Wonder if this is Tringham or Upper Tringham.
Wonder if it's Tringham Junction.
Wonder if we change here for Stonnhurst.
Wonder if any one understands what the guard says.
Wonder if any one understands what the porter says.
Wonder where the refreshment-room is.
Wonder if I run across eight lines of rail, and over two platforms, to where I see the refreshment-room is, whether I shall ever be able to get back to my own carriage.
Wonder (while I am crossing) whether any of the eight trains, on any of the eight lines, will come in suddenly.
Wonder what's the best thing to take.
Wonder whether soup's a good thing.
Wonder whether the waiter heard me ask for soup, because I've changed my mind, and will have some tea.
Wonder if the young lady at the counter knows that I've asked for tea, twice.
Wonder if those buns are stale.
Wonder if tea goes well with buns.
Wonder what does go with buns.
Wonder, having begun on buns, whether it wouldn't have been better to ask for sherry.
Wonder if this tea will ever be cool.
Wonder if that's our bell for starting.
Wonder if the young lady at the counter is deceiving me when she says I've got exactly a minute and a half.
Wonder if anybody's looking at me while I put my tea in the saucer.
Wonder if that is our bell.
Wonder if I shall have time to get back to my carriage.
Wonder how much tea and buns come to.
Wonder where I put my small change.
Wonder, having nothing under half-a-crown, if I could get off without paying.
Wonder they don't keep change ready.
Wonder as I'm recrossing the lines whether any train will come in suddenly.
Wonder which is my carriage.
Wonder (to guard familiarly) why they don't provide better lights for the carriages. Guard says, he wonders at that, too. Every one seems to wonder at that.
Wonder (to guard again) if I can get a hot-water bottle for my feet anywhere. Guard wonders they don't keep 'em.
Wonder (to guard once more) if I've time to go across the line, get my change out of the half-crown for buns and tea, and return to my carriage.
Wonder if the guard is right in saying that we shall start directly.
Wonder I forgot to ask the guard all about my luggage.
Wonder, being safely in my seat, that there are not more accidents from people crossing the rails in a large station.
Wonder why there's not a refreshment-room on either side.
Wonder why they always come for your tickets after you've made yourself comfortable.
Wonder where the dickens I put my ticket.
Wonder, supposing I can't find it, whether the man will believe I ever had one.
Wonder, on this matter being settled satisfactorily, which is the best pocket for keeping tickets in.
Wonder why they can't shut the carriage-doors without banging them.
Wonder if anybody thought of getting any lights.
Wonder if I should have had time to cross over to the refreshment-room and get the change out of my half-crown.
Wonder (to my opposite neighbour) what county we're passing through. He wonders, too. We both look out of our own side windows, and go on wondering.
Wonder if that protracted shrill steam-whistle means danger. Opposite neighbour wonders if it does.
Wonder why we're stopping; 'tisn't a station.
Wonder what's the matter.
Wonder what it is.
Wonder what it can be.
Wonder if it's dangerous to put one's head out of window.
Wonder if the engine has broken down.
Wonder if there's anything on the line.
Wonder if the express is behind us.
Wonder if that man on the line is making a danger signal.
Wonder (as we are moving again) what it was.
Wonder passengers can't have some direct means of communicating with a guard.
Wonder how long we shall be before we get to Stonnhurst.
Wonder if that's my portmanteau that that elderly gentleman is taking away with him.
Wonder if they'll send to meet me at the station.
Wonder (if they don't send) whether there's a fly or an omnibus.
Wonder where their house is.
Wonder if the station-master knows where their house is.
Wonder what a fly will charge.
Wonder what I shall do if they don't send, and there isn't a fly or an omnibus.
Wonder what time they dine.
Wonder if I shall have time to write a letter before dinner.
Wonder, for the sixth time, whether I gave my writing-case to the guard, or left it in the cab.
Wonder if I did leave it in the cab.
Wonder if this is where I get out.
Wonder if the guard is right in saying that, as I'm going to Redditon, it doesn't matter whether I get out at the next station, Stonnhurst, or Morley Vale, the next but one.
Wonder for which place my luggage was labelled.
Wonder whether after getting out at Stonnhurst I shall have to go back for my luggage to Morley Vale.
Wonder if I do right in deciding upon getting out at Stonnhurst.
Wonder if my luggage has gone on to Morley Vale.
Wonder if I left my umbrella in the carriage, or forgot to bring it.
Wonder how far it is from Stonnhurst to Morley Vale.
Wonder if they've sent a trap to meet me at Morley Vale.
Wonder why, when people invite one to come down to some out-of-the-way place, they don't tell one all these difficulties in their letter.
Wonder if they'll have sense enough to drive to Stonnhurst from Morley Vale.
Wonder if I shall meet them on the road if I walk there.
Wonder which is the road.
Wonder, in answer to demand at the station-door, where I put my ticket.
Wonder if I dropped it in the carriage.
Wonder what I can have done with it.
Wonder if I put it into the side pocket of my overcoat when I took out my lights.
Wonder where the deuce my overcoat is.
Scene—Chancery Lane "Tube" Station.
First Lift Man. "A good time comin' for me, mate. What O, for a bit of a chinge!"
Second Lift Man. "What's up, then?"
First Lift Man (in impressive tones). "Got shifted to the Bank—beginnin' Monday!"
First Tourist (going north). "Hullo, Tompk——"
Second Ditto (ditto, ditto). "Hsh——sh! Confound it, you'll spoil all. They think in the train I'm a Highland chief!!"
"If you travel in one, you run greater risks than in travelling in the ordinary carriages. I have known railway officials allow men to jump into them at the last moment before the train starts, with a mutual wink at each other and a very objectionable grin."
Northern Crœsus. "Oh! I'm so glad to meet you here, Mr. Vandyke Brown. The fact is, I've a commission for you!"
Our Youthful Landscape Painter (dissembling his rapture). "All right—most happy—what is it to be?"
Northern Crœsus. "Well—my aged grandmother is going to London by this train—and I want to put her under your protection."
[Our Youthful Landscape Painter dissembles again.
Traveller. "Yes, it's decidedly warm, but there's a feeling of security about it I rather like." (Yawns.) "Any chance of a smash to-day!?"
[Drops off to sleep!
Undersized Youth. "Now then, first return, Surbiton, and look sharp! How much?"
Clerk. "Three shillings. Half-price under twelve!"
Traveller (waiting for train already twenty minutes late). "Porter, when do you expect that train to come in?"
Porter. "Can't say, sir. But the longer you waits for it, the more sure 'tis to come in the next minute."
| The saloon is fitted with refreshment bar, replete with all baby delicacies. |
Patent swing sleeping cradles can be secured by wire or letter. |
Rattles can be obtained at most of the large stations. |
Efficient nurse guards, to look after the babies, travel by all trains. | The saloon is fitted with amusing toys, to beguile the tedium of long journeys. |
Irascible Old Gentleman (who is just a second too late). "Confound and D——!"
Fair Stranger (who feels the same, but dare not express it). "Oh, thank you, so much!"
Old Lady. "Well, I'm sure no woman with the least sense of decency would think of going down that way to it."
Passenger (in a hurry). "Is this train punctual?"
Porter. "Yessir, generally a quarter of an hour late to a minute!"
Perspiring Countryman (who has just, with the utmost difficulty, succeeded in catching train). "Phew! Just saved it by t'skin o' my teeth!"
Impudent Boy (generally). "Try yer weight—only a penny!" (To lady of commanding proportions in particular.) "'Tell yer 'xact weight to a hounce, mum!"
First Artist. "Children don't seem to me to sell now as they used."
Second Artist (in a hoarse whisper). "Well, I was at Stodge's yesterday. He'd just knocked off three little girls' heads—horrid raw things—a dealer came in, sir—bought 'em directly—took 'em away, wet as they were, on the stretchers, and wanted Stodge to let him have some more next week."
"Yes, my lady. James went this morning with the hunters, and I've sent on the heavy luggage with Charles. But I've got your pencil-case, the bicycle, your ladyship's golf clubs and hunting crop and billiard cue, the lawn tennis racket, the bezique cards and markers, your ladyship's betting book and racing glasses and skates and walking-stick—and if I've forgotten anything I can easily wire back for it from the first station we stop at."
Diner. "Ticket."
Clerk. "What station?"
Diner. "Wha-stashun ve-you-got?"
Mr. Foozler (who, while waiting for the last train, has wandered to the end of the platform, opened the door of the signal-box, and watched the signalman's manipulations of the levers for some moments with hazy perplexity, suddenly). "Arf o' Burt'n 'n birrer f' me, guv'nor!"
"Third-class single to Ruswarp, please, and a dog ticket. How much?"
"Fourpence-halfpenny—threepence for the dog, and three-halfpence for yourself."
"Ah! you reckon by legs on this line."
Mrs. M-l-pr-p. "The fact is, my love, that these terrible collusions would never occur if the trains was only more punctilious!"
A Needless Panic.—Mrs. Malaprop is puzzled to know what people mean when they talk of the present alarming Junction of affairs. She hopes it has nothing to do with the railways, in which she has some Deference shares.
1. Jones was a tuft-hunter. One day, in a train, he encountered an elderly gentleman who aroused great interest in his bosom. "Porter," said that elderly gentleman, "'ave you seen my old hall?" "Got an old hall!" murmured Jones to himself. "Rich man—probably duke! Should like to cultivate him!"
2. The stranger was affable. "Did you ever 'ave an old hall?" he said. "Why—er—n-no," said Jones. "Very convenient thing to 'ave," said the stranger. "I've got all manner o' things in my old hall." "Ah—armour, and ancestors, and tapestry, and secret doors, no doubt," thought Jones to himself.
3. "You must see my old hall," said the stranger. "I'll show you all the ins and outs of it. I can put you up——" "Really very good of you!" exclaimed Jones. "Shall be delighted to accept——" "Put you up to no hend of wrinkles about old halls," continued the stranger.
4. They alighted at the terminus. "There—there's my old hall! Hain't it a beauty?" said the stranger. Jones sank slowly to the earth, without a groan. That ungrammatical stranger's vaunted possession was a hold-all.
The President of the Board of Trade having sent a circular to the railway companies with reference to making provisions for the prevention of accidents and the enforcement of punctuality, especially in connection with the running of excursion trains at this period of the year, the following regulations will probably come under consideration.
1. In future one line will be kept (when feasible) for up trains, whilst the other is reserved for the use of down-trains. This rule will not apply to luggage and mineral trains, and trains inaccurately shunted on to lines on which they (the trains) have no right to travel.
2. Station-masters should never permit a train to start more than forty minutes late, except when very busy with the company's accounts.
3. As complaints have been made that signalmen are overworked, these officers in future will occupy their boxes during the morning only. During the rest of the day the boxes will be closed. That the public may suffer no inconvenience by this arrangement, the trains will continue running by day and by night as heretofore.
4. A pointsman will be expected to notice all signals and to obey them. He will be required, before leaving his post (when on duty), to order one of his children to look after the points during his absence. The child he selects for this office should be at least three years old.
5. The driver and stoker in charge of an engine should never sleep at the same time unless they have taken proper precautions beforehand to prevent an excessive consumption of the company's fuel.
6. When a luggage train is loading or unloading beside the platform of a station, it will be desirable to recollect the time at which an express is due, as unnecessary collisions cause much damage to the rolling stock, and not unfrequently grave inconvenience to first-class passengers.
7. The débris of a train should be removed from the rails before an express is permitted to enter the tunnel in which an accident has taken place. As non-compliance with this rule is likely to cause much delay to the traffic, it should be obeyed when feasible.
8. As guards of excursion trains have been proved to be useless, their places will in future be filled by surgeons. Passengers are particularly requested to give no fees to the surgeons accompanying these trains, as the salaries of these officials will be provided for in the prices charged to the public for excursion tickets.
9. In future, contracts from surgeons and chemists will be accepted on the same terms as those already received from refreshment caterers.
10. The public having frequently experienced inconvenience in having to leave the station when requiring medical attention, in future the waiting-rooms of the third-class passengers will be converted into surgeries for first-class passengers. As these saloons will be fitted with all the latest inventions in surgical instruments, a small extra charge will be made to passengers using them.
11. The directors (in conclusion) fully recognising the responsibility conferred upon them by the shareholders, if not by the public, will expel from their body in future (as a person evidently of unsound mind) any director convicted of travelling by any railway.
"Are there any second-class carriages on this line, Rogers?"
"No, my lord."
"Ah! then take two first-class tickets, and two third."
"Beg pardon, my lord! But is me and Mrs. Parker expected to go third class?"
"Gracious heavens! No, Rogers! not for the world! The third-class tickets are for my lady and me!"
The old lady is supposed (after a great effort) to have made up her mind to travel, just for once, by one "of those new fangled railways," and the first thing she beholds on arriving at the station, is the above most alarming placard.
Dodger. "Hullo, how are you! Can't stop, though, or I shan't miss my train!"
Codger. "Catch it, you mean."
Dodger. "No, I don't. I always used to miss my right train, so now I always miss the one before it, and get home in time for dinner! Ta, ta!"
Mamma. "Oh, I am so glad to meet you, professor. You know everything. Do tell me what time the train that stops nowhere starts."
[For once the professor is not ready.
They were out for a day in the country—were late at the station—he left it to her to take the tickets—a horrid crowd—frightfully hot—and she was hustled and flustered considerably when she reached the carriage.
He (cool and comfortable). "How charming the yellow gorse——"
She (in a withering tone). "You didn't 'xpect to see it blue, I s'ppose!"
[Tacet!]
Sweep (to a carriage full of light blue ribbons). "Won't yer make room for a little 'un, ladies and gents? I'm for the Cambridge lot!"
Railway Gatesman. "It's agin the rules, my lady, openin' o' the gate like this; but it ain't for the likes o' me to keep yer ladyship a waitin'."
Noble Countess. "Why is it against the rules, my good man?"
Railway Gatesman. "Well, my lady, the 5.17 down express has been doo these ten minutes!"
Season-Ticket Holder (airily). "'Morning, station-master. Anything fresh?"
Station-Master ("bit of a wag"). "N-no, sir, not that I've—— ah!—yes—now I think of it, sir—that's fresh paint you're leaning agai——!"
[Violent pas seul, with language to match.
Porter at Junction. "Phew! All this luggage registered in advance and not a bloomin' tip do I get for handling it."
The man who got in at Blackfriars
Was smoking the foulest of briars,
But it went out all right—
Could I give him a light?—
Hadn't got one—well, all men are liars.
I've frequently noticed the Temple
Is a place there are not enough rhymes to;
And that's why I've made
This verse somewhat blank,
And rather disregarded the metre.
How do you pronounce Charing Cross?
It's a point where I'm quite at a loss.
Some people, of course,
Would rhyme it with "horse,"
But I always rhyme it with "hoss."
A woman at Westminster Bridge
Had got just a speck on the ridge
Of her Romanesque nose.
"It's a black, I suppose,"
She observed. Then it flew—'twas a midge.
One man from the Park of St. James,
Had really the loftiest aims;
In the hat-rack he sat,
Used my hair as a mat,
And when I demurred called me names.
I bought from the stall at Victoria
A horrible sixpenny story, a
Book of a kind
It pained me to find
For sale at our English emporia.
I found when I got to Sloane Square
That my ticket was gone; my despair
Was awful to see,
Till at last to my glee
I looked in my hat—it was there!
As Shylock Said.—Railway shareholder, with shares at a discount. "Give me my principal, and let me go."
Small Boy. "'Arf ticket ter Baker Street."
[Pays, and awaits delivery of ticket
Clerk. "It's a shameful thing, a kid like you smoking!"
Small Boy (indignantly). "Who are yer callin' a kid? I'm fourteen!"
Clerk. "Oh, are you? Then you pay full fare to Baker Street!"
By breathing on the glass—and holding a speaking doll by way of baby to the window—you may generally keep your compartment select.
If you see half-a-dozen new patent leather covered basket-trunks with a name written upon all of them, in staring white characters, accompanied by a gigantic portmanteau and three hat-boxes, you may know that the Honourable Lionel and Rowena Silverspoon have started on their wedding-tour.
If you see a weather-beaten portmanteau, accompanied by a neat little trunk and a pretty little birdcage, you may know that Edwin and Angelina Dovecot are going to Ventnor for the honeymoon.
If you see a big carpet-bag, accompanied by a large white umbrella and a tin colour-box, you may know that Daub, A.R.A., is going to Brittany in search of subjects.
If you see an overcrowded portmanteau, accompanied by a double-locked despatch-box, you may know that urgent private affairs have induced Captain Bubble (Promoter of Public Companies) to leave the City hurriedly for Spain.
If you see a small bundle, accompanied by a pair of handcuffs, you may know that urgent public affairs have induced Sergeant Smart (of the Detective Police) to follow the same route taken by Captain Bubble en voyage for Spain.
If you see twenty-four patent reversible extra waterproof holdalls, with all the latest improvements, painted blue, green, yellow, and red, and covered with hotel labels, accompanied by thirty-seven deal packing cases, you may know that Colonel Jerusalem R. X. E. Squash, U.S.A., and family are engaged in "doing" Europe.
If you see fifteen trunks, all more or less damaged, accompanied by an old portmanteau and a double perambulator, you may know that Mr. and Mrs. Paterfamilias and children are going to Herne Bay for a month.
If you see, in conclusion, a neat knapsack and a spiked walking-stick, you may know that Mr. Punch is off to Switzerland to enjoy himself.
Our Station-Master (to old Jinks, whom he had kindly provided with a foot-warmer on a journey down the line to see his sick daughter). "Well, did you find the benefit of it, Master Jinks?"
Old Jinks. "Oh, aye, thankee, Mr. Green! Tha' there box o' hot water tha' wor uncommon' comfor'able, sure-ly! I sat on 'm the whol' o' the way, an' tha' did warm me up to-rights, I can tell 'ee!!"
Passenger. "Well, you say you've put all my luggage safe, what are you waiting for?—I thought you were forbidden to take money!"
Porter. "So we is, sir. We never 'takes' it—it's 'given to us!'"
"Beg pardon, sir, but don't you see the notice?"
"Yes, my good fellow, but I never said I was a gentleman!"