HOW JACK MADE THE TURK USEFUL AT BALACLAVA.
British Officer. "HOLLOA, JACK! WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT NOW?"
Jack. "WHY, YER HONOUR—YOU SEE RIDING'S A DEAL PLEASANTER THAN WALKING ABOUT HERE, AND WHEN THIS CHAP'S TIRED—I MOUNTS T'OTHER COVE!"
THE BRITISH FORCES AND THE CRIMEAN WAR.
A TRUMP CARD(IGAN).
THE CHARGE OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE UNDER LORD CARDIGAN AGAINST THE RUSSIAN BATTERIES AT BALACLAVA.
THE BRITISH FORCES AND THE CRIMEAN WAR.
HARD CASE IN THE BALTIC.
A. B. Seaman. "HERE'S A GO, BILL! YER MIGHT KNOCK ME DOWN WITH THE BUTT-END OF A MUSKIT, A'MOST! BLOW'D IF THE GAME AIN'T OVER, AND WE AIN'T HAD NO INNINGS!"
A GRIEVANCE.
"I TELL YER WHAT, BILL! I DON'T HALF LIKE THESE HERE MOUSTARCHERS. THEY DO MOP UP SUCH A LOT OF GROG!"
RELICS OF THE SIEGE.
Ben. "I SAY, JACK!—GIVE US A LIFT DOWN WITH THESE HERE BLOOD-STAINED RUINS FROM SEBASTERPOOL!"
THE BRITISH FORCES AND THE CRIMEAN WAR.
OUR GUARDS.
THEY CAN PLAY; AND, BY JOVE, THEY CAN FIGHT, TOO.
TRAINING-SCHOOL FOR LADIES ABOUT TO APPEAR AT COURT.
THE OPERA.—No. I.
Lizzy. "GOOD GRACIOUS SELINA! LOOK THERE! THERE'S THAT RIDICULOUS LITTLE MAN AGAIN. DID YOU EVER SEE ANYTHING SO ABSURD?"
THE OPERA.—No. II.
Busby. "AH THERE SHE IS, BLESS HER! AND LOOKING THIS WAY TOO. OH! IT'S AS CLEAR AS POSSIBLE SHE HAS TAKEN A FANCY TO ME!"
THE BEST RUN OF THE SEASON.—No. I.
Master (with pumped-out Horse). "CONFOUND THAT RASCALLY BOY! WHERE CAN HE HAVE GOT TO WITH MY SECOND HORSE?"
THE BEST RUN OF THE SEASON.—No. II.
Rascally Boy (with delightfully fresh animal). "OH, DEAR! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL THING! I WONDER WHERE MASTER CAN BE?"
A BLACK INDIGNITY.
Lady of the House. "OH, THOMAS! HAVE THE GOODNESS TO TAKE UP SOME COALS INTO THE NURSERY!"
Thomas. "H'M, MA'AM! IF YOU ASK IT AS A FAVOUR, MA'AM, I DON'T SO MUCH OBJECT; BUT I 'OPE YOU DON'T TAKE ME FOR AN 'OUSEMAID, MA'AM!"
ART-PROGRESS.
Artist(!). "NOW, MUM! TAKE ORF YER 'EAD FOR SIXPENCE, OR YER 'OLE BODY FOR A SHILLIN'!"
FRATERNITY.
Fred. (affectionately taking the arm of his friend HARRY—as he thinks). "OH! DO LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIFUL DIAMONDS. HOW WELL THEY WOULD BECOME YOUR SWEET SISTER!"
Coal-heaver. "COME NOW! WALKER!"
PRIVATE OPINION.
Little Shrimpton. "HAH! THEY MAY LAUGH! BUT I MEAN TO SAY THAT THE BEARD IS A GREAT ORNAMENT, AND GIVES DIGNITY TO THE HUMAN FIGURE!"
THE OLD OLD STORY.
IT WAS IN AUGUST OR SEPTEMBER, WE FORGET WHICH, THAT AMELIA'S SCARF CAUGHT HENRY'S BUTTON, AND NOW—THEY ARE MARRIED. WASN'T IT ODD?
THE BEARD MOVEMENT.
"HOLLO, 'ENERY! IS THAT YOU? WHY I HARDLY KNOW'D YER WITH THAT GREAT BEARD!"
VARIETIES IN HORSE-TAMING.—No. I.
OLD MR. B. HAS FOUND OUT THAT THE OIL OF RHODIUM SYSTEM IS ALL NONSENSE, AND HAS BEEN INITIATED BY MR. RAREY. WHENEVER HE GETS SPILT, AND LOSES HIS HAT (AS HE DID THE VERY LAST DAY OF THE SEASON), HE JUST SAYS TO HIS HORSE, "FETCH IT, OLD BOY!" AND THE THING IS DONE!
VARIETIES IN HORSE-TAMING.—No. II.
OUR DEAR OLD FRIEND BRIGGS—HAVING TAKEN THE RECEIPT FOR HORSE-TAMING FROM THE PAPERS—TRIES SOME EXPERIMENTS UPON AN ANIMAL THAT HE HAS PICKED UP A BARGAIN.
AN INCIDENT OF WEIGHT.
Cabby. "LET YER OUT?—THAT'S A GOOD UN!—NOT AFORE YOU PAYS FOR BREAKING MY SPRINGS!"
ASTOUNDING ANNOUNCEMENT.
Maid. "PLEASE, MA'AM, MR. SKEWER SAYS HE'S A-GOING TO KILL HISSELF THIS WEEK, AND WILL YOU HAVE A JOINT?"
A VERY SHOCKING BOY, INDEED!
Mamma. "NOW, SIR—IF YOU DON'T BEHAVE BETTER, I WILL TELL PAPA OF YOU, AND HE WILL BOX YOUR EARS!"
Shocking Boy. "WELL, THEN, GO! MARCH!! AND SHUT THE DOOR AFTER YOU!!!"
A FADED YOUTH.
Hostess. "NOW, MY DEAR—WILL YOU COME AND DANCE A QUADRILLE?"
Juvenile. "THA-A-NK YOU—IT'S SO MANY YEARS AGO SINCE I DANCED, THAT I WOULD RATHER BE EXCUSED, IF YOU PLEASE. IN FACT, I—AW, I HAVEN'T DANCED SINCE I WAS QUITE A BOY."
IN THE PARK.
First Man (Home for the Holidays). "AWFUL BIT OF GERANIUM THAT, CHARLEY!"
Second Ditto. "YA-AS, I WAS ALWAYS VERY FOND OF FLOWERS—AW—THEY LOOK SO JOLLY INNOCENT!"
IN THE STREETS.
THESE YOUNG GENTLEMEN ARE NOT INDULGING IN THE FILTHY HABIT OF SMOKING.—THEY ARE ONLY CHEWING TOOTHPICKS, THE COMFORTING AND ELEGANT PRACTICE NOW SO MUCH IN VOGUE.
CRINOLINE AGAIN.
Charles. "CONFOUND THE HOOPS, JUST WHEN I WANT TO MAKE MY NEAT SPEECH ABOUT BEING 'NEARER AND DEARER' TOO!"
A HINT TO MAMMAS.
First Nursemaid. "LAWK, MARIER! WHAT A BEE-UTIFLE GOWND!"
Second Do. "MY! JANE! HAIN'T IT?"
They contemplate the Gownd for about a quarter of an hour, and the Children have the full benefit of the delicious North-East Wind.
THE ROUND HAT.
1. WHEN IT IS ALL VERY WELL. 2. WHEN IT IS OBJECTIONABLE. 3. WHEN THE POLICE OUGHT TO INTERFERE.
TAKING IT EASY.
JOHN THOMAS, AS HE APPEARED WHILE HIS MISSUS WAS IN THE BOTANICAL GARDENS. J. T. IS CONSULTING HIS BETTING BOOK. (A POSITIVE FACT.)
PROFESSIONAL DIGNITY.
Lady. "RESIGN YOUR SITUATION! WHY, WHAT'S WRONG NOW, THOMAS? HAVE THEY BEEN WANTING YOU TO EAT SALT BUTTER AGAIN?"
Genteel Footman. "OH, NO, THANK YOU, MA'AM—BUT THE FACT IS, MA'AM—THAT I HAVE HEARD THAT MASTER WERE SEEN LAST WEEK ON THE TOP OF A HOMNIBUS, AND I COULDN'T AFTER THAT REMAIN ANY LONGER IN THE FAMILY!"
NEVER CARRY YOUR GLOVES IN YOUR HAT.
MR. POFFINGTON FLATTERS HIMSELF HE IS CREATING A SENSATION—(Perhaps he is.)
ACADEMIC COSTUME.
Dr. Bear. "PUT ON YOUR GOWN, SIR."
Undergraduate. "GOT IT ON, SIR!"
MORE NOVELTY.
THE MISSES WEASEL THINK CRINOLINE A PREPOSTEROUS AND EXTRAVAGANT INVENTION, AND APPEAR AT MRS. ROUNDABOUT'S PARTY IN A SIMPLE AND ELEGANT ATTIRE.
FROM THE MINING DISTRICTS.
"MARTHA, WAST 'E DONE WI' THE MILK?"
"GEEN IT TO THE SHILD."
"DANG THE SHILD, THEE SHOULD HA' GEEN IT TO TH' BULL PUP!"
A DISTURBER OF PUBLIC PEACE.
Rioter. "I SAY, OLD FELLER, OF COURSE YOU'LL FRATERNISE WITH US, AND COME AND BREAK SOME VINDERS."
Soldier. "OF COURSE I WON'T; BUT I'LL PUNCH YOUR HEAD IF YOU DONT MOVE OFF."
UNLUCKY THIS TIME.
Ingenious Youth. "OH! SUCH A LARK, BILL! I'VE BIN AND FILLED AN OLD COVE'S LETTER-BOX WITH GOOSEBERRY SKINS AND HOYSTER SHELLS,—AND RAPPED LIKE A POSTMAN!"
Old Cove. "HAVE YOU?"
GOOD NEWS.
"WELL, JIM, HAVE YOU HEARD THE LATEST INTELLIGENCE?"
"NO, VAT IS IT?"
"VY, COMMON GARDEN THEAYTER'S TO BE TURNED INTO A HOPERA FOR THE MILLION! AIN'T THAT PRIME?"
RATHER DEEP!
Cousin. "CHARLIE!—JUST FANCY WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING!"
Captain Charlie. "WELL, GEORGIE!"
Cousin. "THAT—THAT—YOU AND I ARE GOING—A—A—TO BE—MARRIED!"
Charlie (with presence of mind). "A—NEVER MIND, GEORGIE,—WE KNOW BETTER—WE ARE NOT SO FOOLISH!"
AMPLE PROTECTION.
Youth. "YOU NEEDN'T BE AFRAID, MA'AM. STAND BEHIND ME!"
JUST LIKE 'EM.
Mamma (staying with newly-married daughter). "MY DEAREST, SWEETEST DARLING! WHAT! CRYING! WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?"
Daughter (with many sobs). "OH, M-M-M-MAMMA DEAR! HERE'S CH-CH-CH-CHARLES SO DREADFULLY UNKIND. HE KNOWS THE H-H-HORSE-TAMING SECRET, AND HE W-W-W-WON'T TELL IT TO ME!"
RIVAL JOCKEYS.
Bill (reads). "'GENTLEMEN RIDERS ALLOWED FIVE POUNDS.'"
Tom. "'ALLOWED FIVE POUNDS!' WHY, I'D RIDE BETTER NOR HE FOR 'ARF A CROWN!"
SYMPTOMS OF HARD READING!
Student. "OH, MARY! HAVE YOU TAKEN UP THE LAMP AND THE CIGARS?"
Mary. "YES, SIR."
Student. "—AND THE WHISKEY, AND THE SUGAR, AND THE LEMON, AND BOILING WATER?"
Mary. "YES, SIR."
Student. "THEN COME, JACK! SUPPOSE WE GO INTO THE STUDY!"
REPELLING FOREIGN INVASION.
PATERFAMILIAS TRIES THE COLD WATER CURE IN A CASE OF ORGAN-GRINDING.
ANOTHER BIT FROM THE MINING DISTRICTS.
First Collier. "SURREY, DUST THEE KNOW THE BISHOP'S COMING TO-MORROW?"
Second Do. "WOT'S THAT?"
First Do. (emphatically). "THE BISHOP!"
Second Do. "OI DON'T KNOW WHAT THEE MEAN'ST, BUT MOY BITCH, ROSE, SHALL PIN HER!"
CANINE.
"BUY A LITTLE DORG, MARM?"
WHERE ARE THE POLICE?
A SKETCH, SHOWING THE DECENT MANNER IN WHICH THE "FORM OF PRAYER" WAS RETAILED ON THE FAST DAY.
COARSE, BUT CHARACTERISTIC.
Cabman (whose temper has been ruffled by Omnibus-man). "YOU!! WHY, YOU HUNGRY LOOKING WAGABUN, YOU LOOK AS IF YOU'D BIN LOCKED UP FOR A MONTH IN A COOK'S SHOP WITH A MUZZLE ON."
THE GREAT BOON.
Superior Being (!). "YOU'LL PLEASE TO OBSERVE, MUM, THAT A DIWORCE IS A MUCH EASIER MATTER THAN IT USED TO BE—SO NONE OF YOUR VIOLENCE!"
A VISION OF THE PAST.
Old Lady. "AH! I WAS JUST SUCH ANOTHER WHEN I WAS HER AGE."
FOLLY AND INNOCENCE.
Charles. "I SAY, CLARA, AIN'T IT JOLLY? I'VE MADE SUCH A CAPITAL BOOK ON THE DERBY!"
Clara. "I AM SURE, CHARLES, I AM DELIGHTED TO HEAR IT. ANY LITERARY PURSUIT MUST BE BETTER THAN THE HORRID PRACTICE YOU WERE GETTING INTO OF BETTING AT RACES!"
IRRESISTIBLE.
John Thomas. "GET AWAY, BOY—GET AWAY, BOY!"
Boy. "SHAN'T! AND IF YER DON'T LET ME RIDE, I'LL SEND THIS 'ERE MUD OVER YER CALVES!"
DRAWING THE LINE.
Plush Adonis. "I SHOULD OBSERVE, MY LADY,—THAT IF YOU ENGAGE ME, I SHOULD REQUIRE TO BE AT LEAST SIX MONTHS IN TOWN, IN A GOOD NEIGHBOURHOOD—AND THAT IF YOU SHOULD AT ANY TIME LIVE NORTH OF THE NEW ROAD, I SHOULD EXPECT FIVE GUINEAS PER ANNUM INCREASE OF SALARY!"
[Fact.
YIELDING TO TEMPTATION.
Mr. Hobble-de-Hoye. "I'M VERY FOND OF 'EM—THERE'S NO ONE LOOKING!—DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULDN'T—I WILL!—YES—I'LL HAVE A PENN'ORTH!"
SERVE HIM RIGHT.
Swell (who, when he is asked to dine at half-past six, thinks it fine to come at half-past eight). "HAW! I'M AFRAID YOU'VE BEEN WAITING DINNAW FOR ME!"
Lady of the House. "OH DEAR, NO! WE HAVE DINED SOME TIME; WILL YOU TAKE SOME TEA?"
A CONSULTATION.
Veterinary Surgeon. "LEGS QUEER, SIR! DO YOU 'ACK 'IM OR 'UNT 'IM?"
Proprietor of Quadruped. "I HUNT HIM SOMETIMES, BUT I MOSTLY USE HIM AS A HACK."
Veterinary Surgeon. "AH, SIR, THAT'S WHERE IT IS. IT AIN'T THE 'UNTING AS 'URTS 'IM, IT'S THE 'AMMER, 'AMMER, 'AMMER ALONG THE 'ARD 'IGH ROAD!"
THE STREET ACROBAT NUISANCE.
UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT HE IS UNOBSERVED, MR. PUDDLE OFFERS HIS HAND AND HEART TO THE OBJECT OF HIS AFFECTIONS.
PHOTOGRAPHIC BEAUTIES.
"I SAY, MISTER, HERE'S ME AND MY MATE WANTS OUR FOTERGRUFFS TOOK; AND MIND, WE WANTS 'EM 'ANSOM, COS THEY'RE TO GIVE TO TWO LADIES."
EQUINE.
Dealer. "THERE! I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO FIND A FAULT WITH HIM!"
Customer. "BUT HE'S GOT SUCH A BEASTLY TAIL!"
Dealer. "BEASTLY TAIL! THERE NEVER WAS A BAD RAT-TAILED 'OSS. WHY, WE GO MILES TO FIND 'EM!"
PLEASING PROSPECT.
Friend from Town. "WELL! AND HOW'S THE MARE?"
Country Friend. "OH! ALL RIGHT, OLD BOY! SHE WILL BE AS FRESH AS PAINT FOR YOU TO-MORROW, FOR SHE HASN'T BEEN HUNTED SINCE THE DAY SHE PUT FRANK RAILER'S SHOULDER OUT!"
WHY NOT?
THE GREAT MOUSTACHE MOVEMENT.—FAIR PLAY FOR THE BAKER.
AN OBJECT OF UNIVERSAL SYMPATHY.
MR. PEEWIT HAS A LITTLE ADDITION TO HIS FAMILY—HE IS OBLIGED TO GET HIS MEALS ANYHOW—
AND—
ABDICATES IN FAVOUR OF THE REAL MASTER OF THE HOUSE.
A HINT TO THE AUTHORITIES.
AN ECONOMICAL MODE OF PUTTING TROOPS INTO WHITE TROUSERS.
DELUSIVE NOTION.
THE YOUNG GENT WHO IS GOING TO MAKE A RAPID FORTUNE BY BETTING.
A SCENE AT A RAILWAY STATION.
Groom. "BEG PARDON, SIR,—BUT WOS YOUR NAME TOMKINS?"
Tomkins. "YES!"
Groom. "IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, MASTER SAYS HE WOS WERRY SORRY AS HE COULDN'T SEND THE FEEATON—BUT, AS HIS YOUNG 'OSS WANTED EXERCISE, HE THOUGHT YOU WOULDN'T MIND RIDIN' OF 'IM."
[TOMKINS bursts into a cold perspiration.
THE UNFITNESS OF THINGS.
Impudent Boy. "I SAY, BILL! COME AND SEE THE CONJURING—HERE'S THIS HERE GAL A GOIN' TO SQUEEZE HERSELF INTO THAT THERE BROOM!"
PLEASANT FOR "CHARLES DEAR."
Married Sister. "OH, CHARLES DEAR! NURSE IS NOT VERY WELL, AND AS I MUST STAY WITH BABY, WOULD YOU TAKE FREDDY AND THE TWO LITTLE ONES FOR A WALK, ONLY CARRY THEM OVER THE CROSSINGS, THAT'S A DEAR!"
TOO MUCH!
Party (who hates bad music in the middle of the night). "WH-A-T!! THE WAITS! CALLED FOR A CHRISTMAS BOX!—STOP A BIT!!"——
[The rest is too terrible.
MARRY ON £300 A-YEAR!
Passer-by (to the Crossing-Sweeper). "WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT?"
Sweeper. "WELL, SIR, I BELIEVE IT'S A KIND OF WEDDING; BUT IT AIN'T LIKELY TO BE AN 'APPY UNION—ONLY TWO BROUGHAMS AND A HACK CAB!"
OFFENDED DIGNITY.
Small Swell (who has just finished a Quadrille). "H'M, THANK GOODNESS, THAT'S OVER! DON'T GIVE ME YOUR BREAD-AND-BUTTER MISSES TO DANCE WITH. I LIKE YOUR GROWN WOMEN OF THE WORLD!"—(N.B. The bread-and-butter Miss has asked him how old he was, and when he went back to School.)
VERY LARGE NOTIONS.
Man of the World. "WHAT RUBBISH ALL THIS IS ABOUT MARRYING ON £300 A-YEAR! WHY, IT AIN'T ENOUGH TO BUY A FELLAH CIGARS!"
AN UNWELCOME VISITOR.
TALK OF A MAD DOG, INDEED!—WHAT'S THAT TO A WET ISLE OF SKYE TERRIER UNDER THE BREAKFAST TABLE ON A HUNTING MORNING, AMONGST THE NICE CLEAN TOPS AND BUCKSKINS?
[A Favourite Lawn Meet—and not a moment to spare.
JUVENILE WISDOM.
Florence. "——AND HOW OLD IS YOUR PONY, FRED?"
Fred. "WELL, I DON'T KNOW, EXACTLY—BUT ROBERT THINKS HE IS ABOUT FOURTEEN YEARS!"
Florence. "OH!—THEN I SUPPOSE HE WILL VERY SOON BE A HORSE!"
SNOWED UP.
POOR FELLOWS! THEY CAN'T GET ANY HUNTING, AND ARE OBLIGED TO PLAY AT SCRATCH CRADLE WITH THEIR COUSINS.
A WEIGHTY MATTER.
Frederic (a very big boy). "THAT'S A NICEISH PONY OF YOURS, CHARLEY.—BY THE BYE, HOW HEAVY ARE YOU?"
Charley. "WELL, WITHIN A POUND OF THREE STONE, I'M SORRY TO SAY."
Frederic. "OH, I CALL THAT A NICE WEIGHT. NOW, I'M OBLIGED TO HAVE VERY EXPENSIVE PONIES, FOR, WITH SADDLE AND BRIDLE, I DON'T RIDE LESS THAN FOUR STONE TWO!"
A GOOD LIVER.
Frank. "I SAY, GRANDPA! HAVEN'T YOU GOT SOME CHAPS COMING TO GRUB WITH YOU TO-DAY?"
Grandpa. "EH! WHAT? SOME GENTLEMEN ARE COMING TO DINE WITH ME TO-DAY, SIR, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN!"
Frank. "HAH! SAME THING! WELL, LOOK HERE! YOUR COOK ISN'T A GREAT HAND AT A SALAD—NOW THAT'S A THING I FLATTER MYSELF I UNDERSTAND BETTER THAN MOST MEN—SO, IF YOU LIKE, I'LL MIX YOU ONE!"
THE OLD FOXHUNTER.
Flora. "WELL, RONALD! AND HOW DO YOU LIKE ROTTEN ROW?"
Ronald. "OH, PRETTY WELL; BUT IT'S RATHER SLOW WORK TO A MAN WHO HAS BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO GO ACROSS COUNTRY AS I HAVE ALL MY LIFE!"
MELANCHOLY.
Lord Eustace (a young Nobleman in love). "TELL ME, THOMPSON, ARE THOSE THE BIRDS?"
Thompson (his confidential Servant). "YES, MY LORD."
Eust. "THEY ARE YOUNG?"
Thomp. "THEY ARE, MY LORD."
Eust. "AND THE WINE?"
Thomp. "LAFITTE—44, MY LORD."
Eust. "YOU HAVE DRAWN THE CURTAINS?"
Thomp. "EVEN SO, MY LORD."
Eust. "AND YOU HAVE PLACED SOME COALS UPON THE FIRE?"
Thomp. "MY LORD, THIS MOMENT I HAVE DONE SO."
Eust. "THEN—THEN—LEAVE ME!!"
[And his Lordship pegs away at the Birds, drinks a Bottle of Claret, and feels all the better.
OUT OF THE FASHION.
"WHY, FWED!—WHAWT'S THE MATTER WITH YOUR LEGS?"
"WHY, YOU SEE, PEG-TOP TROUSERS ARE GETTING SO COMMON, I'M GOING TO GIVE NATURE A CHANCE!"
REMARKABLE OCCURRENCE.
ON THE MORNING AFTER THE DISPENSARY BALL, AS EMILY DEUXTEMPS AND CLARA POLKINGTON WERE SITTING IN THE PLANTATION, WHO SHOULD COME TO THE VERY SPOT BUT CAPTAIN FASTMAN AND YOUNG REGINALD FIPPS!
WHO WILL SERVE THE COUNTRY?
Recruiting Sergeant. "NOW, BRAVE BOYS, WITH THOSE WHISKERS AND SHOULDERS, YOU SHOULD BE WITH US, AND—I'M SURE THE LADIES WOULD EXCUSE YOU!"
SERVANTGALISM;
AND
FINELADYISM.
First Elegant Mamma. "HOW SHOCKING THIS IS!—THE WAY NURSERYMAIDS NEGLECT THE CHILDREN!"
Second Do. "YES, DEAR! AND I DON'T SEE THAT ANYTHING CAN BE DONE. FOR WHAT WITH PARTIES, AND THE TIME ONE NATURALLY DEVOTES TO DRESSING, AND THE NUMEROUS CALLS ONE HAS TO MAKE, ONE CAN'T LOOK AFTER ONE'S OWN CHILDREN, YOU KNOW!"
THE ADVENT OF SPRING.
"THE DEAR GIRLS REALLY MUST HAVE SOME NEW BONNETS, FOR THEY CANNOT POSSIBLY WEAR THOSE NASTY, SHABBY, DIRTY, OLD WINTER THINGS ANY LONGER."
THE VALENTINE.
Little Foot Page. "I SAY, MARIA, WHAT'S A RHYME TO CUPID?"
Maria. "WHY, STUPID RHYMES TO CUPID—DON'T IT, STUPID?"
TASTE.
Shop-girl (who has been expected to possess TENNYSON'S "Miller's Daughter"). "NO, MISS! WE'VE NOT GOT THE MILLER'S BUT HERE'S THE RATCATCHER'S DAUGHTER, JUST PUBLISHED!!"
INSULTING A REFUGEE.
Rude Boy. "OH CRIKEY, BILL, IF 'ERE AIN'T THE GREAT ORANGOUTANG BEEN TO A TAILOR, AND GOT RIGGED OUT AS A SWELL!"
A SKETCH FROM THE STAND AT SCARBORO'.
Fair Equestrian. "OH! I WANT TO RIDE ON THE SANDS WITH THIS LITTLE BOY.—HAVE YOU A HORSE DISENGAGED FOR HIM? ANY BIT OF A PONY THING, YOU KNOW, WILL DO FOR ME!"
A WHOLESOME CONCLUSION.
Lady Crinoline. "YES, LOVE—A VERY PRETTY CHURCH, BUT THE DOOR IS CERTAINLY VERY NARROW!"
INTERESTING GROUP POSED FOR A PHOTOGRAPH
BY A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY.
OLD BOYS.
Old Boy (loq.). "OH, SHE'S A CHARMING GYUIRL, AND, UPON MY SAUL! I THINK SHE LIKES ME AMAZINGLY!"
VERY ALARMING, INDEED.
Professional Man.—"AH! IT'S VERY LUCKY YOU CAME TO ME IN TIME.—YOU SEE, MA'AM, YOU HAVE HAD INFLAMMATION OF THE BRONCHIAL TUBES, WHICH, ACTING UPON THE FLEXOR LONGUS DIGITORUM PEDIS, HAS OCCASIONED AN ABRASION OF THE DIGASTRICUS, OR, AS SOME CALL IT, THE BIVENTER MAXILLÆ INFERIORIS; AND WHICH MIGHT HAVE ENDED IN CONFIRMED DELIRIUM TREMENS, OR EVEN PREMATURE ELEPHANTIASIS. HOWEVER, I DARESAY, &c., &c., &c.
[Old Lady gasps for breath.
POLITENESS AS IN PARIS.
(A Perfidious Misrepresentation, of course.)