THE EGREGIOUS ENGLISHMAN

[The Scottish Education Department, not satisfied with the pronunciation in vogue beyond the Tweed, has appointed a Liverpool gentleman to instruct the teachers of Scot’and how to speak polite English.]

A plague on yon Depairtment, Jeames!
It maun be aye appearin’
Wi’ sic a host o’ daft-like schemes,
Forever interferin’.
’Tis past a joke when feckless fouk
Awa’ in Lunnon ettle
Wi’ a’ this fuss tae talk tae us,
The Schule Board o’ Kingskettle.
I’ll tell ye hoo it comes tae pass—
The facts are easy stated:
They tak’ inspectors frae a class
No richtly eddicated,
An’ when the fules inspect oor schules,
I’ll swear upon my life, Jeames,
There’s no a man can unnerstan’
The classic tongue o’ Fife, Jeames.
An’ whaur’s the cure? The thing tae dae
Tae pit them on their mettle
Wad be tae raise inspectors tae
The staundard o’ Kingskettle;
But eh! I fear frae what I hear
Thae fouk in Lunnon toun, Jeames,
Are bent the noo on findin’ hoo
To eddicate us doun, Jeames.
For hae ye heard their latest plan?
I canna weel believe it—
Deil tak’ the impidence o’ man
That ever daured conceive it!
They’re sending doun a Southron loon
Frae far across the border
Tae lairn us hoo tae shape oor mou’
An’ set oor tongue in order.
Noo hoo could ony man expec’
We’d thole thae Angliceesms
An’ lairn a furrin’ deealec’
O’ crude proveencialeesms?
Tae think a fule frae Liverpool
Should undertak’ tae settle
The kind o’ way we oucht tae say
Oor wordies in Kingskettle!

CONSCIENCE

U. P. Elder. “The meenister needna’ ’been that haurd en hes discoorse. Theer plenty o’ leears i’ Peebles forbye me!”

Providing for the Future.—The O’Hooligan (to the MacTavish). Faix! but ye seem to be overlapping your quantum to-night, Laird. Has your grandfather jined to the Kensal Greeners?

The MacTavish. That no, sir, but the morrow, gin that nae accident happen, I shall hae the luxury o’ lunching wi’ my bluid cousin, the ex-Baillie o’ Whilknacraigie, a strict temperance mon, wha canna stand whusky. And so I’m joost drinkin’ up to his soda-water beforehand.

“THE BAR-RD OF A-Y-VON!”

Member of the “Northern Shakspeare Society.” “Man, yon Wully Shakspeare maun hae been a maist extr’o’dinary pairson! Theer-r thengs cam’ entil his heid ’at wad never hae com’ ento mine!—NEVER!”

Scottish Waitress. “There’s a laddie doon the stair wa’antin’ tae see ’ye——”

Mossoo. “A lady! Mon Dieu! Say her to give herself the pain to sit down while I arrange my toilet.”

The “lady” in waiting.

PROMPT AND PRACTICAL

Reverend Stranger. “My good man, can you tell me the nearest way to the cathedral?”

Scottish Cabby. “Jist inside the cab here, sir.”