The First Sermon.

Aunt. "Well, Daisy, how did you like 'Church' yesterday?"
Daisy. "O, Aunty, they were all so Quiet and looked so Cross, I thought I must 'a' screamed!!"

"Sweet is Revenge, Especially to Women!"

Captain Ogleby, who annoys the Miss Lankysters so much on the Promenade by his obtrusive Admiration, is discovered early one Morning, by his exultant Victims, in the act of having an "Easy Shave" in the somewhat limited Premises of the Village Figaro.

Desperate Case!

M. A. (endeavouring to instil Euclid into the mind of Private Pupil going into the Army). "Now, if the Three Sides of this Triangle are all Equal, what will Happen?"
Pupil (confidently). "Well, Sir, I should Say the Fourth would be Equal, too!!"

Exchange!

Togswell (in the Washing Room at the Office, proceeding to dress for the De Browney's Dinner-Party). "Hullo! What the Dooce"—(Pulling out, in dismay, from black bag, a pair of blue flannel Tights, a pink striped Jersey, and a spiked canvas Shoe.)—"Confound it! Yes!—I must have taken that Fellow's Bag who said he was going to the Athletic Sports this Afternoon, and he's got mine with my Dress Clothes!!"

A Degenerate Son.

The Governor (indignantly). "George, I'm Surprised at you! I should have Thought you Knew better! It's Disgraceful! Is it for this I've paid Hundreds of Pounds to give you an University Education, that you should——"
Son and Heir (with cigar). "Why—what have I done, Governor?"
The Governor. "Done? Dared to Smoke, Sir, while you are Drinking my '34 Port!!"

Lucid!

Irish Sergeant (to Squad at Judging-Distance Drill). "Now, ye'll pay the greatest of Attintion to the Man at Eight Hundred Yar-rds: becase, if ye can't see 'm, ye'll be deceived in his 'Apparance!!"

The Riding Lesson.

Riding Master (to Sub, who is qualifying himself for the Punjaub Cavalry). "If Yer 'Ead was only turned the other way, What a Splendid Chest you'd 'ave, Mr. Bowdrib!"

Look before you Leap.

Middle-Aged Uncle. "Not Proposed to her yet! Why, what a shilly-shallying Fellow you are, George! You'll have that little Widow snapped up from under your Nose, as sure as you're born! Pretty Gal like that—nice little Property—evidently likes you—with an Estate in the Highlands, too, and you a Sporting Man——"
Nephew. "Ah! That's where it is, Uncle! Her Fishing's good, I know; but I'm not so Sure about her Grouse!"

No Mistake, this Time.

Lodger. "Dear me, Mrs. Cribbles, your Cat's been at this Mutton again!"
Landlady. "Oh no, Mum, it can't be the Cat. My 'Usband says he b'lieves it's the Collerlarda Beetle!"

State o' Trade.

Small Girl. "Please, Mrs. Greenstough, Mother says will you Give her a Lettuce?"
Mrs. G. "Give?! Tell thee Mother Giv'um's dead, and Lendum's very bad. Nothink for Nothink 'ere, and Precious Little for Sixpence!!"

"Let Well Alone!"

Swell. "Ah—what's your Fare to Hampstead by the—ah—New Law?!"
Cabby. "Oh, I don't Know nothin' 'bout no New Laws, Sir!—same Old Fare, Sir—'Leave it to you,' Sir!"

"Le Jeu ne Vaut pas la Chandelle."

Old Gent (having had to pay twice). "But I'm positive I handed you the Money! It may probably have dropped down the slit in the Door!"
Conductor. "Slit in the Door!—Well, 'tain't likely I'm goin' to turn the Bus upside-down for Sixpence!"

"Tho' Lost to Sight——"

Aunt Jemima (from the country—her first experience of a "Hansom"). "Hoy! Hoy! Stop the Horse! Where's the Coachman!"

Precise.

Driver (impatient). "Now, Bill, what's it all about?"
Conductor. "Ge'tleman wants to be put down at No. 20 A in Claringdon Square, fust Portico on the Right after you pass the 'Red Lion,' private Entrance round the Corner!"
Driver. "O, certainly! Ask the Ge'tleman if we shall Drive Up-stairs, an' set 'im down at 'is Bed-Room Door in the Three-Pair Back?"

An Extensive Order.

"O, please, Miss, will you give us two 'A'pennies for a Penny, and gi' me a Drink o' Water, an' tell us the Right Time? An' Father wants a Pipe; and lend Mother yesterday's 'Tizer."!!!

"No such Luck."

Young Lady. "Is it Hungry, then? Come along, little Darling, it shall have its Dinner."
Street-Sweeper (overhearing, and misapplying). "Here y'are, Miss! Right you are! I jest am!" Ah! but it was Fido she was speaking to!

"'Tis Better not to Know."

Impudent Boy (generally). "Try yer Weight—only a Penny!" (To Lady of commanding proportions in particular.) "Tell yer 'xact Weight to a Hounce, Mum!"

Vested Interests.

Sweeper. "If you don't get off my Crossin', I'll 'ev your Number!"

"Chaff."

Apple-Stall Keeper (to the Boys). "Now, then, what are you Gaping at? What do you Want?"
Street Boy. "Nothin'."
Apple-Stall Keeper. "Then Take it, and be Off!"
Street Boy. "Very Well: Wrap it up for us in a Piece o' Paper!" Bolts.

"Is It Possible?!"

Swell (lecturing Juvenile Member of Manufacturing Centre). "You should always—ah—Touch your Hat to a Gentleman——"
Factory Lad. "Please, Sir, I didn't Know as yer was one!!"

A Panic in the Kitchen.

Facetious Page. "Now, then, here's the Census, and Master's ordered me to Fill it up. I've put down your Ages within a Year or so, and you're to 'return' your Follerers, if any, how many, and state 'P'lice or Military,' Fees and Tips from Tradesmen and Wisitors 'per Ann.,' Price o' Kitchen-Stuff, Average o' Breakages, &c., &c."

Proof Positive.

Mistress. "Your Character is Satisfactory, but I'm very particular about one thing: I wish my Servants to have plenty, but I don't allow any Waste."
Page. "Oh, no, 'M, which I'd Eat and Drink till I Busted, 'M, rather than Waste anythink, 'M!!"

"Qualifications."

Painter (who has always been ambitious of "writing himself down an R. A."). "Think they might have Elected me, having Exhibited and had my Name down all these Years! I might have——"
Friend (Man o' the World). "My dear Fellow, I've always told you, you don't go the Right Way to Work. You see they could only Elect you for your Painting, for——why do you wear such Thick Boots?!!"

Temptation.

Painter. "You don't mean to Say you want Me to Sign it, when I tell you I did not Paint it? And a Beastly Copy it is, too!"
Picture-Dealer. "Vy not, goot Sir? vy not? Tut! tut! tut! I only vish you Artis's vos Men of Bis'ness!"

"Spoiling It."

Lord Dabbley. "Wa-al, Streaky, why I've heard—ah—you're not going to—(yawns)—have a Pict-yar at the Exhibition!"
Streaky, R. A. "Haw, very probably not, m'Lord. Well, I think it only—ah—graceful, m'Lord, we should occasionally forego our privileged space for the sake of our younger painters—ah! Besides—I question if I shall be able to finish my Public Portraits in time this ye-ar!"

Particular!

Young Mumford (airily, having learnt that the Lady comes from his part of the country). "Dessay you know the Cadgebys of Bilchester?—Awfully Jolly People! I——"
Haughty Beauty. "Oh no, we only visit the County Families and we Weed them!!"
Her partner wishes this "First Set" was "The Lancers."

Vivifying Treatment of a Partner.

(A Tragedy of the last Harrogate Season.)
Young Lady (to Partner, instantly on their taking their Places). "Now——I've been to Fountains Abbey, and to Bolton, and I've seen the Brimham Rocks, and the Dropping Well, and the View from the Observatory, and we had a Morning in York Minster, and we have been here a Fortnight, and we are going to Stay another, and Papa takes the Chalybeate Waters, and I am very Glad the Cavalry are coming. Now you may begin Conversation."
Utter Collapse of Partner.

Arbiter Elegantiarum.

Housemaid. "Oh, please, 'M, could I go out this Evening? 'cause Cook nex' Door's got a 'Lang'age o' Flowers Bee,' and she's requested me to be one o' the Judges!"

"The Servants."

Cook. "Then, shall you go as 'Ousemaid?"
Young Person. "No, indeed! If I go at all, I go as Lady 'Elp!"

"Hard Lines."

Mistress (to former Cook). "Well, Eliza, what are you doing now?"
Ex-Cook. "Well, Mum, as you wouldn't give me no Character, I've been obliged to Marry a Soldier!"

"Not to Put too Fine a Point on It."

Transatlantic Party. "Look 'ere, Waiter! Change this Knife for a Pea-eater. Stranger and me air on different Platforms, and I might hurt him."

"Never Say 'Die'"

Nephew. "Sure it isn't Gout, Uncle?"
Uncle. "Gout! Shtuff an' Nonshensh! Not a bit of it! No, Fact is—Phew—(winces) these con-founded Bootmakers—they make your Boots so Tight!!"

"Ingenuas Didicisse" &c.

Urbane Foreigner. "The—ah—Contemplation of these—ah—Relics of Ancient Art in the Galleries of Europe, must be most Int'r'sting to the—ah—Educated American!"
American Tourist. "Wa'al, don't seem to care much for these Stone Gals somehow, Stranger!"

A Plutocrat.

Swell. "'D you oblige me—ah—by Shutting your Window?—ah——"
Second Passenger (politely). "Really, Sir, if you will not Press it, as yours is Shut, the Air is so Warm I would rather keep this Open. You seem to take great Care of yourself, Sir——"
Swell. "Care of myself! Should wather think so. So would you, my dear Fel-lah, if you'd Six Thousand a Ye-ar!!"

"Matter!"

Portly Old Swell (on reading Professor Tyndall's Speech). "Dear me! Is it poss'ble! Most 'xtr'ord'nary!—(throws down the Review)—that I should have been originally a 'Primordial Atomic Globule'!!"

A Final Appeal.

"Now, Gentlemen of the Jury, I throw myself upon your impartial Judgement as Husbands and Fathers, and I confidently ask, Does the Prisoner look like a Man who would Knock down and Trample upon the Wife of his Bosom? Gentlemen, I have done!"

Division of Labor.

Facetious Volunteer Sub. "Look here, Captain; I'm tired of this Fun. Do you mind looking after the Men while I go and get taken Prisoner?"

"Off."

Sergeant O'Leary. "Double! Left! Right! What the Blazes, Pat Rooney, d'ye mane by not Doublin' wid the Squad!?"
Pat. "Shure, Sergeant, 'twasn't a fair Start!"

"Where Ignorance is Bliss" &c.

Frugal Housewife (has a large Family). "Oh, Mr. Stickings, I see by the Daily Papers that the Price of Meat has Fallen Twopence a Pound. I think you ought to make some Reduction in your Charges!"
Country Butcher. "Werry Sorry, Mum, but we don't take in no Daily Papers, Mum!!"

Complimentary.

Collier (about the Dog). "Yes, Sir, aw got him in Manchester, Yonder, an' Doctor aw's going t' ax ye, hey y' ony objection tin us Namin' him efther Ye?!"
Young Medical Man (rather pleased). "Oh, Dear no, by all Means—'don't know about the Compliment, though, he's not a Beauty to look at!"
Collier. "Mebbees not, Doctor; but—Smash!—Mun, he's a Beggar to Kill!!"

"(Not) Thankful for Small Mercies"

Cat's-Meat Man. "What 'a yer got for Dinner to-day, Joe?"
Crossing-Sweeper. "Oh, a bit o' Roast Weal, sent me up from No. 6 in the Crescent 'ere—an' yer wouldn't b'lleve it!—not a mossel o' Stuffin—ah, an' not so much as a Slice o' Lemon!—and (with a sneer) calls theirselves Respect'ble People, I've no doubt!!"

Delicacy.

Edwin (as the Servant is present). "Ah—j'ettay see—ah—disappointay de ne pas voo vwore a la Rink ce Mattang—poorqwaw esker——?"
Angelina. "Ah wee, mais Mommong——"
Parlour-Maid. "Hem! Beg your Pardon, Miss; but I understand the Langvidge!!"

"The Servants."

Mistress. "Jane, tell Cook I'll come down and See what she wants done to that Stove, as the Builder's coming to-morrow."
Jane. "O, please, 'um, I don't think we can Ast you into the Kitching to Day, Mum, as Cook and me's got a Small and Early 'at Ome' this Afternoon, Mum!"

Retributive Justice.

Farmer (giving the Culprit a Box o' the Ear). "How dare you Beat those Goslins, you young Rascal? I saw you!"
Boy. "Boo, oo, oo, what furr'd they Gors-chicks Feyther boite oi then furr?!"

"By the Card."

Pedestrian. "How far is it to Sludgecombe, Boy?"
Boy. "Why 'bout twenty 'underd theausan' Mild 'f y' goo 's y'are agooin' now, an' 'bout Half a Mild 'f you turn right reaound an' goo t' other way!!"

In Jeopardy.

The new Boy was enjoined to be very Careful how he carried the Fiddle-Case—"By the Handle, and to mind not to Knock it against anything!" Imagine the Horror of Mr. Pitsey Carter, his Master, who was following, to come upon the Rascal, with the Invaluable "Joseph" on his Head, executing a Pas-seul over a Skipping-Rope!!

Heresy.

Mamma. "You know who Built the Ark, George?"
George (promptly). "Noah, 'Ma."
Mamma. "And what did he Build it for?"
George (dubiously). "For little Boys to Play with, 'Ma?!"

"Oh, the Mistletoe Bough!"

Greengrocer, Jun. (to whom our Little Friend in Velvet had applied for a piece of Mistletoe for his own private diversion). "I've got yer a bit, Master George. It ain't a very big Piece, but there's lots o' Berries on it; an' it's the Berries as does it"!!!

Culture for the Working Classes.

Philanthropic Employer (who has paid his Workpeople's expenses to a neighbouring Fine-Art Exhibition). "Well, Johnson, what did you think of it? 'Pick up an Idea or two?"
Foreman. "Well, yer see, Sir, it were a this Way. When us got there, we was a considerin' what was best to be done, so we app'inted a Deppertation o' Three on us to see what it were like; an' when they come out an' said it were only Picturs an' such, we thought it a pity to Spend our Shillins on 'em. So we went to the Tea-Gardens, and wery Pleasant it were, too. Thank yer kindly, Sir!"

A Casual Acquaintance.

West-End Man (addressing, as he supposes, Intelligent Mechanic). "Can you Direct me to the Moorgate Street Station?"
Seedy Party. "Mo'rgate Street Station, Sir? Straight on, Sir, fust Turnin' t' the Right, and it's just opposyte. And now, you've interdooced the Subject, Sir, if you could Assist me with a Trifle, Sir, which I've 'ad nothin' to Eat since last Friday——"
West-End Man not having an answer ready, forks out, and exit.

"Circumlocutory!"

Polite Coster (seeing Smoke issuing from Brown's coat-pocket). "You'll excuse me addressin' o' you, Sir,—Common Man in a manner o' Speakin'—Gen'leman like you, Sir—beggin' Pardon for takin' the Liberty, which I should never a' thought o' doin' under ordinary Succumstances, Sir, on'y you didn't seem to be Aware on it, but it Struck me as I see you a Goin' along, as you were A-FIRE, Sir!"
By this time Brown's right coat-tail was entirely consumed. His fuzees had ignited by private arrangement among themselves.

Alarming.

Buttons (as he burst into his Master's room on the night of Wednesday, the 7th: he had just seen that wonderful shooting star). "Oh, please, Sir, them Meteors is a goin' off ag'in!!"
Scientific Old Gent (startled out of his first sleep, and misunderstanding the intelligence). "Oh!—eh!—what!—Turn it off at the Main!!"

Weights and Measures.

Valetudinarian (in the course of Conversation with intelligent Passenger, whom he takes to be a Dignitary of the Church). "Now, what should you think was my Weight?"
Gentleman in Black. "Well, Sir—let me see—you stand about Five Feet Eleven, Thirty Inches across Chest, and we'll say Eleven Inches deep—well, I should say, speaking at random, you would 'Lift' at about Eleven Stun' and Three Quarters!"
Horror of Invalid—his fellow-passenger was an Undertaker!

"Small Mercies."

First Jolly Angler (with empty Creel). "Well, we've had a very pleasant Day! What a delightful Pursuit it is!"
Second Ditto (with ditto). "Glorious! I shan't forget that Nibble we had just after Lunch, as long as I live!"
Both. "Ah!!"

Tyranny.

First Rough. "We're a goin' to be Edgicated now, c'mpulsory, or else go to the Treadmill!"
Second Rough. "Ah! no Vunder so many poor People's a Emigratin'!"

A Perfect Cure.

Town Man. "How Jolly it must be, Living down here in the Country!"
Country Gentleman. "Oh, I don't know. It's rather Torpid sort of Life; Time passes very Slowly."
Town Man. "Time passes Slowly? You should get Somebody to Draw on you at Three Months!!"

In Consequence of the Tailors' Strike.

GEORGE AND THE GOVERNOR HAVE THEIR CLOTHES MADE AT HOME.
George. "Are you sure you took my Right Measure, Charlotte?"
Charlotte. "Oh, George, I'm sure it Fits Beautifully!!"

"As Well as Can be Expected."

Horsey Parish Doctor (late for the Meet). "Well, Mother, and how's your Daughter, and the Babby—Poorly, eh? Ah, well, give him a Pinch o' Brimstone in his Pap, and I'll look in to-morrow."

Penny Wise.

National Schoolmaster (going round with Government Inspector). "Wilkins, how do you bring Shillings into Pence?"
Pupil. "Please, Sir, 'takes it round to the Public-'Ouse, Sir!!"

Reminiscences.

Governess. "Show Mr. Smithers your New Doll, Ada."
Old Rustic. "Ah—Lor'—deary me, Mum, if it ain't the very Modal of my Old Woman when she was in her Prime!!"

"Hoist with His Own 'Pomade'!"

Customer (worried into it). "Well, I don't mind Taking a Small Bottle——"
Barber. "Better 'ave a Two Shillin' one, Sir; it 'olds Four Times as much as the other——"
Customer (turning upon him). "O, then if I take this Shilling Bottle, I shall be Done out of Half my Money's worth! Then I won't have any!" Escapes in triumph!

Distracting.

Customer. "What did you think of the Bishop's Sermon on Sunday, Mr. Wigsby?"
Hairdresser. "Well, really, Sir, there was a Gent a-settin' in front o' me as 'ad his 'Air parted that Crooked I couldn't 'ear a Word!"

A Compliment.

Hairdresser. "Any off the Beard, Sir?"
Customer. "No, thank you. I've lately trimmed it myself."
Hairdresser. "Indeed, Sir! I should not have thought any Gentleman out of the Profession could have done it so well!!"

XXX Cellent Reasons.

Free and Independent (to wavering) Elector. "You don't admire his Politics? Politics be Blowed! Look at his Principles! That Man allus Brews Five-and-Twenty Bushels to the Hogshead!"

Sympathy.

Giles (ruefully). "Villiam, I've been an' gone an' 'Listed!"
William. "Lor'! 'ave yer, though? Got the Shillin'?"
Giles. "Yes."
William. "Well, then, let's go an' 'ave a Glass at the 'Barley-Mow.' Don't let's be down'earted!"

Liberal to a Fault.

The Missus (affably). "My 'usban's out just now, Sir. Can I give him any message?"
Liberal Candidate. "Ah—I have called with the hope that—ah—he'd promise me his vote at the approach——"
The Missus. "oh, yes, Sir. you're cap'm bilke, the 'yallow,' I s'pose, Sir! Yes, I'm sure he'll be most 'appy, Sir!"
The Captain (delighted). "ya-as—I shall be much obliged to him—and—ah—he may depend upon my——"
The Missus. "Yes, I'm sure he'd promise you if he was at home, Sir; 'cause when the two 'blue' gents called and as'ed him the other day, sir, he promised 'em d'rec'ly, Sir!!"

Civil Service Miseries.

Mamma (who has been Shopping at the Co-Operative). "Good Gracious, Dears, what shall we do with these Parcels?"
Youngest Daughter. "Oh, Pa' can take the Large One, Ma', and he might Carry some of the Small Ones in his Pockets!!" Pa', who has been waiting outside, feels he's in for it.