DON DIEGO.—I hope, sir, this day's proceeding will convince you of the sincerity of your old friend Diego, and the treachery of Sir Roger.
JOHN BULL.—What's the matter now?
DON DIEGO.—You have been endeavouring, for several years, to have justice done upon that rogue Jack, but, what through the remissness of constables, justices, and packed juries, he has always found the means to escape.
JOHN BULL.—What then?
DON DIEGO.—Consider, then, who is your best friend: he that would have brought him to condign punishment, or he that has saved him? By my persuasion Jack had hanged himself, if Sir Roger had not cut him down.
JOHN BULL.—Who told you that Sir Roger has done so?
DON DIEGO.—You seem to receive me coldly: methinks my services deserve a better return.
JOHN BULL.—Since you value yourself upon hanging this poor scoundrel, I tell you, when I have any more hanging work, I'll send for thee: I have some better employment for Sir Roger. In the meantime, I desire the poor fellow may be looked after. When he first came out of the north country into my family, under the pretended name of Timothy Trim, the fellow seemed to mind his loom and his spinning-wheel, till somebody turned his head; then he grew so pragmatical, that he took upon him the government of my whole family: I could never order anything, within or without doors, but he must be always giving his counsel, forsooth: nevertheless, tell him I will forgive what is past; and if he would mind his business for the future, and not meddle out of his own sphere, he will find that John Bull is not of a cruel disposition.
DON DIEGO.—Yet all your skilful physicians say that nothing can recover your mother but a piece of Jack's liver boiled in her soup.
JOHN BULL.—Those are quacks. My mother abhors such cannibals' food. She is in perfect health at present. I would have given many a good pound to have had her so well some time ago.* There are indeed two or three troublesome old nurses that, because they believe I am tender-hearted, will never let me have a quiet night's rest with knocking me up: "Oh, sir, your mother is taken extremely ill; she is fallen into a fainting fit; she has a great emptiness, wants sustenance." This is only to recommend themselves for their great care. John Bull, as simple as he is, understands a little of a pulse.
Where I think I left John Bull, sitting between Nic. Frog and Lewis Baboon, with his arms akimbo, in great concern to keep Lewis and Nic. asunder. As watchful as he was, Nic. found the means now and then to steal a whisper, and by a cleanly conveyance under the table to slip a short note into Lewis's hand, which Lewis as slyly put into John's pocket, with a pinch or a jog to warn him what he was about. John had the curiosity to retire into a corner to peruse those billets doux* of Nic.'s, wherein he found that Nic. had used great freedoms both with his interest and reputation. One contained these words: "Dear Lewis, thou seest clearly that this blockhead can never bring his matters to bear. Let thee and me talk to-night by ourselves at the 'Rose,' and I'll give thee satisfaction." Another was thus expressed: "Friend Lewis, has thy sense quite forsaken thee to make Bull such offers? Hold fast, part with nothing, and I will give thee a better bargain, I'll warrant thee!"
In some of his billets he told Lewis "That John Bull was under his guardianship; that the best part of his servants were at his command; that he could have John gagged and bound whenever he pleased by the people of his own family." In all these epistles, blockhead, dunce, ass, coxcomb, were the best epithets he gave poor John. In others he threatened,* "That he, Esquire South, and the rest of the tradesmen, would lay Lewis down upon his back and beat out his teeth if he did not retire immediately and break up the Meeting."
I fancy I need not tell my reader that John often changed colour as he read, and that his fingers itched to give Nic. a good slap on the chops, but he wisely moderated his choleric temper. *"I saved this fellow," quoth he, "from the gallows when he ran away from his last master, because I thought he was harshly treated; but the rogue was no sooner safe under my protection than he began to lie, pilfer, and steal like the devil. When I first set him up in a warm house he had hardly put up his sign when he began to debauch my best customers from me. *Then it was his constant practice to rob my fish-ponds, not only to feed his family, but to trade with the fishmongers. I connived at the fellow till he began to tell me that they were his as much as mine. In my manor of *Eastcheap, because it lay at some distance from my constant inspection, he broke down my fences, robbed my orchards, and beat my servants."
"When I used to reprimand him for his tricks he would talk saucily, lie, and brazen it out as if he had done nothing amiss. 'Will nothing cure thee of thy pranks, Nic.?' quoth I; 'I shall be forced some time or other to chastise thee.' The rogue got up his cane and threatened me, and was well thwacked for his pains. But I think his behaviour at this time worst of all; after I have almost drowned myself to keep his head above water, he would leave me sticking in the mud, trusting to his goodness to help me out. After I have beggared myself with his troublesome lawsuit, with a plague to him! he takes it in mighty dudgeon because I have brought him here to end matters amicably, and because I won't let him make me over by deed and indenture as his lawful cully, which to my certain knowledge he has attempted several times. But, after all, canst thou gather grapes from thorns? Nic. does not pretend to be a gentleman; he is a tradesman, a self-seeking wretch. But how camest thou to hear all this, John? The reason is plain; thou conferrest the benefits and he receives them; the first produces love, and the last ingratitude. Ah Nic., Nic., thou art a damned dog, that's certain; thou knowest too well that I will take care of thee, else thou wouldst not use me thus. I won't give thee up, it is true; but as true as it is, thou shalt not sell me, according to thy laudable custom." While John was deep in this soliloquy Nic. broke out into the following protestation:—
"Gentlemen,—I believe everybody here present will allow me to be a very just and disinterested person. My friend John Bull here is very angry with me, forsooth, because I won't agree to his foolish bargains. Now I declare to all mankind I should be ready to sacrifice my own concerns to his quiet, but the care of his interest, and that of the honest tradesmen* that are embarked with us, keeps me from entering into this composition. What shall become of those poor creatures? The thoughts of their impending ruin disturb my night's rest; therefore I desire they may speak for themselves. If they are willing to give up this affair, I sha'n't make two words of it."
John Bull begged him to lay aside that immoderate concern for him, and withal put him in mind that the interest of those tradesmen had not sat quite so heavy upon him some years ago on a like occasion. Nic. answered little to that, but immediately pulled out a boatswain's whistle. Upon the first whiff the tradesmen came jumping into the room, and began to surround Lewis like so many yelping curs about a great boar; or, to use a modester simile, like duns at a great lord's levee the morning he goes into the country. One pulled him by his sleeve, another by the skirt, a third hallooed in the ear. They began to ask him for all that had been taken from their forefathers by stealth, fraud, force, or lawful purchase. Some asked for manors, others for acres that lay convenient for them; that he would pull down his fences, level his ditches. All agreed in one common demand that he should be purged, sweated, vomited, and starved, till he came to a sizeable bulk like that of his neighbours. One modestly asked him leave to call him brother. Nic. Frog demanded two things—to be his porter and his fishmonger, to keep the keys of his gates and furnish the kitchen. John's sister Peg only desired that he would let his servants sing psalms a-Sundays. Some descended even to the asking of old clothes, shoes and boots, broken bottles, tobacco-pipes, and ends of candles.
"Monsieur Bull," quoth Lewis, "you seem to be a man of some breeding; for God's sake use your interest with these Messieurs, that they would speak but one at once; for if one had a hundred pair of hands, and as many tongues, he cannot satisfy them all at this rate." John begged they might proceed with some method; then they stopped all of a sudden and would not say a word. "If this be your play," quoth John, "that we may not be like a Quaker's dumb meeting, let us begin some diversion; what d'ye think of rouly-pouly or a country dance? What if we should have a match at football? I am sure we shall never end matters at this rate."
NIC. FROG.—With all my heart; I love exact dealing. And let Hocus audit; he knows how the money was disbursed.
JOHN BULL.—I am not much for that at present; we'll settle it between ourselves. Fair and square, Nic., keeps friends together. There have been laid out in this lawsuit, at one time, 36,000 pounds and 40,000 crowns. In some cases I, in others you, bear the greatest proportion.
NIC FROG.—Right; I pay three-fifths of the greatest number, and you pay two-thirds of the lesser number. I think this is fair and square, as you call it.
JOHN BULL.—Well, go on.
NIC FROG.—Two-thirds of 36,000 pounds are 24,000 pounds for your share, and there remains 12,000 for mine. Again, of the 40,000 crowns I pay 24,000, which is three-fifths, and you pay only 16,000, which is two-fifths; 24,000 crowns make 6,000 pounds, and 16,000 crowns make 4,000 pounds; 12,000 and 16,000 make 18,000, 24,000 and 4,000 make 28,000. So there are 18,000 pounds to my share of the expenses, and 28,000 to yours.
After Nic. had bamboozled John awhile about the 18,000 and the 28,000, John called for counters; but what with sleight of hand, and taking from his own score and adding to John's, Nic. brought the balance always on his own side.
JOHN BULL.—Nay, good friend Nic., though I am not quite so nimble in the fingers, I understand ciphering as well as you. I will produce you my accounts one by one, fairly writ out of my own books; and here I begin with the first. You must excuse me if I don't pronounce the law terms right.
[John reads.]
For the expenses ordinary of the suits, fees to judges, puisne judges, lawyers innumerable of all sorts:—
John having read over his articles, with the respective sums, brought in Frog debtor to him upon the balance, 3,382 pounds 12 shillings.
Then Nic. Frog pulled his bill out of his pocket, and began to read.
Nicholas Frog's Account.
Remains to be deducted out of the former Account.
And summing all up, found due upon the balance by John Bull to Nic. Frog, 9 pounds 4 shillings and 6 pence.
JOHN BULL.—As for your venire facias, I have paid you for one already; in the other I believe you will be nonsuited. I'll take care of my nephew myself. Your coach-hire and family charges are most unreasonable deductions; at that rate, I can bring in any man in the world my debtor. But who the devil are those two majors that consume all my money? I find they always run away with the balance in all accounts.
NIC. FROG.—Two very honest gentlemen, I assure you, that have done me some service. To tell you plainly, Major Ab. denotes thy greater ability, and Major Will. thy greater willingness to carry on this lawsuit. It was but reasonable thou shouldst pay both for thy power and thy positiveness.
JOHN BULL.—I believe I shall have those two honest majors' discount on my side in a little time.
NIC. FROG.—Why all this higgling with thy friend about such a paltry sum? Does this become the generosity of the noble and rich John Bull? I wonder thou art not ashamed. Oh, Hocus! Hocus! where art thou? It used to go another-guess manner in thy time. When a poor man has almost undone himself for thy sake, thou art for fleecing him, and fleecing him. Is that thy conscience, John?
JOHN BULL.—Very pleasant, indeed! It is well known thou retainest thy lawyers by the year, so a fresh lawsuit adds but little to thy expenses; they are thy customers;* I hardly ever sell them a farthing's-worth of anything. Nay, thou hast set up an eating-house, where the whole tribe of them spend all they can rap or run. If it were well reckoned, I believe thou gettest more of my money than thou spendest of thy own. However, if thou wilt needs plead poverty, own at least that thy accounts are false.
NIC. FROG.—No, marry won't I; I refer myself to these honest gentlemen—let them judge between us. Let Esquire South speak his mind, whether my accounts are not right, and whether we ought not to go on with our lawsuit.
JOHN BULL.—Consult the butchers about keeping of Lent. Dost think that John Bull will be tried by piepowders? I tell you, once for all, John Bull knows where his shoe pinches. None of your esquires shall give him the law as long as he wears this trusty weapon by his side, or has an inch of broadcloth in his shop.
NIC. FROG.—Why, there it is: you will be both judge and party. I am sorry thou discoverest so much of thy headstrong humour before these strange gentlemen; I have often told thee it would prove thy ruin some time or other. Let it never be said that the famous John Bull has departed in despite of Court.
JOHN BULL.—And will it not reflect as much on thy character, Nic., to turn barretter in thy old days—a stirrer-up of quarrels amongst thy neighbours? I tell thee, Nic., some time or other thou wilt repent this.
But John saw clearly he should have nothing but wrangling, and that he should have as little success in settling his accounts as ending the composition. "Since they will needs overload my shoulders," quoth John, "I shall throw down the burden with a squash amongst them, take it up who dares. A man has a fine time of it amongst a combination of sharpers that vouch for one another's honesty. John, look to thyself; old Lewis makes reasonable offers. When thou hast spent the small pittance that is left, thou wilt make a glorious figure when thou art brought to live upon Nic. Frog and Esquire South's generosity and gratitude. If they use thee thus when they want thee, what will they do when thou wantest them? I say again, John, look to thyself."
John wisely stifled his resentments, and told the company that in a little time he should give them law, or something better.
ALL.—*Law! law! sir, by all means. What is twenty-two poor years towards the finishing a lawsuit? For the love of God, more law, sir!
JOHN BULL.—Prepare your demands how many years more of law you want, that I may order my affairs accordingly. In the meanwhile, farewell.
Nic. Frog, who thought of nothing but carrying John to the market, and there disposing of him as his own proper goods, was mad to find that John thought himself now of age to look after his own affairs. He resolved to traverse this new project, and to make him uneasy in his own family. He had corrupted or deluded most of his servants into the most extravagant conceits in the world: that their master was run mad, and wore a dagger in one pocket and poison in the other; that he had sold his wife and children to Lewis, disinherited his heir, and was going to settle his estate upon a parish-boy; that if they did not look after their master, he would do some very mischievous thing. When John came home, he found a more surprising scene than any he had yet met with, and that you will say was somewhat extraordinary.
He called his cook-maid Betty to bespeak his dinner. Betty told him "That she begged his pardon, she could not dress dinner till she knew what he intended to do with his will." "Why, Betty," quoth John, "thou art not run mad, art thou? My will at present is to have dinner." "That may be," quoth Betty, "but my conscience won't allow me to dress it till I know whether you intend to do righteous things by your heir." "I am sorry for that, Betty," quoth John; "I must find somebody else, then." Then he called John the barber. "Before I begin," quoth John, "I hope your honour won't be offended if I ask you whether you intend to alter your will? If you won't give me a positive answer your beard may grow down to your middle for me." "'Igad, so it shall," quoth Bull, "for I will never trust my throat in such a mad fellow's hands. Where's Dick the butler?" "Look ye," quoth Dick, "I am very willing to serve you in my calling, d'you see, but there are strange reports, and plain-dealing is best, d'ye see. I must be satisfied if you intend to leave all to your nephew and if Nic. Frog is still your executor, d'ye see. If you will not satisfy me as to these points you may drink with the ducks." "And so I will," quoth John, "rather than keep a butler that loves my heir better than myself." Hob the shoemaker, and Pricket the tailor, told him they would most willingly serve him in their several stations if he would promise them never to talk with Lewis Baboon, and let Nicholas Frog, linen-draper, manage his concerns; that they could neither make shoes nor clothes to any that were not in good correspondence with their worthy friend Nicholas.
JOHN BULL.—Call Andrew, my journeyman. How goes affairs, Andrew? I hope the devil has not taken possession of thy body too.
ANDREW.—No, sir; I only desire to know what you would do if you were dead?
JOHN BULL.—Just as other dead folks do, Andrew. [Aside.] This is amazing!
ANDREW.—I mean if your nephew shall inherit your estate.
JOHN BULL.—That depends upon himself. I shall do nothing to hinder him.
ANDREW.—But will you make it sure?
JOHN BULL.—Thou meanest that I should put him in possession, for I can make it no surer without that. He has all the law can give him.
ANDREW.—Indeed, possession, as you say, would make it much surer. They say it is eleven points of the law.
John began now to think that they were all enchanted. He inquired about the age of the moon, if Nic. had not given them some intoxicating potion, or if old Mother Jenisa was still alive? "No, o' my faith," quoth Harry, "I believe there is no potion in the case but a little aurum potabile. You will have more of this by-and-by." He had scarce spoken the word when another friend of John's accosted him after the following manner:—
"Since those worthy persons, who are as much concerned for your safety as I am, have employed me as their orator, I desire to know whether you will have it by way of syllogism, enthymem, dilemma, or sorites?"
John now began to be diverted with their extravagance.
JOHN BULL.—Let's have a sorites by all means, though they are all new to me.
FRIEND.—It is evident to all that are versed in history that there were two sisters that played false two thousand years ago. Therefore it plainly follows that it is not lawful for John Bull to have any manner of intercourse with Lewis Baboon. If it is not lawful for John Bull to have any manner of intercourse (correspondence, if you will, that is much the same thing) then, a fortiori, it is much more unlawful for the said John to make over his wife and children to the said Lewis. If his wife and children are not to be made over, he is not to wear a dagger and ratsbane in his pockets. If he wears a dagger and ratsbane, it must be to do mischief to himself or somebody else. If he intends to do mischief, he ought to be under guardians, and there is none so fit as myself and some other worthy persons who have a commission for that purpose from Nic. Frog, the executor of his will and testament.
JOHN BULL.—And this is your sorites, you say?
With that he snatched a good tough oaken cudgel, and began to brandish it. Then happy was the man that was first at the door. Crowding to get out, they tumbled down-stairs. And it is credibly reported some of them dropped very valuable things in the hurry, which were picked up by others of the family.
"That any of these rogues," quoth John, "should imagine I am not as much concerned as they about having my affairs in a settled condition, or that I would wrong my heir for I know not what! Well, Nic., I really cannot but applaud thy diligence. I must own this is really a pretty sort of a trick, but it sha'n't do thy business, for all that."
I think it is but ingenuous to acquaint the reader that this chapter was not wrote by Sir Humphrey himself, but by another very able pen of the university of Grub Street.
John had, by some good instructions given him by Sir Roger, got the better of his choleric temper, and wrought himself up to a great steadiness of mind to pursue his own interest through all impediments that were thrown in the way. He began to leave off some of his old acquaintance, his roaring and bullying about the streets. He put on a serious air, knit his brows, and, for the time, had made a very considerable progress in politics, considering that he had been kept a stranger to his own affairs. However, he could not help discovering some remains of his nature when he happened to meet with a football or a match at cricket, for which Sir Roger was sure to take him to task. John was walking about his room with folded arms and a most thoughtful countenance. His servant brought him word that one Lewis Baboon below wanted to speak with him. John had got an impression that Lewis was so deadly cunning a man that he was afraid to venture himself alone with him. At last he took heart of grace. "Let him come up," quoth he; "it is but sticking to my point, and he can never over-reach me."
LEWIS BABOON.—Monsieur Bull, I will frankly acknowledge that my behaviour to my neighbours has been somewhat uncivil, and I believe you will readily grant me that I have met with usage accordingly. I was fond of back-sword and cudgel-play from my youth, and I now bear in my body many a black and blue gash and scar, God knows. I had as good a warehouse and as fair possessions as any of my neighbours, though I say it. But a contentious temper, flattering servants, and unfortunate stars have brought me into circumstances that are not unknown to you. These my misfortunes are heightened by domestic calamities. That I need not relate. I am a poor old battered fellow, and I would willingly end my days in peace. But, alas! I see but small hopes of that, for every new circumstance affords an argument to my enemies to pursue their revenge. Formerly I was to be banged because I was too strong, and now because I am too weak to resist; I am to be brought down when too rich, and oppressed when too poor. Nic. Frog has used me like a scoundrel. You are a gentleman, and I freely put myself in your hands to dispose of me as you think fit.
JOHN BULL.—Look you, Master Baboon, as to your usage of your neighbours, you had best not dwell too much upon that chapter. Let it suffice at present that you have been met with. You have been rolling a great stone up-hill all your life, and at last it has come tumbling down till it is like to crush you to pieces. Plain-dealing is best. If you have any particular mark, Mr. Baboon, whereby one may know when you fib and when you speak truth, you had best tell it me, that one may proceed accordingly. But since at present I know of none such, it is better that you should trust me than that I should trust you.
LEWIS BABOON.—I know of no particular mark of veracity amongst us tradesmen but interest; and it is manifestly mine not to deceive you at this time. You may safely trust me, I can assure you.
JOHN BULL.—The trust I give is, in short, this: I must have something in hand before I make the bargain, and the rest before it is concluded.
LEWIS BABOON.—To show you I deal fairly, name your something.
JOHN BULL.—I need not tell thee, old boy; thou canst guess.
LEWIS BABOON.—Ecclesdown Castle,* I'll warrant you, because it has been formerly in your family. Say no more; you shall have it.
JOHN BULL.—I shall have it to my own self?
LEWIS BABOON.—To thine own self.
JOHN BULL.—Every wall, gate, room, and inch of Ecclesdown Castle, you say?
LEWIS BABOON.—Just so.
JOHN BULL.—Every single stone of Ecclesdown Castle, to my own self, speedily?
LEWIS BABOON.—When you please; what needs more words?
JOHN BULL.—But tell me, old boy, hast thou laid aside all thy equivocals and mentals in this case?
LEWIS BABOON.—There's nothing like matter of fact; seeing is believing.
JOHN BULL.—Now thou talkest to the purpose; let us shake hands, old boy. Let me ask thee one question more; what hast thou to do to meddle with the affairs of my family? to dispose of my estate, old boy?
LEWIS BABOON.—Just as much as you have to do with the affairs of Lord Strutt.
JOHN BULL.—Ay, but my trade, my very being was concerned in that.
LEWIS BABOON.—And my interest was concerned in the other. But let us drop both our pretences; for I believe it is a moot point, whether I am more likely to make a Master Bull, or you a Lord Strutt.
JOHN BULL.—Agreed, old boy; but then I must have security that I shall carry my broadcloth to market, old boy.
LEWIS BABOON.—That you shall: Ecclesdown Castle! Ecclesdown! Remember that. Why wouldst thou not take it when it was offered thee some years ago?
JOHN BULL.—I would not take it, because they told me thou wouldst not give it me.
LEWIS BABOON.—How could Monsieur Bull be so grossly abused by downright nonsense? they that advised you to refuse, must have believed I intended to give, else why would they not make the experiment? But I can tell you more of that matter than perhaps you know at present.
JOHN BULL.—But what say'st thou as to the Esquire, Nic. Frog, and the rest of the tradesmen? I must take care of them.
LEWIS BABOON.—Thou hast but small obligations to Nic. to my certain knowledge: he has not used me like a gentleman.
JOHN BULL.—Nic. indeed is not very nice in your punctilios of ceremony; he is clownish, as a man may say: belching and calling of names have been allowed him time out of mind, by prescription: but, however, we are engaged in one common cause, and I must look after him.
LEWIS BABOON.—All matters that relate to him, and the rest of the plaintiff's in this lawsuit, I will refer to your justice.
Nic. perceived now that his Cully had eloped, that John intended henceforth to deal without a broker; but he was resolved to leave no stone unturned to cover his bubble. Amongst other artifices he wrote a most obliging letter, which he sent him printed in a fair character.
"DEAR FRIEND,—When I consider the late ill-usage I have met with from you, I was reflecting what it was that could provoke you to it, but upon a narrow inspection into my conduct, I can find nothing to reproach myself with but too partial a concern for your interest. You no sooner set this composition afoot but I was ready to comply, and prevented your very wishes; and the affair might have been ended before now, had it not been for the greater concerns of Esquire South and the other poor creatures embarked in the same common cause, whose safety touches me to the quick. You seemed a little jealous that I had dealt unfairly with you in money-matters, till it appeared by your own accounts that there was something due to me upon the balance. Having nothing to answer to so plain a demonstration, you began to complain as if I had been familiar with your reputation; when it is well known not only I, but the meanest servants in my family, talk of you with the utmost respect. I have always, as far as in me lies, exhorted your servants and tenants to be dutiful; not that I any way meddle in your domestic affairs, which were very unbecoming for me to do. If some of your servants express their great concern for you in a manner that is not so very polite, you ought to impute it to their extraordinary zeal, which deserves a reward rather than a reproof. You cannot reproach me for want of success at the 'Salutation,' since I am not master of the passions and interests of other folks. I have beggared myself with this lawsuit, undertaken merely in complaisance to you; and if you would have had but a little patience, I had still greater things in reserve, that I intended to have done for you. I hope what I have said will prevail with you to lay aside your unreasonable jealousies, and that we may have no more meetings at the 'Salutation,' spending our time and money to no purpose. My concern for your welfare and prosperity almost makes me mad. You may be assured I will continue to be
"Your affectionate
"Friend and Servant,
"Nic. Frog."*
John received this with a good deal of sang-froid; "Transeat," quoth John, "cum caeteris erroribus." He was now at his ease; he saw he could now make a very good bargain for himself, and a very safe one for other folks. "My shirt," quoth he, "is near me, but my skin is nearer. Whilst I take care of the welfare of other folks, nobody can blame me to apply a little balsam to my own sores. It's a pretty thing, after all, for a man to do his own business; a man has such a tender concern for himself, there's nothing like it. This is somewhat better, I trow, than for John Bull to be standing in the market, like a great dray-horse, with Frog's paws upon his head. What will you give me for this beast? Serviteur Nic. Frog, though John Bull has not read your Aristotles, Platos, and Machiavels, he can see as far into a mill-stone as another." With that John began to chuckle and laugh till he was like to have burst his sides.
John thought every minute a year till he got into Ecclesdown Castle; he repairs to the "Salutation" with a design to break the matter gently to his partners. Before he entered he overheard Nic. and the Esquire in a very pleasant conference.
ESQUIRE SOUTH.—Oh, the ingratitude and injustice of mankind! That John Bull, whom I have honoured with my friendship and protection so long, should flinch at last, and pretend that he can disburse no more money for me! that the family of the Souths, by his sneaking temper, should be kept out of their own!
NIC. FROG.—An't like your worship, I am in amaze at it; I think the rogue should be compelled to his duty.
ESQUIRE SOUTH.—That he should prefer his scandalous pelf, the dust and dregs of the earth, to the prosperity and grandeur of my family!
NIC. FROG.—Nay, he is mistaken there, too; for he would quickly lick himself whole again by his vails. It's strange he should prefer Philip Baboon's custom to Esquire South's.
ESQUIRE SOUTH.—As you say, that my clothier, that is to get so much by the purchase, should refuse to put me in possession; did you ever know any man's tradesman serve him so before?
NIC. FROG.—No, indeed, an't please your worship, it is a very unusual proceeding; and I would not have been guilty of it for the world. If your honour had not a great stock of moderation and patience, you would not bear it so well as you do.
ESQUIRE SOUTH.—It is most intolerable, that's certain, Nic., and I will be revenged.
NIC. FROG.—Methinks it is strange that Philip Baboon's tenants do not all take your honour's part, considering how good and gentle a master you are.
ESQUIRE SOUTH.—True, Nic., but few are sensible of merit in this world. It is a great comfort to have so faithful a friend as thyself in so critical a juncture.
NIC. FROG.—If all the world should forsake you, be assured Nic. Frog never will; let us stick to our point, and we'll manage Bull, I'll warrant ye.
ESQUIRE SOUTH.—Let me kiss thee, dear Nic.; I have found one honest man among a thousand at last.
NIC. FROG.—If it were possible, your honour has it in your power to wed me still closer to your interest.
ESQUIRE SOUTH.—Tell me quickly, dear Nic.
NIC. FROG.—You know I am your tenant; the difference between my lease and an inheritance is such a trifle as I am sure you will not grudge your poor friend. That will be an encouragement to go on; besides, it will make Bull as mad as the devil: you and I shall be able to manage him then to some purpose.
ESQUIRE SOUTH.—Say no more; it shall be done, Nic., to thy heart's content.
John all this while was listening to this comical dialogue, and laughed heartily in his sleeve at the pride and simplicity of the Esquire, and the sly roguery of his friend Nic. Then of a sudden bolting into the room, he began to tell them that he believed he had brought Lewis to reasonable terms, if they would please to hear them.
Then they all bawled out aloud, "No composition: long live Esquire South and the Law!" As John was going to proceed, some roared, some stamped with their feet, others stopped their ears with their fingers.
"Nay, gentlemen," quoth John, "if you will but stop proceeding for a while, you shall judge yourselves whether Lewis's proposals* are reasonable."
ALL.—Very fine, indeed; stop proceeding, and so lose a term.
JOHN BULL.—Not so neither; we have something by way of advance: he will put us in possession of his Manor and Castle of Ecclesdown.
NIC. FROG.—What dost talk of us? thou meanest thyself.
JOHN BULL.—When Frog took possession of anything, it was always said to be for us, and why may not John Bull be us as well as Nic. Frog was us? I hope John Bull is no more confined to singularity than Nic. Frog; or, take it so, the constant doctrine that thou hast preached up for many years was that thou and I are one; and why must we be supposed two in this case, that were always one before? It's impossible that thou and I can fall out, Nic.; we must trust one another. I have trusted thee with a great many things—prithee trust me with this one trifle.
NIC. FROG.—That principle is true in the main, but there is some speciality in this case that makes it highly inconvenient for us both.
JOHN BULL.—Those are your jealousies, that the common enemies sow between us: how often hast thou warned me of those rogues, Nic., that would make us mistrustful of one another!
NIC. FROG.—This Ecclesdown Castle is only a bone of contention.
JOHN BULL.—It depends upon you to make it so; for my part, I am as peaceable as a lamb.
NIC. FROG.—But do you consider the unwholesomeness of the air and soil, the expenses of reparations and servants? I would scorn to accept of such a quagmire.
JOHN BULL.—You are a great man, Nic., but in my circumstances I must be e'en content to take it as it is.
NIC. FROG.—And you are really so silly as to believe the old cheating rogue will give it you?
JOHN BULL.—I believe nothing but matter of fact; I stand and fall by that. I am resolved to put him to it.
NIC. FROG.—And so relinquish the hopefullest cause in the world: a claim that will certainly in the end make thy fortune for ever.
JOHN BULL.—Wilt thou purchase it, Nic.? thou shalt have a lumping pennyworth; nay, rather than we should differ, I'll give thee something to take it off my hands.
NIC. FROG.—If thou wouldst but moderate that hasty, impatient temper of thine, thou shouldst quickly see a better thing than all that. What shouldst thou think to find old Lewis turned out of his paternal estates and mansion-house of Claypool?* Would not that do thy heart good, to see thy old friend, Nic. Frog, Lord of Claypool? Then thou and thy wife and children should walk in my gardens, buy toys, drink lemonade, and now and then we should have a country dance.