung it from the chandelier. Great success.—House-cleaned the aquarium
this afternoon. I can’t see why the white fish don’t get along with the
smoked herring.—Mrs. Noah located that flea.
Remarks:
We played charades tonight. Ham and his wife came as Adam and Eve.
We guessed them in a minute. Japheth put on a suit of my robes, and came
as me. I guessed him by the beard. Mrs. Noah was an Egyptian princess,
who fell in love with some foreigners. I forget her name. Mrs. Japheth
appeared as a Chaldean suffragette. We gave her up until she smashed a
few portholes.
I came disguised with a lantern. Walked around the deck looking for someone. They couldn’t guess me. Then I went up to a looking-glass and shook hands with myself. They couldn’t even guess me after that. Afterwards, Ham said he thought I was Diogenes but I threw him off the scent when I shook hands with myself.
TUESDAY.
Remarks:
Mrs. Ham wants me to give her the feathers of the birds of paradise
if they die.—Ham played a mean trick on me today. While I was on
the bridge he ran up and said somebody wanted me on the telephone. I
was half-way down the ladder before I tumbled.—Mrs. Shem made candy
this afternoon. She gave me a whole pan to myself. I do like that
woman.—Mrs. Noah wishes there were some other women on the Ark to talk
about.—Gave the apple worms a fresh apple.—Caught Ham fishing in the
gold-fish bowl.
Remarks:
Spent the morning tacking a screen around the two spider-webs to keep
the flies from bothering the poor bugs.—Fed the moths the last piece
of brussels carpet today.—Those two sphinxes haven’t eaten a single
thing on the voyage. I’ve read somewhere they only eat mummies.
Remarks:
Nothing happened today.
Remarks:
We’re almost over the equator. Quite warm. Wish we had brought some
electric fans.—That moose of mine has a dandy pair of antlers. I’d
like to have them for a hat-rack.—Yorick scratched up the flower
box. Mrs. Noah never said a word. If one of my animals had done that,
I never would have heard the end of it.—It beats me where all these
kittens are coming from. Put the canaries in the safe.
Remarks:
Made inventory of cargo. All present. It’s a grand sight to see them
all lined up. It’s a wonder I can remember all their names. I do
get mixed on the Latin pronunciation occasionally, but the family
never notice it. Anyway, I can’t see the use of giving a fly such a
high-faluting name as “musca domestica.”—The women folks make a lot
of fuss over the peacocks. They’re too fancy for me. I like something
plain like a hippopotamus.—It might be a good plan to catalogue these
animals while I have them all together. But I’m not a zoölogist. I’m a
shipbuilder and navigator.—My day to eat the egg.—Slipped Mrs. Noah’s
muff into the moths’ den. It ought to make good pasture for them.—Took my bath.
SUNDAY. Wireless Report—Do your Christmas shopping early.
Remarks:
Services.—We’re over India. It’s a shame we are so close to these
interesting places and can’t see them.—Shem says we are nearer the
horizon today than any time on the cruise.—Ham can’t see any use in
hanging up the red and green lights at night. As long as I’m captain
I’m going to run the Ark according to the rules. Who ever heard of an
Ark at sea without lights?—No ice-cream for dinner today. The freezer
is broken.—Mrs. Noah found her muff. She was furious.
MONDAY.
Remarks:
Can’t understand two little birds among my specimens. They roost in
the top of the clock. Every once in awhile they come out and holler
“coo-coo.” I have tried everything to make them eat. They don’t like
bird-seed. Now, I’m tempting them with worms.—Took Mrs. Noah’s boa to
the moths’ den. I was caught. She won’t talk to me now. That woman is
heartless. She wouldn’t care if the dear animals starved to death. I’ll
have to feed them blotting paper.—Repaired the freezer.
Remarks:
We can’t keep the fox terrier away from talking machine.
Remarks:
Had all the creeping things out for exercise. The deck was quite
alive. I have made pets of all the animals on the Ark with the
exception of some of these. Take the St. Vitus dance microbes for
instance—they are entirely too unsympathetic for me. I don’t
care much for the snakes either. They are the things that got
my great-great-great-great-grandmother into trouble. One of the
grasshoppers tried to jump overboard.—Japh, Ham and their wives
sit too late in the smoke room. Those children ought to go to bed
early.—Mrs. Shem says the Noah family eats so much the pigs are
getting thin.—Seven more kittens today.
Remarks:
One of the megatheriums presented her husband with a little,
seventy-five foot daughter. We’re too crowded as it is. Shem and I fed
her a couple of barrels of chloroform, and then threw it overboard. It
will make a fine fossil for some museum.—Mrs. Noah gave a progressive
bridge tonight. I had to go. I don’t see why one can’t sit at the same
table all evening. Still, the moving keeps me awake. Mrs. Shem won a
stamp album, and Ham got a chafing-dish.
Remarks:
Posed again for my picture.—Yorick has eaten all the Spratt’s
biscuits.—Dropped one of the clay pigeons, but did not break
him.—Spent morning whitewashing the chicken coop.—Fourteen more
kittens today.—Passed several floating Verboten signs. We must be
over Germany. Mrs. Ham had to tell us all about her travels in that
country.—There’s a little hundred-footer in the thousand-legger bunk.
Remarks:
Mrs. Japheth made a faux pas this morning. She shouted, “Ship
ahoy.” We all ran to the railing and looked. She insisted she saw
smoke beyond the horizon. If there’s anything to be seen the man on
the lookout ought to see it first.—I spend a good deal of time on the
bridge these days. We are in the path of the liners and I don’t want a
collision. But I guess we won’t sink. We have twelve rats aboard.—Bath.
“Feeding time in the steerage”
Remarks:
One of the bats broke up church. The women crawled under the pews when
we began the chase. Ham smashed a mirror. He’ll have seven years’ bad
luck. I finally hit the bird with a tennis racket, and chased him back
to his cage. I don’t know, but I believe Ham let him out. I had a good
sermon for today, too. I was going to tell the congregation about the
sins of the world. They’ll get that sermon yet.—The cook says we are
running out of provisions. Our water supply is still good.—My day for
the egg.—We’re crossing the Ægean Sea. Mrs. Ham had to tell us about
her last voyage.—Going to have a mock trial tomorrow.
MONDAY.
Remarks:
Had the mock trial tonight. I was arrested on the charge of cruelty
to animals. Mrs. Noah swore out the warrant. Japheth was the cop, and
Ham the prosecuting attorney. Mrs. Noah was the first witness. She
told the court I made the bats sleep upside down, that I wouldn’t
let the mock turtles mock, and that I put sawdust in the bran I fed
the megatherium cubieri. Mrs. Ham then took the stand and declared I
never opened the sardine cans before I fed them to the whales, that
I threw my sandle-jack at the cats, and knocked the stuffin’ out of
the teddybears. Mrs. Japheth testified I put the chameleon on the
crazy-quilt, and that I never cleaned the leopards. Of course, I didn’t
do any of these things, but I do wish I had taken a punch at Yorick.
Mrs. Shem was my witness. She said I had been a member of the S. P. C. A. from infancy, that I was a couple of pillars of the temple, that I had done my best to make the bats roost like a regular chicken, and that she had frequently seen me trying to clean the spots off the leopards with benzine. Shem was my lawyer. He declared the accusations were pure blackmail, and that I was too young to be so cruel. The first witness, he said, showed her incompetence by pronouncing “megatherium cubieri,” “megatherium cubieri” and not “megatherium cubieri.” The other witnesses were all in the pay of the animal trust, according to my attorney, and as far as the chameleon charge was concerned he produced evidence to show the bugs like nothing better than a crazy-quilt to display their talents. In ending his speech, Shem said I was the greatest animal keeper who ever lived, and that it would be a blot on ancient history should I be convicted. I was unanimously acquitted by the jury.
Remarks:
Spent morning in the monkey fo’csle. I’d hate to think I was a
descendant of theirs. I once asked grandpa about that story. He said
he had talked it over with his grandmother. She told him grandpa Adam
often declared the fabrication to be a deliberate lie.—I don’t know
what to do with the Ark after we land. Perhaps I can sell it to some
curiosity or second-hand dealer.—The crane stood on his other leg
today.—I felt sorry for the bugs in the hold, so I put an ark light
down there.
Remarks:
Christmas must be coming. Mrs. Noah has stopped complaining. She says
I am looking so young. Mrs. Ham warmed my slippers tonight. Ham is
really working.—A litter of pigs came aboard. Pigs is pigs. Anyway,
they are more practical than kittens. It’s against my principles to eat
pork, so we are going to make them into sausage.—Ham hopes the oysters
have little ones. He says he would enjoy a good oyster-stew.—Put on
my diver’s suit this afternoon, and went overboard to see if my two
barnacles were still on the keel. They were.
“Went overboard
to see if my two
barnacles were
still on the keel”
Remarks:
The night before Christmas. Everybody hung their stockings before the
fireplace. Ham wanted me to play Santa, and climb down the funnel. I
knew if I did he would pile on more coal. The family couldn’t do enough
for me tonight.—I finally decided to play Santa Claus. Dressed up like
a real toy-store Kriss Kringle. We had a jolly good time in the cabin.
Decorated the tree, and hung some mistletoe from the chandelier. I
caught Mrs. Shem several times. Mrs. Noah had to get jealous, and sat
under it.
I don’t think they would have known who I was if my beard had not caught fire. Everybody lost their heads. The girls fainted. The boys ran for the fire buckets. I finally got a fire-extinguisher going, but the thing was so old-fashioned several inches of whiskers were burned before I put out the flames.
“Several inches of whiskers were burned”
Remarks:
Christmas—peace on earth, good will to men. Up early to see what
was in my stocking. We had a family gathering in the saloon this
morning. Received the most original presents. Mrs. Ham gave me some
cigars (haven’t smoked any yet) and a pink lounging jacket. The family
gave me: handkerchiefs, a stick pin, Christmas cards, another red
tie, slippers, a knitted shirt, and a pair of skates. Ham gave me
subscriptions to several magazines. I gave Mrs. Noah a handsome pair
of anklets, and a cut-glass salad bowl. Gave Japheth his first razor.
He’s only 82 and hasn’t much of a beard. I gave the ladies the regular
Christmas presents.
When I was a child I enjoyed Christmas more than I do now. It’s too expensive for a man with a family as large as mine. People do give such inappropriate presents. I never looked well in a red necktie.—Had a real plum-pudding for dinner, but I think the plums were prunes.—Oh! yes, I did not get my egg today. They made eggnog out of it.—We opened a barrel of candy.—I’m glad the day is over.
SATURDAY.
Remarks:
Lit a Christmas cigar. I never heard one spatter as much when it hit
the water. The slippers pinch my feet.—Yorick walked in my way today.
I gave him a kick. Mrs. Noah saw me. She jawed me and said I had to
stop kicking her pet around.—Mrs. Ham complained to the captain that
Mrs. Shem and Mrs. Japheth keep taking her steamer chair. I told her
she would have to see the deck steward about it.—I wish Ham would work
more and draw less.—Took my bath.
Remarks:
I would like to see a newspaper.—Those two Texas steers are mighty
interesting. Just to think what a big trust their descendants
will figure in.—The poor guineapigs caught their tails in the
machinery today. Now, they will have to go through the generations
tailless.—Tried to smoke another Christmas cigar while promenading
the deck with Mrs. Noah. How we men do suffer for our wives’ sake.
Accidentally dropped it overboard.—We’re sailing up the Jordan River.
Of course, Mrs. Ham told us all about her last trip. That woman has
travelled a bit, and continually says, “When I was here the last time,”
or “When I was here before.” It is vulgar to talk like that. These old
travellers are pests.—Hurrah! the prunes are all gone.
WASHDAY.
Remarks:
Brought one of the Balaam trick donkeys on deck. Ham had a terrible
tumble. They wanted me to ride him, but I thought it would be
undignified.—Band concert tonight. I was the audience. The music
caused such a disturbance down in the hold that the band had to quit.
I never was so grateful to those animals before.—We’re going about ¼
of a knot an hour. I wonder if an ark ever will be built to go as fast
as one knot.—There’s another little rattle in the rattlers’ box.—Ham
took our pictures today.
Remarks:
Stopped all last night on account of a fog. I’m not taking any chances
with the Ark.—Gave the elephants an extra peanut today. Japheth raised
Cain with me. He’s a regular Scotchman.—This afternoon we took Jumbo
out, and gave the ladies a ride. It looked like a circus parade. Wish
I had a motion picture of it.—We also had the races on deck. The boys
ran a marathon. I lost interest—too long. Afterwards I won the potato race.
THURSDAY. December 31, b.c. 2349.
Remarks:
It’s tomorrow now. We all sat around watching the old year out, and
the new year in. At eight bells—midnight—the Ark whistles began to
blow. The family jumped up on the tables, waved flags and blew horns.
Shem opened a bottle of wine.—This is pretty late for me to be up,
but I like a party once in awhile. I haven’t had one since the Ark was
christened.
Remarks:
Wished everybody a happy yom kippur.—Am going to turn over some new
leaves today. Resolved to stop allowing Mrs. Noah to run the Ark,
to abandon wine, and swear off swearing. I am also going to keep a
diary.—We had some fine stewed rabbit for supper.—Received a few New
Year cards.—I am glad I have resolved to abstain from wine. In this
antiquity there is little comfort in becoming inebriated. And, then, I
don’t like that feeling I have in my head the morning after. It would
be a blessing to humanity if someone would invent a remedy for that
pain. I use a towel and ice water. Yes, I’m going to stop, and set a
good example to my offspring.
SATURDAY.
Remarks:
The iguanodon bernissartensis laid an egg. We thought the Ark had run
aground when she cackled. The crew and I rolled it on the scales, but
it was too heavy to weigh. Ham wanted his mother to make an omelet. I
decided, however, to throw it overboard for fear the thing might hatch.
It made a fine big splash.—Passed a school of drowned fish.—Cut
myself this morning while shaving. I’m going to purchase a safety razor
as soon as I get into port.—Passed over Paris. Poor girls.
Remarks:
Entertainment tonight. Pretty dull affair except for my number which
was the feature of the evening. Brought up one of the lions, and made
him go through all his stunts—jump through rings, growl at me, etc.
Then I had the seals. They are very slippery for trainers, but I made
them juggle a flaming torch and balance balls on their noses. Did a lot
of other circus tricks, too. Ended my performance with a grand display
of the elephant. Let him carry me about, walk over me, and stand on a
wash-tub and beg. I do love to crack that whip.—Mrs. Ham gave a lyre
solo. She struck several false notes.—Mrs. Japheth sang “Auld Lang
Syne.”—Ham did a hornpipe.—Shem recited a poem which he dedicated to
me. It was so full of sentiment I’m going to learn it by heart even if
I’m not much of a hand at poetry.—Mrs. Noah took up a collection for
the wives of the seamen.—I don’t like these ship entertainments. I’d
rather see a musical comedy with a good-looking choir any day.
“My number was the feature of the evening”
Remarks:
Today Mrs. Ham told us about a steamer where they had a daily
newspaper. I decided to publish one. Made Shem the editor-in-chief,
Japheth the printer, Mrs. Ham the society editor, and Ham the
cartoonist. First copy is to come from press tomorrow.—We have another
camel and a wee ichthyosaurus burgundii.—One of the crickets has a
sore chirp.
Remarks:
First edition of our paper came out today. We call it the Diluvian
Times. Price ½ shekel. Sold seven copies. Ham had a cartoon in it of
Shem. It was the funniest thing I ever saw.—Played solitaire tonight
to kill time.—The mock turtles have a baby mock turtle.—Am glad our
paper is such a success.
FRIDAY.
Remarks:
The Diluvian Times was again for sale at the news-stand. Ham’s
cartoon of Mrs. Noah made me roar. That boy certainly is clever with
his chisel. Mrs. Noah was greatly offended. I don’t see why.—Twins
arrived at the oyster headquarters.—Twelve more kittens today.—The
German eagle and the British lion are always growling at each
other.—Tonight I sat around reading the paper.
SATURDAY.
Remarks:
Ham’s cartoon of Japheth was capital in today’s Diluvian Times. I
laugh every time I think of it.—The flies are becoming a nuisance.
They have occupied all the fly-paper. I love my two pet flies, but I
don’t like their descendants.—Another rhino today. I boxed up the storks.
Remarks:
There wasn’t a yesterday. We reached the spot in the ocean where we
captains have to forget a day. I don’t know where the 24 hours go. If I
were a younger man I would organize an expedition to come out here and
try to find them. Pushed all the sun-dials a whole day ahead.—There’s
a cartoon of me in today’s Diluvian Times. That impertinent Ham
did it. I didn’t see anything funny in it. Some people always spoil everything.
TUESDAY.
Remarks:
No Diluvian Times today. I prohibited the publication.—Spent the
morning explaining the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8 bells to Mrs. Noah
and my daughters-in-law. They were very thick-headed.—Mrs. Noah broke
her curling iron today. I made her another out of a piece of pipe.—The
premium on my life insurance came due today. It was the first time in
479 years I’ve let it lapse.—We have a little Yorick. Mrs. Noah makes
a lot of fuss over the puppy.
Remarks:
Roof began to crack.—We let the microbes play in the smoke room
this morning. Had quite a time getting them back in their respective
cages.—That boy Shem is clever. He is a great comfort to me. He is
fond of astronomy. It may come in handy after the fortieth. He’s
fond of animals, too. He taught the rabbits to sit up on their hind
legs.—One of the lap dogs has the colic.
The Engine Room
Remarks:
The elephant walked on my corn. By Jove, it did hurt. I wouldn’t have
minded it if he had stepped on my other foot, but—oh!—that corn.—The
alligators were homesick today. Ham painted some swamp scenery for
them. That is about the first useful thing he has done on the whole
trip.—My back tooth still hurts and we’re a long way from a good
dentist. Tried the hot-water bag, seven poultices, and Mrs. Ham’s faith
cure. Still it throbs.
Remarks:
Made up my mind I would get rid of that tooth. Thought of a fine
home-made-dentist plan to pull it. Tied one end of a string to the
tooth and the other to the handle of my stateroom door. I wanted
somebody to open the door, and then the tooth would fly out. Sat there
all day, but no one came in. Tonight I opened the door and found some
practical joker had tacked up a “no admittance” sign. I’ll bet it was Ham.
Remarks:
Pulled that tooth today sailor fashion. Tied the other end of the
string to the anchor, and hung on to the mast while Shem threw it
overboard. Thought it would pull the mast up by the roots. I don’t care,
I have fifteen teeth left, but it just dawned on me—I lost that anchor.
Remarks:
100th day of voyage.—Services. I preached about the dangers young
people encounter in large cities. Hope the congregation remember my
warnings.—Tonight I overheard the officers talking. Ham said there was
not much fun working for the governor as I didn’t pay him anything.
He wanted to know how he could bring up a family on those wages. Shem
took my part and said I might leave him something in my will. Japheth
reminded Ham his expenses were next to nothing, and that he had plenty
to eat. He thought the Noah boys ought to make a fortune after we land
because labor will be so cheap.
Ham said he was going in for politics, and then he would be sure of his fortune. Japheth said he would like to start a bank. Shem declared he only would succeed as a professor in some college.—My, I wish one of my sons would be a lawyer or a doctor. It gives distinction to the family. I’m glad I haven’t any daughters. All a woman thinks about is getting married, and I’d have a hard time finding good husbands for them.
MONDAY.
Remarks:
Mrs. Shem and I beat Japheth and Mrs. Japheth at deck shuffleboard.
Score 100 to 97. Mrs. Ham and Shem challenged us. I like to play that
game. It’s fun pushing those stone checkers along the deck.—The boa
constrictor peeled himself today.—Mrs. Ham wants the tiger skins to
make rugs. I told her she could have them if the animals died, but I’m
not going to let them die.—Engineer complains the crows are all the
time in the engine room. He’s afraid they will get mixed up in the
machinery. Hunted around the Ark and found some old clothes and ordered
him to make a scarecrow.
Remarks:
Ham is positively useless as an engineer. During the second watch I
saw a snag ahead. I signalled “stop” to the engineer. Ham came up from
the engine room and wanted to know why. We hit that snag. I’ll never
let him engineer me through another flood.—Exercised the lobsters.
Something must be wrong with their differential gears. They only walk
backwards.—Hoisted the sails to help the coal.
WEDNESDAY.
Remarks:
Shem and Mrs. Ham beat Mrs. Shem and me at shuffleboard today. Score
100 to 23. They did not play fair. They always waited till the Ark was
steady before they shuffled. Broke my monocle while playing.—A little
mammoth came aboard. Boxed up the storks again.—After tea the ladies
patched the sails.—The male missing-link is down with the gout. Spent
evening looking at the family album.