Loch Scrimpy Hotel, N.B.
Dear Maister Punch,—I’ve heerd often enough aboot ye as a kind sort o’ buddy, whae putts the warld richt, when it has gaun wrang, and I’m thinking to write tae ye, a screed about thae feckless critters, the South’ren tourists whae owerrun Auld Scotland at this time o’ the year with their coo-ponds and their excursion tuckets, thinking to tak their pleesures on the cheap. Noo, the hotels in this country are famed for their vera moderate charges. I mysel have had a real good breakfast (they ca’ it dijohnny now) for no more than five shullings—that’s cheap enough. And as for a bed! weel, no one can find faut with half of a sovereign? And yet thae tourists are aye complainin’. Hotel folk in Scotland should have fixed charges throughout. I, for yin, will make free to say that I will cheerfully pay them, when I find it necessary, one pound ten shullin’s for bed and breakfast and maybe half-a-croon for a good glass of the cratur, as a settler afterwards. If the hotel folk would all agree to some moderate charge like that, they could think aboot Culloden with eequanimity!
Yours most friend-like,
Alexander Macwhustle.
Guard (to excited passenger at the Edinburgh Station, just as the train is starting). “Ye’re too late, sir. Ye canna enter.”
Stalwart Aberdonian. “I maun!”
Guard (holding him back). “Ye canna.”
Aberdonian. “Tell ye I maun—I weel!” (Gripping Guard.) “If I maunna, ye sanna!!!”
BY A SPITEFUL COMPETITOR
AT BILKINS’S ROYAL HOTEL (LIMITED), LONDON.
Mac (hungry). “Lo-or-sh keep’s! Ca’ this a br’akfast!!”
AT THE ROB ROY INN, PEEBLES, UNLIMITED!
THE PRINCIPAL REASON WHY MAC STAYED SUCH A SHORT TIME IN LONDON.
CANNY
“Why I dinna prayfair tae smoke, hech? Weel, noo loddie, I’ll joost tell ye. While’s ye’re smoking, ye blaw an’ blaw, an’ whaur is’t? But gin ye tak a guid pench, losh! mon, ye ken et’s there!”
A WEIGHTY REASON
Rab. “They’re tellin’ me that Tam Stirdy’s turned oot a great poet since he gaed tae London.”
Allan. “Poet! Hoo could Tam Stirdy be a poet? Man, he was at the schule wi’ me!”