If for silver, or for gold,
 You could melt ten thousand pimples
 Into half a dozen dimples,
 Then your face we might behold,
 Looking, doubtless, much more snugly,
 Yet even then 'twould be damned ugly.

August 12, 1819.
[First published, Letters and Journals, 1830, ii. 235.]

FOOTNOTES:

[108] ["Would you like an epigram—a translation? It was written on some Frenchwoman, by Rulhières, I believe."—Letter to Murray, August 12, 1819, Letters, 1900, iv. 346.

Claude Carloman de Rulhière (1718-1791), historian, poet, and epigrammatist, was the author of Anecdotes sur la revolution de Russie en l'anneé 1762, Histoire de l'anarchie de Pologne (1807), etc. His epigrams are included in "Poésies Diverses," which are appended to Les jeux de Mains, a poem in three cantos, published in 1808, and were collected in his Oeuvres Posthumes, 1819; but there is no trace of the original of Byron's translation. Perhaps it is after de Rulhière, who more than once epigrammatizes "Une Vieille Femme."]

EPILOGUE.[109]

1.

There's something in a stupid ass,
 And something in a heavy dunce;
 But never since I went to school
 I heard or saw so damned a fool
 As William Wordsworth is for once.

2.

And now I've seen so great a fool
 As William Wordsworth is for once;
 I really wish that Peter Bell
 And he who wrote it were in hell,
 For writing nonsense for the nonce.

3.

It saw the "light in ninety-eight,"
 Sweet babe of one and twenty years![110]
 And then he gives it to the nation
 And deems himself of Shakespeare's peers!

4.

He gives the perfect work to light!
 Will Wordsworth, if I might advise,
 Content you with the praise you get
 From Sir George Beaumont, Baronet,
 And with your place in the Excise!

1819.
[First published, Philadelphia Record, December 28, 1891.]

FOOTNOTES:

[109] [The MS. of the "Epilogue" is inscribed on the margin of a copy of Wordsworth's Peter Bell, inserted in a set of Byron's Works presented by George W. Childs to the Drexel Institute. (From information kindly supplied by Mr. John H. Bewley, of Buffalo, New York.)

The first edition of Peter Bell appeared early in 1819, and a second edition followed in May, 1819. In Byron's Dedication of Marino Faliero, "To Baron Goethe," dated October 20, 1820 (Poetical Works, 1891, iv. 341), the same allusions to Sir George Beaumont, to Wordsworth's "place in the Excise," and to his admission that Peter Bell had been withheld "for one and twenty years," occur in an omitted paragraph first published, Letters, 1891, v. 101. So close a correspondence of an unpublished fragment with a genuine document leaves little doubt as to the composition of the "Epilogue."]

[110] [The missing line may be, "To permanently fill a station," see Preface to Peter Bell.]

ON MY WEDDING-DAY.

Here's a happy New Year! but with reason
 I beg you'll permit me to say—
 Wish me many returns of the Season,
 But as few as you please of the Day.[111]

January 2, 1820.
[First published, Letters and Journals, 1830, ii. 294.]

FOOTNOTES:

[111] [Medwin (Conversations, 1824, p. 156) prints an alternative—

"You may wish me returns of the season,
 Let us, prithee, have none of the day!"]

EPITAPH FOR WILLIAM PITT.

With Death doomed to grapple,
 Beneath this cold slab, he
 Who lied in the Chapel
 Now lies in the Abbey.

January 2, 1820.
[First published, Letters and Journals, 1830, ii. 295.]

EPIGRAM.

In digging up your bones, Tom Paine,
 Will. Cobbett[112] has done well:
 You visit him on Earth again,
 He'll visit you in Hell.

or—

You come to him on Earth again
 He'll go with you to Hell!

January 2, 1820.
[First published, Letters and Journals, 1830, ii. 295.]

FOOTNOTES:

[112] [Cobbett, by way of atonement for youthful vituperation (he called him "a ragamuffin deist") of Tom Paine, exhumed his bones from their first resting-place at New Rochelle, and brought them to Liverpool on his return to England in 1819. They were preserved by Cobbett at Normanby, Farnham, till his death in 1835, but were sold in consequence of his son's bankruptcy in 1836, and passed into the keeping of a Mr. Tilly, who was known to be their fortunate possessor as late as 1844. (See Notes and Queries, 1868, Series IV. vol. i. pp. 201-203.)]

EPITAPH.

Posterity will ne'er survey
 A nobler grave than this;
 Here lie the bones of Castlereagh:
 Stop traveller,      *       *

January 2, 1820.
[First published, Lord Byron's Works, 1833, xvii. 246.]

EPIGRAM.

The world is a bundle of hay,
 Mankind are the asses who pull;
 Each tugs it a different way,—
 And the greatest of all is John Bull!

[First published, Letters and Journals, 1830, ii. 494.]

MY BOY HOBBIE O.[113]

New Song to the tune of

"Whare hae ye been a' day,
 My boy Tammy O.!
 Courting o' a young thing
 Just come frae her Mammie O."

1.

How came you in Hob's pound to cool,
 My boy Hobbie O?
 Because I bade the people pull
 The House into the Lobby O.
  

2.

What did the House upon this call,
 My boy Hobbie O?
 They voted me to Newgate all,
 Which is an awkward Jobby O.

3.

Who are now the people's men,
 My boy Hobbie O?
 There's I and Burdett—Gentlemen
 And blackguard Hunt and Cobby O.

4.

You hate the house—why canvass, then?
 My boy Hobbie O?
 Because I would reform the den
 As member for the Mobby O.

5.

Wherefore do you hate the Whigs,
 My boy Hobbie O?
 Because they want to run their rigs,
 As under Walpole Bobby O.

6.

But when we at Cambridge were
 My boy Hobbie O,
 If my memory don't err
 You founded a Whig Clubbie O.

7.

When to the mob you make a speech,
 My boy Hobbie O,
 How do you keep without their reach
 The watch within your fobby O?

8.

But never mind such petty things,
 My boy Hobbie O;
 God save the people—damn all Kings,
 So let us Crown the Mobby O!
 Yours truly,
 (Signed)   Infidus Scurra

March 23d, 1820.
[First published Murray's Magazine, March, 1887, vol. i. pp. 292, 293.]

FOOTNOTES:

[113] [John Cam Hobhouse (1786-1869) (see Letters, 1898, i. 163, note 1) was committed to Newgate in December, 1819, for certain passages in a pamphlet entitled, A Trifling Mistake in Thomas Lord Erskine's recent Preface, which were voted (December 10) a breach of privilege. He remained in prison till the dissolution on the king's death, February 20, 1820, when he stood and was returned for Westminster. Byron's Liberalism was intermittent, and he felt, or, as Hobhouse thought, pretended to feel, as a Whig and an aristocrat with regard to the free lances of the Radical party. The sole charge in this "filthy ballad," which annoyed Hobhouse, was that he had founded a Whig Club when he was an undergraduate at Cambridge. He assured Murray (see his letter, November, 1820, Letters, vol. iv. Appendix XI. pp. 498-500) that he was not the founder of the club, and that Byron himself was a member. "As for his Lordship's vulgar notions about the mob" he adds, "they are very fit for the Poet of the Morning Post, and for nobody else." There is no reason to suppose that Byron was in any way responsible for the version as sent to the Morning Post.]

"MY BOY HOBBY O.
[Another Version.]

To the Editor of the Morning Post.

Sir,—A copy of verses, to the tune of 'My boy Tammy,' are repeated in literary circles, and said to be written by a Noble Lord of the highest poetical fame, upon his quondam friend and annotator. My memory does not enable me to repeat more than the first two verses quite accurately, but the humourous spirit of the Song may be gathered from these:—

1.

Why were you put in Lob's pond,
 My boy, Hobby O? (bis)
 For telling folks to pull the House
 By the ears into the Lobby O!

2.

Who are your grand Reformers now,
 My boy, Hobby O? (bis)
 There's me and Burdett,—gentlemen,
 And Blackguards Hunt and Cobby O!

3.

Have you no other friends but these,
 My boy, Hobby O? (bis)
 Yes, Southwark's Knight,* the County Byng,
 And in the City, Bobby O!
* "Southwark's Knight" was General Sir Robert Thomas Wilson (1777-1849), who was returned for Southwark in 1818, and again in 1820; "County Byng" was George Byng, M.P. for Middlesex; and "Bobby" was Sir Robert Waithman (1764-1833), who represented the City of London in 1818, but lost his seat to Sir William Curtis in 1820. All these were advanced Liberals, and, as such, Parliamentary friends of Hobhouse.

4.

"How do you recreate yourselves,
 My boy, Hobby O? (bis)
 We spout with tavern Radicals,
 And drink with them hob-nobby O!

5.

"What purpose can such folly work,
 My boy, Hobby O? (bis)
 It gives our partisans a chance
 Watches to twitch from fob-by O!

6.

"Have they no higher game in view,
 My boy, Hobby O? (bis)
 Oh yes; to stir the people up,
 And then to head the mob-by O.

7.

"But sure they'll at their ruin pause,
 My boy, Hobby O? (bis)
 No! they'd see King and Parliament
 Both d—d without a sob-by O!

8.

But, if they fail, they'll be hanged up,
 My boy, Hobby O? (bis)
 Why, then, they'll swing, like better men,
 And that will end the job-by O!
 Philo-Radicle."
 April 15, 1820."

LINES
ADDRESSED BY LORD BYRON TO MR. HOBHOUSE ON HIS ELECTION FOR WESTMINSTER.[114]

Would you go to the house by the true gate,
 Much faster than ever Whig Charley went;
 Let Parliament send you to Newgate,
 And Newgate will send you to Parliament.

April 9, 1820.
[First published, Miscellaneous Poems, printed for J. Bumpus, 1824.]

FOOTNOTES:

[114] ["I send you 'a Song of Triumph,' by W. Botherby, Esqre price sixpence, on the election of J. C. H., Esqre., for Westminster (not for publication)."—Letter to Murray, April 9, 1820, Letters, 1901, v. 6.]

A VOLUME OF NONSENSE.

Dear Murray,—
 You ask for a "Volume of Nonsense,"
 Have all of your authors exhausted their store?
 I thought you had published a good deal not long since.
 And doubtless the Squadron are ready with more.
 But on looking again, I perceive that the Species
 Of "Nonsense" you want must be purely "facetious;"
 And, as that is the case, you had best put to press
 Mr. Sotheby's tragedies now in M.S.,
 Some Syrian Sally
 From common-place Gally,
 Or, if you prefer the bookmaking of women,
 Take a spick and span "Sketch" of your feminine He-Man.[115]

Sept. 28, 1820.
[First published, Letters, 1900, v. 83.]

FOOTNOTES:

[115] [For Felicia Dorothea Browne (1793-1835), married in 1812 to Captain Hemans, see Letters, iii. 368, note 2. In the letter which contains these verses he writes, "I do not despise Mrs. Heman; but if she knit blue stockings instead of wearing them it would be better." Elsewhere he does despise her: "No more modern poesy, I pray, neither Mrs. Hewoman's nor any female or male Tadpole of poet Wordsworth's."—Ibid., v. 64.]

STANZAS.[116]

When a man hath no freedom to fight for at home,
 Let him combat for that of his neighbours;
 Let him think of the glories of Greece and of Rome,
 And get knocked on the head for his labours.
To do good to Mankind is the chivalrous plan,
 And is always as nobly requited;
 Then battle for Freedom wherever you can,
 And, if not shot or hanged, you'll get knighted.

November 5, 1820.
[First published, Letters and Journals, 1830, ii. 377.]

FOOTNOTES:

[116] [The lines were sent in a letter to Moore (November 5, 1820) by way of Autoepitaphium, "if 'honour should come unlooked for' to any of your acquaintance;" i.e. if Byron should fall in the cause of Italian revolution, and Moore should not think him worthy of commemoration, here was a threnody "ready at hand."]

TO PENELOPE.[117]
January 2, 1821.

This day, of all our days, has done
 The worst for me and you:—
 'T is just six years since we were one,
 And five since we were two.

November 5, 1820.
[First published, Medwin's Conversations, 1824, p. 106.]

FOOTNOTES:

[117] ["For the anniversary of January 2, 1821, I have a small grateful anticipation, which, in case of accident, I add."—Letter to Moore, November 5, 1820, Letters, 1891, v. 112.]

THE CHARITY BALL.[118]

What matter the pangs of a husband and father,
 If his sorrows in exile be great or be small,
 So the Pharisee's glories around her she gather,
 And the saint patronises her "Charity Ball!"
What matters—a heart which, though faulty, was feeling,
 Be driven to excesses which once could appal—
 That the Sinner should suffer is only fair dealing,
 As the Saint keeps her charity back for "the Ball!"

December 10, 1820.
[First published, Letters and Journals, 1830, ii. 540.]

FOOTNOTES:

[118] [Written on seeing the following paragraph in a newspaper: "Lady Byron is this year the lady patroness at the annual Charity Ball, given at the Town Hall, at Hinckley, Leicestershire...."—Life, p. 535. Moore adds that "these verses [of which he only prints two stanzas] are full of strong and indignant feeling,—every stanza concluding pointedly with the words 'Charity Ball.'"]

EPIGRAM
ON THE BRAZIERS' ADDRESS TO BE PRESENTED IN ARMOUR BY THE COMPANY TO QUEEN CAROLINE.[119]

It seems that the Braziers propose soon to pass
 An Address and to bear it themselves all in brass;
 A superfluous pageant, for by the Lord Harry!
 They'll find, where they're going, much more than they carry.

Or—

The Braziers, it seems, are determined to pass
 An Address, and present it themselves all in brass:—
 A superfluous {pageant/trouble} for, by the Lord Harry!
 They'll find, where they're going, much more than they carry.

January 6, 1821.
[First published, Letters and Journals, 1830, ii. 442.]

FOOTNOTES:

[119] [The allusion is explained in Rivington's Annual Register, October 30, 1820 (vol. lxii. pp. 114, 115)—

"ADDRESSES TO THE QUEEN.

" ... The most splendid exhibition of the day was that of the brass-founders and braziers. The procession was headed by a man dressed in a suit of burnished plate armour of brass, and mounted on a handsome black horse, the reins being held by pages ... wearing brass helmets.... A man in a complete suite of brass armour ... was followed by two persons, bearing on a cushion a most magnificent imitation of the imperial Crown of England. A small number of the deputation of brass-founders were admitted to the presence of her Majesty, and one of the persons in armour advanced to the throne, and bending on one knee, presented the address, which was enclosed in a brass case of excellent workmanship."—See Letters, 1901, v. 219, 220, note 2.

In a postscript to a letter to Murray, dated January 19, 1821, he writes, "I sent you a line or two on the Braziers' Company last week, not for publication. The lines were even worthy

'Of ——dsworth the great metaquizzical poet,
 A man of great merit amongst those who know it,
 Of whose works, as I told Moore last autumn at Mestri
 I owe all I know to my passion for Pastry.'"

He adds, in a footnote, "Mestri and Fusina are the ferry trajects to Venice: I believe, however, that it was at Fusina that Moore and I embarked in 1819, when Thomas came to Venice, like Coleridge's Spring, 'slowly up this way.'"

Again, in a letter to Moore, dated January 22, 1821, he encloses slightly different versions of both epigrams, and it is worth noting that the first line of the pendant epigram has been bowdlerized, and runs thus—

"Of Wordsworth the grand metaquizzical poet."

—Letters, 1901, v. 226, 230.]

ON MY THIRTY-THIRD BIRTHDAY.
JANUARY 22, 1821.[120]

Through Life's dull road, so dim and dirty,
 I have dragged to three-and-thirty.
 What have these years left to me?
 Nothing—except thirty-three.

[First published, Letters and Journals, 1830, ii. 414.]

FOOTNOTES:

[120] ["To-morrow is my birthday—that is to say, at twelve o' the clock, midnight; i.e. in twelve minutes I shall have completed thirty and three years of age!!! and I go to my bed with a heaviness of heart at having lived so long, and to so little purpose. * * * It is three minutes past twelve—''Tis the middle of night by the castle clock,' and I am now thirty-three!—

'Eheu, fugaces, Posthume, Posthume,
 Labuntur anni;'—

but I don't regret them so much for what I have done, as for what I might have done."—Extracts from a Diary, January 21, 1821, Letters, 1901, v. 182.

In a letter to Moore, dated January 22, 1821, he gives another version—

"Through Life's road, so dim and dirty,
 I have dragged to three-and-thirty.
 What have these years left to me?
 Nothing—except thirty-three."

Ibid., p. 229.]

MARTIAL, Lib. I. Epig. I.

"Hic est, quem legis, ille, quem requiris,
 Toto notus in orbe Martialis," etc.
He, unto whom thou art so partial,
 Oh, reader! is the well-known Martial,
 The Epigrammatist: while living,
 Give him the fame thou would'st be giving;
 So shall he hear, and feel, and know it—
 Post-obits rarely reach a poet.

[N.D. ? 1821.]
[First published, Lord Byron's Works, 1833, xvii. 245]

BOWLES AND CAMPBELL.

To the air of "How now, Madam Flirt," in the Beggar's Opera.[121]

BOWLES.

"Why, how now, saucy Tom?
 If you thus must ramble,
 I will publish some
 Remarks on Mister Campbell.
 Saucy Tom!"

CAMPBELL.

"Why, how now, Billy Bowles?
 Sure the priest is maudlin!
 (To the public) How can you, d—n your souls!
 Listen to his twaddling?
 Billy Bowles!"

February 22, 1821.
[First published, The Liberal, 1823, No. II. p. 398.]

FOOTNOTES:

[121] [Compare the Beggar's Opera, act ii. sc. 2—

Air, "Good morrow, Gossip Joan."

"Polly. Why, how now, Madam Flirt?
 If you thus must chatter,
 And are for flinging dirt,
 Let's try who best can spatter,
 Madam Flirt!
 "Lucy. Why, how now, saucy jade?
 Sure the wench is tipsy!
 How can you see me made
 The scoff of such a gipsy? [To him.]
 Saucy jade!" [To her.]

Bowles replied to Campbell's Introductory Essay to his Specimens of the English Poets, 7 vols., 1819, by The Invariable Principles of Poetry, in a letter addressed to Thomas Campbell. For Byron's two essays, the "Letter to.... [John Murray]" and "Observations upon Observations," see Letters, 1901, v. Appendix III. pp. 536-592.]

ELEGY.

Behold the blessings of a lucky lot!
 My play is damned, and Lady Noel not.

May 25, 1821.
[First published, Medwin's Conversations, 1824, p. 121.]

JOHN KEATS.[122]

Who killed John Keats?
 "I," says the Quarterly,
 So savage and Tartarly;
 "'T was one of my feats."
Who shot the arrow?
 "The poet-priest Milman
 (So ready to kill man)
 "Or Southey, or Barrow."

July 30, 1821.
[First published, Letters and Journals, 1830, ii. 506.]

FOOTNOTES:

[122] [For Croker's "article" on Keats's Endymion (Quarterly Review, April, 1818, vol. xix. pp. 204-208), see Don Juan, Canto XI. stanza lx. line 1, Poetical Works, 1902, vi. 445, note 4.]

FROM THE FRENCH.

Ægle, beauty and poet, has two little crimes;
 She makes her own face, and does not make her rhymes.

Aug. 2, 1821.
[First published, The Liberal, 1823, No. II. p. 396.]

TO MR. MURRAY.

1.

For Orford[123] and for Waldegrave[124]
You give much more than me you gave;
 Which is not fairly to behave,
 My Murray!

2.

Because if a live dog, 't is said,
 Be worth a lion fairly sped,
 A live lord must be worth two dead,
 My Murray!

3.

And if, as the opinion goes,
 Verse hath a better sale than prose,—
 Certes, I should have more than those,
 My Murray!

4.

But now this sheet is nearly crammed,
 So, if you will, I shan't be shammed,
 And if you won't,—you may be damned,
 My Murray![125]

August 23, 1821.
[First published, Letters and Journals, 1830, ii. 517.]

FOOTNOTES:

[123] [Horace Walpole's Memoirs of the Last Nine Years of the Reign of George II. ]

[124] [Memoirs by James Earl Waldegrave, Governor of George III. when Prince of Wales.]

[125] ["Can't accept your courteous offer [i.e. £2000 for three cantos of Don Juan, Sardanapalus, and The Two Foscari.] These matters must be arranged with Mr. Douglas Kinnaird. He is my trustee, and a man of honour. To him you can state all your mercantile reasons, which you might not like to state to me personally, such as 'heavy season'—'flat public'—'don't go off'—'lordship writes too much'—'won't take advice'—'declining popularity'—'deductions for the trade'—'make very little'—'generally lose by him'—'pirated edition'—'foreign edition'—'severe criticisms,' etc., with other hints and howls for an oration, which I leave Douglas, who is an orator, to answer."—Letter to Murray, August 23, 1821, Letters, 1901, v. 348.]

[NAPOLEON'S SNUFF-BOX.][126]

Lady, accept the box a hero wore,
 In spite of all this elegiac stuff:
 Let not seven stanzas written by a bore,
 Prevent your Ladyship from taking snuff!

1821.
[First published, Conversations of Lord Byron, 1824, p. 235.]

FOOTNOTES:

[126] [Napoleon bequeathed to Lady Holland a snuff-box which had been given to him by the Pope for his clemency in sparing Rome. Lord Carlisle wrote eight (not seven) stanzas, urging her, as Byron told Medwin, to decline the gift, "for fear that horror and murder should jump out of the lid every time it is opened."—Conversations, 1824, p. 362. The first stanza of Lord Carlyle's verses, which teste Medwin, Byron parodied, runs thus—

"Lady, reject the gift! 'tis tinged with gore!
 Those crimson spots a dreadful tale relate;
 It has been grasp'd by an infernal Power;
 And by that hand which seal'd young Enghien's fate."

The snuff-box is now in the jewel-room in the British Museum.]

THE NEW VICAR OF BRAY.

1.

Do you know Doctor Nott?[127]
 With "a crook in his lot,"
 Who seven years since tried to dish up
 A neat Codicil
 To the Princess's Will,[128]
 Which made Dr. Nott not a bishop.

2.

So the Doctor being found
 A little unsound
 In his doctrine, at least as a teacher,
 And kicked from one stool
 As a knave or a fool,
 He mounted another as preacher.

3.

In that Gown (like the Skin
 With no Lion within)
 He still for the Bench would be driving;
 And roareth away,
 A new Vicar of Bray,
 Except that his bray lost his living.

4.

"Gainst Freethinkers," he roars,
 "You should all block your doors
 Or be named in the Devil's indentures:"
 And here I agree,
 For who e'er would be
 A Guest where old Simony enters?

5.

Let the Priest, who beguiled
 His own Sovereign's child
 To his own dirty views of promotion,
 Wear his Sheep's cloathing still
 Among flocks to his will,
 And dishonour the Cause of devotion.

6.

The Altar and Throne
 Are in danger alone
 From such as himself, who would render
 The Altar itself
 But a step up to Pelf,
 And pray God to pay his defender.

7.

But, Doctor, one word
 Which perhaps you have heard
 "He should never throw stones who has windows
 Of Glass to be broken,
 And by this same token
 As a sinner, you can't care what Sin does.

8.

But perhaps you do well:
 Your own windows, they tell,
 Have long ago sufferéd censure;
 Not a fragment remains
 Of your character's panes,
 Since the Regent refused you a glazier.

9.

Though your visions of lawn
 Have all been withdrawn,
 And you missed your bold stroke for a mitre;
 In a very snug way
 You may still preach and pray,
 And from bishop sink into backbiter!"

[First published, Works (Galignani), 1831, p. 116.]