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Punch, or the London Charivari

Volume 104, May 6th 1893

edited by Sir Francis Burnand

A PATHETIC LAMENT.

(Respectfully addressed to one of the Promoters of the Anti-Advertisement League by a Repentant Subscriber.)

TO BLACKHAM'S BOYS.

(The Australian Cricketers have arrived in England.)

Habeas Corpus Suspended.—What is wanted just now is a "J bez Corpus" Act.

An Airy Nothing.—According to a Radical paper "the poor man's tobacco pays 10½d. in the shilling to taxation, while the rich man's cigar pays only ½d. in the shilling to taxation." This may be very true, but is the question worth discussing? It is sure to end in smoke!

How they are served in Servia.—Among some interesting items, a telegram informed us how "the Young King presided at a Council of Ministers. The ceremonial is the same as during his father's time, only two guards stand at the door, and refreshments are handed round at short intervals." The italics are ours. Rather! What a pleasant Cabinet Council. Why isn't the convivial plan adopted here? Mr. G., in the chair, would knock the table with the hammer every ten minutes and call out, "Give your orders, Gents! the Waiter's in the room!" A real Harmonious Meeting.

THE FUTURE HOPED BY HAWKINS.

(A Cockney Carol by a cruelly-used Coster-Investor. With apologies to clever Albert Chevalier.)

["I desire to express, and I cannot do it too strongly, that there is no credit to be attached to the conduct of the directors in this particular case. It would be more satisfactory to me if directors had a proper sense of their responsibility. It is a cruel thing that people should be deluded out of their savings by high-sounding names. At the same time, there is no criminal law which will punish a director who scandalously neglects his duty, though he takes his money. I think the law might well be altered."—Mr. Justice Hawkins.]

Air.—"The Future Mrs. 'Awkins."

Query at some Fashionable Sea-side Resort.—Do the unpleasant odours noticeable at certain times arise from the fact of the tide being high? If so, is the tide sometimes higher than usual, as the—ahem!—odours certainly are?

Shakspearian Question to a Company.—(To be replied to in the negative.)—"What, are you Hansard yet?" (Mer. of Venice, iv., 1.)

Song for an Emperor after a (Friendly) Visit to Canossa.—
"Be it ever so humbling, there's no place like Rome!"

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, April 24.—House nearly Counted Out just now, although it's Budget Night and usual Resolutions not yet passed. Catastrophe averted, and sitting continued. Childers come back to old scene. Looking on from below Gallery, says it's the quietest Budget Night he remembers. Usually scene one of seething excitement. One or more Trades expect taxes affecting them will either go up or go down. Lobby besieged by anxious representatives. Nothing of the sort to-night. When Squire of Malwood rose to expound his mystery, Benches not fuller than on ordinary night. Of those present there was no speculation in the eyes they turned upon the Chancellor standing at table. The Squire, a great Parliamentary artist, attuned voice and manner to prevailing tone; avoided anything approaching oratorical style; plain business statement to make; accomplished it in fine head-clerkly manner.

An unfailing tradition about Budget Speech is that it shall contain at least one quotation from the Classics. Mr. G. from year to year observed this custom with splendid effect. Lowe's Ex luce lucellum is famous in history; nearly became the epitaph of a Ministry; certainly was the funeral wail over a carefully-constructed Budget. The Squire to-night felt bound to observe tradition; but in accordance with his nature did it modestly, adventuring nothing more recondite than citation of the familiar line that serves to mark Wren's resting-place in Westminster Abbey. Tommy Bowles took opportunity of remarking that he was "disappointed with the Budget." This mental attitude, though not quite unexpected, threw fresh gloom over proceedings, and talk, reduced to whisper, finally died out.

Business done.—Budget brought in.

Tuesday.—The young men behind Prince Arthur out on the war-path. "Tell you what," says Legh of Lyme; "let's have Bryce's scalp."

"By the Holy Roman Empire, yes!" cried George Curzon, to whom genial observation was addressed. "Let's get at him about his snubbing Sefton, in matter of appointment of Lancashire County Magistrates. 'Twill serve a double debt to pay. We'll have a lark—'Quelles alouettes!' as it is written in the French translation of Great Expectations, in the passage reporting conversation between Pip and Joe Gargery. Moreover than which, we'll put a spoke in business arrangements of Mr. G., and stave off Home Rule by so long."

"Be careful," said Prince Arthur; "ticklish subject, you know. They're sure to have Halsbury up, and there unquestionably was a degree of monotony about his appointments to Commission of Peace."

"Oh bother Halsbury," said Curzon, to whom nothing is sacred. "He's used to it by this time. You know what happened to the viper who bit the Cappadocian's hide? Halsbury's all right."

"Boys will be boys," said Prince Arthur, looking at them regretfully, and thinking of his own forty-five years. "But perhaps it will be just as well if I clear out;" which he did, and so missed a lively debate.

That Elderly Young Man, Hanbury, not in best form for such operations. Lacks lightness of touch. Henry James also better out of it. Gave performance serious turn, when he declared that in borough of Bury Bryce, as soon as he came into office, appointed eight Magistrates, all Liberals. That sounded very bad; Mr. G. looked serious; some disposition shown on Treasury Bench to draw apart from Bryce. All very well to talk about Halsbury's goings on; but if this sort of thing done by Liberal purists, things seem rotten all round. When Bryce came to reply, he quietly added to James's statement of case that, when he went to the Duchy, he found of eighteen Magistrates sixteen were Unionists, only two Liberals. He had, it is true, appointed six Liberals and two working-men, whose politics he did not know. Bury Bench, accordingly, now consisted of sixteen Unionists, eight Liberals, and two working-men. Members wondered if James knew that when he made his statement? Hoped he didn't. All very well with wig and gown on, and brief in hand; but House doesn't like this kind of thing in debate.

Curzon's statement about sad condition of Magisterial Bench at Southport, owing to machinations of an iniquitous Chancellor of the Duchy, turned out to be not more completely based on fact than was James's. But difference of manner in dealing with case, everything. No one took Curzon seriously, and so no harm done. His explanation of preponderance of Conservative Magistrates on Lancashire Bench delightful. As good as some touches of Dizzy, of whose younger, lighter manner, he much reminded old-stagers. It was true, he admitted that, on Lancashire Bench, preponderance of Magistrates was with Conservatives. (Chancellor of Duchy gave figures as he found them arranged when he came into office. On the Borough Benches, 507 Unionists, against 159 Liberals; on the County Bench, 522 Unionists, against 142 Liberals, a proportion of nearly four to one.) But how had it been brought about? asked the Strayed Reveller from the Corea. "Why, it is because the disturbing, mischievous policy of the Right Hon. Gentleman opposite" (this with indignant sweep of the arm towards Mr. G., feigning sleep on the Treasury Bench) "has driven into the opposite ranks most of the intelligent, respectable men, from whom Justices are chosen."

On Division, Vote of Censure on Bryce negatived by 260 votes; against 186. "I'm not sure," said Jokim, whose views of humour are limited, "that, what I may call the gain of three hours lost, is worth the price paid; to wit, the opportunity given to Bryce of disclosing the actual state of things in Lancashire in the matter of Magisterial Bench, and the consequent doubling of the Ministerial Majority."

"Well, as I remarked before," said Prince Arthur, who had come back for the Division, "Boys will be boys."

Business done.—Employers' Liability Bill, with aid of Closure, read Second Time.

Thursday.—Pretty to watch Mr. G. struggling with feeling of expediency against temptation to make a speech. House in Committee on Budget Bill; Jokim been discoursing at large on its proposals. Quite lively. Squire of Malwood looked on, listening with generous approval, albeit he was target for Jokim's jocularity. This time last year positions reversed. It was he criticising Jokim's Budget. Now it was Jokim's turn, and the Squire magnanimously stood the racket. Mr. G. sat by his side, an attentive listener, evidently strongly drawn to join in the fray. But it was plainly the Squire's show, and its direction must be left to him. When there followed long succession of eminent men discussing Budget, Mr. G. felt that if he remained any longer he must yield to temptation. Accordingly, withdrew from scene. Returned again an hour later; still harping on the Budget; the Squire had spoken twice, and there seemed nothing to be done but to work off whatever remaining speeches had been prepared in Opposition camp.

Dorington dragged in case of farmer, and small landowner; conversation turned on Depression of Agriculture; the Woolwich Infant presented himself to view of sympathetic House as specimen of what a man of ordinarily healthy habits might be brought to by necessity of paying Income-tax on the gross rental of house property. A procession of friends of the Agriculturist was closed by portly figure of Chaplin, another effective object-lesson suitable for illustration of lectures on Agricultural Depression. Mr. G., feeling there was no necessity for speech, had resolutely withstood the others. Chaplin at the table, proved irresistible. To him, Chaplin is embodiment of the heresy of Protection, Bi-metallism, and other emanations of the Evil One. When Chaplin sat down, Premier romped in, and, having delivered the inevitable speech, went off home, soothed, and satisfied.

Business done.—Budget Scheme passed through Committee.

Friday.—Almost forgot we still have House of Lords. Shall be reminded of their existence by-and-by. For the nonce, they are courteously quiescent, the world forgetting, by the world forgot. Just a little flare-up to-night. Ireland, of course; Camperdown wanting to know what about the Evicted Tenants Commission? Are the Government going to legislate upon it, or will they forbear? Selborne supernaturally solemn; dragged in James the Second as the nearest approach to any head of a Government quite so wicked as Mr. G. Lords much interested in this. Don't hear so much now of James the Second as we did when at school. The establishment of points of resemblance between Governments of his day and that presided over by Mr. G., a novelty in debate. Imparted to political controversy a freshness long lacking.

Just after seven, debate adjourned. For all practical purposes, it might as well have been concluded. But House doesn't get many opportunities of debate; not disposed riotously to squander this chance one.

Business done.—Commons had Morning Sitting; scrupulously devoted the last five minutes of it to public business.

Operatic Note,—There's not much magic about The Magic Ring at the Prince of Wales's until the Second Act, in which the extravagantly comic "business" of Messrs. Monkhouse and Kaye, the burlesque acting of Miss Susie Vaughan, and the comic trio dance between the two low comedians and the sprightly soprano, Miss Marie Halton, are worth the whole of Act I. When is burlesque not burlesque? When it is Comic Opera. Burlesque was reported dead. Not a bit of it, only smothered; and it may come up fresh for a long run, or at all events, "fit" for a good spurt.

Even the old-fashionedest Toriest of Tory Farmers are longing, hoping, and even praying, for the downfall of the Rain. If we don't have it soon, and it may have arrived ere this appears, Marrowfats, as articles de luxe, will be "Peas at any price!"

PANEFUL!

TO ZANTE.

(An Appeal. After E. A. Poe.)

New Name for It. (By a non-believer in the much-talked-of—and talking—"League."),—Imperial Fad-oration!

"IN THE KEY OF RUTHENE."

[The most gorgeous red yet discovered has lately been produced from the rare metal rüthenium.]

THE SCOTTISH TREVELYANDERER.

(Mr. Hozier's Version.)

[Mr. Hozier (on the Second Reading of the "Registration of Votes (Scotland) Amendment Bill") said, "the fame of Mr. Gerry, the Governor of Massachusetts, would sink into insignificance if this Bill were to pass. In future they would not talk of Gerrymandering, but of Trevelyandering.... Trevelyandering, however, was a game at which two could play; in fact, in the words of the poet, they might fairly say:—

Air—"The British Grenadiers."

Mr. G. "Shadowed."—Of course even Mr. G. cannot be "The Shadowless Man," except under the terms of that weird story, "which is impossible." The Police have arrived at one important point about the recently arrested Townsend. They now say, "We know that man, he comes from Sheffield."

CHRISTY MINSTRELS OF NO IMPORTANCE.

A WORK OF—SOME IMPORTANCE.

"Let who will give me a plot, I will write their dialogue." (Extract from Uncommon-place Book of Mr. O. Wilde.) Now when the author of A Woman of No Importance and of Lady Windermere's Fan has to find his own materials for a plot ("'Play-wrights' materials for plots made up.' Idea for Literary and Dramatic Advertisement" Note-book, O. W.)—well, he does find them, and makes them his own. ("Adoption not adaptation. A clear distinction.—N.B. I confer the 'distinction'" O. W.) Certainly "Our Oscar" possesses the happy knack of turning out some well-polished epigrams up to Drawing-room date. And so it happens that, during the first two Acts, when Mr. Wilde's dramatis personæ are all gathered together, with nothing to do and plenty to say, their conversation is light and airy, with an occasional sparkler coming out ("A summer night, with, at intervals, a brilliant meteor flashing through the sky." Uncom. P. B., O. W.), that crackles, goes pop like the weasel of the old song, and "then is heard no more," as was the case with Macbeth's poor player, and, as he was a poor player, his fate was not undeserved.—(Mem. "A Lady Nickleby or Duchesse de Malapropos, to misquote.—For example, she might say, as quoting Shakspeare, 'Life's but a walking candle.'" O. W.)

We all remember how poor Mr. Dick couldn't keep King Charles's Head out of his manuscript. The Author of No Importance is similarly affected. Left to himself for a plot, he cannot keep melodrama out of his play, and what ought to have been a comedy pure and simple (or the reverse) drops suddenly into old-fashioned theatrical melodrama. During the first two Acts Lady Hunstanton, Lady Caroline Pontefract, Mrs. Allonby, Lord Illingworth, The Venerable James Daubeny, D.D., talk on pleasantly enough until interrupted by the sudden apparition of the aforesaid King Charles the First's Head, represented by the wearisome tirades, tawdry, cheap, and conventional, belonging to the Lytton-Bulwerian-Money period of the Drama, of which a considerable proportion falls to the share of the blameless Miss Julia Neilson, who, as la belle Américaine, Hester Worsley, in her attitude towards her audience, resembles the blessed Glendoveer, inasmuch as it is "hers to talk, and ours to hear." Deeply, too, does everyone sympathise with lively Mrs. Bernard Beere, who, as Mrs. Arbuthnot, a sort of up-to-date Mrs. Haller, is condemned to do penance in a kind of magpie costume of black velvet, relieved by a dash of white, rather calling to mind the lady whom Charles Dickens described as "Hamlet's Aunt," her funereal attire being relieved by a whitened face with tear-reddened eyes. It is these two characters, with Gerald Arbuthnot, Mr. Fred Terry, who, like the three gruesome personages in Don Giovanni, will intrude themselves into what might have been a pleasant, interesting comedy of modern manners, if only it had had a good comedy plot.

Taken as a whole, the acting is admirable. Mr. Tree, as the titled cad, Lord Illingworth, is perfect in make-up and manner. Certainly one of the many best things he has done. It is a companion portrait to the other wicked nobleman in The Dancing Girl. ("There is another and a worse wicked nobleman" N. B., O. W.) But this is no fault, and, indeed, it would be difficult, if not impossible, to find fault with Mr. Tree's Lord Illingworth. Mrs. Tree as Mrs. Allonby, is a very charming battledore in the game of repartee-shuttlecock, who with eight other principal characters in the piece, has nothing whatever to do with the plot. To the character of Lady Hunstanton, as written in the Mrs. Nickleby vein, and as played by Miss Rose Leclercq, the success is mainly due; and "for this relief much thanks." It is here and in the comedy characters of the Archdeacon (Mr. Kemble excellent in this) and of Lady Caroline Pontefract (who couldn't have a better representation than Miss Le Thière) that Mr. O. Wilde shows what he can do as a writer of comedy, both in the quality of the material and its introduction at the right moment. ("The right speech at the wrong moment, or the wrong speech at the right moment, both are fatal. Thus is it that comedies become tragedies, and tragedies comedies." U.P.N.B., O. W.) At the Haymarket the "play's" not "the thing," it is the playing. ("Likewise the writing," O. W.)

However, it is not for the plot, or for the Bulwery-Lyttony orations, or for the familiar melodramatic situations that audiences will seek the Haymarket. No, it will be to hear the Christy-Minstrel epigrammatic dialogue in the first two Acts, to laugh heartily at Miss Leclercq as Lady Nickleby Hunstanton, to smile on the Archdeacon and Lady Caroline, and to enjoy the first-rate acting all round.

MEMS, FROM THE O. W. UNCOMMONPLACE BOOK.

"Essentials for success of modern play are 'Latitude and Platitude.' First being risky is saved by second."

Receipt for Play-making.—First catch your epigrams: preserve them for use: serve with sauce piquante un pen risquée distributed impartially among a variety of non-essential dramatis personæ, invented for the purpose. Provide fine old crusted copybook moral sentiments, to suit bourgeois palate: throw in the safe situation of some one concealed, behind door or window, listening to private conversation. Add one well-tried effective dramatic situation to bring down curtain on penultimate Act, and there's a stage-dish to set before the appreciative B. P., if only it can be presented to them effectively garnished by a clever and popular Manager at a first-class theatre.

FLOWERS OF FASHION.

The Botanical Afternoon Fête of last Wednesday was a brilliant gathering in brilliant weather. Privileged is "the Inner Circle" to have in its midst these lovely gardens. "The Flowers that bloom in the Spring, tra la!" were all out uncommonly early—long before the earliest worm, which hasn't a chance against these very early risers. "All a-growing!" on the part of the flowers, and "all a-blowing" on the part of the Band of the Second Life Guards. Among the distinguished company present we noticed the Crimson Queen, looking immensely well, the blushing Duchess of Albany, the Duchesse de Vallombrosa, Admiral Courbet, in a striking costume of "deep yellow splashed with red" (where had he been?), the Ladies Daphne Pink and Callas White, and Maréchal Niel. For "Uriah Heep," who "loves to be 'umble," a Silver Medal was awarded to Mr. Pike. "The prize, that's my point," observed the sharp Pike. Funny Fish Pike.

A Penny Wise.—The new import of the latest Budget may be aptly called "A Penny for your Thoughts," as no one pays a tax upon his income as it really exists, but as (for Income-tax assessment purposes) he believes it to be.

THE PICK OF THE R.A. PICTURES.