"MAY FARE WORSE!"

Mr. Arthur Cockburn will probably not want to see Mr. Baird in bed again, the penalty being two black eyes (no relation to the two that were lovely), and a cut nose. What's the good of being called Goode if you are going to get your eyes gouged out, and be beaten on the head with a poker, and, in fact worsted all round? But there, if one gentleman is "slightly intoxicated," while another is "undoubtedly drunk," and a third is "slightly mixed," there's no knowing what may happen. Did Goode "keep his hair on" when he got hit on the head with a poker? What a beautiful picture of genuine Mayfair manners it is! The case is still sub (Punch and) judice, and Mr. Justice Punch reserves his decision.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

Cassell's Cabinet Portrait Gallery. In Number One are met together the Duke and Duchess of Fife, Sarah Bernhardt as Theodora, and the Archbishop of Canterbury, the last very properly looking another way. In Vol. II. there is rather a nice one of Mrs. Stirling and Mary Anderson, but the photographer ought to have been more careful about the little finger of Mary's right hand. In Vol. III., James Payn, reading a manuscript, with his spectacles up on his forehead, is very good. The picture of H.R.H. the Prince, in uniform, is too dark, and his expression is severe. Charming and clever Miss Maud Millett is in Part IV., followed by the Duke of Westminster and Mr. Lewis Morris, the Poet looking so awe-struck, that he must have been taken by surprise, and been "struck like it." Miss Anna Williams leads off No. V., and, to express it musically, she is accompanied by the Duke of Connaught. Sir James Linton appears for the Water-colourists. In Part VI. the face of Mr. Frank Lockwood, Q.C., M.P., is full of light and shade, more light than shade, fortunately, and it is a really good likeness. The Duchess of Leinster looks lovely, and Sig. Piatti uncommonly wise as he guards his 'cello.

Neatly and concisely done is Mr. Besant's Captain Cook, published in the Macmillan Series of English Men of Action. He discovered the Society Islands, whence, of course, are obtained our present supply of Society Papers. The natives of these Society Islands made great use of their Clubs, some of which proved fatal to Captain Cook and his men.

Captain Cook, had he been alive now, would have been among the first to appreciate The Pocket Atlas, in which the names of the chief places are clear enough for all practical purposes. There are seventy-two maps, and the publisher bears the honoured name of Walker, though the map is not specially intended for the use of pedestrians.

Macmillan & Co.'s cheap edition of Charles Kingsley's works is deservedly popular; easy to carry, good clean type, so that those who ride may read. Two Years Ago is just out. By the way, the same firm's Charlotte Yonge and the other Kingsley Series, make a noble show in a library, on our "noble shelves." "Mac & Co."—i.e., the "Two Macs"—are to be congratulated; and, that being so, the Baron hereby and herewith congratulates them.

The Baron de Book-worms.

Mr. G's. Head.—A "Duke" writing to the St. James's Gazette last Thursday, joined in the discussion about Mr. Gladstone's head, and observed that hats shrink, and that certain hatters, exceptionally sane, whose evidence can be trusted, allowed for the decrease in size. But do they allow for this in the bills? Is the decrease there proportionate? Considering what Mr. Gladstone once was, a Tory of the Tories, and what he is now, is it to be wondered at that a considerable change should have been going on in Mr. Gladstone's head? Why he is finishing poles apart from where he commenced!

MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.

"The Police have a clue." Meaning—"The Police know nothing about it, and are doing all they know."

"An exceptionally experienced Detective has charge of the case, and is actively engaged in investigating all matters concerning it;" i.e., "A promoted constable in plain clothes is loafing about the neighbouring public-houses, and standing drinks, generally without the exercise of much discrimination, to unlikely people."

"A young Woman of prepossessing appearance;" i.e., "A rather showy female."

"The Police are, however, very reticent about the whole affair;" i.e., "When ignorance is rife, 'tis folly to give tongue."

"It is believed that the most important discoveries will result from the investigations now in progress;" i.e., "Nothing is known as to whether anything is being done: but it finishes off the paragraph, and sounds well."

"I am assured on the best authority, that there is no truth in the rumour that H.S.H. the Prince of Katzendlenbogen has been laid up with chicken-pox;" i.e., "As there's no news, I may as well invent some, for the sake of contradicting it."

"As everybody knows;" i.e., "I have a certain space to fill, and nothing new to say, so I'll tell an ancient story, or bring in Macaulay's New Zealander."

"As all the world knows," "except myself (the writer), who has met with the information for the first time in a most valuable book of reference."

"We regret to hear that, &c.;" i.e., "Our sorrow is tempered by the fact that we are utter strangers to the individual in question, and that his or her affliction provides us with a certain amount of 'copy.'"

"The hall was tastefully decorated;" i.e., two hired flags and an evergreen hoop.

"How are you? Haven't seen you for an age!" i.e., "Didn't expect to see you, and didn't want to."

"Not at Home;" i.e., "Doesn't she know that I've got a 'day?' Not that I want to see her even then!"

"Of course I should have known it anywhere. I think you've caught the likeness most wonderfully!" i.e., "Why the deuce doesn't he tell one whom it's meant for?"

"Small and early;" i.e., "No supper, and something which will count as 'a party,' at the least possible cost and trouble."

"The Management regrets that, owing to previous arrangements, the piece must be withdrawn in the height of its popularity;" i.e., "Not drawing a shilling, company fearfully expensive, sooner we shut up the better."

"House full! Money turned away nightly;" i.e., Crammed with paper, two persons who wanted to pay for pit were refused admission by way of advertising.

"The new Play will probably be produced during the Summer at a West End Theatre;" i.e., "The author has had his comedy returned by every Manager in London, with the remark, that 'although excellent, it is scarcely suited to his present company.'"

"It would ill become me, after the able and eloquent speech of your Chairman;" i.e., "What on earth is the name of that retired cheesemonger who talked rubbish, and mispronounced my name?"

"When I look at this splendid meeting;" i.e., "I wonder why those back benches are empty. Some bungling on the part of the Secretary, as usual."

"I shall have to return to this subject later on;" i.e., "Can't remember anything more at present."

"If we all work shoulder to shoulder;" i.e., "Must say 'shoulder to shoulder,' or 'shoulders to the wheel,' or, 'leave no stone unturned,' in every speech."

"Well, I don't care if I do!" i.e., "Haven't had a drink for half an hour—waiting for you to stand treat this ten minutes past."

"Ah! he's a Gentleman, he is, every hinch of him!" i.e., He has "parted" freely, or "tipped" liberally.

"He's about as stingy as they make 'em;" i.e., He has declined to be abominally overcharged.

"Could you tell me wot's about the right time, Guv'nor?" i.e., "Isn't it about time to send me up some more beer?"

"A Lady is desirous of recommending;" i.e., "Getting rid of."

"The Property of a Gentleman going abroad;" i.e., "Mr. Brooks (of Sheffield)."

"Owner's sole Reason for parting with him is"—i.e., "The one he omits to mention." (To be continued.)

"O RARE 'BEN'!"

In aid of The Actor's Benevolent Fund, the Irving Amateur Dramatic Club are going to give a performance of Henry IV. (Part I.), at the Lyceum Theatre, Saturday afternoon, March 29, when in consequence of H.R.H. The Princess of Wales having accorded her gracious patronage, the Welsh song will be sung by Miss Eleanor Rees on the stage, as Lady Mortimer, which will be a melodious illustration of rhyme and Rees-on. The Amateurs appearing for the Actors is as it should be. The President of the Club is Henry, not the Fourth, but the First, yclept Henry Irving, and the Vice, with numberless virtues, is Mr. Justin McCarthy, M.P., whom if it be Justin Pater (not Justin Martyr), we should like to have seen in spectacles in the Tavern Scene, as Francis the Drawer,—a drawer would have been an immense attraction. If Justin Junior could play the other Drawer, the attraction would be doubled. "Sure such a pair!" But we must not jest in too Shakspearian a manner. We hope the Actors' Benevolent will benefit largely by the acting of the Benevolent Amateurs. Let the Benevolent Public too go and see Henry IV. (Part 1st), and let them "part first."

THE NEW AMAZON.

Spectacular.—How is it that among the guests at the Livery Dinner—(ugh! horrid expression! Yet I dare say the dinner wasn't more livery than any other City banquet)—of the Spectacle Makers' Company, were not to be found Augustus Druriolanus, quite the best spectacle maker in London, and that from among the list of toasts as reported, Art, Literature, and the Drama were omitted? Through what spectacles do the Spectacle Makers see?

Reflection on the Recent Valuable Discovery at Canterbury.—If cremation had been the practice in 1228 there would have been no remains of Stephen Langton to-day. Without the remains of the Archbishop, is it likely that the treasures, historically so valuable, would have been permitted to come down to us?

Mr. C. M. Woodford has just brought out a book entitled A Naturalist among the Head Hunters. Ahem! It doesn't sound nice. Is it procurable at every hairdresser's?

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

House of Commons, May 9.—This has been great occasion for Windbag Sexton. Excelled himself, and there is no other point of comparison useful or usable. Saunderson, who always takes friendly views of his countrymen opposite, pleads that Sexton's windbaggism is partly due to his birth. In Ireland, he assures me, a mile is longer than in other parts of the Empire; and so, kind-hearted Colonel pleads, some allowance should be made for Sexton when he gets on the oratorical tramp. That's all very well; but, for a man to talk two hours and three-quarters in a so-called Debate, is even more than the national tendency towards exaggeration illustrated by the Irish mile will excuse. Why couldn't Sexton have windbagged on some day of last week? Suppose, for example, his self-sacrificing friends had made a House for him at a quarter to nine on Friday night, and he had then talked for three hours and a quarter?—or on Wednesday there was opportunity; whilst openings might have been made on Tuesday or Thursday.

"No, Toby," said Sexton, when I suggested this in interests of House and public time, "you're a well-meaning fellow, but you don't understand everything. You see in debate of this kind all principal men stand off till the last day. We might have twinkled on several days of last week, but we prefer to coruscate on last night. Sure of an audience; Whips out; crowds in; excitement everywhere. I and Harcourt, and Chamberlain, and Balfour, all save ourselves for the last night. Can't all speak, perhaps, especially if I get on first: but they must take their chance. With the Universe waiting and listening for me, other things and other people must stand aside. Very serious thing to disappoint the Universe."

So Sexton, rising at five o'clock, with the windbag conveniently disposed under arm, pumped and pumped away for two mortal hours, and an odd three-quarters that seemed more than mortal. Grandolph waiting to make a speech; Arthur Balfour longing to be at 'em. Members knowing what was in store, "expecting," as Sheehy said, that "every moment would be his next." But Sexton flowed on for ever, with aggravating pauses, with a smile of sublime, unruffled satisfaction, that made the position ten times as aggravating as it otherwise would have been. To smile and smile, and play such a villanous trick as this on a suffering House was worse than most disordered fancy painted.

"If," said Arthur Balfour, in one of his agonised asides, "the fellow did not undisguisedly enjoy such supreme happiness, our lot would be more bearable."

"Never mind," said Old Morality. "Bad enough, I admit. But do you know why persons are sometimes killed by having a charcoal fire in their bedrooms? Because the carbon of burning charcoal unites with the oxygen of air, and forms carbonic acid gas, which is a narcotic poison. So it is here. Sexton has got hold of some good points; he is not inapt as a speaker; if his inordinate vanity had only permitted him to be satisfied with occupying time of House for half an hour, or, say, three-quarters, he would have made damaging speech; as it is, he wearies House to death, swamps us all and himself in waste of verbiage, and the people he attacks escape in the general misery. In other words, his carbon of burning vanity, uniting with the oxygen of opportunity, forms a speech two hours and three-quarters long; which is a narcotic poison."

Mr. G., with the ardour of youth, and the training of an athlete, proposed to himself to hear what Sexton had to say. Accordingly took up convenient seat below Gangway. Stayed there an hour. Then walked back an altered man; shattered; aged; almost in a state of coma.

"Well, you ought to have known better," I said, somewhat sharply, having no sympathies with these vagaries.

"And I was so well and strong when I entered the House," Mr. G. said, wearily. "Quite elate with my correspondence with Tyndall. Didn't you think that a nice turn in the concluding sentence?—'My only desire is to meet you on the terms on which, long ago, we stood when, under my roof, you gallantly offered to take me up the Matterhorn, and guaranteed my safe return! Wouldn't trust myself on the Matterhorn with Tyndall now;" and Mr. G., warily shaking his head, walked forth in search of rest and refreshment.

Business done.—Mr. G.'s Amendment to Old Morality's Resolution on Parnell Commission Report negatived by 339 votes against 268.

Tuesday.—This has been Grandolph's night. Broke the silence of the still young Session with memorable speech; been in diligent attendance on Debate; sat through interminable speeches with patience only excelled by Mr. G.; sometimes looked as if were about to deliver his soul; but succeeded in bottling it up. To-night soul drove out the cork; burst the bottle, so to speak.

Grandolph a man of many phases. Tonight presented himself in his highest character; a statesman; a champion of constitutional principles at whatever expense to prospects and sensibilities of his most revered friends on Treasury Bench and elsewhere. Quite a new style of speech for Grandolph, testifying to remarkable range of his genius. Nothing personal: free from acrimony; inspired with profound, unfeigned, reverence for constitutional principles. Here and there a touch of pathos as he recalled former times when, as Dizzy said of Peel on a famous occasion, "they had been so proud to follow one who had been so proud to lead them."

Awful splutter in Ministerial circles. A gleam of delight flashed through the shadow when it was discovered that Jennings had rebelled against Randolph's new revolt. "Ha! ha!" said the Reverberating Colomb, after Jennings had made his speech, "the army has dismissed its general."

This all very well; not here concerned with Grandolph's relations with his Party or his faithful friend; merely note that the speech itself lifts Grandolph once more into the very front rank of political personages. The Liberal Party cannot ignore nor the Conservatives dispense with the man who made that speech.

Jokim not a particular friend of Grandolph's. "Leg quite on other boot," as Sheehy says. But he did the enemy a service to-night. To complete Grandolph's triumph it only required that some Member of the Ministry whose ineptitude he had demonstrated should rise and, with loud voice, ungainly gestures, drag the Debate down from the heights to which it had been lifted, debasing it by personal attacks hoarsely shrieked across the table at former friends and colleagues. Jokim did this amidst uproarious cheers from Johnston of Ballykilbeg, who began to think that, after all, there is something in the Right Hon. Gentleman.

Business done.—Old Morality's Motion carried.

Wednesday.—Attempt by some noisy outsiders who know nothing of House to make things unpleasant for Akers-Douglas, because House Counted Out last Friday. Said he has been wigged; assume he will retire. All arrant nonsense. Everybody in House, Conservative, Liberal, Dissentient, Irish, whatever we be, all know Akers-Douglas as one of best Whips of present generation. Assiduous, persuasive, courteous, yet firm; always at his post, never fussy, never cross, apparently never tired, he is a model of a Whip. His Party could better spare an occasional Secretary of State.

For purely business arrangements Ministers have a unique combination of three men. Old Morality, as Leader of House; Akers-Douglas, as Whip; and Jackson, as Financial Secretary, are strong enough to balance effects of any reasonable amount of blundering in high politics. They take care of the pence of efficiency and popularity, and leave the Markiss an occasional pound to spend.

Business Done.—New Irish Land Bill brought in, and cast out.

Thursday.—Teynham on in the Lords, but what he's on about the Lords only know, and not all of them. Something to do with Camperdown; Granville not entirely out of it; and the Markiss at least compromised. Teynham, standing at Cross Benches, holding on to the rail of Bench before him, as if he were in pulpit, swings about his body, turns to right and left, sometimes presenting his back to Lord Chancellor, whilst he contemplates emptiness of Strangers' Galleries. In plaintive voice, full of tears, he babbles o' Camperdown, green fields, nemine contradicente, and Standing Order No. XXI.

Pretty to watch Hobhouse whilst Teynham on his legs. Sits intently listening; first crossed one knee, then the other; puts his two forefingers together as if connecting the matter of Teynham's speech; gradually, as muddle grows thicker, two locks of hair on top of his head slowly rise and remained standing, as it were, till Teynham reseated himself. Most remarkable testimony to mental struggle. Even Hobhouse, having thus given his mind to it, couldn't make out what Teynham was at. As for Denman he, after first ten minutes of speech, flouted out of House.

"Toby," said he, passing me in the Lobby; "if this is what the House of Lords is coming to, I shall vote with Rosebery for its immediate reform. Don't like to say anything disrespectful of a Peer; but I must observe that Teynham is a little lacking in coherency. His observations fail in point; in short, if he were not a Peer I should say his mind was wandering. Whatever we do, Toby, let us be intelligent and intelligible. I trust I am not prejudiced, but I really can't stand Teynham."

Business done.—In Commons, Government defeated, in resisting Hamley's proposal to stump up for Volunteers.

Friday Night.—Trevelyan brought forward Motion proposing that Parliament shall rise at beginning of July, making up necessary time in winter months. Supported proposition in speech graceful and strong, a model of rare combination of literary art, with Parliamentary aptitude. After brisk debate, resolution negatived by 173 votes against 169. "A majority of four won't long stand in our way," said Charles Forster, who having, some Sessions ago, fortuitously found his hat, never now deserts it.

Business done.—Government vainly tried to get into Committee of Supply.

NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.