Jack Straw comes in, in flannels, looking very cool and comfortable.
Jack Straw.
Hulloa, there you are! I was just hunting around for some one to give me a cigarette.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[Ironically.] I ’ope you ’ad a comfortable breakfast.
Jack Straw.
A 1, thanks. Give me a cigarette, old man?
[Vincent is helping himself to one, and Jack Straw takes the case out of his hand, helps himself, and returns it.
Vincent.
Jack Straw.
Not at all.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[Aggressively.] Well?
Jack Straw.
Jolly party you gave yesterday, Mrs. Jennings. It was a great success, wasn’t it? [Turning to Parker-Jennings.] By the way, what was that port we drank last night?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
No, you don’t, my friend. You may be able to bluff Jennings, but you don’t bluff me.
Jack Straw.
Bluff? Bluff? I flatter myself on my knowledge of English, but I don’t think I’ve ever come across that word.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Haven’t you? Perhaps you ’aven’t come across the word skilly either? But, unless you look out, you’ll know what it is before you want to.
Jack Straw.
You talk in riddles, dear lady. I always think it a fatiguing habit.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, I’ll make myself clear. Don’t you ’ave any fear about that.
Jack Straw.
[Sitting down lazily.] I can’t help feeling the interval between breakfast and luncheon in a country house is one of the most agreeable moments of the day.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
See that there’s no one about, Vincent.
Vincent.
It’s all right, mater.
Jack Straw.
[Looking at him blandly.] You have all the airs of a conspirator in a romantic play, my friend. You only want a false beard and some blue spectacles to make the picture perfect.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Now then, you listen to me, young man.
Jack Straw.
You flatter me, madam.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
We’ve talked it over, my ’usband and me, and we’re no fools, whatever you may think. You richly deserve to be ’anded over to the police.
Jack Straw.
One moment. To which character are you now addressing yourself, to the Archduke Sebastian or the waiter from the Grand Babylon Hotel?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, if you don’t take care, I’ll give you such a box on the ears.
Jack Straw.
You certainly wouldn’t do that to a royal personage, would you? You must be concerned for the moment with Jack Straw.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
It may surprise you, but I ’ave been for the last ’alf hour.
Jack Straw.
I thought your manner had been a little abrupt.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
I was saying that you richly deserved to be ’anded over to the police.
Jack Straw.
There may be two opinions on that question, but we will let it pass.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
But we don’t want a scandal.
Jack Straw.
One has to be so careful in the smart set, doesn’t one?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
And we’re willing to let you go. Your luggage shall be packed, the motor shall take you to the station.
Vincent.
Mother, we shall all have to see him off, or it’ll look so fishy.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, we’ll see him off. Anything to get rid of ’im safely. There’s a train in an hour from now. And I ’ave only one piece of advice to you, and that is, take the chance while you’ve got it.
Jack Straw.
It’s very kind of you, but I’m extremely comfortable here.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
You make me laugh.
Jack Straw.
I always think it hard that it should be so difficult to make people do that when you’re trying to be funny, and so easy when you’re trying to be serious.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
You don’t want me to tell my footman to take you by the scruff of the neck, and....
Jack Straw.
My dear lady, let us keep perfectly calm. It would become neither of us to lose our tempers.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Do you mean to say you won’t go?
Jack Straw.
You put it in such a brutal way. Let us say rather, that I cannot tear myself away from your hospitable roof.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Ha, and how long do you propose to give us the honour of your company?
Jack Straw.
Well, I really haven’t quite made up my mind. I’m proposing to await developments.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Send for the police, Robert. I won’t put up with it.
Vincent.
You know, mother....
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Hold your tongue, Vincent.... [To Jack Straw.] Oh, my friend, I’m sorry for you. Those nice white ’ands of yours will look pretty after they’ve been picking oakum for six months.
Jack Straw.
I had an idea that had been abolished in England.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Jack Straw.
Ah, perhaps it was the treadmill I was thinking of.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Well, Vincent, ’ow much longer are you going to stand there like a stuffed owl?
Jack Straw.
Do my eyes deceive me, or is that a local paper that I see? [He takes it up.] Ah, I surmised that it would have an account of your garden party. Two columns of it, by Jove! You must wish you hadn’t asked so many people. [Reading.] The Duchess of St. Erth, the Marchioness of Mereston, the Marquess of Mereston, Lord and Lady Hollington, Viscount Parnaby—dear me, how smart—Lady Wanley, Mr. and Mrs. Lamberville, the Bishop of Sheffield, and the Honourable Mrs. Spratte.... I say, won’t your humbler friends grind their teeth with envy. But doesn’t it say anything about me? Here it is. [Reading.] “The Archduke Sebastian looked every inch a prince.” I said so. [Reading to himself.] Oh, spare my blushes. [Aloud.] “His Royal Highness enchanted every one by the grace of his bearing and the charm of his Imperial personality.” Blood will tell.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[To Parker-Jennings.] Are you going to stand there and let this man insult me, Robert?
Jack Straw.
[Blandly.] And what do you imagine all these noble and distinguished persons will think when they read in the next number of the local paper that the royal personage whose hand they were so pleased to shake—I did my duty like a hero, didn’t I?—was serving coffee and liqueurs a fortnight ago in the Grand Babylon Hotel?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, be quiet, you....
Jack Straw.
I can hear a titter rising softly in the village, with the doctor and the parson and the solicitor, whom you didn’t ask to your party, and I can hear it increase to a ripple of laughter as the story spreads through Cheshire. I can hear a Homeric peal as it travels from county to county. It’s a great guffaw in Manchester and Liverpool and the cities of the North, and already I hear the deep laughter of Bristol and Portsmouth and the West. And when it reaches London—you know how things go in London, it’s so large that it takes it a little time really to get hold of anything, but when at last it comes, can’t you see the huge city holding its aching sides and bellowing with laughter. But I’ll tell you who won’t see the joke—[taking up the paper and reading]—oh, they’ll laugh very much on the wrong side of their mouths; the Duchess of St. Erth, the Marchioness of Mereston, and my Lady Hollington and my Lord Parnaby, and the Bishop of Sheffield and the Honourable Mrs. Spratte.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, you devil!
Jack Straw.
I can see you flying before the laughter like three tremulous leaves before the wind, and the laughter will pursue you to Paris, where they’ll make little songs about you on the boulevards, and the Riviera, where they’ll sell your photographs on picture postcards. I can see you fleeing across the Atlantic to hide your heads in the immensity of America, and there the Yellow Press, pea-green with frenzy, will pile column of ridicule upon column of invective. Oh, my dear lady, do you think it isn’t worth while to endure six months hard labour to amuse the world so profoundly?
[There is a silence. Parker-Jennings takes out his handkerchief, makes it into a ball and mops his forehead. Vincent, noticing him, does the same. Mrs. Parker-Jennings gives the two a glance, sees what they are doing, takes out her handkerchief, rolls it up into a ball, and slowly mops her forehead.
Parker-Jennings.
It’s no good, Maria; we can’t give him in charge.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Tell me something I don’t know. We’re in the man’s hands, and he knows it.
Jack Straw.
[With an amiable smile.] I thought you would come to see the situation from my point of view.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[Beaten.] What are you going to do?
Jack Straw.
At the present moment, with your permission, I am going to have a small brandy and soda. Ring the bell, Vincent.
Vincent.
Shall I, ma?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[With angry resignation.] Oh, yes, ring it.
Jack Straw.
For your own sake, I warn you to behave with the utmost decorum before the servant.
[A Footman appears.
Parker-Jennings.
Bring his Royal Highness a brandy and soda, James.
Servant.
Very good, sir.
[Exit.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, I wish it would choke you.
Jack Straw.
I’m afraid I can hold out no hope of that.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Now, look here, I’m no fool, Mr. —— I don’t know what to call you....
Jack Straw.
You’ll find it’ll be more convenient to address me as you have always done.
Vincent.
The cheek of it! I can see myself saying sir to a damned waiter.
Jack Straw.
You were assuring me that you were no fool madam.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
You know just as well as we do that the last thing we want is a scandal, and you’ve got us on toast.
Jack Straw.
Well browned on both sides.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
If you’ll go quietly and at once we’ll give you a couple of hundred pounds. There!
Jack Straw.
Oh, this is a blow. To think that any one should be willing to give two hundred pounds to get rid of me! And I’ve always flattered myself that I was such an agreeable guest in a country house.
Vincent.
They have funny tastes in the servants’ hall, I daresay.
Jack Straw.
You have quite a knack of saying clever things, haven’t you?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Well?
Jack Straw.
Madam, nothing will induce me to leave you till I have eradicated the unfortunate impression which I appear to have made on you.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Do you mean to say....
Parker-Jennings.
[Interrupting.] Take care, mother. There’s James.
The Footman enters with brandy and soda and glasses.
Jack Straw.
Be a good fellow, Vincent, and mix it for me, will you?
Vincent.
Jack Straw.
Where do you get your brandy, Mr. Jennings? I like it very much.
Parker-Jennings.
It’s very good of your Royal Highness to say so.
[Exit Footman.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, it’s insufferable.
Enter the Footman to announce.
Footman.
Lady Wanley. Mr. Holland.
[They enter. Exit Footman.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
There you are at last! This is a pretty kettle of fish.
Vincent.
Mother, for heaven’s sake don’t be vulgar.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, I can’t be refined now. If I’m vulgar, I can’t ’elp it.
Holland.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Good heavens, he’s the matter. He won’t go.
Lady Wanley.
What!
Jack Straw.
You know, it makes me feel very uncomfortable to hear you discussing me like this. Wouldn’t you like me to retire?
Parker-Jennings.
We’ve threatened him with the police.
Holland.
Well?
Parker-Jennings.
He just laughs at us.
Vincent.
We’ve even demeaned ourselves by offering him money.
Holland.
Of course he doesn’t want your money.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Well, ’adn’t you better suggest what he does want?
Holland.
Look here, Jack, you’ve made fools of the whole lot of us. Won’t you be a brick and clear out? We really are in a deuce of a scrape.
Jack Straw.
I am always touched by an appeal to my better nature, but in this case I propose to steel myself against your entreaties.
Holland.
Damn you!
Jack Straw.
Don’t lose your temper. You’ll only say something foolish, and I shall score off you.
Holland.
There’s only one thing to do, and that is to turn you out by main force.
Jack Straw.
That, strange as it may seem to you, has already been suggested, but I have explained to dear Mrs. Jennings the inconvenience of that course.
Enter the Footman.
Footman.
Mrs. Withers is in her motor, madam, and wishes to know if you can see her for a moment.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, I can see nobody.
Jack Straw.
I hope you’re not refusing to see her on my account, dear Mrs. Jennings.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[Very affably, before the servant.] Oh no, sir.
Jack Straw.
I wonder if you’d very much mind her coming in. I thought her such a nice woman, I should like to see her again.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, of course, if your Royal Highness wishes it....
Jack Straw.
Thanks so much.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Show ’er in, James.
Footman.
Very good, madam.
[Exit Footman.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
My own ’ouse isn’t my own now. I’m forced to see every one I don’t want to. If there’s any one I can’t bear it’s Fanny Withers. I only asked her yesterday because I thought she’d eat her ’eart out with jealousy. She’s a snob if you like. I don’t know what she wants to come here for at this hour. [To Jack Straw.] Impostor! Impostor!
Jack Straw.
You know, upon my word you’re all very ungrateful. I lent an éclat to your party which has found lasting fame in the columns of the local paper. I chatted cordially with the Duchess of St. Erth, I allowed the Bishop of Sheffield to tell me harrowing stories about the immorality of the very best people, and when Count what’s his name....
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Adrian von Bremer—you might trouble to remember the name of your own Ambassador.
Jack Straw.
And when Count von Bremer came on the scene, and you were all at your wits’ end, I carried the whole thing off in a way which only my native modesty prevents me from describing as superb.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
How he didn’t find you out I don’t know. I was on pins and needles all the time he was here.
Enter the Footman, followed by Mrs. Withers.
Footman.
Mrs. Horton Withers.
[Exit.
Mrs. Withers.
Oh, my dear, I had to pop in just to tell you how beautifully everything went off yesterday.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
I’m glad our party had your approval.
Jack Straw.
How do you do, Mrs. Withers?
Mrs. Withers.
It’s very good of your Royal Highness to remember me.
Jack Straw.
It’s one of the specialities of my profession, you know.
Mrs. Withers.
Are you going to favour us much longer with your presence in the neighbourhood, sir?
Jack Straw.
If Mrs. Jennings will keep me I don’t propose to make an immediate move.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
My house is at your disposal, sir, as long as you choose to honour it.
Jack Straw.
Mrs. Jennings is the most amiable hostess. Don’t you think it would be nice if we took a turn in the garden, Mrs. Jennings? I’m sure Lady Wanley would like you to show her your roses.
Lady Wanley.
Mrs. Jennings was good enough to show them to us yesterday.
Jack Straw.
We have it on good authority that a thing of beauty is a joy for ever. Mr. Jennings will show them to you again to-day.
Parker-Jennings.
I shall be very proud and ’appy to carry out your Royal Highness’s wishes.
[Jack Straw stands at the door for Lady Wanley and Parker-Jennings to go out.
Jack Straw.
[To Vincent.] Won’t you come?
Vincent.
Certainly, sir.
[Mrs. Withers and Vincent go out.
Jack Straw.
I will join you in one moment. By the way, where is your daughter?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
She’s gone for a walk with Lord Serlo.
Jack Straw.
Be so good as to tell her the moment she comes in that I should be very grateful if I could see her.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Jack Straw.
She’ll doubtless be able to tell you that herself after our interview.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
I’m not going to do anything of the kind.
Jack Straw.
You will be so good as to do what I ask, Mrs. Jennings.
[Exit.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
There, you see he actually orders me about now. I’m beginning to think we shall never get rid of him. I feel that he’ll stay on here always. I can see him growing old under this roof, eating my food and drinking my wine, and sending in his tailor’s bills for Jennings to pay. And it’s all your doing.
Holland.
I’m very sorry. I promise you that.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
What’s the good of being sorry? The only thing you can do is to ’elp us to get rid of ’im. And it’s ruined Ethel’s chances with Serlo. He won’t look at her now.
Holland.
Well, I daresay that’s not much loss.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
I’m only thankful she wouldn’t ’ave anything to do with that man when we thought ’e was an Archduke.
Holland.
Do you know, if I were you I’d let her see him. I have an idea that when he’s had a talk with her he’ll be quite willing to go.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
What do you mean by that?
Enter Ethel and Lord Serlo.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[Very affably.] Has Ethel been taking you for a walk, dear Lord Serlo?
Serlo.
Yes, we’ve been for a little stroll, don’t you know.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
I do ’ope she ’asn’t tired you. She’s such a walker, ain’t you, my dear?
Serlo.
My idea of goin’ for a walk is sitting on a gate, don’t you know.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
And a very good idea too. That’s just what I like myself.
Serlo.
[Drily.] Change in the wind to-day, isn’t there?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[Innocently.] Is there? I didn’t notice it.
[Parker-Jennings comes in frantically.
Parker-Jennings.
Maria, he’s cutting all our prize roses for the show and giving them to Fannie Withers.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh!
[She is just going to bolt out when Jack Straw appears with a handful of magnificent roses.
Jack Straw.
I say, you haven’t got a basket, have you?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
You—you—you perfect fool!
Jack Straw.
What have I done now?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
We were going to show those next week at the Crystal Palace.
Jack Straw.
I thought they were very nice. That’s why it struck me Mrs. Withers might like them.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[Snatching them from him.] Oh!
[She flounces out, followed by Parker-Jennings.
Jack Straw.
[Coming into the room calmly.] I’m afraid I haven’t done the right thing.
Serlo.
You’ve put your foot right in it this time, old man.
Jack Straw.
I wish I had that little book of etiquette on me. I wonder if it says anything about prize roses. [To Ethel.] I haven’t had the pleasure of saying good-morning to you yet.
Serlo.
You know, old man, I don’t want to seem disagreeable, but when Miss Jennings and I went for a walk we had some sort of idea that by the time we came back you’d have hooked it, don’t you know.
Jack Straw.
My dear Holland, I wonder if you’d do me the service of telling Mrs. Withers that dear Mrs. Jennings is putting the roses into a basket for her.
Holland.
[Laughing against his will.] It’s not the least use being angry with you, Jack. I’ll go by all means.
[Exit.
Jack Straw.
There goes a man of tact. If I were a Sultan I’d make him my Grand Vizier.
[He looks reflectively, but very pointedly, at Serlo.
Serlo.
What are you starin’ at me for?
Jack Straw.
I was wondering how I could suggest to you with proper delicacy that you might conveniently follow his example.
Ethel.
I should much prefer Lord Serlo to stay here.
Jack Straw.
I have matters of some importance to discuss with you.
Ethel.
I am sure that you have nothing to say that Lord Serlo cannot hear.
Jack Straw.
Very well, I will make an effort to overcome my customary modesty.
Serlo.
I don’t know where that comes in. You’ve got about the biggest cheek that I’ve ever come across.
Jack Straw.
To tell you the truth, it has been my only means of livelihood for the last four years.
Ethel.
What have you to say to me?
Jack Straw.
Couldn’t you give me a slight smile just to encourage me a little?
Ethel.
You force me to say what I would rather have left unsaid. I’m horrified that you should be so hatefully cruel. I think it’s infamous that you should lend yourself to a stupid practical joke.
Jack Straw.
My dear Serlo, won’t you—hook it?
Ethel.
I want him to stay.
Jack Straw.
It makes him feel very uncomfortable. He’s full of tact too—I’ll make him a grand vizier—and he’s feeling awfully de trop.
Serlo.
You needn’t bother about my feelings so much as all that, you know.
Jack Straw.
[To Ethel.] Won’t you hear what I’ve got to say for myself? You don’t think I care twopence about their practical joke? I came here because it was my only chance of seeing you.
Ethel.
What you’ve done fills me with horror and disgust.
Jack Straw.
Didn’t you see from the first minute that I was desperately in love with you?
Serlo.
I say, this really is very awkward for me.
Jack Straw.
You told me not to bother about your feelings.
Ethel.
[Unable to prevent a laugh.] You know, you’re too absurd. I know I ought to be very angry with you, but I can’t.
Jack Straw.
Do you remember what you said to me yesterday?
Ethel.
No.
Jack Straw.
Then I’ll remind you. You asked me to go away—because I was a royal personage. Do you still want me to go if I’m only a waiter?
Ethel.
I might have known that you were laughing at me all the time.
Jack Straw.
You know, if I had been a royal personage and disguised myself as a waiter in order to be by your side you’d have thought it very romantic. Why should it shock you when it is a waiter who for the same reason assumes the royal personage?
Ethel.
If you can’t see the difference it’s useless for me to tell you.
Jack Straw.
Won’t you marry me, Ethel?
Serlo.
I say, I’ve got a good mind to kick you out of the house.
Jack Straw.
Have you? In that case I can only congratulate myself that I’m the champion amateur boxer in Pomerania.
Serlo.
That complicates matters a bit, don’t it?
Jack Straw.
Upon my soul, I’ve never made a proposal of marriage under such embarrassing circumstances. [To Ethel.] Now, my dear, don’t be unreasonable. You practically refused me yesterday because I was an Archduke. You’re not going to refuse me now because I’m nobody in particular?
Ethel.
[Frigidly.] And can you give me any reason why I should accept you?
Jack Straw.
Well, it may have escaped your notice, but there’s the very good reason that you’re just as much in love with me as I am with you.
Ethel.
I?
Jack Straw.
Can you honestly deny it? But if you do I shall venture to disbelieve you.
Ethel.
It’s very easy to convince you. Lord Serlo, you were good enough to tell me yesterday that....