Shaw the Lifeguard Man. "I'VE GOT HIM UNDER!—BUT I MUST HAVE SUPPORT TO KEEP HIM DOWN!!"
Robert (to stingy Old Gent, who had given him a Halfpenny). "You'll 'xcuse me, Sir—but—would you mind—ah—makin' it a Penny, Sir—which we has to divide it—'mongst the other Waiters, Sir!"
Her Majesty's Ministers, so far as I understands these sollem matters, don't seam to have been having a partickler cumferal time of it lately. Brown, who's quite a grate Pollytishun, or at any rate thinks hisself so, which I spose is pritty much the same thing, says, in his wulgar way, as they have been and had 2 or 3 slaps in the face lately as has a good deal staggered 'em, but in course he was ony speaking paragorically, as the chymists says, so I don't suppose as they was werry much hurt by 'em, and they most suttenly didn't show not no sines of 'em when, on Wensday last, they all marched in in triumph to receeve from the Rite Honnerabel the Lord Mare the proud assurance that in his Rite Honnerabel opinion, and in that of the Grand Old Copperashun over witch he so royally presides, they had nobly done their dooty, and well herned the werry hiest reward as he had it in his power to bestow, wiz., a reel Manshun Ouse Bankwet!
Praps if there was one of the werry Noble and Rite Honnerabel Gestes as didn't look quite at his hease, it was the forren Gent as is the Chanceseller of the Xchecker, and in course that's werry heasily accounted for. Weather men bes Tories, or weather they be Libberals, they all likes men as sales strait and sticks to their cullers, and, if it's posserbel, nales 'em to the Marst, and never ewen dreams of bawling 'em down coz the weather's a looking jest a little dusty. Howsumever these sollem thorts ain't quite the thing for such reel jowial Bankwets as that of Wensday, so I banishes 'em hence without no blessing.
The grate Conserwatif Cheefs seemed to thorowly enjoy the change, and to sum on 'em it must have bin a change indeed. Tork about Conserwatifs not liking change, how about changing the Ouse of Commons, with their spessimens of the Wulgar Tung, and their most rude questions, and their imperent mocking larfter, for the splendid Manshun Ouse, and its gorgeous Bankwet, and sitch an arty recepshun from onered Aldermen and uncommon Councilmen as amost broke sum of the new wine-glasses with shaking!
Puncshally as the sillybrated Manshun Ouse Clock struck harf-past seven the Prime Minister hentered the Hall, so there was no Hed Cook a cussing and a swearing in the hot regions below at his Chef-dooversbeing spylt with waiting. It was a speshally fine dinner, the Petty Gallatins o' aspect, and the Wenson, being about the finest as even I ever tasted.
The pore Epping Forest Depputy got pretty well charfed about where the Wenson came from, but he bore it like a man, and arsked for another slice. I was pleased to notice a great improvement in the way as the sacred Loving Cup was passed round, speshally among the Marshonesses and Cowntesses, there wasn't above 2 or 3 on 'em as wood grasp it with their bootiful little wite hands insted of gracefoolly taking off the cover and showing off their dimond rings wen it was hoffered to 'em.
As for the speeches, I thinks as the Lord Mare has about spylt us in that respec. His is allers short and sharp, and spoken out like a man, but most of the others was so slow and so dredfull careful, and so preshus long, that Brown and me both agreed as they was amost sollum enuff for poor Ministers as is out, rayther than for jolly Ministers as is in.
We was all werry much shocked, speshally us Hed Waiters, at hearing from the Lord Mare as how as sumbody at Guildhall had said as all militerry men was Imposters, and all naval men Tom Fools! But the Fust Lord of the Admiralty gave it him pretty hot in his absense, and said if as any tomfoolery was a goin on anywheres he knew who'd be a taking the lead in it! So Sir Wilfull Lawson will probberbly be a leetle more carefuller in future.
Lord Sorlsbury made a werry long speech, but all I coud make out of it was two rayther himportant fax. Fustly, that there isn't to be no grate Uropean War until after the 9th of nex Nowember, so I feels rayther sorry for pore Mr. Alderman De Keyser, and Seccondly, that if there is to be one anywheres, it will werry possibly be too near home to be pleasant, which I for one was werry sorry to hear, but I hardly thort that he meant it or he would not have made us all larf so by telling us, that the Members of the Ouse of Commons treated it like we men does our wives, that is, we has our own opinion on 'em in private, but we don't allow not nothink to be said against 'em in Public. Ah! my Lord Markiss, how one touch of Natur makes us all kings! Who'd ever have thort that a werry Prime Minister would have been troubled with a similar complaint to that as so offen trubbles a pore Hed Waiter.
Mr. Goshen apollergised for the absense of the pore 1st Lord of the Tresury, who was quite nocked up with setting up so late.
And so ended the last of the long seris of grand Bankwets of the rain of Lord Mare Hanson, a seris to be rememberd for many long years by all on us, as combining with all the reglar old lot, such a wariety of noveltys to all sorts and condishuns of sillybrated persons, as has never bin ekalled afore, and as will and down his name to a werry remote posteriority as Hanson the Magnifisent!
"What they're at I can't guess,"
Observes Dungeness,
"Then the plan you've not read,"
Responds Beachy Head,
"Fremantle went right on:
I saw him," says Brighton,
"Oh, that's all my eye!"
Ejaculates Rye,
"Well, he came down my way,"
Remarks Pegwell Bay,
"Yes, and Hewett's his target;
That's quite clear," adds Margate,
"It seems silly to me,"
Sneers Westgate-on-Sea,
"Humph! I think it quite real:
That I do!" replies Deal,
"And they think so on shore,"
Says the Light at the Nore,
"Well, now it's all over,
Thank goodness!" says Dover.
A Note full of Gaiety.—Loyal Love, the new piece at the Gaiety, requires a little compression. If the Authoress would only reduce it to one Act, and have that single scene supplied with a few catchy songs, there really is no reason why it should not serve some day as a very effective lever de rideauat the Savoy, as a capital foil to a Comic Opera. For the rest, Mrs. Basil Potter has greatly improved, Mr. Willard is (as usual) excellent, but the remainder of the company are unimportant. Scenery good, and dresses adequate.
Herr Wohlgemuth. "Ach, ya! You must haf hat a ferry coot Master! Your Foice has lastetso vunderfolly long!"
"You do not know the number of muzzled Ciceros who are sitting in the House of Commons, men who have come from the constituencies conscious of their power, anxious to render service to the State."—Mr. Goschen at the Mansion House.
What if garrulity be rife,
And what if bald debate,
Spun out in empty Party strife,
Has sealed the Session's fate!
What if the tap-room jest has sped,
And hot retort has stirred,
While threats to punch a Member's head
Have been distinctly heard!
Ah, what?—If but the House disclose
A score of Muzzled Ciceros!
What if things are not as they were
Some twenty years ago;
And manners that might make one stare
Are now thought comme il faut;
What if the tongue of Billingsgate,
The grace of Seven Dials,
Now modestly subserve the State?
There's one at them who smiles,
And points to where there sit in rows
A score of Muzzled Ciceros!
Nautical Superstition.—Mr. David Jones, of the Welsh Mercantile Marine, Shipowner, proposed to call a vessel recently completed the Eisteddfod. A Saxon seaman objected to that as an unlucky name, because any ship so denominated would be sure to spring a leek.
Formality sometimes is Scorn's twin sister—
The prefix to the Poet means disaster;
But though no Bard would be addressed as "Mister,"
How they all love to be addressed as "Master!"
Some doubts having been expressed in influential quarters as to the genuine character of the Manifesto alleged to have been recently put forth to the European Powers by Prince Ferdinand on his entry into Bulgaria, the following, whatever subsequent changes may have been diplomatically introduced into it prior to publication, may be confidently regarded as an authentic transcript of that document in its original form.
To the Crowned Heads of Europe, and others whom it does or does not concern, greeting, &c.
Be it known to those who have been interested in, and somewhat mystified by our recent movements, that we, Ferdinand the First, by the voice of the Regents, and the will of the Great Sobranje, elected Monarch of Bulgaria, wishing to make clear and explain why that we, having originally held aloof from any idea of acceptance of the post, and even having snubbed the Deputation who came to offer it to us in the name of the Bulgarian people, have apparently at the eleventh hour, to the exasperation of Russia, the consternation of the Porte, the indifference of Germany, the annoyance of Austria, the chagrin of France and the hearty amusement of England, suddenly turned round, and accompanied by a small portmanteau and a suite of two, accepted the situation and started on a penny steam-boat for Sofia, wish to make statement as follows:—
Having discovered upon inquiry that the palace required re-papering and was sadly out of repair, with both gas and water-rates seven quarters in arrear, while it appeared that both the throne and crown would have to be hired, and possibly only a lame omnibus horse available for our use at the Coronation procession, and taking in regard the fact that no guarantee was forthcoming that our allowance from the Civil List would touch anything like £150 a-year, we at first reluctantly decided, spite its undeniably flattering nature, to decline the offer so spontaneously made to us. And we conveyed as much to the delegates who received the news crestfallen, and were about to depart in sulky silence when a telegram arrived from Sofia of such an encouraging and startling description, that it seemed, to us at least, to put the question in an entirely fresh and original light, and in one that we felt might make us waver in our determination. It simply announced the fact that the Government, never doubting of our acceptance of the crown, had already taken the bull by the horns, and ordered at a local Ready-Made Clothing Establishment a complete brand-new Uniformfor us to wear the moment we set our foot on Bulgarian soil. "Buttons and all?" we asked. "Buttons and all!" was the reply. This gracious and patriotic, and quite unexpected act profoundly touched us. Indeed, it decided us; and when it was further intimated to us that the bill would not be sent in to us, but go to increase the deficit in the forthcoming Budget, we did not hesitate, but accepted the full responsibilities of the situation, and informed the Deputation that, spite the hostile attitude of Europe, we would go to Sofia, and at least "try it on."
Thus, and for this reason, we have started on our venturesome journey, whether or not to a successful issue the future alone can show. We have, however, made provision for emergency, and stipulated that, in the event of any sudden revolution obliging us to scuttle back again over the frontiers post haste, the uniform in question shall be regarded as our own personal property, and not be liable to be claimed as a royal perquisite, and altered to fit our possible successor. This, then, is the true statement of the reason that has induced us to assume the recent attitude that we have felt constrained to take in the face of the European Powers, concerning whom we may add, in conclusion, that their laughter if they are amused, or their howling if they are angered, are at the present moment equally matters of supreme indifference to us.
(Signed)
Ferdinand,
Prince Elect of Bulgaria.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Lords, Monday, August 8.—Curious debate in To-night Wemyss brings on |
Noble Lords made free use of their liberty. Wantage who, fresh from his command at Wimbledon, knows all about it, deplored the contingency. Spencer effectively brought the ultimate ends of his left-hand whisker to witness that driving-out of Volunteers from Camp would be "a public disaster." Harris hinted, on behalf of Government, that British tax-payer might somehow be brought into this domestic disturbance, of course with hand in breeches-pocket. Might indemnify George Ranger against loss real or imaginary, and so keep Camp for Volunteers.
House of Commons at the moment just entered Committee of Supply, pricked up its ears as rumour reached it. Sage of Queen Anne's Gate observes that, by merciful dispensation of providence rare in this direction, Lords cannot vote money in relief of Royal Dukes or otherwise, and Commons may have something to say about Wimbledon when question brought before it.
Business done.—Committee of Supply.
Tuesday.—Lords adjourned at 5.40 this afternoon. Peers left House as if bomb had exploded. Only Rosebery giving notice that early next Session he will "call attention to constitution of House of Peers, and move Resolution." Peers of older creation, like Brabourne, shocked; whilst Old Mother Hubbard—only just picked up a bargain set of robes, nearly new—very uneasy.
"These young Radicals," said Brabourne, adjusting his ill-fitting coronet, "never satisfied. Must always be bringing themselves to front, and reform everything. Why not leave our sacred House to itself. Rosebery, everybody knows, yearns after the Commons, an institution which I believe is situated in some parts of this building. I, for one, very glad to get rid of him. Will undertake, if I can get support (which I don't doubt), to bring in Bill, legalising Rosebery's dismantling himself, and his being qualified to sit in the Commons." Hubbard (forget his new name) offers to back the Bill. "Yes," said Brabourne, "that will do admirably. You'll stand for new Peers, and so whole House will be represented. Impossible that we, of the Ancient Peerage, can brook impertinence of this kind."
In Commons sitting impartially divided between Scotch votes in Supply, and Technical Education Bill, explained by Hart-Dyke. Hard to say which division duller. Scotch debate lightened by rather massive joke of proposing to reduce salary of Secretary for Scotland by £1,000. Unanimous protest of Scotch Members against this office being held by Member of House of Lords. If there was £1,500 to be pouched, why should not representative of the people have it, instead of being lavished upon bloated member of the aristocracy? Things looked so serious, that Lord Advocate put up to beg that Members be satisfied with discussion as far as it had gone, promising opportunity for renewal to-morrow, when (though didn't mention this) care will be taken to have present force strong enough to resist raid on Scotch office. Proposal unsuspiciously assented to.
Business done.—Supply.
Wednesday.—A nicht wi' Burns. A good drizzling Scotch mist from noon till Six o'Clock. Scotch Lunacy, Sheriff of Lanarkshire, Secretary for Scotland, Scotch Technical Instruction Bill were among subjects dealt with. Might have been going on now had not one of the Scotch Members, feeling his brain softening, moved the Closure. Old Morality woke up from his sleep in condition of righteous indignation. Here was audacity, indeed! An obscure Scotch Member presuming to poach on his preserves, to interfere with his sacred privilege of moving Closure! Began in tones of mingled sorrow and anger to protest. Speaker interposed. Reminded him that Closure motion could not be debated. Must be put forthwith. So done. Flood of talk stopped. Bill under discussion read Second Time, and Old Morality led out, pallid and palpitating.
Lord Advocate coming back from visiting him, finds passage obstructed by Arthur Balfour. Shall he jump over, or crawl under? Either difficult on August day for a stout gentleman. So whispers across barricade that "Smith's much cut up," and sits down on hither side.
Business done.—All Scotch.
Thursday.—Very small attendance in Commons. Considerably over forty remain on Opposition Benches to support Sage of Queen Anne's Gate's demand for Adjournment, in order to discuss cost and consequences of Drummond Wolfe's pic-nic in the East. Soon as gained consent, general exodus, and Sage cheerfully chats across deserted floor with Goschen, who takes incessant notes. John Dillon, who, what with intolerable interposition of Scotland yesterday, has not made speech since Tuesday, breaks in and shows that, next to Ireland, Egypt is most distressful country that ever yet was seen. Conversation drags along till after Ten o'Clock, when it dies of sheer inanition. Then Government Allotment Bill on. Harcourt makes discovery that it promises only one acre and no cow at all. Goschen hauled up again to whipping-post. Taunted with sudden conversion to principle of compulsion. True, didn't like compulsion. Had always said so, but "impossible for a single member of a Government to carry out his views on every point;" whereat Opposition grinned.
Business done.—Allotments Bill read Second Time.
Friday.—Some sensation in moderately crowded House at Question Time, when report ran round Benches that Sir John Puleston, Knight, was approaching. Slight reaction of disappointment when he entered. Vague, though prevalent notion, he'd come down in knightly costume, with vizor down (or up, as the case may be), armed "cap and pie," as Gent-Davis says, with lance in rest, and Squire in attendance. On contrary, lounged in just as if nothing had happened, with slightly preoccupied look and little start of surprise when congratulated on honour Government had done itself. "Oh! ah! yes! Know what you mean. Thanks. It's very hot, ain't it?" he said, making way through throng of congratulators. "Clywch! Clywch!" roared Abraham, humorously looking over newspaper announcing Knighthood.
"What's the matter with you?" I asked. "What are you clucking about?"
"I was only coughing in my native tongue," he said. "Clywch! Clywch!"
Various reasons suggested why Puleston made Knight just now. Howard Vincent says it's because he's the only Member for English borough that can pronounce the word "Eisteddfod," and knows the plural isn't "Eisteddfods". Whatever the reason, everyone heartily pleased. The new Knight, they say, will keep his own Table Round. Dean's Yard, Eight o'Clock. Dress optional.
Business done.—Row about Lords' Amendments to Irish Land Bill.
As "cross examination to credit," has recently been considerably developed by certain members of the legal profession, the following questions are suggested to students studying for call to the Bar, or admission to the roll of Solicitors, as likely to be peculiarly conducive to qualification.
To a Bishop.—When your Lordship was at school were you ever flogged? Will you swear it was not for committing petty larceny? Did you ever in your life steal an apple? When at the University were you ever sent down? Will you undertake to say that you have never been drunk? When you were two-and-twenty years of age did you ever swear or use profane language? Remember you are on your oath, my Lord, and answer this—will you dare to assert that you have never in the whole course of your life been guilty of conduct that had it been brought to light would not have been a proper theme for denunciation from your Lordship's own pulpit?
To a General.—Now, Sir, have you ever been accused of cowardice? Is it not a fact that some little time before you obtained your first commission you were known as "Tell-tale Tit"? Will you swear you have never been guilty of cheating? As a matter of fact, did you not frequently get a comrade to do your verses at Eton, and then allow your tutor to believe that you had written them yourself? Had a brother-General been guilty of such a crime, would you have not been forced to admit that it was conduct unworthy of an officer and a gentleman? As an expert in defining a standard of honour, will you venture to say that there is any difference in the degree of shame attaching to construing with a concealed crib and cheating at cards?
To a Queen's Counsel.—Now, Sir, will you——
But no, it will be unnecessary to prepare any questions for a Barrister, as he will know how to protect himself from insult.
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.