[She stops with a little tremor of hesitation.
Serlo.
By Jove, d’you mean it?
Ethel.
[Smiling.] I mean anything you like.
Serlo.
[With a low bow.] Mr. Straw, I beg to announce to you my engagement with Miss Ethel Parker-Jennings.
Jack Straw.
I’m still unconvinced. I’m afraid you’re incorrigibly romantic, my dear, and I’m certain your mamma will be very much annoyed.
Ethel.
Oh, you are too exasperating. I wish I could make you really angry.
Holland runs in.
Holland.
I say, Jack, look out.
Jack Straw.
What’s the matter?
Enter Mrs. Parker-Jennings, much agitated, and Parker-Jennings.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
The game’s up. It’s too late now to do anything.
Holland.
Von Bremer has come again.
Parker-Jennings.
And he’s got some one with him in his motor, who looks suspiciously like a policeman in plain clothes.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
What’s to be done? For ’eaven’s sake, don’t stand there grinning like a Cheshire cat.
Ethel.
[Quickly.] You won’t be arrested?
Holland.
Look here, there’s still time for you to get out.
Enter Vincent.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Well?
Vincent.
Lady Wanley’s talking to him. She’ll detain him as long as she can.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Blessings on her! I’ll forgive ’er everything.
Ethel.
Oh, please go while you have a chance. I couldn’t bear to see you arrested.
Jack Straw.
Why should you care?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Now, look here. You’ve played a nasty trick on me, but you’ve got the cheek of the devil. I don’t want you to get into trouble. I don’t know what there is about you, but I can’t ’elp liking you.
Jack Straw.
Madam, only the importunate presence of your lord and master prevents me from hurling myself at your feet.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, don’t talk stuff. I want to ’elp you to get away.
Jack Straw.
[With a dramatic gesture.] Madam, my mother’s only son has never fled before a foe. I will stay and face the music.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
I’m not thinking of myself now. If there is a scandal I’m rich enough to make people forget it.
Serlo.
I say, old man, you’d better hook it. England’s no place for you just now.
Ethel.
[In an undertone.] If you care for me at all, don’t run this horrible risk.
Jack Straw.
If you were only pressing me to stay this unanimity would be extremely flattering.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
The man’s mad. The man’s as mad as a March ’are. He ought to be shut up in a lunatic asylum.
Jack Straw.
I forget if Napoleon was one of my ancestors, but I feel just like him at this moment. “J’y suis, j’y reste.”
Serlo.
In point of fact it was MacMahon who said that.
Jack Straw.
[With a noble flourish.] I prefer to think it was Napoleon.
Parker-Jennings.
They’re just strolling along.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Then it’s too late. And it’s all got to come out before Florrie Withers.
Vincent.
[From the window.] I say, Lady Wanley is making him look at the roses.
Holland.
She is a brick; she’s gaining every moment she can.
Jack Straw.
By the way, talking about roses, have you had that bunch put in a basket that I cut for Mrs. Withers?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, I should like to take you by the neck and strangle you.
Parker-Jennings.
Look out.
[They all stop for a moment in a state of breathless expectation. Lady Wanley comes in with Mrs. Withers. She gasps as she sees Jack Straw.
Lady Wanley.
Oh, I thought you’d gone.
[She is immediately followed by Adrian von Bremer. Jack Straw goes up to him very cordially.
Jack Straw.
Ah, my dear friend, I’ve been expecting you all the morning.
[They all start. As the scene proceeds there is in every one increasing astonishment and perplexity.
Von Bremer.
I couldn’t come before. I have only just received the answer to my telegram.
Jack Straw.
Have you good news for me?
Von Bremer.
The best. The Emperor agrees to all your wishes.
Jack Straw.
Von Bremer.
His Majesty is all eagerness to see you again. He is expecting a letter from you by every post. [He goes up to Ethel.] Madam, I am commanded by my august master to offer you his most cordial greeting.
Ethel.
Me?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
I don’t know if I’m standing on my ’ead or my ’eels.
Jack Straw.
Then nothing remains but for me to make my declaration in due form. Mrs. Jennings, I have my grandfather’s permission to ask you for your daughter’s hand in marriage.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[Breaking out.] But the man’s an impostor. He’s no more the Archduke Sebastian than I am.
Mrs. Withers.
What do you mean?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, well, if you like you can ’ave it. You were there when it all started. I suppose I got out the wrong side of bed that morning, and when Mrs. Thing-a-magig, the Vicar’s wife, come up to me at the Grand Babylon Hotel, I snubbed her. I’ve been very sorry for it since, and I’ve been punished for it. They knew I was an old snob—like you, Florrie—they thought they’d pay me out. They got one of the waiters from the ’otel to dress up like a gentleman, and they introduced him as the Archduke Sebastian.
Mrs. Withers.
[Pointing to Jack Straw.] That?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Yes, that! He’s a waiter, that’s what he is. And for the last week I’ve been making a perfect fool of myself over ’im.
Von Bremer.
[Much mystified.] But—I don’t understand. I’ve known the Archduke Sebastian since he was born.
Holland.
You’re mistaken. This person and I were in America together. I lived with him for two years. I don’t know his real name, but he passes under that of Jack Straw.
Von Bremer.
But what you say is absurd. I know him as well as my own son.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
D’you mean to say he really is an Archduke?
Von Bremer.
Of course he is. The only mystery is how he turned up here when we’ve been hunting the whole world for the last four years to find him.
Holland.
But are you the Jack Straw who was with me in the States?
Jack Straw.
Yes.
Lady Wanley.
And are you the waiter of the Grand Babylon Hotel?
Jack Straw.
Yes.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
And are you the Archduke Sebastian of Pomerania?
Jack Straw.
Yes.
Serlo.
Well, I’m jiggered.
Jack Straw.
Perhaps you will allow me to explain. Four years ago I fell desperately in love with a lady whose speciality it was to kick higher than any one else in the world. She could kick a man’s tall hat off his head with such grace that I asked her to marry me. My grandfather refused to consent, and the lady was hurried over the frontier. [With a glance at Ethel.] I was a romantic dog myself in those days, and I followed her, only to find that she had already three more or less lawful husbands. The sight of them, and the conviction that her peculiar talent would not greatly add to the felicity of domestic life, cured me of my passion. But the world did seem a bit hollow and empty, and I thought I’d see how it looked from the point of view of a man who had nothing but his wits to live on. After trying it, I tell you frankly that I much prefer living on the revenues which rise from the strength of arm of my ancestors. When you saw me at the Grand Babylon Hotel I was preparing to return to the bosom of my family, but I saw this young lady, and the chance offering, decided to come down here. It was not unnatural that when I was asked to assume a grandiloquent name I should assume my own. Yesterday, when I met Count von Bremer, I begged him to wire to the Emperor, asking for his consent to my marriage with Miss Ethel Jennings.
Von Bremer.
I have only to add that the Emperor, delighted with the prospect of seeing once more his favourite grandson, has gladly given his consent.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
And when I think of all the things I’ve called you these last few hours....
Jack Straw.
They went in at the ear of a waiter, Madam, and slipped out at that of an Archduke.
[He goes up to Ethel.
Jack Straw.
And now it only rests with you to give peace to an aged Emperor, satisfaction to eighty-one Archdukes, and happiness to your unworthy servant.
Ethel.
I am engaged to be married to Lord Serlo.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
What! I know nothing about this.
Jack Straw.
I knew our mamma wouldn’t be pleased.
Ethel.
The fact remains.
Jack Straw.
[Going to Serlo.] Now, my dear friend, you’ve got the chance of a lifetime. It’s quite clear to me that there’s only one course open to you. Take the centre of the stage and renounce the lady with all the moving expressions you can think of.
Serlo.
Look here, old man, I don’t think I quite like the way you keep on pulling my leg.
Jack Straw.
Put a little dignity into it, man.
Serlo.
I may be a blithering ass, but I can see without your tellin’ me that Ethel wouldn’t have had me at any price if she hadn’t wanted to score off you.
Jack Straw.
Oh, how some men throw away their chances! Strike the pathetic note, old man, or you’re done. When you’ve finished there oughtn’t to be a dry eye in the place.
Serlo.
Well, the fact is—it had entirely slipped my memory at the moment, but I had a letter this morning from the lady’s solicitor to remind me—I happen to be engaged to a young woman who can kick a man’s topper off too.
Jack Straw.
By Jove, I wonder if it’s the same one.
Ethel.
Why didn’t you tell me?
Serlo.
Well, you know, it was a bit awk when you—er....
Jack Straw.
Threw yourself at his head.
Ethel.
[To Jack Straw with a smile.] I ought to be very angry with you. You’ve laughed at me all the time. I don’t believe you’ll ever take me seriously. If I really were the romantic creature you say I am, I’d be very dignified and refuse to have anything to do with you at all.
Jack Straw.
But like all women you’re very sensible at heart, and you’ll do nothing of the kind.
Ethel.
It’s not because I’m sensible, but because I suppose you were quite right in what you said just now.
Jack Straw.
Bless you! I’d throw myself down on the floor and implore you to walk on me only I’m convinced you’d take me at my word.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[With enormous satisfaction.] I knew he was an Archduke all the time. You can’t deceive a mother.
Jack Straw.
[With a start.] There’s one thing I must break to you at once. Pomerania is in some ways still a barbarous country. We have a dreadful law that when a member of the royal family marries a foreigner not of royal blood, his wife’s relations are prohibited from entering it.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
I should like to see any one prohibit me from going to see my own daughter.
Jack Straw.
My dear lady, it grieves me infinitely to say it, but no sooner had you crossed our frontier than you would be instantly beheaded.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Truly, sir, a barbarous country.
THE END.
| Typographical errors corrected by the etext transcriber: |
|---|
| I’m so glad that I know you better know=> I’m so glad that I know you better now {pg 70} |
| takes out her handkerchief, rolls it up ball=> takes out her handkerchief, rolls it up into a ball {pg 124} |