SCIENCE STUDENTS.
SO FOND OF ASTRONOMY, THAT THEY ARE ALWAYS ON THE BALCONY, LOOKING FOR THE COMET!
A SPECIMEN OF PLUCK.
Ruggles. "HOLD HARD, MASTER GEORGE. IT'S TOO WIDE, AND UNCOMMON DEEP!"
Master George. "ALL RIGHT, RUGGLES! WE CAN BOTH SWIM!"
A FACT.
Short-sighted Officer. "SERGEANT! GET THAT MAN'S HAIR CUT IMMEDIATELY!"
MATTER OF OPINION.
Miss Matilda. "GO ON, FIDO!—THERE'S ONE GREAT DRAWBACK TO THESE HATS—THEY MAKE ONE LOOK LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE." (Ahem!)
OUR LITTLE FRIEND TOM NODDY DETERMINES TO HAVE A DAY'S HUNTING IN A FRESH COUNTRY.
T. N. (loq.). "WELL NOW, OLD FELLOW, WHAT SORT O' COUNTRY IS IT WHERE WE ARE GOING TO-MORROW?"
His Friend. "OH, BEAUTIFUL!—VERY EASY. BIGGISH BULLFINCHERS WITH A DITCH ON ONE SIDE. TIMBER OF COURSE, SUCH AS POSTS AND RAILS, AND THAT SORT OF THING; AND IF WE GO TO MUDBURY, NOTHING BUT RAZOR-BACKED BANKS AND—WATER!"
THE SWIMMERS.
Georgina. "NOW, CLARA, THAT'S NOT FAIR—YOU KNOW YOU HAVE ONE FOOT ON THE GROUND."
FRENCH AS IT IS SPOKEN.
Scene. Paris, a Table d'Hôte.—Old Lady at Breakfast.—The Garçon has been ordered to bring some fruit to Old Lady.
Garçon. "VOILÀ, MADAME!—Old Lady (who, in her Daughter's absence, will let off her French.) "OH! TRES BYANG, TRES BYANG, GARÇON; BONG! MARECEY, MARECEY, MAIS—THESE ARE CURRANTS—BYANG NAMPORT! CET EGAL—ONLY—JE N'AIME PAS SO WELL AS GOOSEBERRIES, YOU KNOW!"
[Instructive rather!
A GOOD CATCH.
FLY-FISHING. A NICE RIPPLE ON THE WATER.—"NOW FOR A BIG ONE!"
FELLOW FEELING.
Cabby. "NOT GOT NO MONEY?—NEVER MIND, SIR,—JUMP IN! I CAN'T STAND SUCH AN OSSEY-LOOKING GENT AS YOU TO GO ABOUT A-WALKING!"
THE FARM-YARD.
Country Friend (to London Friend who is dressed within an inch of his life). "THERE, MY BOY—COME AND SEE THIS LOVELY PIG, AND THEN WE'LL GO AND LOOK AT THE REST OF THE STOCK."
DELICATE WAY OF PUTTING IT.
Tailor (measuring). "TRIFLE WIDER ROUND THE CHEST, SIR, THAN YOU WAS."
TABLE-TURNING EXPERIMENT AT GREENWICH.
"THERE, OLD FELLA! HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED IT GOES ROUND NOW."
"OH YESH! THERE'S NO MISTAKE!"
A COOL REQUEST.
Boy. "I SAY, SIR—HEAVE US UP TO HAVE A LOOK AT THEM PICTURES!"
OFFENDED DIGNITY.
Small Boy (to Ex-Cook, who has come about a place). "IS THERE A FOOTMAN KEP? WHY, O' COURSE THERE IS—I'M THE FOOTMAN!"
A HINT TO THE ENTERPRISING.
Boy. "HERE YOU ARE, SIR. BLACK YER BOOTS, AND TAKE YER LIKENESS, FOR THE SMALL CHARGE OF THREEPENCE!"
THE ROYAL KNICKERBOCKER ARCHERS.
INVASION, INDEED! WHY, HERE IS A CORPS OF VOLUNTEERS, WHO HAVE NEVER EVEN BEEN THOUGHT OF—WHAT WITH THE GLANCES AND THE ARROWS THEY WOULD SHOOT, AN ENEMY WOULD BE WORRIED TO DEATH IN NO TIME!
SERVANTGALISM.—No. XI.
Mistress. "NOT GOING TO REMAIN IN A SITUATION ANY LONGER! WHY, YOU FOOLISH THINGS, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, THEN?"
Eliza. "WHY, MA'AM, YOU SEE OUR FORTUNE-TELLER SAY THAT TWO YOUNG NOBLEMEN IS A-GOING TO MARRY US—SO THERE'S NO CALL TO REMAIN IN NO SITUATIONS NO MORE!"
A MONSTROUS LIBERTY.
Flunkey. "HALLO, WILLIAM, WHAT'S THE MATTER?"
Groom. "MATTER?—WHY, I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT NEXT?—HERE'S MASTER, WITHOUT SAYING NOTHUN TO ME, 'AS BIN AND LENT MY 'OSS TO A FRIEND—AND I'M DONE OUT OF MY AFTERNOON'S RIDE!"
SERVANTGALISM.—No. XII.
Mistress. "I THINK, COOK, WE MUST PART THIS DAY MONTH."
Cook (in astonishment). "WHY, MA'AM? I AM SURE I'VE LET YOU HAVE YOUR OWN WAY IN 'MOST EVERYTHINK!"
FRIENDLY SYMPATHY.
First Party (who is hard hit, and sentimental). "THIS IS THE VERY SPOT WHERE I LAST SAW THE DARLING CREATURE. I ASSURE YOU, FRANK, SHE IS THE LOVELIEST, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, THE—THE—TH'—IN FACT——"
Second Party (who has heard the same thing for the last two hours). "H'M! HA! DESSAY! YES. I SAY, OLD FELLAH, HAVE A WEED!"
MEN OF TASTE.
Alphonso. "YOU FIND YOUR MOOSTARCHERS A GREAT COMFORT, DON'T YOU, TOM?"
Tom. "WELL!—YES!—BUT I'M AFRAID I MUST CUT 'EM, FOR ONE'S OBLIGED TO DRESS SO DEUCED EXPENSIVE TO MAKE EVERYTHING ACCORD!"
CAUTION TO GENTLEMEN WALKING TO EVENING PARTIES.
DON'T FORGET TO TAKE OFF YOUR GOLOSHES AND TURN DOWN YOUR TROUSERS BEFORE ENTERING THE ROOM.
A DAY AT THE CAMP.
Sentinel. "WHO COMES THERE?"
Ebriosus. "FRIEND!"
Sentinel. "ADVANCE, FRIEND!"
Ebriosus. "ADVANSH; COME, THATSH A GOOD UN!"
RUSTIC PLEASANTRY.
Gent. on Horseback. "GET OUT OF THE WAY, BOY!—GET OUT OF THE WAY!—MY HORSE DON'T LIKE DONKEYS!"
Boy. "DOAN'T HE?—THEN WHY DOAN'T HE KICK THEE ORF?"
MUCH TOO CURIOUS.
Officious Little Gent. "HOLLO, CABBY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOUR 'ORSE?"
Cabby. "WELL—THAT'S JUST WHAT I DON'T KNOW, AND I BRED HIM. YOU'RE ALWAYS WANTING TO BE BEHIND THE SCENES, YOU ARE! SUPPOSE YOU GET INSIDE AND SEE!"
THE PLEASURE OF LE SPORT.
Foreigner of Distinction (about to charge an obstacle). "TAKE NOTICE, MES AMIS! ZAT I LEAVE EVERY SING TO MY VIFE!"
A JUDGE BY APPEARANCE.
Bathing Guide. "BLESS 'IS 'ART! I KNOW'D HE'D TAKE TO IT KINDLY—BY THE WERRY LOOKS ON 'IM!"
A VERY NATURAL MISTAKE.
Young Lady (who is in Hat and Coat of the Period). "CAN I HAVE A MACHINE NOW?"
Bathing Woman. "NOT HERE, SIR!—GENTLEMEN'S BATHING A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN!"
COMMON OBJECTS AT THE SEA-SIDE.
"OH! LOOK HERE, MA! I'VE CAUGHT A FISH JUST LIKE THOSE THINGAMIES IN MY BED AT OUR LODGINGS!"
IRISH LAKE-FISHING.
Mr. Briggs. "BUT THE BOAT SEEMS VERY LEAKY, AND TO WANT MENDING A GOOD DEAL."
Boatman. "WANT MENDIN' IS IT? OH, NIVER FEAR! SHURE THE BOAT'S WELL ENOUGH. IF YE SIT STILL, AND DON'T COFF OR SNAZE, SHE'LL CARRY YE PRETTY WELL!"
LAST REFUGE OF A BANISHED SMOKER.
First Juvenile Swell. "JUMP IN, OLD FELLAH!"
Second Ditto. "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"
First Ditto. "OH! NOWHERE! I'VE ONLY HIRED HIM TO HAVE SOMEWHERE TO SMOKE!"
AN EAST WIND JOKE.
Brown. "AH, TOMKINS! HERE'S A MERRY SPRING TO YOU!"
Tomkins. "THE SAME TO YOU, BROWN, AND MANY OF THEM, IF YOU COME TO THAT!"
NOT VERY LIKELY.
THE PARTY "WHO HAS A CERTAINTY" FOR THE EMPEROR'S PLATE. N.B. SEND EIGHTEEN POSTAGE STAMPS.
CENSORS.
Master Sparrow. "LOOK THERE, TOM! YOUNG FRED IS ASLEEP!"
Master Sprat. "YES! POOR LITTLE BEGGAR! WHAT A SHAME IT IS TO KEEP SUCH A MERE CHILD AS THAT UP SO LATE!"
NOTHING LIKE HORSE EXERCISE.
"NOW, AUNT! TOUCH HIM WITH YOUR LEFT HEEL, AND LET'S HAVE A TROT!"
A NEW INDUSTRY.
"WHY, JACK! WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU LOOK DEUCED QUEER!"
"YA-AS! YOU SEE, I'VE GONE INTO BUSINESS. I BUY CLAY PIPES AT A PENNY A-PIECE, AND SMOKE 'EM TILL THEY ARE BLACK, AND THEN SELL 'EM FOR A GUINEA: BUT ITS PRECIOUS HARD WORK, I CAN TELL YOU."
THE NEW FASHION.
First Coster. "WHY, JACK! WHAT'S ALL THAT?"
Second Do. "WELL, I CAN'T SAY! UNLESS ITS FIREWORKS!"
A REAL SOLDIER.
Friend. "MY GOOD ALFRED! WHAT THE DEUCE ARE YOU ABOUT?"
Alfred (in the Fusilier Guards). "WHY, YOU SEE, OLD FELLOW, WE ARE TO HAVE A CORPS OF SCOTCH BAGPIPERS ATTACHED TO THE REGIMENT.—SO I'M TRYING TO ACCOMMODATE MYSELF TO CIRCUMSTANCES, AND GET ACCUSTOMED TO THE NOISE."
FANCY GOES A GREAT WAY.
"OH, HE'S AN 'ANSUM DOG, BUT HE AIN'T HALF SO 'ANSUM AS HIS BROTHER WERE!"
BRUTAL LEVITY.
Jones (who is naturally proud of his first-born). "A LITTLE DARLING, AIN'T HE?"
Bachelor Friend. "H'M, HA! I SEE—YOUNG GORILLA! IS HE REAL OR STUFFED?"
INDOLENCE.
Old Mr. Dibbs. "WHY, GEORGE! YOU NEVER RIDE HERE IN THE AFTERNOON—HOW'S THAT?"
Young Swellington. "NO-O-O. IT LOOKS AS IF ONE HAD SOME OCCUPATION, YOU KNOW, AND COULDN'T WIDE OF A MORNING. I ALWAYS WIDE BEFORE BREAKFAST, BETWEEN ELEVEN AND ONE!"
THE CENSUS.
Head of the Family (filling up the paper). "WELL, MISS PRIMROSE, AS A VISITOR, I MUST PUT YOUR AGE IN! WHAT SHALL WE SAY?"
Miss P. "OH, IT'S BEST TO BE STRAIGHTFORWARD. THE SAME AS DEAR FLORA—TWENTY LAST BIRTHDAY!"
A SUBJECT FOR SYMPATHY.
DISTRESSING POSITION OF CHARLES, WHO DOES NOT FEEL WELL, AND WHO IS KEENLY ALIVE TO THE FACT THAT AMY IS LOOKING AT HIM THROUGH HER OPERA-GLASS.
LITTLE DUCKS.
Georgy. "THERE NOW, CLARA—I CALL IT VERY PEEVISH OF YOU. YOU PROMISED ME, IF I LET YOU GO IN FIRST, THAT YOU WOULDN'T BE LONG, AND I DECLARE YOU HAVE BEEN EXACTLY AN HOUR AND TWENTY MINUTES."
[Pouts.
SOLICITUDE.
Wife. "NOW PROMISE ME ONE THING, ADOLPHUS. YOU WON'T GO FLYING OVER ANY HEDGES OR FIVE-BARRED GATES?"
AN UNCONSCIOUS VICTIM.
FEARFUL PRACTICAL JOKE PLAYED WITH A CHILD'S BALLOON UPON A SWELL.
A HORRID BOY.
Frank. "OH, I SAY, EMILY! AIN'T THE SEA-SIDE JOLLY?"
Emily (who is reading The Corsair to Kate). "I DO NOT KNOW, FRANK, WHAT YOU MEAN BY JOLLY.—IT IS VERY BEAUTIFUL!—IT IS VERY LOVELY!"
Frank. "HAH! AND DON'T IT MAKE YOU ALWAYS READY FOR YOUR GRUB, NEITHER?"
[Exit Young Ladies, very properly disgusted.
VERY ARTFUL CONTRIVANCE.
Clara. "WHY, DEAR ME! WHAT DO YOU WEAR YOUR HAT IN THE WATER FOR?"
Mrs. Walrus. "OH, I ALWAYS WEAR IT WHEN I BATHE; FOR THEN, YOU SEE, DEAR, NO ONE CAN RECOGNISE ME FROM THE BEACH!"
IN A HURRY.
Boy. "NOW THEN, SIR!—THE MORE YOU LOOK THE LESS YOU'LL LOIKE IT!—GET OVER, OR ELSE LET US COME!"
ANGLING DELIGHTS.
ON ARRIVING AT THE BEST PART OF YOUR FISHING, YOU ARE OF COURSE CHARMED TO FIND THAT OLD MUFFINS AND HIS LITTLE BOY HAVE BEEN WHIPPING THE STREAM ALL THE AFTERNOON.
THE BEARD MOVEMENT.
Young Snobley (a regular Lady-killer). "HOW THE GIRLS DO STARE AT ONE'S BEARD! I SUPPOSE THEY THINK I'M A HORFICER JUST COME FROM THE CRIMEAR!"
CONSOLATION.
Young Snobley. "AH, JIM! NOBLE BIRTH MUST BE A GREAT ADVANTAGE TO A COVE."
Jim (one of Nature's nobility). "H'M! P'RAPS!—BUT EGAD! PERSONAL BEAUTY AIN'T A BAD SUBSTITUTE!"
AN UNDESIGNED COINCIDENCE.
TOMKINS RETIRES TO A SECLUDED VILLAGE, THAT HE MAY GROW HIS MOUSTACHES, AND SO CUT OUT HIS ODIOUS RIVAL, JONES. JONES, IT SO HAPPENS, HAS COME TO THE SAME PLACE WITH THE SAME OBJECT.—FRIGHTFUL MEETING!
A LITTLE SHOOTING IN IRELAND.
"NO HIT AGAIN, I'M AFRAID, TIM!"
"O, NIVER MIND, YER 'ONOR! SURE, YE DO IT VERY NIST. THERE'S SOME JINTLEMEN NOW COMES, AND THEY BLAZE AWAY, AND THEY WOWNDES THE POOR BIRRDS IN THE LIGS AND THE WINGS, AND SUCH LIKE; BUT YER 'ONOR! O, YE FIRES, AND FIRES, AND ALWAYS MISSES 'EM CLANE AND CLEVER!"
LITTLE DINNER AT GREENWICH.
Fish Swell. "HERE, WAITAW!—ARE THE WHITEMEN PRETTY GOOD?"
POETRY AND PROSE.
Blanche. "OH, IS THERE NOT, DEAR EMILY, SOMETHING, DELICIOUS ABOUT SPRING?—WE SHALL SOON HAVE ALL THE DEAR LITTLE BIRDS SINGING, AND THE BANKS AND THE GREEN FIELDS COVERED WITH BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS!"
Emily. "OH, YES!—AND WITH IT WILL COME ALL THE NEW BONNET SHAPES FROM PARIS, AND THE LOVELY NEW PATTERNS FOR MORNING DRESSES!"
A HAPPY NOTION.
Johnny. "OH, I SAY, GRANMA! S'POSE YOU PRETEND BEING A LITTLE PONY, AND I RIDE ABOUT ON YOUR BACK ROUND THE SQUARE!"—(N.B. Granma feels the heat a good deal.)
CRICKET.—CAPITAL PRACTICE FOR THE ROUND BOWLING OF THE PERIOD.
QUITE A NEW SENSATION.
Swell (on top of Omnibus). "LOOK HERE, GUS, MY BOY! SUCH A CAPITAL I-DEAW! I RIDE UP AND DOWN FROM BAYSWATER TO THE WHITE CHAPEL AND EAT PERIWINKLES WITH A PIN!"
SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
MASTER OF FOX HOUNDS PUNCH TAKES COMMAND OF HIS FIELD IN DEFENCE OF HIS COUNTRY.
A CAREFUL RIDER.
"A STILE, EH? AHEM! THAT'S A SORT OF THING THAT REQUIRES A GOOD DEAL OF JUDGMENT."
AT ALDERSHOT—A RATHER DIFFICULT MANOEUVRE.
CLARA AND HARRIET, AND THE TWO NICE GIRLS WHO ARE STAYING WITH THEM, LED BY MAMMA, GET INTO COUSIN HERBERT'S HUT AND HAVE LUNCH.
AN EASY MATTER.
Bathing Woman. "TEACH YER TO SWIM? LOR BLESS YER, MY LOVE, WHY, OF COURSE I CAN!"
A COMPLACENT BELIEF.
Old Aunt. "WELL, MY LOVE—SO YOU'VE GOT A HAT LIKE MINE, I SEE."
AT THE SEA-SIDE.
Augustus. "ISN'T IT JOLLY, FRANK, BEING DOWN HERE FOR THE HOLIDAYS?"
Incipient Swell. "H'M! PRETTY WELL FOR THAT. I CONFESS I MISS THE GAIETY OF TOWN."
THE CURRENCY QUESTION; OR, THE STOCK EXCHANGE OUT FOR THE DAY.
Jones. "I SAY, BROWN, THINGS ARE DEUCED BAD IN THE CITY."
Brown. "THEN I'M DEUCED GLAD I'M AT EPSOM!"