Young Muddleigh, who has been out buying underwear for his personal use, purchases at the same establishment some flowers for his ladye-love—leaving a note to be enclosed. Imagine Young Muddleigh's horror, on returning to dress, to discover that the underwear had been sent with the note, and the flowers to him! Muddleigh discovered, repeating slowly to himself the contents of the note:—"Please wear these this evening, for my sake!"
"IS IT A FAILURE?"
Mamma (their last unmarried daughter having just accepted an offer). "Well, George, now the girls are all happily settled, I think we may consider ourselves fortunate, and that marriage isn't——"
Papa (a pessimist). "Um—'don't know! Four families to keep 'stead of one!"
SO FRIVOLOUS!
Wife. "Solomon, I have a bone to pick with you."
Solomon (flippantly) "With pleasure, my dear, so long as it's a funny bone!"
"HUSBANDS IN WAITING"
Stout Wife. "I shall never get through here, James. If you were half a man, you would lift me over!"
Husband. "If you were half a woman, my dear, it would be easier!"
"Was he very much cast down after he'd spoken to papa?"
"Yes. Three flights of stairs!"
"SCORED"
Little Wife. "Now, Fred dear, I'm ready."
Lazy Husband. "I'm awfully sorry, dear; but I must stay in, as I'm expecting a friend every minute."
Little Wife (sarcastically). "A friend every minute! Heavens, Fred! What a crowd of friends you'll have by the end of the day!"
DECIDEDLY PLEASANT
Genial Youth. "I say, Gubby, old chap, is this really true about your going to marry my sister Edie?"
Gubbins. "Yes, Tommy. It's all settled. But why do you ask?"
G. Y. "Oh! only because I shall have such a jolly slack time now! You know I've pulled off nearly all her engagements so far, only you're the first one who's been a real stayer!!"
He. "The joke was, both these girls were hopelessly in love with me, and I made them madly jealous of each other."
She. "I wonder you had the face to do it, Mr. Sparkins!"
"WE FELL OUT, MY WIFE AND I"
He. "That's absurd! Do you think I'm as big a fool as I look?"
She. "I think that if you aren't, you have a great deal to be thankful for!"
SUCH AN EXAMPLE
Wife (to husband, who has barked his shins violently against the bed, and is muttering something to himself). "Oh, Jack, how can you! Supposing baby were to hear you!"
She (after they have walked three miles without a word being spoken). "Aw say, John, tha'art very quoiet. Has nowt fur to say?"
He. "What mun aw say? Aw dunno know."
She. "Say that tha loves me."
He. "It's a'reet sayin' aw love thee, but aw dunno loike tellin' loies!"
Partner of his Joys (who has superintended the removal). "Well, dear, you haven't said how you like the new flat!"
(By a Confirmed and Cantankerous Celibate)
Married in white,
You have hooked him all right.
Married in grey,
He will ne'er get away.
Married in black,
He will wish himself back.
Married in red,
He will wish himself dead.
Married in green,
His true colour is seen.
Married in blue,
He will look it, not you.
Married in pearl,
He the distaff will twirl.
Married in yellow,
Poor fellow! Poor fellow!
Married in brown,
Down, down, derry down.
Married in pink,
To a slave he will sink.
Married in crimson,
He'll dangle your whims on.
Married in buff,
He will soon have enough.
Married in scarlet,
Poor victimised varlet!
Married in violet, purple, or puce,
It doesn't much matter, they all mean—the deuce!
A CASE OF GREAT INTEREST AT SOUTH KENSINGTON MUSEUM
STUDY FROM LIFE
A ROMANCE OF ROAST DUCKS
"My darling, will you take a little of the—a—the stuffing?"
"I will, dear, if you do; but if you don't, I won't."
The Real Fall of Man.—Falling in love!
Qualifying a Sweeping Assertion.—Sophie (after hearing about Frank). "I declare I shall not believe a word a man says to me. They're all liars!" Beatrice. "For shame, Sophie!" Sophie (regretfully). "At least all the nice ones are!"
INGRATITUDE
Brown. "Why doesn't Walker stop to speak? Thought he knew you!"
Smith. "Used to; but I introduced him to the girl he married. Neither of them recognises me now!"
Advice to Young Housekeepers.—Put your washing out if you do not wish your husband to be put out.
CONGRUOUS COUPLES.
If there's a well-matched pair in married life
It is a horsey man and nagging wife.
Apt Illustration.—Idealism and Realism: Courtship and Marriage.
Far from it.—The woman who is bent on marrying a man because he is a lion, should remember that it does not necessarily follow that she will become a lioness.
Over-Scrupulous.—"My husband is Vicar of St. Boniface—but I don't attend his church." "Indeed! How is that?" "The fact is, I—I don't approve of married clergymen!"
"Home Rule."—Petticoat government.
CALF-LOVE
Calf-love is a passion most people scorn,
Who've loved, and outlived, life and love's young morn;
But there is a calf-love too common by half,
And that's the love of the Golden Calf!
HE HAD BEEN KICKED OUT ONCE
She. "Wot time be you a-coming round to-night, Jock?"
Jock. "What time does y'r old man put 'is slippers on?"
Mrs. Naggleton's Advice to a Wife.—Defiance, not defence.
Long Odds.—Tall husband and short wife.
Love, thou'rt like yet unlike mutton,
Likewise beef, and veal, and lamb.
Do not answer that the glutton
I bespeak me that I am.
They in price, year after year, are
Rising, thou must needs allow;
Butcher's meat grows ever dearer:
So, and yet not so, dost thou.
For although my annual payment
To my butcher waxeth still,
Less and less each time for raiment,
Wanes thy linendraper's bill.
Thus by thrift expense thou meetest;
Whence thy wisdom doth appear:
Also, that I find thee, sweetest,
Cheaper still and still more dear.
Æsthetics of Dress.—Customer (he has been bidden to a wedding, and can't make up his mind in the matter of trouser patterns, but at last says). "O, there! that'll do, I sh'd think!" Tailor. "Pardon me, sir; if you are going to be 'best man,' the shade is hardly tender enough!"
TURTLE-DOVETAILING
["The latest development of phrenological enterprise is the establishment of a phrenological matrimonial bureau, to secure the introduction of persons desiring to be married to partners with suitable or harmonious phrenological endowments."—Daily Paper.]
Miss Evergreen (who has been introduced to Mr. Slowboy). "Well, it may be a lovely head, but ain't he got a big bump of cautiousness!"
"A nation of shopkeepers!" Well, that old jeer
May fall with small sting on an Englishman's ear,
For 'tis commerce that keeps the world going.
But this kind of shop? By his bâton and hunch,
The thought of it sickens the spirit of Punch,
And sets his cheek angrily glowing.
The Philistines, Puritans, Podsnaps, and Prigs
Of Britain play up some preposterous rigs,
And tax e'en cosmopolite charity.
But here is a business that's not to be borne;
Its mead is the flail and the vial of scorn,
Not chaffing or Christmas hilarity.
The skunk not indigenous, sirs, to our Isle?
The assertion might well bring a cynical smile
To the lips of a critical Yankee.
The vermin is here; he has set up a shop,
And seems doing a prosperous trade, which to stop
Demands more than mere law's hanky-panky.
Poor law's tangled up in long coils of red tape,
She's the butt for each Jeremy Diddler's coarse jape,
Every filthy Paul Pry's ghoulish giggle.
John Bull, my fine fellow, wake up, and determine
To stamp out the lives of the venomous vermin
Who round your home-hearth writhe and wriggle.
'Ware snakes! No, Punch begs the ophidian's pardon!
The slimiest slug in the filthiest garden
Is not so revolting as these are,
These ultra-reptilian rascals, who spy
Round our homes, and, for pay, would, with treacherous eye,
Find flaws in the wife e'en of Cæsar.
Find? Well, if unable to find they will make.
No, the loathliest asp that e'er lurked in the brake
To spring on the passer unwary,
Was not such an anguis in herbâ as this is,
Mean worm, which of all warning rattles and hisses
Is so calculatingly chary.
The spy sets up shop! And what has he for sale?
False evidence meant to weight justice's scale,
Eavesdroppings, astute fabrications,
The figments of vile keyhole varlets, the fudge
Of venal vindictiveness. Faugh! the foul sludge
Reeks rank as the swamp's exhalations.
Paul Pry, with a poison-fang, ready to bite
In the pay of home-hate or political spite,
Is a portent as mean as malignant.
The villain is vermin scarce worthy of steel,
His head should lie crushed 'neath the merciless heel
Of honesty hotly indignant.
THE DIVORCE SHOP
Private Inquiry Agent. "Want a divorce, sir? Certainly, sir,—certainly! Any evidence you may require ready at the shortest possible notice!!"
The Best School of Needlework.—A husband's wardrobe.
A Parting Injunction.—A decree in the Divorce Court.
Simple.—Q. When is a man tied to time? A. When he marries a second.
"Natural Selection."—Choosing a wife.
Small Voice from under the bed. "No, I will not come out! I tell you, once and for all, Bernesia, I will be master in my own house!"
The Best Excuse for a Man Marrying his Deceased Wife's Sister.—Because he will only have one mother-in-law.
(A Drama in two Acts illustrative of the peculiarities of the British Idiom of End-dearment)
Adolphus. Won't it make its adored happy by naming the day then—a playful little puss!
Seraphina. Ah! I suppose it must have its own way—a sad young dog.
Seraphina (with emphasis). O! when mamma comes you will not treat me so—you insolent puppy!
Adolphus (with decided emphasis). Ah! don't talk to me, you cat!!!
Curtain falls.
The Best Settlement for a Rich Wife who Elopes.—A penal one.
COLD SYMPATHY
Friend. "Hullo, old man, what's the matter?"
Gilded Youth. "Just proposed to a girl—been refused. Think I shall blow my brains out!"
Friend. "Congratulate you, old chap!"
Gilded Youth. "What do you mean?"
Friend. "Didn't know you had any!"
QUOD ERAT DEMONSTRANDUM
Gertrude. "But nobody ever dies of a broken heart."
Evelyn. "Oh, but they do. Why, I knew a man who was jilted, and he died almost immediately afterwards."
Gertrude. "Well, if he'd lived he'd have got over it."
1. Not going to sleep after dinner!
2. Never going anywhere in the evening, excepting "to the club!"
3. Always being good-tempered over the loss of a button, and never wreaking his vengeance on the coals if the dinner isn't ready exactly to a minute!
4. Never finding fault with his "dear little wifey," if she happens to be his partner at whist.
5. Not "wondering," regularly every week, "how the money goes!"
6. Resigning himself cheerfully, when asked to accompany his wife on "a little shopping!"
7. Insisting upon the servants sitting up, sooner than take the latchkey with him!!!
1. Never having "a gown to put on," when invited out anywhere.
2. Always being down the first to breakfast! always being dressed in time for dinner! and never keeping the carriage (or the cab) waiting at the door a minute!
3. Not always having "delicate health," about the autumn, and being recommended by her medical man "change of air" immediately!
4. Keeping up her "playing and singing" the same after marriage as before!
5. Giving her husband the best cup of tea!
6. Never making the house uncomfortable by continually "putting it to rights!"—nor filling it choke-full with a number of things it does not want, simply because they are "bargains!"
7. Never alluding, under the strongest provocation, to "the complete sacrifice she has made of herself!"—nor regretting the "two or three good offers," which she (in common with every married woman) had before she was foolish enough to accept him!!—and never, by any accident, calling her husband "a brute!"
All for Money.—Jack Damyan and his wife have just started on their wedding tour. The lady's chief attraction is her income. In this case, Jack's friends call the usual period of seclusion the moneymoon.
THE FOURTEENTH OF FEBRUARY
Comely Housemaid. "None for you, miss."
Daughter of the House. "But—why—who are all those for, then?"
Comely Housemaid. "Me, miss!"
THE BALANCE RESTORED
Mrs. Henry Peek. "Bah! I only married you because I pitied you, when nobody else thought anything about you!"
Mr. Henry Peek (wearily). "Ah, well, my dear, everybody pities me now!"
She "Jests at Scars," etc.—Aunt. "And how's Louisa, my dear? Where is she?" Sarcastic Younger Sister (fancy free). "Oh, pretty well, but she won't be on view these two hours. She's writing to her 'Dear Fred'; at least I fancy I saw her come out of the library with Tupper's Poems and a Dictionary!!!"
An Old-Maidism.—Love is blind, and Hymen is the oculist that generally manages to open his eyes.
"AS MAN'S INGRATITUDE"
"Nonsense, Frank! Can't pay them! Why, before we were married you told me you were well off."
"So I was. But I didn't know it!"
Mr. Guzzle. "Ah, Jinks, I hear you are going to be married. Good thing too. You'll have some one to keep that cook of yours up to the mark. She wants it!"
Mr. Jinks. "Yes. But, you see, it's cook I'm going to marry!"
Enchantress with the nut-brown hair,
Bright genius of the A. B. C.,
Approach, in beauty past compare,
And spell Love's alphabet to me!
Content no more am I each night,
Amid a weird, dyspeptic host,
To order, with a keen delight,
And watch thee bring, the tea and toast.
I covet more transcendent joys;
Be mine, and come where Ocean waits
Instead of thee, and where annoys
No tinkling clash of cups and plates.
There grant to me, beneath the stars,
Not buttered scones, but smiles of bliss;
Not pastry, that digestion mars,
But something sweeter still—a kiss.
* * *
Enchantress with the nut-brown hair,
Bright genius of the A. B. C.,
Ah, heed a lover's anguished prayer,
And be not D. E. F. to me!
Advice to Honeymooners about to Start on a Continental Trip.—The most appropriate place for "les noces" should be "The Hotel Marry-time, Calais."
BETWEEN SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS
Lady Binks (a devoted widow, earnestly). "Oh, Mr. Crichton, be careful how you marry! Sir Peter, who, as you know, rose to the highest positions, used frequently to say that more men owed their success to the beauty and social charm of their wives, than to their own energy and talents."
Mr. Crichton (plunging on the "nil nisi bonum" principle). "Surely, Lady Binks, none could say that of Sir Peter!"
Literal.—Visitor (to Disconsolate One). "Rejected you, did she? Oh, what o' that? Often do at first. Try her again. You're not pertinacious enough. You should have pressed her——" Dejected One. "Yes, but—confound her!—she wouldn't let me come near her!"
PARRIED
The Major (not so young as he feels). "Ah, Miss Muriel, in the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of——"
Miss Muriel (who wishes to avoid a proposal). "What a memory you have, major!"
He. "Oh, pray, Miss Dalrimple, don't call me Mr. Brookes."
She. "Oh, but our acquaintance has been so brief. This is so sudden——" (Sweetly.) "Why shouldn't I call you Mr. Brookes?"
He. "Oh—only because my name's Somerset!"
"Unequal Rating."—A big wife scolding a little husband.
The Divorce Measure.—Half and half.
Feminine Perversity.—Aunt Betsy. "I wonder, James, at your encouraging young Cadby to be so much with Madeline! He's a bad match, and not a good fellow, I fear!" Papa. "Confound him, no! I've given him carte-blanche to come when he likes, and she's getting rather tired of him at last, for I'm always cracking him up!" Aunt Betsy. "And that nice fellow, Goodenough? He's never here now?" Papa. "No; I've forbidden him the house, and won't even allow his name to be mentioned. She's always thinking of him in consequence. I'm in hopes she'll marry him some day!"
Is Marriage a Failure? Why, yes, to be sure.
But, oh! abolition won't furnish a cure.
Whilst thousands of spinsters in solitude tarry,
It's clearly a failure—because men won't marry.
An "Elastic Band."—The Marriage Tie (in the Divorce Court).
A PARTHIAN SHOT
He (after a quarrel, bitterly). "I was a fool when I married you!"
She (quietly, about to leave the room). "Yes; but I thought you would improve!"
HARMONY
Brown (Philistine). "I heard it was all 'off' between you and Miss Roweshett."
Wobbinson (Æsthete). "Ya-as. Incompatibility of complexion!—she didn't suit my furnitchar!!"
'Liza. "Wot's it feel like, bein' in love, Kytie?"
Katie. "Ow, it's prime, 'Liza. It's like 'avin' 'ot treacle runnin' daown yer back!"
I live a mild domestic life,
Devoted dearly to my wife,
So much so, that from her extends
My fond affection to her friends;
And first of all—no spooney raw—
Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law!
My pet's old parent's rather stout;
I just might clasp her waist about:
Some three yards round, and not much more.
I've thoughts of widening my front-door,
I shouldn't mind the expense one straw.
Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law!
At times I may myself forget,
Which, if she thinks, she tells my pet;
But when I don't do all I should,
Her telling tends to make me good;
I'm pleased to have her find the flaw.
Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law!
The servants that upon her wait
A pleasure have which must be great.
And yet can we get none to stay.
I grieve so when she goes away!
Tears from my eyes her turned heels draw.
Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law!
A sweet old soul, how pleased I feel
To see her at the social meal
Of dinner sit, her mouth a chink
Ne'er opened save to meat—and drink!
And I'll ne'er grudge (I am so free)
Her gin and brandy in her tea.
I hold her in such filial awe;
Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law!
"Just look at Mr. Jones over there, flirting with that girl! I always thought he was a woman-hater?"
"So he is; but she's not here to-night!"
The Straight Tip.—"And so now they're engaged! Well, Jessie, to think of you, with your beauty and accomplishments, and your lovely voice, being cut out by such an ignorant little fright as that Maggie Quickson! You sang to him, I suppose?" "Yes, mamma, by the hour! But she made him sing, you know, and played his accompaniments for him!" "Why, can he sing?" "No, mamma; but she made him believe he could!"
Motto for a "Kiss."—Go it, my two lips.
Crossed in Love.—A wedding-present cheque.
Q. What is the difference between a lover asking the object of his affections to marry him, and a guest who ventures to hint to his host that the Pommery '80 is rather corked?
A. The one pops the question, the other questions the pop.
He. "How would you like to own a—er—a little puppy?"
She. "Oh, Mr. Softly, this is so sudden!"
(By a strong-minded Married Woman)
Always provide for everything beforehand. As things are sure to turn out differently from what you have arranged, this will familiarise you with disappointment.
Always go back upon a mistake or a misfortune, and so take the opportunity of proving how much better things would have been if something had been done that hasn't.
Never give way in trifles, as there is no saying how soon you may be called upon to give way in matters of more importance.
A mistress may talk at her servants, but should never lower herself so far as to talk to them.
Never dress for your husband, which will teach him to value you for your gifts of mind, not your attractions of person.
Never give expression to your affections, as there is no saying how soon they may alter, and you may thus be guilty of great inconsistency.
Never consult the taste of your husband, or he will in time come to look on his house as a club, where all is comfort and self-indulgence.
A little girl, a charming tiny tot,
I well remember you with many a curl,
Although I recollect you said "I'm not
A little girl."
We parted. Mid the worry and the whirl
Of life, again, alas! I saw you not.
I kept you in my memory as a pearl
Of winsome childhood. So imagine what
A shock it was this morning to unfurl
My morning paper, there to see you've got
A little girl!
The Poet and his Love—(A Lapsus Linguæ.)—He. "I see that you wear brown boots, sweetheart—a sign of the falling of the year." She. "Yes, it is in concord with the decadence of the leaf." He. "Say rather of the cutting of the corn." (And then the match was broken off through no fault of his.)
A SAFE MORTGAGE
Angelina. "Edwin, promise me you'll never describe me as your 'relict.'"
Edwin. "Dearest, I never will! I'd die sooner!"
Brown (who has been dining at the club with Jones). "Just come in a minute, old fellow, and have a night-cap."
Jones. "I'm afraid it's getting a little late. Let's see, how's the enemy."
Brown. "Oh! that's all right. She's in bed."
Things one would Rather have Left Unsaid.—"Well, but if you can't bear her, whatever made you propose?" "Well, we had danced three dances, and I couldn't think of anything else to say!"