The Project Gutenberg eBook of Dolly Reforming Herself by Henry Arthur Jones.

Renie. [Throws her arms round Dolly affectionately.] You've always been such a true friend to me——

Renie. As we were going out at the garden gate, Captain Wentworth held out a letter behind his back for me to take——

Renie. But now his arm is wounded he couldn't manage it properly, and he dropped it. I hurried to pick it up, and then my husband noticed and insisted on reading it——

Renie. It wasn't so very bad, but my husband has chosen to jump to a wrong conclusion, and—oh, Dolly, you can help me!

Renie. If you'd only let me tell my husband that I was receiving it for you——

Renie. There was no address, and fortunately it was so worded that it showed that you weren't really guilty.

Dolly. No! You can't suppose I should let my own cousin make love to me in my own house?!

Renie. I don't know. When I heard yesterday he was coming, I quite made up my mind I'd have nothing to say to him! Dolly, free will must be an illusion, or else why am I always doing the things I don't mean to do. Oh, what shall I do?

Dolly. As you are completely innocent, you'd better ask your husband to forgive you.

Renie. Ye—es. No! As it is a perfectly pure and exalted attachment I shall take that ground—at any rate at first, and see what he says. You'll help me all you can?

Prof. [Very angry.] Not a word more, if you please. Mrs. Telfer, you have doubtless heard——

Prof. I leave for London to-night-to consult my lawyer. Mrs. Sturgess will, I trust, return to her friends until——

Prof. What explanation can be offered of language like this. [Reading from letter.] "From the first moment I saw you, I felt that you were entirely different from any woman I have ever met——" A monstrously inexact statement to start with. And a woman who is capable of practising such deceit——

Renie. [Through her tears.] What would be the use? With such a nature as his he could never begin to understand the loyal and exalted devotion which Captain Wentworth feels for me! No, all my life I have been misunderstood, misjudged, condemned! Let it be so till the end! Dolly, come and help me pack!

Prof. I am not severe. I simply register the inevitable sentence of the husband upon the wife who misconducts herself!

Dolly. Misconducts herself! She has merely had a little harmless flirtation——

Prof. In my wife a flirtation of this character [pointing to letter in his hand] constitutes grave misconduct.

Dolly. But that's perfectly ridiculous! Why it might happen to any woman! Dad, explain to him——

Matt. Professor, you're taking altogether a wrong view of this. Now this case you were pointing out to me in your own book [pointing to proofs]—Number forty-nine, Mrs. Copway. Remarkably handsome woman too!—[reading] "The injustice and cruelty of condemning this poor lady must be apparent to all." My dear Professor, before publishing this book you'll have to modify your theory.

Prof. I cannot modify my theory. I have spent ten years in collecting facts which prove it.

Matt. Then, pardon me, you must really look over Mrs. Sturgess's little indiscretion.

Matt. But you say that her action in receiving my nephew's letter was entirely due to the activity of certain atoms in the gray matter of her brain.

Dolly. Very well then, if her gray matter keeps on working wrong, what's the use of blaming her? You say yourself there's no such thing as free will——

Prof. Precisely, but I have always allowed that in the present low moral and intellectual condition of the herd of mankind, free will is a plausible working hypothesis.

Dolly. But it doesn't work! Free will won't work at all! Look at my own case! Do you suppose I should go on all my life having bills if I could help myself? [Catching Matt's eye, who looks at her gravely and holds up his finger.] Never mind my bills! Do make him see how wrong and absurd it is to punish poor Renie when there's no such thing as free will!

Matt. Dolly's right! She's only saying what you have so admirably laid down here. My dear Professor, you cannot possibly publish this book!

Matt. You cannot. Read that. [Giving the Professor the book and pointing out passage.] Surely after that you cannot condemn Mrs. Sturgess.

Prof. [Taking book, glancing at the passage.] Really, it's most annoying when one's own wife upsets——

Dolly. Yes! Yes! Well, why not act on your own first principles! You ought to be very sorry for poor Renie, considering all she has suffered.

Dolly. Yes, poor dear! You don't know what an awful struggle she has gone through between this unfortunate flirtation and her admiration for you.

Dolly. Yes. If I were you I should go upstairs, and be very sweet to her, and above all don't reproach her. We women can endure anything except reproaches——

Prof. [Looking at his proofs.] I must publish my book. And after all, as you say, it is useless to blame them for acting according to the——

Matt. The dictates of their gray matter when, bless them, they can't help themselves. My dear Professor, instead of condemning your wife you ought to be condoling with her, and doing all you can to get her gray matter into a healthy condition.

Dolly. No. Go straight to her and forgive her, and then I'm sure her gray matter will soon be all right. And what a triumph that will be for you!

Prof. It does offer a way out of the difficulty. In any case I must publish my book. [Exit.

Matt. [Shakes hands with him heartily.] Then I'll take it. Now be off as quickly as you can and let us make the best of it for you and her.

Dolly. No, Lu. If Renie gets out of this safely and if you behave yourself, I'll shake hands with you when you come back from India.

Lucas. You're taking this too seriously—you're taking it far too seriously! [Exit.

Dolly. Now that South Africans have gone up at last, and you won that splendid coup on them last week——

Dolly. You couldn't lend me—a few hundreds—till my allowance comes due? Just a few hundreds——

Matt. [In a low reproachful tone, shaking his head.] What? What? What? Sad! Sad! Sad!!

Harry. No. I'm going to keep a firm guard on it, but [very sternly] let me see those bills.

Dolly. [Creeps frightened up to the desk.] I'm sure you're going to lose your temper.

Harry. [Firmly.] No. I'm quite calm. Whose bill is that? [She hands him one timorously.] Fulks and Garner! Artist Furriers! More artists! [looks at total]—one hundred and twenty-four pounds. Well, I'm——

Harry. I should think I am Jobling. And you said you'd never enter their shop again!

Harry. [Reads.] Chinchilla toque, coat, muff and boa—eighty guineas—eighty guineas——

Dolly. You haven't seen it yet, it's just outside—I've a great mind to give you a great New Year's treat and let you see it on!

Matt. Hush! Harry! Let her put it on! Let's have a look at it, and see whether it's worth the money. Put it on, Doll. [Exit Dolly.

Harry. Sweedling is sweedling! It's part swindling and part wheedling! It's what every d—ee—d good-natured husband like me has to go through, when he's fool enough to put up with it!

Matt. Well, old boy, you'll have to pay, you know; it will come to that in the end.

Matt. And if Dolly has been a little extravagant, I must help her out with it to-morrow morning!

Matt. No, Harry, we won't. My room is just above here. Besides, the cook is going to give us a special New Year dinner, and I want to enjoy it. This New Year we'll start with a comfortable evening, please!

Dolly. Well? [He looks at it rather sulkily, walks away; she follows him.] Well? [Walking after him.] Well? Well?

Dolly. [Kissing him heartily.] And there! [Another kiss.] And there! [Another kiss.] And there! [Catches sight of the collecting box, goes to it, furiously sweeps it off its table on to the floor.] And there!

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DOLLY REFORMING HERSELF: A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS ***

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